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yr-hen-ogledd · 5 years ago

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Have you got any Iron Tusks lore lying around, or are they a completed project? I've been scrolling through the tag snapping up those gorgeous in-universe fluff snippets, and it's made me really curious about their backstory.

Ok so first of all thanks for saying a nice thing about my writing, which I have much less confidence in than I do in my painting. I’m super happy it grabbed your interest!

As for the Great Iron Tusks Fluff Bible… Well, for most of this evening I thought it’d been lost when I upgraded to my new(er) PC. But apparently I never delete anything ever and having done a bit of digging, well: here’s just about the entire history of the chapter, up to end of the 41st millenium & the creation of the Great Rift. Delve beneath the cut if you dare.

Caveats: I read the background for the Warhammer 40,000 universe back in, like, 1996? ‘97? I haven’t paid too much attention since. I much prefer to just make shit up. I dip in here & there but you may find bits in here that seem to contradict actual canon - roll with it, I guess? It’s a big universe governed by an unreliable megabureaucracy; there’s room for more than one version of the truth.

++REF::CS+IRON_TUSKS

ADT.ASTARTES.DES.IRON.TUSKS

>IRON TUSKS: Adeptus Astartes chapter. Founded 738.M41 using Ultramarines gene-seed on Khaskal IV, Ultima Segmentum. Supervising officer Capt. Jun Harkenas (ex-Silver Skulls), subordinate officers including Capt. Astor Valk (ex-Silver Skulls), Capt. Haral Gor (ex-Carcharodon Astra), Reclusiarch Bron Ovidor (ex-Doom Eagles), Sgt. Torias Telion (Ultramarines, secondment), assisted by advisory council led by Barad Valur Arendt & other tribal elders.

On advice of Capt. Gor and the elders of the laghun, attending hiero-scrivenor Gorganaeus grants permission to Captain Harkenas to alter original ministorum designation BLACK PALADINS to IRON TUSKS in recognition of indigenous ursid life-forms known locally as Roortagha. Harkenas also orders chapter livery changed to deep crimson to fit with native blood rituals and warrior traditions. The Adeptus Terra’s initial audit detects minor mutations of the oolitic kidney, Betcher’s gland & the mucranoid gland, producing a moderately toxic & caustic airborne suspension when the marines’ sweat evaporates. The mutation falls well within acceptable levels of deviation and the founding is consecrated. The chapter is officially armed on St. Burden’s Day, 744.M41, fighting strength 350 scouts, 250 marines, plus command staff and various supporting elements including 3 strike cruisers. Captain Harkenas is named First Marshall, Captain Valk is named 2nd Company Marshall ; Master of the Armoury, Captain Gor is named 3rd Company Marshall ; Master of Recruits ; Bron Ovidor becomes High Chaplain. Sgt. Telion returns to Macragge.

745.M41: Hive Fleet Behemoth descends upon Ultima Segmentum. The Great Devourer carves a bloody path through the Imperium’s suprised and confused defenders leaving only lifeless rocks in its wake. Bio-ships appear at system terminus without warning after listening posts on Brennan’s World and Valentina are overrun by hostile xenoforms. Massively outnumbered, First Marshall Harkenas orders Khaskal IV evacuated and the chapter’s gene-seed secured aboard the strike cruiser Silverback. Harkenas and Ovidor lead half the chapter’s evocatii in a forlorn delaying action. Behemoth is eventually stopped at enormous cost, but Khaskal is stripped of all life weeks beforehand. The surviving brothers make a final return to salvage what equipment & armour they can, but leave the system within a week of arrival.

The Iron Tusks, now fleet-based, appear to drift between campaigns for several years, intervening in battles at Verrae, St. Nazaire, Xavierus and Sacristan. At Xavierus, Major-General Valdestin of the 120th Cadian Expeditionary records the Iron Tusks deploying “4 companies in good order, though unorthodox in equipment.” At Sacristan, Captain Serrus of the Star Phantoms notes the Iron Tusks battlefleet joining their own with 5 ships of the line, “three of which had clearly been reclaimed from unsanctioned sources.” Both commanders describe their allies scavenging war materiel from their enemies and after Sacristan, in which the combined Astartes forces drive off a raiding force of Red Corsairs traitors, the Iron Tusks (apparently now under the command of Haral Gor) pursue the traitors into the Maelstrom “with relish.”

