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lairofmxnsters · 5 years

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Titans: Shaping Religion & Mythology

So, as we all know, the King of the Monsters film gave us quite a LOT of new Titans, outside of the four trademark ones, being Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and King Ghidorah (Five if you wanna count the alleged skeletal remains of Anguirus). But what you all might not know (or might know) was that many of these Titans were given very specific names. Names that already exists in other types of circumstances. Especially pertaining towards religion and mythology. So how come that Legendary Entertainment chose such specific names for them? Was it perhaps for the sake of cool, inspiring names? Or perhaps with the intent of implying... that all of our modern-world religious beliefs and mythic histories were all based around Titans? Let us delve deeper into some of the Titans that were included in the film;

(However, I will not go into detail about Behemoth, Methuselah, or Scylla, since we already got them shown on screen in the film, just those that were mentioned, but not shown)

Titanus Abaddon

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Right out of the gate, we have confirmation of a Titan named after a prominent figure out of the Christian Bible; Abaddon, the Angel of the Bottomless Pit, who sent an army of locusts against the followers of The Lord. And incase you didn’t know, the ‘locusts’ were pictured like this. And quite ironically, his outpost is placed under Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.

So, how can we imagine that the Titan incarnation of Abaddon looked like? Well, since it was talked about that the Christian Abaddon released an army of locusts, then I am thinking something insectoid. Perhaps something of an insectoid/mammalian hybrid, due to the Bible’s depictions of the locusts.

Titanus Amhuluk

Next, we have a Titan based on a monster from the folklore of the Kalapuya Indians, Amhuluk, who resided near the Manpupuner Rock Formations in Russia’s Komi Republic. In the folklore, Amhuluk is described as ‘a large monster on four legs, with long horns, a spotted body, and followed by small dogs, also spotted’. So maybe something like a horned dog, maybe? That’d be cool to see.

Titanus Baphomet

And yet again, a name that I believe is renowned by many Christians and Satanists alike; Baphomet. The deity worshiped by the Knights Templar, and subsequently tarnished and associated with satanic cults, under the name of the ‘horned sabbatic goat’. The reason I say ‘tarnished’ is because in fact, Baphomet was originally based on an Old French misspelling of Muhammad, famously invoked by King Philip IV, as a god worshiped by the Knights Templar. It was located in Volubilis, an ancient Berber city near Meknes, Morocco.

So perhaps the appearance of the Titan Baphomet could’ve made people believe it was a symbol of satanism instead? Something with a giant, malformed or ‘hellish-looking’ goat’s head?

Titanus Bunyip

Titanus Bunyip, located near Uluru, or Ayers Rock, Australia, is a Titan based on a swamp monster from Aboriginal folklore. In most recorded reports of ‘sightings’ of a Bunyip, it is described as a sort of seal-dog hybrid between 4 and 6 feet long, with round heads resembling a Bulldog’s, prominent ears, no tails, and whiskers like that of a seal or otter. A giant version of that? Pretty awesome.

Titanus Kraken

Yeah, no image for this one, because this was a Titan that was only in the novelization of KOTM, but I felt like this one was worthy of putting in ‘cause there’s a lot of details about him. So he was kept within a Monarch outpost in the Indian Ocean that was built around him, and he was described as a giant octopus-like Titan with ‘a dense, curving cone of shell’ protecting his head. He had multiple hearts and brains, could change his color and pattern at will, and could extensively regenerate any part of his body. So basically, in this description, he comes off as a Titan-sized Ammonite, with the physical capabilities of a squid/octopus.

Titanus Leviathan

Ironically located in Loch Ness, Scotland, despite not being called ‘Nessie’, Leviathan is the oceanic counterpart to Behemoth in the Hebrew Bible, and may as well be the reason for all the myths surrounding the Loch Ness Monster, or ‘Nessie’. So, another giant sea monster, but perhaps more leaning towards a whale than anything else, considering Behemoth was more mammalian, and due to their similar religious inspiration, perhaps Leviathan is more mammalian too.

Titanus Mokele-Mbembe

The sauropod cryptic known as Mokele-Mbembe was also referenced in the film, and was located in Jebel Barkal, Sudan. As it is known, Mokele-Mbembe is based on a cryptid monster hailing from Congo, said to inhabit its rivers. In the novelization, his role was expanded upon, and he was described as having ‘four thick legs, a massive, snake-like tail, a curved horn on his head pulsing with a very faint green light, a head that looks something like an earless elephant, except that its tusks are turned down, rather than up, and a mouth that opens like a crocodile’s, revealing thousands of teeth.

Titanus Quetzalcoatl

No location image for this either, but it is said to originate from Macchu Pichu, an ancient Incan citadel in Peru. Its name is derived from the Mesoamerican feathered serpent god, and it is most likely that it shared similar appearance as the god in description.

Titanus Sekhmet

To no surprise, hailing from Cairo, Egypt, the Titan Sekhmet is obviously named after the Egyptian Goddess of War and Healing. Being a goddess depicted with a lioness head, it could be possible that Sekhmet is a feline-based Titan.

Titanus Tiamat

Now we are getting into some heavy hitting names here. Titanus Tiamat is located in Stone Mountain, Georgia, and its name is derived after the Mesopotamian/Babylonian ‘mother goddess’, who played a big role in the Mesopotamian/Babylonian creation myth, where Tiamat of the Salt Sea mated with Abzû, the God of Fresh Waters, to produce younger gods.

Titanus Typhon

Titanus Typhon, named after Typhon, also known as the mate of Echidna, and ‘Father of Monsters’ in Greek mythology, was located in Angkor Wat, Cambodia. Now, seeing as this Titan was named after a Greek mythological figure that was the FATHER of all monsters of that mythology, it would be a fun theory that perhaps Typhon is the father of all Titans, including Godzilla, but it is highly unlikely that is the case, and is just for show.

