#remember all the times i've said thru the year i've been working a lot and etc etc etc

[hyakunana]

AT LAST, EVIL IS UNLEASHED!!!!! 😈 and I'm the Character Colorist of the new WEBTOON project, A Practical Guide to Evil!

Super happy to be part of this dream team! And I hope you all enjoy it!

[the-acid-pear]

I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

[barblaz-arts]

Stephanie Beatrice had played my 3 favorite characters (Rosa Mirabel and Vaggie) and since I watched Encanto and B99 I have my head canon that Vaggie have both Rosa and Mirabel personalities.

Any way, I just want to know what is your head canon or theory about her? ( specifically about Lute calling her weak and why the other exorcist hate her)

Since she is your girl, I would love to read your essay about her.(I’m joking you don’t have to write that much I just like to read your post)

Thank you

"My girl"... Am I just "that one artist who's the biggest Vaggie stan" to you guys? (I won't mind it!)

Oh man! I do have some ideas! A lot of my headcanons were already kinda sorta mentioned in my fic/art tho, so sorry if you're not getting a lot of new info

- I have this headcanon that Vaggie's always been "softer" than the other Exorcists, which is what I assume Lute meant when she said she "always knew [Vaggie] was weak". I know it probably has more to do with how little time each episode has, but what if Lute was so ready, already behind Vaggie when she let that kid go, because she knew this wasn't the first time Vaggie spared a sinner? Maybe that was just the first time Lute actually caught her. Maybe she's always had her suspicions, when Vaggie's kill count would lower every year, and she'd sometimes find Vaggie saying a sinner got away somehow despite cornering that demon moments ago.

- although she's gotten used enough to her lack of depth perception when it comes to her hand eye coordination, especially when fighting, i like to think her reading ability could never truly go back to the way it used to be, so she has trouble reading/ writing/texting (if you notice, i always showed instances of this in my fic ;> )But because she's the hotel manager she still has to deal with them because of paperwork and shit, so she has prescription glasses that help. I'd wanted to include a scene in the First Guest where Vaggie almost cries after seeing Charlie thru the glasses for the first time, because she didn't think Charlie could be any more beautiful, but i scrapped the idea because I couldn't expand the concept enough to an actual scene that could be relevant to the overall fic. I probably should have just mentioned it in a paragraph or something, but by the time i remembered id already posted the chapter I intended to add it in. Maybe I'll use it for another fic.

- she prefers femme clothing so she doesn't really have a reason to do this, but she learned how to do all kinds of ties so that she could do Charlie's whenever

- she grew her hair to compensate for her lost wings

- she wasn't exactly a great cook before she Fell, but she was pretty capable when she lived alone in Heaven. Cooking for Charlie tho gave her the motivation to get better and actually enjoy it

- an angel trait that she could never truly abandon is being a stickler for rules. She's very strict on everyone and herself with these things, within reason. So even when she and Charlie started dating, she insisted that they can't sleep together until they've had their third date. When they're on the clock, they have to be professional and avoid flirtatious advances in front of staff and guests. Charlie didn't mind because she prefers privacy too.

- Vaggie's physical appearance slightly changed gradually the longer she stayed in hell. As an angel, her sclera was paler, her incisors duller, and her skin grayer. But as time passed, her sclera got more and more peach/pink, fangs sharper, and skin more purple toned

- i still like to think that Vaggie's old backstory back when only the pilot was out (having died in 2014 in her early twenties who worked as a sex worker in El Salvador) was still true. Maybe it's just because I've liked Chaggie since pilot, and I've grown really attached to that backstory. I also just really don't want Vaggie to be Heavenborn for some reason. Among the cast she just seems the most grounded to reality to me, so having her revealed to have never been human and born "divine" just doesn't seem right to me. I also just think it'd be cute and funny if it turns out she's chronologically the youngest in the hotel even tho she's basically everyone's strict not-mom.

- idgaf what Adam says, I wanna think that "Vaggie" is short for "Evangeline". I used to have these 2 coworkers in their late 50's to 60's who had Evangeline as their government name, but one of them goes by "Vanj" and the other "Vajee". Being older Filipino women who aren't really too fluent in English, they never thought there was anything wrong with that when they grew up with their nicknames. I like to think that the case was the same if Vaggie used to be human. I'm not sure how common English is in El Salvador, but I'm willing to bet it's possible she could have been given that nickname as a kid by an older family member who didn't know a lot of English. Also Evangeline makes more sense to have been the name of an angel cmon now...

[captainbobbin]

xemnas at the start of left foot over the right is portrayed as fairly solidly evil, but gets more humanized as time goes on. i know it's reflective of the characters' perspectives, but did you as an author also find your thoughts on him coming around as you had to puzzle out how and why he works? i was wondering because i love complicated/confused/slightly desperate portrayals of xemnas and yours really nails it

I have a lot of thoughts and I often find myself juggling which ideas I want to put forward at a certain time. Gonna do a readmore as I am a rambly bitch putting out personal thoughts.

I've always really loved Xemnas, I've always seen him as a very tragic, hollowed-out, complicated guy. There are a lot of portrayals of him (often in AkuSai fics and such) where he is straight up 100% evil, like arched fingers maniacal laugh cruel for cruelty's sake pure Master Xehanort levels of evil. And while I can certainly see why people would want to show that side of him (and I willingly admit that I do do that myself to an extent, I don't do him many favours, especially in the beginning), I ultimately want Xemnas to come across as someone who, yes, did horrible terrible things, but the more time we spend with him (or, thinking about him thru Isa's pov mainly, so to speak) the more we really chip into how Isa sees Xemnas' mindset. I want, over time, for Xemnas to go from an outright hated villain who is just perpetually loathed to a nuanced and intricate character that we only see the aftermath of. Isa spent time with him, sees different facets of him, understands aspects to both Xemnas in ways that Terra and the others and the audience don't. He understands that being a Nobody changes people, let alone being a Nobody that then has Xehanort put into them, and Isa recognises as well that Xemnas didn't even have memories of humanity to fall back on for reference or guidance or anything. Xemnas had nothing but a grand plan that he was made to carry out, no attachments, no humanity, no morals to consider. He's the most Nobody of all Nobodies. Of course it makes sense for him to come across as outright evil and cold and removed.

But Isa spent so long with him. Saw him at weak times, saw him at indulgent times, saw him in moments where perhaps the slightest trickle of doubt crept in from somewhere. Over the years, do you think that the Terra parts of Xemnas grew louder and harder to ignore, or do you think they slowly died and grew quiet? How much can you consider Xemnas his own person? He wasn't even a person at all. From an outsider looking in, Xemnas is a cruel slate of unfeeling nothingness, he's just a body cocooned with darkness that wants his own way. But Saix grew to know him. Hell, Xemnas began at nearly twenty years old and lived for ten, he grew, physically, and Saix with him. Imagine how much a person can potentially change in a decade, for better or for worse.

I was at a funeral recently. Had to be around my biological family. I am entirely estranged from them. Purposefully. There was a lot of... neglect, and manipulation, and denial, and to an extent abuse in many forms. I am better without them in my life. I am happier now, able to look at the things they do and find it predictable and obvious and stupid. But sometimes when I look at them, when I think of things they did to me, part of my brain justifies things. They probably did xyz because of circumstances. Maybe it isnt as bad as I remember. Maybe I had just been an especially shitty annoying child to be around. Things could have happened in a certain way because of influences from the environment. Maybe they didn't know better. Maybe they didn't know at all. Maybe the things I did and were dealing with wasn't worth noticing to them. They had their own problems, and I should've been better. They're human, and everyone makes mistakes, and there are things I've said and done that have probably hurt people too. Maybe I was to blame. Maybe I should have changed sooner. Maybe they made me this way, and maybe I made them that way.

Having lived through long periods of time around people that aim to control you leaves you with a lot of doubts, and makes you question yourself often. There are a lot of complicated thoughts when it comes to the way people affected your history. Surviving is tricky, and to be honest it isn't just surviving in the moment but its the memory of it that stays with you and hangs around which is the hardest to work around sometimes. Being the victim of many different kinds of negative influence for a prolonged amount of time leaves someone second guessing everything they do. It makes someone try and justify things. It makes someone miss bad things, just because those bad things are what they are used to. Everyone has the capacity to do horrible things, and everyone has the ability to do very good things. I think what shows the true nature of a person is whether or not they desire to be better - and whether they're willing to take the steps needed to become better. Introspection is something that I think is very very prevalent in my writing, because I cannot imagine being someone that does not overthink every action I take and word I say and thing I do, because I was raised to consider how everyone else around me feels and that I must cater to that and not myself.

I have some memory issues due to all of that - I repeatedly go over what I've written to make sure I've maintained consistency, and overall I'm pretty happy with Xemnas. I want there to be a pathetic undertone to him for sure, but I very much wanted him to start off as this monolithic figure that caused dread and discomfort.

To me, lfotr is about healing. It's about looking a situation you were put in and coming to balance how much of the onus was on you, and how much of the onus was on the people doing things to you. Its about moving forward but still taking time to look back here and there. Its about looking at the distance and finding some peace in how many steps have been taken.

Xemnas, to me, has always been a complicated, grey figure. He's interesting and layered and for a man that is supposed to be empty, its that emptiness that is so fascinating. If you had no memories of a person you were supposed to be, what would you become? If no one had intervened, if he'd been given no plan, if he had started out entirely alone, where would he have gone, what would he have done? Why exactly does he do the things he does in lfotr?

