#remusangst

[bonesthebeloved]

When showers no longer help

(This one is a little gift for @lance-alt because they liked the idea and because they had a rough one with all the drama today. Hope you enjoy bud. Take care!)

SUMMARY: Remus and Patton are in a relationship. Not a happy one but that’s okay. Those only exist in fairytales right? (Remus centric)

WORD COUNT: 1300

TRIGGER/SQUICK WARNING: Unsympathetic Patton, Mental abuse, unhappy relationship, mention of crying, mention of food, very brief blood/ could be seen as self-harm mention, arguing, yelling (In caps)

-

Patton doesn't mean to. He really doesn't.

"Hey, sugar daddy. How'd you sleep?"

"What did I tell you about using crude nicknames Re?" Patton said, carefully moving out of the hold Remus had on his waist and walking towards the kitchen to make himself breakfast.

Remus let out a whine. Though stopped himself quickly when Patton glanced over his shoulder. Irritation clear on his face.

-

He didn't mean to yell when Remus accidentally dropped a glass. The shards cutting into his foot and ankle hurt less than Patton's harsh words.

And his boyfriend was right. He shouldn't have been so clumsy. Shouldn't have let the glass slip from his fingers. Shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have.

Remus didn't sleep that night. Quietly looking at Patton's sleeping face and wondering why he was being so forgiving to him.

The images of what Patton could do to him swarmed his head like a swarm of wasps. The intrusive thoughts that came through unfiltered and seemingly without taking a break making him curl in on himself. Yeah, Patton was too good for him.

-

He didn't mean to make Remus feel worse than the dirt under his shoe when Remus had come to him to apologise.

He'd baked a cake. Making sure to use one of Logan's recipes as to not accidentally put something in that would displease Patton. He'd made extra sure that his hands were clean. Putting on a simple t-shirt instead of his usual outfit so no loose strings or beats could fall in. Making sure that the cake was baby blue with little hearts instead of the usual brown or green he'd go for.

Patton had looked at it in distaste. As if Remus had presented him a dead rat. "I'm not eating this. You probably put rat poison in there or something. Throw it away."

He'd watched the cake fall into the trashcan. Seeing the top break, the cream filling spilling out onto the leftover taco’s that they’d had yesterday.

Patton had only scoffed and brushed the hand that hovered towards him, seeking comfort, away.

-

He didn’t mean to make him feel bad for simply existing and fulfilling his duties as a side. 

Didn’t mean to make him feel so bad that he had started hanging around Deceit again when Patton wasn’t looking.

The fatherly trait had told him to not have contact with his best friend anymore. Telling him that lying was wrong and that Deceit would be a bad influence. That he should let him go if he wanted to have any chance of being good. 

Remus, lovesick as he’d been and wanting to please Patton as much as possible in the hopes of not losing his lifeboat in the middle of the storm, had told Deceit the news and tried not to cry too hard when Dee only nodded. Giving him a tight hug and whispering ‘be careful Re,’ into his ear before letting go.

He tried not to cry too loudly that night as to not disrupt Patton’s slumber. Trying very hard to not think about how Deceit had been shaking when he’d hugged him. 

How he’d seen tears running down his face when he’d pulled away.

And Remus tried to be better. Tried to suppress the constant flow of thoughts because they were wrong. 

Tried to not say them out loud even if it caused him to shake and break down in the shower in the evening. Whispering all of the bunched up ideas under the sound of the water while he tried to convince himself that they were bad. Not good. Evil. Badbadbadbadbadbadbad.

Deceit had come to him after he’d seen Remus scratching at his arm so harshly that it had drawn blood. Had bandaged him up without a word and was already on his way towards the door, probably on his way to make Remus leave, when the creative trait felt himself crack just a little.

“I miss you, Dee.” 

The words seeped through the cracks and now Remus went to Deceit every time the world got too much. Every time his brain was too full and he needed out. outoutoutout.

And every time he went back to his room and Patton was there he knew that the other knew. And the disapproving stare undid all of the relaxing and unwinding he’d just done and they were back where he’d started. 

But he loved him. And love was just like this. And all the fairytales that Roman read were unbelievable. Because while he could summon dragons and save princes and turn frogs into people, love like that didn’t exist. Happy love where everyone is smiling and the morning kisses aren’t reluctant and he’d be able to bake something and his partner would be happy didn’t exist.

It couldn’t. Otherwise, their relationship was bad. And it couldn’t be bad because Patton couldn’t be bad. And Remus might be bad and evil and wrong and all things horrible but Patton wasn’t bad so neither was their relationship.

-

When Logan asked him if everything was still alright between him and Patton he hadn’t answered.

