#read: just before the visit we walked for 35 min on a trail where he saw one (1) deer two (2) weeks ago

[hazard-and-friends]

today's rehab vet visit diagnosed him with a sore hamstring brought on by imaginary deer

[livingouttheworsttimeline]

Why am I so tired all the time?

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up after wetting the bed. change child, change bedsheets, replace drinks, turn night time music back on, convince youngest child that it is in fact still night time. Climb back into bed a 4:55.

5:00 am: eldest child comes to tell me that youngest child wants to play. I am aware, because I have heard her loudly declaring such since I left their room. Tell oldest child to go back to bed. Pray that, somehow, for the very first time, they will put themselves back to sleep. 

5:05 am: give up on hopeless prayers. Get up and take both children to the living room. Change the youngest into underwear. Log into tablets and override the “do not turn on until 6 am” setting. Wait for coffee to finish brewing.

5:23 am: extract self from underneath 2 children and a dog to pour first cup of coffee. It’s half caff, because spouse has a heart condition. Remind self that I can have several cups with impunity.

5:45 am: Eldest child is unhappy with the pre-made breakfast provided for him the night before. When asked what he would like to eat, he responds, “bacon, chinese food, or pizza.” Explain, again, that we need a variety of foods for our bodies to grow strong. Spend 15 minutes convincing him to eat $5 worth of blackberries as a compromise.

6:12 am: Finish 2nd cup of coffee, realize that eldest child’s night time pull up is overflowing with poop. Usher him to the bathroom for a bath. Feel humbled when I realize that I spent 10 years in grad school, and yet I am still reduced to wiping shit off another person. Calmly remind eldest child that he is capable of using the potty, and that I have confidence in him. 

6:30 am: Spouse awakes, complains that he slept poorly. Roll eyes and go back to drinking 3rd cup of coffee, in between being elbowed in the stomach and explaining that no, I do not know how to work the video game you just downloaded 15 seconds ago. Remind self that I am their physical and mental safe place, which is worth the literal bruises and mental stress. 

6:45 am: extract self from pile of children and dog by physically lifting each dependent off my lap. Verify that spouse is up for supervision duties, collect running clothes, and start treadmill.

6:47 am: stop treadmill because youngest child has entered the room and decided that I will not run today because it’s not fair. Remind self that arguing fairness with a 3 year old is the definition of futility. Gently remind her that I love her, she is a big girl, and she can play independently while I run. 

6:49 am: start treadmill again. Nagging calf pain seems to be back. Scale back workout, remind self that value of the run is not the distance. Do extra core workout to compensate.

7:30 am: shower. Mediate 2 sibling fights from shower. Fortunately, children are camped out in the bathroom with me, so I don’t have to leave a trail of water through the house to interact.

7:35 am: Marvel at the thought that spouse takes a 45 min shower. EVERY DAY. Note gratitude that I am working from home, and no longer have to style hair and makeup. 

7:36 am: Refill kid drink cups for the 3rd time today. Spend 30 minutes convincing, cajoling, and bribing kids to put on clean underwear. We no longer try for clothes. 

8:06 am: turn on work computer. Respond to a weekend full of emails. Handle 5 pressing tasks for side hustle, reasoning that if I get them out of the way, I can push the rest of that to do list to after working hours.

8:45 am: Answer persistent pounding on locked office door. refill drinks and provide snack. Reassure youngest child that mommy is still here, but she needs to work. 

9:03 am: debate whether going to the bathroom is worth leaving the office and the begging that ensues. Make wrong choice either way. 

9:15 am: morning meetings get shuffled later, because childless coworkers “are running late this morning.” Marvel at the concept of 9:15 am being early.

9:30 am: solid wall of meetings until noon. Update team on status at end of last week, despite not remembering what you just ate for breakfast. Realize that you haven’t eaten breakfast. Run training and introduction for new team member. You are the only woman on the team,  so you get do the training because “you’re so good at explaining things.” 

12:00 pm: Call youngest child’s preschool, make sure you can bring by her supplies and still adhere to Covid protocols. Preschool is also side hustle, so cram a parent and employee meeting into a single hour. Explain that new registration system will, in fact, be more efficient than old paper system. Remind preschool staff that we committed to going paperless. Make small talk with preschool teachers until the hour is up. Hop in the car and speed home.

