#really nuts stuff happens these days on Twitter and I am just so tired. i just don't have the energy to care about

[superstardestroyer]

I know every time we start talking about how fandom is now/used to be it's quickly pointed out that this group has always existed but "It is, by nature of fandom, impossible to "manage" because no one owns fan spaces." This is what's changed.

When moderators existed, there was an expectation that once someone had proven themselves to be this type, they would be removed. It didn't always work great - this type seeks out becoming mods more than most! I recall a hilarious event with a Gundam LJ community in particular. But because they are such a small percent of the whole, they can be bullied back (which was what made the event such an impeccable and memorable time).

The algorithm has changed things though. Fanart and fic don't drive comments and retweets and discourse vids as much as contentious senseless beefing does. Discord communities are naturally hidden away so instead of being open and allowing the larger groups to come in and air things out politely they fall prey to the one or two who come in.

Fandoms end up virtually controlled by this demographic now in public perception as a result. That article about how studios are going to run things past gam*rgate types to avoid their ire speaks to a phenomenal shift in the perception of the power of the 1% of horrific fans.

I think it's also exacerbated because of the prevalence of phones and the power of social media. Doing numbers can make you real world money and get you real world attention, and back pre-2010 you had to log off to go to work and school. You didn't really impress anybody by being on fandomwank for being a fandoms nightmare.

Growth and normalization of fandom are huge factors, but the design and influence of social media are a kerosene on the fire of the 1%.

Dismantling their power and preventing their behavior relies on the rest of us realizing the role we play in it: QRTing them shouldn't happen. Linking to their content is the last thing we should do. Certain things that used to work for naming and shaming are now exploitable hacks for them.

Sharing bad call-out posts that are clearly just personal beef needs to stop: the 1% can and does use our communities and senses of justice against us. We need to stop trying to prove constantly to each other that we're good and pure because let's be real: 99% of us aren't hurting anyone no matter what we do in our corner of fandom.

Weird kinks and problematic fic content do much less damage than a person who constantly sets fires in our spaces. Moderating - as a former moderator of multiple fandom and art spaces, some very large - has never been about policing ourselves for little, weird, gross behaviors. It's about spotting behavior that either is these guys or feeds into the shenanigans of the small number of real troublemakers online and cutting them off from attention and audience and mobs to lead.

And to deny them means I think that all of us need to care a lot less about clout and audience online too, which is what's so hard about it. QRTing or otherwise linking the menace and their content makes them come beef with you. It drives views. Not doing it stops YOU from getting followers as surely as it does the problem-maker. Wanting the approval and notice of popular fans makes you end up part of their hurtful mob.

Politely minding our own business is harder. But in the end it's what we need to start doing more of to starve out this shit. The Tumblr porn ban and folks coming back really did improve this site tremendously: by cutting the chain of communication between them and everybody else. With fewer followers here, many of them focused their attention elsewhere. It may involve posting to smaller communities and tending to your mutuals more and bothering with everyone else less, but I think it is worth doing.

Doing your part to not be part of their behavior is not just passively ignoring them. It is an incredible difficult and active task where you have to dismiss the hold they want to have on your attention all the time and instead focus all your energy on accepting the harmless and annoying parts you don't like about everybody else in your fandom to build a community that isn't going to evaporate in 6 months when it is no longer the cool new show or whatever. Now more than ever, we have to be resilient and care about each other as people and fandom spaces rather than an audience to validate us and confirm that we are important and pure so that we can starve out those of us who will burn our community to the ground so that they can get what they want from the ashes.

I feel like with the new ~fandom drama~ or whatever going around, I should re-introduce my favorite theory of fandom, which I call the 1% Theory.

Basically, the 1% Theory dictates that in every fandom, on average, 1% of the fans will be a pure, unsalvageable tire fire. We’re talking the people who do physical harm over their fandom, who start riots, cannot be talked down. The sort of things public news stories are made of. We’re not talking necessarily bad fans here- we’re talking people who take this thing so seriously they are willing to start a goddamn fist fight over nothing. The worst of the worst.

The reason I bring this up is because the 1% Theory ties into an important visual of fandom knowledge- that bigger fandoms are always perceived as “worse”, and at a certain point, a fandom always gets big enough to “go bad”. Let me explain.

Say you have a small fandom, like 500 people- the 1% Theory says that out of those 500, only 5 of them will be absolute nutjobs. This is incredibly manageable- it’s five people. The fandom and world at large can easily shut them out, block them, ignore their ramblings. The fandom is a “nice place”.

Now say you have a medium sized fandom- say 100,000 people. Suddenly, the 1% Theory ups your level of calamity to a whopping 1000 people. That’s a lot. That’s a lot for anyone to manage. It is, by nature of fandom, impossible to “manage” because no one owns fan spaces. People start to get nervous. There’s still so much good, but oof, 1000 people.

Now say you have a truly massive fandom- I use Homestuck here because I know the figures. At it’s peak, Homestuck had approximately FIVE MILLION active fans around the globe.

By the 1% Theory, that’s 50,000 people. Fifty THOUSAND starting riots, blackmailing creators, contributing to the worst of the worst of things.

There’s a couple of important points to take away here, in my opinion.

1) The 1% will always be the loudest, because people are always looking for new drama to follow.

2) Ultimately, it is 1%. It is only 1%. I can’t promise the other 99% are perfect, loving angels, but the “terrible fandom” is still only 1% complete utter garbage.

3) No fandom should ever be judged by their 1%. Big fandoms always look worse, small fandoms always look better. It’s not a good metric.

So remember, if you’re ever feeling disheartened by your fandom’s activity- it’s just 1%, people. Do your part not to be a part of it.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Memories of 2020 - Initial asks and a small discussion

*cracks knuckles* Here we go.

If any of you have spent any amount of time today on any ARMY sns platform, I’m sure you’ve seen the mess which, as seasoned ARMY, I can tell you was the exact same mess we see...every single time. I can’t particularly say I’m surprised by any of it, especially when watching the entire process, as in the first clips hitting the TL and then the rest slowly following suit like a flood building steadily as the hours went by.

From anon: be ready for insecure vminies 😂

I’m pleased to report it wasn’t actually as bad as I expected, though now that I’m typing this I probably jinxed my own luck and the flood of asks will come soon enough, but maybe not. I’m holding on to the latter.

Based on the cycle in which these things happen every time, as in that the first clips that hit the ARMY spaces are Xkook ones, followed by vmin and other ships, and lastly more OT7 content, I expected our asks to go haywire after that clip, you know which one I mean. But we’ve only gotten two (?) about it, kind of, so I guess most people understood that it was just for laughs and nothing serious that anyone would have to get insecure over.

From anon: Sigh. This is my first memories of bts as army and i'm already tired of how all of twitter seems to be about 1 j*/k*ok moment now. There were so many j*n/kook m*ments and hugs and a sweet h*pe/k*ok backhug moment and a good number of vmin moments including slow dancing so why is the focus always on that one ship?

Here’s the thing, maybe my TLs are just well curated, I don’t know, but on mine no one really focused on that moment? Even non-shipper OT7s just briefly had a chuckle and then moved along to other things, awww’ed at vmin moments, there was lots and lots of talk about J*nk*ok being super cute and there being so much content when it comes to their interactions, there was a lot of chatter about basically every duo and OT7 moment. I know ship specific spaces went nuts, Xkookers butting heads like their lives depend on it, but outside of them?

“All of twt” is an exaggeration and I know, believe me I do, that Xkookers have the ability to make it seem like everyone just cares about their moments because they themselves (the shippers) are loud and seemingly everywhere, but when you look past them, that isn’t the case. Shippers have a tendency to generalize, especially those who follow a lot of their fellow shippers, but when you step outside of shipper spaces, things look very differently.

Like anon said, though I’d like to preface this by saying that I haven’t seen the entirety of Memories of 2020 so I can only go by what I have seen though I’d say I’ve seen nearly everything that was posted on twt or at least as much as I could find (including Xkook things), there were a lot, and I mean a lot, of amazing moments between basically all the members, regardless of who your favorite duo might be, I’m sure there was something for you there. Even those who are supposedly a rarity. And even as vminnies, this time around we had a feast with so many amazing vmin moments, some funny ones, some random ones, some super cute ones, whatever you want, there is something there for you to find. And the same can be said about so many other duos, we even got Yoongi and Hobi FaceTiming each other, and Yoongi saying they look like a couple while looking at the pictures Hobi chose for the coffee truck he sent to Yoongi’s Daechwita MV filming set.

There’s one discussion I’d like to get out of the way below the cut, but after that I will have another post very, very soon in which I want us to just have some fun and look at vmin, namjin and the other moments because there is just so much to find. And this is just day one of people having the DVDs, these discussion will continue for a while because, like I mentioned before, Memories are a treasure trove for OT7 content and fun stuff, and there’s more than eleven hours worth of it to be watched, discovered and discussed.

But, okay, let’s get into that moment since anons wanted to talk about it and know my thoughts on it, so let’s do just that. And yes, other anon from a while ago, I remember you once mentioning how I shouldn’t talk about other ships and shouldn’t “debunk” them and their moments, though I’d hardly call this debunking, but as I said many times since our first post, I’m ARMY before I am a vminnie and namjinist, and our blog is called thoughts on Bangtan and, as far as I’m aware, both JK and Jimin are part of Bangtan, so I don’t see a reason why I can’t show my perspective on it and also voice my grievances with shippers when it comes to that moment. And, before anyone comes into our asks to yell at me for being toxic/problematic or only doing this to make my ship look better or whatever, no, that isn’t the point, like at all. 

“Debunking” moments makes literally no difference whatsoever in the grand scheme of things and doesn’t affect reality, all I am doing is having a chat just like everyone else. I’m not even asking you to agree with me, you’re more than welcome not to, I can’t and won’t stop you. Also, just so you know, my initial reaction was just to laugh amused by it, no hard feelings, so I’m not the bad guy.

That being said...the Xkook moment.

Here’s the thing, when it first surfaced many hours ago, the moment itself was cut down to show just the moment of Jimin leaning close to JK and JK leaning back and turning his head away so his cheek faced Jimin...and cut, some even cutting off the video before JK turned his head. That’s it. People, as in shippers, freaked out, and everyone else had a good laugh and moved along to other things, even vminnies were joking about it and everything. I saw none of my fellow vminnies getting angry or insecure about it. Then, as time went by, someone else posted that scene but this time also showing the things leading up to it, so putting it into context instead of removing it. With the context suddenly the whole thing looked and felt completely differently since moments prior Jimin was pretending to stab JK with the pointy end of his mic and then acted as though to check if he was d*ad, as in the end of the scene. Turns out it was just for giggles and not some grand romantic moment in a room full of people and a camera close to their faces.

By that time, of course, those who cared most about that moment had long decided what meaning this holds and didn’t care once context was shown. Gifs and art had already been created, the yelling was loud, and the fights between Xkookers were reaching levels of toxicity I hadn’t seen in a while, which was disgusting and fucked up the say the least. But, the thing is, I don’t think the moment itself was the issue. In context and as rational ARMY you know it was just Jimin playing around with JK as they usually do, things we’ve also seen other members do in similar (though not quite like this) fashion, and after eight years since debut and nine of knowing each other, this isn’t shocking or new in any way. No, the issue were Xkookers and the way they treated this moment, some even going as far as taking screenshots and editing them to make it seem like they were about to kiss, as in they changed the placements of their heads to fit their narrative, as well as others making gifs where they play the moment backwards (leaving out the part where JK leans his head away and to the side) and thus they created their own version of the moment which was different from what had actually happened.

That is my biggest issue with this whole thing. The blatant manipulation of moments to create narratives that don’t match reality, twisting them and using them in stupid pointless fights. But imagine vminnies were to do any of that, all hell would break loose and we’d be attacked without mercy because how dare, and yet they don’t follow their own “logic” and “rules”. It’s more than okay to find any and all moments cute, we all do, to make jokes and whatnot, but twisting context, manipulating it and basically creating your own version of it goes too far. 

Take what we are given as what it is, instead of what you want it to be.

So, now that that’s done, please fellow vminnies and ARMYs, don’t be insecure or let people ruin your mood and fun over it. It’s not worth it. Instead let’s check out and have a talk about some of the fun vmin and OT7 moments we got, along with other ones, including my reply to another anon when it comes to namjin. Of course what I will mention in the post (HERE) is basically just the tip of the iceberg since tumblr has a limit on pictures and everything, so just know there is so much more still left to see than just that.

Before I’ll go, for those who still feel a little insecure/doubtful/whatever else, while I was working on this post and the other one, another anon sent in this well timed vmin ask:

From anon: I have to say this as a Vmin supporter. Whatever is going on with Vmin we can rest assure what they is special/untouchable. They graduated HS & college together, going for Bachelors together. Jimin-ah I like you the most. I want to live with my lovely Taehyung for the rest if my life. Their future is together, friends/soulmates or more they said it. I won’t tear down other members closeness (good for them) their bonds don’t erase Vmins. I’m just happy with the moments Vmin allow us to see.

[j-reau]

a hiatus or something

I didn’t want to post this. I told myself to give it until morning and sleep but I’ve been laying here for over an hour and I can’t sleep and I know I’m not going to sleep until I get it out. And I decided I’m not going to do the pretend things don’t bother us mentality that tumblr likes, the don’t show emotions on the dashboard, don’t let people know you’re hurt or angry out of fear it’ll be seen as ~drama or whatever thing stop me from just saying how I feel. Because I feel pretty shitty? I’ve been feeling shitty for a few days now. Maybe more. Last week I told myself that the drama that had randomly cropped up was just too much and I wasn’t going to let tumblr be something that made me cry or panic or kept me up at night over bullshit like arguing with someone over things that happened years ago. So I set my focus on my friends, on my dashboard, on reminding myself why I love RP and why I’ve been in it for this many years, for so long, with all of these people. Those Valentines I posted were part of that project for me. It was a reminder, for myself and my dash about all of the human connection that happens here, all the people we meet, all the little pieces of each other we take on and take with us, all the ships, all the conversations, however brief.  From the people we just see on our dash to the ones we talk to about all our fears and insecurities. And how all of it matters. 

I know how much we all love to say calm down gregg, it’s tumblr RP. I know how we all loathe this hellsite when we’re being our worst. I know how we all talk about how we’re too old for this now or we’re tired. We’re just here to write. I’m just here to write. I love writing. But what brings us all back time and time again, what keeps us here is the fact that it’s not just tumblr RP. It’s a community. Whether you have a real life that keeps you busy or your whole life is here, whether you have plenty of friends offline or all your closes people live on discord, we’re all people. And we all take this with us. We make friendships and we talk to each other. We open ourselves up to the constant trust and fear of interaction, of  plotting, of who is going to reach out or send the meme. We build friendships based on that, we care for each other, we see each other’s bad days on the dash, and great days and inspiration. And it means something. It may just be tumblr RP, but it matters to us. Because of the people here, because we give a fuck about each other. Or at least I’ve always liked to hope we do. I have friends on this website I’ve had for ten years, some just for 3, and others just a few months. It always floors me how we can always come back to it, how we stick with each other or don’t, how we see the good and the bad and the ugly. 

So to get on with it, I wrote those Valentines.  I hit refresh on my blog and put the weird random drama in the past and moved forward. I made this blog for JJ only about 3 months ago. I don’t know how I got 500 followers in that short time but I did. And it’s. been the wildest experience I can possibly explain, having that happen so quickly, finding so many people out in the RPC that I hadn’t before on my other blogs. I felt fucking good. I was excited. Not just to write a character I had wanted to and loved for years but to find so many people who I vibed with. I remember writing a post about a month in and being so fucking ... floored. By how much I loved you all, by how amazing it was to be received like that still, to find people my age and who wrote things I liked and loved their female characters. I fucking love JJ. I LOVE THE SHIT out of my partners on this blog, even the new people I’m still itching to write with. And yet, I did that little refresh, posted my valentines , got ready to go and felt .... sad. 

I tried to explain it. I tried to tell myself it was a bad mood. I hoped maybe it was medication. But I couldn’t shake the weird funk. And everywhere I looked it seemed like things were .... not good. My friends taking breaks, people feeling sad too, relationships splitting, people I liked and respected separating themselves. Tonight, one of my closest friends I’ve made on this blog blocked me. Someone I adored and trusted and absolutely loved to write with. Tumblr says we’re not supposed to care. That we’re supposed to let people draw their lines in the sand and take their leave and maybe we are. Maybe it’s important to let people make their choices. But I also think it’s important as fuck to talk to your friends, to mean what you say when you tell someone they’re important to you. I think it’s important that we remember on the other side of every blog and discord user is a person. Who has bad days and bad feelings and cries and feels insecure and tells themselves it’s just tumblr RP even when they know somehow it feels heavier when it’s bad. This was a friend I had talked to at length about all of those exact things, about how personal the community can feel sometimes, about feeling replaceable or invisible, even for the toughest most confident most take no shit people. I’ve always considered myself a pretty tough, confident, take no shit person. I think anyone who has known me for as many years as I’ve been around has seen that first hand. I don’t like how sad I’ve felt lately. I don’t like the insecurity that’s making me want to know why things feel way or why people vanish without so much as an explanation. I had to block a mutual last week I saw making fun of me on their twitter. A mutual. Someone who chose to follow me and on a public place where my other friends could see it made fun of what I posted. And I just don’t know what we’re doing anymore. It didn’t bother me. I don’t have hurt feelings over it. That’s the kind of stuff I definitely know I’m confident about. But .... it did really fucking floor me. Because here we are, on a sight where users talk about positivity and not sending anon hate, and we can treat each other like that. 

I’ve been sitting up in bed for hours trying to figure out what to say or what to do. That’s what I do I guess. I try to figure out what to do, how we fix it, like somehow there’s some unified we and some responsibility to make things better. A lot of you have only known me for a few months so this probably sounds all kinds of nuts. And you’re probably going JJ you’ve been an emotional mess since the moment we met you. Because I feel like that’s how it’s been for the last few months. But that’s not how it’s always been for me. That’s not who I am. So for now I guess I’m just trying to figure out what I do. Instead of sitting here and spinning and trying to figure out how we as a community fix these gaping holes and the way we talk about each other like we’re disposable and treat each other like names on a list instead of people. 

For now, I think what I do is take a little break. It’s the very thing I don’t want to do. Because it feels like quitting and it feels like being scared away. So I feel the need to promise whoever has read all of this and myself that that’s not what it is. Maybe I’ll be back in two days, maybe two weeks, who knows. But I need a break. From whatever this feeling is that seems to have come over things lately. I’ve loved these few months on this blog so much. And maybe that’s half the problem. Maybe I got spoiled and this is the come down. Maybe I’m just an idiot who thinks what we all want on this website is to find people and love each other and write together. I never knew that me -- the person often accused of being aloof and feelingsless and distant would somehow turn into the emotional bitch on this website but here we are I guess. I just don’t know how to navigate this anymore. I don’t know how to put my heart into relationships and friendships that can just be switched off like we can just stop caring about people. I don’t know how to ignore people who say horrible things and do horrible things to each other just because we don’t want to see it on our dashes. I don't know how to give enough of everything to everyone so that every single one of my mutuals and partners knows they’re valuable to me. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish. I don’t know when I got to be so much of a raw, frayed edge on tumblr dot com but that’s how I feel. And I hope in a few days or sometime soon I’ll have an answer or at least get my hard shell back.

I want to keep writing. I want to keep talking to you guys. I don’t want to lose anyone. I truly mean what I say when I say you’re all important to me. I plan to still be around on discord. I’ll write on discord if anyone wants to keep writing. If we aren’t discord friends yet and you want to be, send a message. I plan to come back. I don’t want to abandon anything. I’m so deeply fucking sorry for this rant, for all the overflow of feelings lately, for anyone that’s had to listen to them, for putting them on your dashes, for fucking all of it. Please be good to each other. Please talk to each other. Please remember that if we’ve crossed paths at any point on this blog, I value you. I value all of your friendships, your writing, your shitposts, your dash commentary, your tiktoks you dump at me on discord. I love you. Every last fucking one of you. 

[theradicalscrivener]

Big Dick Energy

The idea behind this fic was inspired by a recent series of pics done by Gasaiv over on twitter. Although I may have “expanded” on the idea a bit ;)

Steven needs a serious pick-me-up if he is going to survive a day of classes on next to no sleep. Fortunately, there’s a store near campus that ought to carry just what he needs—an aptly named drink known as “Big Dick Energy”.

              Even before Steven had laid down for a nap, he knew the morning was going to be rough. He had gotten so caught up in the rush of the grand finale of the series that he was watching that he had to see it through to the bitter end in one sitting. As he laid down at 5 am to grab a few winks before his 8 am class, Steven quietly cursed Netflix and their business model. When his alarm inevitable blared in his ear little more than two hours later, Steven was feeling positively rancorous. He had had some double espresso days, but this, he knew, would require something even more drastic.

              Fortunately, there was a small convenience store right off campus that lay directly along his path from his dorm to class. Due to the oddities that are zoning rules, the convenience store was “on campus” for all intents and purposes, but it was not actually a campus establishment. As such, they were free to carry whatever wares they saw fit, and many of the items that lined their shelves could not be found anywhere else. This was just fine for Steven. He knew he needed something with enough caffeine to give a horse a heart murmur, and he doubted he’d find something like that at the campus stores.

              Steven perused the shelves of the shady establishment. He saw all the staples ranging from Starbucks to Coke and even some stuff he was sure was illegal in his state, but none of those were quite what he was looking for. He was just about to settle for a Red Bull when he saw it.

              On a shelf in the back of the store was a six pack of green and purple cans. Each can was emblazoned with the silhouette of the male member, and the name made it clear why it had such a logo. “Big Dick Energy” the cans read. That sounded like the kind of kick Steven needed to get through the day, so he hastily carried the cans up to the register, paid, and shoved the entire pack in his bag.

              Steven barely made it out of the shop before reaching into his bag and plucking one of the six cans.  He popped the top and quickly downed the contents of the entire can. 20 full fuid ounces of what tasted like berry fresh battery acid passed his tongue and flowed down his throat, burning every inch of the way. Steven let out a sound that was half sigh of refreshment and half groan of pain after doing the deed.

              The effects were almost instantaneous. Steven felt a jolt of energy coursing through his body, and something else as well. He felt warm and tingly all over – especially down in his nether regions. His cock felt nice and plumped up almost as if he was sporting a semi in his shorts. Steven was no stranger to energy drinks, but this was the first time he could ever claim to have been turned on by drinking one. He chalked it up to being partially sleep drunk and went on his way towards class.

              As he passed the engineering building, something caught his eye – his own reflection! The solid wall of tinted windows served as a mirror in which he could view himself, and he had to admit, he liked what he saw. He was sure it was just his sleep deprived brain playing tricks on him, but the bulge in his shorts was looking pretty choice. It was painfully obvious that he was free-balling (he had been too tired to get cleaned up for class and set out in his pajamas) but Steven doubted anyone would complain too much. His bulge looked amazing! Steven had always been painfully average down south, but today it looked like he had a solid eight inches of floppy dong with a pair of golf ball sized nuts to go along with his thick sausage. He chalked the plus-sized package up to a trick of the light caused by his lack of sleep. He just hoped his bulge looked half as hot to others as it looked to himself.

              Steven managed to slide into class right as the professor was getting ready to take roll. Roll was more of a formality than anything else at this point. This was a relatively small, discussion style class as opposed to one of those giant auditorium lectures. As such, everyone knew each other, and if anyone was missing, it was pretty obvious.

              Steven couldn’t be sure, but it felt like all eyes were on him as he crept in the door and made his way to his seat at the back of the room. There were a few audible gasps as well. Steven’s mind was racing. It felt like one of those dreams where he had shown up to class and forgotten his pants. Everyone’s eyes were glued to his crotch just like in his pantsless dreams, but Steven was absolutely sure he was both wide awake and fully clothed.

              Things seemed to calm down after Steven took his seat. With his plus-sized package safely hidden from view, the rest of the class had nothing to ogle, and soon things settled into the standard routine. The professor would go down the list and ask someone to speak up about what they read the previous day. Meanwhile, Steven found himself drifting in and out of consciousness. He was just so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Even with a full can of Big Dick Energy coursing through his veins he was barely holding it together. This called for more drastic measures.

              Steven reached into his bag and fumbled blindly for another can. It didn’t take him long to find it, and once he had it, he quickly popped the top and power slammed the second can much as he had done the first.

              Once again, Steven felt a rush course through him. His skin felt like he had an electrical current running through it, and his cock felt twice as chubbed up as it had mere moments ago. He was amazed that he could even get hornier than he already was. He had been feeling hot and bothered since his first can. He had expected the pleasantly plumped sensation to die down as the day went on, but if anything, it had gotten more intense. Steven couldn’t help himself. His cock felt so amazing and he was so horny that he just could not keep his hands off of it. He slipped a hand beneath his desk and stroked the length of his shaft through his shorts.

              Something felt off. His cock felt massive! He wrapped his hand around the thick shaft, and it felt like he was gripping a pool noodle. His dick felt thicker than his wrist! There was no way this could be correct. Steven figured it had to be a trick of his sleep-deprived mind.

              Steven didn’t have long to contemplate just how huge his dick felt. Soon the sound of his own name being called snapped him back to reality.

              “Steven? Are you awake?” The professor asked.

              “Yessir,” Steven sputtered.

              “It’s your turn to present,” the professor said.

              “Present?” Steven asked.

              “Page thirteen. Third paragraph.” The professor explained.

              “Oh, right,” Steven said. He quickly flipped his book to the correct page and skipped the paragraph to get a feel for what he was supposed to be reading. Everything seemed pretty standard. He would read the paragraph and discuss what he thought of the contents. He had bullshitted his way through this class so far. Why stop now?

              Steven slid his seat back and stood up. No sooner had his crotch come into view from behind his desk than he heard the gasps from the entire class.

              “What the fuck!?” someone gasped.

              “No way…” Someone else murmured.

              “He’s huge!” another said.

              It seemed the whole class was fixated on Steven’s bulge. Steven tried not to pay attention to it and focus on his assignment, but it was proving impossible to do. No matter how hard he tried to focus, the thoughts in the back of his mind drowned out all else. He wasn’t that big, was he?

              Steven repositioned his book a little further from his chest, giving him a clear view straight down to his crotch, and even he had to gawp at what he saw. His cock was far too large for his own shorts! His once loose and airy basketball shorts were now packed to bursting with an enormous set of cock and balls. His soft cock had to be over a foot long! It was thicker than his forearm! He had two fat nuts the size of schoolyard kick balls. His package was so massive that the sheet weight of it was pulling his pants down. His entire well-kept crotch was on display as well as the first few inches of his massive cock!

              Steven tried to speed through his presentation as quickly as possible so he could get back behind his desk and take stock of his situation, but just knowing how massive and amazingly sexy his cock and balls had become was driving him wild. Add onto that the comments and leers from his fellow peers, his already enormous cock was quickly growing into a gigantic rod!

              As soon as his presentation was over, Steven ducked back behind his desk and tried to play it off as if nothing had happened, but the rest of the class wasn’t about to forget so quickly. Steven could see the sidelong glances and stares from his classmates and even the professor. The whole room was abuzz with whispers and comments as the class devolved into a conversation about Steven’s enormous package. Steven had to admit it felt pretty good to be so amazingly hung that just his bulge could stop an entire class dead in its tracks, but at the same time he couldn’t stop worrying. There was no way this was normal. His dick shouldn’t have just surged in size like this, and since everyone else around him was keenly aware of the changes as well, Steven could not write this off as just a trick of the mind. This was really real!

              There was so much chatter going on that the professor never did manage to get the class under control. Eventually the bell rang to release the class without so much as another presenter reading their segment. As soon as he heard the shrill ringing, Steven was out the door. He clutched his bag in front of his crotch and made a bee line for the bathroom. Steven quickly ducked into one of the stalls, hung his pack on the hook inside the door, and plopped his ass down on the toilet. He sat there for a moment and just stared in awe at his bulge. His package was beyond huge! His cock looked now far thicker than his arm, but he needed to be sure. He had to see the true size of it firsthand.

              Steven reached down and fished his bait and tackle out from the front of his shorts. Even just the sheer heft of his package amazed him. His cock was so heavy it was like hoisting a slab of beef, and his nuts were even more immense. Either hefty orb was like lifting a sack of flour. He had balls the size of extra ripe cantaloupe. If things kept going as they were going, his nuts would soon be big enough to take the prize at the state fair! Even just the thought of it made his already massive cock chub up a bit more.

              Steven silently chastised himself for finding his situation as hot as he did. He knew he should be horrified, not horny! And yet even as he grumbled under his breath, his cock steadily inflated in his hands. He was quickly flying at half-mast. His hands gripped his thick cock. His rod was so thick that he couldn’t even get his hands fully around it. His cock was thicker than his own neck! And as it got steadily harder and harder and stood upright in its full upright and locked position, Steven soon saw that it reached up to his chest. If it was just a little larger, he could lick the pre-drooling tip without even having to hunch over! Steven didn’t want to admit that the mere thought drove him wild, but the steady ramp up in pre made that painfully obvious.

              Steven was too far gone to stop then. The sheer amazement he felt as he stared down the barrel of his own cannon mixed with his hormones and drove him over the edge. All he wanted to do was see what his new and improved cock could do, and plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to get it back into his pants in its current state. One way or the other, he had to get it soft again, and the quickest way to do that would be to blast his spunk all over the stall.

              Steven hunched over and pressed his lips against the slit of his massive cock. Warm pre flooded his mouth. The taste of it, the sensation of his own mouth against his massive cock, the feeling of his colossal cock in his hands all conspired to make him hornier than he ever had been in his life. He almost creamed right then and there, but he managed to keep his load down. It wouldn’t do to blow so soon. He had plenty of time before his next class, and he wanted to savor this moment.

              Steven continued to suckle the tip of his own cock. He sucked down gulp after gulp of pre as he stroked his fat cock with both hands. He could feel his foreskin press against his face with each pump of his massive cock. He could feel his huge nuts swinging in time with his strokes. Feeling his kickball sized stones between his knees drove him wild. They were so huge and heavy. He loved how they felt, and in the back of his mind he found himself fantasizing about what it would be like if they were even larger.

              How large is too large? Is there even such a thing? In his hormone addled state, Steven couldn’t come up with an answer. All he knew was he was hornier than he had ever been, and he owed it all to his new and improved package. He had a cock beyond anything he had ever dreamed of. He had a dick to make even the biggest porn star gawk. Even just one of his nuts would completely eclipse the biggest porn stars entire cock and balls and then some!

              Steven knew he was reaching his limits. He could feel his massive balls tense up. He could feel his enormous cock shuddering in his hands. He wanted to hold back, but he knew it was a losing battle. He was just about to lean back and accept the climax when a sudden burst of clarity flooded his mind. If he came right then and there he was going to be drenched in spunk! On one hand that sounded hot as hell, but that small bit of clarity shining through the haze of his own arousal reminded him that if he coated himself in spunk, he’d have to attend his next class like that. Even so, part of Steven’s mind thought that sounded hot, but he still managed to fight for control of his own thoughts.

              Steven hopped up from his seat and aimed his massive cock at the toilet. His dick was so rigid that he couldn’t hope to push it far enough down to point at the bowl, so he had to lean over the toilet. He placed one hand against the far wall to steady himself and used the other hand to push his dick down. It took some finesse, but he managed to get in position before the dam broke, and when the dam broke, it broke hard!

              Steven was so flooded with carnal pleasure that he could barely stay standing. His whole body shuddered with orgasmic bliss as his massive balls pumped out shot after massive, gooey shot of spunk! Steven couldn’t believe how much he was cumming. Even with his new and improved cock and balls, the sheer volume of spunk was incredible. By the third spurt, Steven had completely filled the bowl! There was nothing Steven could do but watch in awe as his own cum began to spill over the rim. He just didn’t have any spare hands to reach the lever to flush it, and even if he did, he doubted it’d get the job done. His thick spunk would no doubt clog the pipes in short order. All he could do was continue to lean over the bowl and cum and cum again.

              Spunk slopped over the rim of the bowl and plopped onto the cold tile floor below. Spooge oozed outwards and gooshed into the neighboring stalls. Spunk pooled around Steven’s feet. He could feel the warm cum seeping through the canvas of his shoes, and still he kept cumming! By the time his wads finally began to taper off, there was a standing pool of spooge three inches thick in the bathroom.

              Steven was so winded that he wanted to collapse right then and there and bask in the afterglow, but that was not an option. For starters, there was nowhere for him to sit! The toilet was overflowing with spunk, and the floor was coated in jizz! The best he could hope for was to get out of the bathroom before anyone noticed the mess he had made and find somewhere else to collect his thoughts.

              Steven shoved his steadily deflating cock back into his shorts, slung his pack over his shoulder and plodded through the muck out of the bathroom and into the hall. He tried to act as casual as he could even as jizz seeped into the hall. Steven made pretty good time to his next destination. He had half a mind to place his pack over his crotch as he had done when he fled class earlier, but he decided not to. He was enjoying all the glances and stares he was getting from the student body. Seeing the awe in their faces filled him with no small amount of pride. The rush of pride also served to cause his cock to once again stir to life. Even though he had just flooded the bathroom with gallons upon gallons of cum, his balls seemed full all over again. Steven had half a mind to find another bathroom to destroy, but he knew he didn’t have that kind of time. His next class was coming up, and he couldn’t afford to miss the exam.

              Just thinking about the exam seemed to cause Steven’s exhaustion to come rushing back. Cumming like a firehose had really taken it out of him, not to mention the painful lack of sleep he was dealing with. It was obvious that if he hoped to get through the next class, he was going to need at least another can of Big Dick Energy.

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[aqvarius]

I hope the rmd mc for kasumi is a bit different cuz she rly be hittin on my last nerve and I don’t think she would rly v✨i✨b✨e with kasumi in her current given state

i’ve decided i need to play matsunaga and cc before getting a better sense of the eicu guys but honestly some of these recent asks feel like my own brain jumped out of my head and started sending me anon asks lmao bc i totally agree. anyway i know it’s a controversial opinion to not like the rmd mc and i’m TRYING to be fair and put aside my bias against her and try to analyse what exactly it is that i don’t like, but yeah i just don’t really find that she has romantic chemistry with the characters (that i’ve read, i.e. takado and hosho). not that anyone ever asked for this, buuuuuut this ask has basically triggered yet another mc rant so stop reading here or get ready and settle down with some popcorn lmao.

DISCLAIMER: this is all just my personal opinion! and i’m sure many of you will disagree with me. please place a “i think/believe/feel” before every claim i make as everything i say here is just my own feeling towards her. i also need to disclaim that i have only properly read takado and hosho’s routes (bc i’m still...mad at sen’s route, and i’ve only made it through one chapter of matsunaga so far) and i understand (and fully subscribe to) the idea that mcs read differently depending on the route as well. and as always, please don’t let my opinions affect your own enjoyment of any characters or titles that you love!

ALSO as i was writing this, i went back and read my previous rant about her and i realised that i’m more or less reiterating the same points i made there but in a (hopefully) more structured and slightly more developed manner whoops. 

so here’s almost 3000 words and a whole bunch of screenshots under the cut because i don’t want to spam everyone’s dashboards with my unprompted Opinions(tm).

so anyway i’ve been thinking it’s a translation/tone thing. when i have the time/energy, i might sit down and really try to analyse the actual language, but just going off my intuition, i think maybe it’s because:

1. sometimes they choose to express something idiomatically and so that tone doesn’t come across as sincere. this isn’t a real example, but let’s think about the difference in tone between “oh no!” and “yikes”. because of modern day vernacular, we kind of associate “yikes” with a sarcastic and judgmental tone, whereas “oh no!” might connote a more genuinely concerned reaction. so sometimes i think that the use of very contemporary vernacular (which, lbr, trends towards a more sarcastic tone in general bc us gen z kids are mean) results in a lack of sincerity which makes the mc come across as a little more callous and less... actually kind and nice? i did get the feeling that hlitf mc has recently swayed towards this sort of tone as well and suspected that they had the same translator (which was confirmed later in a voltage Q&A). i’m definitely #biased but i can forgive this more because we had a good amount of content with her being adorable before the tone switch so i have a pre-established impression of her in my mind. 

by the way, i just want to say that while i do have this critique, i do really admire and respect the voltage translation and localisation team (and am... super indebted to them) and i do think they do fantastic translations generally. 

anyway, i believe this linguistic issue is at least partially responsible for my personal perception of the rmd mc’s personality that i expand on in the succeeding points, but my next point has more to do with the writing and characterisation of the most recent wave of mcs.

2. rmd mc has very few visible vulnerabilities. i think this is one of my biggest qualms with the new title mcs like rmd, destind and mk but i think stories are at their best when you get to see the mc fail and be vulnerable and wallow. the reason why i love certain mcs - particularly the ones whose titles and storylines centre around their careers (hlitf, irresistible mistakes, my last first kiss, scandal, celebrity darling, kiss of revenge, sleepless, otbs, arguably msb, etc.) - is because we get to see them fail and then grow. not only that, but you often get to see the relationship between the mc and the love interest deepen in these moments. but if you have a ‘perfect’ mc, then there’s no room for growth, so plotlines are forced to fall back on drama and trauma on the love interest’s side which... is exactly what rmd and mk do. 

this is not to say that rmd mc doesn’t make mistakes, because she certainly does, but i don’t find that they’re ever genuinely serious mistakes. for example, think about hlitf mc’s repeated mistake in season 1 of going after small crimes without seeing the bigger picture and thus potentially messing up an entire investigation. they allow her that space to mess up and be completely wrong for public safety. then they give her the time to be self-reflective and run away back to nagano really think about what her mistakes are, and where to go from there. she is confronted with humbling failure, and is forced to address issues about her own pride/ego, and matures into someone who has a more nuanced idea about justice. on the other hand, rmd mc never has to (consistently, afaik) go through a genuinely humbling experience, so she her pride/ego/arrogance never gets seriously called into question. maybe this is because the premise of rmd has to do with life and death and they don’t want to make it seem like she’s directly responsible for someone’s death, but hlitf also deals with life and death issues and the mc learns that if she messes up to save one civilian, she may actually be jeopardising the lives of tens or hundreds or more. 

anyway, taking takado’s route as an example, because this was our exposure to her as a character, the most frustrating thing is the way that she tries to lecture takado that he’s wrong about his attitude towards amputations, and never actually has to personally experience the potentially disastrous consequence of putting her ideology into practice. i think i would have enjoyed the route a lot more if she had gone over his head and naively made the decision not to do an amputation and then the person ended up dying or having to have a larger section amputated all because she was like uwu we can’t just cut off people’s limbs without waiting. i think if that situation had happened, we could have seen her actually have to confront her own naiveté and realise that she’s a noob and too idealistic and that reading a lot of medical journals does not translate to having actual field experience and intuition and who is she to question him like that when she knows nothing. she only realises that omg... we may have to consider some things with something called nuance... basically when more of takado’s backstory is revealed.  

(maybe this is because i work in academia so it extra-frustrates me, but omg if i had to one-on-one mentor a student like her, i would genuinely go nuts. she reminds me of some students that some colleagues and i have had where they  “well, actually” at everything you say bc they read some stuff on reddit or twitter that has absolutely not been proven through practical application of, or research conducted through the lens of, their theory. like imagine i told my advisors “despite being experts in [their respective fields] and having written numerous very important books, you’re wrong because i don’t agree but i have never myself conducted proper research to counter that!!”)

basically i wish they treated takado’s route like kaga’s routes (bc lbr takado and kaga are maybe... the same person?). look at the self-reflection here:

and here:

she does get down on herself at times, but look at the way that she humbly accepts her mistakes. sometimes she wallows on her mistakes, as anyone would, but look at the way she examines her failures and turns that feeling of inadequacy into motivation to work harder and smarter. 

by the way, these screenshots are from his ms1 and ms2 - so pretty early on - and we get to see her learn from these mistakes because she’s allowed to make them. we also get to learn more about kaga’s strictness and his kindness because of these mistakes.

i don’t know if the whole refusal to allow rmd mc to make significant errors is a response to readers who are like “omg.... why are voltage mcs so weak, why can’t they be perfect women who never get anything wrong” but ANYWAY i just feel like they never confront or address her hubris properly. 

3. following on from point 2, i find her one-dimensional. i’ve mentioned this before in a rant, but i don’t find her to be a very deep character bc to me, she reads as mostly surface level sass. i said: “her dialogue with them often reads as like they put 100 points in “snark” and 0 points in any other personality trait” lmao. so she’s great in one-off screenshots where you can see her bite back with a very screenshottable one-liner, but i find it tiring to have 30 chapters of her just literally running her mouth. because of this constant tone that they keep giving her, i find it really difficult to see any emotional depth in her character. because she’s the perspective character, her internal dialogue is just as, if not more, important as the love interest’s external dialogue in terms of carrying the emotional weight of falling in love, and i just don’t understand how there’s any sense of two people falling in love and getting to know each other when every sentence out of her mouth is just sass. can you imagine you meet someone and you get to know them but never have any genuine conversations bc every line out of your mouth is sarcastic? like your date is opening up and telling you about some difficulties he’s going through (which i’m sure you all know is a very vulnerable and scary thing to do) and instead of being empathetic and kind and understanding, you’re just like “sucks to be you dude”. and instead of saying “you don’t need to carry everything on your shoulders”, you say “you’re STUBBORN and i’m RIGHT”. OF COURSE i’m being kind of hyperbolic here (not even that much tho, see screenshots below) but that’s basically the tone she constantly takes. 

so when takado opens up about the rina thing, instead of being like “oh shit i’ve been judging him all this time and i’m genuinely sorry because i didn’t know a thing about you and yet i’ve been running my mouth”, she says “your head is as hard as a rock ya know?” and then KEEPS GOING. 

where’s the empathy sis? where is it? i’m looking but i can’t find it.

EVEN TAKADO WAS LIKE “I WAS TRYING TO TALK SERIOUSLY ABOUT IT”

and then the writers just push off her rudeness as like “it’s okay it’s chill!! takado laughed about it afterwards and it made the issue sound insignificant!!” even tho it’s obviously an extremely traumatic thing? WHY does he even fall in love with her??? i don’t UNDERSTAND alsdkfjs she has NO FEELINGS!! i just want genuinely romantic moments... is that too much to ask... it’s called romance md...

once again, let’s compare that to hlitf mc, when she finds out about kaga’s trauma. literally the FIRST reaction she has is to consider his feelings.

without even hearing his side of the story, she defends him because she trusts him and immediately empathises with him and the first thing she does is try to understand him and where he’s coming from. 

later on, when she hears him just dismissing things and playing callous, she actually cries on his behalf, which shocks him because he’s not used to people caring about him:

isn’t that a MASSIVE difference in reaction to essentially the same character opening up about their trauma? which do you find more conducive to developing emotional intimacy? in my opinion, it’s so much easier to fall in love with someone who supports you and has your back and trusts and believes in you and tries to understand you and can have a genuinely caring conversation with you when you need it. by the way, it’s not like kaga’s mc doesn’t sass him either! they have great bantery chemistry and she shit-talks him ALL THE TIME (a lot of the time under her breath and he’s like HUH? it’s great). 

and yet... we still actively see her caring about him... instead of being like WHOOPS my tongue slipped, i can’t help that i’m naturally insubordinate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

by the way, i’m not trying to put the onus on female characters/heroines to be caring/empathetic/kind/loving. i’m putting the onus on ALL characters to be caring/empathetic/kind/loving in their own ways if we’re supposed to be convinced that they’re falling in romantic love. sure, kaga’s mc is exceptionally loving but kaga returns that love with his own ALL the time ;~~; anyway i’m gonna stop talking about them for now bc otherwise i would just completely derail and keep going on and on about them. 

anyway, back to takado, i actually find him to be more caring and loving than his mc? i actually genuinely like takado as a character and i think that real life me and him would be great together so i’m like extra offended that he’s with her rather than ME??? i would treat him so much better. 

i consider this lack of emotional depth to actually be a bigger hindrance on my enjoyment of the game than the lack of flaws thing. voltage’s recent wave of mcs with the love choice titles have been trending towards the ‘perfect woman’ type of mc, but while i have some Thoughts(tm) here and there about the other protagonists, none of them strike me as being as hard to get along with as rmd’s mc. so i’ve mentioned my issue with the masukisu mc’s weird moral boundaries (more an overall voltage issue that manifests the most strongly in her character), but i also do find that they don’t let her make big mistakes and they present her as this perfect superwoman figure with no weaknesses which like... unrelatable. but at least her banter is flirty banter and there’s a lot of chemistry there (even if it’s sometimes lacking emotional depth, as in some of kazuomi’s scenes - and that’s not her fault, that’s 100% on kazuomi lol). you can definitely understand why they’re attracted to each other at least, and you can definitely see real, deep love form between her and yuzuru the most. even though the masukisu mc is a ‘perfect woman’, the premise is designed to spark relationship conflict and the writing really helps us understand the emotional turmoil of falling in love with a target because of how much it lets the mc dwell on it. destind too basically has a perfect mc in terms of work/career, but they let her have her very glaring weaknesses and, once again, the premise forces her to address her shortcomings with regards to her idealistic view on soulmates/destiny and explores the head vs heart thing where she has to really examine her emotions and how they potentially come into conflict with her preconceptions of and preoccupation with numerical compatibility. 

thinking about it objectively, i feel like takado’s mc and mlfk ayato’s mc have a couple of similarities in the way that they don’t realise they’re in love for the longest time (although obviously childhood friends to lovers provides a better context for not realising that love - same with my boi natsume), but there’s just something lovable about mlfk’s mc that i don’t see in rmd. without going too deeply into it bc (1) i’m tired and (2) i’ve been going on about this for WAY too long now, i think that comes back to tone or writing (and possibly translation) style. i think at some point, i might actually go and compare the language in the “omg am i in love...?” scenes between takado’s mc, ayato’s mc and natsume’s mc but uh... not tonight haha. 

actually, at some point, i genuinely wondered if rmd mc was aromantic. i really just thought she did not experience romantic attraction because i literally got no sense of it through her internal monologue bc they kept pushing the whole like “i only relate to people’s ~aesthetics~” thing. and then i wondered how they were going to make an aromantic mc fall in romantic love...? because... it’s an otome game? (btw i’m not saying that aro people can’t enjoy otoge, i definitely know people who do! but there’s a big diff between someone playing an otoge vs someone being a character falling in romantic love in an otoge. but please call me out if i’m misunderstanding aromanticism!). anyway, long story short, rmd mc (takado’s especially) falling in love is absolutely unconvincing to me because i find her dialogue - both internal and external - rather unfeeling. 

these three points (1. translation that favours colloquialism over communicating emotional tone; 2. characterisation of a hubristic mc who doesn’t need to overcome significant challenges; 3. lack of emotional depth and empathy/understanding) are basically why i don’t think that she has good romantic chemistry with the love interests in romance md that i’ve read so far. i also have some very petty personal gripes (sekai...........) but they’re not relevant to this particular topic and frankly just... really petty so i don’t want to get into them here.

so anyway, long story short: i agree that i don’t think she would really vibe with kasumi in her current given state. like, they could be friends, maybe.

[earnest-jumping]

For the asks— do all the even numbers!

107.58

That’s so long, fuck- ok here we go!

2. I am outgoing until I can’t mask anymore, or I have a sensory overload.

4 I like to think I am easy to get along with!

6 ,,,Attracted as in romantically? I have no idea. But in a platonic way, similar interests, concern for my wellbeing and happiness, understanding and knowing of my limits and able to compromise!

8 Real life, no one. But Drake Mallard lives rent free in my mind

10 My roommate! We are very similar in many ways and we have some similar backgrounds, so we talk often about them and everything going on right now as well.

12 current 5 favorite songs: Vices by Mothica, Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers, A Letter To Time by Livingston, Peace by Taylor Swift, and Cherry Wine by Hozier!

14 I believe in miracles. This world is too random and spontaneous for things people deem miracles to not be, ya know? But I don’t believe in luck. Circumstance plays into it, as well as pure chance.

16 Oh, fuck no. I would not kiss them again

18 My guy I can’t even tell you what was really a crush and what was heteronormativity forced on me from grade school onward. So... no?

20 I live in a dorm and I fuckin love my neighbors rn. On one side they’re both enby like me, and on the other they’re super sweet and polite!

22 I really want to visit Europe. Classic american answer, yeah, but I love history and theirs is so much more interesting than ours

24 My favorote part of my daily routine (that is consistent, student teaching and classes are nuts) is spending time doing homework and hanging out with my roommate at the end of each day, before she goes in to work the night shift. It’s calm and gives us a chance to catch up!

26 When I wake up I usually groan and fall back asleep for another ten minutes. I make sure to have a few alarms set so I don’t sleep through the morning!

28 My roommate. We’ve known each other for three years and she doesn’t judge me or make me feel uncomfy- it’s really nice as someone with autism to be able to live in close, constant contact with someone who you trust and are comfortable around!

30 Hmm...maybe? Marriage isn’t something I’ve ever truly thought about in a realistic sense- sure, I’d imagine a wedding and what mine would look like if I had one. But I’ve never imagined actually GETTING married to someone.

32 I will not have a threesome with celebrities because I am ~traumatised~ and do not like sexual intimacy

34 I don’t play sports, but when I was little I was part of a gymnastics class!

36 I have indeed liked someone and never told them. It was honestly for the better lmao

38 I don’t think I can really describe a dream person? I’m not very keen on having a list to check off when looking for a partner. If anything, though, I’d say trustworthy and caring.

40 I’m already out of high school lol. I’m in my junior year majoring in Early Childhood/Special Education!

42 Being extremely quiet for me usually means sensory overload, depressive thoughts, or my rejection sensitive dysphoria rearing its ugly head. Most of the time its a mix of the three.

44 Trip to puter space > bottom of the ocean, any day. DEEP SEA SCARES ME!

46 I’m paranoid that everything I’ve ever done in my life is all for naught, and I’ve faked everything about myself subconsciously.

48 I have been drunk before! My seven year old self accidentally drank a full margarita instead of the kiddie version my grandma made with sprite instead of alcohol.

50 The color of the last hoodie I wore was grey!

52 One thing I wish I could change about myself is I wish I didn’t have so much weight. It’s not fun trying to navigate the world as an afab nonbinary person with people telling you it’s “just because you don’t like your body”.

54 My favorite store is Walmart for groceries (broke college students holla) and Torrid for clothes! (They have cuter stuff than anywhere else, and carry my size always)

56 My favorite color is Blue! Kind of a dark sky blue, like sky blue 3 or 4

58 I just had some Hershey’s candy drops as the last thing I ate!

60 In fourth and fifth grade I won two school writing competitions and got a trophy for it 😌 I wrote about the Titanic (thank you special interest)!

62 I have never been arrested, and I’m not planning on it any time soon lol

64 My first kiss was a dare and I hated every second of it cause the guy was an ass about it until it happened (he’d been badgering me for weeks)

66 Uhh I’m gonna be honest and say no? As much as I love my tumblr friends (ayy hi guys) I’ve known my friends in real life for longer and those bonds are just, amazing and so strong.

68 Tumblr > Twitter, any day.

70 my best friends’ names are: Emili, Autumn, Maggie, and Erin

72 My towels are grey

74 I have many stuffed animals- uh probably seven or eight.

76 Not answering this one lmao

78 My favorote ice cream clavor is Graham Central Station from this place called Bruster’s! It’s really good.

80 I am wearing blue pajama pants because ~comfy~

82 My favorite movie is Coraline! I watch it repeatedly

84 Mean Girls > 21 Jump Street

86 Nemo is my favorite character from Finding Nemo!

88 The last person I talked to today was my roommate

90 I love my baby brother Reid!

92 I am not currently in a fight with anyone.

94 I own three sweaters/hoodies- I need to get more!

96 My favorote actress is and always will be Kiera Knightley.

98 I do not tan a lot- naturally or artificially. I just burn #whitepeopleproblems

100 I am feeling *tired*. A bitch is exhausted today

102 I regret everything from my past

104 I don’t tend to miss people that much? I’m not good with emotional connections to people that last after they’re gone.

106 I feel like I’ve broken my mother’s heart- for coming out, for rebelling, etc.

108 I should be working on homework but I am not.

110 I have indeed liked someone so much it hurt- in the sense that liking them was not good for me and led to a lot of heartache.

112 The last person I cried in front of was my parents, and it was not on purpose lmao

114 I’ve been out of my state lots- Florida, South and North Carolina, West Virgina, Delaware, Massachusetts.

116 Nope, not currently listening to music.

118 I fuckin LOVE chinese food

120 I used to be afraid of the dark, not anymore. I love it now.

122 Cheating is NEVER okay.

124 I do not believe in love at first sight- I barely believe in love 🤷🏼

126 I am indeed currently bored

128 I would love to change my name- legally and personally. I’m not sure “Ryn” is suitable anymore

130 I don’t like subway. Not a fan of sub sandwiches

132 The last person I had a deep conversation with is my roommate

134 Pfft, no. I can’t count to one million my brain wouldn’t focus that long

136 Due to the fact I live in a community dorm hall, I sleep with my door closed and ~locked~

138 Straight hair

140 Winter > Summer

142 My favorite month is October! Atlanta Pride, my birthday, and Halloween! Plus it starts getting colder!

144 Dark>Milk>White chocolate, in that order

146 Since it’s now morning, yes today has been a good day so far

148 My favorite quote is anything that has to do with being a decent fucking human being

150 The first line of the page is “You were right”.

[purplesurveys]

647

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? I’ve never gone on Pinterest for reasons other than looking for interior design ideas lmao, so no. I’m no good at crafts anyway so it’s not like looking at Pinterest will make me feel good or motivated. Do you get scrapbooking layout ideas from anywhere? I don’t do scrapbooking, but if I do start (and I’ve always wanted to), I’d definitely get some tips from the internet or from people I know who are artsy. What do you do to wipe off the dust from ordinary life? Drink. Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? I wish I knew everything, no matter how bad the news may be. What do you do when someone irritates you on Facebook? Unfriend them, duh. I could still see them in real life anyway, but I can very much hate their presence online enough to unfriend/block them haha.

Are you judgmental? If I meet a person for the first time only after I’ve heard a couple of stuff about them, I might judge them for a bit yeah. Then I’ll brush it off first and see if they really are what I was told they’d be. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? I’ve never had it dyed, so I wouldn’t know if it looks better. Do your parents disrespect you? My mom does; and she’s typically a disrespectful person. My dad’s pretty chill. Have you found that love covers over a multitude of sins? Sure. People just have to watch out and make sure love doesn’t reach such a point that it ends up becoming a cover-up for toxic behavior. What was the last Grand Opening you went to? Popeye’s HAHAHAHAHA. They opened their (second) first branch in the country around a year ago and we didn’t have classes that day, so we went. Do you have anything coming up tomorrow? No Monday classes for me, so the day would just consist of me doing schoolwork at home, or in a coffee shop, or whatever works for tomorrow. What's one thing that makes your stomach hurt? DAIRY. I’m having milk tea right now and it is a nightmare. But it tastes so good, so lactose town it is. Ever had a living nightmare? You mean the last 22 years of my life? Sure. Do you have a lot of haters? Idk, it’s possible but I don’t worry about that kinda stuff.

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? Of course. People are alllllllllways envious. Do you have supernatural abilities? No. Do you kick yourself when you make mistakes? Do you say, "I wish I would have" a lot? Yeah I do this a lot. It drives my girlfriend nuts and she hates when I start on could have/should have rants, but it’s my thought process most days. Are you doing the most you can with your life? 'The most’ is probably pushing it. I know I can still do more like join contests, volunteer, be in more orgs, etc. but it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy where I am and with what I’ve done. I can still call myself satisfied, and I hope it means I’ve been doing something right. Do you let people walk on you? No. At least I don’t think so. Are you ok? Thanks for asking :’) I could be better, but at least I’m functioning and that’s better than being a vegetable in bed all day. Do you have a friend you miss right now? Yeah, I always miss Angela. Do you ever write snail mail to your friends? We don’t do that anymore dude. Do you make your life look better than it is on Facebook? Yeah. There’s like this quiet mutual understanding among people (at least in my generation) that Facebook is for impressing your relatives and showing how good of a life you have, and Twitter is where you air out your sadness and rants and all the mess in your personal life haha. Do you feel God's presence regularly? There is no presence to be felt. Do you experience chronic pain? Nope. Do you believe God loves you and is rooting for you? Don’t need anyone else other than my friends and myself to do both of those for me. Have you ever dreamt that you were falling? I’ve never dreamt it but I’d sometimes get that sensation when I would almost fall asleep. What would your dream career be? Lawyer. If I wasn’t such a fucking crybaby in arguments I think I’d survive law school just fine HAHA. Are you a daydreamer? Sure. Do you daydream so much that you wonder if there's anyone who doesn't?  Not really. I just daydream when I’m bored. Do you ever just sit and daydream for awhile?  ^ Again, only when I’m bored. Is the snow falling where you are right now? Snow has never fallen in the Philippines. What is your favorite part of nature? Mountains, and the spectacular views they can give. Do you wish you could be a world traveler? Sure. Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? I wish I could migrate to another country – that’s how much I want to get out of here. What city would you like to visit? I’m eyeing Bangkok for my next trip abroad if that’s ever going to happen :) What has been your favorite city that you've visited? Locally, Vigan or Sagada. Abroad... probably Bali. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? I’m definitely going to be that parent who takes my kids every year and lets them wear whatever costume they’d want. Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character's autograph? No. Do you own a birthday crown? I had a tiara for my 7th birthday party, but I’m not sure if my mom was able to keep it. How long does it usually take your hair to dry? Do you dry it naturally or blow-dry it? I have it dry naturally because I get bored blow-drying it. It usually takes an hour or two. Do you straighten your hair? No. I have bad experiences with that because as a kid/teenager, my mom would force me to have my hair rebonded even if I never wanted to have it done to my hair; so these days, when someone asks if I prefer my hair to be straightened, I shudder and say no. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No and I never did. I was never into stuffed toys. Would you consider yourself a free spirit? To an extent, I guess. I do enjoy being independent and trying out new things, but I always want people to be with me along the way. If I’m gonna travel the world, I need a travel buddy. If I’m gonna go hiking in Sagada, I’d feel better having a companion. If I’m gonna try worms or bugs for the first time, it’s always nicer having someone who’s just as daring when it comes to food. I’m basically a free spirit who never wants to feel lonely, haha. Do you need to clean out your closet? I need to refold some of my clothes, but otherwise I know where everything is. Do you watch YouTube videos regularly? Yeah, I watch at least one video a day. What's your favorite coffee shop? Starbucks will always be my first love for their ambience, but Coffee Bean is pretty great too. Is your Pinterest page cluttered? It’s not used at all. Do you want to start a collection? Yes, I always said I would start collecting all sorts of WWF/E memorabilia once I’m able to afford having a steadily-growing collection. My future house is definitely gonna have its own ~man cave~ except it’ll be for wrestling merch, and it’ll have its own TV and sound system too for when I want to hide from the world and just find solace in wrestling. Are you a role model? Would you consider yourself a good example? I’ve had people say they look up to me for certain traits, but this isn’t something I actively try to become. I have bad habits and vices of my own, so I definitely don’t endorse myself as a role model. But if I can help people in other aspects, then that’s more than alright with me. Are you a leader or a follower? Follower. I like being a leader whenever I can, but there’s too much pressure in being the leader all the time. Who's your favorite person? My girlfriend, durrr. Who have been your favorite American Idol contestants? Siobhan Magnus, Adam Lambert, and Pia Toscano. Did you used to name your Barbies? No. I never liked playing with Barbies either. I think I only ever got one Barbie doll as a present, and it’s because I always preferred playing with toys for boys given that I grew up with mostly male cousins. What unnatural hair color looks best on you?  I’m not sure. I’ve wanted to dye my hair either red or green, though. Is your life boring? No. It’s certainly picked up in the last few months. Do you usually feel better around people or alone? I do great for both situations. It depends on what I need at a particular time. Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? There’s a broken relationship, but I have no desire to fix it. Do you ever think about Heaven? A part of me finds a level of solace in the idea of getting reunited with lost loved ones when I die, but I mostly think there’s no afterlife. Are you ready for Heaven yet? Are you afraid of where you're going to go? No. I’d like to think I’ll end up somewhere in the universe, and it’s enough to calm me down. Do you have a tree outside your window? Yes, but it’s dark and we have curtains so I can barely see the trees. Do you feel better now than you did last night? I wouldn’t say that, even though I’m feeling okay tonight. I was with Gabie last night, which automatically makes last night better. Is your sleep schedule messed up? It’s still a little bit distorted, yeah. But I’m not too worried about it because at least all my classes this sem start at 10 AM, which means I get to sleep in unlike last sem when I had 7 AM/8:30 AM classes :) Does your body have any problems with it? It gets tired during the day because I’d usually take naps in the afternoon, but it doesn’t affect me too badly. Are you doing ok spiritually? I don’t think about that aspect. Have you taken any huge risks lately? I had a long, blunt talk with Gab last night and it involved topics regarding our relationship that have long been denied and shelved finally acknowledged and let out in the open; and I think that in itself is a big step to take. Silence or songs? I can prefer either depending on my mood. Tea or coffee? Coffee. Books or movies? 10 year old me would say books. Today me would say movies. Do you ever watch your favorite movies from when you were a kid? Yes. I do a Toy Story rewatch at least once a year. ^If you were going to do that, what would you watch? Mostly Disney movies like Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Game Plan, etc. Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? Call them out. Do you have trouble staying organized? Yeah, but then again I’m messy-organized so even though I find it hard to maintain being organized, I still end up remember where everything is placed (most of the time). What has been your most favorite adventure? Walking around Bali and my family not knowing where the hell we were or where we were headed. What has been your greatest mistake? I hate questions like this. Are you happy with your life right now? I’m like 75% happy with it, which I’d say is a decently healthy amount. Do you take anything to make your feel better? No. Are your parents still together? Yes. What color socks do you have on? Currently barefoot. Are you under a blanket right now? Nope. It’d be nice to be that right now, though. Are you hopeful? Always.

[rfsak2]

Cactus, Part XI

I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter. Hope you enjoy this too!! Drop me a line and hit that little heart on the bottom. I need your love and affection...

Cactus, Part XI Summary: Support. Harry/Jamie Warnings: A jerk who says jerk things.

She sighed and rubbed her eyes. She’d had a migraine all day.

She appreciated rock. She loved it in all it’s many forms: soft, glam, indie, grunge, she even veered into the land of 80s hard rock every once and awhile. She loved music.

But as with everything in life, she was allowed to have a preference and screamo just wasn’t hers. Especially when the bloody band’s guitarist didn’t know the first thing about writing melodies or playing them for them for that matter.

Hence why she was brought in.

Not that the guitarist appreciated it.

He didn’t. Loudly and obviously.

“I don’t need help from some upgraded groupie.”

The producer grit his teeth and frowned. “You do if you want to make a debut album that does anything, if you want to make music that someone will listen to. You need a melody. Right now all you have is a mush of noise that doesn’t make any s-”

“That’s what it’s supposed to sound like.”

“Well right now, it doesn’t sound like anything. Even your average screamo fan isn’t going to be into this.”

“Good!” He threw his hands in the air. “It’s not for public consumption. It’s art.”

The producer rolled his eyes. “You dumbass, welcome to being signed to a major label. There is no such thing as ‘not for public consumption’. If you’d wanted that you should’ve stayed with your indie label.”

She sighed. “Look, I’m not here to do your job or change-”

“No you’re just here to steal my place in the band.”

She rolled her eyes. “I have two bands, I don’t need another one, promise. I just-”

“Want to find another man to-”

The lead singer stepped forward. “Hey, man that’s not necessary.”

“Don’t need another one of those either.”

“Look, bitch, just because you suck some fam-

The producer shoved to his feet. “That is out of line! The-”

She held her hand up and stood, setting her guitar in its stand. “Look, dude. I don’t give a fuck about your opinion my relationship. Couldn’t really careless and it’s none of your bloody business. Also has absolutely nothing to do with this. I’m a guitarist and a fuckin’ good one. I can help you, but I won’t if you don’t want it. It’s fine. No skin off my nose. I get paid either way.”

The lead singer nodded. “I want her help.”

She looked at the guitarist, who shrugged. “Don’t want any watered down fake-psychedelics on this record. Don’t want none of that pop shit.”

“C’mon, man, even you were busting a nut over some of the solos she wrote for Styles.”

“Co-wrote, with our friend Mitch, by the way.” She shrugged. “It’s up to you though. I can help. Write ya a couple melodies and get right back out of your hair. But it’s up to you.”

The guitarist made a noise in his throat. “Fine. I don’t like whammy though. And I play exclusively on heavy strings. Like the sound better.”

She turned away to grab her guitar and rolled her eyes, who did this fucker think he was? The next Slash? She shot a look at the producer who gave her an apologetic shrug.  “Duly noted. Let’s do this shit.”

Later, migraine still sitting heavily behind her eyes, she stopped at the Whole Foods. Harry was due back today after a week in New York for a photo shoot. The only food they had in the house currently was junk food and the poor boy would be exhausted, she should get some real food in him.

She was was trying to decide if the broccoli looked fresher than the zucchini when her phone rang. FaceTime audio, meant he was still on the plane’s wifi.

“‘ello, beautiful monster.”

She smiled. Two years and she still couldn’t get enough of him. His voice still made the center of her chest warm, still made her want to bury her face in his shoulder, let him wrap himself completely around her. The way she was currently feeling, mutual bathtime was on the list tonight. “Hey gorgeous boyfriend of mine.”

He chuckled. “God I miss yeh, woman. Need yeh… badly. Gonna bury myself so deep in yeh when I get home…”

“I missed ya too.” She felt her cheeks heat and she turned her phone down. “But you need to be careful with all that, baby. Don’t need PhoneSex-gate part two.”

She could practically hear the one-hundred watt stunner on his face. “No one around te hear, love. Promise.”

“You’re in a flying metal tube. Not really anywhere to not hear ya.” She smiled. “So cool your jets and we’ll follow up on that suggestion when ya get home.”

“They are never cool when it comes to you, y’know that. But, I’m gonna hold yeh to that… and to me.”

She snorted. “Was that a pun? Not your best work, Hazza.”

He sighed. “I’m tired and horny for yeh, love, give me a break. Still in studio?”

She shook her head forgetting that he couldn’t see her. “No. I’m at Whole Foods. Any requests for welcome home dinner?”

“You.”

She flushed again. “Haz… I’m serious.”

He chuckled again, the sound deeper and a little more stimulating. “So am I, love. Just wantcha. Don’t much care about what else happens tonight.”

She smiled. “Should I just get take-out then? I’ll grab some breakfast stuff and I can make breakfast in the morning.”

“What time d’yeh have to be in studio tomorrow?”

“Don’t. The guitarist is an asshole and the producer’s givin’ him a day to cool off.” She sucked her tongue. “Not gonna help much. Can’t cure bein’ a prick.”

He was quiet for a minute and she knew her very astute boy was putting two and two together from past conversations. “What did he do?”

“Don’t worry about it, baby. It’s handled. What do you want for breakfast?”

“What did he do, Jamie?”

She sighed. “Hazza-”

“Don’t Hazza me. What did he do and how long has he been doin’ it?”

She fought against the migraine and the exhaustion that tempted her with snapping something rude at him. She knew he was just trying to help. “He’s just… just bein’ a twat, y’know? Doesn’t want help obviously and his only response to that is to-”

“Harass you?”

“Not physically.”

“What did he say?”

“Just bitchy comments about our relationship, Hazza. I swear, it’s not a big deal.”

He huffed. “Because if it was, you’d tell me, right, pretty girl? You’d tell me.”

“Of course. If I didn’t feel like it was under cont-”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s under control or not, love. I want te know.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t like it when you give in so easily, monster. Don’t trust it. Just means you’re not planning on doin’ it.”

She laughed. “It’s just not a-”

“Don’t say it again, love. It is a big deal. It’s a big deal that yer being harassed in yer workplace because of yer relationship with me. It’s a very big deal. To me, at least.”

“It’s just…” She sighed.

“Just what, love?”

“There’s not much that can be done. If someone wants to be a pig-headed jackass and comment on somethin’ that isn’t his business, he’s gonna do it. All I can do is defend myself.” She shrugged.

“I can defend you, love. And if they’re not willing to listen to you, they will definitely listen to me. Why else was I blessed with height and a deep, scary voice, if not to knock some sense into chauvinists?

“That is a valid point and you know that I appreciate your chauvinist-knocking skills. But I can’t have my rich, famous boyfriend steppin’ in to fight all my battles, baby. Ruins my street cred.”

He laughed and she felt like the conversation was back on track. “Fine. Okay. I want waffles and bananas and bacon, British bacon, none of that crunchy American shite.”

She chuckled. “Okay. That I can do. When do you land?”

“Within the hour at this point.”

“Okay, we left your Rover in its normal spot. What do you want for dinner, gorgeous?”

“Thank you, love. Chinese?” He yawned. “From that one really good place in Chinatown?”

She smiled. “Yeah, I can do that-”

“Excuse me…?”

She jumped, almost dropping her phone, and turned toward the girl. “Yeah?”

“Who’s tha’, love?”

“You’re Jamie Schwartz, right? Harry Styles’ girlfriend?”

She nodded sort of dumbly. She didn’t think she’d ever get used to the fact that people, people who were not related to the music industry at all, knew her name.

“Jamie?”

“Are you on the phone with him?” The girl edged closer and Jamie took a step back, almost tripping over the low shelf of the vegetable aisle.

“Jaime? Are yeh okay?”

She nodded and then remembered, he couldn’t see her. “Yeah… I’m fine, baby. Just a fan. Just a second.” She smiled at the girl. “Yeah. I’m Jamie. What’s your name?”

“Candace.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” She shook the girl’s hand. “Sorry about that. I’ve a bit of a migraine. Makes me a little slow on the uptake.”

The girl shrugged. “I just wanted to say that the BTS of the tour is fantastic and you all looked like you had a blast.”

“BTS?”

“Behind the Scenes.”

The video of all the random shit they did to keep busy on the tour. She smiled. Harry had sent it out via youtube and twitter not long ago. Twitter fuckin’ imploded.

He hadn’t even really intended to ever release something like that, in fact most of it was shot on someone or another’s iPhone, not by his professional photography team, but so much of it had been legitimate comedic gold and it just seemed unfair to keep it to themselves.

It had everything from dance numbers (chiefly from The Best Song Ever music video complete with everyone wearing one of Harry’s big cheesy grins) and compilations of her and Mitch’s Riff-Offs, band members falling asleep in random places (shot mostly by Harry) and of her saying ‘Let’s do this shit’ over and over again… set to a sick drum beat laid down by Sarah.

It really was great.

Jaime smiled. “Oh. Yeah, we did have a blast. Fun group to tour with.”

“I think Harry may be the most extra person alive.”

“He has his moments.” Jamie smiled. “He can be dramatic but it keeps life interesting.”

“I am not dramatic!”

She grinned at the girl who probably couldn’t hear Harry and spoke into the phone. “Yes, you are, baby. But I do love you anyways.”

Candace smiled. “I also wanted to tell you that… I know you’ve gotten some hate from the fand- from his fans, that some people have said some really horrible things about you, but most of us love you and think you’re great and we want you two to be happy.” She took a deep breath. “We all, the normal fans, we all think he seems like he’s the happiest we’ve ever seen him. I want to thank you for that.”

Jamie smiled and set the broccoli that she’d been holding this whole time down. She held her arms out and wrapped Candace up in a hug. “Thank you, Candace. That is very much appreciated.”

She nodded and waved before quietly excusing herself.

“What did she say, love?”

Jamie smiled. “She said that they think you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. And then she thanked me for it. Sweet girl.”

She placed the take-out order as soon as Harry had to hang up to land. She made it home maybe ten minutes before he did, popping the cork on a bottle of wine and letting it breathe almost as soon as the grocery bags hit the counter.

She had just put the groceries away when she heard the door open. She smiled and made for the foyer, pausing in the archway to watch him toe off a boot. He was holding their take-out, plastic bag containing those distinctive cartons and he smiled at her.

“Come ‘ere, gorgeous woman.” He set the bag down and opened his arms. He caught her as she all but threw herself at him. Wrapping her legs around him, she sighed into his neck.

“I missed you, baby.”

He grinned and squeezed her tighter. “Ah… my pretty, little monster. I missed yeh too.”

“Even though it’s only been a week?” She leaned back and cupped his face in her hands.

Pursing his lips for a kiss, he nodded. “After the first five minutes, darling.”

She smiled and leaned in for the kiss. “I love you.”

“Love yeh too.” He carried her into the kitchen and set her on the counter, almost knocking over to open wine bottle and the glasses she’d set out.

She just managed to catch one of the glasses before it rolled away and cackled. “You are a menace. I swear, I just want to wrap you up in bubble wrap.”

He grinned. “I didn’t see them, love. Didn’t expect them to be there. Too busy suckin’ on yer neck.”

Leaning forward, she cupped his jaw and leaned in to slip her tongue into his mouth. He groaned, pulling her forward on the counter so she had to lean against him to stay upright.

She drew back and he followed her tongue, drawing her bottom lip between his as he started tugging rather incessantly at her flannel button-up. He tugged it down her shoulders until it got stuck in her elbows and pulled away from her lips to rasp, “Need yeh naked, love. Please.”

He reached down to unbutton her jeans and paused. “Wait, monster. Is your head still hurting?”

“Huh?”

He grinned. “You told the girl that you had a migraine. Are you okay now?”

“I love you.” She smiled up at him and kissed him. “Yes I’m fine. Please don’t ever stop being you, Haz.”

He blushed and kissed her again, his hands unbuttoning her jeans.

Shrugging the shirt off, and started at his buttons, not that there were many to undo, God bless him. She was working a hickey into his jaw, when she remembered. “Dinner, baby.”

His shirt dropped behind him and she ran her hands over his chest. He shook his head. “Need yeh naked. Now. Been hard for yeh since I called yeh. Love, I need yeh.”

She groaned and leaned forward to suck harshly on his collarbone, hands smoothing up his chest to bury in his hair. “Okay… We’ll eat later, we’ll eat... “ She moaned against his skin as he shimmied one large hand into her jeans, cupping her intimately.

Later, laying on the couch after a long, hot bath and reheated Chinese food, they settled in to Netflix binge, each sporting a nourishing layer of her Oatifix face mask and a glass of wine. He laid back against her, head against her breasts, his weight pleasant and comforting against her.

She ran her hands through his fringe, keeping the unruly hair from drifting into the sticky paste.

“Still no studio tomorrow?”

“Nope.” She shrugged. “It won’t do anything. You just can’t fix fucktard.”

He smiled softly. “What did he say, love? Tell me the truth.”

She sighed and ran her fingers through his fringe. “I knew you wouldn’t let this go.”

“Monster, I could tell yeh were still angry when I talked to yeh on the phone. Yeh never hold onto to things like that. So how bad was it?”

Jamie smiled. “Well, apparently I make ‘pop shit’ and I’m after his job.”

He looked rather amused. “In a screamo band? Yeh want his job in a screamo band?”

“Evidently. I also have a nefarious plan to contaminate his ‘art’ with my fake-psychedelics.”

“Oh?”

She chuckled and carded through his hair again. “Also, I think I have a right to do this… because I suck your dick. I mean he didn’t really get to finish that thought, Benny shut him down pretty quickly, but that is where it was going.”

Harry glowered at her over his shoulder, the expression a bit softened by the paste on his face. “Oh really?”

She shrugged. “It pissed me off for sure but I was going to let it go. I know the truth, this asshole clearly doesn’t. Also I suck your dick and I enjoy it, so why shouldn’t I?” Harry laid back against her chest and chuckled. “But then he finally ‘agreed’ to let me help and told me that he hated whammy and only liked heavy guitar strings. Like who the fuck are you? You don’t pay me, the studio pays me to help you sound your best. I don’t care what you like. If what you liked was good, they wouldn’t have brought me in.”

He snorted but arched to watch her face. She smiled and kissed his hair.

“That’s why all their shit sounds so muddy, they need at least one person not just strumming to some indiscernible beat.” She rolled her eyes. “So I tried to introduce a subtle melody, nothing crazy, just something to break up the constant wha-wha-wha. I ruined it by mentioning that he’d be able to play it on heavy strings if he wanted but that it’d be easier and more comfortable to play them on mediums.”

Harry turned to face her fully, pulling her legs into his lap. “And then wha’?”

She ran a hand over her face and sipped at her forgotten wine. “I shouldn’t have said anything. In the back of my mind, I knew I was poking at him-”

“You were offering your professional opinion which is part of your job. You’d be remiss not to mention it.” Harry shrugged. “He’s the fuckwit that let it hurt his feelings.”

She went to kiss his cheek but remembered that his face, like hers was covered in an oat-y, gritty mask. “We need to get this stuff off our faces.”

He nodded and let her up, throwing an arm over her shoulder. “And then what happened?”

She sighed. “He just lost it, ranted about me trying to change his style, the whole style of the band, called me some names, made some insinuations. His bandmates tried to check him but then he hollered at them for a bit and stormed off.” Jamie huffed.

He frowned and motioned her into the en suite before him. They took up position at their respective sinks and he sighed, washing his face. “I like the way this stuff smells.”

She nodded. “It makes me think of how warm and sweet your mom’s house always smells.”

“Yes! That’s what it is!” Harry grinned. “I couldn’t place it.”

She threw a towel at him. “You’re drippin’.”

He grinned. “So were yeh… not three hours ago.”

She let him pull her into his arms and kissed at his jaw. “You and your dirty puns…”

“Nothing dirty here, love. I am so fresh… so clean, clean. Took a bath, washed my face.”

She laughed, throwing her head back. “Very true.”

He kissed her head. “What’re yeh planning te do then, love?”

“About that guitarist?” He nodded and she shrugged. “I’ve already written the melodies for the songs that needed it most. I’ll deliver them to Benny. I get paid anyways. He’ll just have to figure it out for himself.”

He nodded. “Sounds good.”

She kissed his chest, right next to the little monster charm she gave him almost a year ago. “Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Harry buried his face in her hair. “I just want te support yeh the way yeh support me.”

She smiled against his skin. “How do you mean?”

“Love, whenever I’m with you, I’m allowed to just be me. I can be goofy and stupid. I can be sensitive and intelligent. I can like football and candles and take baths in rose-scented water and do face masks with you. You don’t judge. You won’t judge. I don’t feel like I’m being edited at all. None of that will turn you off…”

She made a face. “I don’t know, baby… the Packers though…”

He put his hand over her mouth. “Shh… woman, don’t ruin the moment.”

She smiled under his palm and kissed it. “I love you. For you. That includes but is not limited to those suits I’m not as fond of as your other suits, your candles, your god-awful taste in NFL teams and everything else. I love you.”

“Which suits?”

She mimed zipping her lips.

“But no, love. Really. Which suits?”

Part X Up Next: Part XII

[amandaj718]

Emmerdale Live and Organized - November 30, 2017

Welcome to the preshow.

Is it Christmas yet?

I won’t lie…I’m feeling a bit down about everything so my heart won’t be in this review. I’m not even into watching today. I will because I need a distraction from life, but my review won’t be so ranty as months past. I won’t be talking about Liv anymore (I wrote her off) and I won’t be talking about Rebecca either. I’m banishing both from this review for the time being. It just gets people upset, and I really don’t want to fight over a television show that I want to use as escapism. I’m too tired for that. Also, my house has no scotch.

Anyway, let's crack on.

Jacobs Fold Crew

Toms big debut – I’m still beating he is a King or Tate. Someone has to know.

Look at that tree! I hate white trees. It fits the place though.

When does Tom move into Home Farm. Should I start the countdown?

White couches with two young kids. Debbie is a risk taker. HUGE RISK TAKER.

This place looks like Anthropologie designed it for their magazines. Maybe some Ikea too.

FAMILY. FAAAMMMILLLY. Who is he then? Tate or King? I’m good with either.

THIS FEELS SO FAST TO ME. I mean…I’m confused.

The Café Crew

Fun. Angry Robron.

Oh. Now Diane shows up. Thanks for showing up now.

The more they push that this is all on Robert the more I believe that the tables will be turning on a lot a people after Christmas. Pushing one way on a show screams something is coming.

Again, the more everyone gangs up the more likely there are secrets.

Oh. The Emma stuff is back? Cool?

Lisa/Eric

“We are the little people. We have no power money or connections. We mean nothing to them.” – Sounds like how the American public is being treated. We need to fight back though. How? That remains to be seen.

Lisa. *BIG HUGS*

Home Farm

Oh. That was an interesting turn of phrase. “He made a fool out of you.” “Out of us all” I see the Whites tearing a bit. *hums*

Robert is fighting so hard for SJ because that is all he has left. What else do you want him to do?

Robert thinking, he deserves violence is a dangerous narrative. NO ONE deserves violence against them. NO ONE. If anyone thinks they do, I really want to give you a hug. You deserve to always treat yourself with love and respect. NEVER except violence as an answer. No matter what.

More tears in the white family fabric. Interesting. Keep pulling at the thread Chrissie. Keep pulling. Let’s see what we find behind the White Family curtain.

Belle. Oh Belle. He is a psychopath. RUN.

Wishing Well

When did these two get back together? *confused*

Emma Barton’s ghost. *DUN DUUUN DUUUUUUN*

I need more Sam and Lydia in my life. That is all.

Oh. I know Zak. I know. I am with you guys. So much. I’m with you. *raises a glass*

Lisa isn’t wrong, but neither is Zak. It’s a tough situation all around.

Zak is the democrats. This council person is republican. Lisa is sane. (Not independent. They are nuts too)

Has Zak lost weight? Working out more? Why are all the guys working out?

I think Lisa is about to make the decision for all of them.

50 Shades of Tom/Graham

I love how cool and confident Graham is. I think Graham has a bigger part to play just not right now.

Lying. *Falls asleep practicing my shocked face*

Graham didn’t put up a fight. *snort*

“I put 2 and 2 together.” “and came up with 5.” – I’ve been hearing this line too many times on television these days.

OHHHHHHHHHHH! HE IS BEHIND THE GOLF COURSE. FUCCCCCK.

Moira’s Farm

That button on Cain’s jacket. *SNORT*

Awwwww. We are getting some sweet Coira moments. That’s nice. After being beat over the head with Robron sucking the air out of the room its nice to see Coira.

Oh hey. Look who is back. Adam.

Moira. They like you. They judge Robert. *gives an office look*

The Pub Crew

That was an odd moment. Yelling to Diane when she has nothing to do with this story. ODD. I’m tracking that as a moment.

Charity. Stop looking so happy. I know she is just like, “TOLD YOU SO” but can she be a mother for five seconds? Be nicer?

Detective Charity. *THEME MUSIC PLAYS*

He is a business person Charity. He will talk to woman about business. GEEZ. Charity is like walking sadness and death these days.

Tracy/David/Leyla – Does anyone else see this possibly happening?

Leyla and I are one in the same. *SALES*

DID KERRY JUST WINK AT CAIN. OMG THAT LOOK HE GAVE HER. *DIES OF LAUGHTER*

God. Isaac is a big baby. We have seen Diane with Isaac more than SJ. *shrug*

Another interesting scene. Passing Isaac around. *hmmmmm*

The Mill

Gerry. I’m so confused about Gerry right now. I could write an article about him but still couldn’t get to the bottom of things. Thoughts?

Aaron and Robert are friends now. Mates. *nods* RIGHT. *NODS HARDER*

I assume this sets up next week and Aaron “moving on” and telling Robert to “Move on” too. *BUBBLE*

Village Light Show

HOW. APPROPRIATE. FOR. THIS. SHOW.

A lot of nonstarters just to explode at the weirdest of times. *wink*

I won’t lie. I love seeing all the Christmas stuff going up. *FA LA LA LA LA* *TAKES A SHOT OF CHRISTMAS CHEER*

I’m loving Tracy’s look today. *HIGH FIVE* *Amanda Approves*

The lights are a representation of fandoms in Emmerdale. *LAUGHS*

Doug made a mean comment about Diane. HMMMMMMMMM.

Is David’s hair more…blonde lately?

The light comes on for Aaron? Just to see Lachlan and Belle. Hint that Lachlan and the Whites working in the dark is coming to light? I’m big on mise en scene. Its my undoing. 

‘It’s Just Speculation!’

As per usual: Stay off the message boards, respect each other’s opinions, breathe, reboot and eat a Snickers. If you want to talk theory or the show come on over to my twitter and Tumblr @AmandaJ718

Until next time, see you around in Emmerdale! 

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N}

I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to aim for a 3rd OC to round out the challenge, tonight. I’m feeling a little dry on the creative front, and 2 out of 3 is respectable.

I’m also trying to teach myself I don’t have to be writing 100% of the time to be productive.

So while I decide whether or not to try and create a 3rd new OC, I figured I’d drink my coffee and come talk about some stuff.

It’s pretty common knowledge that I think a lot. I overthink, a lot. And as I’ve gotten more into fandoms again, I’m seeing the climate around things change from when I was writing for fandoms before. And this isn’t so much a rant about fandoms as it’s me...questioning my writing and if I’ll be okay, putting my stuff out there.

Y’see, we all know Tumblr’s a pretty toxic place, if you’re not in the “THIS IS OKAY TO LIKE” box, you’re gonna get death threats and shamed and...all that fun stuff. And I’ve always existed outside of that box. I like BDSM, necro, cannibalism, etc, and none of that is mainstream or “acceptable” to like. And as I’ve been paying attention and watching and just sort of...putting my ear to the wall (because I don’t participate in shit) it’s left me feeling like I shouldn’t create, because nothing I create is “okay” by the standards of people that are out there.

And it’s weird, because when I was younger I never used to give a shit. I’d write what I wanted and fuck anyone who didn’t like it. But it seems the scales have tipped so far the other way; where before people would just quietly peruse what they like and ignore what they didn’t, I feel like now they make lynch mobs and try to destroy you as a person because omg you like littlespace? How very dare.

It might have something to do with my emotional state, right now. I’m very...I don’t want to say fragile? Not because I have a problem with being fragile but more because I’m just tired, emotionally. I’ve hit this point where I’m just too tired for drama and bullshit because I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow. So the thought of creating something that I like, that I enjoy, and someone coming to scream “THIS IS WRONG AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD” at me just...does not interest me in the slightest.

Even just with creating characters, I was thinking of creating a new monster...because uhm, yaaas, but when I was doing research there’s all these folks barking and screeching about how you can’t create monsters using Native American lore because it’s wrong or how Jewish people own certain myths and you can’t use them and I just...I really didn’t want to get to a point where I’m saying people are too sensitive (because that’s the older people’s battle cry and I think sensitivity is important) but if I want to create a monster based off the wendigo...why can’t I just do that? Why is that so offensive and horrible to a group of people whom I don’t know and don’t know me? I’m not doing it to be shitty. Tbh it’s a form of respect because I think the lore is badass and I want some of that.

It reminds me how I saw a long thread (this was ages ago) about a little white girl who wanted to throw a geisha-inspired tea party and her mom did all this research and reached out to Japanese...people (I don’t recall what they did, officially) and she put on this real authentic party for her daughter and it was really respectful and there were all these people just up in arms about it, calling it appropriation and while I 10000% believe appropriation is a thing, not everything is appropriation. And if we start drawing those sorts of lines, we’re all gonna lose 97% of the shit we enjoy because it belongs to some other race or culture.

So I don’t know. Seeing all this discourse and angry shouting just adds to my “oh my god I’m old and tired” mood because I want to create all sorts of things but I’m terrified that I’m going to create something offensive without realizing it’s offensive???

The monster thing really fucking threw me.

And I know. Folks in the internet don’t own shit and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the shit that I do. I know I’m coming from a place of respect and just trying to enjoy myself and I shouldn’t feel bad about that--I know all that. Part of my issue with seeing this sort of stuff is because I was raised to not believe my opinion or thoughts or feelings about something is worth a goddamn, which is why people say things and I nod and shut up. I’m still working on it.

Which brings me to something else that’s been tumbling around in my head--think I’m going to take a page out of Beesly’s book and try to be more assertive this year/for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, for reasons that I assume are obvious, and I want to...get over that. I realize there’s lots of things I want to do and don’t because I’m too worried about what someone else may say or think or do about it and so I just...don’t. And I wind up regretting my silence or in-action and then I feel bad. And to be clear, I’m not even talking about shitty things. I mean I don’t do small things, like talk about my own likes or interests or even buying certain things because I don’t think I should, because someone else might side-eye or it might bother someone. I have always done this and I still do it and I swear to god even on my own fucking cellphone sometimes I won’t set certain characters as my wallpaper because I don’t feel like I have the right to do it.

I mean how fucking stupid is that.

But it’s a real issue and it keeps me from enjoying simple things that don’t bother anyone. And I realize I have a lot of anger and resentment built up that I need to start working on, and this type of behavior only adds to it. I feel like I have this gluttonous monster that follows me around, and has since I was a kid, and it’s just huge and gross (even for me, lol) and I keep feeding it so it sticks around. And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and the more I feed it the worse I feel because it’s constantly bothering me.

I just...I’m sure it sounds stupid but I really need my 30′s to be better than my 20′s and this new decade thing, like I either gotta pull the trigger on some change and making my life better...or really pull the trigger and be done with it. I’m stuck in places I don’t like being and I’m sick of coming back to these spaces and saying I’m stuck. How many years am I gonna do that?

Hopefully, no more years, lol.

I just have to teach myself worth, I guess. That’s the root issue of all the stuff I was just talking about. I don’t value myself enough to put my foot down about things or to just openly like something without worrying about what anyone else might think about it--and don’t get me wrong, I’ve always done my own thing and I didn’t care how off-brand it was. I like weird shit and always have; when I say openly liking something I mean not feeling like I don’t belong liking it. And the worth issue applies to my writing, too.

Because circling back to the whole, “you can’t like this because I think it’s wrong,” thing, I was reading a thread a couple days ago about how the main actor in that You show, he goes on Twitter and corrects women who like his character, and of course Tumblr is praising him and saying how you shouldn’t like his character and that behavior is toxic.

And yeah, in real life, it is. And you shouldn’t put up with anything you’re not comfortable with.

But I was reading this and thinking to myself...y’all really can’t separate fantasy from reality anymore. Y’all have just blurred that line to the point where people can’t even enjoy fake shit because you think that means they like it IRL. And it’s fucking nuts.

As someone who has existed in their own fantasy world for 30 years, I can safely say, there’s shit I enjoy in fantasy I wouldn’t IRL. I love super controlling behavior on paper but I wouldn’t be able to deal with it in a real relationship. That shit hits way too close to home--but I have control over it in my head, so it’s perfect. And that’s why fantasy is so important.

Take cannibalism. Could someone cut off my arm and eat it IRL? I mean they could, but...don’t? I need it for things.

But they can in my head, and on paper, and I enjoy reading about it. Experiencing it that way, because it’s the only safe, sane way to experience it.

I fucking love unhinged, crazy characters who are obsessive and possessive to the point of murder and I can’t enjoy that shit IRL but I’m fucking fine to fantasize about it--but everyone is out there tooting their shame horn and I just...let people enjoy things? Like why the fuck are they so pressed.

It’s like sitting down to eat at your table, in your house, with your favorite meal all nicely prepared in front of you. But you happen to look up, and see that across the street, your neighbor is eating some shit you hate. Like you can’t stand what they’re eating. But they’re in their house, and you can’t smell it, and you don’t have to eat it...yet instead of eating your own goddamn meal, you get up from the table, march across the street, and bang on your neighbor’s door to yell at them about some shit you don’t like. How dare they eat something you don’t like?

That’s what it’s like, to me. The shit I like, that I’m into, doesn’t hurt any-fucking-body, because it’s fantasy. But people will scream at the top of their fucking lungs about how it’s gross and nasty and they don’t want to see it (even though they found it, somehow) and because they hate it I’m terrible for liking it. It just...ugh. It’s such an illogical argument.

I don’t like Katy Perry. I think she’s a garbage human being who got famous because she’s “pretty” and pretended to be bisexual for a while but y’know what? I don’t give a shit about her or anyone who likes her. I don’t care, and when I say I don’t care, I mean like it doesn’t affect or bother me that anyone else is into her. She can do her, and they can do them, and I’mma do me.

But it’s borderline impossible for people to stay in their goddamn lane and it’s nuts. Like as a gay woman who grew up watching adults argue about gay marriage I remember thinking, even as a gayby, why do so many straight folks care? Like why do they give a shit who someone else is marrying? But they did. They still do.

And that’s what it reminds me of. That us younger generations love to brag about how we’re more open and progressive than our parents and grandparents and yeah, we don’t lynch people of color or keep the LGBT community closeted but if you enjoy BDSM/littlespace or god forbid ship the wrong characters together you’re probably gonna get death threats and bullied off an internet platform.

So yeah. That’s just been rattling around in my head the past few days, as I’ve been workshopping OC’s and tossing around ideas of what to write about this year. My interests have and always will be counter-culture/alternative and I always anticipate there’s going to be someone who isn’t into what I do. That’s...kinda been my label? Like I’m not “one size fits all”, lol, but beyond all the discourse and stuff it leaves me wondering what sort of audience I’ll even have.

I don’t pretend to be the only one into these sorts of things, I know there’s other weirdos out there and stuff, they’re just sitting quietly amongst all the shouting and screaming, like I am. And I guess if that’s my audience, I’ll take it. I don’t have these big aspirations of necessarily being famous (being rich would be nice because...money worries, lol, I’m way over them) but I always liked Christine’s hustle. She writes (prolifically, good god) for her fans and that’s what she’s happy doing. Doesn’t matter that she isn’t a household name, she’s got devoted fans and that is the kind of fanbase I’d like as an author. I don’t need to be liked by everyone, I just want to write and if I happen to make someone happy, well, mission accomplished.

So in the meantime, just going to keep plugging away at myself, letting 2020 be the year of change and growth. So far it’s been...I mean I think it’s gone well. I’ve finished the first writing challenge I issued myself, so there’s that!

But alas, my coffee cup is empty and it’s time for a refill.

I’ll be back soon, likely to issue and then destroy the next challenge of 2020.

[canaryatlaw]

so, today was productive in a number of ways. I got stuff done and I also didn’t go nuts on shopping so I’m calling that a win. My alarm went off at 8:45 and I reallllllllllly did not want to get up, and it took a solid 3 minutes of convincing myself that I can come home and nap after PT, but I did eventually get up. it didn’t help that I fucked up with my meds last night and missed a xanax, and it was like 2 am by the time I realized, so I didn’t get all that much sleep. Luckily, I can sleep in all I want tomorrow. But yeah, I got ready and went to PT and had a pretty good session. I stopped at the kosher deli that’s on my way home and got some matzoh ball soup because I need to take advantage of having a kosher deli so nearby when they are not terribly common in Chicago (or at least that’s what I tell myself). Came home and ate, then planned out my moves for the rest of the day. I needed to run to Michael’s to get a few things, and the nearest one is in a building along with a Marshall’s and a DSW, and I mean....those can be pretty hard stores to pass up, lol. So I hopped on the bus and headed down there. I needed to buy two chains for necklaces as part of this thing my twitter Caity Lotz friends (like really, that’s what they are) are doing with white canary symbol, but I’ll tell you more about that on a later date. I found them fairly quickly and left Michaels, and went down to DSW. I was in need of a new pair of sneakers, but was also debating just getting some boots instead since we’re heading into fall. Nothing really struck my interest though, so I left and went up to Marshalls. I spent a while in Marshalls looking at things, but ended up buying a pair of super comfy (non-polyester) sweat pants (the non-polyester part is important because generally the sweat pants that are all soft and comfy are 100% polyester) and like, 3 things of fancy soap haha because I love their fancy soaps and it’s one of the only places I can get ones that don’t have shea butter in them. So, not bad. After that I was heading back up north to make a target run, which was in between where I was south and where my apartment is north. I ended up just hopping on the train, but it took forever to arrive so I was a little miffed about that, but whatever. got to target and started my shopping, I had an interesting list of stuff to buy, a lot of vitamin stuff and other supplements, and of course some food that I needed to restock in. I wound up just being able to fit everything into my cart, which was heavy AF, but I was impressed with my ability to fit everything in there regardless. I was already debating ubering home because I was tired by this point and there’s no way home from target that doesn’t involve at least a 10 minute walk, but I stepped outside and it had just started raining, so that meant definitely ubering, because I ain’t walking in the rain for 10+ minutes. So I ubered and got home soon enough, unpacked and watched some batman TAS for a little while before starting on dinner. I had decided I wanted to make chicken parmesan, but wanted to try doing it baked instead of fried because my stomach does not approve of most fried foods (and it is just generally better for you). So I tried that recipe using the tomato sauce I had in the freezer, which I added some chicken broth, basil, and garlic to and let simmer for a few hours before using my immersion blender (for the first time!!) to smooth it all together. It all went fairly well, the chicken wasn’t as good as I’d hoped, but I guess that’s the trade off for not frying it. Oh well. It still turned out pretty good and I can use it for meals during the week with a little pasta, so that works. After I finished there, I watched some more Smallville, which featured bizarro Clark taking over his month for a life and finally the triumphant return of Oliver Queen, accompanied by a rather weird black canary focused episode (at one point Chloe is like “I guess we should call her yellow raven” and Clark just answered “I think we should go with black canary”). It’s not her last appearance of course, she gets in on some of their justice league episodes later in the series. It’s funny, because in one of the last scenes of the episode Oliver and Dinah leave together and they just pan in on Clark smiling with soft music playing, and they’re definitely trying to infer a potential romance between them, but of course we know that doesn’t happen, because apparently Oliver and Dinah can’t be together on live action tv (I do vastly prefer Chloe and Oliver together, but it’s still kind of irritating, especially because Felicity is really just a poor man’s Chloe Sullivan). And yeah, after that I got ready for bed and that’s about it. Pretty tired now since its 12:30 am so I’m gonna hit the hay now. Goodnight babes. Stay wonderful.

[theliterateape]

Resolve of the Righteous: What to Do Once the Protests are Past

By Don Hall

It’s called a narrative frame.

For over two hundred years, the narrative frame of America has been that of men imbued with a sense of manifest destiny, visionaries tired of British subjugation who, borrowing from everyone from the British to the ancient Greeks, forged a system of governance for all men to realize their full potential.

Narrative frames tend to leave out a lot of pertinent information. Simple and clean frames tend to last longer. The frame exists to promote the foundation of control, of maintaining the fragile status quo, or to foment a change from the previous frame.

The attempt to reframe a long held narrative is difficult. 

The easiest part is to break down the inconsistencies within the current frame. These founding fathers intentionally prohibited women from having a voice. They were slaveholders so their vision that “all men are created equal” was bullshit. The frame long held is a hypocrisy.

Once the old frame has been shredded, rebuilding a new one is where the hard work comes in. We’ve just spent energy debunking the narrative handed down for generations but without a replacement that can inspire forward momentum, one that foments a hope for the future, the replacement fails.

Full disclosure: I don’t participate in protests. This is not because I don’t believe in many of the causes or do not fully support the idea of protest as a valid form of political expression. I’ve done my fair share of on-the-street, sign-carrying, slogan-yelling protest. And I’ve too often been brutally disappointed in the fact that the less specific the demand, the more pointless it feels. I don’t participate because they often feel like bad theatre with no point.

Perhaps I’m too pragmatic with political stuff these days but “End Racism” and “Abolish the Police” aren’t really solid plans on which to hang a protest designed for change. The country isn’t going to abolish their police forces any more than we’d just get rid of the military. And given that every human being since the beginning of recorded history uses race to create tribal divisions, racism is in our DNA. Might as well have a worldwide protest against thumbs or penises (Oh. Wait. They’ve had the protest against penises...)

Lots of gauzy concepts like acknowledging your privilege without the inevitable follow-up that after you acknowledge it you have to be willing to give it up. In this case, privilege is power and control, and that’s like demanding Jeff Bezos just feel so shitty about himself that he hands his almost trillion dollars to poor people and resigns himself to a minimum wage job in a post office. Sounds good but it simply is never going to happen.

While rewriting the narrative frame needs to be simple and easy to digest by eighth graders, it needs to be feasible or there is no room for hope. It also needs to be free of too much inaccuracy or it, like the Founding Fathers myth, will be taken apart just as quickly.

✶

Beginning with the brutal beating of Rodney King in 1992, the cracks of the national narrative were seen and heard. It wasn’t the sight of four white police officers cracking the skull of a black man that signaled the fracture. It was that we saw it, raw footage, and the legal system in place refused to punish the true criminals. It was the verdict that set the tinder ablaze.

The quick follow up was the acquittal of OJ Simpson. Again, we saw it play out in real time on our televisions. Almost as if the justice system was trying to take back the injustice of King’s lynch mob in blue, we watched a black man who committed a vicious double murder walk free. Quid pro quo.

Then, like dominos falling, one after the other, in real time and with companion film, we saw Michael Brown killed. And Trayvon Martin. Eric Garner. A dozen more. Those rewriting the narrative took to academia, took to framing the country’s story with the murders by police at the fore. This was not about the system’s failing or about the nuts and bolts of true citizen oversight over the various police forces. This wasn’t about culture or class or poverty. This was about race.

While race is certainly an ingredient, the stew is comprised of far more. It is about race. It is also about culture and the tribal need to either assimilate or separate. It’s about class, injustice, and a hard-baked human requirement to find Others to push back against to feel forward momentum.

But we aren’t prepared for complexity. We need simplicity in the narrative. So, like the early authors of Christianity needed to convince the crowd of their need for God, bigotry became the original sin of America. Unlike the concept of Christian original sin, this sin has no Savior whose sacrifice washes us clean of it. The narrative insists that if you’re white, you’re guilty and in perpetuity. It isn’t enough to avoid your biases and racist practice, you have to be anti-racist and even then never free from the debt.

It’s a solid narrative frame. Worked for religion for thousands of years.

Like I said, I’m more pragmatic as I get older. The plan to end racism is passion-inducing but not actually possible. Every person born finds a way to prejudge others based on tribalism. I don’t march in protest because no matter my intent, if I speak out I’m taking up the room for black voices, if I am silent, I’m complicit, and if I ask what organizers think I should do, I’m asking for their emotional labor. Solid frame. It’s like a maze from which there is never an exit. Like being black in the United States.

My protest sign wouldn’t make for a good chant or be funny enough for a Twitter moment. Given the circumstances of police killing approximately 1,500 people last year (most white but of a vastly unequal proportion of the black community) the pragmatic solution is not to abolish police, fuck police, kill police, or fire all the racist police. My sign would say:

“For George Floyd  Proper Training for Police  Citizen Oversight with Real Authority  Accountability Guaranteed by Special Prosecutors Who Do Not Work with the Accused”

Not very sexy.

That’s the thing about change. Rewriting the narrative frame is a challenge but genuine, on-the-ground, measurable progress is really quite dull. And slow. It is methodical and requires lots of data collection.

The goal isn’t eliminating racism because that’s a fantasy of Tolkien proportions. The goal is to create systems that prevent racists (and angry politicians) from benefiting from their worst efforts. The goal is to make it nearly impossible for a brutal cop to ever be put on the street and, if one manages to squeeze through, holds him or her accountable for the crimes he or she commits while on the job of keeping the peace.

I hope these historic protests give us a new narrative frame. I hope, instead of laced with rage and hurt, it is scented with optimism and inclusion. I have nothing but respect for the Grand Dreamers and every black person out on the streets of cities across the globe are grand and courageous and inspiring.

I also hope that once the narrative has shifted, the people who can focus on legislative change, scientific methods of de-escalation training, experts on how to apply the law justly and effectively for every citizen get to work doing the slow, methodical stuff.

It isn’t a Grand Dream but even a pragmatic dream is worth the effort.

[emotear]

31st October

So here it is, Halloween itself. I know I am a few days late, but I have been pretty tired recently, too many late nights. I don’t think I will even be able to finish this post in a single session, I am too tired and there is probably more to write about than the others as this was the most interesting so far. So I get home from work, eat, shower and get dressed. Asylum shirt with pretend blood splatter on and basically a streaked red handprint going down my face. I actually got a few comments from people while I was out, so I assume it looked pretty cool. I drive to Chelmsford to meet some strangers to play board games at a Pub. Probably sounds a lot like my previous Saturday, but this is a pub, so a much more public event. Once I get there I sit in the car for a while and observe a man arriving and carrying board games into the pub, so now I know I have the right place for sure and can even identify one of them. Something seems very wrong with this though, I am going to go in a pub, approach a big group of strangers and ask if I can use their stuff and sit with them.  I felt like this about that Saturday, but once I was inside they knew exactly why I was there, it was a private event, no chance of me being a customer etc and that Australian guy was awesome and made me feel welcome immediately.  Eventually, I get out of the car and decide to go in the front entrance, as the group is by the back entrance and I want to scope them out first. So I go in, order a drink and some nuts, get a comment from the barman about my costume and, casually eat and drink while observing the group. There are at least 10 of them, maybe more. Some of them are proper adults, as in they could be my parents. No one looks really strange, I decide it is not for me, finish my drink and leave. Back in the car I decided it would be a waste to drive home now, it is Halloween and I am dressed up. I proceed to go to a dating site and trying and get random girls who happen to be online and live in Chelmsford to come out. Weird and kinda scary I know, but hey I’m mental. It doesn’t work surprisingly enough.  I start looking to see if any other events are on in Chelmsford that I could go to and then I check my Facebook messenger. This girl is online who I have been Facebook friends with for a while, she wants to College with someone I know. I know she lives fairly close to Chelmsford as it is her main place for going out, so I decide to see what she is up to. She isn’t doing anything as she is saving up for a holiday she has planned for December. She says she needs to do some shopping though, so I often to drive her to Tesco. I arrive, she gets in the car and although her lack of fear and caution around me is surprising, everything is fairly normal and she directs me well to Tesco. Once we get there though she starts talking quietly at times, I ask her to repeat it as I didn’t hear it and she says that she is working out how much money she needs or is planning her day for tomorrow etc, this is a commonly repeated event. Now I talk to myself, mainly at work to help me maintain focus, but I wouldn’t do it in public in front of a stranger, but there is nothing wrong with it as such, just rare. As we are shopping she tells me about her friend who drove into a deer tonight and has ruined his car and got a few cuts/bruises. She phones him to ensure he is ok, then she decides to buy him some sweets and a beer. A bit of a random choice, but it is a nice gesture. OK, getting tired, I think I will continue later.

So we get to the till where she buys 6 or 7 items but refuses to pay 5p for a bag, so awkwardly carries them in folded arms. On the way back to the car she starts making random panicked noises, I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that she has phone notifications, but cannot see them.... Well duh, your hands are full and your screen is off, wait till you get back to the car. I proceed to donate a plastic bag to her to stop her attempting to carry all the items in the same fashion again. She asks if we can stop by her friends' house to drop off the beer and strawberry laces, when we get there she leaves her bag, phone and all the money she got out of the ATM in my car. I just find it odd how much trust she places in someone who is almost a complete stranger. On the drive back to her house, she stops a sign on the pavement above a box, telling me she likes to see what people sell in those, I reverse and put on my full beams to read it, no sales, they are just offering free apples from their tree. About three minutes later as we are getting out of the car, she says “Oh that was a good time”. What was? I ask. “I’m remembering a time I and one of the other girls from work took the kids out on a trip to a farm. There were 20 kids and a farmer gave us some apples, but there weren’t enough apples for each kid to have one, so they had to take a bite and then pass it around.” Is it just me, or is that story just a bit too mundane to be something that you bother to tell someone else, or even remember? She invites me in for a coffee, I am a bit hesitant, but she tells me her mum is home, so I decide the invitation is as innocent as it seems. Her mum is terrified of me though, apparently due to my costume, and reminds me of this frequently. I think that fact a strange six-foot skinhead you have never heard of before turns up to your house late at night added to it quite a bit though.

Very have a very sweet, small white fluffy dog, I forget his name now (it is 12th November, so almost two weeks ago now), but he was cool and probably the most normal. Her mum has the TV on very loud as she is apparently a bit deaf and is not wearing her hearing aid. She turns it down for a bit when we first arrive, but randomly turns it back on at times, almost in a sign to the girl, to take his strange guy away and talk to him elsewhere, it is not a sign she takes though. I am getting a bit lazy now, basically, she swears at her mum a bit, arguing about money, which is somewhat uncomfortable.  When her mum makes her go outside to smoke, she tells me that her mum is a heroin addict and always gets to take it in the house. Her mum looks horrified and neither laugh. Eventually, she makes me the coffee and while trying to do it, forgets where things are located like she doesn’t even live here. She tells me about her planned holiday, calling it her 5th lone holiday over and over, but she isn’t going alone and judging by the description of her previous 4, she has maybe flown alone once or twice, but only to meet someone elsewhere, she has never had an alone holiday.

She also tells me that since she doesn’t have many friends and those ones she does have, have children, she frequently goes out alone. At this point, I do feel bad for her, but it is almost as if she doesn’t have feelings about it and is just informing me. The same way, when she reads twitter posts, she exclaims loudly how funny they are, but never actually laughs. If we she didn’t work with kids I would think maybe she has some form of social disorder, I really could not work her out. I actually thought she might have been drunk and when I finally get home, I message and ask her if she has had anything to drink today, apparently not a drop, completely sober. This girl apparently frequently goes on dates and then doesn’t hear back from the guys again and often wonders why. She looks like Marylin Monroe, so I have also wondered, but now I think they probably are just very confused by her, even I am and I like to think of myself as being rather socially aware and astute. 

[yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog]

Chiefs' Mahomes on getting robbed, Alex Smith and being compared to Favre

First things first: Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is fine, albeit a bit shaken up, after he and his friends were held up at (assumed) gunpoint. Although it’s not clear if the two men who robbed him and his three friends actually brandished a weapon or not, police apprehended the suspects and — most importantly — Mahomes and his crew were unharmed.

Shutdown Corner spoke with Mahomes late Thursday after his frightening incident and said he’s thankful nothing worse happened.

Pat Mahomes II is glad he and his friends are OK after a recent robbery attempt. (AP)

“I can’t get into all the details of it,” Mahomes told SDC by phone while attending the NFLPA Rookie Premiere weekend in California. “It’s an open investigation and all that. But I am just glad that my friends and I are all safe. I am happy the police got the suspect fast. Everyone is safe, which is most important.”

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The one detail he could share: It appeared to be a random act. Mahomes said neither he nor his friends knew the men in question who allegedly held them up and robbed them before being captured shortly thereafter.

Now Mahomes says he’s thankful to put that scary deal behind him and focus on what lies ahead. Namely, his exciting NFL future, but one he knows he must be patient with. Although the Chiefs made a dramatic move to trade up in Round 1 and land Mahomes with the 10th overall pick, he likely will sit and watch behind Alex Smith for the foreseeable future.

When Mahomes takes over is anyone’s guess. It could be in 2018. Still, he’s signing autographs in L.A. with Panini America and taking pictures for the first time in his new Chiefs uniform. Fun note: he adds “2 PM” to his name, as he’s Patrick II — son of the former Major League Baseball pitcher, Pat Mahomes.

Pretty sweet inscription from @chiefs QB @patrickmahomes5. @nflpa #rookiepremiere #whodoyoucollect #patrickmahomes #chiefs

A post shared by Panini America (@paniniamerica) on May 18, 2017 at 5:30pm PDT

After that, the work really begins in earnest. For now, Mahomes says he only knows one way to prepare for his exciting but unknown future — even if it begins with him being a backup to start.

“Alex Smith is the quarterback right now. I know that,” Mahomes said. “I know I just need to come in dive into the film, get my work in on the practice field and wait my turn.”

Smith reached out to Mahomes shortly after he was picked to help diffuse the potential awkwardness, and the Texas Tech rookie appreciated the gesture. And it’s not as if both couldn’t see this possibly coming. Chiefs coaches watched film of Mahomes (and other draft QB prospects) with Smith, and Mahomes said Thursday he suspected the Chiefs were a strong possibility for a landing spot.

“I wanted to go to Kansas City,” he said. “That was the team I wanted the most. You hope it happens, but you don’t know. But yeah, I had a feeling they could be the one. Right now, that excitement has turned into focus on learning the playbook, working as hard as possible and being a good teammate. That’s literally all I am focused on. That’s what I am here to do.

“When you have a leader like that, someone who has the team’s best interests in mind, that’s huge. He knows every aspect of the game and can help everything work smoothly. He’s a leader and a starting quarterback, so that respect is automatic. He said he’ll take me under his wing, and I really can’t wait to start learning from him.”

And certainly both Smith and Mahomes have been in similar situations before. Smith had to endure being replaced by Colin Kaepernick on Jim Harbaugh’s San Francisco 49ers teams, watching them go to a Super Bowl with someone else throwing passes. Mahomes beat out Davis Webb for the Red Raiders’ starting job, and the two had to put aside any personal feelings and continue to push each other and be supportive knowing only one man can hold the starting QB job.

“It was tough, but we are still friends because of it,” Mahomes said if Webb, who was drafted in Round 3 by the New York Giants after he played his final season at Cal. “He’s actually out here at the Rookie Premiere with me, and we sat together in groups and stuff like that. The relationship is still strong because of the way we handled all that.”

Mahomes had some comments taken out of context when he noted how tough the challenge of learning the Chiefs’ playbook would be, but he says he just wanted to note how much work will go into switching from the “Air Raid” offense in which he played in college to the scheme Andy Reid will have him try to master.

“When I said that, I was trying to get across that, it wasn’t that the playbook was hard but that I was undertaking a new challenge, and that I knew it was something that was going to take a while and something I would be better at tomorrow than I was today,” Mahomes said. “Every rep, every mental rep, you get better at it. But it’s a process and you don’t know until you start doing it, and do it to where there’s no second guessing at all.”

As for that college offense he ran, Mahomes wants to dispel the rumor that it was chock full of predetermined reads, screens and half-field reads. Really, he says, there was a lot going on that he had to determine pre-snap that few really got to see.

“I had full control of that offense,” he said. “I could check out of stuff based on the coverage, stuff like that. Earning that control takes time. You have to show you can know everything that’s thrown at you. But there really was very little that was [predetermined], some [half-field reads] but a lot of decision-making at the line, pre-snap to where I had to get everyone on the same page.”

Many have compared Mahomes to Brett Favre, whom Reid coached, for their gunslinging, freewheeling styles. At times, Favre drove Reid nuts when they were together as player and coach early in their career together. But it has been noted that Reid has been chasing the ghost of Favre ever since then, hoping to find his next unicorn QB.

Has Reid found a Favre clone in Mahomes? Perhaps — with a cannon arm and a flair for the dramatic, there is some obvious overlap. Heck, Mahomes threw for 734 yards against Oklahoma and had the ball in his hands 100 times that game — 88 pass attempts and 12 rushes — and said he “never got tired and wanted to play even more.” Mahomes even threw a lefthanded pass in that game, which is about as Favre as a QB can get.

But the rookie knows he has to rein it in at times, too, and that Reid can help him do that.

“Sometimes you just have to take what the defense gives you,” Mahomes said. “I don’t play a certain way just to play that way. I’ve always felt I’ve tried to give my team the best chance to win. I’m just honored any one person would compare me to [Favre], and that gunslinger mentality is probably a big reason why.

“You have to have the guts to make certain throws, try certain things. But you also have to play smart and not just take chances just to take chances. There has to be some thought behind it. You sometimes have to tone it down, and that’s what watching [Alex Smith] and being coached by Coach Reid will help [me do].”

There’s a chance Mahomes might not play this season. This will be tough, especially with two of the Chiefs’ games — at the Dallas Cowboys and at the Houston Texans — that lie a few hundred miles from where Mahomes grew up. He also said he’ll be closely watching the other quarterbacks in the 2017 draft class, with whom he’s gotten close and built a bond, knowing that others could get their cracks to start before him.

But Mahomes said he willing to let it all play out and that hard daily work, the grind that few see, will be his method of coping until he’s handed the ball.

“Yeah, I am going to keep an eye on all those other guys,” Mahomes said. “But what they do has no effect on what I do. I’ll compete every day for the Chiefs. I’ll push Alex and try to be as ready as I can as soon as possible. That’s what I’ll be doing. What they do with their teams, I’ll be watching from [afar], but it’s not anything that will change how my team thinks of me.”

– – – – – – –

Eric Edholm is a writer for Shutdown Corner on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at edholm@yahoo-inc.com or follow him on Twitter!

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[know-that-iexist]

Bling! Bling!

Hey buddy, Lately, I was thinking about a lot of things. I had my daydreams again and I think I can't get over with it unless I write it down. So here it goes... As the day goes by, I have found myself pushing through but there are also times where I catch myself browsing and saving our pictures from the internet. Since the moment I have met you, when things are all premature I wish I could go back in time so that I could tell you many times that I am grateful we became friends. I don't want to exaggerate things but the constant thoughts of you brighten my day up to such an extent that I cannot resist staying on that moment. But this is no way of living, no one can allow oneself to live in a dream with scarce connection to reality especially when we were in school doing some school stuffs. So I am writing because I intended to expose my feelings here as much as possible that this must not to be read by anyone, not even by you. I cannot deny the fact that I am not expressive as others. I feel completely lost and awkward when it comes to physical interaction with you, like hugs. Didn't you notice it? I never hug you whenever there are chances. You know what, we were never bound to meet but see what fate leads us. We were like strangers at first then as our journey goes by, boom! It's like we bumped into each others lives and suddenly we get along. It is a good thing I met you. I am glad that despite of everything, I have somebody to think about at night right before I close my eyes. I got time for flashbacks. You made me feel alive when everything else seem so meaningless. You showed me that there are lots of possibilities out there. You made me crave more. You've let me experience things I have never thought I could. You made me want to live even more. You gave me hope. Just being around you, seeing you, hearing your voice, watching you smile and so on. Well, it makes my day so easy. It really helped. I want to say I love you. I mean, I love you but not romantically. Do I look defensive here? I'm not IN LOVE with you, okay? I'm not in love with you as a boyfriend/ girlfriend thing, nah! But as a bestest friend. I really love the shit out of you without a doubt. I cannot picture myself caring about or trusting anyone as much as I have come to trust you. With you, you are a big deal. It takes a long time to get me to open up as completely as I have done with you. It goes with you, too. Right? You trust me also. Am I right again? Remember when you shared your stories? You don't know how much it meant to me. All the moments we have, jokes, laughs, even cries-- I mean ALL. I will make it a memory. I will treasure it. I will remember every single detail. Oh well, remembering is one of my skills. It seems that I can't let the memories go. Somehow, they are just very enticing than the present. Don't you dare raise your eyebrow. I am not requiring you to remember everything but let me just tell what came across my mind as I was writing this. I recalled the week wherein I decided to shut myself up. A week where I decided to be invisible. You tried to reach me out thru social media and in person but I drove you away. Honestly, it had been one of the worst weeks of my life. During those days, the demons inside me awaken and the storms within myself uproared. I went home early trying not to see you in school. What's in my head is I wanted to disappear because things had gotten so bad. I am blinded in the corrupted idea of my own. I disregard all the phone calls and messages coming from you. All I wanted is to stay away from everything. I tried and honestly did try to avoid you. I thought about getting rid of you in my life like we never really met at all. As I was in the process of doing that damn thing, I felt an unexplainable feeling. I felt an excruciating pain inside deep down. Then I came to a point that somewhere along the way, I realized that no matter how much I run from everything, you were the only one I could not let go. You are the only one I could not ignore. You are the only one I could run to in this catastrophic event of my life. I realized that I was so selfish. I am an asshole. I realized I am not only hurting myself. I have also hurt you and it was never my intention. I swear. You have no idea how I am sorry for my actions towards you. Yet you did not leave my side. You still reached me out to check up on me. You showed me that I still got you. No matter I ignore you, you would still be here by my side because that was how you were. Take note, I was so emotionally damaged. I am nuts. I didn't feel deserving but you did stay. What you did made me see things clearer. You proved the saying that friendship isn't about whom you've known the longest. It is about who came and never left your side. Another thing I find you amazing is when I have somewhat thoughts even facts to share that suddenly pops up in my head and I told myself that I should keep it within me and I shouldn't said it out loud. But I cant take it. Give me a couple of minutes, I am going to say it anyway. I can't stand not to talk. It seems like I can't hide anything from you. Like you really know what's behind of my line "Hindi ko alam" whenever I say it. One example is when I created my IG, Tumblr, and Twitter account. I secretly made it and no matter how much I try not to tell you, I eventually told you. And you just gonna give me a look like Im-going-to-pretend-that-didnt-happen. Then you will just say the line "Ang daldal mo talaga" and my response would be "ngayon lang naman" or "selected lang naman sinasabi ko." Albeit I have lots of "palusot" you never get tired of listening to me. You will laugh as hard as you can and tease me. I really appreciate what you're doing. Uh, I noticed that I already talked too much. All I am saying is, the path we are on is unpredictable and profoundly challenging yet fulfilling. I have no regrets despite all the obstructions we met and will meet on our way because this is a path we chose to embark. Life is amazing. Of billions of people around the world, I have given the chance to meet you. I wish you knew how awesome, beautiful, funny, smart you are. Thank you for everything. You're so kind, open minded, optimistic. I guess there is not enough word I can use to describe you. You really are a wonderful person. Take care. With hugs and kisses, Tinebells

[canaryatlaw]

Damn it's late, but I slept SUPER LATE today just because I didn't wake up, lol, so by the time I actually did it was 4:35. Whoops. So I got out of bed and my sister wanted to go to chickfila (like she always does) so I got dressed and took her there. I was going to meet my friends at Denny's at 8 so I didn't want to get too much food, so I ended up just getting a yogurt parfait and their new watermelon mint lemonade which is pretty delicious. Drove back, and started dyeing my hair since I wanted to get that done today. The application went pretty quickly, then I had to wait 45 minutes for it to process, during which I had my sister paint my toenails because I was being lazy, lol. Washed it out and I'm always amazed at just how bright it is right after I dye it. It's like, straight up florescent, and you can't even capture it accurately in pictures lol. I hung out for a few minutes after that and let my hair dry a little before leaving for Denny's and meeting up with my friends. These are of course my friends that I always go to Denny's with since it's our tradition, dating back to when they opened since it was the first Denny's on Long Island and quite the big deal at the time, lol. (We're always the last to get chains, it's really annoying. We still don't have any dairy queens.) Last time I saw these friends in December, the one who had just gotten married had told us she was pregnant, which was awesomely exciting news (even if they weren't planning on getting pregnant like, literally weeks after getting married, they were still very excited about it) and then of course later that same week my cousin told us she was pregnant, which was funny because they have very similar first names. So I was glad to catch up with her and see how she's doing, she's due the end of July so by the time I come back home in August both of those babies will be born and I'll be so so excited to meet them. But yeah, she's doing good, though apparently she recently found out she's only getting 6 weeks off work for maternity leave instead of the 3 months she was originally supposed to get, which really sucks because 6 weeks is still SO early to leave your baby, but luckily her mom is going to take care of her for a while after that before they'll have to put her in day care, so that's good. And yeah, we mostly just talked and joked and laughed, sharing crazy stories and reminiscing on old ones. My other friend is living it up, he went to like, Bali, Australia, and New Zealand since I last saw him which is ridiculously awesome, so I'm definitely jealous of him there. But yeah, it was a really enjoyable time getting to catch up with them like it always is. We decided that when I'm back in August since both her and her husband will be home on maternity/paternity leave (he actually gets slightly longer than her, which is kind of nuts really) and my other friend is generally free during the day with his work schedule, we're gonna have a little party day of meeting the baby and playing Mario kart and eating sugary cereals that we've been saying they have to get me to try for forever now lol. So I'm definitely looking forward to that. Headed home and most everyone was settling down for the night, so I spent a few minutes reorganizing my suitcase with what I want to take down to North Carolina with me since my mom and I are leaving for there tomorrow, and that didn't take very long since we'll only be there through Monday. After that I went downstairs into the back room and watched some justice league, I finished the first season and moved onto the second. The season 1 finale was highly enjoyable, they have to go back in time and stop Vandal Savage (lol) from helping the axis win World War II and becoming an immortal dictator, and of course Diana meets Steve Trevor and then at the end when they saved everything and go back to the present she goes and visits him at a nursing home and it was AH. SO CUTE. Lol. So I enjoyed that. While watching I spent most of my time on Twitter (which is why I wasn't on here much) as part of me and a few friend's campaign to help Caity Lotz get nominated for the Teen Choice Awards Best TV SciFi Actress Award. The votes are counted by tweets and RT's of the tweets, so we took to finding every tweet for her and RT'ing it, along with making some dummy accounts and RT'ing them there and also making quite a few tweets of our own from them because hey, it might not be the most popular show, but dammit she deserves to at least be nominated for this award because she gave a freaking amazing performance this season and deserves to be recognized for that, and I don't feel bad at all about using potentially sketchy methods to make that happen. Idk if it'll actually work though, or if they have a way of weeding out any votes they might consider spam, but I figured it was worth a try and quite a few friends joined me so hey she definitely has a lot more votes now than she did before, so I guess we'll see what happens with that. Worth a shot at least. I probably spent more time on that than I should've, but since I did sleep so late I really wasn't very tired. Hopefully I can still get a fair amount of sleep and not be dragging tomorrow. We have a later flight so we don't have to leave for the airport until 3, so I could theoretically sleep till 2 and still have plenty of time to throw the rest of my stuff together and be ready by 3 (because I'm good like that). So yeah, that's the plan (and in all likelihood I probably will end up sleeping until 2). I should probably still head to bed now, given that it's almost 3:40 am. So goodnight my angels. Sleep tight.