#rereading when sleep deprived is something else 😭

[imagineandwrite]

I was rereading the Obsession chapter and I saw that Shuri says “Believes our Queen is dead…” I kid you not! First thought in my head: I coulda sworn I killed yo momma...

So a few things have been fixed in those two chapters 😁

[kneelingshadowsalome]

i love your works and your toxic könig so much 😭 for some reason in my head könig was always like a puppy in love even outside of aus but i like to imagine him like this sometimes.

basically if he feels abandoned bc you were busy with something else (literally taking a shower for like 10 minutes or not looking at him while he was talking) he will start crying and needs you to kiss him a bunch of times and tell him he's your favourite boy baby husband man boyfriend sweetheart for like an hour lol. he literally can't stand it if he can't touch you or talk to you for long periods of time (let's say the reader is a civilian and könig often has missions he has to leave for). he literally goes insane and keeps rereading those screenshots of loving messages from you he has an entire folder on his phone for, literally he convinced himself that you've already left him for someone else and is now going to be crying himself to sleep.

when he does return he's literally scared, so it feels like you attached him to yourself physically and that's why he never leaves your side. always holding hands, könig always being there even if your have to move around the house a lot or do the most mundane tasks even if he himself has chores or things he needs to do. kind of creepy bc he's just silent but feels like he'll die if you disappear from his line of sight for more than two seconds.

even aside from that listening to you talk fondly of someone, anyone really: a friend (if he lets you have them), a random cashier (if he wasn't there with you to talk to them instead of you), a relative (if he even allows you to talk to your family) he's so!!! like hurt and upset and goes quiet for long periods of time.

like eyes red from crying, nose stuffed and he's like "i'm fine nothing is wrong" then goes back to crying somewhere more private.

and this kind of behaviour makes sex kind of uncomfortable Sometimes. he often needs you to repeat that you're his, only his, you can't look away from him, you HAVE to be holding his hand when he fucks you but somehow it's a 50/50 when it comes to power dynamics.

either he manhandles you and shows you that he's the only man, the only person you could ever need or love and that he won't ever let you leave him; or he's completely subby, like "please hold my face and kiss me while you're riding me for as long as you want, i'm only yours and i wanna show that" kind of way.

i am insane basically thank you for coming to my ted talk.

This was one of the best Ted talks I've ever been to! I loved every word, every second of it!! 🥳🥹 My god, I want more... I need me some encore now.

I love subby König, holy Christ. And tbh... what's beneath the toxic, crazy killing machine König is someone who is horribly, and I mean HORRIBLY love-deprived and touch-starved and super duper insecure. Which means there's bound to be some subby behavior leaking through toxic König too!

König would so need to have you on his sights at all times. And when he's working, it's annoying because... he loves his work but now he's just thinking about you. What are you doing at this very moment..? Have you talked to someone today? A friend, a colleague, a family member? A stranger??

Do you sleep ok without him (because he doesn't, he just tosses and turns in his bunk/cot/the ground all night when you're not there), and why haven't you sent a text today? He's gonna call you as soon as he gets somewhere more private.

The longer the mission lasts, the more sullen and broody he gets. After a few days, he kills his enemies with a thousand yard stare only because they're basically what's between him and his squeeze.

And yes he has to touch you like a thousand times a day or just watch your every move when he finally gets home. If you're in the bathroom too long he comes to knock on the door and ask if everything's alright (you ran there to have a moment's peace from this big cuddly behemoth who looks at you with that creepy batless obsessive stare... frankly it's disturbing)

And oh my god stop – holding hands during sex? Oh my god. Imagine him bordering on being rough (because he's *missed* you goddammit 👿) while wanting to entwine your fingers together✨️. Toxic König is a huge romantic, even if the "romantic" things he does are a bit... questionable. And he wouldn't shut up during the first round after he got home!

"Say that you missed me,"

"Tell me you're mine... Say it. Now,"

"You're always teasing me,"

would be some of the things he'd say during pounding you to his heart's content. (And you wouldn't even know how you've "teased" him this time... Like... He's the one who left for a week long mission...? 🤨)

After sex he would be so much gentler, but no less demanding and whiny. He needs so much validation and gets odd and grumpy if you don't give him some. If you'd try to domme him though, he would become even more unbearable (being a sub is this man's secret fantasy but he doesn't even know it himself).

[btscontentenjoyer]

If none of the previous parts had solidified how much these two love each other (which they have ofc) this one absolutely did. Honestly I read this a few days ago and it still makes me emotional thinking about it.

So first of all, the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times before about how they deal with things when Jungkook is away, especially in the earlier stages of their relationship, so to see that that was the catalist of this was so 😔 But also it totally makes sense too, because of course the only reason why they would ever talk about breaking up isn't because one of them intentionally hurt the other because they would never do that 🥺🥺🥺

"you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook." The way it never once felt right during this whole part to see them apart or hurting because of the other 🥺🥺🥺 So I totally get OC here, they are just so made for each other to the point where it doesn't make sense for them not to be together.

"and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow." 😭😭😭 again, it just doesn't feel right at all 😭😭😭

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.” The last line!!!!! I wish there was a fist slamming a table emoji because that was me in my bed when I read this. How could he say this when he's trying to break up with OC 😭😭😭😭

"you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds." OC is just the sweetest, most precious person in the world who deserves to never cry and always be smiling and laughing 🥺🥺🥺

"jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach." Something about that last line really got me. Even rereading it now has me going 🥺.

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?” How could they ever leave each other's presence after saying things like this???? 😭😭😭

"our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.” and “this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.” and “your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?” and "Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi" All of Yoongi's parts were honestly so amazing. You got his wise and comforting advice just right, Art 🥺🥺🥺

Also I loved Tae and Joon's cameos too! And now I'm curious what Tae's situation is too because 👀👀👀

"he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you." Painful and so so beautiful ugh.

“when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.” Literally every single part of this story broke me, I was on the verge of tears for so long 😭😭😭

"he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.” He's literally so cute!!! The flashback had me smiling though my tears :')

"because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to." Your beautiful writing makes everything even more heartbreaking, Art.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…” And this is where the tears that had been in my eyes the entire time actually started falling. The line about the love OC has for him being too heavy to carry hit me so incredibly hard 😭😭😭

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat." I found this so cute!!! Just the fact that they're always imagining a future together even earlier in their relationship 🥺🥺🥺 That's also probably why they couldn't take not being together either 😭😭😭

Also the neighbour parts took me out lol, made me smile through the pain a little.

"he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room." The toe socks!!!! You always always add the most adorable Jungkook details in your stories and it's the cutest thing in the world. It makes me smile every time I spot them.

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.” The open and honest communication was so great to see!!!

"you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?" Art, your words speak to my soul so deeply 😭😭😭

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.” I love OC with my entire heart and soul 🥺🥺🥺

"he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons." I don't know if I've ever teared up from a make out scene before, but now I can say that I have. This was just so so incredible beautiful. The writing, the culmination of all of their emotions, the amount of love in all of it is just stunning.

"jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar." 🥺🥺🥺

Art, you are such an amazing writer. I'm kind of speechless at the end of this but I just want you to know that your words make me feel so deeply and I'm so thankful for them. This time I kind of just put all of my favourite lines with my not so coherent thoughts next to them because I just loved so many parts of this and they've all left such a big impact on me.

P. S. I just went through the in which masterlist to just read the titles because I love them and I actually started tearing up and getting emotional thinking of all of the beautiful moments we've seen of them 🥺🥺🥺

summary: in which jungkook is giving up on you but you have so much love left to give.

> idol!jungkook x f!reader / angst, fluff, suggestive / wc: 8k

> warnings: mention of infidelity (no one did u can breathe ily), mention of a classmate slipping their number in oc’s pocket and oc feeling unsafe, mention of puking, mentions & allusion to s/x, alcohol consumption, making out, boob!e fondle, grinding kinda? jungkook is hard™️ they’re so in love it’s sickening

playlist! and if/or when - ruel / hate everything - jungkook cover (gsoul) / hits different - taylor swift / statue - lil’ eddie / i wouldn’t ask you - clairo (i had to get in the zone & this is so oc-coded i need u to listen i’m so srs)

— in which masterlist!

note: this was a journey. happened back in 2019.!! i’m ripping off the bandaid <3 deep sigh writing this made me realize how my babies have come so far. hopefully will follow up with a fluffy fluff lowkey inspired by the underwear live soonest lols i’m excited for it 2 stay tuned 🫂

—

you forgot the walls of the apartment building you’re living in are thin. a small portion of the white paint has been chipped off, it looks like a birth mark, you note — except it’s not, and you’re the one who caused the irregularity.

your favorite glass is scattered across the kitchen floor, reduced to shards and to sparkling pieces almost as miniscule as dust. you don’t know what came over you. you don’t know why you threw it at the wall instead of filling it with cold water to only taking three sips like you usually do.

just when you thought you’ve been faring well in holding yourself together today, a fresh wave of sorrow overwhelms you. your knees buckle as you begin weeping, the loudest you’ve been since this nightmare has started. it swallows the knocking sounds at your door, but it’s still not loud enough to quell jungkook’s quivering voice playing like a broken record on loop inside your head.

“we should end this… i think it’s for the best, before we get drained.”

the rain is coming down fiercely and you’re freezing inside his car, parked outside your apartment. after all, his balenciaga windbreaker can only do so much against the blasted airconditioner. your throat is painfully dry, and your hands and face are numb from the piercing cold. but those are the least of your concerns because you feel like your head had just been dunked in ice water. the sting in your eyes are burning warmer as the seconds fly by and the muffled sounds of the torrential raindrops drum frantically in your ears. they’re clouding the car windows, mirroring jungkook’s tear-stained cheeks.

“i’m leaving again in three weeks. and i’m leaving again next year… and i’ll be gone again soon after that. i-i don’t know when i’m coming home, ___.” he pauses. the heel of palms press against his eyes, as if that could possibly barricade the saltwater leaking from them. “i never know where my life is taking me and you have your own… there’s too much-too much going on. i think that i’m just wasting your time, that this isn’t- it’s not going anywhere.”

“open the door! hello?! ___!”

“what do you want?!” you seeth in annoyance, swinging the door open to reveal your pesky neighbor.

he scratches the top of his head awkwardly at the sight of the mess that you greeted him with, having not bothered to pretend that you weren’t wailing your heart out.

”hey, i know you’re going through something…” his lips remain parted as he struggles to find the correct word, his right eye twitching voluntarily. “soul-crushing? right now. but i heard glass breaking and i was concerned that you, uhm, might’ve hurt yourself.”

the apparent nervousness and sincerity in his actions pull you out from the isolating disassociation you’ve imprisoned yourself in. you feel humiliated, presenting yourself in your most pitiful form infront of a kid two years younger than you. you envy him for having it together after storming out of his parents’ house while you-

“i’m not hurt. it was just an accident.”

you’re shamelessly lying infront of his face because the truth makes you feel too ashamed of yourself.

he only nods, smiling in relief. “i don’t know how to help make you feel better, so i just brought honey like i used to do before.”

you sigh, the familiar jar of honey and its red checkered lid waving at you like an old friend. has it been a year?

“bro, i told you i can’t accept this anymore.”

“you and your boyfriend already broke up. what’s the big deal?”

you have never wanted to smack someone more, the genuine confusion painted on his face feels like an infuriatingly harsh slap to yours.

“he wasn’t threatened by your honey, you dipshit. we just found out my blood sugar was getting a bit high!”

