#renhyun

[kiiyunz]

⠀⠀  (  2:33 Ꮺ  )  ⠀DREAM are kihyun’s inseparable bonds, the friendships that won’t snap even after they’ve been tested with the many petty squabbles and rising tensions that come with trying to figure out if you have what it takes to survive in the cut-throat world that idols inhabited. after all, you don’t spend the overwhelming majority of your teenage-into-young-adult life with seven other people (or twenty seven, in its most extreme) just to continue to harbour a grudge for them because of the time they accidentally tripped you up in the practice room back in 2014. it didn’t work like that—it couldn’t afford to work like that. he’s a part of them as much as they’re a part of him, and the blood between them is anything but bad. he treasures his members, adores them more than himself and lets that fact be known whenever he’s given the opportunity. he found his first home in DREAM, and although he’d drift off to others occasionally, it would stay like that for as long as he was an idol—and even longer still.

마크  &  기현⠀───⠀MARKI

they were close from the first introduction. the first time mark saw the freshly-twelve kihyun standing in front of the rest of the new trainees he felt like he wanted to wrap him up in a hug and try to help him with his homework even if he was stuck on the same questions. kihyun felt similarly drawn to mark; he thought the older was cool,  especially when he found out that he could rap, and even more so when he learnt mark was from canada—a place that, to him at the time, felt & sounded further than he’d ever be able to go. they bonded over their similar interests and things in common quickly and fell into easy friendship even quicker, fast becoming one of the more common pairs to see around together in the breaks they got from lessons or practices.

kihyun considers mark to be one of his main support systems and, to the surprise of some, mark thinks the same of kihyun. they bounce off of each other with ease and are never far away from laughter when they’re by each others side. they can share quiet affection or loud admiration, mark tripping over himself to be involved in whatever kihyun’s doing and kihyun eager to be near mark and latch onto his hand, or hang off of his back. they crack jokes and share food and trade compliments like a second nature.

mark’s graduation hit kihyun hard, as it did with the rest of the dreamies. he’d lost a major pillar of his life, someone who’d been there since his early teens and stayed there to where he was then, because of a system that had been decided by the company. he was born two years too late, and now he’d have to try to get through things while feeling as if he was standing on unsteady feet. of course they kept in contact, tried to meet up as much as they could outside of the schedules they no longer shared, but it felt infinitely harder. the day they all got the news mark would be rejoining for good felt like one of his happiest. he’d never screamed louder, hugged him tighter. he had someone he loved right back by his side again, and this time there was no threat of him leaving anytime soon.

nowadays they’re as close as ever—closer, even. there’s never not a moment in any content, even if it’s just for a second, where mark’s not throwing himself over kihyun and peppering him with air kisses and over-the-top affection, and kihyun’s pulling a face and complaining that “this hyung likes me too much” when in reality he’s holding him just as tight. they’re two burning stars, staying close and shining on.

런쥔  &  기현⠀───⠀RENHYUN

renjun seemed like everything kihyun wanted to be at fourteen, even if the older was only fifteen himself: cool, calm, and collected. kihyun was drawn to him, wanted to get on his good side and make friends with the newest trainee face around the company, but didn’t exactly know how to start up a conversation. the problem wasn’t a language barrier (as kihyun had heard renjun was bilingual, and that only served to make him think of him as even cooler) but rather his own fear of messing up. it seemed a little out-of-character for him, even then, but kihyun was scared he’d try and say hello and then his voice would crack, and then his laces would come untied when he turned to try and run away, and then he’d fall flat on his face in front of him while renjun scoffed and rolled his eyes before stalking off like the rich villain in a kdrama, never to speak to him again.

mark had burst out laughing when kihyun relayed his worries to him, and it took a small pep talk and promise to buy him ice cream for kihyun to finally reach out and make the first move by striking up a conversation with him after a dance practice—and, of course, when he did he found that all his fears were baseless after all. while it was a little hard to find some common ground to bond over at first, their shared love of singing soon broke the walls for them to find more and more shared qualities, and before long they were sharing smiles and breaking out into laughter over inside jokes that they refused to share the details of to any others asking.

their affection for each other only grew over the years they shared together. while most of dream and other members were known for and seen being clingy with renjun, always pestering him for attention and the like, kihyun seemed to be one of the only ones that had his constant hugs and entangling of fingers and hands trailing from hair to waists to dangling earrings reciprocated. it wasn’t all of the time, but it was more often than most—and kihyun took those moments and treasured them, giving back whatever closeness he got tenfold.

renjun also works as someone who helps to calm kihyun down in his more overexcitable moments, to slow him on his fast-track path. his energy and the speed at which he always wants to move are usually good things, but sometimes they’re less so. sometimes he goes too fast, and starts to spin out of control. those times are when renjun steps in to put a hand on his shoulder and tell him to take a breath, to steady himself on his feet before he runs risk of falling headfirst. that’s mainly where their dynamic stands now: a wild rocket of a mood-maker and his quiet guiding star, full of often overlooked—but very much there—love for one another.

제노 & 기현⠀───⠀JENKI

kihyun declared jeno as his new favourite hyung after his very first conversation with him—much to mark’s dismay. he just felt like he loved him already, the feeling too large to be kept to himself for long. there was so much to like about jeno that kihyun felt like he needed to share it with everyone, that he needed to cling onto the older boy every chance he got. they bonded over jeno running through routines that kihyun just couldn’t seem to get down with him after most of the other trainees had left, sneaking out of the dorms for late-night runs for ice cream or doughnuts even if they knew they were supposed to be on a diet, their shared hatred of maths,  and sending songs they thought the other would like back and forth.

seeking out jeno’s attention became something of a second nature as the months went on. if he’d found a new and cool-looking game his first instinct was to find jeno and tell him that he might like it, if he’d done particularly well in practice the person he told first was most likely jeno, and if he wanted to go out to eat the person on the top of his list to ask to accompany him was.. well, jeno. they did everything they could together, and while some thought kihyun was more of an overly clingy and at some times too-much dongsaeng than a friend, for jeno he was one of his closest companions in the company, someone he held just as dear to him as jaemin. he would always be found indulging kihyun, giving in easily to whatever he asked with a smile and a laugh as he let himself be tugged along.

in an effort to try and repay him for all of the times jeno had went along with whatever kihyun had asked of him without complaint, he started to try and reciprocate—to try and throw himself into whatever jeno liked as much as the older did to things he preferred. videogames was where he thought to start, and jeno was beyond flattered when kihyun first asked to play with him, seeing as the younger had made his dislike for them known, complaining whenever he was asked to join in that they couldn’t keep his attention for more than five minutes. despite this, he started asking to join a party or hop on a game whenever he had nothing to do and jeno was playing and tried his best anyway, both of them screaming and jumping around and celebrating far too loudly whenever the other got so much as a kill. jeno thinks kihyun makes gaming more fun, and kihyun’s happy as long as jeno’s happy.

if jeno was a planet then kihyun would be his orbiting moon, never straying far or leaving for long (if at all). he’s said on more than one occasion that he’s one of the members he likes the most, and that’s a sentiment that’s very much reciprocated.

