#real and its driving me insane. so now im in my comfort place crying and thinking about maybe actually asking them

[heir-of-the-founders]

Vent in tags uwu

[bbrandy2002]

The Fall of Cordonia

Chapter Three

Trigger Warning: Infant mortality mentioned, suicide, sexual assault and murder.

A/N: Im a little shook from writing this 😬

Word count: 2342

Characters belong to Pixelberry.

Thanks to my girls @burnsoslow and @emceesynonymroll for prereading snippets.

Tagging: @khakie4 @jemrmax2love @princess-geek @rainbowsinthestorm @annekebbphotography @ao719 @texaskitten30 @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @lodberg @romanticatheart-posts @duchessemersynwalker @cordoniansqueen @burnsoslow @kimmiedoo5 @innerpostmentality @sirbeepsalot @emceesynonymroll @janezillow @cordoniantrash @jovialyouthmusic @dcbbw @moonlightgem7 @polishchoicesfan @jessiembruno @lovemychoices @mallorycortez @angi15h @hopefulmoonobject @gardeningourmet

Nikolas had not stopped crying since being placed in Marguerite's arms many hours ago. She sat on the edge of her bed with him, thrusting her nipple into his mouth, attempting to feed and soothe him;  disregarding the fact her supply dried up months ago. Each time he suckled desperately, his tiny mouth released into an erratic fit, fingers balled into tight fists, unsatisfied with his continuing thirst.

Her scent was different, the sound of her voice unfamiliar, and the beating of her heart did not have the same rhythmic tune that usually lulled him to sleep.

The Princess continued her attempts to feed and bring comfort to him, however, the baby refuses her breast. After the night she had, all the crying, Nikolas refusing to bond with her, sleep deprivation, she wasn't sure if her plan would be plausible, if this child would ever accept her as his mother.

She rose from the bed and gently laid him in the bassinet that sat directly next to her, staring at his swollen, bright blue eyes, that were full of rage and fear. Those same eyes were similar in color and form as her own newborn son, except his had been void of any emotion...there were no tears, no blinking, no pain, just stillness.

Her own eyes began to mist as she thought about that day,  privately delivering a stillborn child, two months before her due date. She knew the minute she saw the soft, downey hair of blonde that covered his small head, the father was not a current King, but, rather, a former prince.

Nikolas was the closest thing she now had to keeping her miserable reality a distant memory. Nearly the same blood that coursed through his tiny veins, was the also the one that burned with desire and passion for her almost a year ago. Would Leo ever accept this child as his own? He had been so relunctant to before, but, now, just maybe, if he held their baby in his arms, would she be able to entice him back into her world. Except, this wasn't their sweet baby, she wasn't his mother and Nikolas was making damn sure, without a doubt, she knew it.

Feeling depleted, she plopped back down onto the bed, the sheer volume of his ever continuous crying, driving her to the brink of insanity. She was positive, at that moment, all of Monaco could hear the weeping of the young prince of Cordonia; it was almost a symbolic gesture of his first duty, to share the downfall of his country and to share his displeasure.

Her hands began to shake uncontrollably and an intense pressure started to rise in her chest that caused breathing to become laborious.

She had to silence him somehow and quickly, to end the nightmare of her own enduring agony.

With her first real attempt at being a mother, seemingly failing, she called for her maid servant, unable to take it any longer. She hastily wrapped Nikolas in the blanket he arrived to her in, which bore a tiny phoenix in the corner,  the crest of his mother's house. Marguerite dropped the child in the arms of her servant, at which time, his crying began to subside. She made explicit instructions to rid her of the reminder, that once again, her failure to secure an heir and the man she lusted for, would be in vain.

The servant bowed and shuffled from the room with Nikolas nestled in her arms.

Marguerite turned to face the wall opposite of her, the one that held the sword of generations of Monacan monarchs, her tiny hands releasing it from its mount.

Gripping the pommel, she held it in front of her, and with a deep breath, thrust the blade into her gut and twisted. She fell back onto the bed as pools of hot blood flowed at her sides. The Princess ran a finger down the cool, shiny, silver blade, embracing her pending death and inevitable peace.

******

Liam directed Paul to take the remains of his step mother back her quarters and placed with dignity in her bed. He then ordered the other guard to lay the Countess with her, until proper arrangements could be made, if it ever could at this point.

With Regina and Madeleine's death happening within the walls of the palace, he was wrought with nausea, pondering who else had succumbed to this senseless atrocity. He wanted to believe Bastien's words that it was possible, Riley and Nikolas were safe, yet, the Auvernal army was able to breach the guard and protection of the palace. They had successfully taken out two of the most powerful women in Cordonia, the Queen and Prince was sure to be a bullseye in this sick game of wit and intellegence.

It was exactly one year ago yesterday, when against his better judgement, his new bride was beckoned by Queen Isabella, to visit with her in Auvernal, while they were in Texas. In a rather hostile move, Isabella, without hesitation, put on a troublesome display of the military might of her country, in what could only be construed as intimidation.

In a rather bold move, she tested Riley's ability to literally withstand the heat, a test he wasn't surprised she accomplished flawlessly. Would Liam really be able to outwit his opponent without his queen by his side? If Bradshaw was the man Isabella described him as during that trip, obviously weak and vulnerable, she could potentially be far more dangerous than he was.

When Nikolas was born three months ago, both Riley and Liam agreed their son would not be part of a marriage agreement. They both felt that what they shared and their experiences together, was far more important than any political alliance. A healthy relationship built on love made the monarchy stronger in their opinion.

They both knew the reprecussions of their decision, yet never expected an all out war for it. He presumed the greatest threat to Cordonia would be an embargo on trade with one another and political alliances, that he in turn would render economic sanctions against them. Would he have changed his mind had he known this would be the fate of that conclusion? He didn't know, not yet, it would depend on the personal cost to his family and his people.

Last night, Liam was sure that he had lost everything that truly mattered to him, but, something in his heart gave him a sense of peace. He had always told himself that he didn't exist without Riley, yet, here he was, living, breathing and feeling. Liam could sense her in his soul and he was prepared to move heaven and earth to bring her and their baby home to him.

He sat down at his desk, eagerly awaiting word from the Italian officials, to give him an update on the retaliatory attack. Francesco was already working tirelessly to gather other allies together and provide security and assistance for Cordonia.

Bastien found an unbroken bottle of scotch in the cabinet and poured two tumblers of it, handing one to Liam. They eyed one another, both in understanding of the calamity that would be ensuing, knowing it had to be done.

Bastien raised his glass to the King, gesturing for one last toast, in light of the situation.

Liam swirled the contents of his glass before tapping that of his head guard's.

"To my King and Queen, long may they reign"

Liam nodded in kind to Bastien, then downed the liquid, "To My Queen...".

*******

Leo dropped to his knees, clutching the hole that burned in his stomach, with a mixture of shock and remorse scrolling across his face.

"You were saying?", Bradshaw asked, before Leo fell face first to the floor, his head bouncing from the surface.

Bradshaw casually placed the gun back into the safe, pulled a handkerchief from his suit pocket, and wiped the moisture and soot from the palm of his hand.

He strolled over to Leo, dropped to one knee and lifted his lifeless head up by the back of his hair. "Leo, Leo, Leo....it appears we both have something in common....we never miss our targets". He mused, thinking about Marguerite and her lost baby, that neither he, nor,  Leo wanted anything to do with. He releases Leo's head and it thuds to the ground.

The King's informant ushers into the room with fervor, asking permission to speak about grave information.

"Your Majesty....intelligence from Rome has informed me of an impending attack on our city by the Italian's in retalliation of Cordonia".

"How much time do we have?".

"Just under an hour, sir".

Bradshaw furrowed his brows, preparing to unleash his next plan earlier than anticipated, but, it was, afterall,  his ace in the hole.

Bradshaw leads his guards, dragging a bloodied Leo behind them, leaving a crimson trail out of the dining area. They walk briskly down the corridor and to the room where he is holding Riley hostage. He directs his men to throw her brother in law on the bed next to her.

Riley is barely conscious, she has a few broken bones and extensive bruising throughout her body. She watches groggily as they enter, then lets out a blood curdling scream as she catches sight of Leo's gunshot wound. Its then that she realizes she was a hostage. Recognizing Bradshaw immediately, she makes a concerted effort to move, to run, to fight back, however, the pain is too great.

Bradshaw orders everyone out of the room, his guards, the nurses and servants. He checks the video feed and when he is sure it is ready, he sends a direct link to Liam's email; time was of the essense.

As he waits for Liam to respond, he eyes Riley, admiring her petite frame and curvacous figure, just as he had the day she was first introduced to him at Valtoria. He licks his lips, as lustful thoughts take hold of him and he trails an unwelcome finger down the length of her cheek and across her neck. She was his prisoner, completely dependant on him and he wanted nothing more than to hear his name screaming from her lips.

He leans down, licking her face and across her tightly closed lips, feeling greatly aroused by her whimpers and powerlessness. He runs a hand across her flattened stomach, only covered by the thin white gown the nurse changed her into.

He grabs her cheeks with one hand and squeezes harshly until she can no longer keep her mouth closed; he immediately thrust his unwanted tongue into her own as she tries to pull away. His mouth catches her every groan with the deepest pleasure and he inhales her barely escaped breaths.

"Get the fuck off my wife!", an irate and panicked Liam yells as Bradshaw pauses his assualt.

He looks behind him at the laptop, set up for this particular moment, seeing the ire and disgust on Liam's face. Bradshaw curls his lips into an evil grin, this was more satisfying than he had anticipated.

"Riley! Love...can you hear me...I'm right hear...I'm right here", his voice cracking with relief at her survival.

Bradshaw lets out a small laugh, "And she is right here.....I assume you will be calling off your minions....or is it boom boom for...your love".

"Liam....I love you", Riley forces the words out of her lips with a horrendous sob.

"Sweetheart, oh god, I love you too....is Nikolas with you, is he alright?".

Bradshaw interrupted, rolling his eyes, "Oh please, spare me of the sickening declarations of love.....are you calling off the Italians or what Liam?".

Liam motioned for Bastien, giving him directions to contact the Prime Minister at once to halt their sssault immediately.

"What do you want Bradshaw?", he asked, while Bastien made his call.

"You know what I want."

"A political alliance and a marriage contract between our children...do I still have a child, Your Majesty?".

"You do....not that you'll benefit much from him".

Liam let out a shaky breath, closing his, thanking God for the knowledge that his son and wife were still living.

"I'll ask again, what do you want then?

"Surrender Cordonia to me".

"No Liam, don't!", Riley yelled out, before Bradshaw turned, smacking her harshly in the face.

"DAMN IT BRADSHAW!". Liam screamed in anger and frustration, feeling completely helpless.

"I give you your wife back, tell you where your son is, and all you have to do is surrender your reign and country to me".

There was no question what Liam's answer would be, however, it wasn't that simple, "I can't...not without consent from the council....this isn't something I can control alone and I presume half the fucking council is dead".

Bradshaw shrugged his shoulders and pursed his lips, "Then I have no choice but to force your hand further".

"What do you mean?", Liam asked, knowing he did not want to know the answer to his question.

Bradshaw, still positioned next to Riley, reached over, gracing one of his hands up her thigh and the other cupping her breast over her gown. Riley began to cry out, begging him to stop.

