#re: is this because he ate trash fries again...

[hirudou]

❛   tender .   kiss  my  muse  on  the forehead ( from malleus to wuya ) 😔🎻

        wuya  was  still  having  a  hard  time  believing  any  of  this  was  real.  not  so  long  ago,  wuya  had  been  content  with  simply  pining  away  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  just  happy  to  be  allowed  there,  to  be  considered  important.  to  have  a  flock  where  he  had  previously  had  none.  sure,  he  wanted  this-  really  he  did.  but  that's  just  it,  these  were  dreams.  ideas  he  used  to  occupy  the  extra  time  he  had  in  his  day.  malleus  had  been  a  wonder  since  the  day  they  met.  since  wuya  was  still  a  fledgling,  admiring  every  little  thing  he  did.  could  he  really  be  blamed  for  how  he  felt?  

so  wuya  is  reasonably  startled  by  it.  the  feel  of  lips  against  his  forehead,  hands  cradling  his  face.  there  is  a  twitch  of  his  wings,  a  barely  audible  intake  of  breath.  ---  and  before  he  can  even  think  to  stop  himself,  he  is  reaching  for  the  other's  arms.  nimble  fingers  curling  around  his  wrists,  to  encourage  him  to  keep  them  there.  to  stay  close,  just  like  this.  allowing  himself  to  relax,  eyes  drifting  shut,  to  revel  in  what  he's  been  given.

loud & deafening / accepting

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 4

Summary:  It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 9.5k 

Tag List: @psychosupernatural​, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @the-moving-finger-writes​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @rose-writes-prose​, @queenlover05​, @moon-stars-soul​, @danadeacon​, @deacyblues​, @thesundrop​, @cupidben​, @lostlittlenerd​, @delilahmay39​, @timmvrphy​, @queenmylovely​, @loveandbeloved29​, @free-pool-trash​, @fairestkillerqueenofall​, @local-troubled-writer​, @babyalienfairy​, @littlecarowrites​, @allthethingsicant​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @mirkwoodshewolf​, @squishy-gay-astronaut​, @sherlollydramoine​, @butlegendsneverdie​, @dogmom2014​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: Alright, we are halfway through the season! The drama continues this week on The Bachelorette! 

Warning(s): None

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3

Week 4 here we go!!!

London was beautiful. You had never been before, so you were eager to explore somewhere new. Plus, you knew several of the guys would be familiar with it. This was an opportunity to see their world. And that was exactly what you planned to do.

The men settled into their hotel suite. It was a large, airy place, with a wide balcony overlooking the city. Then men all gathered on the balcony to take in the view.

“I’ve never seen Big Ben before,” said Mike. “Except in pictures.”

“What are you talking about?” Joe teased. “He’s right here.”

He pointed to Ben, who laughed. “That’s a much bigger Ben than I am.”

Joe then wrapped his arms around Ben in a bear hug. “Well, we’ve got the best Ben.”

“That, we do,” agreed Gwilym, who reached out and pinched Ben’s cheek. 

Ben laughed more and flushed. Then all the guys gathered in a group hug. 

Of course, Luke was not with them. He was inside, journaling by himself. After everything that happened, he avoided the other men, and they avoided him right back. So, he missed out on the bond that had formed between the rest of them. Despite all competing for the same woman, they had become solid friends.

When there was a knock on the door for the date card, Mike went to go get it. Everyone watched the hallway anxiously. Then, they all heard him release a delighted cry. They exchanged confused looks. Mike returned without a date card, but with something much better. You.

They all cheered when they saw you and engulfed you in a warm group hug. Then they all settled back onto the couches so you could catch your breath.

“Welcome to London, guys,” you said, scanning their faces. “I’m really, really happy with the group that’s still here, and I hope that we can just continue this crazy journey all together.”

“How are you enjoying it?” Taron asked.

“Well, I haven’t gotten to see much, but so far, I love London,” you said. “In fact, I came here today for someone to explore it with me.”

They all watched you, hoping you would say their own names.

“Gwilym,” you said, finding his eyes. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I’d be honored,” he replied, getting to his feet.

You smiled and followed suit, holding out your hand to him. You could see the disappointment on some of the other men’s faces, but you were relieved that they also seemed genuinely happy for Gwilym. Maybe you really could leave all the drama behind. 

You and Gwilym waved goodbye and headed out the door. You went out on the streets of London hand in hand.

“I’m gonna let you take the lead here,” you told him. “You live here, right?”

“I do,” he chuckled. “I’m not originally from London, but I live here now.”

“Well, show me around, stud!” you urged.

He laughed again and you were off. Gwilym walked you around almost everywhere that was nearby. He was knowledgeable about the history of everything too. That was one of the most attractive things about Gwilym to you. He was so well-read and intelligent. But it never came off as condescending. He was still incredibly kind and humble as well.

You stopped inside a pub to eat and grab a drink after all the walking. You ordered fish and chips because that’s what you’d always heard in the movies. Gwilym laughed beside you and kissed you on the cheek.

You each had a beer as you waited for the food.

“So,” you said as you sipped. “How are you since we last talked?”

“Very well,” he answered. “I’m excited to be getting to know you better and see where we go from here.”

“I’m excited too,” you said. “Every time I think about our connection, I always feel hopeful.”

“Hopeful?” he questioned.

“Yeah,” you said. “Since you told me your story, I feel like you’re the most hopeful person in the world. What you went through was...unbelievably sad. And yet, you’re still here, looking for love, pursuing it wholeheartedly. It makes me hopeful too.”

He smiled sadly at the glass in front of him.

“I’m flattered by your admiration,” he said. “Losing her - especially the way I did - was the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. We actually moved to London together from our little town, so coming here with you really is like a fresh start. It’s making me feel like I’m re-discovering it.”

“Is that a good feeling or a bad one?” you asked.

“It’s bittersweet,” he said. “I feel like sometimes, I still miss her so much, and it still hurts like an open wound. And other times I feel like I’m fine.”

“That’s sort of how grief works,” you told him. “Moving on from something like that isn’t a linear projection until you’re over it. You have setbacks. You’re still allowed to be sad and confused sometimes.”

 “You’re right,” he agreed. “I guess what I’m trying to say is...despite all of what happened and all the hurt, you have made me hopeful. What I’m feeling for you is something so good that I fully believe that love can happen for me again.”

A smile spread slowly across your face as he spoke. You leaned over and kissed him sweetly, conveying your absolute adoration of that sentiment. Gwilym was so deserving of love, and you wanted to show him that.

Your food came, and you split the plate between you. It tasted amazing, and as you ate the fries, an idea came to you.

“How good is your eye-mouth coordination?” you asked.

He blinked. “My what?”

You giggled. “Like, if I toss you some fries, can you catch them in your mouth?”

“Depends on how well you throw them,” he retorted. “The real question should be how good is your aim?”

“Oh?” you returned, raising a challenging eyebrow.

“Yes,” he said. “And since we are in the UK, they’re chips. Not fries.”

You snatched one off the plate and tossed it at him, hitting him square in the nose.

“Looks like my aim is pretty good there, chief,” you teased.

You threw another, and this time he caught it in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

“Okay, we make a pretty good team,” he said through a laugh.

You threw a few more to him, and he caught most. However, when he threw them to you, your catching abilities were abysmal. You blamed it on Gwilym’s arm, and he let you. 

It felt really good to sit and laugh with him. You felt like many of your conversations with Gwil were so serious. So to be lighthearted and goof around with him showed you another side of him. A side you were glad existed.

After lunch, you continued to walk around a bit. Then Gwilym stopped at an intersection, tugging your hand to stop you from crossing the street. You shot him a quizzical look.

“Gwil?”

“If we turn right here,” he said. “We can get to my flat in five minutes. I’m not presuming anything by asking this, but would you like to come over and see it?”

You looked down so he wouldn’t see the deep blush creeping up in your cheeks. On any other date, this would have implied sex, but you two were on camera, being followed by a whole crew. You weren’t embarrassed by that. You were embarrassed that you were disappointed they were there. You were really attracted to Gwilym, and would not have turned down that invitation outside of this. 

Actually, you weren’t going to turn it down either way.

“Yeah, let’s go,” you said, looking back up at him.

“Great,” he replied with a grin.

God, he was handsome.

Gwilym’s place was humble and cozy. He opened the door and allowed you inside, and you felt like he had just done the same with his heart. Everything about this place screamed “Gwilym Lee.” You walked through the front and into the sitting room, which had aged leather furniture and warm lamplight. The kitchen was smaller than what you were used to in the US, with a vintage look. It was also strictly practical. 

Gwilym also had books everywhere. There was a half shelf in the sitting room beside the fireplace. A corner of the kitchen counter was dedicated to recipe books. They were also randomly on whatever surfaces he had set them down on while reading. You pictured him walking around, nose to the pages, glasses on, focused.

He had few decorations, but there were plenty of pictures. Some of his family and friends. But the majority appeared to be of him with his students. Gwilym was a literature professor, and he was clearly dedicated to his work.

“Would you like to see upstairs?” he offered. “There’s something really special up there I’d like to show you.”

“Please,” you said.

You followed him up the wooden staircase to the second floor. There were only a few rooms up here. Gwilym’s bedroom, a guest bedroom, a hallway bathroom, and one more door at the end of the hall. That was where he led you.

He opened the door, and you gasped at the side. Across each wall, floor to ceiling - bookshelves. Fully stocked, too. There were thick, leather bound reference books. Paperback novels. Limited edition classics. Everything you could imagine for a personal collection.

“This is my library,” he said, looking between the shelves and your face.

You wondered if you looked stupid with your mouth hanging open. Gwilym’s eyes shone as he gazed at you. How beautiful you were to him in this moment was beyond words.

“Gwil, this is incredible!” you cried. “Your very own library!”

He smiled. “Take a look around, see what you like!”

You went to the first shelf to your right and extracted a worn-looking book. The spine was damaged so you couldn’t read the title until you opened it.

“Anna Karenina,” you read.

“Ah, that’s quite a special one,” he said. “Very close to my heart. It’s my grandmother’s copy. If you look at the publication date, you’ll see why it’s so special.”

Your eyes scanned the page until you found it.

“1890?!” you gasped.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “She inherited it from her great-aunt. Because I collect so many books, she left it to me.”

“That’s amazing,” you said.

“Have you ever read it?” he asked.

“I have,” you said. “It’s a tragic story, but one of my favorite classics. This is a real treasure.”

“It is,” he agreed as you returned it to the shelf.

“You’re free to keep looking, if you like,” he offered.

You did. You perused the shelves and spotted another favorite.

“Oh, Summer of Katya!” you said. “I loved this book!”

“Another tragedy,” he said. 

“Yeah, but what a wild ride,” you replied. “That plot twist had me shook for days.”

“Me as well,” he said. “A great story.”

“So, how many of these books have you actually read?” you wondered as you set Summer of Katya back.

“All of them.”

Your mouth fell open again.

“All of them?”

“All of them,” he laughed. 

“That would take me the rest of my life!” you cried looking around again.

Gwilym watched you as you walked along the shelves, and you stopped to talk about a few more things. A small smile claimed his lips. You stopped talking and met his gaze.

“What?” you wondered. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing,” he said with a shrug. “It’s just...you sort of seem to belong here in my home.”

You beamed. “I like feeling like I belong to the things you love, Gwilym.”

He held out his hand, which you took. With it, he pulled you into his arms and kissed the top of your head. You sort of felt like you belonged there too. Maybe you could. And maybe spend much of your life in this room, picking out what to read next before crawling into bed beside your husband. That would be a rather heavenly way to live.

For the evening portion of your date, you and Gwil met at a bar right on the River Thames. Like usual, it was reserved for just the two of you to enjoy your date. You sat down together and you smiled at him before making a small toast.

After you each had a bit of your drinks, you took his hand.

“I really had a great time with you today,” you said. “I feel like, so balanced with you. We can be serious, we can laugh together, and we can have intellectual discussions too. I feel like I can be every part of myself around you.”

“I’m relieved,” he told you. “And I feel the same. I haven’t struggled in opening up to you, and that's really nice.”

“Can I admit something to you?” you asked.

“In the spirit of such honesty, I’d be surprised if you didn’t,” he teased.

You chuckled and glanced down at your lap before looking back at him.

“When you first told me you’re a professor, I was really intimidated by you,” you said.

“Intimidated by me?” he questioned.

“I was nervous that you were going to think that I’m dumb,” you said.

He pursed his mouth in confusion. “W...why would I think that?”

“Because I feel like…” you trailed off. “I dunno, I’m not the most well-read person in the world, and I enjoy things that in the academic world might seem frivolous or silly. I try to keep up with current events, but I get distracted, and I think that all of that put together I -”

“Hold on,” he cut across you. “Y/N, none of that amounts to intelligence. You don’t have to read every book in my library or know every detail of Brexit to convince me that you’re smart. You are smart. A lot smarter than me in many ways.”

“Thank you,” you said, blushing.

“Can I ask you something?” he wondered.

“Of course.”

“Who told you that you’re dumb?”

You blinked, unsure how to answer him.

“Hardly anybody thinks they’re dumb on their own,” he went on. “Which leads me to believe that somebody, somewhere convinced you of it.”

You blinked again, this time to get rid of the tears welling up in your eyes.

