#reread is going well i'm SO NORMAL right now can't you tell

[beelzebby666]

wanna see me go completely insane?

[vidavalor]

I've had to disconnect from my dash because of all the negativity; I honestly do not get why people are acting like a semblance of justice+a movie is the worst thing in the world?

I'm mourning for the full six-episode season we lost because ng couldn't pass the utmost basic sub-zero bar for not acting like scum and of course I wish amazon had kicked him out and then sprung for it anyway (and honestly, as long as you're blaming the right person, I think it's fine to feel upset? We deserved better, the cast and crew deserved, Terry deserved better, and this one guy ruins it for everyone because the bar was buried six feet deep beneath the ground and he still managed to go lower, and that does suck, and it is miserable and unfair, so take a moment if you need it 🤷‍♀️) but let's face it, we got off lucky. Arguably, considering this was a standalone novel from the nineties, that then got made, in one of the best book adaptations I've ever seen, into a limited standalone tv miniseries (and, again, emphasising the standalone here, so even if it all goes to hell in a handbasket, we'll still always have S1 and the book; people have been ignoring the Jurassic Park sequels for nearly three decades), and then got a surprise sequel, we were pretty lucky the whole way through.

And regarding the whole what if it's bad thing, I was always going to be worried: I was anxious long before this shit went down, and I was anxious before S2 and even S1, as well. It's not like we ever had any guarantee it was going to be good beforehand either, and at this point, knowing what we do now, I'm not at all sure I'd have trusted ng to write this anyways. So while, yeah sure, I'm maybe a little more anxious now, I trust Michael and David with these characters and I trust Rob and Rhianna with Terry's legacy and story and that they wouldn't have fought so hard for this ending unless they planned to keep fighting and thought they could pull it off. Isn't the problem with this kind of thing normally that what happnes is the creator who cares deeply about the work gets pulled in favour of someone out-of-touch who cares not a jot about the story and needs to leave their own grubby fingerprints all over it? More the other way around here, no?

Anyway, what I also wanted to say was that I really appreciated your 'think of it as the final two episodes of season two' (and all your takes on this situation so far, very level-headed and optimistic, thank you). I mean, you're right, and it's hardly wildly out-there for a series to finish on a feature-length special, and although the filler material in S2 and the compression of S3 maybe means it doesn't exactly resemble what the second book would have been, it was only ever meant to be two books. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed S2 and was very glad to get it, even though I am a book/S1 fan and also had the most fun in that time fandom pre/post/around the time of the S1 release, but why does it exist? Ego? You can't tell me you couldn't have fit the important parts of S2 into one season with the S3 plotline.)

Basically, I'm grieving the could-have-beens (imagine if he'd been exposed way earlier and the TP estate had had control of this whole production from the very start!) and I'm a little worried that that hurt'll stick around no matter how good S3 is - which I need to fix, because that's more power over my favourite show and what it means to me that I want to give anyone, let alone someone like that - but at the end of day, I do think it definitely can be done with what we have, and I'm choosing to be hopeful it'll be done well, because, well, why wouldn't I?

(I will say this hasn't been great for my faith in humanity, because I really want to believe not all men are shit and some of them are making it very difficult right now, but that's an entirely different problem and so far believing most people are mostly good has always prevailed in the end so. y'know. we'll get there. might reread discworld, that's always good for that.)

Sorry for venting all this at you! I just kinda felt the need to write it all down once to get it off my chest... have a snack on me? I'm partial to cherry tomatoes, green melon and mandarines at the moment (I stop eating salads in winter, which means I default to eating even more fruit) but I can also offer homemade baked goodies fresh from this morning? 🥧

Hi there. 💕 You are welcome to vent away & thank you for the delicious-sounding snacks and kind words. I'm glad my posts on the movie boosted your spirits about it. I agree with and can relate to almost everything that you said here so assume that anything that I don't address just has a 'yes, absolutely' nod happening. 🙂‍↕️

The one thing I want to touch on here is S2 and this idea of it being "filler" that you mentioned that I think might not be quite accurate. I think you (and anyone else who reads this) might feel more enthused about the idea of a good ending in 90 minutes after reading this so hopefully this'll be another way that I can help?

On why S2 is really the whole story and actually had a lot more going on in every way than S1...

Ok, I'm going to explain something that drives writers like myself bonkers 😂 and that is how some readers or viewers of fictional stories mix up plot and story.

Nothing grinds our gears than reading things like "filler" and "unnecessary subplots" because, while everyone is within their rights to have an opinion on written works, 95% of the time, the person who says phrases like this isn't talking about the quality of the work but of its very existence. They're saying "why did we have to read/watch this? it didn't connect to anything" and that's where they are very, very, very... argh, just tell them, Crowley...

...thank you, dear. Right, so, why is it wrong?

Because what many people who don't write don't understand about subplots and more character-driven story arcs is that the writers sat down and decided to do that stuff for very, very specific story reasons. Readers and viewers mistake plot for story. Plot only exists in service of story and, so, all plots exist for a purpose in the story. They're all relevant. In fact, the stuff people usually label as "filler" in a story is really exactly where they should be looking to figure out what the story is saying. If you're big mad about all this time you spent with Maggie and Nina in S2, I'd say you might not still understand what S2 was about because you won't understand Aziraphale's story without understanding both Maggie and Nina's struggles in S2, for example.

A story is the whole, overall thing. It's the meanings, themes, and messages in the work. It's what's being said. It's the ideas being put forth by the piece. It's what it's about. It's different from plot, which is just the stuff the writers are making the characters do or not do in order to tell the story that they are looking to tell. Story is the art; plot is a tool used to make that art. Fiction writers can come at their story from almost anywhere to convey what it is that they are trying to say so there is meaning in the fact that they are choosing to tell their stories the way that they are telling them. They came up with these ideas for reasons.

When you dismiss stuff as filler, you're saying that it's lesser than more in-your-face and bigger plots (when, often, it's very much not), and you're telling a writer how they should have written their own story-- most of the time, without even fully seeing the ending of that story or giving any consideration to why it is that the writer wanted you to read or watch the stuff you're saying wasn't necessary. I'm not arguing that every story is perfect but you aren't getting anywhere near close to being able to evaluate a story if you're not willing to dive into what you were given and consider why it was that you were given those things and what they might mean.

Until the main question that you're asking about every single aspect of a story is "what is this saying?", you're not really fully engaging with a work. You won't get there by dismissing what the artists are telling you is important.

The secret sauce to interpreting fiction are subplots, actually. They exist to help highlight the themes of the main story, often in a slightly more direct way. If you want to understand Good Omens, starting with Ineffable Bureaucracy is actually one of the best ways to get at the core of the themes of the story. It's far from wasted time in the story.

There's actually a funny nod to the importance of subplots in 1941 when Aziraphale references Sophocles, the playwright who basically created the concept of the supporting character whose story mirrors and parallels the main character(s). The mention of Sophocles shows up in S2, the season that brings Gabriel more fully into his purpose as exactly that.

The reason why S2's plot is centered around the honestly pretty easily solvable mystery as to what's happened to Gabriel is because Gabriel, from the get-go, has been the entire story distilled down.

If you follow nothing but Ineffable Bureaucracy in Good Omens, you're going to be closer to getting what it's about and where it's going and what its end game is than you are if you are dismissing it as wasted time when we only have few episodes left. If you haven't yet seen the secret wisdom in Jim-- not to mention understand that Jim and Gabriel are the same person-- then you're probably wigging out more about the movie.

You likely think that S2 was wasted on stuff like Gabriel, or Maggie and Nina's romance, when they should have been getting to Armageddon and The Second Coming already!

You haven't yet noticed that Armageddon has more than one meaning in the series.

It's not always the literal destruction of Earth but also a person's own life crisis. We are all worlds of our own and those worlds can be put at risk if we don't let others in and take care of ourselves and those around us.

When you realize this, you can start to see that S1 goes hard with a freight train of plot all over the place that is related to Armageddon in a more Biblical, apocalyptic sense while it establishes its universe for us but that, once we know how it all works, we can get something like S2... a time where we can step back and start using Armageddon in the more figurative way that the story is also presenting it.

We need to because the story isn't about Heaven or Hell-- it's about being a person. S2 is emphasizing the deeper aspects of the themes and rolling that out at a pace more in line with a person having a few days of inner crisis. When you see that Aziraphale's crisis is the point then you can see how S1 can be about The Four Horsepeople riding to the end of the world and S2 can show War (inner conflict), Pollution (mental health issues), and Famine (symptoms of the other two; lack of food and pleasure and connection; self-starvation and self-denial) as a mental health crisis.

The point is that if you're thinking these characters need to come together to overthrow Heaven and Hell and get to the South Downs Cottage and there's no time slajdflkfwjlkejlje!?!?, then you aren't realizing that not every revolution involves guns and bombs.

People all over the world can start a love train that's far more effective. You might think a subplot about The Hellhound and The Ginger Cat learning to play nice and that they have a fuckton in common and should maybe bury the hatchet and just become eternal bffs already is filler but Crowley and Gabriel aligning is set up for the end game. It's strength in numbers and finding peace and family. They can't overthrow Heaven/Hell without help and Gabriel is the Supreme Archangel. They literally will never have a South Downs Cottage ending without a plot that helped Crowley and Aziraphale see that Gabriel and Beez are on their side.

This is the revolution in Good Omens:

It will take all the characters coming together to overthrow Heaven/Hell and set up something new for us to get a happy ending and we absolutely will. S2 is Gabriel-centric because Gabriel is the key to all of the characters getting a peaceful ending and because he's a split-directly-down-the-middle mirror of both Crowley and Aziraphale. In a season that is more about Aziraphale's inner Armageddon than about an external threat, Gabriel is vital to telling that story. The plot of S2 is every bit as important to the story as S1. I'd argue that it's even more important because takes the time to go at the themes in a slower, deeper way. It needs to because it's a story of a fall that sets up for a story in S3 of a recovery from one.

Good Omens is the absolute perfect combination of a show that is both very, very detail-oriented and full of depth while also being, secretly, an incredibly simple story. I do not mean simple in a negative way but in a chef's kiss sort of way. Simple in a tight and elegant sort of way. This is something that I think some people might not see when they're theorizing but it's something to keep in mind ahead of the movie. Not just because the movie is shorter-- this would have been relevant if we were having a longer S3, too.

Good Omens has a very engaged fan base that looks for the details, yes. *raises hand* I'm one of them lol. And there will be plenty to pour over in the movie, but... the big thing to keep in mind is that your theory needs to be something that is simple, that can be explained in under a handful of scenes, tops, and that is focused on where Aziraphale's story arc is going above anything and everything else.

If you're beginning with time loops and the birth of a new antichrist baby, I'm telling you from ages of experience reading and writing stories, you're going to be way off. If you are over here composing theories of the story that you are arguing are correct and this theory involves, idk... *makes something up* Crowley is really Elvis and Elvis is really The Bentley and when a rainbow hits Whickber Street at exactly 4 minutes into the new season, Satan will be revealed to really be Jesus, I think maybe you might be missing the point of the details that the show has given already. Like the plot, these details exist to reinforce the themes of the story. Story beats everything else-- it's what this is all about.

And what Good Omens is about? Is best summed up by Michael Sheen, in this single sentence that I really, really agree with and have paraphrased more than once in posts:

Good Omens is about the business of living. It's about the human experience, which is the experience of being a person. Everything related to Heaven and Hell and good and evil and Armageddon and supernatural things is plot that only exists to highlight a story about the complexities of being a person.

The supernatural is human and the human is supernatural.

That is what Good Omens is about.

While Crowley and Aziraphale are built as two halves of a whole and are both main characters, Aziraphale is the main character from a technical, story perspective, because he is the character whose story arc is driving both the plot and story forward. He's heading for a happy ending with Crowley in the South Downs by the end of the film. If you're making theories, start with what kind of plot would truly get him there and still fit with all of the themes of the story.

This 'it's about being a person' business is why if you look at S2 as filler and not as a season that is exploring the continuing themes on a deeper level, you're still worried about things like there being no time in a movie to show the story of a new antichrist kid being born or how they're going to fit the whole Second Coming into the movie. You don't yet see that Aziraphale parallels Adam and that being an antichrist is basically just being a person and that Aziraphale is presently the antichrist in the story. There is no antichrist child yet to be born. They won't be cutting it because it's not the story.

Armageddon since S2 has been Aziraphale's own personal one and the story from the end of S2 on is now how, if all the other characters can't come together to help him, it could also trigger Armageddon of the S1, Earth-destroying kind. It's tying a more literal Armageddon into a more figurative one. Because this story is about being a person so Armageddon is just metaphorical for going through a mental health crisis and shutting people out.

This story's themes include that every person matters and we all have to let others in and look out for one another. That there's strength in numbers. That found family and adopted family is as much family as biological family-- often, even more so. That labelling and categorizing people is bullshit and you should always open the cover and read the first sentences of people and help people whose stories begin with the same letters find one another. That it might be surprising who has things in common. It's about all of Heaven and Hell versus all of humanity, in the sense that ideas of being a perfect angel or being seen as an evil demon are concepts felt by human beings that get in the way of peace and healthy, happy living, but that fighting them is a common, human struggle, regardless of from where you come.

