#right now i'm going more or less cold turkey but once i get more into a routine

[frogayyyy]

i bought a new old phone

[monsterblogging]

So, it finally clicked that while the average person does in fact broadly comprehend that people are neither good nor evil - they're good and bad, and have free will - they also can't understand why some people would fully commit themselves to completely awful causes or to being a terrible person throughout their entire lives. They can't really picture how this works, because they can't imagine themselves choosing to die on a hill of Being A Terrible Person.

This void in their comprehension is where the myth of the Ontologically Evil Person is very likely to come and settle in sooner or later, because it seems to finally provide an answer that makes sense of otherwise senseless cruelty and violence. Agonizing questions like "Why would my boyfriend spend so much energy on making me feel like shit and breaking me down?" "Why would this historical figure decided to kill all of these people?" and "Why would this guy go start a cult and murder everyone?" are finally given an answer, and the formerly-bewildered person finally has some peace of mind.

Because of this, the myth of the Ontologically Evil Person is incredibly hard to get out of people's minds once it takes root. For one thing, bad ideas are like bad habits; it doesn't really work to tell people to Just Stop With Them, because without something else to take its place? They're going to fall back on it.

And if somebody's been traumatized from abuse? The last thing they want to hear is that they're basically dehumanizing their abuser and that's not cool, because it feels to them like the other person is taking their abuser's side and telling them to get fucked. Even if this not what's happening, the survivor's brain is currently operating on fight/flight/fawn/freeze mode, and a brain operating fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode is keyed to making snap decisions to try and remove you from the danger as soon as possible, which means categorizing everything into black and white. This person couldn't care less about the history of eugenics right now; literally all they care about is being safe.

"Okay, so if the Ontologically Evil Person doesn't exist, how the hell do you explain those fuckers over there?" some of you are probably asking.

Here's the deal. Literally every human being alive can and will do terrible things if they're sufficiently scared and desperate. They're in no position to appreciate that nearly all asshole behavior can be explained by a lack of critical social and self-management skills, or by a lack of access to self-improvement (including being too traumatized to trust means of self-improvement).

People who are scared, insecure, and under high levels of stress will often cling to anything that makes them feel better, because they want to feel safe and secure and not in psychological and/or physical agony. (Stress does an absolute number on your body, too.)

Being reliant on a shitty behavior, belief system, or product for some measure of feeling secure and safe is how you get people saying things like "If I didn't act mean, everyone would just walk all over me!" or "I was really depressed before I found this, so if I gave it up I'm going to get depressed again, and I might hurt myself." (And there might be some truth to this one! This might indeed happen if they give it up cold turkey, and without finding an alternative!) It's how you get people conducting """scientific""" studies to """prove""" that their bigotry is totally justified and not at all irrational. ("Well of course these people are genetically inferior, they wouldn't be poor and disease-ridden if they weren't... what do you mean, systemic inequality and uneven healthcare access? No that's obviously fake and made up by More Bad People.")

People also act in unhealthy ways to deal with personal insecurities implanted by parents or society. You have people out there whose parents drummed it into their heads that second place was for worthless losers, or that no one would love them if they didn't look or act a certain way. You have people who absorbed the idea that acknowledging the basic humanity of shitty people means that they have to forgive them and personally help them get better and just suffer through the abuse in the meantime.

This is how people choose to die on the hill of Being A Terrible Person. They weren't ontologically evil. They were scared, and they thought they saw a fortress on the top of that hill that would keep them (and perhaps also their loved ones) safe.

[lotusparadisaea]

I keep thinking about how Only Friends would've benefited from a longer run-time and how some specific things of the show could've been handled a lot better if that were the case so I'm writing them down to have them all out there.

Giving Top a personality.

I think one of my many grievances with the show (despite the fact that I like it a lot) it’s the fact that unlike other characters, Top doesn’t seem to have much development outside of his relationship with Mew. We get to learn a little about all these characters episode from episode, yet all we know about Top are throwaway things that are almost never mentioned again or instantly resolved, or don’t carry throughout the show.

For example, his drug use. We learn about his drug use and apparently, it’s immediately resolved once Mew offers to sleep with him to make him stop. He can, it seems, stop cold turkey. Although he seems to be a very “sentimental” user (he talks about being high when he’s alone or to have fun). This is never brought up again, not even when Mew starts using. Which I found weird? I thought maybe he would get back to it after he ended his relationship with Mew, or at least have a harder time deciding not to take it, yet his drug use was mentioned once, resolved instantly, never brought up again.

Then, the sleeping pills and his trauma, we get to learn why he uses him, his trauma around sleeping alone, yet we never really see him struggling with that, in that same scene Mew agrees to sleep with him, and then we see him deciding not to take them, calling Boeing instead. Yet. We never really see him struggle with not being able to sleep otherwise. He has PTSD about a traumatic event on his childhood and I think he, as a character, would’ve benefited from a scene where, after breaking up with Mew, and before calling Boeing, he tries to sleep alone and isn’t able to, maybe showing his discomfort, an anxiety episode or something similar. The worst thing is this scene exists, where he decides to take someone else home after he sees Mew and Ray but fails, he can’t have sex with them, he CRIES and has to tell them to go away, and YET THE SCENE WAS DELETED.

Just learn more things about him in general. We know Nick’s dreams of animation and Boston’s photography, we know Sand wants to travel the world and go to music festivals, damn, we even know Cheum’s girlfriend, April, who only shows up for like three episodes is going to film school and makes confusing indie short films, yet we don’t seem to know much about Top’s aspirations, dreams, likes and dislikes, other than the fact that he used to sleep around and now he’s in love with Mew.

Boeing showing up sooner.

Had Only Friends been a longer show not being cut short by the typical run-time of your average GMMTV BL, and it had, let’s say, 18 episodes (like other gmmtv shows such as PSIHY), Boeing’s appearance in the last stretch of the show could’ve been less rushed. He could’ve showed around episode 12 and still make chaos and ruin relationships for six episodes, instead of three episodes where we barely get to learn anything about him other than he deeply dislikes Top for having dumped him. Like, why is he trying to get on with everybody? What are his motivations? Does he just like the drama? Does he have an actual plan? Like I could say: Boeing deeply regrets leaving Sand for Top, he realizes he made a mistake as soon as Top dumps him, and since then he plans to get Sand back and ruin Top’s life. That could be a motive. But we don’t know much about him, not really.

And also, sooner as in: we should’ve had flashbacks of his and Sand and Top’s relationships. I know that would’ve ruined the reveal of the actor, but I think there are clever ways to show flashbacks of a relationship without showing the actor’s face if the reveal was so important. Right now, we see Sand being awkward around Boeing but never straight up saying no, why is he so hesitant? The whole show we’ve seen him being in love with Ray, what was his relationship with Boeing like? Why did it make him hate Top so much to enact a revenge plan on him, even knowing he could hurt the person he currently likes? Were things really that insane? We know they had plans together but that’s because we were told this episode, it would’ve been so much better if the change we see Sand have in Boeing’s presence had much more context.

Exploring more the different relationship and dynamics

Okay, I think the show does a great job at this but there are things that seem so out there, that aren’t really developed or that could’ve use deeper approaches.

The group friend: why are they even friends? Did they met in university and found out they were all queer and banded together? Why, if both Cheum and Mew find Boston’s sexual life so awful they stick around him? Why did Cheum act like Ray was the only one at fault in the whole raymew debacle when they’ve always known he has substance abuse problems and he’s in love with Mew? Why does she says Ray never cares about them and yet the first scene of the show it’s them poking fun at Ray for always telling them he loves them while he’s drunk and he’s drunk all the time? The whole friend group should’ve had a deeper approach, imho.

Ray and Mew: okay, so Ray is in love with Mew. Mew knows this. We know Mew stopped Ray from committing suicide and that deepen their vow. We know Mew chose to be with Ray because he wanted to hurt Top. We know Ray couldn’t say no to Mew, even though by that point he already liked Sand. Yet we barely have any scenes of them together. We hear from their friends that their relationship was a mess, as short as it was, but we only really get one episode showing it. The next episode they broke up and are really mature about it, which? Okay, fair, but what was really their relationship like? We had glimpses of it.

Cheum and literally anyone else other than Mew: she’s Mew’s ride or die apparently, but she’s supposed to be friends with all of them. She even says if she weren’t a lesbian she would choose Ray, yet we never see her being a good friend to any of them. She’s literally a better friend to Top that she ever was to both Ray and Boston.

No half-assed plots

Sometimes it feels like the show is trying to do too much and it isn't able to. Specially these last episodes. The whole Atom/Boston debacle could've been better if it had taken more episodes to develop. We don't see his "friends" ostracizing him other than the first confrontation, but like, they literally threw him off their thesis project, even if Boston is leaving, i think he would've been at least a little worried about not being able to graduate. Atom hasn't gotten any consequences, Cheum and Mew have not apologized. I feel like this plot should've been better executed.

Same thing goes for Mew's little "Reputation" era.

And other plot points like, apparently Sand and Ray were sleeping together all the time when Ray and Mew were together? But this was never shown, in fact, it was implied Sand was keeping his distance, trying his shot with Freddie #2, telling Ray he wasn't his rebound or second option ALL THAT WHILE STILL SLEEPING REGULARLY WITH HIM?? There's a lot of "tell and don't show" in the series and it falls flat because of it.

The things they did show are good, for example, Ray's drinking problem. When we finally reach the rehab plot it doesn't feel rushed or out of nowhere because we've seen Ray drink all the show.

More development for the main couples.

This is self-explanatory, but like Jojo himself said they had to cut scenes for ALL of them because of the run time. I feel like for a relationship/character driven show, sometimes it really seems affected for the short run time. There are scenes we see in previews we don’t get, scenes that are released ON TWITTER because they didn’t make it to the show and a lot more of depth in the book that in the show and if that’s not a clear sign that the show should’ve been longer idk what it is.

[gar-trek]

you been doing ok lately gar? you haven’t been posting very much and we miss you

aww this is very nice, thanks for asking about me! I'm 100% fine! the truth is I finished DS9 back in October and I just haven't been as passionate about Star Trek since. I have been running this account for (one month shy of) two years now and during that time I slowly worked my way through TOS, TNG and DS9. Never once during that whole time did I feel even slightly sick of Star Trek, and I never ever ran out of things to say about it. During the last two years, I casually partook in some other medias, but they never occupied as much of my brain space as Star Trek did. I was kind of just always thinking about some aspect of the show, and therefore having tons and tons of post ideas and drawing ideas.

Somehow, over a very short period, I stopped thinking about it every day like I used to. It's not that I don't like it anymore or whatever, its just not in my brain anymore. this is gonna come out of far far far left field and SOME may even feel distressed or disgusted to hear this, but for the last month the thing I've thought about every second of every day has been Disney's Zombies. Yep. I finished DS9 on October 14th and then watched zombies 2 with my friends on October 30th and just got like super super obsessed. maybe it was like an obsession rebound ??? maybe just a sad pitstop in my overall star trek journey before i can fully sink my teeth into ent??

right now i AM watching ent and there is seriously nothing wrong with it. in fact id go as far to say a lot of aspects of the show are more well done than other star trek series. but the thing is I just watch an episode, enjoy myself, and then don't really think about it again. perhaps i just need a cold turkey break for a while from anything star trek related before i can get back into it

I don't want anyone to worry, this isn't going to turn into a Diseny Zombies blog or any other weird thing (i have my side account for that @gars-side-trek if you for some reason wanna follow). Even if i start posting a lot less or even altogether, this will always be a star trek blog! I understand why you all follow me and I'm not gonna change it up on everyone like that. This isn't like a dramatic announcement about me leaving or whatever, and probably a good portion of you don't care what I do/didn't even notice I've been more quite. But i did just look back and realize I posted half as much in November as i did in October, so if anyone else was curious about where I've been there is your answer!