1:00 pm: children adhere to my side the second I walk in the door. Spouse is in the shower. Children have eaten approximately 3 bites of their pb&j sandwiches, and demand different lunch. Remember that you have not eaten lunch yet. Refill drinks for 4th time, provide reasonable lunch alternatives. 

1:25 pm: Remember that you scheduled a meeting for 1:30, and. you need to be present. Calculate that extraction from children is not possible in 5 minutes, and take meeting with youngest child on lap. Despite having weaned 1.5 years ago, youngest child decides that you’re still nursing, and pulls down top on video call. Spend most of call switching on and off mute. Catch every 3rd word. 

1:45 pm: apologize to team, promise to reschedule a follow up with more focus. Hang up, extract youngest child’s arm from shirt. Refill drinks for the 5th time. Bribe children to get in bed for a nap with the promise of a visit to nana and pop this afternoon. 

1:48 pm: children’s beds have been stripped, due to accidents last night, but spouse “doesn’t know where the clean sheets are”, and so hasn’t remade beds. Children petition to nap on the floor. Explain floor is not comfortable. Find clean sheets, make 2 beds, take everyone to the potty, tuck both children in. 

2:20 pm: Realize that you have 40 minutes of actual work time left today, outside of meetings. Try to prioritize, with the knowledge that whatever you get done will not be enough. Deny request for drink refill.

3:00 pm: kick off afternoon meeting block. Try frantically to make the 40 minutes that you did get to work sound like a whole lot more. Wake children up during bathroom break so that they’ll be able to sleep tonight. Refill drinks for 5th time. 

3:45 pm: Curse the fact that youngest child has inherited your distaste for waking up. Gently coax her awake in between meetings.

4:00 pm: Wrap up last task from meetings, make list of all new tasks. Realize that today you have checked off one task, and received 7 new ones. Promise self that you’ll get your work laptop back out after the kids are in bed. Ignore the sense of despair that threatens to overtake you.

4:20 pm: Bribe children into putting on clothes with promise of fruit snacks at grandparent’s house. Feel mildly guilty as you put on your second round of workout gear. Load children in double jogging stroller, jog to grandparent’s house. 

5:00 pm: collect children to head home for dinner. 

5:10 pm: threaten no more fruit snacks if children don’t put on their shoes. Grandparents go get them more fruit snacks. 

5:23 pm: explain that the sun is going down in 24 minutes, and that we have to leave now to get home before it gets dark. Remember that time is immaterial. Wish for that blissful sense of ignorance.

5:37 pm: push 100 lbs of toddler and stroller up giant, hilly driveway. Spouse greets us with “what’s for dinner?” Politely remind him that he promised to plan and make dinner while we were gone. Grit teeth at his “I didn’t know what to make” response. Quickly run through available, easy, acceptable options and make dinner.

6:15 pm: serve dinner. Eat own dinner in 2.5 minutes, then spend rest of meal refilling drinks and plates, heating up or cooling down, and cajoling children to eat anything at all.

6:45 pm: Announce that tonight we don’t need to take a bath. Youngest child immediately melts down, because she wanted to take a bath. Eldest child melts down because, even thought he didn’t want to take a bath, he wanted to taunt his sister while she was in the bath. 

6:53 pm: Loose temper for 1st time today, scream that children need to brush their teeth. Step away to calm down. Spouse gets upset because “You can’t handle the children without yelling.” Bite tongue all the way through to avoid snarky reply.

7:10 pm: read 2 story books. Read one more. Explain again, that mommy cannot read anymore, and daddy will come read for a little while. Extract self from pile of children, and tuck both in. Hugs, kisses, and fist bumps. Twice. Then once more, after you’ve left the room.

7:15 pm: contemplate second shower. Decide that you didn’t really get that sweaty on the walk, and it’s not like you’re going out. Collapse on sofa with phone and mindless tv.

7:25 pm: spouse comes into the living room after harrowing duty of reading for 10 minutes. Hand over the remote, pull out side hustle lap top and finalize tasks for the day.

8:30 pm: remember that you promised to do main job work. Bring out that laptop to run some code while you continue side hustle work.

9:15 pm: Finish side hustle work, give up on main job work for the evening. Mentally apologize to team for not making more progress, promise to self that you’ll be more focused tomorrow.

9:30 pm: tell spouse that you need to go to bed. Endure his eye roll and disappointed face. Apologize for needing to go to sleep so early, and reassure him that you’re doing the best you can.