I want Xemnas to absolutely come across as indifferent and calculated and greedy, especially in the beginning and especially from Terra's initial pov, but as time goes on and Isa thinks more, and we delve more into Terra's 'memories', I really wanted hidden depths of Xemnas to come through. He's confused, he's conflicted, he wants and he doesn't know if wanting is an emotion and he's on a time limit but for now he is in charge so he could just have what he wants but what does that mean and why isn't it working the way he thought it would? He's heartless and hollowed but he's riddled with longing and yearns desperately for something he does not know, he's a scientist and scholar and master manipulator but he's nineteen and naive and just wants his friends back, he's inhuman and selfish but he looks at Saix and wants what he has, wants him all to himself, wants him forever and can't comprehend why or even what.

He can't become anything. He doesn't have the capacity to change, even if he wanted to - does he want to? does he want to want to? - and he has to stand back and look at the short life he has been given through ambivalent eyes, seeing Nobodyism objectively and everything is just a means to an end and everything in this nonexistence is a tool to be used and he just has to do what he was meant to do. But maybe some part of Terra is within him, or maybe he has just enough distant humanity in him somewhere that the lines blur, and over time we catch more and more little glimpses of that facade just starting to crack. It never completely breaks - he never really changes - but little aspects of something new bleed through just now and then. Enough to make someone second guess.

I always really wanted Xemnas to be a figure of interest in lfotr. Truthfully, the series was originally gonna be much shorter; I wasn't going to have any of Isa's side of the story in once Terra left, and I was going to cap it at 13 chapters. We're looking at approximately triple that now. I absolutely always wanted Xemnas to haunt the story and be this shadow that looms over both Terra and Isa, he's both a driving force that makes them move and this cursed rope that binds them together. Continuing to work on lfotr has allowed me to expand more on my thoughts on Xem, but really I always want him to seem very tragic and complex. As time goes on and different ideas come to me and certain angles take my interest more, I think naturally my writing does kind of alter around that, but thats just how it is when writing a longer fic that comes out in instalments. Little changes happen over time and certain angles take precedence - now and then I do go back to previous chapters both to rekindle my original thoughts but also to make tiny adjustments just to ensure everything flows nicely. Over the months (and now years, god;) I have picked certain aspects of him to present more to the audience, but in general I really want the fic to feel like its about his aftermath. Its the consequences of his poor choices. I've always really wanted Isa and Terra's process of grief to be the focus over Xemnas, but yeah as I've written more he really has snuck into things more and more :)

He really is a character that I love in totality so I hope that overall it doesn't seem that I ever write him out of a place of hatred, or that I'm simply using him as a blanket bad-guy stepping stool just to make moonrocks happen. I think he is just such an integral part to the KH story over all but also specifically to Terra and Isa and outside of AUs I can't really imagine the two of them not bonding over how Xemnas was such a big part of them for so long. Xemnas is just so special to me, he's a rich character that has a lot of room for exploration, and I intend to keep gently shaking him and see what falls out of those cracks.

If it is of any interest, I do try to write all of my Xemnas' with a similar amount of grandiose and layered thoughts and distant doomed ideals, so if you do vibe with the way I do my lfotr Xemnas, you may also like how I write him in my oneshots. Obviously in those I don't have quite the same amount of time to expand on my ideas for him since lfotr is literally like half a million words long lmao but the flavours I cook with are often similar haha

thank you so much for asking me stuff, it is always such a treat to talk about writing and I really appreciate that you've been enjoying my work ^^

[horce-divorce]

Update for interested parties: the last few days were frought, the situation in Wisconsin was not what we had hoped it would be at all once we got here, and it ended up not working out. Too many people with not enough space and too many clashing needs. it ended up feeling very unsafe for everyone.

We're staying with a different friend instead now, and today their mom/owner of the property not only said we could stay here for the winter if we need to, but also was scheming to try and find us a pop-up trailer this morning which we were totally blown away by, she's wonderful. We still want the kind of mobility where we could take off again at a moments notice, so I'm sorting that out, but we're with friends and thankfully not in a rush to leave again anytime soon.

i'm not sure if a camper is what we'll end up with. It isn't quite as stealthy as i'd like (if we need to urban camp at all it doesnt really work), but it would certainly add a lot of space and be more than doable, and Bel really liked the idea. If that doesn't work out, I'll look at trading our current vehicle for a used camper van in a comparable price range. I've never done that before but I have time to do research.

Thanks to the donations this week, we were able to fill the tank and get Bels meds on the way out here, which was such a huge relief. That gives us at least another month to try to find a prescriber for another refill. We also got a great haul from the food pantry out here, which was fun because the lady we're staying with actually runs it and it's inside an abandoned building.

the pantry was already in the building when it wasn't abandoned. my friend's mom took it over and was allowed to keep it in its original space, but everyone else moved out. My friend had the keys, so they took us in thru the back and this series of totally unlit, crowded corridors with random appliances, furniture, books and clothes, all of it donated. it was one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. I asked to go back to take more pictures, which is why the 2nd pic is lit better.

Their house is also really cool. It's an old farmhouse, much bigger, with fewer people here, and we have a proper room upstairs rather than in an unfinished basement. there's a super comfy bed in here, too. I actually haven't had back pain in the morning here, for the first time since my surgery in May!

Also, absolutely wild shit in the world of drugs: nary a weed dealer to be found in this area, because delta 8 has completely taken over the market. I was deeply unimpressed when I tried it a few years ago, but my friend got us a live resin hhc/cbd/cbg/thcp cartridge and........... I am stoned. Like PROPERLY stoned. I haven't been this properly stoned since like 2013. It does kinda give me a headache, but it also helps the pain and gives me munchies and helps me sleep just like real weed. I even remembered my dreams a bit better than with d9.

Anyway I'm very grateful for my queer community today, for my friends mom who has come to my rescue more times than my own mom, and for everyone who's been invested, sending us money, advice, locations to scope out, items, and links; everyone who's been reblogging; and even everyone who's just listening to us talk and post, watching quietly from the sidelines.

We still have to go retrieve the rest of our stuff from the last place (on Monday), and things always change in an instant. We still have a lot of complex feelings, and this week was especially hard for Bellamy. He's never been through all this before this year, and the 19th was the anniversary of his worst trauma, losing the only good and loving person in his life 6 years ago. To be kicked out specifically on that anniversary was brutal. it made me wish I'd never brought him here. I really thought we'd be better off with that friend than on our own for the winter, and I made a mistake.

But we will still be okay. For now, we aren't alone, we're with good friends in a safe place, we've got food and meds and gas. We even have another place to stay if we change our minds. We check in with each other and process our feelings multiple times per day. It's still hard to get used to coming and going all the time; we stay in one place just long enough to get comfy and then we take off again, which is never long enough form a routine. So we're trying to learn how to do that for ourselves, based on our own needs, rather than around the location. But we're getting used to that, and each other's habits. When I go out to the car for supplies it smells like home in there.

It's hard feeling like we don't belong anywhere, like strangers care more about our wellbeing than our actual families. My dad did give us the car, and six months of insurance. He even renewed my license for me. But neither of my parents checks in on me, asks where we are or how we're doing. My mom seems to be getting more reactionary in her old age; not only did my transition cause a rift between us, she's now doubling down on trying to "cure" my autistic cousin when she knows that for both of us (and for Bel), our autism is a source of pride. She knows my disabilities and neurodivergence are what started this housing instability 10 years ago. She knows my health has been worsening. She doesn't text or call. All of you following this story on here know more about how and where we are than she does.

But times like this show us who our real friends and family are, and it's not the people who've left us to our own devices out here. It's everyone who's been stepping in to ask, "How are you doing? Can I send you anything? Do you need to talk? I love you. I want you to make it." The random guy we met hiking who never told us his name but who told us, "I hope you guys thrive. I really do." It's everyone who's sent us another $10 for our supplies because I haven't spent long enough in one spot to get any work done. It's the people who have never even met us before who offered to take Bel's cats indefinitely, or to let us come stay with them across the country. It's everyone who's pitching together to buy us more time when we need it. Everyone who sees us and bears witness and feels something about it.

At the end of the day, we sort of are choosing this lifestyle; if we wanted out, we would have to stay in one place longer than winter, get jobs, save money, find our own housing. But we kind of don't. Despite the hardships, despite what this journey is revealing about ourselves and the people we thought we could trust, we feel like it suits us to live out of the car. We go where we want, when we want. We don't have to answer to anyone else's schedule. If we want to go south or west when it's cold and visit our friends, all we need is the gas money and the OK to come over. We love the woods and we love living out there. It feels distant and lonely sometimes, but so right. We like getting to bounce around and meet each other's people. We want to see the old growth and the redwoods and the mountains and the seaside and the grand canyon. We want to go to Cuba and Vietnam and Iceland and Denmark. Maybe our health won't allow for us to do absolutely everything we want, but working underpaid jobs and paying rent absolutely won't allow for it. We have a better chance at our dreams now. We can lose our place to stay again and be fine and just keep going; it's not the end of the world. It's what we planned on doing, anyway. No big deal.

Living in the car has already allowed us to do more and have more adventures in just 3 months than we did in 2 whole years of us both being housed. We do have a lot to process emotionally and there's a lot on our plates; it's hard, and we do need a lot of help. It's not always good. Not having access to the internet when we're running out of money and gas and food; not having anywhere to bathe; having to go long distances to collect water even when we're not feeling well; losing things because i put them in the wrong place and drove off; that doesn't even begin to scratch on converting the car for stealth camping, choosing our routes and places to scope for campsites in new areas, or trying to figure out which supplies would actually be more helpful and cost effective in the long run.

