#really struggling right now and I’m tired of hating where I live :)

[aubeezz]

Important!!

A friend and I wanna move out together but the average bond deposits here are like $4000 aud. Neither of us have enough right now and I’m putting a lot aside from my fortnightly payments to try and save up, which really affects how much food I’ll get to eat :”))

We have 2 MONTHS TO SAVE $4000 AUD and could really use some help!!

Neither of us enjoy our living situation and I would prefer to not have to live where I am any longer, nor do I wish to become homeless again!

I’m willing to take some commissions if anyone’s interested!

Here’s an example of what I can do!!

Please dm me if interested!! I’ll link my Kofi in case anyone’s able to tip! (That would be just as helpful!)

Thank you so much for your time, reblogs are very appreciated !!!

[sh1gglypuff]

City of Stars

…are you shining just for me?

ahead: female or suggested female reader, mild suggestive content, pain

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

“Kenma!” you call out into the vast house. Your voice reverberated off of the walls and bounced back to you, the white walls illuminated by the evening glow. You dropped your bag along with your keys by the door, kicking your shoes off and making your way through your home. “Kenma?” you called again.

It was almost 2am. Your newest film had premiered that evening, you walking the red carpet in a gown with a price so high you refused to think about it. You had that privilege, not needing to think about the price tags on things such as that. The after party raged on through the night, and you were coming home tired and a little tipsy after your evening out.

You were high off of nothing but your own success and glamour. The movie was going to be a hit, you knew it and everyone else knew it too. Your agent thinks you’re a shoo-in for an Oscar because of your performance and you hate to admit this out loud but, you agree.

“I’ve been calling your name, did you not hear me?” you say, entering the master bedroom loudly.

“I heard you.”

“I had the best evening Kenma truly. Oh I really think this is going to be it for me. This movie is what’s going to sell…” you continue to ramble on as you sit on your side of the bed opposite of him and take off your stacks of jewelry. He offers small hums and nods as you do.

“I had a poptart for dinner,” he says as your chatter dies down. You frown at him.

“Kenma our kitchen is full of food is it not?”

“It’s not,” he says monotone.

“Well…you could have ordered food. Or god forbid…gone out!” you fake a gasp as you say this. He doesn’t like when you mock him like this.

“I don’t like going out. Especially not recently since everyone knows I’m your boyfriend now,” he turns on his side to face the wall.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I hate attention. When I go out people ask me a million questions. It makes me feel nauseous.” After he finishes saying this you get up and walk towards the bathroom. You look back at him, him facing you with his eyes closed.

“Can you unzip my dress?” you ask. You don’t think he’s heard you at first until he nods simply, opening his eyes and sitting up. He gestures for you to come over and you walk closer to him, turning around and letting him place his slender fingers on the zipper of your dress. He unzips it slowly, stopping midway. He remembers unzipping a dress of yours for you years ago, his hands shaking with anticipation. That was when you were nothing but a struggling actress in Los Angeles, desperately looking for any sort of work. That was when he felt wanted. That was before everything changed.

Kenma wishes he could be happy. He feels like that would be the only normal reaction. He is happy you’re living your dream, the dream you’ve worked so hard to achieve these past years in this city. He’s happy for you. He loves you. He unzips the rest of your dress.

With the back of your dress unzipped you turn to him, placing your hands on his chest. You kiss his lips, softly at first then beginning to make your kisses fall with more desperation. At first Kenma wraps his hands in your hair as the two of you fall onto the bed. Your hands wander down his torso, a hand slipping under his shirt and-

“Stop! Stop…” Kenma suddenly says, pulling away. You quickly remove your hands from his body. “I don’t…want to.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Your face is flushed with worry. Kenma shakes his head.

“I’m sorry I’m…just really tired right now.” You don’t question him as he says this, you just nod. You get up from the bed and head back towards the bathroom where you finish getting ready to go to sleep.

As the shower runs and the sound of your hums and harmonies sound lightly from the bathroom, Kenma cries.

Kenma can’t remember the last time he’s cried over anything, genuine sad tears. He tried not to cry too hard, trying his hardest to make sure his tears wouldn’t be obvious as you came out of the bathroom. He but his sleeved hands into his eyes, pressing lightly. He wanted to stop crying but couldn’t. He took a deep breath.

He didn’t want this life. He didn’t want to live in a big house in the hills of Hollywood and only see his girlfriend every couple of weeks. As you were on set for this last movie he got a small taste of the next however many years of his life. You, shooting movies in various locations, flying around doing press tours, walking down red carpets. He on the other hand couldn’t do a single thing without the label of your boyfriend. He couldn’t stream a game without the mention of you, couldn’t leave the house without being asked of the movie. He loves you with everything he has, but it’s just so hard.

Kenma wants to be his own person.

Kenma also wants to be in love.

You come out of the bathroom, hair tied up and makeup off. He loved you in this form. You looked genuine. It was his favorite look you had. He loved this more than your stunning red carpet looks, the looks you had on the covers of recent magazines. He loved the you only he could see. He says your name softly as you sit on the side of the bed opposite him.

“Yes?” you responded.

“I…I don’t know if this is going to work.”

The silence is deafening in Kenma’s ears. He doesn’t know how long you were quiet, he just knows it was too long. “What?” you finally say.

“Nothing, sorry.” He tries to take back what he’s already said. He realizes he can’t.

“No, what? Tell me what you mean Kenma.” You’re suddenly more alert, looking towards him with attentive and concerned eyes. Kenma tries his best to not start crying.

“Everything is different now,” he says simply. “I never see you anymore. People know you. People know me. People know me as an extension of you.”

You stare, slightly confused as to what he’s trying to get at. “Do you want to see me or not?”

Kenma looks towards you. “I do want to see you. I really and truly do-“

“Then what do you mean? Is me being known now a problem?” Your brows are furrowed.

Kenma takes a long moment to breathe, closing his eyes. He does this when he’s anxious. You could see him squeezing one of his hands. “I just- this was not the life I imagined myself having. I feel like I’ve been doing nothing. Nothing for myself at least. You…I don’t know. You’re being so swept away by a life of…fame. That’s a life that I can’t live and I feel like we’ve been on different planets. I don’t feel like part of your life at all. I feel like…the guy you don’t even think of during the day that you just happen to kiss and fuck in the evening.”

Silence fills the room again as you take in everything Kenma is saying. You have no idea what to possibly say. Do you want to fight for this? You’ve loved Kenma for years. He was right though. You did feel like you lived on a different planet. “That. That’s a large accusation”

“I’m not accusing you of anything I’m just saying how I feel.”

“I do think of you.”

“And I believe that you do. I just don’t…feel it?” Kenma wanted to say more but didn’t know how to word what he was feeling. You grip your arm tightly, thinking. You look towards the window, desperately wishing you were just asleep in his arms.

“Can we finish this tomorrow Kenma?”

“You expect me to just fall asleep? I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours in the past 4 days. I can’t stop thinking about this. I can’t stop thinking about us. I love you, so much. I really hope you know how much…I just don’t think I can keep living like this. I can’t stop being a nobody.”

“It’s your fault you’re a nobody Kenma!” you say throwing your hands in the air. His last comment set you off, everything bubbling up had suddenly came out. “You don’t have to lay around all fucking day! You can get a job! You can do things! You probably have more opportunities to do things because of me!”

“Fuck you,” is all he says. His eyes are filling with tears.

“Fuck me? Kenma I’m just stating the truth. You’re doing nothing with your life and I am. You can’t blame me for that.”

“I’m going to Kuroo’s,” Kenma states, getting out of bed. You don’t respond to that, just watch as he slides on a pair of shoes and walks out of the bedroom.

“Kenma…” you start. He doesn’t listen. He keeps walking, grabbing his keys and walking out of the door. You could run after him. You could have done everything to make him stay. You don’t.

6 Years Later

You were the biggest name in Hollywood. You had gotten what you had always dreamed of. You had starred in movies that topped charts, had multiple oscars under your belt, and the most perfect fiancé you could ask for.

Kenma was sitting at a cafe, computer open and glasses resting on his face. Kenma had his own business. A successful one. He had made a name for himself, one without you. He sipped lightly on his coffee as the door rings open. He doesn’t look up, focused on his work.

He hears murmurs from around the cafe, confused he peers to what people are staring at. It’s you.

“Thank you,” you say with your famous smile. You take the coffee from the shaking barista and turn. You see Kenma. He sees you. He puts a hand out to wave. You nod your head.

He watches as you walk out of the cafe. The chatter of the room reaches its peak then dies down to what is was before.

That interaction lasted maybe a minute, but it kept Kenma up for days.

He thought of the days he had spent loving you. The evenings he had spent helping you with auditions. He knew you before the world knew you. What if he had never said anything that night. What if he has just learned to adapt? Would he have married you? Would the two of you have a life unlike anything he could ever dream of?

You were getting married. You were getting married to your most recent leading make costar. Kenma has questions he knows he’ll never get the answers to. You live on different planets. Maybe you always had. Your lives are no longer intertwined. Maybe Kenma is okay with that. Maybe he will learn to be.

He smiles, staring into his now empty cup of coffee.

[larissareadings]

It’s okay, love.

➤ pairing: Draco Malfoy x gryff!fem!reader (house barely mentioned).

Request: None

tw: eating disorder; mentions of bullying and anxiety attack.

Note: I’ve wrote this based on personal experiences and what I needed at the time. DO NOT read this if it’s not comfortable for you. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out for help.

English is not my native language so I’m sorry if there is any mistakes. This is my first fic ever so it might not be so good. I hope you enjoy it though.

Summary: Y/N is a keeper at the Gryffindor (barely mentioned) team, who has been developing an eating disorder and Draco Malfoy seems to be only one who noticed it.

Y/N always had problems with her body image. At her early teens at Hogwarts she used to be mocked, mostly by Pansy Parkinson and her friends, because she was too thin. When Y/N turned 14, she started gaining weight since she was eating too much due to her increased anxiety, and then she was again being mocked, except now because she was getting fat, and everyone talked about it, even when they didn’t want to be mean, saying things like “you should get on a diet”. By 16, Y/N started focusing on her weight loss journey, she was finally gonna be health, delicate and beautiful as the other girls her age.

Some months later

It was right after the quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. They won, of course, since you’ve let too many quaffles go through the goal hoops. You’re a keeper at the Gryffindor team, and you’re good at it. When you’re not dizzy anyway.

“It happened again, didn’t it?”

you heard the familiar voice behind you. It sounded soft, which was not a usual thing. You closed your locker and turned around to face Malfoy. The others had already left the locker room, so now it was just you and him.

"It happened what again, Malfoy?" you asked him, trying to sound indifferent, when you were all, but that. He had some power over you, it was irritating actually, how nervous you would get when he was around.

Malfoy has been acting weird these past few months, he didn't tease you anymore. When his friends said anything about you, he would either just leave or just stare at you, but never laugh with them, never contribute to their bullying. He was the only one in the group who said nothing about your recent weight loss. The others did. Pansy would never loose the chance to say you finally learnt to shut your mouth.

You hated that he hadn't said anything, you worried you hadn't lost enough weight for him to notice, and you wanted him to see that you could be pretty too.

He looked in you up and down, checking you, before focusing on your eyes again and said "Dizziness."

You didn't understand why he was saying this, why he would notice you feeling dizzy. "Yeah.. just a little. I'm bit distract that's all". A few seconds went by where he said nothing, just stood there looking at you. Was that concern in his eyes? You couldn't tell. "Look, uhmm, I don't know where this is coming from, but I have to go. If you have any jokes to make about me being a bad keeper, or an ugly, fat bad keeper or whatever" you noticed him flinch at that, as if it had hurt him. "say it now or leave it for tomorrow 'cause I'm really tired and just wanna go to my bed"

He walked towards you, enough for him to talk low and look closely into your eyes, making you even more nervous, and said "You have to stop this, Y/N, it's making you sick."

"I don't know what you talking about"

Now he let out a breath in disbelief. "Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Let my clarify to you, then, It's a very simple concept, really, I thought you would know it by now." He was actually getting angry. "In order to live, people have to eat. It's the only way to get nutrients into your body. Really, Y/N, that's basics"

"I know about that. It's a good thing I eat, then, right?'' You said also angry now with his sudden aggressiveness.

"Do you though? 'Cause what I'm seeing-" he said gesturing to your body "is a girl fading away, a girl who plays with food at lunch instead of actually eating it, a girl who who used to be a great keeper, but now can't barely stand in a broom because is too weak to do so." He could feel his heart in his throat. He was so nervous, so scared you would fall off that broom. More than he could ever admit. He was keeping his worry to himself for months, hoping you would stop, hoping someone would intervene, but no one did. People just kept either praising your weight loss or humiliating you. But he couldn't stop himself anymore, if you had got hurt today, he would never forgive himself.

You felt your heart skip a beat at that. He was worried. Really worried. You didn't know how to react. You felt seen, someone saw what you were going through. But you also felt good, reassured. So you WERE thinner, and he noticed. “You know what? I don’t get it. Weren’t you and your friends the ones who said I was too heavy to play quidditch? that my weight would slow me down? that I would fall? that the broomstick couldn’t take it?” you now had tears in your cheeks. Your vision was blured by the tears and, God, you were so tired.

Malfoly’s heart might’ve actually broke in that moment. He was so angry at everyone who didn’t notice you hurting yourself, when he was actually the who drove you into it.

‘‘I am so tired.” you kept talking now, tears rolling down your face. “Why is it never enough? I’m tired. I’m thin, I’m ugly. I’m fat, I’m ugly too, and disggusting. I need a diet. I do a diet. and now fading away? OH well, just let me be happy for once.and I am happy now, ok? I’m finally beautiful.” You were talking so fast and you were feeling so weak. Malfoy saw that, so he immediately hold you in a hug, preventing you from falling. Your head were now in his chest, and you were trying to stop crying, trying to make your heart go back to it’s normal rhythm.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, love.” He said stroking your hair. “I’m sorry” he said almost inaudible.

After a few minutes you heart and breathing were finally stable again. You detached yourself from his harms, although his hands were still in both sides of your arms. You looked up to him with watery eyes. You hated crying in front of people. "I'm sorry" you said.

"It's okay." He said again, looking back at you. Taking his hesitant hand, like he was afraid to actually break you, to clean your cheeks from the tears. "I promise".

"Why are you doing this?" you were really confused. You had never seen Malfoy this gentle and.. scared?

He caressed you cheeks while looking from your eyes to your mouth. He then joined your foreheads and spoke really low, like a whisper. “I need you, Y/N.”

“what?” you said also in a whisper. you couldn't believe what you were hearing.

“I need you, and I need you to get better. This is making me crazy. I’m scared all the time. I’m scared you’re gonna fall off the stairs, or the broom. I’m scared of you getting hurt. Please.. just- just let me help, ok? Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. Anything.”

“Can you.. uhmm. eat? with me, I mean” you asked detaching your heads to look in his eyes.

“Sure” He said immediately. “Is that all?”

“No.” you let out a breath in relief with his answer and smile a little. “But it may be a start. I think”

“Ok.” He returned your smile. “You should probably talk with someone else, though. Someone who could help more. A professor, maybe. I’ll go with you, if you want me to.”