Liam stood from his desk, watching the exchange, "I'LL DO IT....I'LL DO IT.....JUST LET HER GO!!!".

Bradshaw ignored Liam and Riley's cries, immensly gratified by his complete control over them...he was the puppetmaster.

Liam had both hands clutching his hair, tears streaming down his face, his whole body shaking, "You fucking peckerhead, so help me, I'm going to rip your throat out".

Bradshaw tugged on Riley's panties and he groped himself through his pants, slowly pulling down his zipper.

With Liam still screaming in the background, Riley turned her head, unable to look at her husband as Bradshaw prepared to defile her.

She stared at Leo, whose head was only a few inches from hers, his eyes starting to flicker open. She let out a fearful gasp, as her legs started to slowly part and Leo could see the trouble in her brown eyes.

Inhaling deeply against the pain he was wracked with, he bolted up, grabbing Bradshaw around the neck with such force, the King thought it would pop off his shoulders.

Bradshaw hit Leo in his wound, while trying to tear the powerful grip he had around his neck.

Leo took his other hand, placing it on the jaw of the man before him, and twisted as hard as he could., until he got the desired snap he wanted.

[rossetteaaaaang]

Pinagtagpo pero di tinadhana

A story about two lovers that who fall and break for a reason. Trisha's pov I was in the middle of thinking about something, when my eyes got stuck in a man who's laughing with his friends. He got a shining eyes, pointed nose and dark but nice skin. I was never been this amazed with a man. I got choke with my own saliva when his eyes met mine, I immediately busy myself with the food in the table. I heard them laugh, after a minute it became silent so I slowly look at the stand where they are staying and they're gone, I took a deep breath. I was never been this nervous in a guy before. 'Oh, I've been staying here for 4 hours already pfft.' This place really got my attention. I love the designs and their food also. I don't know, there is something here that made me want to always go back. By the way I am here in Yoo-hoo restaurant. When I am bored in the house, I always go here. Well, I do really nothing haha. I don't have friends because I'm just new here. I stayed in Newyork for about 7 years. My mom told me that this is her hometown in Cagayan de Oro city. Well, it is nice here though. 'Kringggg kringgg' 'Oh, my mom' I answered. 'Hello mom?' 'Where are you!' She yelled in the phone. I close my eyes real hard. Here we go again. '*sigh* mom, I didn't go far okay? I'm just here at--' she interrupted what I was about to say. 'I know, you're at that restaurant again. How many times do I need to tell you that, stop going there huh?' She yelled. I really don't know why mom hate this place. It is nice and so comfortable to stay with. 'Okay okay whatever. I'm going. Mygad mom I'm already 22 yet you're still--' okay fine she ended up the call. When she knew that I was always going in that restaurant she became the beast that I didn't know she'll become pfft I mean, she's so angry that night and when I will ask her why she just always telling me not to ask anymore. Whatever, old woman now a days *rolled my eyes* 'Hey mom' I said and then kissed her forehead. 'You spoiled brat did y--' I cut her off 'Yes mom yes sorry okay?' Im here at my bed searching something, scrolling through my news feed and suddenly someone add me. 'Hmm, Troy Gabriel huh. How come he knew me? That's weird' by the way, he's the guy who I described earlier hmm. [Troy Gabriel have one message] 'Omg?' TG: [You changed a lot wow. You look like a Goddess] huh? Did he know me before? [Excuse me, if you wouldn't mind. Did we met before? You seem so familiar.] TG: [secret] what? So annoying, so I just seen the message. TG: [Heeeeey? You there?] [You're always be my seenderella] [I'm not yours] I replied TG: [hmm] Troy Gabriel POV I missed her so much. But, it seems she didn't know me. I still love her. In those 7 years that we're apart. My love didn't change a bit. That's why when I saw her in our favorite restaurant, my heart skipped a bit. Is there a chance that, she still love me? 7years ago (flashback) 'Hey babe, where do you want to go hmm?' I asked. 'Anywhere babe as long as I'm with you.' She said and then she hold my hand. 'How sweet pftt happy 5th anniversary babe' I said then kissed her forehead. 'Happy 5th years of being enemy babe' she said then laugh. What a beautiful view. I stared at her beautiful face. I can't imagine my life without her. I just love her so much and I will do everything for her. 'Let's go?' She said. 'Hmm' I nodded. We just keep on talking, laughing about anything while I am driving. We decided to go to Palawan. Then suddenly a large truck came our way. I tried my best to get away but I lost control. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital bed. 'Hey gab thank God you're awake.' My mom said while teary eyes. 'Mom? Where's Trisha? Is she okay? I want to see her--' I said and then when I was about to stand up she stopped me. 'Darling, im sorry but--' 'But what mom! I need to see her' I shouted I can't explain the feeling. 'Her mother decided to bring her in newyork okay? I'm sorry darling but she is unconscious she needs to be treated there. She needs a good doctor.' I cried while hearing those words. Its my fault, its all my fault. 'How many days I was sleeping?' 'One  month gab' she replied. It was really bad, huh. I will never forgive myself if something bad happened to her. After 1month and 3days I'm finally discharged in the hospital. I called her many times but I can't contact her. I chatted her in all social media accounts but I didn't get any response, so I went to their house. I press the doorbell many times but no one appeared. Even their maid was (wala). Is it that bad? I need to see her really. When I was about to go, someone park a car. I was so excited maybe it was her. But when I saw that its her mother and there's no  Trisha appeared. I immediately run to her mom and asked her where Trisha is. 'Tita where's Trisha? Is she okay? Tita I'm really sorry I did--' she stopped me. 'From now on you need to start your life without her. She doesn't need you anymore. She is okay without you. Your just putting her in danger! And she doesn't deserved someone like you. She lost her memory and its all your fault. As a consequence I will not let her know you.' 'wha-t? What are you saying tita? We promised each other! Where is she? Tell me Tita please tita' I kneel down begging for her to tell me where my Trisha is. 'I don't like you for her. She don't have future in you now go away' she said then went to their house.' (End of flashback) I tried my best to move on and forget about her. Even if it is so hard. But, I need to, for myself and for the people who still needs me. I smoke, I drink liquor everyday to forget her. I always go to the bar. I tried many girls. But there is no change. Its still her. 'Argg' I punch the punching bag real hard. I'm here at my mini gym. I saw her! And all of my anger were gone. I just want to ran to her and hug her tightly. My seenderella I missed her. That's why I searched for her social media accounts and then I found out that she has new account and then I added her. Gladly she accepted it. I will make her fall in love with me again.. Trisha's POV 'Hays, what am I gonna do here' I'm bored. [Someone's calling] 'Hmm who's this?' I answered. 'Hello?' 'Hey shang, where are you?' 'Who's this? And why did you know my nickname?' 'Long story shang hahaha' he replied. 'Wth? And where did you get my number? And who's this!?' 'Chill shang its me gab' 'Gab? The one who chatted me last night? Wth? Are you a stalker or what?' 'Of course not! You putted your number in your fb account.' Hmm ahh yeah I did. 'Ahh okay. What do you need?' 'Lets date hmm just a friendly date.' 'Are you insane? What if you're killer or what? I still didn't remember anything from the past and then I'll be dead no way.' I said hysterically. 'Hey, chill there seenderella. Do I look like a killer? Pftt and wait? What are you talking about, the past?' 'Never mind.' I said. No one should know it. Mommy told me that I'll start my life with something new. But sorry to say this that I really want all my memories to comeback and I will do everything I can to have it. 'Come on seenderella. Its on me. You don't have to bring money. My treat. Besides I'm really bored right now and hungry also. Come on.' Hmm, should I trust him? Well, I'm bored also. Okay, I'll just bring my pepper spray. 'Okay, where?' 'Yes! Uhm *clears throat* sorry. Where do you want to go?' He asked. 'What? Why me? You're the one who planned this out so you should be the one to decide where.' 'Okay what ever. Let's go in Mega mall. I'll pick you up' he said. Hmm okay he'll pick me up-- wait what? 'What did you say? Hey did you know where---' he ended up the call. What ever dude. Its your problem anymore. After 20 minutes.. 'Trisha there's a guy waiting for you outside' yaya maling said. 'Okay yaya thankyou.' It is him? He is really a stalker. How come he knew my nickname and then our house? I get my bag and then went out. I saw him beside his car. Hmm he's really handsome though. But I don't like him. Its just that there's something in him that makes me comfortable. 'Let's go?' He said while having a big smile in his face. 'How did you know our address huh? You're really a stalker' 'I have many source pftt. And this kind of face? Stalker? Really seenderella?' He said while smirking. 'What ever dude let's go' he is about to open the door for me when I stopped him. 'I'm not disabled I can do it by myself' 'I'm just trying to be a gentleman here. Attitude ka siszt?' 'Well I don't need it.' I said. 'Woah, chill there. Okay fine.' He said then went to his spot. [We arrived at the mall] 'Let's watch movie?' 'Sure, you said awhile ago you're hungry? Are we not gonna eat up first?' 'Your hungry also? Oh, okay sure. Lets go.' 'Not really, its you' 'oh so you're concern now?' Our day spent well. We enjoyed it well. Days passed being like that. We don't have days that we're not together. We always bond, eat foods and going everywhere. Until one day, we went to Palawan. I remembered this.. 'Ah, my head hurts.' 'What? You okay? What happened?' I stared at him for a long time. 'I  finally remember everything.' Gab' POV 'What? You can now recognized me babe?' Teary eyes as I said to her. 'Yes babe' she said while crying 'Sorry babe' she added. 'Hey, its okay. No don't cry please. Thank God you finally remembered me.' I said while hugging her. 'Let's go to the hospital. You need to be checked babe.' 'Sure' she said. I was so happy finally. [2years later.] Trisha's POV Since I remembered everything. Everything seems to be perfect. Mom and I have talk and I forgive her. Also Mom and Gab. But something's went wrong to Gab. He changed. I don't know. He's always telling me that he's busy. Every time I planned out a date. He always refused. I need to ask him. I'm confused. [Calling gab...] 'Hey babe? Where are you' I asked. 'At house why?' 'Come here please let's talk. I need to ask something from you.' 'Sure, I need to tell you something as well, Trish.' He said. Trish? Is he mad? I'm nervous. [Minutes later] 'Hey babe, you're here.' 'Yeah' he replied. 'What do you want? Juice coffee?' I asked. 'No need. Let's talk about the main reason why I'm here.' 'Oh, okay' 'Now, ask' he said I sigh 'Gab? What's wrong with you? Do you still love me? Did I do something stupid again? Are you mad?' He close his eyes hard. 'Sorry Trish' he said. Tears start flowing down my face. 'So-sorry-- what? What Gab?' 'Let me explain first Trish. Okay? *sigh* I'm sorry. This passt few days I felt nothing anymore. The spark, my feelings were gone. I'm sorry I need to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt you and fake my love.' 'You're already hurting me Gab!' I shouted. It hurts so bad. What happened gab? 'Do you have new? That's why you're like that?' 'No I don't have pshh. I spent the whole two f week to sum up everything, Trish. I'm sorry. I don't know why I ended up this way. I need to find myself first. I'm sorry. Please do take care of yourself.' He said. 'Noooo, Gab please. Let's talk. What happened please' Im down on bended knees. I hug him but he refuse and then he leave. [4months had passed] Those 4 months was hell. I tried to message him but all of his social media account was deactivated. Even in the text I can't send him maybe he blocked me. I didn't have any strength to the point that all the food that I intake, my body refuses it. I tried suicide many times but I guess its still not my time. I t is really sad, that the person we thought to stick with us through thick and thin is already gone not thinking about the promises that they had made, not thinking about the memories that you had build together, the sweetness you had shared and the laugh and happiness you felt when you're still together. It is sad and depressing but you need to move forward for yourself and for the people who love you. I realized that, people come and go into your life but they are either a blessing or a lesson. I trust God and the process. I believed my man was just stock in the traffic. And he is the one who will keep on choosing me everyday even if how hard I am to handle with. And to Gab.. Its been 4months and 19 days since the last time we talked. Hoping you're doing good. Wherever you are right now. I hope that you took all of my advises that I thought you before. Be a better version of yourself. I'm also thankful for the days that I am with you. I experienced to loved and be loved. But I know its just a temporary moment. I'm sorry that I still misses you everyday. But don't worry, I finally accepted everything. I'm sorry for all the wrong decisions that I had made. I wish you all the good things in life though, you left me unattended. Do not rush things if you feel that you're still not ready for doing so, farewell old buddy, till we meet again. Be safe and be happy always. No more hate, no more bitterness. I hope I could tell you these so we can be good friends. But I know things won't turn out the way I wanted it to be. God allowed us to love each other, fall and break for a reason, so be it. Our pains will soon be our testimony that love is somehow isn't all about being together forever. I won't forget you and I will treasure our memories together. Please love your next as much as I loved you before. I guess and I hope that you have found someone better that I am. Thank you for the lesson, babe. Till we meet again.

