#restaurant-fails customercomplaints

[ob-fans]

Restaurant Fails

@fuck-customers 

Things you’re doing wrong in a restaurant that your server secretly hates you for.

Seating:  When you walk into a restaurant, unless you’ve been there before and you know for certain that this is acceptable – DO NOT SEAT YOURSELF DOWN. It is not fucking McDonald’s. This is incredibly annoying to servers for several reasons – firstly, their manager may be watching and it will appear they have kept you waiting so long that you were forced to seat yourselves, and secondly even if it is quiet when you arrive, they may well have a seating plan and tables intended for booked guests later on. Thirdly, it’s just plain impatient and rude.

Generally if the restaurant is quiet and there is 4 or less of you we give people some choice about where to sit as this makes the customer feel valued. However, do not turn up as a party of 6 or more, for whom restaurants often have a limited number of suitable tables, ignore our table suggestions and insist on us making some sort of table jigsaw in the middle of the restaurant floor, just to accommodate you. You're there for a couple of hours, not the rest of your life – chill the fuck out.

Further to this, yes we know it’s cold outside, but if you give yourself a minute to warm up you will realise once you’re INSIDE you will no longer be cold. Please don’t expect we can seat EVERY single person that comes in “as far away from the door as possible” as we would have a half empty restaurant and in our case, have most of our customers out of sight from the bar/reception area. Be patient, at least see if you’re warm enough where you are before asking to move.

Also, do not demand to sit away from children as soon as you arrive. You’ve chosen a child friendly Italian restaurant that serves pizza and fries. What do you expect? If you don’t like kids, go somewhere else. Which leads me on to…

Kids:  DO NOT ALLOW YOUR KIDS TO RUN OR SKATE AROUND THE RESTAURANT. This is not just annoying to staff and fellow customers alike, but is also incredibly dangerous – staff serve hot drinks and food, many dishes coming straight from the oven, and if your kid runs into us on their skates it’s very possible they could end up with food all over them or worse in the hospital with second degree burns.  

It is not acceptable to allow your kids to throw food everywhere and leave the table looking as though a bomb hit it, with more food on the floor than was on the plate. If your kid can’t handle eating in a restaurant without making THAT MUCH of a mess, they are not old enough to be eating out. Either that, or please, take wet wipes (not baby wipes, I mean antiseptic wipes) and at least clear up the mess before you leave. If you wouldn’t leave a friend’s house that way, don’t leave a restaurant that way - it’s just bad manners.

Please do not leave your young children alone in the restaurant. ALWAYS nominate at least one adult to supervise. We are not a crèche and are not there to look after your children because you want a glass of wine and a sit down for an hour or two. Children forget their orders, take ages to make up their minds, change their minds, and generally get confused about the whole process, and we cannot discuss the orders or negotiate the bill with a child if something needs fixing. The last time this happened, a kid ended up getting a Bolognese when they were vegetarian, because they had forgotten what they wanted and didn’t know what it was. This shit is not our fault if you can’t be bothered to look after your kids.  It’s fine to let them “be adults” and sit by themselves, JUST STAY IN THE DAM RESTAURANT SO THAT IF YOUR KID BREAKS THEIR LEG WE DON’T HAVE TO CALL AN AMBULANCE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO TELL YOU YOUR KID IS IN THE HOSPITAL. Seriously, this is just un-fucking acceptable. Don’t do it. Ever.

Just because you are a young person and are eating out with your friends with your pocket money or a voucher your parents have given you, this does not mean that the standards are different for you. We don’t necessarily expect a large tip (hell, usually we don’t expect ANY tip) but at least have the courtesy and sense to split the bill, or take change with you so that you can pay for your amount exactly. The last time this happened, all 4 of them had kids set menus, the only difference was some had coke and some had juice, which was ridiculous. We do not have the time, nor we should we expected to work out the change for 6 or more people’s individual orders, and give you each exact change when you have only given us a £20 note each. We are not a bank and often waiters have their own floats, meaning that especially near the start of a shift they will not have a large amount of loose change on them. Basically, if you’re old enough to eat out like adults, you’re old enough to pay like adults too.

Headphones / phones / games – I personally don’t give a crap if your kid wants to play a game etc or listen to music while in the restaurant, as long as it does not disrupt other customers. However, please have the fucking courtesy to make sure your kid is making eye contact and actually treating us like fucking human beings when we are taking their order. I cannot tell you how dismissive and disrespectful it is to be for all intents and purposes ignored and treated like furniture. We are serving your food, we are not slaves.

Stacking Plates

Please, if you are sitting somewhere the waiter cannot easily reach you, take the plate from us when you receive your food, and hand it back to us when we come to clear your plates. We do not have extendable arms for hard to reach tables, please us common sense in this scenario – if you would struggle, then likely we are too.

It’s very much appreciated if you stack your plates, but please do this sensibly. Do not create a giant plate mountain destined to topple over at the minutest movement – this is counter-productive and it just means we have to unpile your plates before we can re stack them and take them back to the kitchen – completely nullifying the point. If you are incapable of determining what is a sensible plate stack and what is a plate catastrophe in the making, please leave your plates the fuck alone, and wait for us to collect them.  