해찬 & 기현⠀───⠀KIHAE

much like with renjun, kihyun felt a little intimidated by donghyuck when he first met him. he’s never admitted it to the older vocalist—and probably never will, because he knows full well that haechan will never let him live it down—but when he was younger he had a bit of a crush on him. he just seemed like the ultimate mood-maker, the sun that brightened up every room he walked into with the added bonus of having the voice of an angel. he stuttered and stumbled and embarrassed himself through their minimal conversations, always walking away with his cheeks feeling uncomfortably warm and heart jumping in his chest before he ran to find mark and complain about how much of a fool he’d made of himself. and while mark wasn’t exactly as eager to encourage kihyun to push through his fears and start a proper conversation as he would be with renjun, he at least tried to assure him that it wouldn’t be as frightening as it seemed and diligently listened to all of his rants while providing head pats or words of comfort where appropriate to do so.

he finally made the first move a few weeks before the one of their monthly evaluations when he wandered into what he thought to be an empty practice room only to find donghyuck still going over his lines for his performance by himself, looking a little delirious from lack of sleep and who knows what else. he decided that in that moment it was probably more important to make sure the older boy was alright instead of worrying about how his hair looked, and only took a small moment to hype himself up before going over to ask if he was feeling okay. it was a little awkward at first, but haechan’s stubbornness that he needed to practice soon fell flat when faced with the full force of kihyun’s growing desperation with his attempts to get the older to take better care of himself. that evening was the catalyst that set off them quickly becoming as thick as thieves in the coming weeks after that, and donghyuck has mentioned once or twice that he’s still thankful for kihyun reaching out that night when he could’ve just as easily bowed out and left the room instead.

kihyun’s crush faded into something more like general admiration for haechan as they got closer. music was something they both treasured and usually their moments of bonding included swapping playlists or raving about the latest release from an artist they both liked, breaking out into impromptu karaoke sessions no matter where they were or who they were with and often dissolving into so much laughter that none of the words could be made out. they’re each others biggest fans, always on the sidelines of whatever one of them is doing (standing offside at solo shootings for concept photos or music videos, behind the glass watching on for recording sessions, one watching with fond eyes as while stylists poke and prod at the other—the list goes on) to coo and take pictures and shower the other with compliments, waiting ready to wrap them in a hug or latch onto their side when they’re done.

and although their love for one another is usually showcased in nothing but the loudest of ways, they can be quiet when it fits them too. it can be seen in the small linking of their pinkies if one just needs something to ground them, the offering up of shoulders for the other to sleep on in the car rides back to the dorms, the silent smiles of reassurance and comfort whenever needed. they’re twin comets, racing each other through the sky and leaving playful trails of starlight behind them.

재민 & 기현⠀───⠀KIMIN

kihyun and jaemin didn’t get off to a great start. kihyun had already been at sm for a good few months before jeno & jaemin joined the rest of the trainees, and while with jeno it was an instant connection, with jaemin it wasn’t quite as easy. the older boy’s initial nervousness at the new place, the new routine, the new people he had to be around pretty much all the time translated into some slightly awkward behaviour around the rest while he got accommodated, and kihyun misread it as something of a cold shoulder. where jaemin was more talkative or playful with the others he felt stilted and odd to kihyun, and his natural response to that was to blank him completely. he barely talked to him if he didn’t have to for any smrookies content, barely spared him a smile if their eyes met or they passed in the halls, and even if he was in the middle of talking to jeno, if jaemin came up to them he would make his excuses and slip off.

he would’ve stayed petty and rude for far longer had jeno not stepped in a few months into the cold war brewing between the people who had quickly become two of his closest friends. he couldn’t stand the people he loved most hating each other, and so one day he ushered both of them into the dorm room and shut the door firmly behind him as he left, pleading with them before he bolted to “make up? please? for me, at least!”

when they took that chance to sit down and talk things out, and jaemin revealed that he was just feeling a little out-of-place and awkward (and a little intimidated of the younger boy, since he’d been there a while longer than him), kihyun was beside himself with embarrassment and apologies—which jaemin brushed off easily, and assured him was fine. from that day on (to jeno’s immense delight) they started to make the tentative first steps into friendship, and it didn’t take that long before they were as close with each other as they were with jeno. they cracked each other up with their less-than-stellar and heavily accented english, playfully bickered over green tea and hot weather and all the other things one liked but the other didn’t, and on occasion snuck out to find new places to eat or just to escape when it all felt a little too much at the dorms.

on and off camera it wouldn’t be a surprise to see one of them clinging to the other, or pulling any number of strange faces at each other and then bursting into fits of laughter while the others look on in confusion. they entertain themselves easily and are never bored when in the other’s company. instead of anything else in space, they’re the aliens on unknown planets—in their own worlds when they’re together, doing and saying things that only make sense to the two of them.

辰樂 & 기현⠀───⠀HYUNLE

there was a shared interest they both had in one another right from the start, but there was also a few hurdles to jump over too. the first was the language barrier, chenle not being the greatest at korean and kihyun wanting to burst into tears as soon as he so much as looked at a chinese dictionary after a sudden burst of inspiration to learn the language. renjun came in handy with that one, but he wasn’t always around, and when he wasn’t the two had to resort to online translator websites (which, while they worked, always caused a bit of awkwardness while one waited for the other to type out what they wanted to say). the second was the lack of time they had to really sit down and get to know each other, seeing as chenle joined a mere two months before they were set to debut. there was so much for the newcomer to do, what with the choreography he had to learn and lines he had to record and lessons he had to go to, that he never really found a minute of downtime to sit and talk to his same-age friend.

they only really got closer a month or so after their debut, when everything had slowed down a little. they found their need for the translation websites were lessening, and they were able to talk more freely and were soon cracking jokes and starting playful arguments like they’d known each other for years instead of only a handful of months. they were practically attached at the hip, teaming up to reign terror over the other members and having far too much fun doing it. the rest weren’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse that they’d found each other. their chemistry is easy, natural, and they bounce off of each other with ease. with them it’s less showering the other in compliments and the like and more trading playful insults or disses (even while they’re wrapped up in each other’s arms backstage or in a practice room). they’ll complain about each other on every platform they own in all languages they know well enough to type in and then post a cutesy selca on instagram the very next day.

they’re always around each other,  in one form or another.  on the phone or texting back and forth when not together for practice or a schedule,  one crashing the other’s live by either coming under the guise of  ‘keeping them company’  when they really only turned up to be  (lovingly)  annoying,  or just to crack a few jokes  (and,  if it’s on instagram,  to play around with the wide array of ridiculous filters)  then disconnect,  or hanging out at either chenle’s apartment or out and about.  the younger’s apartment is the guarenteed place you could expect to find kihyun if he isn’t at the dorms or wandering around in the city—he practically lives there,  staying over most nights and not coming back for a good few days when he does.  he says it’s purely to mooch off of his food and massive television and comfortable sofas,  but the rest know it’s really for the company.

the pair of them are the sole pieces to a two-piece puzzle,  slotting perfectly in place.  they just seem to fit,  and anyone would agree that it’s a little strange to see one without the other somewhere in the vicinity.  they can always be found together,  deep in conversation  (or gossip,  usually)  and trading laughter and matching grins the entire time.  kihyun complains chenle’s like an asteroid,  always floating around him and threatening to crash,  but really he thinks of him and their friendship more like a galaxy,  wide and neverending.

지성 & 기현⠀───⠀HYUNSUNG

when kihyun first met jisung he had the same thoughts mark had had of him when they had first been introduced. he almost immediately wanted to wrap him in a hug and pinch his cheeks, play with his hair and tug at his ears and help him with his homework. in some ways jisung reminded him of seonmin, but without all the dribbling and crying and other behaviours his then-four-year-old half brother had possessed. jisung could do nothing but stand there red-cheeked and take all the affection that was being thrown full-force at him, and he never made any move to discourage it or tell kihyun to tone it down—which, of course, only spurred him on more. the older vocalist would tell the whole world about his favourite dongsaeng if he could, and makes that fact known at a minimum of three times a day.

as well as the constant babying (that jisung was subject to from all of the other dream members), kihyun made a new hobby of annoying him as well. taking full advantage of how easily the younger boy scares by jumping from around corners or sneaking up on him when he was least aware, initiating playfights at any given moment with no prior warning (and providing a whole host of sound effects, making a show of being knocked to the floor whenever the younger so much as waved his fist in his direction), and ruffling his hair far too hard to be affectionate at any given opportunity—even if most of the time it took a jump or for him to stand on his tiptoes in order for him to actually reach the top of his head—became his new favourite activities, and while jisung grumbled and complained and whined every time they happened he (again) never once told him to stop. it’s an open secret that he doesn’t mind at all, one that none mention because they know it’ll only embarrass the maknae further.

