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Riverdale S7 E13 (Chapter 130) The Crucible

[Weird little translation note from an international viewer: There are apparently some titles that the Netflix Korea translator refuses to translate into Korean for the international release, and some they will translate. The Crucible is one where the title is sounded out phonetically, which is very funny because the Arthur Miller play actually has a well known Korean title. The other deemed-untranslatable episode titles were Peep Show, Dirty Dancing, Hoop Dreams, Halloween 2, and After the Fall)]

The music is all jazzy film noir-ish at the opening of this episode as we slowly zoom in on Jughead in his very luxurious train car. The sheer beauty of the innards of this thing take me by surprise every time. Jughead is in suspenders, with what for him is sort of his Little Black Dress - a white t shirt under a button up shirt with suspenders over it. He looks upset and wan.

How does a fire start? he asks, or rather, types.

The fire might start with the English teacher, who has thus far paid Jughead’s actual career as a writer zero attention whatsoever (but does Jughead even go to school anymore other than to yell at people about milk or to get yelled at by the principal in the office?) but is cultivating Archie’s gifts as a poet (by letting him come and sit in the classroom to scribble in semi privacy?). It might begin with Veronica Lodge, looking kewpie doll adorable in her perfect hair (that my very valuable mutual taught me was a wig! I somehow never thought about it being a wig!), startled to find a tall clean shaven man smiling down at her in her elevator at home. It took me a long time to realize this was GLEN.

HI GLEN.

Glen without facial hair and in 1950s get up looks disconcertingly like a young Harrison Ford and goddamn you Roberto I refuse to find Glen hot on principle so fuck off.

The fire may begin with Betty coming home to find that her phone has been confiscated (by her mother, most likely). Betty has an ugly little ornamental bear on her bedside table. Is that meaningful?

Or maybe the fire starts in a classroom, where Betty and Kevin are acting out some scene from Tennessee Williams, the themes of which are “Crisis in the South/ Mendacity/ Nihilism.”

The only play they could be doing is of course Cat On a Hot Tin Roof which … this is the one time a Riverdale reference to a classical literature work is actually spot on and it’s making me feel very sour. The teacher sings their praises, calling their performance better than what she saw on Broadway.

(Also scratch what I said earlier about Jughead going to school - he’s there in class in the back, two rows behind Betty). Evelyn looks very pissy about this whole situation. Why am I being made to identify with Evelyn?

Principal Weatherbee bursts in. As a repressed closeted homosexual in denial about his feelings for his best friend and coworker he is likely to be very triggered by Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He just opens the door with “That’s enough.” He has Sheriff Keller and Clifford Blossom in tow (but not Werthers). In front of all her students, the teacher is led out like she’s done something terrible. Wearing an extremely campy red velvet jacket trimmed in black satin, Clifford Blossom steps into the class to stand right in front of a poster of Oscar Wild. I just now noticed that his hair isn’t red in this. It’s blonde. Why is it blonde?

The mayor takes it upon himself to tell the kids that the English teacher has been fired. Their new teacher is going to be - of all people - Penelope Blossom. Atonal demon music plays as Penelope saunters in right on cue - which means she just stood out there in the all while Featherhead did his bursting in and escorting out - wearing a necklace that looks like it’s made of black scarab beetles. Her outfit is the color inverse of her husband's - black with red color accents. The Blossom children have no idea what is happening but they know it’s really bad, giving each other “Are you seeing this?” type of looks. Archie was the only student to actually speak up in defense of the teacher, and he continues to do so now that the bad news has been announced.

Penelope Blossom just has so much presence! Can’t we have more of her and less of the very boring Clifford Blossom?

Archie continues to be the one to use his privilege for the good (unlike say, Julian Blossom or Kevin Keller, whose fathers are directly involved in this debacle), wanting to know what exactly is going on.

Mrs. Thornton is accused of being a communist! Dun Dun Dunnn~ Penelope intones that “The Red Menace has come to Riverdale.” Right on cue, Evelyn turns around to take a look at the known Lavender Menace in the classroom - Cheryl- as Cheryl realizes that this is not going to go away easily and already feels exhausted by life.