[sincelastsession]

It hurt to hear from my mom today that my dad only wants to know if there's something wrong with my heart and told my mom to tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me or know anything about me other than that.

You know I was polite and tried. He got terribly abusive, I had a pretty nasty reaction to what he said over the call. I showed you because I wanted to be honest.

I don't like that he makes himself look innocent of literal crimes and abuse towards me and flips out so hard-core at me to the point I have these reactions and compulsory issues.

I spoke to my mom about a few things. She wants me to work on being more positive and various things like coping mechanisms.

I did explain to her right now it's extremely hard to be what she wishes to see because my brain feels broken.

Everyone seems to think since I was in Regions is when my overtalking started. Mom as a psych nurse thinks it's the trauma I went through and possibly a medication they put me on and how they ripped me off a benzo cold turkey. It was super traumatic and I was flinging my arms and legs and couldn't control anything and felt like I was having waking seizures and I had to go to a neuromuscular doctor about it but they couldn't figure it out. Then my dad attacked me and threatened me a ton then there was covid and a car wreck that gave me a concussion and I still have one pupil that gets bigger than the other because oschner's er failed to check me and she had to bring me back. I've had some memory issues worse since that all right before covid dunno if my brain is actually damaged but I'm guessing to some degree it is. Sometimes I think it might be a petuitary issue or adrenal or cortisol and dopamine imbalance. I've really never had a Doctor that wanted to look very far into it or explain it in a manner in which I could understand because believe it or not even though I have a special interest in medical I actually look at medical things less than I used to because going to the Doctor is very exhausting and I've had to go so much in the past 5 years that other than making sure that my Doctor is not misdiagnosing me I don't want to look at anything. I mean unless of course it's a new thing that's fascinating like that crazy new sexually transmitted fungal infection that's like ringworm from hell or something. That was a wild read.

Anyway I saw Robin and she's the one that mentioned Regions to my dad and she threatened to put me somewhere because she didn't like that I was on anxiety meds and used to work for the olol cope team.

Just because I can sometimes speak well doesn't mean that I'm not having a tremendous amount of anxiety.

My grandmother was on Valium her entire life and would leave the house to go shopping and drive around and she had very bad anxiety and apparently my grandfather abused her and she ended up saving her meds and drinking a bunch of wine.

My mother had caught her once before trying to kill herself.

Everyone says I'm like her but the only things I see that are the same is our body build, some of her taste, her anxiety issues, and that's about it.

My other grandmother on the maternal side had a head injury when she was young but she was still incredibly smart. She was an art teacher. I have her sense of humor which was kinda mean and dark. I know she took meds for anxiety but no one else remembers it. She likely had EDS like I have hypermobility eds. You can tell by the way skin ages and collegen.

Both my grandmothers were art teachers. Different ability though. One made it her life the other didn't.

I don't know very much about my father's family because they were very secretive. They still are.

Both of my grandfather's worked with cattle one had a dairy farm for a short period of time then he went into a state job selling insurance I believe and my other grandfather I believe did door-to-door sales then he did time clocks and then he also did black Angus cattle for meat.

My mom's father is the one who drunkenly molested and did things to me.

That was excused by everybody and I was made to feel like I was making it up when I tried to bring it up to begin with and my mom does not remember me bringing it up to begin with and my grandmother was angry but did not do anything. And it was forgotten about until I remembered in my 20s. And then both of my grandparents died on my mom's side my grandmother first followed by my grandfather.

And my dad's mom died first and they claimed it was a heart attack even though it was very obvious she killed herself and nobody wants to talk about that because everybody wanted to claim insurance money. And then his father actually died in a nursing home completely neglected and I didn't know that nobody was helping him and he was doing bad or I would've been there myself if I had been asked. He got dementia pretty damn bad before he passed away and he had a pretty bad temper and he had hearing issues and my dad is very similar but my grandfather on my dad's side was never awful to me he was a good grandfather he was an alcoholic but he did not leave his office or yell or act out when I was there. He would just put alcohol in his coffee or take nips from a flask and I was little and didn't know what he was doing.

He had an odd fascination with lighting candles and then carving them down while they were lit and I have the table that he used to use and do that on and it was just a weird thing he did

He owned a hunting camp in saint francisville and some other property and when he passed away everybody wanted to sell it and it broke my heart because I could have had some land to put a house on and live in peace. But it wasn't my choice because I was not his child.

I have to say that my grandparents raised me about 2/3 of the way in my life. My parents would be working and so they would watch me when I was sick and not doing well. So at a young age I was mostly around adults constantly doctors and my grandparents and I didn't really have too many childhood friends because everybody thought I was weird and the only childhood friend that I had was Kelley.

And Kelly developed drug addiction over time and it consumed her and she got better and then she and I were going to meet up I had planned to go over there because I was ready to be her friend again because I was tired of the lying before and she happened to overdose the day I decided I was going to go see her and my mom had to Let me know that she was dead.

And I did not realize that I was in love with her until after she was dead. I wasn't in love with her since I was a little kid. And I have never told my parents that. And I never told her that. I just remember thinking that she was the most beautiful girl on earth and I knew that I wasn't supposed to think that and I was maybe a first grader when I first got a crush on her and I just I think I talked about it to somebody at some point and they said well you just happened to really love your friend and then after that I was like oh that's just you just love your friends and It's not I'm in love with her and I thought I misunderstood for years and it was only after she passed away that I realized that it wasNot just because she was my friend.

I can't go visit her kids because they look like copies of her and they don't even know who I am.

And then the other love of my life died. He had both parents pass away and he moved to Hawaii to be with a childhood sweetheart who inevitably dumped him and he was found floating out in the ocean about a mile out 1 day and that's how he died he died of drowning.

And they weren't people that understood me and people that understood me and people that understood how bad my home life was

Cole used to tell me that I needed to run away from my parents before they ended up hurting me and I couland they did hurt me a lot

Kelly used to come and pick me up and smoke me out and drive around for a few hours and drop me back at home when my parents had gone to sleep just so I could escape the house because she knew how bad it was.

I don't hate you Joshua. I've been very mean and even if you don't care I'm still sorry if I've hurt your feelings.

I don't expect you to understand me fully.

I did realize I was triggered today because of how my dad has done this before and I was scared you wouldn't see through the Oscar winning performance he put on. He manipulated Robin into believing many things about me were and weren't true. He is a big part of the reason I lost my shit and then was pressured into going into Regions where Dr. Khan and his staff broke HIPPA and ruined me.

I was not doing well but I was not doing this bad before I went and Covid started. I was going to sue them all. I needed assistance and I was blown off. They wouldn't release my files to me or Dr. Todd. He told me he had many patients he had to fix due to Dr. Khan's negligence and urged me to sue. I should have never been given Geodon. They never got in touch with Dr. Todd or the pharmacy. I was traumatized by other patients there. I watched the staff abuse and ignore patients. I was forced to watch a Ted talk with a detailed story of child abuse along with other patients especially one with DID who was at the time her child alter. I got told I was going to be raped by a criminally insane man. They did NOTHING about it. Patients that had been there a while very obviously sedated told me about how one guy would expose himself and start to assault patients. I was followed around by a schizophrenic patient that was paranoid I was an agent and since I have a mustache and beard that grows and couldn't shave that I was called really inappropriate things until I finally had enough and blasted him and asked the fishbowl why the fuck he wasn't on an antipsychotic. They brought me where I could see patient files and information into the fishbowl. I read those things out loud that were visible to me and asked them if they knew what HIPPA was.

I showed you my reaction to Dad's abuse because I couldn't record the call and the things he's said to me and I am trying to be transparent and trust you to understand that I don't just sit there and think out things to hurt him. It happens fast. I'm in a compulsive flashed out type state.

I should not have said anything.

I just wanted to talk to my dad. He was so awful to me. He can't speak to me and doesn't want to because he got his feelings hurt after attacking me.

I was just tryna tell him about the farmer's market, the neighbors, and fill him in on things he missed. I didn't do anything right. I didn't speak right. I was full of shit. I couldn't get to the point fast enough. He told me he didn't care. He told me to shut up. He flipped out when I asked him a question that he misread as smartass. He hung up then called back telling me I had to follow his rules but then tried to tell me I should know his rules. Nothing he said made sense. He said my repeating triggered him. I repeated because he kept knocking my thought process off track telling me to shut up or get to the point or "when is this going to be over" Then when I asked him to stop and told him he was being inappropriate and rude to me and told him it was not ok to treat me like this and threaten me he threatened me again and I asked him what his diagnosis was because hed said he had the same diagnosis as me and I have several so i wanted to know if it was all of them or one and then told him he should seek help for it if it was causing him to act out and treat me like shit he thought i was being a smartass and screamed fuck you over and over till I hung up.

He will hang up on me for much less. If I say hello and don't remember to say "how are you" or if I am holding my breath as I do because of anxiety and make a huff noise breathing he has hung up...he gets me worked up then hangs up then calls back or waits till I do because it hits the abandonment rejection wound among other things and I just don't lie down anymore and let him treat me like shit dude. Even when I "complied" he was still trying to groom me into his ideal of a perfect daughter and poison me against my mother.

They've both tried to get me to take sides and at times said if I didn't I could rot with mh dumb bitch mother. I have it told her that he plans to put a lean on her house so she can't force sell the house he's trying to fix up and sell now because I didn't want him to sell it and neither did my sister awhile back and I still don't want either of them to sell it but he swore me to secrecy about him putting a lean on her house to just fuck her over

I was treated like I had to pick aside since I was a tiny child. They used me as a weapon against one another. They still try to do it.

I never wanted to pick a side I just wanted to be a kid

I don't feel like I ever got to be a kid.

[bondsmagii]

in reference to your last anon: I honestly couldn't agree more - several years back I decided I wanted to read more because I hadn't really since I was a little kid, and I basically just decided to stop watching TV. like cold turkey. and for a while it was difficult, and then it was really difficult on-and-off for a little while, but now I'm five years deep and reading is so habitual I really don't even think about it. I get that it's not for everyone, but it's really not that deep lol

I am assuming this is about the advice for internet addiction anon? I'm running a lot of asks on the queue right now because -- go figure -- I do not spend much time on social media lol.

but yes, exactly! I hate how simple it sounds, because a) it does a disservice to the fact that it is actually very difficult and b) it always sounds so condescending when I tell people what the "trick" is. the trick is there is no trick. you just gotta do it. and it's the same with a lot of things people ask me, mainly how I read so much/learn so many languages/spend barely any time online -- I hate how it's unavoidable that I sound a bit condescending, but it is literally just the truth. to read a lot I read a lot. to learn languages I sit down and study. to spend barely any time online I simply sign off. and it is hard, because it takes discipline! but that is also all it takes.

I've always been of the opinion that nothing worth doing -- nothing, big or small -- is going to be easy. if there's a "trick" or a "life hack," it's either something half-assed, or it's less a hack than it is someone's personal method that might work or (more likely) might not. when it comes to long-term committment and discipline, there is no shortcut. the hardest part is learning and internalising that fact, but once you do, you can quite literally do whatever you like.

[sabakos]

.

