#ready to kms atp istg

[thyhonesteheorte]

god this is me fully knowing what i'm going to do if i get the chance to do it. as in, i've fucked up my grades till now but i actually KNOW that the next test is only gonna be me improving because i've finally gotten my shit together and am working for my future. BUT my mid term marks are shit, as in the exams i only recently got finished writing. and i KNOW my marks are shit but i also KNOW my next test marks are not gonna be shit. like i can genuinely tell. butttt my parents think it's gonna be just the same as ever and i'm freaking out already over their reaction over my marks. plus we've been getting into so many arguments recently and they're just gonna use this as more ammunition i mean not like my academic downfall has been the exact trigger to our horrible relationship rn. like if i get the chance to move past these marks and improve in the next texts i'm gonna fucking THRIVE like i KNOW that. and i know i can survive whatever shit they cook up. i know i'll survive their humiliating & degrading reactions. but also the thought of it is still sending me spiraling rn. i keep having to take heaving breaths. i keep thinking about logistical ways to fucking kms. but idkkkk dude. like i'll survive but i really don't wanna fucking deal with their shit. the worst part is i don't have the option to properly kms. well actually if i really look for it i'd probably find a way out but i'm not that far gone my apartment buildiing is only 4 fucking floors, and idk if jumping from the terrace is enough to kill me. closest i've actually gone is heading to the main door of the house in the middle of the night a few years ago in 8th or 9th grade i think night before a parent-teacher meet u see the pattern. and then cutting oh boy i'm actually a coward can't deal with that pain. closest i got was this phase last year for a few months where i would rub the sharp edge of this blunt asf scissors to my wrist while in school. never even drew any blood lmao. i'll mess up with rope, that'll take too long yano. think if i do it, the only option is meds. BUT HOW TF AM I GONNA GET ACCESS TO FUCKING MEDS ENOUGH TO KILL ME HUH?? if i ever kms it'll have to be when i'm more grown & independent with access & knowledge about meds necessary. but the thing is, the whole point of studying & getting into college is the hope that growth & independence & GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF LIVING WITH MY PARENTS will actually make me less of a fucked up freak yano. *sigh* really need to pick up my fucking journal