After the class, the core seven (this is um, NO JUGHEAD, but Toni, Cheryl, Clay, Archie, Kevin, Betty and Veronica) convene in the student lounge to try to figure out what is going on. Betty wants to know if Archie can shed more light, since he’s been getting special tutoring from Mrs. Thornton. Archie is in the closet about his poetry, so he sounds sus as he says that Mrs Thornton just isn’t like that. Veronica’s chest ribbon is HUGE and makes her look very very tiny. Cheryl says that there must’ve been some sort of cause, but Veronica says that the Red Scare in Hollywood was terrible. She starts explaining the McCarthy Era to the people who are still in 1955 which is so weird, because the televised hearings started in 1954, so this is another instance when the “1955” of this show has nothing to do with the real “1955” except for the part where Fred Andrews died in Korea.

Anyway, Kevin (because of course he does) staunchly defends his father (indirectly) by assuming that nobody would do anything bad to anyone in America unless they deserved it. (Unlike say, when your father hires a prostitute to force you into having het sex and things like that). Veronica disagrees.

Jughead does not give a hoot what happened to the English teacher. Ethel doesn’t either. They are off looking to celebrate the publication of the comic that Featherstone decided to publish last episode. The friendzoning continues - Jughead calls it “your” first comic to which Ethel corrects, “our” first comic. But her brown checked skirt matches his brown checked jacket! The vendor, who is a crusty old man, says he no longer carries “Pit of the Perverse” at all because it’s “unamerican smut.” All around him are faces of pretty girls smiling invitingly out from covers with titles like “Flash Bulb” and “Women of Today.” The man even yells at the pair to go away.

At Thornton House, Cheryl is being interrogated by her parents about her unamerican public kiss with Toni at the Halloween Party. Red Menace, Lavender Menace (which is a Betty Friedan phrase, the homophobia of which was one the major failings of the initial Second Wave liberal white feminist movement in America) - it’s all the same to Clifford Blossom. He wants it stamped out.

The thing is, the Blossoms are scary, abusive people but I weirdly admire them (no please, hear me out) for not being hypocrites. When they say they want to ‘stamp out’ unamerican (™) activities, they start by torturing their own kid.

Cheryl also has a spine of steel. Though visibly frightened (and fully aware of her father’s homicidal impulses and callousness about his children) Cheryl says she will not be naming names. She calls him a jackal. Bravo.

Sadly, they already have a list of names compiled for the targeting. What they want is for Cheryl to just corroborate. This will allow her to ‘redeem’ herself.

The names on this list are: Cheryl Blossom (as NUMBER 1), Toni, Kevin, Clay, and then a bunch of people we don’t know - Chris Henderson, John Maclean, Jessical Leetola, Connor Rielley, Colin Ellis, and Kathleen Ross.) Cheryl absolutely refuses, except Clifford has her number - he threatens the only thing she cares about, the Vixens. “Anything but that Daddy!” Cheryl pleads, but she is not granted clemency.

At the same time, Veronica comes home to find Hiram Lodge is in the apartment. The number of ways and things that Hiram lies about in his conversations with Veronica are truly very toxic. He says he missed her, to which Veronica is unmoved, so then he bribes her with a Faberge egg, to which she wants to know who he fucked around with on her mom. Infidelity is something he’s very willing to own up to. This toxic dad also knows his daughter’s main weakness - she is very lonely So he says that he wants to meet her friends as he offers her a hug. This, she can’t resist.

The next day, Veronica brings Hiram to school like it’s show and tell. She’s dressed in the most demure, matronly outfit I’ve seen her in to date, complete with a matching pearl necklace-and-bracelet set. So these are her group of friends yes, but like, it’s funny how she’s dated, kissed or wooed or was wooed by the majority of her friend circle. (Betty, Clay, Archie, Julian) leaving out only Kevin, Cheryl and Toni.

Kevin is so horny and shameless. Ugh.

Cheryl pointedly says that the first season of Oh Mija was the best one (hahaha) because it went downhill after that. Featherhead has asked Hiram to be a guest lecturer (because I guess even he knows Penelope Blossom may not actually want to teach the kids anything), especially because this is monologue day at English class.

Julian Blossom is up first!

He does the Hamlet To Be or Not to Be soliloquy. Apparently neither Kevin nor Archie knew that this was a speech about contemplating suicide. Hiram is weirdly macho about it, asking of Julian is a man, because Hamlet was a man. I mean, Hamlet was a man but his whole problem was being emasculated, I thought? He doesn’t really achieve any of his goals, has his place in succession stolen from him by his uncle and does literally nothing about it for months and months other than dither, kill the wrong person, and drive poor Ophelia to suicide.

For some reason, Hiram giving Julian what sound like pretty sound corrections to the way he’s delivering a speech that’s very challenging to sound convincing makes everyone chuckle throughout. Is this supposed to be in reaction to like, Hiram’s star power? They’re just delighted and nervous that a real life sitcom actor is giving their Julian Blossom an acting lesson?