but as much as he loves to tease him, kihyun tries his hardest to be someone jisung can turn to when he needs support, too. for every lighthearted jab there’s a glowing compliment for how well he’d done that day (even if all they’d had on schedule was the usual practice), for every punch on the shoulder or attempted shadow box there’s a quick pat on the back in passing or heartfelt hug around the waist when he could grab the opportunity, and for every ruffle of his hair there’s twice as many kind pats or soft untangling of the strands. it’s no secret that jisung is the one kihyun spoils the most, too, always popping into the dorms after an afternoon out with a new trinket or item of clothing that he’d bought with money saved up simply because it reminded him of the maknae.

even if the displays of affection aren’t always reciprocated, anyone with eyes could tell that jisung appreciates everything he gets from kihyun, and tries his best to repay it in his own ways—like with his own stuttered compliments about how kihyun had done in a particular performance, or sending quiet messages after the day is over thanking him for what he’d done and wishing him a good nights sleep, or (on rare occasions) wrapping the older vocalist in a tight hug of his own. jisung for kihyun is like the sun, and the older boy is every single one of the planets surrounding him—everywhere all at once, and always right by his side.

[weishenbwi]

Altschmerz (NCT)

Chapter: 1 “It hurts.” (Ch 2, 3, 4)

Group: NCT 127 / NCT Dream

Characters/Pairing: Jaehyun, Renjun

Words: 5854

Other formats: AO3

Tags/Warnings: Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, Forced, Psychopathology, Mental Illness, Oneshot, Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied Sexual Content, Angst, slight fluff, Sleep Paralysis, Panic Attacks, Blood and Violence, Blood and Torture, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, slight Blood drinking, size difference

Summary: “Injunnie, you smell so good. Like sweat and panic.” Jaehyun's a sadist and Renjun is suffering. Hella dubious consent. Maybe some fluff, not much. It's mostly Renjun in anguish (I'm sorry baby ilysm). Also, Jaehyun loves Injunnie's little cock but he loves being a sadist more. It's more graphic than the WayV version.

Trigger Warning: Please pay attention to the tags. This has some non-consent material in here. If this doesn’t flop, I’ll add more triggering kuntent. Give feedback if you want. It’s unbeta’d.

Renjun woke several times in the night cold, lonely, and covered in sweat.

Something he should have been able to accept and digest long ago. It's the stubbornness of it, he would think, and the way it sneaks up and grabs you. It will remain endlessly horrific no matter how many times the scenario presents itself. And it has presented itself regularly. Every night as a matter of fact. Only this night, he dreamt he was in his house again, resting peacefully on a soft mattress and blanket he's had since his innocent years; when youth was all he knew and nightmares were soothed by wise hands.

Time changed that. It had changed everything.

There were no longer wise hands. No one to turn to for help or comfort. So Renjun slept as he lived. Isolated. Alone.

It was during these hours when he couldn’t stay awake, when his tired eyes couldn’t hold off the exhaustion of his body, that unconsciousness infringed. Like a stranger violating a body, restraining it with their own, this somatic presence filled his nose, his mouth, overflowing into his ears and eyes, suppressing Renjun’s vulnerable little body. Unable to lift his head. Unable to lift his arms. His legs equally held down. A shadow pervading every part of Huang Renjun, seeping through his pores, into his veins, through every strand of hair both above and below. But it’s only darkness and it will pass. It does every night.

“Sleep paralysis.” the doctors call it. An uninvited playmate in the night. The kind of playmate that involves fragments of barely conscious rapid eye movement blended with panicked, disquieting images, and a heart beating too hard, beating too fast, thumping and racing. Not being able to move or speak is frightening.

“It’ll pass in a few moments. Just try and stay calm. You’ll be okay.”

“It’s violating.”

“It’s not real.”

“It’s against my will.”

“It happens.”

His subconscious wants to call out, needs someone to save him from this distress, but the miasma only sinks deeper into Renjun’s chest, spreading throughout his anatomy, cradling him in darkness.

And then everything's gone.

What remains is but a residue of pressure and shadows. The nervousness and stress drifting into hibernation as Renjun’s tired body slips deeper into unconsciousness.

Jaehyun out of bed after hours hears Renjun’s frightful fits. Smiling at the vulnerability of his only "friend" in this god forsaken place, Jaehyun is glad tonight's entertainment is someone he's more familiar with. Something about the intimacy in the younger’s panicked cries has Jaehyun shuffling his feet at a slightly quicker pace to reach his destination and to his luck, the entertainment’s room is unlocked. Most are on this ward. It’s the saner side of insanity so there aren’t as many precautions, rules, securities. He turns the knob and walks in. It’s too easy. This place is a joke but he’s glad because it works in his favor.

[nuest-problems]

[weishenbwi]

Altschmerz (NCT)

Chapter: 3 “Trust in me and fall as well.” (Ch 1, 2, 4)

Group: NCT 127 / NCT Dream

Characters/Pairing: Jaehyun, Renjun

Words: 5854

Other formats: AO3

Tags/Warnings: Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, Forced, Psychopathology, Mental Illness, Oneshot, Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied Sexual Content, Angst, slight fluff, Sleep Paralysis, Panic Attacks, Blood and Violence, Blood and Torture, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, slight Blood drinking, size difference

Summary: Jaehyun's kinda f*cked up. 

Trigger Warning: Please pay attention to the tags. This has some non-consent material in here. If this doesn’t flop, I’ll add more triggering kuntent. Give feedback if you want. It’s unbeta’d. It's more graphic than the WayV version.

Jaehyun is a sociopath

or so he’s been told, and he’s not sure why he’s even allowed on this ward. Doctor Suh, as he jokingly calls him without feeling any playfulness at all, says he’s progressing in treatment and it shouldn’t be long before Jaehyun is rehabilitated for the “real world” as they call it. As if it’s any more real out there than it is in here. If anything the rawness is more visceral here, everyone more painfully themselves. In here, it's like everyone's nerves are on the outside of their body and everyone else can see it. No one smiles if they don't want to. Laughs if they'd rather cry. One patient doesn't expect anything from the other. There’s also a lack of expectation (from each other) that anyone will actually get better. And when someone gets re-admitted, well, that’s just what the “real world” does for you.

Another benefit, Jaehyun considers, is how he can watch this boy suffer in his sleep and no one knows he's doing it. - In here, I can pull this chair up to his bed and have front row seats to Boy-Has-Daddy or Mommy-Issues, he thinks to himself. - In here, I can lean forward and lick the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Salty. - In here, I can place my hand over his mouth and Hold. Hold. Hold. And stop. - In here, I have power to give him life as he inhales deeply unaware that I could have just as easily taken it. - In here, I can crawl into his bed slowly and gently lay next to him...

His thoughts are interrupted by Renjun’s awareness that he isn't alone.

“Hu-“ A swift and firm hand covers the younger’s mouth playing in harmony with the downpour outside. Jaehyun's steady body presses closer into Renjun’s own trembling one. “Shh…Renjun. You’re okay. It's Jaehyun. I’m not going to hurt you.”  It will lower the younger’s defenses.

“H-Hyung? I- What are you-?” Renjun whispers as his laborious breathing begins to quieten.

Jaehyun presses his body against Renjun’s a little more, nuzzling against him as he would if they were close friends. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”  He whispers. "I was out of bed when I heard you were having a panic attack.” Moving back a little, elbow propping up his body so as to look down on the younger who was still reeling, eyes blinking slowly as his consciousness rouses. “So I came to see it.” Very matter-of-factly. The separation between Jaehyun's self and his mask is thin. Blink and you'll miss it. Turn your head too quickly or not pay attention for one second and you'll miss which side it is. It's an easy feat for Jaehyun, owing much to his appeal. Handsome in looks and attractive in mannerisms when he lets the lion portion of his chimera through. It's one of the factors that has helped Jaehyun get out of trouble others less so wouldn't be able to. Jaehyun is attractive, charismatic, and taller than most people in here. He’s picturesque. It catches people off guard because they expect one thing and he gives them another and then another. 