“I...I, uh, had an ex who said that to me a lot,” you answered at last. “Anytime I disagreed with him or tried to address something he’d done to upset me, he told me I was being stupid, or that I didn’t understand anything. So, I kind of just became convinced that I wasn’t very smart.”

“Let me tell you what I see,” he said. “In all my conversations with you, I’ve found you to be not only extremely clever, but also funny, kind, and giving. In fact, my admiration has grown so much that I can finally say…” he trailed off.

You had been forming a smile as he spoke, but when he hesitated, it faltered.

“Say what?” you pressed.

“Y/N, I’m falling in love with you,” he said. “It seems unbelievable that it should happen so fast. But you are exactly the kind of girl I’d like to be with for the rest of my life.”

You smiled so wide, you thought your face might crack. Then you leaned over and took his face in your hands to kiss him. 

“Gwilym, I’m so happy to hear you say that,” you told him when you parted. “I feel like we’re really progressing. And I don’t want to stop.” You reached across the table and picked up the rose that was waiting there. “So, Gwilym. Will you accept this rose?”

“You know I will,” he replied, kissing you again.

Gwilym was very much a gentleman when he kissed you. It was slightly reserved, but with enough passion for you to feel how much he wanted to do more. Each move was thoughtful and considerate, just like him.

Gwilym: I really am falling for Y/N. I hate that she’s been with such terrible men in the past. She deserves so much more. I’d like to give her that.

You pinned the rose to his jacket and then you grinned at each other.

“You ready to go?” you asked.

“Go where?” he wondered.

“One of the most iconic places in London,” you said.

You offered your hand. He took it and followed you out. You walked together down the street until you reached it. The London Eye.

“Oh, God,” he sighed. “We’re really doing this?”

“Yes!” you insisted.

You had a whole pod reserved for the two of you. You were excited as you went up, but the higher you got, you also grew nervous. You clutched Gwilym’s hand.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re frightened,” he teased. “You went bungee jumping in the mountains!”

“I was scared of that too!” you returned. 

“Come here, cariad,” he said gently, pulling you into his arms once again.

You leaned on him and looked out over the city. The sight was breathtaking. All the lights from the buildings looked like stars. The way they reflected off the river was stunning. You felt like you were looking down from outer space or something.

“This view is beautiful,” you said.

“I like mine better,” he replied.

You faced him and saw that his his eyes were fixed on you instead of London. 

“Smooth,” you giggled.

“Kiss me,” he breathed.

You did. This kiss was different. It was deeper, more intentional, more open than your kisses before. Gwilym was fully giving himself to you and this process. To accent your joy perfectly, a fireworks show began over the river. You hardly noticed their colors or the sounds. Everything was just you and Gwilym.

Back at the house, the men were waiting for a date card. A few guys were bemoaning not being with you right now, but were holding out hope for a one on one. When there was a knock at the door, Richard went to fetch it. He returned with a card.

“It’s a group date,” he said. “Joe, Rami, Allen, Taron, Richard, Mike, and Kenny. Are you ready to meet Her Majesty? Ayyyy-yo! Y/N.”

“Ay-yo?” questioned Allen.

“What, like Freddie Mercury?” suggested Rami.

“What would Freddie Mercury have to do with a date, though?” Taron wondered.

“We’ll figure that out tomorrow,” said Mike. “With all of us on this date, that means…”

“Me and Luke are left,” Ben said with a heavy sigh. “It’s gonna be a two on one.”

A two on one meant a lot of risk because at least one of the people on it would be sent home on the date. It made Ben nervous because even though Luke’s behavior was atrocious, you kept him around, so there had to be a real connection there. Also, he was still angry at Luke for starting that stupid drama in the first place.

“I’m not worried,” Luke said. “Y/N and I have overcome a lot and I think that makes for a strong foundation.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Whatever, man. Just don’t tell her any more sh*t you’ve made up about me.”

“I didn’t make anything up,” Luke returned. “I heard what I heard.”

“You didn’t hear anything because I. Never. Said. It.” Ben shot back.

“Neither did I,” Joe added. “But let’s leave this in the past, okay? All any of us can do is focus on our own relationships with her.”

Luke and Ben glowered at each other a moment longer before looking away.

The next day, everyone but Gwilym, Ben, and Luke, got on a bus and headed out from the hotel. Mike, Kenny, and Joe had never been to London before, so they were in awe of the city as they made their way to the unknown destination.

Taron: I feel terrible for Ben and what he’s going to face tomorrow, but I’m also really glad Luke isn’t here to ruin the group date again. Those of us here are actually decent blokes, so I think it’ll be a fun day.

“Is that Wembley Stadium?” Joe wondered, pointing in the direction the bus was heading.

“It is,” said Richard.

The group exchanged apprehensive looks as they were dropped off at the legendary arena and escorted into it.

Inside, on the field, was a stage setup. You stood center stage, smiling at the men. You were wearing all white - a white v-neck tank top, and white pants with a red and yellow racing stripe up the sides, belted at the waist. You also donned a yellow, military style leather jacket. 

“Hello, gentlemen!” you greeted as they climbed up the stairs to join you. “Welcome to Wembley Stadium! How many of y’all have been here before?”

Taron, Richard, Allen, and Rami raised their hands. Joe, Mike, and Kenny did not. They were also the ones still looking around, while the others stayed focused on you.

���Well, surely you all know about the legendary concert that took place here in 1985, Live Aid,” you said, and they nodded. “And I’m sure you know which act stole the show.”

“Queen,” said Rami.

“Yep!” you confirmed. “So we’re gonna have some fun today. You’re all going to be dressed like Freddie Mercury and give me your best Live Aid performance.”

Their eyes widened as they looked at you, and you bit back a laugh.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be lip-syncing,” you assured them. “There also won’t be an audience. The person who does the best job gets to talk to me first at the cocktail party tonight.”

“Will you be the judge?” Taron asked.

“Actually, I won’t, I’m just enjoying the show,” you said. “The judges are some very special people who are quite familiar with Freddie.”

“Oh my God…” Rami said under his breath.

You smirked. “Guys, please welcome Queen and Adam Lambert!”

The guys clapped as Brian May, Roger Taylor, and Adam Lambert emerged onto the stage. They first hugged you and then turned to face the men.

Richard: I can’t believe this...it’s f***ing Queen! We’re on a date with Queen! I mean - we’re on a date with Y/N - but Queen is there! I’m blown away right now!

“Hullo, guys,” said Brian with a gentle wave. “We just wanted to let you all know - don’t be nervous. This is meant to be something fun to show Y/N you can come out of your shell a bit.”

“Yes, have fun,” Roger agreed. “Don’t be afraid to make an arse out of yourself. Freddie certainly wasn’t.”

Everyone chuckled.

“So, you guys have fifteen minutes to change and decide on one song from the Live Aid set you want to do,” Adam explained. “You can watch the clip of your choice as much as you want in that fifteen minutes.”

“The costumes are backstage,” you said. “You guys ready?”

They nodded at you. 

“Okay, fifteen minutes starts now!”

While the guys got changed and prepared, you and the band went around and checked up on them. You went over to Mike first, who was watching the video of Live Aid and scrubbing through it quickly.

“How’s it going?” you asked.

“Okay,” he replied. “I don’t really know any Queen songs, so I’m listening for something that sounds familiar.”

“You know We Will Rock You?” you wondered.

“I know those words of it,” he laughed.

You giggled. “Well, I’d go for that one, then. It’s second to last.”

“Thank you,” he sighed.

You looked over and saw Rami chatting with Brian. Richard was talking to Roger, and Allen and Kenny were talking to Adam. Everyone was in the iconic white tank top and light wash jeans. They also had the studded armband and mustache. You went over to Taron next.

“How’re you feeling?” you asked. 

“I know what song I’ll do,” he told you. “Bohemian Rhapsody. That way I can sit behind a piano for most of it.”

“Nice,” you chuckled. “You play, right?”

“I do,” he said. “Although, as you learned on our Disney date, I’m much more of an Elton John man than Queen. Don’t get me wrong, I adore them, but Elton is more my style.”

“I’d love to hear you play some Elton for me sometime,” you said. “But honestly, now is the time to get out of your comfort zone and show me your edge, Taron.”

“I’ll do anything for you, love,” he replied with a grin.

Then you headed over to Rami.

“Hey, sweetie,” you said as he pulled you into a hug.

When you parted, you had to take a moment. Rami really looked like Freddie for a split second. With the mustache and the clothes...he had even styled his hair. He was getting really into this.

“Woah, you look great!” you said.

“Thanks,” he returned. “I’m really excited for this.”

“I know you’re an actor, so you’re not too worried,” you joked. “Which song did you pick?”

“Radio GaGa,” he told you. 

“Good choice,” you praised.

You chatted with Rami for another moment before moving on to Richard.

“Just be grateful we picked Live Aid and not one of our shows from the seventies,” Roger was saying as you approached. “You’d all be in leotards.”

“I dunno, I think I could make it work,” Richard returned with a chuckle.

“I definitely think you could make it work,” you agreed. “How’s it going over here?”

“Pretty good,” Richard said. “I know what I’m going to do.”

“Awesome!” you said. “You a big Queen fan?”

“Massive Queen fan,” he told you. “This is kind of a dream for me.”

“I think you’ve found your man, Y/N,” Roger teased. “This one’s clearly got the best taste.”

You laughed.

The fifteen minutes went by more quickly than you anticipated, but most of the guys seemed ready. There were a few nerves you could feel, but they weren’t too bad. Kenny was up first.

Kenny did “We Are the Champions” and he was pretty good. He clearly knew the words, but he was also nervous and shy. You found that surprising since he was a pro wrestler and part of his act was to put on a bit of a show. You cut him some slack, though. This was out of his element.

Taron was second, and he was better. His performance did come out more like Elton than like Freddie, but he was really feeling the music. You could tell he had wanted to play and sing himself, so he was holding back a little bit.

Mike was third. He did “We Will Rock You” and had a lot of energy, but it was more his own than like Freddie. You didn’t mind, since you liked Mike’s style, but it didn’t bode well for him as far as the competition went. 

Allen was fourth, and he did “Hammer to Fall.” So far, he came the closest to looking like Freddie up on stage. He was upbeat and had obviously studied the movements. The only problem was that it came off a little too rehearsed.

Richard went next. He had the same idea as Taron to do “Bohemian Rhapsody” so he wouldn’t have to move around so much. He was even more reserved than Taron. Evidently, he was not much of a performer at all, despite how much he loved the music.

Joe was sixth. He did “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” It was similar in idea to Taron and Richard, because he got to use an instrument. Joe could actually play guitar, so he mimed it well. Like Mike, he was more Joe than Freddie. Joe wasn’t a shy person at all, so he was still  entertaining.

Finally, it was Rami. From the first notes of “Radio GaGa,” you could tell there was something different about Rami’s performance. Every move, every step, every turn was intentional, but looked effortlessly Freddie. It took you off guard. Rami looked the most like Freddie, and with this performance, you were convinced he had a spiritual connection to the man. You looked over at Brian and Roger. Brian had tears in his eyes. Roger was closing his mouth just as you looked. They saw it too. Adam placed a comforting hand on each of their shoulders.

When Rami finished, the whole arena was deathly silent. All eyes were fixed on Rami, who stood breathless on stage, but looking proud. He also looked like...not Rami. That last note rang out, and for a moment, it was as if Freddie himself stood there.

Finally, Roger cleared his throat. 

“Well done,” he choked out. “We’ll just need a...a moment to uh, discuss.”

The band walked out of earshot for a moment and you approached Rami.

“I think you shook them up,” you said. “You certainly shook me up.”

He shot you a worried glance.

“In a good way,” you assured him. “Believe me, you were incredible.”

The band returned and appeared to have recovered from their shock.

“Everybody did a fine job,” Brian began. “Just remember to not be so shy. Show Y/N that you can open up and be yourself.”

“This really brought me back,” Roger added. “But one person in particular really captured Freddie’s spirit today.”

“And that person is Rami,” Adam announced. 

You let out a cheer and clapped for Rami, and the rest of the men joined you. You hugged him around the neck as you congratulated him.

“Thanks, Y/N,” he said bashfully.

“Congratulations, Rami,” Brian said. “Enjoy your time with Y/N first tonight, and remember to use it wisely.”

Everyone thanked the band for their part, and got autographs before they left. Then it was time for the evening portion of the date. It was still at Wembley, in a private box, which overlooked the field. The stage set up had been removed already, so it was returned to its sport ready look. It was still lit up in the darkness by the stadium lights.

You met the men in the box and gave a toast. Then, you took Rami by the hand and led him out. Also reserved for you was the next box over, so you could have private conversations. You and Rami went in there and sat down to chat.

“You were seriously amazing today,” you told him. “That was like, Oscar worthy.”

He chuckled. “I dunno about all that, but I definitely had fun. Freddie Mercury is pretty special to me.”

“Why’s that?” you wondered.

“Well, we sort have a lot in common,” he said. “We’re both kinda awkward brown boys from immigrant families, but with a lot of dreams.”

“I can see that,” you said. “You feel that strongly about acting?”

“I do,” he said. “I take it very seriously. I believe in myself, and I hope that someday I can be big enough to win an Oscar. I wanna be like Freddie, where kids who look like me can start believing that they can succeed too.”