The following decades paint a confusing picture: in 786.M41 they appear in the journal of the Rogue Trader Jelena diVerre as masters of Loghain’s Cross, a feudal world to the galactic south of Baal. Certainly, a number of imperial records from this time period make mention of the Iron Tusks fighting numerous battles against the orks raiding out of the Galatian Belt and against eldar pirates on Barre. But by the time Waaagh! Gormug makes a ruin of several Imperial worlds in 802, the Iron Tusks have apparently moved on. While the Blood Angels defend Loghain’s Cross, the Iron Tusks are recorded fighting “at chapter strength” against the bloody, Alpha Legion-led rebellion on Vittkenstein

“Though all who know the space marines know the essential diversity bred by their independent formations, I declare I never encountered a body of fighting men of such strange attitudes as these - leastways not as allies. The Irontusks (sic) seem to view their vocation almost as a great sport. They count kills upon their armour, they swear a great deal, they make indecipherable guestures toward the enemy (many of which I suspect are lewd in character!). Throne preserve us, at one juncture I visited a defensive position to inspect the conditions and found one of them sat in the cupola of his tank, smoking a lho-stick of very ill flavour. And yet who can complain of their devotion to the Emperor’s cause? After every raid they return with fallen comrades over their shoulders, bloodied banners of the enemy and grotesque smiles across scarred faces. One of their officers asked me if the regiment had encountered foes such as these before and when I answered him in the affirmative he declared that his men would be following us home.”- Colonel Ferdinand Maxwell-Gray, Mordian 18th.

Certainly the Iron Tusks do seem to have moved erratically toward the Mordian system for a time, but their route is difficult to ascertain. The war on Vittkenstein lasts another 4 years, but after that various naval records refer to the Iron Tusks retiring to a number of different homeworlds: Ironhold, Merite, Kyushin II, Jara-na-vere-ko, Elva XI and as many as 8 other planets are recorded as the chapter’s home base. Furthermore, having reached Mordian they seem to have moved on shortly after in the direction of the Cadian Gate and the Eye of Terror. More informatively, we can say with certainty the date at which they did so. Having claimed the death world of Morsava sometime before 984.M41, they subsequently sell the planet in 999.M41 to the governor-militant of Mordian for the perfunctory sum of 1 Imperial Credit - three days after the onslaught of the 13th Black Crusade. At this time Battlefleet Obscurus naval records indicate a fleet of 7 strike cruisers, one battle barge (designated Tough Love) and numerous escorts, bulk haulers and sundry other ships leaving the Mordian subsector and bearing galactic south-west.

++RECORD ENDS++

++THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A CLOSED MIND IS WELL-DEFENDED

It would appear that the Iron Tusks have adopted a modus operandi by which they occupy any world which they are able to take from enemy forces, staying long enough to recover losses in men and materiel, before abandoning it in the event that better ‘sport’ presents itself elsewhere. It is a pattern which has seen battle companies attach themselves frequently to Imperial army groups unsolicited, apparently to involve themselves in more violence.They seem to act without any thought to wider Imperial strategy, or to collateral damage. Can their wilful disregard for authority be tolerated? More gravely, is their pursuit of violence for violence’s sake not a well-worn trail on the path to damnation? My Lord, I must recommend an immediate Inquisitorial audit be carried out on these rogues - lest rogues be left to turn altogether renegade.

I remain your humble and obedient servant,

There you have it. The rest of it gets written as & when models & projects inspire me to get typing. You’ve seen glimpses of the Tusks post-rift activities - stranded on the wrong side of the sky-scar, scavenging the debris of fallen worlds, occasionally finding gold dust on shattered hulks that float out of the few relatively stable shipping routes across the Cicatrix Maledictum, and sometimes adopting new friends of mysterious origin from the beleaguered worlds of the Imperium Nihilus. There will probably be more in the future! No project is ever really finished until you run out of ideas.

#daddyfantastic #iron tusks #space marines #warhammer 40000 #40K #I came this close to painting more Iron Tusks watching the first few episdoes of the Mandalorian #but events conspired against me and the moment passed

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ironfist-clown-factory · 7 years ago

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Real Name: Valentina Mercado Age (at the start of Nonkina Ace -April 10th, 2014): 54 DOB: March 29th, 1960 Gender: Female Height: 6′9″ Sexuality: Straight Occupation: Professional Women’s Wrestler (Heel), Trainer, Plus Sized Model Nationality: Puerto Rican Home Town: Las Marias, Puerto Rico Likes: Entertaining a crowd, the rush of adrenaline, Dasher G, latex, modeling Dislikes: The time she was unmasked, her early days in the indie circuits, comments about her weight, white rice Favorite Food: Fried rice with Pernil Personality: Calm and alluring outside of the ring, very demanding and cruel inside Fighting Style(s): Strong Style Wrestling, Lucha Libre Clown-Po Ability: None

While I was doing research about Japanese Pro Wrestling for Dasher G, I also really got into Women’s Pro Wrestling and a bit of lucha because it came up.

Y’all heard of Command Bolshoi? She’s awesome.

She’s a Pro Wrestler, she’s got a hard body, she literally fights for Orphans, AND she loves Clowns? How haven’t I heard of her sooner?

Anyways, she made me want to make a lady Pro Wrestler and here she is.

- C-KUN, from the Nonkinaverse Design Bible

Now, making her way to the ring. The Evil Mistress of All World Pro!

