#reading a new book now......is...YA.....but is like. okay actually. ive said this before i hate how some YA is written its so djkbsfdbf

[obsob]

this is entirely what my sketchbook looks like 

[peachcitt]

okay, so style reference you say? I'm 👀

YES STYLE REFERENCE I SAY

this is going to be. a very long post i think with probably a lot of tangents and probably with a lot more thorough explanation than you could ever want but. here we go

because all of my theory/explanation posts end up So Long, i like to organize myself by keeping myself to a structure, and i also like to think if i put stuff in sub categories with bolded titles, people reading can skip ahead to the stuff they want if they're low on time or don't feel like slogging through everything. so here's the structure of the official Peach Style Reference Narrative

1. Early Days - how i started writing, my early inspirations, origins

2. Current Days - discussions of current style references plus examples and comparisons, discussions of original content versus fan content

3. Future Days - where i expect my writing to grow, trajectories i want, conclusory thoughts

without further ado, let's get into it!

1. Early Days

like i mentioned on the discord server, ive been writing creatively for. a very long time. i just turned 20 (like. literally today. we love to see it) and that seems very young, but i remember writing creatively when i was maybe six or seven, and before that i played with dolls a lot, which meant every day i was creating little narratives for myself. in addition to this - and this is probably why i started writing so young - i was (and am!) a very avid reader. i was that little jerk in elementary school reading chapter books and going into the older kids' section in the school library because i'd already mentally surpassed the books in the section meant for kids my age. so, basically, ive been writing for maybe 13 or 14 years at the least.

when i was young, my favorite books that i remember trying to copy in my own stories were: the magic treehouse books, harry potter, and percy jackson.

the magic treehouse

i honestly could not tell you which magic treehouse book it was, but i remember reading a specific magic treehouse book where the magic lady that left the treehouse for the kids sends the kids (jack and annie??) a note in distress, and she didn't get to finish signing her name because whoever had gotten her had interrupted her. it had been printed in the book with the ink on her name running.

i could not tell you anything else that happened in that book, but i can tell you that at some point in time soon after i read that book i started writing a story with an interrupted letter just like that. i loved the drama, the mystery of it all. i wanted to do something that was a little scary like that, a little exciting.

harry potter

harry potter isn't much of a style reference, but it was a huge impact of my childhood. truth be told i kind of hated the books when i was really young because i grew up watching the movies, and when i tried to read the books when i was in elementary school, the teenage angst that hits about book 5 simply Did Not make sense to me. i also find the language of harry potter to be super cumbersome, and sometimes it feels to me like the books are long just for the sake of being long. they have a huge cultural impact, but i feel the same way about harry potter's style as i do about dickens. cool and interesting, but, like, could you get to the point already? (and also my opinion of j.k. rowling has steadily been growing worse and worse over the years, for obvious reasons. harry potter is nostalgic for me, but i can't look at it now without thinking about it critically, which really lowers my opinion of it)

however, you could probably call my first fanfiction a harry potter fanfiction. i started it when i was maybe six or seven, and it was a rewrite of the chamber of secrets with my childhood best friend as the main character (she didn't know about it, i just had her as the main character because i thought she was cool). i of course never finished it, but harry potter probably did a huge part of planting that seed of magic in me. everything i want to write included some form of magic - although my perspective on what can be considered magic has steadily expanded over the years.

percy jackson

of all my childhood "style references" that still influence me to this day, percy jackson has got to be the biggest. for starters, it's magic. second, it's main themes are about friendship and family - things that i like all my stories now to always include. third - and most important - is the narrative voice.

in terms of narrative voice, percy has a huge personality. he's witty and snarky, but also very thoughtful and poignant. a lot of my early writing was in first person, and it's probably because of percy. also, percy jackson was the first fandom i really got into, and it was the first media that i started officially writing and posting fanfiction for. percy's voice is so clear and hooking, and i wanted to be able to write something funny and real like that.

also - chapter titles. the original pjo series is famous for its weird and hilarious chapter titles, and even though i didn't really start writing fics or stories that were long enough to need chapter titles until a while later, i loved the idea of putting in a chapter title that would make a reader laugh, or maybe even make a reader feel a little apprehensive about the events to come.

but back to percy's narrative voice. i loved that style, almost conversational, so much that i started thinking like it. when i wasn't doing anything, like walking home in middle school, i often found myself narrating my life in my head like percy would, trying to find that humor and spark in my every day surroundings. i still find myself doing that very often, but not necessarily in the classic pjo style. now i narrate everything in my head a little differently, but that practice narration in my early days really helped my shape my voice, i think.

other series i read when i was younger include: a a series of unfortunate events and the name of this book is secret. i don't remember seeing a lot of influence in my early writing from those books, but i definitely think the styles of those books hit me a little later, which i will talk about in the next section.

but, yeah. these were the big three of my childhood. i also read a lot of ya romance, children's mystery books, princess stories, and various types of fantasy, which i think you could probably tell from the genres i like to stick to now. except i don't write a ton of mystery because, as much as i admire the complicated plots, im not sure if i'd have the patience to plan all that out.

in terms of the rest of the genres, a ton of my earlier writing included classic ya romance and fantasy tropes - chosen girl, love triangles, angsty overpowered teens, etc etc. even though those kinds of stories are not necessarily the kinds of stories i want to write or read now, i think my early writing of those kinds of things was really valuable. it's kind of a dirty secret with finished or unfinished works generally considered 'cringe' - often that writer is a new writer, or they're trying something new, or they just haven't found their voice yet. all of those things are perfectly okay and normal, and a lot of people in the writing community preach that kind of thing, but i don't necessarily see people cutting new writers slack in actual practice. writing "overrused" tropes isn't cringe, it's normal, and, besides, what trope isn't overrused? people have been writing and telling stories for thousands of years - nothing is really new. what matter is that someone new is telling the story, and that's what makes it valuable.

so, yeah, a lot of my childhood writing is cringe to me now, but i wouldn't be where i am without it.

with that being said, let's actually look at where i am now

2. Current Days

im going to break this section down into two parts, sort of: original fiction and fanfiction. because i think both of these things have become really important to me, and i don't believe i personally could exist as a writer without one or the other. it's a symbiotic relationship.

we'll start with fanfiction.

my relationship with fanfiction is relatively positive in online spaces: i write what i want to see from media that i like, and i have fun doing it. i also get some comments on my fics by lovely people that detail exactly what they like - some even go so far to talk about narrative style, voice, or tone - and that's really helpful. generally, i see fanfiction not only as a fun hobby and vent space for my strong positive feelings about certain media, but also as a place for me to try new things, experiment, and earn positive feedback.

i don't often share my original fiction online (and if i do, never at the same scope as my fanfiction), so i don't get that same opportunity to see what "works" with readers. fanfiction gives me the space to see that, and i apply new knowledge ive learned to my original fiction. that's what i mean by a symbiotic relationship.

in terms of specific style references for specific fics (which is what i know you probably most want to see), i'll try my best to pick them all out and give specific examples.

those benevolent stars and i am the messenger by markus zusak

in my favorite book list, i saw you mention tbs, so i'll start there. to be honest, i had no idea what my style reference for tbs was when i first saw your tags, and i almost didn't think there was anything specific. style references are a bit sneaky like that - if you've been referencing for someone for a long time, it becomes less of an intentional reference and more of just a you think, so it gets harder to tell.

lucky for this post, i just finished doing my yearly reread of zusak's i am the messenger, and as i was reading, i noticed a few spots where i was like wait hey i remember doing that.

for starters, iatm has been my favorite book for about six or seven years now, so i would say that some aspects of my style certainly comes from zusak because of how much i love iatm but also his other books. zusak has this huge talent for writing short, punchy sentences that convey so much in just a few words, and i think i've ended up trying to do that in my own writing. often, in my writing you'll see fragmentary sentences such as "He stopped. Blinked. Looked at her." that's not from anything specific, but i know ive written something like that maybe a million times over. zusak doesn't do the same thing - often his fragments are jam-packed with imagery in a way that mine aren't - but there's a thoughtfulness in his fragments that are in mine, too. a sort of pause. a hint that there's thinking happening in the narrator or a certain character. for example, i did a quick flip through of my copy and we have:

"We stare across the table.

Just briefly.

At each other." (I am the Messenger, p.144)

so you see how my common sentence fragment of "he stopped / blinked / looked at her" tracks with a fragment like this? i like the way zusak broke up sentences to make you dwell on them a little longer, consider the importance of each section, so i started doing that wayy before i wrote tbs i think.

also, at the time i wrote tbs, i think i was in the process of, or had just finished doing my reread of iatm, and, like i said, zusak loves imagery. tbs is a very imagery-heavy fic. tbs was influenced by a lot of music - a lot of the scenes have very specific pieces of music that i wrote imagining the tone and vibe of. iatm also references a lot of outside media sources, mostly music and films.

there are a couple of scenes in tbs that i think i wrote specifically mimicking or accidentally referencing from iatm. for example, we have this scene in tbs:

"It was almost like he could feel Marinette’s eyes on his back, steady and gentle. 'But you still love her.”

'Yeah,' Adrien said quietly, 'I still love her.' His eyes moved along a streak of purple that bled into a dark blue. 'I hate her a little bit, too.'

Marinette was silent.

He turned around, giving her a smile." (Those Benevolent Stars, chapter 3)

and this scene from iatm:

"'Do you hate me, Ed?'

Still stupid with bubbles and vodka in my stomach, I answer. Very seriously.

'Yes,' I whisper. 'I do.'

We both smack the sudden silence with laughter." (I am the Messenger, p. 233)

obviously there are differences, and i don't think i did it on purpose, but the interaction is very similar. i love the gentle intimacy of that scene in iatm, that weird complication relationship between the main character and the person he loves, the hurt, the brushing it off with laughter. so i wrote a scene that incorporated those things

zusak is also really good at writing moments of quiet into his books that aren't necessarily important to the plot, but are still important. if you've ever read that ghibli meta post talking about the 'quiet' between scenes in studio ghibli scenes, meant to give both the audience and the characters space to breath, it's like that. nothing in iatm is not imporant - it all serves a purpose, even the quiet moments, and i try to do the same thing. there's moments like that in tbs i think, like:

"Marinette gave him a small smile before turning back to her ice cream. Adrien tried to eat his ice cream a little faster, licking up where it had dripped onto his hand.

They were quiet for a while longer, and Marinette finished her ice cream. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the dark sky, littered with stars.

He could see them all in her eyes, too." (Those Benevolent Stars, chapter 3)

and in iatm, you get scenes like:

"Our feet dangle.

I watch them, and I watch the jeans on Audrey's legs.

We only sit there now.

Audrey and me." (I am the Messenger, p.120)

so i definitely think tbs is a very i-am-the-messenger/markuz zusak-inspired fic. there's a lot of zusak's quiet, and there's the pieces of zusak's style that i've picked up along the way that really shine in tbs

tomorrow and this body's not big enough for the both of us by edgar cantero

ive talked about cantero a few times recently, but, as you've probably noticed, in relation to my fic called 'tomorrow.' i wrote tomorrow pretty soon after reading this body's not big enough for the both of us, and i used tomorrow specifically to experiment with cantero's visual writing style. in all the books by cantero ive read, there's this kind of hyper-awareness of a film gaze - how a certain scene would be shot on a camera, dialogue as script writing, and other things like that mixed with prose. i thought it was fascinating, and after finishing this body, i really wanted to play around with that idea. so i wrote tomorrow keeping in mind a "film gaze." for example:

"Two figures sitting on a rooftop, silhouettes. The moon hovers over them carefully, a crescent afraid to break the silence. One of the figures takes a breath, looks up into the sky at the hesitant moon, and he sighs. He closes his mouth again." (tomorrow)

versus in cantero's work, where we get descriptions like:

"And then, like a high-heeled coup de grace, she arrived.

She paused briefly outside the door, her hourglass silhouette cast upon the glass panel with the fresh shiny vinyl letters" (This Body's Not Big Enough for the Both of Us, prologue)

the tone of the two excerpts are very different, but there's a very visual sense to both of them, like they are being described from a shot in a movie rather than a regular work in prose. in tomorrow i also work a lot with specific camera imagery - saying where the camera goes in the scene, what it focuses on - and this body doesn't do this too much, but cantero's meddling kids does at least once that i remember.

regardless, after finishing this body, i wanted to try my hand at the visual structure that cantero uses in his works, so i really leaned in to the idea.

chat noir's white french man hit list for feminist purposes and grasshopper jungle by andrew smith

this is, as of right now, the most recent fic on my ao3, and i started it the literal day i finished grasshopper jungle. i think you might be getting a theme here - i read a really good book, and then immediately after i start writing something. the easiest way to get inspired as a writer is to read.

chat noir's hit list is a fic that is very much aware of the fact that it is a story being told - you don't know by who or for what real reason until the end, but it's a self aware sort of story. it's also very snarky and sarcastic, and it expands past just the confines of its own story; it's about chat noir and his hit list, but it also talks in depth about emilie agreste, chat noir's relationship with ladybug, and his relationship with himself. this is very much the kind of thing that you would find in an andrew smith book - grasshopper jungle is a story being told to you, and it's also about more than just the original pieces of the plot. the narrator tells the story that expands past regular confines of the story he means to tell - he's telling the 'history' of his life and his town, but he also talks about his great-great grandfather, the origins of the ketchup his girlfriend's dad eats, and what's happening in other parts of the country as he and his best friend are hanging out. the line in chat's hit list of "stars exploded, the sun did not, life continued on" was very much a grasshopper jungle and andrew smith-inspired line.

at the end of adrien's narration in chat's hit list, he says:

"It should be mentioned at this point in time that this story is not over, although I’ll stop telling it here.

So that’s the story of Chat Noir, who is also Adrien Agreste, who was very much a normal boy, except for the fact that he wasn’t. It’s a sad story, but it is also a happy story, and it is highly confidential. I’m sure you understand." (Chat Noir's White French Man Hit List for Feminist Purposes)

and at the end of grasshopper jungle, as the main character is closing out his narration, we get:

What I have written here is not the history of Eden. It is the history of the end of the world. All real histories will be about everything, and they will stretch to the end of the world.

The end of the world started when Andrej Szczerba slid into the cold sea as his boy, Krys, watched and wept and drifted closer and closer to the United States of America.

Nobody knew anything about it." (Grasshopper Jungle, p.382-3)

It's not overtly similar, but the structure is the same: recognition of the end, short summary of where we started and left the story, tag phrase that was used prior in the work. when i was writing the end of adrien's narration, i didn't mean to mirror grasshopper jungle so closely, but sometimes things just happen that way - honestly, so many of the things i do in my writing aren't intentional, they're subconscious. when i make a conscious choice, it's related to plot or to a new strategy im applying to style or voice that i'm not used to, but a lot of the things i do fly under the radar in my brain unless im purposefully trying to piece them apart like i am here.

i will say the meta-story of chat's hit list was pretty directly inspired by grasshopper jungle because i love meta stories, and i like using opportunities to put them in. i just love the idea of reading a story of someone telling someone else a story, which is what the two books by andrew smith i've read have been, and i think that's just fascinating, which is why i used it here.

ive gotten a couple of comments on chat's hit list that liken the narrative style to pseudonymous bosch's the name of this book is secret and lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events, which i thought was really interesting, because i was purposefully trying to make the voice an impression of andrew smith's voice adapted to the tone of ml, but i could definitely see their reasoning.

andrew smith, like i mentioned before, likes specifics - what exactly people were doing at certain times, where a specific bottle of ketchup came from, etc. from what i remember of the name of this book is secret and a series of unfortunate events, i remember the descriptions included in those books chock full of highly specific, snarky details that aren't truly necessary, but do a whole lot in terms of adding a certain flavor to the narration. i won't try and look up examples from unfortunate events and the name of this book, but here are a couple examples:

"See, the thing about Emilie Agreste, formerly Emilie Graham De Vanily, is that she was what could be generously called a ‘radical.’ Born in 1969, like most amazing and world-altering things, Emilie Graham De Vanily grew up in London alongside her twin sister, who is a nice enough woman and who is not really that important to this story, and she was raised with the firm and gentle hands of people who had witnessed war and cruelty and had found that they did not like at all. Emilie Graham De Vanily grew up learning about the true history of England, which is not a very nice history, truly, and she grew up knowing that people with white skin like her were historically not all that great. That, historically, was a very radical thought." (Chat Noir's White French Man Hit List for Feminist Purposes)

from chat's hit list, and this:

"In 1905, being seventeen years old made you a man. In 1969 when hungry Jack fought in Vietnam, seventeen years old was a man. My brother, Eric, who was somewhere in Afghanistan, was twenty-two.

Krzys Szczerba came across the Atlantic with his father. They planned on working and earning enough money so Krzys's mother, brother, and two sisters could come to the United States, too. People who did that were called Bread Polacks. They came here to make money." (Grasshopper Jungle, p. 68)

from grasshopper jungle. once again, obviously very different, but you can tell im playing around with that same feeling of giving a surplus of facts in my narration in the same way that andrew smith does. you can't really tell in the grasshopper jungle excerpt, but oftentimes the surplus of 'facts' serves almost a comedic effect, which is definitely something that you can feel in chat noir's hit list.

[REDACTED] and six of crows by leigh bardugo

as a reward for sticking around through this, i'll give out something fun here. the current long fic that ive been working on recently has proved to be very bardugo-inspired, particularly six of crows-inspired.

in six of crows, bardugo gives us action right off the bat and then integrates flashbacks into lulls of action so that there's never truly a dull moment. i found [REDACTED] to be a fic where i wanted to use flashbacks in a similar way, so that i would get something like:

"She doesn’t stay for the whole parade, but she stays for enough of it. Nothing unusual happens, just like always, but she still makes cursory patrols around the city, ending up at the Eiffel Tower, just like always. She sits on the railing way up at the top, and she crosses her ankles, swinging her legs back and forth and humming softly to herself as she watches the sun set.

'Little kitty on the roof, all alone without his lady,' he used to sing when he’d gotten back to their meeting point from patrolling his half of the city before her. It was just a silly little song, one that he’d clearly made up for himself."

It didn’t hurt until he’d been akumatized, and she’d seen that one version of the future - the one where he’d destroyed the whole world because of Gabriel Agreste. She’d seen him then, a lonely figure in white, humming his little song to himself. Who knows how long he’d been like that before she’d been transported to him, how long he’d been really and truly alone. (REDACTED, chapter 1)

and in comparison, we get a lot of scenes in six of crows like:

"Kaz leaned against the ship's railing. He wished he hadn't said anything about his brother. Even those few words raised the memories, clamoring for attention. What had he said to Geels at the Exchange? I'm the kind of bastard they only manufacture in the Barrel. One more lie, one more piece of the myth he'd built for himself.

