#really solidifying the fact that i am best at writing angst though

[zukkaoru]

whenever i say "i want to write more lighthearted fics" that is apparently actually a warning that i'm about to take a character and squeeze them in my fist until they break

[moonbeam-writing]

hey shawty could you write a karma x reader (she/her) angst to comfort where the reader has a crush on karma and she gets insecure cuz she sees him talking to okuda a lot and karma sees the reader talking to nagisa a lot and gets insecure but they make up in the end ty <3!!!

— Insecurities

๑ Requested by a lovely Anon! ♡

๑ Characters: Karma Akabane (Assassination Classroom)

๑ Quick Note: I'm so sorry that this took as long as it did to be posted! And that it can actually read rather platonically! I didn't mean for that to happen, however, I really hope you enjoy it! ♡

๑ Warnings: Slight angst and mentions of insecurity!

๑ Word Count: 1,180!

—

    (Y/N) sighed softly as she looked towards the front of the classroom. As much as she would have preferred to be passive about what she was seeing, (Y/N) couldn’t deny how badly it hurt her. 

        Since the first day she laid her eyes on Karma Akabane, and even more when his suspension ended, (Y/N) had found herself head over heels. The two weren't quite thick as thieves, however, they found themselves close enough for others to see them as best friends. That fact alone made seeing Karma and Okuda talking even harder.

    (Y/N) felt terrible about it, too. Okuda was easily one of the sweetest people she had ever met, and on top of that, one of the smartest. Most days, even in (Y/N)'s finest moments, (Y/N) compared herself to the girl Karma was occupying himself with. The envy that she felt flood through her veins on what was becoming a regular basis made her feel sick. 

    Luckily for her, (Y/N) felt a hand on her shoulder, pulling her from her thoughts. 

    "Hey, (Y/N)." The voice and hand belonged to Nagisa who was looking at her with obvious worry in his eyes. "Do you wanna go talk?"

        Shakily, or rather distractedly, (Y/N) nodded, letting Nagisa guide her out into the hall. 

        From where he was talking with Okuda, Karma watched the two go out into the hall, curiosity immediately making an appearance. What could (Y/N) and Nagisa have to talk about? Why did (Y/N) look all bummed out? He just didn't get it. What could those two have to talk about that they couldn't tell him?

    Thinking back on it, (Y/N) and Nagisa have been talking a lot more on their own recently. It had been happening more the last two weeks, yet this seemed different. Karma decided he would dig more into it in a minute. Right now he needed to pick Okuda's brain for his next assassination attempt. 

         Out in the hall, (Y/N) was sitting next to Nagisa on the floor, close to ripping her hair out.

    "I just don't get it!" She exclaimed, letting her head hit the wall behind her. "Like, she's so wonderful in every way, Karma deserves something like that, so why does it hurt so bad?"

    "Because you have feelings for him." Nagisa calmly responds. "(Y/N), this is normal for people in your situation. You can't keep beating yourself up for something like this."

 The girl just frowned and leaned her head against his shoulder. Nagisa was right, and even if it was deep down, (Y/N) knew it. She didn't know if it made her situation easier or harder for herself, though. She still couldn't grasp how to deal with all of the envy she was feeling and she hated it. She just wanted it to stop. 

    The door then suddenly opened, pulled (Y/N) away from her negative thoughts. Looking up, she saw that it was Karma and slight dread started pooling into her stomach. How much did he hear?

         "Mind if I cut in?" Karma acted as he always did; casually and as though their lives weren't insane. Karma himself caused certain amounts of envy in (Y/N) as well. To (Y/N), there was just so much to admire in him. 

        "Not at all," Nagisa replied, feeling the sudden tension. After that, Nagisa left without a word and Karma took his place. 

             The two sat in an odd silence. As comfortable as they were around each other, something was off. Karma knew something was wrong with (Y/N) and (Y/N) couldn't help but feel like she was in trouble. 

             "Are you doing okay, (Y/N)?" Karma's question took her by mild surprise. 

             "Hm? Of course I am." (Y/N) made the feeble attempt of playing dumb, but immediately knew that Karma wasn't that dumb. Never has been, and honestly, she wasn't sure why she tried. 

             (Y/N) had always known him well. Too observant for his own good, in her opinion. And while both things were true, he was also rather attentive to people's feelings. Granted, Karma usually used it for manipulation purposes, it usually came in handy for those who he cared about. (Y/N), whether she knew it or not, was one of those people. 

             "Liar," if the situation were a bit different, Karma likely would have chuckled a bit, however, this was more serious. (Y/N) had seemed a bit down and out for a while now, but the last week or so have been concerning. "You've been off, and I want to know why."

             (Y/N) bit her lip slightly and looked down. Any hope she had had of avoiding this was now entirely down the drain. "I just…" She wasn't sure if it was shame or embarrassment, but finding the right words felt difficult. "Why do you hang around me?"

             Her voice was small and pitiful and if Karma were anyone else, he likely would have physically reacted to it. Instead, however, he continued to somewhat stoically sit there next to her. Though on the outside he looked unfazed, maybe even bored, his mind was spinning. 

             What could she possibly mean by that?

             Karma wasn't entirely sure where this was coming from, if it had been something he did, or something he had said, however, Karma knew he needed to help her.

             "Are you kidding?" He asked, his tone bordered on incredulous and amused, hoping to ease any panic and to lift the mood a little. "You're one of my best friends. There's literally no one I'd rather be around most of the time."

             Karma's response caused multiple reactions in his listener as well as himself. While (Y/N)'s curiosity almost immediately mingled with her current insecurities, Karma just wanted to laugh at himself. Most of the time? Who was he trying to fool? What came out as most of the time was really all the time.

             "Really?" The pause after Karma's response gave (Y/N) a moment to push past her thoughts. She had realized that if Karma didn't care about her, then he definitely wouldn't sit in the hallway with her, let alone have what felt to be a sappy conversation with her. 

             "Really, really." As soon as the words left his lips, (Y/N)'s relief at the reassurance took over and she immediately hugged him. 

             Karma wasn't exactly one for affection, so for the second time in a single school year, he felt his face flood with heat, his skin nearly matching his hair. Despite how foreign it had felt, the fact that (Y/N) was the one hugging him made everything seem normal. Not even normal, but correct, like there was no one else he'd want holding him. 

             This moment solidified any feelings the others had towards each other. Karma felt comfortable and (Y/N)'s insecurities felt like they were instantly melting. This was a turning point for both of them and more importantly, it was one they were content with. 

[melishade]

Hiya fellow TF enjoyer! I saw that ask game sooooo...

16, 25, 30 , 35 you can choose any of 'em!

Yay! From the 35 questions for fanfic writers

16. I am a sucker for the hurt/comfort trope. Maybe because of my own personal hang ups and traumas, I just like the idea of someone helping another when they are in pain and being by their side. It's not a fix all, but it's the start of just getting better and having support and not being ridiculed for having emotions or feeling pain.

This is starting to get a little too personal. MOVING ON!

25. I mean, this question I'm technically already addressing in my fanfic with the unpublished chapters I have on the shelf, such as the Hizuru chapter. But there are some other items, like what if the Survey Corps ended up in TFP instead. It probably wouldn't be as much fun. The Decepticons would try to kidnap Eren, obviously. Levi has it out for Megatron. Hanji just dies from shock. TFP Kids and 104th just get along swimmingly. Fowler has too much paper work. Although the Scouts would not be as close to Optimus as they are in AOP.

Although I do have this headcanon that Hanji and Shockwave don't get along because she takes one look at Shockwave and says "For a guy who managed to fuck with god and create the most adorable lizard ever (referring to Predaking), not building yourself a new arm and face just seems...illogical."

Shockwave wants to kill her after that comment because he refuses to acknowledge her logic.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff vs merciless angst? I think you fail to understand how well these two can work in tandem. Because the Fluff is the stuff that you want to add and see that isn't shown in the show. Like I write certain fluff moments like the Survey Corps and Optimus dancing and Optimus showing the bioluminescence to them because it's character building. It makes them happy. They have this moment of peace in the chaos of their lives.

This makes the merciless angst all the more heartbreaking because as you reflect on the moments of peace and happiness, the angst solidifies the fact that those moments will never be the same. You can never get them back. They are gone.

35. What can I ramble about without spoiling too much?... *Snaps fingers* Got it.

Megatron's characterization in AOP is...challenging. Back in 2013 when I first started the story, I wanted to add Megatron for a while but I just wasn't sure how it was going to work or even if it would be popular. The poll that I did on fanfiction.net in chapter 4 all those years ago was really to see how popular Megatron was going to be. Although, Grimlock was an unexpected lead at the time. I think he was first.

But I wanted to take the challenge, not just because Megatron dipping in the series finale left a lot to be desired, but also because I'm sick of the way redemptions arcs are going. I can go on for days about the writing in regards to Catra, Hordak, whatever was going on in MLP.

*Glares at Steven Universe* the Diamonds.

Redemption requires people actively growing and becoming better people. Not continuously defaulting to toxic behavior even after they've been completely accepted into the fold. It's not about getting a slap on the wrist for war crimes that violate the fucking Geneva Convention and beyond. It's about recognizing the consequences of your actions and trying to fix it the best way you can, even though there is a high possibility your victims will never forgive you and they have every right not to. And even if you are pursuing forgiveness, it cannot be just to make yourself feel better, because forgiveness requires the other to let go of their pain and release. Grow to become better, change for the better, no matter how long it takes, because wallowing in your sin and self-pity will only get you so far.

There's only so much that I can do with Megatron considering his heavy war crimes, but I do hope that what I've written with the 16 chapters I have left, is enough for Megatron's character development into a better person. I do use redemption lightly for his scenario because even if he does become a better person, 'redemption' for his crimes is nearly impossible. It can really only be paid for with his life. As to what will be Megatron's fate by the end of the story? You'll find out when I finish writing the last few chapters.

[undyingsunshine]

10 Characters I fell in Love With in 2021

Tagged by the amazing @feveredcharm !!!! Thank you very much for the tag! <3 I go into quite the (loving) rant in some of these, so I've put them all under the cut! And also so I don't accidentally shove a long post into all these fandom tags! ^^;

I also could only think of 8 characters for this! Mostly because the characters I really fixated on this year were my own! xD Or they were ones that I already loved before 2021!

Anyway, here we go!

1 - Li Cu - DMBJ (Tomb Of The Sea) Ho, you all know my love for this little fucker. Pure of heart, dumb of ass, barer of misfortune. Outside of tumblr and DMBJ as a whole, I am most often writing in the perspective of angry, jaded and cautious characters; ones who have been given plenty of reasons not to trust anyone. It's quite the comfy niche that I find is the easiest to default to, so when DMBJ held out its hand and presented Li Cu. Well. How could I say no?? He's one of the few characters I've actually written for in the series because I feel quite familiar with his kind of character - and honestly I wouldn't mind writing more (in fact, I am writing more, just very slowly. ) There's so much nothingness to work with, seeing as he only appears once in the series so far, and that nothingness means I can just write fuck tons of angst with no payoff, y'know, like a dick /j /lh. He's angry, he's hurt and he's just. Confused. He's alone, for the most part, barely any family and barely any friends. And at the end of it all, he still has barely any family or any friends, but the friends are a little closer, and his dad is assumedly less violent. Throughout his life, he's reminded constanly that violence is seemingly the only way to get attention and recognition, a deeprooted issue that I feel is only solidified by his time with the Wangs because that's exactly how their system seems to work. Kill or be killed. And because the aftermath isn't looked into, I get to look into it and wiggle my evil evil hands across the keyboard while I write the most harrowing unresolved angst that I can. Because it's fun, to both write and to watch people peel at their yellow wallpaper in agony and despair. :) 2 - Yang Hao - DMBJ (Tomb of The Sea) MY BOY. MY DEAR BOY. HOW I LOVE HIM. He suffers, and yet no one hears him. He's the underling(?) of Huo Daofu??? Like??? WHAT that could be such an interesting thing to dig into? Especially if you consider a sort of mirror between Wu Xie+Li Cu and Huo Daofu+Yang Hao which, YES I bring this up all the time BECAUSE IT'S SO. INTERESTING???? Yang Hao is aggressive. He finds it easy to bully others to make things go the way he wants. He utilises it so well, and I imagine he only gets better at using it as time goes on, be it for his own gain or for the gain of a team. BUT!!!!! He also has a much softer side. A side of him that feels and loves and cares so soso deeply about the people he's close to! He's emotional, and though he tries to hide it, he's not very good at doing so :P He's also a little bit of a coward until situations become dire, in which he tries his best to be resourceful and quick thinking. 3 - Ethan Winters - Resident Evil IT'S HIM!!! THE DAD!!!! I love him. He's so loving and determined and the way he fights through hell to save Mia and Rose (his wife and daughter) is just a quality of him I admire. Yeah, he's on the quippy side and he's a dumbass, but I like smart-mouthed dumbasses! I absolutely adore this man and I love seing all the incredible art that's in his tag!! (while ignoring all the, in my opinion, unnecessary hate towards him HAHA) Just proves that not even vast horrors can keep a loving parent away from their kid! You do NOT fuck with a parent xD 4 - Aiden Pearce - Watch Dogs Honestly, he just kind of reminds me of my dad a little so I see him and it makes me happy. Though he's not always been the best of people, he loves his family and kind of has a soft side to him that I enjoy! Dude will do anything for ones he loves, he deserves nice things 5 - Sal Fisher - Sally Face I love this funky blue haired dude! He went through a lot but he didn't let any of it stop him! Though Sally Face is extremely disturbing, there's something I find charming in the. Like. The nostalgic feeling??? Like the characters just being a group of friends getting up to stuff, even if there's the sinister side to it all? It's cozy for the first couple chapters. Or, at least as cozy as it can get?? Sal, by nature, is calm, caring and understanding. He has a deep sense of justice and

will seemingly sacrifice anything in order to stop those injustices from happening. He gives others a chance, and he's very accepting, even to those who've wronged him (to an extent). He's a sweetheart, and I love him! 6 - Simon - Cry of Fear I just love this guy. He's definitely not the best and he has some problems he needs to work on, which he does in the good ending! He gets the help he needs and I think that's very awesome. He accepts himself, and finds the peace he desperately needed, even if it was by more tragic means. And the fact he starts respecting Sophie as her own person and accepts her having a new friend? We love character growth! 7 - Sasha Nein and Milla Vodello - Psychonauts Though I have known about Psychonauts for a few years now, I only got to play it in 2021! And it's a really cool game, honestly. I got to fall more deeply in love for a lot of the characters, Sasha and Milla in particular! I love them both and wanted to gush about both of them so they tied xD He's funny, and overall is kind of a dick, but I do love him for it. He cares for control, precision and yeah maybe he should be a teeny more considerate for those he puts through his experiments, but he's not a bad guy at all! After all, he's still protective of the kids and he offers to help Raz with his psychic abilities, as well as the strange mess that is his mind, letting him earn his badges despite Milla saying otherwise! Milla is. just. Ohhh, I LOVE HER. I love her so much. She's so sweet and caring, and despite her traumatising experience with the orphanage that took away the children she loved, she still continues to work with them and cares deeply about them and their safety. Her mind being a wholeass party also adds to her charm - she's a lady who loves to have fun! Honestly, she might be my favourite character in the game lowkey?? Anytime she's onscreen she's almost guaranteed to make me smile. Skilled, graceful, loving and so undeniably kickass! XD 8 - Josh Sauchak - Watch Dogs One of my favourite characters from Watch Dogs 2! Though, I do have to admit, MOST of Watch Dogs 2's characters are my faves XD He's always wanting to help others, and fights against injustice, which, by now, you can tell is a character trait I love xD And aside from that, he's also super sweet and super skilled, I wish we got to see more of him! If there's another Watch Dogs game, I'd absolutely love to see him come back!

