#rather than taking out whatever trauma filled ball of punishment as irrational self protection against shadows on me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-descolada · 6 months ago

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It’s very hard to reconcile memories of someone being a positive presence in your life when the downturn was so sudden. One second I had a friend whose love for me I thought was genuine and trusting and then that fell apart so quickly and completely I had no idea it was even happening before it was too late bc of irrational fears inside their head I couldn’t have foreseen or even known about and all of that fell on me and their anxiety became a justification to treat me so fucking badly and I just couldn’t handle that bc I’m only human

#it’s easy to fall into self blame but when my friends and my therapist are firmly telling me #that things should never have reached that point #that their unwillingness to handle conflict evenly or maturely or even just care about actually resolving it #rather than taking out whatever trauma filled ball of punishment as irrational self protection against shadows on me #made the situation unsalvageable bc my care made Leaving impossible even while I was being mistreated #things didn’t have to be this way and if they actually wanted me as a friend they would have communicated and fought for me #instead of self justifying their own delusional image of me to keep their innocence stable #I deserved better from someone who called me their firmest friend #I deserved better.#it’s also just like profoundly fucking obvious the transmisogynistic bias informing this they won’t ever examine #expecting someone to be literally perfect under duress and mistreatment is one thing #but having so much of it be wrapped in fear of being ‘unsafe’ bc of my assumed emotions is uh #being condescended to about consent multiple times based on their own irrational assumptions and overreaction is uhhh #being the obvious disposable one with a clear parallel of someone else in their life they treated a similar way is uhhhhhhhhh #it’s blindingly obvious who gets the benefit of the doubt and who doesn’t #who is automatically considered the aggressor and who isn’t #I LOVE BEING ONTOLOGICALLY CAPABLE OF HARM #Sucks dude #personal

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