After the class, Betty goes to see the principal, who tells her that the Blue and Gold is going to be defunded with the loss of Mrs Thornton, who was the faculty advisor. Featherhead has already made up his mind, so Betty charges into the newspaper room and liberates the typewriter there.

This is very interesting, that first Archie and now Betty are acquiring the instruments and drive for writing now that they never ever talk to Jughead Jones.

Cheryl has gathered the three other known homosexuals that were on the list into the music room, to update them and to freak out about potentially losing the Vixens. She doesn’t feel the need to inform anyone she isn’t personally friends with. She needs to know who sold her out. Who stands to gain the most from getting her off the Vixens?

Evelyn!

So she confronts Evelyn immediately. I love Evelyn and how Evil she is. She’s so calm and reserved and coiled and hateful. Cheryl is protesting entirely way too much, which gives Evelyn the upper hand.

In the principal’s office, Featherhead wants to know if Mrs. Thornton was trying to “indoctrinate” Archie, who doesn’t know what that word means. Werther says that civil disobedience and revolution is happening in Cuba and can’t happen here. I mean, it wasn’t necessarily due to Mrs. Thornton that Archie started that unionized coup against Clifford Blossom, but I don’t think either man knows about that.

Veronica is doing a full show and tell of her life, bringing Hiram to the movie theater. The one he wanted to raze and make into a parking lot. He tells her it’s tremendous, which is so insincere,but Veronica bless her is just too lonely to see it. As soon as Hiram is off to see the afternoon movie, in comes Glen, who wants to know what Veronica’s relationship is with Hiram. I see that even though he looks like Harrison Ford when clean cut, he’s still dumb as a bag of bricks because he did not realize that Veronica Lodge was Hiram Lodge’s daughter.

At Pep Comics, Ethelhead tell of their recent misadventures to Fieldstone. He already knows that his comics are being rejected, and that it’s an emergency. He’s very upset. They’re getting graphic hatemail. They’re going to “hunker down and weather this storm.” I like Fieldstone for how adorable he finds Ethel. Everything she says makes him laugh or call her Freckles or Girl Genius. Ethel wants a copy of her newly published work. Then Ethelhead, without having to even say anything, just read each other’s minds and take bundles to sell on their own cognizance.

At home, Betty is soliciting anonymous submissions to her magazine, “The Teenage Mystique.” …. I mean. Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique in 1963 and I am not ok with a seminal work of feminism being consumed in this way by this piece of pop media. Betty Cooper uses “The Girl Next Door” as her moniker, shoving her invitation sheet into every single locker.

Now that he doesn’t have a quiet classroom to write poetry in, Archie has to try to eke out some space, much like Jane Austen or Emily Dickinson, to work on his writing. He flips out when Uncle Fucking Frank barges in, demanding to know what he is up to.

Uncle Frank and his obsession with Archie is very disturbing. Also does he still live in this house? Does Mary just lock herself into the master bathroom and sleep in the bathtub at night? Anyway, when Archie who acted like he’d been jerking it to hardcore gay porn eventually says that he was working on his writing, Uncle Frank says he came in to police Archie’s sexuality again. But the scary interrogation of the afternoon has definitely taught Archie what “indoctrination” means. It’s not sufficiently heterosexual of him, as a man, to write poetry for any purpose than to make some girl swoon and “get with” him. Except given the events of the past season, they don’t really want any girl to “get with” him either. No peep shows through windows between houses like 5 feet apart with Betty. And if he had impregnated Cheryl they were both going to have to get married. So the repression that is being laid on Archie is just as contradictory and repressive as what is being laid on Betty (except she’s much more abnormal about how horny it seems to make her) . He can’t be insufficiently straight and manly, but being ultra straight and manly (i.e. succeeding in impregnating a girl) would also be a disaster.

Plus.

PLUS.

The very single, very childless, only works with minor teen boys Uncle Fucking Frank trying to control Archie’s outward behavior to keep him on the “straight and narrow” is fully ridiculous. I hate Frank so much. Why oh Why is Mary considered too inept to mother Archie, when she goes out of her way to cockblock Beronica’s kiss by essentially haranguing a doorman to let her break into someone else’s apartment??

