#reminds me of cartoon saloon for some reason

[goethefaustworld]

For some reason, this reminds me of Cartoon Saloon animation

Very Secret of Kells-y, I think

Also, the fire is so lovingly animated!

[sunshinexlollipops]

I hate any and all pizza. Is that a crime? ‘Cause all my friends think that’s a crime. 🍕

OKIE OKIEEEEEE— I heard you all.

Here’s PART TWO to “Need a Lift?” with a bit of a twist. ;)

(click HERE to read part one!)

“Pick Me Up Lines”

“You don’t like pizza?”

“No, never have. My friends say I’m weird for it, and John threw me in jail over it because he said it was a crime, but that’s just my prefences.”

“That’s…”

You blink, looking at Arthur from where he drives as though he were an alien instead of a man. Well, you guess it would make more sense either way— him not being a man. After all, he literally lifted your car by hand and—

“I just don’t like how heavy it is,” Arthur scratches at the peach fuzz lining his chin, “Like grease from the pepperoni or cheese? It’s too much.”

“But jail?”

“It wasn’t an actual jail,” he clarifies, “But there’s a cell and everythin’. Didn’t really work when I bent the bars to get out.”

You stare at the man.

“You bent metal over a debate on pizza.”

“I am very strong about protectin’ my beliefs.”

“Or just very fucking strong,” you mutter, and you shake your head and earning a chuckle from Arthur before you ask, “Do you like garlic bread at least?”

“Well, yeah. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it.”

“Okay… So you’re not entirely a lost cause,” you murmur as Arthur takes a turn, “But still— no pizza?”

“If you wanna eat pizza, that’s just fine by me. I don’t want you to think you gotta eat somethin’ I like. That ain’t really the point of a date.”

You blink, cheeks burning then as you stare at Arthur. He seems to catch onto your reaction then, and the collar of his frock coat folds as he looks at you.

“What?”

“You just said the D-word.”

“That ain’t the D-word.”

“Yes it is,” you turn to him then in your seat, pointing a finger at him, “Do you not know how to spell it?”

Huffing, Arthur grumbles, “Last I checked, it’s spelled D–I–C—”

“No! Not dick, Arthur!” the man coughs as you hit him lightly on the shoulder, “You said… d… date.”

“How are you literally so comfortable with sayin’ the d-word but not date—”

“YOU SAID IT AGAIN—”

“Because that’s what we’re doin’!” Arthur laughs at you then as he stops at the red light, “We’re gonna have dinner together. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.”

Rolling your eyes lightly, you huff, looking out of the foggy and snowy window, “I’m not sayin’ that.”

“Well, I don’t like pizza and you don’t like the word date,” Arthur hums, “Strange folks, we are.”

You also have superhuman strength?

“It’s not that I don’t like the word or what we are doing, it’s just that it’s kind of unexpected. Like, I was supposed to go home and watch Umbrella Academy on Netflix, and now here I am, going to have dinner with who I am positive is the bumpkin inspiration for Luther Hargreeves.”

“Luther-who-now?”

You ignore Arthur’s question and sigh, drawing an absent squiggle into the condensation on his car window. As your finishing your abstract masterpiece of boredom, you begin to notice the overall construction and architecture of Valentine change. Suddenly, all the buildings begin to pick up a western theme, and your mind bogles as you look down one road to find it entirely looking like an old western town from the late 1800’s.

Well, how a western outlaw town would look buried under six inches of piling, white snow.

“What in the hell?” you look back at Arthur then, “Did we suddenly time travel? Like… I have a Toyota man, not a tardis.”

“I have no idea what that is.”

“I would be more surprised if you did. But don’t worry, I’m not much of a Doctor Who fan. I only watched it for David Tennant and that was all I would allow myself.”

“Remind to ask you about what you said later,” he mutters.  

Arthur slows as you arrive to a saloon-themed diner of all things, donned with the gaudy name of “The Chuckwagon” written in an old timey font with a cartoon rendition of an Armadillo tipping its hat at you. You take in the double doors with decals on them to appear like the clip art version of wooden saloon doors, and the fact that the roof has even an arched top to appear like an old wagon topped with canvas.

“Uh.”

“Appearance is weird, but the food is good,” Arthur says with some defense.

“Care to explain why the entire town has gone Clint Eastwood on me?”

Arthur sighs as he parks his tow truck, “This is gonna sound weird, but… We’re a tourist attraction here. One of those re-enactment places you sometimes hear about.”

“Oh! So that’s what you meant by it not being an actual jail!”

He nods, “Precisely.”

Your eyes lighten up as the prospects pile up before you.

“For the love of everything holy, please tell me you’re the sheriff—”

“No, that’s Dutch, but sometimes I play the deputy. Otherwise… I play a bounty hunter.”

“Sweet mother of… At least tell me you’re from somewhere southern?”

“No. I’m from California. LA, actually… only reason I have an accent is that it got stuck,” Arthur then clears his throat, talking without an accent, “I used to sound like this.”

Your voice is quiet in the cab as Arthur silences the engine and undoes his seatbelt, “Oh my god…”

“We’re a bit of a weird town, but that’s how we are… Dutch actually owns all these places, runs it during the summer. Obviously this is the off season, so we do other stuff to stay afloat like being an in-between point for major cities around here. It pays well when it’s the height of tourist season.”

You both exit the car, and you look over to him as you step onto the curb and head towards the Chuckwagon. The harsh wind whips at your face and hair, and you feel your skin heat up as Arthur goes to pull one of the doors to the themed diner.

“Thought people didn’t really go to these kinda places anymore?”

“Well, we have other stuff apart from the re-enactments, but it helps with shows like Westworld comin’ out.”

Under your breath, you hiss, “I’m gonna have a stroke…”

Arthur doesn’t seem to hear you as the bell above the doors rings upon your entry.

The inside of the diner looks just like the outside, with the wood-paneled walls and the fake potted cactuses that sit at each table, a designated repetition like the salt and pepper shakers and napkin dispensers.  

Immediately, as Arthur stops at the podium and you pause at his side, a girl walks up to the hostess station, grinning like wild as she twirls one of her blonde curls.

She’s dressed in appropriate attire for the location, except with a more modern, dignified twist. With her white and purple dress, she looks straight out of a western flick with a poor budget as you wave at her lightly.

“Ah now, Arthur, who is this fine thing you’re thinkin’ ‘bout right now?”

“My date,” he says easily.  

Flushing a bit, you wave a slight hand at the blonde as she narrows her eyes on you.  

“Again with the d-word!” you nudge his side, to which Arthur lightly rolls his eyes.

“Hm,” there’s a twinkle in the woman’s gaze, much like the blue glitter in her eyeshadow as she grabs two menus from the podium and beckons you both to follow, “Don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“I’m not from here… Arthur, he found me on the road, stuck in this stupid storm with my car just about dead.”

“Oh Arthur, you’re such a hero! Trust me, she thought you were impressive!”

“But—“

“I’m not a hero, Karen.”

“Yeah, but to your date, you’re Superman.”

Snorting as she stops in front of a both, and you and Arthur go to seat yourselves, he comments idly as the waitress sets your menus onto the table, “I ain’t no Clark Kent.”

“Please! Some glasses and hair dye, and you’d be perfect!”

You have to agree. He’s got the powers and everything, after all. Only thing that’s stopping him is the wardrobe.

“Hey, even your date agrees!”

Frowning lightly, you realize, “I didn’t say I did—“

“Nah. I was Deadpool once for John’s Halloween party and that was enough.”

Eyes widening, you gape, attention diverted, “You dressed as Wade Wilson!?”

“Yes. And I can say I’m not a fan of spandex.”

Laughing, Karen jests, “The other people sure were, though.”  

“Karen,” he pushes.  

“Alright, well I’ll leave you two be for a minute. But expect me to come back ‘round! I wanna know more ‘bout you!”

You grin sheepishly at Karen as she sways back into the rest of the diner, and then you look back to Arthur.  

“So is she part of the re-enactments thing?”

“No. She ain’t in character. She’s just like that,” Arthur explains, “Bless her heart.”

“I’m guessing most of you are here for the re-enactments thing?”

Arthur nods, picking up his menu, “Most are. There’s a few who don’t. Like Hosea, he doesn’t exactly partake. But he’s older and his job is more so financial-based than anything with actin’. He helps keep Dutch and this place in line… Probably the only reason we’re still open after all these years.”

You hum, looking at the armadillo brandishing his lasso on the front of the menu as someone else approaches your table.

“My my, Arthur Morgan! You sly dog!”

You look up to see another woman, her hair also done in curls like Karen’s, but her sandy hair is pulled back along the top and held together in a braid that cascades down her shoulders like the rest of her hair. She’s dressed in period-appropriate attire just like Karen, except her tacky dress is a light blue that is what you wished the sky looked like right now.

“Hey, Mary-Beth.”

“Say, what could I get you two to drink?”

Arthur hums, rubbing his chin, “Guess I’ll take a coffee. Black, please.”  

Scribbling his request down, Mary-Beth then regards you, “And what would you like?”

“Sweet tea, I guess.”

“Lemon?”

Shrugging you shake your head, “I’m indifferent about them.”

“I’ll bring some on the side just in case you want some,” she winks, “I’ll grab those drinks and be right back to take your order.”

Mary-Beth offers a polite and curt smile to you both before walking to the drink station in the corner of the room.

“Guess I should look at the menu then…”

“Most of the food here is pretty good. Pearson has gotten better over the years, so any decision you make should be fine… Just avoid the soup of the day. It’s always chili no matter what. It’s all he can make.”

You sputter a small laugh, but go back to looking at the listed foods.  

“What do you plan on getting?” you ask.

“Probably the cowboy burger,” he answers, rubbing at his chin with one hand, “I’m in the mood for some crispy onions.”

Nodding, you take in Arthur’s decision as you try to make your own.

After a bit of browsing, you decide to just go along with Arthur and get a burger. You fold your menu back up and set it on top of Arthur’s before setting your eyes on him.

He’s already looking at you, brows creased and gaze focused, and you quirk an eyebrow at him.

“What?”

“Nothin’… Just think I’ve talked about myself a lot. I was wonderin’ a bit about you.”

You flush some, smirking, “Well, I was visiting my family up here, holidays, ya know? I live a few hours away for school and whatnot. I’m trying to study for programming.”

“Oh, like computers n’ stuff?”

You shake your head with a laugh, “Nah, like video games and stuff.”

Arthur looks like he wants to ask more, but he is cut off by Mary-Beth returning with your drinks. She sets Arthur’s steaming mug of coffee down before before grabbing your glass of tea and placing it on your side of the table.  

“Know what you want?”

“Yeah.”

Arthur goes first, “I’ll have the cowboy burger. No mayo, extra pickles.”

Noting his meal down, Mary-Beth looks to you.

“And you?”

Swallowing, you tell her, “I guess I’ll have the same? No mayo or tomato though. Regular amount of pickles.”

“Looks like that’s it! I’ll be back to check on you a couple of times, but otherwise the food shouldn’t take long!”

“Thanks, Mary-Beth,” Arthur grins, sipping at his coffee.  

“Thank you,” you smile at her.

“No problem!” she beams, “If y’all also need anythin’ let me know!”

Mary-Beth leaves, and you look over to Arthur.

“She’s really nice,” he tells you, “Probably the sweetest here in Valentine.”

“So. This town, Valentine… why haven’t I heard of it before?”

Arthur hums, finishing his sip of coffee before answering, “Like I said, it’s not dying but we aren’t major either. It’s gotten a little better over the past few years, and like I said, were the first town on the highway for a minute, so people pit stop here all the time anyways. Guess we’re kinda more a local thing or something you happen ‘cross.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you like it?”

Humming, you place your hands around your glass of tea, “Not sure how I feel about it. Ain’t like a piece of pizza to me yet.”

Chuckling, he sends you a warm look.

“Hey man, I’mma dog you like your name is Clifford for as long as I can for that one.”

“As I’ve noticed,” Arthur tilts his head at you then, “So, you said you wanted to make video games?”

“Oh yes,” you brighten some, “It can be pretty rough depending on what you’re doing… and certain developers aren’t doing too hot or mismanaged like hell, but I love video games. And a lot of people do too, if they’re done right,” you pause, “You play anything?”

Arthur pulls out his cellphone, an older smart one by the looks of it. Now considered ancient with the new models coming out. Honestly, you were expecting a flip phone at this rate, so you’re gonna count your blessings where they lie.  

“I play solitaire sometimes. And there’s an app I mess with occasionally. Just one of those puzzle ones, and I had Mancala on here until I had the moves memorized and it was just click n’ go. But I don’t really get involved with games.”

You fiddle with your straw, twirling it in your glass as you specify things, “What about on a console? Xbox, PlayStation? You play anything there?”

“Nah. The most I own is a DVD player at my house. I never really played games overall.”

You hum, “Sounds kinda fitting. At least you don’t have a VCR.”

Rolling his eyes playfully, Arthur asks, “What about you?”

“I’ve played a few things across quite a few platforms. I don’t really have a specific favorite or something I’m diehard for. If I like something, then I like it. Doesn’t matter what it’s on or about.”

Grinning, Arthur nods, “That’s commendable.”

“I just wanna make something everyone enjoys. Something anyone can have fun with, ya know?” you stop moving your straw then, focusing entirely on the man across from you, “I just wanna be able to create that feeling I had as a kid, playing something and enjoying myself. And to share that with other people.”

“That’s a beautiful thing to want.”

Flushing, you sheepishly ask, “What about you? Why did you decide to come to Valentine?”

“Ah. I liked actin’ but I’m not a huge fan of the industry. There’s a lotta problems there. And I guess I’ve always like country life but I’m too modern to exactly accept it entirely. So this was easy. I was actually on my way up to New York and my car broke down kinda outside of town, and found my way here. Just stayed ever since.”

“Huh.”

You sip at your tea then, thinking.  

“Guess we both just kinda wandered down here.”

Smirking, Arthur explains, “Valentine is just like that. A lot of people don’t expect to stop here, but they do. It’s gotta way if growin’ on ya.”

“I suppose so… I haven’t seen anything like it.”

“It’s a strange place, for sure…”

You nod, thinking back to when Arthur lifted your car. There’s nothing but snow and strange in this bitch.  

“You have questions,” he notes.  

Looking up from your tea to the aspiring actor gone tow-truck cowboy, you blink.  

“Questions?”

“Obviously,” Arthur takes a sip of his coffee before setting his mug down, the dark liquid steaming as his licks his lips before speaking once more, “I saw your face earlier. Both when I was towin’ your sedan, and at the gas station. You haven’t brought it up so far, and honestly… it’s kinda strange.”

“A lotta things are strange here,” you whisper, “You think me refraining from asking why that is happens to be one of them?”

“Well yeah. Man lifts a car in front of you no problem, and all you do is tell me I’m a Netflix character. You’re not a Buzzfeed quiz.”

“I’m not rude, either.”

Snorting, Arthur explains, “Would it be rude to really ask why it’s possible when you know it shouldn’t be?”

“Hey, as long as you got me outta that ditch and didn’t murder me, I was fine with the super strength. You’re like a ninja turtle. Except you’re not a turtle. And you hate pizza.”

“I don’t hate pizza.”

“You don’t love it either.”

“I know what I like to eat,” he says, and your eyebrows raise as his gaze heats a little, “Depends on if what I come across matches my taste.”

Your mouth goes dry, your heart hampering away in your chest as Mary-Beth seems to appear in front of you with your food.

“Here ya go! Two burgers! And I brought a bowl of pickles out for you, Arthur.”

