#rambling about fanfic writing process but god I love pov

[bluedalahorse]

Still thinking about Erik and Linda in that post I just reblogged, and how they show up in fic.

One thing I’m thinking about, is how I’ve never fretted over whether or not to add a tag for imperfect Linda, but I’m currently fretting about whether to add a tag for imperfect Erik, or what tags I should add to give people a heads up about him. I don’t know what that says about our collective response to those two characters, or say, how we view mothers vs older brothers and the roles they should play.

The other thing things brings up for me is how important (but how untalked about by fandom) point of view is in fanfic. I’m guessing most fanfic is written from Wilhelm’s point of view, when it isn’t written from Simon’s. From Wilhelm’s point of view, as long as we’re pre-s3, Erik is going to be a supportive older brother, the person who weathered life as a kid royal alongside him. Meanwhile, Linda is going to seem warm and kind to him, compared to Kristina. Wilhelm doesn’t have to live with Linda every day, so he might have a rosier view of her than he would otherwise.

As someone who generally writes from the POVs of Sara and August, however, Linda and Erik occupy much different spaces in their brain. Sara sees Linda as someone who didn’t leave Micke fast enough, who is constantly putting Sara’s little brother in a position to parent Sara and limit her independence. Of course Sara is going to resent that! And if I’m writing Linda in a fic from Sara’s POV, of course those traits are going to be framed through a different lens than if Wille were the POV character. In this canon divergence I’m writing, where Sara Eriksson (age 16 and playing hooky from her public school classes) shows up on Hillerska’s campus one day… well, of course Erik is going to interact with a working class girl very differently than he would members of his immediate family. And Sara’s not going to have the warm connection with him that Wilhelm does. To her, he is a face on the news, and not even a face she thinks is particularly cute.

August, meanwhile, has a complicated as fuck relationship with Erik. In light of season 3, a lot of fans ask how August went from being bullied by Erik and the third years to being friends with Erik and the third years. For the sake of fic writing and also understanding the show, I tend to see this less as a linear timeline where first year August went from Bullied to Accepted and more that all of these things were happening at once, because that does happen IRL in some relationships. In some ways Erik is August’s lifeline—the only family August has at school, and what’s more, August has convinced himself that other people only pay attention to him because Erik makes them include him sometimes. Meanwhile, however, Erik is putting August through a lot of bullying/hazing/torment with the intention of like, “oh, this is how we train you up as an acceptable upper class man.” Erik sees himself as doing the right thing because the men in his life have done this for him, and August sees it as care because it’s what his father did for him before he died but also… it’s stifling August and killing him. He’s in denial about it because confronting the fact that this is hurting him, and acknowledging that Erik is hurting him this way, makes August worried that he’d be completely alone. And he already feels alone in his grief.

Anyway. I really enjoy writing the mix of yearning and resentment that comes with that, even if it’s emotionally difficult.

In conclusion, a lot of the positive vs negative characterization of certain characters comes down to POV and I think that’s why we should talk about POV in fanfiction more. (Because it really is just. So delicious.)

[your-local-uwu-artist]

its fitting its kirby day cause today my animation on youtube reached 1k views <3 i really dont have the words to describe how thankful i am~

anyhow some sketches i got and bits from my curretn wip video essay (im more then halfway through my initial draft!!!) the fic "being a knight is easy" by @/azzie_tangerine under the cut

anyway i wanna talk more about my process on my curretn wip, bassically to make iteasier on me i diecided to just do a re-read taking notes of litterally whatever comes to mind along the way, some of it is complete unrelated nonsense, some of it is just noting a specefic thing i liked, some are vague start ups for something to think more into, and others are more fledged out paragarpahs of anaylsysis, bassically i was just typing in the notes app but now im switching to google docs cause it keeps lagging sdafnksd anyway once i finihs the main first draft then ill start working on organizing everything and cutting out the side rambles, after its more organized i can work on more actual anaylsisi writing, decideding when an excerpt or quote is needed or not and actually making it a script, im not sure how many drafts ill have

anyway, heres the snippets ive found that are more comprehensive

"we've reveiewed hw the battles are written this one is very different as kriby is feeling confident now but there is a snippet of text in it i want to bring to attention

"Fluff said it was okay to be forgetful, it was a part of him. And sometimes, accepting something won’t work is better than trying to force it… right?"

i would like to note the word acceptance and the phrase "it was a part of him" sense are other protag has a part of him he needs to accept, its small and aubtle but it really neat how are 2 povs segments are so intertwined" (note on battle scene in chapter 15)

"okay also this part is very much a me thing but i really want to point it out because it would be a fun scene to adapt to a visual medium, probably animation rather than comic but i love a challenge but there's a scene or two where metaknight talks about knight stuff to kirby while they like, go through different stances, the point is it would be super fucking fun to adapt to animation, if i do ever adapt this fic as a comic or something than i do thing the dialogue of this scene would probably be one with more changes sense in a written medium this had more writing to like, start the scene where as in a visual format it would be more seamless for the act to have less words to start it and expand and shorten some parts of meta's dialogue to match with the comic flow, as word bubbles are very much a part of comic art" ( i didnt note what chapter it was form god damn im gonna have a lot of editing to do later)

"i think one thing this whole fic does really well BUT ESSPECIALLY helps scenes that need more tension in them is the variety in length of paragraphs, okay i really hate when people complain about fanfics without paragraph gaps cause like, i get it the writer is just tryin to get their ideas down and share them and honestly fuck it i know im in the minority here but ive always found that often these fanfics arent at all bad because i can feel that the author cares aout it and had an idea and all that, BUT.... i do think that paragraph gaps are a storytelling tool on their own. its like an extremely watered down version of panel layouts, emphasis on extremely watered down because panel layouts are a LOT like a LOT a LOT, so much more than some people realize but it has a similar effect in the sense that it impacts the sense of the passage of the time and it creates a sense of rhythm but most of all it can create emotion and communicate through the empty space" (on the first battle scene i think)

[wetcatspellcaster]

I am eagerly Consuming An Honest Lie, which has bumped Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth to a beloved second place for the fic I'm most excited to read. Your dedication to that pale man's little funky brain, and his plotting and falling and confusion is blissfully stressful to me. I get it, and I do not get it at all times. I've never experienced that when reading before. The "EW, no don't say you love me" "but wait I kind of wanted you to" energy. Halsin's massive fucking tits. The whiplash of emotion between that line and where we ended. My dream of this is you release an annotated copy with little notes of either 1) what these blorbos are actually thinking/feeling or 2) what you were thinking when you wrote it. Also kudos on handling the anons flirting with you over your fic. Parasocial blah blah blah, but I feel like they're being utterly charmed and seduced by your creativity, vibes, and brain waves and that's kind of a bop.

Hi anon!!

Thank you for being so nice about An Honest Lie! I had a lot of apprehension/uncertainty about continuing A Bleeding Heart beyond early access even though people did request it in comments. Partly bc it's a fic that's quite close to my heart, but also early access is a much tighter narrative arc than full access lol. Full access is a lot of rambles, as you can already tell by the change in the chapter wordcounts. With all that to be anxious about behind the scenes, it's nice and heartwarming to know someone appreciates it. All in all, I like writing Astarion POV so it's nice to have that excuse again, even if he's 10 times more complicated than he used to be!

(Also Halsin has massive fucking tits. This is just facts. Even an asexual Astarion would recognise basic anatomy.) <- I'm afraid this is the kind of annotation you would receive, I do not know if this truly elaborates or improves upon the fanfic experience, my brain is not a very complicated place. A lot of the blorbos' thoughts are either 'anxiety4anxiety' or 'Insight roll: 2'. A lot of my thoughts are along the lines of 'have you spent three sentences describing someone's anxiety spiral AGAIN, *Miranda Priestly voice* Groundbreaking' or 'fuck, what bodyparts touch in this kiss to make it different from the last kiss???'

As to the final part of your message, 1. I'm fascinated by the concept that anyone could have a parasocial relationship with me, I'm literally Just Some Guy. 2. Listen, I don't get flirted with very often, so if writing emotionally stunted vampire twinks is what finally gets me bitches, then thank god, for I have few other skills. 3. My charisma modifier is negative IRL, so a little spice that I can take 3-5 business days to process is actually an ideal format for me. Like a letter in an Austen novel.