You loved that idea and what it represented. The only thing for you was that actors were away a lot, and you wanted to raise a family. With a partner.

“How does that dream fall in with your desire to have a family?” you asked.

“Lots of actors have families,” he said. “I’m already settled in LA, where most of the jobs are, and that’s where I’d want to raise my family. And I’d work with my partner to make sure my schedule didn’t interfere with important things. I know it won’t be easy, but I am family oriented, and I know I can do both. But the last thing I wanna do is settle.”

“Settle?” you questioned.

“I mean, I don’t want to take some safe, nine-to-five job just because I want to get married and have a family,” he said. “I want to pursue my dreams so that my kids will have someone they can really be proud of. Someone who didn’t give up on his passion.”

You smiled. “I like that. You’re a very driven person, Rami, I hadn’t noticed that about you before.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re learning now,” he said. “I am driven and focused and there’s a lot I want out of life.”

You both paused to sip your drinks.

“What about you?” he said. “What are you passionate about?”

“I’m most passionate about family,” you said. “I didn’t really have those connections as a kid. My family isn’t very close. I want that unit, that strength that comes with being together.”

“That’s a beautiful sentiment,” he said. “Is there anything else?”

“Like what?” you wondered.

“Like hobbies,” he said. “Y/N, don’t you have interests besides that?”

“I read a lot,” you told him. “And I like fashion and beauty, but those are just normal girl things.”

“Are you kidding?” he returned. “There’s a lot there to go with. Do you ever design your own stuff?”

You blushed. “I...well, I do sort of have this dream of starting my own clothing label.”

“That’s awesome!” he said excitedly. “Tell me more!”

“Well, I’d want to use all recycled materials so we’re not being wasteful,” you said. “That way it’s like thrifting, but you’ll still get the latest styles. Everything would just be re-designed and…” you trailed off. “Sorry. It’s kind of a silly idea.”

“Not at all!” he insisted. “I think it’s a great idea. Environmentally friendly and everything. That’s amazing, Y/N. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“You certainly help me believe in it,” you replied, all embarrassment fading away at his enthusiasm. 

“I want to help you believe in yourself,” he said. “It’s important to me.”

“It is?”

“Yes, Y/N,” he said. “I want to be there for you. I’m falling in love with you and I want to help you see yourself through my eyes.”

Your heart skipped a beat. You grinned. 

“You’re falling in love with me?”

“More and more every day,” he assured you.

With that, he kissed you. Rami’s kisses were always deeply passionate and romantic. It made you feel like you two were on the cover of a romance novel or something. You felt like you were in your own romance novel because you were falling for Rami too. He was just so special.

Rami: I really am falling in love with Y/N. I can just see a wonderful future with her as my wife. She’s everything you could ever want.

After Rami, Joe wanted to see you. Your time with Joe went as well as it usually did. You laughed together a lot and discussed the date. He reassured you that he was falling for you. You were tempted to say it back, but hesitated. You felt strongly for Joe, but there was still more to explore there.

Allen pulled you after Joe. You were still holding back with Allen, and you felt that he was too. He had told you more of his story on your one on one, but since then, you hadn’t had a serious conversation. You didn’t feel uncomfortable around him or anything, but there was something more you wanted. Like he was only giving himself partially to this. You wanted him to give everything.

Richard came next. Similar to Allen, he held back from you. He had divulged even less information about himself. Less than any of the other men there. Richard was fun and easygoing, but you wanted him to dig deeper. He just wasn’t going there. You needed to find out why.

Taron followed after Richard. Taron was not afraid of giving his heart to you, and you could feel it ever since that one on one. Every time you spoke to him, the relationship moved forward, in the right direction. You always looked forward to your time with him, and today was no different.

There was a piano in the private box, and Taron made good on his promise to play for you. He began with “Your Song” by Elton John, one of your favorites. His voice was swoon-worthy, and you loved listening. Each time he sang, you pictured him in your house together, singing your kids to sleep or just serenading you before bed. He felt like home to you.

“Life really is wonderful with you in the world, Y/N,” he said as he finished. “It’s becoming pretty difficult to imagine my life without you in it.”

“That’s sweet,” you said. “I’d have a hard time without you, too.”

“Really, Y/N,” he said. “I’m falling in love with you. Hard.”

You met his gaze, heart racing with joy.

“I’m so happy you told me,” you whispered. “You’re amazing, Taron.”

He kissed you. Short and sweet because neither of you could stop smiling.

Mike and Kenny also made things difficult on you because they both told you they were falling in love as well. You felt like all of them deserved roses tonight, but you knew who you wanted the rose to go to. As you all gathered back in the original box, you picked it up off the table.

“Thank you all for an incredible day,” you said. “We got a bit of a rock concert and I got to see you all just have a good time. But I wanna give this rose to someone who really proved himself today. Who showed me something new and moved our relationship forward.”

You found Rami’s eyes.

“Rami, will you accept this rose?”

“I will,” he assured you, getting to his feet.

You pinned it to his jacket as he kissed your cheek. Then, you bid them all goodnight. You were still riding the high of the day when you remembered that the following day, you had your two on one with Ben and Luke.

The date card arrived for Ben and Luke while the rest of the men were at the cocktail party with you. Gwilym retrieved it and read it out loud.

“Ben and Luke,” he said. “I want us to grow. Love, Y/N.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Ben groaned.

“What, eager to go home?” Luke taunted.

Ben rolled his eyes and went to his room for the night.

The next day, Ben and Luke each placed their luggage by the door. Whoever went home, the producers would come and take their luggage to the airport. The two men were driven by car to meet you in a lovely garden and park. Everything was blooming so it was the perfect time of year for a date like this. You just wished you weren’t dreading it so much. One of them was going home, but you felt like you needed time with both of them. Hopefully today would be enough.

“Hi, guys,” you greeted, trying to sound chipper as they hugged you one by one. “So today, we’re having a picnic in the park. It’s really beautiful here, so let’s have a good day, yeah?”

“O’course,” Ben agreed.

“Definitely,” Luke added.

“Okay, let’s go.”

You led them over the set up that was reserved for you. It was a small table with three chairs around it. You sat first - in between them - and then poured everyone a glass of champagne. The champagne was more for you, really. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife, and you needed to feel at ease. These two had such animosity between them.

“So, Luke, you wanna go talk?” you asked.

“Sure, yeah,” he agreed.

You walked around a hedge to another small table. You took a swig of your drink and then looked at him.

“So, I know you’re not over everything that happened in Asheville, and neither am I,” you said.

“No, I’m over it,” he protested. “Really, I’m not mad at you anymore. I wanna move on.”

“I wanna move on too,” you said. “But I feel like we have to talk about this because this is a disagreement on something fundamental, and I don’t think you understand that.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Like, you were angry at me for taking off my clothes in front of Joe,” you said. “Because of your beliefs, you felt like it was disrespectful. I don’t know any other way to tell you that I don’t share those beliefs and you can’t force them on me.”

“I don’t want to force them on you,” he said. “But I think that you should be more aware of our feelings in this and behave - y’know - properly.”

That familiar anger stirred in the pit of your stomach.

“Okay, Luke, I behaved just fine -”

“Really?” he scoffed. “Getting naked in front of a guy on your first date with him is fine behavior?”

You could have screamed.

“Oh my God,” you sighed. “Let’s get one thing straight, okay? I can do whatever the hell I want. This is my journey, it’s my body, and whatever I decide to do with it is up to me and not subject to your approval.”

“Y/N, I’m just trying to help you,” he said gently. “I prayed about it, and I feel like my purpose here is to save you.”

“To save me?” you questioned.

“You’re being led astray by these other men,” he said. “But together, we can -”

“Okay, Luke, stop,” you said. “We’re not getting into theological arguments today. Clearly, it doesn’t matter to you that I don’t want to hear it. The other thing we need to address is why you lied about Joe and Ben.”

“I didn’t lie,” he insisted. “I know what I heard.”

“But none of the other guys heard it,” you reminded him. “And if they said it out loud, they said it to someone with ears, so they must have heard it. Just be honest and tell me why you did it.”

“I know I heard that conversation, Y/N,” he said firmly. “I’m not a liar.”

“So literally every other guy in that house is?” you challenged. 

“Y/N, please,” he begged. “I love you. I want this more than anything. And look at what we’ve overcome.”

“Luke, we haven’t overcome anything!” you cried. “We’re still working this out because you’re not being honest with me!”

“I’m telling you my truth!” he returned. 

A beat passed in uncomfortable silence.

“Do you believe me when I say that I love you?” he asked.

You held his gaze. Then you took a deep breath.

“No,” you said heavily.

He looked away, unable to form words.

Ben: I’m kind of nervous about today. She’s kept him around long enough for me to think there must really be something there that I’m not seeing. I just hope my connection with her is stronger.

You and Luke returned to where Ben was still waiting. Nothing else had been said. You grabbed Ben’s hand and led him away next, desperate for some relief. Luke made you feel like every step of this process was such a battle. Ben excited you, and you hoped he still did.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Okay,” you said. “I’m sorry to put you through this, I know it’s not easy.”

“No worries, love,” he said. “You’re worth all of this. Every part of this journey.”

You smiled, and you felt warmth returning to your body. You realized within seconds of talking to Ben that Luke made you feel cold and closed off. Ben made you feel warm and open. That was the feeling you were looking for.

“How are you?” you asked him.

“I’m perfect, now I’m with you,” he replied. “I’m not going to lie, watching the other guys going out with you throughout the week isn’t easy, but I’m here for the long haul. I’m ready to stick it out if it means you and me at the end.”

You leaned into his chest and hummed happily. He wrapped his arms around you. Then he pressed his lips to the top of your head. You felt cared for and respected.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I was that you believed me last week,” he said. “Knowing that you trust me, and you’re willing to hear from everyone, it makes me fall for you all the more. You’re fair and kind and patient. I dunno how you put up with the lot of us.”

You giggled and then looked up at him.

“Well, you’re all so handsome, it’s hard to stay mad at you,” you teased.

“I see,” he joked back. “You’re just in it for the eye candy.”

“Haven’t you heard?” you asked sarcastically. “I’m actually looking for a trophy husband.”

He chuckled. “It’s almost hard for me to joke about, since I actually like almost everyone.”

You smiled. “Really?”

“You’ve got a fantastic group here,” he said. “As heartbroken as I’d be if it’s not me and you, I know you’d be in good hands.”

“That’s so sweet, Ben,” you said. 

You felt such a soft affection for him in this moment. That comment made one thing abundantly clear to you: Ben wanted only what was best for you, whatever made you happiest, even if it wasn’t him. You wondered how he’d never been in love before, when he gave it so freely and selflessly. Your value to him did not hinge on your behavior with the other men.

You chatted with Ben a while longer, just trying to forget about what Luke had said. Plus, you liked Ben a lot and enjoyed talking to him. It was quickly becoming more than liking him, which scared you a little, but you knew he would be there to catch you once you fell. You were still teetering on the edge.

Your decision was made when you returned to where Luke waited. There was no need to give him any more chances. You didn’t trust him anymore, and you had such different beliefs, it never would work out. You sat down and picked up the rose.

“I’m gonna be perfectly honest and say that this was not a very difficult decision for me today,” you said. “So far, this has been the easiest decision I’ve made.”

You looked at Ben and decided to get right to it.

“Ben, will you accept this rose?”

You heard Luke suck in a soft breath as you and Ben stood up. You pinned the rose on him and hugged him tight. Then you looked at Luke.

“Can I walk you out?” you asked.

“Yeah, okay,” he said, still dazed.

“I’ll be right back,” you told Ben.

You and Luke walked together toward the car that was waiting to take him to the airport. Ben heaved a relieved sigh and sat back down with a wide grin on his face.

Back at the house, Joe was closest to the door when he heard it open. The producer was there to take the luggage.

“Guys!” Joe yelled. “It’s happening!”

The rest of the men rushed to the door to find out who it was. They watched with bated breath as the producer’s hand stretched out and grabbed Luke’s luggage. They all roared with delight and began jumping and hugging each other as the door closed again. Luke was leaving at last!

“Hold on, let me get champagne!” Gwilym cried, jogging to the kitchen.

They all followed him, still laughing and congratulating each other. Gwilym handed out the glasses and Joe stood on the counter to make a toast.

“To Ben,” he said. “For getting that f***er out of here at last.”

“To Ben!” the others echoed before taking a drink.

“And to Y/N,” Rami said. “For making the right choice.”

“Y/N!” they cried, and they all downed their drinks.

Back on the date, you walked Luke to the black van waiting for him. You stood outside the door to let him say something. 

“I just…” he trailed off. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry, Luke,” you said. “We’re just too different. We have different beliefs, different values. And we couldn’t move past those things.”

“But I love you,” he said.

You shook your head. “I don’t think you do. I think you love the woman that you want me to be. The version of me that you created who does take part in your faith and share that with you. But that’s not who I am.”

“I…” he lost words again.

“I really am sorry,” you said. “I hope you find that person.”

“Thanks,” he said dully.

You opened the door for him. He slid into the seat. You closed the door and watched the car pull away. You were certain you had done the right thing. Luke was so wrong for you in so many ways. But you meant what you said. You were sure that girl was out there somewhere for him. But he was not for you.