“Thanks,” Arthur sends her a grin, all friendly like he hadn’t just eyed you like a god damn snacc.  

“You still okay?” Mary-Beth asks you.  

Flushed and flustered, you are only able to nod.  

“Awesome!” she grins, “I’m gonna give you all some space, and I’ll check on you in a minute!”

You look down at your plate, and you hear what almost sounds like static at your side. Glancing up, you see that the space beside you where Mary-Beth once was is now suddenly vacated entirely.  

Bugging out of their sockets, your eyes move to Arthur, who seems completely unbothered by the sudden disappearance of your waitress and his friend.  

“She does that,” he says easily, picking up his burger, “She can teleport. Wish I could. She saves so much on gas.”

You look at your plate, your mind going elsewhere as you stare at your food.  

“You’re… you’re not the only one who can do weird things?”

“We all can. Honestly, we all wound up here one way or another by happenstance. We all have somethin’ ‘bout ourselves that ain’t normal, too.”

Looking to where Karen stands at the booth, looking in the mirror of her compact blush as she reapplies her make-up, you find yourself asking, “What can she do?”

“It’s kind of annoyin’ at times when she will play with you,” Arthur takes a bite of his burger, chewing, “but Karen? She’s a telepath.”

“And our cook?”

The man deadpans, “Oh, Pearson? He can transfigure things. Except his ability is kinda broken… it all just becomes chili.”

You can’t help it, despite your shock, your burst out laughing.  

Arthur looks startled for a second, obviously not expecting that kind of reaction, but he smiles nonetheless.  

After it dies on your tongue, you ask, “You said everyone has a strange ability?”

“Yes. Well, except for Micah. He’s a bit sour about it, and honestly, he’s an asshole before that, and he’s also grumpy about bein’ the janitor of the place too. But everyone kind of has their own specialty. I’m sure you can guess mine.”

“An unexplainable and unnatural amount of strength?”

Chuckling, he nods.

“You know,” he begins, “You’re takin’ this a lot better than I expected.”

You shrug, murmuring, “I suppose there have been weirder things to happen to me.”

“Are you sure ‘bout that?”

“Don’t John Cena me.”

His brows furrow with confusion then, “Who now?”

Shaking your head, you mutter, “Nevermind…”

The man buns, taking a bite of his burger as you pick at your fries.  

Honestly, it is a lot to process, and your brain? Well, you might as well be staring at a blue error 404 screen. There’s no way you could grasp enough brain cells to wrap your mind around the concept of a western re-enactment tourist city being filled with people just as unordinary as the town itself.

You find your curiosity getting the better of you, and you lose your focus on your plate of food.

“You mentioned Dutch and Hosea, the people who kinda run this place. What can they do?”

“Oh, Hosea can predict the future, to an extent. And Dutch, he has the ability to turn invisible. Which is funny, ‘cause all the man wants it to be seen.”

Humming, you ask, “How many of you are there?”

“Eighteen,” he tells you, “not includin’ me or Jack.”

“Jack?”

“Abigail and John’s son. We don’t know if he’s got an ability or not.”

“Oh. Cool,” pausing, you glance up at him, “Is this all supposed to be a secret?”

“We don’t like to make it known, but… I feel like I can trust you,” Arthur states, “And even then, it’s hard for anyone to believe if they don’t see it themselves.”

Blushing a bit from his initial admission, you nod, “Point made I guess.”

Taking another bite, Arthur speaks with his cheek propping out like a chipmunk’s, “Are you gonna eat?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Got distracted.”

You munch on your burger absentmindedly. And as you eat, you know that Arthur’s eyes don’t leave you. He’s obviously gauging you, and with the way his eyes squint, it’s like he struggles.  

Which is weird.  

You’re pretty much an open book when it comes to your feelings. You always have been.  

As you finish your burger, Arthur offers an inquisitive look.  

“How’s the food?”

“It’s not pizza,” when Arthur chuckles, you relent some, “It’s pretty good.”

“The chili is too. But you can try that next time.”

Blinking, you tilt your head, “Next time?”

“Well, you’re gonna have to stay here for a minute. This blizzard isn’t gonna let up for a few days, and it’s gonna take a couple more for the plows to come through and clear this all out.”

Nodding, you sigh, “Of course…”

“You sound delighted about that.”

“It’s not that I’m not enjoying our time together,” you insist, and you reach over, placing your hand over Arthur’s, “I don’t feel bad about meeting you at all.”

You see Arthur’s face scrunch up in confusion, but then his features slacken, his eyes glazed a little as he looks to you.  

“Yeah… same.”

Quirking a brow at him, you remove your hand, cheeks burning as he stares at you while you shove your hands into your jacket pockets.  

“Well, food’s eaten. What do we do now?”

“Why pay, of course!”

“JESUS CHRIST—“

Mary-Beth bursts out laughing at you as you clutch at your chest.  

The air somewhat glitters around her from where she appeared, and Arthur seems to shake off whatever came over him as he sees her.

“I’ve been called worse, but I’ll take it!”

She sets a black checkbook down onto the table.

“It’s no rush to either of ya.”

“We’re both done. Ain’t no rushin’ for us,” Arthur snatches the checkbook before you’re even able to get your hands out of your coat pockets, “And I got it.”

“Such a gentleman!” Mary-Beth winks.  

Rolling his eyes lightly, Arthur places a twenty and some ones into the checkbook, “Keep the change.”

“He’s treating both of us,” Mary-Beth nudges you then.  

Nodding at her, you watch as Arthur stands and Karen comes up to your table.

“Leavin’ already?”

“Seems like that’s what you do once you eat n’ pay,” Arthur jokes.  

You stand up as well, glancing at Karen and Mary-Beth as they openly judge you. Their hands are on their chins and everything.  

It’s like those two old guy muppets judging you, as though Arthur had picked you up off of Sesame Street instead of the snowed-in highway.

“Girls,” Arthur warns without much heat.  

He comes over to your side, putting a hand at the small of your back as the girls come closer.  

“Arthur, we’re just curious!”

“I know ya are. But it’s been a long day, and—“

Karen huffs, “You just wanna take the date to the hotel. Or your place. Whichever. Long as it’s got a bed.”

Arthur stops, voice dying and crackling out miserably. You glance to him, cheeks burning.  

Arthur wanted— …

Oh.  

O h.  

Oh fuck. He wants to fuck—

“You ain’t gotta be like that, Karen.”

“It’s okay. They don’t mind either.”

“Karen!”

Wait. Karen can read minds. Right.  

Meaning. She can hear you.

Right now.  

Thinking of Arthur burying his dick in you like your car did with the snowbank he pulled you out of which OH—

“I ain’t even gotta use my powers to know. Just lookin’ at you two and I can tell you wanna test how soundproof Grimshaw’s hotel is.”

“KAREN—“

She shrugs, nonplussed in the wake of your own and Arthur’s mortification.

Mary-Beth only nods at Karen’s words, and you wish a hole would open up here in the floor to swallow you whole.  

“Can we leave please?”

“Be our guest,” Karen gestures to the door then, “But don’t worry. I’ll hear about it. Either from Grimshaw or from across the road.”

“Karen,” Arthur sends her a pleading look.  

You both scurry past her, escaping out of the Chuckwagon and our into the freezing world outside of it.  

As you rush to Arthur’s tow truck, your mind can’t help but play a loop on what just happened.  

You both get into the cab of the truck, the space of it barely warm from where you had been in it before. Arthur rushes to start the car, and as soon as it rumbles to life, you both reach to adjust the AC.  

Your fingers brush against one another, and you swallow thickly as Arthur stalls.  

Arthur gets that same look about him as he did in the restaurant as you pull your hand away, and you look out of the window.  

Some moments pass, and the air is as tense as it is cold as the heater in the tow truck slowly comes back from the brink of freezing.  

“Hey…”

You glance back at Arthur, cheeks redder than the man’s as he looks at you.  

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want you to think we gotta do anythin’ or whatever. I’m not gonna ask you to do anythin’ because I helped you, or that I’m interested and want somethin’ back. You only ever have to do anything you chose and are comfortable with,” you’re taken aback with some surprise then, “Karen really went over the line back there and—“

You cut him off by pressing your lips against his, and you feel Arthur go slack against you.  

His lips are chapped, but soft past the dryness of his skin. But it doesn’t come close to the way his hand comes up the side of your face, and his fingers work their way into your hair.

His lips work against your own finally, and you make a small noise before Arthur finally breaks away.  

He’s panting lightly, and you go back into your seat, breathing.  

And of course, that’s when you look into the foggy windows of the Chuckwagon to see Mary-Beth and Karen whooping at you.  

“Oh Jesus—“

Arthur pulls his tow truck away from the parking lot then, and onto the road, and you both ride on in silence for a moment or two.  

It’s as Arthur gets down the end of the road, his truck going to turn, that he regards you.  

“So… you okay if I take you to my place, or did you want to head to the hotel after we grab your things?”  

You can’t help it, but you laugh and shake your head, your smile as warm as the cab of the tow truck now.

“We can pick it up on the way to either, if you want.”

“There’s somethin’ else I’d like to be pickin’ up—”

“You are the worst.”

Triumphantly, he declares, “But I’m not pizza.”

“No,” you smirk, “No you’re not.”

[proxylynn]

Underfell: File Name not Edgy Enough #21

Chapter 21: Fear

WARNING: I WANT NO RESPONSIBILITY OVER SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS. THAT BEING SAID, THIS IS HOW FILE NAME NOT FOUND WOULD FUNCTION IN THE AU OF UNDERFELL. BEFORE YOU READ THIS, UNLIKE THE NICE TIME OF UNDERTALE, THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED. THIS STORY WILL BE GRAPHIC, GORY, USE SWEARS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, AND DEAL WITH SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERS. FOR EXAMPLE, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ THE FILE NAME RELOCATED SPOOF WILL KNOW HOW I PICTURE THIS VERSION OF LYNSIE COMING TO THE UNDERGROUND. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING DUMB. IT IS BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO END HER LIFE. SO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I MADE IT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LET SOME OF THIS EDGINESS OUT OF MYSELF. WHICH I GUESS MAKES UNDERFELL LYNSIE EVEN MORE TRUE TO WHO I REALLY AM. ANYWAY, ENJOY. ^_^

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It's nice being back home with Toriel. Minus a few things, it's easy to return to the old routine. Storytime around the fire. Diner table eating with her and Flowey. And just normal non-threatening chitchat that doesn't end with me being hit for some moronic reason. Hell, even sleep was easier to achieve once my head hit the good old pillow. Though for some reason, something didn't feel right. Like there was something left undone or missing that made going to sleep just a wee bit uncomfortable. I don't know. It could be just my weird soul shit acting up or nothing at all. Dumb body with its dumber problems. Yet when slumber came none of that mattered. All that matters is rest and peaceful dreams.

...

That is until a familiar door takes me away and I return to a place that I have been internally dreading. The Void is how it has always been. And the doctor that is its hostage seems to be in an interesting mood as if he's been waiting for me.

"✋❄🕯💧 👌☜☜☠ ✌ 🕈☟✋☹☜📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜📬" (IT'S BEEN A WHILE, LITTLE ONE.)

I shrug.

"So it has. Time flies when things happen."

"✋☠👎☜☜👎📬 ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ 👌☜☜☠ ✈🕆✋❄☜ ❄☟☜ 👌🕆💧✡ ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ❄☟✋☠☝📪 ☟✌✞☜☠🕯❄ ✡⚐🕆✍" (INDEED. YOU HAVE BEEN QUITE THE BUSY LITTLE THING, HAVEN'T YOU?)

"Well, you know. I couldn't just sit around forever. Heh...Be kinda boring for you to see if I did."

"✋ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎☠🕯❄ 💧✌✡ ❄☟✌❄ ☜✠✌👍❄☹✡📬" (I WOULDN'T SAY THAT EXACTLY.)

I tilt my head.

"Oh?"

Gaster chuckles lightly.

"✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌💣🕆💧✋☠☝ ✋☠❄☜☼✌👍❄✋⚐☠💧 🕈☟☜☠ ✋☠❄⚐✠✋👍✌❄☜👎📬 ✋❄🕯💧 ☼☜✌☹☹✡ ✌ 💧☟✌💣☜ ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ ☠⚐ 💣☜💣⚐☼✡ ⚐☞ ❄☟☜ ☜✞☜☠❄💧 ⚐☠👍☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧⚐👌☜☼ 🕆🏱📬 ❄☟⚐🕆☝☟ ❄☟☜☼☜ 🕈✌💧 ❄☟✌❄ ⚐☠☜ ❄✋💣☜ ✡⚐🕆 ☼☜👍✌☹☹☜👎 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ ✡⚐🕆 ❄☼✋☜👎 ❄⚐ ☞⚐☼☝☜❄📬 👌🕆❄ 🕈☜ 👍✌☠ 👍☟✌☹😐 ❄☟✌❄ 🕆🏱 ❄⚐ ✋❄ 👌☜✋☠☝ 👌☜👍✌🕆💧☜ ✋❄ ☟✌🏱🏱☜☠☜👎 🕈☟✋☹☜ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☹☼☜✌👎✡ 💧⚐👌☜☼ 💧⚐ ❄☟☜ ✌☹👍⚐☟⚐☹✋👍 ☜☞☞☜👍❄💧 🕈☜☼☜☠🕯❄ ✌💧 💣✋☠👎 ✌☹❄☜☼✋☠☝ ✌💧 🕆💧🕆✌☹📬 💧❄✋☹☹📬📬📬❄☟☜ 💧❄⚐☼✋☜💧 ✋ 👍⚐🕆☹👎 💧☟���☼☜📬 👌🕆❄ ✡⚐🕆 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 👎⚐🕆👌❄ ❄☟☜✋☼ ✌🕆❄☟☜☠❄✋👍✋❄✡📬" (YOU HAVE SUCH AMUSING INTERACTIONS WHEN INTOXICATED. IT'S REALLY A SHAME YOU HAVE NO MEMORY OF THE EVENTS ONCE YOU SOBER UP. THOUGH THERE WAS THAT ONE TIME YOU RECALLED SOMETHING YOU TRIED TO FORGET. BUT WE CAN CHALK THAT UP TO IT BEING BECAUSE IT HAPPENED WHILE YOU ALREADY SOBER SO THE ALCOHOLIC EFFECTS WEREN'T AS MIND ALTERING AS USUAL. STILL...THE STORIES I COULD SHARE. BUT YOU WOULD DOUBT THEIR AUTHENTICITY.)

Well, he's got me curious, that's for sure.

"You have my interest, sir."

He waves dismissively.

"☠⚐📪 ✋❄🕯💧 🏱☼⚐👌✌👌☹✡ 👌☜💧❄ ❄☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 😐☠⚐🕈📬" (NO, IT'S PROBABLY BEST THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.)

"Oh, come on. You can't just bait me onto the hook then leave me gasping for breath as I dangle here. Tell me something. Even if it sounds crazy."

A mischievous curl twists his features.

"✌☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧🕆☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 ❄☟✌❄🕯💧 🕈☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 🕈✌☠❄✍" (ARE YOU SURE YOU THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT?)

I shouldn't fall for such an obvious ploy. But if I didn't, I wouldn't be me and I'd miss out on weird stuff.

"Sir, you take me for someone that is easily befuddled? Nay! Go ahead. Tell me forth your secrets, all knowing and mighty keeper of the Void. Please deliver onto me the unknowns of this world regardless of my limited ability to accept or comprehend them."

He eyes me a moment. And for just a brief second, I would swear there's a hint of a blush to color this man. I guess my words were complimentary enough to get to him yet silly enough to not have it last.

