#re the last sentence i guess if you do wanna fuck your way up thats a win in their eyes but im sorry

[0ystercatcher]

atp i dont even think fucking your boss is evil or whatever but. does he not see how this is insane and a weird legal liability. why do men continue to do this shit so overtly. like ok you want to fuck the intern, she wants to fuck you back. great. then you hire her to exec team. but this is after you had sex with her so any argument of genuine proficiency or good performance is now extremely questionable. your judgement is obviously no longer trustworthy. like how does anybody know if shes genuinely smart and worth the position or if she literally just got sex dolled into it. which, idc what anyone says, is obviously unfair and a waste of someone elses legit talent and skill. pussy should not get you the job lol. you open youself up to crazy questioning and for what. also, what happens to her career if its known she just got the job bc of pussy, or not. its so stupid. i get he can just not care bc hes a millionaire but why wouldnt she. assuming she was perfectly willing to do this which, she v well may have been, idk. how do you cope w knowing pussy got you the job of your life. id feel kind of. idk. lame. stupid. whatever. the other case is even worse. you ask someone to have your kids MULTIPLE TIMES lol and she says no. then you deny her a raise and whine abt performance. how can anyone believe anything you could have to say about her after you unsuccessfully and annoyingly ask her to bear your children. how is this not a massive lawsuit just waiting to get you. he could be right too like he could be completely right about performance etc but it doesnt matter now bc theres a history of him being a freak creep at her multiple times so how do you know thats even what matters. how do you know her performance didnt take a hit after being asked by her boss to have his kids multiple times. like once again hes a billionarie so consequences are irrelevant to a point but this is crazy how are you this...stupid. both women lose out on both positions anyways which is what always gets to me like theres no way for them to win if this game is even played at their direction.

[my-motherflippin-blog-son]

i don’t wanna think about why i fight this time. That was exhausting. And I know its supposed to be that way. But Im starting to feel like each fight is wearing me down more and more. Sometimes its easier than other. but over all, after the waters has calmed down, I feel more of a craving for distractions. I don’t wanna think anymore i just wanna shove food in my face and watch a fun TV show. Even while writing this i keep finding myself getting distracted by TV or a craving for comfort food or to play with a trinket.

Irony is funny. Just as i finished typing that last sentence i got distracted by the show i was watching. Season 4 episode 4 of Steven Universe called mindful education i think (im catching up). and a few minutes in they had a song. And the song was more or less about anxiety and fixation and intrusive thoughts and how a person might have a problem but someone who cares about them is there to help them deal with it.  And while i thought it was ironic it was talking about fixation and how a relationship functions when theres anxiety, I also cried like a baby.  And I hate that it got to me cause its fucking Steven universe i shouldn't be crying to fucking Steven universe AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT IVE EVEN SEEN THE CLIP OF THE SONG ONCE BEFORE  but it was so fucking relevant that i just felt it. There was this one sequence with ruby and sapphire that fucking got me. this butterfly captures Ruby’s attention, gets pestered by it, and then runs off shouting it. And sapphire is left by herself and a swarm of butterflies swarm around her and overwhelm her.  And its not until Ruby takes a step back and calms down that she lets go of her issue with the one butterfly and realizes whats going on with Sapphire. Her issue didn't matter anymore and all she cared about was how sapphire felt. And All I could think about was Camaryn. just the image of sapphire being overwhelmed by all the intrusive thoughts and anxiety made me think of how Camaryn gets overwhelmed, specifically those times when she shuts down and cant find the words. And I saw myself as ruby I guess. As the one who is often first to become more objective and realize, “oh my issue isn’t worth it”. And then all I care about is her. How I feel doesn’t really matter when something is bothering her. Sometimes it takes me time to get to that point but Id like to think I always get there. 

Tonight wasn’t about coming over. And I don’t think it was really about communication issues or a lack of caring. I think we both knew that. I got so wrapped up in trying to make sure that she understood that Im not as bad as she was saying i was to realize what her issue actually was (i mean i think i knew but i never really focused in on it). I think her issue was that suggesting to hang out so late in the day made her feel unthought of. like I didn’t wanna do that until the house was empty or something (which is crazy but without knowing the backstory, I think thats hard to wrap your head around). And yeah i knew that was how she felt but i never tuned in on it. because i felt “if i could just get her to understand why i did the things i did, she would know she wasn’t an afterthought”.  In my mind i thought I WAS focusing in on that. Maybe I should have been more direct or straight up asked if that  was the the REAL issue and then worked from there. But I think when your distracted by emotions you cant exactly get to the root of the issue and say “yes thats the real issue”. so maybe it would have been  a fruitless battle. and maybe None of this is right. I know that my issue came from a place of “I need you to think i’m good because if you don’t who will.” her opinion matters so much to me so I NEED  her to see me in as a good person. and sometimes i feel like she sees me as a mess or a child, as something that needs to be attended to and dealt with till it grows the fuck up- that i’m a responsibility. And the way she was talking sure made it seem that way. i just get so worried. If any one else in the world thinks i’m a bad person, its okay. If anyone else has misconceptions about me or my intent, i don’t really care. They don’t matter. Camaryn matters. 