So the mountain dew thing I posted the other day is um. Hm. I'm going to turn reblogs off on that actually. It's very good I posted it and got to see people's reactions and I think I made some people laugh with how I presented it, don't feel bad if you reblogged it. but uh. yeah. Not only is it unfortunately true, if anything I downplayed it a bit and left out the parts that weren't funny. Which I now realize I don't really want to think about every time I check my notes tab for the next few weeks. I never kept count but I'm pretty sure I spent more than just a few nights in high school curled up in pain in front of the toilet. I lost over 50 pounds in a year from that.

Kind of maybe also some not-so-unintentional self-harm was going on there I think. It fits in a pattern with some other past habits of mine that I don't post much about because, well, I don't want to turn this into a trauma blog. If you really wanna know, I was a high-functioning alcoholic until age 26. Like, rarely sober outside working hours, most of my calories from alcohol level. End-stage. Due to other personal issues ("wait sabi, weren't you in a serious LTR then?" yes and also my mom was in a psych ward, we don't have time to unpack any of that), I quit drinking cold turkey in 2019 and realized looking through old pictures on my phone that I barely remembered most of what happened in college, let alone anything before that. I don't even know if it's technically amnesia, so much as dissociating so severely from my past. I had a "bit" of a major mental collapse in fall 2019 after quitting drinking as my mind slowly remembered how to have emotions, real clutch scheduling that right before a global pandemic.

Thankfully due to doing nothing for two and a half years, I remember most of college now, and I've been able to recover almost 3 full years of high school from basically fragments in the past year alone. My liver doesn't hurt anymore. I'm also physically repulsed by alcohol as a result of the withdrawal. But it's starting to get back far enough to start reminding me of the previous mental breakdown that I had in middle school that made me almost get held back in 8th grade. I... might decide I don't need to know about anything before that for a little while. Not sure I actually have the ability to make that decision though. It will work itself out nonetheless, it will just be less pleasant.

I've actually almost never actually been suicidal or intentionally thought "oh I'm doing this to hurt myself." But I'm not just shitposting about the whole body dysphoria thing, beyond any gender stuff I just also would prefer not to deal with being a body. I hate every photograph of me as soon as I take it, I can only bear to look at any of them once enough time has gone by that I can trick my brain into thinking it's not me. I believe I drank alcohol for the same reason I drank horrifying concoctions in high school and still sometime make too spicy food or eat so many sour patch kids and takis my mouth bleeds. I only hated the stomach cramps in high school because I didn't know why I had them, but when I finally vomited so hard I puked blood and burst blood vessels in my face, it felt good. I enjoy pain, I like the feeling that my body has been hurt when I'm the one directly causing it. I'm punishing it for existing. I know a couple mutuals of mine probably know exactly what I'm talking about based on their own posts. I also know now that I'm doing this, and that I need to stop doing it. I'm not too worried now that I've figured this out.

But also I think for the first time I can remember, I actively want to continue to exist. I know on some level that I need to accept that that will include my body and not just living out my social life on the internet. I... like other people, not just in a flirty way, and I know I'm saying this on Tumblr of all places but I promise if I ever meet any of you I'm one of the weirdest fucking interesting people you'll ever meet because it's what people are telling me all the time. I'm really shy and don't know how to initiate an interaction with a stranger, but if you can get me to say anything at all, I talk endlessly in my (apparently, strange) voice, I hold my body wrong in distracting ways, I abruptly change topics when I'm not supposed to. None of this occurs to me at the time I'm doing it, and I do know how to act correctly in any situation, I'm just wholly incapable of doing so. But somehow this reads as charming and eccentric rather than horribly rude to most people I meet? People tell me I'm the strangest person they've ever met as a complement. I don't really know why.

All the memories I've recovered have contradicted my past beliefs that I've always struggled to make friends. I think I just... didn't notice? But dozens of my peers consistently made the decision to go out of their way to spend time with me almost the whole time I knew them. I don't think that was out of sympathy, I sure wasn't the Special Ed kid. So I think I actually had close friends almost my whole life from age 10 onward, many of them even? all despite the fact that I wasn't really capable of consciously reciprocating a lot of the time, and that I totally forgot in the years since that some of them even existed until later. So I want to do that again somehow, have a bunch of people I know in real life that I'm close friends with. And actually realize it this time. And I hope I'm not deluding myself with what I remember, though I've been able to independently corroborate enough that I don't think so.

Anyway if anyone was curious, that's... most of my whole brain problems deal from the parts of my life I remember. Or as much as I can condense into a post anyway. Much of it was in fact rather happy and I usually present things in a much more positive light. This post was just not about that.

[myartisdangerous]

I've been on a personal feminist praxis journey regarding makeup. I've read so much makeup critical material, but it's been a struggle for me to move away from it. I understand the damage it does to expect women to paint their faces, and yet I find myself unable to go cold turkey. Honestly, I might not even want to. There is a universal human desire to decorate and adorn ourselves. I think I just want to fix my relationship with makeup and with my unadorned face.

I'm currently taking in incrementalist approach. This is a great dovetail with my anti-consumerist/minimalism “Low Buy” challenge this year.

These were/are my steps:

Financial Investment Steps

Stop buying any “high end” makeup. It's overpriced and rarely worth it.

Do a makeup inventory, and throw out any old/expired makeup. Here's a cheat sheet for when things should be thrown out. Be brutal!

Do a “Project Pan”! It's a challenge to use up the makeup you do have before buying any new.

Limit any new purchases to only very inexpensive drug store makeup that is cruelty free.

For me this is Wet and Wild and ELF. The quality of those “low end” products is actually very good. Get away from the mindset that makeup is or should be an “investment.” It should not be.

You are allowed to “invest” in skin care. If a certain moisturizer or cleanser or serum works for you, even if it's a higher price point, keep it in your routine. Skin care is just a part of hygiene. But be careful you aren't just recreating your makeup obsession/habit with elaborate skin care routines.

Time Investment Steps

Reduce the amount of products you're using.

Start with forgoing foundation. It's the worst for your skin and arguably the product that is the most physically unpleasant to wear.

Try to get down to the least amount of steps/products possible where you still feel comfortable/put together. Once you're used to that, take one more product away.

Try a time limit. Set a timer for 5 minutes, and allow yourself ONLY that time to give in to beauty standards. Yes, it's still a capitulation. But it's a step on the right path.

Try out semi-permanent products – for example, I bought lash and brow tint. It takes 5 minutes to apply and I can now forgo mascara and brow products and still feel like I look good. You only have to reapply once a month. Here's what I used.

Mindset shift

Unfollow any beauty influencers or makeup related content on social media and YouTube.

Get used to looking at your unaltered (or at least less-altered) face. As a daily makeup user, this can take a long time.

This is why an incrementalist approach seems to be working best for me. Makeup alienates you from your own face. So take small steps at first to get used to yourself with less and less products slathered onto it.

Read and learn about feminists critiques of beauty. This will give you a solid philosophical foundation that will underpin your actions.

Clearly define your ultimate goals

Is it to NEVER wear makeup ever again? Is it to simply have confidence to leave the house without makeup once in a while without feeling embarrassed or ugly? Is it to fix your relationship with makeup and see it as something fun to play with, rather than an expectation or a security blanket?

[rimaiahwrites]

Untitled—

Chapter six

Erik slowly pulled his arm from underneath Israel's head without waking her then pulled the covers up to her face, since he had it freezing in his loft.

He swung his Heavy leg over the edge of his bed and stepped on his hard wood stairs that laid up to his bed slowly so it wouldn't creek or crack. He slipped away from the comfort of his bed and made it out of his room without a sound. Even though the sounds of his bare feet slapping against the floor in the hallway was still heard, Israel didn't make a move.

He flicked the lights on in the kitchen, and snatched the refrigerator door open. He mostly had vegetables, fruit and water.  It had been like that since He had started a healthy life style after he came back from the navy.

He grabbed his glass bottle of water and chugged it down. That early morning thrust was real. After he was done he refilled the bottle of water before putting it back in the fridge for his afternoon workout.

Erik went back into the living room and pulled his rug back to reveal his hardwood floors. He pulled one of the wooden boards up and reach up inside to grab his father's old leather Journal. It was slightly beaten up from the many years of his father using it but none the less it was still very beautiful.

his balcony doors blow open from the Wind and he pulled the cream white Curtains back and stepped out. The air was cool but not to cold.

It felt good against his skin. Over the few markings that he had on his  torso- about 400 plus, all in rows around his torso. Some were still healing and sensitive.

Erik was actually still surprised that Israel's nosey ass hadn't spotted them on him yet. He knew that once she had, she will ask him a Thousand and one questions about them. And Erik wasn't really ready for that since he knew he couldn't tell her the real reason he marked himself, at least not yet.

He sat in the big chair that he had hanging to the top of his roof. It swayed from side to side when it was windy or when ever Erik sown it himself. It was soothing though. His balcony was one of the places he liked to meditate and clear his mind. He could look down below, and see businessmen in suits and looking for a taxi, and kids heading off to school with big backpack bouncing against them from running to the bus stop. It was regular city life for him.

He loved the city but hated the memories it came with. He had lost to much in it. First his mother then his father, and so many of his childhood friends had lost their lives to the city they called home. So many time had the city almost taken his life as well, from being beaten on the street by police officers, or being held at gun point at 15, by a local drug dealer that Erik had considered one of his niggas.

The city had done him so wrong but yet here he was, still living in Oakland. Just in a better spot then the apartment that he had spent ten years of his life in.

Erik sighed and sat back down and open his father book. He liked to reread it to keep him motivated and focused on his Destiny. The foreign words of his father language, that he had learned to read over the years, popped out against the old- now brownish- paper. Erik flipped to the page titled, the prince is here.

My son, my prince, my happiness have finally arrived. More Beautiful then I could ever imagine, dark brown eyes like his mother and a head full of thick black kinky hair like me.

The happiness that spread through my body the moment my eyes laid on him I knew I was in love. This was a different type of love, not like the kind of love you have for your mother or your wife it was a kind of love that only a mother or father could have for their child-

Erik read with tears beaming his eyes. Not letting them fall once. Erik slammed the book shut clenching it in his hands, as he leaned forward staring at it. It didn't make him sad, it made his angry. He was so angry at his father and it confused him so deeply since he knew his father had no control over what happened to him.

Maybe it wasn't anger towards his father, but pain that he turned into anger like he always did. And he was tired of it, the anger that had been building up inside him ever since he found his father dead, on his Apartment floor with panther Panther  claw marks in his chest, that came from the man his father called brother.

That's where his real anger was towards, his family. Erik couldn't even call it anger, it was rage. He knew that once he met his uncle all hell was going to break loss. All the pain and rage he had inside of him was going to be released. As soon as he got to wrap his hands around T'chaka fat ass neck, and hear that satisfying crunk that came after he squeeze with all his might. And then his cousin t'challa, was next because he knew that once he killed T'chaka his son was going to go after him. But he was going to prepared.

Israel rolled over on the bed and look over the loft bed. Erik wasn't in the living room or kitchen. She had thought that maybe he had left, until she saw the balcony curtains blow up from the door being open. She smiled slightly and peeled the thick blankets back and headed down the stairs. The little cracking sounds the wooden stairs made as she tip-toed down  sparked Erik's interest, he closed the opened book again, and sat it behind the pillow he had on his swinging chair.

He leaned back into the door frame and spotted Israel on the stairs with a grin on her face. "Hi." She whispered softly so her voice didn't sound raspy from not talking for hours at a time.

