#rampoetry

[ram-de]

fury

Bestowed upon me was a core, a willing part to roam and try,

Nurtured upon me was a seed, an evergrowing fantasy,

Engraved upon me was a shape, a distant and foreign reflection,

Cry, cry, this carved anguish that turned into stubborn stone,

Until it returns,

Another lap rushing the same race,

The faulty core yearns to rotate and fix,

The stunted seed wills to bloom and reach,

The broken shape ponders to the past and future,

Sorry, sorry, losing meaning each time it was spoken

Until I choke down,

Until I crash and burn,

Until I drown and sorrow,

Another unwritten page blank and cold.

[ram-de]

peruse, the nonexistent savior

you spoke loudly of dreams and wonders yet acts without any burden in his back you wouldn't deceive others for bad happenstances yet let it happens to your own living states

you make up all those unpleasant rules of your own be dictated by how you see and perceive the world you restrict your own mind, soul and body be stripped of the wonderful push from struggle and hope

you fell into the circle of devil that you oh-so scared of repulsed by how easy it is to be lied upon and sleep you crave for joy and happiness all those times refused to process all the sorrow and move forward

you, you, you it's always been you you, you, you it's always been me

all these words that i've written, poured my bad clouds within all these emotions that i've sang, shy of being heard all these time that i've spend and wasted, unchanged all these regrets that i've yet to lament and repent

what meaning does it gave? what meaning do i have? what meaning do life asks? what the heck is even this 'meaning' that i've said? is meaning what i've been yearning for all this time? or was it the comfort of myself that i've nurtured?

this space, this secret yet safe space of mine where i vent, where i cry, where i scream of anger through delicate words, this space is an illusion of everything being okay

i'm not okay

i'm wound and scared shitless of actually facing myself i'm ugly and will continue to be uglier but that's not the point, save me it's how i pretend to be blind when faced around consequences of everything that i chose to be, or haven't chosen actively of everything that i allowed myself to be of every notions, every challenging thoughts i let pass and die of every aggression that i hide beneath tears and cries of every dreams that i buried within can't and won't of everything that i came to be of myself

what now?

what will happen?

how will anything happen?

save me, peruse

[ram-de]

out of space

What is the week without the end

No lines separating naps and breaks

No signs that warns steeps or parks

How many days have passed without the start

Never actually began past the line

Never actually led by the sign

What is questions without reasoning

Assuring no man

Assuring nothing

How many hours wasted on faux reflection

Writing and writing

Wishing and wishing

What is life without purpose to hold up

Floating away

Fading away

How many regrets without hands to fix

Useless brain

Useless body

What is today without maps to follow

Remains void

Remains empty

.

Will you forgive me, time

Wasting away in minutes and days

Will you forgive me, body

Rotting slowly in junk on loop

Will you forgive me, faith

Drowning in sin and misery

Will you forgive me, roof

Will you forgive me, light

Will you forgive me, blood

Will you forgive me, life

Will you forgive me, self

.

What is words wtitten without meaning

Recorded yet never being taken to heart

How many poems will appear without changes

Awareness just out of space

[ram-de]

what does light dream of tomorrow?

when nothing else can reach the corner neither the sound of solemn prayer or the reflection of mishaps taken what does light dream of tomorrow?

memories so precious grasped the soul whole all the what-ifs all the should haves why does light long of the past?

it's not happenstances that occurs timely rather it's all-consuming rather it's everlasting what else does light asks for?

musing in codes, mumbles in shards scrambling for pieces of regrets yet to be found, yet to be made why does light let itself fade?

what does light dream of tomorrow? light dreams, light longs, light asks, and light was, when nothing else can reach the corner, light dreams of dimness near

[ram-de]

anchor

the same tune is playing, ever on repeat head aching so bad humming the melody losing my sanity when will he ever realize it's his own song?

kept on singing still, ever the clueless voice shrieking cries of help holding his chest tight losing his own fight when will he ever stand and grow a spine?

miserably reaching for a reaching hand, ever the mystery anything he can grasp, anything hoping that my soul won't be lost losing everything but purpose when will he ever not choke on his own words?

