#read me as a woman. anyway it bothered me but i didn't rly want to get into a discussion so i let it be
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#not fandom related#personal log stardate#been talking to family on the weekend and we came to the topic of my transition#specifically changing my gender marker and how other ppl read me#they (my family) said my voice sounds deep like a man's which made me rly happy#i myself think i sound like a trans guy sounds early in transitioning. like. thar specific voice. but apparently to others#it's a man's voice. yeah! :>#then they said i look 'neutral' now (i think they meant androgynous by that) but that others can probably tell i have female parts#that's not the right translation but idk how else to phrase it. im not sure if they meant that others can tell im a trans guy or that others#read me as a woman. anyway it bothered me but i didn't rly want to get into a discussion so i let it be#BUT. they are wrong hehe. for a few weeks ive exclusively been read as a guy by strangers#even when wearing a pink jacket. and even when i hadn't spoken so i also pass w/o ppl hearing my voice#i think my family just can't see that bc they don't have an unbiased view bc they know me and also see me mire often#so they might not have noticed subtle changes that give me a guy vibe now#just like I haven't noticed these subtle changes. every time i pass im like???? but my voice is not that deep?#i don't have an actual proper beard? im wearing pink? im short? my hair is long-ish? and i pass? :o#it's nice bc i waa totally prepared for T not doing much or taking it's time but apparently ive inherited the Genes TM#that make T work well to masculinize me#gonna try to call that surgeon abt top surgery tmr btw. i hope I'll manage 😬#also im so busy w university and it's currently so stressful 🫠
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chatted abt it a bit earlier w/someone and i liked this book i finished the other day enough to toss out another Rec to anyone who wants it........”the luminous dead” an avg-lengthed ~300pg Scifi Suspense/Mystery/Thriller/Horror sort of novel ft. a Cave Exploring(ish) situation and also a gay romance. in fact it basically Completely takes place within that cave situation since it kicks off with the protagonist entering the cave. and if you would be like “hm sounds great” to find out a protagonist is a Not Extremely “”Personable”” Lesbian, good news. i had mentioned how i don’t ever exactly seek out scifi stuff very much but when you set it Underground i’m more into it lol, mostly the scifi here is “yes this is a cave on a not-earth planet” and “people can space travel. but capitalism is here too” and like, is mostly relevant in some of the fucked up cave shit being Extra weird and wild (this is relevant always but not often Directly. it’s not a journey of like, increasingly Bizarre Scifi Stuff down there) and the fact that the protagonist, who is the only person entering the cave on this Dangerous Mysterious Mission, has to constantly wear a high-tech suit which not only provides like, assistance re: the physical demands of moving through the cave, but also is Required b/c around here, for some reasons that aren’t Exactly known to anyone yet, if cavers go down Without their body completely encapsulated at all times, they tend to get killed / disappear, wuh oh. also Uh Oh b/c the protag’s one source of contact with the outside world, the woman monitoring her from the surface, has some remote control over the functions of this suit that the protagonist can’t take off, and if you would believe it, her agenda and the purpose of this caving mission quickly become more mysterious and questionable and the capacity to interfere with the protagonist’s physical functions is more of a problem than ever in proportion to that. and if you’re thinking back to “hang on, gay romance, but that is Not Romantic” like yeah that all of that stuff is def regarded as a negative / a big problem
im not good at a well-formatted anything much less novel rec but yeah it was real Well-Paced where the suspense / tension / Problems never really like, got stale / less effective cuz the situations were evolving / changing and each [problem] like, overlapped with / played into other ones real well i felt lol......and yknow expected Cave Things like “hope i don’t fall” and “hope i don’t experience effects of long-term isolation / lack of stimulation in a dark and quiet and yet hostile environment like hallucinations or paranoia or anything” and “there are going to be some Metaphors in this story”.....if you can believe it, death is relevant, and not just in the [protagonist trying not to die] way, although there sure is That. anyways i found it very Readable and engaging and kept feeling like “oh this rules” at many points and like, for example, there was this one moment really even prior to the most climactic sections of things where i was like wow damn this is striking me as so effectively Ominous even though it was during a period with no immediate threat / dread-inspiring issue, things had just been built up to / set up well enough that i was already like, gripping the figurative armrests over some foreboding sign.......i mean i tend to read things as All at Once as i can but i sure charged thru this in like three days or smthing. so if it sounds Interesting again the title is “the luminous dead”
#pretty solid climax too i felt like even though i think like. when you have a book that's a lot of Suspense Throughout natch the climax like#is probably not going to be the most rewarding part / author might kinda struggle w/ it but. i didnt feel like it was a Letdown in any way#which like can really happen easily lol where like oh this shit is set up really well but when there needs to be an ending it falls apart...#was not underwhelming and really made sure like to be Thematically climactic as well#liked what it was About too like rl engaging ideas happening.....#i had a rare moment of like. detective-ing out sm aspect of things before the protag was aware of it b/c i had like...hypothesized that some#elements in the story were gonna come together in a way that they didn't but which made me rly holding on to max suspicion of the woman at#the controls so like. it was v much a Yes you are meant to be Able to figure it out but damn im a) not always engaged enough to bother to#try and b) also just not good at that stuff anyways so if even I'm reading close enough to go ''oh this is what happened'' b4 i'm Told..cool#and i made a Correct Hypothesis abt something early-ish on and then got adequately distracted to be like ''aaa'' when it was confirmed later#which i feel is a good thing lol......and Sure yes there were moments where it's like ''oh jeez your attempt to Describe the physical#configuration / layout of the surroundings is gonna be lost on me'' but also none of it was a major impediment to my reading experience lol#like if there's some Big Problem like [protag abt to fall] or [protag abt to drown in underwater cave section] i will latch onto That ref pt#(reference point i mean) easily enough so it wasn't much of an issue. And the start of the book contains a Cross Section Map of the whole#cave which is not only v helpful but one of those things that like. Already inspires suspense and foreboding but in a way that isn't like#oh i can Guess what's gonna happen at these various points or w/e......anyways idk book good. if anyone wants a book ref....#rec i mean. i had this one like rec'd indirectly lol. had a good time. tweeted abt how Scifi + Cave works well for me lol#considering i also rly enjoyed where mare internum went....not That into stuff taking place in caves; not That into scifi; yet the Combo....#like this is only Two instances of that v specific subgenre lmao but. two instances i both think worked pretty great and then thought back#on like ''damn that was pretty great''
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