#riche shut uuuup

[jamesfrain]

Kate Phillips as Jane Seymour Wolf Hall: The Mirror and The Light | Episode three 'Defiance'

[mahixa]

Formula 1 is full of stories that even the most cheesy and sappy Hollywood writers would never be able come up with. Brocedes? Lestappen? Carlando?

Oh hi, I'm just a rich son of a famous Formula 1 champion, I want to be your friend, poor English boy, I don’t care about your background. Wanna stay at my place? Wanna grow up together? Wanna end up in the same team? Be best friends forever? Fall in love with each other? Wanna crash our cars together and let the rivalry destroy our bond? Wanna publicly say we are not friends any more? Wanna unfollow me everywhere on social media and avoid me forever? Even when after a few years I keep saying over and over and over again how amazing and brilliant you are? Appreciate you on live national television? HUH?! Did you hear that we were everything but lovers? Hah, little do they know. Wanna say that Valtteri is the best teammate you have ever had and cause me to cry in Italy to a bunch of strangers? LEWIS ANSWER ME. TEXT. ME. BACK. WE STILL LIVE IN MONACO AND I SEE YOU BUYING MUFFINS. LEWIS. LEWIS. LEWIS.

and:

Oh yes I'm just a very grumpy and extremely talented boy who will not allow some Monegasque pretty bitch drive faster than me. I called him a pretty bitch because English is not my first language and I'm only 12 and of course I wanted to say he is pretty much a bitch. He is totally not pretty. I would never call him that. Pfff. He is also pretty and annoying. Damn it I wanted to say pretty annoying. Anyway. Thankfully he is too stupid to end up in F1 with me. Wait what? He's here? WHAT. I AM CALM. I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY AM- what do you mean he's the one who just crashed into my car. Again. What- God. And he is so cute and flustered when he gets asked about me and I really want to talk with him more than I probably should so hold on a second, hold on a moment, let me, a winner of the 5th grade school geography map contest, ask this dummy about the difference between these two flags. He was wrong with the answer. I don’t care. He looked nice while being wrong. I just like the way he moves his lips. And his bright eyes are okay I guess. He smiles when someone mentiones me and then he crashes into me again. It does things to me. It’s hard and IT’S HARD you know. It makes me angry. You know what? Fuck him. Well, I might as well do that if he doesn’t stop being so pretty and chaotic. I MEAN PRETTY CHAOTIC. SHUT UP. SHUT UUUUP. SHUT UPPPPPP I FEEL NOTHING.

followed by:

Oh well, I’m a Spanish guy with everything neatly organised and I am focused on being taken seriously and I don’t really represent this stereotypical Spanish loud vibes, I’m a calm guy who- wait a minute isn’t that some cute gremlin? He is younger than me and uses words like “noob” and doesn’t explain the meaning to me and just chuckles and he plays video games which are not FIFA and I don’t know how to win at such things but catch me at 1 am trying to learn how to play that stupid COD or whatever that’s called, and since when I want to impress some young twinks? Well, one twink, to be honest. Oh no, he makes me laugh in public like a maniac and I can’t control myself he always laughs at my crappy jokes and is that a blush on his cheeks? Am I blushing too? He makes me feel so comfortable in my own skin? He doesn’t judge me but we have that cute banter going on? He likes when I teach him things? Golf! Chess! Kissing- I MEAN. He says he doesn’t like being touched but here we are, he’s leaning against my shoulder and allows me to touch his tigh and GOD look at his face all glowing everytime we talk, I might end up marrying him, well watch me proposing right now.

[rebel-ezra]

back with another star wars review!

here’s the last jedi:

I’m so excited lets gooo

this is a long one im sorry 

“obliterate their fleet” LETS NOT

show me poe pls *poe appears on screen* thank you

��happy beeps”

“hi I’m holding for general hux”

I LOVEEEE POE

“I have a feeling this is not going to end well for the republic. NEVERMIND NEVERMIND”

“excellent” *dies inside*

why is finn in that weird thing is he okay

did something happen to him that I can’t remember

“show me luke show me luke”

“YEAAAAAAA LUUUUUKEE!!”

