#r's apartment and the tv screen is showing the lyrics to It's Only Sex

[kissycat]

Deleting pictures to free up space by scrolling to random times in my camera roll and swiping through them. Very jarring sometimes. A visual diary but it's not always what's in the pictures that's jarring but the memory that fills in the gaps of the chronology. Picture of drinks in a dark bar; then picture of a butterfly on the grass the next day. No pictures of the person i was with for both of them, no picture of what happened in the night, but no picture necessary to remember...

[regrettablewritings]

Modern!Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Prompts taken from this ship meme

Which one texts like a straight white boy?: Of course it would have to be our resident white boy. It isn’t even that he necessarily means to, there’s just an embarrassing amount of overlap between the messages a straight white boy tends to text, and those of your rising star boyfriend. You’d look more into it if it weren’t for the fact that you know there’s no actual malice in it, and because it’s just so sad that it’s funny. If one were to go into the photos saved on your phone, they would’ve surely come upon an entire album of screenshots you’d taken over the years, from when Jaskier would be on tour without you to when he’d just be resting at home while you were out at work. Things like: “Wat r u up to 2nit, cutie? ;)” “I’m probably just gonna play whatever’s on my Watch Later backlog on youtube until I conk out.” “Wild!!! anyway wat would u do if i was there rn~?” Or “Do u miss me? :(” “Of course I do ya dingus!” “Ok....Can we do a quickie over videochat?” “Jas i’m at the store.” “The point still stands.” Or “Watcha thinkin bout? ;)” “About how The Great Gatsby becoming public domain means there’s nothing stopping anyone from making a drag show interpretation called The Gay Dragsby.” “Aaww w/o me? ;)” “...” “WAIT NO I THOUGT YOU’D SAY YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT ME SHIT NO.” “BUT ACTUALLY DO GO ON IM KINDA INTERESTD.” If it were anybody else, you would’ve blocked them. But this wasn’t anybody else. It was your Jaskier: Your foolhardy, constantly horny, but never-short-of-loving Jaskier. And besides, not for nothing, at least they were something you could get a laugh out of.

Which one cried during a fucking Disney movie?: Once again, Jaskier is the guilty party. It’s no secret that he’s the more emotional of the two of you -- he wore his investment in Titanic with pride, after all. But it is a secret that the particular Disney movie to make him cry was Hercules of all things! Not Bambi, not The Lion King, not even Beauty and the Beast, but goddamn Hercules! (On another note, he also cried to Coco. But that barely counts: Literally everyone and their mother has cried during Coco. The only difference here was that Jaskier could relate to being a young man so in love with music while coming from a family that discouraged the pursuit of it.) This isn’t a knock on anyone who enjoys the movie, mind you, but let’s be honest: Out of the Disney animated canon, Hercules isn’t exactly the most . . . emotionally cathartic or heart-string-plucking of the bunch. But just because it didn’t go out of its way to create a crying frenzy doesn’t mean that it’s lacking in some humanity. It is, after all, still a Disney film. The problem is, Jaskier can’t even quite express why it made him cry the night you both decided to watch it. Maybe it had something to do with a young man most people took as a joke trying to achieve greatness? And to be fair, “Go the Distance (Reprise)” and “A Star is Born” differently when you’ve done some growing . . .

Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?: It only happened once, but you’d never let him live it down. You like to joke that you’d left him to his own devices for just fifteen minutes so that you could take a shower -- of which was completely true -- and that was all he needed for things to go downhill. Nobody wants to think they’d be in the wrong for trusting a 20-something year-old to not be his usually somewhat distractable self. But that particular day, said 20-something year-old decided to occupy that little spot of time to himself with TV and a plate of leftovers. And normally this would’ve been fine and dandy. But normally, Jaskier would’ve just waited for the food to heat before searching for something to watch. It shouldn’t have been too big of an issue that it went the other way around that day, but apparently it was. As much as he wanted to (which honestly wasn’t by much), Jaskier just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the images flashing on the TV. The baby blues were set on the screen the entire while -- up until he heard a faint popping. Followed by a sound he normally only heard in a cheesy sci-fi movie. The problem was, he wasn’t watching anything even remotely science-fiction-y . . . All you were doing when you exited the bathroom was going to grab your lotion. That was literally all you had any expectations for. What you hadn’t expected to come upon was your boyfriend, hollering and diving over the sofa in order to scramble into the kitchen and stop that strange, not-good-sounding sound. Suffice to say, you had to put your shower on hold; it simply had to wait for you to finish fussing, then again for you to finish laughing your ass off. And again because if you entered the shower still laughing, you’d probably slip and break your head open and then Jaskier would have to deal with another possible emergency caused by himself.

Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who?” thing?: You can both be guilty of it, but Jaskier without a doubt does it more. Sometimes he’ll emerge from “his cave” (aka the little nook in the apartment where he likes to mess around and write lyrics or arrangements) on a break and catch an unsuspecting you sitting on the couch or at the dinner table. Other times, it could just be when he comes back from running some errands or doing a quick interview at the local radio station. You don’t mind it much . . . Especially since you can get a rise out of him by purposefully guessing the wrong person. (“Hmmm . . . Could it be . . . my mail-order husband? Boy, that was quick. And all the way from Russia, too . . .” “Uh, no.” “The milkman, finally accepting my invitation to commence a torrid love affair?” “Okay, you know damn well -- ” “Or better yet: My hopes and dreams have manifested, oh, Waluigi, could it really and truly be you!?” “What in the absolute fuck --”)

Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?: Because it’s usually himself who presents as being the more mischievous of the two, and because he tends to run the warmest, it always shocks Jaskier when you decide to play dirty and put your cold limbs all over him. Is it childish? Yes. But are his reactions to the sudden feeling of icy flesh hilarious? Also yes. You love to creep up on him when he’s tuning his guitar or scribbling down lyrics, or just minding his own damn business by trying to actually turn in relatively early for once. You love even more to watch him jolt and release the most high-pitched yip a man of his build could ever even joke about making. You’ll still be laughing about it as he scowls at you, cursing your “ghoul hands” and demanding to know if he’s dating a corpse at this point. Of course, no matter how peeved he might be, you can always count on one other thing from his dramatic reactions: Him huffily grabbing your hands into his own and rubbing them warm, or him forcing a park of fuzzy socks on your feet. And just for extra measure, you can be sure that he’ll spend the rest of the night holding you close or cuddling you -- “For exchanging bodily heat purposes,” he will always reason.

Who had that embarrassing reality TV marathon?: You both are guilty of it, actually. The question should really be, who is the least shameful about it. As with most things regarding a lack of shame, it was, of course, our dear Jaskier. Being a musician with a growing following, the little attention whore just can’t miss out on an opportunity to show himself off to his awaiting public. A rising star with relatability and a taste for trash? People eat that shit up! So you’ve learned to be less surprised every time he decides to liveblog himself watching things like Love Island or any of the 90-Day Fiancee spin-offs. In fact, in more recent times, you’ve come to join in with him, adding your own corresponding Tweets and commentary. Though don’t be too shocked once he starts holding polls and letting the public decide what show the two of you should watch next.