But it's still not really any worse than the rat race to stay employed and be good renters. It's just different. And after 10 years of housing instability, and waiting for something to change, it hasn't. I'm growing more and finding more peace by just leaning into it. Trauma and bullshit never ends. Life doesn't ever stop for you so you can think about what just happened; there's never gonna be a perfect, calm time for you to digest everything and then move on strengthened and changed for the next main event. You have to learn how to do all that and keep living no matter what bullshit is ongoing. That's what "rolling with the punches" means. The punches dont stop, you learn to expect them, you move with them. I cant put my life on hold just because I'm homeless. It's not stopping me from doing the things I want. It's not stopping me from being the kind of guy I aim to be, or from making the kinds of choices i want. My life before did that.

Tl;dr thank you for all your help and concern this week, we made it to a different space and are taking some time to breathe. We are feeling more than a bit bruised, this week has been awfully triggering, but we also feel very held right now and we have space to calm down. For another few days at least, it's gonna be okay.

✨️🛸✌️

[jisungshotfirst]

Levanter anon: sounds like SM Entertainment is having a chaotic time once again.

On a more lighthearted note, if you look at the graph of SM stock prices going down, it looks like a cat now. 'Tis the EXO-dus cat!

But jokes aside: what will happen to EXO now? How many group members would be left in the company (assuming the don't also leave after the first group of members)? Where will the leaving members go?

Also, will this affect other SM groups? I am not the most familiar with them, but I hear SM groups are very interconnected, with NCT and Superm and everything. So will other groups have members leaving?

Hello!! they sure are hahahhaha

omg we love<3 jfjfdj exo's legacy :')

So there currently Chanyeol, Sehun, Kai, Kyungsoo, Suho and Lay are still contracted with SM. Chen, Baekhyun, and Minseok are still in exo of the moment - they've left the company not the group and so unless there's official word after all the legal stuff that they've left the group - they are still in the group! the contracts will be them individually contracted as SM artists, not as members of EXO so they don't lose that when the contracts gone until SM declare it. Sehun... is unpredicatable so i can't say anything for sure 😭 but he is basically sitting back atm with popcorn watching it go down so i imagine that whatever the outcome he will step up and try something himself hahah the others i truly don't know! Kai fucked off to the military right as the drama's happening so we won't get his news for a while 😭 the contracts are kinda frozen/extended over military enlistment periods i've noticed so he won't be doing anything until it's over. The leaving members are very likely going to go get signed to other labels/ set up their own ! i can imagine they have a plan, and considering they're suing together at once i can imagine they have a plan together! it would be great for us fans to have them sign to the same company but you gotta remember this is their first free decision about their career they've prob ever gotten so they should go with what they want individually and find companies that will suit them and work well with them<3

oki so I think there's a lot that could happen if u compare it to other groups! they could definitely do a got7 where they are in different companies focusing on solo stuff but manage to do a full-member comeback by organising it themselves between all their companies (if only once or twice </3). Or you could look at snsd. snsd came back through SM but 3 (?) of the members aren't under SM anymore - it was just something arranged between all companies involved and i can imagine that the non-SM girls got well compensated 😭 but yeah - something like that could happen if there's some relationship between the members and SM... which doesn't seem particularly likely considering the lawsuits but anyways it's a possibility hahaha!

about other SM groups! it will be affecting poor taeyong trying to promote his solo atm thru all this drama 😭 and as you said about the stock prices - that does inhibit the other groups. However, if they win the lawsuit, one can only hope that would encourage better artist treatment and fairer payout around the whole company!! and if SM don't do it themselves, the other artists would have tonnes of info on how to beat SM in a lawsuit 😭 so we can hope they use it well<3 but yeah - the icky thing about companies is that although they are all artists with similar contracts, the treatment and payout could be extremely different between all the groups :(( and within the same group (read: luhan and tao lol). and good old misogyny when it comes to rv<3 so each SM artist could have a different experience and some could have it much worse than others.

okay so i just read some articles and it's so funny djfgjjdfgj what i'm understanding is.. cbx were like 'yo can u provide us with the info on how we've been paid for 12-13 years' and sm are like 'no. i don't want to.' and sm are CONVINCED that some other evil company leaders have been talking to exo and getting them to sign with them and illegally go against their SM contracts. which very much could be true but it's not illegal to have discussions with other employers jgjdfg and SM are still like 'we have your best interests at heart, not those evil outsiders!'. ... they r so funny fkgkd. also their contracts were literally 12-13 years long... not the usual 7 recommended by the government.... and the contracts they r terminating were written in nov/dec 2022 and were extending them another 5/6 years...and SM's current defence is "no ur lawyer doesn't know the law properly we aren't in the wrong".. so .... unless some miracle is pulled I don't see SM coming out of this well since they're not rly cooperating at all.

but yeah.. i don't see a swarm of artists leaving SM happening, mostly because a lot of them won't have the luxury as EXO have to do that. And especially if they're also stuck in 13 year contracts... which is ridiculous. so yeah :(( but we can hope they get better treament!! and soz to any superm fans if there are any of you 😭 superm is a done thing i'm afraid</3 lucas flopped, baekhyun's suing and then it'd just be taemin in an Nct unit KJFGKFJGK. so yeah no more superm. but nct will prob truck on - they are SM's priority there's no denying it so they'll prob be fine. tho they are tragically suffering with the loss of sungtaro so like... </3 rip to them but infinite Nct flopped to me the second sungtaro left, like no one else matters</3

[purplesurveys]

1845

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? I feel like a fool remembering how I thought Saturday was going to be a rest day, because today has been everything but. Before this survey, we went to pick up paint for my sister's room; I went to my dentist appointment; dropped by Feliz to get ensaymadas my mom needed to pick up; three different drive-thrus because by lunch we were all starving, only to be met by super long lines so we just gave up; then had homemade lunch at home.

Now it's 4:12 PM and I hardly have a weekend left because we'll still need to go to church tonight, then I have an all-day event for work tomorrow + a wrestling show to attend in the evening.

Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I do, because it's a gated subdivision. The moment I step outside of the village and into the main highway might be a different story.

Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? No, we like keeping the house tidy. Even at its messiest I'd say it'd still be considered relatively clean. A lot of households I've been to are super cluttered so I'm lucky my family didn't fall under that trap.

Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? If you were fluent in every language surely that includes animal ones? < There we go, haha.

Does your kitchen have a pantry? Yes.

Do you live below your means? Or do you spend every penny you have? I live below it because after three years of doing exactly the opposite and spending money as long as I have it, I finally learned how unhealthy and unsustainable it is. I hardly touch my earnings now and my biggest current vice is just spending on food because I don't know how to cook.

What are some foods you enjoy cooking? I don't know how to cook and can't see myself enjoying it.

Have you ever watched Battlestar Galactica? Nope.

Can others often tell what you’re feeling by your facial expressions? Yeah I'm pretty transparent but that's also because I don't like keeping things in. If I'm happy you'll know it, if I'm pissed people will definitely recognize it.

Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? Yes, it's a regular part of my role.

Did you ever skip class when you were in school? If so, was there a particular class that you skipped the most? I couldn't skip class because my mom liked seeing us off hahaha. If I did choose to be absent, it was with her permission.

In your opinion, what is it that makes someone a good person? Doing things with compassion and sincerity. I really look up to people who can be genuine at all times.

Are you happy with the life you’re living? It's mostly okay, but there are things I still wish could be different.

How do your political beliefs compare to those of your parents? I lean on the left-wing and my parents are neutral more than anything, but that said I wouldn't say we clash. They just don't care for the most part.

What do you think of the Baby Boomer generation? Ruins most things, but maybe that's just my experience with Filipino boomers. Insufferable.

Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? I've probably done that before.

Are you high-maintenance? In some aspects but I wouldn't say it's my entire personality as I can be lax about other things.

What was the last non-fiction book you read? AJ Lee's autobiography.

Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No.

Are you able to crack any of your joints? Can't.

What’s your favorite movie genre? Drama and thriller.

What’s something that’s been on your mind a lot lately? My future at my workplace, saving up for a place to live, saving up for my US trip ten years down the line to fulfill my childhood dream of going to Wrestlemania. As for short-term – my birthday! Hahaha.

What was the last thing someone asked you for advice on? My mom asked me to help pick out a shade for my sister's room as she was still asleep when we went to the store and we needed to go by her request which was simply 'off-white' lol.

Have you ever kissed 3 or more people in the same day? No.

What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? It's harmless if it's like one ticket. Just don't let it become an obsession.

What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Wedding videos.

Are you a very detail-oriented person? Or are you better at seeing the big picture? Details. I need them.

Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? We've talked about Korea in 2025 but we'll see how that pans out. I'm definitely committed to prepare for it but I don't think they're at that point yet.

What was the last picture message you received, and from whom? Just something from work.

Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? No.

What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? We didn't have a lot. My fondest memories were going to the arcade and booking staycations in hotels, but even then they all mean a lot in their own ways.

What color suits you more: teal or black? I'd say black.

What continent do you live on? Asia.

[compressednerve]

Nice to see another scratchalan fan! I was hoping I could hear your hopes and thoughts for Alan wake 2? I’m just hoping we get to see plenty of scratch I’ve seen some speculate he’s gonna be a main villain which sounds great to me :3c ✨

Thank you so much for this ask!! *ScratchAlan is the only ship to be ALIVE for., fellow crazy!!!! Hell fucking yeah!!! We needa make some room for AlanScratch tho, I want to write more Top! Alan because it turns me on. I have a feeling we're gonna see so much Mr. Scratch in AW2 that we might even get sick of him. I don't necessarily want him to be The Main Villain of it in the traditional sense... Mr. Scratch is, ultimately, just another side of Alan... And Alan has *many* sides! >:) We see just a taste of how many Alan's there are from The Signal/The Writer when he can't stop fracturing into further self-persecution. I hope to see lots of different Alan's made manifest, like the Teen Titans "Raven OSDD-1a" episode (shout out to my epic partner @parasitefun for showing me that fucking smash hit).