Titanus Yamata no Orochi

And finally, the third with no location picture available, is Yamata-no-Orochi, the Eight-Headed Serpent of Japanese mythology, located in a Monarch base under Mt. Fuji, Japan. Ironically, Yamata-no-Orochi has appeared in previous Toho films “The Three Treasures”, and “Orochi, the Eight-Headed Dragon”, and GMK (Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah) even presented Ghidorah as a juvenile Orochi, though we know this is probably not the case in KOTM. Either way, Yamata-no-Orochi is a very prominent mythological beast, only able to be slain and defeated by one of the Shinto gods, Susano’o, after he was cast down on Earth, and managed to lure Orochi in with fresh Sake, trapping the eight heads in wicker baskets, and cutting off the heads.

#headcanons #theory crafting #world building #godzilla king of the monsters #titans #godzilla kotm

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noita-taika · 7 years

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Notes on “Tales of Finnish History – The Pagan Times“

Tales of Finnish History – The Pagan Times, Chapter V - by Julius Krohn, 1877

ISBN 978-952-5774-02-3

Notes by Hukkatar / @noita-taika

Disclaimer: The original text is in Finnish and written in an old font. I have done my best to translate accurately what I have deemed to be the most important information. Please do not hesitate to send me asks!

1. The general nature of the religion

Ancestors believed everything has a spirit. Not only did they speak to animals as if they were people, but also things such as e.g. iron.

At the birth of iron, it had been tainted by snake’s poison, corrupting its true purpose.

To addition to all of the spirits, there were countless haltija that took care of nature. Every stone, tree, river, and animal, including humans, had a haltija that took care, guided and protected

Hukkatar’s note: In modern Finnish, haltija means “owner of something”, while haltia is used when talking about elves and sprites. However, when these two words are spoken out loud they sound exactly the same. I believe that these words most likely didn’t have any difference for the ancient Finns – an elf of the tree is a haltija.

If someone wished to call for something or protect themselves from something, they would turn to the haltija of that thing with prayers and offerings.

Not all haltija are equally powerful. Some were tied to specific trees or species of trees, while others had under their control the entire element. E.g. Pihlajatar is the haltija of rowan, while Tapio is the haltija of the forest.

The more powerful haltija were also called gods.

Ukko, the god of the sky, was considered the High God. However, while he did have a large influence and was often prayed to, most of the gods were independently powerful in their own elements.

2. Ukko, the Sky God

Ukko, being the first revered god, was often simply called ‘Jumala’, meaning god, which is nowadays the word for the Christian God.

The origin of the word ‘jumala’ comes from the word ‘jumu’, or thunder, and the suffix –la indicates a location. Therefore, ‘jumala’ means home of the thunder - the sky.

Hukkatar’s note: Other such similar words are: Tapiola, Ahtola, Pohjola, Tuonela

When other gods began to appear, the name Ukko was given to the Sky God. It is an honorary name that showed people saw him as the High God.

Other names: Sky Father

Pitkänen, for ‘pitkänen’ (lit. long one) also means lightning, his weapon

Pauanne, for ‘pauke’ (lit. loud noise) means thunder, his voice

Ukko means ‘old man’. He was described to wear blue socks, colorful boots, and a fiery shirt. The rainbow was his hunting bow, from where he shot his steel arrows. His sword, Lightning, had a fiery blade that gleams and was pulled from a fiery sheath. But the most terrible was his voice, which even enemies didn’t wish upon each other

Ukko lived on the ninth heaven, upon the clouds, himself on the center of the sky. The road there went amongst the stars.

As the Sky God, Ukko took care and governed all the events that happened in the sky. Therefore he affected peoples’ lives outside; hunting, fishing, farming

Protected and took care of human and cattle. He was also a master at medicines and people prayed for him to drop some of his miracles with the rain. Wounds and pestilences were seen as evil spirits, and thus Ukko was prayed to defeat them with his sword and arrows. He also punished murderers, thieves and other evil.

Naturally he was also a god of war with his fiery weapons. He had a different name when in his war aspect, Turisas (also Tursas, Turis, Taara, Tyrjä), never used in other occasions

3. The Creation of the World

Despite Ukko being seen as quite mighty and powerful, the Finns didn’t believe this world to be only his creation. The only part which Ukko did was to separate the elements: with his hand he separated water from air, from water he separated the earth. However, everything was left unshaped and unorganized.

In the air, where it was very lonely, the youngest of the Air Maidens, Ilmatar, descended into the sea and became pregnant. A bluebill bird noticed Ilmatar’s knee poking out of the sea, and laid its eggs there. While incubating these eggs, Ilmatar moved her knee and the eggs broke into bits and pieces. From these pieces the world was formed.

At this point, the rest of the work was given to the sons of Kaleva (Kalevanpojat).

Hukkatar’s note: Referencing to Mythologia Fennica, Kaleva was a giant and a father of 12 sons; most of the names are forgotten. Kalevanpojat were also giants who worked miracles on the land

Väinämöinen, who was born from Ilmatar, and was the oldest and the wisest of all the sons, arranged the waters and lands into a more orderly fashion.

Pellervoinen decorated the land with all sorts of plants; pines, spruces, birches.

Ilmarinen, the great smith, raised above the heavens. He forged the Skylid (Taivaankansi).

The nature of creation of living beings varies and they didn’t all appear at once. Different poems tell the creation of these beings

4. The Haltija of the Sky

Maidens of the Sky (Ilman Immet)

Daughters of Nature (Luonnottaret) also lived in the heavens, usually weaving and spinning.

Utu-tyttö or Terhenetär weaved fog

Uteretar made the steam in the sauna have healing properties

Päivätär, who weaved the silver of the sun; sun goddes

Kuutar, who weaved the gold of the moon; moon goddess

Otavatar, haltija of Ursa Major

Tähdetär, star goddess

Also male deities were present

Päivä-poika, god of day. People prayed him to return the next day. During winter they asked him to start the next cycle of the year.

Kuu-poika, god of night. All important things should begin when the moon is waxing to ensure good luck.

Poika Pohjantähti, god of North Star

Three homes in the heavens; Päivölä (home of day/sun), Kuutola (home of moon), and Tähtelä (home of stars)

Tuuli, wind god (* of varying moods and loyalties

*)Tuuli is today a feminine name

Tuuletar, wind goddess, daughter of Tuuli

Etelätär/ Suvetar. Goddess of summer winds and cattle.