Multi-faceted charisma. Multi-faced. 

One or two flashes of that sweet, dimpled smile have (in many cases) caused people to let things slide when they shouldn't have, when they knew they shouldn't have - but the appeal was overwhelming and so they gave in. Jaehyun is aware of this and uses it to his advantage because "Why not?" It's useful.

“Hyung came to see me suffer?"  Renjun looks up at Jaehyun, a small pout forming on his plump lips. For anyone else, they’d instantly do what they could to comfort the younger. But Jaehyun isn’t like that and Renjun doesn’t know how to process any of it. Before he could think further on why Jaehyun ended up his in room at this time of night, the older continues-

“I crawled in, of course. How else do you think I did it?” shaking his head like it should be obvious. “I opened the door because it wasn't locked. They should really do something about security around here, don't you think?" Jaehyun leans into Renjun, chin resting on the younger’s petite shoulder. Anyone observing would think it’s a soft and gentle moment between two boys. Whether friends or lovers, it’s sweet and reassuring. Except Jaehyun doesn't feel anything. No intimacy. No bonding moment. However, Renjun does and so he leans into Jaehyun, thankful to have someone here he can somewhat rely on or at least share moments with so he doesn’t feel alone. Someone to help the loneliness from seeping into his bones. Jaehyun knows his presence here in this room, despite the circumstances surrounding it, have comforted the younger- so he continues with societal norms and plays his part well.

"They should." Renjun chuckles dryly, leaning his head back onto Jaehyun, tired from this nightly ordeal and his perpetual hell. "But if you don't mind, I should get some sleep. Doctor Suh wants me to go over some childhood trauma tomorrow and I'm going to need some shuteye to not scream out against suppressed memories." Renjun sighs as Jaehyun rubs his arm softly, the way a parent would as they read bedtime stories to a little one, as Renjun’s grandparents used to do for him.

"I don't mind." tilting his head to the side and smiling, Jaehyun looks passively at Renjun, before snuggling into his shoulder once more. He wants to play. It's unusual that Jaehyun wants to play and when it happens, Renjun’s usually excited because they both end up smiling or laughing and it’s a nice reminder that after everything he’s been through, there is some happiness still left in this world.

“No, you don’t. Good thing this isn't your room." Renjun’s brows furrow coupled with a slight smirk. He wouldn't mind a playful Jaehyun if he weren't so tired and if he didn't have a session in the morning. But as it stands, he really needs to get some sleep. To be honest, if it weren't for the rules, he might ask his hyung to stay. He always did sleep better with someone or something next to him.

“No, I don’t mind and this isn’t your room either. It’s the hospitals. Since I'm a patient here it’s just as much my room as it is yours... Injunnie."

That name "Injun". Jaehyun only uses it when his playful mood is at its peak, which is apparently right now, which is also the most inopportune and unfortunate time for Renjun. He usually enjoys these rare concoctions the older brings him at all ungodly hours of the night. Tonight is different. He knows the theme of tomorrow's session and if he could avoid it entirely, he would. But unlike the his hyung, Renjun doesn't want to stay here forever and if he doesn't get enough rest then he'll have an attack. And no one wants to or will release someone into the free world with that kind of emotional response to something as simple as a conversation.

“No, it isn’t. Get off my bed Jaehyun... hyung. Please.” It’s funny, Renjun thinks, that even in the most unusual circumstance he doesn’t fail to remember his manners.

“Oh, well since you said it like that.” Jaehyun moves on top of him, defined limbs stretching over Renjun’s lithe frame, arms resting over the younger’s chest. “I’m mostly off your bed now.” A self-satisfied smirk. And now it’s time to play. “Injunnie, did you know the medicine they have you on for panic attacks actually increases your risk for having one? It's always like that isn't it? Take medication for depression? It increases your risk for depression. Take it for bi-polar disorder or bpd? Well you might have mania.” Laughing outwardly, the older bends forward, lips and nose touching the sweat on the younger’s neck, whose breathing hitched from trying to process everything that's happened in the past few minutes. He could feel Jaehyun’s lips open and his tongue slide up against the nape of his neck before breathing deeply and sucking against the goosebumps now forming along his skin.

“Renjun, baby, you taste so good. Like sweat and panic.”

Renjun’s eyes open wide before trying to shove Jaehyun off of him. However, Renjun is small and his efforts are futile. He tries to kick at him, push him off, twist and turn underneath Jaehyun’s body but nothing works. He’s simply weaker than his hyung. But Renjun, even in his state of panic, is smart and can think on his feet. Or, in this case, on his back. He shoves Jaehyun one more time before opening his mouth to call out for help and barely manages to get the shortest "He-" when the older covers his mouth swiftly, firmly, scent of handsoap and sweat permeating his senses. The weight of Jaehyun’s body presses down onto Renjun as his mouth speaks tenderly onto the flesh of the younger’s cheek. “Shh... shh... I haven’t given you anything to scream about."

“And I won’t"

*kiss*

"If you let me"

*kiss*

"Do what I want.”

His kisses are delicate, mixed with the institution's bargain mint toothpaste and a cold awareness of where they are: Seoul's third best choice for inpatient mental health. Curiously there are only four institutions of this type in the whole city. This one is currently hiring everyone from janitors and cooks to nurses and doctors. It's always understaffed. It's why patients who seem more capable help out where they can. Cheap or free labor; a bit like private prison. And so it's more of a playground than anything else for people like Jaehyun. But Renjun’s still new here or maybe he's never been in an institution before but he's never said anything about the small staff and it's a wonder if he's even noticed at all. It's certainly not information the older would volunteer to the younger. As many times as he's played with new patients, it's always better when they think help will arrive if they call for it. And it's even better when no help ever comes.

Jaehyun smiles at the thought as his chapped lips press down onto Renjun’s as he breathes him in. "Fuck, you smell just like you taste. Like fear and sweat." With that a long lick up the side of Renjun’s face, from chin to temple. Jaehyun’s tongue is dry and rough, probably from the meds, and Renjun can't take it anymore. He twists and pulls, attempting to free himself or scream – whichever comes first. He can feel his heart rate increasing, worrying that Jaehyun wasn't playing a sick joke about an induced panic attack. If he has a panic attack, Jaehyun will leave him here and someone will overhear him screaming and flailing against his sweat-drenched sheets, maybe an orderly or nurse. It will look like a random, unprovoked attack. It'll seem as if he's not ready to go back into society. If that happens, he's going to be in here a lot longer than he hoped and what's more he'll be stuck with Jaehyun to play with him however he wants for even longer. No. No, this can't happen! And so Renjun twists and writhes under Jaehyun, the friction of their bodies causing Renjun to sweat even more as his attempts become weaker, his strength lessening after such a restless night.

Jaehyun keeps his eyes on Renjun, watches him struggling, sweating, panicking. It's a sight to behold. "Injunnie, you're so beautiful when you struggle."

With an array of kisses, Jaehyun whispers against Renjun’s lips: "Come on baby. Keep trying. Get that heart pumping. Push against me.

Try harder and I’ll let you go.”

The elder thrusts against the younger’s hips slowly, Renjun’s arms firmly gripped above his head with both hands. A repeated motion. He'll take his time with Renjun. No one's going to check on them until the sun is almost up... if at all. That's just the way it works in this place. They've never caught him before. Besides, it doesn't matter to Jaehyun anyway. Even if they did catch them what would it matter? They're already in here. And so he thrusts again, this time with more force. Rough. Hands gripping Renjun’s smaller wrists tighter. He hopes it'll leave bruises. He squeezes harder for good measure before bending down and biting gently on Renjun’s bottom lip. He has such beautiful lips. Renjun has beautiful everything but his lips... his lips are a rare type of beauty and they need to bleed for Jaehyun.