“Yeah.. ok. Can we go to McGonagall, then? Not now, please. When I’m ready.”

“Of course. Anyone you want, love.” He said looking back at you before you hugging him again. Letting your head rest in his chest while he stroke your hair again. This felt like home to both of you. You were so scared, but he was hopeful. He would do anything for you to feel better.

This whole not eating thing made you so tired, but it was also so addictive. You didn’t know if you could ever get better, but maybe this was a start. Having someone to lean on, someone who cared.. it certainly helped.

[damiansgoodgirll]

Can you please write about being jey and jimmy adoptive little sister (so we can feel more included about not looking like them honestly) , reader is like 18/19 and being completely heartbroken about the fact that all reader wanted was for her family to be together and now both jimmy and jey want attentions from her but she won’t chose and this thing is breaking her, and like she’s friend with rhea or the judgment day so she comfort her (sorry for my english i’m from poland!)

Thank you so much if you take my request

the usos x sister!reader

‼️fighting, reader having a panic attack and breaking down

broken pieces

you always had a special bond with jey and jimmy. you were their little sister and they felt overprotective about you. they didn’t want anything or anyone to cause you harm.

but what if they were the ones hurting you?

they both saw it on your face almost a year ago, when you were watching front row jey against roman at summerslam.

the betrayal on your face when jimmy sides with roman, hurting jey and hurting you. they both looked at you and realised something in you just broke.

jey was hurt and confused like you were. jimmy felt tears in his eyes when he met your heartbroken look. you were his baby sister after all, the one he promised to protect with his own life.

and now you couldn’t even stand to be in his presence.

but no matter what you tried to do, they now hated each others and that made you even more furious and sad. those big men were your big brothers, your bodyguards, the people you loved the most and now all you had was a broken family.

almost a year later and things didn’t got any better, in fact, their constant beefing backstage was tiring anyone.

“i can’t believe this” jimmy kept screaming as he wanted to punch jey right in the face.

you didn’t even know where this argument started from but, like every single time you found yourself stuck in the middle of it.

“if only you weren’t so self centred…” jey screamed back at jimmy.

“me? me? are you fucking serious? me? self centred? aren’t you the one going around and wanting to be called main event?” jimmy laughed “so i am the self centred one uh?”

“you going crazy man!” jey spat back “are you planning to ruin every single moment of my career like you’re doing every week on live tv man?”

“stop it stop it stop it!” you screamed at them. you were witnessing this stupid fight and knowing you couldn’t do anything to get to stop was hurting you. so, as you predicted, they kept screaming at each others.

“i ain’t ruining no one’s moment man, it’s just you who can’t accept some people are way better that you anyway” jimmy responded back, making jey laugh.

“so you’re better that me? that’s funny man, so why, if you’re that better than me, why, aren’t you getting booked? uh? cat got your tongue man?” jey sarcastically laughed making jimmy angrier.

you couldn’t stay there any longer.

“fucking stop it!” you screamed once again, tears falling from your eyes “stop fighting like goddamn children! i-i can’t do this anymore, i really can’t” you looked at both at them “all you do is fighting and fighting and i can’t do this anymore…i just want my family back”

jey, sensing your anxiety, tried to take a few steps close to you but you stepped back, not wanting to be close to anyone.

“i’m so sorry y/n…” jimmy apologised, hating to see you cry and hating himself even more, knowing he’s the reason you are crying.

“i don’t care if you are sorry! you always say you guys are sorry and then fight again and again and again and i can’t deal with this shit anymore! i just want my brothers back…i-i…” you were having trouble breathing “i just want this to be over”

“y/n, love, why don’t you sit down a little?” jey suggested when he saw you were struggling to breathe. he knew your anxiety and he knew you struggled with panic attacks and he was hating himself for being the reason you were struggling right now.

“no! no i don’t wanna sit here and hear you fight again! i-i…i don’t wanna…” your head was dizzy and the look jimmy gave jey made them understand each other without sharing a word.

“sit here love…” jey slowly walked you towards the little black leather couch inside his changing room “breath with me y/n…” you did as jey told you to do and you felt all the energy leaving your body.

“you feeling better?” jimmy asked, sitting next to you while jey was knelt in front of your sat position.

“why do you have to keep fighting?” you asked them, your voice breaking a little, now your tears falling down your face again “and don’t say you’re sorry” you warned jimmy.

“we will try to stop okay?” jey smiled at you. deep down he knew he couldn’t keep fighting with his brother forever but at the same time it was hard for him to forgive him so quickly.

“i don’t want a “we will try” jey, i want my brothers back…i want to spend time with you together like we did last year…” you cried harder, your breathing getting worse again “you just don’t understand this…i-i hate seeing you fight every day, i hate seeing you punching yourselves, i fucking hate having to share days with you like you are my divorced parents!”

“hey hey keep breathing slowly sweetheart” jey reminded you.

jimmy and jey both had no idea how this family feud was affecting you. they just discovered it now and they were both hating themselves for hurting you that much.

“you just don’t understand…” you whispered.

“no words can’t express how sorry i am love…” jimmy softly whispered with teary eyes. seeing you having a panic attack was the worst thing he ever witnessed. you were his baby sister who he was meant to protect so why would he hurt you that much?

same thing was for jey.

“i just miss you…” your voice broke a little.

jey cursed himself “i know things between us aren’t the best but our feelings for you will never change. no matter what, you will always be our baby sister and we’ll love you forever…i will try my best to not fight with jimmy okay?” you simply nodded while his soft hand wiped your tears away.

“i promise you we will be better” jimmy went and you nodded again, being happy with their responses.

“now, i’m pretty sure you have work to do so i’ll go back to my hotel room…but, if you’re free tonight can we have a movie marathon like we always did when i was younger?” you asked them, hope sparkling in your eyes.

they couldn’t say not to that.

so they said yes.

they knew they had a lot of work to do, especially when it came to them but, no matter the circumstances, they would always have your back.

[crazyunsexycool]

My Little Love

Chapter 32

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader

Word count: 5.7K

Warning: Some tears, little bit of angst, Sad Henry, Some seperation anxiety, some fluff

A/N: Our favorite family is back. Also it's the first official introduction to Steve's Honey. Although it's only for a brief moment. This also happens before all of the holiday one shots for this series.

Series Masterlist

There was fire in your veins. It traveled from the top of your head to your toes. The burning sensation wouldn’t stop even as you begged for some mercy. Leather straps dug into your flesh, cutting your skin and drawing  blood. The more you struggled the worse it got. 

A voice, familiar, cold and harsh made impossible demands. You begged some more. The only response you received was that same voice, mocking you and a stinging sensation across your cheek.

You couldn’t place the voice no matter how much you tried to remember. Where had you heard it before? A choked sob escapes you as the group of people around you move to ‘work’ on you. 

****

Shallow ragged breaths fill the otherwise quiet room. Slowly a voice calls out to you. Dripping with love and innocence and concern. It pulled you out of the deep dark memories that were weighing you down.

“Mama, is kay now. No cwy.” Charlotte’s reassurance was spoken in a calming manner. 

“It’s just a nightmare.” You heard Henry say as you finally opened your eyes. 

Your body ached, your muscles were tense and sore but you realized that you weren’t in the living room anymore. At some point someone, most likely Bucky, moved you to the master bedroom. Immediately your mind went back to the nightmare, a memory really. You couldn’t shake that feeling of knowing who that voice belonged to. 

“Mowning mama.” Lottie’s sweet sleepy voice pulls your attention as she gently caresses your cheek. She wipes away the tears that had fallen. 

“Morning sweet Angel. Morning my sweet boy.” 

It was a delight for them to hear those nicknames. They sat at either side of you and when you opened your arms they didn’t hesitate to snuggle up to you. You kissed the tops of their heads and just enjoyed being with them again. It was obvious by the sleepy looks in their eyes that you had woken them up. The door opens slowly and you manage to look over to see Bucky pop his head in. His smile is breathtakingly soft as he watches the three of you all cuddled up in bed. 

“Daddy come on.” Henry patted the empty space beside him.

Bucky’s smile widened as he walked in and closed the door. He was dressed in a black t-shirt and gray sweatpants which meant that he had just woken up too. He had no problem taking up the empty spot next to his son. Instinctively Bucky’s hand finds yours, your fingers intertwine with his. Soon enough Henry starts telling you about the video games he and uncle Sam and uncle Josh played. Lottie tells you about her sleepovers with Olivia. You listen and ask all kinds of questions and for those few minutes you forget about the hell you lived through and the three months you had been separated. The four of you joke and laugh, share cuddles and kisses. Your heart feels light and it erases any memory of your nightmare. 

There’s a knock on the door and when it opens it’s your dad. He informs you that your siblings are here. Reluctantly you let the kids go and got up, sitting at the edge of the bed. Henry took Charlotte’s hand and led her out to the living room, you could immediately hear your siblings greeting them. 

“How are you feeling?” Bucky asked. He knew from experience that asking if someone was ok after a traumatic experience wasn’t the best way to get them to talk. 

“Tired.” You murmured. “I had a nightmare, a memory really. I hate remembering.” 

He shuffled around and sat next to you. Bucky’s arm moved behind you until it settled around your waist. 

“I know Sugar. I hate to say it but it won’t always be easy. But I’m right here with you. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” 

You gave him a sad smile before resting your head on his shoulder. The two of you stay like that for a few minutes before you get up and head to the bathroom to freshen up. 

****

Bucky had already joined your family in the living room. He’d advised them that you had woken up from a nightmare, that from the events that happened the day before you were probably still on edge and that it would be better to not get too excited or loud around you just yet.  

“Hey.” You said as you stood at the edge of the living room. Unsure of what to do next. 

“Y/N.” 

Luke got up first and he made his way towards you. It was slow and cautious, almost as if he was afraid to scare a wild animal. 

“Can I hug you?” He asked, although he kept his hands in his pockets instead of holding his arms out and not really giving you a choice. 

“Yeah, that would be ok.” 

Gently Luke pulled you into a hug and kissed the top of your head. You clung to him. The moment felt all too familiar. It brought you back to your childhood when you would get in trouble way before you had been alienated from your siblings. You realized you were crying harder than you meant to because Luke was swaying side to side and reassuring you that you were safe. 

Next came Josh and Sofia, followed by Molly. All of them telling you how happy they were that you were safe. Olivia was the last to come up to you. Still shy around you but you couldn’t blame her, you had barely spent any time together. 

“Hi auntie Y/N.” She says shyly, halfway hidden behind Molly’s legs. 

“Hi Oli. Lottie told me you had a lot of sleepovers.” You had gone down to her level and she loosened her grip on Molly’s leg and shifted a tad bit closer. 

“Yeah, she was sad a lot because she missed you.” 

“I missed her too, but thank you because you kept her company.” 

“I missed you too.” She reveals as she walks even closer to you. “You’re fun.” 

“Yeah? I missed you too.” 

Olivia is finally standing in front of you, her hands behind her back and she squirms around a bit. You play with her curls and smile at her.

“Can I hug you too?” 

“I would really love a hug from you.” 

She gives you a toothy grin and then her small arms wrap loosely around your neck. You pull her in and pick her up. 

“Thank you for helping Charlotte and Henry while I was gone. You are the best cousin ever.” You whisper in her ear and she giggles. With a kiss to her temple you set her down. 

There’s an awkward silence. You knew that they wanted to ask you about what you went through. There was no way you’d tell them. Some of it you didn’t even really remember. 

“What do you need from us?” Luke asks as everyone settles down. 

You blinked at him, confused at his question. 

“We don’t want to overwhelm you.” Molly adds. “So whatever you need us for, we're here, just let us know.” 

You nodded but you were at a loss for words. It was a lot to take in, in the last few hours. It hadn’t even been a full 24 since you were found so suddenly having so much control of yourself and freedom you didn’t know what to do. 

“Shouldn’t you be meeting with Shuri?” Ed offered.

“Yeah we should. Are you ok with waiting here?” 

“Of course, whatever you need.” 

The information Shuri had for you was worse than you thought. There were several microchips implanted in your brain. Those along with a chemical component were being used to control you. Half of the issue was resolved when Yelena sprayed the antidote in your face a few hours ago. The other half was going to be complicated. You were going to need literal brain surgery to be completely free of hydra’s hold. 

Bucky took you aside and for a while he just held you. It was overwhelming. The decisions you’d both have to make were difficult. 

“Look at me Sugar.” Bucky murmurs as he pulls back. Your red rimmed eyes meet his bright blue ones. “I know it’s a lot more to ask of you. You’ve been through hell, I get it. But we have to do this. We have to go back to Wakanda and make sure those things are out of your head. I promise I’ll be right there with you. Then this will all be over.” 

“What about the kids?” 

Bucky sighs. 

“But you just got back, you can’t leave mama.” Henry argues, he’s on the verge of tears. 

“I know, sweet boy. I don’t want to go but the bad men hurt me and I have to go to Wakanda to get better like you, daddy and Lottie did.” 

“But we were gone for so long.” 

“Shuri thinks that it will take less time, bubs.” You tried to soothe him and run your hand up and down his arm but he pulled away. 

“Why can’t we go with you? You went with us last time?” 

“Bubba, mama needs to get bettuh.” Lottie speaks up for the first time. You had noticed she had been lost in thought, you’re sure she was having a vision. 

“But daddy is going.” 

“I’m going to be there to watch over mama during and after her treatments.” Bucky added.

Henry threw his arms around your neck and cried. He pleaded with you to take him but in reality you weren’t sure if your memory would be affected after the surgery or worse if you’d die because of it. You didn’t want either of them to see that and Bucky wouldn’t be able to watch them and take care of you at the same time. That’s what you tried to explain to Henry but he wouldn’t accept it. After going back and forth he just stepped away from you. 

“Fine leave again then. I don’t care.” He all but yelled before running away, turning invisible as he did. 

His reaction had you crying. He had been anxious while you were gone and now that he had you back you were leaving again. Henry’s reaction was completely understandable but it still hurt you. Lottie stood in front of you and offered you a smile. Her hair was much longer and she had it swept over her shoulder to one side as she played with the ends. 

“Is kay mama. Bubba just scared. I make him not scared.” 

“You’re gonna take care of him while we’re gone?” 

“Mmhmm.” She nods as she places her arms and crosses them over your legs propping her chin on one of her free hands. “No be scared mama.” She taps her temple. “Mama be kay. I see it.” 

You make a sound between a laugh and a sob before you pick her up. Lottie smiled at you and leaned into your chest. Leaving them again wasn’t going to be easy. In fact you were sure that the tightness in your chest had everything to do with being away from them. 

****

Shuri and the Dora Milaje that stayed to protect her were already on their jet. You and Bucky would be leaving with them. There was not a lot of time from when you told the kids to when you’d actually leaving so you weren’t able to talk to Henry again. You didn’t want to leave things like that with him but the clock was ticking and you weren’t sure what hydra would be able to do to you. After you said goodbye to your family you and Bucky were at Bruce’s lab, getting some last minute information. 

“This is a very awkward conversation to be having.” Bruce sighed. 

“Is something wrong with Y/N?”

“No, not exactly.” Bruce cleared his throat but was going slightly red at the mere thought of having to discuss this. “I think you should um not- do certain things for the next three weeks.”