After their father died, crushed beneath a plow with his insides strewn across a field like a trail of damp red blossoms, Jordie had sold the farm. Not for much." (Six of Crows, p.205-6)

bardugo uses most of the flashbacks during a time in which the main characters are on a long sea voyage, which means they have a lot of time to reflect on their pasts and what brought them to these situations - it's a smart way to fill the empty space of the sea voyage and to really dwell on how important the voyage is. in a similar way, i chose to use the flashbacks in dull or lulling moments in the events of the story, ones in which marinette lets her mind wander or sees something that makes her remember something specific.

however, here's a situation where you can see me adapt the style into something that makes more sense for me, personally: in my excerpt, the tense changes between the current events and the flashback events, while in bardugo's excerpt, the tense stays the same at a comfortable past tense. when i was writing my fic with the flashbacks, i thought the constant, sometimes abrupt, switching would get confusing, so i made sure to always have a clear line using the past and present tense that readers could consciously or unconsciously take notice of.

so there are a couple of instances within some fairly recent fics i have that have specific callbacks to specific books. there are a whole bunch more, i think, but these are the ones that ive played around with intentionally the most recently or the most often.

3. Future Days

based on my recent rapid experimentation in fics (the most recent four fics on my ao3 have been very experimental in comparison to most of my works), i really anticipate a lot of growth in my overall style. ive been having a lot of fun experimenting and throwing in things that a few years ago i would've never even thought of, so im really excited to see where that might lead me, style wise.

i think as a writer there's always room for growth and learning, and that kind of growth and learning comes from not only practicing writing, but also reading. i cannot stress enough how valuable and impactful reading is on writing. considering ive been trying to read a lot more than i have been in recent years, it makes a lot of sense that ive been making a lot of weird decisions and learning more about what i want to see in my own writing.

honestly, if you ever want to know about any of my other fics, or you want to see how this kind of thing translates to my original works, just shoot me an ask! this post is already long enough, so i think i'll go ahead and end it here, but just know you can always ask questions<3

thank you so much for asking me this question and letting me indulge, and thank you for reading!!!<3<3<3<3

[theokotrain]

Vestige - Interlude: The Party

Wattpad Version

As the night fills the sky

All my fears are dissipating

'Cause I feel reassured

That I might make it through

And if all my luck should burn

Then I guess it burned for you

---

April 13th, 2012

I was sitting on my bed, back against the bed frame with my knees raised in front of me, holding up my laptop. I had been spending the last few hours writing an essay for my English class, specifically answering the topic question my teacher had given everybody: "How do our past experiences influence our decisions?". The question was simple enough, it's a pretty universally recognized idea that stuff that happens to us has an effect on our decision making. I mean, that's what it means to grow, right? You gain more knowledge as you live through life and form new memories, and that helps you make more informed decisions in the future.

I've never really been too good at writing anything analytical, especially non-fiction. Essays and research papers that required informed arguments that helped to prove your point? Those were an entirely unknown game to me, one which I had never managed to breeze through. Of course, we were supposed to use some of the books we've read this year as evidence for our arguments, so that at least made it a bit easier, even if most of the books were ones from nearly five decades ago and definitely out of touch at this point. The sound of my laptop's keys clicking as I typed away were the only sounds I could pick up in the room. I had my earphones in for a bit, but those always hurt my ears after a while, so I had taken them out.

Looking at the time in the corner of my laptop screen, it was 4:43 PM. I started writing as soon as I got home from class, so I've only been going for about an hour. Unfortunately, this essay is a non-insignificant amount of my course grade, so I needed to finish this as soon as possible.

God, it's a Friday! I could be out doing something actually fun with Shae and the other guys. Isn't that the whole point of high school? That's what it always seemed like in movies, at least, but I guess I've been a victim of false advertising.

After a bit more time passes, the sound of my phone ringing from my desk brings me out of my writing trance. I sigh, setting my laptop next to me on the bed, not wanting to get out of bed, but eventually forcing myself into maneuvering over to the desk, I grab the phone and flip it open, looking to see the Caller ID.

Shaela.

I instantly accept the call, it's almost second nature at this point. She calls me at least once a day so she can tell me about whatever person is pissing her off that day, or whatever drama she's heard from her other friends. I was never really one for gossip, or whatever, but I did appreciate talking to her.

I put the phone up to my ear, "What's up?" I say, a tinge of fatigue in my voice.

"Hey! Just warning you that I'm like five minutes from your place and you don't have a say in the matter." She replied bluntly. I can hear the sound of cars driving by on the other side of the phone, so she's obviously outside, confirming her words.

I take a deep breath before speaking, "...Why?" I said with exasperated sarcasm.

"Because! I have something to tell you, and if I say it over the phone then I seriously doubt it'll work out in the way I'm hoping it does."

"That clears up nothing, actually, and now I regret picking up."

"Even if you didn't answer, that doesn't stop your parents from letting their son's lovely goody-two-shoes of a friend stop by for a visit!" She exclaimed, a mischievous tone subtly layered in her voice.

She's not wrong.

"Wow, you make this sound like you're sneaking into a high-security building or something." I say, utterly confused at her motives. "Obviously you can come over, but I'm not exactly filled with confidence at whatever you're planning."

"Like I said, I can't tell you yet, but it's gonna be awesome!" She said. There was an unusual perkiness to her that made itself pretty clear over the phone.

Before I can say anything, I'm met with the dial tone, signalling that she had hung up. The only thing I can do at this point is wait for her to get here, I guess. She always lets herself in when she comes over, so I don't make the effort to meet her downstairs. A sudden ping sound fills the quiet room, seeming to come from my laptop. I get back into bed, looking to see where the notification came from.

It's a message from Tyler.

He's definitely the newest member of our little group, if even that. I'm the only person in the group that he's actually friends with so far, despite my efforts to bring him along on any plans we all make. I only met the Grey Wolf back in February, at the beginning of the second semester, in the school's photography class. Nobody I knew signed up for it, and due to our prestigious high school's advanced budget for technology, we were forced to be paired up for shared computer use in the Photography Room. I suppose Tyler was also fortunate enough to not know anybody in the class, as we ended up being paired together by the teacher. He was definitely someone I could only describe as uninterested, as the first week or two I spent with him in that class consisted of him either giving me one word answers or answering in the most blunt, bored tone he could manage. Though, it seemed that it took a bit of persistence on my part to push him to be more open, and since then he's grown to be a pretty great friend.

Tyler: u goin to that party tonight ive been hearin about?

Party? I wasn't made aware of anything like that, at least... not yet. Something in the back of my brain was telling me that Shae had ulterior motives about coming to my place so suddenly, but I'm still hoping that I'm wrong. I hate parties.

Jake: party? havent heard anything, are u going?

Tyler: thinkin about it

think its gonna be over at chris's place, guess his parents r gone for the weekend or somethin

Jake: chrisssss? ughh that guy is such an asshole

Tyler: yeah u dont havee to go, but itd prob be more fun to have someone u actually know there

The way he worded that was directed at me, but I could tell he didn't want to go on his own.

Jake: i guess ill think about it

Tyler: sickk, call me if u make up ur mind

Before I can type my farewells over IM, Shaela energetically bursts through the door.

"Jesus! You scared the shit outta me, don't you knock?" I said, mildly exasperated.

"Oh come on, I literally called you a few minutes ago, you had plenty of time to not make a situation where it'd be a bad idea for me to barge in," She replies, laughing, before setting her bag on the ground and dramatically falling into my bed. "Today was garbage."

"What happened?"

"Ugh, Claire decided to just not show up, I guess, on the day we're supposed to present that stupid History project? And, obviously, she didn't give me her part of the project or anything, so I had tell Mr Thomas about the situation, which was fucking embarrassing." She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Luckily, he said he wouldn't reduce my grade for handing it in late, since I actually had my part finished. God, what a bitch- I must've called her like thirty times before class to get her to email me her part, and every time it went straight to voicemail - and she told me last night that she'd have it ready for today!"

"Have you gotten a hold of her yet?" I asked, closing my laptop and setting it beside me.

Shae turns her head to me, shaking her head, "Nope, she's been ghosting me all day."

"Sounds like typical Claire."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have partnered with her, but apparently I can't say no to anyone, so..." I chuckle lightly in response. "Anyways! I didn't just come here to complain to you!" She says, sitting up on the bed, now facing towards me.

"Right... So what was so important that you just had to tell me in person?" I say, sarcastically.

"Like I said, if I asked you over the phone you would've definitely said no, and my ability to pressure you into doing things isn't as effective unless it's in person!" She responded.

I subtly rolled my eyes, but it's clear she noticed from the stare-down she gave me, "Okay, so what is it?"

"Soooooo..." She says, trying to find the rest of the words, "There's a party."

Wow.

"Wh- did everybody know about that party except for me?!?" I exclaimed.

Shaela's face quickly turns to an expression of shock, "Who told you?"

"Tyler did, like, not even five minutes ago." I say, bluntly.

"What? How does he know Chris?"

"Friend-of-a-friend, I'm guessing?"

"Hmm..." She hummed, thinking about something, "So, did you tell him you were going?"

"I specifically said I'd think about it, nothing definite." I made it clear in my tone that I wasn't particularly interested.

"Oh, come on, dude! It'll be fun!"

I didn't really have an interest in going, but I know it'd make Shae happy, plus it'd be nice to hang out with Tyler again even if we've only known each other for a couple months.

"...Fine. But, if Chris or any of his buddies start shit, I'm leaving."

"Awesome!"

"Lemme just call Tyler and let him know," I said as I grabbed my phone and flipped it open, finding Tyler in my contact list and dialling.

"You gonna bring him with-" The phone rings a few times before he picks up and I extend my hand out towards Shae in a shushing motion. She rolls her eyes, smirking.

"Hey? So are ya gonna go?" He said eagerly.

"Well, Shae showed up at my door literally right after you messaged me, asking the same thing!" I exclaimed in a fake-preppy voice. "So, I guess I have no choice since she'll probably just drag me there if I say no," I joked. She nods her head toward me in response.

"Oh, is she going too?" He inquired.

"Yeah, I guess so! Your place is kinda on the way to Chris', so we could probably meet you at your place and go from there."

"Yeah! Sounds good!" He quickly responded.

I laughed, "Okay, we'll call you when we get there?"

"Sure thing!"

We exchanged our farewells, and hung up. The party wasn't for at least another hour or two, so Shae and I had some time to burn, of which I was entirely out of ideas. I figured I could at least spend this time actually being productive, so I grabbed my laptop and continued on writing my English essay as Shae resumed her previous conversation topic of stuff at school that was pissing her off. It was pretty entertaining, to be fair. She was telling me about how Chris had gotten in a fight with this other kid in our grade yesterday after class, which I wasn't lucky enough to witness, but it was obviously all anyone would talk about for basically the entire day today so word spread around fast. The part I hadn't heard about was that both Chris and the other guy, Nathan, got suspended for a week because of it. Chris was generally an asshole to everybody, including myself, so I didn't feel too bad about that. Although, I didn't know Nathan all that well. Other than having a few classes together, I don't think I've ever held an actual conversation with the guy. I think it was safe to assume that Chris was the one who started it, and Shae seemed to agree with me, even though she hadn't seen the fight either.

"But, apparently Nathan's gonna show up tonight!" She exclaimed coyly.

"...Remind me again why you want me to go to this specific party?"

"You'll have a great time! It's not like we'll be involved in the drama anyway so think of it more as entertainment!"

"I think you and I have different definitions of the word 'entertainment'," I joked.

"I'm sure you can go run off somewhere with Tyler if you're not having fun," She said, her tone reminding me of my mom.

"Oh yeah? What about you?"

"I can't just leave Alex at a party with Chris, those two start shit between each other so much and I'd rather not deal with the aftermath of that today."

"I'm guessing it's safe to assume that Elliot's going too, then?"

"He's not big on parties, but he'll usually go if everyone else is, unlike somebody," She says, gesturing towards me.

"Good one," I reply, unmoving as I keep typing away at my assignment.

"Well, we should probably leave soon since we're stopping at Tyler's place on the way.

I saved the document I had been working on, closing my laptop. "Sounds good to me!"

---

"I can't believe you actually agreed to go." Tyler joked as we walked towards the road from his house.

"Yeah, me either." I replied. I definitely didn't put in any effort in dressing up for the party, opting for a snug space-themed graphic tee, along with black jeans and a white zip-up hoodie. Shae and Tyler both stand on opposite sides of me as we walk down the sidewalk.

"Luckily I learned the subtle techniques in convincing you to do things against your better judgement, so now you get to have fun for once!" Shae exclaimed.

"It's not my fault that going to a party is literally the last thing on earth I'd do for fun in any normal situation." I retorted, putting my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"Oh yeah? And what do you consider a 'normal situation'?" Shae asks.

"Any situation where you guys aren't the ones trying to get me to go! I'm only doing this for you two, y'know." I said, looking over at both of them.

"What about Elliot and Alex?" Tyler chimed in.

"They aren't the ones asking me to go to this party." I sarcastically remarked, trying to keep the conversation light-hearted. "Speaking of the party- this is Chris we're talking about, there's gonna be beer, right?"

"Uh, duh?" Shae replied.

"Yeah, that's a definite no for me, I'm already enough of a disappointment to my parents,"

"No one's making you drink, Jake. At least you'd be safe if some old hag called the cops about the noise." Shae said.

"I think at that point we're guilty by association, so we'd just make a run for it if that happens," Tyler joked.

"Dude, the chance of me outrunning a police officer successfully is about as likely as me not wanting to punch Chris tonight."

"And the chance of you winning that fight is just as low!" Shae retorted, Tyler laughing in response.

"I specifically said 'want' because of that very reason!"

"Wow, I'd pay money to see you fight that guy." Tyler said, nudging his elbow into my side.

It isn't a secret that I'm not exactly athletic. I mean, I'm definitely not weak, but fighting basically any animal of a similar size to mine was not a situation that favoured my victory.

"That sounds more like just getting the shit kicked outta me for your entertainment." I remarked, lightly punching Tyler's shoulder in return.

"Absolutely worth every penny!" Shae exclaimed. Luckily, the place wasn't any more than ten minutes away from Tyler's place, so I didn't have to endure listening to these two talk about me getting beat up for much longer.

We finally make it to Chris' house, and I'm suddenly filled with an impending sense of regret. Obviously, my parents would never in a million years agree to me going to a party like this. As far as they know, I'm just spending the evening hanging out with Shae at Tyler's house. So yeah, this entire night had a lot of potential for disaster.

Shae can clearly see my hesitation, because she grabs my hand, leading me up the walkway, Tyler following closely behind.

"I wonder if Elliot and Alex beat us here?" She says, knocking on the front door.

"I doubt they had anything to do earlier, hell they probably came straight here after school, knowing Alex." I said, laughing.

Our conversation is cut short by the opening door, revealing the familiar black cat.

"Oh, look, the Stephenson kid brought his girlfriend!" Chris exclaimed mockingly, looking back into the house, before peering around my shoulder, "And... Tyler?" He said, inquisitively.

I lean over, blocking Tyler from his line of sight, "Yeah, hey, not dating by the way!" I said. I've known Shae since I first moved to Vestige, around the time I turned five years old, so it wasn't uncommon for rumours to go around that we were dating. I've always thought of her more as a sister, if anything.

"I asked them to come!" Tyler said. That was only partly true, but according to Tyler, they've been 'somewhat-friends' for quite a while now, so saying that would at least mean less mild-harassment from Chris for tonight.

"Oh, uh, okay... come on in! But you're on the hook for any shit they pull, Tyler!" He said, opening the door wider.

---

The party had been going on for a few hours at this point. I could recognize most of the animals here from school, but not enough to actually hold a conversation with any of them, so most of my time here had just been spent with Shae and Tyler. The place hasn't been incredibly crowded luckily, but there were easily about forty others in this part of the house alone. I'm assuming only high school grades were invited, but there were a considerable number of students to meet that requirement. The issue at hand for me, other than how crowded this place is, is that both Shae and Tyler ditched me to go... somewhere? I think Shae saw some of her friends and went somewhere with them, but Tyler was pretty secretive about where he was going, only telling me that he'd be back in a bit. So I've been standing here in this random corner of the house with a drink in hand, trying to make myself look busy and not awkward, which is exactly why I didn't want to go to this party in the first place!

"Jake!" A voice shouted from a ways away.

I turn my head in confusion, revealing Alex, walking towards me from across the room.

"Oh, Alex! Hey! What's up dude!" I finish the last bit of my soda, waving at him. Because this was Chris' party, there was obviously beer too, but I didn't feel like coming home drunk and my parents finding out.

"I didn't think you'd wanna come to something like this! Feeling the regret yet?"

"I like parties! It's the times like these when I'm standing in a corner by myself with nothing to do that I hate, which seems to happen every time I go to a party!" I exclaimed, pausing for a moment. "Okay, maybe I do hate parties- I've had to explain this so many times today I'm about ready to jump into Lake Ambuscade."

' "Wow, sounds like somebody needs to socialize instead of stewing in a corner for the rest of the night!"

"Socialize? Really? I know just about everybody here and just about none of them are worth talking-"

"Hang with me and Elliot, then? Justin set up some racing games in the other room, we were gonna join, but we could use a fourth... You in?" He said, his tone obviously trying to sound coercing.

"God, please, anything to get me out of this corner for the next three hours." I said, Alex returning my words with a laugh.

"Well, come on then! We'll have to hurry if we want to get one of the good controllers!" He exclaimed, motioning to follow him.

As we move through the various cliques, I recognize a few faces here and there, though not enough to actually want to talk to them. There's been music playing since we got here, and I have yet to recognize a single song, they all seem to be some form of drone-y bass-heavy music that I can't say I've heard in any normal situations. I'm doing my best to follow Alex, although he keeps weaving between the other animals faster than I can keep up, resulting in me having to shove past everyone near me in an effort to speed myself up. Luckily, it seems that no one notices me anyway.

When we arrive in the other room, it seems to just be another living room, but decorated with a galore of punk band posters, shelves holding more DVD cases than I would ever care to count, and even a mini-fridge. Maybe Chris is the type to have a 'man cave' or something? Just hearing that phrase almost makes me want to vomit, but there aren't any more accurate words that come to mind. The room isn't massive or anything, but the TV resting upon the wall across the room seems to challenge that idea, looking almost eighty inches in size. Luckily no randoms from the party were in here, sitting about ten feet away from the TV is Elliot, leaning back in a purple bean bag chair that seems almost three times bigger than him, and Justin, the cougar I'd only known slightly through Alex, laying down sideways on the couch directly in front of the gigantic screen.