Puhuri/Hyytämöinen, God of cold and north

Pakkanen, son of Puhuri. God of north wind.

5. The Haltija of the Sea

The highest haltija of the sea are Ahti (also Ahto, Ahta) and his wife Vellamo. Ahti is described to be an old, honorable man, with seaweed as his beard and sea foam as his clothes. Vellamo on the other hand beautiful, dressed in a reed dress. She is usually more even-mooded and helpful to humans than her husband

Live in Ahtola, in the bottom of the ocean, but also visit waters inland.

Have a large amount of children and servants, mainly female

Vellamo’s maidens

Aallotar, goddess of waves

Kuohu-neiti, goddess of rapids

Melatar, goddess of paddles

Pikku-mies (lit. little-man); first appears as a tiny little man, barely up to the belly of the woman. However, he suddenly grows up tall enough for his head to reach the clouds. Cut the massive oak tree that prevented the sun and moon from shining for Väinämöinen; also known as Tursas, Iku-Turso.

Asked for help when fishing or traveling on water

Everything that goes underwater becomes Ahti’s. Drowned people become his servants. Many treasures which Ahti uses to test humans from time to time. The pieces of the broken Sampo fell into the sea.

6. The Haltija of the Forests

The ancient Finns thought the godly beings of the forests to be the most benevolent and helpful. As hunting and gathering were the main sources for food and materials at the time, this is only natural. Although Ukko is mighty with his thunder and lightning, the people loved more the haltija of the forests who gave them food to their bellies.

This changed when agriculture became more important. Ukko’s power and position rose considerably.

Tapio is the highest forest haltija with his wife Mielikki. Tapio is described to be a very tall old man with lichen as his beard; a hat made out of sprigs, and a jacket of moss. Due to his tall hat, he is also sometimes called Hippa.

Hukkatar’s note: Hippa is still one of the most popular games in Finland. The game itself is similar to tag, where you yell “hippa!” when you catch someone. “Hippasilla” also means to hide in a playful manner from something.

Tapio is described to be very precise with his kingdom and in all his doings.

Mielikki, sometimes called Mimerkki or Simanter, is the gentle forest hostess. She is described to be clean and dressed in a blue cloak and red socks. By nature she is gentler than her husband, an skillful in many ways. She carries the golden keys to Tapiola

Nyyrikki, son of Tapio, takecarer of squirrels

Hillervo or Tellervo, daughter of Mielikki, takecarer of otters

Tuulikki, daughter of Mielikki, goddess of grain

Metsän tytöt (Forest’s girls) or Sinipiiat (blue maidens) – Mielikki’s servants

Every tree species has its own haltija

Hongatar, Tuometar, Katajatar, Pihlajatar, Lemmes

Some animals have been nursed or brought to life by Mielikki or by one of her many children

Käreitär was the mother of foxes

Live in Tapiola, in the wildest of the Wilds. Also called Metsola, Lumilinna (snow castle), or Sarvilinna (Horned castle)

Three castles stand side-by-side; one of wood, one of bone, one of stone

Mielikki serves there mead (sima)

7. The Haltija of the Earth Mother

There was little agriculture in ancient Finland, and what prayers were needed for the crops usually went to Ukko as he controlled the weather. However, the people still believed that the Earth itself also had a haltija, often called Maaemo (earth mother), Eukko or Akka (old lady). She is said to be Ukko’s wife. Together they watch the world, one from the heavens, and one from below the earth.

There are a few mentions of other haltija of agriculture; Pellervo or Pellervoinen, one of Kaleva’s sons, sometimes called Pellon Pekka; the Finnish harvest festival Kekri was most likely held in honor of the god himself, but if Kekri was a separate entity or another name for Ukko is not certain.

8. Tuonela or Manala; the Underworld

All dead went to a place below the earth, far away from the living, across nine and a half oceans. What marked the border of Tuonela was Tuonen joki (Tuoni’s River), a river of black, angry water. It encircles Tuonela and was never mentioned without fear. Vows made by the river were the most sacred, most binding ones.

Tuonen tyttö (Tuoni’s daughter) ferries the dead across the river. Her face is dark and in her heart she is evil like the other denizens of Tuonela.

Everything is in Tuonela the same way as in the world of living, but by nature more evil and deadly. The soil is full of adders and the beer given to Tuoni’s guests is full of frogs and worms.The only source of light is a cold moon.

The ruler of Tuonela is Tuoni, other names are Threefingers, Mana and Manalainen. His wife is Tuonetar or Manatar, an ugly hag who weaves iron string. From this string Tuoni makes iron nets that his son, Tuonen Poika, uses across Tuoni’s river catching the undead that try to flee. Hence the saying: “Many go to Tuonela, but few return.”

Tuoni himself didn’t kill. Usually he sends Kalma to take care of it, or one of the deadly diseases. Loviatar, also Louhi, created diseases. She is the worst of Tuoni’s daughters, the most evil of Manattaret (female haltijas of Manala). She gave birth to nine diseases; sting, colic, gout, rachitis, eschar, cancer, abscess and plague. Her ninth son was the witch.

Hukkatar’s note: In some occasions Louhi is considered to be the wise of Tuoni or even the true ruler of Tuonela.

Another Tuoni’s daughters Kivutar or Kiputytyttö (pain daughter), took care of Kipuvuori (Painmountain) or Kipumäki (Painhill), which stood in a delta of the Tuoni river. It was possible to ask for her aid to take illnesses or pain, punish it, and force it to return to the mountain.

The dead work as servants to the haltijas but otherwise continued life as they had when living. Evil people Tuoni punished by giving them burning stony beds with adders as covers

Dead spirits were greatly respected and feared, but if pleased could give invaluable help and advice.

9. Hiisi and Lempo

A different kind of evil from Tuoni, Hiisi was maliciousness himself. He was called also Lempo or Paholainen. Hiisi and his people lived under the mountains, in a place called Hiitola. Other names are Piru and Perkele, words that come from the Samí thunder god Perun and Perkunas

Hukkatar’s note: Paholainen and Piru are today used to name the Christian Devil.