“What things Bruce?” You look at him confused. “No training or using guns?”

“No. I mean you shouldn’t do those things either.”

“Then what?” Bucky was getting irritated.

“Don’t have sex.” 

You and Bucky turn to see a woman walking up to you.

“I’m sorry what? Who are you?” 

“I’m Dr. Banner’s new assistant.” She offers you and Bucky her name. “I started a few weeks ago. Anyways, while running some tests on your blood samples we found high doses of medication used for fertility treatments.” 

The reality of what this meant sat heavy in the air. They were preparing to use you for another winter soldier child and who knows what they would have done to you once you gave birth. 

“She’s right. I’ll have Shuri monitor your levels but from now until you get back it’s best if you abstain from those activities. Unless of course you’re ready for more kids.”

“Bruce, just tell us not to have sex.” Bucky shakes his head and holds back a chuckle. 

“Fine, don’t have sex. Now get out of my lab.” He chuckles. “I know you’re in very capable hands but good luck.” 

“Thanks Bruce.”  You also thank his assistant before heading out.

****

“So brain surgery, upset kid and now no sex. Things can only go up from here.” You tell Bucky as you sit back in the jet. 

Bucky chuckles and shakes his head. 

“They will. They have to.”

“I haven’t had the chance to say it but I’m glad you’ve let your hair grow out. I always wanted to play with your hair when you had it long like this.” 

“You’re welcome to play with my hair as much as you want.” 

You sigh and lay your head against his shoulder. 

“What’s wrong, Sugar?” 

You take a moment and tell him what’s bothering you. That voice in your dream and how you felt that you were supposed to recognize it. That there were things that you didn’t remember but that it was more than that, it felt that there was a wall blocking those memories. Bucky takes your hand and reassures you that everything will be ok. That most likely you just need to remove those microchips in your brain and everything will fall back into place. You can only hope that he’s right.

For days Shuri worked tirelessly to undo what hydra had done. It was difficult the first time you woke up to find out that the surgery was being done in sections. After two weeks of going between surgery and recovery, Shuri was finally done. It was complicated to say the least but it had been successful. You took one week to fully recover thanks to the serum.

****

It was a brisk night in Wakanda. The nightgown you had on did little to keep you warm but with all of the memories coming back to you it was a welcomed change. Some peace and quiet was exactly what you needed as you thought about how you would tell Bucky who had been hurting you and what you had learned and remembered.

“Sugar? Everything alright?” Bucky’s gravelly voice cuts the silence. 

“Yeah, just another nightmare.” 

“Mmm.” Bucky walks up and places his hands on your hips. You can feel his body warmth against your back. “Want to talk about it?” 

Turning around you look up into his concerned blue eyes. You knew you had to tell him but you were scared at his reaction. Bucky pulls you into his chest, his hand running up and down your back in a soothing manner. 

“I remember everything.” You mumble while blinking back tears. “I don’t even know where to start.” 

“It’s ok Sugar. I know this part is difficult, remembering any part of it. Just tell me what you want, if you want too.” 

“I remember the voice.” You start by saying. “I remember everything she told me, it was horrible.” 

“She?” Bucky racked his brain trying to remember any high ranking female hydra officers but he couldn’t. 

You pulled back to look at him, the truth was on the tip of your tongue but the weight of it kept you from talking. Bucky cupped your face and tilted your head so that you would look at him again. Your gaze was starting to unfocus and he called your name softly. One warm and one cold hand grounding you in reality. You weren’t strapped to that table anymore. There wasn’t a room full of men ripping you apart and figuring out the best way to put you back together. No, you are safe now. In the arms of the man that loved you and who might despise you in a moment. 

“You’ll hate me.” 

Bucky’s brows furrowed in confusion. There was a chance you weren’t coherent due to the surgery and medications. 

“I could never hate you, Sugar.” 

You blinked up at him owlishly while studying Bucky’s face. It might be the last time that he looked at you with so much love. With your hands wrapped around his wrists you take a deep breath. It was now or never. 

“My mom.” Bucky tilts his head but waits for you to continue talking. “She’s the voice. She was the one in charge.” 

You felt him stiffen.

“Your mother is hydra? Is your father? Your siblings?” A bit of panic in his tone.

You shook your head as he pulled away. He paced back and forth on the balcony. 

“How? Why? I don’t understand.” 

“Apparently all of the family on her side was hydra. But that’s not all.” You started crying then. Bucky stopped and looked at you. 

“My great grandfather and grandfather they were both-“ you struggled to get the words out. It hurt to think that two of the people you loved the most were created at the hands of your family members.

“They what?” 

You flinched slightly at the sharpness of his tone. 

“They were both part of the winter soldier program and of developing the program for Henry, Charlotte and the boys.”

Bucky stared at you with slight horror. He takes a step away from you and then another. 

“She was horrible. The things she told me.” You start to sob. “What she did to me as a kid was nothing compared to what she did this time.” You turn away from him and lean on the railing again. “The plans she had for me were evil. Having me hurt Charlotte and Henry was a fail safe plan. She knew it would kill me if they were hurt.” You hide your face in your hands and continue to cry over everything. 

The sight of you crying over the things your family has done breaks Bucky’s heart. You flinch when you feel his hand on your back.

“Sugar, it’s over.” 

“It’s not.” You shake your head. “She’s still out there. It’s not over until she’s dead.” You turn to look at him again with a pained expression. “As long as she’s alive we’ll never have peace.” 

“We will. I promise you we will.” 

Bucky pulls you into his chest and lets you cry until you can’t anymore. He had to put his feelings aside for the moment, this wasn’t about him and it wasn’t your fault. Deep down he knows you aren’t like the monster that your mother is, and neither is your family. 

From the moment you told Henry you had to go to Wakanda he had been anxiously awaiting your return. He felt bad for not saying goodbye. It didn’t help that Charlotte called him out on ‘being mean to mama’ when you were already scared. All he wanted now was for you to come back so he could tell you that he didn’t mean it. He was scared too.

It also happened that he was sad at the thought that you would miss his first official birthday. It’s not that a party was the most important thing to him but Henry wanted to spend it together as a family. 

So on the actual day no one could coax him out of his room. Not Eddie, Luke, Molly or Steve and Sam. Not even Lottie could convince him to go up to his party. 

“But bubba is so nice. You habe fun.” Lottie rubbed his back in a comforting manner as he lay facing the wall. 

“I don’t want to have a birthday party. You go and have fun baby.” 

Lottie huffs in annoyance. “Kay.” She says as she walks out and closes the door. 

A few minutes later there’s another knock and the door opens. 

“I said I don’t want to go to the party.” Henry’s tone is stern.

“That’s ok sweet boy. What if we do something else, just the four of us?” 

Henry sits up, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open as he turns towards the door.

“Mama, you’re back.” He says between choked sobs. Henry hops off the bed and runs into your waiting arms. “I’m sorry mama, I didn’t wanna be mean.” 

“I know bubs. We were both scared.” 

“I love you mama.”

“I love you too.” You kiss the top of his head and hug him for as long as he needs too. Pulling back, you cup his face with both of your hands. “Happy birthday.”

Soon he pulls away and moves to hug Bucky. 

“Happy birthday bubs.” 

“Thanks. Did you know they were coming back today?” Henry turns to look at Lottie who is giving him a mischievous smile. 

“Yeah.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Is a suwpwise. Duh.” Lottie rolled her eyes. 

“When did she learn how to do that?” You whisper to Bucky. 

“She spent way too much time with Nat and Sofia.” 

“Oh great.” You mutter. “So what do you say sweet boy, party or family hang out?”

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t you rest?” 

“I had all the rest I needed for now. Besides your dad and I made sure to pick a good theme for your birthday. Are you sure you don’t want to go see it at least?” 

“You picked it?” Henry asks while looking at both of you wide eyed. 

“Of course. Well it was your dad’s idea. I wish I would have been able to plan it though.” You gave Henry a sad smile.

“I wanna go to the party.” He says excitedly.

“Let’s go then.”

****

As always Tony out did himself. The largest of the shared living rooms had been turned into a fully functioning arcade. All types of retro arcade games were set up around the room, one of the bars had been turned into a prize booth and even the lighting was perfect. Anything you could find in an arcade you found here and there were even some of Henry’s favorite things available too.

There were banners hanging up that said ‘gamers don’t age, they level up’. Henry was wide eyed as he looked around and found that all of his favorite people were there including Sam’s nephews and Clint’s older son. Still it wasn’t packed with people which you greatly appreciated.

“Can I go play?” Henry looked up at you and Bucky.

“Of course bubs, it’s your birthday.” Bucky nods. 

“I’ll find you later. C’mon baby let’s go.” 

Bucky slips a hand around your waist as you watch the kids run further into the room. He leads you a bit further in but you stop him and nod in the direction of the bar.

“What in the world is going on there?” You were referring to Steve talking with Bruce’s new assistant. 

They looked like complete opposites. Steve was animated and smiling while she was a bit more guarded, a bored expression on her face. Still there was a bit of lightness in her eyes as she looked at Steve. You wondered how it started and what it was in the first place. 

“Don’t worry Sugar, we’ll find out soon enough.”

“You can’t tease him about it.” 

“I won’t make a promise I don’t intend to keep.” Bucky says with a chuckle.

Just then Steve turns around just to take in the room and his whole face lights up when he sees you. You watch as he excuses himself and walks over to you.

“When did you get back?” He asks as he gives you both hugs. 

“A few minutes ago. We wanted to surprise Henry.”

“So I’m assuming everything went well.” 

“Yeah. I remembered everything. There’s-“ you sigh, your features darkening for a moment. “There’s someone from hydra still out there.” 

“You sure? We haven’t gone through all of the files yet.” 

“Trust me, there’s someone missing on the list of detainees.” Bucky adds. “But we’ll worry about that tomorrow. Right now we are here to celebrate.”

You smile up at him. Although the serum had healed all of the surgical incisions your body was still exhausted from the three months of hell you lived through, the surgery and the emotional rollercoaster too. So you decided on taking it easy. You walked through the room, finding your family or the team and talking. Sitting and just enjoying being back home. 

****

“I’m going to win you a prize Sugar. Pick whatever teddy bear you want.” Bucky says with a smirk. 

“I want that teddy that looks like you.” You point at the stuffie that had a black and gold arm. 

“You got it.” 

Bucky heads to the basketball game and shoots nothing but net. He ends up getting so many tickets he can get you the bear. 

“Is this how you used to woo the girls you dated back in the 30s?” You asked as you hugged the bear to your chest. 

“Maybe.” 

You smile and kiss his cheek. “Thanks for my new sleeping buddy. I’m sure he’ll keep me safe.” 

“What? There’s no way a stuffed bear is replacing me.” 

“But he’s so cute and cuddly.” 

“Sugar.” He gave you a halfhearted glare. 

You kiss his cheek, laughing before you disappear between some of the arcade games with Bucky grumbling behind you. Charlotte and Olivia run past you, each of them holding some cotton candy and giggling. Henry is sitting at a racing game with Sam in the seat next to him, both of them competing for first place. 

“You can’t use your own hammer, Point Break.” Tony tells Thor. 

“But the objective is to hit these creatures.”

“You’re supposed to wack, not obliterate.”  

You chuckle and shake your head as you walk past them and find your dad hanging out in the lounge area with a drink in hand. He pats the empty seat beside him and you take it, immediately resting your head on his shoulder. After making sure you’re ok, Bucky leaves to find Steve and challenge him in a game of pool.

“How are you feeling, kitten? Do you need to go up and rest? I’m sure Henry wouldn’t mind if you went and had a nap.” Eddie said.

“No, I'm ok. As long as I’m not pushing myself physically I’ll be fine. I’ve already missed so much.” 

The two of you sit there for a while just watching everyone enjoy the party. Eddie just says something once in a while but mostly you sit in silence. It was nice but it felt surreal. Now you had a better understanding of why Bucky hated crowds. The space felt suffocating, as if all eyes were on you and every whispered conversation was about you. Maybe they were waiting for you to break. But it wouldn’t happen tonight. This night was reserved for Henry and he deserved a good birthday.

****

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.” Everyone stood around the birthday cake which was made to look like a huge video game controller, singing. 

Bucky held Lottie while you had your hands resting on Henry’s shoulders. 

“Happy birthday dear Henry, happy birthday to you.” 

“Blow out your candles and make a wish.” You whisper.

Henry looks back at you with a smile. An innocence you’d barely seen in him since he was rescued. There was pure joy on his face as he turned to look at his dad and sister. He turns back to the cake and blows the candles out. Everyone cheers and you kiss the top of his head. You pull him back as Molly and Wanda begin to cut the cake. Soon enough everyone has a piece.

****

“You have a mess on your face sweet angel.” You say while trying to wipe Lottie’s face clean with a napkin. 

“No mama.” Lottie pulls away, sticking her tongue out to try and lick away the frosting around her lips. Then she takes another spoonful of cake and shovels it in her mouth. “Habe some, mama.” She takes another spoonful and holds it up for you.

“No thank you, baby. I already had some.” 

“Is kay mama. Habe some, is so yummy.” 

You huff a laugh and accept the spoonful Lottie had offered you. She smiles before turning her attention back to her slice. This was very reminiscent of the night she called you mama for the first time. She was sitting on your lap yet again with a huge mess on her face. Everyone sat around talking and having a good time. This time though, Henry sat next to you and your family was here. Memories like this is what you would cling to in order to keep the nightmares at bay.

After a while the party calmed down. People were still playing video games but the atmosphere was more relaxed. You couldn’t fight the exhaustion anymore so you went to find Henry. He was waiting his turn to play dance, dance revolution. 

“Hey birthday boy.” You tousled his hair to get his attention.

“Hey mama. Do you want to play this?” 

“No it’s ok. I am going to go upstairs and lay down. I’m tired.”

Henry looked at the game and back at you unsure of what to do. 

“I’m not saying you have to leave the party, baby. I’m just letting you know so you don’t think I left you, ok?” You caress his cheek and smile. 

“Are daddy and baby going with you?”

“No,” you shake your head. “I’m just going to lay down for a little bit. Your dad and Lottie will still be running around. I’ll try to come back down later.” 

“It’s ok mama.” Henry gives you a hug. “Thank you for coming back for my birthday.” 

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” You kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you later.”

“Ok mama.” 

You watch as Henry gets up to select what he wanted to dance to before looking for Bucky. You find him with Luke, Olivia and Charlotte on the balcony. The girls were admiring the twinkling lights of the city as night fell while Bucky and Luke had a conversation. You go up to them and let them know you’re going to be leaving the party. Bucky takes your hand and gives your knuckles a quick kiss before watching you walk away.

At some point after you had fallen asleep Bucky  joined you in bed. The weight of his arm around your waist and the soft rise and fall of his chest against your back brought you comfort. You couldn’t, however, fall back asleep. As quietly and quickly as you could you slid out of bed and out of the room. You needed some fresh air so you slid the door to the balcony open and stepped outside. 

“Mama?” Henry asks from the door. 

You turn, surprised to see him awake at whatever time it was. He walks towards you, rubbing the sleep out of his eye with the back of his hand. You open your arms for him. 