(unfortunately for you, I'm replying today bc I'm trying to clear my inbox before I travel 😊)

[hanalwayssolo]

1, 2, 10, 18, 20 for the writing asks!

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

By 'current' projects, I'd take that as the ones actively consuming my brain, and they are:

What We Ought To Give, part 3 and final series under The Burden We Share. It's an Uncharted fanfic centered on my OC Darcy Kingsley and her absolutely tumultuous relationship with Sam Drake. For the progress, I'm on my last stretch for the remaining chapters (6 more to go!) and I am stressed lmao. Anyway, what I love most about it... a lot, strangely enough? I love Darcy and her twins, the special family dynamic, and the notion that you can still find love (and love can still find you!) at whatever age or phase in life you're in. Also, I rarely read stories that revolve around a woman in her late thirties/forties who gets to do shit that’s more than just about being a mother, that they can be both a mother AND whoever they want to be, so here’s that, too.

Laws of Motion, part 2 and final series under The Science of Us. A FFXV fanfic I had to put on hold because the lore is bigger than my own life!! 🤣  But I'm writing and rewriting bits and pieces just so I can keep it moving even at such a horribly slow pace. What I love most about it is the big-ass found family energy, my dearest baby Briony, my Messengers, Cor the (not so) Immortal falling in love with an actual immortal that is Candela. 🤍

Renegades. A BNHA fanfic that's been in progress for quite a while, and since I have no time to focus on it, it does pick at my brain with plotbunnies from time to time. Tells the story of people discovering their Quirks for the first time and how they come to terms with it. Features POVs of people from different parts of the world. What I love most about it: Kit Fujiwara, her friendships with Xiomara, Tala, Miguel, and Odessa.

2. Tell us about what you're most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project.

There's this original story I've been keen on writing soon. The premise: it's set on one of the most beautiful islands in the Philippines but also believed to be one of the most mysterious. Siquijor holds a special place in my heart, and so does Corazon, a former classics teacher who came home from NYC to look after her mother. But her homecoming is soon mired by the faces of past lovers who have wronged her, and memories are quite a trigger for her need for blood. 🥴

10. How would you describe your writing process?

A fucking mess, that’s what 🤧

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

God we can talk about this all day, but The Burden We Share in particular has tons of AUs. @oc-musings​ knows this all lmao

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I have a lot of these in What We Ought To Give!!!! 🥺  And I remember going on full on meta on this lovely reader who asked stuff about Darcy’s connection with the twins and how I’ve been hinting at that ever since the beginning of the chapter. As an avid reader, I love paying attention to details - like some nicknames matter, and how mannerisms are described, and I love incorporating these things into my writing. Just leaving a trail of crumbs and all that. 

Fun meta asks for writers

[filipinoizukuu]

gooood mornin' codi I woke up way late today but I finally remembered that I was meaning to send you an ask about what your anti-pet peeves for fics are (since you did pet peeves a while ago). in more sensible terms, what are things in fics that you really like?

anyways hope you have a wonderful day byeeee :]

! g'morning snail <3<3 and omg this ask.... positive vibes! thank you for asking :'D (this got really long so i put the rest under the cut :'))

im gonna do this in the same format as last time, so same disclaimers that these are all a matter of personal preference for me and just because they're absent from a fic doesn't mean its not a good fic!! i love yall fanfic writers v v much n appreciate ur service o7

in terms of writing, i'm not really picky over grammar or spelling or punctuation errors again, as long as its intuitively understandable. the following are just along the veins of writing styles i like!

- i love love LOVE deadpan humor and snarky dialogue. characters mouthing off at each other but still in character is always my absolutely favorite thing

- actually, good dialogue in general is enough to carry even the most "overused" tropes and plot-holey fics. Characters having excellent dynamics and playing off each other's energy and generally just not talking uniformly absolutely fucks!!

- fics that have good pacing. enough said. im absolutely feral for those.

- I love really rambly writing. The kind where topics jump from different things before coming back to the main point, because I think its a really interesting sneak peak into both 'realistic' thinking processes and also the author's personality. Think something similar to Victor Hugo's writing, but a little more personal and snarky.

- Third person POVs. <3. Sometimes 2nd person if its done right, bc homestuck showed me its an excellent device for some absolutely bangin jokes

For tropes or general things i enjoy, i really really like:

- PLOTTY FICS. god. if its multi-chaptered and has a compelling plot that isn't just "defeating another baddie!" and actually puts characters in really interesting situations, SIGN ME TF UP!!! This is the reason i really liked TWYUTD and Here, Here.

- In addition to the point above, I also really like time travel fix-it fics and kid fics! (both 'x character turned into a child' and 'x ship accidentally acquire children').

- ...i also really really like canon divergence fics. like any fic that has to do with taking a path slightly different from canon?? HELL yes.

- im a. glutton for shameless tooth-rotting fluff (snail u are absolutely one of the people to blame for this omg). i love domestic fluff but also like, courting fluff. the reason i really REALLY liked Here, Here was bc of all the sappy shit bkdk did together and how smooth katsuki was. love that shit.

- OUGH enemies to lovers or rivals to lovers or meet ugly. any of these variations are GREAT as long as there is tension. I love the flirting in these fics //sighs dreamily

- self-indulgent fics where ppl make x character extremely hot. the fic doesnt even have to be about that--its just that the second i read about my comfort character (in bnha's case: deku) being perceived as pretty and badass

- mutual pining. oh god mutual pining. especially the kind where everyone else can see it nd like the only people in denial are each other

- PARENTS!! LOVING!!! THEIR KID'S!! PARTNERS!!! also just good parenting in general. i get really tired of bad parenting tropes used for backstories

for bnha specific likes?? i have quite a few

- BIG THREE BEING GOOD FRIENDS. i love it when fics have shouto, katsuki, and izuku as really close and joking with each other

- shameless everybodys-in-love-with-deku enthusiast. everyone loves him all the time. they have to.

- DAD MIGHT (bonus points if either bisexual dad might or toshinko OR both)

- class 1a being generally close, not just with each other but also with the other classes and schools. mmm thats good.

- redemption arcs or fics where the lov are just petty or slowly assimilating into like, practically harmless people. i love seeing fics where dabi and shouto argue on the phone like big brothers, or even like melancholic takes where tenko gets imprisoned but him and deku talk regularly

- MAHORO AND KATSUMA MY BELOVEDSSSS

- . tall kacchan. thats. listen i just. like it when people are tall. bonus points if also tall ochako

- DOMESTIC ROOMMATES/HERO DUO BKDK!!!! WIN TO SAVE SAVE TO WIN!!! MEDIA'S DARLINGS!!!!!!! cries ok u cant tell me they wouldnt open up a heros agency after they graduate ok? ok.

- quirkless aus except theyre all still famous whcch is absolutely why i adore 'are u dating??'

- bkdk being so aware of each other and knowing each other so well that they can basically read each others minds and practically finish each other's sentences

- oblivious idiots <3<3

- deku n bakugou being real smart <3

- quirkless vigilante deku fics........ <3

[chigusaeyes]

Nobuyuki thought(s) that i had

fyi Buyan = No[Bu]yuki + [yan]dere ; as Nobu & Yuki are shorthands already in use

This isn’t so much of an attempt to explain or Rationalize of Buyan’s means of expressing his yandere - it’s really more like a thought or consideration on things tying TO it and potentially something that, were I to write fanfic from his POV or angled around him as a character, I might...include or note upon at an appropriate point.

Note: screenshots that are not mine will be sourced, otherwise all screenshots ARE in fact mine.

SO.

Buyan is the Sanada clan heir. He is utterly devoted to his clan and his duties as heir - that has never been in question; he is responsible, he is trusted implicitly (by the Sanada and from the looks of it, by those in Ueda/at least the city (town?)) around the castle, and honestly, he’s adored - again by his clan and the others mentioned. Saizo is an exception insofar as adoration/etc, but he does seem to trust in the fact (at least) that Nobuyuki IS wholly dedicated to the Sanada and the clan’s well-being/future/etc.

I do not know how much background is given in other Sanada-related LI routes, but for certain in Buyan’s, it goes into his history/growing up, etc. 

