#realistically i'll probably start posting again the second week of october because i want to try to finish all three parts completely!

[thebramblewood]

AU in which the trio opens a fine dining restaurant. It's like The Bear but with vampires.

[wings-of-ink]

If you're still looking for thoughts on Patreon: I haven't subscribed to many Patreons before, but so far it's been for extras + early access. Unfortunately I don't have enough money to subscribe to everyone I want to or for long periods of time, so I normally dip in for 1 or 2 months when something is released, cancel my subscription, and resubscribe at a later date.

It seems like people are willing to pay more for RO content (like side stories & RO POVs), nsfw content, + early access. So those might be ideal to place at higher tiers? I've also seen some creators do tiered early access. Like the highest tier will get the demo update 1 month early, then the next tier 3 weeks early, etc. with the lowest 1 week before it's released to the public. That might make the higher tiers worth it over the lower tiers, instead of giving them all the same amount of early access.

One concern is that some creators get burnout from having to create all the extra content for Patreon. I think a lot of people underestimate how much time & effort it takes and it may not be worth the payoff (depending on how successful the patreon is). I'd also be concerned that with Patreon extra content + multiple new WIPs there won't be much time left for the main game and it's likely progress will slow down. I've seen this happen many times before, even without Patreon it seems like most creators who have multiple WIPs don't end up finishing any of them.

Absolutely, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate that a lot.

The feedback I've had has given me some ideas on how to streamline what I would do. When I've done Patreon for others, I've rotated support between the projects that resonate with me the most as well. There's so many to pick from, I can't blame anyone for popping in once every so often instead of staying subbed. If you have the ability to afford it, more power to you, but most of us just don't.

Those key benefits are really what I'm wanting to focus on. I do like the idea of a tiered early-access too especially for peeps who just want that.

Patreon burnout is something I want to work hard to avoid; I've seen other creators struggle and stop enjoying their arts too. I want to do this in a way that I can produce things for you to enjoy in a way that is still enjoyable for me too. This is my passion and I don't want to turn it into "work."

I have the benefit of probably being less busy than most others who do this, at least as far as I can tell. I'm married with no children and no plans for any either. I'm older, out of college and settled in the drudges of a career. I've been at my job long enough I could do it in my sleep and it doesn't cause me a ton of stress at this point. When I work on the IF or on Tumblr, it's because I want to and it drives me - it's a form of entertainment for me as well. I'd rather do this than watch TV or scroll mindlessly. Even before I started the IF, I'd get comfy and just write something all evening, lol.

I do also have a tendency to take too much on because I get excited, so I'm using the info I've gathered to help me roll things back and keep myself realistic. So, I've determined that anything I do will be reserved to just a few tiers. We can always grow bigger later. I still do plan to rotate up to 3 projects. The second is to keep me from burnout on GC, and the 3rd is simply an outlet for me that I think others will find entertaining as well.

I have some solid time available coming up in October for me to hammer things out more definitely, so I'll be posting more around then about it. ^_^

Thanks again, my dear!

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Update time:

As per usual I'll put the tldr before the cut and longer rant surrounding my feelings under.

I'm going to have very limited internet from October 13th to 27th, like to the point of probably only having internet for 2 of those days maximum (likely the 16th and 25th but we'll see). With that in mind, please feel free to continue to send messages but just note that I may not answer until the 27th.

There's a good chance that I am going to start blogging again around November 4th.

If I do come back, it won't be as actively as before (but more than now) and there's a good chance that I will veer towards being more of a multifandom blog than mostly a Taylor one.

Okay so longer thoughts around this all... So when I took my break, I wasn't sure how long I planned it to be or even if I could do it at all. Like I had been wanting to for so long that I expected to fall back into old habits within a week. So the fact that I have made it this far, and like with ease, has been incredible. But the truth is that this break had three major goals and I feel like only one of them has been even somewhat fulfilled.

Firstly, and the one that has been somewhat fulfilled, was proving to myself that I could use my time doing something else. And I say somewhat fulfilled because like realistically I'm still online more than I would've liked, just on like Duolingo or whatever relearning Japanese. And don't get me wrong, I still feel like that's better than being on social media for 15 hours a day and it has somewhat helped me manage my time better. Likewise, I do have a ton of offline activities coming up, but they're all temporary holidays. And it may sound weird to remedy that with coming back online but that leads into goal two.

The second goal was to feel more connected to people. Realistically, I still feel the same (very positively) about my offline friends and just feel more disconnected to the community I had here. And now that I think I can balance my time better with social media, I'm willing to try find a better balance for that.

And then there's the elephant in the room, which is tied with the third goal. The third goal was to get away from the noise because honestly? I've had very mixed, but more rapidly negative growing emotions about being in the Taylor Swift fandom since Midnights' release but especially this year, like more so than ever (which, those of you who have been around since 2015 know, is saying something). I had hoped that time away would somewhat subdue the negativity, especially because my expectations for Taylor have been far lower since 2019 than they were previously and I found my way back to her then. But honestly? It only reinforced it. I'm not saying that I hate Taylor or her fandom now. Like I will still go to eras in February and I love you guys, but I can't pretend like May didn't happen or that it didn't have real world/offline effects to people who I love including violence from others and self harm. And more so, I can't pretend like it doesn't make me resentful that despite god knows how many posts and tiktoks and whatever from Taylor Swift fans saying that they've also faced offline harm, people are still acting like this was just a chronically online issue that was 'overreacted' on. And like honestly? This year, and the acceptance that this stuff likely isn't going to change, was the straw that broke the camel's back with that stuff, not the whole issue.