“I was calling you, didn’t you hear me?” He asks as he leans into your warm embrace.

“I’m sorry sweet boy, I guess I was just thinking too much.” 

“It’s ok. Why are you out here? Aren’t you cold?” Henry presses himself closer to you.

“Not really but let's go inside.”

You head to the living room and get comfortable on the couch. Henry lays down and rests his head on your lap. Immediately you start playing with his hair while he holds your free hand. 

“When do you know if a birthday wish worked, mama?” 

“Well I think it depends on what you wished for. If it was something big then it could take some time.” You look down at him. “Why?” 

“I just want my wish to work fast.” 

“What did you wish for, sweet boy?” 

Henry sits up and faces you. “I wished for you to not feel scared like I was when I got here.” 

“Oh baby, you didn’t have to use your wish on that. I’ll get better little by little I promise.” Henry’s revelation made you tear up just a bit.

“I know. I just wanted to help you like you and daddy and baby always help me.” 

You smile at him then pull him in for a hug. 

“You are helping me, sweet boy. Just by being here with me right now and giving me some cuddles.” 

“I can do that.” 

“I know you can. I love you so much my sweet, sweet boy.” You kiss the top of his head before getting comfortable on the couch. 

“I love you too mama. I missed you so much.” Henry whispers.

“I missed you too.” 

Henry ends up cuddled up on your lap. His face is buried in the crook of your neck. Soft snores fill the quiet room. Your hold on him is strong and you struggle to not think about the things he must have gone through now that you have experienced some of them. 

The two of you stay on the couch until the morning when you’re woken up. Charlotte, wanting to be included in some cuddles, hopped up on the couch and found a spot on your lap before practically falling asleep again. For the next few weeks it’s the same routine. You wake up due to the nightmares and someone always finds you. The kids comfort you by cuddling on the couch, Bucky by letting you cry on his shoulder. 

It was true what Bucky had said, it wouldn’t be easy but you would manage. Your life would be slightly different now but you had a reason to keep pushing forward. You had good days and you had bad days but you pushed through it all. There was lost time you needed to make up with the kids and you intended to do just that. 

Ch. 33

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[joelsdagger]

i’ve made and deleted this post quite a few times over the last couple of days. and at first, i wasn’t going to say anything because this doesn’t even cover what i wanted to say by even a little, but ultimately, seeing a few others make similar posts encouraged me, and i really just need to get this off my chest, and if it resonates with one person, then i’m happy. this is not coherent at all, but like many, my brain is mush, so forgive me, and here we go...

as a (closeted) queer palestinian american woman, a daughter to immigrant parents, living in a fairly conservative state, i’m fucking terrified. i don’t have faith my rights are protected here. i don’t have faith that my parents and my sisters will be safe every time they step out of the house (in true typical arab fashion; i am white passing, they are not). my family has been targeted and met with violence numerous times since october of last year, and it's only going to get worse. which brings me to my next point.

i also don’t have faith that the genocide in gaza (that has now expanded to south lebanon and syria) is coming to an end, an end where palestinians can live and thrive in their native land anytime soon. and seeing people turn on us — so fast, spewing hate in saying “fuck palestine”, “fuck boycotting” and “you don’t care about my rights, so i don’t care about yours,” is incredibly saddening, disappointing, and infuriating. my grief, anger, and anxiety are at their peak and have been at their peak for well over a year now. and i don't have the brain capacity to say what i really want to say about the hatred and misplaced anger being directed towards arabs, but for now i will say this: 

now is not the time to turn on one another. now is not the time for infighting within marginalized groups. now is not the time to be selfish. to care about yourselves and not others, makes you no better than them. that is why this country is so divisive in the first place. that is how we got here. having that mentality — that ideology is dangerous and destructive. you are doing the work for white supremacists. you are perpetuating white supremacy. and it isn’t going to serve any of us because essentially our struggles as oppressed groups are deeply interconnected. we need to look out for one another. take care of one another. it will get worse before it gets better. and we’re only at the tip of the iceberg.

the fight isn’t over; we’re just getting started. and i know you’re tired; i, for one, am at my breaking point. but we cannot let them win. so let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel right now: grief, anger, sadness, hurt, whatever it is; it's all valid, and believe me, you are not alone. take the time to feel it. and then let it fuel you and your ambitions.

i also want to reiterate that this is a safe space for all. except anyone who believes trump is a good man and voted for that racist, fascist, rapist piece of shit. y’all can fuck right off. the rest of you: disabled people, chronically ill people, queer people, aro-ace people (i’m specifically pointing you out because i know how we're treated in queer spaces, and it is not fair nor is it right), trans people, women, people of color, sexual assault survivors — if you're reading this and you're unsure of your place, please stay. i need you. i care about you. this place and this world are better with you in it. you are welcome here. you are safe here.

i’ll be here for anyone who needs it, whether it’s to chat about silly little fandom things — it’s imperative we protect this space and continue to encourage the creation of art around here. it’s imperative we stop normalizing the censorship and policing of fandom spaces (because that's another reason how we got here). fandom spaces are communities, and very often they are the only spaces where people feel safe. for most (myself included), it’s all we have left — or whether you want to vent about how much you hate the state of the world — you'll always have a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on in this tiny little nook here. seriously. my inbox and dm's are always open. 

hold each other close. protect one another. the only way we’re going to get through this is if we stand together and continue putting in the work, because it’s times like this when the real work begins.

i’m sending you all so so much love. forever and always.

noelle xx

[luckykiwiii101]

I’m turning off anons! Lmfao the audacity y’all have to bully me. Post it with ur actual account then. I’m literally just 15. I’m just trying to help people manifest their dream lives and you are just bullying me. Now how is that what i get in return for wanting to see people succeed?! Wow. I’m also still on my own journey to manifesting my dream life. I created my blog to spread what i’ve learnt. And i’ve learnt so much since i came to tumblr. I’ve entered the void state a few times but struggled to be aware. The times where i’ve entered and woken up in the void state aware is when i had no clue what it was! I made that clear ages ago!! Stop trying to accuse me of lying! Tf?! Why on earth would i lie? What would i gain from lying?! Tell me?! Just because of your disbelief in your ability does NOT give you the right to come on my blog and accuse me of lying! PATHETIC! Also if you’ve manifested your dream life i doubt that you would still be roaming tumblr reading posts about how to manifest your dream life. The idiocy. And to say that “It’s not bullying”. Bro yes it is. Tf. How about YOU go learn what bullying is. It wasn’t a one time thing, multiple people are ganging up on me now. But carry on. Low lives.

+ Calling me rude? Okay! Of course i’m not going to respect people who disrespect me. Tf? Want me to sugarcoat it and act like a princess? Want me to just let them disrespect me. “Oh sorry, i’ll do whatever you want. You’re right. I am a low life and an embarrassment and a liar”. AS IF! I’m none of those things and you know it. You’re just reflecting your assumptions about yourself onto me! LMFAO the irony. If you really hate me then go block me and stop reading my posts? It’s that simple? I’m not here to convince you that i’m telling the truth. You can choose to believe in me or not. It doesn’t change the fact that i have entered the void state. Want me to take a picture of my void state and send it to you? Tf? Loa is based on faith and you want proof? You don’t even have faith in yourselves. You need picture proof for everything don’t you?

+ I’m going to stop posting. Unless they are success stories. I’m not giving you guys any more advice. I’m sick and tired of the people on this app. I honestly never thought i would be one of those bloggers that would be bullied on this app. I’m turning off anons so i know that half of you won’t want to send your success stories and i’m fine with that. You can priv message me and if you want to be anonymous i’ll crop out your username and pfp.

Edit: NO WAY!!! I was just abt to turn off anons and decided to look at my inbox and someone accused me of faking the success stories?! WHAT?! I’m sorry what?! They said “it’s you down to the way you type”. WHAT?! That is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard. It’s disheartening. I actually felt the pit in my stomach when i read that. People just assuming the worst about you feels horrible. But it just shows their lack of disbelief in themselves. I did not crate my blog to chase clout wtf?! Why would i spend 2+ hours perfecting my posts so you guys can read them. All that for clout?! I think NOT.

Look at these:

(The way they’re all anonymous says a lot).

+ The amount of bloggers you guys have done this to is CRAZY. Smh 🤦‍♀️

[misserabella]

stray. pt.4

joel miller! x fem! reader

< previous chapter next chapter >

summary; after saving Joel and Ellie from the brink of death, you get caught with having to live with two more strays.., and you don't do strays.

REMINDER: english is not my mother language so i apologize if there are some mistakes <3 !¡either ways, i hope y'all like it. <3

REPOSTS AND COMMENTS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!<3

warnings; eventual +18 content! MINORS DONT INTERACT IN THE CHAPTERS WHERE IT IS IMPLIED IN THE WARNINGS and smut, mentions of death, possible deaths, blood, fighting, angst, fluff..

warnings for chapter 4; as always reader being a bad bitch, guns, blood, fighting, clickers, wounds, weapons, threats, torture, murder, deaths, s3xual @ssault (no r@pe) , mentions of r@pe, tension, arguing, cursing, anxiety, angst angst angst, loss, mourning, ptsd…

Please, under no circumstances, repost my work on any other sites. I do not consent to anyone taking my work and posting it as their own.

“You’re not going.”

“But why?!” Ellie whines, shaking her hands. Exasperated.

“ ‘Cause you’d get me killed, brat.” you were packing on Larry’s house. You had a mission on the nearest city, a dirty job, but a good job. “Have you forgotten that you’re the most wanted kid in the entire world right now?” you ask her and she closes her mouth on a thin line. “Right.”

You roll your eyes, getting your water bottles and food to put them inside.

“It’s too dangerous even for you, y/n.” Larry says, sighing, tired. You two had been arguing about it for hours now.

“Larry. I’ve already tell you. If I get that motor for Maria she has promised to send us weekly food and resources. That could really help us out here, even more after this season…” you repeat, over and over again. He knows it’s a good deal. A deal you cannot pass on.

“But those men…” he tries, he really tries, but you are stubborn.

“Those men are nothing. I can take them.” you respond, and he doesn’t seem happy.

“No. Joel is going with you.” you look at him with a horrified look in your face. “Will you go with her. Joel?”

“No.”

“Sure.”

You look at him and he simply shrugs.

“FEDRA will be there.” you point out.

“I can use a cap.” you scoff.

“As if a cap would help you.”

“Believe me, they probably won’t even notice me. They’re mostly looking for Ellie, not me.” you sigh and Larry smiles, content. You hate him.

“If you die I’m leaving you behind.” you warn him and he nods.

“I hoped you would.”

What was that supposed to mean?

“Here.” Larry gives him a knife already sharpened and ready to cut. “You have a gun, am I right?” Joel nods and pats his back. “Okay. This mission needs to be quick. You get in there at night. Put them down slowly, no struggling and no shooting unless is necessary. We don’t want them to notice you’re there. You get the motor and you run, I’ll have Blair waiting for you with a car ready to get you back home, alright?”

“I still find it unfair. So he can go and I can’t?” Ellie whines and you give her a look that makes her cross her arms and huff, sitting back on Larry’s dinning table and taking a bite of his ham sandwich.

“Okay. I’m ready.” you say, hiding the last of your daggers on your ankles and wrists.

Joel takes his back and you two leave the house after having said your goodbyes. You had promised Lizzy to come back soon, in the mean time, she’ll have Ellie, since she’ll be staying with Larry.

You don’t talk to him, you hate it when people mess with your plans or things. You worked better off alone.

He followed you out of town and through the gates, the beep of the alarm on your backs letting you know it was newly locked.

Joel got on your left, and just tagged along. “We need to go up north a little bit and go right on the woods. Then we’ll get to the city. The most dangerous zone is a couple of km from here. There have been spotted various clickers.”

“Is there a way to avoid them?” he inquired.

“Sadly no. The safest way is right now completely occupied by a rebellion against FEDRA. They are really aggressive and don’t like outsiders.” you said.

“Tell me about it…” he muttered, remembering the first time Ellie and him were attacked while trying to get though one of those cities by car. “Well, it just means we’ll have to be more careful.”

“Just keep your eyes open and don’t stand on my way.”

He cocked his gun in a swift move.

“Copy that.”

-

“You got it?” you whispered, his arms extended and eyes focused on a stray infected on your way. You had walked around 2km and reached the dangerous and restricted zone. In a blink the infected was down. Shot straight to the head.

“I got it.”

Joel and you hadn’t talked much, only when necessary. It was normal. This silence in between the two of you. He didn’t know how to talk to you. You didn’t know either. Did you even want to?

He was a good fighter, not like you had suspected of their almost death the first time you had met him. He had a great stance, great aim. Maybe the fear of Ellie getting hurt had gotten the best of him. But that had been a mistake that could have cost him everything. Although you could understand.

“Let’s go.” he said, going to take a step forward, but before he could, you were dragging him backwards and in a quick movement pressing him against the wall. The building was cold and dark, creaks could be heard every now and then, and the paper of the walls was falling apart. Some bits stuck to his jacket. “What-“

You pressed a hand to his mouth, your eyes never meeting his but the door next to the both of you. Joel’s eyes did the same, and his chest got stuck in a new breath when he finally heard it. You were tightly pressed against him, trying to not be seen. The big heavy steps came closer, the sound of rotten flesh shifting with every thud. The bloater came into your point of view and you gritted your teeth.

Motherfuckers. You hated them. Every and each one of them. More than any type of infected. It had been a long time since you had seen one. A year to be exact. You knew it wasn’t the same bloater that had tore apart Laura. It couldn’t be. But you felt your blood rush, boil, the need to destroy him just like he had destroyed your most important person in the world.

But with that rage came too the fear. The panic. Your body froze, and your limbs shook. The images of that ominous day coming to your mind like flowing acid water that left you with a knot on your throat.

Joel placed a hand over yours when he felt them tense against his chest. You looked at him due to the recent touch, his eyes stare into yours. Soft brown and caramel touch. ‘Breathe’, you could read on them. ‘I’ll kill them. All of them.’ he could read on yours, your mind strong against your body, who seemed to be about to fall apart.

That silence again. A full out loud conversation made just with stares.

‘It’s not worth it.’ he shook his head, pointing out the obvious danger. Where a bloater goes a million clickers could appear.

You let go of his mouth when you could no longer hear it. It had gotten lost in the building once again, away from you. His hand was still on yours, his heartbeat bellow your palm. He was alive. He was here. You were not alone. This was not the past. Laura was dead. Joel was alive.

You got away from him as if he was burning and you were gasoline, about to combust.

He was alive. You were not alone.

That made your blood run cold, freeze in your veins and make you ache. Bitter and sweet, like lemonade on a fresh cut.

“Let’s go.” you said, and he looked at you, when you were about to walk away taking you from your hand and making you stop.

“Let’s go through the fire scape.” he pointed at the windows, where you could see the steps and stairs.

“It could fall apart. The erosion could have bitten it apart.” you said, and he pursed his lips, thinking.

“Could be. But if we continue we’ll meet the bloater again.” he argued and you rolled your eyes.

“Then we’ll kill it.” you said, and he gave you an stern look.