#Short Story #Creative writing

[endwalkr]

this is an ask based thingy but im really in the mood to infodump so im just gonna answer them all under the cut !

Favorite video game?

starting off with the absolute hardest question huh? i can’t possibly name ONE favorite game of mine because i adore my favorites for many different reasons. my overall favorite video game is ffxv or botw. ffxv because it has brought me so much joy for such a long time, and because i have such a connection with the characters. botw because i was actually in the fandom when it first got announced in 2016 so i got to be there when the hype was at an all time high– and finally being able to play the game after waiting for so long was an unforgettable experience. i have more favorite games but ill talk more about them in the ‘’special place in ur heart’’ question.

First console you owned?

my first console wasn’t a console. my friend and i used to play on her nintendo dsi all the time and at one point tiny little me reeeally wanted one of my own so i saved up and got one in [redacted] when i was 7. my first actual console was a wii though, we got that around the same time.

A game that holds a special place in your heart?

ffxv and botw mean the absolute world to me, but super mario galaxy and skyward sword are very important to me too. skyward sword is the game that got me into zelda which got me into anime which got me into final fantasy etc etc etc.  super mario galaxy was the first non-mini game collection and more adventure story-ish game i played. i was so proud when i beat it for the first time and mario was my first ever ‘’fandom’’ :’) 

Favorite video game character?

bro. i cant pick just one so i’ll choose one per game : prompto, ryuji and link. they were all my comfort characters at some point and i projected like crazy onto them. this doesnt mean that i wouldnt absolutely die for noct or zelda. 

Least favorite video game character?

i dont think theres anyone i distinctly dislike? i always talk about hating ardyn but that’s because he’s just a salty bitch. as a character i think he’s a great villain and i rly love him. i honestly always end up liking everyone somehow, maybe there is someone i just forgot about but i cant remember at all. 

Favorite genre?

adventure games, or action rpgs. 

Video game character you’ve had a crush on?

every character ever, but i distinctly remember the moment i fell in love with prompto sjghfkshd i was watching a playthrough of xv in december 2016 because i didnt have a ps4, and the guy got to the scene in galdin quay where the bros learn insomnia fell. i had watched about 6 hours of the game by that time and wasn’t particularly interested in the characters but not uninterested enough to drop it. i hadnt even gotten a good look at the characters faces yet, so when the camera zoomed in on prompto when he said ‘’might not be save for us here!’’ i noticed he had freckles. oh god. oh fuck. oh my god hes fucking cute. oh my god better watch 30 hours of this game now

First video game you remember playing?

wayyy before i got my own gaming systems, my then-best friend had a gamecube in her attic. i was around 5 or 6 at the time. whenever i was over at her house and we didnt know what to do, she’d sometimes propose to play ‘’mario kart’’. important is that we are dutch, and i was a literal child. i thought mario KART meant it was a fucking card game, so i always declined whenever she asked. on one fateful day, i finally gave in and was pleasantly surprised it was in fact not a card game, but a viddy game. so we played mario kart double dash. (…i had never played a video game in my life besides browser flash games and was Very Very bad)

Age you started gaming?

so i played my first video game that i didnt own when i was about 5 or 6. then i got my first supply of games at age 7/8, but i dont really consider that time to be when i started ‘’gaming’’. i’d say that was when i started mario galaxy, so i’ve been playing video games for real (ie. story adventure games with boss battles) for about 6 years now.

Hardest video game you’ve played?

this is gonna sound stupid, but the witcher 3. there’s like 7 difficulties and i played on the EASIEST and still had a hard time, i just couldnt get used to the combat. i had the same problem with assassin’s creed syndicate, but after about 10 hours i actually knew what i was doing, and ive played the witcher longer than that and still am clueless. this is kind of an unpopular opinion but i dont particularly like that game

Video game you’ve spent the most time on?

i guess i am what you’d call a casual gamer; i really like video games but during a normal school week i only game for like 2-6 hours. most of the time i dont play for like 2 weeks if im busy. gaming has kind of taken over my life not because i play so much but because i get so emotionally invested lol i’m currently on summer break and even now im not playing a lot because of exhaustion and executive dysfunction. this derailed slightly but the game i’ve played the most despite my casual gamer status is …. … …. ffxv. surprise, right? the runner up is botw, but xv wins by a landslide. 630+ hours. botw is 350. my main save in ffxv is almost 200 hours i think. damn. i really managed to keep myself entertained with that game… (………i was thinking recently, since the loading screens in xv are so long, how much of this total amount was spent watching screens. i imagine it’s several hours, especially if you fast travel a lot.)

Most embarrassing gaming moment?

many moments in my gaming experience are embarrassing, but a more recent one: i was in xv’s postgame, beating some dungeons on my new save file. i had just finished daurell caverns and hadn’t saved in about 2 hours. (uh oh) i was driving around in the regalia type d and got to the big cliff near lestallum, and remembered someone made a gif of jumping in there so i wanted to try it too. i imagined the game would just put me back on the road, like it does when you crash into something. except it didnt. i got a game over. where was my last save? 2 hours back all the way in hammerhead. yippee.

Scariest video game you’ve played?

i never play horror games, cuz for me games are supposed to be relaxing experiences. no hate towards horror games of course, they just stress me out. the only time ive played horror is when friday the 13th was for free on ps+, and my friends really wanted to play it. (theyre kinda addicted to it now. huh) they had already gotten over the initial fear of having jason chase you, but i was still terrified. i can play the game without getting scared now tho. the horror sound effects just rly freaked me out at first jhsdkghsd

Most memorable gaming moment?

playing breath of the wild for the first time, or beating it for the first time. both experiences were filled to the brim with excitement and nostalgia. seeing botw as a blank slate, a world for you to explore, having no idea where you’re going… that was pretty incredible. now i know every nook and cranny of the map, so i wish i could play it for the first time again. i was so incredibly immersed. beating it was insane. i cried for 30 minutes and the end wasnt even sad, i was just so amazed at the fact that i was really here, playing breath of the wild, it was really real. the fucking main theme in the background (which i cannot for the life of me listen to without crying) didnt help with my emotions sgkdjh

Video game character you wish you could meet in real life?

…………..its prompto again. maybe 2017 me …. was .. kind of a kinnie

PC, Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo?

i dont care about console wars at all, but i think hardware-wise, pc is the best, because if you have a good pc you can basically do anything. i however do not, so i just play on consoles. ive never particularly liked xbox, so i only play ps4 and nintendo. not the switch though. its kinda petty, but my best friend and i really dont like the switch djghks

Gaming company you’re most loyal to?

none. i used to call myself a nintendo nerd (oh my god…. i m. gonna die) in like 2015 but since the switch came out and since i got a ps4 they kinda lost me. i still like their game series of course, but as a company i don’t care for them. the only reason i see square enix as one of ‘’my’’ gaming companies is because ffxv took up like 70% of my gaming experience, but besides final fantasy i don’t really love them too much either.

If you could only play one video game for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

atm i’m really into ffxiv because theres just so much to do, but that’s just a new, possibly temporary interest. if i had to choose, i’d say botw. maybe i’d say ffxv, but i feel like running around doing nothing in that game isnt very fun, because the world is sorta empty after completing every quest and getting to level 120. in botw, just fucking around on your horse is still really relaxing and nice. 

Do you use strategy guides?

yup. in certain games i try to avoid them but i usually end up stuck or in need of advice. i couldn’t have gotten so many p5 trophies if not for the internet lol

How often do you use cheats?

never, simply because the games i play often do not have cheats. unless im playing the sims and are in need of a motherlode, i dont use them.

Competitive or single player?

single player. im bad at video games and like to do stuff at my own pace. online multiplayer can be fun every now and then in games like mario kart 8 or splatoon, and i also like teamwork stuff like ffxiv or comrades. but ultimately, i prefer playing on my own.

Video game character you want to/have cosplayed?

have never cosplayed, dont have plans to either, but it would be fun to cosplay link. omg. i just remembered i have that fucking chocomoogle shirt… sorry link im gonna slap on some sasuke hair, black jeans and ugly sneakers 

Ever go to a video game convention?

i have not, i have however gone to three (3) video game concerts which is basically the same thing. 

Hardest boss fight you’ve been in?

the hardest bosses for me are usually the ones with a gimmick. you have to use a certain item or tactic to beat them or something. other hard fights for me are when you fight someone with a similar skill set. (in ffxv, this happens twice, once with the iggy-noct sparring match and once against ardyn. somehow, the final boss was easier than getting the prince to eat vegetables.) i don’t know an actual example of THE hardest boss fight ive been in though. at the time, the first bowser battle in mario galaxy was the hardest thing in the universe and i got stuck for like a month. currently, i’m having trouble with the riku-ansem fight in kh1. 

Video game you wish you could burn from your memory?

the zelda cdi games? no, i dont really know. i dont hate a game so much that i’d want to forget about it altogether, but i dont exactly love ocarina of time that much. it hasnt aged well and playing it on the gamecube for the first time in 2015 wasnt a good idea. im sure it was revolutionary at the time, but i cant handle the outdated controls gsdgksjs 

Favorite gaming series?

see, i love ffxv itself more than the entirety of the zelda series, but i dont love ff as a SERIES more than the zelda games. so if were talking series, zelda for sure. i fucking love those games and they mean a lot to me. 

Do you skip tutorials, or find them useful?

i often skip them because i cant pay attention, but then find that i need them anyway. so i usually do skim through them. 