It's at this thought, Jaehyun concludes, that the night will not end until he breaks through Renjun's delicate skin, until his red and white cells leak out for Jaehyun to taste again and again. Nor will it end until Jaehyun's spit covers entirely the place Renjun's tears have fallen tonight and all other nights.

[weishenbwi]

Altschmerz, the Jaehyun version,was,,,wow keep going on with the psychological series please

asldfkj oh my gosh, thanks! I’m trying to determine where to pick up and what to include. It’ll likely get really dark but I’ll include all the warnings. 😅 Thanks for this message btw. It encourages me to keep writing! I’ve had a lot of good feedback so I’ll definitely continue it! 

💦💦 The Fic in Question (Jaehyun/Renjun) 💦💦

[weishenbwi]

Altschmerz (NCT)

Chapter: 4 “You’re so pretty when you cry.” (Ch 1, 2, 3)

Group: NCT 127 / NCT Dream

Characters/Pairing: Jaehyun, Renjun

Words: 5854

Other formats: AO3

Tags/Warnings: Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, Forced, Psychopathology, Mental Illness, Oneshot, Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied Sexual Content, Angst, slight fluff, Sleep Paralysis, Panic Attacks, Blood and Violence, Blood and Torture, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, slight Blood drinking, size difference

Summary: The non-con fluff chapter. (Yes, it’s a thing) >.< I do not believe Jaehyun or any of the members would do this. But this is a work of fiction. If you don’t like, don’t read. Also, there’s this: 

Trigger Warning: Please pay attention to the tags. This has some non-consent material in here. If this doesn’t flop, I’ll add more triggering kuntent. Give feedback if you want. It’s unbeta’d.

"Injun can't you feel it? You're starting to get hard." 

Jaehyun buries his face into Renjun’s neck as he rubs up and down against the younger’s growing erection. "You like this, don't you? You don't want to tell me, right? You think I'll look at you differently because you like it when I abuse you. I won't, okay?" Another thrust. "I like you like this. I like when you're vulnerable.” Another thrust between the thin fabric that separates between what could be and what is. Jaehyun looks down to see more tears cascading, wetting the pillow beneath them. The blood is rushing to Renjun’s cheeks and his lips causing a rosy hue and plumping his already naturally pouty lips. It’s desirable. Renjun looks like an angel and in this moment he’s at Jaehyuns disposal.

“You're so pretty when you cry." Jaehyun thinks as Renjun squeezes his eyes shut still trying to push against his hyung, his current feeble efforts in vain. Although the truth is, and Jaehyun knows it, that even if Renjun had his full strength he’s simply not strong enough to combat any force Jaehyun chooses to use. Jaehyun overpowers him easily and something about this predestined failure gives him satisfaction.

Renjun’s tears are a mixture of salt and medication. Jaehyun thinks it's curious how medications always make things taste different, usually gross. Whether it's urine, sweat, cum... there's always a medication taste and smell. Renjun is no exception to the effects of medication or to the effects of biology as he grows harder in Jaehyun’s hand. "It's okay to admit that you like it. Scout's honor I won't tell a soul."

Freeing one hand to flit and flicker across Renjun’s arms up to his forehead, Jaehyun kisses his cheek, then his neck, his ears before composing a sadistic melody with tongue-play against shielded skin, creating goosebumps out of fear and desperation, Jaehyun hums to himself, smiling without feeling anything.

Playing Renjun’s body like a piano, reaching an intermission only to bite and grind against the instrument that is Renjun’s tiny body. Moving to match the octave against the dancing lights in the sky. "Kiss me then I'll release you." Fingers now circling just above the tip of Renjun’s elastic waistline. It's not for pleasure. None of this is stimulating for Jaehyun. He doesn't care about Renjun or anyone else on this planet, cadaverous or not. The younger’s panicked and fearful response acts as a crescendo to Jaehyun in a way that feeds his own disordered existence, elevating him in some way without moving him at all.

Renjun doesn't know this and he's fearful. He knows he should listen, it would be the safer thing to do, but he doesn't - he instinctively forces himself to close down, hoping against everything that maybe Jaehyun will get bored and leave. But it doesn't work. Others have tried this too. It never works.

Between tight lips and frustration, Jaehyun grabs Renjun’s erection squeezing hard to let the younger know a line has been crossed before tilting his head and patting lightly against the thin fabric and Renjun’s precum. “You're terrible and you’re going to play because I want you to. And we're friends. Friends don’t deny each other, Renjun.” Jaehyun smiles with amusement at the game and the fear he’s caused, the look of shock and horror and tired desperation on Renjun’s tear-stained face.

But Renjun doesn’t budge. He can’t stop the tears and he can’t stop his own body betraying him, nor the precum leaking out and the small voice at the back of his head telling him he deserves it nor the desire echoing in the back of his mind that he wants it. Wants Jaehyun. Wants all of it. No, he can’t stop any of that, but he can stop pushing back. He can stop giving Jaehyun what he wants. And so he does. 

He decides to just lay there even if he has to wait until morning for Jaehyun to go back to his room.

“Ah Injunnie, it's so cute how you think this is a game I could lose and you could win. I’ve done this a lot longer than you. And really, who has the literal higher ground?" Another change of expression; this time more stoic like all charade of emotion has passed. Jaehyun inches closer to Renjun’s face and he can feel the hot breath of the older before his hyung pulls back his hair and bites down on his neck, steady hands covering Renjun’s mouth to ensure minimal sounds escape. Fingers twist on his arms, his waist, everywhere. Jaehyun sucks and bites anywhere and everywhere he can. He wonders if it will look like self-harm. "I want to leave my own marks on you so every time you see it, you'll remember this night. Do you think you'll remember Injunnie? Please tell me you'll remember.” Jaehyun stops twisting to hold Renjun’s head in both hands, eyes locked, anticipating an answer. “Shake your head if you'll remember.”

This time Renjun obeys, tears falling onto Jaehyun’s hands as he does what he's told. It's at this moment that he feels the dichotomy in his thinking lengthen. He wants Jaehyun to leave so he can have some false sense of comfort and rest. But at the same time, there's something about Jaehyun being here, his control over Renjun, the weight of Jaehyun’s body on his own, the way his body betrayed him over the urge to feel Jaehyun inside him, that gives some stability to the chaos that frequents his mind.

Whispering against their pressed lips, Jaehyun calls Renjun’s attention back to him. "Poor baby’s spacing out. Look at me, hm?” He can feel Renjun becoming more pliant beneath him but he’s still zoning out so Jaehyun does the first thing that comes to mind. He caresses Renjun’s face before kissing him on the lips and coasting down, eyes never leaving Renjun’s. He’s in a fog, lips slightly parted, and Jaehyun wonders if that’s how he looks after sex, when it’s been so good it’s like he’s floating.

No, this is the look of subspace and if Jaehyun could get hard at the thought, he would. For now, Jaehyun’s hands trail against the younger’s skin, his lips leaving kisses along the way until he reaches past Renjun’s small waist, the younger subconsciously bucking up at his hyung's hot breath and warm hands cradling his docile body. “That’s it. You’re being such a good boy.” He wonders if he feels anything now or if he’s repeating words he’s read or heard somewhere. He doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to be close to Renjun. Hates that he’s pictured the younger beneath him, eyes locked as Renjun takes him as deep as he’ll go, whimpers turning into moans. His soft eyes and pouty lips. His pretty smile. He hates it. Hates that his face feels hot next to Renjun’s erection. Hates the thought of wanting to take it in his mouth and watch as the younger arches his back up in pleasure, both of them feeling good for once in a long time. Fuck this. He takes one more look up towards Renjun spacey, fucked out looking face, before biting down hard against Renjun’s hip bones, watching as the younger’s face contorts in pain.