“It’s a suicide. We’re only two and with mere guns. We won’t be able to take it down.” you fight against his grip, as if you could prove a point, make him believe you were strong enough to take it alone. “y/n.” he said your name, and your body froze. “You’re still hurt. We can’t take the risk.” he said, and for once, you listened, ‘cause you muscles lost their tension and your skin softened under his touch. “Let’s try the fire scape.” you looked at him for what it seemed to be hours.

Follow me. Trust me. I’m here.

Your throat was aching to say fight more, stubborn as always. But you knew he was speaking the truth, and you had to take it even if it hurt your heart. Even if you couldn’t get your vengeance today.

“Fine. But if you fall it’s all your fault.” you said and he scoffed, letting you go as he walked towards the window that led to the fire scape and opened it. “You go first. I don’t have to die too for your stupidity.” you pointed out, crossing your arms over your chest.

“As you wish.” he shrugged and stepped outside, the fire scape not making even a sound. It was perfectly stable. “Told you so.” he smiled, cockily. You rolled your eyes.

“Shut up and move.” you said as you crossed the window to the other side and followed him.

-

The night quickly fell on your shoulders, and the city welcomed you with the remains of its busting energy. There were only a few people left on the streets, probably late workers getting ready to get home after an exhausting day.

You gave him a nod towards a hidden alley and he followed you with now his gun on hand. You managed to slowly open the door to the building where the motor was supposed to be stored, using a clip that has been seating on your hair. Joel was impressed, but again, this was a really hard world, and you learned things to adapt to it.

You slowly creaked open the door, gun looking right, then left. Clear.

Joel closed it behind his back when you waved your hand, stepping in. You cocked your head towards the right and started walking. The hallways were dark, dusty and old with multiple doors that you passed by as quickly and as carefully as you could, checking then one by one.

It was not long before you found the motor, after five minutes of searching room by room. It was in what it seemed to be an storage/meeting room, a really big one, with tables and a couple of sofas on the left. There were guns and bookcases and…

Next thing you knew, there was an arm around your neck. You choked, fighting the person that had attacked you. You heard Joel grunting at your back.

“Got him!” a male voice said, and you groaned as they dragged you further into the room, a girl snatched your gun away from you with a kick.

“Not as pretty as the one I’ve got.” the male at your back laughed, and your wrists were grabbed with his free and big hand, fingers digging on your skin and bruising it up. Your tries to kick him again were in vain, because in just a matter of seconds you were on the floor, his body pressing against you and making it hard to breath. The arm that surrounded your neck had retracted, his hand pushing your face against the floor. “Such a pretty little thing…” he smiled, and your heart jumped, a moan of pain leaving your lips when he tugged on your hair, bringing your face closer to him.

Joel was at your right, in the same position as you, fighting the buffer man on top of him.

“Don’t touch her!” he said, but he got kicked on the face by a blonde hair, breaking up his lip with her combat boot. Joel hissed and she laughed.

“You really thought it could be that easy? Get in here and walk right out?” she scoffed, taking a step closer to you and kneeling just the slightest to catch your face in between his fingers, fiercely digging her nails on your skin. “Who do you work for?” she asked, and you simply spat on her face, making her close her eyes and fall silent for a couple of seconds before she smirked, looking at you with malice in her eyes.

“Bob.” he simply said, and you had to watch as the man on top of Joel took his head and bashed it against the floor, making a breech open on his forehead.

“No!” you screamed, but you got silenced with a punch so strong that made your ears ring.

“Hey! Don’t touch her face! I want her all pretty for me later.” the man pinning you to the floor said, and the girl stood up, a golf stick now shinning brightly in between her hands.

“You bitch…” you said, and she smiled.

“Better watch what you say… Wouldn’t want your boyfriend here to pay for it, right?” she teased, and swung at his ribs, making his face contort in pain and a groan leave his lips. “Who. do. you. work. for?” she asks, Joel this time, and he doesn’t answer. “Fine.” she swung again, but this time he hit his head, blood pouring on his skin.

“Get off me! Get the fuck off me!!!!” you screamed at the guy pinning you down, fighting him off as she got Joel’s ribs, making him scream in pain. “Fuck!!!!!”

“I love the tough ones. Always the ones that cry the hardest on bed.” he said, and once again banged your head against the floor. “Should I make it quick?” he said, and Joel glared at him. “Maybe I could even do it right here, in front of your little friend. I bet he would love that, huh?” he said with a smirk, and you felt your skin crawl when his tongue met your neck, sucking there ‘till you hissed.

“I’ll fucking kill-“

Your eyes widened when Joel was cut off by another swing to the head.

You screamed when he slumped against the floor, blood dripping onto the floor from the wound on his forehead, which got bigger. “You’re gonna fucking die!” your gaze was strong, your words directed to the girl that now walked towards you with an amused smirk on her face. “Fucking bitch, I’m gonna-“

But you moaned in pain when she kicked you on your side, three times, making you curl on yourself and knocking the air out of your lungs.

“What did you say? You ‘want me to kill him’?” she mocked you, cocking her head, stepping back towards Joel.

“Finish him off, already, Jade. We’ve got things to do.” the brunette girl that had kicked your gun away and now stood guarding the door said, making the blonde roll her eyes.

“You’re always so fucking boring, Ray. You never let me have fun.” she pouted.

“Joel, wake up.” you said, fighting to get away, trying to make him come back to you and live. “ WAKE THE FUCK UP!” you screamed, your breathing ragged.

Your blood was rushing through your veins, burning you from the inside out. Your whole body trembled and shook.

“Yeah. That’s right. Watch the little rat die. I promise you will be right behind, pretty girl.” the boy on your back said, whispering and kissing your ear. You felt the urge to vomit. “But we’ll have a little bit of fun before though, what do you think, hm?” your eyes landed on the gun scattered just a couple inches away from you. “I promise I’ll be good to you…” he said, one of his hands now leaving your head and pulling aside the neck of your shirt to reveal more skin, his hips grinding against your ass.

Big fucking mistake.

“I won’t.” you spat and with a quick movement for your leg you rolled on yourself, hit his legs that straddled you. He lose balance, falling at your right. With a quick swift of your hand you had your dagger in hand the one that had been hiding on the ankles of your pant and that now you dug on the neck of the asshole that had been touching you just mere seconds ago.

He let out a scream that soon turned into a gurgling mess of blood and gasps that couldn’t fill his lungs.

“Axel!” Ray was quick to react, gun and hand and finger pulling the trigger to shoot at you, but you dodged it by rolling on the floor.

Her body was the next one to hit the floor, your dagger perfectly placed in between her two eyebrows. She was lying in a pool of her own blood by the time you got to your gun, but you groaned when one of the last two standing shoot at it and pushed it away from your reach.

You stood up as quickly as you could dodging multiple of missed bullets. You went straight to the guy, that had been pinning Joel to the floor and that now stood on his feet, your legs aching at the effort.

“Finish that rat off!” he screamed at his blonde friend as he recharged his gun. He groaned and struggled with you as you fought for his gun once once you’ve taken a hold on it —a little trick you had learned years ago— twisting it to dodge a new bullet. He almost had it, though you were quicker than him and, once your eyes had found it lying in the floor not far away from you, you took ahold on a bat with nails that you supposed they had used to beat the shit out of others like you. It was the divine intervention that you needed.

At this point blood was decorating your skin in little freckles. A painting of death and revenge in the hands of the wrong artist. You were still thirsty for it, you were on the hunt for more. You couldn’t see, only red and the ghost of his bodies. Rage was taking ahold on you. Mind was turning blank.

Your veins screamed for death.

The nails dug on the side of his face as you swung, his eyes rolling back as his jaw falling slack. You could see some of them sticking through his cheek and onto his mouth.

You were sure to have hit the brain once he had fallen on his knees as you pulled from it, brain matter decorating your shoes. You took his gun, and with a quick twist of your body, you shot the last girl standing —which was the one who had been beating Joel with a golf stick— on the stomach before she could give him the final blow.

“Fucking bitch!” she groaned in pain, hands falling to the bleeding hole on his body.

You shot her again, this time to both his legs, making her fall, the golf stick clinking onto the floor. You were going to shoot again, somewhere that would hurt but not kill her yet, but the gun had ran out of bullets. You clicked your tongue and threw it aside, making a dent on the wall at your right.

You almost felt the need to laugh when you saw her crawling her way to the emergency door in the room, away from you and Joel’s semi-unconscious body, who slowly came back to his senses.

Your steps were the only sound filling the room as you approached her, her heavy breathing and pants adding to the melody of an incoming death.

You were gonna bash her fucking skull in.

When you got to her, you kicked her hard on the stomach, winning new stains on your dusty jeans. Maybe you’d leave them. Maybe you’d grow fond of them. Let’s see how many more you’d get after you were done with her.

You were breathing hard, your chest heaving with every puff of air you could get, though no oxygen seemed to be enough for your body, for your dizzy and gone mind.

Not again. Not again. Not again.

The scream that she left when you kicked her once again could made anyone shiver, but not you.

I’ll kill them. All of them.

She was finally on her back, bleeding out on your feet. And if you were someone else, you would have felt mercy. But you were just you.

So you rose the bat and swung, blood splattering all over your face and clothes when you did it again, and again, and again…

Your arms hurt, your lungs burned, your body shook…

She was already dead. But it was not enough.

No. Not this time. This time I’ll be strong enough. This time I won’t be left alone. This time he won’t die. Joel won’t die. Not him. Not again. Not like Laura did. He won’t…

And suddenly you could breath, strong arms surrounding you from the back and stopping you with force. You fought back his grip, his hushing, his soft voice promising that you were okay. That he was okay.

He could see it in your eyes. That fear. The same fear that he had fought for decades. The same demons.

He had seen them take a hold on you while you fought, he had seen you lost yourself on the blood.

“It’s okay.” he muttered, and you hands let go of the bat, your eyes fixed on the corpse in front of you, completely unrecognizable, your crimson hands, your messy clothes… “y/n.” he called out your name and your eyes swelled with tears that you fought to not let show… Your palms burned due to the friction of the wood, blisters rising up on the skin.

His eyes found yours when he turned you around and away from the bodies that you had left behind, trying to get you to focus on him.

He too had been through this. Through this rage, through this mourning and need for blood.

“I’m here.” he said, and just in case, repeated his words, slower, softer. “I’m here.” you slowly let him bring you into his arms, your cheek pressed against his heart, where you made sure that it was true. He was here. He was okay. He was alive. You were not alone.

And Joel made as if he had not noticed the way your hands had clutched and fisted his shirt, tugging him closer.

-

The look that Blair has given you when you had taken the motor back to the car was…, well it was an understatement.

She tried to make your eyes meet hers, gaze digging holes on your body. But you were too gone to say something. Too deep inside your head to be able to speak. You were staring at the nothingness, at the blood on your hands.

You didn’t recall the way back to the town, nor how you had ended up on the back along with Joel, who silently looked at you and made sure you were okay. You had always been silent, but this time it was different. You were as still as a corpse, your eyes lost and hands trembling every now and then. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what was the right thing to do, the right thing to bring you back to the present, ‘cause it was obvious you were caught in between it and the so painful past that you always avoided.

The doors made a beep that let the car in as they opened and closed shut behind it, securing you inside. You were back home. You were safe. But were you? Was the person on your left safe for you?

Joel’s face was a mess. Busted lip, a cut on his right cheek that had already stopped bleeding, swelling eye, bleeding forehead… He had cuts all over his arm, the same arms in which you had been in between just a mere hours ago. The same arms that had made sure to stop you from falling apart.

“What the hell happened?!!” Larry was quick to approach the two of you in the middle of the night, being drawn by the noise of the car, flashlight on hand. Ellie was right behind, fully awake. It seems that she hadn’t been able to sleep at all, not when you and Joel weren’t around, when she wasn’t ‘safe’.

Ellie froze when she looked at you, Larry with eyes shot open. You were bathed in blood, new deaths weighing your body.

You didn’t look at them.

Joel explained, explained that you and him had been caught with your guards down, that the mission had went wrong before you had fixed it. Before you had killed all that people…

Larry took your face between his hands and you looked at him. His eyes were concerned, his hands inspecting for new wounds, for danger. You were okay. It wasn’t your blood. Then, he hugged you. He hugged you so hard you almost couldn’t breath. You were like a ghost in between his arms. Lifeless, lost. You mind had too much to think about, your mouth too little to say.

Ellie didn’t move. She couldn’t. Didn’t know how to react, how to move or talk. She could breath when Larry had promised that you were okay, that everything was okay. But her hands were shaking, and a pang of pain crossed your chest in fear that it was because of you. Was she scared? Had you finally become the same monster that had killed your family…, your friends?

The apartment was too cold. So cold you were freezing under your sticky clothes. Larry had made sure the three of you were back inside, secured, still shaken up by the thought that he could have almost lost you, lost a daughter.

That was when you started to move. Your feet unable to stop.

You didn’t know where you were going until your hands were on the handle to Laura’s door, didn’t even realized you had finally opened it after a year of solitude —or ignoring it was even there— too fearful to try and step inside.

Ellie, Larry and Joel were looking at you. Frozen in place, unable to move or speak as you closed the door at your back and buried yourself on your best friend for the longest time after her death.

It smell so much like her it made your eyes water. Her paintings and sketches all over the walls. Polaroids decorating the empty spaces, photos pf the two of you when everything was perfect —as perfect as it could be in a world like this—. Books left unfinished where left at the feet of her bed, her night table still had her favorite one left open on her favorite page. Alice in wonderland.

Your heart plummeted with your body on her bed, on her unmade bed that felt like giving her a hug, like having her close. That smelled like the stupid citrus stupid shampoo he used for her curly hair…

Your hands tugged on one of her pillows, your body curling around it trying to find her. Trying to find her warmth, her own beating heart. But you only could feel your own, your own shattering one.

You were staining the sheets with blood. Destroying that already broken place that you had been to scared to walk into. But you couldn’t care less. ‘Cause maybe that’s what would make you finally clean them up and put them inside her wardrobe, which peeked open at your right. Maybe…, this new blood could make you move on, even if it hurt.

You closed your eyes, ignoring the stickiness of your body, the weight of your drenched clothes, and cried. Cried in the silence that she had left behind, cried in the fear that had caved in you today after years of fearless guts.

For the first time in a year you had been scared. Scared of this world. Scared of a new death. Scared of your heart breaking again.

-

taglist; ♡

@bubbles-for-all-of-us @hiphopdancer101universe @amethystwonders11 @mmeerraa @azxulaa @euovennia @twilightsbiggestfan @dabria14 @minaxcarter @lynndaline @frogjumps-world @cassiepascal @mdnigts @fudosl @batweildinglittlepysco @doodlebob-mp3 @boh3mian @saintmagx @scaredknight @ipadkidsworld @somebodytookmyusername @natalia42069 @cassrox @seninjakitey @maddsfilms @issybee0611 @corpsebridenightamare

pedro pascal’s masterlist

joel miller’s masterlist

[hanakihan]

so since @i-bring-crack gave me the idea now I’m having a brainrot so here we are

‘Tired salaryman transmigrates into other world, decides to chill and accidentally completes the main quest without knowing so’, the thread

- jinchul is your average day to day salaryman who’s exceptional in his field but his life is so repetitive and boring he rarely questions what he does daily, even on weekends he mostly sleeps or works because there’s nothing else to do (he’s like me fr—)

- one night he was returning home after a really hard day at work, one of very few instances where he overworked even by his own standards. he was sleepy and tired enough not to notice moon being too bright and shadows dancing at weird angles around him. he did feel like someone was watching him whole way home so he sped up his walking and that’s exactly how he accidentally fell through one of shadows after stepping on it

- he doesn’t remember everything after that that much, but next thing he knows is that he’s laying in a comfortable bed. then apparently he wakes up in a strange room that kinda looks something straight out of historical drama but also something out of those isekai fantasy novels teenagers love to read. which is even more confusing when a man enters the room. that’s when jinchul realizes he has no idea what language this man speaks.