Best online gaming experience?

one really good one happened a few days ago in ffxiv, some guy and i exchanged emotes for like 30 minutes and it ended with us becoming friends on psn :’) ppl dont usually emote back at me in that game so this was really wholesome and nice gjshksdj 

Worst online gaming experience?

i dont really have a worst? theyre more annoying. think try harders in gta online killing you 15 times in a row because they want to show you how good they are or something. magically, online gaming hasnt been too hard on me (mainly because i dont game online that much)

Why do you game?

it brings me joy. it’s a fun way of relaxing, while being stimulated at the same time. games have meant a great deal to me the past 6 years and i wouldnt want to lose them for the world.

[critterreads]

This is Home

More 'Trauma AU' drabble based on this song, cuz its my thing. This takes place before and after Panic Room, heads up so i dont confuse you. Enjoy.

Warnings: gore, demonic presences, and mention of execution/off screen murder/death

_

Smii7y wasn't like the others, he was different. Craig never knew why until one day he asked him a question. "Do you love anyone?"

He didn't respond at first, he was silent and looking at the ground. Craig could see tears building up in his eyes but what he said took him by surprise.

"Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess, this avoids the stress of falling out of it." Sighing and speaking before Craig could respond. "Are you tired of me yet? ... I'm a little sick right now but I swear, when I'm ready I will fly us out of here."

So many questions flooded his mind. He's sick? Fly us out of here, how? Can't fall in love? Tired of him? No!

"Smii7y, im not tired of you ... and how are you sick?" With a face of concern.

Smii7y pulled his hood off of his head to reveal white rooted hair with brown ends, rather long than what he would have it. Then pulling his hoodie completely off, showing a white tar like substance oozing from a hole in the left side of his chest.

Craig's eyes widened, he knew what that was. "You're ... infected with the Angelic Virus ... aren't you?"

Again, Smii7y was silent. He didn't know how to handle the fact that he was slowly losing grip on what makes him human but, he knew he need to act like nothing was wrong. For the sake of the others. He looked over at Craig before speaking. "I'll cut my hair ... to make you stare." His hand now placed over the oozing scar. "I'll hide my chest and I'll figure out a way to get us out of here." Craig smiled knowing of Smii7y's good intentions but still feeling horrible that he might lose him.

-

John seen Smii7y sitting there staring and gazing at all of the colors the stained glass mosaic art projected into the lounging area of the mall. It wasn't like him to act this way. So John came over and gave him a nudge. "Turn off your porcelain face." Smii7y snapped out of his trance but didn't look over at John, who is now sittng next to him on the bench. "You're so zoned out. What were even thinking about?"

Smii7y began to run his fingers through his white, feather like hair. "I can't really think right now and this place has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane." Finally looking over at John, who's face was written with concern and confusion. He knew the reason for it too.

"Are you dead? ..." John chuckled. "Sometimes I think I'm dead cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head. ... But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet."

Smii7y knew he was trying to change the subject but he couldn't let it slide, his life is on the line. "John, ... my eyes went dark. ... I don't know where my pupils are. ... But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here."

Although he was still confused, John just smiled. "Whatever you say Smit." He leaned over and kissed his forehead before walking away. Not knowing that one meaningless kiss would change their lives.

-

Sirens could be heard everywhere, lights flashing to light up the dark presence that was looming. Everything was a blur, he barely noticed the body being hauled into the ambulance. He was just focused on getting to John, trying to figure out what happened to him.

When first seeing him, Smii7y would have been terrified. Blood painting the interior, furniture thrown everywhere, John with black tar seeping from his red eyes yet, his virus made him feel nothing. Instead he stood there looking at John and wondering if this was his fault. Why John was infected with the Demonic Virus, the more darker, violent, and twisted version of the Angelic Virus.

People began to surround the house, each of them holding cattle prods or tranquilizers. Smii7y knew what was about to happen to John, he didn't want it. He overheard one of them saying "Get a load of this monster." before attempting to shock him. John started to speak but it wasn't english or human. Another person spoke with concern. "He doesn't know how to communicate." "For all we know, his mind is in a different place." Chimed another.

Smii7y became sick of it. "Will everybody please give him a little bit of space!" He yelled. Slowly, he began to approach his broken friend, offering him a hand to grab. John looked at him for a moment with sorrow in his eyes but they quickly turned back to their demonic nature.

John screamed and shadows lunged for Smii7y. He jumped up and dodged the attack but his feet never touched the ground again. Everyone was in awe, except for one person. While everyone stared at Smii7y, he took a shot. Johns face flashed with pain before collapsing. Smii7y gently floated down and stood above John, his face with almost no guilt upon it.

The people came over and grabed Johns paralyzed body, beginning to take it to the black armored truck that was parked outside. Hushed whispers about what they were gonna do to him began to flood Smii7y's head. "They will most likely execute this one, he is too violent." "Most definitely." The other agreed. Smii7y quickly walked out the door and flew off.

-

He booked it down the halls, looking for room 304 on the third story of the hospital. He kept thinking of how much this was his fault, if he would have known about John sooner, if he hadn't left mentally for a week that they all wouldn't be here, how if he wasn't infected ...

As soon as he walked into the room he wished he could cry at the sight, instead, he could only stare. Smii7y looked around the the room and seen that others were there. Daithi was leaning against the wall, Moo was standing over Tyler, who was sitting next to Craig's unconscious body.

Smii7y sat on the ground next to Daithi, curled up and hugging his knees. He knew this was his fault but he didn't want to admit it.

"Get a load of this trainwreck." Tyler implied while staring at Smii7y, who seemed unphased by the words. Daithi spoke up. "His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet." Rubbing Smii7y's hair and giving a light chuckle.

"But little do we know, the stars welcome him with open arms." Brock walked over and gently lifted Smii7y's face. He smiled at him, then it turned into concern when he saw Smii7y's blacked out emerald eyes.

"Well, you're not wrong about that." Smii7y effortlessly spoke out. He knew what possibilities layed in front of him, but didn't want to think about it.

Brock walked back over to Tyler, who was confused about why Brock defended the white haired boy who isn't grieving, or even comforting any of them. He just sat there rubbing Craig's hand, wishing for him to wake up.

Smii7y was staring at the two but shifted his gaze Craig. "Time is ... " he tried to continue but the remainder of his human nature began to break through his infected body. "Slowly ..." his voice now in a quiver and tears began welling up. "Tracing his face. ..." finally they flowed. He touched his face to see if it was real, that he actually had emotions. He have off a panicking laugh, blush slowly took over his face.

Daithi and Tyler were confused by what was happening but Brock walked over to him again. He shushed him with a soft tone, giving him the box of tissues as well. Smii7y slowly calmed down, after all of the stuff he had done causing him to began to drift off to a doze.

"What is wrong with him?" Tyler huffed. "It was his emotions finally breaking free for an few moments. He cant feel like the rest of us." Brock just sighed at the sight, and softly spoke while looking to Craig's motionless body. "But strangely he feels at home in this place."

~

Im sorry it took me so long. But i finally finished it at 3 in the morning about a month later than expected :D Feel free to ask questions if u want.

[tw-fandom-imagines]

Stiles To The Rescue

TRIGGER WARNING-MENTION OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Im really sorry if this upsets anyone, this is just what came to mind when I saw all the quotes together. You can find the prompt list here if you want to pick a number and a character :)

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Request-3, 10, 12, 13, 17, 25, 29, and 71 for the drabble prompts with stiles please, i love your writing uwu

3-"I know it hurts."

10-"I'm right here, okay?"

12-"Are you okay?"

13-"Who did this?"

17-"This is going to hurt"

25-"I'm scared."

29-"It's okay to cry."

71-"I've got you."

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We all thought James was a good guy. The whole pack liked him, except for Stiles of course, he wasn't one for outsiders. When he told me that he liked me I thought it was genuine and I thought Stiles was in love with Lydia so why not go out with someone, someone that was paying attention to me and not the obviously pretty girl. We went out on a few dates, everything seemed to be going really well, I enjoyed his company and I didn't think about Stiles all of the time. James was a good person, we all didn't know about his dark side until he got jealous. We were out to dinner and Stiles texted me, just telling me to text him when I got home safely, what we did every night that we didn't hang out, its what friends do. I was in the bathroom when my phone went off at the restaurant table, coming back to see James with my phone in his shaking hands, from the rage coursing though his body. When I walked over to the table he took the glass that was in his other hand and threw it, it breaking on the wall next to me, some glass flying into my arm. I of course freaked out both in pain and anger as James called me name after name as I stood there, holding my arm and bleeding. As I yelled at him, following him outside and screaming I that I never wanted to see him again, I was already on the phone, calling the one guy I knew I could count on when push came to shove.

"(Y/N)? Are you okay?" Stiles asked as he picked up the phone, hearing my crying on the other line.

"No, Stiles, I need you to pick me up, please." I begged, hoping that he would drop everything and come get me, to come save me from this nightmare.

"Where are you?" He questioned as I heard him shuffling around on the other line. Once I told Stiles were I was he demanded that I stayed on the phone with him in case that James came back. He was just as surprised as I was that James went crazy. I dried my tears before Stiles got there, not wanting him to see me cry. Once I saw the familiar powder blue jeep, I sighed in pain as I got inside, a shocked Stiles in the drivers seat. He looked at me and then at my bloody arm, pain in his eyes. He just shook his head with a sigh as he started driving.

"Were you busy when I called? I'm sorry if I interrupted something." I apologized and Stiles shook his head as he drove back to his house, knowing that my parents would kill James if they saw me like this.

"All I was doing was research with Star Wars, Revenge Of The Sith, playing in the background. You didn't interrupt anything and even if you did, you are more important." He said shooting me a small and comforting smile. The fact that the boy I had the biggest crush on was saving me from my crazy, now ex-boyfriend, was insane to me. Once we got to Stiles' house he jumped out of the car, running to my side of the car and helping me out, making me wince in pain from the small jump down out of the jeep and onto the ground.

"I know it hurts." He said as he helped me inside, Stiles and I both looked at the Sheriff with wide eyes as he stood in the living room with arms folded one another. He was about to scold us for coming in so late at night, Stiles probably not even telling him that he was leaving when he left, but then he saw my body arm and his face softened.

"Who did this?" He asked, going to reach for my arm, making me wince in pain.

"It was James, he just...snapped." I said making the Sherriff sigh and grab his keys, tears brimming his eyes, he always did have a soft spot for me, ever since Stiles and I were little kids.

"I'm going to kill that boy." He said leaving the house, making me smile for the first time tonight, both of the Stilinski men, helping me. Stiles chuckled at his dad before he pulled me towards the bathroom, wanting to clean me up and get the glass out of my arm.

"C'mon. I've got you." He said making my heart sore, he did have me, he was taking care of me when I saw down and he had my heart, fully and completely. I sat on the edge of the sink, trying to get my arm closer to Stiles' eye level so he could see what he was doing as he patched me up.

"The Perks of getting beat up and have Scott's mom be a nurse, you pick up a few things." He said making me smile as he grabbed the first aid kit, smiling softly at me as he looked at my arm, sighing as the fabric from my shirt kept falling in the way.