"Injunnie, I think I made you bleed.” Jaehyun feigns concern, pleased with the younger’s tears. This is better. It’s more his style. ”No, don't cry. It's not permanent... not physically. It's only a little reminder of our friendship. Don't you want to remember our friendship?"

Renjun feels his chest tighten as Jaehyun wraps his arms around him and squeezes; his hyung once more nuzzling into his neck. He doesn't want to like it. Jaehyun has hurt him so much tonight. But it's comforting. When was the last time someone held him?

"Did you hear me?" Jaehyun takes something out of his pants. Something shiny. And sharp. "I swiped it while doing janitorial work. If you’re good, they let you have privileges. Well, they do it to hire less people. The cheap bastards.. Anyway I’m not hard but we could still have some fun.”

Have some fun.

“I-I don’t.”

“I won’t get any pleasure out of it except to see the terror and panicked look in your eyes. Yes, that’s it. The one you have now. The one you had earlier." More hugs. More nuzzling. He must be covered in spit as many times as the Jaehyun has licked, bit, and sucked the various parts of his exposed flesh. "How would you feel to have this knife rip you in pieces from bottom to top? Would you like that? Huh Injun?" A soft hand placed firmly on the younger’s chin. "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

Renjun pauses for too long. He feels his heart rate increase, a darkness ascending, deafness save for a ringing unplaced. “Earth to Reenjuun.” A saccharine song and a cruel slap to his delicate face, Jaehyun takes the knife and starts cutting through Renjun’s pants, who only now realized it’s storming out, the rain and wind beating against the thin window.

“You know I heard a story that if you count from 1 to 10 with the word Mississippi, it means that a storm is coming closer. Or something like that. It’s an American thing.” He chuckles as the knife continues to cut through Renjun’s pants. “I like it. Let's play a game, okay? I count from 1-10 and if you don't give me what I want, I'll take it. Now don't scream. We wouldn't want you covered in your own blood, would we?" Jaehyun makes a small cut across Renjun’s thigh, droplets of blood weeping like the pattering weather against the window.

"Nooo.. Injunnie.. I'm so sad. Why are you hurting yourself? Pleeaase don't hurt yourself." Another small cut, more droplets of blood as Jaehyun looks at him with fabricated eyes that look sad but whose reality is only the opposite, pleading with Renjun to stop doing something he’s not. He bends down, kissing around the cut, lapping up the blood. Softly. Gently. Metallic and bittersweet. “Tonight I will taste you in every way, Renjun.”

The younger’s tears now fall steadily mixing with a rising hysteria and perspiration soaking Renjun’s cheap hospital garments. He’s finding it more difficult to calm his breathing as the seconds pass. "No... please... Hyung. Don't do this." Begging against all hope.

It doesn’t work.

"Don't do what? This?" A firm hand wraps around Renjun’s erection. “You’re small everywhere Injunnie. Soo cute. My hand wraps all the way around so easily.” He pumps up and down, using Renjun’s precum to lubricate and make it feel better for his dongsaeng who has gone through so much recently. Renjun tries not to move his body along with Jaehyun’s motion but it feels too good. He doesn’t look at him, can’t look at him. He doesn’t want this mentally but his body forsakes him and wants only this.

“Your little cock is perfect. I can take you all the way in the back of my throat. See? Look at me pleasure you, Injun.” When Renjun doesn’t look, Jaehyun sinks his teeth into the younger’s erection before grabbing his balls as a punishment. “When I tell you to do something, do it. I’m not going to ask twice again. Do you understand?”

Renjun nods and looks down, seeing Jaehyun’s hand wrapping around his erection. “You have such a cute, little cock baby. Your head’s so red and you’re leaking precum everywhere. Now matter how many times I lick it up, it wants more.” Renjun peers down again to see this is true. And the truth is, he wants it. Wants Jaehyun-hyung to suck him and make him feel good. Wants the pain mixed with pleasure that comes from the cuts given to him by Jaehyun and the ecstasy he’d feel with Jaehyun’s lips around his cock, his tongue working the underside as Renjun’s breath hitches and his eyes roll back, mouth parted waiting to take in Jaehyun when it’s his turn.

Jaehyun smirks. He loves this game. “You’re thinking about it now, right baby? You want me to put my mouth on your little red cock and suck like a pacifier until you’re all dry. Do you want it now Renjunnie?” A question Renjun’s not sure he can answer followed by a playful, apathetic, laugh from the older.

Renjun feels his body betray him again. This is sick. He’s sick. He shouldn’t be getting off on this. It’s toxic and dangerous. How much further could it escalate if this is the first night?

“Hmm... baby didn’t answer but hyung is forgiving.” Jaehyun crawls on top of Renjun, taking off the younger’s shirt while Jaehyun is still completely clothed. He feels the older’s hands wrap around his neck, squeezing. “Very forgiving.” Renjun swats at his hands, tries to free himself but Jaehyun is sitting on his chest and he’s finding it difficult to breathe. “Y-you’re h-hurting me.” he manages to say through stifled breaths.

Jaehyun ignores it completely, hands still wrapped around Renjun’s delicate neck until there’s a spark of thought as he manages to get loose of his hospital garments; both boys now naked in Renjun’s bed. The size difference more visible. Other things more visible as well. Renjun notices scars cover Jaehyun’s body and wonders if Jaehyun did this to himself or if someone else did it to him. If he could comfort his hyung right now, he would. Despite it all, he would. But his body is worn out and he’s too afraid to move without permission. He’s not even sure how much more he can take. Better to not bring it up or ask under different circumstances when Jaehyun isn’t sitting naked atop his bare chest.

“Let’s go back to the game before the storm finishes. What do you say Injunnie? 1 Mississippi. 2 Mississippi. You have until the count of 10. 3 Mississippi. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing?”

“I.. I don’t want... please... don't. Stop."

“Don't stop? Okay then. 4, 5, 6 Mississippi.” He counts slowly as he climbs back down until he’s positioned at Renjun’s entrance. Jaehyun thrusts aggressively to the sound of his counting, his own erection barely growing due to the side effects of one of the many medications he's on. It’s frustrating but he still has his tongue and he still has his fingers.

Lightning strikes outside illuminating their contrasting frames against the wall of Renjun’s cramped room, shadows separate absent of the misfortunes experienced since Jaehyun crept in, uninvited. The sweat, tears, spit, blood, cum, scars. The trauma Renjun won't be telling Dr. Suh about in a few hours.

"Sometimes you need to be used. Do you understand, Renjun?” Renjun doesn’t wait this time. He nods ardently.

“Good boy. 7, 8.” He’s given up saying the word Mississippi now as he makes Renjun suck on his middle finger before inserting it slowly, taking his time, into the smaller boy stroking him gently. Renjun’s back arches and a small moan escapes his lips as Jaehyun moves his finger in and out, hitting spots Renjun wasn’t aware he had. He’s angelic. Everything from his pouty lips to his bright eyes to his small stature; everything about him is ethereal and Jaehyun catches himself for the first time feeling something.

Renjun notices the light of the moon illuminates all Jaehyun’s best features and Renjun thinks he’s lucky because on the outside Jaehyun might not have looked at him at all. And maybe he’s ignorant or maybe it’s because he can’t think right now or maybe it’s because he’s never had this kind of intimacy but the chaos leading up to this moment feels honest.

“It feels so good hyung.”

Jaehyun keeps thrusting and Renjun wishes upon all the world that he didn’t yearn for this, that Jaehyun would stop or that he'd wake up and this will have been nothing but a dream. But god it feels so good. Why isn’t this a dream? And not just this night. The entirely of the situation. The reason why he’s here. Why can’t all of it be a dream? He's used to those. But this is real, too real.

“Do you want me to use you, Renjunnie?" 

