#rather be called a dyke or a lesbo instead

[npdkondraki]

id rather be called a dyke than be referred to as sapphic btw

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[for-southendgirls]

Do you have any lesbian movie recs? Or movie/show recs at all? You have good taste! Also, I just watched the movie Tru Love about a lesbian and an older woman and while the writing could be stronger is self produced/acted &, made me feel and 'aw,' (could be the pms tho lmao) idk you might like it. :)

Thanks for asking for my opinion! It’s always super flattering when people compliment my taste. Funny that you mentioned Tru Love. When I first saw it, I was like “What kind of poorly written bullshit…” but then I watched it a second time and I cried like a baby. It’s one of my all time favorites now. 

I don’t want to give too much away, but here are some of the ones that stick out to me:

Grandma (2015) 💝👭 I don’t care what you’re doing with your life right now, watch this film. To this day, I am still angry that Lily Tomlin did not win an Oscar for this film, let alone get nominated for one. She plays this Bella Abzug loving, old school, rad lesbian poet who has to drive her teenage granddaughter to go get an abortion. It’s an amazing film, doesn’t demoralize the granddaughter, has an older lesbian actress (!) playing an older lesbian character (!), a May-December gay romance with Judy Greer as the girlfriend! Like, c’mon now. 12/10 would recommend. 

Cloudburst (2012) 🔪 Speaking of older lesbians and road trips, there’s this film. I didn’t know that I wanted to see Olympia Dukakis play an old butch until… I got to see Olympia Dukakis play an old butch. It’s one of those you’ll-feel-happy-but-sad-and-then-happy-again films. Replace “granddaughter” with old, sick femme wife and “abortion” with marriage license in Canada and you get this film. 

Mädchen in Uniform (1931) 📖🏆 Okay, super problematic plot by today’s standards that absolutely does nothing to quell the fact that lesbians aren’t predators but like, who among us hasn’t had a crush on one of our teachers? If anyone ever tells you to watch Loving Annabelle, slap them and watch this instead. Beautiful cinematography, especially for it’s time – and both of the main actresses are so pretty. 

Desert Hearts (1986) 📖💝🏆 Known as one of the the first lesbian movies with a happy ending! I don’t want to reveal much about the plot, but I like to call it “Yeehaw Carol”. Fun Fact: Lily Tomlin actually helped fund this movie! 

A Perfect Ending (2012) 🔪👭 Okay, so if you like PwP fanfiction, this movie is basically for you. It makes no sense whatsoever, it has one of the most egregious cases of Kill Your Dykes that I’ve ever seen come from a lesbian director, and it has a Lifetime made-for-television-esque quality to it, but like… it has that older woman/younger woman thing that we all know and love as well as one of the longest sex scenes I think I’ve ever seen on film, so watch it. Pull up a few lesbo friends, gather some snacks and drinks of choice, and just watch this and laugh (or cry – I won’t judge you). 

High Art (1998) 🔪👭🍆 This is a fictionalized, veiled account of the life of photographer Nan Goldin. Ally Sheedy is in it. Patricia Clarkson isn’t playing someone’s mom, but rather, is playing Ally Sheedy’s German, heroin-addicted, washed up former actress girlfriend. It’s all very 90s heroin chic cinema and once again, has Kill Your Dykes in it, but it’s the first lesbian film I ever saw from a lesbian director and that made it special for me.

Serving in Silence: The Margarethe Cammermeyer Story (1995) 📖💝 Oh what can I say? Glenn Close in military uniform, Judy Davis getting to play someone (dare I say) adorable for once, happy ending… what more could you want? If you’re not American, this story probably won’t resonate as much with you, but Grethe Cammermeyer became famous when she was fired from being one of the highest ranking doctors in the National Guard because she refused to lie about being a lesbian. All around great performances, Glenn Close sings in it (!) and she also said that kissing Judy Davis made her rethink her sexuality. Just… just watch it. 

The Watermelon Woman (1996) 👭🏆 We love a lesbian movie that doesn’t center around white women! Well… there is a white protagonist in this film, but the story centers around a Black lesbian who becomes obsessed with finding out the life story of an uncredited actress she sees in a film from the 1940s. It was the first major film to be directed by a Black lesbian. It was also filmed in my city! So, I have extra special love for this film. 

HONORABLE (GAY AND NOT GAY) MENTIONS:

Me and My Shadows (2001) 📖 Honestly, fuck the new Zellweger movie where she plays Judy Garland. It’s so rude that they would even attempt to make that movie when this one already exists. This one is Judy Davis playing Judy Garland in all her twitchy glory and it is all your gay camp heart will ever need. It’s in three parts on YouTube. Watch it now.