And when Virgil accused him of being toxic and obviously being mentally abusive towards Patton because the fatherly trait never smiled at him he hadn’t answered.

And when Deceit asked him why he let this all happen he hadn’t answered.

And when he sat together with Roman in the prince’s room and slowly went down a list of characteristics for a toxic relationship he hadn’t said anything. He’d simply cried into his brother’s shoulder when they had gotten to the bottom to the list. Having ticked every box.

And he simply let Roman hug him close as the prince told him that fairytale relationships weren’t the part that made them fairytales. Ignoring the glow around them and ignoring how they morphed into one lone man. Arms wrapped around himself as he sobbed.

And he simply let Deceit comfort him when the snake walked into the room and saw Romulus on the bed. Eyes red and puffy and snot running down his face and into his moustache. Deceit rubbed his back and cooed meaningless words until they’d calm down and the man turned into two again. One worried out of his mind, the other broken. So very broken. Because Patton couldn’t be wrong but he was and he was wrong and bad and evil and and and-

“Patton I’m sorry but I’m breaking up with you.”

“What?”

“I said I’m breaking up with y-”

“Why? I treated you so well. I tried to improve you, Remus. To make you better! I did everything for you and now you’re going to leave me? After all I did?”

“This relationship just isn’t healthy for m-” “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. I DO! I’M MORALITY!”

“I know,” Remus said quietly. Though the fire he felt within, the knowledge that he was so close to being better, so close to not crying in the shower every night, kept him going forward.

“It’s just not working out. It’s not your fault Patton I just don’t feel the same anymore.” 

That was a lie. He loved the other. He really did. But Roman had told him how relationships should be. And Patton had ticked every item on the list for toxic relationships. And Deceit had helped him calm down enough to get the whole story. And he hadn’t broken down in the shower that night. And he was strong. 

“You’ll never be good without my help.”

“Then I guess I won’t be.” Remus turned around. Walking towards the door. Towards where Deceit and Roman were waiting on the other side. Towards recovery.

“I just wanted to fix you.”

“Goodbye Patton.”

He opened the door. Walking through it and leaving Patton in his own room.

Both Deceit and Roman hugged him when he walked out. And Remus found that, while his love for his family was very different from the burning passion he felt for Patton, he’d much rather have this than late night showers.

[lowkey-loki245]

This is amazing. I've been finding so many good fanfic since I've joined the Sanders Sides fandom and this is definitely one of them.

When showers no longer help

(This one is a little gift for @lance-alt because they liked the idea and because they had a rough one with all the drama today. Hope you enjoy bud. Take care!)

SUMMARY: Remus and Patton are in a relationship. Not a happy one but that’s okay. Those only exist in fairytales right? (Remus centric)

WORD COUNT: 1300

TRIGGER/SQUICK WARNING: Unsympathetic Patton, Mental abuse, unhappy relationship, mention of crying, mention of food, very brief blood/ could be seen as self-harm mention, arguing, yelling (In caps)

-

Patton doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t.

“Hey, sugar daddy. How’d you sleep?”

“What did I tell you about using crude nicknames Re?” Patton said, carefully moving out of the hold Remus had on his waist and walking towards the kitchen to make himself breakfast.

Remus let out a whine. Though stopped himself quickly when Patton glanced over his shoulder. Irritation clear on his face.

-

He didn’t mean to yell when Remus accidentally dropped a glass. The shards cutting into his foot and ankle hurt less than Patton’s harsh words.

And his boyfriend was right. He shouldn’t have been so clumsy. Shouldn’t have let the glass slip from his fingers. Shouldn’t have shouldn’t have shouldn’t have.

Remus didn’t sleep that night. Quietly looking at Patton’s sleeping face and wondering why he was being so forgiving to him.

The images of what Patton could do to him swarmed his head like a swarm of wasps. The intrusive thoughts that came through unfiltered and seemingly without taking a break making him curl in on himself. Yeah, Patton was too good for him.

-

He didn’t mean to make Remus feel worse than the dirt under his shoe when Remus had come to him to apologise.

He’d baked a cake. Making sure to use one of Logan’s recipes as to not accidentally put something in that would displease Patton. He’d made extra sure that his hands were clean. Putting on a simple t-shirt instead of his usual outfit so no loose strings or beats could fall in. Making sure that the cake was baby blue with little hearts instead of the usual brown or green he’d go for.

Patton had looked at it in distaste. As if Remus had presented him a dead rat. “I’m not eating this. You probably put rat poison in there or something. Throw it away.”

He’d watched the cake fall into the trashcan. Seeing the top break, the cream filling spilling out onto the leftover taco’s that they’d had yesterday.