Who laughs more during sex?: You do, completely through Jaskier’s own efforts. Jaskier’s always had a pretty lax view of sex. This didn’t change when he met you, of course, but how he specifically portrayed that laxness did undergo some metamorphosis. Before, the entertainer was much more intent on his bedroom experiences being a display of power and an ability to please. Something dramatic and to be taken seriously. He still sees the importance of satisfaction in the bedroom, mind you, but with you, he can’t help but feel more . . . comfortable. With you, it’s a little more okay if he accidentally makes a dumb noise that in no way can be salvaged as sexy. With you, it’s a little more okay if he struggles to get his or your pants off, or if he struggles with removing your bra. And with you, he’s come to find that he’s a lot more okay with sharing a giggle or being a little more loose about things. It’s fine if your fingers tickle him or if he struggles to think of something proper dirty. But it’s even more fine if you think something he says or does makes you laugh, but not in a way that discredits his efforts. When you laugh, it shows that you’re comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be with him, and be truly vulnerable. So do forgive him if he can’t help but run his fingers up your sides in a tickling fashion, or sloppily string together an innuendo. He simply loves how golden your laughter sounds, even in the throes of passion, intermingled with sweet whimpers and pleas of his name. How the heave of your chest and rippling of your tummy bumpily sync in with the rhythm of his thrusts . . . He just wants to see your smile, your genuine mirth, and bask in it with you. Besides, it serves as excellent song inspiration for him . . .

Who is the little spoon?: It depends on the sway of the day, really. As a whole, you both take turns without much thought simply because you tend to just fall into your positions. Some days, you just happen to lay into him in a way that makes you the little spoon. Other days, he conks out next to you in a manner that most could consider would make you the big spoon (or jet pack). Neither side really fights how it plays out unless one or the other may feel small and vulnerable, or just plain tired and in need of comfort. You often find yourself playing the role of the more dominating position during those first few days after Jaskier returning home from either a quick tour, or after finishing a long week of hours upon hours in the studio, or whatever kind of press-related nonsense his management team told him he needed to do. For as much as your boyfriend loved the spotlight, the truth was he was still quite capable of burning out and needing time to himself. Or, at the very least, just time with you. Even if that means he’s asleep for most of it, with you clinging to his back as he drifts off into a much-needed sleep. He makes sure to return it tenfold when you need just the same. Sure, your occupation may not be of the same nature as his own, but that didn’t mean you were in any less need of his cuddling. In fact, with him being gone as often as he was, Jaskier couldn’t help but feel almost guilty for not always being able to provide you with the basic comforts of being a constantly present boyfriend. Hence why the moment he would see your fatigued body crossing the threshold of your apartment, he would be all over you, ushering you into a quick shower, followed by a quick and simple dinner or snack, and capped off with him cuddling about you from behind. It didn’t matter if you’d come home right in the middle of a writing frenzy, or even if he’d been in the middle of searching for a breakthrough with an arrangement -- for as vain and bullheaded as Jaskier could be, he knew he owed you at least this much. You already put up with so much of his nonsense; this was quite literally the least he could do, both for you and for himself. Besides, he who was he to fight against the feeling of you wiggling closer into his hold, to deny himself the sound of your soft breathing as you lay yourself vulnerable to him? The fact of the matter is that he simply isn’t. He couldn’t be. Maybe in the beginning when things were still so unsteady and uncertain, but never now, when things had become so . . . well, what he could only describe as being “the both of you”. The both of you, molded and entwined, never wanting to let go. Never planning on it, either.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ the meaning you hold in your eyes, i could write a few poems on them.

date: october 2019 & february 2020.

location: ash’s apartment studio.

word count: 2,197 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: n/a.

triggers: mentions of alcohol as is way too common in ash’s verifications.

notes: creative claims verification. if any of this sounds familiar, no it doesn’t. (some parts of this are reworked from a different verification i did last year for a song that never happened because it fit this one too and i refuse to waste the time i put into that.)

october 2019.

he’d done this whole thing before several times while working on the album that will be coming out any day now and it would be easier this time. or rather, that was what ash told himself he’d be saying when it was all over. it hadn’t been just once, in truth. there were multiple songs written now that had been put into consideration for the first half of the track list of the album ⁠— the sensual and passionate half⁠ — but this wasn’t for that half of the album, or that album at all. the tracklist had been finalized long ago, but, in many ways, he was still hung up on the dissatisfaction that had crept in. so many songs for the album had been discarded and while it never quite felt good to have something he’d worked so hard on dubbed unsatisfactory, he’s still holding on to the lingering remnants of the phase where rejection made him more driven to create something that wouldn’t be turned down. a few more ‘no’s and he might reach his breaking point and want to give up entirely on catering to everything the company wanted, but for now, he was slowly settling in to the new challenge of writing outside of his standard comfort zone.