“oh- i’m so-”

you angrily slam the door shut. the silence you’re left with is suffocating, and you find yourself breaking down again.

he jumps in surprise when you open the door again, yelling- “and we’re not broken up!” before ripping away the jar of honey from his sweaty palms. he’s left completely flabbergasted, an inexplicable heaviness weighing on his chest when he hears your sniffling from the other side of the hard-wood.

“does that mean i can deliver again next week? i have too much in my kitchen…”

he doesn’t receive a snarky answer, surprisingly, so he continues talking.

“and f-y-i, your left cheek is bleeding! you might want to check on that!”

—

“you didn’t even give me any signs…”

you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook.

“do you really mean that? or is there something else you’re not saying…? look at me.” you plead, weakly tugging at the hem of his long-sleeved shirt. the horrors of long-distance relationship stories claw their way out of your skin, adding fuel to the fire of your deepest fear. “you didn’t cheat on me, right? that can’t be it. we- we always-”

after you ended your last relationship, you cried at the parking lot of your university and continued living your life the next morning as if nothing happened at all. you did it all for yourself, anyway. he was gradually tearing down your confidence and your dignity; and you didn’t want to become a person the future you would despise for not being wiser, stronger.

and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow.

no matter how hard you try to shut out this thought, it keeps knocking on the door. he’s going to be doing these sweet nothings for a different person when he finally reaches a more stable place in his life. you want to kneel on the ground, beg the heavens to meddle with destiny and never let you hear about it.

because that means he will never set foot in your apartment again, and the personal belongings you left in his room will be thrown out to erase the traces you left behind.

so this is how it begins.

the ugliest parts of you are swimming to the surface, tying themselves around your ankles because jungkook took away the ground from beneath your feet after unearthing your soul and… nothing makes sense to you anymore. if you wake up every morning to tend to your garden, and you look outside the window to learn that the sun has stopped burning, what do you have left?

your lips inevitably curve into a frown, but you inhale a sharp breath, patting your eyes dry before they can smudge the black ink on your notepad. and then you dip a strawberry in honey for the third time.

—

“no, baby, no- that’s not it.”

the dread and insecurity weaved into the cracks of your voice fill him with nausea and panic. he captures your frigid hand with haste, firmly holding it to his pounding chest.

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.”

“then why are you giving up on me? am i becoming a burden?”

jungkook feels painfully numb, mind floating as the buildings outside the window get left behind him as a mere, passing blur.

“yah, jungkook-ah. are you crying?”

a torturous moment of silence passes as he struggles to find his voice. his tongue is tied, and his lost eyes are betraying the nights he spent practicing how to explain himself to you. back then, the reasoning he curated made sense. but faced with the consequences of his actions, the love of his life’s brain running a thousand miles per hour, recording a tale of woe and heartache on his passenger seat — he has never felt this much loathing for himself and his weaknesses.

you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds.

the comforting rubs on his shoulder extracts him from his torturous thoughts, and only then does he feel the wetness on his face.

“you’ve been holding it back for the past week. just cry it out.”

he nods wordlessly, hiding himself in the fleece blanket from his lap. yoongi can feel a lump forming in his throat as he witnesses his youngest brother breaking down, jungkook’s pain also being his pain. as a group who’s been living together for the past decade, no one will be able to empathize with them as well each other. especially during times like this.

“___ hasn’t called?”

jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach.

“hyung,” the sound of the word borders on a sob. “it’s over. this is killing me… it’s all my fault.”

“but isn’t that what you wanted?”

“exactly. so why am i crying?” his hands ball into closed fists. “i’m an asshole.”

“enough of that!” yoongi loudly whines out his scolding. ”we all know you had your reason.”

“but, hyung, i fucked up!” he tenses up, blurting out the acknowledgement that’s been haunting him day and night. “she told me the most romantic thing and i felt so… fuck, i’m so angry at myself. i ruined everything. and i’m scared that i’d end up making things worse if i try fixing it.”

“stop beating yourself up. we can’t solve things this way.” yoongi grabs a bottle of water from the cupholder between them, twisting the cap open before handing it to jungkook. “drink first.”

once he starts drinking, he realizes that his throat has been awfully dry and sore. it’s most probably best for him to rest his voice. he can already foresee the concert rehearsal being absolute hell tomorrow. if he can’t sing, he doesn’t know how else he’s supposed to keep himself sane.

“talk to me. what did she say?”

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?”

and with that revelation, he loses the warmth of your touch, and he comes crashing down like a wingless aircraft.

“i also need time to think about it. that’s only fair, right? that i get to decide, too…?” you swallow thickly, lips parting as if the words are resisting to come out of your mouth.

he looks at you with an emotion you can’t name, a push and pull between longing and trepidation.

if this was a movie, he would brave the rain and somehow perfectly deliver a poetically romantic speech that would sway your heart. if this was a movie, you would take a warm bath together, make out in the bathtub, and make love on your bed. if this was a movie, the day would end with the two of you tangled up, peacefully asleep and rhythmic breathing in sync. but he knows you. apparently not as well as he thought, but to some extent, he knows you. if he pulls you closer in the heat of the moment, you would feel suffocated and defensive and you would push him away; and he would lose you for good. that much he knows. so he lets you leave and he stays in the car— heartbroken, crestfallen, and regretful, because he might’ve just recklessly thrown away the best gift the universe has ever given him.

“i was thinking about how she never would’ve made this much sacrifices and efforts for anyone else and i feel like… i- it’s all going to waste because our future is uncertain. i can’t be committed to her as much as she is committed to me. and, and i felt like the guilt was eating away at me, you know? i wasn’t thinking straight.” jungkook chews on his bottom lip, a last ditch effort to prevent himself from sobbing. “it just… consumed me? like i was drowning… and all i could smell and taste was the saltwater.”

“i see,” yoongi sighs, crossing his legs and intertwining his fingers infront of his stomach as he finds the right words to say. “that’s a normal response. our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.”

fuck, jungkook needs a glass of whiskey. or two. or twelve. he listens intently despite seeming like he’s spacing out.

“this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.”

yoongi frowns, wishing he could do more to alleviate the weight hanging on jungkook’s shoulders.

“you deserve love outside all the noise, too. focus on the present which you can still control and deal with the future when it arrives. if you do otherwise, you’ll just be tormenting yourself… and i know it’s easier said than done but! do you want to hear something i’ve had on my mind lately?”

with a flushed face and swollen eyes, he tilts his head to curiously spy on his hyung.

“what is it?”

“your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?”

yoongi fails to hide his gummy smile, body vibrating with silent laughter as pictures of jungkook falling asleep standing up flash before his eyes.

“seriously, you punk! you scare me! i just pass out and die straight after while you- really, you’re really unbelievable. i envy you. for being able to love with everything you have until they break your heart. i mean it!”

“but i’m the one who broke their heart this time.” jungkook somberly utters in defeat, bottom lip jutting out and chin quivering.

yoongi encouragingly pats his shoulder, shaking his body lightly. ”you can make it up to her. she’ll reach out before we leave. have some more patience.”

jungkook’s eyes turn into slits, suspiciously squinting at the man sitting beside him. “why do you sound so sure?”

“because she loves you. why else?”

—

you automatically pause from eating cup ramyeon when your phone lights up on top of the journals you’ve been reviewing for the past hour.

“ah, shit! shit!”

you abruptly cover your mouth with your hand, exhausted eyes watering because you accidentally bit your tongue after reading the name of the sender of your newest text notification. you take sips of cold water, peering at your phone as you do so. your hands itch to type out a response, but the screen dies and turns black, another of yoongi’s messages in the same pile of unanswered ones from your friends checking up on you tonight. you can’t talk to anyone right now; you need to get shit done.

after eating your dinner at the convenience store, you come home to a plastic of fried chicken hanging on the doorknob of your front door.

Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi

you peel off the blue handwritten note, sticking it on the cover of one of your books. you carefully carry the food using your free hand, and you can feel it radiating on your skin, the heat of a freshly-cooked meal. you were always worried of being a bother when you occasionally ask him how jungkook is doing, but this made your heart significantly lighter. gaining a good friend after losing your lover, perhaps life can show a smidge of mercy when it wants to.

too bad you’ve always been one to be greedy.

—

“ah, seriously. why did you have to break up with ___?”

“we’ve been through this a million times!” jungkook exclaims in exasperation as he fiddles with the controller, bumping his knee with taehyung’s. “focus. you’re supposed to be helping me forget.”

“i don’t remember agreeing to that.” taehyung responds with a shrug, smirking when he picks up a booster and runs past his friend’s character. “you finally found someone who could put up with you and you let them go? i won’t let you forget.”

jungkook scoffs, eyes rolling upwards. “bro, i should be the least of your problems.”

“nuh-uh.” taehyung tuts with a grin, belly aching with laughter when jungkook’s car jumps over his to steal the lead. he didn’t even know that was possible. he plans on using the same trick against him later. “i’m making you my biggest problem so i don’t have to deal with mine.”

“they’re not married yet. you still have a chance, you know?”

“yah!” he gapes at jungkook in shock, entirely forgetting about the game. “take that back!”

“don’t act like you haven’t thought of it!”

“yeah, but i don’t say it out loud. it sounds too wrong! i still have my morals left!” he cries out, stomping his feet on the floor.

jungkook lightly punches his arm, eyebrows pinched in confusion. “i meant you have a chance if they break up. i have morals too! what do you think of me?!”

“oh…” taehyung blinks. “you know who else have probably thought of that too, though?”

“who?” jungkook boredly questions as he scrolls through the game collection, contemplating about which one to play next.

“all the other people waiting in line for ___.”

the realization renders him motionless, stirring up the possessiveness coursing through his veins. for the love of god, he doesn’t want to be petty but that struck a nerve. he wants to storm out of the house and look for you, beg on his knees for you to take him back.

“aish, hyung, you’re driving me crazy! why would you tell me that? are we torturing each other?!”

“are you crying? yah, jungkook-ah.” taehyung watches his hunched figure with a guilty wince, hesitant hands rubbing the expanse of his back. “i’m sorry- i’m sorry… do you want a hug?”

jungkook stays quiet, head hanging low to hide his face crumpling with anguish. the loose but affectionate hug that he gets pulled into prompts him to fall apart, catharsis blossoming in his ribcage and turning his bones into jelly.

he hears obnoxiously loud sniffles, and he abandons taehyung’s shoulder to look at his face. “are you crying, too?”

“stop ruining the moment.” taehyung groans, forcefully pushing down his head again.

namjoon comes out from his bedroom in search for another extension cord, still sipping on the half-empty iced americano he took from the fridge only ten minutes ago. the heartfelt scene on the couch causes him to halt on his tracks. how did they go from playing games to crying together? he silently observes the two members for a moment before deciding to approach them.

“what am i going to do with the two of you?” he grunts, ruffling his hair in frustration. “shall we go out for drinks to disinfect your wounded hearts?”

the mention of alcohol makes them perk up, jungkook’s tearful doe eyes sparkling at the prospect of temporarily erasing the pain that has uncontrollably spread throughout his system. he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you.

“thanks, monie-hyung. i’ll have my appetizer.”

and the iced americano gets snatched away from namjoon’s unsuspecting hand within the blink of an eye.

—

“this is not a barbecue restaurant.” you stare blankly at the orange neon lights spelling out the name of the night club your friends secretly conspired to bring you to.