Hiisi’s favorite past time was to cause havoc and chaos. He created Syöjätär, an evil she-demon who then gave birth to animals like snakes and frogs, and caused their nature be corrupted. Hiisi also created wasps to sabotage Ilmarinen’s work and thus corrupted iron.

However, the ancient Finns rarely saw haltija as only evil or good. Ukko could sometimes seek revenge, or Ahti drown someone to get his treasures. Hiisi could be asked to punish robbers or ask for his moose to quickly ride the pain away.

10. Sukkamieli

Sukkamieli (lit. sock mind) or Lempi was the Finnish goddess of love. She had the power to alter the minds of others, for good or bad. Young women had various rituals to make prayers and offerings to her and ask for love.

11. Celebrations

At the end of November, the ancestors were ready for the winter and held a celebration for the upcoming year, called Vuodenalkajaiset. This was also time when the dead were allowed to come check on the living, which is why it’s also called Henkien päiviksi. The sauna was heated up as if someone was going to use it, and good food was brought to the ancestor spirits to enjoy upon. If pleased, they would give many blessings to the living for the year to come. The host himself would welcome the invisible guests and a day later wish them farewell. The dead also enjoyed silence, and people went to great lengths to avoid causing noise during these liminal days.

Kekri was most likely the same celebration

Another main celebration was Vakkue or Ukon Vakat in May, when the seeds were sown into the earth. A vakka was filled with sacrifices and then taken to a sacred mountain for Ukko. This was to ensure a good summer weather so that the crops would grow and hunt plentiful. Helajuhlat were also celebrated around this time. Girls and boys would dance around a bonfire, called helavalkeat. To young girls women wished luck with marriage, and to women girls wished luck with children.

Hukkatar’s notes: These two celebrations, Kerki and Hela, are in nature very similar to Samhain and Beltane. Vappu is Mayday, a somewhat modern thing but I believe it happens at the same time as Hela and/or Vakka did – it simply was too cold to sow the seeds before May. The image below is my take on the Finnish Wheel of Year with personal touches. The year begins from Kekri (Samhain). Take it for whatever worth; I only have historical evidence of Kekri and Hela/Vakka/Vappu.

12. Sacrifices and Sacred Places

Usually sacrifices were given as ways for the haltijat to have a taste of what the people have to offer, or to please by giving the best. Animals were usually offered to the forest haltija, while silver to the water haltija. To Ukko people gave only the best, such as sheep, oxes, or goats.

Sacred places were high mountains, clear springs, raging rivers, certain trees or rocks, entire areas. The name “Pyhä” in front of a place name tells of a sacred location. E.g. Pyhäjärvi.

To the haltijat of the house, offerings were usually placed in corners or in places where they could take them without being seen. Most households also had a specific tree (usually a spruce) where they took their offerings.

13. Seers

Often the master of the house was also the priest of the house. He took care of any dealings with the haltija as he was a haltija of the household in a manner, too. But for bigger workings a seer was called. Although priests, they were also doctors and diviners.

Like the Samí in the North, it is thought very possible that the seers used drums in their workings. However, when Christianity came the seers changed their tools into less suspicious ones.

The seers also used songspells while dancing and thus entering a trance state. They could, for example, sing about the creation of a disease and then ask why it is bothering this person. By knowing the creation of things, it was believed the seers could control it to some degree.

When the seer fainted or otherwise entered an altered state of mind, it was believed he had entered to world of haltija, where he could access divine knowledge that had been beyond his limits before.

Hukkatar’s note: So the word ‘to be in trance’ would be ‘olla haltijoissaan’

While his body lay as if dead, it was said his spirit moved as a bird, or a fish, or whatever shape necessary for him to take. Sometimes he had to go to the Upperworld, where Ukko and his folks lived, or visit Tapiola, or Ahtola, or even Manala. The journeys to Tuonela were the most dangerous ones.

Because seers usually knew better prayers and poems to the haltija, they were usually also the ones to ask, beg, threaten, pray or otherwise alter whatever was going on. Since everything has a haltija, it was possible to affect them.

Seers were both women and men, but more commonly men. Usually the songspells and the skills were passed on from father to son, mother to daughter. The songs were public property and were sung by everyone, just with varying degrees of knowledge and skills. Sometimes they took pupils in which case it was important for the pupil to get a new name.

Skillful seers were of course held in high respect. Wisdom and the skill of spells was considered more valuable than courage. Some powerful seers have become haltija, for example Väinämöinen and Ilmarinen ascended to godhood after the events in Kalevala.

Let me know if there’s anything you wish to ask!

#suomenusko #finnish paganism #paganism #finnish mythology

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purple-spring · 7 years

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Tomorrow - a SH fanfic

Author’s Note: This is my first SH fic and I have absolutely loved writing it. While I know that RPF is controversial for some, this was a piece I wanted to write to speculate on how SH began. This is obviously purely a work of fiction, and no offense is intended. Inspired by the following songs: “FOOLS” (Troye Sivan), “Television Romance” (Pale Waves) and “Can We Work It Out” (Gordi). A huuuuuuge thank you to @jandjsalmon and @theladylabyrinth for all their feedback and encouragement!

Summary: Lili and Cole are friends. Really good friends. So what happens when she wakes up next to him on a couch?

“What would it be like to let him in, to let herself love him? What would it be like to take a chance, to abandon her fears and leap freely into the unknown?”

Fic after the cut. Enjoy! And I love love love feedback, so leave me some love in my asks; hate will be blocked and deleted!

What came first was the warmth. A languid, pleasant warmth that reminded her of… of what? Of Christmas morning, she thought, with a sleepy smile. The gentle anticipation. The feeling of being home.

The second thing was her neck. It hurt. It rested awkwardly not on her own pillow but on the flat, firm surface of a couch that was definitely not her bed. She forced her eyes open and squinted against the bright California sun streaming in through the balcony.

Debby’s balcony. She was at Debby’s place. On Debby’s couch. Fuck. Guess I didn’t make it home last night.

She blinked slowly, attempting to rouse from her groggy haze. She’d overslept. Usually she was up by this time, but a few late nights in a row must have thrown her body off its normal cycle. But despite that, and despite the pain in her neck, she realized that she hadn’t actually slept this well in ages – a deep, dreamless slumber snuggled underneath a giant blanket. Maybe that’s why I feel warmer than usual.