"🕈☜☹☹📬📬📬☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼ ❄☟☜ ⚐❄☟☜☼ ☠✋☝☟❄ 🕈☟☜☠ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☠👎 💧✌☠💧 🕈☜☼☜ 👎☼✋☠😐✋☠☝✍" (WELL...REMEMBER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN YOU AND SANS WERE DRINKING?)

Oh boy. Which circle of hell will this lead me into?

"I remember. I mean...I remember some of it. Like the start of the drinking and me telling him about some of the crap that's been happening, like Mettaton calling me. But then it gets muddier than a brown pig lost in a mudslide."

Where am I pulling these weird analogies from? I watch way too many cartoons or not enough. Not sure really.

"❄☟☜☠ ✡⚐🕆 🏱☼⚐👌✌👌☹✡ ☟✌✞☜ ☠⚐ ☼☜👍⚐☹☹☜👍❄✋⚐☠ ⚐☞ 👍☜☼❄✌✋☠ ❄☟✋☠☝💧📬 ✌❄ ⚐☠☜ 🏱⚐✋☠❄📪 ✋ ☼☜💣✋☠👎 ✡⚐🕆 ❄☟✌❄ ❄☟☜ 👌⚐❄☟ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆 🕈☜☼☜ ☟✋☝☟☹✡ ✋☠☜👌☼✋✌❄☜👎📪 ✌☠👎 🕈☜☹☹📬📬📬🕆💣📬📬📬✋🕯💣 ☠⚐❄ ☜☠❄✋☼☜☹✡ 💧🕆☼☜ ✋☞ ✋🕯💣 ✌👌☹☜ ❄⚐ 🏱🕆❄ 🕈☟✌❄ ☟✌🏱🏱☜☠☜👎 ✋☠❄⚐ 🕈⚐☼👎💧📬" (THEN YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF CERTAIN THINGS. AT ONE POINT, I REMIND YOU THAT THE BOTH OF YOU WERE HIGHLY INEBRIATED, AND WELL...UM...I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE IF I'M ABLE TO PUT WHAT HAPPENED INTO WORDS.)

"Dude, don't hold out on me now."

He thinks for a moment. I take it whatever this secret is that it really is something that's out of his comfort zone. I mean, it does involve Sans and that's his brother, so I can understand the hesitation. This moment of hard thinking comes to an end shortly once he has an idea.

"🏱☜☼☟✌🏱💧 ✋❄ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 👌☜ 💧✋💣🏱☹☜☼ ❄⚐ 💧☟⚐🕈 ✡⚐🕆 ☼✌❄☟☜☼ ❄☟✌☠ ❄☜☹☹📬" (PERHAPS IT WOULD BE SIMPLER TO SHOW YOU RATHER THAN TELL.)

I am puzzled by this as he brings his left hand up to my face. Suddenly, the hole in his palm swirls with magic before clearing and images appear inside. The scene of me and Sans in his room. We're on his bed and he's laying on top of me, but not in a pervy way, as I trail his spine with my fingers. Suddenly I freeze up and he rolls off of me, laughing as he teleports then returns with a mustard bottle.

"now this is funny. you're so messed up you actually crashed. i haven't seen someone crashed in ages."

He plops down sleepily beside me, already guzzling the bottle.

"i guess this means i win our little game. because this is the last one and i ain't getting any more."

[Rebooting...100% complete.]

[Restarting...now.]

I blink rapidly as life returns to my brain.

"Whoa...Dude...That was trippy as hell."

He snickers.

"just be glad it happened here and not out in town. crashing in public around the wrong people has lead to a lot of easy kills. or so i've been told."

"Wait, so that's a normal thing that happens down here?"

"kind of. like i said, it's been a while since i've seen it happen."

"Then what causes it?"

"no one knows. my guess is that it happens when something clashes with what the person is used to."

He's about to finish off that last bottle when I put my hand out.

"what?"

"Can I have some?"

"no way. this is mine."

"I just want one sip."

"i said no."

"Please? I'll take the remains. I just want something to wet my whistle."

He snorts.

"what are ya? some old-timer in a saloon?"

"What do I need to do to get a sip?"

He pauses for thought.

"well...nah. you'd never do that."

"What?"

He looks at me, then the bottle, and then back to me with a smirk slowly forming.

"how bad do you want some of this?"

I look at him funny.

"don't give me that look. i ain't no perv. i only mean to offer you a dare."

"...I'm listening."

That smirk of his grows.

"i'll let ya have the rest of the bottle, if...you can keep from laughing at one last little joke."

"...That's it?"

"that's it."

"Okay...What's the joke?"

"heh...what do you call a skeleton with benefits?"

I tilt my head and shrug.

"I dunno."

He motions me to lean in closer and doing so lets him whisper in my ear rather huskily.

"a bone buddy~."

I almost giggle but don't. Probably because of the weird 'what the fuck' feeling his tone gave me or the suggestive wink he gives me when he pulls away. Just when I'm about to say something, he starts to snicker and slaps his knee.

"heheheh...oh man...you should see your face right now. oooooh, that was so worth it. here. it's yours."

He hands me the bottle. I just look at him and then the bottle before looking back at him.

"what?"

"Gonna be honest here...I...I can't tell if you were really joking."

He grins like a saucy Cheshire cat.

"maybe i did. or maybe i didn't. the world may never know, kitten. now are ya gonna drink or not?"

This is a weird moment. Yet a rare one. And I look unsure of anything else other than drink.

"Don't make this weird, Sans."

I take the bottle and drink.

"weird? this ain't weird. wanna see something really weird?"

"...You have my attention, good sir."

I eye him funny as sits up and turns his back to me. With no warning he yanks his shorts down, underwear included, and I get a full moon view of his pelvis. This has me dropping the bottle is sheer shock before snickering.

"Oh my god...Is that your coccyx? It's like a little tail! *giggles* That's fucking adorable."

"heh...that ain't even the best part. check this out."

He actually is able to wiggle it and I lose my mind, gripping my sides in laughter.

"Stop...*laughs* That's too...that's too fucking cute!"

He pulls his shorts back up and turns to me with a playful smirk.

"don't lie. ya liked looking at my cute ass."

I settle down enough to breathe properly.

"Dude, you are a cute ass."

He moves closer and removes his shirt.

"how about now? am i still a cute ass?"

I merely smile.

"Now? Now you're just eye candy, sugar bones."

"yeah? ya like what you see, kitten?"

I'm amused by this, as noted by my smirk and coyish way of retrieving the mustard bottle to finish it off completely.

"I can't say that I don't. That's some fine bone structure you got there. Mmmhmm."

He moves in closer as I chuck the empty bottle among the scattered dozen on the floor.

"ya know...you can touch me if you want."

"Yeah?"

"yeah. and who knows..."

He puts a hand on my arm and starts to rub it in a slow yet tender way before having it move up my shoulder then neck to finally rest its caress upon my cheek.

"maybe something more...fun...will happen."

I smirk.

"That's a rather naughty suggestion, bone boy."

"maybe i'm just in a naughty mood."

I nuzzle his hand.

"And here I thought you didn't like me."

He presses his forehead to my own. His eyes hold a hazy look to them.

"i might like you more if you use those soft hands of yours to bone up on more of my anatomy. starting right..."

He takes my free hand and puts it on his manubrium.

"here~."

"Hmmm...Gimme a sec, things are fuzzy, but I'll try."

My thumb grazes the bone above.

"This is the clavicle...The crown that mounts these lovely ten ribs and their two floaty ones."

My fingers scroll down the full length of the center of his chest.

"Under the manubrium is the angle, then the body, and ends in the xiphoid process. And that makes up this beautiful bundle we call the sternum."

I kiss his manubrium and he shudders.

"*groan* fuck..."

I glace at him funny.

"Sans?"

It happens so fast. His mouth is on mine...and I'm not pulling away. After a few seconds, he pauses the kiss. His hazy eyes stare into my befuddled orbs. Not getting any reaction, negative wise at least, he leans in and starts the kiss again. It seems fairly tame at first, his hands slowly feel up my neck and cup my cheeks. But then it gets more heated, he grabs a fistful of hair in the back of my head and growls lowly. I break the kiss in a whimper.

"what's wrong?"

"*wince* Too tight."

Surprisingly, he eases his grip.

"don't be afraid to tell me if i get too rough."

He presses his skull to my forehead.

"you okay with this? what i'm doin' and all?"

I shrug.

"I guess."

"good...good...*sigh* i don't wanna hurt ya. i want ya to like it."

His hand in my hair begins kneading my scalp, making me purr and him smile.

"i want ya to feel good. like...like how ya make me feel."

I grin like a doofus.

"I make you feel good? Awww...You flatterer."

He smirks.

"ya know how you wanted me to feel better? well...i need your help doin' that."

"You do?"

"yeah."

"But what about..."

"shhhhh..."

He nuzzles his way to my ear.

"trust me, we're gonna have a great time~. ya do trust me...don'tcha, lynsie?"

I shiver in his hold as he leaves little kisses along my jaw.

"I do."

He doesn't waste time after that, pushing me over and pinning me beneath him, captured by his relentless affection. Hungry kisses, gripping fingers that claw, and all done without a single care.

"mmmmmm...purr for me, kitten~...i wanna hear how much you're lovin' it~."

"*moan* Sans~..."

The sounds, raw yet sweet. It's so strange. He's more active in this moment than anyone sees him move in a week. Between the lavished kissing, his hands exploring thin skin to feel bone, and his legs trying comfortably keep me pinned, he's putting way more effort than me. For what little I do, my hands timidly try to find a place to hold him but linger only for fleeting moments since the contact made has him groaning. Though as more time passes, some sounds get louder than others and movement grinds to a halt. A more normal sound is heard admixed his pleasure. Snoring. Sans hears it too and stops his fooling around. It appears as though I passed out. Either from the alcohol or overwhelming heat of the moment, who knows. His figurative toy's batteries now in recharge mode, he calls it quits on anymore fun.

"heh heh...not bad, lightweight. lasted longer than i thought. was hoping for more but..."

Not about to pass up a new bed accessory, Sans makes himself cozy on my chest and nuzzle my boobs.

"this works too. *coo* ya really do make a good pillow~."

His sockets close and he yawns into a sigh, time for his own sleep.

Gaster pulls his hand away and I am blushing the same level of red as his sweater's collar.

"And that...That legit happened? For really real? This isn't some fucked up mind manipulative magic to make me see shit...right?"

He sighs.

"✋ 👎✋👎 🕈✌☼☠ ✡⚐🕆📬 👌🕆❄ 👎⚐ ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼ ❄☟✌❄ 👌⚐❄☟ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆 🕈☜☼☜☠🕯❄ ✋☠ ❄☟☜ 💧⚐🕆☠👎☜💧❄ ⚐☞ 💣✋☠👎💧☜❄💧📬" (I DID WARN YOU. BUT DO REMEMBER THAT BOTH OF YOU WEREN'T IN THE SOUNDEST OF MINDSETS.)

Things start to click in my head...and not in a good way. Why? Why didn't I fight that? What about Grillby? Where was he in my mind during all this?! The fuck is wrong with me?! And Sans...Sans!

"That son of a bitch!"

My snap is so sudden that it actually makes Gaster jump slightly.

"He gets all up in my ass over even the smallest hint of Grillby and me being a thing, then does this bullshit? Fuck that! I am so giving him a piece of my mind!"

"👌☜☞⚐☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 👎⚐📪 ✋❄ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 🏱☼⚐👌✌👌☹✡ ☟☜☹🏱 ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈 ❄☟✌❄ ☟☜ 👎⚐☜💧☠🕯❄ ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼ ❄☟☜ ☜✞☜☠❄💧 ⚐☞ ❄☟✌❄ ☠✋☝☟❄ ☜✋❄☟☜☼📬" (BEFORE YOU DO, IT WOULD PROBABLY HELP TO KNOW THAT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE EVENTS OF THAT NIGHT EITHER.)

I fume.

"Oh well, that's just great. That's fucking fantastic! So he gets to be normal and not have a damn clue, all while I get to walk around knowing he came on to me, but I can't say a god damn...thing...oh...oh shit!"

Slowly that starts to sink in and when it does, it's not pretty.

"☟🕆💣✌☠✍" (HUMAN?)

"Oh my god!"

"🏱☹☜✌💧☜ 👍✌☹💣 👎⚐☠🕈📬" (PLEASE CALM DONW.)

"Calm down?! Your brother was doing stuff to me, and most likely, wanted to fuck me! I mean, that's fucked up considering a lot of our history has been him wanting me to leave him the hell alone. How does that even work?"

"🕈☜☹☹📬📬📬" (WELL...)

"No, I mean, for real, how would that even be possible between us? I saw his ass. Granted, it is very adorable, as drunk me put it. But he doesn't have...you know...stuff down there. Does he?"

"❄☟✌❄🕯💧 ☠⚐❄ ☟⚐🕈 💧😐☜☹☜❄⚐☠💧📪 ❄⚐ 🏱🕆❄ ✋❄ ✋☠ ✡⚐🕆☼ 🕈⚐☼👎💧📬📬📬☞🕆👍😐📬" (THAT'S NOT HOW SKELETONS, TO PUT IT IN YOUR WORDS...FUCK.)

"It's not?"

"☠⚐📬" (NO.)

"Huh...So there's no chance of there being a dick there but made of bones? Because there are creatures with bones in their penises."

"☞⚐☼ ❄☟☜ ☹⚐✞☜ ⚐☞ ☝⚐👎📪 💧❄⚐🏱 ☼✋☝☟❄ ☠⚐🕈 👌☜☞⚐☼☜ ✌☠⚐❄☟☜☼ 💧✋👍😐 🕈⚐☼👎 👍⚐💣☜💧 ⚐🕆❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💣⚐🕆❄☟✏" (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP RIGHT NOW BEFORE ANOTHER SICK WORD COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!)

I don't think I could've imagined a time in my life where I'd see Gaster as flustered as he is now. His skull is glowing as bright as a roman candle and his eyes, while giving me that "what the fuck is wrong with you" look, are wide with embarrassment. Needless to say, I'm surprised but I get why he's upset.

"Okay, calm down, doctor. I meant no disrespect. As we are ones with curious minds, do forgive me for thinking unorthodox thoughts when it comes to you and your siblings' anatomy. I know not how you function and my lack of understanding tends to let my imagination fill in the gaps. Please, accept my humblest of apologies."

I bow my head in forgiveness and that seems to settle him a little bit.

"✋❄📬📬📬✋❄🕯💧 ☞✋☠☜📬 ✡⚐🕆 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✌☠👎 ✋ 👍✌☠🕯❄ ☜✠🏱☜👍❄ ✡⚐🕆 ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈 ☜✞☜☼✡❄☟✋☠☝📬 ☺🕆💧❄ 👎⚐ ❄☼✡ ❄⚐ ❄☟✋☠😐 ☞✋☼💧❄ 👌☜☞⚐☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧🏱☜✌😐 🕈☟☜☠ ✋❄ 👍⚐💣☜💧 ❄⚐ 💧🕆👌☺☜👍❄💧 ☹✋😐☜ ❄☟✋💧📬" (IT...IT'S FINE. YOU DON'T KNOW AND I CAN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW EVERYTHING. JUST DO TRY TO THINK FIRST BEFORE YOU SPEAK WHEN IT COMES TO SUBJECTS LIKE THIS.)

"Yes, sir."

He moves as if he aims to take a seat, but there is nothing here aside from us. Yet to further ruin my understanding of how things work, he's sitting as if he's on a chair. So many things in my brain break from this and I hate it.