“___, loosen up! the fastest way to move on is to find someone else. this is the best place for that.” aera turns around from the passenger seat of the taxi, her red lips painting a thrilled smile. “just forget about jungkook. we all knew this shit was going to happen. i’m surprised you even lasted that long!”

“i don’t know what you’re trying to imply but i don’t appreciate your tone.” you warn her with a sharp, threatening look. “and the ‘someone else’ that i found at a bar before turned out to be biggest fucking jerk i’ve ever met. i’m not doing this again.”

“things might be different this ti-” mi-ran aids in persuading you, but it only adds fuel to the fire.

“oh my god! fuck off!” you yell in irritation, aggressively getting off the car and slamming the door shut on their faces.

you never look back, ignoring the shouts of your name and half-assed apologies. you don’t have the slightest idea about where you’re going — your feet have a mind of their own and they chose to go the opposite way of home. this isn’t how you envisioned your night. you just wanted to listen to the sound of the meat grill and complain about life giving you a taste of true love just to cut your tongue with it until you bled. was that too much to ask?

you’re about ninety percent certain that you just lost two of whom you treated to be your closest friends. you think of ah-young, and you briefly consider crashing at your best friend’s band practice, but you’re too exhausted to travel to the other end of the city.

with eleven seconds left in the timer, you cross the street with swift and long strides alongside a crowd consisting mostly of employees wearing the same navy blue uniform. at last, you’re among the bright and lively restaurants, the inviting smell of good food making your stomach sting with hunger.

it’s only taehyung who recognizes you when you unknowingly pass by, almost choking on his glass of somaek, the combination of soju and beer. with his career on the line, he is confident that he can recognize that balenciaga windbreaker anywhere and anytime. meanwhile, instead of talking about you, the youngest is drunkenly reminiscing about the alleged ghost encounters he had in their old dorms. their leader is tragically left to tend to the grill alone. he deeply regrets not dragging any of the older members with them.

“everyone, i think i just saw __-”

a grimace of cluelessness is plastered on taehyung’s face when jungkook claps once, enthusiastically pointing at him as if he just announced something inspiring and life-changing.

“you’re right, you’re right! that’s it! what i’m kind of trying to say here is…” he pauses, facial muscles relaxing into a gloomy expression. he sniffles and rubs his nose, making it a brighter shade of red. “when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.”

none of the other two dares to speak after that, the oddly satisfying sound of meat being grilled and the chattering from other tables occupy the uneasy and heavy silence. instead, they begin filling their own shot glasses with pure soju. namjoon is the first one to spill it down his throat, slamming it on the table before dishing out his phone from his pocket. by this time, all of them are already drunk, double vision blurry and speech a little slurred. they gave up on counting the green bottles and cans of beer a long while ago.

“shit, that was a good metaphor. i need to write that down.”

“namjoon-hyung, he’s crying again!”

jungkook’s head slumps on the table with a thud, hot tears escaping down to his temple as he laments. “i miss her so much. why did i have to break up with her the second we got home? why…? am i so impulsive? what do i do if… if she agrees that we- h-how am i supposed to live with myself after that…? i’m never going to love again.”

they shuffle apprehensively on their seats, but still, they tell jungkook what he needs to hear since he won’t remember tonight’s events, anyway.

that’s not going happen. she just needs some more time. i’m sure she’s missing you too. everything will be okay.

but it’s been almost two weeks of radio silence. their flight is in nine days, drawing nearer and nearer as if it’s purposely taunting jungkook. everyone is thinking the same thing, and everyone is afraid to say it out loud.

—

it’s 7am when his work alarm goes off. with a disgruntled noise, a hungover jungkook drowsily drags himself out of bed, eyes still closed as he swings the bedroom door open.

“oing?” he creates a noise of confusion when his arm bumps against an object. he blinks at the brown paper bag hanging on his doorknob, removing one of the handles to peek at its contents.

he buffers for a moment, staring blankly at his belongings safely tucked inside. there’s his black mini bluetooth speaker, tinted lipbalm, wired earphones, bucket hat, facial cleanser, moisturizer, and shampoo. these are everything he left on top of your study desk and in your bathroom. neatly folded on the side is his windbreaker, which he recalls as clear as daylight, how you reveled in its comfort the last time that you were together. the fabric softener you use has replaced his perfume, the cherry scent forming a rain cloud of nostalgia and longing above his head.

if this is a nightmare, he is begging for somebody, anybody, to break into the room and to bring him someplace where hope is not desolate.

his wounded heart, as his namjoon-hyung described, is experiencing an excruciating pain he never even imagined was possible. he now understands, why the broken heart syndrome is a real thing.

he can’t read you. is this your way of ‘reaching out’? have you kicked him out of your house, out of your life? for good?

the dread of losing you forever is gnawing at his insides. nausea almost succeeds in knocking him off his feet. his brain hisses with static. he panics at the disgustingly familiar sensation brewing in his digestive system, sprinting to the bathroom to spill out his guts.

they say that you don’t realize what you have until you lose it. that early morning, jungkook realizes that he’s only a human being after all.

—

“when did i put that there?”

you’re sorting out your dirty laundry after showering when you notice a tissue paper tucked in the front pocket of your denim jeans. you huff out a sigh, ripping it apart into tiny pieces over the trash bin with raging vexation. you will never understand how men thinks that these kind of stupid tricks are supposed to compel you into seeing them anywhere near attractive and desirable in your eyes. if anything, they make you feel unsafe and if your paths cross again, you will run the other way. great. another person in the lecture room to avoid. just fucking great.

at this point, you want to mockingly laugh at your own misery. just when you thought your day couldn’t possibly get worse, it fucking does.

you tuck yourself in bed by midnight, texting a friend about your joint presentation next week, and then rereading your conversation with namjoon from this morning for the nth time. you’ve been hoping it will shine light on the right path to take, because you’re still lost and hurt.

Namjoon:

he’s been devastated since

can’t this be sorted out?

stuff’s just been overwhelming and honestly i’m as anxious as him

i'm not trying to force you into getting back together with him ofc but please talk for closure atleast..

you’re also my friend. i think you need it too..

you scroll a bit further down afterwards, and your heart drops to your stomach when you see the three dots under the contact name ‘my jungkook’. you click on it as it beckons you to, only to allow time to flow like a river with no sea to kiss, idly watching the bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear. almost everyday, you catch a glimpse of him at the very least, typing a message and never sending it.

the same goes for tonight, it seems.

his silence is torturing you. in the car, in your inbox, in your call history. a person knocks on the door and a part of you foolishly predicts that it’s jungkook not using his copy of the key out of respect.

you succumb to the yearning, heading to your shared media and files that you’ve been actively resisting for more than two weeks… for this exact reason.

you randomly click a video sent by jungkook three months ago.

“i know you’re in class but i’m too excited to show what i got you today!” he beams at the front camera, bunny teeth cutely showing. he picks up the first item from the hotel bed with his free hand. “you already own this book but this one got a different cover, see? it’s hardback? they say it’s a limited edition.”

he eyes it fleetingly, obvious that there is something else he is dying to mention.

“i won’t show it too close. you can look at it when i go home. there’s a little surprise inside.”

he scrunches his nose before teasingly sticking his tongue out.

“and then here we haaave-”

following that, he shows you an adorable fluffy white bunny with red eyes. it occupies more than half the screen, and without a doubt, it is soft and huggable.

“cooky’s new sibling! we found it at a gift shop and hobi-hyung said it looks like me.”

he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.”

in the upcoming seconds, the video is muted except for his breathing. he plops down on the bed while ruffling his dark hair, staring at the camera wordlessly, evocative of when you catch him dreamily watching you study while you’re on a videocall.

“i miss you.” he smiles sadly, deep dimples appearing on his cheeks. “don’t forget to text me when you’re on your way home.”

he drops on his back, the firm mattress breaking his fall.

“mmmwah!“ he kisses the camera, and your screen freezes on the final frame.

the silence in the aftermath is defeaning. you tear your glasses off your face, burying your face in the pillows. you arrive at your final decision then and there. you don’t care. you don’t care. you don’t care anymore. you cannot bear to spend more of your days like this. his things that used to live here might be gone, but you look for him everywhere. you look for his car in the parking lot. you look for his hair when you see flowers. you wait for his name to be called in the coffee shop. on your way home, you linger at the playground where you used to usually meet.

because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to.

with a trembling hand, you press the call button and for the very first time, you beg someone to stay.

—

jungkook’s breathing ceases, heartbeat violently racing in his chest. the ‘chimes’ ringtone tickle his ears, his phone vibrating incessantly in his hands. the two features he specifically customized in your contact settings so he will immediately recognize that it’s you who’s calling.

it’s been four days since you dropped off his things. and here he was, laying on his bed and struggling to find the right words to say because he refuses to believe that this is how it ends. the paper bag is still hanging on the doorknob. he hasn’t touched it since the first time. he doesn’t have the courage to do so.

fuck giving you space. he wants drown himself in you and never come up for air. he’s more than willing to suffer your anger or your coldness. he’s prepared to prove himself worthy of a second chance every second of every day. he wants to occupy half of your desk and half of your closet again. he selfishly wishes to be the first and the last person you fall in love with.

but until the very end, you’re the braver one.

“love?” your voice is quiet, barely audible, but it’s there, and he hears the affectionate term of endearment distinctly. “i’m sorry. i tried, i really did, but i couldn’t do it…”

“baby,” he falters breathlessly, half of him in disbelief, convinced that he has officially lost his goddamn mind and delusion is bleeding into reality.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…”

exploding and breaking apart, jungkook’s heart is a meteor that has entered the planet’s atmosphere, and he doesn’t know where to begin digging for the fragments so he can piece himself together again.

“we are too young and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and i love you too much. you don’t have to protect me… i’ll take my fair share of the responsibility, so just-” he hangs on your every word, and then you pause, your following words eliciting a powerful punch to his gut. “just let me love you and let me learn my lesson the hard way… let’s do that, okay?”

the walls of him room ebbs and flows in like the sea. he rests his forearm over his eyes, his skin gradually dampening with tears. he once promised himself that he would never put you in this position. he should be the one begging for forgiveness, repenting and crawling on his knees. but rather than wasting his time with surfing through another tsunami of self-blame, he reminds himself: i want to be a better man.

“okay, baby. let’s do that, hmm? let’s do that. it’s what i want too.” he coos softly with a hoarse voice. “are you at your apartment?”

you hum in confirmation, sniffling. “come home.”

—

a half-naked jungkook abruptly opens the door to yoongi’s room, wearing gray sweatpants with his left arm awkwardly inserted in one of the black t-shirt’s armhole.

“hyung! can i borrow your car? mine’s getting a check-up.”

yoongi tears his eyes away from the computer, hanging the black headphones on the nape of his neck. he merely shrugs before throwing the car key, and jungkook catches it in one hand with ease.

he sighs in relief, politely bowing his upper body to express his gratitude. “thank you, hyung.”

“what are you doing?!” yoongi half-smiles with fondness, jokingly waving him off. “just go- go. leave!”

—

jungkook nervously stands before your front door, head woozy with anticipation and fear. what if things have changed? what if your relationship never goes back to the way it was?

“oh. you’re back together?”

he whips his head back to find your neighbor arriving home from his part-time job. huh, he just realized that he has never really learned what his name is. the only information he has on him is that his sister owns a bee farm.

“how did you even know?” he asks with knitted eyebrows. “you haven’t been giving out honey again, have you?”