You hurried back to Ben and leapt into his arms when you saw him. You kissed him as you wrapped your legs around his waist.

“It’s just you and me tonight, baby!” you cried. 

“Thank God!” he returned.

That night, you and Ben went to a fine restaurant and had a wonderful dinner. It was similar to your one on one, where the conversation flowed. You talked about serious things and lighthearted things. Neither of you brought up Luke again. Ben looked as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

After dinner, you walked around nearby and saw a street performer playing the cello. The melody was soaring and beautiful. Ben spun you into his arms and began to sway with you. You wrapped your arms around his neck and stood with him, heart full. He opened his eyes to meet yours.

“Y/N, I’m falling in love with you,” he said simply.

You saw how much he meant it in those beautiful green eyes of his. Tears welled up in yours. You were no longer teetering. You slipped right off the edge.

“I’m falling in love with you too,” you returned, without thinking.

You were not supposed to say “love” to anyone but the person you got engaged to, but you didn’t feel bad about breaking the rules for Ben. He had shown you today how much you meant to him. And he meant that much to you too. If you weren’t with him at the end of this, you wished only for him to have a happy and fulfilling life. You genuinely hoped he was at the end of this though because you weren’t ready to let him go. You weren’t sure you ever would be.

The following day, you once again decided to cancel the cocktail party. You knew where your heart was, and you didn’t want to drag out the whole night when your mind was made up. So when you arrived at the hotel, you were ready.

The hotel had a lovely ballroom on the first floor where you were having the rose ceremony. You walked in and forced a smile. This was going to be a pretty tough one. Two men would be leaving that you really liked.

“Sorry again for the cocktail party,” you said. “But I really am just trying to follow my heart.”

You waited a beat before picking up the first rose. There were only four.

“Joe,” you called.

He walked forward proudly.

“Joe, will you accept this rose?”

“I will.”

He returned to the group. You picked up the next rose.

“Taron,” you said.

He beamed at you and jogged up.

“Taron, will you accept this rose?” you asked with a smile, since his was contagious. 

“Of course.”

You pinned it on him and he walked back over. You saw Richard take a deep breath.

“Richard,” you said.

He exhaled before walking over.

“Richard, will you accept this rose?”

“Always.”

As Richard returned to the group, Chris Harrison walked out.

“Y/N, gentlemen,” he said. “This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready, Y/N.”

You picked up the rose. You found the man you wanted to give it to.

“Allen,” you said.

You saw the relief wash over him as he approached you.

“Allen, will you accept this rose?”

“I certainly will,” he assured you.

He walked back over to the group. Mike and Kenny looked dejected, and you understood why. It was never easy.

“Kenny, Mike, I’m sorry,” Chris said. “Take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

They took a while to say goodbye to the guys, which did sort of make you feel good. You liked that the remaining men were friends.

Kenny came up to you first.

“I’m sorry,” you said, suddenly choking on the words. You weren’t sure when the tears started. “You deserve so much -”

“Don’t, Y/N,” he said gently. “It was a pleasure getting to know you.”

You nodded and he pulled you into a hug. 

“You’re gonna be amazing,” he whispered to you.

With that, he left and headed to the car waiting for him. Mike came up next. You actually sobbed. Mike was such a wonderful man, and you hated that you weren’t there with him.

“I’m so sorry,” you sniffled.

“It’s okay,” he assured you with a smile. “You’re beautiful and strong, okay? I know you’ll find your happiness.”

“You will too,” you replied softly.

He reached over to wipe away a tear with his thumb.

“Good luck, Y/N.”

He too, departed.

The remaining men moved forward to engulf you in a group hug. While you were sure of the decisions you had made, you hated to hurt people, and both Kenny and Mike had told you they were falling for you. But you couldn’t get there with them, and it was terrible. They were great guys. You just knew they weren’t right for you.

“So,” you said, fanning your face a bit. “Next, we’re going to -”

“Y/N!” someone bellowed from the lobby of the hotel.

Your brow furrowed. 

“Is that…” you trailed off, eyes going wide with horror.

Then he appeared in the doorway of the ballroom.

“Luke!” you cried. “What are you doing here?!”

“I’m not giving up on us,” he said, marching toward you.

His body language looked dangerous. Joe was closest to you and you reached for him. He immediately caught on and wrapped his arms around you, placing himself between you and Luke.

The other men stood in front of the two of you, not allowing Luke any closer.

“She sent you home, Luke,” said Richard darkly. “You can’t be here.”

“I just wanna talk, Y/N,” Luke said, ignoring Richard and trying to look around him. “Y/N, please! I just wanna work this out!”

“Well, I don’t!” you returned. “Just go!”

“I know there’s something here!” he insisted. “There’s gotta be! Don’t give up!”

You peered at him around Joe’s arm.

“No, there isn’t!” you shouted. “You’re scaring me, Luke. Just leave.”

He moved forward, but Ben placed a hand on his chest.

“Not a step closer,” Ben warned.

“Just stay out of this,” Luke spat. 

“She asked you to leave, Luke,” Allen said. “So go.”

“No, I’m not giving up,” Luke said. 

“Oh, my God,” you whispered into Joe’s chest. “Oh, my God.”

Joe lowered his lips to your ear. “Don’t worry. We’re not gonna let him anywhere near you.”

“This is just crazy,” you went on. “He’s acting crazy.”

“Y/N, please!” Luke continued to plead.

Chris Harrison at last approached, accompanied by security guards. Chris went directly to you.

“What do you wanna do, Y/N?” he asked. “Do you wanna talk to him?”

“No!” you insisted. “I want him to leave!”

“Okay,” Chris said. He turned to Luke. “Luke, it’s time to go.”

The security guards stepped toward him, but he stepped away.

“Wait!” he pressed. “Wait, Y/N - just - please. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me here. That’s the only way I’ll believe it.”

You met his gaze with a scowl.

“I don’t want you here,” you said venomously. “Get out.”

He sighed, shoulders sagging. Then, he straightened up, turned on his heel, and stormed out. You hoped that was the last you ever saw of him.

“You alright?” Joe asked.

You nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.” You looked at Chris. “He did actually leave, right?”

He nodded. “We made sure of it.”

You took a deep breath.

“You wanna tell them where we’re going next?” he asked.

You let yourself smile, even though you were still a bit shaken.

“Yeah,” you said. You addressed the men. “Guys, we’re going to Killarney, Ireland!”

Allen whooped and pumped a fist in the air. You laughed. You knew he’d be excited to be back home in Ireland. But the rest of the guys seemed excited too. You gazed at them in awe. It was hard to believe that you had already narrowed it down to seven guys. Seven incredible guys. You couldn’t ask for more.

That night, as you packed in your hotel room, you heard a knock at the door. For a moment, you feared Luke had come to speak to you again, but you told production you didn’t want him near you. Still, you peeked through the peephole before answering. The man behind it took your breath away. You thought your eyes were playing tricks on you. It couldn’t be! Could it?

You opened the door apprehensively.

“Jamie?”

To be continued…

[pollylynn]

Title: Oblation WC: 900

The first thing he ever gave her, a signed, advance copy of Storm Fall, she threw in the trash. He never held it against her. She was mad—really mad—about the whole grand theft murder file thing. Plus, she had him cuffed right afterward, which has always pretty much been their version of Let’s kiss and make up. And anyway, he has it on good authority—**cough** Ryan **cough**—that she’d fished the book back out of the trash, so that’s a check in the Win column.

The second thing he ever gave her was a misfire and not a misfire at all. He sent the dress, not to annoy her, but because he knew she’d need it. And, okay, fine—a little bit to annoy her, but it was early days then, and annoyance was the only kind of reaction he seemed to be able to get out of her. Until the dress, anyway, and then she gave him a smile and a quiet thank you, and all night she was a little starry-eyed about the damned thing. All night, he’d caught her smoothing her hands down the close fit over her hips and laughing a delighted, little-girl laugh at the way the ballroom lights struck fire in the crystals all along the bodice.

The third thing he ever gave her, she shoved right back in his face. But, hey, who doesn’t love a bear claw?

The fourth thing was not a gift. Not for her, anyway. You dredged up my past for you. She was right about that, though she might not know the whole of it. Hell, he might not know the whole of it, even now, but he understands that it was nothing like a gift.

He stopped counting after that, mostly. He tried to send her things endlessly in the weeks that bled into months, and every single one came back. And then when she would talk to him again—when she had to talk to him again—he offered her a pony. He offered up anything she could have possibly wanted, save leaving her alone, and she wouldn’t take him up on it. But she took him back, and so he stopped counting.

But he’s given her another book—her book, this time—and he knows that she ate it up. He knows that I haven’t gotten to it yet was entirely about torturing him, but see above re: Let’s kiss and make up.


He’s given her a thank you gift for egg-sitting Feggin and presented her with the collected works of The Blue Pill. He tried to give her the multivolume posthumous tribute to Haley Blue, but she had casually ticked off no fewer than seven ways to kill a man with a CD jewel case before he’d backed off that. To this day, she casually ticks off all the ways to kill a man with the lacy Something Blue garter that had showed up anonymously on her doorstep, not long after she caught Kyra’s bouquet—but that, of course, has nothing at all to do with him.

He’s filled the candy dish on her desk who knows how many times by now (and gotten her a better candy dish, because that thing was kind of gross) and had Joe Torre a very belated Happy Birthday voice mail. He’s presented her with her dad’s watch, restored to working order and snuck mints on to the pillows in the guest room when she was homeless and case-less.

He’s bought her pretzels on the street and brought her hot dogs in the middle of the night. He’s showed up on Sunday mornings at breakfast time with General Tso’s chicken, because her eating habits are breathtakingly bad for someone who is obviously dangerously, devastatingly fit. He has tried (and failed) to buy her a milkshake and a burger and a heaping order of french fries.

But mostly, he’s brought her coffee.

He saw a great need, early on. He saw that Esposito would hand her a cup, more out of self-preservation than anything, it seemed, on freezing cold mornings or late, late nights. But he also saw that Esposito was unreliable, and worse, unworthy. He would hand her a cup from the most unspeakable places and she would wince and drink it down anyway, whether it was burnt or weak, tepid or thick as mud.

He’d caught her in the act, not long after. He’d spied her from a distance one morning, in front of the coffee truck that was well past the precinct doors from her subway station. She’d g from foot to foot for a good long while in the sudden, unseasonable cold.  He’d hung back, well out of sight, then tipped the guy at the window an absolutely obscene amount to find out her order—her real order.

Since then, he’s brought her coffee. He’s brought her paper cups, snug in their java jackets at dozens of scenes, and he’s brought her piping hot Americanos too big to be advisable right at her desk. He’s pulled her perfect shots and topped with impeccable layers of foam. He’s dashed through traffic to grab her a cup on the fly when he sees a caffeine headache pinching her right between the brows.

He’s brought her coffee.


He brings her coffee.

But not today.

It’s okay. Demming already brought some.

A/N: Ouch. Hmmm.

images via homeofthenutty

[bloojayoolie]

Being Alone, Beautiful, and Bones: 69 TABLE F5 Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon ner OT a Tearur sort, wnicn coula only be proken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. he waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. Theyll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -1. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to......me? Yes, I was talking to you I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in th woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any fri And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, t really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man ??? my note! Just like the time... ..and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ..-Stop singing!! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true frie be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am 1? A......really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -R- Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of. "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I re Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing wha such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Lik when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well.... maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm maki Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me.... GRAPH all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! N doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh g us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know w Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off c adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He n, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perte Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'l...-No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All ric Ok, Mi tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man?-The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-ma mufin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ..you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentaily kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cindereila. Bachelorette num from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give t up for. certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loader so l guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half d Teacher gave us a index card to write whatever we wanted on for the test. However, I glued the dialogue for the Shrek movie instead.

[saintheartwing]

Undertales of Friendship: Muffet and the Cakes

Normal life for Equestria will never be quite the same now that two worlds have united. The Monsters from the Underground of Earth, the human ambassador Frisk, both are eager to make friends with a new kind of being...the pony. And the ponies, in turn, are quite eager to welcome more friends into their lives, especially those who seem so willing and talented! What could go wrong? Well...actually a lot. But a lot can go RIGHT too, and this is a collection of stories done in collaboration with me and MisterEbony, to give to you, the reader, a peek into the best of two worlds. I hope you all enjoy them half as much as we enjoyed writing them!

--------------------------------------

"I JUST don't understand what the problem is."

The Earth ponies sighed quietly, shaking their heads back and forth as they tried to approach their new friend, Mr. Cake putting a hoof on her shoulder as she sighed. "I mean...presentation is everything and I put my heart and soul into these delightful dishes!" Their friend muttered sadly as she held up a plate full of tragically-uneaten donuts. "Why doesn't anyone want to try them?"

The answer was twofold. One, because Muffet, their cook, was a spider. And she wasn't just ANY spider. No, Muffet had maroon pantaloons, black hair tied in buns on her head, five large, piercing black eyes and six arms on top of that.  Muffet the Spider, the "Queen", the "Head Honchette", as it were, of the Spider Kingdom in the Underworld, may have been a big fish in the little pond she called home, but here? Here she was a minnow, and she was drowning. Sure she LOOKED kinda adorable if you could get past the distinct fangs, the overly thin and long legs and arms, and the piercing claws on her hands.