"☺🕆👎☝✋☠☝ ☞☼⚐💣 ✌☹☹ ❄☟✋💧📪 ✋ 💧☜☜ ❄⚐☼✋☜☹ ☟✌💧 ☹☜☞❄ ⚐🕆❄ ☜✞☜☠ 💣⚐☼☜ ✋☠☞⚐☼💣✌❄✋⚐☠ ❄☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 💣✌✡ ⚐☼ 💣✌✡ ☠⚐❄ ☠☜☜👎 ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈 👌🕆❄ 💧☟⚐🕆☹👎 💧❄✋☹☹ 👌☜ ✌🕈✌☼☜ ⚐☞📬" (JUDGING FROM ALL THIS, I SEE TORIEL HAS LEFT OUT EVEN MORE INFORMATION THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT NEED TO KNOW BUT SHOULD STILL BE AWARE OF.)

"Yeah, she tends to do that."

I plop down on the floor. No way I have the power to sit in nonresistant chairs.

"✞☜☼✡ 🕈☜☹☹📬 ✋ 💧☟✌☹☹ ❄☜☹☹ ✡⚐🕆 ⚐☞ ❄☟✋💧 💧⚐☹☜☹✡ 💧⚐ ❄☟✌❄ 👍✌☠ ✌✞⚐✋👎 ☜☠👍⚐🕆☠❄☜☼✋☠☝ 💧🕆👍☟ 👌☜☟✌✞✋⚐☼ ✋☠ ❄☟☜ ☞🕆❄🕆☼☜📬 ☹☜💧💧 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☠👎 💧✌☠💧 ☝☜❄ ✋☠❄⚐ ✌☠⚐❄☟☜☼ ☼⚐🕆☠👎 ⚐☞ 👎☼⚐🕈☠✋☠☝ ✡⚐🕆☼💧☜☹✞☜💧 ✋☠ 👍⚐☠❄✌💣✋☠✌❄☜👎 👍⚐☠👎✋💣☜☠❄💧📬" (VERY WELL. I SHALL TELL YOU OF THIS SOLELY SO THAT CAN AVOID ENCOUNTERING SUCH BEHAVIOR IN THE FUTURE. LESS YOU AND SANS GET INTO ANOTHER ROUND OF DROWNING YOURSELVES IN CONTAMINATED CONDIMENTS.)

"Which surely won't happen again for any discernible reason whatsoever."

He sighs to himself, probably regretting this whole conversation more than he thought he would.

"✌☠✡🕈✌✡📬📬📬🕈☟☜☠ ✋❄ 👍⚐💣☜💧 ❄⚐ ❄☟☜ 🏱☟✡💧✋👍✌☹ ☠✌❄🕆☼☜ ⚐☞ 🕆💧 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼💧📪 ❄☟☜☼☜ ✌☼☜ ❄🕈⚐ ☝☼⚐🕆🏱💧 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼ ☞✌☹☹💧 ✋☠❄⚐📬 ❄☼✌👎✋❄✋⚐☠✌☹ ✌☠👎 ☠⚐☠❄☼✌👎✋❄✋⚐☠✌☹ ☞⚐☼💣💧📬 ❄☼✌👎✋❄✋⚐☠✌☹ ☞⚐☼💣☜👎 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼💧 ☟✌✞☜ 👌⚐👎✋☹✡ ✌☠✌❄⚐💣✡ 💧✋💣✋☹✌☼ ❄⚐ 🕈☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 💣✋☝☟❄ 👌☜ 🕆����☜👎 ❄⚐ ⚐☠ ❄☟☜ 💧🕆☼☞✌👍☜📬 ❄☟☜✡ ☟✌✞☜ 👍⚐🏱🕆☹✌❄✋✞☜ ☼☜☹✌❄✋⚐☠💧 🕈✋❄☟ ⚐☼☝✌☠✋👍 🏱✌☼❄💧📬" (ANYWAY...WHEN IT COMES TO THE PHYSICAL NATURE OF US MONSTERS, THERE ARE TWO GROUPS MONSTER FALLS INTO. TRADITIONAL AND NONTRADITIONAL FORMS. TRADITIONAL FORMED MONSTERS HAVE BODILY ANATOMY SIMILAR TO WHAT YOU MIGHT BE USED TO ON THE SURFACE. THEY HAVE COPULATIVE RELATIONS WITH ORGANIC PARTS.)

"Makes sense so far."

"☠⚐☠❄☼✌👎✋❄✋⚐☠✌☹ ☞⚐☼💣☜👎 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼💧📪 💧🕆👍☟ ✌💧 💣✡ 😐✋☠👎 ✌☠👎 ⚐❄☟☜☼💧 ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ 💧☜☜☠📪 ⚐🕆☼ 👌⚐👎✋☜💧 ❄☜☠👎 ❄⚐ ☹✌👍😐 ❄☟☜ 🏱☟✡💧✋⚐☹⚐☝✡ ❄☟✌❄ ❄☼✌👎✋❄✋⚐☠✌☹ ☞⚐☼💣☜👎 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼💧 🏱⚐💧💧☜💧💧📬 ❄☟✋💧 💣✌😐☜💧 ☼☜☹✌❄✋⚐☠💧 💧🕆👍☟ ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ⚐☞ 💣⚐💧❄☹✡ ✋💣🏱⚐💧💧✋👌☹☜📪 👌🕆❄ ☠⚐❄ ✋💣🏱☼⚐👌✌👌☹☜📬 ❄☟🕆💧📪 ⚐🕆☼ ❄✡🏱☜ ☟✌💧 ☜✞⚐☹✞☜👎 ❄⚐ ☼☜🏱☼⚐👎🕆👍☜ ✋☠ ✌ 👎✋☞☞☜☼☜☠❄ 💣✌☠☠☜☼📬" (NONTRADITIONAL FORMED MONSTERS, SUCH AS MY KIND AND OTHERS YOU HAVE SEEN, OUR BODIES TEND TO LACK THE PHYSIOLOGY THAT TRADITIONAL FORMED MONSTERS POSSESS. THIS MAKES RELATIONS SUCH AS YOU KNOW OF MOSTLY IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOT IMPROBABLE. THUS, OUR TYPE HAS EVOLVED TO REPRODUCE IN A DIFFERENT MANNER.)

He frames his hands over his chest and a faint outline of an upside down heart appears, yet something isn't quite right about it...It's hollow.

"💧⚐🕆☹💧 ✌☼☜ ✌ 💣✌☼✞☜☹⚐🕆💧 ❄☟✋☠☝📬 ❄☟☜ 👍⚐☼☜ ⚐☞ ✌☹☹ ☹✋☞☜📬 ✌☠👎 ✌💧 💧🕆👍☟📬📬📬❄☟☜✡ ✌☼☜ 👍✌🏱✌👌☹☜ ⚐☞ ☝☼✌☠❄✋☠☝ ☠☜🕈 ☹✋☞☜ ✌💧 🕈☜☹☹📬" (SOULS ARE A MARVELOUS THING. THE CORE OF ALL LIFE. AND AS SUCH...THEY ARE CAPABLE OF GRANTING NEW LIFE AS WELL.)

The gears grind in my head.

"Wait. So what you're telling me is, and excuse my bluntness...You have sex with your souls?"

"✋☠ ☹✌✡💣✌☠🕯💧 ❄☜☼💣💧📬📬📬✡☜💧📬" (IN LAYMAN'S TERMS...YES.)

I scratch my head in puzzlement as he allows his strange soul to return to him.

"...I have so many questions now."

"💧🕆👍☟ ✌💧✍" (SUCH AS?)

My mind blanks, I didn't really expect him to be willing to answer.

"Um...uh...This soul thing...Is it just limited to your type or are the other monsters able to do it?"

"✋❄ 🕈⚐☼😐💧 ☞⚐☼ ☜✞☜☼✡ 👌☜✋☠☝ 🕈✋❄☟ ✌ 💧⚐🕆☹📬 ☜✞☜☠ ☟🕆💣✌☠💧📬 👌🕆❄ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌☠ ✌👍❄ ☟✌💧 ☠⚐❄ 👌☜☜☠ 👎⚐👍🕆💣☜☠❄☜👎 ✌💧 ☞✌☼ ✌💧 ✋ 😐☠⚐🕈📬 ✌☠👎 ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ 💧☟✌☼☜👎📪 ☟🕆💣✌☠💧 ☹✌👍😐 💣✌☝✋👍 ✌☠👎 ❄☟☜ 🕆💧☜ ⚐☞ ❄☟☜✋☼ 💧⚐🕆☹💧📬 💧⚐ ❄☟✋💧 ☞⚐☼💣 ⚐☞ ✋☠❄✋💣✌👍✡ ✋💧 ☹⚐💧❄ ❄⚐ ✡⚐🕆☼ 😐✋☠👎📬" (IT WORKS FOR EVERY BEING WITH A SOUL. EVEN HUMANS. BUT SUCH AN ACT HAS NOT BEEN DOCUMENTED AS FAR AS I KNOW. AND AS YOU HAVE SHARED, HUMANS LACK MAGIC AND THE USE OF THEIR SOULS. SO THIS FORM OF INTIMACY IS LOST TO YOUR KIND.)

I rub my face and drag my hands down slowly.

"*annoyed groan* So this whole time...Not only am I carrying around a ticking time bomb that can make me kill people...Not only is it now going through some messed up hormone crap...Not only is it the most wanted thing in the entire Underground...But it's also a reproductive organ? What the actual fuck?!"

He smirks and rests his chin on his knuckles in amusement. This sitting trick he's doing is amazing.

"✡⚐🕆 ☠☜✞☜☼ 👍☜✌💧☜ ❄⚐ 🏱☼⚐✞✋👎☜ 💣☜ 🕈✋❄☟ ☜☠❄☜☼❄✌✋☠💣☜☠❄📬 ❄☟☜ 🕈✌✡ ✡⚐🕆 👎✋💧🏱☹✌✡ ✡⚐🕆☼ ☜💣⚐❄✋⚐☠💧 ✋💧 🏱☼✋👍☜☹☜💧💧📬" (YOU NEVER CEASE TO PROVIDE ME WITH ENTERTAINMENT. THE WAY YOU DISPLAY YOUR EMOTIONS IS PRICELESS.)

What? So...Was he just fucking with me this whole time? I glare weakly.

"Don't tease me with shit like this."

"☟☜☟ ☟☜☟📬📬📬✋☞ ⚐☠☹✡ ✋❄ 🕈✌💧 ✌ ❄☜✌💧☜📬 🕈☟✌❄ ✋🕯✞☜ ❄⚐☹👎 ✡⚐🕆 ✋💧 ❄☟☜ ❄☼🕆❄☟📬 🕈☟☜❄☟☜☼ ✡⚐🕆 👍☟⚐⚐💧☜ ❄⚐ 👌☜☹✋☜✞☜ ✋❄ ⚐☼ ☠⚐❄ ✋💧 🕆🏱 ❄⚐ ✡⚐🕆📬" (HEH HEH...IF ONLY IT WAS A TEASE. WHAT I'VE TOLD YOU IS THE TRUTH. WHETHER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT OR NOT IS UP TO YOU.)

I groan loudly and fall back, laying flat under the weight of weird information that is fucked up.

"What is my life anymore? Things were so much simpler when I was dead inside and I'd stay in my room for so long that everyone would forget I was even home. Souls were just metaphysical concepts of intangible thought and not actual things that can be seen or touched. *groan* Do you wanna know something funny?"

"💧🕆☼☜📬" (SURE.)

"Sometimes I still wonder if they've noticed I'm gone or not. I doubt it. But it would be funny for them to finally notice now. To finally remember that I was fucking there!"

My chest hurts and I feel old darkness creeping back from the depths of my being. Gaster's amusement dies there. His features going emotionless with familiarity.

"Mind if I do something weird? I've bummed myself out and need to feel better."

"👎⚐ 🕈☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 ☠☜☜👎 ❄⚐📬 ✋❄ 🕈⚐☠🕯❄ 👌⚐❄☟☜☼ 💣☜📬" (DO WHAT YOU NEED TO. IT WON'T BOTHER ME.)

I shut my eyes and think for a moment. Soon my fingers begin to tap on the floor in the vague tune of Simon & Garfunkel's song "The Sound of Silence".

"♪Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping. Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain...Still remains. Within the sound of silence.♫"

I don't know what it is about music, but it helps me. In my darkest days, I'd lay in my lightless room and just listen to the radio till I fell asleep. Letting my mind wander and create all sorts of fantasies to escape to rather than sink in despair. And since my iPod isn't here, singing is the backup alternative.

"♪In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone. 'Neath the halo of a street lamp. I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light...That split the night. And touched the sound of silence.♫"

Gaster stands up and I can hear him moving over to me.

"♪And in the naked light I saw. Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening. People writing songs that voices never share...No one dared. Disturb the sound of silence.♫"

He comes to stand over me now. I open my eyes and find my vision swimming. He just stares down at me with his hand behind his back. I simply continue my short song.

"♪'Fools' said I, 'You do not know. Silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arms that I might reach you'. But my words like silent raindrops fell...And echoed in the wells of silence.♫"

He nods softly and offers a hand to me. I eye him and sigh through my nose before taking his hand, letting him help me off the floor.

"♪And the people bowed and prayed. To the neon god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning. In the words that it was forming. And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls...And tenement halls'. And whispered in the sounds of silence...♫"

"💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 💧⚐💣👌☜☼ 💧⚐☠☝📬" (SUCH A SOMBER SONG.)

"And yet, it makes me feel better when I'm feeling blue."

"✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✌ ✈🕆✋☼😐✡ ☝✋☼☹📬 👌🕆❄ ✋❄ 💣✌😐☜💧 ✡⚐🕆 🕆☠✋✈🕆☜📬 ✋❄🕯💧📬📬📬☼☜☞☼☜💧☟✋☠☝📬" (YOU ARE A QUIRKY GIRL. BUT IT MAKES YOU UNIQUE. IT'S...REFRESHING.)

I smile shyly.

"Thanks."

I notice I'm still holding his hand and instinct tells me to let go...but I don't. It feels too good to have living contact after feeling bad. If it bothers him at all he doesn't say a word. We just stand there. This odd sense of tranquility slowly comes to me. It's...It's nice. Too bad my brain always ruins good things.

"Gaster..."

"☟💣💣💣✍✆" (HMMM?)

"Forgive me if this is too personal. But...Can I ask what happened to your soul?"

The feel in the room chills. His grip on my hand suddenly tightens. I regret speaking.

"Gaster?"

He doesn't say a word but his grip gets painfully harsh. The bones in my hand squeeze uncomfortably.

"Gaster, stop. You're hurting me."

He pauses, his grip loosening slightly. I try to take my hand back and this proves to be a terrible move. The moment he feels this movement I'm hurled across the room and pinned to the wall by dozens of hands. The wind is then knocked out of my lungs by the force of his real hand slamming into my chest and forcing my rainbow swirl of a soul out through his palm as I snarl meekly.

"✡⚐🕆 🕈✌☠❄ ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✌👌⚐🕆❄ 💣✡ 💧⚐🕆☹✍ ✋💧 ❄☟✌❄ ✌ ❄☼🕆☜ ✈🕆☜💧❄✋⚐☠ ☞☼⚐💣 ✡⚐🕆📬📬📬⚐☼ 👍☟✌☼✌✍" (YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY SOUL? IS THAT A TRUE QUESTION FROM YOU...OR CHARA?)

"I told you, Chara doesn't know about this."