I have a lot of high hopes and fondness in my heart for Remedy and the development process they've been doing. I was a big fan of Alan Wake in 2013 and I did a looot of RP even in 2015-2017. Crazy shit! I kinda fell off the face of the Earth for a while tho. I've never played Quantum Break, and me and Paras are working thru Control together right now (we're in the Maintenance Sector and it just finished doing the Burn The Trash quest).

We spent most of May/June working thru Alan Wake and we have sooo many things to say on it that we're polishing up because it's such a dense story!! So transitioning from working thru AW with a fine tooth comb, to Control which is like four times the size of AW and has *that* much more to work thru, has been a real treat! Remedy sure knows how to make a good fucking story! It's like a croissant with many, many, many laminated layers to turn around in my head. I'm good at recognizing voice actors, so it made my head explode to realize Matthew Poretta played Darling, and James Mcaffrey played Trench. Like, omfg!! And every new realization along the way that links Control to AW. Just a real treat!

All that being said, I've seen a lot of posts along the lines of like, "Where's Alice!@!!! Where's Barry!!!!!!!" and it's like, will I be disappointed if they are underplayed...? yes. Do I worry that that's a possibility, at all? ...only a little bit! I want to put my faith into Remedy's ability to make this a good story. They've been chipping away at it for 13+ years, after all, and if I remember correctly, The Alan Wake Experience since 2000? As in the conception and development of AW1? So, 23 years entirely... that's a long time to be rotating the same Boy around. AW1 was a masterpiece IMO, a many-layered sandwich of nuance and metaphor, paradoxes within paradoxes... I think AW2 is gonna really surprise all of us.

Alan Wake 2, I'm super curious about what they do with it, and hopefully Mr. Scratch *and* Alan both get room to breathe. I think they will, and I'm so, so intrigued about what they're gonna do with Saga! It seems pretty ambitious for Remedy to do a multi-protagonist storyline like this, and their cheeky insistence that you can play it however you want, there's no wrong way to play, makes me worried. I hope more than anything that they didn't dumb down certain world-building elements (I'm blown away at how we went from TVs, radio show0,s and manuscripts in AW1 to the sheer amount of multi-media that went into Control).

I have in some degrees some fairly bad brain damage that inhibits a lot of my abilities to comprehend certain things, and yet, everything about the way the world-building environment contributes to a Greater Understnding of a Remedy Game that most people tend to ignore or outright complain about! Oh, the TV ruins the pacing, oh I didn't wanna have to stand here listening to someone talk I wanna run around and shoot things, oh boo I didn't like how many manuscripts i had to pick up. It's a little tedious, yes, and it breaks the Pacing Of The Literal Game up a little bit yes, but!!! It's excruciatingly important to the story!! It's a ROLE PLAYING GAME!!! YOU HAVE TO ROLE PLAY OMFG!!!!!! (still salty over how Zero Punctuation reviewed these games considering how fucking detectivey they are).

So anyways all of that being said, I hope that Alan Wake 2 is stuffed to the BRIM with multi-media. I hope we get SICK of manuscripts and casettes and pictures with captions and TV episodes and radio shows and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I hope Saga and Alan have a lot of crazy shit go down with each other because they're also very shippable. I hope Alex Casey calls Alan a shitty writer because he's one of the only obvious "HI, I'M A BOOK CHARACTER INVENTED BY ALAN WAKE. I'M VERY MAD. ABOUT BEING CREATED BY ALAN WAKE."

Ideally I would have played all the Remedy games to be caught up by now on more of the AW2 hype and analysis, because I wish I had more things to say! But because I haven't finished Control or QB yet, I'm trying to stay away from stuff that technically spoils Control just by virtue of being in the AW-verse.

*this is technically a lie because I'm actually a huge multshipper :k lel catch me on ao3 writing about the most bizarre AW pairings just you fuckin wait

[cheswirls]

ok i def have decided i need to rewatch the finale to get a good consensus but after browsing the show's tag (granted this is 2 days after the finale aired so i understand the immediate hype has died down and people have had time to digest and criticize the show as a whole) and being met w a lot of long commentary posts instead of content for the finale i wanted to see (gifs, art, etc) i'm gonna attempt to formulate my thoughts in more detail before doing anything else

largely i do not think anyone's criticism matters to me but it was interesting to see the difference in opinion and a lot of the same critical beats i've seen repeated over and over bother me so (this is in no way a response to anyone btw!!!) here's my two cents:

jellyfish can't swim at night was good. i liked it! but there's a difference between good and great, and the same for liking and loving a show. i know that it was very entertaining and i had a lot of fun watching every episode, but i also didn't think about it much until it was saturday again and a new ep was out.

when i wrote that other post-finale thoughts post i had to look up kiui and kimura's names. i had to make sure meru was the correct girl i was thinking of. there's no denying i enjoyed the show, but i also think that joy was limited to when i was watching it. when i get super into an anime, i have no trouble memorizing everyone's names. the character designs in this anime are all unique and creative while still being in the scope of real-world possible. i say this to highlight that no one looked the same and yet i still struggled to remember everyone's given names, and it didn't help that most of the main cast each had a legal and stage name!

the show being Just Good isn't a problem, btw. it was never meant to be ground-breaking or tell this fantastic tale, after all. it's always been a show about teenage girls making music, and that's completely fine! actually, i didn't even look at it thru yuri-tinted glasses until the 5th episode and hadn't considered anything else beyond that at all (re, kiui possibly being nb). i said before that i was a little sad that kano/mahiru never went anywhere, but after soaking in the (limited) opinions of the masses, i changed my mind: i think it's fine.

largely why i think the finale was okay despite being rushed is that it left everything on a good note. i didn't even realize ep12 was the last until the title card, and yea i do think the narrative could've benefited from a 2-cour season or even a 13th episode, but the way things ended wasn't bad by any means. the point (imo) was to establish things getting better and wrapping up what was left uncertain or was at least not good. by 'not good' i mean not happy, etc. the finale certainly did this and i think it was pulled off rather well! but only because this anime is what it is. the story the creators wanted to tell was accomplished, the most important beats were closed out, and all ends well :)

my main takeaway abt all the yuri "bait" is that i've decided that i don't think of it as bait anymore. the anime in full takes place over the last year of high school for these four girls, and it ends with them graduating and getting ready to pursue their own paths in life. it's a happy, uplifting sorta open-ended, and i appreciate that. these four have found themselves and have worked through some of the issues in their lives that were holding them each back. now they have to get out into the world and explore their lives further. it's great! it's great, and i like that it ended this way. there's no need for absolutely everything to get wrapped up because it's not over! as shown with the montage in the very end, things are still moving forward, just beginning.

it's been a bit and i might be misremembering, but i think the kano/mahiru kiss in ep5 was the first kiss for one of them. it was impulsive and they didn't really talk about it, but i don't think it just "went nowhere" because of everything that followed. they're still on really good terms and they went out (i think one of them explicitly used the term 'date' when they did) and at the end i've decided that it's okay that nothing was explicitly defined. that implies to me that they're both figuring out what they want, and it's something either or both of them will have to grow into. there's a vast difference between queer bait and between putting a pin in a thought/idea. it goes along very well with the anime's open ending for me too.

the first two years after i graduated high school were easily the most pivotal years of my life. i learned so much about myself, and it's largely because of the different environment i was in. now that the four main characters are out of that life (even if only free from social stigma by not being highschool age anymore - kano and kiui weren't in school much but it is still something they can put behind them) and have more freedom to be able to do what they want (even if it just means not being trapped in school for 8+ hrs a day) then they will all definitely begin to change as people, more than the show has already expanded upon. and that is so exciting to me!!

another point abt the open-end is that i think from what i've seen, it's that aspect of the finale that's getting criticized. it's fine to not like open-endings! but they are legit forms of storytelling, and it's not "bad writing" to not tie everything in a pretty bow. to me, after watching the finale, the point of it ending the way it did was to highlight that none of the four main characters' stories are over. the vibe of this show was never supposed to be 100% serious and i think "teasing" mahiru and kano's relationship was meant to plant a seed of the possibility in each of their minds. not liking open-endings is not valid criticism for saying the entire show is terrible and the finale was bad. everyone can have their preferences, but the anime was never supposed to be groundbreaking plot-wise or content-wise and i think having a stigma against it in full bc it didn't feature what you wanted it to is stupid and childish. it showed a snapshot (not even a full year!!!!! c'mon now) in the lives of four different people and did a good enough job of navigating all of them in the runtime it got. not every anime has to be 100% conclusive and this is definitely a good example of such.

[notebookmusical]

Hi!!!! I'm so sorry I didn't reply again until now. I wanted to reply the other day but basically my ask got deleted halfway thru replying and I didn't have time again until now. I'm so glad you had a great time at the movie. It seems like you had a lot of fun and i'm glad you were able to see it again. I expected there not to be a lot of people at the last show since it was so late and it was an added show on Thursday. It did make me wanna see it again just to experience it with other people but I don't know if I will. I hope it comes to streaming so I can watch it over and over. I loved noticing new things seeing it up close. What did your friend think of the whole show? Sometimes I forget how incredible it is how Taylor created and came up with it mostly by herself..a true mastermind! I'm grateful that I was able to go to the show at least once compared to the people that didn't. It did make me nostalgic for my show but I also loved the surprise songs cuz it was like how the fans that have been there from the beginning since Our Song to now with You're On Your own Kid just made it special. Aww she really put it on and said it was her favorite!!! I knew about the cut songs beforehand but my sister didn't and it took her some time to realize any were cut. I understand some of them cuz it didn't have choreography and I guess the movie maybe felt a little long but also everything went by fast too. But that was the one that hurt the most cuz its one of my favorites. It's also the only single from the album so I couldn't believe she cut it. I love them all but my favorites are probably Speak Now and Folklore too, along with rep.