“she only accepted it once.” the stranger puts his arms up in surrender with a roll of his eyes. “and don’t make her cry again, will you? she blasts sad songs late at night.”

and with an unpleasantly forceful shut of the door, jungkook is left alone in the hallway. his jaw clenches as he glares at the next apartment, but he rubs his face to release his frustration before he goes to meet you.

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat.

he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room. a faint orange light is seeping under the gap between the floor and the bedroom door, which he recognizes to be your favorite mode on your multi-colored nightstand lamp. he cautiously cracks the door open, and he is instantly greeted by your curled up figure, peacefully sleeping.

it’s muscle memory when he hangs his backpack on the backrest of your study chair before anything else. he also brought the paper bag you sent, putting it down on the floor.

he squats down infront of you, lightly prying away the phone you’re hugging to your chest and placing the device on the bedside table. the light is shining over your skin, and there are a thousand of photos and videos organized into the most treasured folder in his gallery, but not a single one of them will ever do you justice.

god, he missed you so much. it hasn’t been two years, but the life he had before he met you feels like an extremely distant memory.

he sighs, talking in hopes that he appears in your dreams. “how do you do this? you make it impossible not to love you.”

he unconsciously frowns at the sight of your puffy eyes. never again. never again. never again. he chants inside his head. he plants a kiss on each of your eyelids, taking his time to bask in the feeling of your weight under his lips.

he climbs on the opposite side of the bed, tucking you underneath the blanket before securely holding you from behind with his thigh hanging over yours. the warmth of your body and the scent of your shampoo cures the headache that’s been bothering him the whole day. he drifts off to sleep soon after.

—

the feather-light brushes through the silky locks of his hair pulls him out of his slumber half an hour later. he can make out your silhouette through his half-open eyes, the little-mermaid-like scene feels too vivid for a dream.

“why didn’t you wake me up?” you whine, sulking with a pout.

“i’m sorry.” he answers quietly, sitting up to engulf you in a tight embrace as endless apologies tumble from his tongue. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i gave up. i’m sorry that i hurt you. i’m so sorry… are you angry at me?”

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.”

he has an arm wrapped around your waist, his other hand firmly holding the back of your head. it’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s so reassuring to feel that he doesn’t want to let you out of his embrace. because you hated it — hated how it felt like letting you go was so easy.

“i regret everything. i’m sorry.” he whispers, concealing his tears by nuzzling his face on your neck. “and you’re not a burden. that’s not true.”

he knows that you mean your every word, so he lifts up his head to gaze directly into your eyes, showing that he is as sincere and true to his.

“from now on, all i’ll think about is what i can do to make you happy and safe without compromising our relationship… i’ll do better. i’ll love you better. i promise that i’ll be stronger for us. i won’t make the same mistake twice.”

you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?

taking glimpses at the past, you should’ve been reminding him of these affirmations everyday.

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.”

jungkook feels so safe at home. he doesn’t remember what he was so worried of anymore.

“and you know what? if you really see it that way, then i’m telling you now. i want to waste my time on you. you can’t stop me.” your threatening eyes widen in conviction, provoking a sheepish smile to tug at the corners of his lips. “i always get what i want.”

“and you want me?” he innocently points at himself.

“love you.”

“i love you.” he replies, nosing at your neck before leaving a chaste kiss on your skin. “so much.”

“then put yourself in my shoes.” you hum, combing his hair with your fingers, lightly tugging to initiate eye-contact. “i want to take care of you just like how you want to take care of me. i think we have something rare and beautiful…” you pause, self-conscious about coming across as too needy now that you’re face-to-face, but an epiphany shatters your apprehension with a bow and an arrow.

this is what he needed to hear from you that day.

“so stay with me.”

jungkook’s vision becomes unfocused. he’s speechless; the only sound in the room is the humming of the airconditioner, but it’s almost as if you can hear the gears of his brain working their hardest. the pain that glossed his enchanting doe eyes has been replaced with a devotion you’ve never seen expressed so passionately in them before.

“all the time i own is yours.” he declares, cupping your face, the pad of his thumb daintily stroking your cheek. “all of it. we can do anything you want to do. let me make it up to you.”

“anything?” your face lights up with joy and mischief, and the butterflies in jungkook’s stomach come alive. he wants to make it his life’s mission to make you smile everyday; and that, he will do. “then i want you to kiss me.”

the sultriness of your enticing voice makes him go haywire. it’s been too damn long. he has forgotten what it feels like to kiss you. he slowly inches closer, his lips brushing against your lips before he pulls you in deeper, a fervent display of his yearning and apologies. he swallows the needy moan that escapes you as he slowly lays you down on the mattress, stripping off his shirt and mindlessly tossing it somewhere when you impatiently tug at it with another whimper. you cage his face in your hands, bringing back his lips on yours as if he’s the air that you breathe.

he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons.

he sneaks under your shirt, fingertips teasingly exploring your skin as if he’s drawing a map. he feels you quiver when he finally reaches your chest, gently kneading the soft flesh in his palm. this makes you mewl in pleasure, arching your back as your hand unconsciously curls around his wrist, the cotton fabric separating the two of you. the action electrifies jungkook, makes him lose himself a little more, which he didn’t think was still possible.

“touch me, please- jungkook. need you-” you choke out a desperate whimper, nearly sobbing as you guide his hand between your thighs. you can’t bear to spend another second untouched; the last time you made love feels like an eternity ago. he slips past the waistband of your underwear, the only article of clothing you’re wearing below. but to your disappointment, he gently caresses your hip bone instead of dipping his long fingers into your wetness.

“shh, hold on, baby-” he forces himself to break away from the kiss, swollen and red lips glistening with spit. “baby, look at me. you didn’t drink, right? i don’t want to take advantage.”

you gape at him with your chest heaving up and down, dumbfounded. “how could you even think of that right now?”

his eyes widen in panic, worried that he might’ve offended you. “no, no, no-” his palms skim your thighs, guiding them to wrap around his slim waist. you gasp when he presses up on you and his hard length rubs on your folds, sending jolts of electricity up your spine. a gush of arousal dampens the thin material covering your center.

“i want you so fucking bad that it hurts.” he gingerly wipes away the tears that you didn’t even notice streamed down to your temples. you can’t remember the last time you cried before today, they must’ve gotten tired of asking for your permission. “but you were crying when you called, baby. i had to make sure.”

“oh, my boyfriend is such a gentleman.” you muse dreamily. pepper his face with delicate kisses, lips curving upward with an adoring smile. “look at him enjoying my kisses.”

you playfully squeeze his cheeks together, making his pillowy lips pucker.

“you really wanted to break up with me in this case, huh? you wanted to live without me and my kisses? no way.”

his eyelids flutter open, and he shakes his head as he dips down to kiss you. “it was hell without you…” his teeth captures your bottom lip, nipping at the supple flesh. “going to build a life with you. i’ll build furniture, and they’re going to be ours.”

“good. you better.” your high-pitched giggles bounce off the walls as his lips trail down to your neck, licking a bold stripe over your ticklish spots. “i don’t have the patience for it, but i’ll be your trusty assistant.”

it’s ridiculous, how even the sound of your laughter turns him on even more.

—

jungkook learned that you finished your exams yesterday, having spent majority of the past two weeks pulling all-nighters to prepare for them. you seem to be confident about the results, the way you talked about it without concern. he never once doubted that you’re resolute and persevering, but acing your exams in the middle of a breakup is beyond what he can digest. it must’ve been a grueling experience, he can only imagine.

he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead, and then your lips, before dragging the blanket higher over your naked figure, a thicker one he brought out from the cabinet. poor thing, you fell asleep on his lap while he was drying your hair, incoherently murmuring about how tired you are.

he walks to your study space, fixing the loosening towel wrapped around his waist. one by one, he pulls out the items from the paper bag, returning them to their old places on your desk. he toothily grins at the windbreaker, ecstatic due to his plan on wearing it at work today. he wants to give it back to you smelling like him again.

an index card lands on the ground when he unfolds it, making him peer down in curiosity.

“what’s this?” he mumbles, bending down to pick it up.

jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar.

These are only a few of many. Why is this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? I’m usually the more logical one. Was it really so bad that we weren’t going anywhere?

and messily crossed out at the end,

I miss you.

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask / dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

—

[tsuyalovebot]

oh my fucking gAWDDDD !!!!

aAUGH i literally just got home after a long trip, been so tired recently w this one shit professor so coming on here and being BLESSED with one of cat's chapters for lda is honestly? a saving grace.

ahem. clears throat

this chapter was scrumptious. no deadass it scratched an itch in my brain that i didn't even know existed, it had to have been hiding in some tiny crevice that i've never EVER been aware of... this entire series as a matter of fact has been a joy to consume and follow. i still remember curiously going into the first chapter aw

maybe it's the cathartic feeling of finally bearing witness to raw intimacy after suffering through a neverending amount of angst—angst and agony that was delivered ASAP with free shipping vouchers to my brain's front doorstep 😭 but goodness me, i loved this chapter. ik at the end cat mentioned it being the hardest to write and honestly? you did amazing!!

it was a stark tone shift especially from other chapters but it was so lovely to finally see such interactions in a stripped down, sexual setting (after god knows how much pining and tension), as well as rindou and reader's conversation in the kitchen. the light banter, the i-love-yous, and the general sugary atmosphere of this chapter genuinely made me wanna cry. bc reader's line from the previous chapter still haunts me, with her admitting that ran and rin had always been her final goal. like shit, this would have been them if the world around them wasn't so fucked. a case of what-ifs and what could have been.

also that mention of hanma. i do not trust it naur i do not trust it whatsoever naur naur naur 🥲 something terrible is gonna happen and I AM NOT MENTALLY STRONG ENOUGH!!! says the psych major

the smut part made me want to vomit all my guts out and sacrifice my organs as a thank-you to the deity who encouraged my birth in the world. i would like to be in a haitani sandwich. i would, in fact, love to be handled like a ragdoll between them until i literally babble when ran says "i love you." aaa AAAA THE WAY I WENT 🫣🤭 WHEN RAN ASKED IF READER EVER DREAMT ABOUT THEM?

i cannot w myself i visited like 3 chapels today as part of tradition, since today is my dad's birthday. 😭 what a crazy way to end my day omg? not complaining though because lda >>>> my life problems

the flashback :((((( it really ties back to all the other chapters. the promises of keeping contact, calling daily. and the dynamic between the three of them? super super bittersweet and that's what's so good about it. the contrast of the flashback dialogue to the present-time dialogue was like a slap of "oh my god this is actually happening despite everything before"

reader and rindou having a soft moment in the kitchen eueueueueuue i cannot describe my happiness or else i will actually vomit violently from the emotions bubbling in my stomach.. the gut wrenching yelling between them last chapter, him interrupting ran and reader the first time, the auction, and the penthouse when reader texted for him to come. finally seeing these two blossom brings me a disgustingly sweet joy that my teeth are rotting from rapid decay

it's saddening to think that lda is almost done? only a couple more chapters left + epilogue and i think this chapter had the final flashback, iirc from one of cat's posts. i could be mistaken tho bc it's currently 10 PM and i don't trust my sleep deprived brain <//3

this chapter destroyed the walls i built extremely high so i will be rereading the other lda chapters while anticipating the next update, why? in order to rebuild said walls aha,, i was alr baited and ruined in the best but worst emotional way possible by happiest year... a girl's gotta protect herself 🥹🥹

okay that's all i think my late night brain regurgitated enough.. i hope at least some of it is coherent to read. signing off tonight with a smile on my face and happy chemicals in my brain

LITTLE DARK AGE

haitani ran x fem!reader x haitani rindou

summary: eight years later, you finally return to tokyo and find yourself caught in the middle of a violent gang war between the two most ruthless criminal organizations of tokyo’s underworld, forced to choose between blood and love.

genre: bonten timeskip, angst, forbidden romance, childhood friends -> strangers -> lovers, 18+ MDNI

warnings: fem!reader, gang violence, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, explicit smut, polyamory, profanity, MCD, unedited, MTBA

chapter warnings: explicit smut, threesome, oral (m->f), unprotected sex, sub!reader, rindou a lil rough, neither of them can shut their mouths, dumbification

previous chapter -> masterlist -> next chapter

CHAPTER ⅩⅣ. MY ATLANTIS

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER. 

