#reminds me of when we were in pakistan and my cousins got more money than me and my siblings combined

[thursdayg1rl]

what is the point of someone saying "they wouldnt do that" when they did in fact do that and everyone does that.

[delightfulranchdeputypanda-blog]

Extra # 3

 Today mom Umi said (while she and I were watching a movie called highway and the main character was in kashmeer and she was getting her hair braided) she remembered that we used to love getting our hair braided by our Kabli (gypsies) friends. And I just thought about all those memories vaguely (which also makes me really sad because I want to hold on so bad I truly do but our memory keeps getting worse and those older things are fading quicker than I thought they would) and have come to realize I have always loved braids and more importantly “hair culture “ like the feeling of having someone rub oil in your hair and take hours to braid it is so therapeutic and I feel, creates such strong bonds. And braiding someone else’s hair has such a maternal feel to it and I love that and that’s probably why I love doing Yaya’s (my cousin) hair so much and I truly think that helped us become closer (even though we’ve always kind of had a natural bond which is kind of cute and makes me really happy😊). And I just realized my hair makes me feel Pakistani like my hair and my nose ring and I think I just figured out why. As a kid I always played with the boys because 1) I only had boy cousins and 2) my hair was always shaved and I never felt like a girl until my hair grew. And that's when I made girlfriends and you know what I love the most is that my friends were from poorer families and they weren’t like me and their families were so tight like they shared everything with each other and their dads and parents were their best friends. And they made me feel like a part of all that and these loving nurturing people are my definition of beauty. Like when I see people out in the world the people that I find beautiful remind me of those from my past. Strong women whose circumstances were bad but they still made time for their kids and made time to be happy and to love. These women in my past that are so beautiful to me always had dark long hair and sunspots or tan skin and cute little wrinkles around their eyes and mouths. And their hands were so coarse like when they’d accidentally touch your forehead while brushing your hair and it kind of hurt because their callused hands were so rough 😄(but I really miss that).  And their brown loving eyes and their witty humor and they moved so quickly and they were smart like really street smart. Some were super simple and unbothered but they were smart they knew how to hack everything. And they were physically strong too! All types of bodies chubby, tall, slender, petite, broad and everything under the sun some were Asian others looked white and the khablis are from Afghanistan so obviously, they looked different too but they were all so pretty to me and I loved when they talked to me. And even now on Instagram like the people I follow are pretty but I follow this page that gives water to other countries and the pictures they post are my favorite and I find those women so much more beautiful like they’re real to me and I feel like I know them something about them is so familiar. And they always wore hoop earrings like tiny hoops either silver or gold and everyone had a gaudy nose ring and I feel more confident with my fake one and I like that it reminds me of these people and I feel like I have an identity. it’s something that I’ve always loved. And that’s something I’ve been struggling with lately like I feel like I don't know what I am or what I’m doing I just wanna go back and revisit and relive somethings because honestly I’ve kinda sacrificed a lot trying to fit in here and trying to be okay all the time and forgetting things on purpose like obviously in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t seem like a big deal but IT IS! It so is! Like Henna and them all they know is here and I totally look up to henna a lot for obvious reasons but I am not her and never will be and I’ve tried so hard to be these past however many years I’ve been here (and this came up the other day briefly) that's why I went to Lincoln I always felt like I was in someone's shadow. Like when I was little I was Rab Nawaz Khan Alizais granddaughter and he spent money on my friends and that's why people wanted to be friends with me. I just kind of secluded myself. And then after that, I was the girl without a dad and the grandma that sent suitcases of stuff from America who only had friends so they can get cool stuff. Then I was the girl whose family got killed and now she dresses like a boy to be in hiding. Then when I came here I was the weird new girl that “spoke Spanish or Indian”. Then I learned English and I still wasn’t Sarina then I was Henna’s cousin 😄. Then I went to Pulliam and I was the new girl that looked like Moe from lemonade mouth whose grandpa just died. Then finally I made it to Colonial Heights and I was Sarina with the hair flip lol finally something that was mine! Like people actually knew my name and didn’t associate me with anyone and people actually noticed stuff about me for once. Oh, she’s actually smart and she’s from Pakistan and learned English. She likes to braid hair find her at lunch lol she's in the choir she likes to draw shes nice she’ll help you with homework find her at the wall or in the library. I was actually me and it felt good. Nothing and no one was attached to me and I wasn’t getting any bad attention from anywhere and I didn’t feel like I was being used or people were only friends with me for money or because boys had a crush on my cousin or girls wanted to be friends with my cousin. I was me. And all throughout high school I was happy with myself and everything I did I grew peacefully and I had a great time and I don’t think I would’ve if I went to Weston Ranch and that’s the honest truth and I feel kind of bad that that’s how I feel but it’s the truth. And obviously I love henna and I love my grandparents and my dad but I just want people to see me when they look at me not just a steppingstone to get to the person they actually want to be close to. Anyway so I was thinking maybe that’s why I never cut my hair really like I want a change but at the same time I love my hair and my nose ring and I like my acne scars Like when it’s just me and my reflection I look at them and I think they don’t look that bad like obviously I’m not in love with them but they don’t bother me until I go out into the world and I hope to have more to say about them another time but for now that’s all I got but I wanna go back to the Pakistani thing. I love gaudy silver jewelry always have because of my childhood friends and I like mirrors and beads on my clothes and I like black Chiras for my head and I love panzebah and I loved when the lady with a basket full of vanga would come in the morning. And I like Bollywood and the movies and flower jewelry for weddings and Urdu and Punjabi and Arabic and like desi middle eastern music and I realized it most at cousin Nazish’s wedding. And Simran on Instagram helped me really be proud I saw she was proud to be Indian and I decided why can’t I be proud to be Pakistani?