But then you read the sign that detailed what was in her pastries. You see, all the proceeds went to real spiders! And it advertised how you should come eat food made by spiders, FOR spiders, and WITH spiders!

Yeah, that last one was what turned the ponies of Equestria off. Sure, the donuts looked nice. A delightful chocolate glaze with pink and purple frosting, and black sprinkles on the top. But then when the inhabitants of Equestria had read what was in them?

Well, dear readers, I take you to the very first day of Muffet's attempted business venture with the Cake family.  It had been a delightfully bright Sunday morning in Ponyville, as soft, puffy clouds ambled over Sugarcube Corner. The swirly hair of Ms. Cake bobbed about as she swept the store carefully, Ms. Muffet sitting behind the counter and smiling broadly as a purple alicorn approached the store, a green-and-purple-scaled little dragon walking behind her. Mr. Cake was handing out some donuts Ms. Muffet had made to Pinkie Pie, that lovable pink Earth Pony rapscallion who was happily munching away on them. So far, so good!

Or at least, so Muffet had thought until she saw Twilight Sparkle's concerned face as the alicorn entered the store, Spike the dragon holding a clawed hand over his stomach, letting out an unpleasant, liquidy belch as Muffet stared stupidly back. "Um, however may I help you?" She asked Twilight. "You don't look well at all, deary." She added to Spike as he tried to speak, only to surpress another disgusting belch, a wooziness coming over his draconic features.

"Ms. Muffet, I'm aware you've entered into joint venture with the Cakes here at Sugarcube corner." Twilight Sparkle intoned as her horn sparked with faintly purple energy and one of the donuts from off of a nearby tray that was sitting to the right of Muffet on the purchasing countertop was hovered up. Twilight gestured at it with a hoof, speaking solemnly. "You've filled out all the right paperwork for it, but I have to talk to you about these...unique dishes you've made." She remarked, before concentrating some more as a croissant now hovered up from a plate to Ms. Muffet's left.  "If I may begin at the beginning?"

"Of course. I love talking about my work." Muffet remarked, resting her head on the back of her hands, nonchalantly tilting it slightly as she smiled a bit. "So whatever is the matter?"

"First, there's your croissants. Now these are incredibly nasty. They taste too thick and you added far too much flour. But we can't prosecute you for that." Twilight remarked, sticking her tongue out in disgust before tossing the croissant into the nearby trash bin, Muffet nodding a little.

"Agreed."

"But then we get to this. Your "number two" on your menu, the second best seller after your cider. "Number Two: Crumby Spider Donut". Crummy...is right. It's very, VERY crunchy, and am I right in thinking..." Twilight hesitated. "That there are REAL SPIDERS in here?"

"Yes, some little ones."

Pinkie Pie, who HAD been halfway through eating another donut, suddenly stopped, visibly turning a bright shade of green before slowly opening up her mouth, going "Gaaaaah' as the half-eaten remains of the donut slid down, down, to plop onto her plate, pushing it far away from her with her hooves.

Twilight tried to go on. "...what SORT of spiders?"

"Dead ones."

"Were they at least COOKED before they got put into the donuts?" Twilight asked in an exasperated tone, holding a hoof up to her head, purple mane shaking back and forth as she groaned, Muffet shaking her head.

"No."

"What, RAW SPIDERS?" Twilight asked, scarcely able to believe her ears.

"We choose only the finest, juciest baby spiders  carefully chosen and brought from the Spider Kingdom's specialized webs, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then promptly sealed within a divinely delicious,  quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate glaze envelope after being lovingly frosted with powdered sugar and put into the ready-to-be-fried-in-cooking-oil donuts. A time-honored tradition going back centuries to my grandmother Shelob!" Muffet remarked in a dramatic way, gesticulating with her many hands as Twilight smacked her forehead and tugged it downward.

"That's all well and good, but they're still SPIDERS!? Isn't that cannibalism?"

"My dear, the Dogaressa and the Dogamy that are part of My Majesty King Asgore's Royal Guard have been married fifty six years and they're brother and sister. This kind of thing happens with our species all the time. A spider's favorite food...is spiders." Muffet reasoned with a smile and a wink.

"Don't you at least take the legs off?!" Twilight mumbled out, now turning a little green herself as Pinkie Pie was now beginning to inch her chair further and further out of the door, going BUMP-BUMP-BUMP with every little jump.

Muffet shrugged. "If we took the legs off, they wouldn't be CRUNCHY, would they?"

"Spike ATE one of those!" Twilight remarked, gesturing at the long-suffering Spike as he rushed off for the bathroom, now turning greener than the scaly crest atop his head before the sounds of vomiting could be heard echoing through Sugarcube Corner. "I have to protect the public, Muffet! Ponies aren't going to think there are REAL spiders in this thing! Spike thought it was a type of candy! You have to make sure the words "Real spiders" are included on that warning outside!"

"...it's not a WARNING, it's an advertisement..." Muffet said, now looking genuinely hurt as she pouted slightly, arms hung at her sides.

"Not to mention there's no indication of what goes INTO your food. You need to have nutritional information laid out like the Cakes do." Twilight added as she gestured at pamphlets on the wall, Muffet scratching her head. "So is there anything else that goes into your donuts I should know about?"

"Oh, wait! I made a pamphlet like that!" Muffet remarked cheerily, reaching into her pantaloon pockets and whipping out a pamphlet, giving the bright red and purple thing to Twilight as she poured over it. "See? All the nutritional information."

"Hmm. Wait, what's this at the bottom? WEBBING?!" Twilight gasped out, the alicorn's mouth hung open just as Spike re-entered the room, wiping his mouth only to hear his dear friend's next words. "You use webbing?! And it's at the bottom under "monosodium glutamate"!" She proclaimed. "Why is there webbing in your croissants? No WONDER they taste so odd! They ought to get a big red label on them that screams "WEBBING"!"

"Well I have to keep the consistency of the biscuits strong somehow." Muffet remarked with another shrug.

"Why don't you just use NORMAL ingredients!?" Twilight groaned. "Croissants are supposed to have flour, water,  active dry yeast, milk, melted butter, cold unsalted butter and SALT! Not...not webbing and SPIDERS and...I mean...where's the pleasure in eating webbing?! Who wants to eat something that came right outta your butt?!"

"Heyyyy." Muffet said with a frown. "Which one of your ponies looked at a cow's udders and said "I'm gonna drink whatever comes outta these things when I squeeze 'em"?"

"Oh come on, I've got nothing left to throw up but my nuts-GUUUHHHLAAAAUUUGGHHKKK!" Spike screamed out, barely making to the nearby trash can in time, emptying the contents of his stomach out once again as he sobbed in agony.

"In any case, you need to make changes to your offerings." Twilight sighed as she gently patted Spike on the back, stroking him softly to calm him down. "The fact is that if you don't, people just won't eat your food."

"But I've been doing it this way for so long!" Muffet complained, slightly tugging at her hair with her many hands. "I don't really KNOW how to cook with "normal" ingredients! And besides, nobody complained about my food before! The monsters love it!"

"Is that really true?" Twilight asked, looking surprised as Muffet headed out the door, pouting visibly. She'd just have to ask her fellow monsters to back her up, she was sure once they told everyone else about how good her food tasted, they wouldn't MIND what went into the donuts and the cider and the croissants. Yes, she was so, so sure.

How well did that work out?

...

...

...

..."And so then she says "People just won't eat your food"!" Muffet complained to Toriel, Queen of the Monsters as she sat in a cafe in Ponyville with the Queen as she munched on a grass pie. The white-furred, goat-like, well-groomed female monster calmly nibbled away on her piece, horned head peeking back up from her plate to look back at the distressed Muffet before cutting off another piece of the pie.

"I see. It must be quite hard to adjust to a new business venture, a new life." Toriel remarked. She was wearing a very nice-looking white and purple robe, with the "Delta Rune" insignia displayed over her chest. A flying circle and triangles below, the triangles representing monsterkind, with the circle representing an "Angel", the Lord of Resurrection who would give the Monsters new life by freeing them from the Underground. Or at least that's what they'd thought. The old language of the Monsters was something hardly anyone remembered. The word "Lazarus" had been used to describe the Angel in the Ancient Monster Tongue, and true! It did mean "Resurrection".

But it also meant "Death", so many monsters had feared that their "salvation" from the Underground would be that of an "angel" that would "free" them with the gift of Death. Luckily, it had been more metaphorical. The "Resurrection" had really meant "new life", not death, for their sweet little angel had freed them from the Underground and given them a new life on the Surface.

Hope had filled their hearts upon seeing it after so many eons. And now that hope had turned to excitement upon coming across Equestria. But you had to temper the audacity of hope with the reasonable expectations of reality. And the reality was change would be hard.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly lacking for money thanks to that wonderful little human child of yours." Muffet admitted as she put a hand on her chest and chuckled slightly. 'Frisk was positively wonderful in how much he donated to our cause. He's a true spider fanatic! But still, it'd be nice if these ponies understood how wonderful our food was!"

Toriel's face showed a very visible flinch, and Muffet suddenly stared, as if truly seeing Toriel for the first time. She bit her lip, and then looked deep into the queen's soft eyes.

"Y-You...don't think I need to change my ingredients...do you? You like my food, right?"

It had been the same question she'd asked of Sans the Skeleton, his brother Papyrus, Undyne, Head of Asgore's Royal Guard, Asgore the King of Monsters himself, Asriel, Toriel and Asgore's son...

And they all gave what would best be described as a "Concerto of Discomfort"."

"Um..."

"Well..."

"I..."

"So..."

"Uh..."

"HA!"

"Er..."

"I've..."

"UH..."

"See..."

"Uhhhh..."

"HAA!"

"Er..."

"That is..."

"WELL..."

"Maybe..."

"Errr..."

"HA...HAAAAA."

And then, finally...an answer repeated over and over again. Muffet, in desperation, decided to go to the one person she never, ever, EVER thought she would ask.

...Burgerpants, the Cat-like vendor of "Mettaton-Brand-Food" who had opened up a Mettaton store in Ponyville, not too far away from the delightful and snazzy Ms. Rarity's botique. The faint brown-skinned cat was smoking a cigarette, on his lunch break as a soft wind blew about him, ruffling his pink t-shirt as he leaned against the store's back walls. Seeing Muffet, the brownish/red-eyed cat nonchalantly took out the cigarette, blowing a perfect ring of smoke through the air that slowly puffed right over Muffet's head before he spoke.

"What would you give me if I blew a smoke puff and it landed right between your breasts?"

"A concussion. Now tell me something." Muffet demanded, one set of hands on her hips, another crossing her chest and the remaining ones gesticulating with a faint air of desperation. "My food, my cooking. Do you think I need to change it?"

"...oh...my...GOD." Burgerpants remarked, his dry witted tone changing to one of pure, unadulterated glee. "Y-you wait so long to hear a question like that and when it finally comes, y-you're...oh my God, I wanna wrap this moment up like a big ol' present! Happy birthday to ME!" He laughed. "You FINALLY asked me after all these years?! This is too good! So I'm gonna savor it."

He took in a long, deep breath, wafting in the air around him with his hands before finally smirking at her. "The answer is an unequivocal, never-been-so-sure-of-anything-in-my-life YES. And the fact you came to me means everyone else thinks so too. Am I right?"

Muffet hung her head.

"Now...if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work. Maybe you should start marketing your food to people trying to lose weight. One whiff of your croissants will make ANYONE lose their appetite."

"Go to HELL." Muffet snarled, black eyes flaring as Burgerpants gave her a wry smirk.

"Sorry, Muffet. Can't. I'm all outta vacation days."

...

...

...

... "You don't think I need to change my ingredients...do you?" Muffet asked Frisk as the Cakes watched the two talking in Sugarcube Corner's kitchen, the brown-haired Asian-American youth giving a spider a sugar cube which it eagerly took, scurrying off to go join its friends on a nearby countertop. Frisk sighed, then nodded.

"Definitely."

"But I thought people LIKED my food." Muffet sighed as she bit her lip, leaning back in the chair she had.

"People "liked" it because it was one of the few genuinely sweet things down in the Underground. So they overlooked the little problems it had because there wasn't that much food to begin with." Frisk admitted. "They kinda...just sucked it up. But it's different now." He said as he gestured around Sugarcube corner. "Equestria takes gold just like the Underground does. Everyone can just buy a normal donut or a lollipop or the like and they don't have to feel creeped out about eating spiders."

"I guess I just don't understand why people don't like the taste of spiders." Muffet mumbled as she hung her head, Mrs. Cake getting an idea as she walked towards her, the blue Earth pony putting down a piece of cake in front of her. "Huh? What's this?"

"Try it, honey." She remarked with a small smile, Muffet munching away at it before cringing.

"YECCCH. It's so thick and...blaaaah!" She practically spat out the contents, barely able to repress her gag reflect as she waved her hands in front of her mouth. "EWWW. What in Heaven's name is this?"

"It's called "carrot cake". Lots of ponies eat it. So do many humans, from what Frisk's told me." Mrs. Cake said as she gestured with a hoof, Mr. Cake's skinny frame ambling into the room as well as he put down a cookbook right in front of Muffet, pointing at recipe after recipe.