"☟☜ ☟✌💧☠🕯❄ 👌☜☜☠ 💧🏱☜✌😐✋☠☝ 🕈✋❄☟ ✡⚐🕆 ✌💧 ⚐☞❄☜☠ ✌💧 ☟☜ 🕆💧☜👎 ❄⚐📪 ☟✌💧 ☟☜✍ 👎⚐ ☠⚐❄ ☹✋☜ ❄⚐ 💣☜📬" (HE HASN'T BEEN SPEAKING WITH YOU AS OFTEN AS HE USED TO, HAS HE? DO NOT LIE TO ME.)

Now that he mentions it...

"He...He has been quiet for a long time."

"💧👍☟☜💣✋☠☝ 👌☼✌❄ ✋💧 🕆🏱 ❄⚐ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝📬 ☠⚐❄☟✋☠☝ ☝⚐⚐👎 ☜✞☜☼ 👍✌💣☜ ☞☼⚐💣 🕈☟☜☠ ❄☟✌❄ 👍☟✋☹👎 🕈✌💧 💧✋☹☜☠❄📬" (SCHEMING BRAT IS UP TO SOMETHING. NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM WHEN THAT CHILD WAS SILENT.)

This has me worried. I want to trust them both. But this does make a small shadow be cast on Chara for acting shady.

"☜✋❄☟☜☼ 🕈✌✡📪 💣✡ 💧⚐🕆☹ ✋💧 ⚐☞ ☠⚐ 👍⚐☠👍☜☼☠ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼💧📬 ✡⚐🕆 💧☟⚐🕆☹👎 👌☜ 💣⚐☼☜ ✋☠❄☜☼☜💧❄☜👎 ✋☠ ✡⚐🕆☼ ⚐🕈☠📬" (EITHER WAY, MY SOUL IS OF NO CONCERN OF YOURS. YOU SHOULD BE MORE INTERESTED IN YOUR OWN.)

His free hand cups my soul, his fingers flex into it and I wince. This adds a whole new feeling of weird now knowing what other thing my soul is.

"☞✌💧👍✋☠✌❄✋☠☝📪 ✋💧 ✋❄ ☠⚐❄📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜✍ ☟⚐🕈 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ 💧⚐ 💧💣✌☹☹ ☟✌��� 💧⚐ 💣🕆👍☟ 🏱⚐🕈☜☼📬 ☟🕆💣✌☠ 💧⚐🕆☹💧 ☟✌✞☜ ✌☹🕈✌✡💧 👌☜☜☠ 💧❄☼⚐☠☝📪 👌🕆❄ ✡⚐🕆☼💧📬📬📬🕈☜☹☹📬📬📬✋ ❄☟✋☠😐 ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 👌✡ ☠⚐🕈 ❄☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ⚐☠ ☹☜✞☜☹💧 ✋ ☠☜✞☜☼ 👎☼☜✌💣☜👎 ⚐☞ ☞✋☠👎✋☠☝📬" (FASCINATING, IS IT NOT, LITTLE ONE? HOW SOMETHING SO SMALL HAS SO MUCH POWER. HUMAN SOULS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN STRONG, BUT YOURS...WELL...I THINK YOU KNOW BY NOW THAT YOU ARE ON LEVELS I NEVER DREAMED OF FINDING.)

His index finger suddenly plunges into my heart-shaped soul and the roar I let out is a garbled mess of distorted sound.

"✌☠👎 ❄☟✌❄📬📬📬❄☟✌❄ 💧❄☼✌☠☝☜ 👌☜☟✌✞✋⚐☼📬 ✋ 💧🕈☜✌☼ ✋ 🕈✋☹☹ ☞✋☠👎 ⚐🕆❄ ❄☟☜ 👍✌🕆💧☜📬" (AND THAT...THAT STRANGE BEHAVIOR. I SWEAR I WILL FIND OUT THE CAUSE.)

"A͘ŗ͠g̸h̶! ͘͠T͟a̶͜ke̶ ̢҉y͜o͝ur d̷̕a̡̧͠mn̢͟ ̷fi̧͠n̕g̕̕͝e͟r͟ ̷̵͘ò̸ứ͟t͘͠͠!̀͏̡"

I thrash in the grip of his conjured up appendages but it is a futile effort that hurts me more.

"✌☟ ✌☟ ✌☟📬 ❄☟✌❄🕯💧 ☠⚐❄ 🏱✌☼❄ ⚐☞ ❄☟☜ 👎☜✌☹📬 ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼✍ ✡⚐🕆 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 ☝✋✞☜ 💣☜ ☞🕆☹☹ ✌👍👍☜💧💧 ❄⚐ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧⚐🕆☹ 🕈✋❄☟ ☠⚐ 👍⚐💣🏱☹✌✋☠❄💧 ⚐☼ ☼☜💧✋💧❄✌☠👍☜ 💧⚐ ☹⚐☠☝ ✌💧 ✋❄ ☹☜✌👎💧 ❄⚐ ❄☟☜ 👌☜❄❄☜☼ 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎✋☠☝ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧⚐🕆☹📬 ✌☠👎 💧✋☠👍☜ ⚐🕆☼ ☹✌💧❄ ☜✠🏱☜☼✋💣☜☠❄📪 ✋ ☟✌✞☜ ☹☜✌☼☠☜👎 ✌ ☞🕆☠ ✡☜❄ ☟☜☹🏱☞🕆☹ ❄☼✋👍😐📬" (AH AH AH. THAT'S NOT PART OF THE DEAL. REMEMBER? YOU WOULD GIVE ME FULL ACCESS TO YOUR SOUL WITH NO COMPLAINTS OR RESISTANCE SO LONG AS IT LEADS TO THE BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR SOUL. AND SINCE OUR LAST EXPERIMENT, I HAVE LEARNED A FUN YET HELPFUL TRICK.)

His invading digit moves deeper into the heart and the sounds of pain I garble out with are anything but human. Though his actions do seem to have the effect he was alluding to, as the clashing ten colors of my soul abruptly recede to leave only one randomly...it's orange.

"🕈✋❄☟ ☹✋❄❄☹☜ 💣⚐☼☜ ❄☟✌☠ ✌ 💧☹✋☝☟❄ ❄⚐🕆👍☟📪 ✌☠👎 ✌ ☟✋☠❄ ⚐☞ 💣✡ ⚐🕈☠ 💣✌☝✋👍📪 ✡⚐🕆☼ ❄☼✌✋❄💧 👍✌☠ 👌☜ ✌👍❄✋✞✌❄☜👎 ✌💧 ☜✌💧✋☹✡ ✌💧 ⚐☠☜ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 ☞☹✋🏱 ✌ ☹✋☝☟❄ 💧🕈✋❄👍☟📬" (WITH LITTLE MORE THAN A SLIGHT TOUCH, AND A HINT OF MY OWN MAGIC, YOUR TRAITS CAN BE ACTIVATED AS EASILY AS ONE WOULD FLIP A LIGHT SWITCH.)

[You're filled with BRAVERY.]

"G̢et̨ ̀ỳou're̛ fųcki͜ng͘ fíng̷e҉r̷ o̸ùt b͞efo҉re ̕I͜ ̨b́rea͞k̴ ͠i̕t͟ o͟f͏f a̷nd ͞c̷ram̵ it̛ s̀om̧ęwh̷ère̛ n͜ot͝ ̧even̛ go͟d da̴res͢ to͝ ̴see!"

My teeth are bared and I'm snarling like a rabid dog. He merely chuckles.

"☞✌💧👍✋☠✌❄✋☠☝📬 ✋ 🕈⚐☠👎☜☼📬📬📬" (FASCINATING. I WONDER...)

His finger moves and the orange bleeds into another color...purple.

[You're filled with PERSEVERANCE.]

"Th͞i͘s dísp͡la̢y̕ ́in p̨o͏w̨ęr ̨i͜s̵ qu͟i͞t͘e ̸únn̷e͡ces̷saŕy̶. Yóu k͢now ͜Í'̷m͠ n͝o̵t͏ ́i͜n ͞an͡y pos͏i͜t̡i̷o͘n to̧ stơp y̶o̵u. ̴S͜ǫ i͝f̷ ͜you c̶a͠n s͏t̕óp̀ s̛trơk̢in͡g ͢your e̡gó ̕a͘n͜d́ g͘et ́t͢o ͘the ̵pơi͘nt́ ͜o̵f̕ ́t̵his cl̶e̡çhé͘ s͡how of ̢yòurs,̷ ̵m͏ay̨b̢e̕ ̶w͠e̡ ca̡n ̧aćt̀u͏a͡ll͟y d̸o̢ s͜om͢ethin͘g ̢ţha͜t va͠gu͏ely ̢r͠esem͟bl͢e͝s ͏pro͘g͟re̷ss."

That seems to get to him for a moment before his eyes narrow a bit.

"💧⚐ 💣✡ ❄☟☜⚐☼✡ ✋💧 👍⚐☼☼☜👍❄📬 ☜✌👍☟ ❄☼✌✋❄ 👎⚐☜💧 👍⚐✋☠👍✋👎☜ 🕈✋❄☟ ✌ 🏱✌☼❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼ 🏱☜☼💧⚐☠✌☹✋❄✡📬 ❄☟✋💧 ⚐☠☜ ✋💧 ☼✌❄☟☜☼ 🏱⚐💣🏱🕆💧 ✋☠ 💣✡ ⚐🏱✋☠✋⚐☠📬" (SO MY THEORY IS CORRECT. EACH TRAIT DOES COINCIDE WITH A PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY. THIS ONE IS RATHER POMPUS IN MY OPINION.)

"I͠t̀ ͠t̵ąkes ̴on͜ę t̨o ͞kn҉ow ̨on̷ȩ.͘"

He glares and another rough internal flick has my soul change color once more...green.

[You're filled with KINDNESS.]

"I'm̴ ҉s̢orr̶y. I'̕m͡ ̴b͢ei͡ng̡ ne͏e̛d̷l̀e̛ssl͜y҉ m̢ea͞n͞. ̵I k̛now̛ ͜yo̵u͜'̀re̢ ju͟st ̶tr͝y͟ing ţo ̵hel̀p̛.͞ B͘u̧t th̷e pa̡i̡n͟ ͏ma͝k̀es ̧me͡ ͜cr͝a̷n̶ky͡. Ýo͜u'͢re̸ not mad͏ ̵at ̡me,̵ are̴ ̶y͞o͟u?"

A look comes to his face that I'm not quite sure of.

"📬📬📬☟⚐🕈 👎⚐ ✋ ☝☜❄ ❄☟✋💧 ❄⚐ 👌☜ ✡⚐🕆☼ 👎☜☞✌🕆☹❄ 💧❄✌❄☜✍" (...HOW DO I GET THIS TO BE YOUR DEFAULT STATE?)

I stick my tongue out at him childishly.

"✋ ✌☹💣⚐💧❄ 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 🕈✌☠❄ ❄⚐ 😐☜☜🏱 ☝⚐✋☠☝📬 ❄☟✋💧 🏱✌☼❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆 ✋💧 ❄☟☜ 👍☹⚐💧☜💧❄ ❄☟✋☠☝ ❄⚐ ✌👎⚐☼✌👌☹☜ ✋ ☟✌✞☜ 👌☜☜☠ ✌👌☹☜ ❄⚐ 🕈✋❄☠☜💧💧📬" (I ALMOST DON'T WANT TO KEEP GOING. THIS PART OF YOU IS THE CLOSEST THING TO ADORABLE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WITNESS.)

However, he adds a second finger into my soul and for the first time in my life I scream.

"💧✌👎☹✡📪 ❄⚐ 💧❄⚐🏱 ☠⚐🕈 🕈⚐🕆☹👎☠🕯❄ ✌☹☹⚐🕈 🕆💧 ❄⚐ ❄☜💧❄ ⚐🕆❄ ❄☟☜ 💣⚐☼☜ 👍⚐💣🏱☹☜✠ ❄☼✌✋❄💧 ✡⚐🕆 🏱⚐💧💧☜💧💧📬 👌🕆❄ 🕈☟☜☼☜ ❄⚐ 👌☜☝✋☠✍ ☟💣💣💣📬📬📬✋ 👎⚐ 💧🕆🏱🏱⚐💧☜ 🕈☜ 💧☟⚐🕆☹👎 💧✌✞☜ ❄☟☜ 👌☜💧❄ ☞⚐☼ ☹✌💧❄📬 ✌☞❄☜☼ ✌☹☹📪 ❄☟✌❄ ⚐☠☜ ❄☜☠👎💧 ❄⚐ 👌☜ ✞☜☼✡📬📬📬❄☼⚐🕆👌☹☜💧⚐💣☜📬" (SADLY, TO STOP NOW WOULDN'T ALLOW US TO TEST OUT THE MORE COMPLEX TRAITS YOU POSSESS. BUT WHERE TO BEGIN? HMMM...I DO SUPPOSE WE SHOULD SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST. AFTER ALL, THAT ONE TENDS TO BE VERY...TROUBLESOME.)

He can't possibly be thinking of letting that THING out, is he? He can't really be that crazy. He can't! A twist of those intruding phalanges has every fiber of my being ignites in the fires of unpleasantness as my soul throbs into its next color...pink.

[You're filled with PASSION.]

"❄☟✋💧 🕈✋☹☹ 👌☜ ✋☠❄☜☼☜💧❄✋☠☝📬 🕈☟☜☠☜✞☜☼ ❄☟✋💧 ❄☼✌✋❄ 👍⚐💣☜💧 ❄⚐ ✡⚐🕆📪 ✡⚐🕆 ❄☜☠👎 ❄⚐ 💧❄✋☹☹ 👌☜☟✌✞☜ ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆 ☠⚐☼💣✌☹☹✡ 👎⚐📬 ☠⚐🕈 ✋☠ ✋❄🕯💧 🏱🕆☼☜ 💧❄✌❄☜📪 ✋ 👍✌☠ ⚐☠☹✡ ✋💣✌☝✋☠☜ 🕈☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 💣✋☝☟❄📬📬📬" (THIS WILL BE INTERESTING. WHENEVER THIS TRAIT COMES TO YOU, YOU TEND TO STILL BEHAVE AS YOU NORMALLY DO. NOW IN IT'S PURE STATE, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT YOU MIGHT...)

"Ẁe̸ll̨ h͠ello͝ t҉he͡re͏,̧ doc̨to͞r~."

Perplexion comes to Gaster. My voice holds a rather flirty inflection.

"Wh̢at'̷s͞ wr̕on͡g, ̸G? ҉A͢re̸n̵'̴t ́I͏ s̵t͘ill a̵d̷oráble? ̴O̴r ͞i̸s͠ t͟h̴e̕ s̴in o͜f͜ fi͏nge̵r͢in̷g ͜a̶ lad͢y'͏s ҉so͝u͟l̵ ҉sink̛i̡n̴g̴ i͝n ̛no͝w?̧ ̷M̷mmm̵..̨.s̀ųc̶h̴ a͡ ̨n͠au͘gh̴ty ͢boy y̧ou áre͠~͘.̶"

His hand almost retreats in disgust but even this doesn't sway the man. Though the uncomfortable blush he has is worth the weird feeling this trait gives me.

"✋ ❄☟✋☠😐 ❄☟✋💧 ❄☼✌✋❄ ☟✌💧 👌☜☜☠ 💧☜☜☠ ☹⚐☠☝ ☜☠⚐🕆☝☟📬" (I THINK THIS TRAIT HAS BEEN SEEN LONG ENOUGH.)

"Oh̛ ͝m͜y̴.͝ ̀Is͜ ̛tḩe͞ g҉oo͘d ḑoc͏t͘o͝r͢ dįs͡t̛u҉r͝bed b͘ý l͞įt̷tle͠ ơļ' m̵e?"