If you are too focused on the religious plot being the center of the film, you haven't yet seen the meaning of why the end of S1 was an eleven year old kid saving the world by telling off the bio-dad that was never there for him. You might be one of the people who thought this a silly, anti-climatic ending to that story, and don't yet realize that this is the entire story in a nutshell.

Adam can only reject Satan and keep the darkness at bay because he is surrounded-- here, literally-- by a family that supports him. He has good people for parents and was lucky enough to grow up with resources that all kids in this world should have. He has an absolutely terrific group of friends. He has this witch lady and her boyfriend and these two gay uncles that just showed up out of nowhere 😂 and his human incarnate self has what it needs to make it through this crisis, in this moment, even if he'll probably have others throughout his life, just like all of us. He's not evil incarnate and he doesn't have to be perfect-- he's just a person.

Aziraphale tells Adam this but struggles to see himself in the same way. That's what S2 is about.

S2 is about that other kid who, like Adam, breaks the season down into a single line of dialogue, David Tennant's apparent favorite from the season:

Jemimah knows who she is and she is happy to claim ownership over her art and contributions to the world. She's living her life with excitement and enthusiasm in a way that gets more complicated as we become traumatized adults. Crowley and Aziraphale struggle with this. They have been making a life together on Earth for thousands of years and each struggle, in their own ways, to truly accept that they are people who are allowed to have a life because they struggle to accept that they are people, just like everyone else.

Their story is about getting to a better place with that. That's really all Good Omens fundamentally is. That's why their ending is going to be to go live in a little cottage together that isn't a business that covers up an angelic embassy that covers up a secret love den. It's just their house-- theirs together for the life they're going to live openly together.

If you want some peace with the film, I'd advise throwing over your theories about The Second Coming and Armageddon needing to happen and antichrist kids and how Jesus fits into everything. Jesus in Good Omens is Crowley romancing Aziraphale at the crucifixion and Aziraphale using what Jesus said to Crowley to reject temptation as invitation to fuck him. I thought Jesus in a single scene or less was the most likely thing for S3 and the same holds for the movie. It's not the story. The only time The Second Coming is mentioned in S2 is by the villain and, to get there, Earth would have to first be destroyed. It won't be.

If the story is about being a messy human walking the Earth and we're in the end game now, then the story is about Aziraphale and only Aziraphale. Everything-- everything-- will be in service of Aziraphale's story arc. We already had just a few episodes with S3 and we now have even less time but the way this is going is still the same. The story is Aziraphale's fall and the other characters coming together to challenge Heaven to keep Aziraphale from eternity in Hell. That's how Armageddon is stopped this time around-- overthrowing Heaven with Aziraphale's fate as the motivation to take on The Metatron. It's nothing to do with Jesus. It's everything to do with Aziraphale.

When you see that, you can see how feasible that is in 90 minutes, with plenty of time for things like 1941, Part 3 and other flashbacks.

I think, when all is said and done, you might wind up appreciating S2 more after the film but you can get there already if you start looking at it less as meaningless fluff and start asking why it is that we were shown this story, in this way, and what that can tell us about the story we're watching.

[walkingstackofbooks]

"Come on, tell me what's up."

Jadzia was supposedly sitting with Julian in Quark's to have a long-overdue gossip with her friend, but after a few minutes of pleasant chatter, Julian had gone silent, and Jadzia was tired of waiting for him to volunteer what had happened.

Julian blinked, peering up at her over his screen as though he'd entirely forgotten she was there. "Sorry... what?" he asked slowly.

"You've been staring at your PADD, biting your lip, ever since you got that message? What was it?"

Julian's answering sigh was decidedly world-weary for someone who had yet to turn thirty. "Oh, nothing," he said, waving her off. "Just... Well. The commander's invited me to dinner on Thursday."

In Jadzia's books, being cooked for by Benjamin did not deserve Julian's despondency. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad! Of course it isn't, it's nice to be asked, I'm- I'm looking forward to it--"

"You're an awful liar, Julian."

He grimaced at her. "Okay, I was looking forward to it. But then he sent me this and, I don't know, Jadzia - okay, he means well, but I'm not sure I can face it."

Jadzia looked at the message displayed on the PADD. >>I'm deciding what to cook for Thursday. I know you're not a fan of beets, are there any other foods you don't like?<< it said, giving her no clue at all as to why Julian was suddenly so anxious.

"Seems normal enough to me," she remarked. "What's the problem?"

That clearly had been the wrong question to ask. Looking away from her, Julian leant back against the chair, almost seeming to shrink as he pulled his shoulders into himself.

"I know it's stupid, and I should be more grown-up about it, but I just, I don't..." He reached over to take the PADD back, and started to stare at it again, as if the message contained some secret code that Jadzia was unaware of. His fingers were tapping a rapid pattern against the metal, and Jadzia's brain was working overtime to try and figure out what her friend was so anxious about.

"Come on, Julian, I can't help if you don't tell me what's bothering you."

Taking a deep breath, Julian looked up at Jadzia seriously. "Should I lie to him?" he asked in one quick breath, so earnestly that Jadzia had to lean over and reread the message, certain she must have missed something.

"Lie to him about what?" she asked, having assured herself that yes, Benjamin's question had been completely innocuous. "About what you don't like to eat?"

"Well, yeah..." Julian said quietly, shrugging. "Would that be so wrong?"

Understanding filtered through Jadzia's mind, and she reached out to squeeze Julian's arm. "You don't need to be embarrassed that you don't like some foods," she said, smiling gently. "Benjamin's not going to judge you for it."

"Even when I can't eat the dinner he cooks?" Julian responded sourly, snatching his arm away. "It won't matter what he does with them, I can't eat beets, Jadzia, I just can't."

Her eyes narrowed, and she looked at him coldly. "Hold up, are you saying that you think Benjamin wants to make you a dinner that you don't like?"

Julian frowned at her. "Well... no... He wants to make me like it, right? That whole dad-thing of changing my mind about beets and stuff, like that's never been tried before."

For a few seconds, words deserted Jadzia; all she could do was shaker her head at Julian in confused disdain. "Why would you think Benjamin would be so deliberately cruel?" she asked eventually. "It's not like he forced them on you at the staff dinner, we all saw your reaction. Why would you assume he's not simply asking you so that he can avoid cooking something you dislike?"

Now it was Julian's turn to stare wordlessly at Jadzia, his shoulders slackening as he processed what she had said. A few moments later, and his eyes had returned to the PADD once more, running over those few lines of text more times than Jadzia thought was really necessary.

"You really think that's what he meant?" he asked, scowling at the screen. "I guess... I guess that would make sense..."

Jadzia rolled her eyes. "Of course that's what he meant," she said. "Although if you really need confirmation I can always ask him."

"No!" Julian's head shot up to look at her, his eyes wide. "No, you don't need to do that, Jadzia - I'm just tired, I just read it wrong, that's all... You- you don't need to tell him about this. Please?"

"There's really nothing to be worried about, Julian," she scoffed. "You know he'd probably laugh it off--" Julian sent her a look of sheer panic, and she held her hands up placatingly. "...but no, I won't tell him anything, okay?" she continued quickly. "How much sleep did you get last night, anyway? You're really not acting like yourself."

Julian shrugged. "Not enough, evidently," he muttered, packing his PADD away in his bag and standing up. "Thanks, anyway, Jadzia," he said, smiling at her in that awkward, uncertain way of his. "I'm going to head back to my quarters now, I think."

"That's probably for the best," Jadzia agreed. "Get some rest. Tomorrow it's my turn to be the tired one."

"Funny," replied Julian dryly. He fiddled with his bag strap, seemingly reluctant to leave.

"Are you going?"

"Yeah, I just... Jadzia, you know I didn't mean anything- I mean, I wasn't trying to imply that I thought Sisko is, you know, cruel, or whatever, right? It was only that... Well, I thought- Well, no, I wasn't thinking--"

"Go to bed," Jadzia laughed, cutting him off. "You are thinking way too much right now. I'm still not sure how that idea crossed your mind, but clearly you're too tired to be coherent right now. I'm sorry I was cross, okay?"

"It's okay," said Julian quickly. "I was being stupid anyway."

"Just a bit," she replied, smiling at him fondly. "But then, I guess that's just you."

"Yeah. Just silly old me."

As he walked away, Jadzia felt a prickle of unease reach across her chest; Julian's smile had still not reached his eyes, and she wondered if her joke had been in good taste, given how anxious Julian apparently became when sleep-deprived. But she shrugged it off, reaching for her surprisingly untouched drink. If Julian was still in low spirits tomorrow, she'd apologise, but most likely a decent night's sleep would restore his normal good mood. There was no reason to worry.

[dracoxmalereader]

Potions Class

Draco x Male Reader

Context: Slytherin! Reader and can be read as any year except fifth year or after I'm pretty sure, but I did write it with fourth year in mind since they're making pepperup potion.. <3 And I'm aware that gyat didn't exist in the 90's, just pretend it did. (:<

Summary: Pepperup potion is one of the easier potions to brew, but that doesn't mean class can't be eventful nonetheless.

Requested by: Anon

Word Count: 585

The clinking of phials and the hiss of hushed whispering were familiar comforts. Snape leisurely made his way around the room in rounds to oversee the progress of the potion he’d assigned you all to brew in pairs.

“Draco, stir this.” You turn your head away from the cauldron to reread the instructions in your book.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Draco grumbles, even as he reaches for the spoon and does as he’s told. “Ordering me around like a servant.”

You roll your eyes, paying him no mind. “The last thing we need is jewelweed.” You close the book and take the spoon from him, stirring it yourself. You look at him expectantly for a moment, and he stares back. Awkward silence swells as you blink at each other, even in the growing chatter of the potions classroom.

“I don’t have it.” He shrugs after another long couple of seconds.

“What do you mean you don’t have it?”

“I gave it to Goyle!”

“Well get it back from Goyle!” Snape shushes you from across the classroom, glaring at the two of you. Draco groans.

He pushes up from his chair, nudging it backwards so he has room to bend over the table and demand the jewelweed back from Crabbe and Goyle where they’re sat across from you. Apparently a harder task than anticipated, as he leans even further forwards to argue with them. There’s no helping yourself now.

“Gyat!”

Draco turns around, shooting you a look like you’d grown an extra head. “Excuse me?” Red bleeds into his pale face.

“Gyat.” You smolder at him, sucking your teeth to let out a teasing hiss. “It means-”

“I know what it means.” He scoffs at you and rips the jewelweed from Goyle’s hand, righting his posture through his noticeably deteriorating composure. He clumsily shoves it in your chest, rougher than he normally would. “Here, since you couldn’t get it yourself. Loud, useless pervert.”

A grin forces its way onto your face, and you chuckle through your nose. Draco scowls at you, huffing, almost dropping the jewelweed when you finally take it from him. His shoulders draw tight.

Pansy mini-jogs over from the table beside yours. “Do you guys have any Mandrake root left? Blaise used the last of ours and messed it up.” She raises her voice at the last part and clears her throat. Blaise shakes his head from their table. 

Draco turns his head first to hear her question and then to look at you as if you were going to give it to her. You gesture towards the Mandrake root where it sat almost directly in front of him. His brows furrow and his face reddens further, this time out of anger. Your smug smile deepens and adoration bubbles in your stomach like a potion of its own.

“Here-” He grabs it and holds it out to Pansy, only for his fingers to falter. It falls onto the table, rolling and taking several phials down with it as they all clatter to the floor. 

Snape growls, a very unimpressed Mr. Malfoy turning all heads in the classroom to your table. Draco’s complexion could easily rival that of an heirloom tomato. You fruitlessly fight laughter. 

Draco’s lips pull tight in embarrassment, and you only giggle harder. 

“My father will hear about this-” He barks, and you’re so amused you can’t find it in yourself to care about how hard he’s grabbing the green border of your robes, nor Snape’s rapidly approaching footsteps.

This is quite possibly the request of all time. Getting to write this was my yule gift. If Draco gyat fic isn't my calling I don't know what is.

Me and my mom got into a lengthy argument over whether gyat is spiritual or physical. She says Draco doesn't have gyat. I beg to differ, of course, because gyat is a mindset. <3

Draco has gyat, I don't care what my mom says.

Tags: @nowayisthistakenyet @gayaristocrat @siuspider @dracoshusband @skrunklespoingo @esperfraud @joongbin @midwestemosblog @we2222

[ughgoaway]

i hate matty healy- chapter 5

content warnings: 18+ (mdni), smut, blowjobs, swearing, drinking, questionable decisions and probably other things I'm forgetting <3 word count - 4600-ish

a/n: hi again!! sorry this is kinda long it got away from me, if it's too long and you prefer shorter chapters pls let me know! anyway, this chapter was fun to write but rereading it I lowkey hate it but if I try to go through and edit it again I will kill someone so I'm leaving it be <3 I'm currently obsessed with matty + the red guitar and that's all my brain can think of!! thats all byeee

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Old pictures and posters cover the ceiling staring back at you. An old blur poster, next to an oasis one because you could never choose. Pictures of your sixth form prom, you arm in arm with George after you got cancelled on by your original date and he stepped up to take you. And of course, the very first poster of the 1975 to be printed. Technically it was the first poster of Drive like I do but one day Matty came over announcing they had changed the band name. Again. And crossed out drive like I do and scribbled “the 1975” over the top.