he’d written sensual songs before, but they were always manageable in their softness. that was the easiest lens for ash to view his own intimate experiences through, but bc had continued to demand something more aggressive, more bold, and ash hadn’t nailed down exactly how he was supposed to wrangle that yet and still remain true to himself.

he’d been surprised his album had ended up being confirmed for release at all with all the difficulties he’d had writing it and he still wasn’t sure what the turning point was where bc decided this was a sure thing. it may have been ash showing his ability to write what they wanted or it may have been a look into the expected profits for the rest of the year. understanding how bc’s employees’ collective minds worked wasn’t an easy feat, and ash had bigger fish to fry. namely, a fish in the form of making a song he didn’t have to worry about getting on the album that would calm the nagging in the back of his head that the company had found his weakness. successfully making one or two songs to please bc’s sexier image desires for fatalism hadn’t made ash an expert on the form yet, but he had learned ways to make it easier on himself than the stress he’d inflicted on himself and the worry he’d experienced when bc’s demands were still new to him. one of those ways was to start with a beat. that wasn’t a frequent necessity when he was shaping out a piano ballad or a folk guitar track, but if it was going to be danced to, it needed a good beat. any good dancer could tell him that the beat was a critical part of a song and, at one point in time, ash would have considered himself a good dancer himself. these days he was more like the leftovers of what was formerly a passionate dancer. he could never rid himself of the years as of technique training and the plentiful experience on stage and in a dance studio, but when he was merely going through the motions ninety percent of the time, it felt like he’d faltered since debut in some way. the worry about the bc-approved choreography for his second title track already had him on edge with concerns he’d be called out for laziness again, his mistakes becoming more glaring when he was the center of attention instead of being able to hide among a group.

that could be worried about later. it wasn’t the concern at hand at the moment.

right now, the song was what was most important and the beat was coming together nicely. it wasn’t all that unique in execution, but he intended the sexiness to lay in the instrumental more than the lyrics themselves. he layered some more interesting percussion into what he envisioned as the chorus as he built more musical lines on top of the foundation to construct a more full song than the basic outline of something sexy.

he started with the main attraction, the chorus, and built out musically into the verses, the bridge, and, at first, the song also included what he had at the time decided would probably be a dance break when the song became a full-fledged performance. 

as he worked, he built the song to be reminiscent of the songs he’d watched performance recordings of when he was younger. american r&b in the nineties and early two thousands had been secondary to the flashy dance performances of pop legends and trendy boy bands of the decade of his birth for much of his youth, if only because his young brain wasn’t ready for the more mature topics and sounds many of the best songs of the time had utilized. still, though, anything with a good voice, a good beat, and an eye-catching dance routine would have little ash’s eyes glued to the tv screen.

ash had never considered too much where his interest in performing had come from. according to his parents, he’d been dancing and singing since he could walk and talk despite neither of his parents being all that inclined toward the performance arts. if he thought about it now, he thought he might owe much of that to all of the awe-inspiring stage performances he’d been exposed to growing up. at such a young age, he couldn’t fully grasp the heartthrob appeal of the young adult men dancing on stage to a thumping back beat or the pretty girls who only needed a stage and a spotlight to shine. he hadn’t wanted to be admired or longed for. he’d wanted to perform and be able to captivate a crowd the same way the music icons he’d seen growing up had. 

that might be a better way to approach this.