Okay, that's all I can really think of? There might be other characters, but I couldn't really write a whole lot about them! So this'll do for now, I want this thing outta my drafts!

For this I'll be tagging @tbx12 @jockvillagersonly and @traineecryptid !! Of course, no pressure to do it! And sorry if any of you have already been tagged/already done it ((which if you have, send it to me so I can see 👀)) All the love!!! <3

[your-eternal-muse]

I Watch Your Eyes

Heather Series Part Three

Part One  Part Two

Summery: Reader isn’t one for parties. What happens at one solidifies that for her.

Words: 1.7k (they’re getting longer folks, just you wait)

Warnings: Drinking, mentions of vomiting, description of breakdown, swearing, ANGST

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader, Platonic!JJ x Platonic!Reader

A/N: Y’all......it hurt to write this. I broke my own damn heart, which hopefully means it’s good. Also, Heather needs a last name and I just can’t bring it in me to think of one. Suggestions? Anyway, Tag List is open! Enjoy this painful chapter!

I’ve never been one for parties.

Small get-togethers at Rossi’s with the team, that’s different.

That’s family.

But wearing a cocktail dress and being around people I didn’t even know worked in the department? Sucks ass.

So, why am I here again?

Oh yeah.

I have to be here. Hotch’s orders.

I have to smile and exchange pleasantries and sip more champagne than I’d like to admit to.

But mostly, because Spencer asked me to be,

“Please? I just really want you there. I’m planning something, and I’d really like my best friend there.”

I have no backbone.

 I caved as soon as he said please.

I don’t know what he’s planning. I don’t even know what he's thinking half the time.

I used to know him like the back of my hand.

No, I don’t think I even know myself.

But here I stand, around a table, sipping on champagne, not really listening to the conversation the girls are having around me, wishing I was anywhere else but in this banquet hall, watching him twirl her around in her pretty pink dress.

“Y/nnnn…” A sing-song voice hits my ears and a hand waves in front of my face.

I blink, coming back to the present. “Yeah? What were we talking about?”

JJ laughs. “Where are you tonight? You’ve been staring off into space for the past 15 minutes.”

I scoff, shifting my weight on my feet. 

Stupid, fucking heels.

“No, I haven’t. I’ve just been….admiring Heather's dress.”

All their eyes turn to look, and they hum in agreement.

A beautiful rose gown adorns her body, flaring at the waist, flowing around her as she spins.

I’m sure Spencer is the one who bought it for her.

She was the center of attention tonight, though I’m sure she’s used to it at this point in her life.

“She’s gorgeous.” Emily says, swaying her head slightly to the music.

I’m sure she’s fully aware of that, Emily.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy.” Penelope smiles, gazing happily at them. 

JJ glances at me, a soft look in her eyes.

I can’t help but agree.

He’s glowing.

His eyes are brighter than I’ve ever seen them.

I don’t think he’s stopped smiling since he met her.

You’d never make him that happy.

I down the rest of my champagne.

“Well, watching them dance makes me want to, so I’m off to search for my knight in shining armour. I’ll see you all later, my loves.” Penelope blows a kiss, before she leaves in search of Derek, and I watch as the song ends, and they exchange a kiss before Heather walks back over to her table, and he makes his way towards us.

“I didn’t take you as someone who danced, Spence.” Emily questions, taking a drink from her own glass.

He laughs, adjusting his tie and running a hand through his hair. “She convinced me.” He wipes his palms on his pants.

“You okay there Spencer? You seem nervous.” JJ speaks with a chuckle in her voice. 

If only I could be so light hearted.

“I will be.” He turns, smiling at me. “Thanks for coming tonight. It means a lot to me that you’re here.”

I reach up and straighten his tie, smoothing down his jacket, smiling up at him genuinely for the first time in what feels like years.

Huh.

I guess it has been a little over a year since I met Heather.

“Anything for you Spence.”

“I missed that smile.”

You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?

I can’t help the blush that spreads across my cheeks. I don’t know how to respond to that, so I simply don’t say anything. 

He doesn’t seem to notice.

He takes a deep breath. “Wish me luck.”

I roll my eyes, and chuckle. “Good luck with whatever it is you’re planning.”

“It’s a surprise. For everyone.”

I see him swallow and take a final deep breath before he walks away, back towards his table where Heather stands, charming the people around her.

The wheels begin to turn in my head.

“What do you think he’s on about?” Emily asks, laughter lacing her words.

I watch as he stands next to her, grabbing her hands to hold them within his own.

“Who knows what goes on inside his head nowadays.” 

I can feel JJ staring at me, but I can’t take my eyes off the scene playing out in front of me.

They exchange a few words, and then he’s on his knee,holding out something for her.

Her hands cover her mouth.

No...

“Oh my god.” 

Emily and JJ follow my line of sight and I can hear happy gasps as Heather exclaims “Yes! Yes I will marry you!” for the world to hear.

The hall erupts into cheers and applause and I. Can’t. Breath.

“Y/n? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.” JJ’s voice is soft, and motherly.

I wish someone would scream at me.

“I’m fine. Just too much champagne. I’ll be right back, promise.”

The words don’t even register before I’m walking away from the happy moment.

Their happy moment.

I barely make it out of the hall before I burst into tears, a hand clasps over my mouth to keep the sobs and bile back.

I run down the hallway, slamming into the bathroom, rushing into a stall where I promptly empty my stomach of tonight.

This is it. There’s no chance anymore You missed it. And now you have to live with the fact that he will never love you like her loves her. It’s your fault you feel this way, and no one else's. Your fault.

I reach up and flush, falling to sit on the floor and lean against the wall of the stall.

I hold my arm over my mouth, trying to swallow down the sobs that threaten to echo throughout the building.

The door opens, and heels click to stand in front of my stall.

“Y/N?”

It’s JJ.

Her voice is laced with concern.

I try to take a deep, quiet breath, but it comes out shuddery.

Fake it ‘till you make it, right?

“I’ll be right out, JJ, just needed a minute. Go join the celebration.” My voice cracks at the end and I want to hit myself.

She’s quiet for a moment.

“I know, y/n. Please open the door.”

God fucking damnit.

I sniffle, reaching up to slide the latch over, before pushing it open.

She sits down next to me, and without asking, pulls me into her arms.

I let go.

I curl myself into her, and sob.

Sob for the what if’s and could have beens, for the future I saw between us, for the chances I should have taken but didn’t, for the fact that Spencer Reid deserves someone so much better for a best friend.

She rubs my back and holds me close until the sobs have subsided.

“How did you know?” My words are wet.

“It’s the way you look at him. Like he’s your entire world. Like you would do anything for him.” She brushes some hair out of my eyes, and swipes away some of the tears that are still falling down my face.

“It’s the way he used to look at me.” 

Her smile is sad, and her eyes are distant.

“Does anyone else know?” That’s the last thing I need. For everyone to figure out my secret, to look at me like I’m a child who’s upset they can’t get what they wanted.

She shakes her head.

“No, not that I know of.”

Good to know my acting skills are solid.

I nod, standing up and walking over to the sink.

My eyes are red and puffy. Streaks are run through my foundation, and mascara coats my cheeks.

There’s no salvaging this.

JJ sets her purse down on the counter, digging through it until she pulls out a small pack of makeup wipes.

“I always end up taking off my makeup before I leave these things anyway.”

She hands one to me, and the small smile on my face isn’t forced.

“Thank you.”

She smiles back, and we both turn to the mirror, wiping off the evenings makeup and any signs of breakdown.

My eyes are still puffy, but I can blame that on getting sick.

She hands me a container of mints, and I open it, popping one into my mouth before closing it, and returning it to her.

The air is quiet between us.

“I was planning on telling him. The day I met her, I was going to tell him.”

I bite my lip to hold back more tears.

“I love him, JJ. I love him so much, and he’s never gonna love me the same way. How do I go on, living my life like it never happened?”

I’m cold. 

My chest feels hollow and heavy at the same time.

“I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.” She grabs my hand, holding it between hers. “But I do know that you’re not alone anymore. You don’t have to bare the weight of it alone anymore.”

I nod, pulling her in for a hug, my arms around her waist, my face in her neck.

A home hug.

“Thank you, Jennifer.”

I feel her breath hitch.

She kisses the side of my head. “You’re welcome, y/n.”

We break, and I wipe away a few straggling tears before standing straight, and shoving a smile on my face.

She walks out first, and I follow, trying to look as okay as you can after having a breakdown on a bathroom floor.

We make our way back to our table, and I see JJ shoot a glance at Emily that tells her not to ask questions.

Spencer and Heather are standing in the middle of the hall, glasses of champagne in hand.

He has an arm wrapped around her waist, and he keeps glancing down at her. 

For a moment, his eyes scan the crowd, and when they land on mine, his smile grows.

He raises his glass, and I raise my empty one.

He laughs.

My hands shake as I set my glass down and he goes back to the conversation around him.

Another glance down at her, a kiss placed on her temple.

I down the rest of JJ’s drink when she’s not looking.

God, I fucking hate parties.

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[raziroo]

Chapter Four | I Take A Liking To Lilac All Of A Sudden

Pairing: Lotor x Reader (There you go)

Genre: Angst? I don't knowww

Warnings: Mentions of cancer, mild swearing

Word Count: 1,676

Author’s Note: This is kind of a filler? I can't write long shit in one sitting, so. It's important to reader and lotor's relationship, tho.

‘Good luck. Come back alive, all of you, alright?’ I asked, my eyes roving over the three people standing before me – Matt, Pidge, and Shiro. ‘It’s, like, one of the simplest things you could do. You give Lotor, you get Mr. Holt. Simple. Very simple and easily doable. Right?’ My gaze dragged over all of them once more as I picked at my nails nervously. As much as I was aware of the fact that this trade wasn’t simple and easily doable, I knew that I would legitimately have a nervous breakdown if I didn’t spew lies through my teeth.

Shiro smiled at me lightly. ‘Of course. I’ll make sure nothing goes wrong. You guys take care too.’

‘If, however, anything happens,’ Allura chided, ‘the other lions will arrive as soon as possible.’

‘Yeah,’ Pidge said with a wry smirk, ‘so try not to pass out.’

‘Okay,’ I nodded my head rapidly, ‘yeah, okay, I – I can do that.’

‘Good. Well, we’ll get going then,’ Shiro announced, and turned around, the others following him.

Hopefully, all would go well.

. . . . .

You know what? Everything actually went relatively well. Yes, my hunch turned out to be correct and Zarkon chose to go through with the ‘I was lying all along! Bwahahaha!’ route and ended up getting himself killed at the hands of his son, but overall, I’d say it was a win-win, seeing that we got Pidge’s father back (thank God, who knows what havoc she’d wreak if we ended up not getting Sam back) and the evil maniacal tyrant who’d been ruling over the universe for ten thousand years died.

The one downside was that now there needed to be a new Emperor, because following Zarkon’s death, not only the Galra empire, but simultaneously the entire universe had gone into a state of chaos too. There was no doubt that underlings and generals would try to take over smaller parts of the empire, and once that happened, Voltron being able to do anything would be a stretch.

And, according to Lotor, a ceremony to crown the new emperor, the Kral Zera, would now be taking place. Once he said that, he really didn’t need to say more – it was obvious what his implications were. A new emperor was to be crowned, and if Voltron was to achieve peace, Lotor would have to go and secure the throne. It was a sensible thought to be had, no problem. The thing was, to reach the Kral Zera, which was taking place in two days, in itself was a decision to be taken with utmost thought. The Paladins just didn’t have enough time to decide.

On the one hand, Shiro and Lotor were adamant that the latter be crowned emperor; the other Paladins, however, were justifiably hesitant. I had been standing there listening to them going back and forth, not saying a word myself, like always.

To be honest, I just wanted to go sleep. For some reason, I’d been feeling overly anxious these past few days. White was still not responding to me, I was having regular dreams about the day I woke up here. It was always that one day, that first conversation I had with Shiro. It was as if my subconsciousness too wanted me to reach out to Shiro because there was clearly something weird going on with him.

