#relevant experiences and frameworks worth sharing. Disregard at your leisure

[noisytenant]

I want to break up with my boyfriend but I'm worried about him because he doesn't have many friends outside of me and I'm not sure I'll be able to maintain a normal friendship with him after we break up 🤐

🫂 it's a tough situation to be in... perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that many people have tread this path before. i hope you can find resolution soon...

unsolicited advice:

i've seen too many relationships where people feel responsible for their partner's social life, or general wellbeing. many of those relationships were mine, lol.

we are all interconnected, but when we start to ignore our own feelings (like, "get me outta this relationship!") in an attempt to anticipate or control outcomes outside of ourselves, we enter unhealthy (at the very least unhelpful) territory.

let go of the idea that you can control how he behaves after a breakup...... you can do your best to set things up for success, but whatever happens is gonna happen.

you can't make friends for him, but you can express a desire for him to have friends outside of you. if you have the energy, you can make some suggestions and nudge a bit, but remember, you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

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Also, to anyone reading this--If your partner is your only friend, or one of your only friends, please consider diversifying!! This is for everyone's sake... Even the most perfect partner, who you feel completes your soul, is still unable to provide you with the spectrum of experiences and relationships that a richer social network can.

I also need to make more + closer friendships so I'm saying this with the full personal knowledge that this is not easy, but it is important. Ask yourself what stands in the way of your relationships and see if you can start to make some movement.

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Anyways... I have somewhat strong opinions about "maintaining a normal friendship after we break up"--I personally think people should really not try to be friends right after a breakup. You need time and space to recenter yourself in your newly single life!

I have occasionally met people who have become friends (again) after breaking up, and I think it's super cool when it happens. But don't rush it. You have to fully disentangle yourselves from each other. Otherwise, many of the potentially unhealthy or unpleasant patterns from your relationship will remain in your friendship.

I don't like putting numbers on the grieving process, but I think at least 1-2months at minimal to no contact is good for rebuilding your life. Do as you wish, but that's my perspective.

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While you're sorting out how to end things, consider if there are boundaries you can set to make the relationship more bearable. do you need to curtail certain conversation topics? spend more or less time together? there may be ways to ease some of the stress and burden on you. if you set a boundary, expect to need to reinforce it. people often break them without meaning to.

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like i said, it's not easy, but i hope you will find your way through it. And hopefully my advice can provide you some energy or guidance ^^

an encouraging anecdote:

i had a codependent friendship in early high school with a friend who was dealing with a lot of stuff. i encouraged him to look out for himself in certain ways, and took on a lot of responsibility for his well-being, in the clumsy ways a teenager does.

but he had big problems, bigger than ones i knew how to manage on my own, and i felt like more and more i was fretting about him without thinking about myself (in part because of how painful and shitty my own situation was!). i wished i could fix everything for him, but i didn't have that kind of power. nobody did! eventually i reached a point where i said i needed space from him, because i felt like our friendship wasn't healthy.

of course he wasn't happy, but he accepted and we stopped interacting for a while. and within a few months, i watched him really start to flourish. he made new friends, he started new hobbies. he got really into exercising (which isn't always strictly healthy, but i think it was good in this case and helped him feel better in his body). we were never close like we used to be, but we were able to talk and be friendly.

i think if i allowed our relationship to continue, he might not have tried to branch out like he did. i do wish i could have modulated our relationship better and set boundaries early so i wouldn't end up cutting him off, because that really sucks. but despite the pain of the friend-breakup, he seemed able to make meaning of it and move on.

So, if you can respectfully end the relationship while expressing your honest desire and belief in his good qualities + ability to be part of the social world, i think there is a high chance he will move on + be okay. and if he isn't, that isn't all your fault or responsibility. there are so many factors at play, and sometimes things need to get worse for a bit before they get better.

In Summary

Good Luck Out There