Quake in fear with every footstep she makes as your time on this earth slowly ends! The Purple Devil!

Ever since she was a young school girl, Valentina had always been teased for her weight.

Similar to how the Nonkina family has their legacy of having a big brawny member once every generation, the Mercado was a family of, often, large figured members, and Valentina was the member of her generation with a wider frame.

Having been teased for her size for years, her anger eventually reached a boiling point and one day in high school, she sat on one of her bullies, and it felt good.

Shortly after this incident, she slowly got into Professional Wrestling, watching with her father growing up, paying close attention to all the female wrestlers. She saw all these strong ladies giving it their all in the ring, fighting for honor and the glory of the ring. It spoke to her. Spoke to her enough that she wanted to be a wrestler herself.

After years of training and navigating through the world of indie circuits, she finally made it the top at All World Pro, as the most fearsome female heel in the company’s history at that point: The Purple Devil!

And through working with All World Pro, P.D. had found her true love in life. It was none other than All World Pro’s top Face, Dasher G!

Of course in wrestling, a heel and a face can’t be together, as Faces are seen as heroes while Heels are villains. So together, they had a Romeo and Juliet-esque romance, seeing one another in total secrecy.

And much like Romeo and Juliet’s story, a conflict of sorts arose: The Dasher G drug scandal, where Dasher was found to be in possession of marijuana.

The controversy rocked the Pro Wrestling world, but P.D. was un-phased. She knew the Dasher was an innocent man, she just knew it, even testifying in court outside of her in-ring persona as a friend of Dasher.

Unfortunately Dasher was hit with 5 years in prison, but only served 3 of his 5. The minute he got out, P.D. immediately reunited with Dasher and the two began to live together like they had always wanted. But this wasn’t enough keep Dasher out of a slight depression, and P.D. knew this as well.

Dasher wanted to fight again, the ring had called out to him. But it did not call back.

However, a new opportunity had arisen for Dasher, but it came at a price: He must leave his current life behind. It was a hard decision he had to make, but P.D. understood. She only asked that he would never forget her, and that if he ever can, return safely.

The had one last passionate kiss, and Dasher rode off into the sunset with Maximilian In’ei.

In the years following Dasher’s leave, P.D. has wrestled less and less, partaking in the occasional legends match while mainly working now as a trainer for young up and comers in the promotion.

She lives day by day in the hopes that Dasher returns safe and sound.

#Purple Devil #Nonkina Ace #Clown OC #Clown OCs #Mime OC

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years ago

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the bachelor, season twenty-two, episode six: i had falling slowly stuck in my head the entire time i wrote this

Oh god.

We’re in Paris.

The most romantic city on Earth.

I literally cannot see straight because my eyes keep rolling and rolling and rolling. Are these broads sleeping on a boat? I’m pretty sure they’re sleeping on a boat. We see Chris Harrison, excited for his first real international vacation in a few weeks, pretending he can tolerate Arie as usual. Arie’s like, “I’m falling in love with some of these women.” We finally see this person called Jacqueline, who looks like Cristin Milioti1, who somehow made it to the halfway point without ever being seen on camera. I’m pretty certain Jacqueline really is Cristin Milioti and she literally took time off to shoot that crazy episode of Black Mirror and came back at the halfway point. CONSPIRACY THEORY.

Krystal is positive and enthusiastic and honestly, she’s going home this week on a two-on-one and we haven’t even confirmed this week’s dates.

Speaking of, Chris Harrison takes a break from touring the Louvre to let the girls know there’s four dates instead of three this week - two one-on-ones, a group date, and a two-on-one.

My tummy rumbled when he said two-on-one, because let’s be real - it’s the thing we look forward to most in any season. They might as well call it The Battle To The Death.

Everyone knows Krystal is going on the two-on-one, even herself. It’s amazing that she even has that much self-awareness. Oh, but there’s a date card!!!!!!!!!

It goes to The Last Remaining Lauren, which is what I have basically started calling her. I was hoping we’d run out of Laurens by this point, but I guess I was mistaken. All these girls looked the same this season, it was hard, okay?

Arie picks TLRL up from the boat, and they speed away in the gondola. All the girls are basically like...

And they’re right.

If Arie is a wet pair of boat shoes, Lauren is a Marilyn Monroe poster in a college dorm room.

Arie’s like, “this is going to be an incredible date!” and then they walk around Paris in silence. Like, monosyllabic answers. Arie’s concerned that she’s not super into him. Meanwhile, back with the girls, Tia and Kendall are hopeful that Lauren opens up on her date, because she takes a while to get comfortable. Arie’s literally like, “Lauren, I have a crush on you. I want you to like me.”

Why? Because she asked you your favorite color once?

... Oh, it’s because she looks like someone he’s dated. Someone whose name rhymes with Memily Shmaynard.