"You always wake up in a good mood?" He asked getting up from the balcony ground and walking up to her. She chuckled and shrugged. "When I get a good night of sleep, yeah." She said looking down at him into his eyes, that were still slightly red from earlier. Since she was about three stairs above him, She placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned towards him. "Um...Thank you for last night, I had fun. It was the first time in a long time that I have felt like someone actually wanted to hang and spend time with me..." she admitted, looking down at his chest as she fiddled with his shirt. He rested his hands on her waist and squeezed lightly. "You don't have to thank me princess, I enjoy hanging wit' you." He spoke softly, brushing her face with his knuckles. Slightly pushing her face to the side.

Her gut felt bubbly with happiness, and her cheeks were starting to hurt with how hard she was smiling. And Erik only made it harder for her to stop from the way he was looking at her.

That look he gave her. The one were he would title his head like a puppy and lick his lips while keeping Direct eye contact.

The thigh clenching look if you will.

"You hungry?" He asked, picking her up and swinging her off the stairs to the bottom. "No not really, I don't like to eat breakfast that much because I'm never that hungry." She said sitting at the kitchen counter. His eyes raised and he turned to her.

"You gotta eat breakfast Israel, that's the most important meal of the day." She rolled her eyes because she had heard it so many time before from her mother. "I know I just don't like breakfast-"

"I'm making you breakfast, and you gon' eat it." Erik said turning around to the refrigerator to grab the stuff he needed.

And A word wasn't said as Erik handed Israel the plate of two prices of Turkey bacon one pancake, and a small glass of a mango kiwi and strawberry smoothie that he sweetened with orange juice.

He tried not to give her much but she still felt like it was to much food for right now. It he gave it to her at like 12 am in the afternoon she would most likely still be hungry afterwards.

She stared at the plate and then back at Erik, a pout on her lips. He nodded his head, as if telling her to go ahead and start eating. She sighed and grabbed a fork and began to eat, Erik as well. But his plate was stuffed. Three pancakes, three prices of bacon, and the rest of the plate was taken up by the four scrambled eggs. He was a big boy and needed all the food he could get.

"Is it good?" He asked, month full of food.

"Yeah, it's good even though your Force feeding me it." She chuckled taking another small bite. Erik gave her a close month smile, chewing his bacon aggressively.

"You'll get used to it, eventually your body will want to eat in the morning, anyway your parents call you yet?" She shook her head, taking a sip of her smoothie. "No, I don't know what's going on but hopefully my mother calls soon to fill me in and let me know they made it there safe." She said her thoughts wondering off a bit.

After they were done eating Erik decided he wanted to workout at his favorite boxing gym. So they both got dressed quickly, Israel just put on a white oversized t-shirt and a pair of gray leggings and her white nike sneakers, while Erik wore black baseball shorts a dark gray workout shirt and black running shoes.

Once Erik grabbed his bag they were at the door and headed to the gym.

Erik turned into the parking lot Of his boxing gym named the home of Apollo Creed. Israel raised her eyebrows but she went with it. Erik opened her door while he throwing his gym bag over his shoulder. "A boxing gym?" She questioned following him inside the cold building. There was about ten different sweating men hitting at punching bags or at their couch Gloved hands.

"Yes, that's what the sign says right?" He chuckled dropping his bag on the floor. She rolled her eyes at his slick reply and plopped Down on the bench near his gym bag, "you didn't tell me it was a boxing gym but k, smart ass." She mumbled, watching him watch her while he put on the thin black gloves that fighters put on before the actual boxing gloves. He was clearly not new at this because he wasn't paying much attention to his movements, he was staring at Israel. Something she had noticed he tends to do a lot. But they were even because she caught herself staring at him today more times then she'll like to amid.

"Come on," he smiled pulling her across the gym catching some of the busy men eyes, there was a couple of "damn Erik who dis?" And "this yo new girl?" Erik only grinned, winking at them. While Israel tried to hide herself behind him. Erik noticed and chuckled softly before hugging her to his side.

"You bout to get a couple of boxing lessons for free, by thee Erik Stevens." He sang playfully making her crack a smile. He turned around to look in the big box of gloves and found some pink ones from the little 15 year old girl that used to box here. They looked like they could fit. "Come here, gimme your hand." She slide both her hands in the glove and smiled at how cute they looked on her. "Tiny ass hands," Erik mumbled jokily making her roll her eyes and giggle. "Big ass hands...hulk smash face ass 'I'm Wreck-It' neck ass-" She shot back. he laughed loudly throwing his head back before telling her to "shut the hell up before I knock you out." She just rolled her eyes.

" Ok we're gonna start with a simple, 1,2." He explained taking jabs at the air, making his Biceps and man Titties bounce, In the form fitted workout shirt he changed into in the car. She copied the simple move but aiming at his hands this time. "Ok we gonna do that same move but with a duck added to it," he beamed, excited that she was catching on so soon. "Hit, hit, duck." She moved fast dodging his hand. "This is kinda fun but-" Israel began but was cut short by a high pitched voice and a light skin girl with long loss curls came walking to Erik.

"Erik?! Is that you?!? I haven't seen you in so long," she was so tall that she was almost Erik's height. Israel felt like a child standing next to them.

"This is my homegirl from back in the day, Erie." Israel smiled and waved shyly. "Aw is this your little sister?" Erie smiled sarcastically bending down a bit sticking her hand out for Israel to shake, Israel's smile dropped and things got awkward quickly when Israel didn't grab her hand and only stared at the girl.

"Um Nah this is a good friend of mine, but uh it was nice seeing you Erie." Erik chuckled while dismissing the girl trying to hold in his laughter.

"Oh...well I'll see you later I guess, you should Dm some Time so we can really catch up without..." She tailed off glancing at Israel before smirking at Erik and walking off, making sure to make her ass bounce with every step she took. Israel tore her eyes from her and rolled them. While Erik was busy starring at her ass Israel began to take her gloves off, using her teeth to undo the Velcro on her gloves. The tearing sound brought Erik's attention back to Israel. "What are you doing we still-"

"I'm not really feeling it anymore plus my arms are already getting tired." She huffed swinging her arms back and fourth trying to shake the 'soreness' out of them. Erik mumbled a "yeah already." knowing why she wasn't really feeling it anymore, he left her to sit on the ground while he went and found his trainer, RJ. Erik had been working with Him since he was 15, RJ was one of the only people that Erik felt like care for him when he was Foster care. RJ had found Erik fighting a boy a little older then him outside of a gas station and praised him for how good of a fight was and encouraged him to get into. Erik was definitely hesitant about it at first but RJ eventually convince Erik to do it especially since he was going to be training him for free. It was a way for Erik to blow off some steam with all the Pent up anger he had for the world, RJ was just happy to keep him off the streets. He knew the kid was A genius, he was too smart to end up in jail or dead.

-

It had been two hours since Erik had been training and two hours since Israel been sitting on the hard floor but she barely noticed the numbness in her butt and legs because she was to busy drooling over Erik's delicious body, it was shiny in sweat and his movements were Swift and fast. The faster he hit the punching bag the more his muscles jumped and bounced, Israel don't know how many she licked her lips or clinched her thighs together but she knew her lips were going to be raw and she would have to take a shower as soon as she got home, she didn't care though it was Worth it. She'll sit here all day and night if that meant she could watch him. She wasn't the only one enjoying this whole situation so was Erik. he knew she was watching his every move, she tried to act like she wasn't but she made it very obvious that she was checking him out, but he liked the attention. He liked how easily he can drawl women's attention without even trying. He had her eyes glued to him, not only hers but Erie's too. He caught her staring at him multiple times but instead of scaring away whenever he caught her she locked eyes with him, giving him very seductive look. Erik only chuckled at her Poor attempt and backed over to Israel to grab his ice cold water bottle. Her breath hitched as he reached over her, his hot body almost pressing against her. The scent of his sweat and actual body odor mix with his deodorant made her mouth water. She wanted so badly to reach up and touch his torso but held herself back, sparing herself the embarrassment of rejection. "Are you done?" "Yeah Come on someone wants to meet you before we leave," he said grabbing her hand to help her off the ground. The feeling in her legs started to come back finally as she made her way over to the punching bag. "Israel this my nigga RJ, we go way back." RJ smile brightly at the girl and extended his hand out to her. "Nice to meet you." She beamed at the handsome older man, holding his hand longer then she intended to. RJ didn't mind at all though. They both broke apart when Erik cleared his throat real obnoxiously eyeing the both of them like they stole something from him. "Nigga Y'all tryin' fuck later or what? The fuck." Erik hissed bluntly more so towards RJ, he was way to old to be looking at Israel any type way. He was in his early 40s and Israel was in her late teens, that shit didn't really sit right with Erik. Israel became tense and RJ just dismissed Erik's out burst rolling his eyes and punching him In the arm with the foam glove.

"Shut yo dumb ass up Erik, anyway it I was just trying to see what your name was and shit for later..." Erik's face scrunch up in discussed as he pulled Israel behind his back. "Nigga you old as dirt still trying to flirt with young girls....grow up." Erik chuckled grabbing his bag and Israel's hand pulling her behind him. "Ok and? I'm aging like fine wine, ain't that right baby girl?" He raised a eyebrow at Israel making her turn her face away to hide her smile from the both of them knowing that they'll probably just clown her. "More like milk, anyway I'll see yo old ass later." Erik dabbed him up and left making sure Israel was right behind him. He opened the door for her and she climbed in, putting her Seatbelt on without him having to tell her too this time. Erik got in next making the car bounce a little from how big he was. "Don't pay that old ass nigga no attention, he do that to all the girls that come in to the gym. He swear he's charming-"

"Welllllll......" Israel tailed off

"Woooooow....." was all Erik said before slumping down into his seat. "He fine." Israel laughed widely shrugged her shoulders. "Hell Nah He could be your dad or some shit he's like that old ass uncle at the cookout that get drunk before the party even start." Israel giggled wildly because she does really have a uncle that showed up to the family events already drunk. After their laughter died down things got quite. Like it always seemed to happen when they were by their selves. It wasn't necessarily a awkward Silent just a little uncomfortable, the type when you don't know what Else to say to keep the conversation going but Israel still enjoyed his company.

It was nice finally being around a man, it felt familiar to her. She was always only around boys and men growing up most of the time since she had no younger or older sister in the house, plus the girls that she did have In her family like her aunts and older female cousins were rude and bitchy for no reason so she stuck with just hanging around the boys. it was what she was used to and most comfortable with.

Erik's deep voice shook her out of her train of thought and now her eyes were staring into his trying to focus on what he was talking about. "Huh?" She said trying to process what he said. "I'm gonna drop you off at home."

She pouted and huffed out her breath before mumbling "I don't want to go home, why can't I just stay with you?" Erik chuckled dryly. "Because I got other shit to do Israel." The sternness in his voice jumped out and Israel was just about to let her bratty personality show but quickly caught herself.

She was really quite the rest of the ride this time, extremely quite. Erik only chuckled at her for being mad that she was going home instead of with him, but he didn't give a fuck. He had other shit to do like he said.

"So you not gon' talk?" She shrugged before turning on the radio. Erik turned it off. "Don't touch my radio, answer my question."

"What?" She asked as if she didn't hear him the first time round. "You wanna stay with me?" She nodded with puppy dog eyes. He almost melted. Almost.

"Mm." He hummed pulling up to her house. She pouted And huffed, annoyed with him playing with her.  "Whatever." She snapped before grabbing her phone out of his lap and slamming his car door shut. She heard Erik's annoying laugh loud and clear as she stomped her way up the steps to her door. Erik's slowly pulled away making sure she got in safely and when she did he speed away.

Soon as he stopped at a red light he grabbed his phone and went to his new contact: Israel (with the pleading face emoji) since it described her best. His fingers work at the speed of light as he tried to send the text before the lights turn green.