"Whatttt! You took the bean bag chair? Lameee..." Alex whined.

"You're the one who wanted to go get Jake, you snooze you lose!" Elliot retorted, looking oddly proud of himself.

"Damn, wish I had a room like this at my house..." I mumbled, looking around the room.

"Are we gonna play or what?" Justin said, cutting through the momentary silence.

"Duh!" Alex claimed.

Justin sits up, taking the spot on the couch closest to Elliot. I opt for the leftmost seat, and Alex sits in-between the both of us. Elliot grabs the other three controllers and tosses them over at us, one by one. Luckily, there weren't any garbage third-party controllers, so at least none of us would have to deal with that. I will admit, it did feel kinda weird going to someone's party just to play games away from everybody, but I would be lying if I said I didn't prefer that, even though I rarely play games, if ever.

After Justin turns the console on, he goes through the menus, launching the game. I can't say I recognize the title, but it seems to be a pretty standard racing game. He goes into the custom mode, opting for a four-player split-screen match, choosing 'R1' as the category of cars to race in. As everyone chooses their cars, I scroll through the list, not really knowing what to pick. I've never been good with car stuff, so I pick an 'Aston Martin Lola' just based on the number-rating system the game ranks the cars with.

"You guys ready?" Justin asks.

"Oh yeah, get ready to eat my dust you guys!" Elliot exclaims, challengingly.

"Oddly prideful words for someone about to lose!" Alex replies, laughing.

The countdown begins, as the cameras slowly show the view of each car as it moves to the rear. When it starts, I somehow manage the fuckup of spinning my tires out, leaving me a few seconds behind the others as the car swerves back and forth. I curse under my breath as I try to regain control of the car, and swiftly pick up speed. The track seems like nothing I haven't seen before, a typical professional track, with rows and rows of audience seating to the side. Unfortunately, I'm now in last place. The next few moments of the track are a few quick corners, allowing me the chance to catch up, at least a little.

Unexpectedly, the track turns off of the main road, going into a forested area. The road is considerably more narrow at this point, so it takes a conscious effort to not drive into the trees by the asphalt. It looks like the road stretches on forever, as I still can't make out any upcoming turns. I guess the car I chose for the race had a better top speed than Justin's, as I'm quickly catching up to him, moving into third place. I'm gripping my controller to an uncomfortable degree, but I can't seem to relax the tension as I try to make my way into second place. I don't think I can pick up any more speed in this car, so me moving up is reliant on the road staying straight for just a bit longer. After what feels like a lifetime, the front of my car finally starts making it past Elliot's, then the midsection, and finally, I'm in second. The sound of all four car engines is drowning out any remnants of the video game music, and I feel the sudden urge to curse out whoever turned the TV volume up this high. My eyes are focused entirely on Alex's car as I make my final push into first place. If I were actually driving this fast in the real world, I'd be scared out of my fucking mind. Out of nowhere, Alex, and the others, begins to slow down considerably.

Oh fuck.

It's at that point I notice that there is a sharp right turn rapidly approaching. I've been pushing the top-speed of this car since the beginning of this stretch of road, and now I'm going too quickly to stop in time. What's the button to use the handbrake, again? I figure that the only way for me to not fuck up this race for myself is to try to drift around the corner. Considering I've never played this game before, it's going to prove to be a challenge. But, it's either that, or just ending up in dead-last again.

I hold down the A button, and pull the joystick as far to the right as possible. Suddenly, all I can hear from the game is the loud skidding sounds of my tires against the asphalt. To my surprise, I cut the corner a bit early, now going over the grass. I try to do a bit of directional-corrections and start heading back onto the track. Going over the grass definitely slowed me down a fair bit, but it definitely was a significantly better outcome over just crashing into the wall. And, to my surprise, the corner of my screen reads... first?!?

"How the fuck...?" Alex questions, seemingly in disbelief.

"I wish I could tell you." I replied, eyes wide at whatever the fuck just happened.

The distance I managed to gain on Alex isn't by a whole lot, but there's only about a quarter of the track left before we reach the finish line, so I have a chance at winning this. The track hurriedly changes from the forest as it reenters the main track. The long, straight roads seem to end as the road becomes a slow series of sharp turns, never giving me the opportunity to get back up to speed. It seems like the high top speed was my only advantage, because at every corner we take, I turn my camera around, revealing the other cars inching closer and closer to me.

I can see the finish line on the mini-map, just a few more turns away. I know that I'm not gonna be able to distance myself from Alex and the others at this point, so my only feasible strategy is to keep moving, cutting the corners as fast as I can, and getting to the finish line before they can pass me. Unfortunately, Alex's car seems to be getting too close for comfort now, meaning I might have to take some risks to ensure I can stay in first. As we approach the final turn, leading into the finish line, I realise I'm gonna have to try to drift this corner. I can feel my pointer finger practically cracking the plastic on the controller from the amount of pressure I'm putting on the right trigger. In a final plea to win, I push down on the A button, pulling the handbrake. The car starts to smoothly skid around the corner. Luckily, there are barriers on the sides of the road this time, preventing me from sliding onto the grass. To my surprise, the drift seems to work better than expected. That is, until, like the fucking idiot I am, make a slight overcorrection towards the left barriers as I exit the drift. I managed to avoid driving directly into the wall, but it did slow me down a bit.

Alex is immediately behind me, and I put all of my strength into accelerating towards the finish line. I'd be fucked if I broke the controller, cause I can't really afford the fifty dollars to buy a new one, but winning this race is more important to me at the moment. The finish line is only about five-hundred metres away, and Alex is slowly beginning to pass. All I can do at this point is push the gas as much as I can, and pray that I can cross the finish line before he can get back into first place. The finish line gets closer and closer, and it seems like it's gonna be too close for me to accurately tell the winner. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest from how stressful this fucking game has been, and now, we're about to find out whose efforts paid off. As each car makes its way over the finish line, each of our dedicated sections of the screen turns to slow motion. When it's finally over, the text fades in on each screen, revealing our place...

...

...

...Second?!?

"FUCK!" I shouted, realising I had been holding my breath since the final stretch of the race.

"HA! Dude, you suck!" Alex exclaimed, playfully shoving me.

"I think that was the most effort I've put into anything in my life." I said, setting my controller on the coffee table in front of me.

"Wow, that's dramatic," Justin remarked.

"Yeah, that's the usual for Jake," Elliot replied, laughing.

"You probably woulda won if you picked a better car, dude. That track was way too close-quarters so you should've gone with a car with better acceleration." Alex said.

"Wha- do you own this game?" I questioned, looking accusatory.

"...Yeah? It came out a few months ago, pretty popular right now." He replied.

"Ugh, this is what I get for playing with a bunch of gamers." I exclaimed, applying a disgusted tone to the last word.

"Not my fault you only play like one game a month!" Alex joked.

"Even then, I was like this close to beating you anyway!" I said, gesturing a minuscule distance between my thumb and pointer finger.

A voice interrupts our argument, coming from right outside the room, "Uh huh...

...

Really? That's bullshit! Come on...

...

Dude, give me a couple of days, I'll make it right!

...

Yeah, I swear."

It seems that we all stopped talking to listen in at the same time. "That sounds like Tyler... who's he arguing with?" Elliot asked. I can't make out the voice of whoever he's talking to, it just sounds like mumbling.

They seem to pause for a moment, and the sound of a single set of footsteps can be heard.

"Fuck..." Tyler says to himself, still out of view.

"...I should probably see what's up, you guys can keep playing without me." I say, getting up from my spot on the couch.

"Yeah, you do that! Less competition for me," Alex exclaims, laughing to himself.

"Hey, I can still beat your ass at this game, I know exactly which car to pick this time!" Elliot argued.

"Yeah, right! Guess we'll find out!"

I leave as the three start up another game, kind of glad I don't have to have another near-heart attack from playing again. When I get back into the dimly-lit hallway, Tyler is nowhere to be seen.

I look around, heading into the main room of the house to see if I can spot him. It's pretty difficult to see anything, because of how dim it is here, plus the sheer amount of animals crowding up the place. Despite that, I manage to spot the Grey Wolf a ways away, hurrying quickly into the bathroom.

As I shove my way through a few groups of teens, I almost fall over a few times, gaining confused stares from a few in the room. I lightly knock on the bathroom door, waiting for a response, "Hey, you okay Tyler?" After a few moments, I'm returned with no answer, "...Tyler-" Before I can finish my sentence, Tyler swiftly pulls open the bathroom door, pulling me in and shutting the door behind me, before sitting down on the side of the bathtub. As I'm about to say something, I hear the sound of him sniffling.

...Is he crying?

He's looking towards the floor, so I can't confirm it visually, but the sound definitely gives it away.

"Whoa, what's wrong? Did something happen?" I asked worriedly, not yet choosing to bring up the argument we overheard.

There's a few seconds of silence as he tries to bring himself together, not very successfully. "I- I... I don't- I don't think I can-"

"It's fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I tried to reassure him. He raises his head for a moment to look at me, trying to find words to say, instead opting to go back to crying, head in his hands. I've never been good with situations like this, so I sit down next to him, putting my hand on his upper back, softly patting.

"I'm sorry- I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have asked you to come."

"Hey! I've been having fun! Don't worry about me, it seems like you're the one who shouldn't have come." I joke, in some effort to lighten the mood.

Shit, was that inconsiderate of me to say?

To my surprise, he manages to let out a light laugh, "Yeah, I'm starting to realise that."

"...Do you wanna leave, then? They know I didn't want to go here in the first place, so you could just say you're being nice and walking me home." I didn't know if he would actually take up that offer, but I know some guys have a weird thing about not wanting to seem 'uncool' and leaving a party early was definitely considered that.

He thinks for a moment, still sniffling pretty noticeably. "...okay, just- give me a minute, I don't want to go out there looking like this." He mumbles, looking towards the door.

"Yeah, that's fine." I said, continuing to rub around his neck area.

This definitely wasn't how I expected the night to go. But it was a sort of 'two-birds-with-one-stone' kind of situation. I get to help out Tyler, which is usually the other way around, I get to leave early, and hopefully Shae stops bugging me about going to parties, at least for a while.

Now that I think about it, that analogy is pretty messed up.

A few silent minutes go by as I sit next to the still-crying Tyler, waiting for him to recollect himself. Even though he hasn't actually said anything here, in the two months I've known him, this is probably the most vulnerable I've ever seen him. When I first met him, it was pretty accurate to describe him as the kind of guy who acts like he never feels emotion. Hell, even I refuse to be open about my feelings, but most of my friends see through that nowadays. Even now, I don't really understand why I do that. I guess it's just easier to not talk about shit like that? Is that why Tyler does it?

"I think I'm good now," He said, shaking his hands as he stood up.

"Okay, let's get out of this dumpster fire." I sarcastically remarked. Tyler shot me a confused look in return. "Whatever, let's just go."

I open the bathroom door, grabbing his arm as I lead him out into the main room. Almost immediately the voice of a certain black cat perks up behind us.

"Oh? And what did you two get up to in there?" Chris remarked, laughing, "I didn't know you guys were THAT kind of friends!"

God damnit. This stupid fucking feline.

"Yeah, it's too loud out here for me, I needed a break, he came with." I explained, Tyler standing closely behind me with a confused look on his face. Just roll with it, dude, I think to myself, knowing I probably shouldn't say that out loud.

"You know, I would believe that, but normal guys actually just go outside when they need a break." He replied.

"Well, hey! That's where we're going right now, so it all checks out!" I say in the bitchiest voice I can muster.

"Heh, sure thing, Jake." He said, sounding weirdly satisfied with himself. I didn't want to spend any more time in this fucking house than I needed to, especially while talking to Chris, so I continue on, pulling Tyler by the hand towards the exit. After a few moments, we make it to the front door. I promptly open it and we both head outside.

We're immediately greeted by the light of the moon and the starry sky as we head down the walkway toward the street. One of the few benefits of living in such a backwater town was the absence of any significant light pollution. I've been to Portland a few times for school field trips and such, and seeing the sheer difference in visible stars was absolutely staggering. I could only imagine what it would be like to go stargazing in the middle of nowhere.

"At least it's a nice night out." I said.

"Yeah..." Tyler replied, his mind clearly in a completely different place.

"I should probably tell Shae where we went, so she doesn't freak out trying to find us back there." I joked, pulling out my cell phone. Texting on my flip phone was an arduous task, but I didn't want to call her, so I had not much of a choice.

I send the text, and close my phone, returning it to my pocket. As we walk down the road, we stew in the silence, the only auditory sounds coming from the party still close by, and the local crickets chirping.

I won't lie, as much as I usually appreciate quiet, this is the loudest silence I've ever been stuck in. It goes on for more than five minutes. I could tell he wanted to say something, and I was eager to find out whatever was going on that started this in the first place. But, like the coward I am, I try to lighten the mood.

"Hopefully that satisfied your quota of me going to parties with you for a while, cause I do not plan on having the energy for something like that again for at least a few months." I said, awkwardly laughing. He doesn't respond, at least for a while, as he raises his hand, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "...Uhh, are you sure you don't wanna talk about it? I mean-"

"Can I tell you something?" He interrupted, his voice still cracking like it was in the bathroom.

"...Sure?" I replied, slightly confused.

"It's just that- I don't really know- like what-"

"-to say? Just think for a minute. No rush." That's what my dad always says whenever my mind spirals. I used to be really anxious, although I've been getting better at controlling my thoughts in the past few years.

When I went to text Shae a few minutes ago, my phone's clock read 9:48 PM. I'm supposed to be home at ten and we're still at least twenty minutes away, not even including the detour we'll take to get to Tyler's place. Which brings me to the realisation that, when we get to his house, I'm gonna have to walk the rest of the way home by myself, in the dark. If I get murdered by some serial killer this late at night I'm gonna fucking haunt Shae from the afterlife-

"I think I'm gay," He quickly says, his voice holding a noticeable increase in energy compared to what I've been used to tonight.

Well... can't say that's exactly what I was expecting. Was I expecting anything in particular? I honestly don't know anymore. His words took me by surprise, my brain is kind of scrambled right now. I look over at him - he's looking back at me, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I did my best to conceal any facial reaction, but it's pretty clear that my lack of a response is starting to become noticeable.

"...You... think?"

"Well, like- I don't know. I guess I've just been thinking for a while, and it makes sense... all things considered." He replied anxiously.

"That- That's great! Does anyone else know?"

"I only really realised a few weeks ago, so... no. But compared to anyone else, I probably trust you the most to not like- tell anyone?" He said, looking over at me again.

"Well, I appreciate the completely undeserved confidence you have in me," I joked, realising too late that now probably isn't the time for that, "Yeah, I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you," He replies, a genuine smile strewn across his face.

A few minutes go by as we walk down the road, absorbing the positive energy we created. Having only known Tyler for a little over two months, it definitely surprised me knowing that he trusted me more than anyone else to keep a secret like that... I mean, despite the short amount of time since I met him, I'm as close to him as I've been to Shaela for the past eight years. Maybe even closer? I barely even tell Shae about my actual problems, at least the non-surface level stuff. So yeah, I guess it makes sense that he would trust me with something so important, I know I would absolutely trust him if it were me in that situation.

"...So, do you think you're gonna tell your dad?"

He didn't say anything for a moment as he stared down at the ground beneath him, "I'll probably have to tell him soon, if he has to find out from some asshole that isn't me it'd make it ten times more difficult than if I just said it myself."

I agreed, and we let the conversation cut itself off as we finally approached Tyler's house. I followed him up the walkway and stood on the patio, making sure he actually got inside. He tries the doorknob eagerly, to no avail. Realising that it was locked, he reaches into his pocket for his key - again, to no avail.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me," Tyler mumbled under his breath, clearly done with tonight. All of the lights were off in the house, signalling that his dad was not awake.

"Maybe you'll wake him up if you knock? Then he can let you in."

"Nonono, he thinks I'm staying at your place! If he finds out I went to a party I'm in deep shit," He whispered.

Of course. If I had to lie to my parents, why would I expect anything different from anyone else?

"Okay, uhh... maybe we can make that lie... not a lie?" I said, sounding weirder than I'd like.

Tyler looked at me, confused for a moment, eyes widening as he realised what I meant, "I can't let you do that, I've already forced you through too much shit tonight."

"Oh, come on, of course you can sleep at my place for the night! My parents think I'm at your house right now, so I can just tell them that we both went over there early in the morning. They love you anyway, so it won't be a problem!"

He didn't move at all, still looking reluctant, "Are you sure it won't be... weird? I don't want to put you in an awkward situation cause of w- what I told you."

"Dude, that couch in my room has a hide-a-bed if you don't want to share mine. Either way, we're friends, aren't we? I trust you."

After a few moments of silence, he speaks up, "...I guess so-"

"Great, then it's settled!" I said, putting my arm around his shoulder as I led him back down the walkway.

---

Once we make it to my place, walk up the creaky wooden steps of my patio as I fish the house key out of my pocket. Tyler's standing closely behind me, looking awkward as ever, clearly not knowing what to do with his hands as he switches between putting them in his pockets and clasping them together.

I turn the key on the lock and try the door, noticing that It's completely pitch black inside the house. My parents usually go to bed at 10 PM, and it was well past that at this point. I lock the door behind us as I reach for my pocket, grabbing my phone and flipping it open to use as a barely-useful flashlight. I take Tyler's wrist as I lead him through the furniture of my living room and up the stairs. The only sounds in the house come from the soft ticking of a clock in the kitchen, the sound of which has always freaked me out whenever I'd come downstairs at three in the morning. Despite my best efforts to be as quiet as possible, the old wooden boards of the stairs prove my effort to be futile as they creak with every step. I can only hope that both of my parents have fallen asleep by now, or else they'd definitely have heard us. As I take Tyler down the hallway, walls strung with various family photos and art fit for a motel, I hear no sounds coming from the master bedroom, relaxing some of my tension.

Once we make it to my room, I breathe a sigh of relief as I turn on the overhead light, hoping my mom doesn't find out and try to lecture me in the morning, "Okay, hide-a-bed or mine, your choice!"

"Hide-a-bed." He replies.

"Sure thing, lemme show you how to set it up," I say as I remove each couch cushion one by one. The couch is sitting directly under my massive bedroom window, illuminated by the glow of the moon. Under the cushions is a black folded-up contraption, bearing a metal handle. I grab the handle and start pulling the bed out from the couch. As the first section of the bed comes out, Tyler stands next to me and helps unfold the second section, and finally the third.

I move over to open the closet door, "I have some spare pillows and blankets in here."