ash took a break from writing to revisit a self-curated playlist of his favorite r&b songs spanning the best eras of the genre before he returned to fleshing out the song’s instrumental layers. it was becoming a good track by pure pop writing measure, but it was also becoming apparent something was missing when he set his sights solely on a replication of the nostalgia that other performers brought. being brought back to one’s younger days wasn’t exactly what was going to inspire the type of storytelling environment that had ash was aiming for. ash reminded himself that the song was supposed to have the musical themes suggesting intimacy that the lyrics suggested wasn’t entirely there yet on a conscious level. lust didn’t have to be presented as unromantic to be there, and it wasn’t always as black and white as sex. ash had met the beginnings of many a physical relationship, and the unintentional mind games and the questions were as much a part of the spark of something new as physical touch could

when viewed through the eyes of the adult he now was, those performances he’d watched as a kid had often been alluring in a seductive nature. often times, the words had danced around the literal, kept poetic for the romanticism of it. he’d written that exact kind of romance before, and the honey-tongued poetry he knew himself capable of didn’t have to disappear because he was working with a beat-driven r&b track instead of a rolling acoustic guitar instrumental.

making the instrumental had only taken ash a few weeks of work, but when it came time to put words to it, everything he wrote out only sounded shallow and forced. eventually, he was so stalled that he chose to switch into writing in english to see if a change of language would bring anything new out. he found words for most of the song that way, but they still felt disjointed and, if he were to be honest with himself, embarrassingly try-hard. the only thing that really stood out to him was the water themes he’d come up with, comparing the desire to get to know someone better to taking a deep dive underwater.

he reached out to a few close friends and work colleagues for advice, but nothing set him on the path to anything that could satisfy his perfectionist mind. he remembered being told once that if he was struggling with how to write a feeling, he should ask himself how he’d tell someone else to write it.

if you’re having trouble writing about desire, start with the basis of it all. a feeling. a desire. a question. nothing else. capture those feelings in the lyrics. desire at its best is simple. don’t overcomplicate it.

that gives him an intro that matches the beat well, but he grows stuck again after that, racing at top speed down the path to overcomplicating once again and, with time, he stops coming back to the song.

briefly, he considered trying to sell the instrumental off or asking someone else to write lyrics for him so he could present a full package to whoever he shopped it around to. deleting it off of his computer had been another option. he wasn’t confident enough in his abilities as a producer yet to believe his songs were of much value without his lyrics attached. this one had been created to prove something to himself, anyway, so what use would it be if it had to be finished by someone else?

february 2020.

the song has been abandoned in his files for months when he suddenly recalled it and, out of nowhere, suitable lyrics finally began to form themselves in his head. it was late and he’d had a bit to drink after returning home after a long day. valentine’s day was quickly approaching and it would be the first one he’d be spending alone since his scandal. a few vodka shots had seemed the fitting way to forget that.

tipsiness hadn’t been able to keep him out of his studio though and he’d sloughed into his chair as the black hood of his hoodie slipped off of the crown of his head onto his back, on a mission to get some work done before his head started hurting too badly. fifteen minutes into the mission, he had a loose leaf sheet of paper dotted with various phrases, most of which had something to do with the dark bubbly liquid poisoning his veins at that exact moment, but they mixed with lyrics fitting with the aquatic theme he’d come up with a few months prior, shaken loose from his mind by the ever-prying fingers of vodka.

it's like i'm drunk try mixing in another another blue sapphire let me know if there's an island for me in your sea it's like i'll explode the blue spreads through all of me if you want, you can fall into me

drunkenness and desire weren’t so different, he figured, as someone who’d gotten himself in trouble based off of both of those feelings before. his train of thought wasn’t very clear as he worked the rest of the song out, his thoughts veering into the safety of romance-colored interest, but his work came out in large chunks that gave him hope it wouldn’t be hopeless when he came back to it sober. 