They weren’t supposed to be here. You specifically had not told them when your flight was to avoid this confrontation, you had successfully evaded them for the past two days--since you had told them what you were planning to do--you had thought you had done it, that you had managed to escape Tokyo without having to face them. No matter how much you would have regretted it later, it wasn’t worth risking them convincing you to stay.

And you knew they would be able to if given the chance.

“Hey! We said ‘hold on,’” Ran’s voice was loud, sharp and even though you knew you should keep moving forward, away from them, your body refused to cooperate. You stopped still midstep in the large entrance of the airport, your chest felt heavy and your breath was slow. Everything around you started tunneling. 

You could hear them approaching you from behind, everything except their footsteps and the muttered curses sounded dull and muted. Run, you told yourself, your body was tense, all fight or flight were activated as they drew closer. Run, they won't be able to chase you through security. 

But you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Your feet were glued to the ground and by the time you thought you would be able to bring yourself to move, a hand was already wrapped tight around your wrist, tugging you around. You turned your gaze to the ground, staring at two familiar pairs of shoes in front of you. 

“Well I don’t blame you for not being able to look at us,” Ran said spitefully, his voice somehow both soothing and grating to your ears at the same time, “but I think we deserve to be fully acknowledged, don’t you?”

You tore your gaze up from the floor, reluctantly looking up at them. Your eyes met Ran’s first, catching sight of the livid look in his eyes and the way his jaw was clenched tight. Your gaze darted away, but looking at Rindou was no better--instead of anger, you were faced with a sort of hurt expression that you weren’t quite sure you had ever seen on his face before. 

Guilt weighed heavy on your chest, you felt as if the weight of the sky had been thrown onto your shoulders. Your lips parted to speak but you weren’t even sure what you wanted to say, so you ended up letting out a soft sigh and pressing your lips together again. Ran scoffed, as if he had been expecting you to do that.

“What the fuck, y/n?” Rindou spoke quieter, not as angry as Ran was. You could hear the way it cracked and you could hear the way he strained to get his words out.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” you finally said, ignoring the fury that washed across Ran’s face at your words. “I told you I’d keep in touch.”

“You don’t know what the big deal is?” Ran hissed as he took another step toward you and your feet wouldn’t cooperate to move away from him, only able to tilt your face up to look up at him. “You only told us what was happening two fucking days ago, and then you avoided us every time we tried to talk to you. You weren’t even going to let us say goodbye.”

You swore the words hit you like knives to the chest. It’s for the best, you tried to convince yourself even though you knew damn well deep down that you were wrong. 

They would have convinced you to stay, the stubborn part of you screamed at the part that wavered under Ran’s words. You know that. Your family. Izana. Mucho. Mister Botan. Nearly Terano. 

Who would be next?

You couldn’t risk it. You couldn’t risk it. 

It was only a matter of time before someone else died, and you wouldn’t let it be them. You had to leave--your uncle had given you two options, attend university to jumpstart the process of your own company or wait to inherit Izanagi. You had to start standing on your own two feet. You had to. Until you were confident that you’d be able to protect them without your uncle’s help, it wasn’t safe for you to be around.

Because even if the curse wasn’t real, you were still a real danger to them. Your uncle was neck deep in Tokyo’s underworld, he made tons of enemies abroad with his aggressive expansionist strategy for Izanagi--you had been targeted just a few months ago as a means to get to him and you couldn’t let Rindou and Ran get caught in the crossfire of that. 

And they wouldn’t understand. You knew they wouldn’t understand. They’d never understand because they didn’t care about their own safety when it came to yours, they’d throw themselves on the blade for you at any given second if it meant you would be safe and you couldn’t let them do that.

They’d tell you to stay, they’d tell you that inheriting Izanagi from your uncle was the best move if it meant that the three of you got to stick together. They’d tell you ‘fuck the danger, we can take anything together’ but you knew you couldn’t. They didn’t even know half of the danger that came along with you and your uncle, and they didn’t understand that just being big delinquents on the streets of Roppongi was not the same as dealing with the ruthless business tycoons and oligarchs that could order their deaths with a wave of their hand and pocket change. 

You didn’t even fully understand it yet, your uncle never was honest when you questioned him about it, he gave you non-answers or diversions, telling you to focus on building a foundation for your company before anything else. 

You couldn’t risk it. You were doing what was right.

“You guys would have tried to convince me to stay,” you finally said, and you hated how your voice cracked, and how you still couldn’t meet either of their eyes. You hated even more how Ran noticed and how his hand shot out to curl around your jaw, tilting your face up to force you to look him in the eye.

“Of course, we would have,” Ran snapped, “We don’t want you to fucking leave-”

“I can’t let you guys hold me back,” your voice was loud as you interrupted him. Ran drew back as if he had been slapped, his hand dropping from your face. Rindou’s lips parted. Your heart sank from your chest to your feet, the air around you felt suffocating. You could feel the eyes of strangers on the three of you, judging. You wanted to swallow your own tongue, you wanted the ground to eat you whole.

“I didn’t mean that,” you said, voice little over a breath as you shook your head, “I didn’t mean that.”

Ran let out a shaky breath, nodding as he took a step away from you, “Yeah,” he agreed, “I bet you didn’t.”

Ran was now the one that couldn’t meet your eyes and your gaze swiveled to Rindou desperately, “Rin,” you tried but Rindou refused to look at you, staring down at the ground in front of him.

“Flight 404 to Munich will begin boarding in thirty minutes,” a woman said over the speakers, the words making your ears ring.

“You should go,” Rindou finally said, “That’s your flight, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” Ran spoke as if he was trying to be snide and snappy, but you could tell it was only to try to cover the way your words had struck deep. You could see the hurt swimming in his eyes, the way he swallowed thickly. You could hear the underlying pain in his voice. “Wouldn’t want us to hold you back.”

You shook your head, you could feel tears pooling in your eyes and you tried to force them away because you knew you had no right to cry, “I didn’t mean it like that,” you said again, “I-I have to do this. You don’t understand-”

“Of course, we don’t understand,” Rindou’s voice was sharper than it had ever been with you, your throat squeezed, “We don’t understand because you don’t fuckin’ tell us anything anymore. Help us understand, we want to understand.”

Rindou stared at you, waiting for you to say something but when you stayed silent, he only scoffed. But what the fuck were you supposed to say to them? How could you make them understand that you were doing this for them? For Izana? For the rest of your friends? They would never be able to come to terms with you doing this on your own but you knew them being with you and trying to help would only make things harder on you. 

If you did this alone, you would get it done faster--you’d be able to be with them, and be happy again, sooner. There would be fewer risks to consider, less things for people to try to use against you. 

You would get back to them faster. You were doing the right thing.

“Yeah,” Rindou said when you didn’t speak, sharing a look with Ran that only the two of them could decipher. “That’s what I thought.”

“I-I’m going to school,” you said, and you knew you had to leave. You couldn’t miss your flight, but you didn’t want to leave them--not like this. Why the fuck did they come? “I’m going to school, and when I’m at school, I’m going to be setting up my company. Once everything is settled, I’ll come back--or I’ll even bring you there with me, show you everything. I promise.”

“Why can’t you do that here?” Rindou demanded, taking a step closer to you, “Why the fuck do you have to go across the world to do that?”

“That-” That wasn’t your choice, that was your uncle’s, he was adamant about you going to a foreign university, and he was refusing to help you if you didn’t. And you had a feeling that he wanted you to go across the world to do it because he knew damn well that Rindou and Ran would be distractions. “My uncle-”

“Of course,” Rindou shook his head, there was a smile on his lips that didn’t meet his eyes, “Of fucking course.”

“Stop it,” you said, voice cracking, “I didn’t want this to happen-”

“This was your choice,” Rindou hissed, leaning in so close that it had you dizzy, “Your fucking choice, don’t talk about how you didn’t want this to happen. You chose this.”

“I don’t want to fight,” you said loudly, “I don’t want to fight, why can’t you just believe me when I say I’m doing what’s best? When have I ever-”

“Lied to us? A lot,” Rindou said dryly, and you flinched back.

“When have I ever let you guys down?” you finished quietly and the anger on Rindou’s face faded as he looked back at Ran again, “Please just trust me.”

Neither of them spoke, and you let out another shaky breath, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment to try to push away the tears. Did they not trust you anymore?

Could you blame them?

But then Rindou’s shoulders dropped, he looked away, and you knew he had given in and this time you couldn’t blink back the tears. You let your bag drop to the floor as you moved toward the two of them, burying your face in Rindou’s chest and wrapping your arms around his waist. Neither of them reacted for a moment until you felt Rindou’s hand come up to hold the back of your head, cradling it to his chest, and you bit back a sob as your arms tightened around his waist, trying to bask in his warmth for as long as you could. 

“You promise?” Ran’s voice was hoarse as he finally spoke. You nodded against Rindou but Ran only spoke up again, “Say it.”

“I promise,” you agreed, “I promise, I promise as soon as I can I’ll bring you there with me, I promise.”

Ran inhaled deeply through his nose before tugging you toward him and your arms dropped from Rindou as you flung yourself at Ran, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. He pressed his face into your neck and you tried to ignore how his lashes were wet against your skin. 

“I’m going to miss you guys so much,” you took in a wet breath, body trembling, “So much, so much.”

You could stay there forever wrapped up in their arms--you didn’t care that people were around watching, you didn’t care that this would get back to your uncle and he would be irritated at your little display of emotion, all you cared about was them, and being with them, staying with them. 

You didn’t want to leave. 

“Flight 404 to Munich will begin boarding in twenty minutes.”

The words felt like knives scraping down your bones, dragging you right back to reality. Ran’s arms dropped from around your waist and your feet touched the ground again, standing in front of them. You wiped away the tears as best as you could.

“You’ll call?” Rindou asked quietly, and you dragged your gaze up to meet his, catching the reluctance and the longing thinly veiled beneath his eyes.

“Every day,” you promised, nodding frantically, “Every day.”

“... and you won’t forget about us?” there was something vulnerable in Ran’s voice that you had never quite heard before from him, even with all the years you spent with them. You looked up at him, violet eyes meeting yours, and you shook your head.

“Never,” you said, “Never in a million years. I could never forget about you guys.”

He let out a breath that you didn’t even notice he was holding, nodding his head toward security. “You better go,” he said quietly, “Still gotta get through security.”

And you knew you had to, but you couldn’t get your feet to cooperate, they felt glued to the ground in front of them. “I-I’ll call you while we’re boarding. And when I land. And when I get to campus. And-”

“We get it,” Ran’s lips pulled up into a small smile for the first time in days, weeks maybe. “Go.”

Your fingers trembled at your side, you wrapped your arms around your torso, “I love you guys,” you said, “It’s gonna suck without you.”

Ran glanced back down at the ground.

