#random scries don’t always hit but when they do they HIT

[dhm-rising]

Moldy Oranges

Female Coatl - Nature Faded

Marigold/Algae/Orange

Cherub/Breakup/Smoke

[secretlystephaniebrown]

Letters to No One: 2/6

Summary: Lucretia writes letters that she can never send over the years.

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She writes a thousand confessions to Merle, about what she’s planning on doing. She destroys them all, and then keeps working on her edits. She needs to make sure that this is all perfect. She can’t afford to be sloppy here.

She’s out of practice with editing. She’s had no need to; the others go through her journals, writing things in the margins, correcting them. It makes re-reading them agonizing, now that she’s trying to put a coherent narrative together.

She pauses on Cycle 21, and smiles, her fingers tracing lightly over the sketch she’d drawn of Merle, surrounded by shells.

Merle,

I tried to make sure that the beach you’re on is as close to the other one as I could. I hope you love it.

-L

Lucretia loses the following things in Wonderland:

Sixty hit points

Her physical strength

Twenty years of her life

A handful of magical items that she’d accumulated over a century

Several very powerful spells from her spellbook

She thinks she gave up memories, but a careful scan of her journals reveals nothing.

Lucretia has no idea what it is that she gave up, but she thinks it was important.

Merle,

I don’t… gods, I’ve made a mistake.

Wonderland is… I don’t even know how to describe it. I need help, Merle, I clearly need so much more help than just my handful of allies. I sacrificed so much—everything hurts, Merle. I’m curled up in the Felicity Wilds now and I just—I’d give anything for you to be here right now. You can’t heal in Wonderland, and we were in there for… I’m not even sure how long we were in there for. Weeks, I think, but honestly it might have been hours, or even years.

I gave up twenty years of my life. I feel it, too. But that might be the blood loss talking.

I left Cam behind. He begged me not to. He said that I’d die out here, in the Felicity Wilds. But I can do this. I know I can.

I just wish I had you here with me, by my side. I know I can’t, I know it’s impossible, but I wish I could have it anyways.

-L

Lucretia, against all odds, survives the Felicity Wilds, with the help of a fighter named Killian. Killian finds her, injured as she is, and offers her a healing potion and a helping hand out of the Wilds.

She pays Killian very well for the service, and then she looks her up and down.

“How would you like a job?” She asks.

Merle,

I’ve decided that maybe a part of what went wrong in Wonderland is that Cam and I were both magic users. I need to find balance. Not just wizards and clerics, but more people like Magnus. Warriors and rogues, maybe druids, paladins, bards. The seven of us were always heavy on magic—which is bad in a fight. After the high-level spell slots are used up, what are we left with? Magnus hitting things, and the rest of us resorting to using our wands as bludgeons. Or a staff, in my case.

Maureen isn’t a magic user, but she’s also no warrior. On my way out of the Felicity Wilds, I met an Orcish woman named Killian. She’s a fighter, and she helped me get out of there. I think she’s the start. I can build from this.

I will find balance.

-L

When she gets back from Neverland, she scries all of them. Or, well, not all of them—Barry is hidden from her, Davenport is the next room over so she doesn’t need to, and she still can’t find any trace of Lup.

She can’t tell much from the spell, but it’s a comfort to see their faces again. To know that they’re still alright.

She wishes they were here with her, reacting loudly to her hair. She can imagine Merle telling her that she’s still not old, not really, and she smiles to herself, for the first time since Wonderland.

Merle,

I’ve got a source that says you’re getting married. Don’t look at me like that, I’ve got one of your distant cousins in the Bureau, and she requested time off for the wedding. I must admit I’m shocked—you never really struck me as the marrying type. But then again, I’ve never known you in a world without the Hunger, have I? Maybe that’s what you were waiting for. A chance to rest.

Congratulations, Merle. I’ll try to find a way to send you a proper wedding present, besides giving your cousin the time off.

-L

For Merle’s wedding, she quietly slips down to the beach by the house he and his new wife Heccuba are living in. Hecuba has a daughter named Maevis. Lucretia casts invisibility on herself, and scatters rare shells all over the beach front, hoping that Merle will gather them, and create something wonderful for his daughter.

Merle,

Your cousin has reported to me in passing that you have a son now. A son. You’re a father! I… holy shit.

I know Taako and Lup used to call you “Dad”, but I didn’t expect you to go out of your way to prove them right so soon!

-L

Lucretia dreams about how it would have gone, if this had happened while the others were around.

She can imagine the confusion, the laughter, the shock, the swearing. She imagines Magnus carving a cradle for Mookie, baby blankets knitted by Davenport, Taako and Lup making increasingly ridiculous jokes as they all angle for the role of favorite aunt/uncle.

She sketches out on a piece of paper, the sky of their homeworld, which she likes to think she would have painted above Mookie’s bed, so he could grow up knowing his home.

She tucks that in with the rest of her letters.

Merle,

Your cousin passed away three weeks ago on a mission, so I’m out of the Highchurch/Rockseeker gossip loop. But I did manage to hear a rumor about a wandering cleric of Pan. Didn’t take long to get a confirmation that it was you.