"Restaurants and shops like ours know how make grass donuts, hay cakes, flower pie...all of these are big favorites of ponies, big staples of people's diets in a lot of ways. But when we have the occasional Changeling customer, or a Minotaur or a Dragon or a Gryphon, well, we know they like something more meaty. So we'll make them things like this."

He flipped the page, showing off a dish that Muffet hadn't considered. Number Four on the page...Crunchy Frog.

"Is that a real frog?" She asked, pointing at the chocolate-covered frog on the page as Mr. Cake nodded.

"Yes, we also make chocolate-covered insects, flavored crickets, those are a BIG seller..." Mr. Cake read onward. "And the occasional meat pie. Sometimes the Applejack family will donate cow meat to us because they know occasionally we need to provide for other customers who's tastes are different than the rest. Everyone's different."

"And it was hard to learn how to handle it." Mrs. Cake admitted as she slightly cringed. "I remember the first time I made a meat pie for a Gryphon. I was shaking, holding the meat in my hooves, trying to cut it up on the table..." She went on, her voice getting lower. "And all I kept seeing was a cow's face right in front of me, I couldn't bring myself to do it at first. But then I thought about how hungry my customer was, and how they just wanted a little something to remind them of home, and what they ate there. So I focused."

She tapped the side of her head with a hoof, eyes closing. "I focused on their face. And I began cutting the meat, and I made the pie. And the customer, Gilda, loved it!"

"When you try to make the customers happy, it helps make YOU happy. But you have to be willing to try new things. Even if it occasionally might make you uncomfortable, you have to be open to trying new things. To adapt." Mr. Cake explained. "You gotta get with the times."

"Because the times, they are a-chaaaangiiiiin!" Frisk sang out, head bouncing slightly back and forth as Muffet giggled a bit.

"You are just too cute." She giggled. "But I guess you're right." The spider lady remarked with a sigh. "It'll just take me a while to learn how to cook without my usual ingredients. But how am I going to sell off all the other donuts and things I've made with spiders?"

"Hmm." Mrs. Cake paced back and forth, biting her lip thoughtfully. "...I think I have an idea."

...

...

...

... "Oh...oh my."

Twilight could scarcely believe it. But it couldn't be denied. A long, LONG stream of Changelings was now lining outside of Sugarcube Corner, and Queen Chrysalis was stuffing her face full of spider donuts, belly hung over her legs almost like a giant bean bag as she sat on a clearly-about-to-fall-apart chair just outside the shop. The Changelings were buzzing about excitedly, many exiting the store and guzzling down Spider Cider by the gallon as Chrysalis let out an unladylike belch.

"Ohhh, that is just so, SO good! It's been ages since I enjoyed a meal like that."

"You actually...LIKE eating spiders?" Twilight inquired, looking rather intrigued by this. Sure, the Ponies might have crafted a truce treaty with Chrysalis, but that didn't mean she really LIKED her. This was hard to swallow...no pun intended.

"Spiders and other creepy-crawlies were the first meals we ate after our species's birth. There's not a lot else to eat down in damp, dark caves." Chrysalis remarked with a wave of a hoof before letting out a belch. "Besides moss and the occasional fish in dark mountain lakes. So it was that, or spiders. And we chose spiders. Now insects are a regular staple of our diet when we're not dining on emotions!"

"So spiders are, like...comfort food to you." Twilight reasoned, scratching her head as Muffet walked out of the shop, bringing Chrysalis a large jug of golden spider cider to wash her meal down, Muffet also bringing out a small little pink donut that she held up for Twilight, a grin on her face. "What's this?"

"It's for you! Take it." Muffet said with a smile. "I'm almost utterly sold out of my spider ciders and donuts thanks to these fine folks. But they can't be my ONLY customers, so please. Tell me what you think."

Twilight nervously eyed the pastry before levitating it up with her horn, popping a chunk of it into her mouth before her eyes went wide as saucers. "It's...it actually tastes...GOOD." She murmured. "Nice and sweet, just the right amount of frosting, not too dry and not that sticky, I...I LIKE it!" She gasped out loud. "You made this? You?! Made THIS? Really?"

"Took me hours to get it just right, but I did it." Muffet said with a grin and a thumbs up. "Luckily Frisk helped me get the recipe juuuust right."

"Thank GOD for Save Points..." Frisk moaned out loud, dragging himself away from a nearby golden glow that faintly glittered behind him, having reset to a previous LOAD state precisely 76 times thanks to Muffet's trial-and-error cooking, the taste of aborted and badly-cooked donuts still lingering on his mouth.

But hey. It was better than spiders. Still...

He never wanted to see another donut as long as he lived.

[chaunceyandchumleysdad]

Riot Fest 2017 Wrap Up

This was my 5th consecutive year at Riot Fest. I was recently telling a friend that I get as excited about Riot Fest every year as I did about Christmas when I was a kid. How can you not like a three day party with awesome live music? I also love how this community of roughly 50,000 people a day gather at one spot to have fun and put the rest of their lives on hold for a bit. Many people also travel from all over the country to come to Riot Fest, so I consider myself most fortunate that it is based in my home town of Chicago which allows me the opportunity to attend every year.

Weather – I thought last year (2016) was the best ever Riot Fest from a weather perspective. This year may have topped last year depending on how you look at it. 2016 was the warmest and driest Riot Fest I had experience up to that point. Temps were hitting mid-to-upper 70’s during the day and the only rain was a brief light sprinkle on Friday afternoon. This year, no rain at all and hot weather! High temps were in the mid-80’s all weekend. I’m not sure how some of band members could stand to wear their stage costumes in the heat. A few different band members did comment on the heat including John Doe of X. And X is from Los Angeles! There were some nice periodic breezes, which helped. It was mostly good for me, but I cannot take a lot of intense sun. As a result, I had to pace myself a little more this year, spending some time in the shade, frequently slathering on sun block, more trips to the water station, and wee bit less alcohol than I might otherwise consume. It all worked out well. For the bands on my A-list, I hung at the stage in the sun. For some of my B-list bands, I would simply head into a shady area that still allowed me to see the stage from a distance while clearly hearing the music.

Mud (or lack there of) – Mud had been the bane of the first three Riot Fests I attended. Not a detriment to enjoying the festival, but a poor condition for walking or sitting on the ground. This year, no rain meant no mud. In fact, we had the opposite of mud with dry dirt sometimes getting kicked up into surrounding dust clouds, particularly near the stages when mosh circles developed. However, the wind typically would blow out the dust cloud so it was never a big issue.

Music and Bands I Regret Not Seeing -  My summaries of the bands I saw are in my separate day-by-day posts. Here are a few bands I did not see, but would have like to have seen if timing permitted: The Regrettes – yeah, I regret not seeing The Regrettes. They did just a 30 minutes set on the small stage at 6pm on Saturday and it was a time when I needed some food and the small stage was on the opposite end of the park from the food vendors. They are a young band so I am going to look for an opportunity to catch them sometime at a club show. Paramore and Minus The Bear – both A-List bands for me that I did not see due to “game time decisions.” I missed Paramore because I ended up staying for all off M.I.A. I enjoyed M.I.A., but I heard that Paramore was really good. Dirty Heads and Bad Brains – both B-List bands for me but I would have liked to see them if the scheduling had worked out differently. GBH and The Smith Street Band – there were a few bands that I had listed that were in the early time slots that I did not get to see because I didn’t make it to the grounds early enough on Saturday and Sunday. Of that list of bands, these were my two A-Listers.

Favorite Quotes:

Gogol Bordello: Front man Eugene Hütz referred to Chicago as “chick-UH-go” and Chicagoans as “chick-uh-cog-uh-AIN-ians.”

Jawbreaker: “Thanks Riot Fest for inviting us out of retirement. It’s tough getting good news when you don’t know what to do with it.”

Pennywise: “We have special guests today. Donald Trump and Melania are back stage. They’re drinking Russian vodka.”

GWAR: “I hope nobody has a job interview tomorrow!”

Cold Beat (during their mid-afternoon set) “We’re very happy to be playing night time music in a very non-night time environment.”

Danzig (referring to the heat): “It’s a mother fucker out here!”

That Dog (quotes by Anna Waronker,): re playing Retreat From The Sun in it’s entirety: “I’m worried about the clock and I want to get it all in. It’s like (being at) therapy.” And noticing a fan in the audience stretching: “Oh, that was a good stretch!”

Stages – The third year in Douglas Park, and just five stages this year; one less than 2016 two less than 2015 and three less than 2014. There were 90 bands this year compared to 122 in 2014, which I think may have been the peak. I don’t know why Riot Fest is shrinking but I would suppose they are cutting overhead for more profit. It may also have to do with the untimely death of Riot Fest co-founder Sean McKeough late last year. His co-founding partner Mike Petryshyn cited the canceling of the Denver edition of Riot Fest his year as a direct result of McKeough’s death as he did not feel he could manage two festivals this year without McKeough’s assistance. They are also catering a bit more to the VIP experience with more VIP areas including some cabana style “suites” set up near the main stages. Even at 90 bands, that is still way more than anyone can see in a three day period. Riot Fest is still one of the more reasonably priced rock music festivals around, so if cutting acts and stages helps keep the cost down, I’m not going to complain about it. The only thing I did miss is the having two small stages side-by-side. This year, there was just one small stage, The Heather Owen Stage. I do like that little remote corner of the grounds. Most of the early sets on the small stages are just 30 minutes. So with two stages, I would sometimes get to see four bands in two hours. With one stage, there is some down time between acts, so it was not quite the same experience as past years.

Time – For the most part, the bands respected the time and started and ended on time. While that is the norm by today’s standards, I can still remember going to concerts in the 70’s when bands either had no respect for start times, or the start times were non-existent. So I am always appreciative the professionalism of today’s Rock shows.

Services – A couple of big improvements this year. First and foremost, the Water Station was vastly improved. In the past, they ran a hose from one of the park water fountains and hooked up several satellite water fountains to the hose. That really cut the water pressure and made it very slow to fill up water bottles and it resulted in long lines and long waits. This year, they added a product called Quench Buggy. It is a portable filtered tank and once hooked up to a hose, the filled tank creates it’s own pressure so fill ups go considerably faster. And the dispensers are also bottle filler designed (along with some fountains) so that also makes it easier and faster. Given the heat we had to deal with this year, this new system could not have been more timely. The other cool thing was that they had beer vendors walking around the stage areas selling cold beer. I did not avail myself to their services as I prefer draught beer so I always made the walk to the All Rise tent, but nice to see that they had that option. Clean up was always good throughout the day. The grounds only start getting trashed later in the evening when attendance is at it’s peak and it’s too crowded and dark for the crew to do an effective job. Otherwise, they do an outstanding job.

Drinks – The All Rise Brewery which was started by the late Sean McKeough, was again the selected brewery for draught beers. I drank Wonder Beer all weekend which is a delicious APA and I believe named after the Naked Raygun song. I also enjoyed chatting with servers who were just awesome.

Food – As I have mentioned before, if you are a foodie, there is a lot to sample. I’m not so much of a foodie and at Riot Fest, I eat just once a day to get refueled.  Last year, I really liked the Guinness mac and cheese with pulled pork from Mrs. Murphy and Son’s Irish Bistro. I was disappointed that they did not have it this year. So instead, I tried their banger sandwich. It was bad, as the bread fell apart. I then discovered that Reggie’s had mac and cheese with pulled pork and with some added BBQ sauce and giardiniera, it was the perfect combination of carbs and protein to keep me going each and every day. 

Amusements & Shopping – There is the circus attractions and the vendors selling clothing and various wares. I walked around the vending area a bit. The coolest t-shirt I saw was one that mimicked the 1980’s Chicago White Sox logo but instead of a baseball bat, the character was holding a microphone and mike stand and it said “RIOT” where it would otherwise say “SOX.”

Exercise – According to my smart phone, I walked an average of 6.4 miles per day. On the other hand, I had a Riot Fest hangover and sucked in my Monday night racquetball league following the festival. But it was all worth it.

CTA – Wonderful again! The Blue and Pink Lines provided plenty of trains with little wait.

Neighborhood – I enjoyed walking through the Douglas Park area in the old West Side neighborhood of Lawndale.  Upon arrival each day, I walked up California Avenue on the edge of Little Village, and when returning each evening, I would walk down Kedzie Ave. through the South Lawndale neighborhood. Kedzie was more lively with neighbors selling food in their front yards. On Sunday night, I stopped by a small church on Kedzie for a Polish sausage and fries and ate the food under the “L” station at Kedzie and 21st while watching Riot Fest fans funnel into the station.

Crowd – The Riot Fest crowd is always awesome. I did not see anyone that was causing trouble or that looked over-the-top wasted. Just a great community of “Punks” hanging together for three days of music and fun.

Style – There were some great Punk styles this weekend including some awesome spiked Mohawk hairstyles. My favorite hair was the young lady with the watermelon hair. It was green on the sides, pinkish red on top, and it had little black “seed” spots at symmetrical points on top. I wish I had gotten a picture of it. It was very cool. Not that I’m stylish by any stretch, but for me, it was the second year in a row that I had to abandon my pseudo-Punk attire in favor of dry-fit shorts and t-shirts for comfort in the heat.