"Stiles, I have a tank top underneath, I can take it off so you can see better." I suggested and he nodded with a small gulp, was he, nervous? I took my top off with a groan as it went over my arm, he quickly looked my wound and shook his head as he reached into the first aid kit, trying to get the things he needed.

"This is going to hurt." He said, making me take a deep breath and nod wanting him to just get it over with. As he began to take the glass out of my arm, tears started to form in my eyes, but I shook them away, knowing that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop.

"It's okay to cry. I would be bawling like a baby if I was in your place." He said as he began to clean the dried blood from my arm, making me chuckle slightly knowing that he was being completely serious. As I watched Stiles, his tongue poking out from between his lips slightly in concentration. His eyes met mine and I looked away, not wanting him to start to think something was up.

"I'm scared, Stiles." I said as he bandaged me up, and stood in front of me. I was scared for many reasons, I knew I could hold my own when it came to James but mostly I was scared that he would hurt Stiles.

"Hey, he isn't going to hurt you when I'm around. I'm right here, okay?" He said, pushing some of my hair behind my ear. We were beyond close, he was standing between my legs, our breath on each other, our eyes locked.

"Can I tell you something?" i questioned, suddenly becoming very brave in front of the boy who I liked for a long time, the boy who saved me tonight. He just nodded silently, not wanting to break the space between us.

"I only went out with James to get my mind off of you, my mind is always filled with you Stiles. I've loved you since the 3rd grade." I confessed making his eyes go wide like a little kid and he smiled, making me cock an eyebrow at him.

"I thought you weren't into me so I never even tried, but when you called tonight, and I was the one there for you, and I saw what he did to you, my hear broke. You deserve so much better, you deserve the world, and if you'd let me, I would love to show you what real love actually is." Stiles said making me smile and nod, not fully believing what the boy in front of me was saying.

"What about Lydia?" I asked and he sighed, his nose brushing mine as he stepped even closer to me.

"What about her? You were the first girl, not her. I've had my eyes on you since the first day of pre-k when you shared your juice box with me, when the big kids took mine." He said making us both laugh, it was nice, nice to know that the boy i loved, loved me back and that he had my back, rain or shine. My night went from a date, to a disaster, to something I never thought would happen.

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag. 

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling. 

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria. 

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow. 

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt. 

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste. 

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash. 

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart. 

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number. 

Ill be back. 

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep. 

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday. 

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning. 

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me. 

I’m sweaty. 

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone 

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea- 

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress. 

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting. 

I just want to play candy crush. 

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams. 

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me. 

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast. 

Shauna puked everywhere. 

I think she’s leaving. 

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant. 

And she has an infected injection site on her arm. 

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts. 

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan. 

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day. 

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches. 

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends 

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills 

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable) 

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished 

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC 

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day 

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt 

5. My face 

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember 

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital 

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here. 

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions. 

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall. 

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys! 

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room. 

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books. 

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect. 

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth 

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here. 

What an anecdote. 

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper). 

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk. 

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad. 

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing. 

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic. 

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash. 

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is. 

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone. 

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think. 

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all.  Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind. 

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

 Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely. 

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke. 

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age. 

I’m happy she’s not my roommate. 

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back. 

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did 

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s 

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting. 

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes? 

Its off putting also. 

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn. 

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow. 

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!! 

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush. 

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions- 

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County 

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County 

Tuesday 

7:10 am 

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night. 

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it. 

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world. 

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out. 

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car. 

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it. 

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night. 

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here? 

Newsflash, asshole, I am 

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st. 

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo. 

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties. 

7:27 am 

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights. 

Almost 8 

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil. 

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut. 

I don’t like waiting around. 

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time. 

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast. 

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird. 

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack. 

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down. 

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out. 

I miss my parents. 

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next. 

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting. 

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack. 

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it. 

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t. 

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting. 

I think its around 1 pm. 

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk. 

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless. 

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor. 

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe. 

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is. 

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting. 

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point? 

6:50 pm 

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour. 

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak. 

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement. 

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur. 

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool. 

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left. 

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA. 

New girl who I don’t know 

New guy Brandon- wears vans 

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones. 

Bold move. 

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that. 

Now I just kill time until mom gets here. 

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now. 

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!! 

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great. 

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen! 

Goals for tomorrow- 

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time 

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed. 

11am 

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired. 

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this. 

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs. 

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen. 

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop. 

Shirt is leaving today. 

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild. 

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch. 

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke. 

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me. 

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now. 

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough. 

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment. 

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left. 

Gonna go try to get more crossword 

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower. 

Crazy Tad just said hi to me. 

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show. 

My shirt smells like Keenan. 

Also its almost snack! 

Hmmmmm 4? 

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it. 

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired. 

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur. 

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!! 

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh. 

Time to lay down. Again. 

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again. 

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets. 

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down. 

Just want to stop crying. 

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious. 

844

Singer has 12 different personalities. 

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research 

9ish 

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me. 

Thursday 

- if… because then 

- one day at a time 

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today. 

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5 

2 more free meals! 

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it 

Nurse Nadine is so sweet. 

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later. 

930

I’m going to get a watch 

I don’t like not always knowing the time 

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

 Don’t know her name 

But I don’t want to 

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win! 

I’m getting sleepy, fuck 

I have like 8 hours to kill 

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal 

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted? 

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy. 

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it. 

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote 

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went. 

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom 

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9. 

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~ 

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon 

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, ��like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet. 

Also, they said I could keep 19! 

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles. 

After lunch 

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth. 

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young. 

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved. 

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back. 

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice. 

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here. 

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it. 

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working. 

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet. 

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck. 

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand. 

[spacegayapollo]

some bad news and why I havent been on much lately

its not that i feel the undying need to justify my lack of posting but more so to just get it all out in one spot, publicly. Most the people this all involves has hard/long explainations to how they are related to me.

So just before my mom came back from her spring break vacation, i get a phone call from my step dad (he WAS married to my mom, they broke up but me and him are still very close and i view him more of a healthy father figure than my own dad) that my dog has stomach, liver and intestinal cancer and has around two weeks to live. Beyond heart broken i pack as much shit i can and head over there (he lives about half an hour away) to spend as much time with my beloved Mulligan as i can. Every night was filled with booze and scream-crying.

Cindy, my step dad Randy’s girlfriend who lives with him, confesses to me shes scared Randy is going to up and leave us to move to Squamish (a very small beautiful town a few hours away). Cindy runs a foodtruck in the city and her 7 year old daughter just started school in the city. plus her kids dad lives in the city, too. making it impossible for her to move with Randy.

Now having spent two full weeks living at Randys my mom is starting to get pissed off, and very very jealous. When i told my dad whats been going on (i havent lived at his house for almost two years now) he become even more angry and upset that i have hardly been spending time with him. He even tried to bribe with the fact that hes going to see my little sister (havent seen her for over 4 years) this weekend to talk with her mom and try and figure out if she can visit us, Then to make things even more stressful, Randy asks if im moving in forever. Not the first time hes asked me to move in with them either.

In my dogs honor and memory, i get the same tattoo he has in his ear on my wrist. This upsets whos relationship with me i can only truly capture by discribing it as an asexual relationship. Me and Efrat have an incredible bond but she is straight and im not super duper into sex with others anyways. She is convinced by our mutual friends that right before my dog dies is a perfect time to tell me she is hurt and upset about my tattoo. She also has the same tattoo as her dog. I get beyond upset. I start crying my eyes out and yell “do you think youre the only one with this kind of tattoo in the whole world? My fucking dog is about to die and you seriously thought right now is a great time to bring this up?” she replies by admitting “I dont know what i am trying to get out of this conversation” and before i think to do anything worst, i storm out of her house.

Its a very common thing for people who are close to me to completely avoid me when i am very angry. So Efrat doesnt talk to me for three days. In those three days i call her of a total 15 times. She sent me one text saying “cant talk right now.” desperate to get a hold of her i call one of our friends to see is she is with her. Our friend tells me she went to the Island to visit my friend Eden.

This is where i get livid.

Eden has been my bestfriend since we were 4. She sadly had to move away in highschool so i saw her a lot less. After highschool she moved to the Island. Her roommate is a very charming guy. Efrat went to visit them once with her at the time boyfriend (who was a trash human to me all through highschool) and she falls for Edens roommate.

To make this situation perfectly clear; Efrat left to go try and hope on some dick and get high while i was losing my mind over my dog dying and the fact that Randy might ditch. All of this she knew very damn well about. And she ignored me and did not say she was going to the Island.

The day comes where we have to put down Mulligan. I can say with a sure fact that i have not lived a worst day. This was 5 days ago and i still have yet to stop randomly breaking down on the bus, at work and waking in the middle of the night crying my fucking eyes out. I dont hear a single fucking word from Efrat. We held a bombfire by the beach that night in honor of my pup that all my friends came to. She told others she was coming, but as you can guess did not show up. Didnt even send a simple text saying “cant make it, sorry.”

Two days later my best friend says her girlfriend cheated on her. Their breakup quickly gets out of control and all i will say is that the cop are involved. So she and my other friend stay the night with me at Randys place. While feeling like i am losing all control of everything important to me i somehow manged to comfort her. I finally get a hold of Efrat.

In prior nights my friends had seriously brought to my attention how damaging my relationship really is with Efrat. They encourged me all through the week to stand up to her and basically say cut the shit.

Being the stupid piece of pathetic shit i am, i crumble at the sound of her voice. Eventually we get to the point where i ask “what now” she tells me she doesnt want to cut me out but maybe slowly ease me back into her life. Somehow in all of this i am now treating her like the victim.

We have been planning a trip to Isreal (where shes from) since the beginning of the year to go in may. I have the whole month booked off and tons of money saved up. But after all this i dont think i want to go. Thankfully the tickets arent bought so i still have a little bit of time to figure that out.

I also thought shit at work was FINALLY getting better having my Chef fired and my sous chef that i so dearly idolize come back. But now hes acting really really different towards me. We have what is pretty obvious the closest relationship anyone has at work. We get alone perfectly, and deeply respect eachother. He even confessed i was the real reason he came back to our kitchen. But we arent roughhousing like we normally do, he hardly asks me to come out for smokes with him and i cant remember the last time he told me one of his amazing stories from when he was younger. Its crushing me that i have no idea if i have done something wrong, or if hes jealous of how close im becoming with our new chef, or if its something so unrelated to me and hes just taking it out on me because he knows i can handle it. I look up to him so much and it was so fucking hard the first time he left that i couldnt handle losing him again. so this is driving me fucking insane.

It really feels like every aspect of my life is going up in flames and the only positive thing i have to look forward to is American Gods coming out soon. Theres hardly any good shit happening in my friends lives so i cant even be happy and proud of them. Theres close to no healthy distractions avalible to me.