WHY’D HE TOSS THAT LIGHTSABER 

why is luke acting like an angry toddler lol

“go away” *blasts the door*

CHEWIEEE!!

“where’s han?” TOO SOON BUDDY WAY TOO SOOOON

lmao luke walking away and rey just following him like “nope can’t get rid of me that easily”

“oh wow mysterious tree with mysterious voices what’s up with that”

THE ORIGINAL JEDI TEXTS??

“alright that is pretty much nowhere” JSLDKFJSDLJ

“I came to this island to die. it’s time for the jedi to end” SIR WHAT

is ANYONE going to give leia a HUG??? baby deserves it

“permission to jump in an x wing and blow something up” I am literally SO in love with this man

POEEEEEEEE honey are you alright

LEIA NO 

WAIT WAIT WAIT NO 

DID SHE JUST DIE

OOOHHHHH AKSDJFLAFJ LEIA

HER FINGERS MOVE??? HOW???? HER EYES OPENED?????? OOOHHH SHITT

“LUKE MF SKYWALKER YOU LET REY SLEEP OUTSIDE IN THE COLD??? THATS RUDE SIR!!”

is that luke sneaking around 

istg if you’re leaving and not taking rey and chewie with you

“ARTOOOOOO”

me, upon hearing obi-was name: YEA MY MAN

hi rose I adore you

no one: poe: I want to blow stuff up

maz <3

I wanna know who the master codebreaker is

rey’s first jedi lesson lets go

HAHAH OMG I LOVE REY AND LUKE

“it’s a terrible place filled with the most terrible people in the galaxy” so eat the rich huh

omg I want to meet the master codebreaker

“space vegas??”

DONT THROW BB8 U BITCHES

rey with lightsaber rey with lightsaber

who is this prisoner and why does he remind me of captain hook

FATHIERS ARE SO PRETTY I WANT TO PET THEM

luke you better RECONNECT WITH THE FORCE

oh my god he’s doing it he’s doing it 

omg Luke was going to fucking kill kylo??????

still dont know why the force connects kylo and rey tho

DONT GO DOWN THERE REY THATS STUPID

now we’re in some sort of mirror universe??

REY JUST HIT LUKE ON HIS HEAD HAHA

“YODA????”

YODA WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOO

“missed you, have I” excuse me while I CRY MY EYES OUT

god I love yoda just walking around hitting luke on the head

yoda and luke… so nice… so wholesome…

“let’s not have a scene” “no let’s” I would die for one (1) man and it is mr poe dameron

REY’S HAIR ALKSDJFLSJ PRETTY 

TELL HER WHO HER PARENTS ARE

“yeah we spoke” I am obsessed

NO NO NO THEY WERE ALMOST THERE

“I bet you that’s leia- OHHHH SHE SHOT POEEEE SHE SHOT MR POE DAMERON THE LOML”

I dont like purple haired lady

OOOHHH SNOKE CONNECTED KYLO AND REY

SPACE CAPTAIN HOOK IS A TRAITOR

NOOOO GOD NOOOOOO

hoe don’t do it istg if you kill rey I will RIOOOOTT

YEA TELL THE TRUTH

SAY IT REY

I thought…. her name was rey skywalker

THE LIGHTSABER BROKE

PURPLE HAIRED LADY DESTROYED THEIR FLEET

finn where’s bb8 finn where. is. bb8.

do NOT leave without bb8

BB8!!! LETS GET IT BUDDY

HE SAID LETS GO CHROME DOME LKJLKDSJFLSJF

OHHH BITCH REY DIDNT MURDER SNOKE YOU DID HOE!!!