If you didn't know better you'd think that poster was the only one up there, it seemed to grow each time you stared up. Every time you lay down on your childhood bed you are met with a picture of him. The dickhead you're trying to convince yourself you really do think is a dickhead. But here you are again. At 3 am staring up at his face. The moonlight filtering through your window was highlighting the poster almost mockingly. God even the moon was working against you.

You growl in frustration and go onto your phone in an effort to distract your racing mind only to be met with another photo of Matty and the boys. Fucking Matty. It felt like he was stalking you. Which would be impressive considering you and him hadn't spoken in 2 weeks, not since that night on the tour bus.

As you expected the guys hugged and made up the next morning, consoling each other like 15-year-old girls. But the same couldn't be said for you and Matty. You hadn't spoken at the last show, in the airport or even on the plane home despite being sat together. It was a very frosty 14 hours. But if he was going to be stubborn, you would be stubborn right back. You hadn't let him win before and you certainly wouldn't now.

Only a few miles away Matty was in a very similar situation to you, staring at the ceiling willing his brain to stop swirling. As you were all on a brief break from tour Matty thought it would be best to come home to Wilmslow, just to make sure he wouldn't see you in London. Because if he did he's not sure how much longer he could keep up the stubborn act, and he was nothing if not competitive.

He really did feel bad about that night on the bus but he needed you to crack first, he couldn't lose again. Little did Matty know that you had thought the same thing, you were desperately craving the comfort home gave you and the distance from him. In trying to be apart the two of you had only pushed yourself closer.

Fresh air. That would sort you right out, normally you couldn't take a walk at 3 am but that was in London. Wilmslow was nothing like London, the most dramatic thing to happen in months is Ken and Linda's divorce so you didn't feel like you were at much risk for being brutally murdered. Unbeknownst to you, across town Matty was having the exact same thought. Well, almost the same thought, he can't say Ken or Linda crossed his mind.

Cold air filled your lungs and your mind flashed back to the night at the club. The weird eye contact, the awkward cigarette and the strange silent agreement all shot to the front of your mind. Shaking your head you try and tell yourself to just stop thinking. With no place in mind you just began moving, the thought of standing still for 5 more seconds seemed impossible to you. Before you knew it your feet were taking you in the direction of the skate park, a place you frequented a lot when you were younger.

Desperately tagging along with your older brother to start with but as you got older it was your brother and his mates, who soon became your mates. Well some of them did. The one glaring exception to that was also on his way to the very same skate park, old skateboard in hand.

Matty had slithered out of his mum's house as quietly as he could, trying not to wake her or Louis up, knowing he would never hear the end of it. Before he left he grabbed his board from the cupboard under the stairs, he briefly thanked whatever God there may be that his mum hadn't binned it on any of her cleaning rampages.

With each step you felt your mind freeing, being home always put you at peace; apart from your mum sometimes but you would never tell her that. Eventually, you see the skate park start to come into view, you'd tried to stop at the corner shop to get some alcohol before remembering that you weren't in London, and the corner shop closed about 7 hours ago.

The smell of freshly cut grass filled your senses the further into the park you went, it comforted you as you trudged your way across the large football field that separates the main park from the skatepark. After many complaints from parents about “hooligan teenagers” the skate park was moved slightly further away from the play equipment.

For a second, you could've sworn you saw a shadow on one of the ramps, but you wrote it off as an animal or something. No one else would be out at this time. You are pretty sure the whole town of Wilsmlow was asleep from 9 pm to 7 am every day. 

You reached the top of the smallest ramp and sat down swinging your legs over the ledge and for 5 whole minutes, you hadn't thought of Matty once until you heard an unmistakable voice ring out from below you. 

“You’re kidding me right now.” You froze, briefly thinking it was your imagination but nope, you looked down the ramp and met with the eyes of the very man you were desperately trying to avoid thinking about. 

You had no witty reply, no quick retort because at that moment you couldn't think of anything worse than seeing him. Especially when he looked like that. His normally perfectly manicured curls were fizzy and unkempt. He was wearing an old pair of tartan pyjama trousers, a ripped oversized harley davidson t-shirt and a fluffy cardigan that if you were to guess, was his mum's. Dark circles surrounded his eyes which looked slightly sunken, and in his left hand was the same board you coveted from all those years ago.

Maybe it wasn't the rockstar performer Matty that most people knew, but this was your favourite Matty. The Matty only a few people saw, the slight sleep-deprived domestic Matty always had a soft spot in your heart. Not that he knew that, you're not even sure you knew that until you saw him in that moment.

Silently he jumped up next to you and sat down, both of you chose to ignore the way your shoulders brushed and the way spark it created. After a few beats you got the courage to speak up, “is that the skateboard you taught me to skate on?” you asked, remembering the long few weeks of learning to skate. It was a summer of many bruised knees and drunk nights in the park; to this day it was one of your fondest memories of home.

Matty jumped slightly at your voice, not expecting you to be the first to talk, “Yeah, mum never threw it out I guess. Do you remember how shit you were?” He giggled out the last sentence, his shoulders shaking your own. You eventually started to laugh with him, if you were honest with yourself you really were shit. Ross had taken to skating so quickly you thought it would be the same for you but it wasn't.

“Yeah, I do. Remember that I was such a shit student that all the boys fobbed me off to you? They knew you wouldn't go easy on me like they did.” This caused a loud laugh to bubble out from both of you which soon turned into sleep-deprived cackling that had you holding your stomachs and gasping for breath.

Eventually, you got your breath back and lay down staring up at the sky, Matty soon followed suit and the silence resumed. But this silence was slightly more relaxed, still not pleasant but it was better. 

“Hey, you want to go back to mine? I have a bottle of wine stashed under my bed from my 19th that I'm desperate to drink right now.” Matty whispered, despite no one being around it still felt like it was right to whisper. He expected a hard and fast no from you but instead, you were quiet. A little too quiet, Matty turned his head to look at you and was shocked to find you already facing him. 

He stared into your eyes and admired the way your eyelashes fluttered against your cheek. You did the same to him, loving the way the moon reflected in his deep brown irises.

Just as quietly as he asked you responded with a simple, “Yes, let's go.” Soon enough you were walking side by side down the streets of the small town you both grew up in. This time, the silence was comfortable. Unusual, but comfortable. 

The keys rattled in the door of Matty's door as he opened it, slowly he poked his head around and thankfully no one was awake. He ushered you in and you followed him slowly up his stairs, a sense of familiarity washed over you as you looked around. His house hadn't changed from when you were young. The same Beatles artwork lined the hallway and the stairs were still covered in a deep purple carpet that Denise always insisted she would replace “next year.”

Matty's room was also the same you thought as you walked in, you hadn't spent much time in here but over the years you'd picked up Ross from band practice or sat with the boys getting high. It was still very similar to your own, every surface was covered in posters. Various bands littered the walls along with posters of his favourite movies, pulp fiction and true romance took pride of place above his bed.

Of course, it was still matty so there was also a rather large “Legalise it” poster above the keyboard in the corner. His bed was decorated with black sheets covered in small white stars. The headboard had fairy lights wrapped around it, you had made fun of Matty when he first put them up but he insisted they were “fucking vibey.” And to be fair to him, when you were stoned they really were.

You sat down on the bed and Matty got on his knees to begin looking for the wine stashed under the bed. Already slightly drunk just on the presence of Matty you joked, “Now there's a sight I like, Matty Healy on his knees” An unimpressed look fell over Matty's face as you began to giggle at your own immature joke.

“Such dirty jokes darling! And in my childhood room nonetheless” Matty jokingly retorted after coming back up victoriously, a bottle of wine in hand. The springs squeaked when he sat down next to you, he unscrewed the wine and took a quick sip before handing it over to you.

The maroon liquid slid down your throat and immediately calmed your racing thoughts, you knew it couldn't work that quickly but in that moment you didn't care for logic. “As if this room hasn't seen a lot worse over the years Healy, I've heard the horror stories!” you smirked as you handed Matty back the bottle. Passing it back and forth between you, both taking short sips and enjoying the pretty cheap wine.

“Horror stories! Sweetheart I’m wounded” Matty joked holding a hand to his heart and acting as if you had stabbed him. His childlike actions solicited a small laugh out of you, soon a hush fell over you both as you looked into each other's eyes and wordlessly kept swigging the wine.

Matty's eyes flicked down to your lips so briefly that if you blinked you would've missed it. But you didn't miss it. And he didn't want you to. Your breath shifted as he started to move ever so slightly closer, as if he was testing the water.

You didn't have the patience to test the water and crashed your lips into his, pulling his face into yours. He quickly reciprocated and pulled you into his lap gripping your ass as you ground down into him, only the thin fabric of both your pyjamas kept you separated. 

You felt matty hardening beneath you and a plan formed in your head, with a smirk you broke the kiss. Matty desperately chased your lips but you pushed him away and began slithering down his body, before long you were on your knees in front of him. “You know I never did apologise for the other night” you drawled out, sliding your hand up his clothed thighs, rising up slightly on your knees.

“Oh- yeah- I meant to apologise for that-” Matty began to ramble, with the way you were looking up at him- how could he not? He was starting to stutter when you interrupted him with a hand on his chest.

“Matty im the one apologising remember? What did you say again? Oh yeah, ‘next time you come crawling back to me you'll have to beg on your knees.’ well here I am, on my knees.” You began to press small slow kisses up his neck, licking and sucking when you reached the edge of his jaw. 

Matty swiftly realised you wanted this, and you wanted him. He slipped right back into the new version of him you had begun to love. “Well baby, I did say beg and I haven't heard that yet” he tried to keep his voice steady as you hit a particularly sensitive spot behind his ear.

Sitting back on your knees slightly you make eye contact with Matty and breathe out, “Please let me suck you off Matty. Please. I promise it will make you feel so much better.” you punctuated the end of your sentence with a particularly dirty kiss that pushed Matty right to the edge. 

“Shit- yeah go ahead baby” Matty sighed out and soon enough you were making your way back down his neck and torso.

You pressed your face into the warm skin of Matty’s stomach, pushing hot kisses down his body until you reach his waistband. You let a shaky breath out as you pull down his trousers and free Matty's achingly hard cock. He let out a strained moan as he looked down at you, seeing you on your knees looking up at him with doe eyes and fluttering your eyelashes is going to be the death of him; he was sure of it. 

“I've been thinking about doing this for a long time” You muttered, letting your lips and tongue delicately brush against Matty's tip. He growled in response and griped your hair harshly, desperately trying to avoid just fucking your mouth.

“C'mon sweetheart stop teasing or I’ll- shit-” Matty's complaint was cut short by you taking him in your mouth all the way down and swallowing around him. His fingernails scratched your scalp as he grabbed and pulled your hair.

Your nose brushed the dark curly hairs and the base of his dick as you held it in your mouth, focusing on the deep buzz of desire making its way through you. Matty jerked his hips forward at the feeling causing you to gag but at that moment you didn't notice, the only thought in your head being making him feel good. Your hand press his thighs against the bed, revelling in the noises coming from Matty, each new grunt and groan fuelled your ego.

You began moving up and down on his cock, taking what you didn't have in your mouth in your hand and jerking it. Slowly you gain confidence and start moving quicker, twisting your hand at the base and going up and down his shaft. Tracing the large vein on the underside with your tongue each time you move up and down. You came fully off and began making out with his tip, giving the underside kitten licks and groaning at the taste.

The low groan that resonated out of you caused Matty to jerk forward once again, you took it as an invitation and dropped your hands from his thighs and looked up at him. You keen into his hand hoping he would understand your silent plea. Your blood-red nails trailed down Matty’s legs leaving scratches in their wake. Matty thrusts again in your throat, loving the feeling of you marking him; the pleasure mixing with the pain.

Tears are streaming out of your eyes and spit bubbles at the corners of your mouth but you couldn't care less at this moment because Matty was looking at you with such hunger it causes wetness to pool in your underwear. Looking up at him you begin to beg with your eyes, desperate to have him claim you.

Matty delicately swipes the mascara-coloured tears from your cheeks and asks the question he's been so desperate to since you dropped to your knees “You want me to fuck your mouth huh baby? fuck you up a little?” you nod as fervently as you can with his cock resting in your mouth, causing Matty to spit out a string of curses.

“Yes fuck- I always thought of doing this to you in here shit-” Matty sighs out as he begins experimentally thrusting into your throat. You were too lost in the haze to hear his comment and began to gag slightly as his cock hits the back of your throat. A low moan from you encouraged Matty to go faster and soon enough he was fucking your throat wildly, ignoring any gags from you only being spurred on by the moans leaving your filled throat. 