Good night, princess. Imma see you soon so you don't gotta pout and shit alright? He sent and almost instantly she read it. The gray dots appeared and vanished then reappeared and then her rely popped on his screen. Ok :) it was simple but it made him smile.

He almost sent her a text back but decided to just leave it at that. She was happy and fine now so there was no need to reply back.

_________

Sorry about the weird spacing in some areas Tumblr be weird sometimes with that. 

[tar-oh]

Pick a Pile: What do you need to hear right now?

Good news, folks! My semester is over! So, hopefully, this means my stress levels will not be as high and I'll have more energy to do more pick-a-piles! Today we're going to look at what you need to hear. Gonna be honest, all the piles seem related. It could be that they all hold a message for one person, or they're continuations of the others? Or they could be messages for people in situations that are related to one another? I'm not sure, but there's some connection between all three tbh. However, only read what you're feeling called to read. That means you can have more than one pile. I also have to put my normal disclaimer here: This is a general reading. Not all of it is going to apply to you. In addition to this, this is current energy and it can change by tomorrow. There is such a thing as free will, and we all need to remember that. If you do find that you resonate heavily with one (or two or all) of these piles and you want to know more, I am available for readings. Just DM me about it and I'll get back to you ASAP. I also have my cashapp and Paypal listed in my bio if you feel the need to tip (but it's not required) So, for the piles, pick an outfit worn by Fran Fine in season 1 of The Nanny!

Pile 1:

Cards: Cat, Eclipse, Saturday morning cartoons, Picollus, Alastor, Voices, Flying Without Wings, 7 of Cups, 6 of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, Full Moon in Scorpio, Friendliness, Joy, Page of Wands, The Emperor, The Hierophant

Oof I just got REALLY warm. I'm not sure what that means, but I think some are you are furious at someone. Well, you're asked to release the negativity (Full Moon in Scorpio), and also the bottom of the deck of the Moonology cards was Bring Love Into the Situation. The song on currently is Are You on Your Way by Middle Class Rut, and I take this to mean...are you coming home? Like, to yourself. I think some of you have allowed others to influence who you are, losing sight of who you are. There's something coming, or maybe this has already happened, but it's good. Possibly an achievement? However, there are underlying issues within this or around you. I take this more as outside voices, that part about being influenced by others again. I think the Voices card is one thing to look at about this. From this, I get two things. The first being that you need to listen to your own voice, your own judgment. The second is that you should ignore any voices on the outside. By this I mean, like family or friends. I really get that some of you have family or friends around you that are giving you their advice, but that it's no good. The Picollus card talks about long-standing feuds (specifically family feuds) and the Alastor card talks about not being vengeful. So I think maybe there are some not-so-kind things that are being said, either about you or others and you're being asked to not listen to them.

But, with the 6 of wands, wheel of fortune and Flying without wings, I see that there's something you're about to achieve or have just done. The bottom of the deck for the tarot was the tower, so for some, this is sudden. Maybe a promotion? Or, graduation, so a culmination of things leading up to something. But, I'm seeing that this can only be good if you're careful with where you get advice from and how you act. I'm not saying to ignore all advice, but I think when you hear advice, you're aware of what's good for you/will work for you and what won't. With the eclipse card, I can see that there are some things that may be unknown to you right now, and maybe this tower card on the bottom is coming energy (or past, depending on where you are at). The energy of this pile is NOT bad. It's more cautionary. There's a lot here about your shadow side, and I really want to stress that your shadow side isn't something to hate. It's a part of you. So I think you're being asked to be mindful of your actions towards others but also other's actions towards you, while also being kind to yourself?

Moving Along by 5sos came on. I was going to say that it feels like some of you are moving on from something, and maybe it's a breakup or a past failure, but now you're moving into better times like you're succeeding with something else. Moving on. But, I think there's a bit of fear here. For a few, there's resentment. I'm not saying you don't have the right to be resentful, but in the cards, there is a warning to be careful not to allow that to overtake you. The bottom of the Witches Oracle is Greet the Darkness, and this tells me that if you are feeling that resentment, you're being called to feel it. I don't think you can just ignore it, because it will eat away at you. However, you're being asked to feel it and then let it pass. So, again, kind of goes back to moving along, right? You also are being asked to find your voice and not use other's voices to dominate your thoughts/actions.

You know, it's not even a song that came on, but I was thinking about Harry Styles' song, Treat People with Kindness and I kind of am getting that message here? Like, I think overall, this is just a call to be good. Like, to discern what you hear, but also to be the best you can be. Do not to give in to the temptation of being a less than stellar person. I think it's a warning to be careful. Like, an ego thing?

I feel like there's something missing though? Like, I'm at the edge of what the overall message of this pile is, and they all seem to connect, but it's on the tip of my tongue and it won't come out? So, I wonder if there's also a need to speak up? We did get Voices. Also 7 of Cups can be about having too many choices that you're stuck trying to decide. It can also be about being stuck in the clouds. So, maybe there's a need to figure out what you want to say and say it? As concise as possible, but not too blunt? I had to go back and pull a couple more cards from some other decks (so, the Moonology cards are part of that). The other two cards I pulled from my Affirmators! deck and they were Joy and Friendliness. So!!! Yes, please treat people with kindness! But I also think this is kind of a treat people the way you'd want to be treated, so like, greeting meanness with a smile? Don't Take the Money came on, and I'm really noticing the line: "Buy back the secrets". This song is ultimately about not giving in to greed. Like, not choosing greed over love, and I think that's part of this message. I can see this resentment bubbling under the surface and I sound like a broken record by now, but? I think you're not really meant to allow it to bubble.

Also, I think you guys are my music group because I got SO many songs for you? I also was all ready to wrap this up, thinking "Well, there's that, I think I'm done." But again, I was still feeling like I was missing something and then a song called Something Left To Give by The Starting Line came on, so here I am pulling more cards. We got Page of Wands, The Emperor, and The Hierophant. But then...the bottom of the deck was The Tower again? So, first off. I think a lot of you are definitely ignoring something, like a lesson you're meant to be learning? And I think it has a lot to do with surrounding your ego and maybe reaching into the shadows. But I also think it has to do with holding grudges while also holding onto toxic things, such as thoughts or people? I think, with the Emperor and the Hierophant here, you have the ability to be kind while also upholding your boundaries, but I think this is less about how you are and more about how you need to be. And sometimes...that's about upholding boundaries with yourself, whether it be letting go of certain behaviors or thoughts, or making sure other people do not cross those boundaries. Another thing I'm getting is that there may be certain beliefs you hold about yourself or others, or even the world, that need to be changed. I get this "My way or the high-way" feeling from the Hierophant and the emperor, and I think that if you have this attitude, you're being asked to really rethink that. It's okay to not be right all the time, and it's also okay to make mistakes. It's also okay to change your mind. To find that what you once believe doesn't really hold up anymore. I just think it's SOMETHING to get the tower on the bottom of two different decks, and I think this is about well, I'm getting shipwreck imagery in my mind. Crashing those beliefs? Wrecking them? Burning them down and starting over. Saying to yourself: "Hey, I don't really need this anymore. It doesn't match who I am now and where I want to go. I can let this go now." And, this can apply to more than just beliefs. I am using the Daemon tarot and the bottom deck energy was brooms which has the same meaning as the Witches Oracle Brooms card: Cleaning. It can mean physical cleaning (and it IS spring. I know I need to clean lol), but it also can talk about purification. So, purging those beliefs that do not fit anymore and getting rid of what does not serve you. What is not working for you anymore? What isn't helping you be the best person you can be? It's not about quitting things cold turkey one morning. It's about slowly allowing those things to fall away. So I'm not saying you need to get up and both physically and metaphorically clean your life. I'm just saying, to start that process. Ya know? Getting a garbage bag ready and filling it as you go.

I really think there is something good happening for you but I think you need to keep yourself grounded in reality and to be the best you can be while this is happening. I also think you need to not allow others (or your own self) to get to you. I don't see anything in here saying you are a bad person, I just see that there's a reminder being made to be good and be the best you can be, which also includes making sure that what you have in your life is good for you. Nothing drastic has to happen (if you don't want that), but mindfulness is needed.

YIKES, that was long lol Also, side note, the bottom card for my Dreams deck was Animals, and I think if you've been having a lot of dreams involving animals, this was meant for you especially. I could barely fit all the cards in this picture, so I didn't take a pic of the animal card, but if you're dying to see it lmk lol The bottom of the Affirmators! deck as Trust. It just talks about how you know you'll be okay. Personally, when I'm having really bad days, I usually write in my journal "I am okay. I will be okay." Idk, just something I do that helps me. It's small, but it gives me hope. Songs: Kamikaze - WALK THE MOON Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer (the bass in this song is honestly top-tier :) ) Are you on your way - Middle Class Rut Treat People With Kindness - Harry Styles Don't Take the Money - Bleachers (Specifically the version Ft Lorde) Funny Business - Alice Merton The Abyss - DBMK

Pile 2:

Cards: Full moon in Gemini, Beauty, 5 of Cups, 9 of Cups, 6 of Cups, Murder, Pineapple, Confetti Rainbow, Money Green, Passing Notes, Nature Spirits reversed, Lamia, Astaroth, Cali, Knight of Pentacles reversed, 4 of Wands, King of pentacles

This group has a very specific message that comes out. It took a bit to get there, but I wanted to say that this is a specific situation. If you were called to it, then by all means carry on reading. However, if you find that you do not vibe with what this is saying, then this might not be your pile. However, I think there also might be a few bits here and there for some people, and not the whole message, so maybe try it out first.

First off, I get similar vibes to pile 1, but this pile seems more to be in a victim mentality. I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel that way, but I'm getting that there's a line and that you're either already past it, or you're near it. That line draws a boundary between feeling sorry for yourself and on the other side: feeling sorry for yourself that you play victim, never taking responsibility for yourself/actions. Get a defensive energy (I wouldn't be surprised if you were reading this and thinking that it may not be your pile because you're denying it? Hey, I do that all the time. I'm pretty guilty of this). I think a lot of you have had a tough time recently, or are still in the thick of it. I'm here to say that it will pass, but that you can't allow this to turn you bitter. Nor can you use this to take it out on other people. There's a strong message about making sure you don't do that. Also, not to manipulate others? I think there's a possibility of falling into this mentality that you're the victim and may be manipulating people into feeling sorry for you. I just get a weird manipulative vibe and I think maybe some of you can have the tendency of doing this, possibly even without being aware of it.

There's also a message of lightening up, allowing yourself to have fun. To stop focusing on the negative aspects of a situation, and find the humor in it. It may be something hard to do right now, but I think you'll find that maybe one day soon, you'll be able to do so.

Also, there's another side note about someone else? This can be a father figure, a boss/ceo figure? This could just be someone who embodies the King of Pentacles (he's the CEO type, has his shit together, is stable, more on the materialistic side of things, etc.). Whether this is you (could be!) or someone else you know/will know, I don't get bad vibes. I mean, I pulled the 4 of wands with that card, so I think it's kind of this stable energy whoever this is. However, there also is the Knight of Pentacles reversed, which can represent carelessness. The Full Moon in Gemini talks about being careful with one's words, like that whole "Less is more" idea when communicating. I think these two go together, and I think it just is someone who is a little too direct and blunt. I get work vibes tbh, so I think this could involve your workplace, so possibly a boss? Passing Notes talks about gossip/rumors, so I think this is like...A warning not to gossip or even to not believe everything you hear? I don't get any romance vibes but I think this could involve something that never took off? Oh, I was going to delete that, but I actually listened to what the song I was hearing was saying, Contagious by Boys Like Girls. This has sent me down a whole other path for another message lol

So, this might apply to some of you, but I think you may be involved with someone (or want to be?) who is the King of Pentacles, but they're kind of horrible at communication (or one of you is). I think they're more money-focused, and maybe they hear shit about you that has shaped their opinion about you (or vice-versa). But despite this, they like you. I think they don't quite know how to express themselves, and maybe you're feeling down about this because maybe you don't think they're into you? I still think this is work-related though. That, or this is someone who is just super focused on their work. But, I have 9 of cups and 6 of cups, so I think you're kind of what they're looking for and maybe they feel at home with you.