At the Boatel (Boat Hotel), all the girls are waiting to see who’s next for the date. Jacqueline puts a T so hard on the word geT that I am now fully convinced she is Acclaimed Trained Actress of Stage And Screen Cristin Milioti, as that affectation is very theatrical, very Katherine Hepburn2. There’s a date card! Becca K, Seinne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna are going on the group date.

That leaves Kendall and Grammy Award Winner Cristin Milioti to find out who’s going on the two-on-one with Arie. Neither girl has had a one-on-one, so this is messyyyyyyy. Krystal thinks it’s a little “unfair” to have either girl on a two-on-one with her, and I love her the most in this episode.

Arie and TLRL’s date starts with him talking about how busy it was in Paris that day. Oh my GOD I would rather go to a lecture about dentistry than ever hang out with these people. Lauren’s got trust issues so that makes her push guys away, and then Arie’s like, “let me top THAT, boring girl!” He had a girlfriend who was pregnant with his child, and when he left for a race, she lost the baby and told him she wasn’t going to be there when he got back. In response, Lauren’s like, “my parents’ marriage was rough, oh and I was engaged before but it didn’t work out.”

I have never chuckled at such an obtuse response like I did at that moment.

Lauren, for whatever reason, gets a rose. Like, I really think it’s interesting how even if the chemistry isn’t there (at least in my opinion), Arie’s really trying to make this shit work with Lauren. Compared to the last time he went on a one-on-one with the other Lauren, he was just... there. He didn’t really try at all. Huh.

The girls meet Arie and they’re all convinced they’re doing a fashion show. They walk over to the Moulin Rouge, and they say what everyone says - “oh, it’s not that big.” Like, have you ever seen a Baz Luhrmann film3?? If the Moulin Rouge was as big as he made it look in the movie it would be a part of the Paris skyline. They enter and are greeted by dancers, who are provacatively dressed, and the girls are going to learn a Cabaret routine.

They could have stayed in America and gotten Sonja Morgan and the quality would have been the same. It also would have been a charitable donation4!

Seinne is a professional trained dancer and she’s in her element, of course. Bekah’s process is “Wrong But Strong”, which has always worked for me5. Jenna’s loving it, but Tia’s hating it. She gives up on the dance almost straight away. The girls are taken upstairs to put on costumes - headdresses and thongs, my new favorite clothing store - and Jenna, Bekah and Seinne are living for the glamour, while Becca K is given a huge headdress with feathers and it looks heavy.

The girls perform a routine for Arie, and whoever is deemed best will get to perform on stage with Arie at the Moulin Rouge later on that evening. I love the black box they put over every girl’s butt, it’s my new favorite character. But I have a weird problem with this prize - what if someone has crippling stage fright? Are we really going to put someone in an anxiety-inducing situation like that in order for television?

Wait, I forgot this show has zero integrity.

At the after-after-after-after-after party, Arie makes sure to let them know that the rose that evening will be given on their connection and not on the performance. Tia can’t help but compare her relationship with Arie to everyone else’s. Meanwhile, we’re setting up the back-end conflict, which will effectively be about Bekah’s age. Chelsea’s like, “She’s 22, and I’m 29 AND I HAVE A BABY.” In case we had forgotten about her having a baby, the only words we’ve seen come out of her mouth all season.

Bekah M. gets the rose, and we’re tortured with Arie doing a Valentina-level bad lip-sync at the Moulin Rouge. They should have given Arie a mask or not had him LIP-SYNC IN FRENCH if he didn’t know the words! God, it’s like Valentina contributed nothing to the world.

At the Boatel, Krystal approaches Lauren, Kendall, and Star of Season Two of FX’s Fargo Cristin Milioti with a date card.

Two women.

One rose.

One stays, one goes.

Kendall and Krystal, let’s get the fuck into it.

Krystal is wearing sailor pants and a crushed velvet top and Kendall is wering a cold-shoulder jumpsuit, so I guess this is how you dress to kill or whatever. They meet Arie in the French countryside, and shit’s already tense. As if this wasn’t enough of a battle, Arie leads them to a literal labyrinth and tells them to come find him. This show sometimes just tries to smack you in the face with a metaphor. Kendall gets lost, and Krystal is successful.

Oh no.

Arie says this is Krystal’s last chance because of her behavior last week, and essentially gave her the two-on-one as punishment. He was really mad about her talking shit about him last week and she’s got a lot to prove. He would rather her come directly to him instead of putting him blast to everyone else, which is entirely a reasonable and decent opinion to have. Krystal apologizes sincerely and promises to work on it. They kiss and make up, and then Krystal proceeds to tell Arie that Kendall might not be ready to get married at the end of all of this.

KRYS. (hand-clapping emoji) TAL. (hand-clapping emoji)

GIRL, NO.

You had it all locked away and you fucked it up by going immediately into Shit Talking Mode. The minute you got your mouth on his you should have shut it the fuck down. She really thinks she’s so slick.