Each time Matty's hard cock hits the back of your throat you have to hold back a whimper. His cock fit perfectly in your mouth and you loved feeling him. Matty had received many blowjobs in his 29 years of life but he would swear on anything that it has never felt this fucking good. Each time you tightened your throat around him caused his mind to reel and made his grip on your hair even more viscous as he puppeted your head up and down his shaft.

You swallow around Matty as he stares at your mouth stretched out around his cock, marvelling at your closed eyes; you were obviously enjoying this just as much as he was.

You couldn't get enough of the feeling of his heavy dick in your mouth. You flicked your eyes open to stare at the man in front of you, taking delight in the way sweat drips from his brow as he works himself in and out of your mouth.

“Such a good girl for me yeah? Knew you'd be back on your knees just not like this fuck.” Matt's head lulled back and he closes his eyes a low groan coming from deep within his chest. “I’m gonna cum sweetheart shit- look at me yeah? Look in my eyes when I cum down your throat.” As soon as your eyes meet, Matty is cumming hot and thick down your throat.

After a few seconds Matty pulls out and tucks his dick back into his boxers, as he looks back at you he sees you swaying slightly on your knees obviously fucked out, cum dribbling out of the corners of your mouth. Matty grips your chin and pulls your face up to meet his, “open your mouth.” 

As you do he's met with a sight that made him weak, your tongue was heavy with his cum. A primal growl comes from Matty as he leans down and spits in your mouth, snapping your mouth shut with his hand on your jaw. 

“Swallow,” he demands. A squeak of shock leaves your mouth only to be followed quickly by a moan as you swallow down the mixture of cum and spit. You try to grind down on something absentmindedly, desperately trying to alleviate some of the pressure building in your stomach. 

Matty notices your feeble attempt at feeling some relief and pulls you up onto the bed, holding your neck possessively as he says, “Oh baby did you get all worked up by me fucking your mouth?” You groan and give Matty a nod, desperate for him to help with the wetness between your thighs.

“I would help darling but this was an apology remember? You needed to say sorry to me, and you have. But you won't be getting anything in return. You should be thankful I let you suck me off.” he paused briefly a filthy smirk coming across his face. “So say thank you, baby”

Your voice was raw and scratchy from Matty's rough treatment as you breathed out a meek, “Thank you Matty” he smiled appreciatively at your obedience and cruelly patted your cheek. 

“Let's go to sleep now baby, come lay down with me,” Matty said as he lay down on his bed, patting the empty space next to him. You joined Matty and the two of you begin to lazily make out until the post-orgasm haze got the better of you both and you fell asleep on Matty's chest, rising and falling with each of his breaths.

Sunlight streamed through the curtains and illuminated the small space you were asleep in, dots and streaks moved through the room as the trees swayed and allowed sunlight to peak through and dance on the ceiling. Matty stared at your sleeping figure and thought about how peaceful you looked. He's only ever seen you so at peace once in his life before, the day he finally saw your apartment for the first time.

Unlike the other guys, Matty had never been inside your apartment let alone slept over but the others were always there.As far as Matty knew your apartment could be a secret drug den but all he's ever seen is the 3-meter-squared entryway. Until the day he finally got a peek when he picked Ross up on the way to the studio.

Ross had forgotten something inside so ran to grab it and accidentally left the door open, Matty immediately stuck his head in and began looking around; he ignored the fact that he was so eager to see how you lived.

Plants were everywhere, even trailing down the walls, which was strange to him; he never thought of you as a plant person. Large colourful sofas filled the living room as well as bookcases overflowing with old novels and nicknacks. They were dark oak, Matty assumed they were another charity shop find and admired the small rose engraving that trailed up the side of them.

Framed photos of you and the boys were on almost every surface, the sight warmed his heart a small bit. Despite spending 24/7 with them you still wanted them around in some way or another. Soon enough Matty realised that quiet music was filtering through the apartment and he felt himself being drawn toward it.

He began to follow the music that he now recognised as Otis Redding’s love man record; one of his favourites. The sight he was met with made his mouth go dry. You were standing in your pyjamas, softly swaying standing at the oven cooking pancakes. A small smile graced your lips as you mouthed the words, your hair wet from a shower. Matty couldn't help but feel his heart flutter at seeing you in such a domestic setting.

The large windows that were all over your apartment left you standing in a sunbeam, if Matty didn't know better he would think it was a spotlight. The light was filtering around you perfectly, bouncing off your pink silk pyjamas.

Matty didn't like how he felt at that moment. He felt a sense of yearning. To see this again, as much as he could. To be standing with you singing Otis Redding. Obviously, he knew as soon as you saw him this illusion would be shattered, and it was, but he almost began to enjoy the discomfort of standing there, knowing it was caused by you. 

Before long you spotted him, called him a perv for staring and pushed him right back to the entryway but Matty has never forgotten how you looked that morning. How restful it all felt. It reminded him of now as he watched you breathe, your hair sprawled over his pillowcase with a small smile on your lips. God, even when asleep you were beautiful. 

Wait. No. Not beautiful, just tranquil. Silent. Before he could spiral much longer you woke up from your sleep and smiled at him, observing how the sun behind him illuminated his frazzled curls and almost looked like a halo around him.

“Hi,” you said simply, not quite awake but aware someone needed to say something otherwise you're sure you'd be sitting in silence for the next hour. “Hi,” he said back the exact same way, with an airy quality surrounding the word.

The pressure was building between the two of you to have a real conversation about this, whatever it was. Because at this point it had to be something. But you weren't ready for that conversation and neither was he, all you both wanted to do was live in this moment. With the sun heating the room you were in, the light hit all the right places around you. So you did what any sane person would do at that moment, proposition him.

“Wanna have sex?” you bluntly said, raising your eyebrows suggestively. A Cheshire cat-like smile broke out on Matty's face as he leaned in and began kissing you. This kiss began slow, his lips moved slowly and carefully over yours, he moved his hand from the bed up to your cheek and pulled you in harder.

The kiss began to heat up as you grabbed Matty's bottom lip between your lip and pulled on it. In response Matty growled and pulled away, he laid down and grabbed your hips, pulling you onto him just like last night. 

You pulled away and sat up to admire the man under you, he had taken his shirt off at some point in the night leaving his chest bare, his pale skin was stark against the black sheets. You traced each one of his tattoos with your pointer finger admiring how his muscles tensed with your featherlight touch. His lips were red and puffy from the rough kisses, his cheeks were pink and he was flushed all over, giving his whole body a small glow.

Matty whined impatiently and pulled at the hem of your shirt prompting you to take it off. You quickly followed his request and stripped off the baggy shirt revealing your bare chest, your nipples pebbled at the cold air. Matty groaned appreciatively and sat up to begin assaulting your chest with kisses and leaving small hickeys in his wake, delicately scraping his teeth against your breasts. He marvelled at the breathy moans you let out as he continued his movement.

The door of the small room creaked open but both you and Matty were too preoccupied to notice, soon a voice broke the silence.

You screamed and pulled the blanket up to cover your bare chest. All three of you stood there and stared, chests heaving in shock and eyes wide. How the hell were you going to explain this? Fuck.

[ahgasegotarmy116]

L0v3 M3

Summary: You're both each other's escape but he can't tell you who he really is... Pairing: y/n x idol Yeonjun Word Count: 4.2k~ Warnings: Like one or two curse words lmao... that's it a/n: Requested by a lovely anon <3 I hope you like it :)

🟢  y/n is online

🟢 Yejun is online

Yejun: How's your day been? I haven't heard from you today :/

y/n: I am so sorry Yejun! Things have been pretty hectic at work and I wasn't even able to eat lunch today :(

Yejun: Oh my gosh that's horrible! How are you feeling? You must be exhausted! Have you eaten yet?

y/n: *send picture of your favorite food* Yup! I figured I would treat myself today!

Yejun: You definitely deserve it after the crazy day you had!

y/n: Enough about me though, how have you been? Did you do anything fun today? I know you said it was your day off so I hope you did :)

Yejun: Not really, I hung out with one of my roommates since we both ended up having today off so we just played some video games.

y/n: Oh did you guys try out that new game you said was coming out soon?

Yejun: Yeah we did! It came out on Friday but we didn't have time to check it out until now so it was fun trying to figure it out together. 

y/n: Did you win?

Yejun: Of course

y/n: As expected from my champion <3

I smile down at my phone after rereading your message for the 10th time before responding. "What are you smiling at?" Beomgyu says walking into the living room after waking up from his nap. "Nothing" I say locking and putting away my phone before another ding rings out notifying the both of us (unfortunately) of another one of your messages coming through.

"Doesn't look like it's nothing" Beomgyu says tilting his head trying to see my phone hidden behind my back. "Well either way it isn't any of your business I say defensively. "Yeonjun be honest, you're still talking to that girl aren't you?" he says, obviously disappointed in me. 

"So what? What's wrong with that?" I say continuing to defend myself. "She doesn't know who you are right? You know it could cause a huge scandal if-" "I'm being careful. But no, she doesn't know who I am. I know better than that" I say hoping the conversation is over and we can move onto something else. "You better..." he says trailing off.

"What's that supposed to mean? Last time I checked I was the hyung here. You really think you can talk to me like that?" I spit out getting fed up with him. "Okay I'm sorry I'll stop bugging you about it damn" he mumbles. "I'm sick of your disrespect Beomgyu. When are you gonna sto-" "Yeonjun that's enough" Soobin says walking into our dorm trying to defuse the situation. 

"You know what I'm done, I'm leaving" I say walking towards the door and heading outside. Luckily some of our staff are still hanging around outside since they had just dropped Soobin off. "Can you take me for a drive? I just need to get out of my head for a while" I ask knowing that taking a walk instead isn't really possible with my current idol status.

The staff nods and opens the car door for me before going over to the drivers side. "Do you have anywhere you would like to go or just somewhere away from the city?" he suggests and I'm happy to hear that he's able to read my mind. "Away from the city please, I need to get away from all the chaos" to which he nods and starts the car doing just as I had asked. 

I pull out my phone after our drive is underway and I remember that I had left you on read.

🟡 Yejun is busy → 🟢 Yejun is online

🟡 y/n is busy

The last message you had sent me was asking if I had any plans for the rest of the night. I'll be honest I downloaded this app with the intention of pretending to be someone else. I just wanted to be a normal guy, talking to normal people and having normal conversations. But when you're an idol that privilege gets ripped away from you and you don't realize how much you're going to miss it until it's too late. So my name on here is Yejun and he's basically me except with a new face and a new name.

Choi Yejun, Yes I know very creative but I did't want to lie too much

Age: 24

Birthday: September 12th which isn't a complete lie because it's the 12th in America but the 13th in Korea

Height: 6ft, yes I did add on an inch okay, sue me!

Blood Type: A

MBTI: ENFP

Education: Batchelor's degree in Music with a minor in dance. This one however is a lie laced with some truth okay, let me have this one. 

I got the pictures of "Yejun" off of instagram after looking through hundreds of accounts, trying to find one that fit my vibe. Luckily the account that I take the pictures from belongs to a very very narcissistic guy so I'm constantly getting new picture to send you if I need to. Do I feel bad lying to you? Yes of course.

I wasn't even planning on keeping this account for long. I just wanted to try and use it as some sort of escape. We met by chance and somehow along the way we just started messaging each other everyday and it's gotten to the point that I feel like there's something missing if I haven't heard from you that day. 

Some days are busier than others and I hate it. I wish I could just spend the day with you. Not just messaging you on my phone or computer but really spend time with you, in person. Somewhere along the way I started to fall for you. Don't ask me why or how, it kind of just, happened. I noticed it when I started to compare every woman I encountered to you, and none of them could live up to what you mean to me. Call me crazy but something in me is holding out the hope that someday we can be together, or at least meet. 

We've been talking to each other for months but I'm afraid that when I finally gain the courage to call you that you'll recognize my voice and that could be the beginning of the end for us. You're not even into Kpop like that, let alone my team (it hurt my ego a little bit but I got over it) but it still scares me. My attention is soon brought back to my phone as I see that you've come back online and responded to my message.

🟡 y/n is busy → 🟢 y/n is active

🟢 Yejun is active 

 Yejun: Hey sorry I got busy there for a second but no I'm free for the rest of the night. What about you? 

y/n: I'm free as well :)

Yejun: Good

y/n: Good?

Yejun: Yeah because you can pay attention to me after neglecting me all day :(

y/n: I already told you I was busyyyyyy 

Yejun: Yeah I know I was just teasing

y/n: If it makes you feel any better I really missed you <3

My breath hitches a bit at the confession. It's nothing big but for some reason it has my heart racing nonetheless.

Yejun: Yeah you better! But I missed you more ;)

y/n: Good, what are you up to?

Yejun: Nothing really, just relaxing, trying to clear my head.

y/n: Oh, is there something wrong?

Yejun: It's just that things have gotten really busy at work and I feel like I'm being stretched way too thin.

y/n: Could you maybe talk to your boss? See if there's anyways that someone could help you out?