At the Pembroke, Veronica wants to know why the FBI is following Hiram. Hiram says he’s being investigated as a possible communist, because he went to Cuba the year before to buy cigars. Another lie comes out before he actually says the truth - the lie was that he came to Riverdale to hide out. The truth is that he needs Veronica to lie for him to the government. She balks because lying to the government scares her. He pretends there’s an out for her - he’s “meeting with a lawyer” but in the end he trusts she’ll throw herself into the fire for him.

The next day, Glen is waiting for her at school. Glen says that he’s been assigned to her, and that someone else has followed Hiram to NYC. Veronica wants to see proof, to which Glen says to get into the car. She does!

Archie sees Veronica get into the car, and she sees him as they drive by. Of course, the place they go to is the diner. Glen shows Veronica photos of Hiram at the same table in Cuba as “Fidel Mastro.” The person that Veronica is upset to be seeing in the photo is the blonde lover at Hiram’s side.

Archie has tracked down his English teacher by looking her up in the phone book. She is packing up to leave, moving to Greendale, to be a library there as a volunteer. Apparently that River makes all the difference - it refused admittance to Julian Blossom, dunking him and making him come out the other end of it as someone who is an ally to Cheryl for one. Mrs Thornton says really contradictory things - that there’s a “job waiting for me” but also that it’s “volunteer.” OK but ma’am what will you live on?

No matter.

When Archie expresses his confusion about the state of the world, his teacher hands him a copy of The Crucible by Arthur Miller. Archie says he was going to do Biff’s monologue from Death of a Salesman, but now he’s going to pick something out of The Crucible.

OMG is this why Jughead picked the name Biff for Archie when they run away together in Season 3? The key bit of that monologue is this: “And I never got anywhere because you blew me so full of hot air I could never stand taking orders from anybody! That’s whose fault it is!” Biff is saying this to Willy, the salesman.

The teacher gives him a benediction, that strangely sounds exactly like what Hiram said earlier in the day to Julian: “Words have power.” She keeps telling him he’s “more than” a Biff type (when Jughead in the OG timeline reduced him exactly to it??). They give each other a hug of farewell.

Meanwhile, Ethelhead are running a brisk, literally under the table business, selling Pep Comic books, sitting back to back. I love their partnership. Jughead totally acts like he’s selling contraband weapons or something. He’s so dorky, I love him. he feels like he’s being such a badass, while Ethel just likes this entire exercise.

At the Dark Room, Cheryl is having another panic attack about potentially getting kicked out of the Vixens. The other gays have come up with a plan, to ape lavender marriages. Conveniently for them there’s one white and black person in each homosexual pairing, which obviates the need for a race discussion should it ever come up. Cheryl gravely says that going in the closet like that seems to betray Toni’s principles. Toni, who as we’ve seen all season doesn’t really have principles, lies again. Instead of saying, I want to hunker down and survive to see another day (like the much more honest Fieldstone), Toni says she’s allowing this charade for “all our sakes.”

Archie finds The Crucible extremely riveting.

Veronica is sadly mulling things over in her apartment, with liquor. Hiram comes in late from New York to say that his attempt to buy his way out of his problem did not work out. He needs her to commit perjury on his behalf. Veronica confronts him with the fact that his trip to Cuba was in service of an affair with a Kelly (the name of the actors’ IRL wife, which was a very cute reference). When Veronica sounds unwilling to acquiesce to his demands, Hiram reverts to villainy which is his true form and threatens her, saying that it wouldn’t be a favor for HIM if she commits perjury - it would be self protective for her, because he would lose everything if the story came out that he was in violation of his morality clause. Veronica shoots back that she already went through the experience of banishment and life in exile. She’s so lonely, as I’ve said, and she’s genuinely hurt that her initial intuition (Hiram would not show up unannounced and play all nicey nice unless there was a direct personal benefit she could do at her cost for him) was correct. “What you should be asking me for is mercy!” she cries, before storming off.

The next day, the Lavender Marriages storm the halls in patented Cheryl SloMo (™) which I don’t remember seeing much this season. Evelyn, wearing an appropriately lavender cardigan, is very annoyed by this workaround that the four homosexuals have found. Apparently, their queerness was an open secret, which is very very weird to me. Midge for one seems disappointed with Cheryl, who refuses to look at her. But everyone else is equally perturbed by these two pairings.

Archie is very nervous about trying to give his monologue from The Crucible. Penelope Blossom is teaching the class, sort of, I mean - she’s dressed up for it and in the classroom, standing like a Dior New Deal costume model in a very red dress. The thing is, she doesn’t seem to know what The Crucible is, which is surprising, and even more surprising, she didn’t insist on cross checking what the students were going to be performing before letting them.

