#quite a few other entries where I just stopped midsentence and have no idea where I was going

[pearl-kite]

So back in 2020 I was having A Time, like a lot of people, and in order to ramble a little less and spare folks on tumblr, I opened up a gdoc to use as a journal. I've always wanted to be a journaler, but I've never really been able to stay consistent.

I ended up with close to 80 pages from 2020-2022. I'm weirdly proud of it?

But I decided I don't really want it in google anymore, so I just spent uuuhhhh oops two hours copy/pasting/reformatting it into a scrivener file.

It took so long because I did a kind of cursory reread as I went.

And oof. Things have been rough. But I've kind of forgotten how rough, and it's weirdly encouraging that I have? Like, I knew the '21-'22 winter was rough, but so was a lot of the time around it! But I forgot! Things since have gotten good enough that I've been able to forget, I haven't been stuck ruminating on the horrible this entire time.

And, like, it's going to be like that in the future too. Right now I can feel my depression is deeper than it has been in a while, but look at what I not only survived, but moved past enough to entirely forget. If I'm having a rough time right now, I won't always have a rough time, and in the grand scheme of things I probably won't remember the bad details.

It's just bizarrely encouraging. Rereading all of the depression and mental anguish I waded through has turned strangely inspirational. It feels totally counter intuitive, but I'm going to take it, you know?