My suspicions only solidified when I heard Shiro’s voice boom through the room. My head snapped up. Lance with a look of shock and the slightest bit of fear on his face, Shiro’s visage twisted with uncharacteristic anger.

‘Shiro. I think you should just relax a little.’ The man turned to me, brows pinched.

‘I am relaxed -’

‘No, I really think you aren’t… so, like… take it easy, yeah?’ I asked, jumping my eyebrows, arms still folded in front of me, maintaining a calm yet defensive posture. I could feel the entire room’s gazes on me. After all, I almost never spoke in such discussions, or any discussions, really, and indirectly opposing Shiro, of all people, was way too brave a thing for me to do.

Shiro looked at me with slight disbelief, a glint in his eye challenging me to speak up. ‘You want me to take it easy? Take it easy? The fate of the universe depends on this, taking it easy is really not an option right now. I’ve put my foot down – as the Leader of Voltron, I’ve taken this decision. You aren’t someone befitted to oppose me.’

Ok, wow. Everyone shared the same opinion apparently, as now the silence seemed piercing. Clicking my tongue, I tilted my head. ‘Well, maybe not as a Paladin, which I’m not, or a member of the coalition. But as a friend, Shiro, you’ve been acting strange. Everyone realises this. You realise this. … Maybe, I don’t know… maybe all this reflecting on you’ve been doing, maybe the role of leader is taking a toll on you? I, heh,’ I chuckle, ‘I really am not sure. But you’re not relaxed, and you’re not acting yourself.’

‘Could you please not tell me how to be a Paladin?’

‘While you all waste time squabbling, sinister forces are conspiring to fill the Galra power void. If I don’t return to claim the throne, there’s no telling who will.’

Does being royalty instantly make you a hundred times more dramatic? Sinister forces? Deadass?

I walked out.

. . . . .

Shiro went behind our back.

Yeah.

Acting like a complete bitch, he took Lotor to the Kral Zera, where, for your information, he could’ve been blown up. By Keith.

I wanted to deck Shiro. Instead, I visited White. I had hopes she’d respond to me, since I’d been brave and spoken my mind. I prayed on all the Gods and Deities above that my expectations became reality.

Yeah, they didn’t. She didn’t budge. The whole entire two goddamned hours I sat in front of White, she ignored me. Frustrated, I ended up punching her, resulting in bleeding knuckles. Lotor saw that, by the way. He seemed to always be keeping an eye on White, regardless of me being there or not, which I admit is a little strange, but I wasn’t judging. These aliens seemed to worship the Lions.

Lotor also invited us to the Galra headquarters, and lord oh my lord, was it fancy. Allura had gone off to do research with Lotor (I’d been about to make a joke about what “research” those two were really about to do, if you catch my drift, but then I saw Lance looking at the pair glumly, and thought better of it. I’d lightly punched Lance on the shoulder, and raised my eyebrows so as to say ‘They’re gorgeous aliens who could give Bella Hadid and Harry Styles a run for their money, it can’t be helped.’ He laughed.) I accompanied Hunk, Lance and Pidge in their shenanigans for a while, but ended up wandering around the place.

Space was beautiful. Even through a window, I wanted to just stare at it for as long as I could, enjoying a show more realistic than ever before. It was really similar to all the Marvel movies I’d watched; I felt a weird sense of pride at that realization. I remembered how I’d cried at the end of Infinity War, my friends clinging to me and bawling as well; how loud I’d squealed at an absolutely steamy piece of Kakashi fanart Cory had drawn; how happy I’d been when Sasha, my neighbour and childhood friend, had come out victorious after battling cancer for years.

I hadn’t realized when the tears had started slipping down my cheeks. I wiped at them, but they wouldn’t go. Sniffling and wiping so furiously my skin would get burned when I heard footsteps, I turned to see Lotor approaching me.

‘Hey -’ shit, my voice was so thick. Clearing my throat obnoxiously loud, I greeted him again. ‘Hey, uh… what… how’s yours and Allura’s research going?’

‘The research has been going quite smoothly.’

‘Hmm. Nice.’

Lotor was staring – no, correction - scrutinising me. I could feel it, his intense as hell eyes burning into the side of my face. I wasn’t going to give up, though. I stared at the window with as much concentration as he me.

He was the first to speak up. Ha.

‘You’re not of the Paladins.’

‘Really? I didn’t know, thanks,’ I still wasn’t looking at him.

‘Deepest apologies if I offended you -’

‘You didn’t, it’s okay.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…If you wish to answer, why do you appear… distant, compared to the other Paladins? You say they are your friends, but there’s such scarce interaction… you seem acquaintances at best.’

‘… They are my friends. I like to think so, because, well… because I don’t have anyone to go back home to.’

‘Oh. My apologies, I didn’t mean to pry.’

‘You didn’t pry, chill. It’s not that my family’s dead or anything, it’s just that… no, well, my family is dead, but… like, they’ve been dead for around three hundred or so years…?’ I turned to Lotor, brows furrowed. He looked less confused than me.

‘Sorry, no, that’s – that’s shit explanation, um… you could say… I… I’ve lived past my time. I’m alive when I’m not supposed to be.’

I didn’t explicitly mention, as you can see, that I was a time traveller, because I wasn’t really one with that fact yet. I’d accepted it, yes, but that didn’t mean I was comfortable with it. It was still a foreign truth, something I didn’t take great joy in talking or thinking about.

When I turned to Lotor, I felt like he’d understood what he needed to already.

It was bizarre. A lilac alien was the last person I would expect to understand me so easily, but it was what it was.

[deathvsthemaiden]

ok wait after u sent me that ask i have to know ur top books!!! dw if u don't feel like it but i would love to hear them 🌷

This is so sweet and considerate! Thank you Eva, you gave me 5 so I’ll try to keep it to that # as well 💖🐰 off the top of my head:

🌷 The Stormlight Archive series, especially the second book, Words of Radiance. Stormlight is like 4 books + 2 novellas right now, and is projected to be 10 books and ???novellas eventually. And on top of that each main book is 1000+ pages and while you can read Stormlight on its own, most of the other books by the author, Brandon Sanderson, are part of this larger fictional universe called the cosmere. Each series takes place on a different planet, and if you are invested in the whole cosmere, there’s Easter egg references to other series in other series. So like! While I rec these books often, most people understandably don’t take me up on it wgshshh 🤭 Sanderson’s non-Stormlight books are all MUCH shorter but also much more flawed imo. Like I wouldn’t count him among my favorite authors were it not for Stormlight. anyway I’m a die hard fantasy fan so the length didn’t deter me, and I picked these up because a friend told me the world building in these books was genuinely unique instead of the typical very lazy maps composed of like. Fantasy Russia and its hostile mysterious neighbors Fantasy General East Asia and Fantasy Africa lol. and she was right! The world building is exquisite and refreshing and almost every character is canonically of color. They live in a society with an eye color based caste system and it’s.., so hard to sum up this massive series with four main characters and a ridiculous(ly fun) amount of plot lines, so I’ll cut this short and say 1) the first book, The Way of Kings, is highly expository but the ending is so so worth it, and if you enjoy the ending you’ll find merit in continuing with the series 2) Words of Radiance is my favorite book so far partially because I haven’t read the newest, Rhythm of War, yet, and also because it’s the book with the most scenes that solidified Kaladin Stormblessed (one of the main characters) as one of my favorites of all time. Another one of the best things about this series is how Brandon Sanderson portrays mental health in very natural ways, and it makes Kaladin’s growth so incredibly soothing to follow (I MEAN. He has low points that sometimes hit too close to home, but it makes you root for him harder) he really is just. Truly my definition of a hero, if we wanna get cheesy about it, and I had to pick one solid example. I love him so much this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg as to why 😭!

🌷Jane Eyre. Silly frivolous teenaged girl that I am this book swept me off my feet when I first read it and I condone every problematic aspect of it❤️ (I DONT ofc but like! I love drama and being played like a fiddle by narratives and the book delivered on both fronts! And it couldn’t have without its unsavory plot twist soooo 😙💖) (the hate this book and especially one specific character gets is funny to me just because like. Hate for the former (imo) usually stems from people taking the book too seriously while simultaneously missing the point (JE and du Maurier’s Rebecca (highly influenced by the former) are oft considered loose Bluebeard retellings for a reasonnnn!) and hate for the latter is usually just like. Warranted and then taken over the top like... he’s just a fake funny little man you guys :( and the book would’ve been boring if he wasn’t so twisted and out of touch and passionate ): not to mention I do personally in a mean ish way think it’s funny how for some people this character is one of the worst examples of men they can imagine. Like good for Them! I don’t want them to have lower standards for horribleness in people But also omg 🤭 it just reminds me of how... irony of all ironies, I’m semi frequently told I’m too harsh on real life men and then when I love twisted ones in books (for being funny and entertaining and good solid characters) I like. get the most interesting side eyes (whether figurative or literal) bwjswnhshe anyway I have nothing against Austen, I definitely enjoy her, but from what I’ve read so far, I prefer the Brontës a lot more... I need adventure! Show me horror show me rot etc etc❤️ also I’m. A stupid sucker so the fact that the book was Charlotte Brontë’s attempt to write a plain looking lady protagonist and to make her praiseworthy and virtuous and worthy of spellbinding romance makes me... 💗💓💕

🌷Keturah and Lord Death — Martine Leavitt. I haven’t seen it officially stated anywhere but to me it’s p clear this book is a retelling of/highly inspired by Godfather Death (the Grimm tale) Very simple, predictable but effective plot, and the characters are just. So much fun. From my url you can probably tell I love stories in which women (or anyone but you know. Death and the Maiden is its own trope for a reason) outsmart/face off against death. If they also k*ss, when done right, I think that’s swell as well.

🌷A Thousand Splendid Suns — Khalid Hosseini. By far the heaviest book I will mention in this ask, and I don’t rec it willy nilly for that and a few other reasons. It’s a forever fave to me because I read it at the exact right time in my life, where I was like... noticing a ton of things irl and things at home were tumultuous, and when I saw very similar things unfold in this book while I was being silenced and made to feel crazy by the adults around me, it meant so much to me to see reality as I was experiencing it in real time reflected back at me via this novel. The context of the story is wildly different from my own life and the stakes the characters face are far higher, and it is if I remember right mostly a novel about the horrors of war, which isn’t something I pretend to have any firsthand experience with, but! It was legitimately cathartic to read when I read it, and it especially meant a lot to me at the time that the author was a grown man. Not to mention how my mother is not and never has been a reader, and somehow the one and only book I ever managed to get her to read was this. Hilariously she got mad at me for only (“only”) reading depressing things (there’s... a grain of truth to that but she doesn’t need to know! 🤫) but also... she was hooked I could tell! (I got all tmi explaining this one gag I’m so sorry)

🌷A Slight Trick of the Mind — Mitch Cullin. Retirement-era Holmes! Holmes as an old man! A sad old man who keeps bees!! It’s the novel the movie Mr. Holmes was based off of (haven’t seen it yet) and I was not expecting it to get me all sentimental like it did 🤨😪 but anyway it’s like. A prolonged character study and explores some of the most interesting (to me, anyway) parts of Holmes that are only lightly touched upon in canon, like his occasionally huge follies when navigating his few close relationships and how he copes with them afterwards, his fatigue at the random injustice of the world, how he’s often mistaken both by characters that surround him and people irl as a man without feelings, etc etc. like there’s no Dr. Watson or Mrs. Hudson in this book, and the people he interacts with are almost entirely original characters, but as I listened to the audiobook it barely occurred to me to miss Watson and Hudson (I know! 😦) and the author’s original characters interacted with Holmes so believably that I sometimes forgot they weren’t ever Doyle’s. Def recommend to any flexible Holmes fan that’s not a total stickler for canon (though you don’t actually have to know much about Holmes to read this book and enjoy it! 🐝)

🌷Sleepless — Sarah Vaughn + Leila del Luca. I began with the longest book, so let me end with the shortest. It’s a 2 volume long graphic novel series and that it’s so short is the only long standing, legitimate complaint I have of it! Gorgeous art, really effectively written romance, a dark skinned girl who gets to be the proactive, lively protagonist and stunning, pined after love interest at the same time, a cast of characters that is majority of color, the perfect %-age of drama and angst etc etc. if you can find it via your library or online or smth, you can knock it out in one sitting and leave the experience eternally altered in the funnest way 👁👄👁

Honorable mentions: The Botany of Desire — Michael Pollan, Troubling Love — Elena Ferrante, The Girl from the Garden — Parnaz Foroutan

[stormbornspawn]

Winterfell - Season 8, Episode 1 Review

My thoughts on every (I think every? let me know if I missed any) scene from the Season 8 premiere episode.

Arrival - there was nothing wrong with this scene at all. Everything about it was expected. The northerners being apprehensive is exactly what I anticipated. Give it up for Jon and Dany looking regal AF in this scene. Good lord. Arya watching this whole scene play out was really great as a call back to season 1. Love the proud mama look from Dany as her babies fly overhead and scare the living shit out of everyone below. And did you notice her hair is in the shape of a heart? Tyrion and Varys banter is always welcomed and encouraged.

Winterfell courtyard - frosty is the only word that really feels right here. Dany’s trying to make a good impression and doesn’t get pressed when nobody kneels. Jon bent the knee - they should be on their knees, but no worries. She’s gonna overlook that cuz it’s her boo-thang’s family. All in good time. Bran coming up with the - we have no time for this - and dropping the Viserion bomb was way too rushed. This is the first issue I have with this episode. Dany’s dragons are often referred to as her children, yet hearing that one of them has been enslaved is completely glossed over and cut to next scene. This should have been a much bigger deal. Not just for Dany, but for everyone. Jon should have needed to take her somewhere to console her...you know, somewhere private...