At least...partially, as Buyan himself only reveals so much - some of those details, imo, are important! But ever the mysterious angel-faced manipulator, he almost always smoothly glides the conversation back to MC herself. Leaving MC up to learning from everyone around her + Buyan to inform her and fill her in - even Masayuki himself!

But the overall gist is that Nobuyuki’s life is not his own. His life is for the Sanada, he must live for them - both figuratively AND literally. It’s part of the final confrontation in his route - he must live, no matter the cost, as he is the one who will ensure the Sanada’s survival (and potential rebuilding and/or expansion, even) regardless of what happens to Yukimura and Masayuki.

As such, his life is planned out more or less from the beginning. Now, due to his temperament (likely how he’s been raised helps too, I’m sure, but his temperament is DEFINITELY suited to his role as clan heir), he has accepted this - his role, his duties, his Purpose...there’s no plot point in his route for him trying to shuck the role nor does MC try to convince him to live for himself, etc. 

Again, being clan heir suits him - he is a natural charmer, manipulation requires some practice but he’s clearly already a Master, as well as a tactician and, well, he’s fucking smart. No if and or buts about it.

The closest to anything approaching a negative is the weight of having to stay behind, unknowing of his brother, his father - the people important to him - until he gets news of them/they arrive home. And that IS hard. Yukimura is a brilliant warrior but he’s not invincible and he is the Warrior between the two of them. Buyan can clearly hold his own in a fight, he’s still a samurai after all, but again. Heir, not the Warrior.

Which, again, is said a number of times in his route & I wouldn’t doubt more than once in Yukkins’s own route, take just this scene for example:

SOURCE

All of this rambling leads me to my main thought regarding his behavior towards MC in his route/previous ES/etc featuring him + MC; Nobuyuki’s life, purpose, existence...is the Sanada clan’s. His childhood wasn’t even his because after his & Yuki’s mother died, atop being heir, he more or less took over raising + tending to Yukimura as well (and in his subtle ways, continues to do so SOBS).

And just as his life is his clan’s, the clan has placed the entirety of their trust in his hands (not simply bc he is heir, he is a DAMN sharp man and brilliant politician, truly) and his decisions, thus, are taken more or less at face value. And because of this trust placed in him, his father has thus allowed Buyan to actually choose his own wife, rather than numerous attempts at arranging marriages/etc. 

Very impressive indeed.

It is a duty, of course, but one that Masayuki (and the clan) trust him to fill & trusts in his choice of a bride with essentially little to no questioning. Even as Masayuki knows about his son’s...occasional “eccentric behavior” and his strict list of necessary Sanada Bride qualifications. Buyan is, apparently, allowed to be as picky as he chooses.

Regardless of his son’s eccentricities, I have little reason to doubt that Masayuki has been one if the biggest (as Nobuyuki was older than Yukimura when their mother died, so she would have had time to influence/leave impressions on him herself) factors in Nobuyuki’s education, in all his duties as heir, not to mention implementing values upon Buyan - especially IN regards to marriage and finding a wife. 

This brings up questions that I have little time for, as analyzing Masayuki is not the point of this post. 

Instead, I would like to point out this particular piece of advice from Nobuyuki’s route and how it rings true to me in regards to his relationship with MC, regardless of his dangerously subtle yandere mentality:

Nobuyuki wants to know everything there is about MC. As suited to his subtle yandere ways, he will manipulate her and ensure that she comes to him to more or less reaffirm (to him, in his mind) that she does, in fact, want him. And that she loves him. 

He doesn’t not force or coerce these affirmations (I call these as such bc yandere-types frequently tend to need Affirmations from their Beloved to appease their obsession/possessiveness/insecurities/etc etc etc and while not blatant in this way, Buyan does seem to have at least a Smidge - even if it’s mostly for his), but instead sets up a strategic stage (arguably something of a game) that instead ensures MC comes to him herself and  As demonstrated in his thoughts from his Draughts of Starlight ES:

Source

Of course, there’ve been times where Buyan is caught off guard by things MC does, be it unexpected demonstrations of kindness/affection, making him his favorite dessert without her even knowing it is his favorite, her resilience & matching his own force of will when directly confronting him, etc etc etc. 

His reactions tend towards being surprised and then shifting to fascination and either amusement & often at least a level of curiosity OR as we do get to see, strong urges of affection. And when he shows that affection, boy, it is like unleashing a tidal wave. His feelings are next level Intense and his expression of them is no different.

Holy fuck, this is probably just vague tangents vaguely related to the entire reason I started this post in the first place at this point. Let’s get TO what I could have said in fewer words.

THOUGH, a quick addendum - regardless of his choice in wife, since whoever he chooses as his wife will meet those requirements of his (some exceptions, like noble lineage, are excused like in the Draughts ES because MC is Perfect in Every Way otherwise, and I assume the same goes for MC in his own route), she will thus be ideal and him, being the gentle yandere he is, would not want to let her go. Or for her to escape. The classic most example in Yukimura’s...route? (I’m fairly sure this is) in response to Saizo calling [Nobuyuki] his [future] wife’s [prison] Warden:

Source

God, I love your beautiful face and fluffy hair, Buyan. 

Ahem, anyways.

ALL of these various...points...I’ve touched upon, IN MY OPINION, all point to a likely...thought process? behind Buyan’s attitude towards his MC. The MC, his bride...

And it is in your best interest to NOT forget that she is his. Even you, Yukkins, cannot afford to pose a threat to your beloved brother in this regard:

Source

His, as Nobuyuki is keen to remind, [future] wife...

A person who was to fulfill yet another duty of his to his clan, a theoretical woman that was - regardless of even being his ideal bride - ultimately, intrinsically, merely part of one of the numerous obligations that were expected of him as heir...Well, back to his ES again (I had more screenshots myself to use as well but I spilled coffee on my laptop and now it’s drying SOB) to let Buyan say it himself:

Source

...turns out to be what/who he regards as The Greatest Blessing of his life. 

And not just randomly or by chance either. HE chose her himself, for himself, of his own volition. Somehow, within the contract - as he refers to it - of his life, one of the few things he could, in fact, choose for himself...brings him utter satisfaction. He’s not pleased, he feels blessed by this choice he made - taking a chance with a young woman who captured his fascination and hit essentially all his switches. Risky? Certainly.

But a risk he was willing to take and the payoff was more than even this angel-faced mastermind could have anticipated.

This boils down to, essentially, the fucking thought I had in the first place in regards to some contemplative insight into Buyan’s POV/Buyan focused perspective regarding his route’s MC. Let’s do a quick summary:

Nobuyuki is the clan heir, he was born into it, bound by the obligation, and was settled into his role very neatly.

Nobuyuki is allowed to make decisions for the Sanada as he is trusted by his clan & family.

Nobuyuki is trusted with these decisions and has the clan’s trust because he has obviously proven over the years, after getting involved in the duties as clan heir and future clan head, that his choices are those that will most benefit the clan.

Nobuyuki’s choices will always most benefit the clan, they must, and so while he has access to a wide variety of means to accomplish what must be done and he is allowed to make any choice (often without any explanation of what he did, or why he did, required of him), he ultimately is bound by the duty + obligation that whichever choice he makes, it is always for the clan’s greatest benefit.

Thus he is allowed to choose his own wife, so long as she is a suitable addition to the Sanada clan...and she meets his Must Haves list.

MC doesn’t have wealth, isn’t of a noble lineage, nor does she bring in any sort of plentiful dowry...But that is 1 miss versus hitting every. other. requirement. on Nobyuki’s Wifey Must Haves list.

Even before meeting her, he’s already decided that - once he has all the information on her collected (I’ll give him credit, he DID initially think this “interesting new retainer” of Shingen’s was a Uesugi spy so it’s not like he was just...randomly choosing young women to look into) - her actions demonstrate her courage and she might be just what he needs. For a few things. Jinpachi may have well confirmed or denied this since he’s been keeping an eye on MC for Nobuyuki until he got there.

Once he’s made his decision, he will stick to it because it would be a waste of (multiple) opportunities.

He didn’t think, of course, that he might catch Feelings (his ES also shares this in common), but really, when does anyone?

Insert drama.

In the end, he is able to have/keep the woman he’d chosen and she loves him and accepts him for who he is. According to her. Granted she sees him as more mischevious than dangerous, BUT, when you love a yandere wholeheartedly and they love you, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the overall perception???

