#resteasytome

[behindbrowneyezz]

12.5.22

Honestly, I keep putting off blogging because i know that when my dad gets free time...a sick thought in the head. Instead of just reaching out to me like a normal father, he decides to go stalk my social media accounts.  I've always wondered how he does this...im sure if its not some program he has discovered, then it probably is from katies page. Able to see all my pictures. The statuses i post. I don't mean just on here. in fact i dont even know if here can see this. BUT I do know he has checked my Facebook before, I know this from now 3 different relatives that have warned me about this. Somehow almost 3 years ago, he was able to see a very intimate status i had posted about my thoughts on him and the rest of my RELATIVES going to meet for lunch. Right in my area and didn't bother to send me an invite. Now I know very well most of them cant stand me. In fact i know none of them love me but my brothers, which im not upset about at all. We dont exactly come from a world full of wonderful humans. Each of us have HUGE skeletons in our closet. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The only difference is that i’m super open about the fucking mess of a human I am! I dont hide it. I wear it on my sleeve every day. Some days more then others. But it drives them all nuts. I cant help that i love to talk, that i feel like people that claim to love me...would be curious on what goes on in my head..but they truly hate it. they wish id be silent. a sober, silent, YES MAM kind of broad. But even as a kid i had this fight or flight mode that never got turned off.

You see, i got molested a lot as a real young toddler. YES TODDLER, i didnt really ever think it affected me much. SO i never really spoke about it. I always told myself that somehow it just didnt affect me so what was the point in bringing it up. It wasnt till i was 17 years old and started drinking that it started to come a problem. Once I started drinking heavily, i started to remember things i had went many years ignoring. If you were to ask my father about this he would probably say that he think i’m lying about it. I dont care. What sick fuck would i be if that i was lying about something so serious. It was his stupid ass that got a druggie pregnant 3 fucking times and let her teach us ridiculous things. I never thought that id lie to my dad as a teenager. But as EVERY teen does, of course there were days that i lied. he was miserable, mean, and hardly interested in anything my brothers and i had going on. SO DUH YES i lied many days about many weird things so i didnt have to see the devil come out. BUT i can tell you ive never lied about the assaults ive experienced. In fact, ive been so honest to myself over the years about it because its the only way that i know that i’m going to DO BETTER. I was raised by and raised around nasty awful lairs themselves. For years i would blame myself, my broken brain for these moments..not realizing i had to understand that at those times..i was a CHILD. no one was there to fully protect me. My dad worked his ass off to always make sure we had a roof over our heads, which thank GOD for that....but wow does he hate me for all those years he lost. SO now he lives a life of ignoring where he came from, a life where he chooses to ignore the first human HE helped create because im ‘DIFFCULT” imagine. imagine thinking your job is over as a parent at 18 because you kicked her out for smoking pot and tossed her shit in trash bags....then moved states for a woman your children dont even know much about. Imagine right?

Well that's my reality. YES ive made a million mistakes....and you know what else? I’m probably going to make a million more throughout my life. BUt for some reason my father feels like i’m the only one hes relalated to that doesn’t deserve forgiveness, kindness, grace, and most of all love. Maybe its my fat ass mouth hes scared of. Maybe he truly hates the human i am. Maybe it IS easier to not have me around....but imagine treating your child like FAMILY is everything..work hard. play hard. and hold on tight because life is wild...all just to ignore them for the rest of their lives. Thats why i get so heated when he decides to just check on all my social media accounts. that coward cant even call or text me??? his ego is so big he truly thinks thats okay? he cant let me have a space where i can be myself and not have to worry about that ass hole reading every god damn word i say? if you hate me LEAVE ME BE. its actually not that hard. he has very much have shown me that. I DO call eveyone my relatives now because those people arent my family. granted some of them i have personally pushed away, but i dont feel bad about that. they chose to be who they are and i’m choosing to TRY to be better then what i was taught. They havent ever been MY family. they are my fathers family and they can very much keep it that way!! Lmfao, a coward AT BEST. i miss the man he was when i was a little girl. THAT man was a man of honor, love, and tough as nails. the person he is...now?...A soulless coward is what he is now. 

Soulless. Coward. 

Maybe he was always like that, maybe people will hate me for calling him that, but i can assure you hes said much worse things about me. Imagine loving to bash your own children to people that wouldnt be at your funeral. Imagine being at a dinner or a family gathering and then deciding to just try to convince everyone around you that your children are a mess and YOU had zero to do with it. Hes just embarrasing at this point. I cant imagine how that man sleeps at night, i dont understand how he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks ‘Wow chris you did great today’.

Maybe he was always this human, maybe I never truly saw him until i started to see the world more. I’m not sure. I hope that's not the case, i really dont. He was my hero, my world, he was the reason i didn't hate myself or life for so long. I really loved that man more then I could ever express. I thought we would be going to concerts, making family meals, and gossiping about women for the rest of my life. I always thought hed be in my apartment judging my things and fixing up anything i couldnt myself. I always thought wed be sending eachother new music we were obsessed with and sneaking off to a good happy hour spot. I truly wish i could talk to my younger self and tell her that its all fake. Dont enjoy those moments. Stop asking him to go to concerts,beg to move in with one of your grandmas. NEVER pick up that bottle. Man how different my world would be now if i had been able to. I dont hate him, i feel sorry for him. because one day, just like my birth mother, he will be dead and will have to see all the wonderful moments he has had to miss out on. HE has MY most precious gift on the planet and he uses it as a TOOL to brag to strangers about how much of a saint he is. Imagine right. Lets all pray for this man. When i saw him last he gave me a crockpot full of candy and hugged me once. that year he got everyone really nice gifts but me..in his words to one of my relatives “If its not on the list, i wont get it” . that year he must of felt like he HAD to ‘make an appearance’ as he used to love to say about life things when i was a child. Imagine, hating your one and only daughter so much you throw her a crockpot and then leave and never answer your phone to her calls or texts again. Ill never understand why he thinks people should all be chasing HIM for the rest of their life and he doesn’t have to give any love in return but SHEEEESH what a toxic trait. I probably wouldn't be so angry, so hurt if it hadnt been for all the wonderful parents out there that constantly give their children grace. Mind you, my grandma is one of those parents. Hes in his 40s and still calls her at least 4 times a week I’ve been told. So you'd think he had learned from the best. Lets all laugh together. my little girl self will always miss him dearly, but the woman i’m becoming sees a very different human. Maybe hes not even human at all anymore. Just a hallow shell trying to survive another shitty day on this shitty planet. 

They call this the Devils playground, i think they just may be right.