#rkheartz:july20eval

[memoriesofyccjungrk]

▫︎ ▪︎  ━ 하르츠 JULY 2020 EVALUATION             GLASS SHOES &            DO OR DIE

gahyeon wasn’t going to lie, she hadn’t really expected to make it into the heartz project.

it wasn’t because she didn’t think she was skilled enough – no, she had long grown out of the thoughts that she wasn’t talented enough to make it. because gahyeon is now well aware and far more willing to admit that she was talented, more than she had been when she’d even been signed. gahyeon had grown into a talented performed, and she knew that she was likely skilled enough to get into whatever debut project she set her mind on. gahyeon would like to think that was true, at least. no – it had less to do with doubting her talent than just doubting herself, period. the words of her father echo in her head from when she’d been signed – a voice that only appears whenever she becomes far too comfortable in her own skin. a voice that reminds her that she’s just some poor girl from busan, that she’s thrown away everything for a pipedream she’s never known would ever come to fruition, not for sure.

it was so frustrating that gahyeon had managed to work herself up to the point of being terrified to step into the royal building on june 30. because she knew that june 30 would be the day one of the trainers would finally walk up to gahyeona and yena and tell them that they either made it or hadn’t. stronger was the fear that she wouldn’t make it versus yena not making it, but clearly it was all for naught – because the moment one of the coaches walked up to them that afternoon, gahyeon knew they’d both made it. they’d jumped around, had been excited – this was something new for them, something exciting. but a small realization came afterward.

gahyeon and dongmin breaking up was perhaps unexpected, but gahyeon felt as though it was the best option. with him leaving trc and gahyeon’s schedule changes ( and her ultimately working later into the night than she even did at royal on her own accord ), gahyeon knew they needed to part ways. that even though they cared dearly for one another, things were about to get more difficult – and neither wanted to hold one another back.

perhaps what gahyeon hadn’t realized was how much it would affect her training.

their first few days before the breakup had been tough, but the week following felt like hell. gahyeon didn’t figure she would turn into a shell of herself, didn’t think that she’d feel an emptiness in her chest whenever she was awake – because it was mutual. quite honestly, it was her own idea – she’d brought it up first … so why did she feel so hurt ? why did she feel so alone every time she woke up and wished she could do nothing more than curl up in bed and pretend that the world didn’t exist. that she wouldn’t have to deal with her responsibilities because she was sad – unfortunately, though, she knew that this wasn’t true. despite how she lagged in comparison to how she usually was, gahyeon knew that she had to work hard.

because the trainers didn’t care about gahyeon’s personal life. they didn’t care that she’d just had a breakup – and if they knew, she’d probably get a stern talking to anyway. maybe it was because of things like this that the no-dating rule was in place for trainees. gahyeon guesses she’d never felt more distracted than she did the first week of training with the heartz girls. she tries not to let it show, but it takes gahyeon a little longer to get the steps down to the group routine than it would’ve if she’d been in her right mind. the lyrics just made her want to cry ( why did every sweet girl group song have to be about love ? ) but she held back her tears. she worked half-heartedly on her lines and only spent the time she had to in sphere, leaving at the end of their schedule despite the fact she felt strange going home so early.

but she just felt so detached and wasn’t sure how to make that connection.

it wasn’t just because of her breakup, if anything her breakup only made the guilt of leaving royal worse and more hindering. not to mention, gahyeon didn’t see a way to really connect with the other girls – although perhaps it was because she didn’t want to at the time. the first week gahyeon watched as both heejin and yena made connections with the other girls, and gahyeon herself just felt stunted. she wasn’t good with new people in the first place but moving companies on top of her breakup made it even harder for gahyeon to feel comfortable reaching out and talking to anyone else. gahyeon felt tethered – still felt as though she was pulled backward while everyone else moved ahead of her. she was almost jealous of the fact that everyone else seemed to be doing so much better – but she guesses they were all in very different situations. because under normal circumstances, gahyeon thinks she wouldn’t have felt stunted in the first week – but these weren’t exactly normal circumstances.

after the first week, however, gahyeon knows she can’t keep wallowing. if anything, that was just an invitation to kick her out of the program – and that wasn’t what she wanted. gahyeon had joined the project with an intent to debut with the heartz girls, or at least get something out of the program. she couldn’t let that go because she was upset.

overall, gahyeon never truly decides how she feels about the group performance. if it’s any indication of what their group will eventually do, gahyeon’s not totally against it, but it’s certainly not her favorite concept. it’s sweet, not really the gross shade of adorable gahyeon thought it would be. when she pulls herself back up, gahyeon realizes that perhaps the reason she wasn’t really enjoying her lines was because she didn’t have a lot of them. once she finally managed to focus on what she was doing – what she was singing – gahyeon was just not particularly happy. if not because of the lack of lines, then because a majority of it was vocals. not that she was opposed to singing, but because of the two short rap verses, gahyeon managed to get neither and was instead given one rap line that hardly showed any actual skill she had.