They’ll be married, soon, and according to Buyan, he wants to be married a-fucking-sap. Enthusiasm? Honestly, I’m sure he does feel that. Officially binding the two of them together? Most certainly plays a part, too.

And thus: Nobuyuki loves MC and she loves him. He will do anything & everything he can to make her happy regardless that his foremost obligation is to prioritize his clan above all else.

He will ensure that she is so happy, so enraptured, SO in love with him...that her thoughts will be saturated with little else BUT him (he goes so far as to label this desire of his as a need of his). MC will NOT end up dissatisfied with him, she will NOT feel neglected feeling due to his duties...and as for him?

His bride. His wife [to-be]. His MC (he does refer to MC as his [MC’s name] in the Divine end. Divine end epilogue? UGH IF ONLY I HAD MY SCREENSHOTS). The woman he chose to fulfill one of the (few) obligations that he had (arguably) the most control over...is everything he could have expected. Even, dare I say, hoped for. 

MC bypassed Nobuyuki’s Very High and Specific Requirements and captured his heart utterly. Just as he’s captured her and her heart.

Regardless of some short-term surprise on his clan/father’s behalf, they all accept his explanation that she is exactly what the Sanada clan needs. And his clan does, in fact, fall in love with her. His father approves of her, regardless of her common birth, and Yukimura is SO enthusiastic about the two of them and is so happy for his brother - for the both of them. 

MC, in turn, accepts and loves them as her own family & clan (because they are as such now). She has promised herself to him and has promised to be with him through those heart-gripping times of waiting and the unknown, to support him in any way she can, and to stand at his side always. She is determined to do all she can as a Sanada bride, as the heir’s wife. As Nobuyuki’s wife.

His. His wife. His choice. His his his his HIS.

The bride, the wife, the woman he specifically chose for himself. Likely one of the very few, if next to never, self-serving choices he’s made. All wrapped up in an honest boon to the clan. An excellent decision, one that is trusted and accepted, that isn’t countered.

In my perspective, this utter...obsessive devotion, this possessive love, is likely fueled by the fact that a selfish decision on his part worked for beyond the good he could have expected and now he is never going to let her go. And he’s never going to allow anyone to threaten their happiness, their relationship, ever. Her eyes might remain on him, and he wants them too, and while he rains affection on her, he’ll have those who so much as stare at her too long thoroughly understand the risks (and even consequences) of such poorly thought out actions.

Thx for coming to my Excessively, Unnecessarily Long TedTalk on some minor...analysis of a small portion of Nobuyuki’s yandere thought process in relation to his MC.

[asagimeta]

I sometimes wonder if the dark arc we kept getting alluded to is... actually what was happening. like, it's made clear that Scott's telling this story to someone else in the finale, so the recurring element of unreliable narration means that we'd get the hints of what really, objectively, happened. We don't critically consider Scott and his POV because he doesn't challenge us to. As the storyteller, he is The Only Good Alpha, and we should all believe (in) him.

That’s very possible

The trouble I always run into is trying to decide critically how much of interpretations like that were intentionally Jeff Davis trying to leave us breadcrumbs without coming right out and saying something (wich as a storytelling device, there’s nothing wrong with) and how much is meta writers trying to make sense of bad writing

To be clear, I think Teen Wolf in general had some really outstanding writing! But alot of points fall so flat, especially in the end, that it casts a bad shadow on the rest of the series, made worse by the fact that really great critical questions like this are overshadowed by some truly terrible writing points that call into question just how much of the Teen Wolf Is A Smarter Show Than PR Implies It To Be thought process is real and how much is wishfull thinking

There are shows like American Gods and American Horror Story that generally have writing good enough to hold questions like these without the fandom (usually) calling into question if meta theories are just “reading too much into it”, true, part of the reason Teen Wolf is prone to this is because Teen Wolf befell a truly unfortunate circumstance of appealing to both those who recognize Teen Wolf is a gritty horror show and those who started it with the thought that it would be about hot teenage werewolves playing lacrosse and were … upset…. that it didn’t stay that way, but part of it is also because the writing did things like creating a werelion with virtually no explanation and spending an entire season telling us that Lydia was no longer in school save for one AP Bio class….. and then spending the next season showing her taking a very obviously not biology class with Malia of all people….

I personally think that Teen Wolf was intended to have deeper storylines but BTS stuff lead to alot of it getting changed, edited, or flat out cut for whatever reason and lead to what’s essentially a butchery of the original intention

Scott is probably the best example of this, the argument can easily be made that he’s an unreliable narrator and that calls into question pretty much everything about Teen Wolf other than the fact that he is, in fact, a werewolf, the problem is questioning if Teen Wolf is smart enough to have made Scott an unreliable narrator intentionally, or if that was just something that happens to fit because the details of Teen Wolf are so often messy, nonsensical, and retconning

Scott being an unreliable narrator would explain almost all of the plot holes, even ones that don’t include him- the Lydia thing, for example, he wasn’t present in that season six class with Lydia, he could have easily just sprouted a classroom as the setting for that incident because he was working with secondhand information, hell she could have still been in AP bio when it happened and for whatever reason he just didn’t translate that- but ofcourse the problem comes in, at that point, discerning 1. How much of Teen Wolf he was narrating (was it just the last episode? The last season? All of it? There’s no way to tell with 100% certainty) and 2. How much of it was a lie? Did he just fudge things here and there out of innocent forgetfullness- who could blame him if he was telling four years worth of heavily detailed garbage?- or was he making up entire plot points to make himself come off as a hero? If that’s the case we can’t trust anything at all, we can’t even trust that Stiles is a real person or that Allison is dead, and if we go that far, then theorizing on Teen Wolf past “Scott is an unreliable narrator and probably the villain of the story” is a bit moot because there’s no sure way to determine what Scott was honest about and what he lied about

I’ve gotten a little off the wind here but I have two ways of veiwing Teen Wolf:

-The Fandom Veiw: Canon is canon and things like Magical Stiles and Sterek being endgame are magnificent headcanons but sadly nothing more, that’s why I write fanfic! Generally speaking, Scott is a good egg, he’s just got a selfish streak and can be a little dim sometimes

And

-The Meta Veiw: Scott is the bad guy here and there’s 406854034085 things to unpack about this story that just Don’t Make Sense, mostly because of his unreliable narration

I’m conflicted about what I prefer personally

I will say that as dark-Scott readings go, I really heavily question that the entire intention of Teen Wolf was to tell the story of a villain rising, I know that’s popular among the dark-Scott readings but I just have a hard time seeing it as the original intention, remember that no one really expected Teen Wolf to go past the first one or two seasons, and although Scott definitely had his selfish-teen-streak in full effect during the beginning of the show, I’d hardly call him evil

It really wasn’t until season four that we started seeing storylines that could present him as an actual villain and not just a good-intentioned- if not selfish and at times borderline abusive- idiot who got stuck in a story he never wanted to be part of

I think if this is the case about Scott, then it wasn’t intended to be that way until season four, season three at the earliest, just based personally on how I read the series, I think how he treated Liam was the turning point in terms of visibly seeing him going down a dark path- not biting Liam, as he didn’t have much choice there, but what happened after

I also think that losing Allison was the turning point for him, or perhaps just the turning point in the writing, I don’t think anyone thought Crystal leaving would happen so when it did, it changed alot of paths for Teen Wolf, and Scott’s morality may have been one of those paths

I’ve rambled and rambled on here but this is just one of those things where I’m so conflicted about it because I think it really makes alot of logical sense and Ii wouldn’t be at all surprised if tommorrow morning, Davis tweeted that this was the idea all along, but at the same time I’m not necessarily sure if I believe it was intended to be this way, you know?

But I love talking about it so feel free to ask me more about it!!

[tayegi]

Equilibrium is blowing my mind 😮😮😮 I never expected jungkook to suddenly turn into some possessive psycho jerk 😨😨 I really hope he gets his shit together. What the flying f*ck 😱😱😱 In fact It'd be cool if Jin suddenly showed up with food and The OC leaves that chaotic relationship for food 😂😂😂😂 EVRYONE WOULD PICK FOOD OVER RELATIONSHIPS. right ? Am i the only one lol *cries*

AHHHH THANK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEIR LOVELY ASKS!!! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE HEALTHY, NON-PROBLEMATIC REACTIONS TO GROSS, CONTROLLING MEN! 