Thanks!!! – Reiterating from last year, I want to say thanks to all the bands that came to our fine city. Thanks to all the park maintenance crews, vendors, paramedics, and security, and much thanks to the Chicago Police and Fire Departments. Thanks also to Mayor Emanuel and the Lawndale City Council members for their cooperation and support. Thanks to St. Anthony Hospital and Mount Sinai Hospital for their three days of tolerance and for their dedication to caring for people. And most of all, thanks to the Douglas Park neighbors for allowing us “Rockers” to take over your park for 3 days during one of the finest seasonal times of the year in Chicago.

[thesecretlifeofmerribethc]

MY GOODNESS. WHY AM I SLACKING :’( sorryyyyy

OK wow, last post was April 8!!!! Disappointed in myself. Yes, I’ve been lazy.... and not just in posting here, but in life in general :P anyway, here I go playing catch up, AGAIN.

4.9.19 - got up late and prepared dad's shake n stuff. At like 4:30 ish manong came and I drove him to school taking the side streets. Chilled in the parking lot for like 20 min then we left. Ate dinner at Ikea and then from there I drove and took 275 home! It was a nice, smooth drive lol (PTL I drove like 7 pm, almost 8). Got home and marv and i watched the first episode of OPM season 2!!!!

4.10.19 - got up late again. Prepped dad's stuff as usual. Thought I was gonna drive/go to the gym with manong but he changed his mind lol. Went with mom to pick up Marvin and Manang. Was gonna walk at the park but it was cold and windy so we went home. Got home and took out the trash from the basement along with the usual trash. Painted in the dining while waited for mom to cook the milk fish. Watched get smart while painting.

4.11.19 - guess what! Woke up late again lolll. Ate tinola with mom and dad, then washed dishes, then got ready to get Marvin. Got Marv and then Manang and then went straight to HFMH to visit today Agnes. She got discharged just in time so we drove her home on our way to prayer meeting but before that, she treated us out to taco Bell. Got home after stopping by 7-11 and withdrawing money for my BLS class tomorrow. Also filled the tires with air. Did 1.5 miles on the elliptical then I drove manong and I to Meijer to get some stuff. Now I'm homeee

4.12.19 - Woke up early and manong took Marvin and I. Dropped Marv to school and then manong and I made our way to the Health Strategies building in Taylor for my BLS. It was raining! But also, finally got to see Danielle!! <3 It’s been so long, and she lost weight! Anyway, passed the multiple choice (25 questions, open book) with 100% lol. After the BLS manong picked me up and we went to Subway where he did a store. I ate a flatbread club with bacon then went to the car where I watched a lot of Conan vids (with Steven Ho). After that we went to Starbucks but then it was busy so we didn’t stay or buy anything. Decided to go to tim Hortons on Eureka, across from Aldi and we had coffee and donuts. Sat there for a good hour and a half or so then I drove from Tim Hortons to Tropical Smoothie. Got a Mango something and only paid $3.49 (or well manong paid lol). Thankfully it was Happy Hour (from 5-7 p.m. M-F) so in total our drinks were like $7.50. After that I drove from Topical Smoothie home. Got home and then manong and I walked around the neighborhood. Didn’t have power at home so we decided (mom and I) to go walk in the park and then go to Ne’s afterwards. Manong stayed home to finish his art project, so manang drove us to the park on Hall road. Walked for a good hour then went to Ne’s. Had corn beef for dinner and just chilled there until almost 2 a.m. Also ligo there too. Manong came around 9 or 10? But yeah, long day!

4.13.19 - Went out for lunch for manong’s bday at IKEA. Got a plate of meatballs. Didn’t walk around as much or buy anything. After IKEA, manong went home because he had to rest and get ready for dinner with his friends. The rest of the fam and I went to the filipino store where marv and I just stayed in the car with dad and watched conan vids. Manang bought a bunch of pancit canton but was paid by PJ and Si to get them lol. Dad then went to 7-11 and I helped him wash the car. After that he and mom dropped the 3 of us to Southland where we waited for our friends (Josh, PJ, and Jovel). At the mall I bought manong boxers and socks for his birthday xD (it was all I could afford). Waited for a while for Jovel, but once she came we rode in her car and went to Mcdonalds across the street. Only got a cup of water and a cheeseburger, but shared the fries and chicken nuggets. After that Marv and I rode with PJ, while manang rode with Josh. PJ and us stopped by tropical smoothie and he bought Marv and my drink which we shared. Got to Daen’s and Si was there too and watched TV before playing MP7 (PJ and I were SO close to winning if I had only rolled a 4 :(((( ). Then we played Jackbox. It was so funny. Left Daen’s at like 1 a.m.

4.14.19 - Manong’s birthday!! I drove to chase bank lol. Church was good. Only had Johanna as my student. It was a long women’s meeting. Played with the kids, specifically Paul, Johanna, and Eireen. We were taking turns hiding Johanna’s toy and looking for it. But before that I was watching Kaleb. We also watched COCO. After that, manang and marv rode with mom and dad, while I drove with manong. I drove from church to West rd. Took 696 to 75 all the way. Stopped by the bank and then Mcdonald’s, where I treated manong to an ice cream cone. Got home and rested. Manong left and met up with kuya Jeff. He’s gonna start working out and doing a meal plan! So proud of him. :)

4.15.19 - Walked with mom, manang and Marv for a good 50 minutes. Stopped by Target real quick. I bought water, then went to Bath and body works to redeem my free lotion. Noticed my earlobes were itchy and found out I had like a bump kinda like a mosquito bite. It was red and inflammed, and blistered... mostly on my right earlobe. My left wasn’t that bad... it was more like a dot. It definitely got a reaction from wearing the clip on earrings I got from the women’s conference. So weird tho because I know the earrings are from Avon, and avon claims all jewelry is nickel-free but idk!!! I definitely got a reaction. Didn’t get a reaction from my black earrings but prob cuz they’re stainless steel. So yeah, I’m suffering from itchy ears. Been cleaning and applying aquafor and neosporin.

4.16.19 - Stayed home today (like didn’t go with mom to pick up Marv and manang lol). Did the usual stuff, prepare dad’s shake, coffee, lunch and uniform. Cleaned the house and made myself a 2 glasses of protein shakes lol. Folded my clothes while watching Ponyo. After that I watched Ant Man and the Wasp with the sibs and mom and it was actually really good! I enjoyed it lol

4.17.19 - Walked with mom, Marv and manang. Stopped by Aldi after that, then GFS, Meijer for pineapples and sushi, and Walmart. I did most of the stuff since the sibs were tired, like gas up the car, get the pineapples, get the groceries in Walmart, push the cart at Aldi, etc. Oh when mom was at GFS, Marv treated manang and I for coffee at Tim Hortons. The lightning was very bright today too on our way home.

4.18.19 - Dad and I watched the fight scene in Wakanda to the end from Avengers: Infinity War. Then we watched Scenes from Get Smart. lol Dad and I went to get Marv from school. Manong picked up Manang. Painted Mob and Saitama. Then I played Stardew Valley (yeah marv downloaded it for me on his PSVita lol). Went with dad to Walmart and got some groceries. Came home and baked the pizza and it was okay lol. Made myself a fruit smoothie!

4.19.19 - Woke up early today to drive manong to his work in Plymouth (on N. Sheldon rd near Einstein bros). Took 275 to 96. Getting more confident although I make some little mistakes here and there. Once we got to the Subway I stayed in the car for like an hour or so and played more stardew valley lol. Then I got money from manong and walked to Wendys where I got a 4 for $4. Then I got coffee at Einstein bros. Then I walked to Busch’s. Walked around then went back to the car. Manong then drove and we went to Marshalls in Canton for manong to buy clothes for tonight’s Good Friday service at Taylor. Got home then I went straight to my room to start preparing for sunday school stuff. Then I ligo and got ready. Wore the yellow shirt manong got me from Marshalls. Left the house at 6:20 and got to Taylor. Members of our church were there on time too! The Cruz’s, Salamats, Duculans, tito boyet and tita Ana were there. The service was long, but good. Loved the preachings by the different pastors on the 7 Sayings of Jesus. Dad had the last saying (Father, into your hands I commit my spirit) and he did a wonderful job. Ne was also there and she sat with us in the pews. Ate and then talked with Caleb and Hannah. Then went upstairs and talked to kuya karlo.  Left and went home. I was soooo tired. Dozed off in bed with my makeup still on. Got up around 12 a.m. and washed my face and brushed my teeth.

4.20.19 - Woke up ate 8 am!!! Ahhh. Drove manong to school. Took 275 to 94. Stayed in the car but only for like 20 minutes because manong forgot he didn’t have class today for the holiday. Drove manong’s classmate Jim, who’s an older, retired senior, home. Then we went to Belleville. Stopped by dollar tree where I got stuff for sunday school. Then we went to Walmart and Aldi. Stopped by Wendys for me so I could eat (4/$4) and then home. Once I got home I went straight to bed. I was soooo tired. Woke up at 3:30 and dad was getting ready for work :(( Chilled in the living room while mom cooked. Ne came and she brought desserts. Ate and talked to Ne, then I went to hem my jumpsuit for tomorrow. Then I prepared my sunday school stuff. At 6:30 the sibs and I left. I drove to Panera bread in woodhaven while the boys went to Planet fitness. Manang and I had good conversation in Panera. She bought us coffee, a big cookie, and a bagel with cream cheese. Left panera (manong got us) at 8:20. Went to Target and then home. At home I played piano, then folded clothes. Mom had her nails done by manang. Then I finished preparing my stuff for tomorrow. Re-hemmed my jumpsuit, though I think I’m gonna re-do it again tomorrow :P lol. Helped manong find the right key for tomorrow’s P&W. Now I’m about to sleep! Goodnight!

Life, I’m lovin’ it, Bebet

[of-another-broken-heart]

today was... long. 

once I finally got to sleep, I managed to stay that way until like... 3 pm? I think? 

I got woken up because the kids’ father put on some DVD that was just a bunch of loud music videos or something. It was a song that reminded me of lil sis, though, so my first assumption was that she was blasting music because she was home “alone.” I thought mom was at work, bro was at a friend’s place, and the kids’ father was out of the house. The only part of that I got right was mom being at work. 

I ate the last of the leftover stew for lunch. I was scared it had spoiled, but it seemed to be fine after I reheated it. 

I made myself a cup of coffee, which went wrong in pretty much every way possible. Tried to measure out the coffee grinds - almost put a whole extra spoonful in. Poured water into the reservoir and pressed “ON” - then realized the coffee filter basket was sitting on the counter. The maker gurgled its way through “brewing” which I had to help by unclogging the drip hole - which kept getting blocked up by grinds that were directly in the drip area instead of suspended a little bit above in the filter basket. I had to carefully wait for the whole thing to drain, remove my cup, unplug it, disassemble the top lid, rinse it all off/out, replace the filter, use a second cup, pour the coffee through the filter, rinse my cup, transfer my coffee back into my cup, and then re-rinse the filter basket and other cup. THEN I went to add some creamer, only to find the bottle hadn’t been opened yet and the foil seal was fucking SUPERGLUED down. I literally had to use a pair of needle-nose pliers to unpeel the damn thing. Like a sardine can, y’know? I grabbed the “pull tab” and then rotated backwards 

I barely drank any of the coffee all day. The cup is still down here, still half full. 

I used some compressed air to clean out some of the dust in my pc tower. Then I slapped it back together (it’s very easy access actually - one screw, and the side panel is free to unclip and slide off) and got to settling my desk again. I decided to plug my speakers back in. I also decided I didn’t want my USB hub on my desk any more, so it’s being stealthy behind one of my monitors, chilling on top of my tower. I went ahead and plugged in my webcam again. Didn’t really have plans to use it, but figured “why the hell not?” 

Then I tried to test it out. 

That went poorly. 

Trying to use the Logitech software to Quick Capture with it gave me a BSOD. 

Twice. 

(I wanted to make sure it was the same thing causing it, and not, y’know, my hard drive actually failing)

Took to google, and it seems to be a combination of Logitech’s software and drivers being buggy as hell and at odds with some sound settings/drivers I have set to have precedence over the Logitech ones. I think, specifically, it’s because I keep my condenser mic plugged in, and set as my default sound input device. Logitech webcam w/ built-in mic doesn’t like that. 

Freaked me the hell out and I was super stressed and shit, but an hour or two of research had me simply resolved not to try to use my webcam any time soon. At least, not while my mic’s plugged in. Probably. 

I tried to clean a bunch down here, too. I made... some? progress? I guess. I put all my dirty laundry in a basket, vacuumed a little, put some trash into recycle piles, reorganized my pantry and snack stashes, played with my violin a bit (I really need to save a bit of money to take it to the music shop in town and get it tuned and/or restrung... I’m still missing the D string I broke the last time I tried to tune it myself) and started trying to put some more clothes away. 

Then I found out why the bottom drawer of this one dresser squeaks so horribly when I try to use it. 

The entire back of the bottom came unstapled and was chilling on the ground. And it didn’t like the idea of getting shoved back up to fit through the drawer hole. 

If you build a dresser, and each drawer can’t handle being full of folded jeans, it’s a BAD DRESSER and that shit needs to be fixed. I am so damn tired of this particular feature in dressers. Like, sure - the sixty-buck particle board one I got from Walmart? I get it. Understandable. I got what I paid for. This particular dresser, however, is fucking solid wood and hand-made and it’s supposed to be the good shit but it’s just being shit. UGH. 