Arie almost immediately goes to Kendall and is like yo, she’s talking mad shit over here! And y’all, Kendal proceeded to come for my heart and my brain and I adore her. I’m sorry for shit talking her ukulele. I’m sorry for calling her a basic Pinterest girl. Kendall might be the most emotionally mature contestant to appear on this show to date and I have no shame in saying so. She tells Arie that the entire basis of Krystal’s argument is stupid because - who operates on a timeline like that? No one wakes up and is like, “Okay, I’m ready for love today. I wasn’t ready yesterday, but I’m ready for love today.” You find someone that you can see a future with and that’s how love works. And Kendall is pissed.

She heads over to Krystal, who is sitting with a coupe of champagne peacefully on a couch outdoors. She asks Krystal why she feels she’s not ready to get married, and Krystal says she doesn’t know, and Kendall’s like, YEAH DUH. And in situations where Krystal feels like she’s been backed in a corner, she lashes out and tries to hurt other people in order to get the heat off of her. She reminds Kendall of an ex of hers who used words as weapons in arguments, and reminds us all:

Saying the most hurtful thing... doesn’t mean you win. It just means you hurt somebody.

She takes Krystal’s hand and tells her she knows she’s experienced a lot of pain in her life and needs to stop trying to maintain an image of perfection and composure. I loved this because sometimes the two-on-ones are just savagery, but Kendall maintained her dignity and basically said, “What you did hurt me. I understand why you felt hurt and why you needed to attack someone, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been hurt too.” And it feels out of place because empathy and compassion is rare thing on this show.

God, I want so badly to be Kendall in this moment, but I’m so much like a Krystal. I hate that.

Krystal has no response. And because Krystal has no response and the producers aren’t getting the explosion they desire, Arie’s decided to extended the two-on-one into dinner instead of sending anyone home. At dinner before Arie arrives, Krystal’s trying to appeal to Kendall by saying they have similar beliefs, but as soon as Kendall rejects that notion, she’s like, “you were patronizing. “ Kendall DGAF, though. She’s there for Arie, and Krystal’s an emotionally stunted Thighmaster, so. That’s that.

Arie arrives and it’s still tense. Krystal tries to say something really really flowery and apologize to Kendall in front of him to secure her fate. Arie takes Kendall aside and we don’t see the conversation?????????????? They come back, her lipstick is gone, and Arie gives Kendall the rose. I cackle.

They leave Krystal alone at the dining table. We see the girls at the Boatel celebrating as Krystal’s suitcase is rolled away by a PA.

The next day6, Jacqueline, The Artist Formerly Known As the Mother From How I Met Your Mother, Cristin Milioti, is nervous about going on her date. Arie rolls up in a red convertible to pick her up, which promptly breaks down. We literally know nothing about her since she’s just back from working with Charlie Brooker and Jesse Plemons, and Arie has her try on dresses and walk down a staircase.

On their date, Arie admits that he was a little frightened by Cristin Milioti Who You May Remember As Sexy Baby on 30 Rock because she’s so smart, and that’s why it took so long to get her on a one-on-one. He didn’t want to come across as insecure around her. It’s weird because again, we have seen none of her, and they seem to actually get along and have a rapport. She tells him she’s not even close to being done with her educational goals - it takes six years to complete her Ph.D - and it’s a concern for him, because he’d like a partner he can move to Scottsdale and start crankin out shorties with ASAP.

I mean, I get it - he’s thirty-six, time’s running out. And it’s not like a Ph.D is the easiest thing in the world to get - it takes a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that when I was newly married or engaged to someone I barely knew. Like, if she was closer to the end of her program, maybe. But she hasn’t even started. He doesn’t want to hold her back, but... he’s willing to go the distance with her. He says, “I don’t really see her ambition as a hindrance. It’s just another obstacle to get through together.”

And I hate him all over again. I mean, an obstacle? That’s an interesting choice of words there, buddy. I hate Arie because he seems to have good instincts and have great intentions and when he sees red flags he investigates but HE IS SO BAD AT WORD CHOICE. Ugh.

Star of Wolf of Wall Street Cristin Milioti gets a rose.

There’s no cocktail party this week - we head directly into the Rose Ceremony, where three girls have roses, and three girls are staying. Tia, Seinne, and Becca all get roses, and Someone’s Mom Chelsea gets sent off to be a mother7, and Jenna, who I liked but am fine with never seeing again, disappears into the ether.

We’re off to Tuscany next week, and Lauren’s bitch flower is beginning to bloom. We see her talking to a producer in a corner about how pissed off she is, and how terrified she is that Arie will pick someone else. Oh, now we see who you are, Lauren.

Next Week: Tuscany!!! It’s the week before hometowns, so pressure’s on. Everyone’s crying.

And Later This Season: Someone’s there to propose to someone. Someone’s parents are concerned about Arie’s intentions. And finally... a shot of Arie on a couch while someone’s sobbing in the background.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

WHY DID WE SEE MORE OF TLRL THIS EPISODE THAN BECCA? Ugh. Do not disappear my Becca.