10:15 pm: eldest child has night terror. Comfort eldest child until he’s calm. Comfort youngest child, who is upset at brother’s screams. Realize that spouse is still watching tv in the living room while you comfort children. 

11:00 pm: listen to youngest child cry for 10 minutes until spouse begrudgingly tends to her. Remind self that it is not solely my job to comfort our children. Try to go back to sleep. 

3 am: eldest child wakes up with question about mushrooms that is vitally important. Answer to best of middle-of-the-night ability, acknowledge that you appreciate his curiosity, but that there are times when questions are not appropriate. Get him back to sleep.

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up.

[spainmozsombi]

Early dayz

So. First of all I just want to make it clear that I don’t think I’ll write something every day, more like every two days or even less often, cause if I force myself to do it it’s just gonna be much worse than how it is now (I don’t take any responsibility for the quality by the way..).

Yesterday the first half of the day was spent with sleeping and just getting mentally used to the thought of being here, and I also assembled my bike as it is actually one of the main reasons why I came here in the first place. Let’s say it went smoothly, I don’t wanna bore anybody with the technical details. I saw an event on facebook called “viewpoint tour” that was organized by the local Erasmus people thought it might be a good idea to go and socialize a bit cause if I don’t do it now, at beginning, it’s gonna much harder later. I forced myself to go there, and I don’t regret it. I left the flat a bit earlier than I was supposed to, to have a walk around on my own first, to get the vibe of the city and all. Narrow streets, old white buildings, stairs, and a wide range of mixture of people from all around the world. I already saw a spanish wedding as I wanted to visit a church I stumbled into. I arrived to the meeting point a bit early, there were only about 4-5 people there. I don’t know who’s reading this thing, but you might know I’m pretty antisocial/socially awkward when it comes to making any kind of contact with strangers, so all I was able to squeeze out was a ‘hello’, but as it turned out it was enough, some people just started talking with me after that. During the tour I met some belgian, romanian, german people. I thought I was the weird one for taking my bike here to ride. I was so wrong. A german dude named Oliver rode all the way here from Southern Germany...How crazy is that? It took him 8 days of riding, about 230-250km a day. I feel a bit more normal after this. As it turned out he’s also gonna study political science, so we might stumble into each other again. (We already did). The tour itself was also very cool, lot of people showed up,around 50-60, maybe more. They took us to two different viewpoint where we could see different parts of the city. I already saw some nice mountain bike trails so I couldn’t wait for today to get out. Had icecream 2 ...”balls”(?) for 3 eur..have to get used to the western eu prices i think...Was good at least. Had some nice talk with this Oliver dude, we were both like, yeah this view is nice and all, but everything’s better when you see it while sitting on your bike so can we go home already?!...Basically that’s all that happened yesterday. (Still need some time to get used to writing these posts, I hope it’ll get better.)

Second day turned out a bit more eventful. Woke up around 9:30 already felt that yeeeah today is the day to get out for the first ride on the bike. Before that I had to go grocery shopping, thank God there’s a Lidl nearby. Done with that, slowly got ready, took my time, spanish people don’t hurry anywhere so why should I? I knew that I wanna visit the places where we went yesterday with the tour but they l led us through some narrow streets with stairs and I didn’t really want to carry my bike up there so I used google maps’ bike route planner. That thing doesn’t exactly work as it supposed to, it also took me up on waaay to many stairs, so tomorrow I’m definitely going on a different route. After about a 30-35 min ride I reached the first viewpoint from yesterday’s tour, still looked cool, did not disappoint. There’s a lot of interesting things in/about this city but for me one of the most important one is that it lays 600 m above sea level, which means a peak with 1000 m is totally reachable, and I can still catch my breath after getting to the top of it. So I decided to pedal to the top of the first one that was closest to the viewpoint. Vegetation is all typical mediterranian, saw a nice lizard already ( in case you don’t know I’m also a huge animal freak). I’m too lazy to translate the name of the trees and all so just look it up if you’re interested. On the way to the top I already saw some riders going down but I just wasn’t quick enough to figure out maybe I should join them, therefore on the way down I was all alone, had to go back a few times, choose different trails-routes, as some were very steep, rocky, barely walkable. All in all today’s ride turned out to be more of a ‘looking around’ kind of ride, rather than an actual going downhill as fast as possible. It was nice anyway, found some nice trails more fore walking, rather than riding, I’ll post a few pictures of it if I don’t forget it. For the evening a beer was planned with Oliver. We met on the same square (Plaza Nueva) where the meeting point was yesterday. We were just started looking for a place where they serve beer and tapas (local speciality that they give you tapas [bread with some topping?, olives, differs at every place] if you order a beer), and we stumbled into some people Oliver knows from the building he lives in so we sat down at a restaurant together. Of course we managed to find the only place where they don’t serve tapas with the beer. I had to drink a beer. On my own. And pay for it. If you know me you also know that this does not happen every day...Beer was drinkable, not good but not terrible. The company was cool at least, a german guy, a german girl, a british guy and a british-nigerian girl. We had some nice talks, they study international relations, political science, civil engineering. After this we went to look for another place where they actually serve tapas with beer but we stumbled into a square with some spanish live music where old people were dancing obliviously(?). We found another place where all six of us were able to sit down with me looking after my bike (worst choice, going out in the evening by bike without a locket..but I just hate walking so much..) We found the second place in town where they don’t serve tapas. It was a churros place..(Spanish sweet thing, fried, gotta dip it into chocolate...something.) Had some nice talks, about brexit, hungarian food, bikes, etc. 