"☠⚐📬 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ☞✌☼ ☞☼⚐💣 👎✋💧❄🕆☼👌✋☠☝📬" (NO. YOU ARE FAR FROM DISTURBING.)

"Ģi̷ve me͝ ̴s͠om̷e ̡tim̀e ̷an̡d thèn҉ ̡you͝ ͠c҉a̕n se̵e̡ j͏us̸t͞ h̛o̷w dist̕u͘r͜b͏i҉ņg I͟ ̷c̨a͝n ̨be~.́"

I lick my lips hungrily and he flinches, making me snicker.

"R̵ęl̷a̸x, G.͝ ́I͞ ̸d͞on'͝t bit̴e̡...͡unl҉esş y̴ou ͢w͠ánt m̨e͏ t͢o͏~?"

"☠⚐🏱☜📬" (NOPE.)

His fingers shift and I convulse in the grip of his hands.

"☠⚐ 💣⚐☼☜ ⚐☞ ❄☟✋💧 ☝✌💣☜📬 ✋❄🕯💧 ❄✋💣☜ ❄⚐ 💧❄🕆👎✡ ❄☟✋💧 ☼☜☹☜☠❄☹☜💧💧 ❄☼✌✋❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼💧 ✌☠👎 💧☜☜ ☺🕆💧❄ ☟⚐🕈 👎☜✌👎☹✡ ✋❄ ☼☜✌☹☹✡ ✋💧📬" (NO MORE OF THIS GAME. IT'S TIME TO STUDY THIS RELENTLESS TRAIT OF YOURS AND SEE JUST HOW DEADLY IT REALLY IS.)

No! He can't! Sure, I doubt that THING can hurt him and this room might be the safest place for that THING to be let free in. But this isn't the world where my body is. I don't know if unleashing the Black Soul in the Void makes it stay here and not affect my body in the waking world. I can't risk it. I can't!

[You're filled with DETERMINATION.]

"S̀t҉o̶p!́ Y̧o҉u̴ ͟c̨aņ'͡t ̷d͝o̢ t̨hi͘s̷!̷"

"✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✋☠ ☠⚐ 🏱⚐💧✋❄✋⚐☠ ❄⚐ 👎☜☞✡ 💣☜ ⚐☼ 👎☜☠✡ 🕈☟✌❄ ✋ 🕈✌☠❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆📬" (YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO DEFY ME OR DENY WHAT I WANT OF YOU.)

"Y̷ou̧ ̶d̵on't ͢kno̶w ҉w͏h́a͢t y̧ou͘'҉r̛é deal̛in͢g͠ with̀.҉"

"❄☟✌❄ ✋💧 🏱☼☜👍✋💧☜☹✡ 🕈☟✡ ✋🕯💣 👎⚐✋☠☝ ❄☟✋💧📬" (THAT IS PRECISELY WHY I'M DOING THIS.)

"D́a͜mn it̕, ́G͞a͘s̶t͝er, ́don't̨ b̢e͏ so͏ ͜s̢tu̴píd!"

The sadly familiar sting of a hand colliding with my face is felt and with it my resolve wanes.

"✡⚐🕆 ✋☠💧✋☝☠✋☞✋👍✌☠❄ 🕈⚐☼💣✏ 👎⚐ ✡⚐🕆 🕈✌☠❄ 💣☜ ❄⚐ 😐✋☹☹ ✡⚐🕆✍ 👎⚐☠🕯❄ ❄☟✋☠😐 ☞⚐☼ ✌ 💣⚐💣☜☠❄ ❄☟✌❄ ✋ 🕈⚐☠🕯❄📬 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ☠⚐❄☟✋☠☝ 💣⚐☼☜ ❄☟✌☠ ✌ ☝☹✋❄👍☟📬 ✌☠ ✌💣⚐☠✌☹✋🕆💧 ☞☼☜✌😐 ✋☠ ❄☟☜ ❄✋💣☜☹✋☠☜📬 ☠⚐❄☟✋☠☝ ✡⚐🕆 👎⚐ 💣✌❄❄☜☼💧 ✌☠👎 ✡⚐🕆��� ☹✋☞☜ ✋💧 🕆❄❄☜☼☹✡ 💣☜✌☠✋☠☝☹☜💧💧📬 💧⚐ ☞⚐☼ ⚐☠👍☜ ✋☠ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧✌👎 ☜✠✋💧❄☜☠👍☜ 👎⚐ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ 🕆💧☜☞🕆☹ ✌☠👎 ☹☜❄ 💣☜ 🕈⚐☼😐✏" (YOU INSIGNIFICANT WORM! DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU? DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT I WON'T. YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A GLITCH. AN AMONALIUS FREAK IN THE TIMELINE. NOTHING YOU DO MATTERS AND YOUR LIFE IS UTTERLY MEANINGLESS. SO FOR ONCE IN YOUR SAD EXISTENCE DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND LET ME WORK!)

His words hurt me. Cutting deeper than I'd care to admit. As a result, the brightness in my soul begins to darken.

[You're starting losing HOPE.]

"Yo͝u̸..͟.You d��on't ̛mean͏ t̶hat.͢ Yo͟u̶'r̵e̵ ͡ju͏st ̶l̀as̨hįn͡g̕ ̶ou͝t ͠b̀ec̷a̴u͘sȩ y͢o͟u͟'̴re͟ u͝pse̡t̀.̴"

The look he gives me is cold.

"💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 🏱✌❄☟☜❄✋👍 ❄☟✋☠☝ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜📬 ☹⚐⚐😐 ✌�� ✡⚐🕆📬📬📬👍☹✋☠☝✋☠☝ ❄⚐ ✌ 💧☜☠💧☜ ❄☟✌❄ 🕈☜🕯☼☜ ☜✈🕆✌☹💧📬 🖂💧👍⚐☞☞🖂 ✌💧 ✋☞ ✌ ☟🕆💣✌☠ 👍⚐🕆☹👎 ☜✞☜☼ 👌☜ ✌☠✡❄☟✋☠☝ 💣⚐☼☜ ❄⚐ 💣☜ ❄☟✌☠ ✌ ❄☜💧❄ 💧🕆👌☺☜👍❄📬 ☜💧🏱☜👍✋✌☹☹✡ ⚐☠☜ ✌💧 👎✌💣✌☝☜👎 ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆📬" (SUCH A PATHETIC THING YOU ARE. LOOK AT YOU...CLINGING TO A SENSE THAT WE'RE EQUALS. *SCOFF* AS IF A HUMAN COULD EVER BE ANYTHING MORE TO ME THAN A TEST SUBJECT. ESPECIALLY ONE AS DAMAGED AS YOU.)

[You're losing more HOPE.]

My soul is almost drained of color. My weakened emotional state made this verbal assault of his rather easy to break my defenses. I don't know if this was part of a plan to make me less willing to fight back or if he's being honest, either way, I don't do a thing when he forces his entire hand into my dull soul. I feel pain, but I remain silent. My body begs to be free, but I'm dead slack. I do nothing...except give up.

[You've lost all HOPE.]

My soul turns pitch black as my body limps in his grip.

[You're filled with RELENTLESSNESS.]

"✌☟📪 ❄☟☜☼☜ 🕈☜ ☝⚐📬 ✡⚐🕆 💧☜☜✍ ❄☟✌❄ 🕈✌💧☠🕯❄ 💧⚐ 👌✌👎📬 ☠⚐🕈 🕈✌💧 ✋❄✍" (AH, THERE WE GO. YOU SEE? THAT WASN'T SO BAD. NOW WAS IT?)

There's no response.

"☟🕆💣✌☠✍" (HUMAN?)

Suddenly one of my arms breaks free and grabs hold of his neck.

"Į tr̡i̶ed̴ t͢o w͜a͝r̨n y̢oų.̶..̛"

He strikes me as he pulls away to set himself free, his hand no longer in my soul and the other appendages tightening their hold as my eyes fade to black with a malicious smile smearing my lips.

"You should've listened while you had the chance."

He's shaken but not easily intimidated.

"💧⚐ ❄☟✋💧 ✋💧 ✋❄✍ ❄☟☜ 👌☹✌👍😐 💧⚐🕆☹ ⚐☞ ☼☜☹☜☠❄☹☜💧💧 👎☜✌❄☟✍ ✋🕯💣 ☠⚐❄ ✋💣🏱☼☜💧💧☜👎📬" (SO THIS IS IT? THE BLACK SOUL OF RELENTLESS DEATH? I'M NOT IMPRESSED.)

An emotionless chuckle leaves me and it slowly builds into haunting laughter.

"✡⚐🕆 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 💧👍✌☼☜ 💣☜📬" (YOU DON'T SCARE ME.)

My laughter stops instantly.

"That will soon change."

[Meanwhile: the child's bedroom in the Ruins]

Things are usually peaceful when sleep claims the waking world. The word usually being the key term here. Not everything sleeps in the hours of the night. And not all is peaceful when not a sound is heard. So in the normally quiet dark room where the human and flower rest, a soft light began to emanate from covers of the bed of the human. This soft glow started out weak, hardly ever noticeable to the shadows that consumed the room. But as time went on, the glowing got brighter, and the dark of the room weakened. Soon though the building light stirs the senses of the flower and once he rubs the sleep from his eyes the sight gets his concern.

"What the...?"

The light grew brighter and the human makes weak sounds of pain. Worried, Flowey stretches out a vine and shakes the girl a bit.

"Hey. Hey. Wake up. Come on, wake up."

Her response is only to whimper and the glowing flares. Fear and curiosity has his vine pulling the covers off of her, revealing the source of the light to be coming from her chest.

"Ah hell. What kind of crazy junk is this?"

She suddenly sits up and the glow of her chest dims, freaking Flowey out enough to yelp. He's quick to cover his mouth, hoping he hadn't disturbed Toriel. Nothing happens as the room darkens once more. Though a chill permeates the air where only warmth was felt. At least the human was awake and things were normal.

"You know, you're going to have to tell me about this weird stuff that happens when you sleep sooner or later. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

There's no response.

"Human?"

A faint dull glow casts in front of her and something makes Flowey shiver.

"Howdy...It's me...your best friend."

Oh no...

"Lynsie?"

"Do you remember it, Asriel?"

If flower's had blood, Flowey's would be running cold.

"When you killed your brother, you looked just...like...THIS!"

She turns to him quickly and he sees the face of death. Black eyes with red irises piercing into his very being. He knows those eyes. They were once his a long time when he became a creature of unimaginable power. The shadows seem to surround those eyes and the form it creates is one he thought he'd never see again.

"S-S-Stay away from me! You're not real!"

"What's wrong, Asriel? Afraid of your own shadow now?"

"Stop it! Leave me alone!"

"I don't think so."

This THING grabs his pot and Flowey can't make himself move.

"Those fool thinks they can get rid of me. But you know that isn't going to happen, don't you, little Prince?"

These words. Who the hell was this, because this sure as hell isn't Lynsie.

"Who...What are you?"

The sound of approaching steps is head and it smiles.

"Isn't it obvious?"

It puts the pot down and seems to disappear into the darkness.

"I'm the bad guy."

The bedroom door opens slightly.

"Children? Is everything okay?"

"Don't come in here!"

Flowey's warning is too little too late. Toriel enters the room and turns on the light, revealing the grinning black soul girl behind her.

"Mom, look out!"

She doesn't register this fast enough as the Black Soul clutches both hands together and swings them downwards hard, hitting Toriel on her back to knock her over.

"Mom!"

"Ah ah ah. You can't call her that till after the True Lab. Stick to the script, Flowey. Frisk isn't here to break the game for you anymore."

How does it know all this?

"Poor, Toriel. You just can't get a break today. Well...Hehehe...I can fix that."

The Black Soul reaches for Toriel's leg, most likely with the aim of breaking it as it had teased. But Toriel is not an easy mark for attack and her own self-preservation instincts make her swipe a fiery paw at the threat to her life. Whether this is part of the Black Soul's twisted game or it underestimated Toriel's reflexes, but it takes the hit and is sent crashing into the hall's wall with enough force to leave a body dent, much to Toriel's horror.

"N-No...No no no no..."

Mothering nature trumps the defensive one and she moves to check on the unmoving smoking body lying limp in the hall. But she doesn't make it very far, not with the vines wrapping around her.

"What are you doing? Release me, flower."

"I can't. It's too dangerous. That thing isn't her."

His words take a moment to alert her to the issue at hand and it sinks in more when creepy chuckling comes from the hall.

"Awww...It's so cute seeing you care for her. Such a good little mama's boy you've become."

The body rises awkwardly from the floor and those eyes gleam wickedly, a scorch mark across the belly.

"But if you think a family bond will save you from me, you are wrong...DEAD wrong."

"Entity..."

Even when confronted by death, Toriel is worried about her loved ones over herself.

"If harm is truly your intent, then do one small kindness and tell us why. What fills you with so much hate that you seek to end our lives?"

To this, the Black Soul seems taken by, almost confused or insulted.

"Hate? My dear, Toriel, you've got me all wrong. I don't hate. Hate is not a part of me at all."

That's an answer none of them saw coming.

"You...You do not hate us?"

"Then what the hell is your problem?!"

It shakes its head disapprovingly.

"Sorry. But I'm not into the whole cliché of revealing important plot/character information that can ultimately cripple my diabolical plans. By the way, I don't have any diabolical plans, that's just this body's childishness coming out. Either way...My secrets aren't meant to be told to just anyone. Those are things for her to know and her alone."

Her? Who is her? Did it mean the human? Damn this thing for speaking in nonsense. It didn't answer much and leaves only more questions in its wake. Yet before another question could be thought up or asked, the Black Soul grips its chest in pain and stumbles back into the wall.

"*wince* Damn it...Seems my time is being cut short...hęh̵.͞..A̸n҉d jus͞t̢ ̀whe҉ń t͜hi͏n͢gs w͝e͏re ̀gét͡ti̢ng ̸int́eres̴ti͝ng̕ ̷I ͟f̢all ̕fǫr̸ ͠t̀h҉e cl̛ic͞h҉é ǫf monơl̀ogu͢ing ͘ţi͞l̕l̨ I'̧m b̡est̢e̶d͡."

It points to them and smiles painfully wide.

"T͜his͞ i͢sn't ̕thȩ ̷l͞a̷s͝t҉ ͘y̢ou've̸ ̛s̴èen o͡f ͜m͞e.͜..̨I sh̸al̕l ̧ret͟ur҉n...̴A̧n̡d ̛ẁhen̕ ͝I̡ do...͏Į s͝hall ͏b͠e͠ ͘m͏ore̕ ͟pow̶erful ͏t̢h͏a͘n͞ ́y̕ou c҉an p̶o̢ssibly̵ im̸a̛gi͘ne!"

The intense threat is made less threatening when it abruptly vomits black slime and collapses to the floor face first. There's a long pause as tension mounts as to if this is another fake-out by the Black Soul. But after a bit of time with nothing happening, Flowey releases his hold on Toriel and she cautiously approaches the human's body.

"Lynsie? Child, can you hear me?"

The human doesn't seem alive. That goop still oozing from her mouth. Toriel kneels and checks for any sign that the girl isn't about to die.

"Is she breathing?"

"I...I can not tell."

"*coughing and gasping*"

Suddenly the girl springs to life, spewing up more of that goo from her lungs before air can let her breathe once more. Toriel does her best to help keep her weak body from flailing and helps her stand once she's stabilized.

"Are you alright, my child?"

Shaken, she merely nods her head. Though none truly believe she is fine.