POE AND BB8 AJSLDKFJ

fucking imperial walkers?? am I seeing this correctly

“THE ONLY WAY IN OR OUT? oh mf we are DOOMED”

those ships are barely holding together babes

YEAAAA THE FALCON

I HEARD THE BLOW THAT PIECE OF JUNK OUT OF THE SKY

finn why didn’t you retreat you’re gonna get yourself killed

ROSE!! ROSE ARE YOU OKAY

AJDLSF ROSE KISSED FINN NOOOO ROSE DIED NOO NONONO

“the spark is out” :(

LUUUUUUKE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE SPARK IS HERE

LUKE AND LEIA LUKE AND LEIAAAAAA HE KISSED HER FOREHEAD WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO ME SHUT UUUUP

he got the fresh outfit n all

“OH ??!!!! MF LUKE BABEYYYY NO”

OHHHHH HE FUCKING LIIIIIIIVED JALKDJFLSFJ

“what are you looking at me for? follow him” YES I WILL MA’AM THANK YOU

REY AND FINN HUG REY AND FINN HUG

MF LUKE DIDNT DIE WHAT THE FUUUUCK THAT SABER WENT THROUGH HIM

IS HE A FORCE GHOST

IS HE A HOLO

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD YES LUKE

WAIT LUKE ARE YOU OKAY WHY’D YOU FALL DOWN LIKE THAT oh he’s alive its okay he’s alive

JALDJFLASDJF NEVERMIIIIND NEVER FUCKING MIIIIIIIIND

well that was an emotional rollercoaster wow wow wow

IN LOVING MEMORY OF OUR PRINCESS CARRIE FISHER!!!

[greenornaments]

UNTIL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY A LITTLE- CH 13

I knoooow this chapter is hella late, I’m sorry 😭 Anyway, this is the second to last chapter, the next one will be an epilogue that officially finishes this story. And I’m sad af to see it end, so I’ll be writing a hell of a lot of one-shots afterwards to distract myself. Anyway, please enjoy, and let me know your thoughts! ^_^ (Oh yeah and this chapter contains a sexy sex scene, just so you’re warned).

READ ENTIRE WORK///READ LATEST UPDATE

Title: Until The Clouds Roll By a Little

Rating: M

Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier met one fateful summer day as children and kept in touch, documenting their coming of age via letters and phone calls. Now they’re all grown up and reunited, but what happens when that initial friendship tries to bloom into more? And what will it take for them to let it?

“Rich…. I just don’t understand how you can’t see all the things about yourself that make me love you.”

“Like?”

“Where do I start, asshole? You’re kind, you’re funny as hell, you’re generous and warm and so smart. You’re so soft with Devon. You’re fucking HOT, especially when you do that little nose crinkle thing when you laugh. And like, have you SEEN your shoulders? Come on, now. And you know what I love the most about you?”

“There’s more?”

“Bitch, I could go on all night. I’m just giving you the highlights.”

“Ok, ok. What was that last reason?”

“I love you because you’ve always loved me for ME, for who I am, not for who you wished I was. I’ve had so little of that in my life. And I love you for who YOU are. That’s how I know we’re gonna make it. Our love doesn’t come with false expectations or strings.”

“That…. that’s the sappiest fucking thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth, Eds. I’m touched.”

“Shut uuuup.”

[foxesonstilts]

[Transcript under the cut]

BW: “Hmm. Hey Al, it’s getting kinda late, don’t you think you should start cooking the tur…key. You uh, you good man? What’s, uh, what’s up? AP: “I fucked uuuup. I fucked uuuup” BW: “What’d you do?” AP: “I, uh, I fucked up.” BW: “Yeah we’ve established that, what’d you do though?” AP: “I was in the uh kitchen I was getting dinner ready for Thanksgiving. Got the turkey, got the spices, got it all-“ BW: “Okay..” AP: Got it all prepared, got all stuffed up and then put, put, put it in the oven, right? BW: “Wait I just saw the turkey-" AP: "And then I looked in the fridge and saw the, uh, the turkey that we, we bought-" BW: "I thought you just said that you put it in the oven……No! No, there’s no possible way that you could’ve-“ AP: “I fucked up!” BW: “Alfred did you fucking cook Damian’s pet turkey Jerry?” AP: “I fucked up!” BW: “Oh my god!” AP: “Yeah.” BW: “How?!” AP: “I don’t know!” BW: “How?!” AP: “I don’t know!” BW: “I have enough money to buy every turkey farm that has ever existed in all of time, when is the last time I made you fucking slaughter aN ANIMAL?!” AP: “I don’t know, you’re rich, I thought you were just being weird! I didn’t remember that we had already bought a turkey!” BW: “What, next time we have a Burger Night I’m going to have to worry about you going into the batcave and turning Bat Cow into ground beef?!” AP: “To be perfectly honest after today I wouldn’t rule that out as a possibility." BW: “ajdsfhadsjhfhjswe can salvage this. Jason, get in here!” JT: “What’s up? Hey Al, it’s getting kinda late don’t you think you should start preparing the turkey?” AP: “I already did.” JT: “What are you talking about, I just saw it on the counter-… Oh. Oh! OH! HA!” BW: “Shut up, we don’t have time for you to laugh. Okay, here, take my wallet and go put on a hoodie or something. By any means necessary, get an identical-looking turkey to the one that Damian had." JT: “Why the fuck do I have to go? I fucking hate that kid!” BW: “We do not have fucking time for this, okay. One, it’s cuz technically you’re dead therefore paparazzi aren’t going to be a problem because technically you don’t fucking exist anymore. And two, it’s because honestly you are more likely to steal it and we really need the speed right now.” JT: “Okay that’s a fair point. A little hurtful, but a fair point. I’m gonna go.” DW: “Hey, why is everyone in this room right now?” [blank looks] DW: “You killed fake Jerry didn’t you.” AP: “Damian I’m so sorry, it was a total accident.” BW: “Listen Alfred didn’t mean to do it, it was a total mistake- Wait did you say fake Jerry?” DW: “Yeah, Fake. Jerry.” BW: “Explain. NOW.” DW: “It’s around Thanksgiving time and this family is filled with both the smartest and the dumbest fucking people on the planet, no offense Todd” JT: “Yeah, honestly, some taken.” DW: “So whenever there’s a holiday associated with the murder of one of my pets’ species I always assume one of you is going to be dumb enough to slip up and end up killing one of them. Again no offense, Todd.” JT: “Yeah, still, still some taken.” DW: “So around holiday time I take them and I put them in an undisclosed, safe location and then I go down to the local supermarket to buy a replacement and let it scurry around the cave, freely.” DW: “Yeah, it hasn’t been super useful over the last couple of years, basically a moneypit, but obviously I know what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving!” AP: “So I didn’t kill Jerry?” DW: “No, Alfred, Jerry’s fine. This time. Let’s go eat!”

The pandaredd has gifted us with another hilarious skit. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

[askguyslikeus]

((thank you to guest writer @actualbird !!!))

See the thing about Evangeline is that it's pretty much as old as Jeremy and Michael's entire friendship. Probably older, actually. Evangeline, of course, being the minifridge in their dorm that houses the Jeremy’s fantastic stock of Mountain Dew Red.

It was passed down into the Mell household from a distant relative before landing in Michael's basement for prime snacking purposes. There, high on sentimentality and weed, teen Jeremy and Michael named the fridge after roughly an hour of scrolling through baby names while Evie ("Holy shit," Jeremy remembers saying to the ceiling. "Evie can be its nickname. That's so cute. Evie.") kept watch in the corner.

They take Evie with them when they go to college ("Ohana means family," Michael had said. "And family means no fridge gets left behind.") and it's been smooth sailing ever since. Evie doubles as a bedside desk. Evie's fridge door is home to various post its, three weird magnets, and the loving “P1” sign. Evie's soft, steady hum rings out through their dorm without fail.

Well, without fail until a few weeks ago when Evie's hum sputters from a constant thrum to an erratic buzz. Jeremy didn't think it was a problem because Evie was still refrigerating and a good smack usually set the it back on track for a few hours, but when the smacking stopped working, he just gets used to the weird buzzing beat. At one point, Michael says he could probably make a sick song from the beats, but before he can help Michael record Evie, Evie makes a final, desperate, pathetic sounding thunk.

The next day, Evie is nothing more than a lukewarm cupboard filled with equally lukewarm soda.

Which is how they end up at a Target that weekend, staring down at the overwhelming magnitude of the kitchen appliances section. Jeremy, in the face of an entire aisle of minifridges, feels uneasy. Out of depth. Intimidated. Out of everything he's faced in his life, right now, slowly walking past fridges that look cooler than he is, this feels like war. Which it absolutely isn't but the connotations of buying a fridge seem monumental at the moment. This is a life milestone. Buying a fridge.

Jeremy says none of this. Instead, he looks at a fridge, turns to Michael, and very intelligently says, "Fridge."

"Fuck, man," Michael nods sagely, placing a hand on Jeremy's shoulder.  "They sure do."

They indulge in maybe three seconds of solemn eye contact before Michael breaks, his poker face splitting into a smile before turning into straight up cackles.

"Shut uuuup," Jeremy rolls his eyes, trying to shove Michael but he slings an arm around his shoulder, still snickering.

"Nah, dude. Do you have like, any other wise words to tell me?"

"Yeah, two. 'Fuck' and 'off'." Jeremy sticks his tongue out because he's like five, whatever. "Look at the fridges, dude. We have to pick a fridge."

"We have to pick a fridge," Michael repeats, but his words have a rhythm to it. Jeremy's seen this happen enough to know what'll happen next.  "We have to. Have to pick a fridge," Michael says, bobbing his head to the beat he's making. Michael can turn anything into a jingle. Jeremy once read him the ingredient list on a box of Nerds and he turned it into a theme song. Dextrose, sugar, malic aaaaaacid, corn, corn, corn syrup. It was awesome. It was catchy. It was stuck in Jeremy's head for days. "Gotta pick a fridge. A fridge. A fridge." Michael croons, turning his gaze to Jeremy. "Because we are---take it away, Jer."

"Uhhhh," Jeremy thinks, hoping real hard that he doesn't just say 'fridge' again. "Fffff--" he says. Fuck. Salvage the situation. "Fffffridgehunters. We are Fridgehunters."

"Oh, shit, that sounds rad.” Michael grins, high fiving Jeremy. “Fridgehunters. Hunting for a fridge.”

For the lack of anything better to do, Jeremy adds some harmony. “Hunting for a fridge,” he sings before realizing they do have something better to be doing. “Dude, we can’t be singing about hunting for a fridge if we aren’t even looking at the fridges.”

“Compelling point,” Michael says valiantly. “But consider that, for some reason, I feel really intimidated by all these fridges.”

“Oh, thank fuck. Me too.” Jeremy sighs in relief. “Inheriting fridges is one thing but like, getting one? Choosing one? We’re going to die here.”

“No. No we won’t,” Michael says, suddenly determined. He lets go of Jeremy and stomps to a nearby fridge. “Come on, Jeremy. Let’s fucking do this. For Evie.”

They both look at the fridge. Jeremy reads the, what, the fridge stats (?) printed on the little card on the door. “These sure are words.”

“Yep,” he pops the ‘p’ and offers nothing more. They’re going to die here.

Jeremy belatedly realizes this all is ridiculous, but this is never a surprise. He'd be more worried the day he and Michael sit down and do something sensible and serious. Jeremy says, "We should've brought somebody else with us. An adult."

"We are adults," Michael winces. Yeah, he knows. Terrifying concept.

"An adult-ier adult," Jeremy explains, before he backtracks and realizes that they know nobody who fits that criteria at all. "Or just anybody who'd be helpful. We should've brought Rich."

"That would be entertaining, but not helpful." Michael opens a nearby fridge for no apparent reason, seeing as he’s looking at Jeremy and not the fridge. "Though, he'd make a great backup singer for the Fridgehunters theme. Have you heard him beatbox?"

"I mean, I've heard him choke on milk, so close enough." Jeremy looks into the fridge. It's got some heavy compartment stuff going on in there. Advanced shit. Too advanced, so Jeremy closes the fridge.

"We could've brought PJ. She seems like she'd know how to...fridge."

"Wrong," Michael opens the fridge again. "You see what I'm doing here? The weird nervous opening and closing this fridge thing?"

"Yeah?"

"PJ would open every single fridge in this aisle. And she'd do it out of glee," he shuts the fridge for emphasis. "Face it, man. Nobody's got it together. Collectively, I figure we could like, Voltron our way into becoming a singular functional human, but individually?" Michael pulls open the fridge door with a flourish. "Nah."

Jeremy nods, until he feels a literal lightbulb go off in his head. "Jake."

"Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely,” Michael takes Jeremy by the shoulders. “We should've brought Jake. God, we're idiots. Jake could buy a fridge. Jake looks like he could put together IKEA furniture correctly."

"He's been doing that thing with the Rubik's cube." Jeremy says, moving him and Michael to a different part of the aisle, one with simpler looking fridges, hopefully.

"What, solving it?"

"Yeah."

"Who the fuck actually solves it?"

"Jake. He caught me staring and explained, like, algorithms."

"Burn the witch." He hears Michael mutter as they walk. “Dude, is it just me or are these fridges like--”

“Needlessly complicated? Totally,” Jeremy says. Thankfully, it seems like the fridges are getting more and more reasonable. “Evie was a good, cold cube. Probably from eighties, but still straightforward.”

“No nonsense whatsoev---FUCK.” Michael yells directly in his ear.

“Agh, holy shit, what?” He whips his head to Michael. Michael who is pointing at a fridge like it committed a murder right in front of him, but when Jeremy sees it, he understand. “No way.”

“Yes way.” Michael smiles, walking over to open the fridge. “Jeremy,” he says. “Same fridge.”

“Same fridge,” he murmurs in disbelief, looking at a fridge that was pretty much exactly Evie sans the bit where he hopes it’ll work. What are the goddamn odds. “So like. Evangeline the second?”

“You read my mind, man,” Michael crouches down to look inside the fridge. “But uh. Evie the second who is also the P1 fridge. So P1 the second? Player one two? Twelve?”

Jeremy crouches down due to peer pressure caused by literally one person and shrugs, “Don’t make us do numbers, Michael.”

“Fair enough,” Michael nudges Jeremy and raises a fist. “The Fridgehunters have a fridge.”

He laughs, solemnly tapping his own to Michael’s before saying, “I mean, technically, we haven’t bought it yet.”

“You’re ruining the moment.”

“We probably need to go find somebody and---”

“The moment, Jeremiah.”

“Reality, Michaelmiah.”

They do end up finding an employee, or rather an employee finds Michael mid-tackle and they try to make themselves presentable in under three seconds, scrambling from the floor and standing up. Because they’re adults. Who are going to get this fridge right here.

We wanna get this fridge, Jeremy thinks. What Jeremy ends up saying to the employee, “Uh, fridge.”

To his left, he hears Michael do a terrible job at holding in laughter, and Jeremy jabs him in the side with his elbow.

Just another day in the life.

[gigglincactus]

"you guys wanna dress up with fancy clothes, pretend we're rich and do a photoshoot?"

You live in a rich ass neighborhood and you go to disneyland every year, shut the fuck uuuup.