“We love you too,” Rindou murmured, a strange tone to his voice, “you’ve gotta go. You’re going to miss your flight.”

You nodded, you knew he was right, and it took all your will power to turn around and pick up the bag you dropped. You stood there for a moment, facing the short line to security. And you debated turning back around, taking one last look.

You won’t leave. You knew if you turned around you’d see them standing there, and you knew it was only a matter of time before that strong facade the two of them put up would crumble, and you knew if you saw you wouldn’t be going anywhere, you’d run right back into their arms. 

You shut your eyes briefly before walking toward security, trying your best to take even breaths in and out, trying your best to keep your shoulders from shaking. 

One foot in front of the other, you got this, you thought to yourself as you placed your bag on top of the baggage scanner. You stood there for a moment, lost in your own thoughts until the airport security called out to you sharply, waving you over to the metal detector. 

One foot in front of the other. 

You were doing what was best. 

This was only temporary.

But you couldn’t stop the dark, heavy feeling from settling over you with each step you took away from them. A sort of foreboding feeling that made you think that things would not be as simple as you wanted them to be.

---

PRESENT.  

Relentless. They were absolutely relentless and you could not keep up. Even having expected this from them, it still didn’t prepare you for actually trying to deal with them. They barely even gave you time to speak--one of them would lean in close and ask a question, and the other would hop on top of it to badger you with even more.

“Aw, that’s so adorable, you’ve liked us for that long?”

“Who did you like first? I bet it was me.”

“It was Rindou, wasn’t it? I caught you drooling over him once.”  

“No shit, did you really?”

“He did not-”

“I did, do you remember that night we dragged her to Maharaja?”

“Ran-”

“Really? That night?”

“Mhm.”

“Have you ever had dreams about us?”

You shot Ran a weird look, "Of course I've dreamt about you guys," you said, not entirely sure of what he was getting out, "Don't be stupid."

"No, no," Rindou snorted behind you as Ran spoke. "That's not what I meant."

You stared ahead blankly for a moment, trying to figure out what the question hidden behind his words was, and as soon as it hit you, you swore you wanted to sink into the bed and disappear--the two of them laughing once they realized you had put it together.

You felt like you were on fire as you turned your head to the side to look at Ran, not sure you had heard him correctly, which was evidently a mistake considering how close he was leaning to you. Your breath caught as you tried to lean back away from him but his eyes were alight with a sort of mischief that you hadn’t seen in years as he followed you, unperturbed, only leaning in closer.

His lips were barely a hair’s width from yours and you couldn’t breathe, and you couldn’t move any further back because you had scrambled right back into Rindou, who wrapped an arm loosely around your waist to hold you still. Your eyes flickered down to Ran’s lips, watching as they slowly curled up into a smile that had your blood running hot.

“We’re just curious,” Rindou murmured, and a shiver shot down your spine when his lips brushed your ear, “C’mon, the least you can do is entertain us, yeah?”

And you really stuck between a rock and a hard place because of course you had, you couldn’t control what you dreamt of at night and you had been attracted to them--if you lied, they would know anyway because you knew damn well they’d be able to read right through you. And that would only make it worse on you for trying to hide it from them.

Why were they like this? You wanted to grab them both by the shoulders and shake them, rattle their tiny brains inside their head until they see sense. Now was not the time to be fucking around, now was not the time to be trying to get you flustered and unfooted but you knew from the way they kept sharing looks with each other that they wouldn’t listen. 

“Should we take the silence as a yes, Rindou?” Ran almost giggled as he tilted his head to the side, letting his lips graze your jaw.

“If she’s not gonna admit it, I say we just leave her like this.” Your head snapped to the side at Rindou’s words, eyes meeting his. He raised his eyebrows mockingly, “What? You don’t want that?”

Ran snickered and your breath caught as his lips finally pressed firmly against the underside of your jaw, lips dragging down your neck--slow, wet, heavy--it felt like he was leaving a trail of burns in his wake with each kiss and you just couldn’t think straight. They should not have this much of an effect over you, it was just Rindou and Ran but as you tried to shake your head and tell them just how ridiculous they were being, Rindou’s hands slid down your body, the pads of his fingers pressing against your inner thigh, nudging your thighs apart. 

“Rindou-” you gasped, looking back at him again but you faltered when you noticed the grin on his lips and the way his eyes were lit up. “We shouldn’t, not now-”

You felt Ran’s hand come up to your face as he pulled away from your neck, cupping your cheek softly and forcing you to look at him. His face was more serious than it was previously, and you couldn’t help but hesitate. 

“Relax,” he murmured. “You’re right, and we know we’re not safe yet, but we are right now, even if not for long. This might be our only chance.”

You swallowed thickly, “Don’t say that,” you said quietly, “There’ll be plenty-”

“You know as well as we do that there are no assurances in our line of work, especially in situations like this. For all we know tomorrow we’ll be back on the run,” and your throat felt dry because you knew Ran was right. “We’ve gotta take advantage of moments like this.”

Rindou and Ran shared a look over your shoulder, and you shut your eyes, trying to figure out what to do. You wanted them you’ve always fucking wanted them, but you were scared. And you weren’t even sure why you were scared. They wanted you, you wanted them, it’s something that all of you had wanted for so fucking long and Ran was right, your futures were still uncertain--tonight you were safe, tomorrow might not bring the same assurances. 

With that thought in mind and shaky fingers, you leaned in to press your lips against Ran’s again. Ran let out a surprised hum against yours as if he hadn’t been expecting you to give in that easy, hand sliding down to cup your neck, fingers intertwined with your hair. You brought your own hand down to where Rindou’s was resting on your thigh, moving it back to where it had been on your inner thigh.

Your hands slid up to rest on Ran’s shoulders, nails digging into his skin as he pressed closer to you, tongue darting out to swipe against your bottom lip. Your lips parted on instinct for him, eyes fluttering shut as he pushed his tongue into your mouth, pressing down on yours.

You let out a soft moan into his mouth as Rindou’s fingers slipped down even further, pressing against your clothed cunt before you felt him grab your hips, smiling against your neck. 

“Ran,” he said, and Ran pulled back and you tried to follow him but you faltered, yelping as Rindou lifted your hips off the bed, giving Ran the room to slide your pants off your body before placing you back down on the bed between his legs. You tried to snap your thighs together but Rindou’s hands were back on your thighs in an instant, keeping them spread open. 

“Rin,” you said sharply, eyes wide.

“Relax,” Rindou echoed Ran’s words, and your breath caught as Ran dipped down lower between your legs, soft strands of hair brushing your inner thighs. “Hurry up or we’re switching places.”

“Shut up,” Ran murmured, “wanna take my time with her.”

You swore your heart was in your throat as you watched him, nose grazing the thin cloth of your panties as he pressed a kiss to your inner thigh, Rindou’s fingers digging into your skin to keep you in place. 

“Yeah, well, I want a taste too,” Rindou’s voice was irritated, muffled against your skin.

Ran rolled his eyes, “You’ll get your taste, stop bitchin’.”

They spoke to each other as if you weren’t there and it was pissing you off but every time you tried to move, or say something, Rindou’s grip would just tighten and they would speak over you. 

“Stop fucking around,” you snapped, getting fed up. 

Ran and Rindou both went quiet, Ran looked up at you through his lashes, violet eyes dark and lidded, “You’re so impatient,” he chided. “... Have half a mind not to give you what you want.”

Your scowl deepened, “Then don’t,” you challenged, staring down at Ran, who met your gaze, eyes just as heated as yours were. 

After a moment, he scoffed, tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek before he shook his head, letting out a huff of laughter. “You’re a piece of work,” he muttered before his jaw clenched tight as he all but ripped your panties down off your legs.

Your eyes shot open in surprise, instinctively trying to shut your legs again but Rindou was once again prying them open and his grip was too strong for you to try to fight against it. Your face was hot in embarrassment as Ran eyed your now bare cunt intently, as if trying to figure out what exactly he wanted to do.

“Ran,” your voice was weaker now, it edged on pleading. You hated it. “Stop lookin’ at me like that.”

“I’ll look at you however I want to, thought you wanted me to stop fucking around,” Ran responded immediately, not drawing his eyes up in the slightest. “You’ve got the prettiest pussy, I knew you would. Imagined it all the time.”

Rindou rested his chin on your shoulder, looking down to watch as Ran’s fingers brushed your cunt, gathering some slick before rubbing a feather-light circle over your clit. Your body shuddered in response to the touch, hips trying to jerk up against his hand.

Rindou hummed softly at the way your body reacted before one of his hands slid to your chin, turning your face to his to press his lips to yours. His hand shifted to your neck, holding it firmly as he deepened the kiss, teeth nearly clashing against yours. 

His kiss was different from Ran’s--a bit rougher but just as intense, one of your hands came up to grasp the wrist of the hand wrapped around your neck. His grip tightened as you tried to pull back to breathe, keeping you in place. You felt dizzy, and you weren’t sure if it was because you weren’t getting any air to your lungs or if it were just because of the situation. 

Maybe both, you realized, inhaling sharply as Ran finally ducked his head down between your legs. You tensed, whimpering against Rindou’s lips as Ran licked a long stripe between your folds, the tip of his tongue swirling around your clit before he pulled back again.

“Taste as good as I imagined too,” you could practically hear the wolfish grin on his face as he spoke before he dove right back between your legs, large hands curling around your thighs to keep your legs spread as Rindou let go of your other leg, letting his hand slide up your body beneath your shirt, palming one of your breasts in his hand as his lips left yours to start trailing down your neck.

Your jaw went half-slack as Ran buried his face in your cunt, nose nudging your clit as he dragged his tongue along your slit. Your free hand flew to your mouth, trying to hold back the cry that almost escaped your lips but Ran let go of one of your thighs to grab your wrist, pinning it down to the bed next to you.

Your hips instinctively tried to grind up against his face, thighs squeezing his head, but Ran brought his forearm down on your lower stomach in response, pinning your hips from moving.

“Don’t hide from us,” Rindou murmured against your skin, and your eyes fluttered shut as his teeth grazed your skin before he bit down, pulling a moan from your throat. “Gonna make you feel good.”

A broken gasp escaped your lips as Ran let out a low groan against your cunt, your eyes shot open as you tried to calm your erratic breathing. Ran was undeterred even as you tried to squirm away again, the pleasure hitting you too hard and too fast for you to control--he pressed his face deeper into your cunt, tongue tracing circles between your folds, flicking over your clit, fucking in and out of you. Through a hazy gaze, you could see the way he was trying to grind his hips against the mattress, desperate for any sort of friction. Rindou’s fingers were pinching gently at your nipples, teeth carelessly biting down against your skin but you could only focus on the rising heat pooling in your lower stomach.

“Ran,” you sobbed--you felt overwhelmed already, you wondered if this was how people felt when they teamed up on their enemies together. They were moving too fast for you to keep up, their hands were everywhere, playing with your body like it was some sort of instrument that only they knew how to play. Your head felt fuzzy and your body was shaking, “Ran, I-”

Rindou bit down again. Hard this time. Your eyes knocked back white for a second, a sharp cry escaping your lips. 

“Pay attention to me,” Rindou said so coldly that it had you reeling, but you couldn’t concentrate with the feeling of Ran between your thighs, playing with your clit with his tongue, the wet, sloppy sounds of him tongue fucking your cunt was all that was running through your head. Rindou’s words went in one ear, out the other and it only made him even more angry. “I said-”

Ran’s teeth grazed your clit as Rindou spoke, and you were sure that he did it on purpose if the huff of laughter he let out was anything to say about it as another loud, high-pitch moan of his name resounded through the room. You reached down with one hand to tug at the short, purple strands of hair--you weren’t sure if you were trying to pull him off or press him closer. 