I pulled the whole drawer out, emptied it, flipped it over, and stacked all my jeans on it to try to un-warp it. My jeans weren’t heavy enough. FUCK KNOWS WHY - they were heavy enough to bust it DOWN in the first place, but not enough to bring it back???? FUCK. So I stacked my “end table” basket on it, too. (the basket is mostly sleep aids, pain killers, and hand lotion - shit that would be on/in a side table if I had a ~complete bedroom~ or whatever). That brought it most the way down. 

I was going to make my bed again, and do some tote shuffling. I bought this giant tote about a year ago, designed for holding an artificial christmas tree and decorations. It’s got wheels and snaps together really well - so I figured it’d be great so mom could stop using the beat-to-shit boxes she has to juggle up and down from the attic. But, she said this tote is too big, and never used it, soooo I was gonna use it. First I had planned to put some MH stuff in it. But, I don’t want to unpack anything from the boxes I carefully Tetris’d already. So I figured I’d put all my blankets and sheets in it! Because the tote I have for that is currently cracked open because it has wimpy clasping power. And also I own more bedding that I need. Like... 4-5 complete sets?? Two of them I’ve had since middle school. Anyway, they don’t fucking fit in that tote, and I’ve actually had a small pile (from my giant laundry fiasco) that never got put away at all. So, big tote seems a fine candidate for all that. 

Except I didn’t get that far. 

I ended up bringing my bro over to one of his friend’s houses a little after 6. I spent three bucks on myself at McD’s. Got a burger and fries. Ate in the parking lot, in my car. 

Tonight was also the memorial/fundraiser. Mom checked in with me to see if I wanted to go before she left, but I was still in the middle of tidying some things up, hadn’t brushed my hair or changed out of my pajamas... and I really couldn’t afford the $20 entry thing, and probably would have felt really out of place and/or depressed as fuck there. So I declined. Didn’t go. 

I guess I kinda zoned out off and on today, too. I’m not sure. Maybe not? I kept busy for the most part... 

Mom got back home around 11. She ended up winning some of the fundraiser items - a starbucks basket, and an “Italian” one (some wine, some pasta, some sauce) - so that was neat. I went to pick up bro at that point. I’d been on standby since 10, waiting for a message or something because I’d asked how long he planned to be over, and he’d said probably until 10. I didn’t know if he was allowed to stay later, or if I was being an asshole adult by leaving him there an hour past the time he was welcome... but I figured better late than never, and it’s not a school night, so if they were having a good time, and the adults involved were cool, and extra hour was fine. 

Turned out his friend’s brother(? - I think) was going to give bro a ride home, but I got there before they left. Oh well. 

Here I am 3 hours later and I feel like I just auto-piloted to this moment, and have been slowly going through my rechargeable batteries and getting them all juiced back up. 

But I’m going to try to sleep now. Soon. 

The women’s march today was... a thing. I cried at some of the news. In joy, mostly. Also in guilt. Regret. Shame. Inadequacy. Feeling a lot of ways all at once. More than usual, I mean. 

[trilliamlou]

My heart is full

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this happy and this right. In a life lived by shameful indulgence against twisted duty in a foreign land, these moments of clairvoyance and fulfillment are few and far between. 

I woke up next to George and the piercing sirens of the smoke detector on Friday. Grease from the pre-seasoned chicken breasts had drizzled onto the oven elements in our Tobermory cottage, whipping up a toxic smoke that filled our villa. More shrill still was the easily frustrated commands of my mother, who displaced her innocent guilt in forgetting the drip pan into screaming at the rest of the inhabitants who tuned her out long ago. 

That morning I was able to show my leadership, just as I did the night before. I followed up Thursday’s dinner with Friday’s lunch. To me, these moments are wholly insignificant since I’ve been self-sufficient for going on three years, but parents will always be parents and the bar for applause is shockingly low. They praised my adaptability to the mastery of white food that had always eluded them. My dad, for example, scrambled all the eggs that were meant to become fried luncheon between the bagels, but I maneuvered quickly by substituting with slices of the smoke-honed chicken. That’s some basic shit.

Our first stop of the day was Singing Sands beach. The weather cleared up right after I was soaked from buying seven ponchos I had no use for, but that’s a small price to pay for good weather. The beach played great host for the family of eight as the low water levels gave accessibility to accommodate everyone from the easily-exhaustible grandparents to my physically frail aunt. Grandpa told me fantastical horror tales from the Great Leap Forward, explaining that he escaped hunger by eating poached potatoes while dodged death by wolves. Nobody takes him seriously in his older years, which becomes a problem when he’s desperate to impart his experiences onto the next generation. We waded into the water, mom and auntie got in some quality sibling bonding time, and we happily ate lunch after taking a frog-filled detour through the conservation boardwalk.

The next attraction was the grotto, which was a series of caves that dipped into the translucently green waters. We split into two parties. My dad and I chaperoned Ava and George for an exploratory swim into the caves, then hiked around the cliffs to marvel at daredevil leapers. Mom and auntie took the grandparents for a hike and spotted a garter snake. The day flew by fast and it was back to the city.

Dad and I formed the navigation team for the lead car. With no air conditioning and the grandparents dozing in and out of sleep, we filled the silence with a 3-pack CD set of Chinese soft rock hits from the 80s and 90s. All of them were trash except this unintentional Tom Petty tribute by 田震 called 執著. 

We stopped at Inglis Falls on the way home. It was quite beautiful, only I was distracted with Tobi. As I shared with her my adventures, she re-imagined them with her girlfriend. I was jealous and petty because I wanted to take her to Tobi-mory as recently as last year before we settled on Prince Edward County, In a bit of spite cheaply masked by a self-flagellant bit of humor, I hurt myself to hurt her, and of course Tobi saw straight through it because she’s incisively perceptive and because she’s seen my bullshit way too many times. She challenged me.

It wasn’t the best time to tell her, in fact it might have been the worst, but it was suddenly clearer in that moment than during any of the previous two years of confusion. I wanted her and I wanted her to want me. I came right out with it. No bullshit and as honest as possible. I told Tobi how I’ve felt. I told her that the August we spent together back in 2015 left me wanting ever since. I told her how my racism and homophobia led me to run. I told her how much I’ve regretted that decision since. I told her how we became best friends and helped each other make it safely into the newest chapters of our lives. I told her how she makes me feel, which is purely content and giddily happy, and how I wanted her going forward. 

It all came out at once at the worst time with the worst logistics. Tobi was in Amsterdam preparing for an early flight to Madrid, she just told me she was in love with her girl, there’s another two girls waiting on the side, I’m her roommate and her best friend, and this all came across on Facebook Messenger. I always thought I would tell her everything on a rain-soaked night while we frolicked about in ponchos. I’d kiss her and tell her how I wanted her. This wasn’t close. All I could do was snap a photo of the puddles in the street with a cheesy caption.

She put me on hold. I was good with that. I loved Tobi unconditionally and she was unavoidable so there was no threat to flee. She needed to sleep and quite frankly, I needed to say something to my dad since I was being awfully rude. We navigated home through rainbows and thunderstorms to have the ultimate Chinese crisis meal: instant noodles. It was just like the first night we arrived in Canada. Dad then drove me home.

The first order of operations was to write. I always want to write because it’s how I communicated and how I reflect most honestly. I wrote a letter to Tobi explaining how I felt, what I wanted, and what she could do, this time with more of my signature overzealous charm. Having suffered paralysis by shame for so many years, I was struck by a rare moment of decisiveness where I asked for exactly what I wanted. I hit send with great relief and great satisfaction before walking out the door in my best outfit to a friend’s birthday party nearby.

Sweating ruins everything, but this party was doomed from the start. There’s nothing sadder than an 80s video game bar. Sorry, but any rational person would rather be at home immersed in Uncharted 4 as opposed to competitive Tetris. Just admit you’re washed and sad about the future not having a place for you in it. Happy birthday, Reynolds? Anyway, I was distracted still by the needy figure of Arun all whilst my mind remained on Tobi. I saw that she was active but had said and read nothing. My love letter hung in the breeze as my challenge went unnoticed. I want to blame the sweating on my anxiety but honestly I should see a doctor. It’s bad.

She finally responded with the vaguest of messages. “Hi will” the text read, which could lead to anything. I braced for the worst and repeated that I was okay with whatever outcome. I didn’t see it coming. Tobi was naturally conflicted, but she wanted me back. She had feelings for me, too. Everything was a blur and my timing couldn’t be worse but she felt what she felt which was that she felt something strongly towards me. She got on a plane and I suffered through a sleepless night in which my hyperactive brain woke me up every 30 minutes to check for messages. I hardly slept a wink since I was so excited.

We talked extensively the morning after before I went to dim sum with the family. We gave parameters and clarity to our feelings: we wanted each other to want each other, we would leave room to allow each other to try, and we’ll go from there. She wasn’t going to leave her other partners and I didn’t want her to. I just wanted to see where it could go and the idea of that made her happy. Our conversation was once again cut short by mass transportation as I ducked sleepily into the subway.

Dim sum is always a good time. Grandpa likes being catered to, my dad got to indulge in all the odd appendages of his farm-fed fantasties, and George and I were able to team up on Ava and trick her into eating cow stomach. It’s true: even Chinese people can gross themselves out with the food we eat. Once full off delicacies I discussed birthday gift plans for Ava and George with mom, then shepherded the grandparents onto the subway.

Buying gifts for Ava was easy. She said earlier in the week that she wanted Golden State Warriors gear so I bought her a hat. You can’t call her a bandwagon fan when she lives in Palo Alto. That was easy. So was the stereotypically boring gifts from the Chinese parents. Two binders for school? That’s so sad. At least the trip to Staples inspired the idea of buying a gamer headset for George. Playing Santa is fun, especially since I was in a position to spoil the kids. They’re good kids that could use some spoiling. I felt like a proud older brother.

I returned home with the intention of bridging the sleep gap with a nap but Tobi had other ideas. She grew warm to the idea of being with me as I had been on her mind constantly as she was on mine. She was giddy and I was too. We swapped nudes and I jerked it for the second time that day in honor of her. Yes, ejaculation can be a form of honor for men. I never slept but I was happier for it.

Back to Etobicoke for dinner with me in the role of Santa carrying their gifts in my backpack. I shared a parental counselling talk with Auntie about how identity struggles will come to define Ava’s life as a first-generation Chinese-American. Then I took in Ava and George’s strings practice as they planned a duet performance later that night. 

After dinner I talked more with Tobi, only the topic moved onto her girlfriend potentially testing positive. That led to a phone call between us that started off tearful, but ended with soft kisses over the phone. I had missed her voice so much and even though it was a tough subject, I couldn’t help but smile as her soft purr filled my ears. I was relieved that we were at the same place and that I no longer had to hide. Her corny ass even sent me a photo of her smiling in which she looked so beautiful. I couldn’t wrap my mind around me making her that happy. She went to sleep shortly thereafter. 

The recital was wonderful, and made more wonderful still when Dad indulged Mom for a dance to their waltz. George and Ava gave a determined performance and so too did my parents, who oozed happiness in their own ways. Dad giggled uncontrollably while Mom stoically looked into his eyes with a soft smile that conveyed total satisfaction. Their hearts were full. The music was wonderful. George played the role of big brother beautifully as he coaxed Ava to overcome her shyness, while also showing face to the family. I couldn’t have been more proud of both of them, but especially George, who I have been diligently drilling since he was very young to escape the trap of being the classic diva younger brother. 

https://streamable.com/3e1hv

Cake and gifts brought everyone together for story time with the family. Auntie couldn’t convince Grandpa to share his story of hardship so I wove a fantastical tale of how he beat starvation and a pack of 20 wolves with his bare hands as an infant. The family was screaming in laughter over an otherwise tragic experience. My parable led Grandma to share her story of sharing food rations with Grandpa, which in turn led Grandpa to unclench over his bitterness towards an admittedly bitter time in his life. Mom, Dad and Auntie shared their gripes, and it was our turn to speak. I could only speak to the feeling of being without a home in our disaporic search for identity, and to my great surprise, George came in to reinforce the point. I am so proud of that boy. Everyone bonded.

Our night ended as many Chinese gatherings do: with a spirited game of cards. Grandpa religiously avoids any temptations of sin so he retreated, leaving the rest to play president. I was growing obsessed so 執著 was played on loop given half a chance and to my surprise, Auntie knew all the lyrics. We belted out the lyrics as Mom flashed that same look of peaceful content. She was surprised I picked out that song from the 3-pack CDs, and quite honestly I was too embarrassed to ask why since I didn’t know the history. I merely savored our moment of connection and proceeded to cheat my way into presidency as I typically do. Never let me deal. The night ended with Auntie and Ava wishing me goodbye, and I couldn’t wait to see them again over Christmas. Dad drove me home and we talked Milton FC. That’s how I got here. 

In this moment my heart is full. I am at peace with my family, as they are with me. I’m so proud of everyone, of our history, of our future and our heritage. From one generation to the next we were united. Their names, their customs and their values will live on through me, through Ava, and through George. And the girl I’ve wanted for two years is my best friend and she wants me back. 

May this day live forever.