to say she was a little upset with the group line distribution was an understatement – but as usual, gahyeon said nothing. because gahyeon had sung, danced, and rapped to plenty of songs she wasn’t a fan of – had sung and rapped parts she wasn’t a big fan of. she doubted the coaches wanted any input, and either way the other rapper had been here longer – so who was gahyeon to complain ? she just wasn’t sure how she was supposed to show her talents if she wasn’t really given anything to show them with. because gahyeon wasn’t really a vocalist – actually, she was probably the weakest vocalist in the project. the fact that she had to sing for her group evaluation didn’t exactly make sense – hadn’t they watched her audition tape ? she certainly hadn’t sung much, if at all, in that. but gahyeon knew the coaches didn’t care what she had to say – and gahyeon figured it was more appropriate to keep her mouth shut rather than run it off and make anyone mad. if she wanted anything, it was to keep herself in the coach's good graces.

so, gahyeon kept her opinions to herself and focused on the choreography. overall, the performance wasn’t the hardest thing gahyeon had ever done. the girls were all competent dancers and good vocalists, so it wasn’t particularly difficult for them to learn the dance and manage to synchronize their dance movements. with some parts, it was particularly important because the movements seemed random and if they did it wrong, they’d end up just looking messy. not to mention they needed to keep stable vocals during the chorus when they all sang together, which was usually not too difficult to manage. even gahyeon managed to keep up with the vocals in the chorus, but probably because she had the other girl’s voices ringing in her ears to support her.

but her discontent with the group performance leads gahyeon to pick a song where she could shine in her solo evaluation. she guesses it makes her happy that they have another chance to show their complete skills, even if they’re not able to in the group evaluation – although assumes it probably stands as another way to ensure they can hold themselves as a soloist considering they debut alone before their group will. regardless, gahyeon wants to show what she’s good at instead of getting stuck with lines that she doesn’t feel particularly comfortable with. the solo evaluation still requires her to sing, so gahyeon sorts through her songs and eventually comes upon ‘ do or die. ’

for the vocal part of the evaluation, gahyeon had consulted heejin. after all, gahyeon felt far less uncomfortable going to a fellow newbie than going to someone who had been in the project since the beginning. after the tips and help heejin gifted gahyeon with in the beginning, gahyeon turned to the coaches. if only because she knew that heejin had her own solo evaluation to deal with, and gahyeon wasn’t about to take up the other girl’s precious training time – plus, the coaches were there for a reason. eventually, heejin’s advice wasn’t enough either, and the trainers were able to help gahyeon more with the issues she was having.

overall, gahyeon thinks it’s a confidence thing. she’s not at all confident in singing, although she knows that she eventually has to be. just because she wants one thing doesn’t mean she’s going to get it – and if the group evaluation was any indication, there were clearly other people that sphere was considering for a rapper position. but overall, it was her forte and gahyeon was going to prove that she was just as if not more competent as another girl. but to do both, gahyeon knew that she needed to be confident in both. so, she worked a lot on the lines she had, singing them with the choreography and even just walking around the studio to put more into her lines.

the choreography for gahyeon’s solo was well within her own style, and the song itself had a good balance of vocals and rap. in the end gahyeon wanted to show she was a competent performer. sorting through songs was difficult particularly because she didn’t want to pick a song she couldn’t manage vocal-wise, but the trainers were fairly good at helping her with what she was most concerned about.

not to mention the song made gahyeon feel powerful – which was a feeling gahyeon rarely felt. maybe it was the effect of the confident lyrics and music, but she felt good performing ‘ do or die. ’ after a rough start to the month, gahyeon is sure she needed it.

despite the shorter schedule, gahyeon ends up spending hours after practice in the studio perfecting movements, back to her regular self. especially on weekends, gahyeon spends time in the sphere building late into the night, ensuring that her performance was as polished as she could manage with her skillset ( not to mention she felt strange leaving the studio so early, having gotten used to being on the royal schedule for two years. ) whether it was on her own or with the coaches, gahyeon aimed to perfect the movements and vocals needed for her performance. although the original featured many dancers to create a fuller, impactful feeling, gahyeon was determined to achieve that on her own. she didn’t have backup dancers and instead needed to rely on her own skills.

when it comes to her actual performance, gahyeon is determined to exude the confidence that the original artist does. the movements are quick and required to be precise to look clean – which isn’t really difficult for gahyeon to achieve at this point. the vocals are easy enough for gahyeon to follow along with that she manages to feel comfortable with her performance by the time she has to perform it in front of the coaches. she made some small adjustments where the original performer had interacted with the backup dancers, gahyeon couldn’t very well do that, but they were added in cleanly and gahyeon had little issue integrating them in.

but for gahyeon, she thinks that she can handle it. although she worries more about her vocals, by the time she’s performing they come out relatively stable. her work with the coaches has earned her a bit more of a range than she had previously – enough so that she feels confident as she performs in front of the judges. every movement is sharp and well-practiced but done with ease. the hip-hop-esque dance is something gahyeon’s more than familiar with, and despite the jumping, gahyeon’s able to maintain the quality of her voice throughout the performance – both in vocals and rap. she’s not the triple threat that yena is, but she’s not half-bad, either. she’s worked hard to perfect the song, so much so that at the end of the performance when she brings down one hand in a crown-like position atop her head, her lips curl into a confident grin.

in the end, gahyeon’s happy about both her performances – and hopes that she’s shown the coaches enough to prove she was worth more than one line in what she’s actually skilled at.