a hypocrite's plea for a push, ever the desperate walking life on a loop of hope and misery a quick pause with no responsibility losing time and joy without clarity when will he ever be living and free?

he pleaded

"i need an anchor," "ground me," "take me," "tell me,"

he pleaded

"give me an anchor," "don't make me float," "don't let me be," "don't forget me,"

he pleaded

"i can't be an anchor," "i lost the strength to believe in myself," "i don't know how to lead myself back," "i can't be on my own,"

he pleaded

"please have me be anchored," "oh warm sunlight in the morning," "oh gentle touch of the palm holding things," "oh blood of mine that ever flows," "oh memories of happiness and struggle dear," "oh future that won't tell me the secrets," "oh roof that shelters me in humble," "oh forgotten smiles and jokes shared," "oh clumsy tears in times of dire," "oh heart that beats," "oh life so precious,"

"remind me of such, anchors."

[ram-de]

merajut nadi

tumbuh dewasa, banyak hal yang tak aku ketahui melepuh lirih dunia berputar, menempa harap hari berlalu, tak pernah tahu sulitnya temukan asa dalam diri yang hampa kelabu

karena kekosongannya, maka kucari kehidupan namun bukan coretan grafit kaku, bukan pula untaian kata repetitif, entah apa yang dicari, entah apa pula yang hilang

jalan buntu, maka ku melangkah tanpa arah tentu ingin kembali pada makna, warnai hari penuh cita, hiduplah, diri, bergeraklah meski tanpa asa dan makna,

melukis jantung yang berdetak, menulis tulang yang beranjak, merangkai organ yang bergerak, merajut nadi yang berikat erat

meski dewasa, banyak hal yang tak aku ketahui menarik nafas dunia berhenti, yakini harap hari terlewati, kan selalu ingatkan kunjungan asa pada diri yang tak kian kelam nan biru

[ram-de]

nurani

Jangka waktu lebarkan sayap tanpa tentu

Terkikis rindu akan arah yang kau susun padu

Lirih, serpihan penuh ragu bertumpuk bertindih

Hanyut dalam kesendirian biru laut

Nurani, apa ucapku sampai akan harapan murni

Bersenandung lembut sejukkan diri dari gelapnya kabut

Raga, apa laguku sampai akan rasa siaga

Melangkah pelan hiasi senyuman kecil diujung jalan

Pastikan diri kembali, ingatkan dunia akan memori

Tergerak seperti lentiknya jemari yang kian menari

Pun detak jantung yang kian mencari kehidupan agung

Takkan pernah sirna, nurani, selama kau dan aku ada disini

[ram-de]

heart

one of these days, my heart beats it beats faster, thumps louder, unwilling to stop the pester, as if such is an attempt to paralyze

i know that's not the case, my heart beats it firmly shakes me, the presence of danger, it alerts me as if this wasn't a regular occurrences by the day

hence, let me tell you, my heart that beats it's going to be okay, and if it's not, then i will eventually be okay, as if believing that, i held tightly to such mantras

a prove that i'm alive, my heart beats it is confused at times, but it's there for me telling me what could and what couldn't, as if wanting me safe at all time taken to the hundreds

so be still, o' heart that beats for we'll be here until the end of times, and i'll listen to each beats in my waking moments dearly so for now let's just walk to breathe and see

[ram-de]

good night

clack clack clack, the noises from when i type to the keyboard i pressed one by one, i say good night

the surrounding becoming a tainted mess of blurs to the seeing eye that i strained still, i say good night

crack, crack, the noises of the joints from when i made a motion to the body that was getting more weary, i say good night

the fluffiness allure of the foamy clouds to the pillows and mattress that i lounged comfortably, i say good night

bzzt, the mind is taking me back to depth of consciousness to the brain that's telling me to go sleep soon, i say good night

the disappointment of not getting anything done today to the tears i shed today, i say good night