All in all, it was a good evening, even though I also didn’t try to make new connections, it just happened, and without actually putting effort into it I just met some new people. Best thing ever for somebody who’s as antisocial as I am.

Another cool thing came to mind yesterday when I was walking to the meeting point of the viewpoint tour was that I already felt like I’m gonna have to see everything in the next few days cause I’m going home..But then realized. Im not staying for a week (as I usually do if I travel somewhere), I’m gonna be here for 4-5 months (who knows?). Which means, I have all the time in the world, I can just sit around anywhere for hours without worrying about what I haven’t seen yet. Amazing feeling, let me tell you that.

That’s all folks!

[mubal4]

Race Wrap Up – Naked Bavarian 40 Miler

To start, thank you to Stephan Weiss, Race Director, all the folks at uberendurancesports.com, all the volunteers at the race, and to the participants.  You are an amazing group of people.  Each year since I began ultramarathon’s the beginning of my race season keeps getting earlier and earlier. This year’s start was to be the last weekend of March.  However, that is spring break week, and with our upcoming move to Phoenix, the family is using that time to head out there to do some house hunting, have meetings, and visit friends/family.  The race director, Stephan Weiss, was very accommodating in letting me switch my reservation to this past Saturday’s race.  When I did that, I become immediately aware that it was two weeks away.  Not a big deal but a very early start to my season, however, I trusted my training.  I was viewing this race as a test for my body.  For six weeks in November and December I didn’t run because of injuries sustained during my 100-miler in September.  I started training in late December and January/February were very good months to get me back to where I was back in September.  I felt good, healthy, and injury free leading up to last week. 

As I write, I am having many thoughts about the lead in to this race. I mentioned my perspective above, this was simply to see where my body was at and how I might be able to plan my race schedule for this year.  Another caveat, my mother-in-law was visiting to see her granddaughters compete in their gymnastics event on Sunday, the day after the race. What barring does that have? Well, my wife & daughter’s, who typically crew me for these local races were going to have other commitments and I was going to be running it solo. No worries, as my wife said, “it is only 40 miles, you got this.” For those in the Philly area reading this, you know that Friday, day before race day, we got hit with heavy winds, rain, and about 4-5 inches of snow. It took me 2.5 hours to drive home from work (typically 35 mins) Friday night and got home to no power in the house.  Again, no worries, got some take out to fuel up, lite some candles, started a fire, and we all played Monopoly.  Actually, it was a pretty awesome night.  Like everyone out there, we run and run, not usually taking the time to have a night where we just sit, in candle & headlamp light 😊 and play a board game.  It was a night that I will remember.  Around 930pm the power came back on and my thoughts of how I was going to get all my gear together in the morning before I left, in the dark, left my mind.  So, I went to bed with only thoughts of how the course conditions were going to be!!!

Those thoughts were put to rest when I woke up at 4am and read an email from the race director that the course was spared by the storm, no snow, 80% dry with just a few mud patches and down branches.  I packed up my gear, fueled up, kissed my girls, and got a last second pep talk from Robin.  I was ready to toe the line. 