Anonymous said:Sorry for being late to the party lol, but I just read the new update of Equilibrium and I felt so fucking anxious and scared for the oc. I don't know how in the hell, some ppl find jungkook's actions hot when he is literally being psychotic and obsessive. Especially the part when he told her 'You'll regret it', he's basically threatening her there. It's obvious the whole relationship they have is toxic af and it only seems to be getting worse as time passes. Apart from that, have a nice day!

Anonymous said:OMG EQUILIBRIUM 11 Omg I still have goosebumps, like Jungkook was being so fucking possessive it scared the shit out of me. Even tho It was a shitty move for the oc to not attend his graduation, she still could had attended but that phone call... I don't want this to turn into some creepy murdering fanfic LOL. Ughhh Jungkook what is even going in your mind? I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! xx :)

Anonymous said:Dude, you did such a great job at writing o/c's anxiety in this chapter. I try not to be bias toward her, but it's really hard since the story us in her pov. I got seriously grossed out by JK, man. I was so uncomfortable with the whole morning ordeal. 😩 And his threat at the end?? I know it's a story, but I had my friend-instincts kick in and I just wanted to shake her and be like "PLEASE LEAVE THIS RN PLEASE" (1)

Anonymous said:(2) And I'm curious about how Jimin would react if he knew how JK was acting. He has this idea that JK is a perfect boy, but if only he knew...But, at the same time, they all have this distorted view of one another, huh? We see Jimin as Mr. Perfect cause that's how o/c sees him. I guess it goes into that whole "unreliable narrator" thing? I'm just writing what thoughts the chapter has provoked. I absolutely love how u pay attention to detail in this story!! Awesome job as usual, mane 😊🙆

Anonymous said:Jungkook needs to take a moment to realize how miserable and uncomfortable the OC is like my goodness. Things have gone waaaaaay downhill. Especially for the OC. Also Jungkook actions are just kind of creepy??? And just like so unhealthy. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship, and she still loves Jimin and all, but the OC needs to just get out of there.

Anonymous said:omg jk is becoming such a possessive creep like reading the last part gave me chills tbh. they all need to realize that this relationship is v toxic and dip out of it. i kind of expected this to become what it is from the beginning but you still added twists to it that caught me off guard, thanks for being a great writer lu

Anonymous said:oh man that last chapter. just really fucking scary.... i went back and reread the end of ch.10 to recap and it makes me wonder how far y/n's willing to go for what's "worth it" in exchange for her own personal well being. because fuck, what jungkook is exhibiting is extremely concerning. as always your writing is amazing! thank you for using your free time this way, i'm sorry people are being gross and rude. you don't deserve that kinda shit, lu :(

Anonymous said:I genuinely love how you describe the OC as a trapped bird, and seeing how Jungkook reacted to everything is actually causing me to fear for the OC's well-being. I just want her to exist the whole relationship and just hook up with sunshine, can do no wrong hobi instead of the possessive junglecock and the passive Jimin :/ just my thoughts. But you're an extremely talented writer and your PhD is more important than smutty fanfic, so take all the time you need

Anonymous said:Ok first of all what the hell at ppl asking u for quick updates cuz ive lived with phd students they literally have a never ending to do list and im so amazed at ur ability to find time to write unbelievable. U go girl. And 2ndly, the claustraphobia u mentioned that oc was feeling. That was so detailed and even i felt like i was in her place. And jk..uve characterized his possessiveness so well and i got so mad forgetting this was a fictional character i was ready to throw a chair

Anonymous said:eek jungkook is making the equilibrium relationship so unhealthy somebody punch him

Anonymous said:Jungkook makes me so uncomfortable and I can actually feel the claustrophobia that OC feels .-. Overall, really excited for the next parts and can't wait to reread to see if I can find more theories. Thanks for the new chapter!

Anonymous said:ch 11... HOLY FUCK SHE NEED TO GET OUT JK IS LOONEY!! you really know how to make a story really good dude. super excited for updates!! i'm really curious about jimin's thought process about all of this. you've given a really good insight on kook and oc but jimin is still a little hard for me to figure out, i assume that's coming soon? i feel for oc, i want to protect her and tell her she's stronger and smarter than all of this. she's worth more than all of this craziness!!! GIRL POWER!! lol

Anonymous said:Holy fucking shit everything is so messed up in equilibrium like !! I love it and at the same time i cry because of the way you describe the oc's feelings I SWEAR I CAN FEEL IT TOO HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I can feel everything, my heart is pounding so fast now. Im so into it and i just want her to run away from this toxic relationship and take care of herself first like i know she loves jimin to the core but she is more important my heart clenches at every exquisite word you writE THANK YOU SO MUCH

Anonymous said:The story is really great I love how original your writing is I don't even see the characters as Jm an jk Which allows me to see how disgusting they all let themselves be treated in the relationship, a lot of the times I feel like readers are blinded by the image of an idol it changes their perspective honestly even if it was just one person who was lying about loving the other it would still be just as horrible I'm really curious as to what's even going on and how you are going to continue it❤️

ahmie-cat said:I feel so sad for the oc in equilibrium. Jungkook don't own nobody! How dare he claim ownership on the oc! I will fight him any day! I'll fight for the oc's freedom rights. Lols, just kidding... But really all of the characters are so sad...

Anonymous said:Honestly in the earlier chapters i really liked Jungkook but now hes just scaring me. The way the OC reacts to all his actions is so relatable thats exaclty how I would feel in her situation. This is crazy I dont even know how this fic would end I love it so much

Anonymous said:I was the anon who recommended you watch wfkbj and I'm so glad you like it!! :) ALSO the latest chapter of equilibrium was so good oh my god;; it's just ramping up like tenfold and while I was reading it sometimes I just had to stop and take a breather bc of all the tension lol. Honestly I don't even know how the oc is dealing with jungkook rn bc his behavior would chill me to the very bone I would have to get out !!! Anyways as always thank you for updating

Anonymous said:ah goodness, it was autocorrect that changed jungkook to jongkook! maybe next time i'll just use jinglebook to refer to him instead thens ahahahah. "goodness gracious, jinglebook is hella possessive that i'm actually really scared for y/n :s"

Anonymous said:GIRL THANK YOU FOR UPDATING OMG IM SHAKING IN MY CHANKLAS JUNGKOOK IS SO DELUSIONAL AND I WISHED OC WOULDVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM AND LIKE IDK NOT MILK ON HIS CRAZYNESS IM JUST SO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SORRY FOR TYPING IN CAPS

Anonymous said:So, uh. Equilibrium Jungkook is fucking terrifying....

Anonymous said:I hope the oc in equilibrium leaves the relationship. It's so unhealthy and I feel like she might develop some type of mental illness or just be very stressed and anxious if she continues the relationship.... It's just a fanfic, but man, i'd hate to be in her position... I feel like crying Lols. Is this what you intended?? Haha.... It's really good so far I'm looking forward to what happens next. I feel like there'll be a good moral to the story. *Fingers crossing.

Anonymous said:Damn wtf jungkook behavior is freaking me out 😳 "you'll regret it" like wtf crazy people say shit like that

Anonymous said:jkzldlzlldz TF IS HAPPENING I'M SO CONFUSED JK IS CRAZY WTF OMG

Anonymous said:the characters in equilibrium seem to have never been in an actual proper relationship so the fact that they seem to have lasted this long is by sheer miracle. It's also probably why their worst aspects are even more apparent like jk's obsessiveness (which btw yikes boy yikesss) they literally all need to walk far far away from each other cause they a mess but I do wonder who's gonna be the first to do it cause it's all so complicated now, sorry for rambling I just love this fic so much!!

