#recently got a haircut so I don’t have my ponytail LOL

[foxsketch6543]

[purplesurveys]

890

Quick! Chinese or Mexican? ...food? Oh man, I love them both. I’ll have to go with Chinese. When it comes down to it, it hits closer to home and I find that their flavors and options are more diverse. I like Mexican cuisine too, but I realize I only like certain dishes. How many significant others have you had in your WHOLE life? One. I have to ask: What does the last text you received say? “Good afternoon. Cooper is scheduled for deworming tomorrow. Thank you. Please disregard if done.” I’ve never had a vet clinic send me regular reminders before so I really appreciate the staff at the one I regularly visit now. I just feel like little things like this are good indicators of a clinic with good service and one that actually cares for the animals that people bring in, so yeah it looks like I’ll be a regular visitor here. How about the last text you sent? "Hi daddy sorry to ask this - you know I’d do it if [I’m capable of doing so] – but could you or mommy call the vet clinic to book Cooper’s grooming? I really don’t like phone calls” Pretty self-explanatory message right there. Have you shared any kisses today? I’ve only given kisses to my dogs today, but they’re the best boys.

Did the last person you kissed have soft lips, or were they kind of crusty? Soft. Do you think your life will be any different a year from now? It will definitely be different. It’ll only start rapidly changing from here. Can’t wait to see what my surveys will look like a year from now. What all is in your wallet? There’s an empty vape pen, a little over ₱700, some receipts I haven’t thrown out, and bits of tobacco from a cigarette I had stashed inside to hide it from my mom, who’s prone to checking out my bags without my knowledge and who will kill me if she found out I’ve started smoking. The tobacco bit’s disgusting, I know...I just never had the time to clean it out while I was still in school. How many windows are in your bedroom? There are two windows but each have six panes on them. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. I had ‘wrestling’ fights with my cousin when we were kids but we mostly kicked and slapped each other. When was the last time you went to the doctor? End of May. I had a UTI and it gave me a nasty fever that didn’t go away for a week. Are you going out of town anytime soon? That’s still not possible. We’re getting a spike in cases – higher than ever – because the government hasn’t been doing anything since March and yet they’ve loosened lockdown rules for so many cities. With more people going out despite seeing no action from the government, it’s a complete recipe for disaster. Y’all have been back to normal for a few weeks, while we’re still on square one.   Do you hate your ex? I don’t. I even got back with her. When are you going to get a haircut? Not for a long, long while. I just had it drastically cut last February and my hair grows quite slowly, so it’ll be a while until it once again gets too long. Can you fit your hand around your wrist? Yup. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Yeah, it’s called hating myself. When was the last time you applied chapstick? Years ago. I did apply lip balm a few months ago though, when I was headed to a party. Are you a coffee person or a tea person? Coffee for sure. I’m not very well-versed at all when it comes to tea. Do you have a weird laugh? No. I mean at least I don’t hate the way it sounds. What kind of deodorant do you wear? Dove something. Do you have videos on YouTube? No, I never post my own videos on there. When's the last time you had a phone conversation for more than ten minutes? I had a serious conversation with Gabie over the phone yesterday. I was feeling insecure about jobs and careers and the future, and I needed to get it out of my system. Do you laugh at inappropriate times? Sometimes. It’s not an issue people find with me, though. What's your fast food restaurant of choice? KFC if I’m really aiming for that greasy, heartburn goodness. Usually though I’d go for Jollibee because it’s among the most affordable fast food.