when he did come back to the lyrics a day later, more sober and once the hangover had passed. while some of it was painfully clear in being the ramblings of a man under the influence, he’d gotten enough of a start in his state of lowered inhibitions for a less affected ash to fine tune the vocabulary and carefully round the edges into something more consumable, more seductive r&b ballad and less messy musings of an uninhibited might. it might not be the magnum opus of his lyrical career, but it wasn’t bad for such a highly metaphorical song written under the influence. it didn’t push ash too far outside of the walls of his comfort that had already done enough expanding while he worked on fatalism, and some cliches and over-bluntness had slithered into the lines, but it made the tone cheeky instead of taking itself too seriously, as ash was terribly prone to doing.

in a lot of ways, it reminded him of the song he’d written earlier in the month and turned in for his spring release. while woo ah had been colored pink in his mind, this was drenched in blues and purples, and even though he’d needed to drown himself in liquor to finish both of them, this one didn’t tie his stomach up into knots if he listened to it too many times in a row.

this one is a song about the desire, and maybe a little bit of frustration, of a new beginning and ash hadn’t felt that in years now. from that alone, it should have been harder to write, but the distance from the feeling might very well be what made it so easy to write about without ending up a mess by the time he was finished.

but, for some reason, it didn’t feel as distant as he thought it should.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week forty

oops

brief considerations of the songs which debuted on billboard on 10.11.1997, 10.13.2007, and 10.14.2017

10.11.1997

1) "Candle in the Wind 1997/Something in the Way You Look Tonight," by Elton John

princess diana seemed like a nice person and i don't agree that it is good that she passed on. i think she should have continued to live, and finally, i found a song that agrees with my worldview.

44) "Too Gone, Too Long," by En Vogue

So real talk this is late because one week I saw two Post Malone songs and I said fuck it because, like, it's, and I just, I don't think it's fair when older generations yell at younger generations? But the average '90s R&B track was infinitely better than the average '10s anything. You could drive down the street bumping the radio and a song like this, with that small miracle that happens around the 3:00 mark, and this would be like the seventh-best song you'd hear. Kids these days are just listening to songs that don't make any stabs at greatness, they just exist in a way that doesn't motivate you to change the station. The problem is with the children. I'm not actually talking about this song, I'm talking about the way people consume music. This song is heckin' great and everyone should listen to it 20 times and then try to get through a Post Malone song.

58) "Heaven," by Nu Flavor

In this overly intense '90s R&B slo jamz, the R&B boys plead to God to convince this woman to fuck them. That sentence is the last thing I wrote for YAS before taking a weeks-long sabbatical and I'm glad I found it.

63) "Love Gets Me Every Time," by Shania Twain

Where do we rank Shania Twain in the diva pantheon? Like, this is a song with a hook I recognized when I heard it, after 20 years of just not thinking about this song I heard "dolgurn gone and done it" and was like "oh yeah! This jam!" and not all singers can dig that deep into your memory, but in terms of historical import, where does she rank? You can't really argue that "country needs a rep in the pantheon" because um hello? Dolly? but there's at least four Shania songs that are absolutely legendary. Does that merit inclusion among the greats? Or is Shania just on that second tier with a Kelly Clarkson or a Carrie Underwood, reliable but not as powerful as the women we'll tell our grandkids about?

65) "Electric Barbarella," by Duran Duran

One of the things that struck me as odd about the film Sing Street was the reverence with which the film treated Duran Duran. I always sort of thought Duran Duran was a boy band, but there was a film set in the heyday of Duran Duran's popularity, with a scene where an older brother extols the virtues of Duran Duran's musicianship to a younger brother, and I'm just like, "I never would have guessed this band was at the vanguard of new wave?" But I guess maybe they were a less dark Depeche Mode and I should check this out because this song from 1997 probably isn't indicative of peak Duran Duran? Hello welcome back to YAS I'm already asking questions to no one instead of offering criticism, it's like I never left.