Her neck really was killing her, though. She turned slightly to try and crack it, but was startled by something - someone - shifting behind her. An arm tightening protectively around her waist. A hand half-curled underneath her t-shirt, grazing her bare stomach. A sleepy groan mumbled into her hair. And, most tellingly, the faint scent of a familiar cologne cut by the slight undertone of cigarette smoke.

No.

She suddenly remembered.

Cole.

FUCK.

Her stomach dropped. Cole was spooning her. She had fallen asleep with Cole.

If she could have, she would’ve screamed. But she didn’t want to wake him and face the awkwardness of the situation, so she settled for gritting her teeth and shutting her eyes as tightly as she could, until she saw stars. A thousand thoughts streamed through her mind.

Is Debby awake? SHIT SHIT SHIT. HAS DEBBY ALREADY SEEN US?

I should go. Yup. Definitely need to go.

Okay, Lili. Focus. We can do this. But we need a plan.

Maybe I can sneak into the kitchen, make myself a coffee and pretend that nothing happened once he wakes up.

No. He’s not that gullible. He’ll know.

Okay, how about I pretend to fall out and then we can just laugh about it after? Then it’ll all just be a stupid joke, no harm done! Right? Haha.

Oh, god. Fuck. This is the worst. I’m just gonna go home. Screw it if he wakes up. I am not equipped for this.

Then, in the midst of all the rambling, a traitorous thought.

Or I could stay.

Her breath hitched at the audacity of the suggestion. She shut her eyes against it. No. No. We’ve been through this, Lili.

She felt her throat tightening, eyes threatening to brim over with tears. Images flashed through her head of the torture she had subjected herself to these past few months - letting herself fall for him and then battling, resisting, attempting to undo everything she felt for him.

Because this was all just so typical. Here, lying down next to each other, without any certainty of what they actually were… it was classic Cole and Lili. Affection without definition. Entanglement without clarity.

She sighed. A sigh that she felt all the way down to her bones.

How did we get here, Cole?

…

The immediate, short-term answer to the question was fairly simple.

Debby, Cole’s friend, former co-star and temporary roommate, had texted her the night before with an invitation to come over for dinner. “Cole’s still out of town so I’m getting the girls together for dinner. You down?” With nothing but ketchup and a bag of frozen peas sitting in her fridge, and with no other plans than hitting up her beloved Taco Bell again, she quickly replied with a grateful “yes”.

Lili had become fast friends with Debby since Cole introduced them to each other. Debby was lovely, down-to-earth and, in all honesty, not at all what she’d expected. If she’d been a psychologist or an anthropologist, Lili would have loved to have analysed both Debby and Cole as outlier case studies for the Disney child star phenomenon. They were both smart, worldly, kind and well-adjusted – totally opposite to the cliché of the bitter, washed-up, cynical ex-Disney kid (although she just knew that Cole would probably pipe up at this and say that he was bitter, washed-up and cynical. And then she’d have to roll her eyes and give him real-life examples of why he wasn’t any of those things. And in the middle of passionately enumerating ways in which he wasn’t bitter, he’d stare at her and say, “Okay, relax, Dr. Phil. I was kidding.”)

Lili hadn’t realized that being friends with Debby, well before anyone else on the cast had even met her, was somewhat significant, until she mentioned it in passing to Madelaine over lunch.

“Wait,” the redhead said in between sips of her smoothie. “So you’ve met Debby? Debby Ryan?”

“Um, yeah. Haven’t you?” While it was true that Cole and Lili had been cast first and had been acquainted since February, the rest of the Riverdale gang were becoming closer and were starting to mingle within each other’s circles.

“No. I mean, I’ve come across Debby at a few parties, but unless you count smiling at her awkwardly while re-applying mascara in the bathroom, then no, I haven’t actually met her.”

“Oh.”

“And I certainly haven’t had Cole introduce me to her.” Madelaine looked at her pointedly.

Huh. That was odd. But of course she’d met Debby. Cole was living with her while he was in LA. And Lili had assumed…

Well, what? That Cole brought all of his gal pals over to his place and got them to hang out regularly with one of his best friends? That this was just a normal occurrence for anyone within his circle?

Yeah, kind of?

She was startled to realize that this wasn’t true. Madelaine had a point - she was the only one. She’d even met Dylan, too. To the outside eye, that was… something. But he happened to be in town, she reasoned. And Cole and I had plans to hang out anyway, so…

“Lils, you there?”

Lili snapped back to attention and quickly changed the subject to cover up her thoughts. She brought up their plans to go bike-riding in Vancouver. In no time, Madelaine was distracted, chattering excitedly in between using her phone to find the best bike rides in the city. Lili contributed to the conversation whenever she had to, but her mind was somewhere else. The rest of that lunch – and every day since then, really – she couldn’t shake off that mild revelation that what she and Cole had wasn’t quite the same as what everyone else did.

…

How did we get here, Cole? Now, the long answer. This was more complicated.

What did she feel for him, anyway? ‘Like’ and ‘love’ were simplistic, overused terms. Of course she liked him. They were way beyond that. Did she love him? She wasn’t sure. This was why she rejected those terms to begin with – they were too vague, too general. They didn’t describe the way she felt whenever she was with him, or away from him.

If she could distil it to its essence, she’d say that she and Cole fit, in a way that calmed and exhilarated her in equal measure. It was easy being friends with him. That part came naturally to Lili. Like laughing at a really good punchline, or breathing in oxygen after being underwater for too long. They knew each other uncannily. They laughed at the same jokes and finished each other’s sentences. She told him once that he challenged her views on reincarnation because surely they’d met in a past life. Soon it became a running joke between them. He even created an entire fictional universe about their past lives as otters living along the Nile River (“That… is so random, Cole.” “Well you try studying archaeology for four years and not having Egypt in your subconscious. Shut up and let me have my otter dream.”)