- apparently after several hours of struggling to communicate mostly through sign language and awkward drawings/sketches, jinchul more or less understands that he’s either sleeping after overworking too much or he’s really been thrown into other world (time??) without any knowledge. Go Gun-Hee (as he suspects man’s name is because he pointed at himself and said it several times) was nice enough to host poor man with amnesia and so is his wife. jinchul is a man of gratitude and considering his position he’s more than happy to help around their estate for sheltering him while also borrowing language books from their library. thank god his company made him learn several languages for business reasons.

- after some time jinchul is able to read and talk in their language so living becomes slightly better. history books of this world provide more context so yes, he’s apparently in some kind of different world where magic exists. he should freak out by this point but honestly when freaking out helped in any situation. there’s whole kingdom, there’s local religion, there’s so much he actually needs to memorize. jinchul is actually glad basic accounting rules from his world work here too so with time jinchul becomes gunhee’s accountant.

- jinchul hates coffee but only after arriving here and seeing there’s no such thing as coffee, jinchul realizes he might’ve been a caffeine addict. there was a solid month where he suffered drawback from its absence and it was impossible to even get up from bed. he hates coffee still but he misses it because now all tiredness crushes down on him in one go

- weirdly enough this world does have something akin to coffee beans but no one knows what do with them. just to test out jinchul buys some (under merchant’s questionable stare) and brews them. turns out it tastes almost exactly like coffee, just less bitter and less caffeine. jinchul’s opportunistic mind started to turn gears in his head.

- through some time jinchul now owns a famous shop, only one in whole country to sells and serves coffee related stuff. he’s more than happy with his arrangement, plus he has his own independent income and more free time to visit gunhee and his wife. he also isn’t that healthy (because honestly who’s he to sell coffee at astronomical price like it was back in his world) but he earns enough for living.

- one evening right before closing his shop is visited by a man. jinchul tenses because there’s something familiar about his presence. something from back from his world. something at last moment before he fell here. even is said man is actually nice, just a little stone faced, jinchul is still on high alert. rightfully so because room feels smaller and darker and he can swear he can feel phantom of a cold hand on his neck. it’s suffocating and for the first time here jinchul actually fears for his life.

- man leaves but occasionally returns from time to time to test different coffee and sweets combinations. there’s nothing much happening but jinchul is always uncomfortable. there’s something threatening but not actively so.

- during one of such visits jinchul is absolutely baffled when this unknown man visits his shop again and gifts him rare calming herbal tea leaves and best brand of kingdom’s chocolate. in exchange he asks for best cup of coffee and best desert jinchul can offer. through observations jinchul offers man’s favorites and was right because now everything is less suffocating and stiffening and for some reason jinchul feels like he passed some sort of test. it’s also the evening jinchul finally learns man’s name - sung jinwoo.

- after that it becomes a routine. jinwoo became non hostile and more approachable (as well as being the one to approach) and jinchul uses it as a chance to have a stable source of information about this world.

- (also because I’m a weak dumbass) jinwoo actually remembering when jinchul’s birthday is (even if he mentioned it only once in passing) at night of said birthday jinwoo ungracefully (even if he wanted it to be graceful) falls through jinchul’s window waking him up. jinwoo snatches barely awake jinchul to his palace to celebrate. jinchul is grateful and but also tired and sleepy so it’s mostly a nice late dinner, a present (magically enhanced ring) and a sleepy good night kiss. jinwoo is so shook he just touches his cheek and awkwardly leaves to sleep in a guest room since jinchul fell asleep in his room. once he’s in bed realization crushes down on him. apparently the most fearsome shadow monarch is deeply in love with a destined one to supposedly murder him. jinwoo’s own plan backfired spectacularly.

- jinwoo’s plan: snatch destined one into their world before church can summon him - let him live here for some time and observe him - approach him with malicious intent to see his reaction - if attacks then murder, if not then make him attached - make destined one attached and be in good relationship to keep a close eye on him so he can strike first in case of murder intent - accidentally become the one attached and fall in love with destined one - wait what???

[cowboybarzy]

unexpected part 3 — mat barzal

tbh I didn’t realize how popular this was with you guys which is why I didn’t hurry to write this next part. but if y’all really love it and give me your thoughts (& even ideas on how to continue) I’m definitely willing to write more!!

word count: 4k

I’m just gonna make this part of my summer series bc they did travel and it gives me an excuse (to literally my brain lol) to post this part now! an insta edit will follow shortly! come along the rest of the trip

📍vancouver, canada with mat barzal this is part of the unexpected series, so if you want to see how we got to this point, read PART ONE and TWO

June

"Sshh, sshh. It's okay, it's okay." Mat's soft voice woke you from a short, but deep sleep. You turned as your eyes fluttered open to see him sat up against the headboard soothing your baby girl. "I'm here. You're okay."

Your hand reached up to cradle her tiny head. "She might be hungry. What time is it?"

"Almost four. It hasn't been that long since you last fed her. But look, she's already falling back asleep." His smile grew and you sat up as well to see her eyes slowly closing. "She's so cute."

"She is." You kissed her head and then leaned against Mat's shoulder. "And so big. One month already."

"It went by so fast. I don't want her to grow up."

The last month since you baby girl, Myla, was born was the most stressful and tiring but also the most beautiful and exciting time. The new sleeping schedule was difficult to adjust to and your recovery was harder than expected. People really should talk about it more. But getting to experience both you and Mat become parents and your baby explore the world was indescribable. She already outgrew her newborn sized clothes and loved being awake looking around the room. She loved sleeping in her stroller while you took her on walks, where you and Mat stopped to get ice cream or coffee. Both of your families had come to visit, too, and of course all of your friends. They loved her and you were so grateful for the amazing support system.

Mat's season had ended a couple of days after Myla's birth, but not after his birthday which you unfortunately had to spend apart. But he was home now and took such good care of the both of you. Although the three of you did spend a lot of time in bed, you made it a goal to go outside for walks at least a few times a week. Your family didn't live far so they were able to visit and you even went to visit them a few times when you felt brave enough to leave the house.

"Oh, my god!" Mats voice brought you back to consciousness. You hadn't realized you were falling back asleep on his shoulder until his voice brought you back.

"What?"

"She pooped. Did you not hear that? That was gr– Oh! Ew! Babe, it's leaking out." He started panicking, then gagged as he held her away from his body. "What do I do? What do I do?"

You laughed, falling back into the pillows as you watched him struggle for what his next move should be. "Babe! This is so gross! Help me!"

"Well, go change her!" You watched him, still laughing, as he carried her with extended arms, trying not to gag again. "It doesn't even smell. There's only one baby in this room and it's not her."

He started undressing her, groaning from the mess she had made. "Oh my god, it's everywhere. How? How is her stomach so big to hold that much?"

You got up to see for yourself, making sure beforehand to take a video of Mat trying to handle this situation. "Yeah, we should give her a bath. That is pretty bad."

"It's the middle of the night!"

"So? She's dirty." You laughed patting him on the shoulder. "Welcome to parenthood."

At one month old, babies couldn't laugh yet, but the noises she made could definitely count as it. So you prepped her bathtub. She was small enough to do it in the sink, so it didn't take long to fill the tub with the right temperature water. When Mat put her in, she started screaming. She hated baths for the most part, but unfortunately she had to get through it. She calmed down after a while, enjoying the little massage you were giving her to get her clean. Mat put his arm around you and kissed the top of your head.

"You know, a year ago I definitely would not have imagined us doing this at 4 a.m., but I wouldn't change it for the world."

July

"Ugh, she's so cute."

"So adorable."

"Her little nose. And those cheeks."

"I love her so much," you said, not being able to look up from where your daughter was sleeping in her stroller. You stood around her with Mat's sister and mother, just staring at her. You were supposed to go on a walk to go get lunch, but for some reason (a very cute and sleeping reason) you still hadn't left yet.

"Me, too. Watch out I might steel her," Liana said jokingly. She hugged you tightly. "Thank you for making me an auntie. I thought I'd have to wait for years."

"You almost had to." You didn't want to call your daughter an accident, because she truly was a blessing, but let's not pretend you were trying to become parents. You both tried to contain your laughs, as their mother was right there.

"Okay, let's go," Nadia broke you two up and took ahold of the stroller, before walked out of the house. You followed her, Liana fighting her mother for the right to push the stroller.

A couple days ago, Mat, Myla, and you made it up to Vancouver to spend a few weeks with his family. Myla just turned two months a few days ago and you finally felt comfortable enough to fly with her. A lot of family and friends came over to see her, but things had finally calmed down a bit.

"So, any wedding plans?," Liana asked, after you had made it to the restaurant and the food arrived.

You raised your eyebrows, a small laugh escaping. "How long have you been waiting to ask me that?" She laughed. "Since last time!" And that was about a year ago when you had told her you were pregnant. Mat shut her down immediately, saying you'd wait until after she was born. "Well...?"

"I don't know," you answered. "We haven't really thought about it."

"Oh, come on. You need to get married! For her and for me!" You laughed and her mother elbowed her. "What? I know it's selfish, but please! It would be the most beautiful wedding, I just know it."

She started gushing about her dream wedding for you, detailing everything from flowers to venue to table cloths. Her mother chimed in, equally as excited about the idea. Normally you would have been too, but for some reason the idea of a big wedding didn't seem exciting to you anymore.

And that's what you told Mat later that night when you were ready to go to sleep while feeding Myla. "Your sister, well and mom, are already making wedding plans, just so you know."

He rolled his eyes. "How many times have I told them it's none of their business?"

Myla was done eating, so you handed her over to Mat so he could burp her. "It's fine. It was kind of fun to talk about and see everything we could come up with. But funnily enough, all my life I've dreamed of a big wedding like that, even just a few months ago I would have agreed to it. But now, I don't know, I don't really want that anymore."

"Really?" You looked up at his green eyes.

"Yeah, I don't know. I'd rather have a small thing, with just family and our closest friends. And baby Myla of course."

"That sounds good to me." He leaned to kiss your forehead with a smile and cradled your baby's head.

"Wanna get married? Might as well, we already have a kid." You said it with a laughing tone, expecting him to laugh as well or brush the topic off like you had done since he first asked you about getting married. But he didn't. He jumped out of bed, put Myla in her bassinet, and left the room.

You sat there, shocked. You didn't expect that reaction as well. You were serious about getting married. A couple weeks after Myla had been born you realized that you were being silly before. Of course you wanted to marry him and you knew that he loved you and didn't stay with your just before the baby.

Thankfully, before you could process what just happened, Mat came back and sat back down next to you. "I'm the one that gets to ask that question!," he said, which is when you noticed the little red box in his hand. You mouth opened in shock. Now that, you definitely also didn't expect. "What? You really think I didn't got out and get you a ring after you said no the first time? Please, you can't get rid of me."

"Mat..." He smiled, cupping your cheeks with his big hands before kissing you softly.

"Baby? Do you want to marry me? I don't care about the big wedding anymore either. We literally could go down to city hall tomorrow and do it there. I don't care. I just want you and baby Myla. Now will you please do me the honor of not rejecting me for the millionth time and finally saying yes to being my wife?"

"You are such a jerk," you said as the tears rolled down your face. You were still pretty hormonal and you had a feeling it wouldn't go away. "But yes, I'll marry you."

"Finally." He pressed his lips against yours for a deep kiss that had you falling back against the mattress. But you couldn't fully enjoy the moment for very long, before baby Myla made herself known. You got her out and held her in your arms, soothing her, while Mat held you close to his body pressing tiny kissed against your head.

"Ok, let me see the ring," you whispered when your baby girl calmed and started drifting into sleep. Mat opened the box with a chuckle, as your moth fell open.

"Like it?" You nodded and held your hand out for him to slip the ring on. While it didn't fit as well as it would have pre-pregnancy, at least you were assured that it wouldn't randomly fall off. "Kind is weird that we're doing this at my parents house, but I'll take what I can get. It's your fault though."

"Wha- Why?"

"I was scared as hell to propose to you again. I didn't want to be rejected again."

"Mat, I didn't reject you. I just– I didn't want to get married while pregnant." He cupped your face again with a chuckle.

"I know, I know. I'm just joking." He kissed you over and over again, until you realized that Myla was asleep and you could put her back in her bed.

Mat pulled you on his chest as you both laid down. "Wait, were you kidding about city hall tomorrow?," you asked, keeping your voice low.

"Not really. You wanna do it?" You looked up at him and shrugged.

"Kind of." You both smiled wide. "But wait, no. My family. I want them there."

"Okay, well we could ask them to come here? Or would you rather wait and do it back in New York?"

"Here is good." You fell in love with Vancouver the minute you got out of the airport the first time you came, so getting married here was not an issue for you. "Yeah, I'll just ask my family and some friends if and when they'd be available to come up."

"Okay. We can just invite people and whoever can make it, can make it. If not, then we can always have another little something in New York." You nodded, excitement filling your body.

"But if we're inviting a bunch of people, we can't do it at city hall."

"There's lots of parks and venues around here."

"Or your parents back yard?" You both thought about it for a second, then Mat smiled.

"Yeah, i think they'd be cool with that."

You both giggled excitedly, then he pulled you fully on top of him. "Are we seriously getting married in a few days?"

"Unless you don't want to," you responded.

"You are never ever getting rid of me."

August 2nd

It was wedding day. After a crazy busy 10 days, the day was finally here.

When you had told Mat's family the news the day after you got engaged, they were very excited. His sister screamed so loud, she scared the baby but you couldn't go soothe her since she had you trapped in a massive bear hug. She immediately started planning and listing everything you would need. Everyone was involved in making flowers arrangements, cooking and baking for the party, and getting the house ready to host a wedding.

Your family got to Vancouver a few days before the wedding, also helping greatly. Once your best friends arrived as well, it was time to shop for a dress. While there wasn't much so last minute, you found the perfect simple little dress that you absolutely fell in love with. You even found a little white dress for Myla at a baby store near by.

"Thank you so much for coming." You hugged Sydney Martin tight, then her husband.

"Wouldn't miss this for the world." She smiled and you hugged her again. She had been very supportive and your closest friend during your pregnancy. Since she'd already been through it twice, and none of your friends had experience in that department, you spent a lot of time together. You were so grateful for her and were very thankful she could make it to your wedding.

While both you and Mat felt bad about getting married so last minute and therefore not having all of your friends present, having the ceremony now did feel right to the both of you. And that was all that mattered. And even still with short notice, a lot more of your friends than you expected could make it. With Mat's family, yours and your friends, your guest count was almost up to 50. So lots of people to celebrate your love, but still more intimate than a big wedding you almost had.