Krystal elevated herself to likeable villain in her exit episode. I loved that.

Seinne is the Sharleen of this season.

I rdesperately need to know the conversation that Arie and Kendall had right before kicking Krystal off.

What happened to Kendall’s rose on the two on one?

Is this the best cast of hair we’ve had on this show ever? Bekah’s groundbreaking short pixie, Jacqueline’s gorgeous Mariah Carey in 1988 mane…

Arie has more chemistry with literally the nine other girls left than he does with Lauren, the one he seems to WANT the most.

Is it just me or is this season full of the most dopplegangers yet? ↩︎

I purred this demurely with my lips pursed, just in case you were wondering. ↩︎

I high-key love the 1996 Romeo + Juliet, which I recently learned is a hot take opinion. But also, I will never forgive the 2013 Gatsby. Ever. What did Joel Edgerton do to deserve that? Then again, Tobey Mcguire deserves no better than that film. Ugh. ↩︎

I love Sonja. This is a little mean. ↩︎

Yeah, my inability to be incorrect is a problem??? ↩︎

Presumably, time is a construct on this show. ↩︎

God, bringing her abroad just to cut her is just as savage as Maquel coming back just to go home last week. ↩︎

#the bachelor #the bachelor recap #reality tv recap #god arie has the personality of a dry sponge #who is jacqueline #cristin milioti #i am doomed to misspell cristin milioti's name forever #two i's one l

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ubwfc · 5 years ago

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Development Squad V The Medics 3-0

On a hypothermically cold Tuesday night, UBWFC’s development team braved Coombe to take on the medics, for the third time. Having memorably won the first match, then drawn the second, there was a strong desire among to squad to regain victory once more. Without Asha playing we weren’t suffering any hangovers for once. However, Lisa did inform everyone in the changing room that she had not slept last night and couldn’t have a coffee for rejuvenation as she finds it ‘slightly spicy’ ????? who knew there was a UBWFC member WORSE with spice than Becky and Laura!!!!! Playing 9-aside in a 3-3-2 formation, Juliette and Val made their Dev debuts, playing on the left and right wings respectively. Lucy Pilkington had the honour of going in goal first half, which saw her commanding and cheering the girls on from the net. Becky’s pre-match talk and inspirational quote – ‘It’s a beautiful game’ – was clearly effective as from the moment the whilst blew Dev were performing miracles. Darya, clearly undisturbed by her fellow medics chanting ‘snake’ at her, was playing some lovely balls from defence through to Juliette, who dribbled the ball forward with ease, putting in some threatening early shots. Claudia showed her strength on the ball playing in centre-mid, however tragically managed to injure herself within the first 5mins. We all wish cripple Claudia a speedy recovery. Dev battled on, with Eliza coming on as a substitution and following Becky’s command to ‘please score a goal’ by slotting one in on her second touch! 1-0 Bristol. Lucy had very little to do (other than avoid catching hypothermia) as Hannah and Becky worked between them to clear any medics attempts on goals. The medics were clearly growing frustrated at our constant press, with Val winning tackles on the wing and passing with precision to Lisa who was playing with a fierce passion upfront (though fortunately not as fierce as last time when she kicked a medic in the head). Dev’s energy was relentless, and Zoe’s footwork upfront led to her swerving round a medic defender to smash a beautiful shot into goal just before half time! 2-0 Bristol.

After a quick team talk, consisting as always of Ina’s favourite phrases ‘yes lads […] mates we got this! Yes football!’, Dev were ready to continue their rampage. Becky switched into net, with Lucy replacing her as right-back. Hannah moved into a more midfield position, though showed herself to be the true Virgil Van Dijk by sprinting back to clear any threatening balls. Juliette was clearly not affected by debut nerves and she put in various crosses and shots on targets, but these were sadly saved by the medics’ keeper. Ina’s pace help drive dev forwards as we dominated in possession. This led to Becky having absolutely nothing to do in goal, hence she attempted some burpees to stay warm. Unfortunately, she forgot the ground was wet as, mid jumping into the air, both her feet slipped from below her and she fell flat on her face, injuring her back. Stick to star jumps next time… (or just concentrating on the match??) Meanwhile, Darya and Eliza were linking up beautifully upfront, winning several corners for Dev which were well-taken by Ina and Zoe. Another goal was clearly on the horizon, and 5mins before full time Zoe slotted home another beauty to make it 3-0 Bristol!! Just before the final whistle Eliza, clearly wanting some more attention, decided to hold the ball between her legs whilst attempting to run and then falling flat to the floor. In a confusing turn of events, the ref awarded US a free kick on the edge of the box which was narrowly missed by Zoe. Thanks Eliza? It was a fantastic game, with brilliant teamwork, skills and determination from Dev. Commiseration on the loss medics, hopefully you’ve learnt how to fix broken hearts! Squad: Ina Leonetti Claudia Grace Darya Shiri Eliza Wren Hannah Davies Juliette Decronumbourg Lisa Wellsford Van Vroenhoven Lucy Pilkington Valentina Coello Zoe Ibbotson Becky Bealing Player of the match: ‘everyone xoxoxo’ aka a COP OUT FROM BECKY BEALING Dick of the day: Becky Bealing (see muppet of the week) (double whammy)

