#raaagh i had so many emotions about them and i kinda still do

[nyagrounds]

Musings on Pico and Nene, written several years ago.

This is technically set on my monster/demonhunting AU, but I thought these were interesting and the closest I got to really cementing characterizations for this trio- unfortunately it seems I ran out of steam before I got to Darnell and now I can't for the life of me remember what his bit of this was supposed to be. In any case, under the cut is what I *did* manage to write. CW: pretty much the same dark subject matter that Pico's School covers except, you know, taken seriously. Also, HEAVY warning for discussion of nene's suicidal tendencies and ideation in specific.

the three survivors have like. impostor syndrome-based survivors guilt but in different directions

pico is very, VERY aware that, unlike what everyone assumes, he DIDNT survive because he was faster or smarter or more gifted at demonslaying than anyone else- he survived because cassandra deliberately spared him, because she apparently had a crush on him that he never actually noticed. so its twofold, the guilt of being spared through no action of his own without being more deserving of it than all those who died, but also because he has the constant feeling that he SHOULD have noticed and done SOMETHING.

like, originally when he realized these people were Literal Demons And Monsters he very quickly dehumanized them and kind of distanced himself from the notion of having killed four of his classmates, even if in self defense, but the more he learned about the actual mechanics of demons and such he ended up with the realization that actually, what happened was pretty much literally just a school shooting for very normal human teenage reasons, and the teens just so happened to be demons. so... it's not like he has any qualms about hunting or anything, in fact he thinks it's probably a good thing in hindsight that he no longer draws any morality lines between hunting monsters and just killing people, since oftentimes there isn't actually a clear line at all; but it does kind of fuck him up, the notion that if he had payed more attention to the weird emo kids, he COULD have reached out to them, cassandra at least. and because he's developed something of a weird hero complex, he feels like if he COULD have done something to prevent the shooting, but DIDN'T, that makes him directly responsible for what happened.

so that leaves him in this mindset of "the only reason i survived and no one else did is because i was in the position to stop the massacre in the first place, and didn't"

and that's his Big Secret, he has never actually told anyone about this. he just kind of lets people assume whatever they want to think about why he survived the initial shooting. even people implying he was actually the ONLY shooter just kinda rolls off his back. he's not really pressed about the bullshit people say about him, partly because nothing can make him feel worse than the actual truth he plans to take to his grave.

nene, on the other hand, pretty much just fully knows and accepts that she survived thanks to sheer coincidence, that's not a secret, she was in the bathroom when things went to hell and she stumbled across pico in the hallway, so that's just a well known Fact about the event.

her Big Secret, on the other hand, is that despite everyone assuming her depression and suicidal tendencies arose from the ptsd and survivor's guilt, she was actually already deep into suicidal ideation and had been distantly planning to kill herself far before the incident. in fact, begging pico to kill her was really more opportunistic than anything- obviously he not only Didn't Do That but ended up making himself out to be personally responsible for her safety troughout the years that followed.

nene feels like it's a cruel joke at her expense; her, idly fantasizing about death in class, while everyone around her would likely have done anything to survive; and yet, when death came, it left her untouched.

ironically, the more she recovers, the more it bears down on her as sheer guilt, where before it was mostly frustration. especially because she knows pico and darnell just assume she was perfectly fine before the shooting, that it's normal that she's so fucked up because she lived through something horrible. she feels like a liar and an idiot, that she's letting them think she has a Good Reason to be that way, when really she was ALWAYS Fucked Up for absolutely no real reason- she has a far more stable and supportive family and home situation than either of them, pico with his neglectful asshole parents and child of divorce darnell. there was nothing wrong with her life, but she wanted to throw it away; and worse even, that she had been childishly, selfishly upset that it would be that much harder to do so now, with the implicit responsibility to "live for the sake of those who can't anymore" and pico unsubtly fussing about her safety.

she knows full well that pico's got a Thing going on with needing to protect her and darnell, even if he doesn't really seem to realize the extent to which he does it- she knows HIS guilt is tied up with not having been able to save anyone. it's the reason he and darnell don't really talk anymore, but she kind of has to concede it's also part of the reason she never succesfully killed herself. not that darnell doesn't care about her, of course- he's just more prone to actually respecting whatever one wants to do with their lives, even if it leads you straight to self destruction. he'd be a hypocrite NOT to, she supposes.

pico is far less tolerant, though, in general and in specific. they get along well despite this, or maybe because of it; he doesn't stand for her self-destructive bullshit, and she doesn't take anything sitting down, so they have a very frank back-and-forth where they both know exactly where they stand with each other. and yes, pico's paranoia about her safety DID actually lead to him and darnell pulling her out of a bloody bathtub in time. even back then she had the presence of mind to be more grateful than annoyed.

still, that's her secret that she'll take to her grave, even if that grave awaits her many more years down the line than she'd once hoped for.