"Do you need anything?"

She shakes her head.

"Okay. Let me help you back into bed."

That has the girl tremble and Toriel frowns.

"...How about some milk and a story? Does that sound better?"

She nods.

"Very well. But then it is to the tub with you. I know not what that 'stuff' is, but I do not want it to linger on you longer than needed."

She nods again as Toriel walks her towards the living room. Flowey from her perch just lingers, contemplating on if he should follow or not. That Black Soul really shook him to the core. It knew things. Things she shouldn't know. It didn't help that it acted differently too. Unlike when he saw it before, this thing was more cat-like, teasing and toying with them whereas before it was calculatingly cold with deliberate actions. It was like it was a completely different THING all together. Very...Chaotic in nature. This was troubling. Maybe it would be best to ignore the fear and make sure the human was alright. After all, he'd like some reassuring if he went through something like that. Spider walking on his vines, he carefully makes his way around the puddle of sludge, noticing that the amount was slowly shrinking. Weird stuff. He didn't like it. He just hoped it was gone by nights end.

[Meanwhile: Skeleton household]

Hard times were also had at the home of Sans and Papyrus. Though not to the same extent as a what went on in the Ruins. No...After the whole "Queen went nuts" incident, Papyrus wore sans down enough so that the elder sibling would talk about what he's been keeping from him. This was fine, as Sans was sick of hiding things anyway, but he was wary that Papyrus would believe any of it. Sure enough, this was how things went down, at least, not at first. When it came to some of it, Papyrus was willing to accept with not much convincing, such as the human possessing a strange soul. With how she was he had no doubt that even her soul was off in some way, shape, or form. What wasn't believable was that she was capable of immense power so strong that it would corrupt her into a murderous psycho. Once that lost him, Sans didn't bother trying to explain anything else, much to Papyrus annoyance. So as they laid in their beds, different trains of thought came to them.

Papyrus was irritated and that made trying to sleep harder than normal, what with his high levels of stress-induced adrenaline. Sans was less than informative and what he did tell him made little to no sense. The human...THAT human...Sans dared to insinuate that that pitiful thing could match or even out power him, the great and terrible Papyrus, in strength. Her? Compared to him? The levels of bullshit were so high you could taste the foulness. Still, Sans is a poor liar when it comes to him and during their chat Papyrus couldn't sense any sign of falsehood in his brother's words. So maybe...No. No, he refuses to even entertain the idea of the human being strong without proof of some sort. But how? How to get said proof? Hmmm...seems a duel is in order. Only then could he truly test her might.

Sans on his end felt relief for once. Nothing was shackling him anymore. No promise hanging over his head. No human to bother him. No Black Soul around to randomly trigger a murder spree. No reason for Grillby to act all weird at the bar. And nothing to make him feel weird or mess with his head while laying in bed. Sure, Papyrus was a dick as he predicted he would when he started to tell him about stuff. But fuck that. None of that mattered. Things were normal again. He could finally unwind and hang loose if he wanted to without worry. Oh yeah, this was going to be sweet. Sure, the human could and probably would pop back into his life. But who knows if and when that would happen. Till then there was no reason for that chick to be on his mind. Why would he even want to think about her? All she ever did was cause him trouble. Okay, maybe not always. There were some good times. Hell, she'd actually pun along with him and not give him shit over it. That's a rare thing that only the old lady does. Damn it...There he goes again. Wanting just to have a moment to himself and yet that woman finds a way into his skull. Argh! Why do humans keep plaguing his life like this? All he wants is some peace!

[Time Skip]

Four days...It's been four days since that night...And it's been four days since I've slept. I can't do it. I can't. I can't go back there. I can't trust anyone. Chara hasn't said a word and Gaster is...well...Gaster. I want to trust them but how can I when this shit happens?! I've kept myself busy by getting back into my old habits. I trained like crazy for the first two days. Toriel managed to fix my messed up tooth by filling it with a bit of silver. She practiced doing this on a potato before feeling good enough to try it on me. Luckily it worked and my head didn't explode. By day three I only got half of my normal stuff done. And now, day four, I'm about ready to keel over. Every time my eyes close for a second too long I panic. My brain is not responding to this well. It's desperate for sleep of some kind. After around the seventieth consecutive hour of being awake, it started triggering microsleep. This is a temporary episode of sleep or drowsiness which may last for a fraction of a second or up to thirty seconds where an individual fails to respond to some arbitrary sensory input and becomes unconscious. I've gone through this before once. I experimented to see how long I could make myself stay awake. I ended up lasting four and a half days before forcing myself to sleep because I was just so fucking tired. That was some good sleep and I ended up sleeping through the entirety of hurricane Wilma. Knowing this and the signal of the microsleep, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up before my mind shuts down or I end up with a far more worst condition than random insomnia. It doesn't help that all the training used up a lot of my energy. My internal batteries are aching for a recharge. But I can't risk it. I can't! I can't let that thing back out! I can't fall asleep! I won't go to sleep! I can't do it! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT!!

"Child, please stop..."

Toriel, who has been watching me pace circles around the old dead tree, comes to me and holds my arms back. I'm shaking and my nails are dripping crimson. How long was I digging into my skin for?

"You can not continue on like this. I beg of you, please, get some rest."

"No! N-No sleep...Can't sleep...Bad things happen in sleep. Can't...C-Can't let the bad stuff happen."

She frowns with ever grown concern. She's been worried sick since that night. Aside from the Black Soul stuff, she told me about, she nearly had a heart attack once her eyes saw all the hand marks Gaster printed on me. It didn't help that I refused to tell her how or what they were from. Though it was a convenient way to disguise the hickey Grillby gave me. I'm not very talkative lately if you can imagine, though when I do my lack of sleep is obvious in my slurring stutter and slow brief pauses.

"At least will you come inside and sit with me? There is no need to pace around."

I can't sit still. Gotta keep moving. Gotta stay awake. Gotta get her off my back if I'm to stay awake a second longer.

"...S-Sure. But...C-Could you make that...c-cheesecake I like? It m-might help me...relax."

This eases her some and she takes me back into the house where she sits me on her chair before leaving to go get things to tend to my cuts. Wow, these are deep. I was really digging in there. She returns to see me breaking my nails to prevent moment like this till they grow back and she sighs to get my attention.

"You poor thing. Why must you insist on dealing with such things on your own? I am here for you if you need help so badly."

"I d-don't need help."

She kneels and takes one of my arms to start healing.

"You do not need to be so stubborn. Holding your troubles in only makes them worse."

I bite my tongue to keep myself from yelling something along the lines of her being a hypocrite.

"Where is F-Flowey?"

"I let him out while you were pacing. The dear needed to stretch his roots, what with being stuck in that pot for so long."

Her magic seals the flesh up and she puts my glove back on before working on the other arm. I keep forgetting to put them on after I take them off.

"He's worried about you too. I know the two of you are very close. It must pain him seeing you try to handle this on your own."

There's no need to guilt trip me over this. I already feel like shit. I hate being like this. I'm becoming everything Gaster said I was. I hate this. I hate this! I hate myself! I hate you! Why are you so weak?!

"Lynsie, calm down, please!"

I'm shaking even more now and my hands are pointlessly clawing at her chair.

"I...I n-need to go...Need to m-move..."

"No. You will sit still and let me finish. This gash is too deep to be left alone."

I'm trying! Don't you think I am? Every part of me is going crazy!

"...When I am done, are you going to stay in the house?"

"Y-Yes...I'll s-stay inside...Please...I can't...I h-have to move."

Her displeasure is very evident on her face, but she takes this small victory and finishes healing me. The moment she's done, I'm already out of the chair and walking nervously. She attempts to pat my head reassuringly but I flinch and she pouts.

"I will be in the kitchen if you need anything."

I nod, holding myself to try to make the trembling stop.

"I mean it...I will help you. All you need do is ask."

I nod again and she reluctantly moves the other room. I slowly go to my room to collect my iPod before heading downstairs. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to get lost. I don't trust myself in this state. I'm too on edge to be okay. I pop in the earbuds and search for something fitting of this mood. Something angry. Something messed up. Something that will keep me awake as I walk around the large space by the exit door. Finally, I find something appropriate..."Last Resort" by Papa Roach.

"♪Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. Suffocation. No breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding...This is my last resort...♫"

Oh yeah...So fucking appropriate.

"♪Cut my life into pieces. I've reached my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding? Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight And I'm contemplating suicide. 'Cause I'm losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.♫"

My chest starts to tighten at memories of when I'd last played this song. Always on really bad days. Really sad days. Days where I couldn't see any point to anything. Days like these. Like today.

"♪I never realized I was spread too thin. Till it was too late. And I was empty within. Hungry! Feeding on chaos. And living in sin. Downward spiral, where do I begin? It all started when I lost my mother. No love for myself. And no love for another. Searching to find a love up on a higher level. Finding nothing but questions and devils. 'Cause I'm losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothing's alright. Nothing is fine. I'm running and I'm crying...I'm crying...I'm crying...I'm crying...I'm crying. I can't go on living this way.♫"

The problem with listening to songs like this when you yourself are pretty fucked up is...it tends to only fuck you up even more. The words get to me and I trip over my own unsteady feet, smashing into the floor by the door. I don't even bother with trying to get up. I'm too depressed to give a shit about it.

"♪Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort Suffocation. No breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding. Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I'm contemplating suicide. 'Cause I'm losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothing's alright. Nothing is fine. I'm running and I'm crying. I can't go on living this way! Can't go on...Living this way...Nothing's all...right!!♫"

Thank the lord for that song being short. I'm not sure if I could take it for another minute or two. Probably end up a big sobbing mess. Wait...Why do I feel...Oh god damn it! I'm crying! Why the fuck am I crying?! Can't I go one fucking day without being such a bitch?! It's because I'm weak. Look at me. I'm such a pussy that I'm afraid to even go to sleep. Hell, I wasn't scared when I had those Freddy Krueger dreams. After three visits from that guy, we became friends. Friends! With Freddy mother fucking Krueger! The dream killer! Yet here I am. Crying into the dirt like the biggest bitch on the planet because someone was mean and brought out the worst part of me. Pathetic. Gaster was right. I'm a worm. A weak, pansy ass, bitch of a worm that is nothing but useless. I...I wish I was dead.

"*muffled* hey, you doing okay in there?"

Great! Just great! A witness to my misery. Ugh...At least he can't see me.

"*muffled* kid? i know you're there. the old lady would've spoken by now."

This is so awkward. I haven't spoken to Sans since I left Snowdin. And the shit Gaster showed me made me want to see him less. Maybe if I do nothing he'll think he was hearing things and leave.

"*muffled* giving me the silent treatment, huh? bitch move, kid. but i can fix that."

[knock-knock]

I flinch. A strong urge pulling at me.

[knock-knock]

"*muffled* come on, ya know ya wanna say it. don't leave me hanging."

[knock-knock]

Why? Why am I compelled to do this?!

"*weak* Who's there?"

His chuckling is really laughter once I remove the earbuds. No point trying to drown myself with music now.

"inu."

"Inu who?"

"inu you couldn't resist a knock-knock joke."

I groan, rolling onto my back knowing this wasn't going to be a short joke chat.

"geez, i know my jokes aren't for everyone, but it wasn't that bad."

"It's not you...You're f-fine...The joke was fine. I'm j-just not feeling well."

"huh? you sick or something?"

"I haven't s-slept...in four days."

"the hell? why not?"

I get quiet.

"kid? ...did...did something happen?"

I move closer to the door. I don't know where Flowey is or if Toriel is spying on me, but this is stuff I can only share with Sans.

"Sans...Gaster...did stuff to me."

"uh...w-what...what kind of stuff?"

"Bad s-stuff...Very bad...He..."

"please don't tell me if it's of the xxx variety."

You're one to talk, perverted asshole.

"N-No...dingus. He f-forced it out...The Black Soul."

I can't see him due to the door between us, but it's not hard to imagine the look that comes to him from that.

"he did what?! don't tell me you...you didn't kill tori, did ya?"

Ow. That hurt. His level of worry is strong. Then again, I'm weak enough to have that question hurled at me.

"No. S-She's still alive. I didn't k-kill anyone...thankfully."

The breath of relief he lets out is louder than I thought a guy with no lungs could make.

"thank asgore. heh...well at least there's some good news. you're getting better at controlling that thing."

My hands ball into fists as I start to seethe internally.

"You're wrong. I...I wasn't the one to put it back in its cage. Gaster did."

I snarl at myself. My self-loathing perks my energy up to a decent level.

"He was able to manipulate my soul like a child toying with a bug in a jar. I was completely powerless. I...I couldn't do a damn thing."

"i did tell ya you were messing with a devil you couldn't handle."

"ARGH!!"

In a fit, I punch the door. My knuckles crunching into the stone is a sickening sound. Yet what neither of us expects is that the force pushes the door slightly, the chill wind of the other side creeping in through the small gap.

"hey, take it easy. you're not the first to be played by the guy. it's just what he does."

"That's not it. I'm pissed off at myself."

"the fuck for?"

"For all of this. None of this would be happening if I wasn't so weak."

"you just cold cocked a thick as hell stone door and not bitching about the pain. you're not weak."

"You don't get it!"

I don't mean to snap, but I'm too tense to hold back.

"I am weak! If I wasn't...I wouldn't have fallen down here. The Black Soul wouldn't have been awakened. I wouldn't be putting everyone in danger. I wouldn't be too fucking scared to sleep!"

I can feel my heart racing. Sweat is starting to fall and I'm panting.

"I am weak. I'm a pathetic waste that's better off dead. At least then I can't hurt anyone. So then why..."

I bash my head into the door.

"Why the fuck am I more scared to die than I've ever been before?!"

I bash my head again and this time I see the red stain on the dull stone. before feeling the trickle.

"what the hell are ya doing?"

"I don't know anymore! I'm just so tired! *meek* So...fucking...tired..."

Damn it, again with the crying. I'm such garbage. I'm just...

"lynsie..."

"*sniffles* What?"

"stop it."

I'm sorry...What?

"Huh?"

"stop it. just stop. stop with this depressing self-pity bullshit."

I rub my face of tears and blood.

"Stop? Hehehe...*sarcasm* Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that? Just stop feeling things. Problem solved!"

"don't be a bitch."

"Did you come up with that idea all by yourself? *mock gasp* You should get a Noble Prize."

"fine! see if i try to be nice again."

"Ah, come one. I'm busting your not real balls."

"i take shit from pap 24/7, what makes you think i'm gonna stick around to take it from you?"

"You don't have to. I just..."

I sit back against the door, feeling my body weigh heavier than ever.

"*sigh* You're the only one that knows what's going on with me. The only one I can talk to about this crap. The one I trust. As much as I piss you off and make you hate me...You're my closest friend. You don't hold back on me. You don't pretend to be someone you're not. You're bare bones honest and willing to call me out on my stupid junk. And just like that, without knowing it or even trying...You make me feel better when I really need it the most."

I wipe my face into my shirt as I hear only silence on his end. I smile sadly to myself.

"Sorry for the mushy talk. *sniffle* Dumb soul hormone crap makes me such a pussy sometimes."

I'm lying to myself and him with that one. I don't know why I said all that stuff. Probably the filter in my brain diverted power to my emotional stuff because it's not up to speed right now. But I know what I said was true. Sans is my friend. And without him, I'd probably not be here. Still, I'm not about to tell him that.

[knock-knock]

"Who's there?"

"comma."

"comma out here."

"Heh...Good one."

"no, i mean it. let me take ya to grillby's for a bit. i know it would make his day to see ya again. and who knows, it might help ya feel better once you get a little tipsy."

