#related: we now have a niece and a nephew and theres another nephew on the way and im not caught up on gift making at allllll

[pumpkabutts]

some teens walked past my house and noticed a little package at my door, so of course they egged one of them on and it got stolen.

i hope this teen dad will appreciate having an individual binky clip for all 25 of his kids

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Heres my idea for how the 4th movie starts: the five year mission ended 1-2 years ago and now everyone's leave period (the 1-2 years) is wrapping up. We see everyone at their own homes with everyone picking up a call from Starfleet

We see Jim back in Iowa, and he's at his nephew's birthday party. Its clear he's been established as the Cool Uncle. We don't exactly know what his relationship with his brother is like (do they like each other? Are they trying to improve their relationship? Or are they like best friends?) so maybe we see a hint of that. And the doorbell rings. So his brother or a in-law goes up and opens the door thinking its more party guests but turns out its 1-2 people in Starfleet uniforms (maybe one of them is Number One? For further Pike related angst) and without even asking the person just turns around and yells "Jimmy its for you!". And we see Jim haul himself through the crowd to the door with 4 different kids hanging off him. Theres a quick little convo explaining the reasoning behind everyone going back to space and all that

Next we see Bones, who is down in Georgia spending time with his daughter. We maybe see or not see any interactions with or mentions of his ex-wife. And they're doing something normal like out getting ice cream or he's tucking her into bed or if she's old enough Bones is suppose to be teaching her how to drive but he's just frozen in fear in the passenger seat. Anyways, he gets a call from Jim and he's really reluctant to answer it because its always one of three things 1) Jim did something stupid 2) Jim wants to do something stupid with him or 3) Jim is calling about space. And Joanna is like "is that Mr. Jim?" And Bones is like "unfortunately" and then he answers.

Up next is Uhura. Im not sure if it canon or fanon that she's from Kenya but we're going with it. If her and Spock are still together we see him too. So we see her doing like her daily routine or whatever she does when not on duty for a minute or two until she gets the Star Trek version of a phone call and answers with "Captain?"

I have no idea where Sulu lives but he's out having a good time with his husband and daughter (and maybe some other family or like the neighbors) when he gets his call. Him and his husband share a uncertain glance because they know his leave is almost up so the fact Jim Kirk is calling probably means its work related. He answers with "Captain."

Scotty is in a bar back in San Fransisco. He and Keenser are with Jaylah and a few of her new Starfleet friends in this loud and crowded bar having a good time (maybe they're celebrating something?). Scotty and Jaylah answer the phone together by yelling "James Tee!" into the phone before giggling. Scotty talks with Jim for a few seconds before going "Keenser!" and the camera pans to Keenser, showing us he's there too, who's in the corner surrounded and getting a lot of attention by several human and humanoid women.

Last is Spock. He's either with Uhura in Kenya, on New Vulcan, or back to teaching in San Francisco. Someone runs up to him and says he has a call, he leaves the room to take it (or in the Kenya case enters the room).

Maybe theres another mini montage where everyone is packing up and saying goodbye (Kirk assuring his nieces and nephews it wont be a long trip, Bones hugging Joanna, Scotty telling Jaylah he'll be back in time for her graduation, etc) before they all meet up again on the Enterprise

And during the reunion someone mentions its the first time they've all been together since Chekov's funeral

[talknerdytome67-blog]

Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss. I felt guilty for missing him.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

[leolaroot]

andrew I would love 2 hear more about your siblings/family!!!

ok hehehe im excited to do this! 

so uhm first of all here’s a picture of our whole family! i censored the faces bc privacy reasons but the uncovered face? well tahts the little wormy dude himself. 

this picture has all of my siblings (black) some of their spouses (white) and even a few nieces and nephews (red)! the blue are my parents. 

its actually the only picture of all my siblings! we never had the chance to take another before my brother passed away, so we’re all trapped in eternal 2006 fashion.

my oldest brother, Brad, I’ve only met about four times! he moved out and disowned my parents before i was born, so i’ve only seen him at my brother’s funeral, one of our sisters’ wedding, and once we facetimed for christmas. i’ve also spoken to him and his little guy Gilbert on the phone. He lives in Australia right now with his wife and their little guy who i think is almost four now!

next is Jen, she lives in the same city as me, and is married with like seven kids. her oldest is older than me, but her second oldest was born like one month after me, and we grew up like cousins or even sisters, when we lived close together. she’s one of the few siblings who i’m out with, and she is really kind and loving even tho shes still in the church

then Dave!! i live with dave right now! he’s really cool and nice, he has 4 kids who i give before and after school care. right now he’s going through a divorce and that kinda sucks ass but its good the kids are getting away from his wife! they moved in with us when i was like 14 and i’ve lived with them in some capacity since. 

uhm i kinda forget the order in the middle here, so im gonna just guess lol! 

Ray lives kinda far away, and i just call him Bubba. he has four kids, the youngest is adopted (the only adopted kid in our family lol) and they live up north near edmonton, so we dont see them an awful lot. his oldest daughter is only two years younger than me so we used to like collect worms and talk about boys and stuff 

I think Jon is next! hes a wildman who used to party like a lot. he has six kids, the oldest lives with her mom, but the rest of them live with him. his boys are older than me, and they both lived at our house a lot while he was still struggling w drugs n stuff. they were pretty much my big brothers and i still love spending time with them! he has three daughters with his new wife and a lot of fish! i love his aquariums so much they inspired my aquariums. 

Tyler is interesting, he was in a car accident when he was eight, so his brain works differently. he works as a sign language interpreter, and is married with four little kids! they live out in SK but we see them fairly recently anyways. 

uhm Ricky passed away when i was ten. he had three kids and his wife remarried and had another kid. so i didnt really know ricky id ont have a lot to say about him! 

mel is my sister, she has three kids! two r from her first marriage but after that ended she moved in with us when i was i think 9? and lived with us for a few years. her new husband is really cool and i love her kids. i helped take care of her baby when she lived with us because she was mentally in a bad place. 

linny is cool she lives nearby so we see her lots. she has two little girls and two rabbits i like to play with! she plays piano and is really sarcastic i love her a lot. she’s going back to school soon and she’s been applying to schools in australia which is so exciting! they lived in aus for a year a while back and i think if they go again i’d like to go visit them for a month or smthn. 

okay so after this line is the siblings who i actually grew up with in the house as kids! 

kelly is 9 years older than me and i LOVE her. she’s one of the first ppl i told i was trans and she and her husband always use my name when its safe. they just recently had a beautiful baby boy who i love!! they live pretty close. growing up she had a lot of mental health stuff going on so we relate about a lot of stuff. she loves art and has a very soft cottagecore kind of maternal aesthetic about her. 

heather is 7 years older thanme and SO COOL….. she’s bi and just got away from a shitty marriage so now she can have fun be gay all the time! im gonna spend a week with her this summer bc i love her a lot and we’re gonna do fun City Stuff bc she lives in a city. she works at a bakery too! everyone at the bakery calls me andy bc she talks about me and that makes my heart explode with love energy!

okay so the last one is eva! she’s 2 years older than me but we developed at the same rate and usually were in the same grade at school because she has downs syndrome! she still lives at home with our folks. her favorite things are one direction, the colour purple, and Toy story! she collects toy story toys and horse figurines bc she loves horses. we actually have a mini hourse on the farm for eva! eva works at a hair dressers, she does the laundry for them. she loves being social and spending time with people especially kids and babies. 

then theres me heheheh the bastard himself… well i am just sexy and cool and awesome!