Anonymous said:What the ever loving monkey fuck is wrong with Jungkook. See, i was okay with him being jealous of Jimin because that's normal. I was moderately okay with OC agreeing to Jungkook's terms because she wants to stay with Jimin. I AM NOT OKAY with his sociopathic tendencies and how obsessive he's become. I think he's mistaken OCs genuine kindness for romantic interest at one point. And the thing that scares me the most is how Jimin seems to have no idea what's going on right under his nose as well

Anonymous said:Bruhhhh jungkook is legit fucking scary but the story itself is amazing and complex im gonna reread it right now

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is getting really interesting!! I'm kinda worried tht ppl read sentences like "Even a domesticated pet needs a taste of freedom" in context with her just /looking/ at jimin and think 'oh how romantic' tho. In every scene between her and jk u can practically feel her discomfort and fear and his possessiveness and how he's abusing her. I would normally stop reading a fic like tht bc I don't like it when the ppl are written like that bc they are real after all but I'm super hooked (1/2)

Anonymous said:(2/2)now and I am also really curious as to if and how they all are gonna get out of that situation or if jk kills her before they can just bc she takes care of a literally puking-everywhere-bedridden jimin. I'm also curious how Jimin is gonna act towards y/n now that they're alone and if he even noticed the toxic stuff that's happening between her and jk or if he didn't even notice bc jk kept him "happy" (idk how else to put it) so yeah. Keep up the great work!! Have a nice day xx

Anonymous said:GURL YOU NEED TO RUN FAST AND YOU NEED TO RUN FAR. It sucks that Jimin doesn't like OC romantically, but he's just using you to stay with JK. But JK... that shit is gonna hit the roof soon soon and it ain't gonna be pretty @.@

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, thanks for taking the time to update again~ Regarding the story...Jungkook is incredibly terrifying, like I had to step away a few times as I read because I just want the reader to leave so badly. I wish she would just be like "peace out". Everyone should just leave this situation and say "peace out". Even though I know the feelings are so complicated between all of them, it's just such a shit show on fire :( . Well done on setting everything up though. The tension is insane!

Anonymous said:Ugh I honestly want to slap Jungkook so hard. Possessive little shit.. As always your writing is amazing. Thank you for the update.

Anonymous said:OC, JIMINS DICK ISNT WORTH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GTFO THAT SITUATION GIRL IM SCREAMING

Anonymous said:JEONS FUCKED IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CUTE AND ALL AT FIRST BUT THEN IDK GIRL, I FEEL SORRY FOR JIMIN AND OC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE THIS AND I CERTAINLY LOVE YOU! IS HE PSYCHOTIC THO? FEELS LIKE JEON WOULD KILL ANYONE WHO DARE TO TOUCH OC..

mirajoey said:MY GAWDD!! Jeon Jungkook has gone mad😱 i pray for oc's safety

Anonymous said:i am terrified by jungkook's actions and NOTHING in this whole damn world is going to excuse what he is saying and doing in equilibrium. WHERE IS YOONGI DITCH THEM ALL Y/N AND GO FOR YOONGI. and today, i have been going through some really misogynic shit today and it felt so freaking uncomfortable and i was so angry and kind of frightened...i do not know how y/n is able to act like a normal person with jungkook around who is being very possessive and psycho-like

Anonymous said:When I first saw you updated Equilibrium I almost yelled "IMMA BUST MY LEFT NUT" (I was really excited lol) and now I'm lying here in a puddle of emotion really scared for the OC lol. I adore your writing so much, thank you for writing these xx

Anonymous said:JEON YOU CREEP. Man this is all such a disaster BUT I LOVE TO WATCH THE DRAMA UNFOLD. Anyways it was a great chapter and I am so e x c i t e for the next part to start. You da best 😆

Anonymous said:This is what your writing does to people, this is literally the only time I've ever dislike Jungkook that much in a fic. I wanted the OC and Jungkook together, but now I really thing all 3 should go their separate ways. Jungkook's possessiveness is getting too much, it's too obsessive. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time her own fault as well. As for Jimin who knows he may not be as oblivious as we think ?! He is using the OC to get with Jungkook in the first place.

Anonymous said:Equilibrium OC should just pack her fckin' bags there is no happy way out of this one

Anonymous said:(1/3) Right before I read this I watched this British PSA music video about abusive relationships, where a pregnant woman was choked to death by her boyfriend as she was trying to leave him and I feel like these people who romanticize these types of relationships forgot that this actually happens IRL. This happens to real women and men and some of them don't make it out alive. And when they try to defend it by saying "it's just a story, it's not real" it's very real for some people.

Anonymous said:(2/3) And the fact that the OC is having trouble sleeping and feeling this anxiety. And the that Jungkook didn't fell any sympathy/empathy for Jimin while he was ill, it just doesn't sit well with me. And the OC isn't innocent either. So afraid to shatter what's left of the already crumbling illusion she's built up. The need to keep the fantasy of this relationship with Jimin that I'm not sure existed outside of her mind. I really do enjoy this story and how you portray the characters.

Anonymous said:(3/3) The isolated relationships between the three of them is very realistic. I've seen some of my close friends go through similar situations. And it's hard to get out once you're in.Anonymous said:I cant believe anyone in their right mind is sympathizing with Jungkook in Equilibrium?! The way he is with Y/N makes me so uncomfortable, esp with his “You’re all mine” crap and being so “in love” with her when all he wants is to have her under his control even tho he thinks it’s love. Jimin too, the way he’s down to have Y/N in the relationship since JK wants her but she wants Jimin.. also I’m glad ur fanfics exist since they can give some girls a perspective on what’s NOT okay and NOT love

Anonymous said:' And if I find out you let someone else touch what's mine... you'll regret it' - I kept on reading this over and over but each time it makes me cringe more, the fact that he constantly calls her 'mine' is so fucking off, like as a kookier Stan in rl , I felt really bad for jungkook but now I find it so hard, this relationship is taking a big twist that I did not see coming and it's getting abusive real quick.

Anonymous said:(Cont last) I stood firm in my decision. On the last day that we talked, he finally understood why. It was only then he realized his mistakes, only then did he cry & apologize for everything. He tried to convince me to give him a chance but the time for that has already passed. We are officially over. I loved the guy, you know? and deep down, I know there's good in there. But I can't risk my heart and soul anymore. I'm sorry this has gone out of topic, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Anonymous said:(Cont.) When he got mad at me for one minor thing, he will accuse me of cheating and call me demeaning words. Our relationship was always on his terms. I was always the one apologizing & making an effort to make him happy. I paid for all our dates. Just wow, I'm stupid. After a fight early Feb, I got tired of it all. I broke up with him and that process took 7 fucking days in which he tried to convince that my reasoning was wrong and that he was right. My gut feeling was telling me to leave.

Anonymous said:just finished reading ch 11... yikes. like YIKES. oh my, I'm honestly very worried and scared for the oc. reading it actually made me anxious and nervous lol. that relationship is a nightmare oh sweetie no, she needs to leave asap

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 3) I felt caged. I always had to inform where I was, who I'm with, are there guys going to be at the event I'm going to. If there were guys, he didn't want me to go. I couldn't even get a regular update from him where he was and couldn't check on his phone. As I said, I was being stupid. I tolerated all of his bullshit. When you're in an abusive relationship, you won't realize it immediately. He'll come off sweet and only wanting to protect you and your relationship.

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 2) to the red flags he showed early in the relationship. He didn't want to me talk to any guy who wasn't a family and asked me to delete all the guys in my Facebook account. Stupid me did so because I believed him when he said that "It's not because I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the people around you." I stayed loyal to him but he was always paranoid that I was cheating on him. When we broke up, I learned he was talking to lots of girls that's why he was so paranoid.