This race consisted of two, 20-mile loops around Blue Marsh lake, near Reading, PA; about an hour drive from our house.  A lollipop trail around the lake with rolling hills and some flats; 90% runnable and 80% or so single-track.  A really nice course that provides a good test.  The first loop went well the first 10 miles.  I felt like I was running my pace, meeting some folks and having conversations with some people along the way.  I hit the 10-mile aid station about 30 minutes faster than what I typically expect.  This was right before about an 800-900-foot vertical incline where you are almost on all fours.  It was a grind and as I reached the top, I felt a twinge in both calves.  My calves were one of the areas that I injured in the fall.  This got into my head the next 10 miles leading into the halfway point.  Around mile 17 I was convinced that I wasn’t going out for the second loop. I was concerned that I was going to hurt my calves more and not be able to race for a while. I thought about not being able to run for another 2 months.  I thought about my first ever DNF and how that would suck.  I thought about having to tell my wife and kids, and my partner in crime in this crazy sport, Bryan, that I didn’t want to finish and all the bullshit excuses that would accompany it.  I didn’t want to go another 20 miles and potentially have it take me the rest of the day. 

Robin had hinted about bringing her mom and my oldest up to check in on me at the halfway point (our youngest was at play practice – likely another blog entry in the coming weeks 😊).  However, I wasn’t counting on it, except as I was coming into the 20-mile check point.  But went I didn’t see them immediately I got more defeated.  I then saw Isabella (daughter), then my mother-in-law, then Robin.  And for about 5 minutes I told her how much I dreaded the thought of going out there again and spent another minute feeling sorry for myself.  Then I took a little walk, breathed deep, downed some coke & pickle juice, changed into dry clothes & made the decision to head back out.  With the help of Robin.  She knows what to say, and MORE importantly, what not to say to me in these moments.  I had set some, what I believe, unrealistic expectations for myself leading up to this race as it relates to time, place, blah blah blah…….OUTCOME.  The last few races last year I was completely focused on gratitude, the moment, & what lead me to this point.  For some reason, the first 20 miles I lost that perspective.  Robin helped me realize that if it took me the rest of the day, that was fine, just keep moving.  Left foot right foot.

I gave my family kisses and left for my second loop thinking about them for about a mile.  The downhill I was on was pounding my quads and my legs were burning.  I thought, “these 20 miles will take me 5 hours to finish!!!”  Then I started talking to myself, rather than listening to my thoughts.  I spoke to me as if I was speaking with someone I was supporting in this race.  “Focus on what is around you, that you are actually capable of being out here, be grateful for the people putting on this race, volunteering, and participating.” I started thanking those volunteers, and talking to those I was running near and with.  I was running and I felt good.  Then I hit mile 10; right before the incline.  Fortunately, I met this great dude from NYC, named Ryan.  He and I talked for about 7 more miles and I didn’t have any trouble up that vert.  We ran, talked about life, his girlfriend, my family, and move to Phoenix.  It changed my whole perspective on the race.  I felt that it was the best 2nd half of a race that I experienced.  I felt fulfilled. 

The feelings I experienced throughout this entire race are typical.  No matter the length really!  You will have high points and low points.  There are no tricks.  Most likely, there will be spots that are not ideal and some that might truly suck.  It is a metaphor for life.  The easy thing for me to do after mile 20 was to pack up my shit, get in the car, and head home.  The hard thing, the really, uncomfortable thing for me to do was to keep running.  I didn’t want to but something, some reason compelled me to give it a shot.  Within 15 minutes of feeling like crap I was running fluidly with a clear mind and gratitude.

Over the weekend I took some time to rest and recover.  Now I am easing back into training, still a bit sore and tight but feel good.  There are no apparent injuries and my body seems to be adapting well.  That gives me confidence in my training to this point and in my healing from the fall.  It is a good thing because in less than 7 weeks Bryan and I have a the 24-hour Palmer Lake Death Race in CO.  This will be our 1st 24-hour ultra that we are both “officially” participating. 

I’ve followed this crazy, nutty, wonderful sport for the last 3 years. I’ve met some amazing people along the way and the culture is so welcoming. Gratitude is something you hear a lot on the trails.  I think that is what attracts me to it so much.  God is giving me the ability to train and participate in this sport.  Many times, the circumstances that we encounter in the sport are not ideal.  There are fears, low points, you will hurt, you will want to quit. But everyone out there is doing it for some specific purpose.  That purpose is what keeps people moving forward.  That mission is what keeps them coming back.  That feeling of fulfillment and joy they know they will find keeps them shuffling!!  Left foot, right foot.  Relentless Forward Progress.

“Hard decisions, easy life. Easy decisions, hard life.” - Jerzy Gregorek