Yejun: There's already four other people working with me so they can't really afford to spare anyone else. Plus it would throw us all off if someone else did join this late in the game. 

y/n: Oh okay that's understandable. You guys don't want to mess up the synergy you have going on right?

I smile happy that you're starting to understand me and my world without really knowing it. 

Yejun: Exactly! I couldn't have put it better myself :)

y/n: You know you can tell me anything right? I know that you like to keep things to yourself about you work and everything but if you're struggling with say your friends or you're feeling down then I'm always here <3

Yejun: Thank you y/n I really appreciate you and our friendship so much! You have no idea how much you've helped me since we first met. Life for me is just so fast paced so it's really nice to have someone who likes me for me and not for what I can do for them you know?

y/n: I totally understand, I feel the same way about you. Even though we haven't met in person I feel like you're the best friend I've ever had. Like a true friend, so thank you Yejun. You've made my days so much brighter and my nights so peaceful. I just don't know what I would do without you.

It's really me that needs you. Everything in my life from the age of 15 to 19 has been about debuting and now that I have it's just, well I don't know, things are just not the way I thought they would be. Seeing my Sunbaes debut before me just made me so excited at the prospects of someday following in their footsteps. I kept counting the days, waiting for that time to come when they would finally tell us we were going to debut. 

I was the first member of the team that would become Tomorrow x Together and the other guys trickled in bit by bit in 2016 and soon we were put together. It still took us about three years until we debuted but we worked hard every single day until we finally made it! 

A few months after we debuted though the pandemic hit, and everything about the way that idols and idol groups promoted their music and performed had completely changed. The day they told us that BTS had to postpone their world tour was the day that I knew everything was going to change.

It was hard being a new idol group and not being able to get the love, energy and support that most groups get. It just makes all of the hard work worth it when you get to see the look on people's faces and hear them cheering for you. Although my idol journey hasn't been the same as idol groups that debuted before me I wouldn't change it for the world.

The pandemic brought our team closer, but it also pushed us apart at times. Having to live together with the uncertainty of it all was nerve wrecking. It's all thanks to our Moa though, they really kept us going when times got tough. But even after the pandemic started to calm down I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing, that I had lost something and I wasn't sure how to find it. That's when I found you.

I had wanted to find some way I could escape from this whole idol world and just be me. Not Tomorrow x Together Yeonjun, just me Choi Yeonjun the kid who worked so hard for his dream and made it come true. I want people to like me for me, but things started to change with the people around me when I debuted. Some idols would try to befriend me, only to get closer to BTS and the friends that I had made before when I was still a trainee started to treat me differently now that I was "famous". 

The members of BTS and especially Namjoon hyung really helped me navigate this whole scene and always gave me the best advice. I watched them grow, from their tiny debut showcase and their even smaller fan meet, to their first win with I Need U. Everyday since the beginning I've seen what they're capable of and I want us to be that kind of group someday too.

Thanks to them they've opened up a lot of doors not only for us but for the whole industry. I'm always thinking of them and how much I've grown to love an support them, I always have and I always will. Plus they're all just so hilarious, they never fail to bring a smile to my face and I could never thank them enough. 

I know I'm rambling but those are the thoughts that go through my head when I try to process my life these days. There are days I want to say "Fuck this" and just leave, but there are other days that I just couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. It's come to a point where I don't think I could go on without being a part of this team, and that's gotten really unhealthy for me. This whole mindset I've found myself trapped in for these past few weeks has been utterly exhausting and the only thing that's kept me going has been you. 

I know I have my members and Moa and the company to rely on but I just want to be seen as a person, not an idol or an asset, just me. You've really brought me back down and helped me embrace my humanity again, as dramatic as that sounds it really is true. It's easy getting wrapped up in the glitz and the glamor of it all but having you really reminded me that I'm still my own person apart from all of this. It's just, I don't know...freeing I guess? Being able to just be myself, but I hate that I can't be my true self with you. 

I've adopted this persona that I have to stick to, for both of our safety. It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I want to keep you away from all of this and keep your view of me as the same guy you've known this whole time. Yes with a new face and some tweaked physical traits but it's still me. I hope that someday if we get to meet that you won't hold it against me. I hope you'll realize that It was safer this way because I really want to keep you in my life but only for as long as you let me. 

y/n: Are you still there?

Yejun: Yeah I'm sorry I've got my head stuck in the clouds but I really do feel the same way :)

y/n: What's got you so distracted?

Yejun: Just life I just can't seem to separate myself from work you know? My work life balance isn't the best but unfortunately with the kind of job I have it's pretty much impossible to do so. 

y/n: I swear you get more and more cryptic everyday 

Yejun: I'm sorry I'll stop talking about it. What are you up to?

y/n: Nothing really, I just put on a show that I've seen before as background noise but I really have kept my night clear to talk to you and I'm glad it worked out :)

Yejun: Me too, but hey I have a question for you. Well more of a proposition...

y/n: You're scaring me but I'm all ears

Yejun: Would you maybe be free to talk right now? I just really need to hear your voice.

I've told you time and time again that I didn't feel comfortable talking on the phone but I think I need to make an exception for this time.

y/n: Are you sure? I mean yes I would love to talk to you but I just know you've been uncomfortable with the idea of calling but yes! Call whenever :)

I ask the staff to pull over into a pretty much abandoned parking lot hoping this will provide me with enough privacy. I step out of the car and let him know that I'm going to take a call and it might take a while, to which he nods and tells me not to wander off too far. 

My thumb hovers over the call button for a few moments before I finally take a deep breath and press it to start a call. It rings a few times and I can feel the anxiety build with every ring that plays until I hear a click telling me you've picked up. 

"Yejun?" I hear your voice resounds melodically.

"Um yeah hi" I say in english. Us living in different countries has also proved to be an obstacle in our relationship but it's honestly for the best. 

"Oh my gosh is it really you? I can't believe I'm actually hearing your voice!" you say clearly excited which releases so much tension I've been holding in my body all day. 

You've sent me voice notes before and if I'm honest I listen to them about twice a day but who knew that something as simple as actually speaking to you could make me feel so at peace. 

"Me neither, I don't know why I was so scared to call you but I'm so happy we are finally doing it" I say feeling like a new layer has been added onto our relationship.

"Me too, you've been sounding really down today though. I know you've already told me about it but is there anything I can do to help?" you ask.

"No it's okay love, why don't you tell me about your day instead?" I let out and start looking up at the stars. 

"Love?" you repeat, clearly surprised.

"Shit I mean-"

"No it's okay, I like it" you respond and I can hear how shy you've gotten from the accidental term of endearment.

"Really?" I ask now feeling embarrassed but also happy that you don't mind if I call you that. 

I've gotta try out other pet names to see how they will make you react because even if I can't see you I can clearly tell you're blushing. 

"Really" you say and the line goes silent for a while, neither of us knowing what we should say next. 

"So are you gonna tell me about your day silly?" I resort to, amused by your shyness. 

"Oh right, well when I got there this morning we..." you say telling me every little thing you could think about that had happened you today, and I mean it when I say that you tell me every detail but I can't help but find it incredibly endearing. 

"Yejun?" you say catching me off guard, I'm not really used to responding to that name when it's said aloud so it took me a second. 

"Hmm?" I hum in acknowledgement having lost track of your story.

"Were you even listening to me?" you laugh, clearly knowing the answer already.

I list off a few things that I had thought I had heard but unfortunately had gotten wrong.

"Yeah you said something about spilling your tea on yourself while you were at home and had to change again before you left right?"

"It was actually coffee and I spilled it on my coworker and they had to send it out for dry cleaning but luckily he keeps a spare set of clothes at his desk"

"Oh yeah and he said that you had to give him the money to pay for the dry cleaning"

"No he was really chill about it and I offered to buy him lunch as an apology so I went to go pick something up for us on our break so it would be ready for us during lunch"

"Right right and you went to go get fried chicken and they took forever" 

"I swear your mind is something else because it sounds like you know the plot but somewhere along the way lost all the details of the story" you say laughing at me and I know know now that I got it bad. I know it might seem foolish to say that I'm in love with someone that I haven't even met but there's just something about you.

"I'm sorry love, I just really love the sound of your voice so I kind of got lost in it. I'm not ignoring you I promise I guess that I'm just getting a little tired"

"Oh so I'm boring you to sleep?" you say sternly

"No y/n that's not what I meant I-"

"I know, I just wanted to hear how you would sound when you were panicked" 

"You're mean" I pout, really feeling scared that I already messed things up between us.

"Aw you love me" you say so simply that I choke on air before my mind can even fully process what she had just said.

"You okay over there?" you laugh clearly amused at my reactions to your teasing. 

"Yep *cough cough* all good" I say trying to calm myself down, this is so embarrassing, I don't even know how to respond to subtle flirting from you. It's come so easily to me when I'm with my members and even Moas but I guess since I don't have feelings for any of them like I do with you it's just a little more nerve wracking.

"Maybe I should let you go so you can get some sleep. It's probably really late over there right?" 

"Yeah I guess you're right. I just wish that the time difference didn't make things so difficult for us" I say taking a deep breath in and letting it out to calm myself. 

"Me too, but we finally spoke on the phone so at least that's something! We should do this more often!" you say trying to cheer me up. 

"Definitely! I'll let you know next time I'm free to call and you do the same for me okay? Maybe we could squeeze each other into our schedules a bit more" I say hopeful that something like that might work. 

"Sounds good. Goodnight Yejun" you let out in a melancholy tone.

"Have a good rest of your day love" I finish before hanging up. 

After finally getting back to the city and making our way to the dorm I'm reminded of the way I left in the middle of an argument. 

"Are you going to be okay Yeonjun?" the staff asks, clearly concerned knowing that something set off the need for this impromptu trip. "Yeah I just lost my temper but I'll be fine. Thank you for tonight, I know I kept you out for a lot longer than you're used to". "It's okay kid, I knew you needed it. Let me know if you need anymore late night drives again. Oh and Yeonjun" he calls out before I'm able to close the door. "I hope she's worth it" he says with a sad smile, clearly aware of what had just happened. "She is, don't worry" I say giving him a shy smile in return. "Have a good night, get home safe" I say and close the door after we finished saying our goodbyes. 

Walking in the door I'm greeted by the sight of Beomgyu sitting in the living room with a dim light providing us with a soft golden glow. "I really don't want to hear it tonight" I say starting to make my way to my room. "Please, I just want to apologize" he lets out, clearly remorseful. I stop in my tracks and think for a second before finally caving and sitting down on the seat opposite of him and wait for him to continue. 

"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you today, it was uncalled for and I know that" he says pausing, giving me a chance to respond. "I know you're just concerned for the team and you're right, we have a duty to each other as a team but also we have a duty to each other as people. This has been going on for months and no one else has found out besides you because you're nosy" I say smiling at him, showing him a playful attitude rather than an accusatory one.

"I'm being careful don't worry okay? I wouldn't jeopardize the team like that. As much as it hurts me to have to keep my life a secret from her, she's very understanding about it all and isn't pushing me to tell her anything. Just please let me have this Gyu, I've got it under control" I say hoping we can leave it at that. "Okay, I trust you" he says and we sit in silence for a while until he speaks up. 

"You spoke to her on the phone tonight didn't you?" he asks with a sly smile. "No...yes...how do you know?" I ask confused as to how he could read me so quickly. "Because you looked so happy when you came in here verses how you left. A miracle had to have happened to curb that temper" he says clearly happy he was right. "Goodnight Beomgyu" I say and get up to make moves to go to bed, rolling my eyes at his cheekiness before I smack him upside the head and run off with him yelling and running after me. 

"Choi Yeonjun" I hear being yelled from inside of Soobin's room clearly having been woken up by our shenanigans. "Goodnight everyone" I yell back and close the door and lock it behind me providing me safety for the rest of the night. I let out and breath and shrug off the jacket I had been wearing and throw it on my desk chair and I soon hear a quite notification pop up and confused as to who it might be I pull out my phone right away and I smile instantly reading the message over and over and over again. 

y/n: Goodnight love talk to you tomorrow <3 

Read L0v3 y0u to see what happens next <3

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[mr-nauseam]

re: ask game

12, 25 for marcus and sejanus!

omg first I appreciate the questions very much buddy!!!!! <3 12. What's a headcanon you have for this character? Let me think… I can quite proudly say that I got it into vicó's head that Marcus has scars <3

Some on his face, on his neck and a lot on his hands, because he keeps carving too many trees and stuff. Small wooden figures, once he made a small bear, another time a flower for his little sister, and he practiced with many hearts before making the real one in marble (which he clearly gave to Sejanus as a gift).

You know, I think they are both quite artistic in their own particular ways. I like to think that Marcus might have some sort of hobby with woodworking, so he's making some pretty nice carved chairs.

And Sejanus, I've added just about any artistic hobby I could think of. He writes poems and can recite them, he also likes to draw, and he can paint in watercolors, although I don't think he's musical. Of course he likes music but he's terrible at singing, and he can't play any instruments, but back to his drawings and paintings.

