#quinntrospection

[quinnkdev]

i wrote a short thing about OFF, and my relationship to it as its translator; thoughts ive wanted to put into words for a while.

you can read it here as well, under the cut.

wait! wait... there is more to be said about OFF than, at the time of my previous review, i had the bandwidth for. i had, temporarily, reached a point of saturation with it - you only regurgitate a game's text again and again so many times until you start getting a bit weary of it, after all - but now that the bomb has burst and the remake is public knowledge (i kept that stuff secret for 2+ years!), i have the peace of mind to really unpack this. OFF was my companion for the late end of my teen years and more or less the whole of my current adulthood. the better - maybe even the best parts of my life - were (at least in part) shaped by adoration for and dedication to this game and its story. OFF survived the beginning and end of several friendships and relationships (romantic or otherwise) throughout my life, and i project it will survive many more - if not me, as a living human being. and i hope you understand that this is a lot to put into writing. can you imagine? something you did at 16 years old, because you were bored and liked a video game; a text someone else made, passed through you like a pamphlet - outgrowing you like that, becoming larger than you may ever be? i wrestle with that feeling frequently. some would grow resentful of the object of this kind of ruminating, especially as a writer and gamedev themselves- but i can't find it in me to ever hate OFF, no matter how often i hear about it; there simply is nothing like it. OFF has created several core memories that i can flash back to. i remember the knot in my stomach at its ending. i remember that it was time to sleep, and i remember staring at the ceiling, closing my eyes, and seeing void behind them, with white bedsheet ghosts floating there. i remember the resolve to translate it. i remember: "i have to show this to decon" (a friend that i've long since stopped speaking to). i remember isaiah (friend i lost touch with, number 2) asking me to keep working on the translation because he loved the game and wanted to know what happens in zone 2. i remember a vacation in france i mostly spent on a shoddy laptop my grandmother owned, on slow (maybe dial-up) internet, tinkering in RPG maker 2003, trying to make more headway in a language i only barely knew better than the one i was translating from. i remember this more than the majority of the relationship that introduced me to the game. that's sad to consider, isn't it? can a story be more significant than a person? i was very unwell for large parts of the time i spent working on this translation. i had dark thoughts; i feared impossible and possible things both. i was depressed, and i made very real attempts to turn the world in the only window i know - my eyes - off. permanently. and maybe- that is why OFF is larger than me. because in the negative space of its conclusion, in the turning of the final switch from ON to OFF, there lies a question: "is all this despair, all this hurt, all this misery and all of this unsolvable injustice of this world worth it?" and OFF, in my opinion, says: yes. or at least, for me it did. i'm not letting go of these memories, or of these stories, or of my adoration for this game. i love it more by the day. i owe a lot to it. this isn't a funeral, it's a celebration. thank you, OFF, and thank you, mortis ghost. i would not be here, i would not be this, and i would not be me without you.

[koalathebear]

Another favourite favourite moment of mine. Two to be precise.

[quinnkdev]

last thing before i hibernate the adrenaline away: please give @ladysaytenn, and @stereotypea1999, and @bloboloblob all of your love, too. <3 without either of them, i wouldn't have put the original 3.0 version on its feet, and this wouldn't have happened.

[koalathebear]

Let's see how this goes. I'm going to do a walk through memory land revisit all/most/some (?) Peter Quinn scenes from previous seasons :)

This one is when we first meet Peter Quinn in episode 2.04 New Car Smell. Estes has authorised that surveillance be conducted on Nicholas Brody and Virgil, Max and Carrie come to meet up with Saul in the surveillance room – where they meet an unexpected and unwelcome new member of the team.

Post and video clip at my blog :)

[koalathebear]

A small but incredibly classic Quinn moment and a classic Carrie-Quinn moment.

[koalathebear]

In this exchange between Carrie and Quinn we have the backstory for Quinn that was his backstory for several seasons - although always a source of debate amongst fans as to how true it was. The backstory was shot down in episode 5.12 and then thoroughly torpedoed in season 6 through some judicious retconning by the writers and fanwanking by the fans.

[koalathebear]

There is something ridiculously adorkable about this scene. It's like a first date, but not. I

[koalathebear]

Next Peter Quinn scene in my Peter Quinn-trospective:)  Such a tiny moment - but very telling.

[quinnkdev]

unrelated: i am happy to see the giant ceiling-centipede claim so many victims tonight.

[quinnkdev]

anybody got any good u.s. stage plays that i could check out? i'm fairly well-read on german and english theatre, but i'd love to get into u.s. playwrights more. >:0

already pretty deep into tennessee williams, eugene o'neill, elmer rice, peter shaffer, arthur miller - the time-frame i'm most interested in is definitely 20th century to now!

[quinnkdev]

so, i've made a decision; lil' announcement.

in light of recent corporate volatility at patreon, and due to the fact that the site's management has frequently subverted some of my friends' income, i have opted to fully move my monthly crowdfunding efforts - "the postmodern hellforest" - over to ko-fi.

billing on my patreon has been paused, and will remain so until its eventual closure. those of you who got a yearly membership: please feel free to request a refund!! we'll get it sorted.

on ko-fi, there's a new 3$ (or more, if you wish to support me beyond!!) tier on ko-fi that will pull the thicket aside for some sneak peeks at the projects i'm presently working on!

you also get discord access to the little, close-knit community of people that think my stuff's pretty neato, too.

3 dollars! three of them. and because this isn't (quite as bad of a) venture capital nightmare, there's no dumb, hidden fees to be worried about! you pay 3$, and that's all you pay.

(art above by @kitet-frogspond!)

[quinnkdev]

minor BLANKSWORD update: still working so much. still so much game to do. way closer than ever, though, and thankfully past the financially challenging parts (thank you to everyone who helped out with that once again <3). been paying little attention to this place in the interim as a result of that intense work, though.

now, it's just time to wait for bites on the proverbial fishing pole... you'll hear details first on my patreon ofc, but yea.

im also opening myself up to some questions again! on BLANKSWORD or otherwise. feel free to hit me up!

[quinnkdev]

May 21st shall from henceforth be called Vivian Day,

[quinnkdev]

paul auster, author of my favourite book ever written, "city of glass", passed away today. his work has had such an enormous impact, not just on my own work but postmodern fiction (AND games! look at metal gear solid 2!) in general.

may he rest in peace.

[quinnkdev]

sometimes i will accidentally say the truest shit ive ever said and not even realise what hit me until after it's already passed. im so mad.

like look at this.

what lightning struck me. what spirit descended into me. this is universal truth without any ice

[quinnkdev]

you know what? fuck you *unwrites your book*