I never listened to Renee's EP cuz I was waiting until her album but I do plan to hear them together probably next week. The few songs I've heard so far I've liked though. I have to give Holly's album a few more listens as well before I know my favorites but which ones did you like the best? I also enjoyed Boygenius as well. Ya I am curious about the movie version but I'm not excited about it or anything. I don't think it would change much from the stage version, but I'm happy it's at least people kinda from Broadway. I never saw anything from Sabrina if she ever was on Broadway, cuz I can't remember..but I agree..she could've been a great Cady. I remember the stunt cast for Cameron Dallas and apparently he was so bad lol. I'm sorry you didn't get to see it on Broadway but I might see it on tour in a few months to compare it to the movie. I also heard a Waitress proshot is coming soon so I'm probably more interested in seeing that, cuz I couldn't on tour.

So one of the reasons I didn't reply to you was cuz we went to see Les Mis last night!!! We were trying to go on Wednesday but it didn't work out so I didn't wanna tell you I was seeing it if I wasn't sure I could go. But it was so amazing and probably top 5 shows I've seen. I would want to go again to have better seats and cuz there was a lot going on, on stage, that I missed. It was really funny though cuz I hadn't thought of the musical in a while but of course I still knew all of the words haha. It felt really fast paced and I wish I could've paid more attention or soaked it in more..that was kinda my first time seeing a sung through show, so it was a good thing I knew it so well lol. My favorite parts were I Dreamed a Dream, The Confrontation, Stars, and One Day More, but I really loved the flow of Act One. The barricade scenes were good too, but the set was pretty dark which made it kinda hard to see. Of course I thought of you every time they said Cosette! And I noticed it was a lot haha. Anyway I also remembered I saw Moulin Rouge on tour almost the exact same day last year which is a crazy coincidence! I only know that cuz it was around when Midnights came out..which is today and I wanna know how you feel about it when it first came out compared to now. I think it's grown on me a lot and I do love it way more now. I can't believe 1989 is only a week away! I'm so excited to hear new Taylor songs to react to..it's so fun and will be fun to see if we have the same favorites.

Wow cool..that's awesome that you met up at your show! You're so sweet to say that and I realized we have been talking back and forth for a while now. I definitely think of you as my friend! Sometimes I worry that I have nothing interesting to say but then I also worry I talk so much lol. But that's why I say you shouldn't worry about replying..but I didn't want you to feel like I forgot about you either. I really do enjoy our conversations and how we just talk about our interests since I don't really have anyone else to talk about this stuff with. It feel weird that you don't know what I look like or that I'm just online, and sometimes I feel weird about it. Books are something I'm glad we can bond over, since my sister doesn't have as much time for reading, and I'm excited to start the book soon. If we are reading the Night Circus too, it's okay cuz I can read two books at the same time but just let me know. I read the summary of those on Goodreads and it reminded me of Only Murders in the Building, even if I haven't even watched the show yet but it's on my list. If you've seen it, let me know how it is. I am not a big thriller or mystery reader but it did seem interesting so I'm glad you enjoyed them! I'm sorry if I forgot anything, but I might not be able to reply until Monday if you reply to this though..just to let you know. I hope you have a nice weekend!

hi friend!! hope you're having a good weekend 🤍 i saw something on twitter about it maybe going to prime, but i take most things i see on twitter with a grain of salt 😭 my friend really liked it — and is super excited to see her next year 🥺 i understand why a lot of them were cut (choreo, etc) but i was really bummed because i love long live and the archer and cardigan and - well, all of them. i was talking to some friends on thursday about how if we could change anything in the eras setlist in a way that wouldn't alter production too much (i.e. costume changes, choreography, speeches, giving her time to rest a bit, etc) what would we change and so i want to ask you the same question! what would you change if you could? i think i said i'd switch out i knew you were trouble with holy ground or red! i would personally also maybe switch all too well 10 for the 5 minute version, and then add our song or i'm only me when i'm with you (or both) instead, just so i could get my little debut songs in. but i do think it's pretty perfect and even the songs that i don't gravitate towards listening to regularly are SO much fun live. the rep set is SO good; we've talked about how it's not my favorite album of hers but honestly one of my favorite eras performances i think.

i think elvis impersonators, cocoon, and ghost me are in my top 3, but i'm not entirely sure yet! i can't wait to hear more of your thoughts on holly's album!! sabrina was only cady for like, two days so not a whole lot exists out there! but i really liked her take on cady. i feel like more often than not i am disappointed with stunt casting (i understand why they do it though) — speaking of stunt casts, i'm curious to see how jordan fisher does as orpheus in hadestown! i'm seeing the tour in a few weeks and i'm super excited to finally see someone who isn't reeve carney haha! and yes — waitress proshot! it was announced yesterday or the day before, i think! my friend texted me about it but i'm not sure if i'll have time to go see it in cinemas. hopefully it gets put on streaming sometime soon too!! i just remembered broadwayhd exists — there's so much on there that i haven't seen (that being said, if you've never seen daddy long legs the musical, i do recommend it because megan mcginnis' voice is beautiful and i just love her — although the actual musical content/plot is a bit questionable — and of course, she loves me and allegiance are also ones i'd recommend)! i didn't know they did a proshot of snapshots — john cardoza was in it and i really like him (i saw him in the notebook + really like what i've heard of him in moulin rouge + like what i heard of him in the snapshots cast recording) so i might give that a watch sometime! and i forgot they filmed the production of first date that sam barks was in! i was also just thinking of submissions only, which was a web series back in like 2012 and is pretty scrubbed from the internet now, unfortunately but i loved it. did you ever watch smash? now i'm feeling incredibly nostalgic!

oh my gosh did you have fun at les mis!!! i really liked the marius on tour (gregory lee rodriguez) — his marius is so earnest and so charming; i saw him in a show here in seattle a few years ago and i remember thinking he was a very likable actor so i was really excited to see him in les mis when i saw the tour in june! the barricade scenes are some of my favorites, but yes — lighting can be tricky! i've been meaning to rewatch the movie at some point as well, but it's so long and such a commitment. i was also ... doing a VERY good job of working at my les mis reread/annotations but then ... did not do that. so we'll see if i pick it back up or if i decide to push it off to next year haha. and no way! that's such a cool coincidence!

i really like midnights; i think it's a solid album — but i do find myself reaching for the 3am tracks over some of the songs on midnights proper a lot! it's interesting because my friends and i did a little ~ prediction ~ of our favorites based on names and i could not have been more wrong. i said lavender haze, anti hero, you’re on your own kid, question…? and sweet nothing were ones that stood out to me, and i do like them, don't get me wrong, but the only one i listen to A LOT is you're on your own kid. i think my top listened to midnights tracks/favorite midnights tracks are (in no particular order): yoyok, mastermind, the great war and dear reader. what about you?

you don't need to worry about not having anything interesting to say! i love chatting with you — you can literally come talk to me about anything you want! and you don't need to apologize for taking your time to reply either! and i'm happy to do whatever works for you reading schedule wise / buddy reading wise! i haven't watched OMITB but i've heard really good things and there's apparently a lot of broadway people cameos in the third season? which is fun!

hope you're having a good weekend 🤍 🤍 !!

[nagsusulatnamais]

A change of perspective = change of heart

I remember this quote from a blog long long time ago where her partner said non-verbatim "I would show you everyday that I am worthy of every ounce of your love, that you made the right decision of loving me."

That was a post by a single woman in her 20s. Now, they are married with two angels.

I know it happened a year ago and I should've at least gotten over it but with that experience it led me to a different path, the path of building walls again - afraid of getting hurt. I have completely changed lens when it comes to relationships.

Written last March 10, 2023

Always remember that you are only responsible for your reactions, you answer to yourself, you are capable of making sound decisions. And you make yourself a responsible person, Mace.

I have a dilemma where my morals when it comes to relationships doesn't meet my morals when it comes to my work ethics. Instead of making scenarios, crying thru my night shifts during work hours, maybe, I should divert and do a big focus on my career/work. I am not doing the best I have for the past 3 years in the company I am in. This is an honest review of myself to my employed self.

About the above post, some events in our life are just hard to let go because it killed something in us that we dearly valued. I’d like to believe that it happened because it's time for us to shift. To shift our perspective, throw away our old school of thought for a new one, be open to experiences because you're only here for a few years, forgive because you have to release the pain that's weighing you down.

As Dr. Swift said "Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release. ","Decide what is yours to hold and let the rest go. Oftentimes the good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful, simple joys. You get to pick what your life has time and room for. Be discerning. "

I want to say that there are a few good things in my life, but it will sound that I'm not grateful as there are a lot of things I get to do. Which I should give more focus on. Just to name a few of my favorite good things, the list includes my Cat named Pity, my ever-loving Mom, my super Dad, and my favorite siblings in the world Ayie and Cy.

Aside from these humans, I get to do a lot of introspecting, using of my mind, and a lot of writing these past few days. There are also those experiences that I was just wishing to experience it — in which I get to do now. Growing up I thought I was adaptable to any situations, turns out I just didn’t have any structures, I'm just freelancing my way to life, however, now that I'm old and building some "structures" of my own. I find myself struggling to change some of it because I've established something aligned with what I feel right.

But, since this is life and it's ever changing like earth I have to change my views, thoughts, self, and some parts that are not working well with me, aligned with what I am in. It's hard.

Well, at least I'm doing something. It's time to do some change of heart.

Sharing some favorite quotes from Dr. Swift's speech.

“My experience has been that my mistakes led to the best things in my life. And being embarrassed when you mess up is part of the human experience.”