For some, you're being warned about this person. They can be manipulative/play the victim. For others, maybe they do that, but I think it's something being worked on. Either way, someone in this situation is having a lot of trouble expressing themselves. There is anxiety surrounding this situation. I get it on both sides. But I think for some there is some communication coming. Or at least an action that will communicate things. It seems like something practical if it is an action, but friendly. OMG what kind of relationship is this? Like what kind of a dynamic do you have? Because Drug by Simple Creatures came on after and it just feels like the song Contagious. Like this idea of being addicted to the way someone makes them feel? I think this is someone that can compartmentalize their feelings...but I think with you...it's harder? Okay, now I'm just getting nosey...I want to explore whatever the fuck THIS is further, so I'm going to pull some more cards.

SHHH Don't tell the other piles I got really fucking nosey and pulled more cards. :/ So, what I get about this King of Pentacles person is that they may already be pretty established in their life? I got Ten of Pentacles, which talks about that happy family, but like. More-so, the material aspect, like needs being met. This could just mean someone who's got their own place and a good position in their job. With the Knight and Page showing up, I think that if this is work-related, you're under them in terms of position? I get this message a lot actually, about a boss/employer relationship? So, I think this is an ongoing thing. Who is this for? Lemme know if this is you lol bc this comes up so much and like. I don't think it's me because I don't have a love life to speak about. Just crushes on unavailable men. Anyway, I think that whoever this is, they can't express their emotions. This could be because of someone else in the picture. There are a lot of court cards here, also, bottom of the deck for this is The Empress. So a mother, either there is or the mother of their kids if they have kids? Or someone who they see/saw as the mother of their future kids? Could be roles reversed, and that this is the father. Take whatever resonates doesn't have to be a woman and the king does not have to be a man. But, I think this burdens them. Like, they have a lot of responsibilities that rest on them, and they're unable to express what they want to express to you because they're "chained" to these feelings. You know, I almost get like...Less another relationship and more a social standard, or company issue because in both the Page of Hazards (pentacles) and the Empress, there are kids being chained to something (They ARE zombies but...interesting that two cards that have chains are pulled...). Even more interesting is that the kid in the page of hazards is chained to a mailbox with cobwebs, so I get communication issues with that. I think it's both hard to express their feelings because they're not someone who does so openly or easily. But also, they just cannot because of external circumstances. So, like If you came here because of some work/love situation...Then. There ya go...The feelings are there, but cannot be expressed. At least, not at this time. And maybe that's where that victim mentality comes in? Like, a "Why me?" or "Why can't it be easier?" Because I kind of relate to this pile, and I get how fucking annoying it is to hear "The feelings are there but can't be expressed". It hurts, I know.

But. Here I am to remind you that you got that Beauty card, right? I wasn't sure how it really factored into all of it, and was just going to use it as a reminder of your beauty, and I guess I am doing that now. But I'm also going to tell you something someone once told me: You deserve someone that will give you their time. By that, you deserve someone who feels for you and can openly express how they feel for you. I'm not saying this King of Pentacles person is a bad person, or that they're not for you, but it just seems like right now is not the time for this to work out. I don't see anything that says it won't work out, but on the other hand, I don't see anything that says it will. I think its just one of those things where you're going to have to be patient with. The song I ended your reading on is Space Travel by Yellowcard. It's about getting lost in someone and loosing who your are within this other person. Like, loosing your personality. I'm not sure where you are with this person, but I think this is reminding you to take care of yourself first. Whoever this person is, they have other things they need to take care of first, too. I also think they're putting themselves first. I don't want to say move on entirely, because that can be hard. It can seem impossible some days. I do want to say, however, that you need to make sure you're not waiting around on this person. There are so many other people in this world, and I find it impossible that you only find "it" (whatever "it" is that you found within this person) with this one person. Which, again, sounds like an impossible thing to say. Like that saying "there's other fish in the sea". I personally hate when people tell me that. But, one day you're going to have a memory of this situation and it's not going to ache as much. I can't guarantee there won't be a sting, but I can guarantee that with time, it feels better. Songs:

Slow Burn - Kacey Musgraves Contagious - Boys Like Girls Drug - Simple Creatures Space Travel - Yellowcard

Pile 3:

Cards: 4 of Pentacles, the Empress, the Emperor, Hanging at the Mall, Clouds, Gel Pens, Lamia, Andras, Pumpkin, Being Lost/Losing Something, Ideal Partnership, New Moon in Sagittarius, New Moon in Libra, King of Wands, 9 of Wands, Wheel of Fortune This pile seems related to the other two? I'm not sure why but all the piles had this weird "Spring cleaning" theme, about clearing what isn't working. But this pile seems to specifically be about love. So, I think if you're trying to move on from something/someone, this is a sign that things will be turning in your favor. Firstly, we pulled the emperor AND the empress. However, similar to how in Pile 2, where I felt the King of Pentacles in that pile was someone unable to express their emotions (its so odd that I got that, because I also got an emperor vibe but didn't pull it, but here it is in this pile?), I get that...this could be you? Because the New Moon in Libra suggests that someone is coming into your life that CAN express their emotions, but in one of the songs that came on, Headphones by WALK THE MOON, there's a line where he sings: "I wanna open my heart, but you won't open the door." Similarly, there's a part in Eyes are Red (Don't be Afraid) by Deep Sea Diver, where she sings "Don't be afraid". I kind of read into this song is about expressing one's feelings. But, we have the 4 of pentacles here, and it can be about hoarding. And in this sense, I'm getting...hoarding feelings? Like, keeping them in. But, they're there, at the tip of your tongue, they just can't get out. I think for some of you, this comes from past hurt. You closed your heart and you're afraid to express yourself, but I think you're being asked to allow yourself to heal while being open about your feelings. I think there is someone coming in (King of Wands), who is going to want to know about you and you're going to be a little worried to open up? But, these cards say it's okay to open up. You have two cards that indicate luck, and also you have a card indicating that you're protected (Pumpkin talks about being protected). I think this "Spring cleaning" is more about clearing out your emotions...letting them out? I think once you open up more, you're going to find that there are a lot of opportunities for you, you just need to be open to them. I think you're getting there, though, and with the Empress, I can see that you're healing from something. I always get that "nurturing" vibe from that card, but I definitely am reading this as you nurturing yourself, but maybe this involves you keeping things inside? Nevertheless, we got a pair, the Empress and the Emperor, so I could also read this as counterparts. I'm reading them as mostly you but I also can see this as you and someone else. One interesting thing is that I see the guy on the 9 of wands following the King of Wands. Not sure if that makes you feel of anything, but I read 9 of wands as persistence. This makes me think of the song Ends of the Earth by Lord Huron (which came on during this reading). The idea of following someone to the ends of the earth (let's hope they're not a flat earther...). I think this is someone really dedicated to you if you let them be. This song is also really beautiful and gives off this certain vibe that I can't really explain. It's like...One you need to experience? But I think this person could give off that vibe to be honest. I don't even know how to word this. Omg, there's a part in this song where he sings "I was a-ready to die for you baby, doesn't mean I was ready to stay." A SAGITTARIUS VIBE THAT WAS WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR! I've read that people with prominent Sagittarius placements need to have room. So, I wonder if this is someone (or even you) that needs to have that space? That's what that song feels like to me, though! I also kind of am thinking about that Ideal Partnership card and how it says that what your looking for is looking for you. There's a song that came on called First Grade by Max Leone, and he sings "I think about working out something with someone like you. I've looked

around, never found something or someone like you." I think that this is a person that definitely wants to pursue something and I think that this is telling you that you need to be open to it if you want something like this to happen. I think this song also highlights the need for action but being afraid to take action. I don't really see too many action-oriented things, but I see that being social is kind of something that needs to happen? I do get a Fool vibe from this, though. Like, taking a leap/risk? I don't know what kind of a risk, but I can see that you're being called to action in some way. In Pile 2, one of the messages was this need to not allow a victim mentality to take over. I could see that in here as well. I think it's like, whatever you went through in the past to make it hard for you to open up, happened. You have the right to feel that pain. But, then, you also have to move on at some point and heal? The Couds card talks about shifting and adapting. I don't have too many other cards about adaption, outside of maybe the 9 of wands being about persistence (and by this, I mean persisting change within?). I could take the 4 of pentacles, though, and say that this idea about not budging and "hoarding" your feelings definitely needs to be gone. I think this also is more than just about love. This can also be about making friends, in general. I think there's a sense of loneliness in this group that I didn't really feel for the last two groups. I almost wonder if this group is...the other end of group 2? Because there was someone else within that energy, and I could see you being that other person lol Whatever the case is, the big message of this group is to open up and not hold your emotions in. Songs: The Scientist - Coldplay (this has nothing to do with this reading, but I found out today that Chris Martin had to learn how to sing this song backward so that they could film the video in reverse so now it's extra weird watching it) No News is Good News - New Found Glory Ends of the Earth - Lord Huron First Grade - Max Leone

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Werewolf: The Apocalypse "Kinfolk: Unsung Heroes" Introduction & Ch.1

"I have normal human fears and frailties, despite my faith."

"I’m terrified I won’t be there when they need me, that I won’t be able to give fully of myself to save them when the time comes. And the price of my failure, for them, would be too high."

"It was like nothing else mattered, nothing else could fill my eyes like the sight of him."

"Now, of course, I realize I was in shock at the time clammy skin, disorientation, that sort of thing."

"That night misted over my senses; even now, it seems more like a vivid dream than anything else."

"I had to watch. I couldn’t turn away."

"That night, I saw I had to protect him. He needed me, and it’s just as simple as that."

"Let’s just say what I know has come in handy."

"The best folks give the most of whatever they can."

"Think about it — would you like to go through childbirth every nine months from age 14 to 50?"

"We’re human beings, dammit!"

"I’ll always do anything I can to help, even if I’m royally pissed; I don’t expect thanks or money, either. But it would be nice to get some respect."

"I'm not alone in saying that I hate being patronized."

"Give an inch, they’ll take a mile" is what some of them think about us."

"The rhetoric a lot of them use sounds like the same crap bigots give when trying to “justify” why women and minorities shouldn’t have equal rights."

"Just once, I’d like to feel like an equal, a partner in all this."

"Ever think about how hard things would be without us?"

"I see by your scowl that doesn’t satisfy you."

"Think of it as normal family responsibilities, magnified a thousand times."

"It’s practically medieval!"

"I mean, it looks like such fun to turn into a wolf."

"There are connections like you wouldn’t believe. Completely outside the law, these people can get dirt on the opposition, perform b&e without leaving a trace and provide muscle no other boss can beat. All they ask is some capital, some boltholes and a little legal cover. Sweetest deal in the world!"

"What do I think about it? Imagine what it’d be like for someone to call you and say you’d missed out on a million dollars because you got one wrong number on the lottery ticket."

"Some are too caught up in the things of humans —chasing after money to have what advertisers insist they can’t do without, living their soap-opera lives and not seeing what the world is really all about. I pity them."