... —the answer of nothing in particular to the silence, i say good night

[ram-de]

to you, the stars

look up and you'll see the brilliants they scatter and break and yet they could reach the sky rarity, that is, to see the night adorned with such radiance for the shelter that he had, be eye-to-eye is nigh

look up and you'll see the seekers they roam and spoke with warmth and unquestioned ambition encapsulating, that is, to be part of audience that surrenders for the image that he presented, a 'confident' of his own rendition

look up and you'll see the stars millions light years away of reach faraway, that is, to be so much ahead outside his radar for the heart that he kept, being around is foolishly bleak

look down and you'll see a fool making up pedestals one for the brilliant, one for the seeker, one for the star pathetic, isn't it, to behold a fellow to be enthralled for the fool is unable to see he too, could also be on par

of course that is, if he would try such is the thoughts of the fool

a letter to you, the stars

[ram-de]

render

record me, nothing short of chances seems like we're in a state of destruction my body and my heart both a message of perturbing pains two which they were accustomed without

mundane, futile, it was all that i do

tamper me, all of me that formed like a sculpture there was million ways to be in the moment be it words or picture, to consume or capture all which seems to be everlasting without end

ephemeral, momentary, it was all that i could be

render me, for i also cease to be within time and wasn't that the biggest tragedy of all losing accountability that i had from the shred of mind none which i could reach without standing gall

broken, alone, it was all that i have always been

[ram-de]

tender

when i was small, i was a mere canvas swept bare with nothingness a bright innocence like that of snow and a mountain of curiousity like that of adventure

but that wasn't it, canvas was meant to be painted and hence all the wonder of life i let be brushed within a series of laughter and paperplanes like that of sun and the following embrace of home like that of morning warmth

home was all i knew, and i was a bit chubbier but sometimes not all colors mix well in the paper a miniscule drop of shaking heart like that of a noisy bell and a different kind of laughter like that of a mocking wolf

i didn't knew when i began collecting blue and hollow gray there was all sort of brushes and strokes it's everywhere a false kind of adoration like that of hidden tears and a sense of wronghood like that of a garbage can

the paint was overbearing, and often times they ruined the piece of me that used to be yellow and orange, until i was smeared a tender and quiet nights like that of the moon and the following emptiness of void like that of the cold rain

i tried to paint myself blank again, fresh start, i'd thought but that doesn't hide all the layers beneath, it aches a repetitive day that never ends like that of a puppet's play and a line of words without meaning like that of this poem

[ram-de]

death of dignity

there's a faulty in the core boundless, neverending cause of the mind that it tore siphoning the afterglow light of the soul losing itself within the mind to the dull

there's a faulty in the cable hidden, subtle cut of the intertwined do's that made all stable tampering the sacred oath of willingness to call with rust it broaden, uncouth until no one could tell

there's a faulty in the heart fragile, yet decently devious as much as it is smart evading that eye that should be pointed by the dart ever the escapee, never taking its own part

there's a faulty in the poem stubborn, without mind of its own a canvas of the heart that never truly shone trading one lies for another, yet again a mundane tune

[ram-de]

shoreline

sometimes i wonder if i have any left a sense of self i tread the path uncaring of guides and maps and yet have the audacity to ask what is it like to dream?

sometimes i ponder to think of my path a semblance of future i stop and lay gazing my eyes towards the sky closing my eyes and slept as i dreamed what is it like to be?

sometimes i jolted awake from my slumber a pulsing beats of dread i breathe and breathe as i cries of daunt reaching for my own heart and grasp what is it like in the present?

sometimes i look back to see how far i've walked a whisper of regret i focus on the unfazed ground that said nothing giving no answer to the mountains of whys and whats i kept why am i?

sometimes i just let it be an amount of time passing the curious self, the unknown future, the lingering dread, the shackling regret, another attempt to walk on and on

[ram-de]

Hear hear

Whispering sky come close For somewhere far away it chose The iridescent heart that beats faintly In time he opts for silence in misery

Tale woven passing through that but clicks Enduring, closing tight, with naught but risks Repulsion within ire and mirth In time he stays for the peace of birth

Tick tock, the clock reminds Step and feints with nothing to aligns Pouring deep within This hollow void of mine

[ram-de]

wither, wither

surrendered to the night, come forth, come forth,

built all this might of facade, disdain, disdain,

langushing the truth, eradicate, eradicate,

tethering the faint string, abide, abide,

lie close nearby, wither, wither