I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry things didn’t work out. This isn’t what I wanted for you—wandering from town to town like this, a travelling preacher. I had really hoped that you’d settle down and enjoy that happy ending.

But maybe that’s not what you wanted to be happy—like I said, you never really expressed interest in marriage, back on the Starblaster. But I just assumed…

Was that foolish of me? To assume that you’d all be alright if I just gave you what you wanted? A home by the beach, a place in a small town, a cooking show? Was this naïve, believing things would be okay?

Ordinary, every day occurrences seem so… small, compared to the lives that we lived. Food poisoning, divorce, and random acts of violence, completely separated from grand wars over magical artifacts… they strike whenever and wherever they please, not taking happy endings into account.

I guess I am a fool, thinking I could force the world into giving you the joy and peace you deserve. You’d think it would cooperate more, after we saved it.  

-L

Lucretia starts an official Bureau of Balance file on Merle Highchurch, to justify using resources to keep an eye on him.

“Is he important?” Brian asks her idly, picking up the file at random from her desk. He has a very interesting report about rumors about a place called Wave Echo Cave, which she’s going over now.  

“No,” Lucretia says absently. Lying has gotten all too easy, lately. She grabs her map of the glass circles, and starts measuring the distance between the closest one and the cave. “But I’m always on the lookout for talent, and Highchurch’s cousin spoke well of him.”

“He sounds like a fool,” Brian says.

Lucretia bristles, but she doesn’t allow Brian to see it. “If you say so,” she says. “Thank you for that report, Brian, I’ll pass this along to the Reclaimers.”

Merle,

I’m glad you’re with Magnus and Taako again. I feel better, knowing that you have each other’s backs.

-L

Lucretia goes to visit Fisher. “They’ll be here soon,” she promises.

Fisher lets out an irritated noise at her. They still haven’t forgiven her for taking their child.

“I’m sorry,” she promises, pressing a hand against the tank. “It will all be over soon.”

Merle,

You’re here, and I want to cry, because none of you recognize me at all.

-L

Merle lost his arm.

Magnus looks older, but Merle and Taako still look like they had on the Starblaster. If she had cast silence on them so she couldn’t hear what they were saying, she could have pretended that she was home once again.

Merle still tangles flowers in his bear, still laughs the same, but even before the arm, there had been something different.

His new arm is made of soulwood, and it is permanent. It will not heal at the end of the year, just like Lup will not suddenly return.

She feels so, so old, looking at them. She touches her face, thirty years older, twenty of which she didn’t even get to live, and misses her family, even though they’re standing right in front of her.

Merle,

You invited me to a spa. I… I must admit that this was unexpected. We’ll see how it goes.

-L

Lucretia should say no when Merle invites her to the spa, but Johann pushes her into going. “Boss, you like, really need a break. It’s harshing everybody’s vibe.”

And she’s missed Merle, so, so much, so she lets herself be pampered.

She asks Merle about faith. This is not the first time she’s asked him this question over their century of friendshsip. But she wants to know how his faith has changed, in this world with one sun.

She confesses more to Merle than she should, but of course, the static prevents him from knowing what she’s really saying.

“It’s faith in you,” Merle says.

She takes a deep breath and drinks her wine.

Merle is right. She has faith in herself.

She will finish what she’s started.

Merle,

How do you always know exactly what to say, even when you don’t know even half of what’s going on? Despite everything, sometimes I think you’re the wisest man I know.

-L

Merle brings his kids to the moon. Lucretia has no idea how to handle them---they’re not like Angus, who is most of Lucretia’s experience with children.

“Yeah, Hecuba and I have decided on split custody,” he tells her, chest puffed up. “Being a big hero and all.”

Lucretia smiles. “Even though she now knows you negotiate shirtless?”

“Well, with abs like these, who can blame me?” Merle says. He’s wearing a Hawaiian print shirt that gives absolutely no indication of musculature, and Lucretia laughs.

“I’m glad. Back to the beach?” She tries not to sound wistful.

“Oh absolutely,” he puts a cactus on her desk. “Now, this pretty lady is Antonia. She’s a hardy one, so I think she’ll be able to survive whatever even you can throw at her. But just in case, write yourself reminders to water her once a week.”

Lucretia laughs again, something warm in her chest. “Are you sure that’ll be enough?”

“Look, don’t make me regret this! I’m trusting you with Antonia!”

Lucretia smiles, and reaches out to touch the cactus gently. “I’ve got something for you.”

Her letters to Merle are wrapped with gardening twine. She’d stolen it from the greenhouses years ago in a fit of nostalgia.

He laughs when he takes them. “Only you would think that journals weren’t enough writing.” Lucretia feels her face grow warm. “You’ll be fine,” he tells her.

She smiles. “Thank you, Merle.”

A few days later, a letter shows up on her desk. A few crude drawings, primarily sketches of two young dwarves, but there are a few carefully drawn landscapes. They’re accompanied by Merle’s bold, large scrawl.

These are Maevis and Mookie. Whatever else, I wouldn’t have them without you.

-Merle