But then there was also… him. She’d be lying if she said that she didn’t find him objectively attractive. It was disarming, to say the least, even though it lay underneath the rumpled clothes he insisted on wearing, which she didn’t mind. If anything, while his brother and his friends teased him by observing a strict roll call for his small roster of shirts (“It’s Tuesday, Cole, how come you’re wearing the Friday Orange?”), she found it endearing, and it drew her in and intrigued her. He was like a prince in exile, determined to downplay any part of him that referenced his darkly glittering childhood. But that face – the keen, blue stare, the mischievous mouth, the constellation of freckles – could not have been more at odds with the concealment. It was a face that was going to stand out no matter what.

So it was that Lili found herself veering between appreciating their easy friendship and then looking up and realizing that the goofball who was making her laugh was also the same man who could make her heart stop in its tracks.

And he wasn’t helping, either. Sure, there were times when she she felt like nothing more than a pal. Like when he’d throw fries at her head. Or FaceTime her at 3 in the morning to show her a cat he’d come across during a shoot (“Very nice, Cole. Now fuck off,” she had said while he cackled at her groggy face dotted with pimple cream. “IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS PLANNING ON SEEING ANYONE, my god, go away”).

But then, there were other times that made her wonder. Like that time when she mentioned that she’d damaged the original lens on her camera, and woke up one morning to a package on her table containing a newer, much better one, attached with a note simply scribbled “For future adventures -C.” And all the times – she couldn’t have just imagined them, there were too many – she’d catch him staring just a fraction longer, with a small smile playing on his lips.

Those were the times when she’d let her guard down, let herself imagine. What would it be like to let him in, to let herself love him? What would it be like to take a chance, to abandon her fears and leap freely into the unknown?

It didn’t matter, anyway. Because the more these feelings took root in her heart, the more she felt and fretted at the weight of the year ahead. With Riverdale getting the green light for a full season after a successful pilot, they were going to be filming full-time as co-workers. This was her big break; this was his return to the spotlight. There was a lot at stake for both of them, and there simply was no room for this foolishness. She couldn’t risk it. She was just going to have to shut it down and get over it somehow.

For herself. And for him, too.

…

For dinner, Debby had somehow managed to concoct a delicious compromise between her healthy eating habits and Lili’s more decidedly low-brow tastes (“Fish tacos!” Lili had exclaimed. “Deb, this is like if you and I got married and had taco babies”). The night was fun and light, and Lili found that she was enjoying herself more than she had all week.

That was until they heard the front door open and a large bag dropping onto the floor.

“Hey, I was gonna yell, ‘anyone home’, but I think the answer’s fairly obvious.”

Cole made his way into the dining room and they all burst into surprised elation.

Except Lili. She felt like throwing up. Well, fuck. She’d been studiously avoiding him – his texts, his calls, his social media – and now there was barely half a room between them. Right before he left, she had sworn to herself that she couldn’t do this anymore, this complicated dance of intense closeness and uncertain labels that only she seemed to be aware of. So she decided that she was going to use his absence productively, to take some space away from him. Out of sight, out of mind, she reasoned. And hopefully out of heart. The first few days were pure torture, but after managing to keep herself busy and out of the house, she was doing well.

Not anymore. Now, seeing his face, his shirt rumpled from travel, she was falling apart.

Debby got up and gave him a quick hug before looking for an extra plate. “Cole Mitchell. I thought you weren’t gonna be home until Friday?”

“Yeah, shoot wrapped up early. We got most of what we wanted on the first day, and one of the models who was scheduled for a later day managed to free up some time.” He looked around the room and spotted her. His face registered shock, and her heart ached as she watched him trying to contain it. “Hey, Lili.”

Fuck. He knew. Of course he knew she was avoiding him. She heard it in those two words, the measured casualness of his voice, the way he said her full name – Lili – unlike everyone else who shortened or lengthened it to Lils or Lilipad or Lilibeth. And fuck him because he just knew how to play it, how to say those two words so that she’d pay attention to what he was trying to say. Hey, you. Where’ve you been?

“Hey, Cole.”

The room tensed momentarily as everyone caught on to the odd coldness between the two. This was, after all, Cole and Lili. Cole, who knew exactly how she took her coffee. Lili, who’d freely walk into Cole’s bedroom to drag his blanket off his bed whenever she was cold.

Debby cut through the awkwardness. “Uh, Cole, you wanted dinner, right?”

“Yep.” After another significant look, Cole made his way into the kitchen. Lili wanted to sink into the floor. When he came back with his plate, he sat well away from her and started a conversation with someone else. She wanted to leave, but she knew that that was only going to attract attention after their little moment. So she resolved to stay and grit her teeth through it, figuring she’d make her escape once everyone left.

She really should’ve known. She should’ve predicted that Cole knew her too well, was far too ingenious to just let her go. They had already started putting everything away when he piped up. “I feel like watching a movie tonight, guys,” he said. “Anyone up for a Baz Luhrmann movie marathon? Strictly Ballroom? Romeo and Juliet?” He caught her eye. “Moulin Rouge?”

You little shit. She wanted to throttle him. Not only did he know it was her favourite film, he knew that Debby knew it, too. And there was no way she was going to get the opportunity to beg off the night without seeming rude.

Debby lit up. “Oh my god, yes. We haven’t done that in ages. Lil! Weren’t you saying you hadn’t seen that in months?”

Lili looked wearily at Cole. He looked right back at her, a shit-eating grin on his face. I win. She couldn’t help it. She burst into laughter. He did, too.

“Fine,” she said, settling into the couch. “But we’re skipping Strictly Ballroom and getting straight into some classic old-school DiCaprio.”

Cole settled right next to her. With his forelock falling carelessly across his face, a roguish look in his eyes, of course he had to be the very image of Leo himself. Calm down.

He smiled. Her heart stuttered. “Fine by me.”

…

Lili waited for Cole to snark her about ghosting him. He didn’t. If anything, he seemed determinedly normal, whispering random commentary throughout the movie that made her laugh. She wanted to be annoyed. After all, it had taken considerable effort to ignore him all week. But being with him again - talking to him, trading barbs and banter - was like crawling toward sunlight after languishing in the dark.

After Romeo and Juliet finished, Debby’s friends decided to call it a night. Lili got up and stretched. Cole smiled lazily up at her. “Hey, you,” he said. There was something strange about him.