Suddenly Archie is giving the John Proctor speech and uh -

I -

oh help-

I don’t want to be here.

This is the most grating thing I’ve ever seen on Riverdale and this includes a lot of the hideous singing and dancing and poorly transposed musical numbers and so on. I get very annoyed when shows do this, having actors “play” people who “play” at “acting.” It’s so self referential and masturbatory, sort of like how when movie people make movies about making movies they act like all the normal “This is what happens on a job” stuff is the most momentous thing ever and simultaneously they refuse to deal with the actual documented problems of their industry that are unique to just themselves

Ok so as far as that speech goes, John Proctor at the end of his rope, giving the thesis statement of the play etc, Archie (and KJ Apa’s) delivery is fine. He is doing all the correct actor-y things with his voice, going from screaming (but not to harsh) to suddenly dropping in volume (but not to the point of being inaudible), trembling with emotion but not enough to obscure diction, and his eyes also fill with tears but not enough to make his sinuses get sloppy. It’s all… fine. But this level of sincerity completely and high emotionality goes completely against the bouncy surreality of everything that S7 (and all the seasons before) have relied on to be watchable.

This is how Riverdale loses even by winning. KJ Apa works everything he knows how to do as an actor (activating tear ducts at will, flexible eyebrows, vocal chord range deployment, breathing techniques, working outside his native accent) so that Archie the character gives a professional-grade burst of emotion for his monologue class at school, and yet, because it just does not fit with anything Riverdale has ever done, it completely shatters the immersion in the narrative for me and all I am left with is

CRINGE.

But anyway. the power of Arthur Miller’s words supposedly gives Cheryl some sort of realization, because she marches down to the principal’s office to face off against her father, the principal and Werthers. She tells the three men that she will never cooperate with them, and has a wonderful moment:

“I, Cheryl Blossom, hereby and willingly, end my stewardship of the River Vixens.”

I really, really needed this palate cleanser after what they made Archie do. Thank god for Cheryl.

She also tells them of the Lavender Marriage workaround, before joining the gay kids of Riverdale club. “Clearly, we don’t live in a just world,” she says, bumping shoulders with Kevin.

The thing is, this feels like a course correction to the plotline that lead me to hate Kevin - that is, he was in the closet for real, lying to himself and to Betty and everyone else about what the hell he was up to. With this lavender marriage situation though, the show seems to be positing that there is such a thing as a ‘good and useful’ closet. If you construct it and climb into it yourself - and everyone sort of kind of knows you’re lying - then it’s fine. (Is it?) And I must still ask - WHY IS IT CHERYL THAT HAS TO GIVE ANYTHING UP? Because think about it - Kevin nor Clay nor Toni have had to give up a single one of their hobbies or group affiliations. It’s just Cheryl that had to give up something she held to a religious level of importance.

Why is Kevin not expected to confront his father about being a lackey to the mayor? Oh right, because even Betty finds his relationship with Clay ‘dreamy.’ [Vomit]

Cheryl says she’s happy to have even a small amount of space on earth to live her truth. Toni hopes Evelyn breaks her neck cheerleading.

Veronica approaches Archie to say that it was quite the speech. She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and then they kiss each other. Archie is very surprised, but not displeased. Veronica looks very serious.

Ok.

Ok SHOW?

FUCKING SHOW ME ANOTHER BERONICA KISS PLEASE.

Back at the diner, an Asian boyscout (or whatever they’re called) is asking for Pit of the Perverse #32 . Jughead has been marking up 10 cent issues all the way up to a quarter for his sales. The boyscout turns out to be a plant, and this is a raid. Keller is doing this with his time. The jig is up, so they have to turn over their stash to the cops. It’s very funny to me that Jughead completely expected to be SHOT for selling the comic books - he was this close to demanding that they not shoot.

Jughead has Ethel at his home again, and the two of them celebrate with milkshakes and a “god bless America toast” about the money they’ve made.

At the Pembroke, Hiram and Veronica are having dinner together (Cooked by who I wonder?). Hiram is trying to ingratiate himself to his clearly not very happy daughter, but all he can offer is his own show (“A new episode of Oh Mija!”). This is absolutely the wrong thing to say, and Veronica takes off in a huff.

The next day at school, Archie is taking things out of his locker. He seems to only have images of male baseball players on the inside - a cover of Batter, and a picture of someone pitching a ball but somehow also called the Bulldogs. Just then, a woman asks him if he’s Archie Andrews.