You spent the morning of you wedding setting up the tables and decorating everything. Around two, guests started arriving and since you treated this as more of a party, you had time to greet most everybody before having to get ready.

"Alright, time to get dressed." Liana came walking and grabbed your hand.

"Wait." Before she had a chance to pull you away, you turned to Mat to give him a kiss. He reciprocated with a smile. "See you on the other side."

"Love you." He winked, then slapped your ass, before turning back to his friend group.

You made another pit stop to grab your daughter from her grandparents to have her with you while you got ready. Your makeup base was done so all you added was some eyeshadow and eyeliner, while your best friend did your hair. Another friend made sure to take lots of pictures and videos of your day. You fed Myla one more time before handing her back off to your mom, who was going to watch her today so you and Mat could enjoy the day without worrying about her. Then it was time to put on your dress.

"Aw, babe, you look gorgeous."

"Stun-ning!"

Your closest girlfriends friends quickly came to hug and admire you, before posing for a few more pictures.

"Okay! Go time!" Liana, who basically acted as your wedding planner, called when it turned three o'clock. She pulled you into a quick hug. "Ready?"

You nodded, already on the verge of tears when reality started hitting you. You were about to marry your best friend.

"Good, because I am so ready to have you as my sister-in-law." She kissed your cheek and then started getting everyone ready and into position. You kissed your sleeping daughter one last time, then followed everyone downstairs to the backyard, where you were holding the ceremony and party.

Through the windows, you could see the garden beautifully decorated and everybody sitting outside waiting for it to start. You could also see Mat, standing below the flower arch at the end of the aisle, with his best friend and best man Anthony standing next to him as they talked and joked around.

Your mom walked out to find her seat and as soon as Mat saw Myla sleeping in her arms, his eyes lit up. He took her from your mom, gently as to not wake her, and pressed tiny kisses to her chubby cheeks. Your eyes got watery again, watching them and knowing that the overwhelming happiness you felt right now would not go away anytime soon.

The music got a bit louder which was your cue to head outside. Your bridesmaids walked before you, down the shirt aisle you had just helped built this morning. Then you followed, slowly, scared to trip, but not too slow as you were eager to get to Mat.

Mathew. Who looked even more handsome than you though possible, standing at the end of the aisle with that wide goofy grin of his. As you got closer though, you could see his eyes sparkling with tears.

"You look beautiful," he mouthed and stretched his hand out for you to take. You took it, immediately feeling calmer. You looked over to where Myla was sleeping in her carrier and with a reassuring nod from your mom that she was alright, you turned your full attention back to Mat.

And Anthony who in addition to being best man was also officiating your wedding. Over the past few years that you've known Beau, he also became one of your closest friends and you couldn't be happier to have him as Mylas goddaughter and now here to marry your number one best friend.

For the entirety of the ceremony, you felt like you were in a bubble. Only Mat and you. Holding hands. "When I look at the time we've been together,

I always have a smile on my face. Through all the ups and downs we've been through, the one thing that has remained constant is my love for you. The love I feel for you has gone from wild and free to me enjoying the little things about you like going for a walk, seeing your face across a breakfast table, and even changing disgusting poopy diapers in the middle of the night. Love you, My," he said after a pause. You both looked at her with a laugh, still sleeping in her carrier.

"We have years ahead of us but when I look at the years that has passed my heart grows with such love for you that I ache. You are the most amazing partner and the most amazing mama to Myla. You're it and nothing is gonna keep us apart. I love you and always will."

Thankfully, before Mat even began his speech your made of honor handed you a tissue or your makeup would be ruined by now by the tears streaming down your face. 'Love you,' you whispered as you held your hand to his cheek. He smiled, with a quivering lip, and whispered it back. He took your hand and slipped diamond covered ring on your finger. Then you cleared your throat a couple of times and prepared to speak.

"Maty, you're my best friend. Ever since you flashed me that goofy grin of yours, I was gone for you. And I am so lucky you chose me to be on your team. And I promise you that I will choose you as my teammate. I choose you again and again. At the start and finish of every single day, no matter the season no matter the year. I choose you to struggle and succeed with, to fight and make up with, to love and grow old with.

And while I may have to send you to the sin bin sometimes, just know that I'll always be on your side and you can always count on me.

Seeing you grow and become the best father to our newest team member has been the biggest blessing. I am so proud you of. I hope I can make you just as proud. I love you and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

With shaking hands, it was your turn to slip a ring on Mat's finger. You didn't hear another word until Beau said those magic words: 'you may now kiss your bride'. And he did. Those big hands grabbed the sides of your face and pulled you into him until your lips met. He started out softly, but soon enough he was breathlessly while your friends and family clapped and cheered in the background.

********

You were married. An indescribable feeling floated through you all day, every since you walked down the aisle. Your ring glistened in the Vancouver sun that was starting to set as you chatted with your friends. You friend circle had shrunk every since you found out you were pregnant, a lot of your friends keeping distance and not keeping in touch as much anymore. You didn't blame them. You were still very young and a lot of them weren't ready to settle down or even be surrounded by people that weren't able to go out and get drunk every weekend. You didn't blame them because it took you a few months too to adjust to the idea of being a mother, but it made you even more grateful for the few friends that did stick around. They made you feel so special and supported during your pregnancy and even now they were already the best aunties for baby Myla.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Mat walking towards you, holding Myla. That sight would never not blow you away and make you feel all warm inside. "This little lady is hungry." He held her out to you and you welcomed her with with cuddles and lots of kisses.

"Where were you?," you asked him as you got ready to feed your daughter.

"I just went to change her. I saw my mom take her in, but I wanted to do it." He answered you puzzled expression, "What? I've barely seen her today. I just wanted to spend a few minutes with her."

Your heart warmed and you leaned into his shoulder. But your moment didn't last very long as the party was already in full swing and people kept coming over to talk to you. You went back to talking to your friends as Mat got pulled away by his.

After Myla was done eating, you decided to put her down for bed and once again tracked Mat down to let him know. "Hey, I'm putting her down." He was sitting with a bunch of his teammates that were able to make it out here who all fawned over baby Myla.

"Come on! Just let me hold her," Oliver whined, stretching his arms out, but Mat slapped them away.

"Absolutely not!" Most of his teammates got to hold her when you first introduced her to them, but Wally was not one of them. He joked around too much around her and was untrustworthy around babies. Those were Mat's words, not yours. He was obviously very protective of his daughter if he wouldn't let his own teammate hold her.

"I won't drop her! Please? Oh, see! She's looking at me," Wally tried again while the rest of you laughed.

"Yeah, she's trying to tell you to shut up. It's not happening." While he was mostly serious, there were joking tones in Mat's voice. You definitely thought they were all just messing with him, so you stayed out of it.

"Hey! Daddy Barz said no, so it's a no," the other Matt (with two Ts) chimed in in his best dad voice, to which your Mat gave him nod of his head.

"That's right."

You rolled your eyes at their banter. "Alright, I'm really putting her down now." Mat stood, but leaned down to where you were holding Myla in your arms so that he could kiss her little head over and over again.

"Good night, princess. I love you." Then he straightened and put his lips on your. "And I love you, wife."

"Love you more, husband."

[prettyyoungandbored]

Reason to Live - Johnny Knoxville

Pairing: Johnny Knoxville x Fem!reader (goes by “Babydoll”)

Author’s Note: Currently OBSESSED with “Reason to Live” by KISS and this is what came out of it. This is before Y/N and Johnny’s relationship. Enjoy!

Warning: Y/N goes through it.

Song lyrics belong to KISS.

NOT MY GIF

Y/N was a hopeless romantic and although it was a part of her that she accepted, she also struggled with it. High school boys either didn’t want her or they chickened out. The guys in her 20’s were very much the same with the exception that they just wanted her as a fuck buddy.

She tried to be ok being a fuck buddy. She really did. But still, the hopeless romantic in her thought maybe she could be the one.

She never was.

“Girly, you know I love you more than anything,” Whitney began, putting her hand on her best friend’s shoulder, “but you can’t go around falling for guys that want nothing to do with you outside of sex.”

Y/N closed her eyes. “I know. I know this,” she sighed.

“I know you know,” Whitney said with a small smile.

Y/N opened one eye. “Are you also saying it because you’re tired of coming with me to the Hard Rock Cafè when I’m heartbroken?”

Whitney snorted. “This is not my scene, but I’ll go anywhere for you and with you. I just hate seeing you get like this.”

She got up from her chair. “I’m gonna use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

Y/N nodded as she sipped her drink. Whitney had a point, sure, but still it didn’t-

Out of love, there's nobody around,

All I hear is the sound of a broken heart

Y/N’s head snapped up. Maybe the liquor was hitting her but also, maybe whoever was singing this song understood her.

Out of time, no more waitin' for you

Now the hurtin's through, and a new day starts

She eyed around to find out where the music was coming from. Her eyes landed on one of the many televisions. Her mouth hung open ajar as she got up from the bar and walked to the closest TV. Her eyes were glued to the music video playing.

And I feel a change in my life, I sailed into dark and endless nights

And made it alive

Everybody's got a reason to live, baby

Everybody's got a dream and a hunger inside

Everybody's got a reason to live, but it can't be your love

Something inside her called. Whoever was singing had a point.

Love, as great as it was, wasn’t the reason to live. She was built for better things in life. She needed to start living for her, not some guy.

“Y/N?!”

She snapped out of her thoughts and turned to see Whitney standing there.

“What’s going on here?” she asked. “You don’t need to be so close to the TV.”

“Who sings this?”

Whitney blinked. “It’s KISS.”

Y/N whipped her head. “It is?!”

“Yeah, remember my dad would play them all the time on the radio?” Whitney said.

Whitney’s dad was the rock radio DJ in their hometown. While Y/N and Whitney spent time there - and even worked there in high school - she wondered how she could’ve missed this song.

“Do you know the name of the song?”

Whitney shook her head. Y/N hurried back to her chair at the bar she reached into her purse, grabbing her notebook. She wrote down ‘KISS’ and a couple lyrics she remembered.

She bought the album the next day and it played on repeat for the entire week.

But the message stayed with her for two years.

=================================

Two Years Later…

Out of touch, with myself for so long,

Now a feelin' so strong comin' over me

Y/N leaned her head back on the head rest and let the lyrics wash over her.

She was in her rental car parked right outside the hotel.

It took her two years to build herself up. To create a life where she felt fulfilled by her work and by her friends and family. She was doing great. Never better in fact.

Then she met Johnny Knoxville on her first day of “Jackass”and she found herself slipping back to her old ways.

He was ambitious, kind, courageous, funny, handsome as hell- she knew she was in trouble from the moment she laid eyes on him.

For the first couple weeks, she managed to keep it together. But sure enough, she found herself melting whenever he was around.

Down the line, there's a lesson I've learned

You can love and get burned, if it has to be

A rap at the car window broke her thoughts. Y/N snapped her head up to see Johnny Knoxville standing there.

She rolled down the window.

“Hey,” she exhaled, an embarrassed smile on her lips

“I wanted to make sure you were ok,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone fall asleep to KISS.”

“Yes! I just…long day and I’m exhausted,” she chuckled.

“You’re telling me.” He paused. “We were all over the place.”

“It was worth it considering all the great footage we got.”

“Hell yeah. You really brought a lot to the table today. It was impressive.”

She shrugged. “Just did my best.”

Johnny’s face softened. “You sure you’re ok?”

She nodded. “I promise.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything. See ya in the morning, Babydoll.”

Babydoll. That goddamn nickname that made her want to giggle and squeal. The first time she heard it she couldn’t stop smiling.

She rolled the window as Johnny walked away and she leaned back and sighed. Just then, she heard another knock and turned to see Holly at the window of the passenger seat.

Y/N unlocked it and Holly slid into the passenger.

“Hi there,” Holly greeted. “I saw you and Wonder Boy-.” She paused. “Is this KISS?”

Y/N turned down the radio. “Yeah.”

“Would you care to explain why you’re sitting in the car listening to KISS?”

Y/N sighed. “Look, you know I like Johnny, and I haven’t had a crush like this in a long time. It’s that kind of crush I want to shake off, but I just can’t.”

“Why would you want to shake it off?” Holly questioned with a pout.

“Because whenever I’ve had them in the past, I’ve just gotten let down.” Y/N pulled back her lips. “It used to be bad and then I heard this song…and I don’t know. It just kind of pulled me back up and reminded me there was more to life than crushes or falling in love and dating and shit. And it worked before.l

She sighed. “It’s not working anymore. I’ve been listening to it on replay since I got here because every time Johnny and I talk, those feelings come back and I don’t want to ruin anything.”

She felt a warmth on her hand. She looked down to see Holly holding her hand.

“I’m sorry you’ve been let down,” Holly said. “I know crushes suck. But maybe this one might work out. You never know until you give yourself a chance to put yourself out there.”

Y/N nodded. “Ok. I’ll try.”

“Good.”

Holly went to get out of the car when Y/N said, “I’m gonna give myself another couple of minutes in here. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Holly closed the car door and Y/N sighed. She then put the song on repeat.

=====================================

BONUS SCENE

Holly found Johnny, Steve-O, and Ryan talking in the hallway.

“PJ, a word?” she motioned.

He excused himself from the group when Steve-O shouted, “Don’t steal my girl, Knoxville!”

Johnny waved him off as he and Holly stood in the corner.

“Look, I’m gonna be straight with you,” she said. “Y/N likes you too, ok? I don’t know why she does, but she does.”

Johnny perked up. “What do you mean likes me too? Wait, what did she-.”

Holly held up her hand. “Don’t play this game with me, ok? Just make a move.”

He shoved his hands inside his jean pockets. “She just feels out of my league.”

“Yeah, she is,” Holly agreed. “But I also know you’re a good guy and you would be good for her and her for you. Listen, I’ll drive her to set tomorrow. I’ll slash her tire or something while she sleeps. You drive her home and ask her out, ok?”

Johnny nodded. “You got a deal.” Then it dawned on him. “Wait, you’re gonna do what?!”

[ilovesjamesbb]

Please Don't Leave Me (Pt. 7)

Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Depression, suicide, depressing shit

“No. No no no no no no.” He grabbed my body pulling me out of the tub. He was struggling. What is happening? Our song, James. Our song is on. I feel sleepy. I feel good. All of a sudden there is a clatter and I feel something in my mouth. It's large and it makes its way down my throat. It's a terrible feeling. I feel myself starting to wake up. 

Bucky runs over to the tub pulling y/n out of the red water. The cuts aren't that deep but enough to bleed bad. He looks down and sees the pill bottle. He picks it up and it's empty. Fuck. 

What had she done? I left her alone. This is my fault. She needed me and I left her. I didn’t know what else to do but get those pills out. 

“You're not gonna like this, doll. I promise you will be okay. I’ll fix this.” I shove my fingers down her throat hoping to trigger her gag reflex. She’s barely conscious she's not really fighting back so I push further. 

“Come on. Come on!” Fuck this isn’t working. Right when I lost hope she started to gag and throw up. It's not enough. I keep my fingers down her throat. 

