#rachaelsreallife

[norwegianfriedokra]

RRL Version 1.0

It'ś been almost half my 90 days.  Friday will by my halfway point.  I'm still waiting on paperwork to process at this point, but if everything goes well, I should still start on April 1st.  Towards the end of this month, if any appointments at the Ausländerbehörder don't interfere, Jens and I will be taking a trip to an Island off the Northeast coast of Germany called Rügen.  It's the largest Island off the coast of Germany.  With some luck the weather will be sunny and not too windy for the end of March.  

Towards the end of last week Jens was rather sick and he and I both spent a good portion of the past couple of days at home.  I've been doing a lot of jogging (up to 6 miles again on my long treks), writing, grocery shopping and general taking care of the sick one.  Some crochet, lots of music exploration via youtube and spotify and lots of kdramas.  Off and on Jens and I have the random political/cultural discussions to spice things up.

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I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately.  What I'm comprised of internally and what my potential is. You know those dreams of doing something that has meaning, that lots of people still have at their mid 30's? Or that people are maybe working on in their mid 30's?  I've been realizing that those dreams left me a long time ago.  I think that once I'd been in college for a while, working part time jobs to pay my rent, and barely being able to focus on my studies while taking care of everything else I lost it somewhere. I didn't see anything coming of it because I couldn't focus on much of it seriously anyways.   

Then after I graduated I was also living paycheck to paycheck, scraping to get by while doing things on the side that took up my physical and mental capacity.  That I attempted to dream off and on I know, yet today I still feel utterly lost. I was just jumping from one ship to the next trying to stay afloat.

I would like to truly share some serious thoughts with you, however as the aspiring good German I'm not going to share my emotional turmoil as it's too personal. You'll get apple scraps and bread ends, along with other simplistic apologies.  

My days fade into each other.  The last time I had this much time to think about myself and what I want was summer break right after middle school ended.

Does anyone else ever think, that if such thoughts emotional thoughts weren’t shared, even on such platforms like this, that human empathy gets crushed because we’re too worried about what power plays can occur because you give up your soft spots? Sometimes I wish sharing like this were more freely done by all, hiding it all just makes me feel more alone and sad. It emphasizes how much we all don’t trust each other.

Maybe these thoughts are juvenile and uneducated like.  If so, please accept my apple scraps and bread ends. Staring at the lite up EZB after 2 hours of sleep during a 48 hour period makes my thoughts perhaps not erudite enough for those enjoying this here post.

And with that I leave you until the next installment of Rachael's Real Life.