70) "They Like it Slow," by H-Town

Sometimes, when you abandon a project for a while and come back, you notice things about the thing you're doing that you never would have noticed if you had worked on it in the last two months. To that end: I just realized all the 1997 and prolly most of the 2007 music videos were shot in 4:3. Like, when they filmed these music videos, they were composing shots with the idea they would be on TVs. That's kind of interesting! Like, when you go to film school, you probably have the idea you're gonna direct films, so having to compose shots for a smaller aspect ratio probably fucks you up a little bit. Anyway, I can't tell if this '90s R&B slo jamz is a parody or not.

87) "A Smile Like Yours," by Natalie Cole

"I have seen the bluest skies/Rainbows that would make you cry." It's absolutely amazing which lines in these songs gain significance from 20 years of events. Like, that line about rainbows takes on a whole new meaning now that we've all enjoyed and then forgot about the Double Rainbow video.

91) "Alright," by Jamiroquai

groovy! i’m okay with this! this is like what all the calvin harris songs would sound like if they were good.

92) "Spin Spin Sugar," by Sneaker Pimps

there's so much cool stuff happening in this song and i really just wanna sit down and get to know this band a lot more because they've always seemed like something i was supposed to like and now i realize that i do actually like them, unfortunately WE'RE LISTENING TO 100 SONGS TONIGHT GOODBYE GOOD SONG I WILL KEEP THIS MEMORY WARM IN MY HEART UNTIL THE END OF TIME

10.13.2007

58) "Tattoo," Jordin Sparks

This is a song that just barely missed the lyric video trend. If any song needed to have words appearing on random actors' skin, it was this one, it would have been such a no-brainer decision. Like, you do it right, hire some calligraphers and tell them to take it up a thousand notches, you have a classic lyric video. Wasn't e'er to be, though. Just a standard music video, and I guess a nice song? It's very2007. It's very the sort of song you'd give to the winner of a forgettable Idol season. "Oh, that? Uh, yeah, keep it. It's either going on this album or in that trash can, might as well use every part of the buffalo that is my brain."

80) "The Way I Am," Ingrid Michaelson

this is the sonic version of a scarf worn indoors in june

86) "Our Song," Tay Tay

"Our song is a slammin' screen door." Did you know Tay Tay's dad was an investment banker? I have reason to believe Tay Tay's only seen a screen door in movies. I dunno. Do rich people have screen doors? I've never been in a mansion, but I don't think screen doors would be appropriate for mansions.

91) "Shoulda Let You Go," Keyshia Cole intro./Amina

I like how Billboard gave Amina an "introducing" credit. You don't see that in music nowadays. Now it's just "hey this 17-year-old has a million plays on Soundcloud, what do you mean you 'haven't heard of him,' he's already been responsible for thirteen memes and they're all dead, we're actually over him already, he's lame now." It is now known that Amina was actually a woman who was okay at rapping. The point still stands, I'd at least like to know that the randos on these songs are people no one but the people who made this song know.

96) "Hypnotized," Piles ft./Akon

"I know she wet 'cuz she told me." I don't know why, but this line tickles me! "Piles, you got me so wet." "YO, SHE'S WET! I MADE HER WET, GUYS!" "You touch mine and I touch yours." Piles must be hypnotized because in my (admittedly limited) experience with his work he doesn't seem like a man who gives head. He seems like a man who needs to be coerced into reciprocating pleasure.

97) "Nothin' Better to Do," LeAnn Rimes

OK so real talk, while I was listening to this song I got distracted because I realized I hadn't updated my Poke Bank subscription in like a year and I have so many precious little babies I need to keep forever, and you know what? This is a fun song. I didn't really need to pay attention to it! It's a song about being naughty that keeps it PG enough to play on country radio, and I wouldn't mind bumping into it again!