"So, why do you have a spare bed... thingy... in your room anyway?" He asked.

"My cousins' family came to visit from the other side of the country a few years back, so my parents made the cousins stay in my room and gave me our old couch that used to be in the living room. They were here for like two weeks, it was fucking awful," I remarked, pulling a comforter out of the closet and unfolding it out on the mattress.

"That sounds miserable," Tyler sympathized.

"It was, but hey, now I got a sick as fuck couch in my room! And it works as a great place for certain friends to sleep when they wanna spend the night," I said sarcastically, looking over at Tyler as I grabbed the pillows from the closet, tossing them to one end of the bed.

He turned his head, baffled, "Was that a dig on me?" He questioned.

"Depends on how you took it I suppose," I replied, smiling cunningly.

"You're the one who offered, dude- are you sure you didn't drink at the party? You've at least doubled your usual level of sarcasm." He retorted.

"Nope, unless somebody spiked my soda!" I joked, but the realisation slowly set in, "Oh shit- maybe someone spiked my soda?!?"

"Don't freak out, I seriously doubt someone would spike your drink,"

"God, I hope so, if my parents found out I went to that party, that'd be one thing, but if I got drunk? I doubt I'd see the outside world for months," I sighed.

"Even if you were drunk, it's not like you would still be drunk in the morning for them to find out, anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I said, letting out a yawn shortly thereafter. "Fuck, I didn't realise how tired I am." Looking at my alarm clock, it was 10:37 PM. That wasn't terribly late, I've definitely stayed up later when there was an assignment due the next day that I forgot about, but even before I met up with Alex and Elliot, that party was just wearing me down. "At least I can sleep in 'till like noon tomorrow. You sure you don't need anything before I pass out from exhaustion?"

"No, I'm okay, I think. And, thank you... Jake." He replied, smiling at me.

"No problem, dude!" I quietly exclaimed as I turned off the bedroom lights and hopped into bed. I can practically feel my muscles dissolve as I lean into the mattress, pulling the heavy blankets over me as I close my eyes.

I can't help but feel something itching in the back of my brain. I never did find out why Tyler was even crying back at the party. Was it related to what he told me after? He sounded pretty upset when he was talking to whoever it was in the hallway, too, so maybe that was why? We've already talked about so much shit tonight, though, and I definitely did not have the energy to have another huge conversation about something like that. It could definitely wait until tomorrow.

Soon, I feel my consciousness drift away, the only sound I can make out being the slow breathing of Tyler, across the room.

---

As I wake up, I'm blinded by the bright sun shining in through my windows, directly into my eyes. I glance over at my alarm clock, feeling incredibly groggy and sore, noticing that it's 11:13 AM. Usually, the latest I'd sleep in on weekends was only around ten, but I guess it took a lot of my energy yesterday to try to tune the party out. At least it's over.

I slowly sit up, yawning as I lean back against the bed frame. I glanced around the room, noticing that the hide-a-bed had been folded back into the couch, Tyler nowhere to be seen. I reach over to my bedside table to check my phone, finding an unread text from him, sent a few hours ago.

Tyler: hey

woke up early, figured youd want 2 sleep in.

will call u later, might have somthin big i wanna share, will see

A pair of oddly cryptic messages. Guess that confirms he isn't here anymore.

At least it was a Saturday, meaning that I had full permission to be a slob. I get out of bed, deciding to skip my usual shower until after breakfast. Other than the snacks that were out at the party, I ate practically nothing last night. I could almost feel my stomach turning itself inside out, so I hurried out of my room and downstairs to the kitchen to have some breakfast.

The first thing I notice when I get downstairs is my mom, sitting on the couch with a book. I head straight to the kitchen, trying not to make myself stand out.

"Jake! Finally woken up, I see." She remarked, still looking at her book.

"Hey, mom!" There's a moment of silence as I grab a bowl out of the cupboard, as well as a box of cereal, and begin to pour.

She speaks up, "Your friend, Tyler, seemed to be in a hurry to leave this morning, anything I should know about?"

"...Not that I know of? Like what?" I questioned as I poured some milk from the fridge, grabbed a spoon, and sat at the kitchen counter.

"Well, it's not like we didn't notice that you weren't home by ten like your father asked you to be, so obviously you must have a good excuse for why you didn't at least call to let us know you'd be late?" She replied. I could tell when she started talking all responsible-parent-like, it meant that she was gonna lecture me about something.

I sighed, thinking of the right thing to say. "...Well, Tyler was going through some things... so I was trying to help him with that, I guess. Time just kinda flew by and I wasn't able to get home 'till later."

"So he spent the night here? Weren't you at his house?" She asked as I ate a spoonful of cereal.

"Yeah... we went out for a bit and once I noticed how late it was I offered to let him spend the night at our house since it was closer," I said. Almost entirely a lie, but definitely preferable to the truth.

"Jake..." She said, setting her book down on the coffee table in front of the couch, walking over to me, and resting a hand on my shoulder. "You're sixteen now, obviously we don't expect you to tell us everything you're up to nowadays. But we worry about you! I worry about you. Just for future reference, please let us know if you're gonna be home late or anything like that."

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind," I said, looking up at her.

"Great! Now, I have to go meet a friend for lunch, please try not to burn the house down while I'm out!" She said as she grabbed her purse and keys off of the counter, hurring out the door.

"No promises, love you!" I said as she closed the door behind her.

Well, I guess that went... better than expected? I doubt she believed that story I made up, but I guess as long as I don't break curfew without telling them, I should be fine.

Having the house to myself wasn't totally uncommon. Considering my dad was gone during the day five days a week, and my mom would head out to go meet friends or run errands pretty often, I got some much needed alone time often enough to not go mad.

As I finish my bowl of cereal, I realise that I probably should go shower as soon as possible, considering the night I had. I put my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher and head back upstairs. I grab a towel from my room and head into the bathroom, grabbing my various fur care products out of the cabinet for after the shower. As I turn the shower on, I hear the sound of my ringtone going off in the pocket of my pants on the floor. I sigh annoyedly, walking over and trying to figure out which pocket my phone was in. When I flip open the phone, the Caller ID reads out Tyler's name.

"Tyler! What's up?" I ask eagerly, hoping to find out what the news he cryptically texted about was.

"Jake- fuck, I messed up, I shouldn't have- what am I gonna do?" He said anxiously, sounding almost out of breath.

"Hey! Slow down, what's wrong?" I questioned.

"I'm such a fucking idiot! Why did I think this would be a good idea? Jake, I'm so sorry-"

"Tyler! Calm. Down. Just take a few deep breaths," I said. After a few moments, I can hear his breathing steadying on the other side of the call. "Okay, good. Now, what's wrong?"

There's a short pause as he tries to find the right words to say. It sounds like he's been crying. What even the fuck has been the past twenty-four hours?

"Can- do you think I could crash at y- your place for a few more nights? I don't know what to do."

[weartirondad]

Sometimes Home Is A Mess

Prompt: “Please don’t leave me, I can’t do this without you.”“(With bby Peter and Tony) The Avengers are paroned from the according and return to the tower but haven't really asked for forgiveness. Baby Peter remembers days his dad returning with a limp and dent heart. Peter being a little genius connect the dots is now clinging to his father he felt he could have lost. Seeing the avengers gives no only Tony anxiety but to Peter as well. He scream and cries when he's so much a inch away from his farther heart. begging him not to go or leave his side.” (Anon)

A/N: Set after You Made Me A Believer. You don’t hafta read it together but you could.  Also check out this amazing song Home - by Stefanie Heinzmann 

Summary:  When the Avengers break apart, Tony is tired and worn and broken but Peter is there and it helps. -- When the Avengers get pardoned a year later because the world decides they need their heroes back Tony is worn from the fights he fought to get them there and Peter is still there.

FF.net I ao3 

--

There’s a dull ache behind his temple when his fuzzy mind clambers back into consciousness and a throbbing pain sits right behind his sternum. The feeling of his chest split open and his every muscle battered and bruised is a distressingly familiar one and for the briefest of moments the air around him feels too humid and dirty.

He can taste the blood and the sweat and smells the burned flesh and metal. He hears the crunching of sand between his teeth when he moves his jaw. He sees red and feels cold.

He’s not there, though, he knows that. Knows it by the way his ribs are cracked in a meticulously designed half-oval and by the memories he can’t push away.

His near death experience years ago in that cave in Afghanistan feels small, manageable, compared to the new betrayal. The new incision cut open scar tissue he’s been trying his hardest to forget but it’s different this time, somehow, more personal.

A humorless laugh slips past his dry lips at the thought of something being more personal than what Obie did to him and soon after he starts coughing, wincing when each and every fiber of his body is cataloging more pain until he feels it’s all he is.

“Jar?”

The name is out before he can think better of it and when it is – warm and familiar and soothing on his tongue – the wrong voice replies, hesitant in a way JARVIS wouldn’t have been. But Jarvis is Vision now and doesn’t have to answer to him anymore – not like that at least. Just another soul slipping from his desperate fingers that are always searching for a meaning, closeness, a family.

“You seem agitated, boss. Do you want me to call for help?”

He wants to scoff at the notion but thinks better of it, eyes still closed, mouth still dry.

“No,” he croaks out eventually because he doesn’t want help – doesn’t deserve it either. If he has to keep living, he wants to do it like this – in darkness and alone. He wants to embrace the shadows that have been hovering at his doorstep for as long as he can remember.

Some famous dead guy once said ‘We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.’ and that’s exactly what he wants to do. Somewhere without the hurt, the constant betrayal and disappointment. He just wants peace.

That's all he’s ever wanted.

It’s all he’ll never get.

When F.R.I.D.A.Y. stays quiet he feels tears burn in his eyes. JARVIS would’ve ignored his orders.

He’s close to drifting off again when a small commotion startles him awake – survival instinct kicking in, even in a tower better secured than Fort Knox he’s always alert, always expecting something to attack.

This particular assault, though, makes his heart lighter and his muscles relax for the first time since… since that bunker probably. Since that god forsaken video.

“Peter is here to see you, boss, he asks if you’re up.” The AI’s voice is fond and it eases the pain of missing his old friend. F.R.I.D.A.Y. and Peter are getting along. Peter loves the Irish voice and the way she’s coded. To him she’s family just like Vision is.

“Let him in.”

It’s only been a few months since that fatal shooting that lead him to the boy and his aunt but ever since then they have taken up such a huge part of his life that he can’t remember a time when he didn’t have a kid running through his living room, dropping pens and paper and Lego everywhere.

When Peter is there, every corner of the empty tower is filled with life and laughter and love. He drives the ghosts and memories away, replaces them with new ones – better ones, purer ones – without realizing what he’s doing.

The squirt comes barreling into the room, arms clutching a lime green notebook to his chest, eyes twinkling and lips moving with rambles Tony’s dazed mind doesn’t quite catch.

He is young. He is life. He is hope.

He is everything Tony isn’t.                                                          

But then he stops and takes him in and his mouth slams shut, the audible click of his teeth like a gunshot in the sterile room. The smile in his eyes drains like a plug being pulled and there’s something wary in them now – a mind trapped in a memory – and there’s fear and hesitation.

“Tony?” he asks, voice eons away from the happy one he craves to hear. “Wha – What happened?”

Peter doesn’t drop the notebook like Tony might have. Instead he clutches it more tightly to his chest when he slowly steps closer to the bed, entire posture guarded and tense, ready to bolt at any second but not really wanting to.

“I,” he sighs because he hates lying and then tries not to wince which goes less than successful, “I got into a fight,” is what he settles on but he can see by the frown forming on Peter’s forehead that he’s suspicious. “You know how the super hero life goes – criminals don’t like being stopped.”

It’s a pathetic attempt at a joke and he knows that even with six years Peter can see right through his façade. Damn this kid and his emotional intelligence.

“Normal criminals don’t get that close,” he retorts quietly and then adds, voice dropping: “Pepper said you went out to help Captain America.”

Ah. Well, that’s just unfortunate.

“I did.”

“He hurt you.”

“Maybe I hurt him too.”

That makes the boy pause and look down, gaze stopping on his bruised hand that is connected to an IV stand next to his bed. Somehow, when he looks up again he looks older.

“Mister Vision had to fly out to get you back. If Captain America was that hurt he would’ve brought him back, too.”

Tony hates the matter of fact way he says it and the distrust that swings in his voice when speaking about one of his child hood heroes. He wants to take it all away but he finds that he’s too worn to lie, too tired to comfort, so he does what he does best and deflects.

“I thought you didn’t like hospitals.”

Peter shrugs like it’s not a big deal but his knuckles are turning white with the force he uses to clutch his notebook and when he mumbles a reply he doesn’t meet his eyes, “’S not a real hospital. ‘S like home. I was –“ He breaks off blushing and voice small when he finally looks at him again, “Are you okay?”

A small smile graces Tony’s lips and, to his utmost surprise, it doesn’t feel fake. He likes it when Peter calls the tower home. It feels like a spark of hope that it might be one again one day.

“I’m better now that I’ve got my favorite person in the whole world around to blow kisses on my booboos,” he grins and scoots over to make room on his bed for Peter.

It’s what they usually do when he gets back from a mission and is resting on the couch or his bed and Peter doesn’t waste another second to comply, jumping up and nestling into his side like a cat like he always does.

Like clockwork Tony’s arm winds around the boy’s back despite the pain the movement elicits and Peter leans forward to receive the usual kiss to the top of his head. When he leans back to scrutinize Tony his nose is adorably scrunched up and he looks slightly indignant. “Y’ know, booboo is a baby word and I’m a big boy.”

“Oh, you’re a big boy now, are you?” The offended puppy eyes melt away the last of the Siberian ice and he yields to the little boy. “Okay, okay. You’re a big boy,” he acquiesces, “So what kind of big boy stuff have you been up to while I was gone?”

Peter jumps right into it, pulling up his notebook and showing him how he has been practicing writing cursive. It became a thing just before Peter started school in summer that Tony would start to teach him the art of cursive writing. The moment he saw May’s awful handwriting for the first time he knew he couldn’t let the poor boy learn on that alone, so he took it upon himself to coach him on the intricacies of it.

Despite popular belief he actually loved writing things by hand and he had a good handwriting – it was just impractical most of the time and when did he ever do things for fun?  

The kid is still flicking through his book looking for a particular page when Tony startles both of them with a laugh.

“Did you,” he snorts and blinks away the moisture in his eyes that he’s not sure comes from the pain or the laughter, “Did you really write my name on there? C’mere, show me that!”

The hand not holding Peter in place tugs the book out of his hands and flicks to the side where he had painted a big Iron Man helmet and had written his superhero’s persona’s name next to it for Peter to practice writing the capital I. Peter, being Peter, though had decided to defy him on all accounts and had written his name – Anthony Edward Stark – over and over until the page was full. Ending on a half- finished Anthony Edw –

The writing is shaky and awkward because some of the letters they haven’t even practiced yet but all of them are correct and in that moment Tony loves Peter more than he could ever put into words, more than he ever thought he could love someone and he laughs again and this time he knows the tears are from both the pain of what he’s lost and from the bliss – the future – he’s holding in his arms.

“You think you’re being really funny, don’t ya?”

Peter scoffs and sticks his tongue out at him. “I am funny.”

Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

“I really love you buddy, you know that?”

“’Course I do. You tell me all the time.”

 -.-

When the Avengers get pardoned a year later because the world decides they need their heroes back Tony is worn from the fights he fought to get them there.

He’s scared and anxious and angry but when he steps out into the penthouse Peter is sitting there – the picture of a content child – working on a LEGO set Tony is sure is above his age range and his inner storm calms when he approaches and sits down cross-legged next to him, watching him align the pieces carefully and with his tongue tucked between his teeth.

Maybe it’s selfish to break him out of his concentration, maybe he should just let him be but he needs Peter’s strength right now, needs his smile to build up his own because he’s tired and he’s wary and he needs to be reminded what he’s doing all this for.

“Hey bud,” he greets him with a hair ruffle and presses a kiss to the top of his head, lingering an instant longer than he normally would to breathe in the familiar scent. It’s home and it’s safe and it’s wonderful.

“Whataya up to?”

Peter beams up at him and somehow it makes his heart lighter and heavier at the same time. “May got me an AT-AP Walker Set! Pepper promised to help me build it but Morgan was hungry and I think she pooped herself,” he sniffs as if thinking back to a truly awful memory and Tony can’t help the smile forming on his lips. “Do you wanna help, too?”

“I would love to,” he sighs dramatically and leans back against the couch, watching Peter with a lazy smile. When he’s here like this he can almost forget what comes after. “But I still got an important meeting in, uh, five minutes and just wanted to drop by to, uh, say hi.”

Almost.

Slowly Peter puts down the grey bricks he has been working on and eyes him critically. “You never come home early when you still have a meeting,” he notes, “Unless you’re not going to the meeting but I think Pepper’d be mad if it’s important.”

“Shush,” he rolls his eyes and reaches out again to ruffle his hair. A part of him just wants to hold his boy close and never let go but the bigger part doesn’t want to worry him and to keep him as far away from all of this as possible. Which might not be very far for long.

“I promise I’m going. I just wanted to see something cute before I spend the next few hours with all these boring old folks.”

“I’m not cute,” the squirt quips back and goes back to sorting his bricks, “Morgan is cute. I’m –“

“Yeah, you’re what, Petey? Adorable? Precious? As sweet as the marshmallow fluff that’s giving you cavity? Delightful, maybe? Or what about-“

Suddenly his mouth his covered by a small sweaty hand and he can see how Peter is trying to be serious but he’s failing to suppress a giggle. “I’m not cute.”

Seizing the opportunity he tackles the kid into a hug and holds him close, “Okay, whatever buddy,” he breathes into his hair, “You know I love you, right?”

Soft curls tickle his nose when Peter nods dutifully and he knows he has to leave soon, knows he’s already running late and he can’t be – not for this. But suddenly letting go is so much harder than just getting his muscles to release the small body. The conference room suddenly seems so much farther away than just two stories down, it feels like they’re worlds apart and he likes this one better.

“Steve Rogers is requesting entry to the penthouse,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. interrupts his musings and just like that he feels Peter freeze in his hold and look up at him, eyes wide and betrayed and scared.

“What’s he doing here?” he demands, “What does he want? Why’d you let him in? Wh –“ Then, suddenly, he stills and glares, pushing away from Tony’s grasp and crossing his arms in front of his chest in a way that looks less like defiance and more like he’s shielding himself.  

“He’s your meeting, isn’t he?” he all but spits out and it sounds like the ultimate betrayal. His voice is shaking with anger and his doe eyes, usually soft and loving, are as closed off as Tony has ever seen them.

