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supershrinkingviolet · 8 years ago

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You Don’t Know How You’ve Betrayed Me || Self

Violet gave a small sigh as she finished getting ready for the day. She wished she was still in sweatpants and curled up in bed. She wished she was wearing one of her oversized hoodies and her comfortable jeans. (Even in her own head she couldn’t go so far as to think that ‘anything’ would be better than what she was currently wearing, but the fact that she had to qualify even that much to herself was telling). The truth of the matter was that she just didn’t want to go to work. Having to get dressed for work was too much like admitting she was going to have to be there.

She was stuck. She was completely stuck in the case and she knew it. It didn’t matter what angle she tried to work, how many times she tried to talk to the father, he wasn’t budging and nothing she was doing was making a difference. Lara wasn’t going to get the kind of justice she deserved. Andy was going to be left uncertain and grieving for the rest of his life. And she would have proven to herself that she was a failure.

Fuck she hated this. When she’d been recruited for her skills at shield charms, she’d assumed she would be working some sort of protective detail. Training. Being partnered while somebody else headed investigations and mostly just being in the line of fire to protect the more important aurors the Ministry wanted to keep around. She’d never anticipated having to bear this much weight alone, especially on so little training. Lara deserved better than this. But she was all there was to give.

She knew her family was worried about her. She was eating better than she had in school, but all this physical activity meant that she was dropping weight at an alarming rate. And she didn’t actually have that much to lose. Her mind was constantly racing, constantly focused on the case, but it meant it was hard for her to hold a conversation in the moment (unless it was about books or comic books, and then she could usually pull herself back together). Her sleep pattern was all over the place as she either went through the day on only 3 hours of sleep or slept over 12 hours. She had no appetite to speak of, and most things had started to taste faintly metallic. She knew she should be worried. She knew that she was in a bad state. She knew that she was running herself into the ground with basically nothing to show for it. She just didn’t care.

Gardner was the only one who wasn’t saying much. Oh sure, he’d make the occasional comment. But it was all simple things. ‘Get some sleep Parr.’ ‘You got this?’ ‘Did you check out this angle?’ Just normal work stuff, and the job of working the case. Of course, in name it was his case. He was technically the lead investigator, and if it went unsolved, the mark would be on his record. But both of them knew that in the end, she had claimed this case as hers.

Violet was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of an owl knocking at her window. Curiously, she looked over. It was a Great Horned Owl, and not one she recognized. But it must be Jack-Jack using one of the school owls. Who else would possibly be writing her? Especially at this time?

The first hints of trepidation came when she looked at the envelope.

Violet Parr

The handwriting was unfamiliar and more feminine than anyone’s she knew. There were no blots or mistakes, so the person wasn’t particularly emotional as she wrote the letter, but was also clearly skilled. It spoke of confidence and authority. Slowly she took a sniff. Vanilla and lavender twined together, overpowering the scent of the ink (high quality). Under that was the scent of a stranger. What was a stranger doing writing her a letter? At home?

She opened the letter, trying to swallow around a nervous ball in her throat. And then the import of the message struck her and everything else stopped.

Dear Violet Parr, You have been recommended for mandatory psychiatric evaluation following the events of some of your recent cases. Come to 1800 Ravenbriar Avenue, London on January 12 at 11 am. Everything said in this session or any sessions following will be completely confidential. I look forward to speaking with you. Dr. Jennifer Hayes

Recommended? Based on cases?

Gardner.

Fucking Gardner.

Violet didn’t pause to think, wasn’t capable of thinking beyond the wave of rage and betrayal that swept through her. He was the only person who could potentially shove her back into therapy based on work, and he was the last person she’d expected to ever do something like that. What right did he have? What goddamn right to put her back there?

She didn’t remember the journey from her home to work. Later she would probably have to think about what she’d looked like to people she’d passed on the street, but right now she had no idea if she’d passed anyone at all. She had eyes only for her boss sitting calmly at his desk. The boss she’d trusted. The boss who hadn’t thought it worth noting that he was going to make her visit yet another goddamn therapist without talking to her about it first.

“What the fuck is this?”

Vi didn’t swear at work. Normally she didn’t swear. Professional standards and trying to live up to her hero and all of that. But the old rules didn’t really apply in the moment.

Gardner looked up at her and almost straight into the letter she had shoved in his face. His expression barely changed, but Violet had watched him enough to see him putting on his ‘work’ poker face that meant he didn’t want to give anything away. The realization only infuriated Violet more. “Ah. I see you got Jen’s letter.”

“And I want to know what the bloody hell it means.”

“I’d think that is pretty clear.”

“’Mandatory psychiatric evaluation following the events of some of your recent cases.’ So basically because I’m fucking up handling Lara’s case I have to have someone else poke at me until they’re satisfied that I’m not going to slit my wrists in the bathtub.”

Vi saw the first flicker of something in his eyes. A little bit of shock and frustration before he snapped his shield back in place, and she felt a perverse sort of pleasure in it. Damn right he should be affected by what he’d done to her.

“You’re not sleeping Violet,” he snapped. “You can’t shut off the case and the guilt is eating you alive. Normally aurors are taught coping skills for this, but you haven’t been, so I’m sending you to someone who can. And especially with your history – “

At those words, Vi froze. “My history.”

She couldn’t say what she looked like, but whatever it was was enough to have the man pausing before he gentled his tone. “You know me. Do you really think I’d have anyone working under me without getting their school and hospital records?”

No. No she didn’t. But she’d hoped. She’d hoped because he so rarely looked at her with the same fragile mix of fear and pity that most other people had around her – especially adults. She’d hoped because she’d wanted this to be a fresh start where she could be accepted entirely on her own merits. She’d hoped because she’d wanted the chance to be Violet Parr, auror, instead of Violet Parr, the fucked up suicidal they were stuck with. And once again, she was getting pushed into something she didn’t want because of actions she couldn’t really control. She was only ever going to be the kid that needed therapy.

He paused for a moment, as if waiting for some sort of response, but she was too numb to be able to say anything. “Look. Dr. Hayes is one of the best. She works with the aurors, and sometimes she helps on cases. You can talk about the case to her, talk about anything else, and it doesn’t go anywhere. Not even back to me.”

Maybe not. But he still knew that he’d sent her. And she would know that too. And worse, so much worse, he hadn’t said anything to her about it. He just did it. Maybe it wouldn’t have gone any better if he tried to talk to her about it, maybe they still would have been fighting about it, but she wondered if she would feel this hurt.

“You had no right,” she said quietly.

“I’m your boss. It’s my job to keep you together so you can do the job.”

“I may work for you, but I am still mine.” Vi took a deep breath as fury began to cover the hurt until she could deal with it privately. “My brain is mine. My thoughts and feelings are mine. You have no right to force me back into some fucking office with yet another goddamn person who wants to poke and prod at everything until they can get me into their neat little boxes or fucking fix me. I don’t care that you’re my boss. I don’t care that you’re Andrew Gardner, best auror on the force and recognized maverick. You had. No. Right.”

Turning around, Vi stormed away from the desk, just wanting to get out into the open air before she did something pathetic like break down in tears and only confirm all of his worst thoughts about her.

“Parr, where are you going?” his voice cracked like a whip behind her.

Violet paused at the door, glaring back at him. “Out. I have a job to do. And apparently I’ve got an appointment on Thursday.” And with that, she turned and left.

#self #fhogself #I meant to write this months back but what's a grad student to do #self harm mention tw #not bc vi is participating at this point #but with her epic tantrum it gets mentioned so I wanted to bring it up

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