Patton had only scoffed and brushed the hand that hovered towards him, seeking comfort, away.

-

He didn’t mean to make him feel bad for simply existing and fulfilling his duties as a side. 

Didn’t mean to make him feel so bad that he had started hanging around Deceit again when Patton wasn’t looking.

The fatherly trait had told him to not have contact with his best friend anymore. Telling him that lying was wrong and that Deceit would be a bad influence. That he should let him go if he wanted to have any chance of being good. 

Remus, lovesick as he’d been and wanting to please Patton as much as possible in the hopes of not losing his lifeboat in the middle of the storm, had told Deceit the news and tried not to cry too hard when Dee only nodded. Giving him a tight hug and whispering ‘be careful Re,’ into his ear before letting go.

He tried not to cry too loudly that night as to not disrupt Patton’s slumber. Trying very hard to not think about how Deceit had been shaking when he’d hugged him. 

How he’d seen tears running down his face when he’d pulled away.

And Remus tried to be better. Tried to suppress the constant flow of thoughts because they were wrong. 

Tried to not say them out loud even if it caused him to shake and break down in the shower in the evening. Whispering all of the bunched up ideas under the sound of the water while he tried to convince himself that they were bad. Not good. Evil. Badbadbadbadbadbadbad.

Deceit had come to him after he’d seen Remus scratching at his arm so harshly that it had drawn blood. Had bandaged him up without a word and was already on his way towards the door, probably on his way to make Remus leave, when the creative trait felt himself crack just a little.

“I miss you, Dee.” 

The words seeped through the cracks and now Remus went to Deceit every time the world got too much. Every time his brain was too full and he needed out. outoutoutout.

And every time he went back to his room and Patton was there he knew that the other knew. And the disapproving stare undid all of the relaxing and unwinding he’d just done and they were back where he’d started. 

But he loved him. And love was just like this. And all the fairytales that Roman read were unbelievable. Because while he could summon dragons and save princes and turn frogs into people, love like that didn’t exist. Happy love where everyone is smiling and the morning kisses aren’t reluctant and he’d be able to bake something and his partner would be happy didn’t exist.

It couldn’t. Otherwise, their relationship was bad. And it couldn’t be bad because Patton couldn’t be bad. And Remus might be bad and evil and wrong and all things horrible but Patton wasn’t bad so neither was their relationship.

-

When Logan asked him if everything was still alright between him and Patton he hadn’t answered.

And when Virgil accused him of being toxic and obviously being mentally abusive towards Patton because the fatherly trait never smiled at him he hadn’t answered.

And when Deceit asked him why he let this all happen he hadn’t answered.

And when he sat together with Roman in the prince’s room and slowly went down a list of characteristics for a toxic relationship he hadn’t said anything. He’d simply cried into his brother’s shoulder when they had gotten to the bottom to the list. Having ticked every box.

And he simply let Roman hug him close as the prince told him that fairytale relationships weren’t the part that made them fairytales. Ignoring the glow around them and ignoring how they morphed into one lone man. Arms wrapped around himself as he sobbed.

And he simply let Deceit comfort him when the snake walked into the room and saw Romulus on the bed. Eyes red and puffy and snot running down his face and into his moustache. Deceit rubbed his back and cooed meaningless words until they’d calm down and the man turned into two again. One worried out of his mind, the other broken. So very broken. Because Patton couldn’t be wrong but he was and he was wrong and bad and evil and and and-

“Patton I’m sorry but I’m breaking up with you.”

“What?”

“I said I’m breaking up with y-”

“Why? I treated you so well. I tried to improve you, Remus. To make you better! I did everything for you and now you’re going to leave me? After all I did?”

“This relationship just isn’t healthy for m-” “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. I DO! I’M MORALITY!”

“I know,” Remus said quietly. Though the fire he felt within, the knowledge that he was so close to being better, so close to not crying in the shower every night, kept him going forward.

“It’s just not working out. It’s not your fault Patton I just don’t feel the same anymore.” 

That was a lie. He loved the other. He really did. But Roman had told him how relationships should be. And Patton had ticked every item on the list for toxic relationships. And Deceit had helped him calm down enough to get the whole story. And he hadn’t broken down in the shower that night. And he was strong. 

“You’ll never be good without my help.”

“Then I guess I won’t be.” Remus turned around. Walking towards the door. Towards where Deceit and Roman were waiting on the other side. Towards recovery.

“I just wanted to fix you.”

“Goodbye Patton.”

He opened the door. Walking through it and leaving Patton in his own room.

Both Deceit and Roman hugged him when he walked out. And Remus found that, while his love for his family was very different from the burning passion he felt for Patton, he’d much rather have this than late night showers.