He pushes himself up to sit on the couch instead of on the ground so they’re eye-level and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Without looking away from Peter, he raises his voice to talk to his AI.

“Tell him access denied and I’ll be with them in just a sec.”

“Them,” Peter narrows his eyes, “Who’s them?”

“The Avengers, Peter, I’m sure you’ve heard of them,” he retorts and immediately feels guilty when there’s a flash of hurt in his eyes. He sighs, head hanging, “Look, I’m sorry, Pete. I’m –“

Before he can decide on what to say, he’s being interrupted, something Peter rarely does and never when it’s important but the boy in front of him who dropped his arms and has his hands clenched to fists, shaking with fury isn’t the boy he usually deals with.

“Why are they here?”

“To talk.”

He wants to walk over to him and take him in his arms again to stop him from shaking like a leaf but he doesn’t want to tower over him, doesn’t want to crouch to be on his level either. This conversation is important and he knows he needs to stay put for now.

“The world needs the Avengers, Pete. We need them to protect the world. I need them to protect Morgan and – and to protect you. To protect my fa-“

“NO!” He all but screams and it has Tony mentally take a step back and stare when he’s stomping his foot and pulling his hair.

“No! No, no, no, no, no. NO!” he yells again, “I don’t need them! We – We don’t need them. We have you!” He scowls angrily. “You’re – You’re Iron Man! And they – I don’t trust them! I hate them! I want them to – I want them to go! Tell them to go away!”

Now, without trying to be braggadocios, Tony would say after helping raise Peter for almost two years and having a toddler of his own he has a pretty good grip on the whole parenting thing but – for fuck’s sake – he’s had it easy so far and never really had to deal with an actual tantrum before.

Sure, Morgan fusses and cries and wails like the world is ending sometimes but a four-month-old tantrum is much different from Peter having a meltdown in front of him. Peter, the most well behaved boy on the planet who rather screams into his pillow than at people and who, for reasons he tries not to dwell on, never ever pushes May or him away in fear of pushing too far and losing too much.

Peter is a good kid. Sometimes he’s angry, sometimes he’s sad and sometimes he has so many emotions he doesn’t know how to deal with that he shuts down but the last time Tony has seen him this helplessly angry was the night he found him in a dark alleyway bend over his uncle’s dead body.

The entirety of his small body seems to be filled with rage. He’s trembling with it, overflowing with fury and what looks like something that’s much too close to hatred for Tony to ever want to see it in his boy’s eyes ever again.

He remembers the first time he had to calm him down, remembers the blood and the pain and the harsh light of the streetlamps and he hates it. Hates the Rogues for making Peter feel that way again more than he hates them for leaving in the first place.

“Kiddo,” he murmurs and slides down from the couch, sitting cross legged and with open arms in front of the shaking kid. He doesn’t scoot closer even though he wants to and tries to beckon him towards him with his voice alone. “They won’t hurt you, I promise. I would never let anyone hurt you.”

“But they hurt you.” Peter hasn’t moved yet but his voice has dropped a few pitches and some of the anger is seeping out of his shoulder. Tony would only count it as a half-win, though, when it’s instantly replaced by sadness and fear. Those he knows how to deal with at least.

“I don’t want them to hurt you again,” he whispers, taking a timid step forward and letting Tony reach for his hands that are hanging listlessly by his side. He watches him uncurl them quietly and when he looks up to meet his gaze again there are tears running down his cheeks. “You have to take care,” he demands reverently and takes another step forward, dropping into Tony’s lap and throwing his arms around the older man’s neck.

“You have to take care and come back,” he presses into his collarbone, “You can’t – Please don’t leave me all alone. I only have May and you and I can’t do this without you. I can’t. You have to promise!”

Oh Peter.

Tony pulls the small boy impossibly closer, rubbing a hand over his back and pressing a kiss to his temple.

“I promise I’ll always come back home to you, kiddo.”

And maybe that’s an unfair promise to make when he can’t ever be sure he’ll be able to keep it. Maybe lying makes him a bad parent. But right now he has his kid crying into his t-shirt and he’d do anything to make it better and so he promises himself that he’ll always do his best and fight his hardest to make sure he’ll always be there to make it better.

[ssweeneys]

i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

[b00bconnoisseur]

Hey do all of the greek god asks

Long post alert

Aphrodite: what you find attractive in a person

Lots of stuff really. But in mostly personality and interests over looks. U can be not really the most good lookin but be the most wonderful person. But u could also be the most beautiful thing ive ever laid eyes on but you're trash of a person. So looks dont matter much to me. But in a person i like if we share interests like art, music, books, and if youre really nice and stuff too

Apollo: favourite piece of music

Ooooo thats hardddd. Just ONE?? Howwww?! Ughhhh. Ok hm idk abt a FAVORITE but i really love heavy by johnnie guilbert and uhh i love ghost and heroin by badflower along with a bazillion others

Ares: opinion on war

If u mean infinity war? Um THAT MOVIE WAS SAD BUT AWESOME AF BUT THAT END THO AAAAAAAAA

Artemis: favourite animal and why

Snakesssss. I just really love snakes. I love the creepiness abt the lil beans. I love how they look. AND I LOVE WHEN THEY WEAR LIL HATS

Athena: share a piece of wisdom

Dont eat Oreos with hotsauce kids. It wont taste good

Dionysus: red, white, or rosé?

I do not drinketh wine but i like the color white over the other 2 so let's go with white

Eros: describe your crush

Nsnsnxndnsnsm damn. Ok uh well he likes hp as well. Hes a tumblr user. Annnddd hes nice :) thats all u lil munchkins get. And only 3 ppl know who this is so ha

Hades: do you believe in life after death?

Like heaven/hell? Idk. Sorta. But i don't really believe it as an afterlife. I think of it as u dead, thats where u go. Over with. But the thought of living like a 100 yrs then being gone for the rest of time sounds stupid like cmon those dudes in the bible can live for thousands of years and we get an average of like 75? Nah. But idk yet

Helios: opinion on tanning

I am already tan. I get more pale in winter n stuff but in summer my skin turns a golden brown color more. Kinda like the color of a cooked hotdog?

Hephaestus: do you think disability can ruin a relationship?

Oof hmm. What kind of disability? Like depression? (wait does it count as one?) I say it can yea maybe but if your partner is loving and supportive and is trying to help then i say you'll be okay

Hera: opinion on feminism

Idk i feel like im sort of a feminist myself. Like i hate that women don't have the same rights as men. Dude hear this. Me and my bro were arguing with our grampa about Hillary clinton or having a woman President and so my bro said to my grampa "so if tam (me) ran for President u wouldn't vote for her? Just cause she's a girl?" And my grampa said "*laughs* yeah i mean i love ya hun but women dont need to be president. Its a mans job. Men are supposed to be the leaders not women. Tge bible says so. No i wouldn't vote for u" and i got pissed cause wtf man??? What's wrong with u?? And then we kept arguing and then he was like *fake laughs* nah i was jk hun u know id vote for u youre my granddaughter. And i called him a liar and that he was lying because i know when hes lying. Then he started being racist abt smtn and then my mom got fed up and we left. I wouldn't talk to my grampa and he got mad so he said I was the one being stupid. Yeah sure ok believe that

Hermes: last text you sent

Uh it was to my best friend and it was "Not a big fan of hp huh?" But before that it was "That's not fai!r everyone has that one book they dont finish when they start on another. And when they dont finish it it usually means they weren't that interested in it. Or they really wanna read this new book cause its hard to focus on the old book when u have the new book and can read it whenever instead"

Persephone: is climate change really a thing or is everyone just overreacting?

I say its a thing!! Everythings changing and i dont think its for the better

Poseidon: list three fears

1. Momo coming to life and chasing after me and finally catching me then making me stare closely into her eyes while killing me slowly

2. Spiders ( @cristal-kyd1280 including jarvis)

3. Dying/dying by me being stupid like skydiving or eating a cup of apple seeds for no reason

Zeus: three places you want to travel to

@dirtysocke in georgia

@mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye in the Netherlands

@cristal-kyd1280 a few hrs away from me

Demeter: favourite season and why

FALL CAUSE ITS THE BEST AND U CAN F I T E ME ON IT

Pan: opinion on gay rights

I fucking WHOLEHEARTEDLY support gay rights!!! I feel fucking ashamed cause i haven't always......(thanks mom, dad) but over the years ive gotten a bit more supportive and stuff but especially in summer last year one day after our shift at the library whenever my friend cadence came out as pan/bi/gay to me while she waited with me for my parents to pick me up. Also especially since i got tumblr and saw how amazing the lgbtq are. Like dude most of my friends are gay um and its fucking awesome?? Like for example dude my friend lucas is bi and i could talk to him abt boys n stuff and how cute different dude celebrities are xD Also i learned alot abt what pansexual and bisexual and stuff was exactly (my mom fuckin told me pan was when a person likes anyone. Even ANIMALS. She fuckin disgusted me like wtf who says that??) But now I'm ready to fight whenever any one even my fam starts being homophobic. Also i want to start reading more about the lgbtq. (I loved svthsa) But yea i say gay rights should be supported by fuckin EVERYONE and NO ONE should be homophobic and if u are like bitch keep that shit to yourself before i slug u

Hestia: describe your ideal house

Idk? Like i want an apartment for a while before an actual house yknow? But when/if i do get one eventually idk id like....just a house? Not a big one but not tiny either. Uhhh i wsnt a room just for my books and one for like an art room. Besides that? I cant think of anything lol

Dude it took like an hr and a half to answer all these holy shit

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

a language that i never knew existed before - Day 12

For @dawninthemtn, who asked for a modern AU in which “Ben Solo keeps trying to cancel his Book-A-Month subscription service, but just can't seem to say no to the friendly customer service agent”.

This was so much fun to write, especially since it allowed me to sneak some epistolary storytelling into this collection. Thanks for the prompt, and I hope you enjoy the ficlet!

Reylo fam! ‘Tis the season for giving, so come get your very own holiday ficlet right here!

25 Days of Reylo Also available on AO3

JUNE

To: custservice@resistancebooks.com From: ben_solo@gmail.com Subject: Cancellation/refund

My friend used my credit card to sign me up for a one-year YA subscription as a prank. I didn’t realize until the first box arrived today. I’d like to cancel the subscription and just pay for the box I’ve already received, if that’s okay.

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: Re: Cancellation/refund

Hi, Ben! I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with our service.

Our refund policy allows you to change your mind anytime and get a full refund for boxes not yet received. But might I suggest changing boxes instead? At $29.99 per month for a box of three books with a combined retail value of up to $59.99, we’re the most affordable book service in the country! If YA isn’t your thing, we offer eleven other standard boxes, along with an option for customization.

If you’d like to give us a second chance, please take this quick quiz to determine the best box for you. The results will automatically be emailed to me upon completion, and I’d be happy to guide you through the selection process.

Best regards, Rey Niima, Customer service representative, Resistance Books.

JULY

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: First box!

Hi, Ben!

Your first sci-fi/fantasy box just shipped out today, and should reach you within three working days. I hope you enjoy the selection, and thank you again for choosing to stick with us!

If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

Best regards, Rey Niima, Customer service representative, Resistance Books.

To: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com From: ben_solo@gmail.com Subject: Re: First box!

Hi, Rey.

Three working days, just like you said. Everything looks okay, thanks for your help.

Regards, Ben.

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: Re: Re: First box!

Hi, Ben!

I’m glad to hear the box arrived on time! If you don’t mind, please keep me informed on how you like the selection. I’ve got a few other suggestions for you based on your quiz results, and I’d be happy to switch your subscription if you’re not absolutely pleased with the sci-fi/fantasy box.

Best regards, Rey Niima, Customer service representative, Resistance Books.

To: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com From: ben_solo@gmail.com Subject: Re: Re: Re: First box!

Hey, Rey.

I think that might be for the best. Sci-fi just isn’t what it used to be. Or maybe I’ve changed; it’s been a while since I last read anything in that genre.

Of course, if that’s too much trouble you can always just go ahead and process my refund. I’d hate to take up more of your time.

Regards, Ben.

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: First box!

Hi, Ben!

It’s no trouble at all! I first joined Resistance back when it was an actual store, and I’ve always loved matching readers up with the right book. As long as you’re okay with it, I’d like to keep going until we find you the right match.

My next suggestion for you based on your quiz results is one of our non-fiction boxes, the history/anthropology combo. Please let me know by the 23rd of this month if you’re interested in that so that I can arrange for the switch and shipping.

Best regards, Rey Niima, Customer service representative, Resistance Books.

AUGUST

To: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com From: ben_solo@gmail.com Subject: New box

Hi, Rey. The box just arrived today, and the selection is perfect.

So perfect that I already pre-ordered all three of them earlier this year.

I think it’s pretty obvious that this service and I just aren’t meant to be, as great as it is. I really do appreciate all of your help, especially you taking the time to discuss books with me off the clock, but it’s probably time to call it.

Unless you’ve got a third suggestion?

Sincerely, Ben.

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: r_niima.custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: Re: New box

What can I say? I’m good at my job – too good, in this case.

I’ve got at least three more suggestions for you, if you’d like to keep going. And your box should have come with a return ticket, if you’d like to send it back; I don’t see the point in you keeping the duplicates, unless you have a friend with the same unique taste in books? I’d be happy to process the return and credit it to your account. Same goes for your first two boxes; I’m sorry I forgot to mention it earlier.

I’ve actually really missed talking about books with someone, so really, thank you for humoring me. If you ever feel like debating the SWEU again, feel free to reach me at 555-3494. I like that things can get heated when we talk about those books, but it’s probably for the best if I don’t argue with a customer on my work email.

Best regards, Rey Niima, Customer service representative, Resistance Books.

SEPTEMBER

Rey: So technically we’re not supposed to tell anyone about this yet But Wait You still collect comics, right?

Ben: You make me sound like a teenage boy. I collect graphic novels, yes. Why?

Rey: You say potayto, I say potahto ANYWAY I know you’re not 100% happy with the customized box

Ben: They’re your picks for me, of course I’m happy with them.

Rey: Ben

Ben: I am! I’m just not happy with the fact that I barely get any time to read. And when I do get an hour to myself, my brain is too tired for anything intellectual.

Rey: You cutthroat lawyers and your ridiculous endless work Back to my point

Ben: You have one?

Rey: Very funny, Solo Okay so next month we’re announcing a special new box Limited time only And we’re only opening it up to 200 subscribers

Ben: Sounds like a big deal. What do we get, hand-bound manuscripts?

Rey: Even better Two trades and a hardcover, no extra charge

Ben: You’re kidding me.

Rey: Nope Completely serious You in?

Ben: Hey, Rey? No offence but that’s the stupidest question you’ve ever asked me.

Rey: Whatever, nerd I’ll sign you up

Ben: You’re my favorite person right now, thank you.

Rey: Careful, Solo Keep saying nice shit and I might actually start to like you

Ben: And we wouldn’t want that, of course.

Rey: Of course

OCTOBER

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: custservice@resistancebooks.com Subject: Congratulations!

Hi there, Ben!

Your assigned customer service representative recently entered you for a chance to win one of our 200 limited-time-only comic box subscriptions.

We’re very pleased to let you know that you made the cut! As of next month, you’ll start receiving two trade paperbacks and a hardcover volume each month for the remaining duration of your subscription. We also noticed that you have seven months left with us, and as a sign of our appreciation we’d like to offer you the chance to add on another five months at the standard rate of $29.99 per month in order to receive a full year’s worth of comic boxes. If you’re interested, please contact your assigned customer service representative by the 31st of this month.

Congratulations again, and we hope you enjoy your boxes!

Best regards, Paige Tico, Head of customer service, Resistance Books.

.

Rey: Did you get the email???

Ben: Just read it. Can’t wait for the first box. Thanks, Rey. By the way, sign me up for the extension thing.

Rey: Can you believe how far we’ve come? It feels like just yesterday that you were trying to cancel your subscription at every turn

Ben: For what it’s worth, I’m glad I didn’t. So fucking glad. I wouldn’t have gotten to know you otherwise.

Rey: Stop, you’ll make me cry Ben? I’m happy we’re friends too

NOVEMBER

Rey: Is it there yet?

Ben: Rey. It’s been two hours. I haven’t even left the office yet.

Rey: Okay, NOW is it there yet?

Ben: Still at work. You’re the one who shipped it, can’t you track the package or something?

Rey: I could But I think I prefer it this way

Ben: Of course you do. You’re lucky I have no other friends.

Rey: As if you’d stop talking to me even if you had a hundred other friends I’m your favorite

Ben: Says who? Maybe Poe’s my favorite. I’ve known him since childhood, after all.

Rey: Poe is a prankster and you fucking hate him

Ben: I wouldn’t say hate.

Rey: Ben He stole your credit card and signed you up for a year’s worth of YA books

Ben: And if he hadn’t done that, you and I would never have met.

Rey: We haven’t Met, I mean Shit I don’t even know what you look like BRB, I’m gonna go stalk you on social

Ben: Honestly, I just assumed you already did.

Rey: Wow, I’m offended HOLY HELL, BEN

Ben: So you’ve found me. If this is about the ears no, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on there either. No one in my family does.

Rey: What ears? Your ears are FINE, silly I was talking about your hair Christ, do you shampoo with unicorn blood or something???

Ben: That would be very soulless lawyer of me, wouldn’t it?

Rey: Shut up, you’re not soulless Funless, maybe, but I’d like to think I’m helping with that

Ben: You are. In the interest of fairness, I’m going to stalk you too.

Rey: Not much to see, but go right ahead Ben? Wow did I scare you off already? And here I thought that was a decent picture

Ben: Shit, sorry. Got pulled into a meeting. It’s a great picture.

Rey: You don’t have to say that

Ben: Well, it is and I mean it. And… I hope this isn’t creepy but I love your smile.

Rey: Not creepy at all By the way I like your eyes

DECEMBER

To: ben_solo@gmail.com From: a_holdo@resistancebooks.com Subject: Come celebrate the holidays with us!

Hi, Ben!

Did you know that before Resistance Books went online and became the #1 book delivery service in the country, we were a tiny little indie store known as Gatalenta?

This holiday season, we’re returning to our roots – and we’d love for you to join us! Resistance Books will be participating in the annual Coruscant Christmas Market with our very own pop-up store from the 15th of December onwards!

This is a great time for you to come on by and check out the full range of our diverse offerings. And if something catches your eye, you’ll be able to bring it home with you for the same incredibly reasonable rate you know and love – pick any three books from our store for just $29.99!

We hope to see you there!

Warmest wishes, Amilyn Holdo, Founder and president, Resistance Books.

.

Rey: Hey, did you get the email about the pop-up store?