The Great Hall - how many times does JOn have to remind these people that they are going to die without Dany’s help? Do they not believe him? I realize there are only a few people that have actually seen the army of the dead, but come on. I don’t expect anyone to be swearing fealty to Dany at this point, but a modicum of appreciation would be nice. She abandoned her campaign for this war and lost a dragon. Why did nobody bring this up? Lyanna Mormont needs to sit down - she almost called Jon a bastard and I was about to come up out of my chair. Sansa whinging about food - like, you knew they were coming and you are just now concerned about this? Dany holding her composure through that took some serious control. Her little clap back was good - whatever they want - that’s right, because they’re goddam dragons. I did like that Jon and Dany seemed to inch closer and closer to each other throughout the scene and the little look while Tyrion was talking was cute. Tyrion was well-intentioned, but they still won’t listen.

Sansa and Tyrion - I was waiting for this reunion and it did not disappoint. I would have liked to see Tyrion quell some of Sansa’s concerns as it relates to Dany. I was a tad concerned about the side eye that Bran was giving Tyrion at the end. Bran knows some things, so I’m curious what goods he has on Tyrion.

Jon & Arya - LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I was prepared to be underwhelmed here, but her jumping into Jon’s arms was everything I needed. The talk about family and Sansa being the smartest person Arya knows - yeah, didn’t see Arya siding with Sansa over Jon, but I get it. How is that dynamic of supporting family going to play out when it’s public knowledge that Jon is not their brother, but a cousin? I was also a little miffed that nobody brought up Littlefinger and that Dany and Arya were not formally introduced.

Euron/Yara/Cersei/Theon/GC - This whole segment of the show was just okay for me. I didn’t care for the dialogue. I love Pilou as an actor, but some of his lines were just cringe - I’m gonna put a prince in your belly. Like, wtf? I kind of felt a little bad for Cersei (well, not really) that she had to sleep with him and Lena brought the power in the after math of that scene. She’s brilliant and it will be the travesty of the year if she doesn’t finally get her Emmy. Theon finally rescuing Yara and making the decision to go and fight for the Starks - let’s get that ball rolling...even though I really enjoy Yara, I don’t think we will see her until way later in the season. The GC - and no elephants - wtf? Well, whatever...I would have rather had Ghost - and that’s the second big thing wrong with this episode. There was plenty of time.

Bronn - why? Completely unnecessary to have all the tits and ass in this episode. I know it’s classic GOT, but we are all over that element, I think, and it could have easily been him in a brothel and Qyburn comes to see him without all that sexposition. I don’t like the crossbow thing especially with all the talk about Dany getting hit with an arrow or a well-placed bolt.

Davos/Tyrion/Varys - can we give it up for Davos finally speaking the truth - Dany is a just woman and Jon is an honorable man - yes, please. Get married, make babies, and save the realm. Why Varys and Tyrion weren’t all over that - I don’t know. Tyrion wasn’t completely opposed to it, but Varys seemed rather extra cynical just then.

Jon & Dany - a lot to break down in this scene. Dany knows Sansa hates her and is really concerned that if she can’t even get her to respect her than the north is not going to fall in line either - that’s my interpretation of the scene. Jon saying that Sansa didn’t like them when they were growing up either was cute. Now, why in the hell are my baby dragons not eating? They hate the north? Or maybe, just maybe, they can sense that their momma isnt quite welcome there and they are feeling that emotion. I am shook that Jon got to ride the dragon (well, another one ;)) before learning about his Targ history. I saw this scene as Dany really letting him know, babe, I love you and I am willing to let you babysit my kids if needed. That 1000 years comment is coming back around again for sure. That waterfall and smooching scene was not for me - I ship them and know they are in love - that scene was for anyone that didn’t really pay attention in season 7 or read any interviews from anyone ever to just solidify that they are truly in love. Okay - it was for me too - I’m on my 3,487th rewatch. My prediction for why the dragons are acting funny - they know momma is carrying that man’s baby and they are overprotective. @me

Jon & Sansa - Sansa, why? All these two do is argue and it’s starting to piss me off. She says she trusts Jon and has faith in him, but then doesn’t trust Jon and has no faith in his decisions. They needed Dany and her armies and dragons and he got her to come there. This is why he left in the first place. She does have a valid question though - did you bend the knee for the north or because you love her? It’s a legit question, JON!! Answer. It’s both. That is the big theme of this season - love versus duty - and Jon can do both and will need to balance them both.

Arya/Gendry/Hound - the Hound and Arya was hysterical and I love the banter between Arya and Gendry. It’s like they picked up right where they left off. Can’t wait to see where this goes.

Dany/Sam/Jorah - This is tough for me. I am a Dany stan through and through, but I did not agree with her decision to burn the Tarly’s. At least not both of them. I do find it hypocritical when people chastise her for something that men have done for ages and hold her to a different standard though. I didn’t care for what she did, but I understand it. Sam’s reaction was expected and I do feel very sorry for him. I wish Dany had exhibited a little bit of remorse. Even if she wasn’t sorry, knowing he is JOn’s best friend, should have made her say - I’m so sorry. Just something.

The Reveal - I hated everything about this. Sam didn’t tell Jon as a friend. He told him in a fit of rage to try and turn Jon against Dany. I’m not okay with this. Jon wasn’t having it either. Jon executed Janos Slynt for much less. And Sam is the same person who told Jon they needed Roose BOlton’s help after the Red Wedding and told Olly to forget about his family being slaughtered by the Wildings. It’s a bit different when it’s your own family, but double standards much? Jon wasn’t having it, so I’m good with that - he’s still gonna have some words with his queen later. The reveal pissed me off because I think Sam should have come at it from a place of tenderness and instead it was bitterness about Dany and this news is gonna fuck her up. He doesn’t know they are together and he doesn’t really know her. I was pissed AF with the line - you gave up your crown for your people - would she do the same? Okay - when is someone going to bring up the fact that Jon bent the knee AFTER she agreed to fight for the north? And, please - she abandoned her fight for King’s Landing to turn her armies north and help fight. So, yeah, she would. This was the scene I was most disappointed with. John and Kit did a great job, but the writing was atrocious. All I can see is that they are setting this episode up to carry all the angst forward until the Night King is knocking on their door and then - just as Jon said - it won’t matter.

Umber - what the actual fuck? But I’m glad to see Tormund, Beric, and Edd.

Jaime/Bran - he’s waiting for an old friend!! GAAAHHHH!! I can’t wait to see the shit storm that his presence is going to bring in episode 2. That preview got my dragon momma heated.

Overall, I’d give the episode a 7/10. It was definitely not the strongest episode in the series and I blame that on choppy transitions and weird almost campy dialogue. Episode two better bring a little more grounding to the show, because I was not overly impressed with those 54 minutes. There were some great things that happened - dragon date, arrival, reunions, and how much was my girl Dany smiling this episode?? I’ve never seen her smile this much in seven seasons. Guess a good dicking down and falling in love will do that to you. The dialogue and lack of timeline really killed it for me though. As well as the glossing over of what I thought were really important storylines.

Let me know if you want to discuss.

[full-course-identity]

Overview

Queere Theory: a deeper look at Jeremy Heere, by Sebastian Sabra Thomas

Anxious teenager. Main character. Chronic masturbator. All of these may be used to describe Jeremy Heere at quick glance, in and out of both canon and fanon alike. However, I believe no flippant descriptors can adequately describe his hidden potential lying just underneath the surface.

This is part 1 of a multi-part meta essay wherein I make my case for Jeremy Heere’s character. Links are added to text in [brackets]. Per Tumblr’s broken spam filtration however, I will be removed links and content warnings from any versions of these posts in the tag, and censoring any words I think might be flagged (unfortunately). For the complete version of part 1, please see /post/183607694271/overview on my blog, or /works/18187976/chapters/43020944 on AO3.

This is my first meta, as well as my first essay since… shit, high school. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

For closing on a year now, I’ve been consuming from, and occasionally participating in, the Be More Chill fandom. Still rocky on its feet after the initial Boom of Summer 2017, but steadily gaining traction with the Off (and now On) Broadway performances, BMC is coming to terms with it’s own fanon identity as common characterizations grow more locked in by the day.

As the months go by and I fall deeper in love with this series, I’ve been slowly tracking down abandoned or underappreciated content in my usual stomping grounds (excessive angst and unpopular pairings), solidifying my own thoughts and opinions as a creator first and a fan second. In some ways, I’ve come to similar conclusions as the rest of the fandom. In others, I stand alone.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I’d like to try and make a case for what I’ve come to think of Jeremy, or Jeremiah, Heere, both for my own benefit and as an attempt to persuade others to my side for various, admittedly selfish (but c’mon, would I be writing this if it wasn’t?) reasons. I would deeply appreciate it if you’d come along on this metatextual journey with me to places far and wide inside Jeremy’s subconscious. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Pure Imagination played over wet slapping noises and the occasional electrotorture flashback!

Anyway.

This essay will be broken down into 7 Parts (links to be added as they’re completed):

[The Overview (that’s this one!)],

[Characterization],

[Mental Health],

[Interpersonal Relationships],

[His Family],

[The Squip], and

[Final Thoughts and Recommendations]

To start with, Characterization will be loosely split two ways: personality, and appearance. This will overlap with the other parts of course, but you should have a solid understanding of the foundation from which I carve details like ‘neurodivergency’ and ‘familial bonds’ from by the end of it. Jeremy Heere may look like an Enigma along a Fault line, but really, he’s a vulnerable kid who’s gone through some intense trauma--whether in canon, fanon, or my own funky concoction of both.

He’s also insanely pretty. Don’t worry, I’ll be reminding you of that a lot.

Mental Health covers MI Disorders like PTSD (which, yes, I do believe Jeremy has), and Neurodivergent behaviors like his autistic symptoms (I don’t generally consider him autistic, but it’s not a hard sell, and I’ll try to go over it either directly in the post or through a follow-up some other time). It’ll also be going over his traumas, both in canon and my headcanon. Heads up: I am mentally ill and neurodivergent, including professionally diagnosed PTSD, among other fun things. I have strong symptoms and trauma which, yeah, I sometimes see in Jeremy. I will be going over how these personal experiences color my perception.

Interpersonal relationships will discuss his friends and romantic prospects--as well as his se-xuality as a whole. From his identity as queer(e) and bise-xual, to his thoughts on being Achellian, to his kinks and latent polyamory and desired hook up habits. Also, all of his identities here reflect ones similar to mine, but with a few important distinctions.

(Speaking of Queerness, across all of these posts, as I feel it’s necessary, I’ll be making a point to talk about the differences between cis boy Jeremy, trans boy Jeremy, and brief thoughts on how I could see a trans femme narrative as well.)

I’ll be using the Family part as a follow up for, and a further exploration of, the specific trauma he’s sustained from his Mother and her abandonment, and how his dad (bless his heart) is 100% canonically neglectful. I truly believe Jeremy has all the hallmarks of an abused kid.

… The Squip will be an interesting topic. If you’re opposed to Squipemy, feel free to skip it, although I will try to segregate the shipping half from the platonic half.

Finally, for the Wrap Up post, I will be writing down my final conclusions and then going over fan content that inspires me and tweaks my perception in ways large and small. For example, I’m always consuming animatics in some form; one great artist is the famous [Cla Comics], who provides a good base for mannerisms and overt humor, though, by nature, her content is on the lighter end of the spectrum then what I’m usually wallowing in. Other artists, like [PINE TRE3] and [Torpedomyass], have both provided some nice angst, and fit right in line with my general taste in aesthetics. It’s not just those three either of course, and I’ll also be doing the same for fanfic, too.

(… in fact, and I consistently sing this to the Heavens whenever I have the chance, but uh, do yourself a favor and read anything written by [Vanceypants]. Vancey is not only my best friend, they’re my longest running collaborator, my biggest fan, and my other muse. They also far surpass my writing, and Smoke Signals, a Rich Goranski origin story, is a fuhcking masterpiece.)

Okay, gushing about content aside, I do truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my rambling, and I hope to keep you both interested and engaged from start to finish. All I truly want is for the world to understand just how lovely Jeremiah “Furry Enthusiast and Slowly Burning Anxiety Attack” Queere really is.

Thank you!

[seriouslyhooked]

Lost Souls and Reveries (Part 5)

18 part AU written for @cssns​. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. Story available on AO3 Here and FF Here. Banner created by the amazingly talented @shipsxahoy​!!

Killian Jones is a wolf shifter without roots, without plans, and without a pack. He’s a rogue, someone humans should avoid and shifters should be wary of given his lineage. But one night years back set him on a path he didn’t realize he was taking, a path leading to a future he is destined for. That future is tied up in one woman – a human named Emma Nolan. Together Emma and Killian will find not only answers, but a love that’s truly fated. But will love be enough to set them free, or will past demons win out in the end? (Answer: love always wins – I am writing this so despite some tiny pockets of angst it’s basically a fluff-filled insta-love fest). Rated M.

A/N: Hey everybody! Hope this update finds you doing well, and that you’re ready for another installment of ‘Lost Souls and Reveries.” This chapter was very fun to write because there’s a bit of intrigue, some new developments in our shifter universe, and of course, more CS cuteness. I can’t wait to hear what you all think and I’m so looking forward to your thoughts on this. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!

“A real man lives up to his word, even when it damn near kills him.”

Killian had heard those words more times than he could count from his elder brother over the course of his life, so much so that he could practically hear them aloud as he headed for the sheriff’s station.

The confrontation to come was something that Killian wanted no part of. It was bound to be unpleasant, but nevertheless it had to be done. This morning he promised Emma that he would try to smooth things over with Graham, and he would never break a promise to his mate. Even if he hated the idea of making peace with someone who had challenged his claim to her, Killian would try for Emma’s sake. Besides, the show down in the diner had proven to both him and Graham who the stronger shifter was.

Hours later it still amazed Killian that Graham was a shifter at all. There was no way to deny it when seeing him in person, but Killian had picked up no trace of another of his kind in the days since he’d arrived. It worried Killian that he could miss what should have been so obvious, and at first he wondered if his senses had taken some kind of hit. Perhaps the distraction of finding his perfect match had desensitized him to what should be undeniable signs. But he concluded, with the benefit of a few hours spent canvassing Storybrooke, that this was not the case. There was still virtually no scent that would hint at Graham’s existence, and Killian couldn’t comprehend how that was possible. By the time he arrived at the station, Killian was no closer to an answer, but as he walked through the front door his determination to get to the bottom of this had further solidified.

“Good morning,” a petite woman greeted from what appeared to be a deputy’s desk. “You must be Killian Jones.”

The acknowledgment of who he was surprised Killian until he remembered how small towns like Storybrooke operated. Still, this didn’t seem like a deputy greeting the town’s newest arrival. It was almost like this tiny woman had known that he would be here today, but that was crazy. He had made no appointment, and after the incident in the diner he was likely unwelcome and unwanted here, but this woman stood staring impassively at him as if his presence was just another item checked off of a very long list.

“I am, yes.”

“You’re early,” She said, motioning towards the clock on the wall. “He didn’t think you’d be here so soon.”

Killian wanted to ask how Graham could know he would come at all, but at that moment the man himself appeared.

“I think I’ve got it from here, Tink,” Graham said, embodying a much more laid back attitude than he had before. “It probably wouldn’t be a bad time to make the lunch run. We’ve likely outwaited the rush by this point, right?”

“You’ve got it boss,” she said dutifully before offering Killian a polite goodbye and heading out, leaving Killian and Graham alone.

“So… you made good time,” Graham said, pulling Killian’s attention back again. With the departure of the human buffer, Killian expected animosity to surface, but Graham remained as calm as he was before. “I’m assuming you surveyed the whole town. Find anything?”

“Nothing,” Killian said, perplexed by the newfound easiness in the sheriff’s demeanor as they walked back through the precinct and to Graham’s office. “How did you manage that?”

“Let’s just say you’re not the only one who doesn’t want to be found.”

The hair on the back of Killian’s neck stood up at the mention of his past though he did his best to appear unaffected. It was too much to hope that Graham wouldn’t go looking, but where there would be very little to say about him as far as the human government was concerned, Killian undoubtedly had a reputation amongst the packs. All it would take was one call and Graham would get some iteration of his story, if he hadn’t heard it already.

“Appears you have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know more about me than I do about you. Hardly seems fair,” Killian mused.

“There’s not much to know,” Graham said as he motioned for Killian to take a seat before taking his own spot behind the desk. “I don’t exactly come with a pedigree like yours.”

“No, but you’ve inserted yourself into a human town and become the sheriff. You don’t think that’s an interesting choice?”

Killian purposefully infused in his tone how strange it was for a shifter to do something like that. It was one thing to go rogue and live among humans. But to enmesh oneself so deeply in their community and take on the role of protector? Well that was a bizarre choice indeed, one that clearly stemmed from a story worth hearing.

“I didn’t insert myself,” Graham said evenly. “I was raised nearby by humans so they’re what I’ve always known. I tried the whole ‘pack’ thing out for a while when I was younger, but it didn’t stick, so I came home.”

Killian marveled at how forthcoming Graham was being with this information, especially given how anomalous it was. Humans didn’t raise shifters – there were fail safes in place to make sure it didn’t happen. To keep the secret safe orphaned shifters stayed within the clans. They were adopted by a pack and not allowed to live with people who shouldn’t know the truth. Yet Graham spoke of his past like it was nothing, and maybe to him it was. For Killian though, the past was something he wanted to forget and fend off as best he could. It wasn’t something he shared lightly, but now that Graham was aware of who he was, his options were limited. Killian could either take the man out in the hopes of preserving his secret (which was frankly not an option), or he could try and make nice and hope he could eventually trust the man.

“Packs are overrated,” Killian responded.

“That they are,” Graham agreed with a low chuckle. “But it begs the question – why is a rogue wolf who’s forsaken the bonds of pack and family laying claim to a human? Just what are you doing with Emma Nolan?”

“She’s mine,” Killian growled out immediately and the ferocity of his response triggered a defensive stance from Graham for the first time since Killian arrived.

“No, she’s not.”

Killian could feel his wolf pushing to get out at the provocation. His animal wanted a fight. It wanted to rip apart any shifter who would doubt his claim to Emma or question his motives. If Killian let himself give into those baser instincts his wolf would win too. A physical fight would just prove what their showdown had this morning – Killian was stronger and more dominant than Graham was, plain and simple. But a brawl would also make a mess where Killian couldn’t afford to create one. He tried to breathe through his rage instead of caving to it, but it was bloody difficult to do so.

“Look man, you want to stay here, fine. You and I both know I can’t successfully fight you off,” Graham confessed bitterly. “But I’m not letting you come in here just to mess with her. Emma might just be a human but -,”

“She’s not ‘just’ anything. She’s my mate and she’s perfect.”

The look of shock on Graham’s face was unsurprising. He must be thinking the same things Killian considered when he first found Emma. How was it possible? She was a human and Killian was a shifter. True mates that crossed the species simply didn’t happen – but it had – and he had the proof both in his heart and on his person.

“You can’t know that,” Graham replied, convinced it had to be a lie.

“And yet I do.”

“You just got here. The full moon is still weeks away. You need it to -,”

“She marked me,” Killian said, proud of that fact even though he didn’t like that he had to share it with anyone. “My wolf knew from the moment I saw her, but it was confirmed when I got this.”

He pulled down the collar of the shirt to reveal part of the insignia Emma had left as a presence on his skin. Meanwhile Graham shook his head, clearly blown away at all of this. The sheriff hadn’t expected this twist, but Killian hoped that now that he knew the truth, Graham would stop trying to get Killian to leave her alone.

“Well shit… I guess she is yours.”

“As I said,” Killian responded with a huff before returning his shirt to normal.

“I would apologize, but I’m not really all that sorry,” Graham said with a shrug. “I was only trying to protect her.”

“Why?” Killian asked, before clarifying. “Why are you close to her? To her family?”

“Because of David,” Graham stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Emma’s father?” Killian’s brow furrowed as he asked the question. What did Emma’s father have to do with this? He wracked his brain, thinking of the few tidbits he’d learned from Emma about the man, but all he recalled was that he was a vet like Emma.

“You don’t know,” Graham said, his eyes giving away that he himself had just made some kind of mental connection.

“Know what?”

“Why did you come here?” Graham asked, completely ignoring Killian’s question.

“Honestly? Because Emma asked me to.”

“Not the station. I mean Storybrooke. How did you end up here?” Killian didn’t follow Graham’s insistent tone.

“It was random. I just did.”

“Really?”  Graham asked, unconvinced. “You had no other reasons?”

Of course you did, the voice in Killian’s head which he knew to be his wolf said adamantly. She was here. You knew she was here. She was calling you to her. Calling you home.

“Well I didn’t come here on a whim,” Graham said, filling in the silence that his question had prompted. “I came to this town specifically out of all the ones around here because of Doc Nolan. Because he saves people, people like us.”

“He’s a healer?” Killian asked, now completely and utterly flummoxed. “But he’s…”

“Human, yeah.”

If he hadn’t already been sitting Killian would have needed to take a seat. This was so much to wrap his mind around. A human who knew about shifters? That was a threat, one that the council would have a lot to say about if they ever heard. It was part of the reason that Killian was nervous about his relationship with Emma. She was his mate, but there weren’t any laws in the shifter world that said how to handle that. It was a huge grey area, but her father knowing about shifters was cut and dry. He should not know, and if anyone found out that he did, he’d be handled somehow, likely in a way that would hurt Emma because it would take away her father forever.

“Why does he do it?”

“I’ve never asked him,” Graham replied with a shrug. “And I don’t know if he’d tell me if I did. That’s his business, not mine, but there are shifters all around this area who owe their lives to him knowing. David’s not a threat, even if he has to hide what he does for us.”

“And Emma, does she know?” Killian asked. Part of him hoped that she did. If that were the case then he wouldn’t have to worry about the reveal of his true nature. Maybe she’d be open to this. Maybe it wouldn’t freak her out to find out the man who wanted to spend his life with her forever was part wolf.

“No, she doesn’t. I don’t even know if David has told his wife,” Graham said honestly. “If Mary Margaret does know she’s never said anything to me, and that would be impressive, since she’s hardly known for her ability to keep a secret.”

The implications of all he had just learned weighed heavily on Killian. On the one hand, Emma’s father knew about his kind and he had decided to help them however he could. That was admirable, even if some might consider it reckless or crazy to open himself up to the risks associated with what he was doing. But on the other hand this was a secret, a secret about Emma’s family that he now knew and that Emma did not. Killian didn’t know if he could handle keeping something from Emma. Right now things between them were new and undefined, but he had every hope of moving things along with Emma and soon. In a perfect world they’d cement their bond as mates by the first full moon in a few weeks, Emma’s being human or not, but he couldn’t go into that with any kind of secret. What kind of foundation was that to build a life together?

“He has to tell her,” Killian said firmly. “If he doesn’t I will.”

“I figured you might say that,” Graham said with another smirk. “But that’s between you and him. Unless you want me outing you as a wolf to your future father in law.”

Killian grimaced at the thought, assuring Graham that he did not want that. He would figure this out. He just needed a bit of time to endear himself to Emma. Only with the benefit of more time together would Killian learn the best way to move forward, and until he knew how to handle this with the grace and tact it deserved, he’d keep this to himself. Graham agreed to respect that, and Killian decided that despite the fact that he had a dozen more questions, he would only ask one more. He wasn’t sure how much time they’d have before Graham’s deputy returned, and it wasn’t exactly a human-safe line of questioning.

“Why is there no trace of any shifters here?” Killian asked, genuinely curious. “You were right before. I tracked all over the town and there was no trace of anyone, including me. How is that possible?”

“That’s my job,” Tink said, spooking Killian since so few people had the ability to sneak up on him. She tossed a bag from the diner over to Graham, apparently back from her lunch run.

“Tell me you’re a witch or something,” Killian pleaded, truly hoping she had some reason to know of their existence instead of being another human caught up in a dangerous situation.

“Tink is a Lynx shifter,” Graham explained, as if what he was saying wasn’t certifiably insane.

“That’s not possible. There are none left.”

“Ha! That’s what you think,” Tink quipped, her human looking eyes altering at her command to include a distinct shade of amber that Killian had never seen before. When she lifted this barrier Killian could finally scent her, and he was amazed. She was telling the truth. Would wonders ever cease? “Just because we don’t mark our territory constantly like wolves do, doesn’t mean we’re gone. Some of us like a little more discretion.”

“Lynxes can camouflage their scent naturally. Tink just broadens the scope – keeping Storybrooke and the trails coming in and out invisible to others.”

“Well that’s… brilliant,” Killian admitted. “Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome,” Tink replied, clearly proud of herself. “But do me a favor and try to stop wandering, okay? You’ve had me working overtime with all the running and the pacing you’re doing. I know it’s over Emma but if you could just keep yourself in one area it would really help a lot.”

“Uh right,” Killian said, startled that she knew so much and a little sheepish at having been tracked this week. “I’ll keep that in mind. Any other shifters or surprises I should know about?”

“Nope. That about covers it,” Tink said with a smirk before she raised a brow at Graham and nodded towards the door.

“Well all right then,” Graham said, standing from his chair. “If there’s nothing else, I think Tink and I should eat this and go make our evening rounds. There’s a storm coming tonight. Want to beat the bad weather if we can.”

Killian took the hint, rising from his seat and saying goodbye to both of them before heading out of the station. He was still shocked by all that he’d learned in there, and his mind tried to make sense of the new discoveries he was faced with as he made his way home. But while he was walking, he came to understand exactly what Graham and Tink were on about before. The winds had shifted and the atmosphere had changed in the time since he’d gone to hash things out. A storm would come, probably not until later tonight, but instinct told Killian it would sweep in quickly and stay a long while. Summer storms were famous for that, and Killian couldn’t help but think of the worst summer storm he’d ever seen many years ago…

It was fitting that the world outside was still but charged. The air around them was hot and heavy, weighing on the forest in an almost impressive way, but it wouldn’t last. Miles off there was a feint sound of rumbling and the winds up high whistled a little more strongly through the trees. The normally brilliant summer twilight was dull and gray, and the white clouds above grew darker to the west as they headed this way. In another hour this relative state of natural peace would be long forgotten. The storm would be in full force, and that was when they would strike.

“It’s not too late you two,” Granny pleaded from the corner. “You don’t have to do this yet. There’s still time.”

“To what, run?” Killian asked, the words dripping venom as they spilled from his lips. “No we’re done running, and the only way this stops – the only way the world can be free of Brennan is if he’s dead.”

In every second that had passed since his mother was killed, Killian had harnessed just a little more pain and hurt and hate. It had been almost two years now since his mother had been killed, and the rage he felt towards his father flamed brighter than the sun at the peak of summer. The darkness inside of Killian had grown a little bit day by day, feeding him strength and stamina. This might be about justice, about righting a wrong that was too cruel to even contemplate, but Killian had not taken any kind of high roads to get here. He had channeled every ounce of his ability and feeling and natural alpha-genes and honed himself into a weapon. His body had shifted from boy into man through rigorous training and never letting up. He had managed to fully control his wolf, and learned to communicate with his animal side in a way that should have taken decades to perfect. But his only goal in achieving all of this was to rid this world of the monster that was his father.

“Ruby, dear, try to talk some sense into them,” Granny said, calling on Killian’s cousin who had been zoned out since Killian and Liam arrived here last night. But when Granny grabbed her hand, it seemed to pull Ruby back, and she looked at Killian with clear eyes as she made a surprising statement.

“I can’t. They need to do this. So many lives hang in the balance. Brennan is only getting worse, Granny, and soon it will be too late. The sickness is spreading.”

“Sickness?” Liam asked, and though Killian was interested as well, it wouldn’t matter what Ruby said. He was here to kill Brennan and that would not change.

“Alpha sickness. It’s rare, but sometimes when an alpha forsakes the good of the pack for the wants of his animal it happens. Your father has had it for years, but at some point there will be no human side left. Brennan will be a wolf – and a rabid one at that. When that happens…”

They all knew what would happen if his father reached peak strength and derangement. There were already no lines that Brennan wouldn’t cross, but at least the man had strategy. A wolf would be guided by instinct and instinct alone, and with a heart so black it no longer knew what goodness felt like, Brennan would be a force so dark it couldn’t be survived.

“So our window is closing,” Killian said, his muscles flexing in preparation for the fight ahead. He was ready for this, not caring that the chances of survival weren’t great. Honestly it didn’t matter to him. If he died then so be it. As long as he rid the world of Brennan once and for all, it would be worth it.

“Yes,” Ruby whispered, her sad and resigned look telling Killian she probably knew exactly how he felt. A part of him felt a pang of guilt for worrying her and Granny like this. But he couldn’t prioritize that over revenge. He just couldn’t.

“Any other things you’ve seen that could be helpful?” Liam asked, but Killian knew it was a losing battle. Gifted as Ruby might be, she was also cursed, at least that was what Killian’s mother used to say. Knowing the future was a burden that must largely be handled alone. It was the only way to keep things as they should be. Telling them too much could actually hurt the future, and Ruby knew that.

“Don’t let him bite you,” Ruby said firmly. “The sickness is contagious.”

“When did it start?” Liam asked, his curiosity and hope shining through in the question even though he tried to hide it. “The sickness. Was he bitten before we left?”

This was a moment of truth for Liam, even if it didn’t matter to Killian. There was no way that he could ever forgive his father. Whatever this alpha sickness was, whatever craziness Brennan had been infused with it didn’t matter. A real man would have fought it off, or would have taken care of the problem. No one could truly love his wife or his family and hurt them as Brennan had. There was no excuse – nothing that would make it right. So when Ruby gave the final blow, Killian didn’t feel any kind of pain.

“No. He wasn’t.”

Silence descended upon their cabin as the four of them soaked in that knowledge. It was the ugly truth, but in some ways Killian was glad for it. Now he had more to hold onto, more hatred to stow away, and he would need all of it to do this tonight. Absentmindedly his hand reached for the pendant around his neck, and he felt the cool, comforting metal he’d been wearing since they fled from England. The compass was his mother’s the only thing of hers Killian had kept after everything, and right now he needed it with him. Though she herself was peaceful and good, Killian knew his mother’s spirit would be with him tonight. He only hoped he could avenge her, and that maybe when it was all over he would be able to claw himself out of this darkness he’d created…

The ding of his phone that sounded when a message arrived sucked Killian from the depths of his memory. He was a little more used to the thing now, having given his number to Emma a few mornings ago, and he prayed that it was her reaching out. When he saw that it was he smiled, and when he read her message his smile bloomed into a full-blown grin.

E: Hope you’re brushing up on useless information for tonight. The Rabbit Hole is on the corner of Hickory and Main, FYI.

Killian couldn’t explain how he knew, but he was certain that this text wasn’t actually about telling him where the bar was. This town was so small; it would have been impossible for him to miss it after a week here. No, this was Emma reaching out and confirming that they’d see each other. It was a sign that she was missing him and wanting to be reunited, though probably not as much as him. He sent her back a message of his own, promising to do his best to bring her honor and to see her soon. Once his phone was put away he hurried up, walking as quickly as he could back home so he could get on with this evening at last.

Unfortunately, getting ready ended up being a little more complicated than he expected. It was easy getting home, of course. Killian would actually be surprised if any one could get lost in so small a town, shifter or not, but when he got down to readying himself to see Emma again, the challenge presented itself. Having very little experience in any kind of ‘trivia night’ Killian wasn’t exactly sure what one wore to such an evening. He assumed it was casual, right? They were going to a bar and playing a game, so that would stand to reason, but since he was getting to see Emma, Killian still had this urge to look his best. He wanted his mate to desire him, because he was desperate for more moments when her eyes grew darker and her scent shifted ever so slightly to one of want and need. More than that, Killian also wanted Emma to be proud of him. Despite his wish to be alone with her, the reality was tonight would be filled with other people too including her friends. It was imperative that he make a good impression, and there was only one chance to make a first.

In the end, after showering and trying to set himself to rights, Killian went with what he knew best. Dark colors had always suited him and he didn’t have anything else in his wardrobe to even consider. He tried to strike a balance between casual yet upstanding, and then he grabbed his leather jacket despite the heat and the impending rain for one reason, and one reason alone – because Emma liked it.

He had learned that particular fact early on, seeing the way she took him at their first few meetings, but yesterday as he was walking through town, hoping to run into Emma during her lunch break, he’d overheard some women in the town gossiping. At first he was angry that anyone would speak of Emma behind her back, but as he got closer to them (still standing far enough away that no human could have heard from such a distance) he noted that everything they said was complimentary. No one had a bad word to say about his mate; they simply commented on how taken she was both by Killian and by his choice in outerwear.

“I cornered her after their breakfast at the diner today, trying to figure out how far things have gone between them. You should have seen how flustered she got. She was blushing like crazy and mumbling. All I caught was blue eyes and black leather.”

Killian chuckled to himself during the brisk walk to the bar, not because he found Emma’s reaction to him funny, but because he knew it was unusual for Emma just as it was unusual for him. Never in his life had Killian succumbed to such feelings. He’d never been this distracted or in need of more time with anyone before. The only person he’d ever lay awake and dreamed of was her, but since coming here those dreams he once had had changed. Now, instead of innocently wondering where Emma was and wishing she were safe, his thoughts had progressed further. He still wanted her to be taken care of, but he now felt it was his duty to see her protected. He wanted to be close to her, yearned to touch her, to explore the sweet seductive pull between them, and so he spent the hours when they were apart imagining how it would be when they finally came together.

When he arrived at the Rabbit Hole, Killian was nowhere near under control. On the contrary, his constant thinking of Emma and waiting for the moment he’d get to see her again had him feeling frayed and unmoored. He lacked direction. He didn’t know how tonight would be or how he should be as a result. Would Emma want him to be friendly, or would she welcome more from him? He hoped that he could show her his intentions, but he didn’t know how, and as he stepped inside the well-used town tavern he debated the merits of a number of different options.

Yet at the moment that Killian found Emma under the lights at the bar, he stopped dead in his tracks. Instantly all debate flew from his mind, and it was replaced by admiration and enthrallment all centered on one Emma Nolan. He was rooted to his spot, looking at her and taking her all in, and what he saw was nothing short of a miracle.

It defied reason how any one person could be so beautiful, but here she was, a marvel and a treasure that a man could look the world over and never see again. Killian’s eyes moved down from her beautiful face along the curves of her body, finding her outfit of choice for this evening even more transfixing than her usual fare. Jean shorts and a short top that didn’t quite cover all the way down shouldn’t look this good, but on Emma it was sublime. She looked young and carefree, laughing at something one of her friends said beside her at the table, but he could feel the charge around her. Her anticipation hung thick in the air, but there were other scents too, scents he did not like at all.

Killian tore his eyes from Emma and looked around for the encroachers. There were other men here, men who were far from Emma but who watched her and her friends with interest. It stoked the protectiveness in Killian and an instant feeling of aggravation. He did not appreciate others looking at his Emma, no matter how impossible it was to ignore her. But those primal thoughts couldn’t overcome him. At some level Killian knew that Emma was her own keeper and guardian. She could handle herself – she’d been doing it for years – but he wished that he could fill that role for her. He wanted the world to know that the two of them were tied together, and as if she could feel his presence from the intensity of his yearning from her, she turned at that moment and found him in the crown.

When she spotted him her reaction was immediate and overwhelming. The wave of her happiness that she emitted hit him right in the chest, and Killian could do nothing to resist her. He made his way through the place, ignoring every other person until he was at her side, where he felt he most belonged. They were close, only a matter of inches apart, but he had to touch her, even if he couldn’t great her exactly as he might want. His hand came to hold hers lightly, his thumb tracing a soft trail over her hand as he grounded himself in the fact that they were here together.

“You made it,” Emma murmured, her voice silky and smooth and utterly irresistible.

“Trust me, love, nothing could have kept me away.” His eyes traced the flush that came to her cheeks at his words, and only when a throat cleared from beside Emma did he regain himself. He looked away from Emma, seeing her two friends, Anna and Elsa, in the booth and he offered them a smile. “I hope you don’t mind me crashing your game tonight.”

“Mind?” Anna asked incredulously. “Honey we are thrilled. We have all sorts of questions about -,” 

Anna let out a yelp mid statement and jumped slightly, and Killian knew that under the table one of them had swatted or kicked her to keep her quiet. He couldn’t tell based on faces if it were Emma or Elsa, for Emma looked mortified but Elsa looked irritated, like a mother who’s child had gotten somewhat out of line. 

“Uh, you know trivia questions. Not like digging into your background interrogation questions.”

Anna’s attempted cover prompted a groan to come from her sister and Emma ducked her head down for a moment, her hand coming over her eyes as she shook her head. Meanwhile Killian had to laugh at this and try to alleviate the tension.

“Well whatever questions pop up, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

This seemed to appease all parties, and just as he took his seat the festivities began. It became apparent rather quickly that this was a town-wide enjoyment and a usual occurrence for many in attendance, including Emma and her friends. There was a lingo here and inside jokes that Killian was not versed in whatsoever, but he found his ignorance only added to his overall experience. As the night progressed Emma made sure at every turn to keep him in the loop and include him, and soon enough he found he wasn’t just enjoying her company, but that of everyone else as well.

“I think you might actually be the perfect addition to our team,” Anna said after Killian had correctly guessed an answer for a question about this year’s World Cup. “I know pop culture, Elsa knows all things history, and Emma’s our science and animal guru, and you can handle the guy stuff.”

“Anna, girls can like soccer too,” Elsa reminded her. “But real talk, how much do you know about the history of alcohol? Leroy always asks a question about it without fail and -,”

“All right, all right quiet down. I can’t ask my questions if you’re all talking,” their host grumpily announced – lambasting their team as well as all the others who were chatting on their own. He was a small man, but Leroy certainly packed a lot of aggression into one small form. “In 1887 a bartender by the name of Jerry Thomas served the first martini ever. What city did the hotel he worked in reside in?”

Emma and her friend’s all looked to him expectantly and Killian was elated that he actually knew the answer. There was no real reason why he would, except for the fact that he’d actually spent time in the city a few years back.

“San Francisco.”

“You seem awfully confident about that answer,” Emma teased, and Killian didn’t miss the way her leg subtly grazed his under the table. It was a gentle touch, but it was enough to have his already present flame of wanting burn brighter.

“That’s because I am.”

“You’re bluffing,” Anna quipped, even as she wrote it down and covered the answer with her hand so none of the other parties (some of whom like to cheat a bit) would see.

“Am I?” Killian asked and it was Elsa who spoke up.

“Nope – he knows it. He won’t know the next three questions, though I think he’ll pull through for us in the last round.”

Killian looked to Emma for explanation as Leroy announced that he was in fact right and Emma explained about Elsa and her way of knowing things. It sounded to Killian like she might actually have some kind of gift, though he didn’t know the extent of her talents. Regardless he was soon distracted as the game continued on and his subtle flirtation with Emma unfurled as well. In the end Elsa was right. Killian did not know very many more answers, but the final question was one that stumped Emma and her friends, and he, blessedly knew what it was.

“The state bird of Virginia is a Cardinal.”

“Write it down, write it down,” Elsa urged Anna and a few minutes later, after they’d submitted their answer sheet for the final round, they found out he was right and that the four of them had won the game.

The women of his table immediately broke out into laughter and shows of excitement. Anna and Elsa were beside themselves, their game-long competitiveness paying off in spades, but it was Emma’s reaction that blew Killian away. Her excitement at having won was palpable, and Killian swore he’d never felt a similar high before. To see Emma happy was a remarkable gift and he felt the same sense of elation coursing in his own veins though the stakes were so small. This was one game of trivia, but Emma made it seem like the greatest accomplishment. She celebrated with her friends, and then, in a twist he never saw coming, she pulled him close for a kiss right there in front of everyone.

It was pure bliss when their lips came together, but where Killian desired the chance to pursue this further, Emma pulled away all too quickly. It was an instinctual reaction – just a sweet, short show of her affection, but when they came apart she only lingered in that happy thrill with him for a moment. When it dawned on her what she’d just done, the color drained from her face and her excitement immediately deflated, letting worry in in its stead.

“Oh um, I didn’t – well I mean I shouldn’t – I’ll be right back.”

Killian tried to reach for her and keep her close but Emma slipped away with a speed he didn’t see coming. One moment she was there with him and the next she’d gone running, leaving him not only desperate for more but also needing to make this better. He wasn’t sure what exactly was wrong, but he vowed to himself to fix it as he followed her. There were murmurs around them, no doubt discussing the scene that had just happened, but Killian tuned it all out, tracking Emma and finding her out back in small alley way. It struck him as significant that this was where his moment of truth with her would come, especially since they’d been in such a space before but under completely different circumstances.

“Emma, love, are you all right?” he asked, his eyes taking in her stance as his heart went out to her. Her position wasn’t defensive per se, it just looked like she was trying to hold herself together. There was anxiety in her brilliant green eyes, and he moved toward her slowly, not wanting to rush her, but also needing to ease that to the best of his ability.

“Yeah I just – I kind of lost my head in there. I didn’t plan that or anything. I’m so -,”

Oh no she didn’t. Emma thought that right now she was going to apologize to him for that kiss, but he wouldn’t allow it. Instead he closed the space between them, pulling her into his arms. He held her for a moment, taking in the heat that returned to her face and the slip of her mask. It revealed that she was just as desirous as he was, and when he knew that this was what she wanted he fused his lips with hers, tasting her again and letting himself have that more he’d craved when they were in the bar.

It took no time at all for Emma’s hesitations to fade, and Killian reveled in the way she arched into him and her hands clung to him. She met him beat for beat, her passion even more vibrant and amazing than he’d ever imagined. She was exquisite – a dream made flesh – and Killian was in awe of her. He would give anything in the world to take this further. The take these kisses even further. He let his hands roam her body, feeling her gentle curves and her smooth skin, but before he could get too carried away he retreated, breaking the kiss an waiting until Emma opened her eyes, blinking as her vision adjusted in the after math of such an embrace.

“I know you didn’t plan this, Emma. I didn’t plan it either. It’s sudden and unexpected, but I think you should know that my feelings aren’t in any way fleeting.”

“Your feelings?” Emma whispered, her eyes glancing back down at his lips before they returned to his eyes, searching for answers he was more than willing to give.

“I want you, Emma,” he confessed as his fingers traced along her cheek, before he pushed a lock of her wayward hair behind her ear. “There’s something about you that I can’t deny and I wouldn’t even if I could. I know it’s fast, but I also know that this pull between us matters. I know that you matter, more than anything has in so long.”

“I feel the same way,” Emma said with a smile as her hand rested above his chest. She must feel the unnaturally fast beat of his heart, but in the quiet of the alley he could hear hers matched the same rhythm almost identically. “I just didn’t think… I mean you never really made a move so…”

“Been waiting for me, have you?” Killian teased and Emma’s laughter was so bright and so bubbly that it filled him with joy all over again. He was floating right now, despite their surroundings and he never wanted this moment to end. “Well now that I know that, I promise, you won’t have to wait anymore.”

“Good,” Emma said before pulling him for another kiss and filling those last fleeting moments out there under the golden lantern light with all the peace and joy and love deserving of two souls who had been searching for each other forever, only to finally find their way home.

Post-Note: So there we have it. Chapter five came bearing some new beats, developments, and confirmations. I know it was kind of information heavy at the beginning – but I don’t think many other chapters will be that way from here on out. I foresee more action coming down the pike. That being said there were things that needed to happen, like Killian learning about Graham and Tink and David. Also on the CS front we just needed a kiss already, I mean come on. Five chapters is a slow enough burn for me. Anyway next chapter, which will be here in two weeks, is from Emma’s POV again and it will cover the aftermath of this kiss and then ask out for the first date. I hope you’ll stick around on this adventure with me and let me know what you thought about this chapter! I love to hear your feedback, and appreciate all your support!

Tag list (if you would like to be added let me know!): @jennjenn615 @winterbaby89 @kmomof4 @teamhook @coliferoncer @ultraluckycatnd @resident-of-storybrooke @artistic-writer @snowbellewells @snarkycaptainswan4 @allofdafandoms-blog @eastside-divebar

[howsit-going-toend]

What Do YOU Want? Pt. 10

A Kwon Jiyong series ft. Kim Jiwon

Genre: Angst/Fluff *******VERY light smut

Word count: 4,500+

Summary: The most important person in the world to you can appear most often when you least expect it. But through everything, you can’t forget about you and your own happiness. Who are you happy with? Who is the best for you?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 

(A/N: All right we’re not even going to comment on the word count anymore. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this part and hope you all enjoy reading it!)

You were grateful for Bobby’s patience as you sat in silence, unable to reply to him as your anxious mind attempted to process everything that happened in the last ten minutes. Jiyong and you had been in the same room for the first time in well over six months and only one of you knew this; the same one that remained sat in a fetal position on the ground, limbs trembling beneath a wave of uncertainty. The way he spoke about you with Bobby had your head spinning.

You needed answers.

With a deep breath, you closed your eyes and attempted to preserve your sanity amongst the chaos. “Well, I’m ready to hear it if you’re ready to tell it.”

Bobby, who had stayed kneeling before you with his eyes fixed on the ground beside him, lifted his eyes to meet yours. With a sigh, he readjusted his position to sit crisscross-applesauce and gave a half-hearted smirk in your direction. You matched it with one of your own as you continued to mentally prepare yourself for his explanation.

“Just let me explain everything before you say anything, ok?” You nodded your head in response.

“So about a week after we left to continue our tour back in May, I got a phone call from Jiyong. It was really late at night and I was so tired but he asked me…actually wait, let me back up. Sorry, so around six months ago…”

“Six months ago?!” You interjected, already on the edge of your carpeted, nonexistent seat.

“Y/N…”

“Right, sorry, I’ll shut up. Go ahead.”

“Six months ago, I ran into him here and he stopped to talk with me. So, I don’t know if you knew this, but a few fan photos got released of Jinhwan, B.I., Mino, and I at the place where we’d all meet up for drinks. Though the fans never singled you out, you’re in those photos as well. They’re low quality, but anyone who knows you well enough can tell it’s you beside us.”

Your eyebrows knitted together in confusion as you continued to listen. This was all news to you so far.

“Well, Jiyong must have seen those pictures because when he stopped to talk to me that day, like a week after they were released, he told me to look out for you for him. To please make sure you were safe.” Bobby took a pause to observe your reaction to his words but your face felt completely frozen.

“Well, I assured him that I would and then he asked if I’d do him a favor. I said of course, since he is my senior after all, but he just smiled and said nothing. I asked him what the favor was and he said there wasn’t one; he just wanted to be sure he could count on me. I just kind of walked away from that conversation completely confused after that. Until he called me in May, that is.” His eyes continued to dart between you and his hands as he made gestures to shape his sentences.

All your mind focused on now was the fact that May was when Nana Komatsu entered the picture.

What the hell could he have had to say about you?

“Like I said, it was really late and I was beat; we’d just finished a show and all I wanted to do was sleep. Hell, I’d already texted you good night, that’s how ready I was. But before I could, my phone went off and I answered it even though I didn’t recognize the number. It was Jiyong of course, and he asked if I was ready to do that favor for him.” He let out a sigh. “He asked if I would be sure to make your birthday special. He knew you wouldn’t want to make it a big deal, but… just about everything that happened that night was his idea.”

You gulped, as the redness returned to your cheeks and your lower lip began to tremble.

“I was freaking out, wanting to make the day as special for you as possible because he told me that he kind of fucked it up last year. He called me back and forth, several times for at least three days. I was worrying like crazy over what to get you until he told me that flowers were the only gift you’d ever accept. Hell, he’s the one who got in contact with our managers and personally arranged for us to fly home that day.” He paused once again before he looked up at your face in alarm.

“Y/N, please don’t cry! I should have told you sooner, I’m sorry, I’m so stupid. I didn’t want to upset you by talking about him, and you seemed so happy recently that I just couldn’t, I…”

“Bobby. It’s ok.” You pushed through the tears that had fought their way to your cheeks and interrupted his word vomit by placing a hand on one of his knees. “I’m not mad at you.” You took a deep breath. “I have no idea what to think right now, but I know that I am not mad at you. While I’m not stoked with how I found out, I’m glad that you didn’t tell me sooner.”

He looked up at you hopefully and placed his hand on yours that remained on his knee. “Really? Are you sure?”

You turned your hand to take hold of his and gave him a small smile. “I’m sure. This isn’t something I can really respond to right now. I need some time, you know? I need time to process this, if that’s all right.”

“Of course it’s all right. I understand. I’m about to be pretty busy for the next month anyways, so take all the time you need for yourself.” He responded with a glint of hope in his eyes.

“That means the world to me, Bobby. Promise me that you guys will celebrate your debut with me when it comes around?” You asked while simultaneously offering out your pinky.

He wrapped his pinky around yours and grinned. “I promise.”

You then let out an exasperated sigh and proceeded to get up. He quickly rose to grab hold of you before you could finish and lifted you on to your feet. He paused before letting go and instead wrapped his arms around you. You hugged him back tightly while the two of you stood, slowly swaying back and forth in the quiet studio.

When you pulled away from the hug, you saw Bobby glance up at the clock with a confused look on his face. As if you were capable of reading his mind, you broke the silence with a chuckle. “So, uh, I guess Mino made a run for it.” He laughed lightly in response as he brought one palm to meet his forehead.

“Now if the coast is clear, I’m going to need to cut this kidnapping short and request a ride back to my studio.” You joked to ease any tension that had resonated from the past few minutes.

“I can do that.” Bobby replied with a smile, before guiding the two of you out to the hall.

Despite taking an entire month to think everything through, nothing became any easier to understand. Just as he’d said, Bobby became extremely busy; the last leg of iKon’s tour wrapped up and was immediately followed by his and Mino’s solo debut. You didn’t see him at all through the mass of performances, rehearsals, and interviews, but it was for the best; you had enough on your mind. Jiyong’s voice haunted you every day as you tried your hardest to piece together the exact situation you two were in.

He allowed you to leave YG all those months ago without even lifting a finger. He completely ignored your attempts at contact in the weeks that lead to that moment and yet he told Bobby to look after you.

To look after you for him.

So, what? Was he encouraging the idea of you moving on to someone else? Had he accepted that any efforts towards the two of you getting back together was a lost cause, despite your attempts to communicate again? Then, he just went ahead and planned the events of your birthday; what had meant so much to you when you were under the impression that Bobby set up the whole thing. Now, you were entirely unsure how it made you feel.

Most people would probably find the idea incredibly romantic; contacting a past love’s new interest and ensuring they do right by them and fulfill the happiness they weren’t able to help preserve themselves. But in the days following the reveal of this information, there was something that ate away at you, preventing you from swooning over his gestures.

As the mornings and nights passed before your eyes, you felt incredibly confused as your mind raced with thoughts of Jiyong and Nana. Your intuition that told you they’d become a pairing had been solidified after they were spotted having dinner not very long after that photoshoot published. You’d accepted he was happy without you and reminded yourself nearly every day; but finding out what he’d said to Bobby changed everything. If they were an item, then why did it seem so important to him that your birthday was special? How did he even remember this year? Why did he care?

Did he still care?

Did you still care…?

You wiped your face with both of your hands and groaned in frustration as the thoughts and questions that haunted you every day for the past month reared their ugly heads once again. You were in your dance studio, having just dismissed your last class of the day.

With a sigh, you pressed play on your phone that was hooked up to a set of speakers and continued with the best therapy treatment you’ve ever known. As the songs passed by, one after the other, you continued to throw your limbs into the air, moving in sync with the beat. You closed your eyes and put your heart and soul into the dance, allowing every move to come naturally to you in a rhythmic freestyle.

The ninth song of your playlist ended while you stood in front of your mirror, hunched over with your hands on your knees. You remained there, relishing in the rush of endorphins as silence temporarily filled the room. The only sound that remained was that of exasperated breathing as you attempted to regain control of your pulse, until Bruno Mars’ voice broke through the quiet.

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same

A rush of energy immediately restored itself as you ran to your phone with lightning speed. You tapped the home button to silence the song right before the chorus could start. You let out a contented sigh, thinking you dodged a bullet until you glanced down at the phone’s home screen and allowed your Instagram notifications to draw your attention elsewhere.

You ignored the feeling of déjà vu as best as you could when you saw the exceptionally high spike in notifications.

You gulped, knowing exactly whose face you were bound to see as you opened the app to investigate. What more could life throw at you at this point?

“G-Dragon’s Private Instagram Account Revealed by Hacker.”

“G-Dragon’s Private Instagram Account Gets Hacked amid Dating Rumors.”

“G-Dragon’s Private Instagram Gets Set Public by Hacker; Reveals Couple Photos with Komatsu Nana.”

Oh. That.

A fire ignited itself in your chest as you instantly took to Google to paste the handful of headlines in the search engine. You had unfollowed Jiyong’s private account long ago to avoid seeing such content and you could feel your cheeks and ears redden with anxiety as you scrolled through the articles.

Some crazed fan had taken it upon themselves to hack his private Instagram account and temporarily reset all settings to public. From there, it would seem other fans and news outlets reposted the photos. There were hundreds, sometimes hundreds of thousands of comments on every reposted picture; many of them tagged you in the hopes to gain some sort of response.

You actually felt for him, you really did. There was no excuse for this massive invasion of privacy and you could only imagine how it made him feel.

But as you glanced at the uncovered images, you couldn’t fight the strong urge to break down.

It was one thing to accept the man you once called the love of your life moving on to someone else, but it was another thing entirely to see him pictured with them. You scrolled past images of him sitting beside her at dinners and events, and past those that captured more intimate moments; one of his hand, identified by a smiley face tattoo, with his fingers intertwined in hers. As a single tear made its way down your face, you closed your eyes and sighed.

He’s happy without me, I’m-

As you began to repeat the phrase that had gotten you through the past nine months with your head held high, you were startled by your text tone. A smile found its way to your face as you saw Bobby’s name appear on your screen for the first time in weeks.

BB: Hey you. Hope you’ve been doing ok. Mino and I are going out tonight to officially celebrate our debut and would love if you came with. Miss you.

Y/N: Aish, so sappy…I miss you too though. I’m down, just gimme a time.

You’d replied almost instantly and stared back at the messages with a warmth in your chest. You concluded that you deserved to have a good night and you knew you’d always find that with Bobby. In the month of no communication between the two of you, you’d realized just how grateful you were for him. You’d spent the bulk of the year bringing happiness back into your life and knew you owed much of those efforts to him.

As you thought of Bobby and continued to observe the swarm of notifications from Instagram, bringing your mind back to those pictures, you sighed.

He’s happy without me; I’m happy without him.

You completely immersed yourself in the music that blared through the speakers of the club that night. As you continued to throw back celebratory shot after shot with Bobby, it was the booming bass that consumed you. Your fear of all sorts of confrontation had you opting out of bringing up your last conversation and instead, the two of you took to the dancefloor to move around like idiots.

There was a warmth in your chest; a combination of the bliss that came from seeing Bobby again and the alcohol that your body continuously worked to absorb.

As Psy’s “Daddy” pulsed through the club’s sound system, Bobby’s ridiculously frantic dance moves had you doubled over with laughter. You reached out to put a hand on his shoulder to still his movements, unable to take any more of the stomach pains while giggles continued to pull themselves out of you. You gestured to the bar, letting him know you were getting the two of you another round of shots. He nodded in response as he turned back to the crowd of people and continued to flail his arms in the air. You shook your head and chuckled as you made your way to the bartender.