Fixation is dangerous. Anxiety is dangerous. Stubbornness can be wounding.  and in a relationship, you have to deal with the issues head on and as a team to make the relationship work. Thats something to work on. I never want to lose camaryn because we got focused on the wrong thing. 

more or less a side note but-

I went into this feeling exhausted putting so much energy into trying to see things from the other persons perspective and put all this energy into self reflection to not exactly see it in return. I still feel a little that way. But I feel a little re energized as to the importance of why no matter how hard it is to put yourself  in the back seat, if you side with empathy you are always making the right decision.  

[survivortaveuni]

Episode 10: “I Mean, Whatever, I’m Having Fun Lying” -Jack E

It’s merge! It’s jury time! Lots of fun things are happening now. For one, Lily is finally going to tribal! And she was loud and proud about that fact. 

Once again, Charlotte and LA reunited, and this time they solidified their duo-ness and solidified their alliance to be an F2 alliance. Their intent was to play different sides while secretly working together. 

Another alliance formed: an original Motomaiqi alliance, minus Billy. Jordan was kind of the head of this alliance. LA, though, wasn’t keen on staying loyal. She was playing with the two heads of the opposing alliances: Steffen and Jordan. She was doing her best to make Steffen trust her. And though she was officially aligned with Jordan, she wanted to flip on him ASAP for being a threat.

That would have to wait, because Jordan won the first individual immunity. Things didn’t look too bright, because so far the name floating around was Jack C’s, his closest ally. After talking to Lily, who suggested either Jack or Billy, Jordan pushed for the latter. Jack C was paranoid, leaked the plan to vote for Billy, and was scared of how close the vote might be (not very) and was wondering if he would need to use the idol (he didn’t).

Steffen at first had some confidence in the game. He thought he had a few people on his side: he had an alliance with Tyler and Charlotte, and he felt he could trust people such as Lily, Billy, Jack E. Things started collapsing. Lily told Jordan that Steffen had all 7 stamps by now in the Rainbow Reef, making Steffen suspicious of their relationship (Jordan also told Steffen that he only had 2 stamps, which...was true in, like, the first round of the game). And once the plan to Billy was leaked, he lost all hope. He deleted his spreadsheet for navigating the Rainbow Reef. However, he did find an idol! Perhaps there was some hope... 

Ultimately, though, Steffen decided to let Billy go and not play his idol. It appears third time was the charm, and Billy was sent home 9-1, with his 1 vote for Jack C cancelled by his idol, because it appeared to Jack C that he wouldn’t be needing his idol anytime in the near future, apparently. 

w e d i d i t b o y s

Dear Bumbleshocked Diary, WELL HOLY BUTTGILLIAN, THAT WORKED. I don't know it almost felt like this thing and plan went off without a hitch, which I'm kinda obsessed with but also kinda worried about, but I'm pumped about a couple of things so I'm excited.  OKOKOK so firstable, I'm just floored I got the plan to work, like Billy had his death sentence because it felt that we couldn't get anywhere on Bouma and he was dead, BUT NOOOOOOO, apparently I got better skills than I could have ever thought and I got Charlotte and Tyler to flip on Shea, and boy, lemme tell you, that kinda makes up for how Shea treated Gage in Midway at the tribal that Gage went home in.  The ironic thing was, Gage was the last pre-juror, and guess what happened to Shea, he made f11, but no jury....BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA ok sorry that was mean.  ANYHOE, so I'm sitting here, with my 3 advantages in my pocket, no votes cast against me and guess what......WE MADE MERGE AND JURY, so now there's that little bit of breathe before things likely go to hell but still, I'm excited, my worst placement is out of the way and I can sit in f10 knowing I at least made jury.....but I want to win so everyone else can cheauxke. Now I'll do some thoughts on the tribe atm so I can at least see if it can help me decide what to do. Billy-Bae but has admitted to being my extra vote Charlotte-Was in a trio with me and Lily, and later in a trio with Tyler and I have unloaded some game thoughts onto her so I do believe we have something good Jack C.-Ok so I actually haven't been on the same tribe as him pre-merge but he sent me this conversation as our first: [5/8/17, 10:18:39 PM] Jack (Ginga): Helo sir [5/8/17, 10:18:47 PM] Steffen Bøhn: Why am I a sir lol [5/8/17, 10:19:17 PM] Jack (Ginga): Would you rather be a madam [5/8/17, 10:24:30 PM] Steffen Bøhn: I mean whatever floats your goat tbh [5/8/17, 10:25:12 PM] Jack (Ginga): Speakig of floating id love to float to not first merge boot [5/8/17, 10:25:14 PM] Jack (Ginga): Thanks [5/8/17, 10:28:51 PM] Steffen Bøhn: kinda same lol This conversation has made me love Jack C. so much because I think he's so oblivious to the term "social" game, but it also makes me want him out real bad because he thinks he can get away with this... Jack E.-He bae, I voted for him in all stars so that makes me worry about whom may target us because of that but if he truly just played for jury, hopefully he can be my other Billy Jordan Pines-We had a mixed relationship in the past but I want to believe that we fixed it........who knows, but he told me he only had 2 stamps, which is worrisome, but he knew I had all 7, so thanks Lily, but once he did find out, I told him once you swap em out you can't go back to the reef so hopefully that's something good enough.  But I'd rather he be gone sooner than later LA-She's basically a queen I finished hosting in Solomon and I wanted to meet up with her for the longest time so this is really exciting, so now I just got to hope she wants to work with me. Lily-She was my number one early one, but she may have told Jordo that I have 7 stamps and thats worrying so now I got to be careful for how much I tell her.....mess, the kush was too much tbh Steffen-Binch Steven-THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE....jk, he seems nice but I haven't been able to test his loyalties because we never went to tribal together so I don't know where he stands with me which is worrying Tyler-I feel like I was more scared of him for no reason but I may have him in my pocket now since I let him in that Nic was trying to blindside him and Shea was throwing a vote on him.........not the best socially from what I learned which is hilarious, but I like him, he a bae and can stay So I guess after this the people I'm most scared of is kinda Jack C., Steven and Jordan with Lily sprinkled in there because of her telling Jordo, but what else can you do right now, I guess it'll come down to who wins immunity, but who knows, if there was an edgic this season, my past 2 episodes would've been dope tbh considering what I did, but I guess we may just need to breathe rn. Anyways wish me luck Diary, Steffen the bum