Ben: Yeah, I was just about to text you. I just realized your boss is a friend of my mom’s. Anyway, this is probably extremely unlikely but Will you be there?

Rey: Seriously?? That’s so weird And yes, actually I’ll be helping out 21st-25th, 11AM-8PM

Ben: You’re working on Christmas?

Rey: You know me Not like I’ve got anything else to do

Ben: Okay, feel free to say no but… What if I go on Christmas? We’d get to discuss books in person And maybe after your shift we could hang out? I haven’t been to the CCM in years, but Maz’s Cantina used to make the best hot chocolates.

Rey: Books, hot chocolate, and finally getting to meet my mysterious Internet stranger? Ben Solo, you’ve got yourself a date

Ben: Great! I mean Cool. I can’t wait. See you then.

Rey: See you!

Ben: Hey, so I just woke up and you’re not here Which is fine, it’s your choice to make And last night can be whatever you want it to be But… Rey, I know what I want it to be I know we moved fast, but yesterday meant a lot to me You mean a lot to me I just… I just want to make sure you know that before you make a decision And the decision’s yours to make, completely I’ll go along with whatever you want As long as we’re at least still friends Because I don’t think I could bear to lose you entirely, Rey Fuck, I don’t think I could bear to lose you at all Shit, sorry, that’s too much I’ll stop now Just… text me back, please?

Rey: Babe I’m in the kitchen Hurry up, breakfast is getting cold And Ben? You mean a lot to me too ❤

This is a little over two thousand words and stopped being about tsundoko about halfway through (if it even was in the first place), but it was such a fun idea to play with and I hope the format doesn’t get in the way of the story. I thought emails and texts would help me keep things short, but obviously that didn’t pan out.

Anyway, thanks for reading as always and I hope you liked it. Please don’t hesitate to like/reblog/comment!

[laniakeabooks]

January Wrap Up

I read 11 books in January which is a personal record. I’ve included the synopsis pulled directly from Goodreads and my (short) thoughts on the book. If you’d like a longer review of any of the books I read this month, feel free to request it!

The Innocence Treatment by Ari Goelman - ⭐⭐⭐

Lauren has a disorder that makes her believe everything her friends tell her--and she believes everyone is her friend. Her innocence puts her at constant risk, so when she gets the opportunity to have an operation to correct her condition, she seizes it. But after the surgery, Lauren is changed. Is she a paranoid lunatic with violent tendencies? Or a clear-eyed observer of the world who does what needs to be done?

Told in journal entries and therapy session transcripts, The Innocence Treatment is a collection of Lauren's papers, annotated by her sister long after the events of the novel. A compelling YA debut thriller that is part speculative fiction and part shocking tell-all of genetic engineering and government secrets, Lauren's story is ultimately an electrifying, propulsive, and spine-tingling read.

 Nothing I found particularly impressive… it had potential but didn’t quite meet it.

 The Memory Book by Lara Avery - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Sammie was always a girl with a plan: graduate at the top of her class and get out of her small town as soon as humanly possible. Nothing will stand in her way--not even a rare genetic disorder the doctors say will slowly start to steal her memories and then her health. What she needs is a new plan.

So the Memory Book is born: Sammie's notes to her future self, a document of moments great and small. It's where she'll record every perfect detail of her first date with longtime crush, Stuart--a brilliant young writer who is home for the summer. And where she'll admit how much she's missed her childhood best friend, Cooper, and even take some of the blame for the fight that ended their friendship.

Through a mix of heartfelt journal entries, mementos, and guest posts from friends and family, readers will fall in love with Sammie, a brave and remarkable girl who learns to live and love life fully, even though it's not the life she planned.

 I am shocked. I never expected to like a contemporary this much... especially "sick-lit" or whatever people are calling it. Maybe it was because I found a lot of what Sammie said to be so relatable, or maybe because NPC is exactly the type of disease I'd like to research in my future. Maybe it's because one of my greatest fears is getting dementia and losing my memory.

Whatever it was, I hope I can find it again in another book.

 Vox by Christina Dalcher - ⭐⭐

 Set in an America where half the population has been silenced, VOX is the harrowing, unforgettable story of what one woman will do to protect herself and her daughter.

On the day the government decrees that women are no longer allowed more than 100 words daily, Dr. Jean McClellan is in denial—this can't happen here. Not in America. Not to her.

This is just the beginning.

Soon women can no longer hold jobs. Girls are no longer taught to read or write. Females no longer have a voice. Before, the average person spoke sixteen thousand words a day, but now women only have one hundred to make themselves heard.

But this is not the end.

For herself, her daughter, and every woman silenced, Jean will reclaim her voice

 Uh, yeah, not impressed. Disappointed. Annoyed. It felt like Dalcher was trying too hard and was clearly ridding on the coattails of The Handmaid’s Tale’s recent re-emergence.

Also, the narrator on the audiobook and pronounce Wernicke’s area which just grated on my nerves and honestly pissed me off.

 First We Were IV by Alexandra Sirowy - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 It started for pranks, fun, and forever memories.

A secret society – for the four of us.

The rules: Never lie. Never tell. Love each other.

We made the pledge and danced under the blood moon on the meteorite in the orchard. In the spot we found the dead girl five years earlier. And discovered the ancient drawings way before that.

Nothing could break the four of us apart – I thought.

But then, others wanted in. Our seaside town had secrets. History.

We wanted revenge.

We broke the rules. We lied. We told. We loved each other too much, not enough, and in ways we weren’t supposed to.

Our invention ratcheted out of control.

What started as a secret society, ended as justice. Revenge. Death. Rebellion.

 Wooooowwwww... I am starting off this year with some pretty good reads. Granted, I read probably 3/4 of this one in emerge on my birthday after having twisted my knee skiing the day before...

This book didn't take the path I thought it would. It just felt like the climax and conclusion occurred in the same paragraph? I don't know maybe that's just me...

I'd love to see this as a TV show (maybe Netflix since they tend to do a rocking job).

 Day 21 by Cass Morgan - ⭐⭐⭐

 It's been 21 days since the hundred landed on Earth. They're the only humans to set foot on the planet in centuries...or so they thought. Facing an unknown enemy, Wells attempts to keep the group together. Clarke strikes out for Mount Weather, in search of other Colonists, while Bellamy is determined to rescue his sister, no matter the cost. And back on the ship, Glass faces an unthinkable choice between the love of her life and life itself.

In this pulse-pounding sequel to Kass Morgan's The 100, secrets are revealed, beliefs are challenged, and relationships are tested. And the hundred will struggle to survive the only way they can -- together.

 I still much prefer the Netflix adaptation. Although I enjoy this recovering from an apocalyptic event storyline the books take, I find that they lack the action that I love so much in the show… not to mention that my favourite characters don’t exist.

 52 Reasons to Hate My Father by Jessica Brody - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Lexington Larrabee has never to work a day in her life. After all, she’s the heiress to the multi-billion-dollar Larrabee Media empire. And heiresses are not supposed to work. But then again, they’re not supposed to crash brand new Mercedes convertibles into convenience stores on Sunset Blvd either.

Which is why, on Lexi’s eighteen birthday, her ever-absent, tycoon father decides to take a more proactive approach to her wayward life. Every week for the next year, she will have to take on a different low-wage job if she ever wants to receive her beloved trust fund. But if there’s anything worse than working as a maid, a dishwasher, and a fast-food restaurant employee, it’s dealing with Luke, the arrogant, albeit moderately attractive, college intern her father has assigned to keep tabs on her.

In a hilarious “comedy of heiress” about family, forgiveness, good intentions, and best of all, second chances, Lexi learns that love can be unconditional, money can be immaterial, and, regardless of age, everyone needs a little saving. And although she might have 52 reasons to hate her father, she only needs one reason to love him.

 Be prepared for a spoiled, bratty, unlikable main character. If you can’t stand characters like this, then I suggest avoiding this read, especially since we are trapped in her head (1st person narration) for the duration of the book. However, Lexi does have a great character arc, so if you are able to tolerate her for the first half of the book, you’ll actually start to like her.

Another contemporary I really enjoyed… not sure if this is because I’m not as picky when it comes to my favourite and least favourite genres anymore, but then again it my just be that I stumbled across two contemporaries that suited my fancy this month.

 The Loneliest Girl in the Universe by Lauren James - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Romy Silvers is the only surviving crew-member of a spaceship travelling to a new planet, on a mission to establish a second home for humanity amongst the stars. Alone in space, she is the loneliest girl in the universe until she hears about a new ship which has launched from Earth – with a single passenger on board. A boy called J.

Their only communication with each other is via email – and due to the distance between them, their messages take months to transmit across space. And yet Romy finds herself falling in love.

But what does Romy really know about J? And what do the mysterious messages which have started arriving from Earth really mean?

Sometimes, there’s something worse than being alone . . .

 Okay. First of all, the UK paperback cover is gorgeous. This would have one hundred percent been a cover buy if the synopsis hadn’t also intrigued me.

I went in thinking that it would be a space-based romance, but boy was I wrong. And good thing too. I’m not a huge fan of romance (more like I tolerate it for a good plot), and this book did not focus of the blooming romance as much as I thought it would.

Space, suspense, beautiful cover? Sign me up!

 Crash by Lisa McMann - ⭐⭐⭐

 Jules lives with her family above their restaurant, which means she smells like pizza most of the time and drives their double-meatball-shaped food truck to school. It’s not a recipe for popularity, but she can handle that.

What she can’t handle is the recurring vision that haunts her. Over and over, Jules sees a careening truck hit a building and explode...and nine body bags in the snow.

The vision is everywhere—on billboards, television screens, windows—and she’s the only one who sees it. And the more she sees it, the more she sees. The vision is giving her clues, and soon Jules knows what she has to do. Because now she can see the face in one of the body bags, and it’s someone she knows. Someone she has been in love with for as long as she can remember.

In this riveting start to a gripping trilogy from New York Times bestselling author Lisa McMann, Jules has to act—and act fast—to keep her vision from becoming reality.

 Not bad but not amazing either. It’s your typical psychic teen struggling with her newly found gifts and trying to prevent a tragedy. I’ll continue on with the trilogy since I have the bind up, they’re quick reads, and they’re a good distraction from my stressful studies… so basically just what I need.

 Bang by Lisa McMann - ⭐⭐⭐

 Jules should be happy. She saved a lot of people’s lives and she’s finally with Sawyer, pretty much the guy of her dreams. But the nightmare’s not over, because she somehow managed to pass the psycho vision stuff to Sawyer. Excellent.

Feeling responsible for what he’s going through and knowing that people’s lives are at stake, Jules is determined to help him figure it all out. But Sawyer’s vision is so awful he can barely describe it, much less make sense of it. All he can tell her is there’s a gun, and eleven ear-splitting shots. Bang.

Jules and Sawyer have to work out the details fast, because the visions are getting worse and that means only one thing: time is running out. But every clue they see takes them down the wrong path. If they can’t prevent the vision from happening, lives will be lost. And they may be among the casualties…

 This second book in the Visions series took an interesting turn on the whole psychic thing, but a lot of the book was spent going back and forth between “No I don’t want to do this” to “Yes I’m in” and “No I don’t want to help” to, again… “Yes I’m in” which was kind of a drag.

 Number of Pages Read: 3438

Average Rating: 3.5

Favourite Book of the Month: The Loneliest Girl in the Universe by Lauren James

The cover, the space adventure, the thriller-type aspect to the plot… everything I love all in one.

Least Favourite Book of the Month: Vox by Christina Dalcher

I was just… really disappointed.

  Keep up with me on Goodreads!  (https://www.goodreads.com/LaniakeaBooks)

[bbhyuckie]

jaehyun x reader

librarian! au

genre: fluff

words: 1.7k

warnings: realistic portrayals of college life lol

ive said before that im being self indulgent with posts

but this is really it

im really out here writing this

lets get into this mess

so youre studying right

and you yourself do not have a laptop of your own

bc welcome to being a broke college kid im calling myself out

so you decide that youre gonna go to the library on campus bc sis,, cash in on the tuition money ok

so you go and youre like wow hahahaha i dont have a library card better sign up for one

so you go to the desk and theres no one there

just your luck really

you decide to wander around a little to see if theres anyone who can help you

and low and behold you stumble across someone

this young man knelt down by a shelf with a book rack next to him just humming softly and organizing books

and you catch his attention by clearing your throat slightly

he looks up and his eyes are big over the rims of his wire framed glasses that are clinging to the tip of his round button nose

and his hair is a little mussed from being bent down

but holy hell

youve read enough novels to know that this must be exactly what the characters are talking about when they say things like ‘love at first sight’

“sorry” he says as he standcs and brushes himself off “can i help you with anything?”

starstruck really

you manage to stutter out something about needing to register for a library card and he smiles so kindly it makes u want to melt

“sure!’ he says, motioning for you to follow him back up to the desk

is this what a trance feels like???

he asks you a few basic questions, like your name, your age, and what building your dorm is in so he can put it all on your new nifty library card

and then he turns around this lil webcam on top of his computer and asks you to stand in front of it and smile

and you do, awkwardly

and as hes looking down at the computer counting “3, 2, 1” he has this smile on his face like hes trying to hide it

and if that didnt make ur heart jump you dont know what ever would holy

so he prints off your card as youre still trying to recover from being in the presence of an angel

and he hands it to you and smiles

“library hours are 8 am to 12 am every day, but on the weekends i’m the one that closes. which means if you ever need some extra time to finish that essay you pushed off,,, i wont tell anyone”

aND HE W I NK S

and not lot a hot wink

but a cute?? wink??? if thats possible

like you have a secret with him now and its safe

you wonder absently as you stare down at the black and white picture of yourself on the back of your new card if he tells everyone about him closing on the weekends

and if he doesnt does that make you special???/

you smile and thank him again, maybe a little more confidently than before and head for the door

you realise as youre halfway out that you came here to study on the computers but you really need some time to sit down and process the fact that you just say an actual angel

you can do your math homework on your phone for one more night if it means you can turn down your body heat from screaming blushing mess to slightly embarrassed rosy cheeks

the next time you get a chance to run by the library on campus, it just so happens to be sunday

you catch yourself wondering if dream boy meant friday and saturday or saturday and sunday when he said weekends

thats not important right now

what is important is that you have actual business to do in the library today

and that business is to pick up hamlet for your english class

you check in and someone else is at the front desk

you try not to let yourself feel disappointed

i mean you met him once for christs sake

the guy at the front is equally as attractive as dream boy from the previous week, but a little more relaxed to talk to since he isnt giving you any flirty subtones

the kid is all business really

he tells you that his name is doyoung if you need anything else

you ask how he got the job there, out of curiousity

because really, both of the librarians youve encountered seem pretty young for the standard librarian stereotype

doyoung explains that its a work-study job, so nearly all the people that work there are students at the university and work in between classes or on their off days to make some extra cash or pay off some tuition

and you can get behind that!!

so doyoung is cool and you decide you can go to him to ask questions instead

because while dream boy is a dream boy with pretty cheekbones and nice lips and a smooth voice and a good sense of style and a great height without insoles and looks great with glasses and has the most captivating eyes

hes a lil distracting lol

anyway you find yourself in the shakespearean section

and you grab a hamlet off the shelf and head back up to the front to have doyoung check the book out to you

and as hes handing you the book back you get a classroom notification saying that, despite common belief, the book rental wasnt due by tomorrow, but the whole book reading is due by tomorrow

you wonder how the fuck professors get away with shit like this and then you remember that you didnt bother to read the syllabus so you cant really get too mad at anyone but yourself

so you find a table that looks like it has the comfiest chairs and cozy up for a long evening of reading and annotating

(depending on who you are you either love or hate hamlet, either way it is exhausting to annotate anything from that man so bear with me ok)

five hours later and ⅔ of the annotations later it is 11:56pm

and you havent noticed

you hadnt noticed much of anything happening in the real world after you popped in a headphone and started reading about guards seeing a ghost

that is until someone plops down in the seat in front of you and asks

“so what are you studying”

and you look up, a little delayed because youre finishing a notation

only to find that its dream boy

and your brain blanks for a sec bc wow every time you see him its kinda like?? ouch???? my heart bro

so you just kind of shake your head and mutter some “im not really sure anymore”

and theres some truth to that!! first there were ghosts and now theres dead girlfriends dads and dead girlfriends and talking about a skull in a graveyard

that play is really a wild ride brother

and dream boy sits there and laughs, wholesomely

you could die happy

“yeah i get that” he says, rubbing the back of his neck

theres a pause that carries on a bit too long

“wanna hear a dumb joke?” he asks suddenly

you smile then, partially out of exhaustion and partially because wow?? cutie

“sure” you say

“okay. what do you call a nervous javelin thrower?”

you pause for a sec bc wtf

“dunno. what do you call them?”

he flashes this cute fucking grin that you know is supposed to be slick but just comes off as wholesome and says

“shakespeare”

and you shouldve seen that coming wow

and its so dumb that you actually??? giggle????? and that turns into a laugh??

youre probably just exhausted from annotations but maybe that was actually funny

and his smile softens like hes made progress on something

“y/n, right? i dont think i ever actually introduced myself. i’m jaehyun”

he smiles and reaches across the tabe and you take his hand

its warm and strong and you try not to think about it too hard

“well, y/n, library loses here in another two minutes or so.”

he sees the look on your face fall

“but never fear!” he leans forward and lowers his voice

you hold your breath

“i told ya you could stay, didnt i?”

his smile is closed lipped and cute and genuine

before you can say anything hes up and ushering the last few people out of the library, telling them good night and good luck with their classes tomorrow

youre kind of caught in a brain dead daze after finally being pulled from your studying to watching this cute librarian named jaehyun bustle around and lock doors and turn off lights

and when he finally gets back to you he clicks on the lamp on the table youre working at and sets a cup of coffee in front of you

he mustve made it as you were falling asleep with your eyes open

you thank him copiously before asking

“i thought you let everyone stay after hours when you closed”

he looks up over the rim of his mug with a surprised look in his eyes

he shakes his head as swallows the clearly too hot coffee

“not at all. most of the time i kick them out and study by myself.”

he blushes like its a confession and it makes you feel,,,, something

but you dont want to press

so you just reach out and offer your other headphone to him because if you dont know what to say then you can both enjoy some good study music

so he pulls out his homework for the night and the two of you sit there and study

you sip off your coffee occasionally and both of you nod your heads to the music playing in your ears

he hums along to the ones he knows and a thought skips across your mind

you could get used to this

(theres a 100000% chance there will be a part two to this)