Like my whole view of being a fan has changed; everything from engaging in her music purchasing her music (Speak Now TV was the first time I hadn't preordered it and only own it now because I was gifted it, the same will go for 1989 TV and tbh have barely listened to her music lately), to other media where I'm not as motivated or scared of FOMO as to feel the need to see everything straight away or get more eras tickets (I'm likely going to cancel the accommodation I had for the city I was going to get resale tickets for) and I no longer feel comfortable reblogging any photos that Taylor hasn't taken/approved herself. And that's led to a place where ultimately I feel like I am here more for the community than even being a fan if that makes sense. Like again, I love you all and I don't hate Taylor, it's just more than she's now at the level of just say The Weeknd for me where I appreciate the musicality more than stanning her as a person as opposed to it being both like before. And I've had a lot of fear around that, particularly earlier in the year because I may not be able to have the community without being as involved with the factor tying us all together, but I'm in a far better headspace now where I can trust that that won't be the case but also be fine if it is.

Anyway that was a rant and a half, but the point is that if and when I come back, which may or may not be sooner than I thought, I'll be looking at following more non-Taylor blogs. I still haven't made a choice on level of personal posts though, but I do think it's going to be more of a balance of positive moments in my life and leaving most of my negative ones for myself because while I'd like to think that I've been an honest influence by showing my struggles, a large part of my conflicting feelings about being online is just how identifiable I've been through posting those struggles, especially in a country where any onus of defamation is on the person making the statements. It's honestly a big reason why 99% of my biggest struggles from last year weren't posted, because unfortunately, with how uncommon some of my issues have been, posting them plus the selfies I have over the years (and tbh even without the selfies) has led to feeling like I have a target on my back and I just can't do that anymore. So yeah, this is another rant but while it's not set in stone, if I post anything about my life, it will be more manufactured and 'best of' rather than the whole picture... ironically given I feel like tumblr has often been my diary/venting space for the worst moments lmao.

But anyway, I've ranted enough and it's after midnight here now, so that's where things stand atm.

[bearygentle]

Quick year in perspective:

Holy shit. This year sucked ass and WAY too much happened in a concentrated time but most of that stuff will never happen again, so at least there's something:

Last semester of highschool. Dual enrollment was the worst mistake of my life holy shit those classes were picked bc nobody wanted to pay for em [we had no choice] and it SHOWS

No coincidence that I split a new alter around this time [hi rusty]

Turned 18

Scheduled a surgery for that summer, apparently it's my bad for assuming anyone at college would communicate. At all. [Announced a last minute policy change: my program can't enroll in classes until after we did in-person orientation/tour... which I COULDN'T DO BECAUSE OF THE SURGERY RECOVERY]

Graduated highschool. Won't get my diploma until I complete this early college bullshit tho. Can't drop out. GED for one credit is too stupid, but it tempts me regardless

Close online friend cut all contact the day after graduation in the second-douchiest way possible [first place goes to my ex]

Semi-major foot surgery, exactly a week after that. Tough break!

Couldn't go outside/walk/even drive for most of the summer because of this [suuuuper isolated, fucking hated it]

Our cat, who we've had since I was 9, had to be put down july 24th. We think it was cancer.

Got a kitten the same fucking afternoon, literally 4 hours after, because the barn across from the vet's office had kittens and apparently this was instruction for mom from god. This has been a reoccuring theme for the past few years. [Kitten's a total sweetheart, I do love him but. If you're freaked, imagine living here (￢_￢;) ]

Quit all my meds end of july. Probably the cat was my breaking point. Switched to a mild version of adderall

Quit therapy early august, usual therapist was on maternity leave + the replacement gave me an 'off the books' bpd diagnosis after a 10 question quiz a week after the 'friend' situation. Completely switched gears & got super clinical/aloof, so I ghosted 1 appointment post-cat loss. Fuck you. Shoulda done it earlier.

August's 'late' orientation wasted a whole day for 30 minutes of information. First time alone in public since march 2020. Super nerve-wracking. [Registering took over a week total bc of multiple holds + the hideous website]

Somehow also had the time for an extended derealization episode for basically all of late august/september/october, don't remember much. Might've fucked up my disassociative barriers with that one

Possibly started or finished a split partway thru this semester too, idk nothing noticable came of it but it felt like something cracked in my brain

Endured my first 'real' college semester, super burnt out, too many classes, but guess what!! I have to take the same number this semester OR I WON'T GRADUATE & I LOOSE MY HIGHSCHOOL DIPLOMA. Parents won't let me drop out. But I want too. So. So bad.

Oh also got goldfish + mystery snails! The only positive besides the kitten. A snail passed away a few weeks later, but the other two [+ all fish] are doing fine. [on finals week too, because of course it had to kick it then.] Planning on getting their full-size tank this spring.

Didn't draw, like, at all. My art year in review is half blank because of all this but I somehow did improve significantly so that's a plus???

Conclusion: summer of hell!! Semester of hell!!! Also Reigen the kitten was there. I can't think of anything else that could realistically go wrong, so maybe I'm in the clear.

Hopefully in 2022, I'll go back to therapy [already scheduled appointment with the normal therapist], graduate college with an associates (one semester left + already registered), and keep up the 'getting back into drawing' [especially fanart]. Everything else is up in the air. Also odd taxi movie + spiderverse 2 + maaaaybe mob psycho s3...?

I'm desperately hoping to have my comic starting sometime and do art shit to save up for moving out [no way in hell I'll have the energy for a real job]. Since all my plans fell through, I just need to keep pushing forward and figure out something. I'm still too fucking drained to hold regular conversations, so obviously that needs to be high priority because I feel really bad about ignoring my friends, and I really wanna branch out again. One step at a time, I guess.

At least it's over. I can handle aftermaths.