“Hey, yourself,” Lili replied. “You’re in a funny mood.”

“Yeah? What mood am I in?”

“I don’t know, you’re just being weird.”

Cole smirked in reply and shrugged. “You’re staying for Moulin Rouge, right?”

Lili hesitated. She was starting to feel a little tired. “I… don’t know.”

“Oh, come oooonnn. I’m a little jetlagged and buzzed and could probably do with some company, to be honest.”

“You have Debby.”

“Yeah, but Debby’s boring.”

Debby poked her head in from the kitchen. “I heard that!”

“I meant for you to!” Cole quickly ducked as Debby threw a bag of chips at him, then turned to Lili. “See what I have to put up with? You have to stay. Please.”

“Just stay, Lil!” Debby called out. “I’ll whip up some fresh guac for the chips and bring out some chocolate as well.”

Lili sighed and turned to Cole. “Can you at least promise to drive me home if I get too sleepy?”

“I promise.”

What choice did she have? This was Moulin Rouge and Cole. “Alright, you big baby,” she said, laughing at his puppy dog eyes. “I’ll stay.”

…

Moulin Rouge was Lili’s favourite movie and an absolute assault on the sense, but it didn’t take long for her to feel drowsy. She took advantage of all the snacks Debby had laid out in the living room in an attempt to keep herself awake, but all the sugar was just causing her to crash. She needed to lie down.

“Cole?”

“Mmm?”

“I feel sleepy.”

Cole nodded and shifted down the couch to give her space to stretch out. She settled into her new position, tucking her feet under her so he could have some space.

But he gently resisted that, propping her feet on his lap. She would have protested, insisting that he didn’t have to, but soon he was tracing lazy circles on her ankle with his thumb, and she did not have the energy to fight how good it felt, or overthink whatever the hell it meant.

Soon Debby got up from her spot on the floor and announced that she was going to bed. She turned to Cole. “Can you please turn off the lights? And make sure Lils gets home.” He nodded. She and Lili bid each other a sleepy good night, and she retreated to her bedroom.

Cole and Lili stayed still on the couch as the movie kept playing. Lili had no idea what they were watching anymore - she was fighting her sleep, but more than that, she was fully aware that she and Cole were alone together for the first time in weeks. Which she was usually comfortable with. Tonight, however, something unspoken hung in the air between them.

Suddenly, he got up and walked off in the direction of his room. She was briefly startled, until he came back into the living room holding his dark blue plaid blanket, which he’d dragged off his bed. “Here,” he said, throwing it over to her. “I knew you were approximately thirty seconds from whining about freezing your ass off.”

She laughed as he sat back down on the couch. “Oh yeah? And I do this regularly now, do I?”

“Yep. You’ve also made me watch this musical a thousand times, AND” - he covered her mouth with his hand as she started to interrupt - “you’re going to correct me and say, ‘Cole, don’t be a peasant, it’s a jukebox musical, not a musical, and yes there’s a difference.’”

“There IS a difference. And now you know, so I’ve taught you well, young Padawan.” She pulled the blanket over her body and closed her eyes. “What else do I do?” she asked, yawning.

He looked at her for a moment, his mouth opening and closing, as if to measure what he was about to say next. “You go to Starbucks and always get a size too big, and make me drink the rest of whatever sugary confection you’ve ordered that day. Your favourite VSCO filter is C3, even though it’s obviously trash. Your favourite shirts are all white, despite the fact that you always spill something on yourself - case in point, the salsa on your top tonight.”

“Hey, how did you –”

“Also, you suck at driving my Jeep –”

“I can SO drive your Jeep.”

“–you suck at driving my Jeep, no matter how many times I’ve walked you through it.” He laughed, and his gaze softened. “You buy a new notebook every other week because you write prodigiously. You buy yourself flowers every Friday and never make a big deal out of it. And… you can sleep pretty much anywhere, but once your hand touches your cheek, I know that you’re off and definitely dreaming.”

She looked back at him and smiled, already half-asleep. “Nice work. Since when did you know so much about me, Mr. Sprouse?”

He only smiled in reply, obviously proud of himself. She closed her eyes as his hand settled on hers. I can fall asleep like this forever.

Sleep began to overtake her, but not before she felt a slight puff of air against her leg as Cole suddenly lifted the blanket. He slipped his lithe, sinewy frame behind her, his strong arms wrapping themselves around her waist. She froze. She could feel the length of his body against hers and it was slowly obliterating every reasonable thought in her system.

“Cole?”

“Mmm?”

“Are we doing this?”

He nuzzled his face into her hair, his breath warm against her neck. She felt his mouth turn up into a grin. “Sure. Fuck it. We’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

Every ounce of logic in her body screamed against it. If she was smart, she’d get up and drive herself home. Or demand that they actually talk about this.

But as his hand found the skin under her shirt and settled on her waist, she decided she was with Cole on this one; fuck it.

We’ll figure it out tomorrow.

…

And now tomorrow was today.

Lili lay still on the couch, wanting to smack herself for being so reckless. For letting Cole get to her so easily. He had a knack for wearing down her defenses, but she’d had enough.

She felt him stir against her. “Morning,” he mumbled, his voice low in her ear. “Did you sleep okay?”

She had to keep a clear head. She had to. “I slept… fine,” she replied, keeping her tone flat and even.

“Good.” Cole stretched his arms above him. She silently berated herself for missing the warmth of his hands on her bare skin. “What do you want to do today?”

I want to stay here with you.

I want to run away from you.

Lili sighed, exasperated. She sat up and faced him. “Seriously? ‘What do I want to do today’? My god. I don’t know, Cole. Maybe figure out what the hell we’re doing here?”

Cole’s eyes flew open in confusion. He sat up to face her. “What?”

“You heard me. Don’t pretend this is normal for us. I just…” She paused and pinched the bridge of her nose to stop herself from tearing up. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Cole looked at her steadily. “Do what, Lili?”

She waved her hand frantically between them. “THIS! You, and me, and this indefinable whatever that we’ve been carrying on for months now.”

“‘Indefinable?’ What’s there to define?!”