He nods because he does want it. He wants to be used and he wants to bleed for Jaehyun and scar for Jaehyun. He can’t explain it and if anyone ever found out, he’d say “It was the medications.” But the truth is, he’s wanted this since the first time he ever felt anything sexual. When he started going through puberty, he knew it was fucked up and knew he couldn’t say anything to anyone - that is until this night with Jaehyun. In whatever way Jaehyun decides, he’ll accept it.

“I want you to use me, hyung.”

He can hear the desperation in Renjun’s voice. This tiny body laying beneath him, pliant, ready, eager. It stirs something primal within him. “Do you want me to abuse you, Renjunnie?”

“Yes hyungie. I want everything from you.”

He feels Renjun quiver underneath him, swallowing in a dry throat, lips un-chapped unlike his own. His lithe, little body, bruised and scarred from just one night. He’s covered in dry spit and memories. Jaehyun’s work of art.

“Then say you’re mine.”

Renjun opens his eyes, pulling Jaehyun closer before biting on his lip, an open invitation to kiss, arms wrapping around his hyung’s neck before running his hands gently over Jaehyun’s scarred body.

“I’m yours.”

NOTES: Let me know if you want me to continue this story. I like this dynamic and I want them to have lots of nasty, sometimes abusive, sometimes toxic, sometimes soft and loving sex. But ONLY if this doesn’t flop. I’ll run a poll on twitter to see if we should have a fluff or angst ending if we get that far. >.<

[weishenbwi]

Title: Altschmerz

Chapter: 2 “Push Against me. Try harder.” (Ch 1, 3, 4)  Group: NCT 127 / NCT Dream Characters/Pairing: Jaehyun, Renjun Words: 5854 Other formats: AO3

Tags/Warnings: Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, Forced, Psychopathology, Mental Illness, Oneshot, Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied Sexual Content, Angst, slight fluff, Sleep Paralysis, Panic Attacks, Blood and Violence, Blood and Torture, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, slight Blood drinking, size difference

Summary: Renjun is Jaehyun’s reluctant toy.

Trigger Warning: Please pay attention to the tags. This has some non-consent material in here. If this doesn’t flop, I’ll add more triggering kuntent. Give feedback if you want. It’s unbeta’d.

With amusement and without permission, one patient watches the other.

One, a fearful, trembling boy sweating beneath cheap hospital sheets. His small form wrestling against the afflictions that torment him. The other, a curious sadist, head slightly tilted, eyes fixed on the smaller boy with a superficial smirk across his face. Renjun’s quiet but anguished sobbing is like music to Jaehyun’s ears. If there was a heaven, this would be it. He’s always liked Renjun’s voice. He can’t explain it but there’s a unique quality to it that most people don’t have. It’s one of the things that made him notice Renjun in the first place.

Well that and new patients are easy targets.

He can tell the younger’s trying to call out, but the words are caught in his throat, and he's only able to groan in agony.

A sonata. Magnificent.

A smile forms on the elder’s face as he watches Renjun writhe among the obscurity, weakly whimpering from whatever plagues him this night. It’s an interesting show for Jaehyun who decides to get up and stand closer, watching under the luminescence of the moon. The lightning unveils the younger’s face so intensely, betraying everything the shadows covered. Tears finally collapsing from whatever box the adolescent used to trap them during waking hours. Falling from memories as rain falls from the sky. Renjun’s agony paints his face and Jaehyun thinks it’s a beautiful sight. There are so few things as honest as this one’s painfully exposed tears. “It hurts.” Jaehyun imagines Renjun would say if he were awake. He imagines the younger has said this many times, both to himself and to whoever will listen.

He would feel pity for him if he felt anything at all. Kindness is a lie and most people, deep down, want authenticity; the truth that comes with people like Jaehyun.

His truth, Renjun’s truth, is a singular vulgar poem. No one could bring themselves to recite it or bear it personally, but the unbroken want to hear it, read about it, see it on the news. They need it because it give them hope.“It could always be worse."

[weishenbwi]

Fics read in Aug & Sep 2019

If you decide to read any of these, please pay attention the tags/warnings before starting the work. Please be mindful and read at your own discretion.

🌻 A U G U S T 🌻

Never Asked for This by what-if (28631 words)

The KaiSoo Tentacle fic you didn’t ask for. 

🍂 S E P T E M B E R 🍂

I'll Tell You My Sins & You Can Sharpen Your Knife by orphan_account (3955 words)

The first time Jung Hoseok lays eyes on Father Min Yoongi, he knows this little “vacation” his stepdad has sequestered him to after being kicked out of boarding school is going to be more fun that he’d thought. 

Aug & Sep WORDS READ: 32,586

My Work for September

Altschmerz (NCT) (5927 words): “Injunnie, you smell so good. Like sweat and panic.” Jaehyun's a sadist and Renjun is suffering. Hella dubious consent. Maybe some fluff, not much. It's mostly Renjun in anguish (I'm sorry baby ilysm). Also, Jaehyun loves Injunnie's little cock but he loves being a sadist more. It's more graphic than the WayV version.Trigger: This has some non-consent material in here. If this doesn’t flop, I’ll add more triggering kuntent. 

[weishenbwi]

Title: Altschmerz

Chapter: 3 “Trust In Me And Fall As Well” (Ch 1, 2, 4)

Group: NCT 127 / NCT Dream

Characters/Pairing: Jaehyun, Renjun

Words: 5854

Other formats: AO3

Tags/Warnings:

Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, Forced, Psychopathology, Mental Illness, Oneshot, Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied Sexual Content, Angst, slight fluff, Sleep Paralysis, Panic Attacks, Blood and Violence, Blood and Torture, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, slight Blood drinking, size difference

Summary: Jaehyun’s kinda f*cked up.

Trigger Warning: Please pay attention to the tags. It’s unbeta’d.

Jaehyun is a sociopath, or so he’s been told. 

He’s not sure why he’s even allowed on this ward. Doctor Suh, as he jokingly calls him without feeling any playfulness at all, says he’s progressing in treatment and it shouldn’t be long before Jaehyun is rehabilitated for the “real world” as they call it. As if it’s any more real out there than it is in here. If anything the rawness is more visceral here, everyone more painfully themselves. In here, it's like everyone's nerves are on the outside of their body and everyone else can see it. No one smiles if they don't want to. Laughs if they'd rather cry. One patient doesn't expect anything from the other. There’s also a lack of expectation (from each other) that anyone will actually get better. And when someone gets re-admitted, well, that’s just what the “real world” does for you.

Another benefit, Jaehyun considers, is how he can watch this boy suffer in his sleep and no one knows he's doing it. - In here, I can pull this chair up to his bed and have front row seats to Boy-Has-Daddy or Mommy-Issues, he thinks to himself. - In here, I can lean forward and lick the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Salty. - In here, I can place my hand over his mouth and Hold. Hold. Hold. And stop. - In here, I have power to give him life as he inhales deeply unaware that I could have just as easily taken it. - In here, I can crawl into his bed slowly and gently lay next to him...

His thoughts are interrupted by Renjun’s awareness that he isn't alone.

“Hu-“ A swift and firm hand cover the younger’s mouth playing in harmony with the downpour outside. Jaehyun's steady body presses closer into Renjun’s own trembling one. “Shh…Renjun. You’re okay. It's Jaehyun. I’m not going to hurt you.”  It will lower the younger’s defenses.

“H-Hyung? I- What are you-?” Renjun whispers as his laborious breathing begins to quieten.

Jaehyun presses his body against Renjun’s a little more, nuzzling against him as he would if they were close friends. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”  He whispers. "I was out of bed when I heard you were having a panic attack.” Moving back a little, elbow propping up his body so as to look down on the younger who was still reeling, eyes blinking slowly as his consciousness rouses. “So I came to see it.” Very matter-of-factly. The separation between Jaehyun's self and his mask is thin. Blink and you'll miss it. Turn your head too quickly or not pay attention for one second and you'll miss which side it was. It's an easy feat for Jaehyun, owing much to his appeal. Handsome in looks and attractive in mannerisms when he lets the lion portion of his chimera through. It's one of the factors that has helped Jaehyun get out of trouble others less so wouldn't be able to. Jaehyun is attractive, charismatic, and taller than most people in here. He’s picturesque. It catches people off guard because they expect one thing and he gives them another and then another. Multi-faceted charisma. Multi-faced. One or two flashes of that sweet, dimpled smile have (in many cases) caused people to let things slide when they shouldn't have, when they knew they shouldn't have - but the appeal was overwhelming and so they gave in. Jaehyun is aware of this and uses it to his advantage because "Why not?" It's useful.