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mmamag · 5 years ago

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UFC 247 results: ‘Jones vs Reyes’ live stream play-by-play updates

Reigning Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) light heavyweight champion, Jon Jones, will make his return to the Octagon for yet another 205-pound title defense, this time against undefeated challenger and former collegiate athlete, Dominick Reyes. Their five-round pay-per-view (PPV) headliner tops the UFC 247 mixed martial arts (MMA) event, co-anchored by the women’s flyweight title fighting pitting current champion, Valentina Shevchenko, opposite surging 125-pound contender, Kaitlyn Chookagian. Remember, UFC 247 requires a subscription to ESPN+ to watch (sign up here). The “Prelims” undercard will be televised on ESPN, along with early “Prelims” offerings also making their way to the ESPN+ and Fight Pass digital networks. The action takes place this TONIGHT (Sat., Feb. 8, 2020) inside Toyota Center in Houston, Texas, with heavyweight fan favorites Derrick Lewis and Ilir Latifi also getting their hands dirty in “The Lone Star State.”

UFC 247 QUICK RESULTS:

UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones vs. Dominick Reyes UFC Flyweight Champion Valentina Shevchenko vs. Katlyn Chookagian Juan Adams vs. Justin Tafa Mirsad Bektic vs. Dan Ige Ilir Latifi vs. Derrick Lewis Trevin Giles vs. James Krause Andrea Lee vs. Lauren Murphy Alex Morono vs. Kalinn Williams — Williams def. Morono by TKO (punches) at 0:27 of Round One - HIGHLIGHTS! Mario Bautista vs. Miles Johns — Bautista def. Johns by TKO (flying knee and punches) at 1:41 of Round One - HIGHLIGHTS! Journey Newson vs. Domingo Pilarte — Newson def. Pilarte by TKO (punches) at 0:38 of Round One - HIGHLIGHTS! Andre Ewell vs. Jonathan Martinez — Ewell def. Martinez by split decision (28-29, 29-28, 30-27) Austin Lingo vs. Youssef Zalal — Zalal def. Lingo by unanimous decision (30-27 x3) Stream UFC PPV 247 live on ESPN+

UFC 247 PLAY-BY-PLAY:

205 lbs.: UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones vs. Dominick Reyes Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Round 4: Round 5: Final result: 125 lbs.: UFC Flyweight Champion Valentina Shevchenko vs. Katlyn Chookagian Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Round 4: Round 5: Final result: 265 lbs.: Juan Adams vs. Justin Tafa Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Final result: 145 lbs.: Mirsad Bektic vs. Dan Ige Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Final result: 265 lbs.: Ilir Latifi vs. Derrick Lewis Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Final result: 185 lbs.: Trevin Giles vs. James Krause Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Final result: 125 lbs.: Andrea Lee vs. Lauren Murphy Round 1: Round 2: Round 3: Final result: 170 lbs.: Alex Morono vs. Kalinn Williams Round 1: They trade in the center to start and Williams badly hurts him with a left hook. Morono stumbles back under fire, and just when it seems like things will slow down against the fence, Williams crumples him with an uppercut and slams home right hands for the finish. Final result: Williams def. Morono by TKO (punches) 135 lbs.: Mario Bautista vs. Miles Johns Round 1: Slow start to the round. Two minutes in. Bautista tries a head kick. Johns lands a jab. Two minutes to go. Leg kick from Johns. Overhand right around the guard knocks Bautista over. Bautista comes back with a flying knee attempt. One minute to go. Short right lands for Johns again and Bautista again tries to answer with a flying knee. 10-9 Johns. Round 2: Early trade in the center. Low kick from Johns. 1-3. He looks for counters. One minute in. Bautista tries a head kick. He once again looks for the flying knee and it finally works, splitting Johns’ guard and sending him to his back. Bautista unleashes hammerfists until the ref steps in. Final result: Bautista def. Johns by TKO (flying knee and punches) 135 lbs.: Journey Newson vs. Domingo Pilarte Round 1: Pilarte opens with a head kick and a knee downstairs. Pilarte looking good early, but Newson uncorks a massive right hand with his back on the fence that goes over Pilarte’s left cross and just destroys him. A few more shots on the ground and it’s over. Final result: Newson def. Pilarte by TKO (punches) 135 lbs.: Andre Ewell vs. Jonathan Martinez Round 1: They start the fight patiently trading in the center. Martinez looking for body kicks. Both attempt head kicks. Ewell to the body a minute in. Martinez catches a body kick, can’t use it. Ewell puts another straight in Martinez’s midsection. Body kick appears to hurt Ewell and Martinez advancing, firing more kicks. Counter right knocks Martinez off-balance and Ewell follows up with a combo two minutes in. Another body shot by Ewell, now standing southpaw. More lefts downstairs. Martinezs comes back with a knee. Glancing front kick upstairs. Two minutes to go. Martinez answers another body shot with a takedown attempt. Martinez with some knees downstairs. One minute to go. Ewell finally manages to get away with 15 seconds to go and starts unloading. Martinez answers and they end the round trading bombs. 10-9 Martinez. Round 2: Martinez looking for low kicks, answers a body shot with a knee. Two-piece from Ewell. Martinez jabs, Ewell body shots. Another combination downstairs. One minute in. Step-in knees. Triple left hand upstairs. Another knee as he circles. Flying knee this time, more knees upstairs. Martinez with a counter left hook. Ewell lead left and he stuffs a takedown. Two minutes in. Martinez tries a head kick. Ewell goes low-high. Martinez with body and low kicks, then lands counters in the center. Two minutes to go. Nice exchanges. Ewell catches him shooting with a knee, continues to attack the body. Martinez leg kicks. Ewell ducks a head kick, lands again to the body. One minute to go. Martinez lands a front kick downstairs, then hurts him with the same shot again. Martinez advancing, lands a leg kick and punches against the fence. Jab and low kick drop Ewell. 10-9 Ewell still. Round 3: Ewell switching stance early, lands another left downstairs. Weird sort of standing hammerfist with his right hand. Announcers think it’s broken. One minute in. Both firing kicks. Martinez tries to go high. More front kicks to the body. Lead right hook. Two minutes in. Ewell lands a 1-2 to the body. Two minutes to go. Low kick from Martinez. Ewell looks for left hands. Flying knee attempt. Ewell answers a pair of low kicks with a combination. One minute to go. Knee lands for Martinez, then a leg kick. Another leg kick. Ewell lands a combo and they end the round slugging. 10-9 Martinez. Final result: Ewell def. Martinez by split decision 145 lbs.: Austin Lingo vs. Youssef Zalal Round 1: Zalal opens with a front kick. Lingo on the front foot early, lands a series of left hooks and ties up on the fence. Zalal separates and lands a low leg kick, followed by a high kick. He changes levels for a single-leg, can’t get it a minute in. Lingo reverses on the fence. They separate. Counter right from Zalal met by a straight from Lingo. Zalal circling well, pops him with a jab and avoids an overhand. Two minutes in. Zalal ties up, can’t establish the takedown and lands knees from the front headlock. Separation. Lingo still marching forward, eating jabs as he does. Zalal shoots again and takes him to the fence. Lingo reverses, tries an elbow on the break. Two minutes to go. More clean jabs from Zalal, then a lead right. Check hook and knee, caught by a left hook on the fence. Lingo cracks him with another left hook on the fence. Counter right. One minute to go. Low kick from Zalal. Good reactive single-leg in center cage, sets up in guard. Lingo kicks him away and looks for his own takedown. Zalal gets taken down looking for a kimura. 10-9 Zalal. Round 2: Lingo pressing forward with greater urgency, has to fight off a single-leg. Zalal puts him on his rear against the fence. One minute in. Full guard for Zalal. Two minutes in. Zalal postures up for a shot, then looks for a d’arce when Lingo sits up. He loses it, wraps it back up as Lingo stands. Zalal pulls guard on the choke, but loses it and they stand. Head kick and low kick land for him. Lingo struggling to cut off the cage and gets taken down once again with a minute to go. Weak-looking guillotine attempt goes nowhere. Zalal lands on the way up. 10-9 Zalal. Round 3: Lingo just cannot corral Zalal. Fake takedown from Zalal into a knee and punch. Body kick and low kick from Zalal. One minute in. Lingo backs him to the fence, can’t capitalize. Zalal responds by running the pipe with a single-leg and taking side control. Lingo rolls to his knees, attempts to roll away but ends up stuck in guard again two minutes in. Elbows from Zalal. Lingo scrambles up, caught in the front headlock. Two minutes to go. Zalal snaps him down and hunts for an anaconda choke. He abandons it, goes back to the front headlock, then separates. Lingo in pursuit once again. He lands a body shot and puts Zalal on the fence. One minute to go. Zalal tries a throw, can’t get it. Another reactive single-leg from Zalal, back to the front headlock. He looks for an arm-in guillotine, can’t get it, locks up a deeper d’arce. Out of time. 10-9 Zalal. Final result: Zalal def. Lingo by unanimous decision Source: www.mmamania.com Read the full article

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bestketodiet · 7 years ago

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Weighing In + Hiking Vlog | That Fit Life – Episode 3

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