Everything felt hazy and foggy, you couldn’t tell whose hands were whose, you couldn’t tell what Rindou was saying but you knew he was getting more and more annoyed with each passing second, your vision was blurred with tears and your head felt hot. Your entire body felt like it was on fire and you knew you should be embarrassed by how your moans were becoming increasingly loud, by how your body strained against Ran’s arm, grinding up against his face as you pushed him down even more with your hand, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

Ran’s tongue worked like magic, quick and efficient movements that had you getting pushed to the brink too, too fast. Heat shot through your abdomen, your thighs tensed around his head. You could get addicted, you were sure of it, eyes rolling back as he sucked your clit into his mouth. 

“I’m ‘nna cum,” you cried, “Ran, Ran-“

Rindou’s grip on your waist was borderline painful as your back arched against his chest, body spasming as one last swirl of his tongue around your clit had you spiraling right over the edge. Your thighs tightened around Ran’s head, letting out a loud, shaky cry of his name as you came all over his tongue, body trembling in Rindou’s arms.

You gasped for breath, head spinning as you tried to recover but Rindou did not give you the chance. He hauled you up, forcing you to your hands and knees. Your arms were too shaky to hold yourself up, chest falling flat against the mattress. You turned your head to the side as best as you could, trying to look back at Rindou but he fisted your hair hard, pressing your face back down into the mattress.

“Don’t be so rough with her. It’s not her fault that she couldn’t focus on you. Maybe you should’ve done more,” Ran chided, though he sounded amused as slapped Rindou’s hand off of your head. You felt his hands cup your chin, lifting your face up far more gently than Rindou’s grip had been. His fingers stroked your cheekbone for a moment, and you couldn’t help the way you leaned into his touch, eyes fluttering shut. “You pissed him off,” he murmured, “You know how he gets when he doesn’t get attention--he’s always been sensitive about it.”

“Fuck you, Ran.”

“Huh?” was all you could say as you forced your eyes back open to look at him, brows furrowed as you tried to process what he said but you still felt half-out of it. “R-”

Your voice faltered when you felt the tip of Rindou’s cock nudge against your entrance, a whimper muffled at your lips as he slowly began to push in, your head fell limp again, face resting in Ran’s lap. 

“Oh god,” you gasped. Rindou was big, bigger than anyone else you’d ever slept with, you could feel every inch of him molding your walls. He stretched you out in a way that you’d never been before, your walls burned with each inch he pushed inside you, and you couldn’t tell if it was a sort of burn that hurt or if it was a pleasant one. Your body trembled violently as you tried to adjust to his size. “Oh god, Rin, gimme a sec, gim-”

Rindou did not, in fact, give you a second, and you were sure he did it just to be spiteful, hips snapping against your ass to bury his cock as deep inside you as possible. Your lips parted in a silent cry, face pressed against Ran’s sweats as he stroked your hair gently, as if trying to soothe you. 

You took in a ragged breath, body tense, fingers curling around the sheets as you tried to adjust to his size but Rindou once again did not give you the chance, already drawing his hips back to drive his cock into you. The moan that left your lips was absolutely obscene, nails ripping through the thin sheets, sobbing against Ran. 

He fucked you at a pace that shouldn’t have been possible. Your fingers shook around the sheets, chest heaving but every heavy thrust stole all of the breath from your lungs, each in-and-out of his cock had you reeling, barely able to think straight. Rindou’s fingers dug into your hips, dragging you back to meet every thrust as he fucked you onto him, hitting inside you so deep that you swore it had your vision spotty. You think you’ve cum already, but you aren’t even sure--it certainly felt like you did, your body was shaking in the aftershocks of what seemed to have been an orgasm but you didn’t even remember the build up to it, you didn’t even remember finishing again. 

You tried to look up at Ran, eyes teary, but his gaze were dark and lidded as he watched you, an expression on his face that you couldn’t quite decipher before Rindou was shifting positions.

His hand moved up from your waist to your hair, pulling you up hard and you winced, dizzy, mind numb. His hand dropped from your hair to curl around your neck to hold you up, back pressed against his chest. He didn’t falter in his pace once, hips snapping against yours, the lewd sound of skin slapping on skin, the sloppy sound of his cock bullying deep in your cunt ringing in your ears. Filthy, it was all filthy, you should be embarrassed by the noises escaping your lips, by the way your body was reacting to Rindou, by the way you kept begging for more when he was already giving you all he had. 

He turned your head to the side and pressed his lips against yours, tongues sliding against each others’, teeth clashing. His other hand slid down your body, rubbing circles on your clit, and the moans you were letting out into his mouth were becoming louder, needier, your blood was running hot and your head felt light.

“Feel so fuckin’ good, god, love you s’much,” Rindou groaned against your lips, “C’mon, wanna feel you cum on my cock again.”

And those words were all you needed to send you spiraling again, crying out loud against his lips, body thrashing against his as he held you in place, continued playing with your clit, fucking you through your high. You felt him pull away, leaning his head back to let out a low moan when your walls squeezed and fluttered around him. 

You could feel his hips stutter against yours as your body went limp in his hold, slumping forward, only held up by the hand wrapped around your neck and the other went still rubbing slow circles over your clit. Ran was saying something to Rindou as he spilled his cum deep inside you, filling you up so full that his cum was leaking out of your cunt even with his cock plugging you up. 

You fell unmoving against the bed when Rindou groaned and pulled out of you. Your body shuddered, thighs shaking and cum pooling beneath you as it spilled out of you, making a mess on the bed beneath you. You tried to steady your breath, gather the strength to push up from the puddle of cum to retain some sort of control but you couldn’t find the strength in your limbs to do it. Your arms and legs felt like noodles, your mind wasn’t even fully there. 

“C’mon now,” you heard Ran murmur distantly. “Don’t tap out on us yet.”

You felt an arm wrap around your bicep and in one swift motion, you were pulled on top of Ran. You were unsteady and weak, barely able to hold yourself up but you didn’t need to--instead, two strong hands grabbed you by the waist, holding you up right.

Your vision was dizzy as you looked down at him, his lips crawled up into a slow smirk as he looked up at you through his lashes. You let out a whimper when you felt his cock slide between your folds, slipping against the mess Rindou made of your pussy, lips parting as his tip caught your clit, pressing softly against it.

“Want you to ride me,” Ran said quietly. “Can you do that for me, pretty?”

You felt hot at the pet name and you tried to focus on what he was asking you. Want you to ride me, he had said and you took in a shaky breath, hesitant because you weren’t sure if you could handle another orgasm. Your head and body felt fuzzy, as if you were on the verge of passing out, pins and needles pricking your limbs, breath heavy and slow. They had made you cum too many times, too quick and Ran wanted more. 

“I-I dunn-” you began but, much like his brother, Ran didn’t give you the chance to answer his question, pressing the tip of his cock against your entrance.

“She can take it,” Rindou said, and your eyes were wide as you looked back at him, lips parted to try to snap something at him but whatever words were on your lips died as Ran bucked his hips up, pushing his cock inside of you.

You tried to do as he asked--thighs tense and trembling as you attempted to rock your hips against his, fuck yourself on his cock, but you were slow. It was too slow for you and evidently too slow for Ran if the sharp click of his tongue had anything to say about it. 

His hands came to your waist, fingers pressing into your skin as he took over, too impatient to let you take your pace.

You couldn’t do anything but let Ran do what he wanted, limp and unable to fight back even if you wanted to--almost like a doll for him to use for whatever he wants. Your moans cut off as he bounced you easily on his cock, biceps flexing with each movement--he was longer than Rindou, hitting impossibly deeper, but not as thick. And you knew in the back of your head that you shouldn’t be doing this with him, you could see all the bruises marring his chest and abdomen and you opened your mouth to tell him that but the only thing that escaped your lips was another set of slurred moans.

Your vision was rather blurred and spotty--a part of you wondered again if you were on the verge of passing out because it was really starting to feel like it. Ran didn’t seem to be in pain, head tossed back, lips parted, violet eyes rolled back as he fucked you hard, hips snapping up to meet you with every bounce. Grip tight, borderline painful but the pain didn’t even register, too lost in the feeling of his cock dragging against your walls, still reeling from the three? four? orgasms that you’d already had, the ones that the two of them didn’t even give you a chance to recover from before they were pushing you toward your next.

Your hands were curled weakly around Ran’s forearms, nails scratching at his skin. You were going to cum again, you could feel this one coming fast and strong, you could feel the way your body felt like it was on fire, you could feel the way your body was shaking, the way your vision was going in and out, you could feel the tears spilling down your cheeks, the breathy, gasps of his name--little more than slurred babbles that only spurred him on even more, fucking you harder, faster, moaning your name louder.

You tried to warn him but the high came faster than you expected, mind going blank, vision going white and then dark. You weren’t sure how long you were out of it, everything felt dull and muted except for the feeling of Ran’s cock pistoning in and out of you as he used your body to chase his own release, head lolled to the side, eyes rolled back, jaw slack and you could feel the drool pooling at the corner of your lips as he just kept going, ignoring how you were barely even conscious in his hold to get himself off.

It could have been two minutes, it could have been twenty before you were being laid back on the bed, both Rindou and Ran’s cum leaking out of you profusely, body uncooperative as you tried to move and get yourself comfortable. You weren’t sure how many more times you had cum--too many considering you couldn’t even respond to the soft words they were telling you, your tongue too heavy in your mouth to even think of it.

You barely understood half of what they were saying and if it had been anybody else you were with, you knew you would have been anxious, scared. You hated being put in vulnerable positions--you always had, and that only amplified once you had gotten involved with the shadier side of the world.

You could feel Rindou curled at your side, lips pressed to your temple, while Ran wrapped his arm around your waist. “I love you,” he murmured, and you tried to say it back but the only thing you could let out was an unintelligible babble that had Ran snorting in amusement. You felt a distinct urge to slap him but couldn't raise your hand up from your side. “Go to sleep.”

Your eyes drooped shut at his words, body and mind exhausted and content, happy, in a way that you hadn't been in a long time... in a way that you weren't sure you had ever been, if you were being honest.

You had never had them as wholly and completely as you did in that moment, and it was something you never wanted to end. But as you drifted off to sleep in their arms, you couldn't help the dreadful feeling that began to stir in your stomach as you thought of what the next few days might bring.

----

You woke up tangled up in the sheets with Ran, the blinds had been pulled open--surely by Rindou, who didn’t want to wait hours for the two of you to finally wake up. You scowled as you tried to disentangle yourself from Ran without waking him up, knowing that he needed the rest. 

Your body felt sore and your face felt hot as you recalled what you had done last night with them but you forced yourself to shake your head, pressing a soft kiss against his forehead before stealing his shirt and slipping it on, making your way out of the room toward the kitchen.

You could smell something cooking in there--eggs, you realized and you smiled lightly to yourself when you caught sight of Rindou at the stove, phone pressed to his ear as he spoke to someone on the phone. You leaned against the wall, watching him absently flip the egg, gaze trailing down his chest, following his tattoos until they disappeared beneath his sweats.

“... are you sure? Keep checking in at some of the other safehouses before talking to anyone else, especially-” Rindou cut himself off, finally noticing you. He gave you a small smile before speaking again, “Never mind, I’ll talk to you later.”