"There is sweeter revenge than death."

"I laugh with joy thinking how your heart will burst should you ever have to face him in battle."

"It’s a great honor to be who I am, who we are. But it’s scary, too."

"Families can quarrel, snarl and cut one another to the quick, but in times of trouble, they’ll stick together."

"God, Allah, Gaia, the Great Spirit or whoever gave us this job, so we have to do the best we can with it."

"Blood also fetters our lives in hatred as well as love, I’m afraid to say."

"I’m not saying this is a fact, but if she was abused, it might explain some things."

"I’m sorry, I can’t quite imagine a moment of sensual passion with someone I don’t love, much less hardly know!"

"In other words, it’s the connections that’re vital, not the money or the mileage."

"Many have wealth, but not all; lineage, not money, is most important."

"That’s a heavy price to pay in a harsh world."

"Self-sacrifice is also important."

"Sacrifice comes in terms of emotional costs, too."

"It’d be pretty stupid for me to become a gun-toting mercenary, for example."

"To put a positive spin on all this, I guess I’d say it’s nice to be needed."

"I admit I don’t really understand what it is or when it’ll be, but many’s the Irish tale where a small oversight wreaked terrible disaster."

"So I got online and made a few phone calls and tried to get the “truth” in as many forms as I could."

"The word “family” has come to mean a lot more things than the 1950s concept of mommy, daddy and two perfect children."

"Raising children is no bed of roses, either."

"Kids love to test their parents and see just how far they can push and still get away with it."

"There’s no way this could be easy."

"Some days, I have to bite my tongue, and that does get old."

"I was just too stupid and blind to see it."

"I always felt like I was split, alone, part of something I couldn’t name."

"Listen, you have no idea what it’s like to watch someone you love slowly lose her mind."

"There are some, well, bimbos."

"You know, the ones that like to control CEOs and topple careers."

"Here, try a piece of this chicken gizzard. I get ’em real cheap down at the butcher shop. No one else seems to want these extra parts. I grill ’em with a little barbecue sauce and honey mustard. Delicious! Thanksgiving’s always the best time, though. Then there’s turkey necks for the takin’!"

"Our families are pretty big, and we figure even the most distant cousin or friend of a friend’s part of the group."

"I’m sure you know, working with people all the time, how far thanks and a friendly smile go when you’re dead on your feet. It’s like the sun’s come out on a cloudy day."

"I mean, some of that stuff is long outdated!"

"It’s more a matter of belief and pureness of spirit, if you ask me."

"The Network also has a lot of splinter groups that organize among youth, educators, environmentalists and so on."

"The Network also has a lot of splinter groups that organize among youth, educators, environmentalists and so on."

"We’re steadfast and steady, yet vibrant and alive, warriors, artists, writers, musicians beyond compare."

"I don’t know if we can save them, but we won’t give up."

"To be tested and accepted by the greatest warriors in the world — no greater honor can we ask for."

"Think of us as the tiny little parts that hold a machine together. Maybe it could function without us, but not without a lot of wear and tear on the system. You get my drift."

"If leader seems weak, I test him. He shows strength, I stop."

"They’re the ones who are causing all the problems by rebelling against the people in charge. They need to settle down and just be content with what they’ve got, if you want my opinion."

"Why should I worry? It’s a clear day. Traffic’s light, but walking’s fine. You get to see where you’re going. I’ll hit a little town ’fore dark and trade a song or story for some food and a piece of floor."

"Revolutions are intolerable and inexcusable."

"The aristocracy attained their positions for a reason, for only the most worthy were chosen to lead, after all. If the

lower classes overthrow the aristocrats, anarchy is the sure result. One need only look at history; Can the Russians truly say their lot improved after they murdered the Romanovs?"

"History has always been a beloved subject to me."

"I pity those souls, displaced by fortune, who are ignorant of their heritage. How can one know who he is without knowing where he comes from? A man — or woman — is the sum of all who came before."

"Money is not the issue; many great families lost their fortunes, yet retain their nobility."

"It’s a poor teacher who doesn’t learn from her student; in this way, the knowledge of both increases."

"Dreams, of course, are the pathways of our souls; here rest our secret desires, fears and hopes."

"You doubt me. You don’t speak against me, but I can see your heart is dubious."

"There’s no greater glory than to serve the destiny of the universe."

"The lacerations looked exactly like the work of sharp teeth, deep into his flesh."

"I won’t go s’far as to say there’s undying loyalty, but we do have a lot of respect for each other."

"Were I as capable as my ancestors, I’d kill you now and never spare a second thought."

"No atonement can replace those lost children."

"Thus far, we have been lucky, but it’s just a matter of time before someone we don’t want sneaks in. It’s not that I want to close ranks by any means; I just wish we paid a little closer attention to who came in from the cold."

"Yeah, yeah, I know you think we’re a dime a dozen. I’d like to believe we’re a little more special than most."

"We’ve built too much for a rotten apple to spoil it all."

"I don’t believe this guy; it seems almost too perfect to be true!"

[hawkeyedflame]

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but you recently mentioned that a change to the way you take care after your hair made it act and look better. Your posts really made me think that I might be doing something wrong with my hair bc they get oily in like a day and I'm not sure if that's healthy. Did you experiment only by yourself or were there some resources (online or offline) that helped you? Thanks in advance.

hi! you're not bothering me at all. sorry for the delay in my response, i was at work and didn't want to type it out on mobile. under the cut!

it was my mother who did all the reading about it initially, about ten years ago, to be honest. but the long and short of it is that your scalp (like the rest of your skin) secretes oil and is home to a variety of microbes, both of which help protect you from pathogenic threats and keep your skin/hair healthy. shampoo essentially strips the oil from your hair, which signals to the skin on your scalp that it needs to secrete more. This leads to overproduction of oil for most people, which then leads to having greasy hair if you don't wash it often, essentially creating a cycle. also, many shampoos have chemical additives in them which are just straight out damaging or deadly to the microbes that live on your scalp/in your hair. those little critters are important! some of them actually eat excess oils! (this is true for the rest of your skin too, not just your scalp)

what i do is use a cowash, or a cleansing conditioner. i currently use Wen, but i'm honestly interested in finding an alternative that has even less junk in it (taking suggestions!). basically, i stopped using shampoo and conditioner cold turkey, and started using the cleansing conditioner instead. my hair was very damaged, so at first i had to use it every day and leave a small amount in after every wash, but once my hair began to recover i was able to reduce the frequency of washing. when my hair is cut pixie short, i only wash it once a week. when it's long (as it is now), i usually clean it every three or so days.

fwiw, my brother doesn't use anything at all in his hair. he washes it with water only. if i recall correctly, it took about six weeks for his hair to balance itself out after years of using shampoo. during those six weeks his hair was kinda greasy and gross, but after it reestablished its own natural balance, it is no longer greasy and it also never smells bad. he's been water-only washing for at least five years now. i'm personally unwilling to go through a month and a half or more of having a greasy head, so that isn't the right option for me, but that is also a thing you can successfully do if you're willing to go the whole nine yards.

i hope this helps :)

[raisingsupergirl]

I'm Back! Returning to the "Real World" After Six Weeks Unplugged and Undrugged

If I'm being honest, I don't really want to write this post. I don't want to go back to the way things were. It feels like returning from vacation on a Sunday evening and setting my work alarm for Monday morning. I know my next vacation won't come for a while. I know I'm "back in it" now. And the sensation is completely opposite of what I'd expected from all of the "restrictions" I put on myself six weeks ago. But I'm sure you're just dying to know how I did, so here goes.

I failed. A lot. Just like I said I would. And the number one thing I failed at was reading to my kids. I tried it. Once. I started Harry Potter, but it felt like pulling teeth. I didn't enjoy it. The kids didn't enjoy it (even though I poured all of my energy into the BEST character voices). But even if I didn't read to my children, at least I didn't fail completely at reading. In fact, I stayed pretty true to my goal of replacing my weeknight TV with reading (with a subtle exception… but I'll get to that later), and it was honestly one of the biggest successes of all. Just an hour or two of quiet entertainment and contemplation in the evenings (whether with a Bible devotional or a bloody space adventure) did wonders for my mood and sleep habits. And speaking of sleep habits…

I failed at that, too. Again, not completely, but I definitely didn't live up to the whole bargain. I don't care how comfortable I got with going to bed at 9:45 pm and waking up at 5:45 am, when I would get home from work at 9:15 at night, there was no way I was going to have time to eat, shower, and wind down enough to be asleep within thirty minutes. And so, I bent the rules a little. But never more than an hour. And that's where I found my rhythm. I would never go to bed or wake up more than an hour different than I did the day before. That compromise allowed me to adjust slowly to different schedules without suffering too much.

Interestingly enough, the things I succeeded at completely are the things that sound like the biggest commitments. I worked out every day without fail, I didn't get on social media or YouTube, and I cut out all drugs (aka alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, night time snacking, and weekday fast food) cold turkey, right down to my morning pre-workout drink, which has a little caffeine in it. I'm not sure exactly why these things were easier to stick to. I'm sure a part of it has to do with my particular personality, but I suspect the bigger part is the nature of these things. They're easier to define. Easier to grasp and control. So what's the big deal about sleeping in a few extra minutes on the weekends (half-asleep rationale is always a little bit skewed…)? Why should I fight to read to my kids if they don't even enjoy it? But exercise and diet are very external. They're obvious to myself and to others when I screw them up. There's more accountability, so they're not as easy to make excuses for. The hardest promises to keep are the ones nobody knows about.

And… there's a third factor, and I hinted at it earlier. Remember when I said I didn't TECHINCALLY stick to the "no TV during the week" goal? Well, I didn't "watch" TV during the week, per se. But that's because I was playing a video game. A video game called "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild." And, well, I was completely unprepared for it. First, Zelda is my jam. Always has been since I was a wee lad. Like most functioning adults, I fell away from video games after high school because I was trying to make all the monies and didn't have time to spend six hours at a time in front of a screen. But when Santa brought us a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, I knew there was a game I "had" to try. And, well, BotW didn't disappoint. Those who have played Skyrim or other open-world games would have known what they were in for, but I didn't. 

The moment I popped open that glider and drifted off of the Great Plateau, the real world faded away. This game had no limits. No boundaries. It's impossible to describe my awe at that slow and continuing realization as I delved into underground temples, climbed distant peaks, and trudged through vast deserts, so I won't try. Those who think video games are "a waste of time" will never get it, and those who embrace the value of story telling already know what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say that I "did the Zelda things." Not all the things, mind you. I didn't find all the koroks, beat all the shrines, or kill all the lynels, but I DID awaken the Divine Beasts, sneak into the castle dungeon to claim the Hylian shield, tame the royal mare, ride all the animals, build Tarry Town from the ground up, and head butt a guardian to death with the Lord of the Mountain. I trudged through every region and stared out at the realm from the highest spire of Hyrule castle. In the end, I defeated Calamity Ganon and brought peace to the land. And in that triumphant moment, I finally realized the truth about the game…

It was just another drug. You see, I never did have a real urge to sit down to a whiskey and a pile of snacks on a Saturday night, even though that had become an engrained habit over the past year. Why? Because I had an entire world to explore and save! And I needed to stay hydrated and healthy to beat the biggest baddies in Hyrule. The game completely overshadowed other primal urges. Any time I was feeling lazy or weak—times when I would look for a quick, mindless reward—I would pick up the Switch controller. And sometimes, that would be during the week. In fact, all told, I played 110 hours over six weeks. That's around two-and-a-half hours a day, EVERY day! So the amount of time I would have generally wasted with social media, TV, or "drugs," I instead committed to Zelda.