And so this may be hard for you to hear: In your life, you will inevitably misspeak, trust the wrong people, under-react, overreact, hurt the people who didn’t deserve it, overthink, not think at all, self-sabotage, create a reality where only your experience exists, ruin perfectly good moments for yourself and others, deny any wrongdoing, not take the steps to make it right, feel very guilty, let the guilt eat at you, hit rock bottom, finally address the pain you caused, try to do better next time, rinse, repeat.  And I’m not gonna lie, these mistakes will cause you to lose things.

I’m trying to tell you that losing things doesn’t just mean losing. A lot of the time, when we lose things, we gain things too. 

((Thinking about this quote above, when I lost my trust to the other person, I try to gain some for me.))

Anyway…hard things will happen to us. We will recover. We will learn from it. We will grow more resilient because of it. 

As long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing, we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I’m a doctor now, so I know how breathing works. 

Too much writing today. I feel so alive. Good night.

[sungbeam]

You just tell her the truth, beamie. Time is not wasted unless you assume it so. Being lost is normal, and the fear is terrifying… but it is the truth and if your mother doesn’t understand (though by the sounds of it she won’t)… then it’s up to you to make sense of it.

I remember when I was in high school as a technical theatre student for my vocation. I made excuses when I first decided to go rather than pursue my passion. But I was just lost, and I felt a similar shame.

When my mom saw me finally apply for graphic design in college, I could tell she knew I had found my way. And even though I found it, I still had to gather my bearings and course correct after 4 years of doing tech work rather than performing like I knew I secretly desired. You may feel pathetic now, but I promise that what you feel is not how I see you and it’s probably how your mom sees you too.

The shit is gonna find it’s place and make sense in your life if you let it. Please don’t let these feelings take away the joy you have, because I can see it in the way you write that you love this. Most people who take breaks from tumblr don’t come back. But you did and I can’t tell you how relieved and happy I was that you did, because I saw it as a sign that you didn’t want to give up.

I have no idea if anything I said was a comfort or helped but I just had to say it. It hurts my heart to see y’all struggle, and I hope the ask comes out as something I wrote with positive intent.

- 🃏

sorry i had to take a break to cry again lol that sounds terrible but it's a hard 180 from last quarter when i couldn't cry at all, and it feels good and awful at the same time

as for everything u said, i do appreciate it a lot. im not good at responding to people trying to comfort me—its just something i've been so alienated from for a lot of my developing years, but i just want u to know that i've read over ur message at least three times and it makes me emotional and that's a good thing. ig i'm just used to feeling invisible so the fact that ur glad to see me coming back gives me some reprieve so thank u, truly

ik she would understand, or at least try to,, i called her last week absolutely demolished and in tears and finally told her how overwhelmed i felt and that it's led to me absolutely hating myself,, god, i could feel her devastation and helplessness thru the phone. now she asks after each phone call if i want to tell her anything, and idk how to articulate ... everything

anyways, sorry for the dumping, but i appreciate u thank u

[fexalted]

finishing off season 1 let's gooo

1x21 - the return of the archons

things i know about it:

brainwashing episode (‼️‼️‼️)

spock nun outfit

fun outfits for everyone really

but most importantly Brainwashing Episode 👁👁

i'm gonna be so normal about this i prommy

thoughts:

what do you mean i've been mentally pronouncing archons wrong for years

"they're the sweetest, friendliest people in the universe" oh yep they're a cult

ah i see they've learned from their misadventure at the airbase, they got their disguises ready before they beam down

what is this?? the purge???

[miette voice] "you MOCK the lawgivers?" "you SCORN festival??"

jim has no right to look as good as he does in that silly little outfit

hi landru i love your shiny robes

fascinated by this place being called a paradise free of crime and evil or whatever. bro you just had everyone going buckwild in the streets and breaking windows and shit

oughhg brainwashed bones :((

the fight is heartbreaking, don't make jim fight his bestie,, neither of us wants this

man i wish it was that easy to break down cults irl, trying to argue with them usually ends with *you* being the one to explode

i'm glad there's crew staying behind to like help them establish a normal society 🙏 i was fully expecting them to be like "well anyway bye" and leave all those people with no guidance after they'd spent their entire lives under mind control

oh so we don't get to see bones un-brainwashed huh? you're just gonna do that to me?? end the episode without letting me see my little buddy??? :'(

1x22 - space seed

remember:

KHAN

KHAAAAAAN

forgot:

"the last vessel of that class was built in the 1990s" you guys sure were optimistic about how much space travel we'd be doing in 30 years lmao

oh okay maybe not that optimistic considering we were supposed to be having a world war then

convenient that they wrapped all these people up in fishing nets before putting them in suspended animation

bones with a knife held to his throat being like "hey make it quick and cut the carotid" agdjsgdj man's got balls of steel

god, khan is such a good looking man. i'm still mad about into darkness btw they did him so dirty, hashtag not my khan

yknow it always did bother me that there's only one exit on the bridge. this is the exact type of emergency situation where you need multiple escape routes. what kind of building codes are they operating on in the 23rd century. someone get me a job with space osha

they're compressing jim like a jpg in there

shatner stunt double moment

kinda wild that jim gave mcgivers the option to be exiled with khan and his crew and even wilder that she said yes lmao, like girl i know he's beautiful but he's a war criminal dfjdhfksj

1x23 - a taste of armageddon

what i know:

haven't seen this ep and don't recognize the title so i'm going in blind!

thoughts:

right off the bat we've got an ambassador in the ugliest outfit i've seen all season

oh good they have better fashion down on the planet

"i am mea 3" and this is my friend logan 6

omg i was making a joke but it kinda is a bizarre logan's run situation

hell yeah you can't trick scotty that easily

hey why don't we ever hear more about the fact that spock can telepathically influence people thru walls, seems like that would come in handy a lot

"sir there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder" LMAO i love that that worked

oh i got so caught up in it i forgot to keep writing here lol

anyway good episode, love to see scotty get more screentime and enjoyed watching jim do the kirk karate chop several times 👏

when i had first started the ep i thought it was gonna be the birth control one (haven't seen that one either, can't remember the title), and like. can you imagine if the two plots were fused? government dealing with overpopulation manufactures a fake war where casualties are calculated by computer so people will be perfectly willing to walk into disintegration chambers and die

would that be fucked up or what

well anyway, moving on

1x24 - this side of paradise

remember:

sex pollen episode

spock climbs a tree

bones makes a mint julep

on another note, for personal reasons i find it v funny that the episodes with "armageddon" and "paradise" in the titles come right after one another. a little joke for the exvangelical in me

forgot:

"mr spock and i have met before" cut to spock standing there completely deadpan and silent lmao

oh these people are creepy

spock pollen allergy real

girl stop touching him you're being weird

"i've never seen a dragon" "i have" oh so we're just gonna drop that fun little factoid and never address it again huh

jim you were like one step away from getting pollen blasted, put a mask on or something

oh cool we've got plants on the ship already, this'll be fine

jim all alone on the ship :'( he looks so sad

OH SHIT HE GOT POLLENED

jim: gotta pack my cute green shirt

"aroused, his great physical strength could kill" shfjshfjksfkd

SPOCK WITH THE STEEL CHAIR

bones and his exaggerated southern drawl is killing me and i can't tell if it's in a funny way or a cringy way dhfjshfj

"would you like to see just how fast i can put you in a hospital?" fuck him up bones!!!

bones coming up on the bridge just to show off how good his eyeshadow looks in this final scene, i see you my man 👏

1x25 - the devil in the dark

things i know:

horta episode!!

bones is a doctor not a bricklayer

but by golly he's beginning to think he can cure a rainy day

thoughts:

remarkably flat floors in this cave

this poor guy's gonna get eaten

called it, rip schmitter v_v

sweet purple jumpsuit my guy

pondering that orb (egg?)

man i wish i could go explore some caves rn (real) (without monsters in them)

one redshirt down, rip

THERE IT IS

and it's gone

oh whoa the piece they cut off of it is still moving. also looks kinda like a meatball pizza

kirk you fool don't split up to check the tunnels, has scooby doo taught you nothing

okay genuinely, Extremely Cool vfx when it burns a hole in the rock and comes out of the wall

oh well well well, mr shoot to kill kirk isn't so quick on the trigger now that he's looking at the thing is he? (meanwhile spock's like "kill it kill it!" now that it's jim's life in danger lmao)

ough that mind meld. spock going thru it

the eggs :'(

spackle that thang, doctor

aw i wanted to see baby hortas

a+ trio banter at the end, i wuv them

1x26 - errand of mercy

what i know:

klingons in it

jim wears a cute shirt

the title is familiar but i think it's only bc i recently watched a tng ep where they were like "we're on an errand of mercy" lol (s3 ep "the high ground", aka the one with "the irish unification of 2024" line)

you would not believe the ordeal i've gone thru just to watch this one. the google drive i'd been using had a problem with the file for this ep and i couldn't play it, so i rented a dvd box set from the library. plugged in my dvd player that's older than some people on this website, then spent like 15 mins fighting with it bc i couldn't get the audio working (no dialogue, only bg music), and then i could only get it to play in spanish. finally got it sorted, but there's no english subtitles for these dvds so i've gotta use the transcript site 😭 i will press on but i'm upset and need everyone to know about my woes and miseries

thoughts:

jesus christ the music surprised me as much as that attack surprised them

this looks like the same place they beamed down to at the beginning of arena, just less exploded

was that goat green

how did they even initiate contact with this planet when they're like. fully living medieval times down here dhfjsjfk