All the people you've kissed, what did their names start with? G. Are you in any kind of pain right now? My lower back hurts as always, but it’s not as big of a nuisance now. My knuckles are also feeling a little sore. Are you the jealous type? Only with my girlfriend, but I don’t let it get toxic. I just play jealous to get her attention and a few words of reassurance work for me. What did you and your ex fight about most? We didn’t fight a lot, actually. The biggest issue was her completely cutting me off in the last few months of our relationship which was obviously confusing, and ended up being the catalyst for our breakup. Do you have a foot phobia? No, but I’ve always been baffled by foot fetishes. To each their own, I guess. Well, are you a germaphobe? I’m particular about certain things but I wouldn’t call myself one. I just don’t like wearing other people’s clothes (even if it’s newly-cleaned) and sharing my spoon, fork, or bottle/cup/tumbler with most people. Do you get frustrated easily? When I’m driving OR already stressed to begin with, yes. Don't you love long hugs? Depends on the person. And long kisses? Only with my girlfriend. Have you ever purchased condoms? I’ve purchased a pack for a friend because they were too embarrassed to get one. Since I don’t need condoms and because a potential judgey look from the cashier won’t bother me, I volunteered to get it for her. Do you have a dirty mind? A lot of references will drive my head into the gutter, but I keep them inside as I know other people might not be comfortable with such comments. What's your favorite soda? I don’t like soda. Do you check the mail everyday, or somebody else? Nope. We know whenever mail comes because the delivery man will ring our doorbell to inform us anyway. Did you think braces were cool when you were little? I did. I owned a few stainless steel necklaces as a kid and I used to wear some of those around my teeth and pretend I had braces because I was a disgusting weirdo who couldn’t wait to be a teenager lol. Do you ever go without makeup or doing your hair? I go without makeup alllllll the time, but I always fix up my hair before going out. If I have no time to wash it I’ll tie it up in a ponytail or bun so that I don’t look untidy. Put your iTunes on shuffle RIGHT NOW and tell me the first song it plays. I’ll use the most recent playlist I made; it gave me the song Into It - Chase Atlantic. Recently heard about this group and it’s exxxxactly the sound I’m currently into. What is the last song you added to your iTunes library? The last song I added to my most recent playlist is Heaven Is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle. The playlist is for songs I feel like would be awesome to hear when I’m cruising down the highway at 1 AM, and this song seems like an awesome closer to the playlist.   Are you embarrassed by any of the songs in your iTunes? No. They’re there because I like listening to them. When was the last time you were sick? May until the first few days of June. Did you get anybody else sick? Throughout the quarantine I’ve been the only one who’s gotten sick. Which is still weird to me, because I never get sick haha. Have you had your flu shots? I never get them, but I’ve had vaccinations for other viruses/illnesses like cervical cancer. What brand is your camera? I just use my phone as a camera, so Apple. I used to have a Nikon DSLR. Do you like raisins? No. Who was your valentine this year? My girlfriend. When did you first kiss the last person you kissed? January 2015. And when did you last kiss the last person you kissed? Two weeks ago. Did you borrow that shirt from somebody? No, it’s always been mine. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? The last bits from my chicken wing. Do you like to swim? I like wading in the water, but I don’t swim or like do strokes and stuff. How many vacations have you been on in the past year? Within the last 12 months, one. Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Nah, just a day trip to the beach. I don’t want our trips to be funded by our parents because it just feels wrong lol, so I’m waiting till I’ve earned enough on my own to take her on a vacation. Are you supposed to be doing homework, young man/lady? My plate is empty for now. Do you have to wake up early tomorrow? Not too early, but I do have to take Cooper to the vet in the morning or at least before lunch so that we can be done before the queue could get longer. Do you have any prescriptions currently? I don’t. Are you upset about anything? I was earlier. My dad raised his voice at me but I was able to have a good cry about it, so I think I’m mostly doing better now.

[cosmic-m-b]

For the sake of transparency, I'm about to get REALLY personal. This is really for myself, so no one really needs to read any further. (But you can if you want.) I'm going to talk about my life (mostly my formative years) and why I identify as bisexual and the things that I think should have given me an indication of my sexuality.

I am going go try to put it in chronological order, so here we go:

When I was in kindergarten (age 5) I only had girl friends, but I still remember having a crush on a boy in class. I still remember his name.

First grade (age 6) I got a boyfriend. I broke up with him because he asked me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., "Are you still my girlfriend?" So I dropped him like a hot potato. (Sorry, dude.)

2nd and 3rd grade (ages 7 and 8), new school, I was bullied a lot, but one of the things I remember was when the girls I wanted to be friends with, who I thought were super cool (spoiler alert: they were mean), called me, "gay." I had never heard the word before, so I asked my mom and said it meant "happy," so I went back to school and told them so and they just looked at me like I was crazy. I didn't have a good experience in 2nd and 3rd grade.

4th grade (age 9), new school again, I had one guy friend that I played with every day. Until I professed my undying love to him (not really but pretty much) and he dropped ME like a hot potato. I was kind of heartbroken because I had only be hanging out with him at that point, so my girl friends kind of moved on without me.

5th grade (age 10), new school again, I had a crush on a dude, but that one really feels like I just kind of... picked him? Randomly? Like, "this guy is worthy of my attention." I never actually made any effort to talk to him. I had a rivalry with the girl who sat next to me, but I seem to have blocked that from my memory so I won't go further on it, but I did have two close girl friends. I, personally, hadn't really started puberty yet. I stayed the night a lot with one friend and I remember one time her cousin was also there and she decided we were going to take a bath together. Naked. I was nervous about it, but I didn't want to seem like a dweeb, so I went with it. They had already started puberty. Tbh we all looked like that diagram from the sex ed books. Progression from girlhood to womanhood. I was girlhood. 😂 The others were slightly... farther along than I was, but then they were also a little older than me. (Only one or two years.) I never told anyone this happened. (Until now.)