Discounts  and Receipts

If you have a discount code or voucher, please make sure the server is aware of this BEFORE you ask for the bill. Please do not ask for the bill, wait for the server to print the bill and leave it with you before you decide to let them know. This is annoying to the server, a waste of everyone’s time and in some cases servers do not have the ability to do bill reprints themselves, so they must then chase down a manager, causing even more of a delay and frustration both to you and to them. When you’re trying to wait tables in a busy restaurant this is incredibly annoying. WHAT IS THE POINT of someone giving you a bill showing what you WOULD have paid, before you offer them a voucher to render this null and void anyway. I honestly cannot understand this.

Assuming you have followed the above etiquette, please do not approach the bar or register to harass the wait staff the second you have checked the bill. It is customary, unless you ask to pay straight away, to allow you time to check the bill is correct, before we return for payment. During this time we will do other tasks and serve other customers. You are no more important than anyone else, even if you do have a meeting to get to.

Following the above, please do not walk into a restaurant and open with “Can you serve us in 20 minutes, we’ve got a film to get to”. It’s rude, self-important and regardless of how “quick” you think your order may be, there are still potentially many other people’s orders ahead of yours, and you don’t get to skip the queue just because you’ve not left enough time. Go out for dinner earlier, god dammit.

Shots/Samples on arrival:  Some places give customers free samples on arrival. Occasionally parents get a panicked look on their faces as we pour them, as if “lord help us, what are they giving our CHILDREN?!?!?” *Sigh* No, the shots I’m giving your children are NOT alcoholic. I value my job and my life as a free person and wouldn’t be endangering that to give your 5 year old fucking limoncello. For crying out loud have some common sense. If I had a penny for every time I heard that one, I wouldn’t need tips, hell, I wouldn’t need to work, except for then I suppose I wouldn’t hear it in the first place. Dilemma.

Tipping: It is customary in the UK and many other countries to tip your waiter/server. In the UK the standard amount is 10%, which is one of the lowest percentages in the western world. The USA and Canada, for example, both EXPECT 15-20 or even 25% percent. In some cases they will even consider it a part of the bill. So please guys, unless you have had a truly terrible experience in the restaurant and this is specifically at least partially down to your waiter, tip the dam wait staff. 10% is fine and the staff always appreciate it. Waiters in most restaurants get paid hourly and usually minimum wage, the job can be stressful and very physical and we don’t get paid extra when it’s busy and demanding, so EVERYTHING counts. Please, don’t be a dick.

Furthermore, if you are a tourist visiting the UK, it is even more imperative and appreciated that you follow this custom. Likely, you have come from a country where the tip percentage is higher (see USA, Canada etc) and thus 10% is nothing. We have it drilled into us, here in the UK, that we should follow customs when abroad and tip as they do. We would hope for, and certainly appreciate, the same courtesy. There is also the argument that since you’re used to a higher percentage, and that in the UK tax is included in the price, making for easier bill understanding, that you should tip either 10% or the tip rate in your country, whatever is higher. Basically, do the polite thing and don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in your home country.  

Takeaway Coffee: In fairness, this is specific to each restaurant due to what else there is in the locality, but speaking for mine specifically.. No, we do not do take away coffee. We are situated in a busy town centre with no less than 10 cafes. Go to a fucking coffee shop if you want take away coffee, not a restaurant. Seriously, WHY?

When Orders Go Wrong: Sometimes mistakes are made, someone mishears an order, or misses off an item, which can easily happen if the server is distracted or the restaurant is very busy. That is our error and we apologise for that, but we will do our best to fix it as quickly as possible, accommodate other requests you have, and probably remove items from the bill, or give you some sort of discount. Please, please, please do not make the waiter feel like their entire existence is worthless because they missed off your fucking garlic bread. The world will continue to spin on its axis and the sun will still rise tomorrow. You will have forgotten all about it, but the waiter won’t have and will possibly get reprimanded by their manager – please consider this before making a huge fuss about a small mistake.

Fake Complaints: It is fairly common for waiters to check back on their tables to make sure that everything is ok with the food, and to see if the customers need anything else. This also serves as an opportunity for us to head off any complaints – if we ask you if the food is ok and you say yes, then we can leave you alone to enjoy your meal for a while. We are not mind readers, we rely on you letting us know if there is an issue. We check back on you for a reason – please do not say everything is ok and then complain later – this helps no one and appears occasionally as somewhat opportunistic, as usually the manager will then offer a discount. If the food was of a good standard and there was nothing wrong with it, pay the full price. If the restaurant is too expensive for you, find a voucher or just don’t bluddy go there. We know what you’re doing and it’s not cool.

Please apply the above restaurant etiquette and I guaran-fucking-tee you will instantly get better service, and if the waiter really likes you, maybe even free shit. Simple. :-)