The Children’s Hour (1961) 🔪👭📖🏆 This film will break your heart. Still would recommend just for how important it is as a body of work. I think it’s one of the first widely-known films that ever defended lesbians. 

This Is Where I Leave You (2014) 💝 We’ve all seen the gifsets of Jane Fonda kissing Debra Monk. Cute little film.

Angels in America (2003) 🏆📖 All of the actors play like, eight different characters. Meryl Streep is a Mormon and Emma Thompson plays an angel in leather who gives her an orgasm in the sky. It’s otherworldly. Watch it. It will change your life.

Lady Bird (2018) 💝 Lesbian subtext, who? Christine and Julie were in love and nobody can tell me any different. 

The Practice (1997-2004) 👭 Holland Taylor is in this show, sadly not playing a ghey, but playing a Judge who pretty much controls all of the men in her office by sleeping with them. She’s fucking wild (in a way that only a WASP woman could be) in this and it’s a sight to behold. 

Key:

[🔪] - a lesbian dies bc we can’t have anything nice

[🍆] - a lesbian has sex with a man bc we can’t have anything nice

[📖] - based on a book/play which you should also read

[💝] - happy endings yaaaaayyy

[👭] - actual lesbian actors, writers, and/or directors

[🏆] - culturally significant/cult film

[everythinginasockdrawer-blog]

Seasoned Gay

On AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11254284

 It’s Friday and Maggie is more than happy to spend the evening holed up in one of the local gay bars drinking scotch and enjoying the feeling of scantily clothed women pressing around her on the dance floor, feeling the pulsing music around her as she danced somewhat jerkily with some blonde girl that she’d bumped into shortly after making her way onto the dance floor, happily letting the rest of the week fall away.

Or it would be if she could focus on the girl in front of her (and how she was gonna get her home) and not the beautiful red head sitting slouched at the bar, cradling her drink in her hands and scanning the bar with a look of nervous excitement plastered across her face. Definitely a baby gay… And a cute one at that… And… That’s a dude…

She watched as one of the straight guys that hung around the bar trying to pick up chicks approached the girl and started trying to talk her up. Maggie felt her body tense and she looked between her dancing partner and the girl at the bar and made a split second decision.

“Gotta go save the baby gay at the bar, dudebro’s hitting on her and she doesn’t seem to know what to do.” The blonde glanced towards the bar and after catching sight of the scene in front of her she scowled and shook her head.

“You have fun with that, try not to break his nose, I know it’s tempting.” And the girl’s already turned around and found some other girl to dance with and Maggie’s making her way towards the bar where the girl is leaning as far away from stereotypical surfer playboy as physically possible. Maggie got to the bar just in time to catch the tail end of what he was saying.

“...And I know I can show you a better time than any of these bull dykes could ever dream of. I’m pretty well endowed if you catch my drift.” He winked and none to discreetly pawed at his junk, causing both Maggie and the red head to scrunch their noses up in disgust at him.

“Yeah, I’m still good.” The other woman downed her shot and signaled the bartender for another one. The guy leered at her and scooted his stool closer to his so that their knees were touching as he moved his hand onto the girl’s thigh.

“Come on babe, seriously I’ll show you a better time than any dyke in this bar could possibly imagine.” Maggie half groaned before firmly inserting herself between the two, knocking the guy’s hand any and forcing him to pull back from the other woman.

“Excuse me, sir, but I’m fairly certain the lady already said no so if you’d kindly move along…” Maggie left the sentence hanging but makes sure to level her gaze at him so he wouldn’t take it as a sign of her feeling intimidated by him. He sneered down at her and tried unsuccessfully to brush her aside.

“Fuck off, she was just about to come home with me, weren’t you hot stuff?” Maggie glances behind her just in time to catch the girl roll her eyes at his question and take a long drink of her beer (the bartender still hadn’t refilled her shot glass).

“Yeah, only in your dreams.” Maggie gently reached behind her and placed a hand on the girl’s knee, she wasn’t sure how much of her couldn’t care less attitude was simply a front to make the guy leave her alone and she figured the comforting gesture might be appreciated.

“See? Now go find someone else to bother, fucking buzzkill.” The guy tried to move around her but Maggie stayed firmly in place between him and the girl (whose name she probably should figure out).

“And you’ve got one of the worst cases of selective hearing I’ve ever seen. Now why don’t you run back to your friends the lick your wounds and try hitting up a bar where the girls actually find your oppressive masculinity attractive and leave us all alone.” The guy scoffed and tried (for the third time) and failed to get her to move from between him and the other woman.