In the end, I'm not sure what to think about the whole six-week experience. I do know that I grew closer to God. My thoughts cleared significantly. I experienced deeper and wider peace, seeing previously scary and stressful situations with new clarity and confidence. I loved my family more completely, and I committed harder to my duties (work, family, etc). But I had low moments, too. Not enough to hit rock bottom or consider giving up, but because I knew what it felt like to ride that "high" with my savior and creator, to be present in the moment with a sense of purpose and appreciation, every moment of minor disconnection or apathy hit me harder than it normally would have. So I guess everything is relative. Once we know just how good we can feel, our expectations rise. On the other hand, my perspective has changed regarding rewards and fulfillment. A moment of earned relaxation or celebration doesn't need to include a glass of wine. I don't "need" to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. And most importantly, my joy comes from God, not from the things I do, but there ARE some things that keep me away from God's joy. Mostly things that become habit—things I fall back on when I want to "check out."

And I guess that's the whole point. When we're present and intentional, life's good. We're happy with our choices and usually with the results. But when we're exhausted, when we've given all we can and think we've earned some reward (or at least a break)… well, that's when we make mistakes. And that's when we should just go to bed. Sure, maybe a little reading to calm us down and get our minds right first, but we're never at our worst than when we're mentally tapped out. And so, I plan to be more aware of this fact through the rest of the year. I'm going to continue to cut out electronics during the week. I'm going to avoid the Facebook scroll (which doesn't appeal to me even a little bit anymore). I'm going to enjoy sunrises and cuddles. And, most importantly, I'm going to create the time and space for quiet thought and divine whispers.

That's my secret to happiness. Do less (especially less "check out" activities like Twitter and television) and think more. Talk less and listen more. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no." In other words, live a life that speaks for itself and don't feel the need to justify your thoughts and actions to everyone. Live lightly, love deeply, and let the rest wash away with the tide. That's all I've got, friends. And you know what? This post was actually a joy to write. I'm excited to be back, to see my friends again, to share what I've learned with you, and to learn FROM you. And most importantly, I’m excited to enjoy all the beauty that the real world has to offer...

[delirious-comfort]

I got off work a bit late, so I just had dinner. A turkey sandwich, because I couldn't be bothered with cooking or waiting on a delivery.

Shit outta luck, though staking out lesbians sounds more interesting. I was trying to sensor myself. :]

I wish. Alas, I have no one but myself to blame for the transition from fun to boring and miserable. The pay is better, but with each passing day, I am seeing it is not worth it.

Ah yes. I have acquired a nice collection of paper cuts, made all the more pesky each time I use hand sanitizer. I'm just not that kind of masochist. The temptation to throw all the stacks of paper has been alarmingly frequent, though.

That is tragic. Poor food indeed. At least you still have the other half?

I will probably use one of your ideas for sure. You're helpful; I appreciate that. No to tuna, though. I will only bring ketchup into the mix if the fries absolutely suck. If the fries are good, there's no need for it.

Ooh, English teacher. That was my one of my best subjects, back in the day. I'm sorry depression got a hold on you. I can't say I know exactly what toll it's taken on you or anyone else despite dealing with my own, but I know a little of the havoc it can wreak on your mind. Middle schoolers would drive anyone mad. You were brave to go for that age group. A book! And I don't own it! What is it? (I'm sorry I live under a rock and tend to miss a lot)

30 minutes? I feel like I'm monopolizing your time now. And wow, you're a bigger night owl than me.

Sucking on lettuce doesn't sound like a good time.

I like games, I just haven't really played any in ages. What are your favorites?

Turkey sandwich sounds yum. Hope it was good.  Ah. See. I never would have thought it means shit outta luck. The most obvious option and I didn’t think of it :( But yes, staking out lesbians is always fun. Not that I ever do it. But I should. Once in a while. For scientific reasons. I think. I say if it’s not worth it, should definitely throw the paper pile. Even if it’s right before the weekend. And you have to clean it up yourself. It’ll feel totally glorious for about ten seconds. If you’re lucky and it’s a lot of paperwork, you might feel that euphoria for a whole thirty seconds. And vindication! Maybe throw in a Xena yell. And then go home quickly so you don’t have to deal with it until you return after the weekend.  Oh, you don’t like seafood. I forgot. Oop. I shall try and remember! Probably for the best, chicken is the supreme protein anyway. I really love chicken. In case you still couldn’t tell.  Hm. The book is Shadow Haven, but in book form. It got published by Ylva couple of years ago. I don’t actually know from which fandom you’ve been fangirling :P if it’s SQ you’ll probably know Shadow Haven, if it’s not, then you won’t. Or you hate SH, which is also valid enough. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and it shouldn’t be! And no, not monopolizing my time. It was cold and I was burrito’d in bed and that made it really awkward to type on my phone. Besides, I like this whole thing. It’s a fun part of my day.  Hm, games. Let’s see. If it’s like board/family games, I really like monopoly. Although, lately I’m liking it a little less because I play it with my niece a lot and she gets so offended when she doesn’t win. And she does this pouty thing when you have to trade with her and it makes me give her shit for free. I think she’s playing me, though. Little shit. I love her, though. She’s learned from the best :P PC games I really like story rich games. Or brain popcorn games. I played House Flipper for a while, because it required zero brain power and just required my w+e keys and my finger to click my house over and over again. It was nice. But now I’m sorta over it. So now I’m playing Destiny 2, because I like the pewpew sound it makes. I don’t really know what the story is, or what I’m supposed to be doing. But it’s fun and keeps me entertained.  Other than that, these are the games currently installed on my PC:  Raft - Spellbreak - Destiny 2 - House Flipper - Genshin Impact - Stardew Valley - My Time at Porta - Minecraft - The Elder Scrolls Online - Assassin’s Creed Odyssey - Fortnite - Overwatch - Grand Theft Auto V - Defiance 90% of them I don’t play or I play them very sporadically xD And the common thread in the games above is most have fishing, and for some dumb reason I really like to fish in games? It’s so chill to do.  I can’t think of a question to ask back. Uh. How’s your day going? Do you have weekend or does the life of a IT / paper goddess never end?  Meep meep.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

[fat-acceptance-dropout]

Do you have any advice for getting off my ass and actually making progress towards losing weight? I'm morbidly obese and I hate living like this, I binge eat all the time and I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to be stuck like this and I've done irreparably damage to my body/organs that will kill me. But I'm so terrified that I won't be able to lose the weight, I'll be hungry all the time, the weight I lose will all come back, I'll have tons of loose skin and look even worse, etc...

Hey anon!

Thanks for dropping by. 

There’s really no one solution fits all for this kind of situation, but the first thing you need to keep in mind, the absolute most important, is that you’re not alone. 

We’ve all been there. 

It’s very easy to fall into that kind of thinking, you know? Whether you’re comfortable where you are right now or not, it’s your normal, it’s what you’re used to, and the prospect of giving up everything you’re used to can be pretty darn scary.

I get it.

The thing is, what works for me may not motivate you, and what motivates you may not motivate me, and on and on. 

Weight loss is a very personal thing. After all, what leads us to eat to the point of obesity is personal too, and the fears we faced when we think about losing weight are also rooted in personal things, yanno? 

So, what to do? 

Well, the first thing you have to do is to have a chat with yourself. Sit down and think, openly and honestly, with no judgemment, about why you eat the way you do, why you feel like losing weight and what’s stopping you from losing weight.

For the last one, focus on the things you are doing that are keeping you from doing it. Not what you’ve heard from other people. 

See, if I were to do this, I’d say something like: 

Why do I eat the way I do? 

 - Because I grew up overeating. 

 - Because I eat way too fast and don’t feel sated immediately after eating. 

 - Because since it takes a while for the weight gain to show, it’s easy for me to pretend the food I’m eating won’t have any impact in the long run. 

Why do I feel like losing weight? 

- Because I know I can do it. 

- Because I really don’t like my flabby arms. 

- Because I want my hard-earned muscle to be visible. 

- Because I want to arrive to my 30′s in good health.

What’s stopping me from losing weight? 

- Though I’m still chubby, I’m at the thinnest I’ve been, so it’s hard for me to convince myself to lose more weight, even though I want to. 

- I don’t want to put the work needed to lose weight at the moment. I just don’t wanna. 

- I’m worried people will hit on me more.

So, those are my reasons. Those are the reasons why, though I’ve lost weight, I still haven’t hit my goal weight.

I’m too comfortable in my current situation, even though my current situation isn’t ideal. 

What are your reasons? 

Sit down, write them down, be as honest with yourself as possible, and keep those things in mind, because those things will keep popping up over and over again. 

We all hit those walls at the beginning, during the middle, around the end, while maintaining, etc

There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s normal. We’ve all been there. 

So. 

Now that you know your motivation, weaknesses, etc, you can proceed.

Keeping in mind that you’re about to embark in a tremendous journey of self-discovery, and your fears, motivations, and whatnot will change with time, ask yourself the next question. 

What can I easily change right now?

Believe it or not, weight loss really boils down to moving more and eating less.

It does. 

There are a million and one things that makes us find it hard to eating less and moving more for long enough to lose weight, but the formula does boil down to that. 

So.

Right now. 

Right this moment, as you’re reading this. 

Choose one thing that you can change starting this instant. 

Maybe you can walk a little more

Maybe you can swap a food item for one with less calories. (Soda for flavored water.)

Maybe you can start working out in your living room twice a week. 

Maybe you can skip dessert four times a week. 

Maybe you can walk the dog a little longer. 

I dunno, those are random ideas. Come up with one you can start doing right away and do it. 

No need to go cold-turkey, no need to immediately cut calories, no need to join an insanity program, no need to transform into a gym bunny overnight. (Unless you feel like doing it.)

Just choose something you can start doing right away, and do it. 

Starting every day, make yourself the promise that you’re going to stick to that one thing for the day and do it. 

Do it until it becomes a habit. 

Do it until you no longer have to think about it.

Do it until it becomes so natural you don’t have to think about it anymore. 

And once that happens? 

Choose another thing you can change, and change that one as well.

Maybe this time you’ll focus on reading about people who have lost weight loss permanently. 

Maybe this time you’ll focus on counting calories, or meal planning. 

Maybe this time you’ll focus on training for your first 5k.

Dunno, it’s up to you.

But the same principle applies. 

Choose a new thing you want to change and focus on changing it. 

I guarantee you that you’ll see changes, and that you’ll start losing weight in a way that works for you. 

It won’t be fast, and it won’t be easy since you’re fighting against years and years of deeply ingrained habits, but you’ll be able to do it because you’ll be focused on this one small thing. 

And when you focus on that one small thing, you don’t feel overwhelmed by everything else, you don’t feel like the goal is too far, you don’t feel like you’re demanding too much of yourself, you don’t feel like every little failure will set you back. 

Again, if you want, you can go cold-turkey.

If you want, you can hire a nutritionist, a personal trainer and work your ass off to watch the weight melt off. 

That’s a possibility.

You can do it.

But if it doesn’t appeal to you, there’s no problem.

Start small, start with something you can change right now and focus on changing that one thing until you do it, and then work on changing something else.

What that little thing will be is entirely up to you, but stick to it long enough, be honest with yourself throughout the process and little by little you’ll get there. 

Patience, consistency, and honesty. 

Those are the only three things that will get you where you want to go.  

As long as you stick to those three from now on, you’ll manage. 

It might not be fast, or glamorous, or easy, but you’ll make it. 

We’ve all been there, we’ve all seen the changes, we’ve all seen it work. 

Now’s your turn to see it for yourself.