[whittynovels]

restore me predictions 2

*"It made me wish I’d had a sister. Or a mother. Someone to learn from and lean on. A woman to teach me how to be brave in this body, among these men" -Juliette gets friends!!!!! -I want juliette to get a makeover and people who give her boy advice and talk with her about girl stuff and ugh girls -She was never this way with the twins it always felt so awkward *Will Kenji get a love interest? -“he tries” -kenji totes flirts with international people -is the ex-girlfriend his????? -tahereh said kenji doesn’t get anyone in this book but thats ok we'll have a slow burn over a 3 book arc it's what he deserves -T said it’s someone we don’t already know which is fair bc everyone we already know he said is too much like a sister to him so it would be weird *Juliette’s favorite color is black? Sounds fake but ok *JAMES AND WARNER JAMES AND WARNER JAMES AND WA -“were you CRYING?” ummmm just fucking punch me in the lung next time -honestly is every character in this book just gonna witness a warner breakdown why we gotta do him so dirty like that -james is gonna be so mad when they find out they’re brothers because in unravel me he gets pissed about not being told stuff/getting left out -I don’t think it’ll happen this soon *WARNER’S EMO POWERS IN HIS POV -THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE THING I’M EXCITED FOR AND SHE HASN’T SHOWN IT YET IN THE SAMPLER SO I WAS WORRIED BUT YIPPEE I CANT WAIT TO GET CUTE WARNETTE SCENES WHERE WARNER IS AWARE OF JULIETTE'S FEELINGS AND ASKS HER ABOUT IT AND WANTS TO VALIDATE THAT SHE FEELS OKAY ASFUGHJKL;; *JULIETTE DRINKING ADFSGUHDIJ’K -I always wanted to write this but idk -Juliette is happy drunk / warner is emo drunk -Warner super concerned taking care of her *More people with powers? [we been knew reaction pic] -I honestly couldn’t guess any of the powers without just reciting powers from twilight or something lol *Kenji calling warner a dick and warner wanting to punch him -ME -Tahereh is teasing so much kenji & warner dialogue that it makes me wonder about them. Why are they together so much. Why does warner trust kenji. What. Help. Slow down *THE KIND OF MUSIC WARNER LISTENS TO -Either smooth jazz or beyonce, there’s no in between *What warner did to be leader of sector 45 -Pressure waves dude??? -No other predictions. no clue. help. *A cliffhanger?? -I honestly can’t tell you what state my anxiety will be in if there’s a cliffhanger -I think it’ll mirror other books where there’s certainly stuff unsolved but it’s not like someone dies then it’s like “aight, see ya next year” *She keeps hinting about deaths but tbh I don’t think anything will happen until book 6 -She did this with ignite me thinking big deaths would happen but it was nothing -I think she teases to create angst and fear but we’ll be fine -I trust her (t don’t let me down) *Another chapter 55 (◕‿◕✿) *lgbt characters !!!!!!!!! kenji, Brendan, Winston, whatever mans kenji gets *nO ADAM AND KENJI BRO MOMENTS HAHAHAHA -Kenji roasts adam at every opportunity *wARNER SPEAKING SEVERAL LANGUAGES UUGHGHHHHH WHAT A MAN!!!!!! WHAT A MAN, MY DUDES!!!!!!!!!!!! -Seven languages? Oh my lORDDT -I’m not even gonna predict what they are but hooooleeeee mollleeeeeey -We get to see him speak “a couple” ugghhhh I can’t wait to see juliette hear him break into Arabic or something and she’s just like !!!!!!!!!!!! *When asked about juliette and adam’s friendship growing, tahereh said “he’s a part of the story and there’s more left to come” and im just like noooooooo -At the same time, juliette is so forgiving I don’t doubt they’ll finally talk *PPL ROAST ME ABOUT AN ADAM REDEMPTION ARC BUT JUST THINK ABOUT WARNER AND ADAM’S FRIENDSHIP AND ADAM BEING SOMEONE WHO CAN SAVE THEM ALL IF HE PROJECTS HIS POWER AND DISABLES OTHERS’. I’M JUST SAYIN G *WARNER NAKED CRYING ON THE GROUND -WARNER HAS ANXIETY??? PLS LET WARNER HAVE ANXIETY I WANT ANXIETY REP -But at the same time I don’t because #tooreal -I feel like she posted this quote so out of context and it could be nothing but I leapt to the worst conclusions -Why isn’t juliette there? Did they have a fight? Did something happen to her? Did he read his dad’s journals? -DOES KENJI SEE HIS SCARS? -Is warner completely naked?? I’m so confused. I’M SO CONFUSED *Kenji calling warner cute constantly mY HEArt *WHY IS JULIETTE’S POV SPOILERY -Is she kidnapped??? Is she miserable??? Is a character with mind control powers harming her??? Is she separated from warner? Like WHAT??? It’s so spoilery that she can’t even find one quote to give us? *THE VALENTINES DAY SNIPPET -JULIETTE’S CONFIDENCE -THE TOWEL -WARNER’S POV SEXYTIMES -FWUJAOIFPKOIOBLHEIJKMF -SLIHBFLABKVLEAJFGFYOUDLHIJF -I was legit sobbing I was so happy for the first warnette kiss in 4 years -(lowkey wish there was more dialogue and description but that feels almost gluttonous at this point because we are so fortunate for having it at all) *Tahereh said she “likes” the ending of restore me -I don’t think we’ll have a cliffhanger, like I said. -She said “I don’t think it’s sad” so I hope it’s empowering like previous books -T said juliette is her favorite, ever, by the end of RM, so I think she’s fine and she doesn’t die clearly lol *AN EX-GIRLFRIEND COMES INTO PLAY -WHOSE??? WHAT IS THE TRUTH?????? -WHO IS GONNA CLAIM THIS WOMAN -Warner? Is it one of the overseas people? MY MANS IS A HOE!!!!! He out here saying “I didn’t have friends” but he actually meant “I had friends with benefits” -Kenji? Adam? Castle? I literally wish it were anyone else lol I’m solid on my theory of juliette being warner’s first everything but the internet and the author say otherwise *It’s confirmed that juliette MEETS her parents!!!!!! Oufhaouhilvgudyahisjkop;pzfx;ia I’MS O  EXCITED SHE’S GONNA ROAST THEM I’M REA DY FOR HER TO ROOOAST THEM!! -Also warner said in unravel me he wants to kill whoever made her miserable as a kid so I want warner to threaten them or pull a gun or something and im just ready for there to be tea -The biggest question I have—more than what warner did to be leader of sector 45—is what her parents are like. Not even just physically and with their personalities. I’m so split on wondering if they’re sorry or if they still hate her. Are they happy without her? Do they regret it? Will they accept her as she is now? Will they learn to trust her? *New novellas??!!?!! -I was shocked we didn’t get one before this book. -Whose POV? We get a kenji short story so maybe from him. Since we get warner POV in the book, it’s not as important anymore as a separate novella. So it’s gotta be kenji, adam, castle, Anderson, someone, idk. james? new characters? -Maybe it’ll have bonus content from previous books in the trilogy (LS PS LP PL SP L S PL SPL S PLS PLS PL SPL S PLS PL S PLS) *The bird symbolism comes back I’m emo -Juliette flying (ie. Airplanes, she becomes the bird herself? Idk) -I always thought it was so weird that the “the bird I imagined is the bird on adam’s chest” conflict/coincidence was just randomly dropped. -Does juliette become adam’s bird? -DOES MY GIRL FINALLY GET TO SEE A BIRD???? AHHHHHHH --i used to want ignite me to end with her seeing a bird so maybe i can finally have my dream come true and one of these books has her seeing a bird in it *Juliette’s powers are still growing -Unless it has to do with killing people and not physically moving stuff like castle then idk. I’m conflicted about this one. *More about warner’s mom, it’s ok I’m just gonna cry over here *Warner’s virginity better not be a hot topic in this book because I am tired and I’m so happy not knowing -Same how I feel with sex scenes like ty for having them but I don’t need to be ~too~ well-acquainted with their anatomy, ya know? pls no sarah j maas porn in these woods, thank you *Juliette and warner get to travel!!!!!!! -Now that warner knows how to drive a helicopter I just imagine them being like “hey Barbie wanna go for a ride” “sure ken” “hop in” then I don’t wanna live forever starts playing because wasn’t there a helicopter scene in fifty shades *Warner and his 5 o’clock shadow sounds fake bc in unravel me when he was being held captive there was no beard [angery frog meme] -Why my mans so stressed he aint shavin????????? He needs a hug and 3 advil *SHE EITHER GETS A HAIRCUT OR A TATTOO IN THIS BOOK -I’m 50/50. On one hand, she mentioned in ignite me that she needs a haircut, but I really really reall yreally hate haircuts in books so I’m salty -Also Ive always wished she’d get a tattoo bc it’s so empowering and she has a lot of mantras she lives by and warner is such a cheerleader for them and he would love it too *WARNER IS LITERALLY THE EMBODIMENT OF CAR RADIO ABOUT OUTRUNNING SILENCE OAUHOSJIKO;DI;FSLDGYHIJ MY MANS IS EMO AND I LOVE AND SUPPORT HIM UNCONDITIONALLY -I’m concerned that he and juliette aren’t together more in this book. She’s in a meeting he’s not invited to??? Aaron warner? More like aaron burr, not being in the room where it happened

[amaloaf]

All of them

3 Fears3 things I love2 turns on2 turns offMy best friendSexual orientationHow tall am IWhat do I miss right nowFavourite colorDo I have a crush ^ already answered these

Favourite place

my room of the senior lounge in my school

What am I listening to right now

a davenchurch playlist (current song: Something I Need- One Republic) 

Shoe size

9-10 womens

Eye color

brown and gold

Hair color

ALSO brownish-gold

Meaning behind my URL

haha Fenton called me a walking paradox as a joke and it stuck!

Favourite song

literally dont have one but im currently loving “Waving Through a Window” from the dear evan hanson soundtrack

Favourite band

either panic! at the disco or fall out boy

How I feel right now

absolutely awful but you sending this completely boosted my mood!! 

Someone I love

oh sweet jesus, Fenton and Ellie and Pear and Cade and Vinny and Dylan and Sydney and Daffy and Simon and Nico and Jayme and Kiwi and Arily and this is going overboard but i cannot hold all my love in

My current relationship status

painfully single and desperately needing to get laid

My relationship with my parents

no

Favourite season

fall

Tattoos and piercing i have

none, unfortunately 

Tattoos and piercing i want

a septum piercing, 1mm gauges, a second piercing, an outer ear ring, sleeve tats of intertwining roses and dandelions, magnus’ railsplitter somewhere (im still deciding on where..) 

The reasons I joined Tumblr

all my middle school friends had it

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not anymore

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i kissed my dad before 

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

cosmetically? five minutes max

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

unfortunately i did yesterday  

Where am I right now?

at my desk, sitting on pile of laundry im neglecting 

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

i like it quiet

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

both, but unhappily 

Am I excited for anything?

death, also graduation i guess

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

my friends Cade and Dylan are good buddies 

How often do I wear a fake smile?

….. next question

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

the mcelroys, specifically travis 

What do I think about most?

not to be dark but death 

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

neither, but behind if i have to be

What was the last lie I told?

“no mom i totally bought this”

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont do either v much but i really like vids when i can get them

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes (i saw three ghosts in my life)

Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah

Do I believe in luck?

mostly

What’s the weather like right now?

clear night skies with a slight fall nip in the air

What was the last book I’ve read?

animal farm by george orwell 

Do I have any nicknames?

M.K., M, Loaf

Do I spend money or save it?

both? 

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope!

Favourite animal?

hgnnnnn cant choose, maybe sharks?

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping 

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Hips Dont Lie! 

What is my favorite word?

bludgeoning because im a nerd 

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

CUT THE CRAP AND LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE GOD DAMN IT

Do I have any relatives in jail?

i deadass dont talk to my family but im p sure one of my cousins was arrested last week 

What is my current desktop picture?

that picture of the sloth photoshopped on a dolphin with the P!NK lyrics

Had sex?

B)

Bought condoms?

no

Gotten pregnant?

oh god no

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no but my first kiss with a boy i got sprayed on at a waterpark 

Had job?

im a partime paralegal 

Smoked weed?

yep

Smoked cigarettes?

for a long ass time in middle school (if im bein real honest im going to pic it back up again probably)

Drank alcohol?

ya

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

definetly not

Been overweight?

currently am

Been underweight?

when i was born

Gotten my heart broken?

plenty of times

Been to prom?

yes

Been in airplane?

oh yeah, i love flying

Learned another language?

took spanish for 10+ years and dont know a damned word of it 

Wore make up?

ye

Dyed my hair?

no but i really want to 

Had a surgery?

yes! some work on my ear after i fucked it up as a baby

Met someone famous?

a band called After Romeo 

Stalked someone on a social network?

i tend to go through social media when i find new accounts i like but its never stalkerish 

Been fishing?

got the license and everything

Been rejected by a crush?

yea, ive only ever had one crush where it panned out 

What do I want for birthday?

a binder 

Do I like my handwriting?

no

Where do I want to live when older?

idk, im praying i dont end up back in vegas

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

got caught reading awful porn once does that count

What I’m really bad at

ohh im really holding back on saying “everything” but if i had to choose wind instruments 

What my greatest achievments are

my art, my relationships, my baby handling skills

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

ill give you the second worse: “ well at least being a fattass made you bouncy”

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy a house, get a super crazy nice computer, give some money to the friends listed up earlier on the list and draw for all eternity 

What do I like about myself

my eyes and my good heart and my ability to fake good things

My closest Tumblr friend

oh definitely Fenton or @whyldkratts

Any question you’d like?

feel free to send in your own question! 

Are you outgoing or shy?

yes

What kind of people are you attracted to?

soft bellies, thick legs and hips, nice pecs, soft long hair, nice lips

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

idk maybe? i hope so, yall can feel free to make the first move ;3

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no, i actually like it! 

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my buddy Cade

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

ok

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Something I Need, Michel in the Bathroom, For Forever, Waving Through a Window, and Freeze Your Brain 

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

oh yes!! please play with my hair!!! ((and playing with OTHER peoples hair??? oh boy howdy dont even get me started!!!!))

Do you think there is life on other planets?

hell yes! 

Do you like bubble baths?

sure, no real pref either way

Do you like your neighbors?

NOPE

Where would you like to travel?

yes!

Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleep

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

*sweats* yes?? (probably my boobs and stomach, also my arms)

What do you do when you wake up?

stare at the ceiling and mentally prepare myself for the day

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker, it lost a lot of melinin when i hit puberty for some reason??

Do you ever want to get married?

yes! even if its just a platonic life partner marriage! 

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

Would you rather live without TV or music?

telivision my man

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep! one time it went to shit the other time it went fairly ok

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

target and hot topic

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

normally yes but you gotta kno when to get the hell away from certain folks

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

OH yeaaah

Ever wished you were someone else?

every god damned day

Favourite makeup brand?

cheap 

Last thing you ate?

mashed potatoes

Ever won a competition? For what?

won a college science fair in middle school once 

Ever been in love?

im always in love

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter always (pst mines @emiglody95

Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr 

Are you watching tv right now?

no

What colour are your towels?

beige and brown 

Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookie dough or coffee 

First person you talked to today?

my mother or Ellie i can remember 

Last person you talked to today?

Pear or my day, again i cant remember 

Name a person you hate?

Prestly, Kevin, Zoe, Mike

Name a person you love?

hmm ive already listed a lot of people already so lets go with: Wilson

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

remember Kevin from two asks ago? 

Do you tan a lot?

im outside a lot but my tan is mostly natural 

Have any pets?

my dog, Gus! 

Do you type fast?

yes actually!! 

Do you regret anything from your past?

im not lookin to type a paragraph so lets go with yes

Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah,, 

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

every day

Is cheating ever okay?

no, but if your partner got seriously fucked up and it was a total accident and you trust them then MAYBE you can reconsider not throwing their asses out

Do you believe in true love?

to an extent 

What your zodiac sign?

leo! 

Do you believe in ghosts?

id better ive seen three of ‘em

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“ Its fine”, she said primly as she turned back to the trays of jewelry. 

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 4]

I’m on a roll.

There’s more rape in this one; it’s not really described in detail, though. There are also references to what occurred in the last chapter, and an instance of mostly consensual sexual activity (although it stops short of actual sex).

Recap: Last chapter, Tiaa’s foster parents Dave and Marie left on a trip, leaving her in the care of “Uncle Larry” (Dave’s brother), who promptly began beating and raping Tiaa. After one such incident, she ran off into the woods and encountered a strange man who claimed to be her father before blacking out.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that!

I never got the whole “don’t like, don’t read” thing. How can you know if you like it if you haven’t read it?

btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1

Having bad things happen to your character doesn’t make her less of a Mary Sue. Loads of Sues have tragic backstories. Look at Batman.

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy.

That’s actually pretty in-character for the guy, if I remember the Twilight Saga correctly. He’s nice, but not very interesting. I think Bella even made the puppy comparison at one point.

My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

So uh… what happened after she blacked out in the woods? Was her dad gone when she woke up? Did Uncle Larry do anything else to her after she returned home? Did she return home?

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

You know her name! You’ve called her by name before!

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

Think this is the author calling out her flamers or what?

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed.

Man, I love this fic. “RAT HOOKER” is a great insult.

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

I don’t remember Jessica that well from the books, but I think she was described as short and a chatterbox. I don't think she was a cheerleader or had a particular fondness for pink. Also she was dating Mike at one point after Bella set them up with each other.

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

Wait, so are they sluts because they wear revealing clothes or because of their behavior? Because right here it seems like Mike is criticizing them based on how they dress, which is a bit weird when we remember Tiaa also wears revealing clothing (“fishnet top” ring a bell?).

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I don’t remember a damn thing about Lauren or Angela but I remember they both existed. One of them was definitely shy but I don’t remember which.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

Remember in chapter 1 when Tiaa talked about how she used to be self-conscious about her appearance but got over it and now doesn’t care what people say about her?

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

If you don’t have that MCR song playing in your head right now I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

Oh, of course, the Sue’s backup choir.

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

I like the idea that Tiaa could be multiple friends.

Judging from the names, these three are children of that white mom whose baby name photo went viral on the internet. The one who named her kid Lakynn or something.

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities “

“That’s why we made sure to talk about how pretty we think you are.”

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool.

How long was that again?

I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech.

Glad we skipped the scene where Tiaa has fun with her friends so that we can get back to the part where Uncle Larry assaults her again. Nice to see the author prioritizing.

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

Phrasing seems to imply that if he raped her in a different location it would be alright.

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

I hope “soddenly” is an intentional double entendre.

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Who could this be?

Edward.