And it’s Geraldine Grundy, this time as an English teacher. She’s wearing a white cardigan with gold embroidery that I think is supposed to have some sort of angelic effect but I am too consumed with the question WHY THE FUCK IS SHE HERE to really be persuaded. She’s taking over for Mrs. Thornton. Archie looks very smitten immediately. Grundy claims to have attended Mt. Holyoke together with Mrs. Thornton and in the name of Emily Dickinson, I banish thee! Shoo! Away with you! So she seems to appreciate Archie’s poetry from what she’s heard from Mrs. Thornton. Archie wants to keep things discreet because his uncle hates the idea of his writing poetry. But then Grundy ruins it by whispering “IT CAN BE OUR LITTLE SECRET” like a total creeper, then she dangles her husband, an alleged poet.

In the Principal’s office, the hideous white men are going over their loot of confiscated comic books. There’s so many of these. Werther’s is very pissed off. There’s something about his presence that renders his lover (sorry, I just keep interjecting my headcanon about this but otherwise their relationship makes no sense to me) Featherhead completely mute. I don’t care about them enough to go all the way back and check, but I feel like at some point Werther’s dominance became such that Featherhead just nods and mimes with his face when Werthers is speaking. Werthers wants to do something he calls “Full measures.” Kevin’s dad makes like Kevin and is spineless.

Meanwhile, in English class, Veronica is doing King Lear. She’s giving Cordelia’s refusal speech. The person who understands exactly what Veronica is going through, with an overbearing, criminal father, is Cheryl. Betty is sad because Veronica is clearly sad, but it’s Cheryl that understands her. While this excellence is going on, Grundy is fucking making eyes at Archie, who reciprocates because he doesn’t ever not.

Later that day, Veronica brings an affidavit with the correct set of lies to her father. She says she did it for her mother, then starts laying out conditions. She wants her father to tell her mother that he’s cheating on her. She also wants the title to the Pembroke. The way this father daughter pair constantly fight over real estate, and the supreme importance of paperwork to their relationship is an odd constant. I have issues with Cordelia - The great tragedy of King Lear, to me, isn’t that King Lear has evil daughters. It’s that King Lear is a deeply stupid man who favored the child who most directly inherited his deep stupidity, the extremely stupid Cordelia. I am immensely satisfied that Veronica finds a very Goneril/Regan type of solution to her Cordelia problem. Good for her. There’s a reason I love her so much.

At the post office, Betty collects a literal BAG of mail. Did post office rules in the US change sometime after the fifties? Because you can’t actually send things that are addressed to something like “The Girl Next Door.” The US Postal Service literally will not deliver if you give your addressee a title like that. Oh but I guess this is Riverdale, not the US of A? Or did Betty somehow manage to like, actually establish an LLC or something with the name “Girl Next Door”?!

Hermione has come home to the Pembroke literally the afternoon of the morning Hiram left, I guess. Veronica says as much. Hermione says that Oh Mija is going to shutter after “seven long seasons” because she is “ready for something new.” She has extremely nervous hands while she’s announcing this plan to Veronica, fidgeting with her gloves and twitching her fingers. I think she has to let out her feelings in this digital dance because the expressive muscles of her face do not move much at all. She also adds almost like an afterthought that she will be divorcing Hiram. Veronica seems not particularly perturbed by this news. She reacts like she’s Hermione’s older sister, rather than her daughter. “What will you do?” as in - how will you cope? But also What will you live on? and so forth. Hermione manipulates a promise to not have to spend Christmas by herself from Veronica, as though none of the rest of the season have actually happened.

What absolute assholes both Hiram and Hermione are. They both abandoned Veronica, banished her, locked her out of the house rendering her homeless on purpose in order to punish her for getting in the way of their parking lot real estate deal, but when the going gets tough, they both come to see her to demand her company, her fidelity and her services. And she gives it to them, because Veronica is second only to Jughead Jones as the most love-starved character on Riverdale. Poor baby.

Jughead gets to school the next day to fine that the whole student body is lined up with armfuls of comic books, trying to sell them to Werther. Dilton doesn’t see what the harm would be, but later we are shown. There is a cartoon Nazi style book burning which I would bet is taken shot for shot from Indiana Jones. Cheryl is standing in for the Nazi Elsa (which is so not fair to her but ok) crying tears over the destruction of free speech and art. The Riverdale Adventure Scouts stand in for the Indiana Jones Hitler Jugend.

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