Anonymous said:I got curious and read Equilibrium. All I can say is whoa! The anxiety and fear that I felt was so visceral; it made me fill ill. I've recently broken up with my ex, who was like that - subtly emotionally and mentally abusive. I am fairly young, naive, and inexperienced in relationships. I had a low self-esteem. Growing up I felt that I was unattractive and no one would like me. He was the first guy to really pursue me and I guess I was so hungry for love and affection that I turned a blind eye

Anonymous said:oc's anxiety is getting worst in equal... 😞 i hope she gets out soon. i agree, SEND IN MAMA JIN! lol kook is getting crazier each chapter i'm getting scared for her well being 😟☹️😦. SHES WORTH MORE THAN THIS CRAZINESS!! 💔 side note, thank you for sticking to it, i know it's not easy. and thank you for updating. i always look forward to your work ❤

withlove-sydney said:Tbh I was worried that this story was gonna take a disturbing turn after jk revealed that he was purposely trying to keep jimin away in chpt 10 and this chapter just confirmed how toxic he is. I agree with that other person tho I'm glad that you're the one writing this because I trust that you won't try to romanticize this at all. My ex was really possessive like jk and its not cute or sexy at all. I ended up so scared of him and when I see similar things in fics it gives me chills...

btsninetyfiveline said:I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the relationship you're portraying in Equilibrium! It's soooooooo important to have stories that show abuse and possessiveness in an unhealthy light! I'm so tired of these "you looked at another guy for 5 seconds in the club so now I'm gonna take you home and show you who you 'belong' to" narratives. It's so important to address and educate young girls on signs of an emotionally manipulative relationship! 💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu :) how are you? I love how you put out your stories unexpectedly, its always a pleasant surprise. Chapter 11 is so well-written (like all your work ofc).You set up the suffocating atmosphere perfectly with images and metaphors, like Oc's suffer is so real. I am really concerned about oc's mental health... in this chapter we see that she isn't in a good place and I am scared of what is yet to come. Thank you for your hard work. xo

Anonymous said:After reading chap 11, i feel so bad for the oc. Even reading about jk's possessiveness/threats makes me feel suffocated ;-; Though I'm excited for what's going to happen after he leaves for his trip hmm.... once again thank you for the update, Lu! :-) I'm really loving the pace of the story so far.

anonymouspseudonymous said:There's this anon that said "this ain't your ordinary fic where they all compromise and be happy" and i cannot agree more. Although, even if I get it that people hate JK for being cray, you have to punch Jimin as well hahaha idk man this is fucked

Anonymous said:I'm reading ch11 of equilibrium and the part where she wants to touch jimins face but jungkook has a tight grip on her wrist restricting her from doing so is so symbolic of their relationship and how she wants jimin so badly but jungkook is holding her back from him almost keeping her hostage in a way. Anyways I really enjoyed this part it gave me goosebumps so thank you for sharing your work with us even though you don't have to! You owe us nothing so I appreciate everything you give us💓💞💖💕

Anonymous said:I'm glad you don't tolerate the bullshit that jungkook isnt as bad as the protagnonist. People need to hear that that shit is toxic and manipulative. People are brainwashed into thinking it's romantic and okay. When it's absolutely not. No the protagonist isn't free of fault but she isn't being obsessively creepy.

Anonymous said:I think people tend to gloss over the fact that it IS an obsession (unhealthy and actually rather terrifying) and not actual "love" because they like the idea of someone doing anything to stay with them. But even in wanting to stay with someone, there have to be limits. You shouldn't end up losing yourself to someone if they want you as a person, not as just an object or a way to get what they want. There is a line between devotion and obsession, and people seem to ignore that all too often.

[5hfanfiction]

GREEN IS THE WARMEST COLOR - CHAPTER 31

XXXI.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/66624703-green-is-the-warmest-color-camren-fanfic

Camila’s POV

It is a good day with the sun shining brightly and giving life to my once dull days, except the fact that Lauren and I have been avoiding each other for days. I’m in school and I really try my best to listen to every professor’s discussion for today but my mind just cannot seem to grasp on it fully. It just also seems that my English professor notices my uneasiness that she really chose for us to write about someone we would like to tell things to not regret and it just hits me right to my veins.

Minutes already have passed, slumped in my seat and mindlessly looking outside the window and if someone would ask me how I feel, they could look at my paper and I couldn’t describe it any better.

“Ms. Cabello?” I looked up all too sudden and Mr. Danwich is already staring at me with puzzled eyes. My eyes widen when I realize that I actually haven’t written anything on my paper. “You want to share to the class what you’ve written?”

I stop and my mind goes mayhem on what I’m going to response.

Mr. Danwich coughs. “Are you alright, Ms. Cabello?” As much as I’d like to shake my head and excuse myself from all the people here staring at me, I couldn’t.

I nod. “I… I’m sorry.” I start off. “I have- I haven’t really written anything because I’m not really a fine person today, you can say. But, I can share to everyone what my mind has to offer at the moment.”

Mr. Danwich smiles at me so warmly that my heart can’t help but smile back. I stand up and cough lightly clearing my throat. Some students keep on staring at me, some are smiling but some of them just mind their own business. I’m not really fond of being the center of attention; it just doesn’t work for me.

When I’m in front, I clear my throat once again and stare at the empty seat beside mine. I remember her words. The girl’s words as if she was spitting on my face that Lauren could never be mine.

“Hey! You look familiar.” She smiled at me and I furrowed my eyebrows processing my thoughts on how this girl who just approached me looked familiar too. “I’m not sure but I think you’re friends with Lauren?” And her name was like a key point to me that it all came back.

I knew this girl.

I just didn’t know where and how I knew her.

Suddenly my blood reached up its limit and I couldn’t look happy in front of this girl. “Oh right you’re Camila! I saw your Instragram post. So you and Lauren are like… together now?” She inquired as if it was a normal thing. I kept my tight grasp around the book that I’ve been holding.

“Yes we’re together. Why?” I answered with full of confidence. Before she even responded, the girl who worked at the bookstore interrupted us to place new books in the shelves.

She smiled wickedly after the girl left us two alone. “Oh nothing. I feel you girl. She loved me once too, especially when she asked me one night to go to her place and that night was indeed the best night of my life.”

I was taken aback that I almost gasped in shock. “W-what… what d-do you mean?”

She played with the books in the shelves and stared at me. “Right of course she didn’t tell you. We were together for months and we had sex at her place, almost every night.”

This bitch.

My mouth stopped forming the words.

No way. There is no way she lied to me.

“And oh, don’t worry Lauren never settles with one girl anyways. You have to get used to it.” She picked the book that wasn’t familiar to me and placed it around my grasp. “Lauren likes this book, you should buy this for her. Also, say hi for me too! See you soon, Camila. Cheers for the both of you.” She bid goodbye and I was left there, my mind lost and my heart being broken into pieces.

That was just a fast interaction but that was enough to break my heart.

“Ms. Cabello, you may start now.” Mr. Danwich stops my train of thoughts leading me to the present.

I clear my throat for the last time and start. “To the person I’d never forget,” My voice almost broke in the end. “I didn’t lie when I said your eyes were the greenest of the purest greens and I got lost into those every time I watched you. I didn’t lie when I said as long as you’re happy I would be too. I didn’t lie when I said you amazed me every time you uttered words I couldn’t quite process. I didn’t lie when I said you’re cute when you’re jealous or annoyed.” I stopped for a moment to keep my heart from beating rapidly and resumed. “I didn’t lie when I said I could look at you forever and your eyes would still remain the same. I didn’t lie when I said my heart was not beating normal when you were around. I never lied to you and most of all, I didn’t lie when I confessed I loved you. Because that’s how I’ve been feeling and there was no need for lying because even the truth doesn’t always make people happy, it makes people feel better.” I wiped the tear trying to run down from my eyes. “Maybe I lied to myself when my feelings were starting to grow for you but I didn’t lie to you. You’re my home but even if I feel homesick, I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to you.” That’s it. That’s how I ended it; especially when Lauren’s eyes locked with mine.

The world suddenly stopped moving.

“I just don’t know if you’re still my home.” I managed to whisper into thin air.

And just like that, Lauren is nowhere to be seen. My classmates are clapping their hands and screaming for my name as if I made a public speech. I look at Mr. Danwich and he is smiling and if I’m not mistaken, his smile looks like it’s comforting me quietly.

The bell rings and I cover my face with my two hands, rushing to my seat to take my things with me, when a hand taps my shoulder.

“Hey there Mila.” I’m relieved that it’s only Ally. “How are you doing? That’s quite a speech a while ago.” She informs and I return my focus on placing my things inside my bag.

“So you heard it.” I tell her.

She helps me on putting my things inside my bag. “Yes. I was outside your room a while ago.” So it wasn’t Lauren who was outside and I was just hallucinating. “Was that speech? Was that?” She wants to insinuate something and she wants to know something. I know it.

“Yes Ally. Lauren and I broke up.” I didn’t know where did I get my strength to say that too quickly but Ally’s surprise didn’t come and she nods as if she already knows about it. “She told you?”

She nods once again. “She didn’t tell me you broke up though. She only told me that you’re mad at her and she’s mad at herself.” I suddenly felt the pang of guilt because on what Ally told me, it only means that Lauren still thinks we’re together; that this is just some phase in one’s relationship wherein we’ll fix.