I think I'll stay away from the hard stuff for a while. Freaky shit tends to happen.

"As good as that sounds, I can't. Not that I don't want to. But Nanny will lose her mind if I just leave. That, and I don't think I can move anymore."

"you used up your last bits being a little cry baby, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Guess I've gotta be a big girl and face the music now. It's getting harder to keep my eyes open."

"...ya want me to, i dunno, stick around? make sure you don't go coo coo for killer puffs?"

That gets me to smile for real this time.

"I'd like that. Thank you...Sans."

Either it's getting darker or my lids are shutting. It doesn't take long before exhaustion takes me, my head lulling to the side and making my body follow it to the ground with a soft thud.

"lynsie?"

Sans gets no response other than loud shallow breathing.

"*scoff* calls herself weak? kid lasts better than i do when nightmares strike."

Picking himself out of the snow, Sans dusts himself off and gives the door a second glance. If he wanted to, he could use that small shift in the stone to his advantage and pry it open with some well-placed bones. It wouldn't be hard to abduct a helpless sleep deprived human. Yet...Something told him that t wasn't the best move to make. For one, no one wants another pissed off Toriel rampaging through town again. And second...what she said, all that dumb girly feeling stuff...some of that felt more personal than intended and it made him uncomfortable.

"Child!"

He flinched at the voice of Toriel and the level of worry it held. Was it because of motherly reasons or did the human's Black Soul come out when he wasn't paying attention?

"Why? Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why will you not let me help you?"

That made his sockets widen. She didn't even let her own mom in on any of this? But...She opened up to him. Why?

"As much as I piss you off and make you hate me...You're my closest friend."

He felt heat beginning to pool in his cheekbones and he pulled the hood of his jacket over his head to hide this as he returned to his post.

"damn, woman. staying stupid shit like that. messing with me."

At his station, Sans plopped down on his seat and began drinking from a bottle of mustard he'd stashed there the day prior. The tangy yellow concoction brought a much-needed chill to his heating bones. Though it did little to ease his mind on the events that only moments ago happened.

"friends...heh...i don't need any friends. fucking bitch."

He fiddles with the bottle before drinking more.

"And just like that, without knowing it or even trying...You make me feel better when I really need it the most."

His grip on the bottle got harsh, making him guzzle the condiment like a hardcore drunk before slamming it onto the station's counter top.

"argh! get out of my head!"

She was becoming a parasite to him. A virus that was spreading to every thought he had. It was driving him crazy! There has to be a way to make this stop. Something that could be done to make all this weirdness end. Something that would get this out of his system. But what?

"SANS!"

Lost in his "hate the human" thoughts, Sans failed to notice Papyrus storming over to his post.

"huh? what's up, boss?"

Papyrus eyes his brother questionably.

"what?"

"YOU'RE AWAKE AT YOUR POST."

"uh...yeah. and?"

"I HAVE NOTICED YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN MORE ACTIVE WHEN THE HUMAN WAS AROUND. SO...WHERE IS SHE?"

Great. Now the fucking human was messing with his behavior too.

"she ain't here if that wasn't obvious enough. otherwise, there'd be an annoying punk hovering around me like a damn fly."

That made Papyrus fold his arms with a cocky smirk. Sans didn't like that look.

"the fuck is that look for?"

"I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU HAD GONE SOFT ON ME. YOU SEEMED TOO CLOSE TO HER AND NOW...HEH...IT LOOKS AS THOUGH I MISSED QUITE THE AMUSING FIGHT."

Sans glares strongly at his sibling, his current mood not helping matters much.

"piss off. i don't fucking like her!"

Now it was Papyrus's turn to glare.

"DO NOT TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, SANS. I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH PUTTING YOU IN YOUR PLACE."

Sans huffs and claws the underside of the counter.

"whatever."

"WHATEVER INDEED. FOR WHATEVER THIS LITTLE THING THAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU AND HUMAN, IT BETTER NOT INTERFERE WITH ANY FUTURE ATTEMPTS ON TAKING HER SOUL."

"*scoff* trust me. that's the least of my concerns."

Papyrus sneers.

"I MEAN IT, SANS. I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING SCREW UP MY CHANCES OF COLLECTING THAT SOUL."

"i told you, that would be the stupidest thing you can do. that soul of her's ain't worth the trouble."

Papyrus slams his hands down on the counter, cracking some of the wood.

"IF YOU TRULY EXPECT ME TO BUY INTO THIS BLACK SOUL NONSENSE THAN YOU BETTER FIND A WAY TO PROVE TO ME THAT IT'S REAL!"

"and how do you expect me to do that? have it triggered and let her kill half the town?"

"OF COURSE NOT! SHE'D NEVER GET THAT FAR INTO SUCH A SPREE ONCE I SLAY HER."

Sans rolls his eyes and Papyrus snarls.

"YOU DON'T THINK I CAN KILL HER?"

"her? sure, you'd kill her no problem. she'd probably let you do it if things got really bad. but the black soul? that's a different story all together."

"YOU TALK AS THOUGH YOU'VE SEEN THIS 'BLACK SOUL' IN ACTION."

Sans breaks eye contact with his brother.

"YOU HAVE, HAVEN'T YOU?"

His clawing into the wood gets harsher.

"that thing isn't something you want to mess with. don't go after something you can't handle."

This is something Papyrus did not like hearing. So much so that he grabs Sans and yanks him over the counter by the scruff of his shirt's collar.

"YOU DARE THINK THAT PITIFUL CREATURE CAN HARM ME?!"

Sans is so not in the mood for this shit.

"no! i don't think it would harm you! i know it would kill you!"

Papyrus, being the colossal dick that he is, slams his brother into the snow hard.

"YOU MISERABLY PILE OF SHIT! HOW DARE YOU! IF YOU WEREN'T MY BROTHER I WOULD KILL YOU FOR SUCH SLANDER!"

"then fucking do it! if it means i don't have to put up with your shit anymore, then kill me now!"

To that, the great and terrible Papyrus flinched. They both remain motionless for a time. The only thing heard is the wind rustling trees in the background. Slowly though, Papyrus gets off Sans and leaves. Sans stays on the ground. His own words had struck him and his chest hurting for even saying them.

"Golly..."

The sudden voice has his head looking up behind him to see an amused yellow flower.

"I have seen a lot of things. And I mean a LOT of things. But that? That's a first in my book."

Sans groans.

"fuck off, weed. i'm not in the mood for any of your crap."

"Oh, I know. I heard everything."

Sans cocks his brow.

"...everything?"

"Yep. Everything. Seems you're more willing to chat with her than you ever were with me."

"to be fair, you don't make me want to talk. *growl* you piss me off to the point i want to pluck each and every petal from your bulb as slowly as possible."

Flowey sighs with a shrug.

"Oh Sans, just as bitter as ever even when the timeline treats you right."

That gets his attention and Sans rolls over.

"you...*rage* it was you! you were the one fucking with the timeline before frisk!"

The smirk that comes to Flowey is anything but innocent.

"Gee, took you long enough this time."

Sans bares his teeth as his left eye begins to flare.

"Wow. You look mad. I haven't seen you that mad since all those times in the Judgment Hall."

"i'll fucking kill you!"

Sans doesn't get to make a move against the mocking flower, as vines spring up from the ground to ensnare his limbs and keeping him down in the snow covered dirt.

"Ah ah ah. That isn't very nice. Don't you know this is a pacifist run?"

"i'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!"

Flowey cringes a little bit.

"Okay, disturbing. Makes me think of questions I never want to know the answer to. That's a new feeling."

Sans pulls on his vine restraints, meeting stronger resistance than he thought he'd get from a flower.

"Look, I don't have a lot of time to waste while you struggle for no reason. I'm not here to be the big bad flower. I only want to talk. So if you'll calm down, I'll let you go."

"why the fuck should i believe that? for that matter, i can just kill ya right now and no one would know."

"Oh, you know as well as I that at least one person would know. And she won't take my death very well. Just as she didn't take it well the first time."

That made Sans pause. His magic dies down along with his thrashing.

"you...you remember the dead timeline?"

Flowey folds his leaves and huffs.

"I don't know what I was thinking. Go get Papyrus, you said. He'll help us, you said. That lunatic yanked my roots out of the ground so fast my entire life flashed before my eyes!"

Sans snickers.

"heh...dying sucks, don't it?"

"You would know. You've killed me plenty of times. And Frisk has done the same back at you. Guessing that's karma for you."

Sans didn't find that joke very funny. Though he was surprised when Flowey retracted his vines and set him free.

"See? You calmed down and I let you go. Now can we talk without having to attack or defend?"

Sans was still wary. This flower had many tricks he didn't know about or liked. Maybe he could spin this unexpected moment to his advantage and learn what it knows.

"fine..."

He sits himself up and leans back on his palms.

"ya wanna talk, weed? then let's talk."

Flowey sighs with relief and smiles childishly.

"Good. Because I have a few questions to ask you. Questions only you have the answers for."

"ask away. i doubt you got anything too crazy to ask."

"Alright...So tell me, Smiley Trashbag..."

The face of the flower morphs into a very dark and creepy thing. Hollow eyes and pointed fangs.

"Just how much have you told my dear sister?"

[thatshighlyoffensive]

THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: THE SAG AWARDS 2018

So much pink! So many sparkles! it was actually pretty hard for me to be offended by this year’s SAG awards, but don’t worry- there were plenty of people who wanted to make it easy on me... Let the skewering begin!

Danielle Brooks- I think if her hair had been left wild and naturally beautiful, this would have been my favorite look of the night. Her dress is amazing! She looks like a badass, villainous ruby slipper! Or the glam version of the villain in Never-ending Story part 2. I love alllllll of it.

Chrissy Metz- i know it’s not gonna be cool for me to say this, but… let’s kill her off This Is Us so she’s free to star in my new Lifetime Fiction Made for TV Movie, “Violet Beauregarde: After the Gum, Before the Juicing.”

Giuliana Rancid- First things first: She looks like the child of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jay Gatsby and the blonde vulture from the cartoon “Jungle Book.” I’m gonna be honest- I’m having a hard time coming up with new or interesting ways to call her an ungodly shade of orange or the Queen of the Antz. Because while she will always remain those things, she’s constantly finding new ways to offend me and the rest of America by being the most obtuse yet anorexic hymenoptera on the red carpet.

Abbie Cornish- Modeling the newest addition to the Elle Fanning & American Girl collaboration with Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Allison Williams: Some college sophomore who became anorexic in preparation for her Chicago audition.  

Sterling K. Brown’s wife (who they keep trying to pretend/cram down our throats is an actress): You’re at the Spelling Bee and your word is DOILY.

Alison Brie: While I’m not obsessed with it, I love how her dress coordinates with her show. It’s fun, it’s eighties, it’s GLOWing.

Niecey Nash- No one cares, except me, but you stole my costume from when I played the Charo originated role of Frog Momma in “The Swan Princess.”

Halle Berry: I kind of love everything about this. It’s pink and berry and sparkly and has black tulle, so LOVE. But i cannot and will not with that My Little Pony Tail. You’re better than that, Halle. Shave that shit off like you did after David Justice!

Laurie Metcalf: If Angelina Jolie had worn this, my head would have exploded. You’re borderline just as devastating bc i LOVE YOU. Well played, sir.

Mary j Blige is clearly on her way to a ballet themed MET Gala dressed in Kmart’s Black Swan collection…

Only Taryn Manning would put a white, ankle strapped, Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls heel with an elegant, black, Audrey Hepburn-esque dress. Because ALL HER CHARACTERS.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a beautiful emerald earring. But when did she get that gap in her teeth?? @jenniferhintonmarion

Saiorse Ronan- If not for the bolo tie wrapped around your waist, i’d say you are a delightful version of Audrey’s character in Funny Face guest starring in a Moondreamers Valentine’s Day special.

Tracee Ellis Ross- At first I thought this was pants. I wasn’t going to like it then and I’m sad to say I shan’t be liking it any more upon realizing it’s a dress. It does nothing for her body and those shoes resemble something Angela Sephton purchased from Gadzooks circa 2004. Maybe if you get your pay raise, you can afford more attractive clothing.

Kate Hudson- The first time i saw this mess, i said to my friend @loganyost “It’s like Samantha the Victorian American Girl doll raped a care bear.” And I stand by that. #whattheactalfuck

Lupita Nyongo- On TV, that dress is PERFECTION. In photos though, it kind of resembles a silver tooth that’s gathered some Oreo around the gum line…

i didn’t think anyone could be as boring as Alexis Bledel at the Golden Globes (or in any role she’s ever played)… Olivia Munn has proven me wrong. #snooze

Brie Larson matched her eyeshadow to her dress. I love all the colors, but I do not love all the things.

Greta Gerwig: i freaking love everything about this. The color (which is giving me major Nicole Kidman in Dior circa 1997 vibes), the shape, the way she looks in the shape, the makeup that works with it all… LOVE.

Why is Molly Sims at the SAG awards? And why is she dressed as a saloon stripper named Cerulean Sarsaparilla???

Nicole Kidman- This is what you look like with the flu?!?!?!?!? i die. This looks like a chic, ruby-encrusted trash bag with a SJP shoulder flower and i love all of it.

Allison Janney came dressed as a SAG statue tonight, manifesting a win. And it worked. And I couldn’t be happier. Her performance in “I, Tonya” made started my year off RIGHT.

Susan Sarandon’s dress is what i want to own in every single color and fabric and have it be the only thing i ever wear to awards shows. And the sunglasses? Does she think she’s actually Bette Davis? I’m fine with it.

Did all the females in the ‘This Is Us’ cast decide to dress in the same shade of blueberry for a reason? Did they think  this was the blue version of all black everyone pulled at the Golden Globes? That being said, I definitely think Mandy Moore takes the prize for Best Use of Cobalt, 2018.

Aside from the cheap looking hem on Margot Robbie’s dress, this may be my favorite look of the night. She looks like an Ice Capades Barbie at the black tie gala on the eve of her big skate and i love allll of it.

Dakota fanning ALSO looks like a Barbie, but the #myfirstbarbie version.

Marisa Tomei- Perfection, as always. The ultimate modern bombshell. Pink. Glitter. Yes.

Kristen Bell: Great job as the hostess of the evening. HOWEVER, on the red carpet, she just reminded me to pick up medication for my next UTI.

Holly Hunter: Why am I so obsessed with this? Is it because you are one of my favorite actresses of all time  AND you happen to play a fellow ECU alum in your last amazing film, The Big Sick? Is it because there are pockets? I guess we’ll never know.

Connie Britton: Although I cannot forgive your latest role as a 911 operator (even if it is in a Ryan Murphy show), I am obviously obsessed with your pink, sparkly dress! It doesn’t fit even remotely like a dream, but i repeat: PINK AND SPARKLY. If your hair was blonde, the dress actually fit and you had red star earrings with a holographic fairy godmother on the other end, you’d be Jem.

Mary Steenburgen’s dress? Great. The color, the fit, it’s all working. I cannot, however, condone that HAIR! It’s like the brunette Deborah Rush spontaneously cut bangs so she could replace Jeri Blank in the Flatpoint High production of Chicago.

Omg Laura Linney- You look like some sort of beautiful pink bird in a cage in Barbie’s dream house. C’est magnifique.

ALRIGHT Y’ALL... I’D WRITE MORE, BUT FRANKLY, I’VE BEEN DRINKING WINE ALL DAMN DAY AND IT’S TIME TO GO THE PINK SATIN TO BED. LOVE YOU AND THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING!