#realizing they are trusted enough to have their truer thoughts regarded as important

[avielex]

Don't mind me, I'll just be taking this whole side story for Jordan's lore...

[nanamicide]

A life of her own - chapter 7

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She is having a panic attack.

Mukuro blinked, trying to figure out where the voice that kept repeating these words was coming from. She knew Sakakura-san had brought her somewhere less than an hour ago, but for some reason, she couldn’t quite make out what had happened since then. Whether her eyes were closed or open, all she could see was a bright shade of red, surrounded by darkness. Other than the voice, the only thing her ears seemed to be registering were their own ringing.

It wasn’t only that, though. Breathing was extremely complicated, and her muscles didn’t seem to be responding anymore. She knew she was kneeling on the floor, but she couldn’t get up, no matter how many times she tried. It was as though her body no longer belonged to her.

Because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence.

She tried to focus on the voice – on what the words could mean, but even that escaped her. Was it even directed at her? Mukuro didn’t know anymore. She didn’t know anything, as if she weren’t really there. Was she dreaming? Was she dead? She had no way to tell, and this worried her. She wanted to scream – scream for herself to snap out of this; scream for someone to save her. Regardless of what was happening to her, it couldn’t be right. That was the only thing she was convinced of.

She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence.

Her chest felt abnormally heavy, making it hard for her to breathe. Still, whatever was now supporting her was softer and more comfortable than the floor. It gave her the impression that she was floating, as if up in the air. Despite that, she still couldn’t breathe properly.

She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence.

Her head was pounding, the pain getting gradually intense along with the urgency and speed of the voice.

She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my exi—

The red slowly began to fade away, until everything went black.

-

When she opened her eyes again, Mukuro had no idea where she was or how she’d arrived there. In spite of that, she was grateful for the fact that she could make out what was around her. Besides, it seemed like she had regained control over her senses and body, which reassured her. She let out a deep, content sigh and closed her eyes again. She was safe. Whatever had happened to her hadn’t killed or harmed her.

“Ah, you’re finally awake, Ikusaba-san. I was so worried!”

She rubbed her eyes and turned to him, having a hard time believing he was there.

If Naegi-kun is here, it means that he was around when it all happened to me, she thought, trying to piece her memories together. It doesn’t make any sense, though. Last thing I remember is walking with Sakakura-san. There’s no way he’d have taken me to Naegi-kun.

“What am I doing here?” she asked.

“Gekkogahara-san told me you passed out during a training session with Sakakura-san,” he explained. “You really should take it easy, after everything that’s happened to you, y’know?”

She smiled back at him and nodded, attempting to hide the fact that she knew there was something about what he’d just told her that didn’t add up. She had never trained with Sakakura-san before, and even if that’s what he’d come get her for, they wouldn’t have needed to go to the faculty staff building. No, there was something weird about what had happened to her, and it probably was something that only she and a few others could know.

“Ikusaba-san, what’s wrong?”

“I think I’m just tired. I guess you’re right when you say I should take it easy,” she lied, hoping it would be enough to stop him from asking any more questions. She didn’t know what any of it was about, but she got the feeling that getting him involved with whatever it was would cause more harm than good.

He stepped closer to the bed and rested his hand on her shoulder. In spite of everything that was going on in her head, Mukuro felt her cheeks get warmer and her heart start racing in response.

“Well, I’ll let you rest then. We’ll reorganize the picnic with everyone else whenever they let you out of here,” he said warmly, smiling at her.

“Okay, sure. Thank you.”

Her voice was weak, but it had nothing to do with the mental and physical fatigue she was currently experiencing. No, it had everything to do with how vulnerable Naegi-kun made her feel. Despite this vulnerability, she didn’t feel threatened or like he would be causing her harm. She felt safe. It was just a shame things were so different whenever they weren’t in the same place.

She took a deep breath as waved goodbye and gently shut the door behind him. She still wasn’t sure why she was here or what had happened to her, but she felt fine. She was aware of the fact it wouldn’t last, but for now, she was happy. Naegi-kun had been waiting by her side for her to wake up. This meant that he had been worried about her. This meant that he cared. But most of all, this made her feel good.

For a few minutes, it didn’t matter to her that he was so close to Kirigiri-san and that he usually talked a lot about her. Her own insecurities about whether she was good for him had disappeared. Not only that, but the sketchy things going on in the academy had also stopped existing. Naegi-kun cared about her. Nothing else mattered.

It really was a shame that she couldn’t feel like this for more than five minutes at a time. It also didn’t help that Gekkogahara-san opened the door without knocking, bringing her back to reality. Hopefully, this wouldn’t be too painful, and she’d finally find out the truth about what had happened before she got here.

“Good afternoon, Ikusaba-chan,” Usami’s voice greeted her. “I’m really happy to see that you’re doing better than last night!”

Last night? I don’t remember seeing Gekkogahara-san last night, Mukuro thought as she sat up. Is she the one that brought me here?

“You don’t remember what happened, do you?”

Mukuro shook her head. Truer words had never been spoken about herself, as far she knew. She didn’t have a single clue as to why she’d woken up here. Still, this didn’t worry her that much. She trusted Gekkogahara-san. She knew that the fact she was bringing it up meant that she would be telling her the truth.

“Is… Is something wrong with me?”

“No!” Usami protested, crossing her arms and pouting. “I didn’t expect you to remember any of it. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you.”

“Why can’t you just tell me what happened instead of… of going on about this. I don’t really care why I forgot what happened. I want to know what happened.”

“You’re going to have to be patient.” The bunny started to move its magic stick in circles. “I don’t want to reactivate your trauma; it wouldn’t do you any good!”

Trauma. The word began to echo in Mukuro’s head, as though she’d heard it recently – as though it was extremely important in regard to what she was discussing with her therapist. In spite of that, she couldn’t make out why that was. She frowned.

“That doesn’t mean you’ll never remember!” The artificial voice said, snapping her out of her thoughts. “We’ll be doing different exercises to help you remember and process the trauma.”

As she heard these words, Mukuro felt her stomach turn. They felt so familiar and yet so foreign, and that sensation was disturbing her.

Trauma. Mukuro’s breathing suddenly got heavier.

Process the trauma. She felt her heartbeat get much faster. It was another feeling that felt familiar and foreign at the same time. She hated it.

Process her trauma.

“Oh god,” Mukuro muttered, realizing that the voice was back. She had forgotten about it until then, but now that she remembered it, there was no way to get it out of her brain.

She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence.

She gripped the bedsheets tightly, attempting to keep herself grounded. She did not want to slip away the way she had when she’d first heard these words. It didn’t matter who had said them. It didn’t matter why she’d been so scared of them. She had to be strong this time. She had to face it.

Gekkogahara-san, who had moved closer to the bed without her noticing, wrapped her hand around her arm and gave her instructions on how to steady her breathing via Usami’s voice. She followed the orders without thinking about it, enjoying the little bunny’s voice more than she had ever had. It was much friendlier than the one she’d been hearing.

A few minutes passed, and Mukuro was back to normal. She looked at the screen and realized that Usami had taken a frustrated expression, as though something was bothering her. She hoped that it had nothing to do with what had just happened to her. She didn’t get any type of clue as to what it was, though. Instead, Gekkogahara-san had her avatar ask her if she could tell her about what had made her so distressed.

“I heard a voice,” she said. “It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Am I going crazy?” Mukuro asked, burying her face in her hands. She didn’t feel like crying, but she felt exhausted. There was nothing enjoyable about the situation she was in – she felt like she had no control over anything that was going on in her own head.

“No, it’s normal. You will need time.” Mukuro looked at the screen again and noticed that Usami looked like she was lost in thought. “This isn’t a very conventional method but—”

“Tell me.”

“That’s what I thought. You want to know, don’t you? Besides, I wasn’t there when you saw him and Sakakura-kun and Munakata-kun weren’t able to give me enough details about what had happened for me to be able to identify any of your possible triggers.” She paused, bringing a paw to her chin. “Yeah, if you’re okay with it we can try it the hard way. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.”

“I just want to feel normal again.”

There were a few minutes during which neither of them spoke. Mukuro hoped that despite her hesitations, Gekkogahara-san would tell her what had happened to her. She didn’t care if it was going to make it hard for her to breathe again. She needed to know at this point. It was the only way for her to get rid of all the confusion and questions.

If only Naegi-kun never left, this would be of no importance to me right now. That’s right, she told herself, I need to have this figured out so I can tell Naegi-kun that we should have that picnic with our classmates already. Then, I’ll confess to him. I’ll tell him how I feel, and everything will be okay.

“Please, Gekkogahara-san” Mukuro pleaded. “I have to know what happened.”

The therapist lowered her scarf and placed her hands on Mukuro’s back, who jumped at the unexpected touch. She didn’t mind, though. At least she would have both her physical and psychological support – she understood very well that she would need it.

“Do you remember,” Gekkogahara-san started, the sound of her voice surprising Mukuro, “Kamukura Izuru?”

Mukuro saw a flash of piercing crimson red eyes staring at her in the darkness of what looked like a small bedroom. Warm tears began to roll down her cheeks as the rise and fall of her chest became faster.

How could she forget the one who was the reason why all these things were happening? How could have her brain shut down the memory she had of the one who had led her sister to her death? How could she have not realized that the voice had belonged to him – the one who had ultimately changed her life?

She cried, choked, dug her fingernails into her arm. Yet, this wasn’t as bad as when she’d seen him. Gekkogahara-san was right there, giving her instructions to regain control on her breathing and heartbeat. The room was also brightly lit, which helped her focus on everything that was around her.

“I can’t believe I’m so scared of him,” she eventually sobbed. “I… I’m supposed to be the Ultimate Soldier, but he terrifies me.”

“That’s alright,” Gekkogahara-san reassured her. “We’ll work on that.”