But I don’t know anymore. She’s my first relationship and she lied to me. Should I still trust someone who is capable of lying?

“If you want to feel any better, she looks massive hell. She cries and doesn’t eat every night. She still goes to school but ends up sleeping in each class anyways.” I walk towards the hallways and Ally’s footsteps follow me. “She loves you Mila. You just…. you just have to trust her again and give her one more chance.”

I stopped and stare at Ally.

“I don’t know… I’m sorry I don’t know Ally. I don’t even know if I can still look at her, let alone be around her.” I admit and Ally’s eyes are solely focused on mine. “I loved her don’t get me wrong but-.”

“-you don’t love her anymore?!” She interrupts me. “That’s love for you Mila? She cannot even forgive herself and I can see it in her eyes. And that girl? That girl you talked to at the bookstore? You believed everything she said when Lauren was with you that night and basically confessed and surrendered herself with you.” I’m taken aback and my eyes widen at Ally’s sudden outburst. “She even told me she’d talk to her mom if that’s what it would take for you to come back to her again.”

Ally walks towards me and surprisingly hugs me. “I know you’re hurting. She is your first and I know you secretly wish for her to be your last and that you could get to wake up seeing her face every morning. But it’s not only you who’s hurting Mila. Lauren is hurt and devastated too. I only know one reason why.” She stops mid- sentence. “It’s because you love each other.”

Suddenly I’m crying and Ally’s comforting me by tapping my back and my head resting on her shoulder. “Ssshhh. It’s going to be okay. You’re both going to be okay. Sometimes relationships really have to go through tough times, but that’s what makes it worth fighting for because you get stronger.” She lets go of our hug and I wipe my eyes with my handkerchief when her phone buzzes.

Ally looks at me and I already know it’s a message from Lauren.

“What does it say?” Ally looks confused and alarm while reading the text. “Did something bad happen to Lauren? Ally tell me!” I snatch the phone out of her hand and read the text.

L: I’m going to my parents’ house I’m coming back and don’t tell anyone. I trust you Ally. I’m going to find myself and I’m going to let go of what keeps me stuck from moving. I’ll see you Ally and please do watch Camila for me.

I’m puzzled and my thoughts are rambling inside my mind. This is not happening. She’s leaving and she’s leaving because of me. She’s not ready but she has to because of me. Oh my God.

“She just texted this means she’s probably not on her way yet. I left Dinah with her. Goddamnit I told Dinah not to leave her alone because she tends to do crazy things when she’s hurt.” Ally drags me towards the exit of the university campus. “You just leave your car here Mila. We’ll take mine, is that alright with you?” I nod. Honestly I’m just going to follow everything Ally instructs me to do so.

My mind cannot even think of anything better to do. It’s focused on hoping to still see Lauren.

While we’re on our way to Lauren’s place, my mind and heart are coordinating with each other hoping that Lauren failed to leave and Dinah was there to stop her. Even though she’s hoping for the better she quite knows that Lauren tends to do things on her own and whenever she does, no one can possibly stop her. But still, please please please, I pray to myself a bunch of times while we pass by the roads and various people walking and running the streets.

I closed my eyes for a bit until the car came at halt at the familiar place my eyes suddenly recognized. I felt it. Somehow the seemingly empty place made me feel I lost her.

Did already I?

Ally guides me carefully inside Lauren’s place. She doesn’t even bother to knock, she rushes on opening the front door and Dinah cracking up jokes while Lauren is eating come into view. Normani emerges from the kitchen and all too sudden, the three girls looked at us in surprise. Lauren immediately stopped eating and stood up still staring at me. Wait, what? I’m confused.

I stare at Ally and she smiles at me weakly. Dinah and Normani may have seemed to decide on leaving when they walked towards the front door where Ally and I are stuck. Dinah did not even bother asking me when she’s already in front of me. Normani stays silent too. Ally taps my shoulder for a bit guiding me to get inside, fully. They just smiled at me as if implying something. The three girls now left us alone. Lauren and I though remain silent in what seemed forever.

“Hi.” The green-eyed girl breaks the silence. “W-what are you doing here?” She inquires and I’m speechless because I’d be asking her that question, not the other way around.

“I….” She begins walking towards me. “I… I’m sorry… I thought you’re-.”

I stopped when she’s only meters apart from me. I could feel her warmth and I could smell her familiar scent. She lifts her hand to touch my arm. I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and my mind wandered to those days we were just happy. There was nothing interfering and it was only about us. My eyes remained closed even when she slowly enveloped my whole being in her arms. It really takes a special someone’s hug to make all the broken pieces stick back together.

Somehow I’m whole again.

I can feel her hot and calm breath against my neck. “Camz,” She starts off. “I missed you.” And it’s enough for my arms to find their way back home. I didn’t notice a tear escaping freely from my right eye. I hug her right back. I make sure that she can never go far away from me.

A matter of seconds passed and I was the one to let go. “What is it Camz? What do you want to say?” She slowly and carefully inquires; green eyes stuck staring into mine.

“I thought you’re going away.” My voice broke in the end. “I thought you’re going to leave and you’ll never go back. I just… I just thought I could never see you again.” I admitted while wiping my eyes with my bare hands.

Lauren cups both of my cheeks with her soft trembling hands. “Babe, I’ll never leave you unless you want me to.” The green- eyed girl confirms. “Where did you even get that information?”

I stare at her blankly. “You texted Ally and told her that you’re leaving.” Now, she shares the exact puzzled expression with me. “When she told me about your decision we quickly made our way here.”

“I didn’t… I mean… what? I didn’t t-text her. I was talking to Dinah about you. I was asking her how to get you back and how to make you trust me again. I was planning to do the first step but then you’re here.” I’m confused. So that’s why? That’s why they didn’t even look surprised because this is all their plan all along? “I’m sorry Camz.” She reached for my hands and caresses it. “I love you. I love you so much. I am in love with you.”

It’s all music to my ears when she keeps on confessing her feelings. It’s like a new world to me and I’m more than willing to take a risk just to accept it wholly. “Wait, they tricked us.” Lauren furrowed her eyebrows when a realization hit me. “They tricked us and made up a story for us to talk, alone. You didn’t know about this?”

Lauren places her hand on top of her chest where her heart lies. “I promise babe. I’m innocent here too. I would never lie to you anymore.” I chuckles and so she does too.

I notice there is box placed on top of the table. “What is that?” I asked her.

“Oh that’s the box of cupcakes I was about to give you when Lily came and talk to you and suddenly everything went black to my vision.” She made me remember. “I don’t know if the cupcakes still taste good because it’s been days but-.”

“Do you mind?” I interrupted her rambling.

Her face suddenly lit up. “Sure of course. That’s yours anyways.” She immediately reached for the box of cupcakes and checks on it before finally giving it to me. “You can open it. Whatever you want to do with it.”

I smile at her expressing my gratitude. When I opened the box, there lies a dozen of cupcakes with a note on each cupcake. I closed the box in a rush.

“Why? What’s the problem?” Alarmed, she asked.

“Nothing. I will just check them later when I get back.” But honestly, I’m just not much ready to read anything she’s written on each note. I’d look vulnerable in front of her again and it makes me look a whole total mess. I stand up and adjust the hem of my shirt before smiling at Lauren for the third time today.

“Are you… are you going to go now?” She asks in a soft tone. Her hands are shaking and so I grasp them fully and hold them carefully to ease the tension. She looks surprised yet calm and relieved.

I witness how her eyes changed colors but today makes it more interesting. “Lauren, I still love you. I’m still yours and I just hope that you trust me enough to share anything you have in mind.” She nods slowly and smiles cheerfully. “I have to-.” I was interrupted with a quick peck on the lips.

It tasted like cigarettes and tears mixed up together but it still felt the same.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And just like that, I bid goodbye and left her place in seconds while touching and letting myself get lost to the peck on my lips that made me still want to go on and vision my future with her. I waited for the cab that I contacted to return to Dinah and I’s dorm near the university. As the cab kept on invading the busy streets, I remember the box of cupcakes. Quickly, I reached for the first note I could touch. I inhaled and exhaled deeply before opening the whole note.

‘You’re my happy ending.’