Middle school (ages 11-13), another new school. Around this time, I started puberty, and I found myself looking at other women. I remember clearly just wanting to look like them, for puberty to come and give me breasts and for my period to start. I didn't know about the existence of gay people until 7th grade, I think. It sounded gross to me. Like, why would guys like guys? And I didn't hear the word "lesbian" until way later. A friend told me, though, that she was bisexual. I didn't get it, but I also didn't question it. I had never heard the negative stereotypes, so I didn't care if someone was bi. I befriended a guy who had a feminine voice, but insisted he wasn't gay. There were a lot of rumors about that, but he was my friend, so I believed whatever he told me. At that time, my best friend was a girl who I will call G. (For context, this was all happening at the height of Disney Channel.) I started talking to her in gym class at the beginning of 7th grade because, to me, she looked like Gabriela from High School Musical. A lot of people thought so, apparently. Lol But we became friends. She became the only person I spent any time with. The people who I was friends with in 6th grade fell to the wayside. A few of them stayed around, but for the most part, I abandoned them. She and I spent a lot of time together, but her parents were strict. She wasn't allowed over at my house, but I could go over to hers. For a year we bonded over our love of Hannah Montana and Avril Lavigne. I distinctly remember wanting to kiss her on the cheek. I told myself for years that it was because she was like a sister to me. I kiss my sisters on the cheek all the time. Anyway, at the beginning of 8th grade, something changed. I had cut my hair to a pixie cut near the end of 7th grade (because my grandma botched a bob that I asked her to give me. That was the last time I asked her for a haircut.) My hair started growing out and I was able to put part of it in a ponytail. She told me that I looked like a cancer patient. She started looking for reasons to put me down, to push me away. She told people embarrassing secrets. She made fun of the things I liked. But I was very attached. It took someone else telling me that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore to get me to leave her alone. That was when I became very depressed. I had no friends. Any friends that I made with or through her, dropped me. My friends from before her had already moved on and while I tried to reconnect with them, it was so awkward and felt forced. Anyway, after middle school we moved again. I dated a guy for a month in 9th grade, but I had wanted to break up after two weeks. I was just a chicken and didn’t want to hurt him. So I let it go on, even though it gave me anxiety to think about staying with him. I blamed it on liking another guy, and told him so. (I now know that that probably made it a lot harder on him. The other guy never would have dated me, but it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.) I was almost-dating a guy for two years while he served a mission for my church, but he dropped me because I was under 18 when he got back and he was 21. (I was 17.) No one else I talked to/crushed on really mattered. I didn’t let myself get close to anyone because of how I had been hurt before. Throughout this time, even up until recently (hence my realization that I’m bisexual), there were little things which I would find a heterosexual reason for. (I am not including anything that indicated an attraction to men, just women.)  For example: - Even after going through puberty and getting breasts of my own, I continued to find my eyes wandering towards the breasts of my friends, people around me, people on TV. I just thought it was a residual habit from before. I would comment on models’ state of undress and say things like, “If it distracts me, a straight girl, then you know it’s bad!” *looks at camera pointedly* - It blows my mind that someone can look at a hot woman and not be sexually aroused. Like, I legitimately thought that when a person moves/dances/dresses sexily, regardless of gender presentation, anyone would be aroused. - I stopped allowing myself to watch love scenes of any kind because I was told that pornography constituted anything that is sexually arousing. I began to see love scenes, regardless of the gender presentations of the couples, as “equally bad” from a moral standpoint. I couldn’t understand why my roommates took issue with there being a lesbian couple in PLL, but didn’t have a problem watching a straight couple going at it.  - I find myself looking at female friends’ butts. Like... all the time.  - I have always been better at making friends with girls/women than with guys/men. I still have trouble letting myself be attracted to women because of internalized homophobia. I feel like I’m being predatory or inappropriate. I worry that I will somehow make them feel uncomfortable.  Anyway, if you read through all of this, you now know more about me than a lot of people. Also, I would appreciate any amount of encouragement/validation so I don’t feel like a total weenie. Even with all of this, I worry that I’m faking it. Feel free to comment directly on the post or message me, if we’re mutuals. :P