After ordering your round, you stood with your hands supporting your weight against the bar, bobbing your head side to side along with the music. You watched as the bartender filled two small glasses while a tall figure stood at the seat beside you. You blinked as your eyes adjusted themselves to the proximity of the slender man and observed his features. You unintentionally stared at his long neck leading to jet black hair that was slicked back as he ran a hand through it and spoke to a woman in the seat next to him.

Your eyes widened as you reached an eager hand out to get his attention. You blinked once again as he turned around, allowing you to see all of his features.

“Jiyong! I’ve been looking all over for you, where have you been!?” You exclaimed, throwing your hands in the air.

Mino just stared back at you in confusion. “What did you say, Y/N?”

You paused, realizing the word that had come out of your mouth and brought both hands to your face. “Mino…I said, Mino…right? Of course I did.” You attempted to reassure yourself while Mino brought a hand to rest on your shoulder. His gaze redirected to the two shot glasses that were then placed in front of you on the bar.

In one motion, he grabbed both glasses and looked back at you with concern. “I think you’ve had enough, Y/N.” He said while taking one of the shots himself. He handed you the other glass while extending his index finger in an authoritative manner. “This is for Bobby, ok? Be safe tonight.” Panic attempted to flood your nerves as you stared back at him. “Please don’t tell him that I…”

“I won’t Y/N. I promise.” He reassured and gently ruffled your hair before turning back to continue the conversation with the other woman.

You cursed yourself for the amount you’d drank and allowing it to take such a toll on your senses. In your defense, Mino looked dangerously similar to Jiyong and just about everyone recognized this. But you knew he was right and that it was time to slow down on the booze for the night. You shook all senses of stress away before returning to Bobby, who was still spinning around sporadically on the dancefloor.

As the night progressed and you and Bobby both began to succumb to exhaustion, you decided to call a cab and return to your apartment. After literally dancing the night away, all the two of you wanted was a tall glass of water and some mindless bantering.

You both stumbled into the apartment, giggling like crazy as you made your way to the kitchen to find two glasses. You each let out a contented sigh after simultaneously taking a large gulp of water.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m beat.” You chuckled as you reached both arms up in a stretch, fatigue pulling at your body.

“Same. I don’t think I dance that much even on stage.” He returned with a similar feeling of exhaustion evident in his voice.

“You can stay over tonight if you want, you know. You’re already here after all.” You replied in a small voice, unsure if it was the most appropriate offer to make.

He looked back at you, clearly fighting the look of shock that graced his sharp features. “Would that be all right?” He asked, swaying slowly back and forth as if he was about to collapse into unconsciousness at any minute.

“Nope, that’s totally why I just offered it, right?” You teased before taking a step towards him. “Seriously though, you might as well… and I miss you staying here.” You muttered, almost in a mumble as you watched a shy smile pull at his cheeks and touch his eyes.

“I miss it too.” He replied, followed by a loud, exaggerated yawn. “So shall I get the couch set up or the floor or…?” You reached out with a chuckle and grabbed his hand before he could continue to stall. You took him with you as you both wandered to the bedroom.

“I should have a pair of sweatpants that’ll fit you, but I’m not sure if I have any shirts that are big enough.” You said while sifting through your dresser as Bobby perched himself on the bed.

“That’s cool, I can manage.” He replied with another yawn. You found a pair of sweatpants that have always been too baggy to be worn out in public and lifted yourself up while closing the bottom dresser drawer. As you turned back to the bed, you found Bobby sitting on the edge wearing just his dark jeans; his button-up had been discarded somewhere on the floor, leaving his toned upper body completely exposed as he leaned back on the bed.

“What?” He asked with a light chuckle as he caught you begin to stare. You shook your head in attempts to gain control of yourself and your now flushed cheeks before tossing the sweatpants to him. “Nothing. Just put these on while I go get changed, punk.” He grinned as you made a beeline for the bathroom with your pajamas, avoiding eye contact.

You composed yourself, throwing on an oversized t-shirt and boy shorts; your usual form of pajamas. With one last look at yourself in the mirror, you returned to the bedroom, stumbling slightly as you saw Bobby who now lay sitting up in the bed with the covers pulled up to his waist.

“Sup.” He said while you could only chuckle in response. You meandered to your side of the bed, careful to not bump into anything as the alcohol attempted to work itself out of your system.

“Hey dude.” You finally replied once you found a comfortable spot beneath the sheets.

“Somebody’s blushing. I can put my shirt back on, Y/N, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He replied, clearly amused by your sudden shyness.

“No, no, it’s fine…it’s fine.” Your voice trailed off as you couldn’t help but admire his toned physique. Alcohol always fueled your desire for skinship, but as you glanced at Bobby now, you couldn’t fight the thoughts that had you craving more.

He caught on to this in his own tipsy state as he reached a hand out to grab hold of yours. He slowly brought it to his bare chest as an audible gasp escaped your lips. You locked eyes momentarily before every voice in your head successfully convinced you to close the space between you.

You grabbed hold of his face with your other hand as your lips met his. He inhaled deeply into the kiss and brought both of his hands to either side of your face, tangling his fingers into your hair. You continued to kiss him as you readjusted your position to lay flat against his upper body.

His lips moved with yours with a longing and urgency that hadn’t graced yours in ages. You brought both of your hands to hold his face to yours as his hands began to wander; one wrapping securely around the back of your neck as the other found its way to the small of your back. A fire immediately ignited itself in your gut as the undeniable sexual tension in the room became too much to bear.

Your hand ran across his toned back and bicep; your breathing hitched in response as a small moan fought to escape you. You managed to contain it until his hand that was on the small of your back found its way to the back of your thigh. With one move, he hitched your leg around his waist and tilted his head towards you to deepen the kiss.

Your breathing became shallower as you felt his tongue graze your bottom lip. You opened your mouth to accept him while he moaned softly in approval. His hand continued to roam across the side of your body before he pulled away momentarily to lock eyes with you.

You looked back at him, lust overwhelming your senses as you lightly pushed his shoulder down and moved yourself to hover over him. You brought your legs closely to either side of him, straddling his hips as you continued to kiss him. It felt like pure ecstasy as your bodies moved together through your clothed bottom halves. Without thinking, your hips began to grind against each other as his tongue continued to explore your mouth.

He inhaled sharply before bringing his hands to the hem of your oversized pajama shirt. He pulled it up slowly, stalling in the form of a request as you quickly discarded the material to fulfill the gesture. You didn’t feel a care in the world as you sat above him, now only wearing a pair of boy shorts. You watched as his eyes raked over your upper body, licking his lips with desire before bringing your mouth back to his.

You continued to grind your hips against him, before the weight of his body pushed itself against you. In one movement, he flipped the both of you over so that he hovered over you. He broke from the kiss to trail smaller ones along your collarbone until his lips met your neck. You ran your hands along the muscles of his exposed back as your breathing became more and more sporadic with every kiss he left on the side of your neck.

As he began to grind against you again, your lower body froze as your eyes shot open. Something stilled itself in your chest as you glanced at his upper body leaning over you. Your eyes trailed along his arms as he continued to kiss your neck; his bare, tattoo-less arms.

Everything stopped.

Somehow able to feel the shift in you, Bobby stilled his movements and broke away from your neck to lock eyes with you. “Are you ok, Y/N? Do you want to stop?” He asked in a low, husky tone.

You inhaled, unaware that you’d created such an obvious change in mood, and lightly ran your hands down the sides of his arms. “Isn’t this what you want?” You asked, trying to push through your clouded vision brought on by lust and booze.

He immediately lifted himself away from you with a look of concern. “What? That doesn’t matter. That wasn’t what I asked. Y/N, what do YOU want?”

You propped your upper body up on your elbows as you looked at him in confusion. “What does that even mean?”

He dropped his head and exhaled as he removed himself from you. “I can’t do this.” He muttered while you continued to look at him in shock. “What? Bobby, no, I’m not even that drunk, I swear.”

“Y/N, that’s not it.” He said as he got off the bed and began to put his shirt back on. You watched as he secured each button, not taking a second to look at you, still topless on the bed in front of him.

With a sigh, you located your own shirt and brought the collar to your head, throwing it on as every feeling of lust and warmth exited your body. Everything was immediately replaced with concern as you looked at Bobby.

He perched himself on the edge of your bed and placed his head in his hands. “This is wrong.” He muttered.

“What? What do you mean? What’s the problem?” You asked as you crawled to his side of the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder while you awaited a response.

He let out a sigh before turning to look at you. He smiled sadly as his eyes roamed over your face before he replied. “You still love him.”

[full-course-identity]

Overview

Queere Theory: a deeper look at Jeremy Heere, by Sebastian Sabra Thomas

Anxious teenager. Main character. Chronic masturbator. All of these may be used to describe Jeremy Heere at quick glance, in and out of both canon and fanon alike. However, I believe no flippant descriptors can adequately describe his hidden potential lying just underneath the surface.

This is part 1 of a multi-part meta essay wherein I make my case for Jeremy Heere’s character. Links are added to text in [brackets]. Per Tumblr’s broken spam filtration however, I will be removed links and content warnings from any versions of these posts in the tag, and censoring any words I think might be flagged (unfortunately). For the complete version of part 1, please see /post/183607694271/overview on my blog, or /works/18187976/chapters/43020944 on AO3.

While this part is intentionally PG-13, content warnings for later parts of this essay include: NSFW. Frank discussions of mental illness, including psychosis, which could potentially be categorized as fetishistic (that does not mean I believe it is, mind you, but I’m covering my bases here). Graphic descriptions of trauma, including CSA and sexual assault. Internalized queerphobia. Trans sexuality. Kinks and kink culture. Underage sexuality. Polyamory.

This is my first meta, as well as my first essay since… shit, high school. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

For closing on a year now, I’ve been consuming from, and occasionally participating in, the Be More Chill fandom. Still rocky on its feet after the initial Boom of Summer 2017, but steadily gaining traction with the Off (and now On) Broadway performances, BMC is coming to terms with it’s own fanon identity as common characterizations grow more locked in by the day.

As the months go by and I fall deeper in love with this series, I’ve been slowly tracking down abandoned or underappreciated content in my usual stomping grounds (excessive angst and unpopular pairings), solidifying my own thoughts and opinions as a creator first and a fan second. In some ways, I’ve come to similar conclusions as the rest of the fandom. In others, I stand alone.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I’d like to try and make a case for what I’ve come to think of Jeremy, or Jeremiah, Heere, both for my own benefit and as an attempt to persuade others to my side for various, admittedly selfish (but c’mon, would I be writing this if it wasn’t?) reasons. I would deeply appreciate it if you’d come along on this metatextual journey with me to places far and wide inside Jeremy’s subconscious. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Pure Imagination played over wet slapping noises and the occasional electrotorture flashback!

Anyway.

This essay will be broken down into 7 Parts (links to be added as they’re completed):

[The Overview (that’s this one!)],

[Characterization],

[Mental Health],

[Interpersonal Relationships],

[His Family],

[The Squip], and

[Final Thoughts and Recommendations]

To start with, Characterization will be loosely split two ways: personality, and appearance. This will overlap with the other parts of course, but you should have a solid understanding of the foundation from which I carve details like ‘neurodivergency’ and ‘familial bonds’ from by the end of it. Jeremy Heere may look like an Enigma along a Fault line, but really, he’s a vulnerable kid who’s gone through some intense trauma--whether in canon, fanon, or my own funky concoction of both.

He’s also insanely pretty. Don’t worry, I’ll be reminding you of that a lot.

Mental Health covers MI Disorders like PTSD (which, yes, I do believe Jeremy has), and Neurodivergent behaviors like his autistic symptoms (I don’t generally consider him autistic, but it’s not a hard sell, and I’ll try to go over it either directly in the post or through a follow-up some other time). It’ll also be going over his traumas, both in canon and my headcanon. Heads up: I am mentally ill and neurodivergent, including professionally diagnosed PTSD, among other fun things. I have strong symptoms and trauma which, yeah, I sometimes see in Jeremy. I will be going over how these personal experiences color my perception.

Interpersonal relationships will discuss his friends and romantic prospects--as well as his sexuality as a whole. From his identity as queer(e) and bisexual, to his thoughts on being Achellian, to his kinks and latent polyamory and desired hook up habits. Also, all of his identities here reflect ones similar to mine, but with a few important distinctions.

(Speaking of Queerness, across all of these posts, as I feel it’s necessary, I’ll be making a point to talk about the differences between cis boy Jeremy, trans boy Jeremy, and brief thoughts on how I could see a trans femme narrative as well.)

I’ll be using the Family part as a follow up for, and a further exploration of, the specific trauma he’s sustained from his Mother and her abandonment, and how his dad (bless his heart) is 100% canonically neglectful. I truly believe Jeremy has all the hallmarks of an abused kid.

… The Squip will be an interesting topic. If you’re opposed to Squipemy, feel free to skip it, although I will try to segregate the shipping half from the platonic half.

Finally, for the Wrap Up post, I will be writing down my final conclusions and then going over fan content that inspires me and tweaks my perception in ways large and small. For example, I’m always consuming animatics in some form; one great artist is the famous [Cla Comics], who provides a good base for mannerisms and overt humor, though, by nature, her content is on the lighter end of the spectrum then what I’m usually wallowing in. Other artists, like [PINE TRE3] and [Torpedomyass], have both provided some nice angst, and fit right in line with my general taste in aesthetics. It’s not just those three either of course, and I’ll also be doing the same for fanfic, too.

(… in fact, and I consistently sing this to the Heavens whenever I have the chance, but uh, do yourself a favor and read anything written by [Vanceypants]. Vancey is not only my best friend, they’re my longest running collaborator, my biggest fan, and my other muse. They also far surpass my writing, and Smoke Signals, a Rich Goranski origin story, is a fucking masterpiece.)

Okay, gushing about content aside, I do truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my rambling, and I hope to keep you both interested and engaged from start to finish. All I truly want is for the world to understand just how lovely Jeremiah “Furry Enthusiast and Slowly Burning Anxiety Attack” Queere really is.

Thank you!

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