#rather attend 999999 more christian small groups with negligible real risk than open myself up to the possibility of hurting or getting hurt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

iamnotlookingidonotseeit · 14 days ago

Text

i've always found it easy to talk about my personal shit in therapy and small groups or whatever, places that seem like they're expecting me to be vulnerable, but CHRIST it is so much fucking harder to actually be vulnerable

#i am so good at saying things that are personal and intimate but don't actually put me in an unsafe position!#people mistake this for composure sometimes and accurately recognize it as just being an oversharer other times #the truth is i use those things to explain my behavior without ever having to be direct about my feelings #i hide my actual self and feelings from myself and others within the maze of therapy speak #even now i'm avoiding doing anything about the things i'm actually worried about with the people i care about #i need to be honest with r about my doubts and soren about my questions and e about my reservations and t about my dissatisfaction #need to be honest with d about my whole agenda w him and my parents about. a whole bunch of stuff #but like. that's hard. what if they find out they've been hurting me or i find out i've been hurting them #telling some rando you never intend to so much as invite over that you're afraid you're unlovable in the eyes of God or whatever is nothing #although usually a false intimacy and probably a bad idea in the long run #telling your gf that you're not there yet when she says i love you? asking your bestie if they're happy their partner proposed?#when you think the answer might be no and you have an unstated personal opinion on it?#rather attend 999999 more christian small groups with negligible real risk than open myself up to the possibility of hurting or getting hurt #i'm going to give it my best shot but CHRIST

0 notes