Never would have guessed!

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

Wait, every gay at school? Including the gay boys? This girl is powerful.

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"

Uh… the fic would go in a direction I don’t expect it to and it might be redeemed somewhat by at least being less predictable?

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

Use of OMG may seem anachronistic, but that abbreviation has actually been in use since the early 1900s, so it’s totally reasonable that Edward might use it. Although probably not out loud.

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind.

I think he’s sending mixed signals.

I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him.

So deafly?

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear.

Again, I hope that’s innuendo, but in this fic it’s actually possible the author thinks “suddenly” is spelled like that.

I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

Nothing turns a guy on like naked heaving beasts!

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

No one in this fic has any self-control whatsoever, huh?

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no!

Okay, I guess Edward has a tiny bit of self-control. Which is good, as he is a vampire and would probably be eating people left and right if he was totally unable to control himself.

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside.

Bread, eggs, milk, squick. Uncle Larry seems more interested in hitting Tiaa than raping her, incidentally.

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

Aw.

Next chapter

[thetruejesterofgenocide]

i dont know what to call this honestly “am i sleep deprived or just feeling deprived without her ?”

THIS IS ALOT OF READING WARNING NOW )welllll here i am its 1:00 in the morning about and im just sorta sitting here thinking ya know ? like about life and like what i wanna do with my life and im left with a question. why in gods green earth do my thoughts still fall to you hmm ? cause honestly i dont know you've moved on to somebody new and so have i yet im coming to realize im the only one who isnt happy in this situation i dont love her hell i barely like her haha .. you see up until this point ive just been doing what everyone has been telling me” too do get over you , be happy , find someone else “ haha little does everyone else know im a fucking mess you know though dont u ? i bet you know alot more then u let on haha you have always been able to read me like a book honestly u might not even read this now that i think about it cause god only knows the last time you checked my tumblr but fuck it im gonna write it anyway like i was saying ive just been doing what people tell me to do and well im fucking sick of it but it doesnt seem like i can do anything about it so ive just been biding my time and thinking playing my mask as well as i can to everyone else ya know ? cant have people realizing im a manic depressive freak ( amongst other things ) haha this is probably the last time i might ever mention this topic cause like i told u i would and well i sound pretty damn psychotic now that im sitting here reading this so if anything it prob is just gonna scare u so im sorry but let me stop rambling and just get back on topic and type what i was gonna type if the person who this was intended for gets this far then well thanks and this is what i actually wanted to say

 “ honestly i dont know what to do anymore i miss u so fucking much its honestly wild but i cant tell u that now can i ? your happy with him he makes you smile i dont know how deeply that thrives in you but it seems special to you so ive been accepting of it cause you may be my ex but you where my best friend first so my first thought has been to make sure your happy haha and ik you want me to be happy to and well im trying hah it isnt working but i am trying for you ya dork haha but well ya let me get on with what im saying is i felt like i was loosing my mind before i met u i had no drive to do anything at all till you came along and when u did god damn did u hit me like a fucking mac truck beautiful funny relaxing charming ( yes girls can be charming ) smart trust me i could go on for hours but to put in simply you where well like me in a way u understood me and i understood u in a sense but in a more proper sense i didnt understand a damn thing about u and maybe thats what brought me to u you where a fantastic puzzle of a person this shell of faked joy and excitement to cover up a more delicate inside that had been hurt one too many times  and i could tell u just wanted a friend someone that wouldnt leave no matter what which from what i had gathered in a short time had been promised to you and broken way too much so i told my self “ john your gonna be her friend no matter what the cost “ and years went by of me helping u and you helping me and sure we had our rough spots im not gonna lie but we got threw it together and in that time well i grew to well i guess youd call it love you and in that moment i relized that ive been going threw this relationship thinking you needed me that u depended on me which may be true im still not sure but well im trying to say i needed you and need you maybe even more then u do me haha youve done more for me then i think u could ever happen to understand 

and well ya lets flash forward to about a year and ahalf ago when i felt like the luckiest guy in the entire world thanks to u haha cause i finally gained the confidence to ask the girl i had been crushing over out and surprisingly you said yes ! then proceeded the most interesting 10 months of my life haha also probably some of the happiest cause whether you believe it or not you where the damn best girlfriend i ever did have haha and then well we broke up and well im not gonna lie even though it was for good reasons i sorta felt something inside me creak and snap a very serious internal conflict if u will . cause on one hand u wanted to better your self which im perfectly okay with but on the other hand well we broke up haha and i had no idea how to handle that like at all so l sorta lost it for a bit there alot of anxeity and panick attacks and nights alone crying but then things started looking up honestly it seemed like we might get back together and i was honestly excited shit haha we basically did for a little while and well during the brief time of your little fling i guess youd call it you showed me another part of my self a more confident part of my self that well genuinely ment to protect you but well dominate u at the same time which was a very interesting feeling to have this innocent person give her self to me and to be responsible for her happiness and health and well being and during that time to me you where everything i never knew i needed or wanted i wouldn't trade that experience for the world i swear on that much cause we might be separate but your still my angel and u always will be i promise did u know i refuse to call “her “ angel ? well ya i wont do it its the one name i wont use cause well its yours haha the single name u liked me calling you besides your own name and u best believe i abused the shit out of it  but anyway back on track then that ended you and him got together .. which well it hurt alot like a fuck ton i didn't really know how to react so i just tried to revert back to my original function be happy cause your happy and well it just isnt working anymore so i dont know im just sorta trying anything at this point cause ik you dont like seeing me upset especially when it has something to do with you 

   so i got a girl friend and i fucking hate it so much haha and if you think this is some thing im trying to to take u from him or something isnt haha you know i wont interfere with your relationship well guess what all of this brings me to what i was actually thinking about

 am i stupid or in love or maybe just stupidly in love 

? is there a future for us ? cause you only ever tell me maybe haha ?

 is .. is he better then me ? 

 im sorry for hurting u

 . im sorry for not always being there im sorry for well alot of things 

 But im thankful for you , for how much you have been there , for putting up with my shit , for being open with me for being my friend for being an amazing girl friend for caring and so so much more yes believe it or not this is a note of me trying to thank u cause i dont think ive really ever shown just how much i appreciate you dork 

 you dont have to answer these questions and well im damn surprised if you've read this far down aha to those who have read this that is wasn't meant for this far down sorry aha it was just one of those nights where i needed to vent and this is one place where i can actually do that without my family freaking out on me  thanks y'all im gonna go do something else for the rest of the morning

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #5: "his Kirby ass can shut the hell up” - Marie

Charlie being safe!? Yas. Good for me since he is part of my alliance.

An alice them challenge. Uh yass!! 🦑 i have the book so i can quickly look thru it and find people, items, food, and other stuff which is good for us. I dont want to go to tribal.

nicolegilmoreToday at 7:42 PM That was probably Kaleigh bc I would open messages and not answer them

that was about when we played before and she was part of a 3 person catfish. but funny enough it still applies to this game!!! love when she leaves me on read for 20 hours

So I feel good with my standing in this tribe tbh. I feel like I have made meaningful contributions to the tribe in challenges and have a good rapport with a few tribe members. Keaton and Marie might be the easiest too get out, even though I am aware that it makes me a threat but we been used to that feeling. Having the idol as extra security as well makes me feel good so eeeek. I just want too survive to merge and link up with new people and people who i know as well, and play off that. im super nervous but also excited, i just hope to god we win this immunity

At first I thought this Alice and wonderland challenge was going to be super fun an exciting. At first it was. Now its getting a little frustrating and annoying seeing Not Found (something along those lines). I'm hoping that our 28 items is higher than the other tribe's or at least being a tie. I want to avoid tribal still because still feeling sketch about this tribe.

Our search isnt doing too well. And nicole went missing and dont know she is. We have 28 items. Hopefully thats enough but i have a feeling in my stomach that it isnt and im scared. Dont want to go to tribal. Hope we win though. 🤞

if kirby does not tell me his great great great great grandmas waffle recipe hes done for. like why bring it up if ur not gonna share. ??? um we won immunity again and im so happy bc i dont want to go to tribal bc even tho there are MULTIPLE ppl i want out i dont want to risk it. stan list right now is dennis, naptime, matt, marie. everyone else? and matt and marie barely on there too... but um actually starting to like them and theyre more responsive now so love that! by the end of this game ill actually know things about alice in wonderland wooh!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay so this sucks. We all really tried hard and we only lost by 2 points which is so frustrating. Not to mention that Nick and Charlie couldn't even find anything at all. And now we're in a really shitty spot because sending Nick home would be an easy out but he possibly has this legacy advantage thing which he can use tonight and if that means he's safe than idk what to do because I have a strong alliance with the other 4 people on my tribe. Which means now we have to come up with a plan to make sure Nick feels safe and he doesn't use his advantage but we still put the majority of votes on him. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay I'm laying it on thick with Nick. Really trying to play the middle and see where his head is at. I think honestly chances are Nick will make it through this round but I want to make sure after the vote he still trusts me but he does use his Legacy Advantage. Brian and I are walking a very thin line.

Yas. We won immunity again! 🦑 Still on of the 3 people not go to tribal yet which is pretty awesome. I’m now hoping that Charlie, Sharky, and Brian can find a way to survive again. Don’t want to lose any of them. Hopefully we merge soon. Its going to be down to 12 people after tomorrow’s tribal. Only ones to really talk to me on this tribe is Dennis, Bryce, Keaton and sometimes Matt. Havent talked to much to Marie. And Nicole ive tried but ignored. If anything it would be cool to blindside Nicole at first tribal in the merge.

I think im going to talk game to keaton today and see if we could work together. And im also going to see what Bryce thinks about us working together as well. Im just nervous if tonight we do merge at tribal, i dont want to be first boot. I want to make it far in this game.

I don't know if my last confessional went through, so I'll just send another one in hehe...

I do feel like Charlie is going home this round because of his idol play last round, but it could also be Nick going or him using his Legacy Advantage and all that being gone.  I don't really know, but I want to make sure it ain't me and that's what's important.

As for other things... love Sharky, what a king.  Love Nathan, another king... Annabelle's really cool, ya... I love Charlie but he's still probably gonna die... and ya kjHDA... that's all I have to say...

Scared for merge because L O fucking L... that's going to be a mess.  It could be coming tonight, but I really do not know and I'm scared…

Keaton decides to call me inactive in the tribe chat but his Kirby ass can shut the hell up, he's just bitter I voted against him the first tribal and he's tryna put the target on my ass. Thank god we won the challenge because I don't know if I would've stayed. I have good relationships with Bryce Matt and Dennis but I don't know if that's enough to keep me.

So first off. Sorry for no video confessional. But not enough happened to bramble around and take 3 hours of my internet for uploading slow AF but here is a small summary of what happened to my game. Idolsearch: went to the tugley woods again. I guess you need a map to find your way through it, but what do i know D: Last tc: Charlie played his idol and mentioned publically that all of his old tribe knew about that idol anyways. What kind of made me a bit suspicious. Mainly because when he told me, he said that he really wants to work with me and thats why he is telling me this secret. I don't mind that the idol is gone, but if he told that everyone? mhm... I approached maynor to see if he knew and he said NO. so maybe I did a whoopsie? WHO KNOWS.

Eitherway. Anna announced a "live challenge" after this tribal (oh yeah we are safe again woo), but since we would be down to 12 I wouldn't be surprised if that "live challenge" is actually the merge announcement? If not. I think EVEN IF WE LOSE i should be in a decent position? Because Keaton couldn't keep his mouth shut and when it came to sitting someone out and called out Marie in the tribe chat. Bad move for him, good for me. Because even if we go to tribal unless someone really wants to target me for some reason it should be between those 2

Okay so we've come up with a slightly complicated plan. Looks like I'm going to lose Charlie this round which makes me kind of sad because I really get on well with him. But it's what i have to do to get further in the game. We're going to split the vote so The Dinah Dudes vote fro Nick. The OG Absolem people vote Charlie. Anna tells Nick he needs to use his Legacy Advantage so we get rid of that from the game. I just hope I come out of this without hurting Charlie or pissing off Nick.

AJ just used an emoji that CHANGED. MY. LIFE. It's like praying and trying to stay calm and then fire happens and it says BOI! And if that isn't a fucking mood idk what is!

Y'all I am so bad at this idol hunt. I keep choosing locations that don't even have choices. Yikes. Everybody else has advantages and shit and I'm just sitting in an empty meadow.

I’m sad we lost i actually tried for this because I didn’t want a complicated tribal but bleh Idk how this will work but I think it will work out for the best potentially if it goes the way I’m hoping. I loved this comp though the hosts did a great job with it. It was actually fun

With merge approaching I think that it’s important I remember I really don’t owe anything to the people on my tribe... they voted out Jayden and told me nothing and I think it’s time for some revenge.. all you people in the viewing lounge stay tuned... Ima show you why I’ve never not made a merge!

I’m not sure if it’s day 13, I’ve been safe every single round and I have absolutely no clue how I am doing that.....Dennis is my one and only ally. Hopefully it's merge time!

Honestly, I think I might be going home lol. Brian and Sharky are telling me Nick but no one else has messaged me. Severely regretting using my idol now lol.

Hope my bois have still got my back, even though I haven't been that helpful in challenges recently. I'm hoping it'll reduce my threat level for merge hehe

Ive been talking to Bryce and wants to work with me. This is great. So on this tribe i have Dennis and Bryce and perhaps even keaton. So just nervous for live challenge.

LAST MINUTE SCRAMBLING. Sounds like Nick is trying to flip the vote on Brian. he asked Nathan and Anna to flip off of Charlie. So Now Brian is worried (Which is totally fair) because he doesn't know if he can trust Anna. So even if Nathan/Brian/I stick to the plan, if she flips and Nick uses his advantage Brian goes home. So now he wants to flip his vote so worst case scenario it goes 2-2-2 and we can fix things on the revote. Ugh I hate scrambling. I prefer my tribals over easy.

Charlie is voted out 3-2.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird! 

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough  or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try. 

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability. 

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby. 

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit  so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys. 

[songfromthesiren-blog]

new year, who dis?

Okay so its the new year. 2018. How the hell are ya? Nice to meet ya. etc etc. So in good ol’ new year fashion I’ve spent some time thinking about those pesky little resolutions that we all *try* to set and then let fall to the way side by say... oh.. jan 13th. My oh so lovely and wise wife has a slightly different approach by calling them reso-goals instead of resolutions. Honestly I’m not terribly sure what she gets out of that. Technically they are the same thing but maybe it really falls to the mindset. Currently I’m more on the mindset of not setting goals, well not exactly, but more so implementing systems. 

Allow me to explain. It all came from an article that found its way in my inbox at work today. A very appropriate thing for a boss to send his employees on a monday. especially when that monday is the first day of the month. Even more especially considering this particular first day of the month monday is the first day of the year. Anyway the article was more or less discussing how setting goals can lead to unnecessary stress and a feeling of “I’m just not good enough” until said goal is achieved. And its a temporary state. You set a goal, you work hard and stress out while trying to achieve goal, you achieve goal (yay) aaaand then what? Theres a period of void- of nothing- of slacking off- or whatever until another goal is set and then the cycle starts all over again. Honestly it stresses me out just thinking of it. The author of this article suggests that if instead of setting goals you developed a system and just committed to that system then you will in turn be just as successful if not more so in the long run. Their best example was reflecting on their own work for the year. They published 115,000 words worth of articles in the year. Averaging that a typical book sits around 50k-60k words they roughly wrote two books in the year. Now had they said “I’m going to write two books this year” it would have added a very concrete and stressful checkpoint. Where as they set a system to write an article every monday and thursday and stuck to that system. In the long run it was a lot easier and they accomplished the would be goal plus. Anyway that is a very lengthy side note to just say that I really feel like my life needs some systems to actually stick. 

I’m already implementing a new system with work to hopefully make my time spent more worth while. This was well in the motion before this article became a thing. I just don’t do well with an 8 hour day in front of a computer. I don’t get shit done- not like I would like. Its not productive to my end goal really. So splitting my admin time over the course of two days bookending my week makes a lot more sense. We will see how it goes in practice but today went well. I accomplished all I set out to accomplish, spent the last 4 hours of my shift on the floor, and then went home when the schedule said go home. Which is a nice change of pace. 

Out side of work theres a lot of little things I want to... change... refine... I don’t know i guess implement is the best word but I was aiming to use a different word haha. 

first of all I want to write more. I honestly miss my days of creative writing. Spitting slam poems over pancakes and making up stories. Those were some really great days and I just don’t do that anymore. Not from not wanting to- the real world is just different from college. I’m exhausted after work and I find the easy way out of vegging in front of mindless tv or scrolling between the same 2 apps on my phone. No real mental stimulation going on- and while i’m more emotionally fulfilled and prolly won’t produce angst ridden slam poems so much, i can still write and let my inner monologue have legs. Use this blog more for the reasons I started it in the first place. Write short stories, or catalog my day, write letters to mom, or really whatever. As long as i write. So the idea is to take some time every day to do that. What I need to do is make it uninterrupted time. While writing this post i’ve recorded a cat video, sent it to four people, started a conversation with one of those people, and carried a conversation with a 5 person. See theres a lot. and it draws my focus away. So i really have no clue how long i’ve been writing and whether or not my train of thought has been so derailed that maybe this is something different than it originally set out to be. If that makes a lick of sense. all and all, i’ll get better at it. Thats the thing with systems- you put *something* in place and see if it sticks and review/adjust to make it something that will work in the long run. This is a big one for me and lucky enough my beloved has the same reso-goal so maybe we can be accountability buddies in that. 

The other really big focus is very adult. I hate it. But the reality of my life right now is I don’t want to live in this state for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live in the way that I’m living financially for the rest of my life. and in order to change those things I HAVE TO stick with a financial plan that pays off debt, keeps it off, and eventually saves money. HA what is this 1987? Right. Whatever- it is possible- we just have to stop wanting french fries and ice cream so damn much. I’m so fucking good at writing a budget. I’m so fucking terrible at sticking to it. Ive read the Dave Ramsey approach, I have a best friend that swears by it, I’ve heard all the success stories, now is the time to make it work. This is the year. The only way its going to work is to stop trying to create shortcuts for myself, follow the actual plan, and stick to our budget. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to this. If i had the spare money maybe I would hire a financial adviser. maybe I’ll con someone to do that for me. 

Honestly if I can make these two simple (yet maybe not so simple) things happen then I really think i’ll have a certain level of peace that is missing in my life. I think I’ll be able to see some real success come out of life and I’ll get where I want to be. Age 30 is just around the river bend and I’d really like to be in a certain place by that point. I think I can make that happen.