“There you go, doll. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” She vomits until there is nothing left. The bath water is starting to overflow and red water finds its way onto the floor. I grab her head and rock her back and forth. Crying. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I harshly wiped her hair out of her face. 

“Our song is on, James.” She smiles but never opens her eyes. Thank god.

“Yes doll our song is on.” I say sweetly but I can hear the sadness in my voice as it cracks. 

“I wish this was real, James. I wish this is how it could've been.” She hums sadly. She thinks this isn’t real?

“This IS real doll. I’m right here.” I cry. The floor covered in vomit and bloody water is something I'll never forget. I rip the towel off the wall and cover her in it. I need to call someone but I don’t want to leave her. 

“I love you. I never wanted you to hate me for trying to kill myself. I thought I was doing the right thing. All I could see in that moment was your reaction to watching the tape the scientists would send you and I didn’t want you to end up how I am now.” She whispers. Still clearly not with it. 

“I wish you were real right now. I wish we got to have the future I dreamt of.”

“Tell me about it, doll.” I said trying to keep it together.

“We would live in a white house with a red door. There would be a white fence and flowers on the front lawn. A huge willow tree in the back where maybe we could put a swing. The paperboy would drop off the paper every morning and I would make you coffee and bring it to you in bed. We would read the paper together. Our favorite song is playing on one of the many record players we have in the house. You would wake me up with a kiss every day. We would talk about what we wanted to name our future baby. We would get to have kids and they would grow up to love the music we like almost as much as they would love you…” She trailed off. God I wanted that too. 

“What else? Tell me more.” I urged her on. I wanted to make her regain full consciousness. 

“I’m tired James. I can see it, can't you? I see the dog running in the backyard. You always throw his ball too far…he can’t find it. I can’t find you… James, where are you…” I can feel her start to slip again. She was panicking. 

“Y/n. Y/n!” I yell, shaking her.

“JARVIS. Call Steve, call Tony, call someone!” I screamed. The fear in my voice evident. 

“They are coming, Sergeant Barnes. I alerted Dr. Cho as well.” I held her in my arms whispering sweet nothings into her hair. I couldn't lose her for a third time. 

[fandomfreakstudios]

You know that fun thing that some authors will do where they make their ocs or boobs get a chance to talk to a past version of themselves? Well I just thought about doing that with Bojack and this just kind of fell out of me.

The two men would look at each other from across the room. Neither would question where they were or why they were there, they didn’t exactly have the attention to spare for that.

Bojack Then looked at an unfamiliar mirror of himself. Older, a bit greyer, steadying himself with a cane and a slight limp. He looked tired, and slightly worn, but he had a certain light in his eyes that Bojack Then simply lacked.

Bojack Now looked at his counterpart, and he saw someone he hated more deeply than he could ever properly express.

For a moment he ignored the younger man, who was standing somewhat awkwardly to the side, well aware he was being scrutinized by the one person who probably knew him better than anyone. But he ignored Bojack Then, sitting down on the nearest couch with a grunt, resting his cane across his lap, and sighing in relief.

“Damn, what happened to us?” Bojack Then asked with a chuckle, although there was a bit of concern etched in his voice, as would anyone who believes their future may consist of chronic pain.

“Your idiotic ass got in a car crash on purpose so you could get more opioids”

“yeah that… that sounds about right” he chuckled dryly

they settled back into a deep, uncomfortable silence, Bojack Now regaining his scrutinizing glare.

Bojack Then shifted his feet uncomfortably, feeling oddly like his child self being scrutinized by his parents… but the man across from him probably knew that feeling too. The man across from him probably understood everything he was feeling and more.

Bojack Then would hesitantly spoke up “so… what’s our life like now?”

“It’s nice. It’s rather quiet, peaceful. I’m married now, I moved up north to a rather quiet area, all that “fresh start” nonsense. I bake, I garden, I knit, old people shit” he said rather bluntly.

The younger man listened intently, nodding along. That sounded… amazing. Like something he would hallucinate himself living while having a GOOD trip, but it was actually reality. He was alive and enjoying retirement. That’s good….. right?

The younger man chuckled… “so… uhh… is this the part where you give me all sorts of life saving advice and tell me the secret to turning my life around..?”

The older man looked him up and down, and chuckled softly, a wry smile on his face. “Typical”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You just want some magical answer, huh? some sort of perfect solution that’ll make everything easy for you without putting in any real work, don’t you?”

“that’s not what I-”

“i don’t like you. I don’t like anything about you. It’s you that makes my life as hard as it is right now. It’s your influence that makes me struggle every day to maintain what i’ve built. You really think I have some sort of advice, or encouragement, that you haven’t ignored from other people a million times before? From Diane? From Princess Carolyn? Fuck you”

Bojack Then was taken aback for a moment, before he chuckled dryly. “You really ARE an asshole, seems we haven’t changed a bit, huh?”

“Don’t you dare compare yourself to me. You don’t know me, you couldn’t possibly comprehend what my life is like now,” He growled “You are the cause of all of your… no, all of OUR problems. I spend every day of my life trying to pick up the pieces of the stupid mess your idiocy left behind”

As Bojack Then was stunned into silence, Bojack Now managed to pull himself upright, balancing on his cane once again. He turned to the door, but hesitated in stepping towards it.

He paused, turning to the younger man, a wry smile on his face. “You know… I do have one thing I could tell you, without feeling like it’s a total waste of time.”

“what’s… what’s that?”

Bojack Now chuckled, taking a slow step towards the door. He rested his free hand on the handle and looked over his shoulder.

Before he stepped out of the room he said only one more thing.

“We’re gay”

[jewish-vents]

Just left r/Jewish because everyone there decided to get pissy that non-Ashkenazi Jews have a word to describe the intracommunity problems we face. The Columbia definition is bullshit, it fetishises non-Ashkenazim and demonises Ashkenazim and twists the idea of ashkenormativity into some sort of racism thing rather than what it really is— the neglect and looking down of on non-Ashkenazi Jews and Judaism (especially in Israel where we’ve been fucked over for decades, I love my family’s country but it’s still terrible). Yeah, that’s fucking gross and I hate it too, probably more than these people. But I’m just so fucking tired of so many Ashkenazim acting like non-Ashkenazim have always had it so amazing and there’s never been any problems ever with us not being treated well

‘Stop trying to divide the community! We’re all Jews after all, right?’ Well if you motherfuckers actually saw us as equal Jews, and if you didn’t try to divide the community by neglecting and looking down on us, then we wouldn’t be trying to have this conversation

‘Well it’s just natural for this to happen in countries like America. Ashkenazim are obviously going to be centred when they’re the majority!’ Okay, so Jews are just under 0.2% of the world— this clearly means that we should be completely ignored, until we’re brought up for the sole purpose of being mocked. Oh wait, that already happens, and every Jew is fucking angry about it! But we shouldn’t be, because the non-Jews are just the majority, it’s natural for them to be centred. And ashkenormativity isn’t just about Ashkenazi stuff being centred— it’s Ashkenazi stuff being centred at the expense of non-Ashkenazim

‘Well I’ve never seen ashkenormativity before!’ YEAH WELL THAT’S BECAUSE YOU STICK YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS AND SHOUT ‘BUT WE’RE ALL JUST JEWS’ EVERY TIME WE TRY TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT

At the very best we get our history completely ignored. At the worst they tell us it was actually amazing, and ‘no, Dhimmi status was good actually’. At the very best we get shut out whenever ‘Jewish culture’ is brought up. At the worst our customs, languages, and way of Judaism is completely mocked. At the very fucking best our existence gets completely ignored, and at the worst we’re told that we’re not actual fucking Jews

If you can acknowledge that the Samech Tet were incredibly discriminatory to Ashkenazim (well, they looked down on all Jewish groups, but were fucking AWFUL to Ashkenazim), then you should be able to acknowledge Ashkenormativity is a real thing. But no, all these people ever do is shut it out and pretend that we’re trying to cause trouble by bringing it up

I’m so tired. Everyone hates us already, I don’t have the energy for my own fucking people pulling this bullshit. All I want to do is sleep now honestly

I'm half Ashkenazi and half Mizrahi, and I see ashkenormativity all the time, from both sides of my family actually.

this is something I've seen time and time again in different communities, actually. a minority that is being oppressed as a sub-minority that's oppressed by both the majority and the second half of the minority, and asks for respect from their peers only to be told they're dividing the community by not pretending to be a unified wholesome family because the oppressors will use it as an excuse to call the entire minority evil.

the more privileged of the minority are scared that if the oppressors see any problems in their community, they'd point their finger and call them evil, so they want to pretend like they're perfect little angels and that nothing is wrong, and silences their own minority to not speak of their struggles living in the community. Columbia's definition of Ashkenormativity is treated as a "white supremacy but Jewish" and used to demonize ashkenazi jews as if the term is proof that all Jews are white oppressors and the poc Jews are suffering under their iron fist and never had any form of rights, when in reality, Ashkenazim are the privileged group the same way every country has a privileged group, and it's important to address and combat it.

we should always talk about problems inside our community, even if goyim will try to take it and twist it to justify their hate.

- 🐬

[ghozt-gutz]

Hey sorry for the lack of posting guys.

I’ve been in a really sad doomery mood lately. I guess I’m just getting ready to suffer and struggle again I finally got a good job that pays me decent and gives me overtime whenever I want for the first time in my life and now I’m worried that we’re headed for another economic downturn and I’m going to end up right back where I was. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way, like hey life was actually starting to not kick the shit out of me and now I’m gonna be poor as fuck again and my trans partner is going to go through it and we’re both going to lose vital healthcare we need and aaAAAAAHHH FUCKKNG HATE IT HERE someone please get me the fuck oit of this clown country where I have to live a nightmare every four years 🙃

And then seeing how all these American men are behaving just full mask off chuddery makes me never wanna interact or talk to a man again especially after how I’ve been treated this year. My body your choice? My body your funeral fuck you. God I hate how much I love men and find them attractive and love male attention because every relationship I’ve ever had with a man has sucked so fucking bad I’ve never been with a man who hasn’t talked down to me or given me shit for my weight or my appearance or treated me like I was stupid or not good enough or projected his own bullshit onto me or just straight up ditch me and I have very little faith that I’m ever gonna meet a guy that would ever take any interest in me who doesn’t doesn’t do any of that shit. Like fuck man. It just feels so bleak out here. I’m tired. I’m so tired.

Okay well I’ll stop bitching tho I’m sorry.

I’m trying to pull myself out of it though. There’s a couple of pieces I really wanna get done before the year is out so I’m trying to find the drive to finish them. But overcoming all this depression I have is hard.

Anyway if you made it this far into this post I thank you for hearing me vent and I’ll try finish something soon. Thanks yall.

[d8nielaa]

hey!

can i do a jason request?

where reader is struggling mentally with anxiety and jason helps her get through and she finally opens up to him about what is bothering her which is fear of the future and disappointing everyone? (the reader is me, i am struggling lol)

you could make them romantic partners if you’d like, thank you!

Authors Note: yes ofc anon! it's important to take care of yourself, especially during these times..

You're gonna be okay

Jason Schmidt x fem!reader

You were sitting in the living room, curled up on the couch, with your knees pulled to your chest. The dim light of the evening filtered in through the window, but it didn’t seem to reach you. The weight of your thoughts was heavier than usual tonight. Every time you tried to push them away, they came back with a sharper edge. You hated feeling this way. You hated how it affected your ability to focus, to relax, to be present with Jason.

You had never been good at talking about your anxiety. The spirals, the doubts, the overwhelming fear that everything might fall apart for no reason at all. You always felt like a burden when you tried to explain, so most of the time, you kept it in, hidden behind a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes.

Jason had noticed, though. He always did. He was the type of person who could read you like a book, even when you kept the pages closed. Tonight, he sat beside you, his arm resting on the back of the couch, his eyes scanning you with that soft, concerned gaze that made your heart ache.

“Hey,” his voice was gentle, the sound of it familiar and safe, like a steady anchor in the storm of your mind. “You okay?”

You smiled weakly, trying to brush it off. “Yeah, just tired.”

He didn’t buy it. Jason never did, and you knew he wouldn’t let it slide tonight.

He shifted closer, his warm hand brushing against yours before lacing his fingers with yours. The contact sent a little spark through you, but it didn’t erase the storm in your head. He squeezed your hand, the action simple but grounding.

“You know, you can tell me anything,” he said softly. “I’m here for you. Always.”

Your chest tightened, and for a moment, you thought you might crumble. How could you explain this? How could you put into words the fear that had been eating away at you for days?

“I—I don’t know, Jace,” you murmured, your voice catching in your throat. “I just feel like… I’m failing. Like I’m not doing enough, and I’m not going to make it. I’m scared I’m going to disappoint everyone. You, my family… I don’t know how to get it together.”

Jason’s brow furrowed, and he gently turned you toward him, lifting your chin so your eyes met his. “You’re not a disappointment. Not to me, not to anyone who really matters.” His voice was firm, but there was a tenderness to it that made your chest ache even more. “I get that it feels heavy. Trust me, I do. But you’re not failing. You’re doing your best. And that’s enough.”

You shook your head, tears welling up despite your best efforts to keep them at bay. “But what if it’s not enough? What if everything I’ve been doing… what if it’s all leading to a dead end? I’m so scared of the future. Of everything just falling apart.”

Jason’s thumb brushed against the back of your hand in a slow, soothing rhythm. He didn’t try to tell you it would all magically get better. He didn’t offer empty words of reassurance. Instead, he just stayed there, his presence a quiet comfort, as if he were saying: I’m here, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

“You don’t have to have everything figured out right now,” he said, his voice low and steady. “No one does. You don’t need to have a perfect plan, or the perfect future. All you need is today. Just take it one step at a time. And when you feel like you can’t do it anymore, I’m here. We’ll face it together.”

You let out a shaky breath, the weight in your chest lightening just a little bit. It felt absurdly comforting, hearing him say those words. Like he was giving you permission to not have it all figured out, to not always have to be okay.

“I’m scared,” you whispered, the words finally slipping out in a raw confession. “Scared I’ll mess everything up, scared I’ll disappoint everyone, and… I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.”

Jason leaned in, pressing his forehead gently to yours. His breath was warm against your skin, his voice steady and sure. “Hey, listen to me,” he murmured. “You are strong. Stronger than you think. And you’re not alone in this. Whatever happens, I’ll be right here by your side, even on the days when you don’t feel strong. We’ll get through it together, okay?”

Tears fell freely now, but they weren’t filled with the sharp pain they had been before. They were softer, a release, as if his words had unlocked something inside of you.

You nodded, taking a shaky breath, letting the warmth of his words sink in. “Okay,” you whispered. “Okay.”

He smiled, a small, reassuring smile that made you feel like maybe, just maybe, you could breathe again. He pulled you into his arms, holding you close, letting you rest against him, his embrace a safe haven. You closed your eyes, letting yourself melt into the moment, letting the anxiety fade just a little as you felt the weight of his love and support surround you.

“You’re not alone in this, babe,” he murmured, kissing the top of your head. “You never will be.”

And for the first time in a long time, you allowed yourself to believe it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors Note: merry christmas eve everyone!