Rindou hung up the phone and placed it down on the counter, you made your way over to him, “What was that all about?” you asked quietly, arms slipping around his waist, chin propped up on his chest to look up at him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he responded, ducking his head down to press his lips against yours briefly, “Ran’s still sleeping?” 

“What do you think?” you asked dryly, wondering if you should push or not--but you knew Rindou never liked it and you weren’t sure you wanted to deal with an argument. 

Rindou rolled his eyes, “Of course he is,” he muttered as he plated one of the eggs and passed it over to you before grabbing one for himself. The two of you walked over to the counter, sitting on one of the stools. His gaze drifted over you, watching as you ate a forkful of the eggs. You looked at him suspiciously.

“What?” you asked.

“Nothing,” he said quietly, “If you had told me a few weeks ago we’d be here…” he trailed off, shaking his head, and guilt pooled in your stomach. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him, gaze dropping down to the ground. 

“I know,” he responded and you let out a breath, your chest tight. You knew you didn’t deserve it, but you hoped one day they would forgive you.

The two of you ate in silence for a few moments after that until Rindou finally spoke up again, “How did you even get Ran out of there?” 

“Hanma Shuji,” you said, mind drifting back to the gold-eyed man, wondering what exactly he was up to right now. “His men were supposed to be watching him, he called them off and gave me the time I needed to get Ran out of there.”

Rindou looked surprised, “Hanma?” his brows were furrowed deep in suspicion, “Why? Ran and Hanma hated each other in Tenjiku. Or, Ran hated Hanma at least, and didn’t try to hide it.”

“Really?” you asked curiously, “Why?” You thought about what he said a little more. “Hanma was in Tenjiku with you guys?”

Rindou made a quiet noise of agreement as he took another bite of his eggs. “Yeah, never saw him again after that fight though,” he said, “and I’m not sure. Ran never really got into it, he just said that he had weird vibes and it made him uncomfortable. Ran’s always been pretty good at reading people, so I just went along with it.” 

You frowned, “Weird, I never got off vibes from him. He’s helped me a lot. Saved my life at the auction, he shielded me from the explosion.”

Rindou grinned and nudged you, “You also suck at reading people,” he teased.

You gaped, “I totally do not,” you said, offended, “I-”

You faltered when you remembered what happened after the Munich Incident, with your bodyguard--a phantom pain itched at your back, you slumped, eyeing Rindou, incredibly annoyed. 

“He helped me a lot, when he didn’t have to,” you told him, “I’d trust him if it came down to it.”

Rindou eyed you for a second before nodding, “Okay,” he said, “I trust you.”

Your breath caught at his words--the truth behind them, the way he said it so firmly. You pressed your lips together tight, trying to hide the tremble as you reached down and grabbed his free hand, squeezing it gently. He noticed how much the three words affected you if the soft look on his face had anything to say about it, and he only let out a breath before leaning in and pressing his lips to the top of your head.

“It’ll probably be a week or two before things calm down enough for us all to get out of here,” Rindou said. “We should keep low. Ran and I’ll avoid going to any meetings if Mikey calls them, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to do that. I checked around the safehouse, this place is stocked to last a while so we won’t need to go out and get anything.”

You let out a sigh, “I hate being cooped up,” you murmured, leaning your head on his shoulder. 

You could practically hear the leer in his voice as he spoke, “Mmm, I dunno, I think I’ll enjoy it, gonna get to make good use of that pretty pussy after you deprived us of it for so long.”

You gasped, jabbing his abdomen with your fingers but he didn’t even flinch, snickering to himself as he rose to his feet, picking up both of your plates to bring them over to the sink. You rested your chin on your hand, elbow propped up on the table as you watched him clean the dishes.

“Why didn’t you guys say anything back then?” you asked quietly, watching as Rindou looked back at you over his shoulder. You tried to ignore the way the muscles on his back flexed at the motion. Tried.

“Why didn’t you?” Rindou countered.

Your eyes drew away from him toward a window, a heavy feeling settling over you as you remembered what exactly your mental state was like before you left for Munich. 

“You know why,” you said quietly, avoiding his gaze. 

Rindou let out a breath, shutting off the water and placing the dishes on the drying rack. He stepped around the kitchen to stand in front of you again. He cradled your head to his chest, your eyes fluttered shut as he scratched the back of your head gently, lulling your eyes shut. 

“Ran wanted me to say something,” Rindou said after a moment, and you lifted your head from his chest to look up at him questioningly. Why didn’t you? was on the tip of your tongue, but you didn’t need to voice it, “I knew Ran loved you. I couldn’t.”

“Oh,” you said softly, wondering just how oblivious you had been to both of their feelings. You swallowed thickly, looking away, trying to change the subject, “Um, what do you wanna do? We can-”

“I can think of a few things,” Rindou winked at you, and you rolled your eyes, pushing him back to rise to your feet.

“You’re unbearable,” you muttered.

“You love it,” he shot right back.

“Don’t remind me.”

A smile spread across his lips at your words, nudging you gently with his shoulder, “Movie?” he asked quietly. “Before Ran wakes up and starts whining about food?”

“Sure,” you said after a moment, “What movie?”

You waited for him to offer a movie, but he didn’t. The two of you stood there in silence for a few seconds. Just as he opened his mouth to suggest a movie, you did too.

“The Conjuring?”

“Star Wars?”

Both of you went silent again, expressions going flat as you stared at each other.

“Absolutely fucking not.”

“No way in hell.”

Rindou’s brows furrowed, “It’s my turn to pick,” he snapped, “You made us watch the fucking Exorcist the last time we watched a movie together. I had nightmares for two weeks straight.”

“I don’t give a shit if it’s your turn,” you snapped right back, as relentless as ever, “I’m not watching the Empire Strikes Back for the fiftieth fucking time, Rindou.”

“It’s a good fucking movie,” Rindou responded heatedly, “You don’t even pay attention!” 

“Because I don’t like it! Maybe if you weren’t such a fuckin’ piss baby, you’d enjoy horror movies.”

“Hey! What the fuck did you just call me?” 

“What’re you? Deaf? I know you heard me."

“I’m putting on Star Wars.”

“No, you are not! Get back here, Rindou!” 

"Will you shut up? You're going to wake Ran up."

"Says you!"

—

wordcount: 6.7k

REBLOGS N FEEDBACK HIGHLY APPRECIATED

— pls do not nitpick tiny mistakes or whatever, i’d like feedback on plot/character development. this was the hardest chapter for me to write so far :')

[lllsaslll]

Share your self care!

Thanks for the tag @xxsupervampwolfxx O needed to get my mind off things I just checked the news. Stay indoors everyone! 😣

🌿Favorite Comfort Food

Pasta! Omg I could eat pasta, noodles of any kind really, for every meal for the rest of my life and I think I'd love that! Also ice cream and popcorn are big faves

🌼Favorite Alcohol (or hot drink)

I don't really like to drink, some can be tasty, but honestly I'd rather have fresh squeezed juice, boba teas, or hot cocoa/tea

🌷Favorite relaxing axtivity

Oh so many! Drawing ofc, a nice dog walk when no one else is around, I've fallen even more I love with gardening and watering my plants, pruning them and have even started collecting rainwater and it's my favorite thing right now! I also enjoy reading, organizing things, and other stuff

🌸Favorite fluffy/feel good fic

Are we talking fanfic? Or any fic? Lol lately I've been reading my friends fic of our OCs and that has me vry soft lol I also have a couple manga and other fanfics I return to for cute fluff, it's my favorite after all!

🌻Favorite calming scent

Anything beachy or tropical! Basically of it has coconut Im a fan! Vanilla is also a favorite :3

🌺Favorite relaxing or uplifting song

Ocean Eyes is a favorite too @xxsupervampwolfxx ! It was my alarm song so I've been waking up to it every morning and still haven't gotten tired of it! So relaxing! But right now I'm obsessed with two very different but equally beautiful songs; After Dark by Mr. kitty and Golden Hour by Kacey Mustgraves. This second one especially because it perfectly represents my OCs 😭🙏 Oh and Wait a Minute! by Willow 👌

🌵Favorite white noise

Irl nature sounds, especially rain and thunderstorms. Every now and then I'll use meditation music or something similar to sleep to, especially when I'm really sleep deprived or having anxiety.

🍄Favorite book to get lost in

Oof like...basically anything! Especially manga with pretty art! I love finding and starting new stories I get sucked in right away. But sometimes it's hard to stay thru to the end. Some favorites I love to reread are Koe no Katachi (a silent voice), MARS, Sense & Flexibility, a really awesome fanfic novelization of Mass Effect focusing on Garrus and Shepard's relationship, and of course ...Picture This, the greatest Gaston content on the planet, a fanfic where Gaston and Belle's relationship takes off and slowly becomes something really beautiful🖤

💐Favorite chill-out TV shows

Lol this bad basically become the only thing I watch since college😅 so let's see futurama, Brooklyn 99, baby daddy, Avatar TLA, anything need corps and monster high (tho I may get too excited to actually 'chill' to these, old anime like ranma, inuyasha, gun x sword, and black jack. You know what, fuck it and just put on House Hunters and I'll be loving life 👍👍

🌹The best advice you've ever had

"You dont know how strong you are until strong is all you can be. Sometimes it takes a challenge to take you there." One of my aunt's said this once and idk if I'd ever heard anything so true.

"Escape the cookie-cutter syndrome" my brother had this on a shirt, wore it once a week for his whole life I swear. I don't blame him tho, those are words to live by.

Idk anyone's urls any more lol so I tag anyone that needs a little pause and distraction rn 🙏

Share your self care!            

Thanks for the tag, @katersann! I never do these cause I only ever have like just one person to tag, but I’m gonna do it this time! lol

🌿 Favourite comfort food hmm I think most of my comfort foods are desserts like brownies. I just love brownies. Though maybe mashed potatoes,also pasta, are comfort foods for me and biscuits! I love biscuits! lol I just really love bread. 

🌼 Favourite alcohol (or hot drink!) Rum, especially coconut rum, also tequila so any drink with those I like. I also love wine. Mostly moscato though.

🌷 Favourite relaxing activity Baking is something I sometimes do to relax, unless it’s for an order lol, I also sometimes go walking while listening to music (I need to get back on that but maybe after all this craziness is over), I also like to read and I love to watch my fav movies and tv shows.

🌸 Favourite fluffy/feel-good fic Oh man I don’t know I actually haven’t read fics in a long time. I am ashamed. I actually haven’t read much of anything in a long while. 

🌻 Favourite calming scent I think I like the scent of lavender also bath and body works has this aromatherapy scent of rose and vanilla and I just love that smell.

🌺 Favourite relaxing (or uplifting) song Oh this is hard! I’m gonna say Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish. There are others but I can’t think of them right now. lol 

🌵 Favourite white noise Rain, also waves rolling in at the beach.

🍄 Favourite book to get lost in So I for some reason can’t reread books, werid I know, but some of my favorties are the Lux series, The Vampire Diaries, the Alice in Zombieland series and the To All the Boys books. 

💐 Favourite chill-out TV show Supernatural, The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf (not sure if those are considered chill-out but I love them lol) Friends, Guys Grocery Games, Sabrina the Teenage Witch

🌹 The best advice you’ve ever had I have bad memory so I can’t think of any at the moment. lol I know I have been given some good advice in my life I just wish I could remember them.

I tag: (some folks in my notifs, play along if you would like! 😊) @teamfrankzhang @lllsaslll  & anyone else who wants to reblog!