"8 space vehicles have assumed orbit around our planet" okay how do you know that my man

aw spock gets a fun outfit too :')

boy that tos klingon makeup sure was...... something

"i have a tongue" "good, you will be taught how to use it" 1) did not realize that bit was from this ep, 2) goddamn the gifs / screenshots were not exaggerating the vibe of that moment at all shfjhdfkd

don't like the sound of the mind-ripper

KIRK FLYING SQUIRREL ATTACK

okay kirk and kor need to stop looking at each other like that shfshfkf

ngl i was getting some cult vibes about the organians at the start but i feel like whatever's up with them is in fact weirder

oh so they can just. force them to stop fighting. well hey that's a solution

"no one has died here in thousands of years" what

me when spock says "pure energy": omg he said the thing he says in that one song!! ("what's on your mind" by information society)

at the risk of sounding like spock i'm trying to hold back from saying it's fascinating, but i really love the variety in the types of extradimensional beings they've encountered, yknow? like:

every other episode: we're the fuck with you aliens and we're here to fuck with you this episode: we're the stop fucking with each other aliens and we're here to make you stop fucking with each other

anyway interesting ep, however mccoy wasn't in it so was it really worth the journey i had to embark on to watch it? 🤔

1x27 - the alternative factor

what i know:

nothing! let's go!

thoughts:

ooh pretty galaxy overlay effect

they've totally filmed at this location before lmao

omg look at that cute lil saucer

nice beard, guy

these special effects shfjshfks

bonessss i missed you :')

"i'm a bright young medic with a miraculous touch" hell yeah you are, babygirl ❤️

okay so. is this guy the thing? and he's like. fighting half of himself every time the phenomenon happens??

my brother you did not have to fall off the mountain like that, there had to be other ways of climbing down

bones: "he's not going anywhere, not this time" *bones immediately leaves the room, lazarus immediately gets up to leave* okay good effort team djsjfkshf

ohh it's a parallel universe, i see now. so you're saying we need to kill him

"he must be stopped, destroyed if necessary" ahfjsgkfsh i didn't expect spock to agree with me

bro i don't think handling those high voltage things with a little piece of cloth is gonna protect you. or at least, it shouldn't

OH SHIT JIM GOT ZAPPED TO THE NEGAVERSE

oh okay sending him back was easier than i expected

lmao the way jim fully gets lifted off the ground when he's fighting lazarus. stay back everyone your captain's got it handled

rip to the two lazaruses tho, time to move on and forget all about them

1x28 - the city on the edge of forever

remember:

bones accidentally injects himself with cordrazine, goes a little crazy, beams down to a planet, and throws himself back in time. just a regular tuesday

Edith Keeler Must Die

world's best hug immediately followed by world's most tragic car accident :(

forgot:

these transporter techs gotta stop standing with their backs to the door

lmao spock's offended face at "your science knowledge is obviously primitive"

agdjshfjsj jim trying to lie to the cop

spock you're taking over the whole room with that machine

the thing about this ep is that in my mind it's like "bones episode! :D" but in reality he spends half the time missing in action lol

anyway he's here now and just ripped the hat off that man's head shfkdjdk

oh. that guy just vaporized himself. well that surely won't have any impact on the future

oouugh edith leading bones away right as spock comes in so they don't see each other 😭 (real talk those type of moments agitate me so much in movies, i'm glad they only did it once here)

the ending continues to be sad as fuck. not even a little aftermath scene on the bridge to reflect about it, just "let's get the hell out of here," roll credits :(

man they don't even address like, what to do with the time portal. like you can't just leave it there for any random person to stumble into, but at the same time it's like, would you destroy the only machine of its kind?

well actually considering they did that to landru, i guess the answer is yes lmao, moving on!

1x29 - operation -- annihilate!

what i know:

spock gets blinded by mccoy and his big bright flashlight

but it's cool bc he has a third eyelid just like a kitty cat

do we meet sam kirk in this one? i can't remember if he's actually in the ep or if he just dies offscreen

thoughts:

not me mentally pronouncing "deneva" like "geneva" for the past decade agfjshfjsk

rip icarus

oh my god i've been pronouncing aurelan wrong too. why does this keep happening

aw man rip sam too v_v

goddamn they're dropping like flies in this ep

oh shit we got metroids

"captain, it doesn't even look real!" [shot of slime pancake on the ground] agdjsgfjhs yeah you're not wrong

YOU FOOLS YOU TURNED YOUR BACKS ON IT

they needed like four people to take down spock and they really thought those bed restraints were gonna hold him? lmao

spock is such a funny character, like "oh they're not letting me beam down to the planet, clearly the logical thing to do is knock them out so i can just go"

"what other properties does the sun have?" "it exists physically" so do most things spock that can't be the first and most important thing you have to say about it shfjdjfjfk

mcspirk squished into the doorway moment uwu

say goodbye to your eyeballs, boy

"bones it wasn't your fault" :'(((

AUGH the angst of it all, i'm biting my arm off

and of course when spock gets his sight back he just shrugs the whole thing off like it was no big deal, like sir we all saw how shaken you were, you can't downplay this

"please don't tell spock i said he was the best first officer in the fleet" personally i think all three of you should just admit you love each other and kiss already sgdjshfksmd

SEASON 2 NEXT TIME WAHOO GET READY FOR PON FARR NIGHT FRIDAY

watching tos for the first time since like, roughly 2012/13-ish? i don't remember what year it was, or why i only got thru most of season 1 before stopping

it's been fun to refresh my swiss cheesed memory with this tho so here's a semi-liveblog of the first 10 eps that i watched over the past couple weeks

1x01 - the man trap

things i remembered beforehand:

salt monster

"plum" uwu

that gay little run and crawl jim does when he's taking cover (it fills me with such delight)

things i did not remember:

how many people died, good god man it's only the first episode

1x02 - charlie x

things i remembered:

jim's bright red exercise pants

that stupid fucking face charlie makes when he uses his powers

not liking this ep at all when i first watched it, possibly due to me being around the same age as charlie at the time

additional thoughts: i enjoyed it more this time and felt more sympathetic for charlie. poor kid needed some parents, and also, like, a hug

1x03 - where no man has gone before

things i remembered:

bones isn't in it :'( (bored) (sad) (missing my bestie)

"James R Kirk"

that post i saw on here recently about how their contacts were made of glass

the only thing i could think about while watching:

their contacts

were made

of GLASS

(yes i understand this was how contacts were made back then. still freaked out by the concept of people putting glass in their eyes on purpose)

1x04 - the naked time

things i remembered:

sweat disease

sulu fencing

oh kathleen

"ONE-MORE-TIME!!"

"love mankind"

spock breakdown (extremely uncomfortable to watch)

bones casually ripping jim's shirt sleeve to jab him in the arm (extremely hilarious every time i think about it)

did not remember:

anything about them almost crashing into a planet lol

jim's little monologue when he gets infected (lmao)

time warp???

additional thoughts: hey remember when they reused this plot in tng and tasha and data fucked (<- literally the only thing i can remember about it) ((edit from future fex: i rewatched that ep. it was wild. tos did it better tho))

1x05 - the enemy within

things i remembered:

unicorn dog :)

evil kirk and poor little meow meow kirk

"I'M CAPTAIN KIRK!!!"

things not remembered:

dog dies :(

evil kirk's killer eyeliner

additional thoughts: say what you will about shatner / his acting but this ep is Peak shatner performance and a lot of fun to watch. he put his whole pussy into it, as the kids say these days

1x06 - mudd's women

things remembered:

could not forget harry mudd if i tried

the women are color coded like the powerpuff girls lol

they're also like, on some kind of drug that keeps them looking young or something

cool costumes tho

i don't have much to say about this one lol, harry's a fun character but the rest of the ep wasn't super interesting to me. did finally learn how to pronounce "ophiuchus" tho so i'll thank it for that

1x07 - what are little girls made of

things remembered:

is this the penis rock episode (it is)

uhhh i think kirk gets put into some kind of spinny machine that makes androids (he does)

more cool costumes (debatable)

things i find funny:

the number of planets we've encountered so far that are populated by like. 2-4 people

the way ruk (the big guy) just picks up and throws kirk like he weighs nothing

so much buildup with kirk and the penis rock and he doesn't even get to hit ruk over the head with it smh

also not a funny moment but i liked the way kirk was able to get a message to spock thru the android kirk, v clever

wait i just realized bones wasn't in this ep either. deducting 1/4 of a star from my mental rating bc i missed him (but apparently not that much)

1x08 - miri

remembered:

planet of children (bc everyone else died of terminal puberty)

"no blah blah blah!"

bones tests his newly discovered, untested cure on himself, in true mad scientist fashion (also spones moment <3)

saw this ep on a "what's your fave 'bad' episode" poll here recently and i can't remember if i thought it was good or bad when i first watched it lol

forgot:

another earth?? there's just a second, identical earth floating around out there?? and (of course) they don't mention it at all for the rest of the episode

300 year old children

oh these kids are so much more annoying than i remembered, however i may just be biased bc i don't like kids shfkshfk

1x09 - dagger of the mind

remember:

absolutely nothing! oh boy!

thoughts:

wow this ep is fucked up!

okay actually i don't think i've seen this one at all before?

usually there'll be moments that jog my memory but the only thing even slightly familiar to me was kirk going "helen don't go!" while in the neutralizer chair, but i could've just seen a clip/gif of it before

i remember skipping episodes in season 1 (i was impatient and wanted to get to city on the edge of forever) but i thought i'd at least made it to halfway thru the season before skipping any

anyway did i mention this ep is fucked up? (star trek really does love to drop an absolutely haunting 50 minutes of television on you and then never address it again, i understand this now. roll credits!)

