#ripmylittlepeanut

[thistownhasgotliestotell]

Everything has been so awful lately. I feel as if I've become numb to everything. I've lost all my motivation to do anything. I can't help but think that i would be 18 1/2 weeks pregnant, i would have found out the sex this week. Its so hard to cope with this even after a month and a half. I find myself crying or tearing up when people announce their pregnancies or post baby pictures . Its almost as if im mad that they were able to carry their baby to term when i wasn't. Even if its something you cant control,i still can't help but blame myself for this. Im told it'll get better with time,but what if it doesn't? What if i keep feeling worse?

[thistownhasgotliestotell]

So not many people know this but back in august i found out i was pregnant. I was so excited and so scared at the same time. From the moment i found out i was pregnant nick was there for me and he was ready to be a dad and start a family with me. But sadly on September 28th i went for an ultrasound only to find out our baby had stopped growing at 8 1/2 weeks,i was 12 1/2 weeks along and their tiny heart was no longer beating. I was so devastated that the minute the doctor said there was no heartbeat i couldn't stop crying. Nick held my hand and comforted me every step of the way. Losing someone who i had never gotten the chance to hold has got to be one of the worst experiences i have ever had. I would never wish this upon anyone not even my worst enemy. Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I haven't really talked about this with many people but i just wanted to type it out as a way with coping i guess. Losing my first baby was absolutely terrible and i just honestly haven't felt the same since. To anyone who has ever lost a baby i am so sorry for you loss.