I think Sejanus can draw people, and animals but it is rare for him to do so. I think he's more into landscape painting, he's doing landscapes all the time that he remembers from his home in Two, and he's even done some doodles of the desolate landscapes of the Capitol. So brutal, so cold and imposing but he's almost always trying to capture what he remembers of the mountains, of the colorful houses of his old neighborhood, Marcus' house he draws it often, he was there many times in the past.

Btw. The only people I think he has portrayed are Marcus and Coriolanus respectively. 25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now? This may come as a bit of a surprise because I breath and I talk about snowjanus all day long, so it's no surprise guess that I'm obsessed with Coriolanus and Sejanus, especially Sejanus, right?

Now what the heck does that have to do with the question? Well before I saw the movie, at least after I read the book and reread it, I really disliked Coriolanus (I still despise him) and I also found him the least interesting in the book because drum roll I WAS OBSESSED WITH SEJANUS (nobody's surprise) AND MARCUS!!!!! Sejarcus is actually my first ship I made in TBOSAS <3

So I was turning them both over in my head those weeks before the movie changed me. First things first I found them the most interesting thing about the story, as obvious, not that Snow's dramas wouldn't have been entertaining but what little information I had about Sejanus, ESPECIALLY HOW LITTLE I KNOW ABOUT MARCUS is what made me obsess over them so badly.

Sejanus first struck me as adorable and I was amazed at the multitudes he contained. He was acting like a scared rabbit most of the time, he was sad and depressed but still had the courage to speak up!!! to try to defend his opinions and really cared about people. It was written in stone I would go crazy for him.

And Marcus… So this isn't very relevant but I really like the dectives genre and this guy IS a perfect mystery. Something that impressed me a lot - and it's something I think about to this day a normal amount - is the contrast between what everyone predicted for him and his end. As everyone keeps saying the odds are that Marcus will be the winner because he is tall and strong but he ends up being, if possible, the biggest loser of the games.

I really almost cried during that scene. And I was really intrigued by his past with Sejanus, the kind gesture, his silence, his isolation, the photograph, the marble heart, the cruelty of fate that he was Sejanus' tribute (or Strabo's cruelty, depending on your interpretation of the matter).

All we knew about Marcus were fragments! less than that! little clear data, which can tell a lot if you are delulu enough and I am delulu enough! I don't think I've changed my opinion of them? or my perception of them. I still love them with my soul... Maybe there are things that I now see more nuanced, for example I now recognize many of Sejanus' flaws (none) but that's ok I love him more for be so full of flaws <3 and maybe I think I now have a more defined interpretation of who Marcus is in my head, I have a playlist and everything.

And that's all. Hope u like this :)) (and if anybody want ask something Im so into it!)

[lindwurmkai]

a while back, i reblogged a post on here that said something along the lines of "it's ok if you don't know a lot about your interests" (it was a bit more elaborate than that) and for some reason i made the mistake to read the comments the next time i saw it.

frustratingly, a lot of people - some of them well-intentioned, even! - expressed the opinion that not knowing much about something automatically meant you were only a casual enjoyer of it. the well-intentioned ones would say things like "yeah, there's nothing wrong with being a casual fan."

(why does that even need to be said? lmao. autism website bias)

this assumption uses the exact same logic as a parent telling you, accusingly, "you wouldn't have forgotten if it was important to you." or the cheerful but no less frustrating version, in response to the child expressing that they forgot what they were going to say: "well, since you forgot, it can't have been important." argh!!

as someone who literally rereads the same damn wikipedia articles multiple times per year because none of the information will stick, i resent the implication that i am in any way "less interested" in those subjects than someone who reads them only once or twice total and then just ... knows that stuff. or that me forgetting details about my favourite media makes me a casual fan. where's the acknowledgement that people with memory problems can still feel the same amount of passion as people who are walking encyclopedias?

well, that's what that post was supposed to be for.

and yeah, to a degree this is absolutely a niche problem: encyclopedic knowledge about one's hobbies is not the norm. but i've had multiple friends - and as far as i'm aware, they weren't even autistic - who made me feel inferior for not knowing as much about our shared interests as they did. one of them also made me feel like a horrible person for not remembering random facts she'd told me, so for a while i literally took notes during all of our phone calls. normal human behaviour!

20 years have passed since then and now my memory problems are much worse. i've been unlearning this ... pressure to "prove my level of interest" for almost a decade, to accept that it's totally fine and cool to in fact just reread the same wikipedia article multiple times per year. i mean, as long as i'm having fun, right??

my inability to memorise facts or even keep them in my head for an hour does limit how much fun i can have, though. you can't really understand advanced texts if you don't remember the basics. i've tried to combat this by literally studying things as if i were back in school, highlighting the important points in physical books i owned and making flashcards ... but that's boring. the only reason i've managed to make it work with language learning is that i have several interests taking turns reinforcing each other.

then again, the language i am technically the most interested in is one i haven't been able to learn much of because i don't have that cycle of reinforcement going on with it and there are fewer learning resources available. intensity of interest is just not the deciding factor.

[naffeclipse]

So, I was going through the Bounty hunter Eclipse tag because I am very normal about him as we all know, and rereading the alternative reveal of y/n's past, I was wondering how that conversation with him goes? You mentioned it's not pretty, but I imagine by this point Eclipse has shown himself worthy enough of the vigilante's (maybe not complete but most of their) trust, because in this timeline he does eventually earn a chain as a gift as well!

On one hand, the vigilante being furious is a given, because it made them panic pretty bad and it wasn't his secret to tell, as much as it wasn't actually a secret. On the other hand it obviously brings to light something that Eclipse is obviously struggling with as well. Clearly it's not the exact same, as he actually enjoys the violence and still craves power, but he is trying to make sure to not cross a certain line to not comlpletely lose what he values even above power: his brothers. In contrast, y/n's motivation is clearly a sense of justice and a desire to make up for the harm they caused, with keeping the detectives coming as a priority shortly after too.

There's lots to discuss on that front! Like y/n exclaiming how it's clear they can't trust him after all, and they knew it (despite that anger towards him probably being in part from a sense of betrayal), and also y/n demanding to know how exactly he knew about that. Or Eclipse asking why it's so different with them? Why are y/n's actions so much more forgivable to his brothers, when arguably they did much worse than him, and they still are on the other side of the law when although violent and admittedly a bit sadistic, he is technically doing things legally (Though I'm sure he toes or crosses the line frequently XD). Which is why he brought it up in the first place in the original argument. Their work is still rather similar even! Because it's not that y/n stopped slaughtering people, as they are capable of gunning down entire gangs almost single handedly. They just now do so with the objective of bettering the city instead of following the lead of the man that would have it rot to its core. Y/n might get even more heated about that because unlike Eclipse, they didn't even have an illusion of a choice. For years it was that or death. (Though they know there were some very mixed feelings about it, with how much anger they used to harbor and that might get mentioned too).

I can see that conversation going south very quickly between them, before it gets better. Maybe they sort of reach an understanding right then, or maybe they end on a sour note and have to rebuild what they had managed from the start? I feel like in this version Eclipse has more ground to claim similarities in their situations, because their ARE some very clear ones between the both of them even in the main SJ (though we know how blind Mafia Boss Eclipse was to the very crucial differences), and that would be an uncomfortable thing to have to confront for y/n I think. Even through their very justified anger towards Eclipse.

Oh and a little off topic, but I also wanted to ask! You mention that y/n does end up stealing one of Eclipse's bells to tie with the others (which I've already expressed how much I love that as symbolism heh X3) but I was curious as to what does he do with those or where he keeps them? I somehow don't see him as the type to wear them, and in main SJ he uses it as a symbol of who is not to be messed with by his gang (or rather who he considers his property which sends the same message). But as a Bounty Hunter, does he keep the ribbons tucked away in a drawer in a safehouse of his (or wherever he lives)? Or would he keep them on his person in a pocket or something as a way to keep his brothers in mind, maybe to remind himself not to go too far again lest he lose them? I'm very curious when and how exactly vigilante manages to snatch one of those haha

This got so much longer than I was expecting but what else is new XD Just goes to show how much I love the way you built these characters heh <3

Oh yesss! I have been mulling this ask over and over in my brain for a few days now, and oh, I'm so excited to get into it!

The conversation is anything but civil. Y/N is whirling from the panic and fear of almost losing their two favorite detectives and devastated by this twisted reveal of their past without their consent. Eclipse is still frustrated and bitter over the fact that his brothers still welcome Y/N with open arms.

That goes as well as you might expect, dissolving into violence and shouting. Before Y/N can run away from him, again, Eclipse catches them in his arms as they struggle to kick and punch but can't really do much but squirm and curse at him. He explains in quick, growling words that he doesn't understand. It's driving him mad that Sunny and Moonie cherish them while his brothers only look at him like a monster. It slowly stalls Y/N's struggle, but not their aching heart.

Y/N doesn't understand either. Not the detectives love for them, and not how Eclipse could give up their past so easily. Y/N is sharp and cruel when they congratulate Eclipse—he fooled them. Round of applause for him. They'll take exit stage left now and let him keep the show he stole and leave with what they can of their misplaced trust.

Eclipse doesn't want this. It hits how much he doesn't want to lose them or this tentative bridge they've built but only now does he see the blaze he just set to it.

He lets them go, without bruise or blood, and Y/N is not settled nor fine, but before they can disappear, Eclipse begs for forgiveness. His plea stops Y/N dead. They look back to him, not believing him, but they have never seen him so contrite. It... it isn't him, but here he is.

Y/N tells him no. He can't have their forgiveness, and in sharp retort just to make sure it hurts a little more, Y/N informs him that they're going to see Sun and Moon because that's still something they're struggling to come to terms with and they desperately need reassurance from those they trust wholeheartedly.

Eclipse is left standing there, boiling in place, but he is frantic in his head while watching them slip away before he can catch and squeeze them.

He doesn't know how to fix this. He doesn't know what to do. He's losing control.

He wants Y/N back but he can't do it with his previous methods of barely withheld bloodlust and his crushing grasp.

But that's a conversation for after wounds are less tender, and a more valiant effort is placed into proving his change of heart, or rather, celestial wire. He needs to gain control, and that begins with himself.

A less angsty answer here for what Eclipse does with his burgundy ribbons and bells, he has one stashed away in his inner suit jacket pocket—a cruel connection to his brothers and a grim reminder of what he's gained freedom from. The other is in his safehouse, tucked away. Y/N steals the one he keeps in his safehouse once he's truly changed for the better (a rare moment when he's caught off guard by their antics) but Eclipse does allow Y/N to have that other bell as well.

Ahhh, thank you so much and thank you for the lovely questions!!!

[not-poignant]

Why doesn't Sebastian remember the stuff he said to Alex when they were younger? Does he really not remember, or is Alex reading it wrong? Also thank you for the chapter!! I'm not going to tell you how many times I reread them all before the next one

Oooo yes I can answer this!

So, let's be real, a lot of teenagers say a lot of insulting shit to other people and frankly just say it and don't remember a lot of it. The brain-to-mouth filter of adolescents in general is not great (which is awesome for having all of that play out in online spaces). I don't know many adults who, when they think about the things they said as a teenager, don't experience some moments of 'oh I maybe shouldn't have said that' and that's just the crap they remember.

(Y'all know it gets long, right?)

This is also especially true if you're insulting someone that you feel justified insulting (like a school bully, someone you've mentally cancelled, someone you hate, someone who rubs you the wrong way, someone who has just said terrible stuff to you so you feel permitted to say terrible stuff to them). Like, in primary school and high school, it's not like your internal set of ethics is necessarily hugely well-defined, and even very well-behaved children can step into accidental or intentional bullying and verbal insults when they feel angry. It's not like we're known for mature emotional regulation of our own anger, especially if you go into places where emotional literacy isn't super high.

Also, with memory formation, it's just incredibly normal to forget a lot of this stuff. Normal and necessary to just growing as a person.

But there's an extra component with Sebastian and Alex, which is that Sebastian was saying a lot of stuff that everyone thought, to the point where I don't even think he considered that he was a lot worse than everyone else about it (which he was, he was horribly verbally abusive towards Alex, and imho, was the worse bully out of the two of them by a long-shot). It wouldn't occur to Sebastian as a kid to think that he was wrong, for example, in calling Alex stupid. Everyone thought it, including Alex.

And finally, a big part of this puzzle is - as we've seen in the story overall - Alex is quite stoic. He prefers not to let people notice he's felt hurt by their words, and in fact, is quite good at pretending that nothing is affecting him at all. He of course learned this from growing up in a domestically violent household where it was dangerous for him to show nearly any emotions at all, but as someone who could be mean to Sebastian, it also made Alex seem like he was never being affected by Sebastian's words. And in that scenario, Sebastian would have gotten angrier and angrier, and more and more determined to say something that finally hurt him, not realising that the very first thing he said hurt, and that he's just said another 15 things that also really hurt him.

So some of Sebastian's memories formed around 'Alex isn't affected by almost everything I say' - and you know, why would you remember that? Alex's memories are radically different, because everything Sebastian said cut him to pieces, but the way he behaved made it seem like they didn't. That's Alex's survival skill, and frankly, Sebastian still really struggles with it, and he's not in the habit of seeing past it. Even now, it sort of takes him a moment to realise - more and more - that this side of Alex who appears unaffected and starts giving these single-word answers is covering for someone who is extremely vulnerable and wounded beneath that.