[takeachanceff]

Changes: Chapter 20

Melina "I'm ending it" he said looking me in the eyes. "Okay" i said making him smile. "Trust me baby our family is gonna be safe" he said before he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I trust you" I mumbled then I smiled at him. He went back on the driver side then turned the car on. We pulled off from the hospital parking lot. The day I met Rickey was the worst day of my life. All he did was pick on me and call me names. I hated the fact that my dad would make us talk to each other. He's been a thorn in my side ever since. I put my window some to get some air. We've been driving in silence. I looked over at Jason admiring his features as he concentrated on driving. We both agreed for him to take me to my mothers house. I didn't want him to be since I'm pregnant there isn't much for me to do. His words wouldn't get out of my head. He doesn't know that I got an abortion when I was 18. I was terrified at the time to tell my father and Jason. This was a couple weeks after Rickey raped me. I wasn't sure if the baby was his or Jason's. It scared the hell out of me. I prayed that it was Jason's because at the time we weren't using condoms. We always talked about having a family together even back then. I never had the heart to tell him because it killed me to see him so sad. He constantly blamed himself for me having a 'miscarriage'. It took him weeks to get himself together. Should I even tell him? What would be the point? Closure? Would he hate me? [Flashback 7 years ago] I've been in bed for the past couple of days. My father and I still are talking. All the things he said about Jason and our baby. He doesn't know the first thing about him. My father is the last person to fall about anyone he was married and was still unfaithful. So please save me the lecture, I'm not even sure if that baby was Jason's. That scares me more than anything. My baby is gone, and I'm the blame for that. I let my father talk me into getting rid of the baby. He told me that he was going to disown me and my baby. I'm only 18 I haven't moved out yet. Fuck. A tap on my window caught my attention. I carefully got out of bed and opened my window to Jason in. He'd sneak in when I couldn't stay at his place. I went back to my bed and got comfortable under the covers. He smiled and lied next to me. "You think the baby will be a girl or a boy?" He asked and my heart broke at his question. I didn't answer trying to hold in my tears. "Mel, if you're worried that I'm gonna leave you. I already told you that I'm not going anywhere. I'm not my father I refuse to leave my child behind" he assured me. I turned to face him and sniffed. "J-Jason it's not that" I finally got out. "Then what's wrong? Why you crying ma?" He asked now looking concerned. I shook my head then closing my eyes shut trying not to cry harder. "Baby please talk to me what's wrong?" He said I felt him put his arms around me. "I-I can't you're gonna hate me.." I said hiding my face in his shoulder. "I would never hate you I can only understand if you tell me. What's going on?" He asked again. I stayed quiet for a bit trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him that the baby was gone. "I'm here for you baby it's okay" he said rubbing my back. "I-I lost the baby..." I admitted. He didn't say anything and the tears came out more frequently. "I'm sorry please don't hate me" I begged. He still remained silent but he held me tighter. "Our baby is gone?" He asked in disbelief and I nodded still crying in. "How?" "I- I miscarried" I lied. I feel horrible lying but I can't tell him that I got the abortion it's too much. "Mel I'm so sorry I should've been there for you baby... I'm sorry" he said before kissing my cheek. "I should've been there I could've protected you" he continued. "J its not your fault-" he cut me off. "I could've done something all this stress wasn't good for you now our baby is gone" he let me go then ran his hands down his face. "Damn it..." ................. I put my head back and looked out the window to look up at the stars. After twenty more minutes of driving we finally pulled up to my moms houses. We were welcomed by by flashing police lights. Jason parked and turned off the car. I took my seat belt getting out the car walking up to the house Berle being stopped by a cop. "Excuse me ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to back up this is a on going investigation" the cop said. "This is my mothers house and my son is in there" I stated trying not to get annoyed. "Ma'am please just stay back and let us do our job" he said putting his hand out to back me up some. Instead of getting pissed, I left it alone and let them do their job. "What's going on?" Jason asked walking up behind me. "I have no idea" I mumbled as I folded my arms. "Is my son okay?" Jason asked the cop. "Sir just let us do our job" he said clearly annoyed. "Where the fuck is my son man?!" Jason yelled. I held his arm to get him out of the cops face. "Stand behind the line or I'm taking you to jail!" He yelled back. "For what asking about the well being of my son!" "GET BACK THERE OF IM ARRESTING YOU!" "YOU AINT GOT PROBABLE CAUSE NIGGA!" Jason yelled back. "Baby stop" I begged. "Nah these niggas get badges and they think they over the law" he said before clenching his jaw. "Jason stop please" I said before another cop came up to us. "Are you Jason Hennigan?" He asked. "Yeah" he answered then the cop handcuffed him. "You're under arrest" he said making my heart drop. "For what?" "Drug trafficking, you have a right to remain silent anything you say will be and can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney-" "Drug trafficking?! What the fuck?! I ain't do anything!" Jason yelled as he was put in the cop car. "Wait wait you can't arrest him" I said. "Yes ma'am we can and we did have a good night" they took him away and I could feel my breathing become heavier. Teri He held me tight and I couldn't help but embrace all of it. All of him. My mind finally slowed down. I was in the safest place I knew of, his arms. Even know a cold and wet room he made it feel like the warmest place on Earth. We didn't speak much, but we knew what each other were saying. "I'm gonna get us out of here" he said looking down at me. "Okay.." he let me go standing up to pace the cell. "I don't know how we're gonna get out-" "Where you think you going?" A voice said catching our attention. I looked to find Jerrod. "Open this fuckin door" Derrick said through the grit of his teeth. "Oh you think you tough huh?" Jerrod asked before laughing. "You really think you getting out of here easy" he continued. "Where's Rodney Jerrod? I'm not playing your games" I finally spoke up and he looked at me. "Don't worry about it?" He mumbled. "You'll see him real soon" "Stop fuckin playing with me and tell me where my son is!" I yelled getting irritated. Jerrod knew how to test my temper. He laughed and start to head out. "Hey! She asked you a question" Derrick yelled. "And I chose not to answer her" he replied uninterested. "Why don't you let me out this cage face me like a man?" I've never seen Derrick angry and I'm not sure if should be turned on or afraid. Jerrod kept his back turned to us which pissed me off even more. "I swear to God tell me where the fuck my son is" I said through my teeth. Jerrod chuckled and finally turned to face me. "You wanna how manny really died?" He asked. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked bitterly he then smirked walking closer to the cell. "You've always been mine Teri way before you were aware of it" he said putting his hand behind his back. I scoffed at his words yeah this nigga is looney. "I knew he had a mental illness so I decided to play on it" he started. "I knew from the moment I saw you that you were mine. He was in the way so I had to get rid of the problem. I watched how he interacted with you and even got to know Manny ol boy" "What did you do to him?" I asked before clenching my jaw. "I did nothing he pulled the trigger himself. I just made some adjustments" "Meaning what Jerrod" I semi- yelled. "I maybe fabricated some images with you and some other guy maybe even a couple of fake phone calls with you and some guy to drive him insane" he stated nonchalantly before smirking. "You son of a bitch!" I yelled charging at him before Derrick held me back. "I knew killing him self would be too messy so why not make him kill himself" he said shrugging. "Jerrod imma fucking kill you!" I said trying to get out of Derrick's grip. "No need to get all crazy now one of us will be dead but it won't be me" he said. "You wanna bet" I said and he chuckled. "I think your surprise can be here a little early" he smirked. "Man fuck outta here wit yo shit" Derrick yelled. Jerrod didn't respond he smirked before heading to a door. He unlocked the door and motioned someone to come forward. I noticed that it Rocko walking with him and I walked closer to the cell. Jerrod whispers something to him. "Roc open the door honey" I said to him. Rocko didn't say anything he just stared at me with a blank expression. "What did you do to him?" I asked disgusted. "Nothing just enlightened him" Jerod said smirking before leaning down to whisper to him. Rocko nodded and pointed a gun at us. I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath. "Children simply don't forget Teri you of all people should know that!" he yelled. "Shut up..." I mumbled. "Like when your father resurfaced after all those years leaving you in that empty apartment with no food, no lights, absolutely nothing," "I said shut up!" I yelled. "It hurts doesn't it?" Jerrod began. "To be reminded of your past you try so hard to run from it but here I am to simply remind you. That you can't run from what your past had you to be" he smirked. My father... That old son of a bitch. 17 years ago Atlanta, Georgia. My friends and I were outside playing hide and seek. It was getting dark and they all had to go inside before the street lights came on. "Bye Teri see you later" Ronnie said to me as he got on his bike. I waved back at him as he peddled away. I then walked back into the apartment building heading up to the second floor to the unit I lived in. I opened the door and took of my jacket hanging it on the rack before I closed the door behind me. There was some lady passed out on the couch she wore a short red skirt with a white shirt that had a stain on it. I didn't like coming inside but my dad would have a fit if I stayed out too long. Sometimes he wouldn't notice I was gone. I walked toward my room and I entered. The room only had a lamp with no cover on it, chipped red paint on the walls, and a fire escape. I closed the blinds before sitting on my bed. I decided to turn on my radio that was sitting next on my dresser. I found a station and looked under my bed found my small toy box. I looked up and saw my brother Noah standing in the door way. "Hey kid" he said walking in. "Hey" I moved my dolls aside and to let him sit down. "I wanted to talk to you about something" "Okay" "Well I've decided to go into the army so I can get money and get you out of here" I gave him a look. "Look I know I know it's not the greatest idea but it's a start, I can make enough money to pay for us to get a house and pay for your school" he explained and I remained quiet. "I'm always here for you kid" he said before pulling me into a hug. My dad stood in the door way and he sniffed. He just got high. I didn't know exactly at the time that he was on cocaine, but I did know that something wasn't right about him. My brother let me go and clenched his jaw. "What you want?" Noah asked him. "I-I need you to watch your sister" he said before he sniffed again. I shook my head and turned the radio down. "Don't I always?" Noah stated. "I'm going on a uh business trip I'll be back" my dad said. "When will you be back?" I asked. "Soon," he stated then leaving the door way. "Wait? So you just leaving and we barely got any money or food and you just leaving?!" Noah yelled. They argued for a few minutes before my father finally left. The next week my brother enlisted in the army leaving me in the apartment he told me that he would call our grandparents to come get me, but that took two months. I was only nine. My father didn't reappear until a couple years ago. Rodney was three. 2 years ago The whole family gathered at the park for the family fish fry it was a big turn out as always. I picked up Derrick and Trey from the airport this morning. I was so happy to see him l; I needed his around. Everything was going great, despite my paranoia. I have my three favorite people with me so I'm good. For now. My family really likes Derrick, that's a good sign. He's playing basketball with some of the guys in my family. The girls were bombarding Trey with questions and pictures. Rocko was playing with the other kids; he was running and laughing. Maybe I shouldn't be so paranoid. I got a chance to catch up with a lot of family members that I use to be very close to. "Teri" mama yelled from the table she was sitting. She motioned me to come here. I walked towards her to see what's she wanted. She pulled me away from everyone. "What's up mama?" She stayed quiet as she continued you to walk me towards the parking lot. "Did I do something-" I stopped in my tracks when I saw my father... "What the hell is he doing here?" I tensed up and could feel my getting pissed by the minute. "Teri that's your father" my grandma retorted. "I don't care" that nigga hasn't done anything for me. He wouldn't shit then; he ain't shit now. "You haven't changed a bit Teri. Still angry with the world-" I cut him off "You don't know anything about me" I looked him up and down before clenching my jaw. "You didn't give a shit as to where I laid my head or what I was doing. You abandon me and my brother in a dirty house. What the fuck you want from me?" my grandma gasped. I hate that I'm saying this in front of her, but I'm so pissed I don't care who's watching. "What your tongue young lady" he retorted raising his voice. "Go to hell!" I got louder. My grandma tried shushing me "Teri you're loud the family is going to hear" "I don't care let em all hear!" I yelled. He stepped closer to me closing the gap between him and I. We had an intense stare off. I can't stand this mother fucka. What he did to me is unforgivable... "You're dead to me" "Mommy, can I have soda?" Rocko asked while running up to me breaking my glare from my dad. I looked at him and smiled softly "You can a have a juice" I picked him up and looked back at the both of them. "So this is my handsome grandson. You look just like your mother when she was a little girl" my dad said while looking at Rocko. I rolled my eyes and looked away. I started walking back towards the cook out with Rocko in my arms. I love my grandma dearly but why in the hell would she make me talk to him for? I hate with everything in me. .......................... "Rodney man put the gun down" Derrick said to him breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked at Rodney and he had an emotionless facial expression. What did he tell you? "You don't wanna do this Roc" Derrick said to him. "Whatever he told you is a lie Rocko" I said. "She's just trying to get in your head son" Jerrod said to him. "JERROD SHUT UP!" Aaliyah We been driving for hours and we've stopped at every possible spot in LA that Trey could be. I looked out the window and sighed. "You hungry?" DC asked. "Uh yeah" I said sitting up. "Aight, we can stop at this In and Out Burger right quick recharge then get back at it" he said pulling into the parking lot. He parked and I looked at him. "What's wrong?" "Umm I don't think we should go into together" "Why?" "Paparazzi will get the wrong use and put out a story about us then it's on TMZ and it just looks bad" I explained. "You right you right you know what you want ?" He said as he nodded. "Yeah" I told him what I wanted and some money. "Keep ya money I got it" he said giving me my money back. "You sure?" I asked. "Yeah it's cool " he put the truck in park and got out. I pulled out my phone and went through text messages from Trey and I they were short except for the one as I was making a couple meetings. I was very stressed out about a lot of things. 'I miss you a lot babe. And I want to take the time to tell you that you mean everything in the universe to me. I cant describe how happy you make me and how much I really do love you.' Sent at 5/17/16 3:49pm. I didn't realize how long I was reading that text until I heard Nick open the door. He hands me my food bag. "Thank you" I said with a small smile. "Your welcome" he said putting our drinks in the cup holders. He then puts his bag aside to start to the car and put his seat belt on. We pulled off and started this search again. I took my food out and started to eat a couple fries. "Nick?" I said catching his attention. "Yeah?" He answered with a fry in his mouth. "what if Trey isn't in the state or even in this country?" I asked. It took a moment for him to answer. "I ain't even think about that Li but that's stretching it don't you think?" He said briefly looking at then looking at the road. "Yeah I know it's stretching it but we've looked all over this city" "I don't know where to look ma" he said. "Can we look at least?" I asked. "We'll see" he mumbled. "We'll see? Nick this is an emergency like we can't just wait around-" he cut me off. "Just chill aight we gon find him!" He yelled and I shook my head. Yeah okay.

