#ranpo gets an accommodating antisocial sugardaddy as his homoerotically charged rival

[gorgeousgalatea]

I love the idea that Dazai’s low key jealous of Ranpo. Like, Ranpo is living his and Dazai’s best life. Dazai’s not resentful per se but he wants what he has. Ranpo's deductive abilities are so sharp it practically counts as the one Ability Dazai can’t cancel, there’s an entire organization built around his reputation, he had the loving parents and half a functioning moral compass and a life’s purpose and was picked up at fourteen by a father figure who wasn’t an absolute nightmare.

But, most critically, Ranpo is completely useless outside of his skill set. He has one survival mechanism and it’s to inform other people that without their help he will immediately die and no one ever questions this because they can tell that it’s true. He has never learned practical life skills and never will. Everything but deductive reasoning and snack eating is a dump stat and he has never been given the motivation to change this. Dazai wants to be that useless. It cannot be faked. It doesn’t matter how many missions Dazai flirts through or meetings he misses or weird mushrooms he eats, Mori has cursed him with competence and he can’t convince people otherwise. He knows how to file a report. He wishes he didn’t. It’s 3PM on a Tuesday and Kunikida’s screaming at him to finish his paperwork while Ranpo’s on his third bag of chips. He is in hell.