When Alex says 'it's just words' to dismiss what Sebastian says, after Sebastian has seen him come over depressed, clean silently, and then go to leave, and realises that Alex is like profoundly affected by what Mayor Lewis said to him, he takes a moment to be like 'wait, if he's that affected by what Mayor Lewis said, and now he's telling me it's 'just words' then...it can't be 'just words' at all.'

A lot of this stuff is really hard for Sebastian to process because it goes against every kind of fundamental thing that he's thought about Alex all his life.

So yeah, Sebastian really doesn't remember, he doesn't think of himself as that much of a bully, and certainly not a bad one, and he's still sort of piecing all of this together. One of the reasons he's so reluctant to come to a 'realisation' about Alex is first and foremost - it means Sebastian has to see how ugly his own behaviours were, and that's something a lot of people don't want to see in themselves. So we have this contrasting narrative, as Alex the person who consistently is like 'I bullied you terribly and I deserve bad things' and Sebastian who consistently is like 'I was bullied terribly but I've grown as a person but I'm not going to forget how you treated me either.'

The reality is different. They both bullied each other. Sebastian was a lot more aggressive and insidious about it and also had friends who backed him up (leading to 3-against-1 scenarios all the time), because Alex seemed unaffected by anything Sebastian said. Alex doesn't deserve terrible things, Sebastian doesn't deserve terrible things, and they both have grown as people.

But Sebastian owes Alex some genuine apologies, and some real thought about the whole scenario, and Alex also needs to get better at talking about this stuff.

And y'know, that's why we're here, reading this fic. :D

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Twelve

Hello, hi, I'm the problem - it's me. I haven't been as diligent in reading this nightmare of a memoir recently because life has been entirely too busy. But I slept well last night and just learned that my plans for the evening are canceled so I thought I'd hop back in for a little bit - at least until I can't take it anymore.

All the previous parts of this readthrough can be found here.

Previously

EP dates a woman and they are very closeted

eventually this leads to their relationship ending

EP uses the word "euphoria" which I hate

EP gets almost high off writing about wearing swim trunks once when she was a kid

EP writes about a gay man in a way that would make me consider punching someone were I that gay man

and there was gratuitous use of the word "queer" to describe people who were, at least at the time of the events in the book, not "queer," as one was EP as a girl and the other was some kid's brother she knew, who might have been gay and who might have just been effeminate... and upon rereading this the only reason she did this was because he was wearing a Speedo?

your writer hates that with a burning passion and once again pled for EP to stop retroactively assigning "queer" to people for the sake of a memoir (RAQ for short)

Now

Chapter Seventeen

we start off with EP making plans to tell off her stepmother and her father for harassing her when she next goes home

your writer supports this

she never does it

instead her father comes to visit her in LA

he tells her he wants to talk about something that happened when she was a kid

this makes her nervous

instead of apologizing for the way he and her stepmother treated her, he instead says that he's sorry for causing her any stress by leaving EP's mom, but he knows he wouldn't have had the amazing relationship he has with Linda

this is devastating to EP

damn straight, fuck Linda

EP tells her dad she has to go to therapy and leaves early

she gets in a fender-bender on the way there

this is a completely normal response to talking to a parent and is not horrifying at all

Jesus fuck woman

thankfully the chapter ends here, with EP telling us that it would take years before she eventually says something (can't wait to read that part and I actually mean that, it's not sarcasm)

Chapter Eighteen

at age 12 EP decides that no matter what, acting will be her future

she makes friends with a weird kid named Jack who helps her work on her lines and makes videos to send out for auditions

they also play games and form the Pigeon Party

what's that, you ask?

whenever I hear about pigeons it just reminds me of the great Tom Lehrer song, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," and not enough people know about that, so here it is for your listening pleasure; Tom Lehrer is a genius and if you take nothing else away from my readthrough of this badly-written memoir, please take away a love for Tom Lehrer's hilarious songs

moving right along, EP's friends tell her that she would be cooler if she didn't hang out with Jack

but like a good friend EP sticks with Jack, even though he's weird and kids hate him (A+ work, EP)

EP goes off to Saskatchewan to film a movie and enjoys it

she meets a guy named Mark and they become friends

they share some of the same pressures and the same hidden emotional issues

EP writes that eventually she drifted away from Jack, annoyingly because her tastes become more mature, which caused your writer to roll her eyes (but just a little)

she meets up with Jack again when they're in their twenties, but frustratingly, writes nothing about how the meet-up goes, just about where Jack was living at the time

and your writer once again is abhorred by how terribly this is all written and surrenders

[auratusaria]

Helloooo,

I was wondering if you could continue the Swan Lake story

At this point you should just call it a snippet series 😅

Please and thank you, and only if you want to 💕💕💕

Love,

@heroes-villains-side-blog

Ehehe xD That's true. Time to give it a name then!

The Clumsy Knight and the Clueless Swan

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Villain took a deep breath as they rounded the corner of a tree, Right Hand following behind them. It had been two days since they last visited Hero, they weren't at all nervous that it took two days before they mustered up the courage to face them again after rereading the story of The Princess of Swan Lake, no no, they were simply busy with other more important tasks! Even now, they weren't so nervous that they had to steady their breathing, they're just tired!

The lake soon came to view, the moonlight shone beautifully in the sky, illuminating the surrounding. It seemed like a spotlight on their nemesis who stood so gorgeous-- HORRIBLY-- in the lake. Villain couldn't help but stare.

Hero turned around to face them, placing their hands on their hips as their mouth formed into a small pout, "What are you staring for?"

Villain snapped out of it, turning away and coughing as a means of clearing their throat, "I was... I was-- JUST appalled by your looks!"

"Did you seriously just came here to insult me after ditching me two days ago? You good for nothing!"

"Huh?! Who's the one currently trapped in a single lake because they weren't careful enough to not provoke a powerful Supervillain?!"

"Oh! So now it's my fault for doing my job?!" Hero angrily marched towards Villain.

"It's always been your fault! For being such a do-gooder and being so effortlessly pretty--" Villain froze while Hero tipped their head to the side and furrowed their eyebrows.

"Pretty?"

"P-pretty-- ...USELESS!"

Hero frowned, smacking Villain's shoulder and normally Villain would hit back but right now, they're quite glad for it in snapping some sense back to them. "You're useless! Just find a way to get rid of this curse already!"

Villain took a deep breath, trying their hardest to compose themself. Their heart is beating so loudly in their chest they can somewhat hear it through their ears. "Why do I even have to do that?" Their voice was still unsteady but at least some of their composure was coming back.

Hero's expression changed, their annoyance turning to confusion as they raised an eyebrow, "Well... That's what the witch said."

Now it was Villain's turn to be confused, blinking a couple of times, "Huh?"

"I don't know! The witch just said that I'll have to wait for someone to break the curse for me! And since you're here then why not you, right?"

...Huh?

"Hero... Don't tell me you haven't read or even watched the fairytale from where your curse is based off of?"

The do-gooder tilted their head, "No."

HUH?

"HOW?!"

"What do you mean how?! I'm busy! And currently stuck!"

The criminal was in complete disbelief, "It's a classic??? Older than both you and I??? Then what did you watch in your childhood?"

"Superhero stuff! How else did you think I wanted to be in the industry?"

Villain felt their soul leave their body as they could only stare at their nemesis. It was already hard enough for them to go back here with the knowledge of how to break the curse, but for Hero to not even know the general story of it makes everything harder. How do they tell Hero about it? Should they even tell Hero about it? This is a disaster, a complete disaster! Why do they even want to break the curse, why can't they just leave Hero here along with the other swans, why did they even have to fall for the enemy...

[daz4i]

Honestly I'm with you that it is pretty hard not to get jealous whenever a fic gets suuuuper popular like that. Like when they write a fic, they get an entire fan base and waves upon waves of fanart; when I write a fic I get like three single sentence comments and one person listing every single thing wrong with it.

I know they don't decide to have that happen but like... What am I doing wrong? I'm trying my absolute best, I'm rereading and rewriting like ten times to make sure it's as perfect as it could possibly be, but no matter what I try, nothing works. Meanwhile they're like "yeah sorry wasn't feeling too well lately so this chapters not as good" and they get hundreds of comments, playlists for the their fic and a whole gallery worth of fan art.

Maybe I'm just bitter but it really does just crush your motivation and self esteem after a while.

this is an understandable reaction tbh 😔

for what it's worth, i don't think you're doing anything wrong. i can't say for sure bc none of my fics ever reached wild popularity or smth but i assume in their case it's a combination of

popular ship in an already popular fandom (also, gen usually doesn't catch on unless you're VERY lucky)

existing following. i noticed a lot of popular fic writers usually have a bunch of followers from stuff like art already

luck. ofc

common tropes. easily digestible stuff that is kind of familiar

length and consistent long term updates usually help (like, spreading it out as multiple updates keeps you at the top of tags when ppl click them)

this isn't for all of them. but like. one thing i noticed. and i mean this nicely. is smth i wanna call wattpad-style writing? kind of an underlying edgy vibe like more swears and ppl reacting to things in kind of extreme ways at times. every most-popular-fic-in-the-fandom i read fit that description, so. (i assume it's bc a big part of any fandom is teenagers, and this, well, fits a teen mindset)

if you don't wanna fall into common tropes and stick only to popular ships, it's better to stick to writing for fun, as hard as it is sometimes with no external validation 😔

i see why this would be very discouraging. i think ik who you are off-anon, and if I'm right then i saw comments you got on fics before, and yeah i would definitely get discouraged by these too

i think if you don't gain any joy from writing, it may be good to find an additional hobby, or try a different type of writing for now maybe :? (like if fics aren't working, try original work. or dabble in poetry. or switch up the genres etc. doesn't even have to be a long term thing, just to scratch the creative itch for now, and maybe get inspired to write what you're used to again)

i imagine you're probably tired of hearing that you should write for you and don't have to post it. bc i get wanting to get validation. so instead I'll tell you this is an extremely valid feeling, including the jealousy part. this is a very normal reaction honestly, and i could never blame you for having it

i will say tho! you should channel that feeling somewhere. not for others, but for your own sake. don't let bitterness eat at you or you'll always be miserable, and you deserve better than that :(

finding a new hobby can help with self-esteem (like, for example, baking smth and enjoying how it tastes, and feeling proud of yourself for making smth that tastes good) and is a good way to let out creative energy! it will take time, but maybe slowly you'll be able to lay out building blocks that will eventually make you feel confident enough in your own creation to not need external validation :0!

(ofc, you don't have to listen to any of this. please make sure to go at your own pace as well! either way i hope things turn out well for you, and i thank you for sharing your honest feelings with me!!)

[pixyys]

At this point, I am looking forward to when you truly see the magnificence of jokes.

That definitely came out of your mouth, my dear sister. You know, I'm starting to think that you may have a 'crush' on Lippmann... but I won't intervene. And what on earth is that? If you do print it out and hang it around my base, be prepared for Silver coming to slap you. You do know that she does not take artistic sacrilege lightly.

... My goodness, you never stop, do you? No, you are not permitted to continue it even if you bring the Panadol. And I can ask Lippmann for his beauty clinic, since he is always offering to bring me along.

Your determination for Silver and I to get married is frightening. At this rate, I'm considering not even proposing to her. /lh

Chuuya is an intimidating person, but if you get close to him, you'll see that he actually cares... just in a more brash way. And I'm glad that karma is finally taking an action against you. It was about damn time that you got punished for your jokes. lmao /j

And a welcoming gift for Nakahara? Feel free to, however be sure to bring him something really nice to apologise. But please don't bring your corny jokes and pickup lines along with you, or Chuuya might just blast you into a wall.

-🎹

P.S. You seem really insistent on getting to know Lippmann more.

hehe, don't fret, brother. i'm just messing with you. rest assured i'll tone down my shenanigans and mischief. for real, this time.

NOO DON'T SAY THAT, it might come true. what i feel about lippmann is, well, just a momentary curiosity. sure, my mind goes blank when i see him laugh, or my face burn when he smiles at me. but that's normal. definitely not a 'crush.'..right? anyway, enough about me. i see you saw my violint message! >:D but i don't want to get slapped by silver, so point taken. i'll refrain from committing further acts of sacrilege.

for now.

aww, well. can't say i tried, haha. i'll still bring you some of those panadol though, just in case. i owe you at least that much. but what's this about lippmann having a beauty clinic?? i didn't know this. now that is sacrilege. this will make a good conversation starter though. i'm going to have to thank you for this unexpected information.

and noooo don't do that! i mean, look at you! you can't convince me someone will look at you and silver, and not root you. well, my approach must've been a tiny bit too forward, so please forgive me if it made both you feel unnerved. though, i'm still keeping my list of event organizers and wedding card designs, hehe.

i knew it. now i'm more intrigued about this nakahara chuuya. he seems like an interesting individual, i'm looking forward to know him further. for the karma part, i'm not looking forward to. gee, thank you so much for the kind reassurance, brother./ lmaoo

and of course not! what kind of person am i if i gift someone with simple 'corny jokes' and pickup lines? obviously, i'm going to gift him something decent, then include the jokes in the greeting card. hehe, genius. i've have no idea what to gift him, though. definitely not a pet axolotl, that much i can tell.

p.s. listen, i reread this message over and over again. it's getting embarrassing that you might be right. how many times did i even mention lippmann here? let's not talk about it. anyway! have you gone to that amusement park with silver? did you win her any prize or plushies? did silver hold onto you tight when you entered the haunted house? did you both hold hands and gaze at each other's eye during sunset in the ferris wheel? do tell me all of the details. silver's looking a bit down lately, so i hope you both had fun at the amusement park.