[crybaby-since1996]

I'm not okay

I can say in confidence that I have never experienced a feeling like this before. I wish someone could tell me what this feeling is, because its all uncharted territory to me and I feel so lost.

I feel like my entire body is engulfed in flames. Every nerve, every vein, burns. I've never felt so much physical pain, without any physical force being inflicted. How can something psychological cause so much physical damage? Is my body self destructing? Turning against me and attacking itself? Because that's what it feels like. How can someone cause me so much agony, without ever lifting a finger? How can a fabricated event in my psyche cause me to hurt so much?

I see you, with other people. It's never premeditated or intentional, it sneaks up on me, and once it's there it's nearly impossible to escape it, like a nightmare that never ends. When my guard is down, it appears out of nowhere. When I'm driving to work, or doing chores, even having sex with you isn't sacred from my dark thoughts.

I see him, on top of you, shoving himself inside of you, sweating and breathing like a rampant, compulsive animal. I see you on your knees, with his cock in your mouth, I see your eyes looking up at him, like he's exactly where you want him to be. It repulses me to the point of being physically ill.

Even though these visions are fabricated from my anxiety driven imagination, they feel all too real. And why wouldn't they? You've painted me a clear enough picture for me to connect the dots. I wish you had never told me how much you like sucking dick, or how you only fuck guys that have massive cocks, or that you don't use condoms and like letting men cum inside you, or how your friends watched and heard you fucking him and then were kind enough to share all of the details with me. As if I really wanted to know. Its haunts me. Sometimes I can't even bear to look at you because the images are branded into my mind, and I can't shake them, no matter what I do.

I see the way you looked at her, the way you have never looked at me. Even a decade from now I don't believe you could ever love me like you loved her. I see you on one knee. I imagine what you said when you proposed. I imagine your vows to her. I imagine your wedding day. So many words, so much unequivocal love and infactuation that I will never get to experience. I know you still love her, way more than I'm comfortable with. It stings every day that I have to share you with someone else. She still and will forever possess a piece of you. It doesn't feel fair.

I don't know how I can possibly miss someone I have never met, but I do. I mourn the loss of someone I never knew. I will never regret a choice in my life as much as I regret not knowing you sooner. I miss you, the you that was before you met her. I thought maybe if a person could change you with spite, deception, and abuse maybe I could help you find yourself again by mending you with love, kindness, and friendship. But I'm beginning to fear the damage is too deep for me to repair. I know it takes time, but some things just don't go away.

I read once that if a human experiences enough emotional trauma it can cause actual damage to the heart. That emotional strain, if great enough, can actually cause tendinous cords in the heart to snap. I had never experienced this phenomenon, until that night. When I was on my hands and knees, crying in the street in front of your house. I felt the pain in my chest, like an invisible force reached inside and was ripping my heart into so many pieces that it would be unidentifiable to the naked eye. I pressed my hands against my chest because it literally felt like my heart was on the verge of exploding inside of me, and my hands were the only thing holding it together. I could barely breathe.

I've never loved someone the way I loved you. I would have jumped off a building if you told me to. Smitten is a vast understatement, and everyone could see it, everyone but you. I wanted to be "The one" for you, because you were for me. But I think that place has already been taken, and its previous owner has made it inhabitable for anyone else.

Is this what love is?

Because if it is, I've never truly loved anyone before. I've never felt so much, so intensely for a person in my life. But you have. And that hurts too. I know its not you're fault, but I can't help that I feel this way. I try so fucking hard to ignore of all these things, but my thoughts are erratic and difficult to control. It's something I struggle with every single day. I go through this almost every single day. It causes me so much pain, I want to forget, but its like a massacre I can't stop looking at, no matter how much it traumatizes me.

My heart rate and blood pressure skyrocket. I shake, my brain feels like its expanding and pressing against my skull. My muscles cramp up, my bones rigid, my organs churn and contract in protest, every inch of my skin feels like im laying on a bed of nails.

Is this what it's supposed to feel like?

Being in love

Is this normal?

I guess I'm just a glutton for torture. Because despite everything, my feelings for you since day one remain unchanged.

For now I continue to hope that with time it will fade, but how long with that take? Sometimes I feel like it will likely drive me clinically insane before I'm able to move past it all.

I don't know, maybe I'm being unreasonable. Just know that I'm trying, every day is a desperate battle to move forward. Contrary to what you may believe I want this to work, I want you, more than I can recall ever wanting anything.

[maritabaptiste2-blog]