“You’re just jealous she’d rather go home with a real man like me instead of a midget like you. She knows I can fuck her real good, unlike you you little dyke, don’t you baby?” Maggie winced internally at the jib at her height, something she was still self conscious about even at the age of twenty two. She felt the woman behind her shift and somewhat tentatively run her fingers up her side, causing an unexpected shiver to run down Maggie’s spine.

“Oh no… She’s… Definitely the one I’m interested in.” He sputtered, finally hearing something she said for once. About time…

“Why the hell would you be into the tiny lesbo over me? Have you seen my abs?” He lifts his shirt to show off what to most might seem like an impressive six pack, Maggie rolled her eyes but decided she wasn’t going to stoop to his level trying to engage in some display of dominance. The other woman scoffed out loud and glancing behind her Maggie realized that apparently she didn’t have any issues showing the guy up, cause her shirt was tugged up to just below her breasts and was showing off her own six pack with a challenging gleam in her own eyes.

“You act like that’s supposed to impress me.” She dropped her shirt and Maggie none too discreetly wiped at the corners of her mouth to make sure she hadn’t started drooling. “Now I can think of a lot of reasons to pick her over you, starting with the fact I’m gay as fuck and she’s definitely a woman, you are a woman right? Like I’m assuming here based on appearances and that’s kinda transphobic and I really don’t care if you’re trans or not, I meant it’s cool if you are like I’m totally fine with that…”

“I’m a woman.” Maggie interjected before the other woman could get lost in a offtrack tangent.

“Okay, yeah… So there’s that. She’s also hot as hell which you definitely are not.” Maggie forced herself not to chuckle at the offended look on his face. “And you’re an asshole and I wouldn't be interested even if I was into guys cause I have standards that you don’t even begin to meet. So if you’ll move along I’d really like to chat up my super hot savior now.” She made a shooing gesture and the guy finally left with a grumbled fucking dykes . Which left Maggie standing super close to the rather beautiful red head who was definitely giving her bedroom eyes like no baby gay should know how to do. “So… What’s your name?”

“Um… Maggie… My name’s Maggie…” The other woman smiled warmly down at her and held her hand out for her to shake.

“Alex. So what are you doing this evening? Besides saving young lesbians from straight men.” Maggie blushed slightly, turning her face away from Alex.

“You hardly needed saving. I mean… With the abs and the sassy comebacks and the abs…” Alex smiled at her, an amused glint in her eyes.

“You like the abs?” She wiggled her eyebrows as she slid Maggie’s hand under her shirt up her washboard abs. Maggie let out a quiet groan and bites her lip. Not to be outdone by a baby gay she quickly moves Alex’s hand over to her own stomach and slides it under her shirt and up her own abs.

“I can most certainly appreciate them.” She was pleased to note the other woman finally seemed a little flustered as she subconsciously ran her fingers along Maggie’s abs. “Now, what do you say we hit the dance floor and show that prick how us ‘lesbos’ do it?”

And they do, they get drunk and dance and make out in the corner like teens and when the bar finally closes at two she calls them an Uber and then continue to make out like idiots in the backstreet until they get back to Maggie’s apartment. And then they’re making out in the apartment (okay, say what you want about picking up baby gays but holy cow this one was a hell of a good kisser) and on her bed and damn you’d love to have her way with the woman moving above her but the voice in the back of her mind reminding her they are both very drunk wins and she finally pulls away.

“You’re drunk.” Alex moved down to start muzzling in her neck, nipping and sucking at the skin there.

“So are you.”

“We probably shouldn’t do this right now.”

“Probably not.”

“I’m going to get some water and aspirin for in the morning. If you feel like it we can carry on then.” Maggie offers getting up and heading into the adjacent bathroom.

“Oh trust me, as soon as I’m not either drunk or hungover I’m going to be all over you.” Maggie put the stuff from the bathroom on the nightstand and climbed under the covers, Alex following quickly behind her.

“I’m looking forward to it.” Maggie mumbled sleepily, Alex laughed.

“You should, I’m told I’m excellent in bed.” Alex winked at her and Maggie’s eyebrows scrunched up in confusion.

“And who told you that?”

“Why the string of women I slept with in high school, I was quite the catch back then.” She winked again and Maggie’s eyes went wide.

“High school? How long ago was that?”

“About five years, why, jealous?” Maggie’s jaw dropped.

“I thought you were a baby gay!” Alex let out a full belly laugh at that comment.

“Nope, I’m definitely a seasoned gay at this point.”

“Oh boy, what did I get myself into?” Maggie mumbled as Alex began running her fingers languidly up and down her side.

“Oh darling, you have no idea.”