[goforth-ladymidnight]

❄️ Hello!! It’s me again! ❄️

Very excited to tell you that I officially have a clear idea for your gift 🎁. It may end up more fluffy and romantic than angsty but I looked through your works and it seems like you enjoy that vibe so I hope it’s ok!!

I’ll be popping into your inbox every now and then to update you and ask you some silly questions because I really enjoy reading your replies 🤭.

Fun questions of the day:

-What are some of your favorite books?

-What do you think tamcien’s love languages would be?

Have a good weekend!!

-🎅🎄

Oh!! Hi Santa! I am so excited!!! 🤩

I know I went on and on about angst, but fluffy romance is right up my alley! I can't wait. 🥰

I am so glad to hear from you so often, and I'm so pleased that you like hearing my answers! ❤️ I don't often get the chance to ramble that often, so thanks for letting me! 😙

Fun answers of the day:

Favorite books? This is one of my favorite topics. GAH! Are you ready for this? Buckle up, Buttercup!

I discovered both A Wrinkle in Time and The Chronicles of Narnia when I was a pre-teen, and they are still my go-to classics when I need to read something cozy in bed. ("It was a dark and stormy night", my beloved.)

Because I liked to collect "Accelerated Reading points" for my reading classes in school, I discovered some classics that I might not have otherwise read. (I'm not sure where you're from, but essentially A.R. is a program where books with a higher reading level were given more points that you could cash in for prizes like stickers, pencils, or even T-shirts. I rocked those T-shirts as a pre-teen. Just sayin'.)

I read things like A Scarlet Letter, Animal Farm, and Moby Dick, all without being assigned by a teacher! Some I liked better than others (Moby Dick's Whiteness of the Whale, my beloathed), but I was a voracious reader, just the same.

While I never did fall in love with Pride and Prejudice like my friends did, I adored The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy! It basically laid the groundwork for such popular heroes like Zorro and Batman, and no, I'm not kidding.

Accelerated Reading was not emphasized as much by the time I reached high school, so I started reading more fantasy novels. I still prefer The Hobbit to The Lord of the Rings, for example, but the inverse is true of the movies, haha.

I tend to prefer fairy tale retellings over original fantasy, just because I like to know what I'm getting into. That's one reason I picked up ACOTAR! Well, the first reason is I discovered the Adult Coloring Book in a local bookstore, but I was intrigued by the artwork and the excerpts I read.

One such retelling that I recently fell in love with is "Heart's Blood" by Juliet Marillier, which is Beauty and the Beast set in ancient Ireland. I don't normally go for Historical Fantasy (since I prefer fantastical settings), but I was intrigued by the mystery of ✨The Enchantment✨. And the way the author wove it into the magic of the mirrors around the castle just blew my mind when I first read it. It felt like such a fresh take on the classic fairy tale, even though I've read at least five different retellings of the story so far.

One of those that I still dearly love is "Beauty: A Retelling of Beauty and the Beast" by Robin McKinley. It's definitely a slower read than some of the more modern retellings, as it came out in the 1970s, but I am convinced that Disney took notes from this work, since McKinley's Beauty is an avid reader, and so is Belle. I don't recall any prior adaptation that made her interested in books.

That being said, one of my absolute favorite Robin McKinley books is "Sunshine", which I'm reading now, in fact. I try to reread it every October. It's got Vampires, Cinnamon Rolls the size of your head, and a character who's trying her hardest to be normal after being kidnapped by said Vampires. What's not to love?

I could go on, but I think that's a pretty good start. However, my list of Honorable Mentions includes: the short stories of Peter S. Beagle (who wrote "The Last Unicorn"), Sherwood Smith's "Crown Duel" duology, and Garth Nix's "Sabriel". The worldbuilding in all of these is just top-tier. I love them all.

Now, finally, onto your second question. 😅 Tamcien's love languages, an exploration:

First, Tamlin:

Words of Affirmation: Yes, he struggles with compliments (Exhibit A: "Your hair is... clean"), but he seems to do better with the written word when composing limericks. When he whispers an "I love you, thorns and all" late at night, you know he means it. Still, this is probably not his number one love language. It's supposed to be something that comes naturally, after all.

Acts of Service: He gave Feyre a fully furnished painting studio, and he enlisted Nuan's help to fix Lucien's eye, but I can't think of that many examples, to be honest. He does hunt down creatures like The Bogge to make sure they don't terrorize his people or his lands, but these acts could also be boiled down to his duty as High Lord.

Gifts: Again we have the painting studio as evidence, but traditionally, it's the smaller just-because-I-was-thinking-of-you gifts that indicate the strength of this particular love language. I'm not convinced.

Quality Time: Now we're getting somewhere. The glen, the pool of starlight, the meadow with the singing willow, all of these special locations are places where Tamlin can just let his hair down and relax. He doesn't need to talk, and neither does his companion. He's just content to lie back and bask in their company.

Physical Touch: This one is tricky, because my first thought is that this one would be it. However. I think he gets "touched out" more often than not and needs to recharge. His main power is shapeshifting, which already takes a toll, but he's also expected to participate in the Great Rite every year, so it's less about intimacy and more about duty. That being said, I think he is definitely touch-starved at this point in the story, and it will take a lot of time and trust to let anyone get close to him again.

Final answer: Quality Time.

Next up, Lucien:

Words of Affirmation: At least in Book 1, Lucien is sassy and snarky, but when he gets called on it, he has been known to resort to overt flattery (Exhibit A: "Your eyes are like stars, and your hair like burnished gold"). Later on in the novel, Lucien admires Feyre's Solstice attire and says she looks "positively Fae", while Tamlin's comment is more sincere: "You look beautiful". I would therefore say that this is not Lucien's first love language.

Acts of Service: Lucien helped Feyre multiple times during her stay Under the Mountain, but it was, as he said "for Tamlin's sake". We do learn that he truly does care for Feyre later on, but this does not seem to be his primary love language, either.

Gifts: Like Tamlin, gifts from a faerie seem to come from a sense of obligation, rather than "thinking of you". The ruby dagger was something he gave up to reward Feyre for freeing the Suriel when she didn't have to. So I would say that Gifts isn't it, either.

Quality Time: He tags along with Tamlin and Feyre on many of their outings, but more than once he makes excuses to let them be alone. He seems too impatient to just sit and linger.

Physical Touch: I think this might be it, actually. Although it's never shown in the text, it is implied that he enjoys dalliances with other faeries while out on patrol. When Feyre has a nightmare in Book 3 (or pretends to), his method of comfort is to embrace her. Interestingly enough, I think he is more self-conscious about his scar and his eye than he would like to admit, and so he uses snark to keep people at arm's length until he decides they're allowed to approach. While Tamlin seems to be afraid of hurting people because of how strong he is, I think Lucien is more afraid of being hurt, like he was by Amarantha. Is there any correlation to your love language being used to wound you? I think so. For Tamlin, who seems to value Quality Time, his worst nightmare is to be left alone, even if he thinks that's what he wants. And for Lucien, it would be physical abuse, since a pat on the shoulder or a fond embrace seems to come so naturally to him.

Final Answer: Physical Touch.

Now I know that I relied a lot on canon to come up with these answers, and Tamcien's relationship is nothing but platonic in the series, but I can't help but think the same answers apply to their fanon pairing.

Imagine Lucien braiding Tamlin's hair while he lies back and relaxes (I think @/lucychanart has a piece depicting this, actually). Or Tamlin brushing a kiss against Lucien's scar, to remind him that it doesn't change how he feels about him. Or the two of them putting their heads together as they pore over a map in Tamlin's office. Lucien putting a hand over Tamlin's when his claws threaten to come out, and reminding him to take a deep breath.

That's not to say that they wouldn't also express their love in other ways, like the aforementioned "I love you"s or giving one another gifts once in a while, but for the common, everyday expressions of love, it's got to be Quality Time and Physical Touch. ❤️

Thank you for letting me ramble! This was a wonderful exercise. 😊

I hope you have a good weekend, too, Santa! I look forward to hearing from you again, whenever that may be. 🥰

[sionnaigh]

Hey you

I think about you a lot. I tend to romanticize what we had. I can't stop thinking about us staring at the sky, exploring forests and swimming in lakes. I miss making dinner out of the trunk of our car in the middle of nowhere, on a mountain, near a creak. I miss your encouragement. You were a rock, stoic but resilient. You knew how to get things done. I saw your pride when walking next to me and it made me all fuzzy. I miss meeting new people and how fluently you were able to keep conversations going. Sitting in our garden, laughing until the sun rose again. Enjoying breakfast in the morning sun. I miss the forest that was just around the corner and the foxes and the deer in the street and the critters in the grass. I miss the view through the bedroom window. I miss cuddling up to you looking through it and listening the world waking up. To the birds flocking in those trees.

But then I read the few messages I kept and the way you casually told me you got an orgasm while dreaming of raping me as punishment and how funny you thought that was.

I reread the letter I send you and remember how you ignored everything I wrote in it just to tell me to act normal and I never brought it up again.

I wasted my time keeping an eye on your tinder and the sentence 'if we match text the fuck back" has been such a strong reminder that you are not a kind person.

You promised to keep my heart safe by not taking any drugs when you went party without me because you would overdo lt and it scared the shit out of me and every time you slipped you told me like a wee little pup and I forgave you every time for breaking that promise. And then you made me promise the same and I kept my promise for years before slipping once and you never looked at me the same. Going out alone became a shore - how to keep your man happy so you can step out the door without feeling guilty you're going out alone?

You were not nice to the people I met and introduced to you. There was always something off about them, you said. But you're off too, love. It's why we all flock together. How can you not see that? But whenever you introduced someone to me, there wasn't an issue to be found.

You were always there when I needed you a little - you would cook if I couldn't, you would clean if I couldn't, you would walk the dog if I couldn't. But the nights and days I couldn't stop crying because my brain was on fire and I couldn't construct a single comprehensive thought about what I'm feeling, you would leave me. In the bathroom, in the garden, on the streets. The times I cried my guts out, you ran.

When you asked me to marry you, you said you thought about me and the way I am, and that I am worth it, 'even as I am'. Even with all my problems and pain and flaws. Even. What does that even mean.

But I spend hours with your grandma cleaning the outside wall you fucked up with paint when you threw it around in a rage.

When you couldn't get out of bed because life was so heavy you couldn't breathe, I took your hand and called the right people and within two days there had been three people contacting you to fix your problem for you and you could breathe again.

You dragged me home without complaining, once, when I drank too much and ended up with two friends. Looking back I always felt that was a safe moment but now I can't stop remembering the time you found me in the bathroom and you kicked my leg to wake me up and said 'thats so grand of you' and then left me there to suffocate. Whenever you drank too much and started vomiting through mornings I'd check up on you a million times. Which wasn't new because I had to do it with my ex as well. I didn't want you to die. I didn't want you to choke, y'know. And when I brought up that hey, maybe drinking so much you vomit every time isn't so healthy and hey maybe we could try together to do less drugs when going out, you snapped and said I was controlling and overreacting. And after a few weeks you changed your mind, but not before making me feel like everything I asked of you was a way to control you. I wanted you to not die and you called me controlling.

I am missing you. And there are a million moments that pull my heartstrings randomly. 'miss him. You had so much fun, miss him', and I guess I do. I miss this carefully remembered good version of something that was never healthy, just familiar. And it's scary because what else am I not seeing in my life, in my relationships with people?

Actively trying to remember everything, including the bad, is exhausting. And normally I'm really good at remembering only the bad shit. I am good at remembering what hurts, but I guess that's what I'm doing. Remembering what hurts. Remembering that you were good for me, even when you weren't. Because none of the hurtful shit will ever be able to hurt me as badly as the feeling of being left. Abandoned. Forgotten. Erased. An insignificant memory. A passer-by. That all these fond memories that I have, mean nothing to you.

You are a piece of shit. And you knew that. I am a piece of shit as well, and you knew that too. From day one I told you what I do when I feel trapped, but somewhere you forgot. I kept forgiving your pain and the pain that it caused me, and you forgot about mine. I held your hand, and you let go of my claw. We told each other exactly what we are and you didn't return the favor of softness to me and I accepted that because it wasn't soft but it was softer than anything I ever felt.

Nothing can make me forgive myself for what I did but simultaneously I don't think it would have been better if I didn't.