atk scary hairy - A Review Of Hot Hairy Vagina Pics

I didnt go on my first legitimate date until I was 19 and in college, and the sum total of sexual experiences I had during this blissful undergraduate years wouldnt even require the remaining fingers of a grizzled old high school Wood Shop teacher to count, so while I wasnt completely inexprienced, Id hardly say I had a particular set of skills, acquired over a long career. Somewhere between general study at one university and applying for much higher education sexy furry pussy at another, there was a seismic shift in my ability to interact with women I find attractive and, more importantly, their overall interest in me. Im wired a bit differently than a lot of guys I meet - flat tummies and thigh gaps do fuck-all for me. As a result, I now refer to my graduate school career as the Era of Man Slut, because sweet bouncing bits, I had a lot of sex during that time. Stephanie was a bit on the thick side, meaning she had a little extra of all the things I particularly enjoy - tits, ass, thighs, and that bit of belly that drives me completely insane. So Stephanies body was on point, but what really pulled me in was her hair. If you enjoyed this article and you would like to get additional details concerning hairy cunt women kindly see the internet site. Good god, she had this huge mane of thick red curls. In my first year, I met a young woman well call Stephanie. I went from zero to erection in one single stare. This was during a time when big hair wasnt really in fashion, so at the time having her natural hair be so giant was a major and immediate turn on for how different it was. However, we were both attracted to each other, so it was inevitable that during one of our afternoon hang out sessions at her apartment that we would finally make out, which was enough for me but atk hairy login naked amateurs I didnt realize for a while was not enough for her. Im not going to bore everyone with the slow story of how we met, the multiple conversations we shared, the gradual flirting, and etc. Its not that I cant appreciate a woman who works hard on maintaining that figure, but I get so much more from a woman with a little more substance. Instead, she threw me for a loop when she said, "I need you to be aggressive. Stephanie told me early on that she didnt want a boyfriend, and that was fine with me, because as much as I enjoyed talking to her, she wasnt what I was looking for in a long term relationship either (we had some ideological differences that would have made a serious relationship fall apart eventually). I felt a bit like an idiot for not realizing shed wanted more, and tried to rectify my mistake immediately by grabbing her and holding her close to me as I began to kiss her neck, and suck her earlobe into my mouth to nibble it. " I had to pause at this because her words could mean a lot of different things and I needed to make sure we were all very clear, because I was definitely not going to be okay with anything involving hitting or choking or other simulations of physical abuse. She wanted me to use her to get off, basically. I breathily asked her what she wanted to do, assuming shed just shyly kick her pants off and pull me into her on her couch. This changed when I entered graduate school, though to be honest, I dont know what specifically changed, or how I can harnass it for amazing personal gain (because if I could do that, Id already be living in Atlantis and fucking my harem of mermaids - I like to dream big). It was perhaps Day 3 of making out and some general feeling up that she finally became frustrated and began to ask me if we were ever going to do anything else. Give your partner what she wants is a pretty solid philosophy thats served hairy cunt women me well and resulted in some pretty phenomenal sex. I pondered this for all of a nanosecond before I reached out to run my hand through her hair and pull her face into mine for an extremely hard kiss. I tightened my hand in her hair as I kissed her and pulled, which caused her to gasp into my mouth - a moment that still puts a smile on my face when I remember it - and I saw in her eyes the exact moment that she went from curiosity to full-blown lust. Fortunately for me, she sighed, shook her head and explained that she wanted me to "be selfish," to have her do what I want to do. I leaned in close to her ear and in a voice that wasnt quite a whisper but wasnt loud enough to be heard beyond that couch, I said to her, "I want you to get on your knees and show me what that slutty little mouth can do. My dirty talk game is generally on point but I recognize that it is not for everybody, and its a real crapshoot determining if your partner is going to be into it or completely offended by it. I have some personal history there that still renders me feeling a little sick if I think I might be hurting somebody. " That statement was a gamble, I realize in hindsight. At this early stage of my life I didnt quite realize that dropping a "slut bomb" even in the height of passion can have the potential to end sex really fucking quick (I learned this lesson the hard way later). Can I quickly say as an aside that I love watching a woman do the slow descent to her knees? I decided right then and there that if this is what she wanted, Id deliver something a bit rougher. She moved slowly, photos of hairy women pulling me out, but then seemed unsure of herself. " Not in a commanding way, or a laughing way, but in a voice that communicated that I had an expectation and couldnt see any reason why it would not be met. For her part, she was still a bit slow. In later hook-ups from her I came to realize that she did this on purpose to coax me to be rougher or meaner, but at the time I genuinely thought she was a bit shy and wasnt sure what do do now that I was legitimately delivering on her request. Luck was with me that day because she immediately bit her lip and stood up from the couch only to sink down to her knees between my legs. This wasnt some tender necking session at this point. As my hand was already in her hair, I once again tightened my grip, giving a very light pull close to her scalp. She held me in her hands and sort of looked back and forth from my cock to my face, as though she coudlnt really figure out what came next. I asked you to suck my cock. It was cute, but definitely not what Id asked for. That was all the evidence I needed that I was on the right track, so I decided to up the ante a bit by saying, "I didnt ask you to lick my cock, sweetie. She gasped again and I distinctly remember her legs came together, and as I held her hair she was squirming in place. " This demand, coupled with the hair pull (which I later found out was the way to get her from zero to soaking wet in a matter of seconds), caused her to drop all pretense of being coy. She crammed so much of my cock in her mouth it actually surprised me, because nobody in control of themselves or their words would have experienced that scene and uttered out, "Whoa! She dove onto my cock, for lack of a better word. I was still a bit high off of taking on a more dominant role, so I gently pulled her head forward and said, "Now suck my cock. She was very regularly gagging herself on me, to the extent where my concern began to rise and I had to fight back from saying, "Jesus, holy shit, maybe we should calm it down for a second; its not like the cock is going anywhere. Try to imagine James Bond saying that the next time a supermodel joins him in the shower, just really shocked and surprised but mostly happy to be there. " It felt like every other second I heard this glangh sound come from her mouth and throat. Rather than immediately taking me in her mouth, she began a series of slow licks up my cock punctuated by tiny kisses to the head. Im normally not into frantic, fast blowjobs full of noise and drool, but damn if this girl didnt try to convert me. I can honestly say no girl has ever blown me like that since and Im not sure Id want any of them to because it was so fast and intense that my cock reached a sort of heightened numbness that more or less gave me a zero chance of achieving orgasm. Now, its not necessarily important that I set much more of the scene, but just in the interest of full disclosure, Ill mention that she wasnt dressed for classic seduction. I could feel her spit just collecting at the base of my cock and dripping down my balls. She was wearing loose sweats and a t-shirt. " To be fair, the reaction was appropriate, because she proceeded to give me one of the sloppiest blowjobs Ive ever received. 007 emphatically crying out, "Whoa! And to be fully honest, that laid-back comfort look does more to turn me on than any sexily cut dress or lace covered night-time attire that can inevitably accumulate in a womans closet specifically for those times when she suspects shes going to get lucky. They werent the biggest, but they were more than big enough to work for me. And, when she quickly and quietly assumed her position at the end of her couch, I found a matching green thong as I pulled those loose sweatpants to the ground. Shed been prepared for the whole thing. Lazy home clothes that communicate disdain at the idea of another evening of light kissing and then solo frustration, but underneath? No, wear the old oversized t-shirt you got for free at some stupid event - the one that communicates "business hours are over. The "I might get lucky, who knows? The somewhat frumpy outerwear hid secret treasures underneath. " underwear collection. I was in love with it the moment I saw it, and Im not exaggerating this because I immediately kissed each one of those pale white cheeks and said, verbatim, "I am in love with this ass. The thong was a good choice. " I never claimed to be smooth. She was so wet that I actually saw a droplet run down her leg. Her t-shirt had come off at some point during her insane blowjob and for a good portion of her head game I was treated to this green lacy push-up bra that did an amazing job of putting her tits on display. " So I pulled her panties to the side and, with very little preamble, began to slide myself in. An amazing choice, because while she didnt have the biggest tits, she did have an enormous, fantastic ass. I had the remedy for this because, quite frankly, I felt like shed more than earned something for her as well, so with yet another tug on her hair, I pulled her off my cock and, breathing heavily, told her to bend over the arm of her couch. I was just outside of her, and then, suddenly, all the way in. Id intended to tease a little bit but this one singular action caused her to grip the couch and growl out, "Holy shit, just fuck me. Within seconds I had both hands gripping her hips so tight I swear my knuckles turned white as I began colliding with her repeatedly. From that point forward every time I fucked her was either doggy style or with her bent over some piece of furniture, because there was no way Id ever miss the sight of that ass jiggling and reverberating with each hard thrust I gave her. I licked it, and the trail it left, all the way up her leg and back to her pussy. There was no need to ease myself in. " She, on the other hand, picked up all of my slack about halfway through, turning her head to look behind her at me (thats a fucking power move, FYI, save that - face forward until you need your partner to go nuts and then do the look behind) and her face was just all angry lust as she spouted out a litany of amazing material that I cannot remember verbatim but I can paraphrase thusly: "You like that tight pussy? Yeah, you take that pussy. That pussy is yours, you take it whenever you want. The most I was able to utter out was an occasional "Fuck, that feels good," or "Love this fat ass. Her pussy clenched tightly on me several times, as Id later come to learn she orgasmed very easily, and my constant hard fucking drove her over the edge repeatedly. My capacity for dirty talk was completely out the window and all I could concentrate on at that point was just fucking her with every last fiber of my soul. She was tight, but so wet that I hit bottom without the slightest hint of resistance. This pussy was fucking made to milk that fat cock. I was not wearing a condom and even though she was on birth control, it was my first time having sex with her and for all I knew she could have been a harbinger of sexually transmitted diseases that modern science has yet to even discover. Quick PSA, sorry to interrupt the fapping - this was fucking stupid of me. On her end, she wasnt kidding about the milking part, because with each blast of cum I shot inside her, those inner walls were stroking me, tightening and releasing to try and get every last drop out. I completly collapsed on her back, kissing her neck and for a long while she just worked her inner muscles on me. She was nice enough to let me take a shower with her, but nothing particularly sexy happened and I eventually softened up again. I came hard inside her. " That whole built for comfort look just makes me want to extend business hours. Thats the power of a solid gold fuck. She did such a good job that I never went completely soft, and in no time at all I was fully hard again, but at that point shed decided she had enough and she booty bumped me backwards, sliding me out. I am massively, massively lucky that I didnt wind up with some kind of penis rot. I wasnt complaining - Id just had fantastic sex with every indication that Stephanie and I would hook up again (and we did, several times, until she found an actual relationship and wanted to keep it monogamous with him), so after I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she playfully told me to get out, I was able to walk back to my car with a spring in my step which is miraculous considering that my next stop that day was a tutoring job for a guy I nicknamed Pringles because the dude always smelled like Pringles. " She threw out so much dirty talk all at once that she drove me completely over the top. Or silver if you have some kind of gold allergy. Thanks for reading, everyone! Even Pringles couldnt keep me down that day. I hope all your fucks are also solid gold!

[xxwritteninangstxx]

This past year I have grown a lot. Maybe not physically but mentally. Last year around this exact time I had wanted an escape from everything. I wanted to escape the world that constantly made me feel like I didn't belong and that some force out there was breaking me down piece by piece. It was around this exact time last year that I had added to the collection of scars. 24 of them to be exact. They had been 24 reasons why I felt the need to take it out on my body. They were all the things that had been built up inside of me and several things as to what family had said or done. So now I'll give 25 reasons why I am better. 1. In the past 365 days my body has not been bruised, cut or even burnt because of my need to feel some kind of release 2. While I still have my moments of depression, the feeling of no longer wanting to be here is gone. I have reasons to live. 3. I realized that this past year my self esteem has grown a bit more since I know that his words no longer have an effect on me. 4. There will always be moments where I want to cry because I feel like breaking. It's okay to do so. It's my way of releasing the need to inflict pain on myself. 5. The most stressful thing I faced this passed year was passing my exams. Now that they are done, stress doesn't seem so scary. I can live with it and I can deal with it without freaking out and thinking it was the worst thing imaginable. 6. While I still binge eat while I am bored, I no longer binge eat because of emotions. One step at a time. One is better than both. 7. I learned to appreciate things more than I have. I learned that in my time of need the only people I can really count on is my immediate family and my best friend and her husband. Without them, I'd be either on the street or dead. 8. Not everything is going to go your way. You just gotta keep going and fighting for what you need or want . I think I am finally doing that. May it be with extern or my will to keep going, I've been doing just fine. 9. I've been enjoying the walks I've been taking. It's my chance to get my anger, frustrations, and tears out. Without some of these walks I'd be a bottle up mess. 10. I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's not always a weakness. It's a chance to make yourself stronger. 11. Sitting in front of a fire. Try it some time. Just watch the flames. You see the beauty and the power it can hold. It's the light inside that we must fuel to keep going. I had let mine die down for so long. It's burning more than it has been in a while. I actually enjoy the warmth of it. 12. I learned to take a deep breath from time to time. It's actually relaxing and helps calm those anxieties of mine. In and out. I may have been doing it my whole life, but I forgot what it felt like to take in a deep breath and know everything would be alright. 13. Enjoy the presence of what friends you do have. I mean the real ones. The ones that would go beyond your expectations and give you some of the motivation to live. 14. I watched my best friend get married. Attend a wedding and watch as two people that fell in love make it official. Don't think about what you don't have at the moment. Let that be the 'I'll have that some day when it is right'. Don't rush it. If you do you ate just blinded by the idea of love. Believe me I know. 15. I am grateful being able to see another day. I could have easily missed a whole year without another thought if I had gone through with what I wanted to do. But I fought it and Im okay. 17. No matter the situation, talk to someone, anyone. I learned to open up about things I normally couldn't do. I opened up my life to complete strangers and most don't judge. We aren't alone. 18. I've learned to enjoy naps. As lazy as it can be, it saves me mentally. I'd rather have a nap than deal with the negative train of thoughts that could make its way in and disturb my growth. 19. Hate is an emotion that I haven't felt in a long time. It's different. I use it to make me better, not worse. Venting out the hate makes things so much easier. 20. Try something new. I've done it a few times this past year. Think outside of your comfort zone and try it at least once. 21. I've learned to go with my gut instinct. Without it, several things would have played out so much more differently. Don't second guess yourself. 22. Don't dwell on the what ifs. It will drive you insane. Believe me I know. Things go dark when I let the what ifs take over. I've learned to push them aside and deal with them later. 23. Look forward to the future. It doesn't matter if it's a month a head or even a year away. It gives you something to stay alive for. You can't go to something that you have been wanting to go to for some time if you are dead. 24. I survived a year that made me feel like it was the end of the world simply because I thought I was alone. You are never alone. 25. I don't have my life together at all. And at some point in the future, I'd like to see it all falls into place. I am still growing. I am still learning how to make myself better. It will take time and it is why I am looking forward to seeing what another year will bring.