1x10 - the corbomite maneuver

remember:

uhh

there's a thing out there

it's in the way

preventing them from boldly going, even

looks like an old windows screensaver

i might've skipped this ep too now that i think about it

thoughts:

cute mckirk moment in sickbay :3

i love that this cube has its own theme music whenever its on screen

oh shit it's the sequel to cube: orb

jesus christ that's a big orb

man they really said "okay we've got 3 music tracks and we're gonna get our money's worth out of them"

i gotta say this ep slaps tbh—WAIT HE'S A BABY???

LITTLE BABY MAN

LMAOOOOO

honestly great episode tho i'll stand by that

[atlantis-scribe]

things i (think) i know about Stargate Universe: a Stargate SG-1 & SGA Enjoyer's list of slightly accurate pre-viewing 'knowledge' gathered thru fandom osmosis

there's a ship called Destiny (AKA the Ancient Tesla) that's been traveling thru deep space for who knows how long to reach who knows where in order to do who knows what (it's classic Alteran modus operandi so this part doesn't really surprise me)

before that there's also an offworld base called Icarus, which is definitely a pretty ordinary name and not at all ominous and is in fact a great choice to call a facility you want to operate successfully

there's a character named Eli and a character named Rush. they may or may not be the same person

one of the crew is a video game player (?) who was recruited to the Stargate Program, the highly exclusive, top-secret international initiative for intergalactic exploration, because they are so good at playing video games (ousting John Sheppard & his One-Gene Qualification from the top spot in Luckiest Career Moves of the 21st Century)

Robert Carlyle is present, possibly as the only character who has the faintest clue what Destiny is and where it's going and what it's for

Will from Sense8 is also here, but he doesn't look like he knows what's going on at any given time

at some point, Daniel was convinced to record NOVA-esque videos about Stargate 101 for when the project gets declassified in the future (or maybe for new recruits like Video Game Guy? who, understandably, may not know a lot about wormholes or glowing squids or space snakes because why would they)

Daniel does not look happy in these videos

He looks good tho I'll give them that

Because Destiny cannot be stopped or turned around, and because the gate only works one-way, the infamous Communication Stones are used to temporarily take control of another person's body to talk to people on Earth or visit the ship

Yes, the same stones that made Jack O'Neill drift compatible with a barber from Indiana and made Vala experience what it's like to be burned alive (sorry Vala)

Stargate Universe also made it very difficult to refer to the setting of the entire franchise, because having to say 'The Main Universe Where Events in Stargate Happen' can be a bit of a mouthful

We also revisit Langara (AKA Jonas's planet) because the writers remembered that naquadria is a thing (but apparently still no Jonas?? because the writers hate me)

The Lucian Alliance becomes a problem again, this time not just because of space corn

Rodney shows up (!!) at some point, and someone (a Colonel?) uses their Very Important Screen Time to show the audience that John Sheppard still gossips about McKay every chance he gets (I'm 59% sure this particular interaction is not just from a fic)

SGU is apparently the Voyager of the franchise

There better be a newbie who Totally Didn't Sign Up For This who loves science and adores his mom because I need another Harry Kim in my life

I've been putting off watching SGU because I have a behemoth of a post-SGA WIP and canon is like insect for my brain only the termite variety

But I'm sick and in bed what else am I gonna do, figured it's now or never

Okay I'm gonna start now wish me luck

I'M SORRY IT TOOK ALMOST A YEAR AFTER I SAID I WOULD I'M A GIRL WITH A JOB

[lilyfreshwater]

i think your anons are exaggerating about ranboo's "projects" a lot of the time, just because they saw one clip where he's talking about maybe doing something in the future or main mentioned it doesn't mean it's like some official project. some things i've seen them describing as "projects" or "plans" were literally one time jokes taken out of context lmao. tbh only real Big projects i could think of rn are genloss (here i mostly agree with progress being really slow for apparently no reason but i also don't care about genloss that much so i don't even notice this most of the time... 😭) and that one new secret thing that he predicted for "end of the year Maybe" anyways, i think?

delays with white noise have been explained (idk if you heard, i didn't go thru your blog much lately, but basically they didn't upload bcs their editor was on vacation after graduating so they wouldn't have videos ready for a while even if they uploaded the ready ones straight away, they're back now), i remember one of your anons asking abt subathon and he mentioned that recently too (had a lot of preplanned travels etc since he moved so he wants to do it when he'll be at home for a longer period of time, hopefully soon™️ kekw)

the youtube thing was also a huge project he mentioned doing several times. at first he was gonna have the vlogs, then the gaming videos, then i think he was gonna make it a edited stream channel? idk, all i remember is he talked about these things like he had a plan and they were going to happen, and then nothing did. with gen loss, that's a huge project he's literally been teasing for over a year and nothing has come of it. we can't act like he "hasn't had time" or is working on something else cause there's no other big project he's been a part of. this new big project i have very little faith in ever happening either because "end of the year maybe" is just screaming a lack of confidence. as for white noise, either find a new temporary editor or just edit it yourself. i watched the first episode and it's nothing revolutionary, there's no way neither ranboo nor sneeg have time to do it. as i mentioned previously, there's not much else going on for ranboo. and for the charity subathon, why promise to do something if you know you won't have time coming up? he knows his schedule. it doesn't make any sense to bring something up and then leave people hanging for months.

another way we have to look at this is in the context of all the little pieces of missed content in the past. remember all the small sub goals that just never happened? i think one anon said they estimated it to be over $25,000 in subs, but considering that's only about 5,000 subs i'd say we're looking at at least quadruple that, if not more. like i said earlier, this is not a one time thing, or an occasional promise left unfulfilled. this is a chronic problem that has plagued ranboo's content since the beginning, and now that he's attempting to branch out into bigger things it's just getting worse

[noblechaton]

Well I for one would love to hear that story!

okay! um. I'm gonna try not to get too personal or w/e but I've also never really............talked about this before so uh here it goes! also sorry this is gonna be long lmao

I've sorta always known that I was........well. queer! and I mean that seriously too - I still remember feeling weird and different as far back as kindergarten in a way that lasted thru my entire school career despite obviously not really understanding any of it way back when with that sorta being how things were as I kept going thru school. like I knew I wasn't like everyone else around me but of course I didn't know like why or how or what it meant that I thought both sides of the room were cute or why I'd had feelings towards friends of the same gender and it was something I just sorta sat on for the bulk of my life up till into high school where I started learning more about LGBTQ stuff on my own time and finding it represented in places (like funny enough in Doctor Who) that helped further my curiosity and with more knowledge I sorta started understanding myself more as a result and like I think I realized I was (or at least identified most with being) bisexual* around sophomore year? and honestly it was really liberating to embrace how I'd always felt with like an understanding to it and I definitely wasn't shy about it lmao. it came up a few times actually and I was proud to tell ppl I wasn't straight and it felt really good to know that instead of just feeling it which ik might sound weird but it’s the best way I can put it and it was like I’d put an element of my life that I didn’t understand for the longest time to rest thinking that was it

that said.......................there was more to it - more to myself - that I've been sitting on and admittedly have been intentionally ignoring and denying for just as long

and I mean it's been something I've kinda been aware for as long as I can remember now with some distinct memories of believing I was "born in the wrong body" (which is a thing I remember saying to and thinking about myself a lot) as far back as kindergarten too and there were times where I aggressively denied this and a few times where I've even gotten mad at myself for thinking such a thing with the most recent instance of this being um. y'know. a few days ago. which is kinda where that anxiety stuff comes in and how like I guess I just feel bad for thinking like this despite not....looking the part or feeling ashamed for....thinking that way mostly out of my own sense of self depreciation. I’ve dealt with an immense self hatred for the majority of my life now and this sort of thing has been used to just kinda throw more fuel on that fire

but despite that I’ve also gotten better about self depreciation over the recent years too! it’s been a long work in progress but I think I’ve made a lot of strides in at least not feeling so down on myself and embracing the more positive aspects of the things I do and say and my personality and existence and all that. it’s definitely a healthier way to live actually finding things to enjoy about urself and accepting the way u are

and like another big aspect of this is that well.....no one’s ever really asked?? what my pronouns are or which gender I am and with that in mind over the last ~10 years I sorta slipped into feeling more comfortable being seen as more nonbinary since I've never felt too much like a boy or a girl for various reasons and I've kinda been fine like that for a while and I'm even still p comfortable there as is! I love ppl perceiving me as they want to perceive me and I want folks to continue doing that! 

but lately it's been on my mind again and I've been thinking about it and kinda passively watching others as they talk to and about me and I've kinda gradually been realizing that as far as self designation I definitely agree more with one gender than the other and even have been sorta subtly dressing more in the style of someone of the opposite gender than the one I was born with and even sometimes refer to myself with those pronouns and like when ppl refer to me like that too it usually just like feels better to me mentally and like despite my own reservations and fears and uncertainties at this point that it’s felt hard to deny that I might actually be that way

it’s all kind of confusing and I’m very nervous about....embracing it like this not bc of the reaction or responses I might get from certain uh sects of ppl online or other ppl in general (which again has been great so far honestly) but bc I guess I’m kinda subject to that fear of like not believing my own feelings on the matter are real or valid - that I’m not actually this way even tho a lot of signs and my own beliefs tell me I am that way. y’know? but especially lately I’ve been embracing it more as a fact and feeling better mentally as a result despite my own reservations

all of this to say that I'm still sorta figuring myself out and that while I might not have had all the answers right away I’ve still be gradually piecing things together over my years and while it’s been....scary honestly to even sorta consider it’s also all sorta been getting clearer the more time I spend actually embracing those thoughts and feelings rather than shoving them away or otherwise ignoring them so. uh. I guess u could consider this me coming out in my own way

I’m trans! 

and I'm proud to be who I am! 

and hey hopefully in saying all of this and talking about it further if ppl wanna know more or w/e maybe I can help someone else feel more comfortable in their own identity too!