#re: that post about making stable communities to fight an increasing loneliness in an uncaring world as a form of rebellion by the youth

[apollogivesmevisions]

theres this game i played recently -- didnt finish it yet -- called 'Umurangi Generation'. Not to spoil anything but it had a very strong message for me, simply put. amongst other things, it had this weird feeling that I couldn't quite name when I first played it. Recently though, with... many things happening in the world and a few in my personal life as well, I think I got ahold of it a bit better

It feels like there's no real reason to keep going. Why study, or grow, or work for a better life, if I'll end up under tyrannical capitalism, in a corrupt world that's slowly drowning, with death threats for me specifically, as a {insert minority}?

Umurangi Generation isn't depressive, and it has its own message and things to say, so I won't talk in its place because I probably wouldn't be able to put it into words without misunderstanding it. If you have a few hours of free time though, it's free on itch.io i think. It's maori too, and is just. beautiful. you can take pictures of your friends in it

For a while I was in that weird, drowning like feeling, where you feel the air leaving your body, but feel so alien to yourself that there's no more drive to even struggle in the waters. metaphorically

last week though, a friend that I rarely talk to invited me to this music hall thing--never had seen one before, had no idea what to expect. what i discovered was an incredibly powerful, funny, and full of life group of queer artists. i felt a bit ashamed to have even been so depressive, and even worse, pessimistic about myself and the world

there was this actor, who did a monologue. He had a shirt with "PD" written on it (that means something like faggot, in french). he said it was the first time he was turning 31. well, he thought at least. because surely, he must've been 31 before, and even more, but there had been so much people to erase anything that would've kept track of how old he was, it felt like he only started all over again. and he said yeah, it was normal there was more of him, of us, now, because we kept living, and we were going to keep living.

(to be clear--thats a queer metaphor for the numerous times in history where we've been killed, erased, etc)

it kind of stuck with me. my friend told me i was crying when he said those things. i don't remember doing so

Recently it's felt like I can't even sleep enough to rest my eyes and cry

But his words stuck with me, because, yeah. I'm still here, and we're still here, and there's so much that's been lost, but we know what we saved. It's all been burned before and we're still here.

And I don't know. i don't know where I'll be in five years or more, i know I'll still have suicidal thoughts, at least for a while, and I don't know what'll happen with the world, the people that are drowning and those that are being murdered, and the rest of the world that seems so uncaring.

But like, I know there's still people now. There's still people to tell the stories of so many that are dead, and there's still openly queer folk dancing and giving joy to other people in music halls, and there's still things to fight for, and be proud of. because it's not done, it's not finished, and there's still so much to fight for

I don't know

There was also this artist (named THÉA on music platforms, she's great) who sang some stuff which really moved me. one of her songs is named "Ennui" (Boredom) and it says "We don't have any goal, or real place, no big war, or great depression. Our big war is spiritual. Our great depression, it's our lives."

(im pretty sure thats a quote from somewhere else. unsure though)

And yeah, it feels like there's nothing more to believe in. And THÉA isn't a depressive artist to listen to, listen to the lyrics in "Juste Amis" (Just friends)

But there's this weird dread i see in people, i guess born after 2000, and in myself, that engulfs you whole and yet feels so alien. Umurangi Generation talked about it. in its end game credits is written "Dedicated to Umurangi Generation. The last generation that has to see the world die."

Often now, it feels like that. Born too late, in a dying world that can't stop nervously convulsing like a dead fish.

I don't know. If there was nothing else, I wouldn't be here. I know there's still love in this world, and it'll still keep going when I'm gone, and the clouds can make me cry because of how the sun bounces off of them, and I have friends that are lovely, and there's passionate and powerful people who are alive, now, and are doing something, and i collect poetry about lesbians and about the beauty of gendered languages and about queer people in my phone

and yet, I can't finish this on a happy or hopeful note. I don't know how to. I wish I could, but when I try to summon my passion, it's full of rage rather than love. But I want to love this world. I want to believe I can have a life in it. I want to believe I can make a change and help people

i don't know