“Everything!” Lili’s voice caught at that, and her eyes welled up. “The hanging out. The late night phone calls. The constant texts. The random presents. And on top of that, last night and this morning and the fucking spooning. All of that, Cole!”

His eyes stayed on her, his silence willing her to go on.

“I just… I need to know because I need to get away from it. It’s so fucking complicated, Cole. We can’t keep doing this, not when we’re about to work together, and see each other everyday, and god, I like you too much to screw this up. I have no idea where you are, or how you feel about me – “

“Lili.” Cole grabbed her wrists and pulled her close. “Are you… seriously… that ignorant?”

She went still. His eyes searched her, challenging her to respond. She felt naked under his gaze. She knew that every fibre in her being was about to give in to everything she had fought for so long. But could she really allow herself to? She shut her eyes against his stare, attempting to make a last-ditch effort at resistance.

But the tide had turned, and he was already well ahead of her. Because he had already moved in on her, his lips finding her cheek, grazing her cheekbone lightly and leaving every inch undone in their wake. The damp, fervent heat of his breath made her tremble. Slowly, one of his hands released her wrists and moved up to the collar on her shirt, fisting the thin cotton, pulling her closer to him. His lips worked their way down to her sharp jawline, planting a trail of small kisses that ended at the corner of her mouth. He pulled away and looked at her, and the hunger in his eyes took her breath away.

Then he crashed on her like lightning, his mouth feverish-hot and full of need. One hand slid into her hair, making a snarled mess, the other pulling at her waist, bringing her deeper into their kiss. She tasted smoke, felt thunder churning inside of her. She couldn’t help herself - she lifted her fingers to touch his lips as he brazenly explored hers. Just to check. Just to make sure this was real.

And in brief moments of lucidness, between being kissed into oblivion, she knew. That this would be her undoing. That this was creating a need in her that she never knew existed. That if things did happen later on between her and Cole, and if things went bad, that she would do everything in her power to be kissed like this again.

At last he broke away. As she caught her breath, his thumb lingered on her mouth. She opened her eyes and met his, and she couldn’t help it - she laughed. He made a face at her.

“You’re laughing?”

“No. I mean, yes. Not at this. With this, if that makes sense.” Her mind was still reeling, and she could barely explain herself. Later that night, she would recognize that it was pure joy that had spilled out of her; that it reminded her of running downhill, of riding a rollercoaster, of splashing madly into a sun-dappled ocean.

He took her hands and wrapped his fingers around them. “All this time… you never knew?”

“You never said anything, Cole.”

“Lili, you know that I did. Maybe not with words, but I did. I thought you’d have that figured out. I mean… I don’t just introduce Dylan to anyone, you know. He’s usually locked away in a basement. It takes a lot of effort getting him out.”

Lili laughed. And was relieved to realize that this still happened - that they could still joke and banter like they used to.

“But… this past week made me figure that maybe you weren’t getting that.”

“You noticed I was ignoring you?”

“Noticed? You were killing me, Lili.”

She felt guilty. Tentatively, she leaned forward and kissed him as a way of apology. It caught him by surprise, and he lingered over the kiss longer than she had meant for it to last, tugging at her bottom lip before letting go. Over the next few days, she would lose count of how many kisses they’d trade, but in that moment she took note that this was only their second kiss, and already it felt natural to her. “I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. And, you know, feel free to apologise again, and soon.” He grinned at her.

“So… can I ask? Why didn’t you just come out and tell me all this before it got tense and weird and complicated?

“Well… one, because I thought you knew. I mean, shit, are you even aware that my nickname around this house is Captain Obvious? It’s actually embarrassing.” Lili smiled at that. “And two, because I really was in no rush to define what we were. I mean, why would I need to name it when it was already so fucking good, you know? I didn’t want to jinx it. I’m sorry, that sounds immature, right?”

“No,” Lili conceded. “But I guess for me it would’ve put some parameters on what I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed to do. Because you came out of nowhere, Cole. Like… a cat. A cat getting hit by a car.”

He burst out laughing. “That is the worst comparison. You suck at this.”

“I’m sorry! But it’s true.” She laughed, and looked down at her hands, still enclosed in his. “So… what now?”

“Now?” He shrugged. “I don’t know, you wanna go out for breakfast?”

“Cole.” She levelled a stare at him. “I’m serious.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Lili. What are you really asking here? Are you really asking about now, or tomorrow?”

“Can I ask about both?”

“Sure. Here’s my answer to now. I’m honestly crazy about you.” With that, he pulled her in until she was sitting on his lap, and buried his face into her neck, his mouth forming words on her skin. “Every time I’m with you, I can’t decide whether I feel brave, or reckless, or vulnerable, or exposed. More likely all of them, all at the same time.”

She smiled, and turned her towards him so that their foreheads were touching. “And tomorrow?”

“If you’re asking me what the next few months will look like, I… really don’t know.” She nodded and pulled back, a little deflated. It was a fair and honest answer, but it left her feeling uncertain. He noticed her disappointment, and planted a kiss on her bared shoulder. “But tomorrow? You and I have that. I can promise you that.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

She looked at him, traced his dimple lightly with her finger. Tomorrow. Maybe she could live with that for now. Maybe in the face of everything that was about to happen to them - the avalanche of Riverdale and everything that came with it - that small promise was enough.

She just needed to know one more thing. “Cole? Can you promise me something else?”

“Shoot.”

“Can you promise me…” her voice trailed off, and suddenly she felt shy. “Can you promise me that you’ll kiss me again? Tomorrow?”

He arched an eyebrow in surprise, and smirked at her. “Tell you what,” he said. “How about we bring tomorrow forward“ - he leaned in to plant kisses on her chin, her cheeks, her neck - “and figure it out as we go along?”

But as he was teasing her, she was already lost, obliterated - this time, it was her pulling him in. And as he returned her kiss with equal passion, she knew with absolute certainty that this was only the beginning. That they’d be here again many times over. That the future may be unsure, but at least, for now, what they had was real and raw and breathtaking.

Tomorrow was already beckoning.

#sprousehart #colelili #sprousehart fanfic #sprousehart fanfiction #mine

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