100) "Fake It," Seether

So Amy Lee and the dude from Seether broke up. After the break-up, Evanescence hit first with "Call Me When You're Sober," which isn't a particularly devastating song, but the title is incredibly unsubtle, and, like, Seether's a shitty post-grunge band, of course he's an alcoholic, and Amy Lee is right to say "yo I'm kinda done with this, I don't like dealing with the drunk you." Seether strikes back by saying Amy Lee is a liar and that he "feels so raped," and Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gonna go ahead and say that's #problematic! Amy Lee made a dumb but fair song about how she was out of patience, and here comes Donald Trump by way of Creed to say "YOU ARE RAPING ME WITH THIS BREAK-UP." Like, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the part using rape metaphors to describe their feelings is the one in the wrong in this mediation.

10.14.2017

65) "I Fall Apart," by Post Malone 100) "Go Flex," by Post Malone

i could have spent eight minutes sitting perfectly still listening to ambient noise and have had the same emotional reaction. "never caught a feeling this hard/harder than the liquor i pour." oh fuck off already.

70) "Good Old Days," by Macklemore ft./Kesha

FINALLY. The pop music gods have heard my prayers: Macklemore rapping about nostalgia. Everything I love, in one delightful package! ...He shouts out Minnesota and this is probably gonna end up being the best song from this week because of that and also because this week is lookin' pretty horrible.

94) "Losing Sleep," by Chris Young

OK so real talk during this bro country joint I got distracted because I was looking at new music releases and APPARENTLY THERE'S AN ANIMATED MOVIE BASED ON "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU?" IT WAS MADE THIS YEAR? THIS YEAR. YOU CAN BUY IT ON DVD TODAY AND OWN IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. I'm sorry. I'm not going to bother processing whatever bullshit this song is about, sex I guess, because THIS WORLD IS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE. This is a movie. This is also a movie which presupposes that this entire time "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is about a puppy that Mariah Carey needed for a... charity fashion show? "Great! We're short one girl with a dog!" "Oh..." This is a cinematic masterpiece and my life is better for having stumbled across it. This and Pokemon Christmas Bash.

95) "Like I Loved You," by Brett Young

So the writer of Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You is one Temple Mathews, who has also written The Little Mermaid II, Peter Pan II, and 101 Dalmatians 2. That is a fucking nuts credit roll, Temple. Dude also goes multiple years between projects, which suggests to me he's like someone at Disney's cousin, and every couple years that person at Disney goes "hey, Temple, wanna make $100,000?" and Temple says "fuck yeah bro" and Temple just lives off that. He makes smart investments and lives in a cabin in Montana and has never actually seen a movie because why would you look at pictures when you've got mountains in your backyard? Temple is living the best life. Dude's my hero. He has someone describe a cartoon to him and writes something based off that and never has to write a second draft.

97) "Round Here Buzz," by Eric Church

Listen, if Eric Church is gonna give us repeats of songs he's done before, at least he's giving us repeats of "Give Me Back My Hometown." It's a slower, sadder version of that song, one that can't be misconstrued as an "I'm poor AND PROUD OF IT!" anthem, this is a song that can only be about a dude thinking about a girl living a life without him while he lives a life with her ghost, but also "Give Me Back My Hometown" is more fun? I dunno, this still prolly gets 2017 SOTY, I've just heard it before. Also, Eric Church? Welcome to the Decade Dance Club. You are the 36th member, and the tenth white male country artist.

98) "Plain Jane," by A$AP Ferg

ok nvm this is song of the week, simply because in the first verse Ferg raised and lowered the volume of his voice. this song went somewhere! this song actually did something! it didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes or be about how it's nice when things are good, Ferg had things he wanted to say and delivered his lines with actual emotions! he did the bare goddamn minimum, and by 2017 standards, that's pretty good! i'm actually going to remember this song a little bit!

Who won the week?

1997. Like, of course 1997 won. It had Sneaker Pimps and Shania, if 1997 lost to these other wack-ass years it would’ve been stunning.

Standings: 1997: 15 2007: 12 2017: 13 oh god all the songs for the next edition look awful, welp