#quinntrospection

[quinnkdev]

ended up taking a vacation over the holidays- not merely from working on games, but from posting too. felt good!

[quinnkdev]

i wrote a short thing about OFF, and my relationship to it as its translator; thoughts ive wanted to put into words for a while.

you can read it here as well, under the cut.

wait! wait... there is more to be said about OFF than, at the time of my previous review, i had the bandwidth for. i had, temporarily, reached a point of saturation with it - you only regurgitate a game's text again and again so many times until you start getting a bit weary of it, after all - but now that the bomb has burst and the remake is public knowledge (i kept that stuff secret for 2+ years!), i have the peace of mind to really unpack this. OFF was my companion for the late end of my teen years and more or less the whole of my current adulthood. the better - maybe even the best parts of my life - were (at least in part) shaped by adoration for and dedication to this game and its story. OFF survived the beginning and end of several friendships and relationships (romantic or otherwise) throughout my life, and i project it will survive many more - if not me, as a living human being. and i hope you understand that this is a lot to put into writing. can you imagine? something you did at 16 years old, because you were bored and liked a video game; a text someone else made, passed through you like a pamphlet - outgrowing you like that, becoming larger than you may ever be? i wrestle with that feeling frequently. some would grow resentful of the object of this kind of ruminating, especially as a writer and gamedev themselves- but i can't find it in me to ever hate OFF, no matter how often i hear about it; there simply is nothing like it. OFF has created several core memories that i can flash back to. i remember the knot in my stomach at its ending. i remember that it was time to sleep, and i remember staring at the ceiling, closing my eyes, and seeing void behind them, with white bedsheet ghosts floating there. i remember the resolve to translate it. i remember: "i have to show this to decon" (a friend that i've long since stopped speaking to). i remember isaiah (friend i lost touch with, number 2) asking me to keep working on the translation because he loved the game and wanted to know what happens in zone 2. i remember a vacation in france i mostly spent on a shoddy laptop my grandmother owned, on slow (maybe dial-up) internet, tinkering in RPG maker 2003, trying to make more headway in a language i only barely knew better than the one i was translating from. i remember this more than the majority of the relationship that introduced me to the game. that's sad to consider, isn't it? can a story be more significant than a person? i was very unwell for large parts of the time i spent working on this translation. i had dark thoughts; i feared impossible and possible things both. i was depressed, and i made very real attempts to turn the world in the only window i know - my eyes - off. permanently. and maybe- that is why OFF is larger than me. because in the negative space of its conclusion, in the turning of the final switch from ON to OFF, there lies a question: "is all this despair, all this hurt, all this misery and all of this unsolvable injustice of this world worth it?" and OFF, in my opinion, says: yes. or at least, for me it did. i'm not letting go of these memories, or of these stories, or of my adoration for this game. i love it more by the day. i owe a lot to it. this isn't a funeral, it's a celebration. thank you, OFF, and thank you, mortis ghost. i would not be here, i would not be this, and i would not be me without you.

[quinnkdev]

last thing before i hibernate the adrenaline away: please give @ladysaytenn, and @stereotypea1999, and @bloboloblob all of your love, too. <3 without either of them, i wouldn't have put the original 3.0 version on its feet, and this wouldn't have happened.

[quinnkdev]

unrelated: i am happy to see the giant ceiling-centipede claim so many victims tonight.

[quinnkdev]

anybody got any good u.s. stage plays that i could check out? i'm fairly well-read on german and english theatre, but i'd love to get into u.s. playwrights more. >:0

already pretty deep into tennessee williams, eugene o'neill, elmer rice, peter shaffer, arthur miller - the time-frame i'm most interested in is definitely 20th century to now!

[quinnkdev]

so, i've made a decision; lil' announcement.

in light of recent corporate volatility at patreon, and due to the fact that the site's management has frequently subverted some of my friends' income, i have opted to fully move my monthly crowdfunding efforts - "the postmodern hellforest" - over to ko-fi.

billing on my patreon has been paused, and will remain so until its eventual closure. those of you who got a yearly membership: please feel free to request a refund!! we'll get it sorted.

on ko-fi, there's a new 3$ (or more, if you wish to support me beyond!!) tier on ko-fi that will pull the thicket aside for some sneak peeks at the projects i'm presently working on!

you also get discord access to the little, close-knit community of people that think my stuff's pretty neato, too.

3 dollars! three of them. and because this isn't (quite as bad of a) venture capital nightmare, there's no dumb, hidden fees to be worried about! you pay 3$, and that's all you pay.

(art above by @kitet-frogspond!)

[quinnkdev]

minor BLANKSWORD update: still working so much. still so much game to do. way closer than ever, though, and thankfully past the financially challenging parts (thank you to everyone who helped out with that once again <3). been paying little attention to this place in the interim as a result of that intense work, though.

now, it's just time to wait for bites on the proverbial fishing pole... you'll hear details first on my patreon ofc, but yea.

im also opening myself up to some questions again! on BLANKSWORD or otherwise. feel free to hit me up!

[quinnkdev]

May 21st shall from henceforth be called Vivian Day,

[quinnkdev]

paul auster, author of my favourite book ever written, "city of glass", passed away today. his work has had such an enormous impact, not just on my own work but postmodern fiction (AND games! look at metal gear solid 2!) in general.

may he rest in peace.

[quinnkdev]

sometimes i will accidentally say the truest shit ive ever said and not even realise what hit me until after it's already passed. im so mad.

like look at this.

what lightning struck me. what spirit descended into me. this is universal truth without any ice

[quinnkdev]

you know what? fuck you *unwrites your book*

[quinnkdev]

hey. you there?

i know being visible sucks sometimes. people hate seeing those who live a fuller life than them- and sometimes, the reasons don't matter. sometimes all that's really there is the hurt.

know that you're amazing. your entire being is. youve charted the edges of it that others have left unexplored, and decided to change where others have preferred to stay the same. nothing against the familiar, or even the sore, of course - but it took guts to be out, and it took spite to flourish, make it, survive no matter what people with holes for hearts say and do.

happy trans day of visibility from one trans person to all other trans people out there. you are beautiful, and you are amazing.

[quinnkdev]

thank you all so so so much for all the love <333

BLANKSWORD is my favourite thing ive ever worked on and i cant wait to see it through to completion. i think youll find its world quite interesting. >:)

if you haven't yet, follow @blankswordgame for direct updates on the game whenever they happen! we got a nice little queue of stuff lined up...!

otherwise, if the game looks like something youd like to support in a more long-term fashion (need to eat while paying for its dev-costs AND freelancing on the side AND severing from my parents(thank you all for your help with that again <3)), then please do throw a coin my way on ko-fi or on patreon ;u; i appreciate you all so much

[quinnkdev]

so a friend of mine just taught me about the bongcloud opening in chess (an unorthodox opening thats essentially a gamble + insult to your opponent) in a discord server we share - and uh. UH. i need to show you all this

[quinnkdev]

making long-form art is so exhausting.

i so consistently had new things to show between 2020 and 2022 that im not used to the long art-drought that im in at the moment, as far as new works to show are concerned.

worst of all, some of it is under nda - i KNOW im cookin, but im legally incapable of telling anyone what until its done!!

BLANKSWORD is also the longest... thing ive ever made. its chunky. itll take a while longer to cook and probably at least another 2-3 months to have more to show as well, and auughhhh. screaming! screaming inside!!!

[quinnkdev]

...leans back in my chair

for some reason, i kinda feel at peace. like i can finally rest a bit more than before.

godspeed to the new generation of rpg maker fans! youre eating good. :]