I am very happy that I made the merge. Both other times I played I never ended up making the merge, so this is very exciting for me. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight. Hopefully it's not me going home. I really don't know though. 

Ain't this a bitch. Votes appear to be going on me and Billy, with them SUPPOSEDLY leaning 6-4 in my favor, but I don't know for sure. I'm gonna play my idol on myself probably, DEFINITELY if Billy gets idoled, but I just dunno, man. This sucks, yo.

So now that we've merged, LA and I have a final 2. We actually know each other IRL, so... yeah, that helps. It was weird not talking to each other while we were on separate tribes but hey, we both made it. Also fuck Jordan, cheating at the challenges is BS - I don't care that it's a loophole, there are no loopholes in the real game of Survivor. C'mon, man. Jeff Probst does not approve this message. 

This is a confessional. Try and medivac me motherfuckers

Dear screwed up Diary I don't really care anymore people are pegging me as a duo with Billy, and here I thought I'd be able to hold onto an extra vote in Billy for longer but apparently thats not a good thing now people think I have a rainbow idol even though thats not the case because I tried swapping the rainbow pass for the rainbow idol but nothing, so I'm thinking Lily or Jordan has it because well Lily has all the stamps but Jordan could've gotten it too, so that's real grand. SO I deleted the spread sheet with the instructions on where the stamps were, now I personally dont care about what happens I'm going to vote out Billy because I saved his ass twice and now he's on jury, so if I survive 6 more tribals then we might be in business but that all depends on tonight. I'm not going to use any advantage and if I'm voted out with an idol in my pocket it'll be hilarious, but as of now I'm going to vote out my closest ally and make sure that I can re-evaluate where I am in the game, because I'm sure as hell on the bottom rn, but if things hold up tonight, LA and Tyler are true hunts, but I guess we'll have to see if shit hits the fan. So in the end Diary, it's been real, will I be first juror or make single digits, who knows, but one thing thats for certain is that the stamps are cute AF. Fed up with the world, Steffen

https://youtu.be/wMEMDBtndw4

I feel like I'm being too honest with Steffen right now, but I wanna work with him and if I blindside him or lie while he knows the truth, he's not gonna trust me and I need that. Char seems to be on the bottom of the alliance she has with him so I need to be good with him and hope he doesn't flip on me. I also don't want people figuring out Char and I are working together, I want Steffen to think he's my solid person, and get rid of Jordan ASAP because he's just going to keep "winning" challenges and he's already in a position of control, sort of, but that's fine with me cause as long as he looks like controlling things he's a bigger target than me. Plus once Jordan is gone Jack might become a solid number for me, since we've been working together but he also slipped the plan so who knows, he might need to go too. We'll see how this plans out tonight, Steffen knows the plan so if he or Billy have a hidden immunity idol they can save him and I should still be good with him and I can blame Jack for him finding out so I should still be good with Jordan too. I'm putting a lot of trust in Steffen this round,  hopefully it doesn't fuck me over.

I'm totally fucked if Steffen plays his idol on Billy but I mean whatever I'm having fun lying to Steffen and he really thinks he can trust me or he's just leading me to believe that. I might just throw a vote because it will be funny to see everyone's reactions. Idk y'all heard me on my call last night I'm in a cracked out position