“Hyung came to see me suffer?"  Renjun looks up at Jaehyun, a small pout forming on his plump lips. For anyone else, they’d instantly do what they could to comfort the younger. But Jaehyun isn’t like that and Renjun doesn’t know how to process any of it. Before he could think further on why Jaehyun ended up his in room at this time of night, the older continues-

“I crawled in, of course. How else do you think I did it?” shaking his head like it should be obvious. “I opened the door because it wasn't locked. They should really do something about security around here, don't you think?" Jaehyun leans into Renjun, chin resting on the younger’s petite shoulder. Anyone observing would think it’s a soft and gentle moment between two boys. Whether friends or lovers, it’s sweet and reassuring. Except Jaehyun doesn't feel anything. No intimacy. No bonding moment. However, Renjun does and so he leans into Jaehyun, thankful to have someone here he can somewhat rely on or at least share moments with so he doesn’t feel alone. Someone to help the loneliness from seeping into his bones. Jaehyun knows his presence here in this room, despite the circumstances surrounding it, have comforted the younger- so he continues with societal norms and plays his part well.

"They should." Renjun chuckles dryly, leaning his head back onto Jaehyun, tired from this nightly ordeal and his perpetual hell. "But if you don't mind, I should get some sleep. Doctor Suh wants me to go over some childhood trauma tomorrow and I'm going to need some shuteye to not scream out against suppressed memories." Renjun sighs as Jaehyun rubs his arm softly, the way a parent would as they read bedtime stories to a little one, as Renjun’s grandparents used to do for him.

"I don't mind." tilting his head to the side and smiling, Jaehyun looks passively at Renjun, before snuggling into his shoulder once more. He wants to play. It's unusual that Jaehyun wants to play and when it happens, Renjun’s usually excited because they both end up smiling or laughing and it’s a nice reminder that after everything he’s been through, there is some happiness still left in this world.

“No, you don’t. Good thing this isn't your room." Renjun’s brows furrow coupled with a slight smirk. He wouldn't mind a playful Jaehyun if he weren't so tired and if he didn't have a session in the morning. But as it stands, he really needs to get some sleep. To be honest, if it weren't for the rules, he might ask his hyung to stay. He always did sleep better with someone or something next to him.

“No, I don’t mind and this isn’t your room either. It’s the hospitals. Since I'm a patient here it’s just as much my room as it is yours... Injunnie."

That name "Injun". Jaehyun only uses it when his playful mood is at its peak, which is apparently right now, which is also the most inopportune and unfortunate time for Renjun. He usually enjoys these rare concoctions the older brings him at all ungodly hours of the night. Tonight is different. He knows the theme of tomorrow's session and if he could avoid it entirely, he would. But unlike the his hyung, Renjun doesn't want to stay here forever and if he doesn't get enough rest then he'll have an attack. And no one wants to or will release someone into the free world with that kind of emotional response to something as simple as a conversation.

“No, it isn’t. Get off my bed Jaehyun... hyung. Please.” It’s funny, Renjun thinks, that even in the most unusual circumstance he doesn’t fail to remember his manners.

“Oh, well since you said it like that.” Jaehyun moves on top of him, defined limbs stretching over Renjun’s lithe frame, arms resting over the younger’s chest. “I’m mostly off your bed now.” A self-satisfied smirk. And now it’s time to play. “Injunnie, did you know the medicine they have you on for panic attacks actually increases your risk for having one? It's always like that isn't it? Take medication for depression? It increases your risk for depression. Take it for bi-polar disorder or bpd? Well you might have mania.” Laughing outwardly, the older bends forward, lips and nose touching the sweat on the younger’s neck, whose breathing hitched from trying to process everything that's happened in the past few minutes. He could feel Jaehyun’s lips open and his tongue slide up against the nape of his neck before breathing deeply and sucking against the goosebumps now forming along his skin.

“Renjun, baby, you taste so good. Like sweat and panic.”

Renjun’s eyes open wide before trying to shove Jaehyun off of him. However, Renjun is small and his efforts are futile. He tries to kick at him, push him off, twist and turn underneath Jaehyun’s body but nothing works. He’s simply weaker than his hyung. But Renjun, even in his state of panic, is smart and can think on his feet. Or, in this case, on his back. He shoves Jaehyun one more time before opening his mouth to call out for help and barely manages to get the shortest "He-" when the older covers his mouth swiftly, firmly, scent of handsoap and sweat permeating his senses. The weight of Jaehyun’s body presses down onto Renjun as his mouth speaks tenderly onto the flesh of the younger’s cheek. “Shh... shh... I haven’t given you anything to scream about."

“And I won’t"

*kiss*

"If you let me"

*kiss*

"Do what I want.”

His kisses are delicate, mixed with the institution's bargain mint toothpaste and a cold awareness of where they are: Seoul's third best choice for inpatient mental health. Curiously there are only four institutions of this type in the whole city. This one is currently hiring everyone from janitors and cooks to nurses and doctors. It's always understaffed. It's why patients who seem more capable help out where they can. Cheap or free labor; a bit like private prison. And so it's more of a playground than anything else for people like Jaehyun. But Renjun’s still new here or maybe he's never been in an institution before but he's never said anything about the small staff and it's a wonder if he's even noticed at all. It's certainly not information the older would volunteer to the younger. As many times as he's played with new patients, it's always better when they think help will arrive if they call for it. And it's even better when no help ever comes.

Jaehyun smiles at the thought as his chapped lips press down onto Renjun’s as he breathes him in. "Fuck, you smell just like you taste. Like fear and sweat." With that a long lick up the side of Renjun’s face, from chin to temple. Jaehyun’s tongue is dry and rough, probably from the meds, and Renjun can't take it anymore. He twists and pulls, attempting to free himself or scream – whichever comes first. He can feel his heart rate increasing, worrying that Jaehyun wasn't playing a sick joke about an induced panic attack. If he has a panic attack, Jaehyun will leave him here and someone will overhear him screaming and flailing against his sweat-drenched sheets, maybe an orderly or nurse. It will look like a random, unprovoked attack. It'll seem as if he's not ready to go back into society. If that happens, he's going to be in here a lot longer than he hoped and what's more he'll be stuck with Jaehyun to play with him however he wants for even longer. No. No, this can't happen! And so Renjun twists and writhes under Jaehyun, the friction of their bodies causing Renjun to sweat even more as his attempts become weaker, his strength lessening after such a restless night.

Jaehyun keeps his eyes on Renjun, watches him struggling, sweating, panicking. It's a sight to behold. "Injunnie, you're so beautiful when you struggle."

With an array of kisses, Jaehyun whispers against Renjun’s lips: "Come on baby. Keep trying. Get that heart pumping. Push against me. Try harder and I’ll let you go.”

The elder thrusts against the younger’s hips slowly, Renjun’s arms firmly gripped above his head with both hands. A repeated motion. He'll take his time with Renjun. No one's going to check on them until the sun is almost up... if at all. That's just the way it works in this place. They've never caught him before. Besides, it doesn't matter to Jaehyun anyway. Even if they did catch them what would it matter? They're already in here. And so he thrusts again, this time with more force. Rough. Hands gripping Renjun’s smaller wrists tighter. He hopes it'll leave bruises. He squeezes harder for good measure before bending down and biting gently on Renjun’s bottom lip. He has such beautiful lips. They almost beg to be mistreated.