#queue down at five days and I'm too tired to be worried

[changingplumbob]

I had originally planned to forward one of the love chains today but my energy hit zero quickly. I appreciate them a lot 💓 and I'm hoping to pass it on in the next few days.

Today, much travel was happening. I bought some data for my phone so I could distract myself but in the end I got tired so fast I couldn't even add anything to my SBL note page because my brain was drawing a blank. For context, I can generally deal with going out for a few hours a couple of times a week but it does take me a day to recover from that, thanks chronic fatigue. Today I was out for six hours in one go with lots of walking.

I'm utterly exhausted right now. I don't know if I'll be up to writing tomorrow, I don't even know if I'll be up to playing any sims tomorrow. So if I'm quiet over the next few days, it's not you, I'm not mad, I'm simply recovering. Likewise if I normally comment or normally do longer comments I'm sorry but it probably won't happen, and my replies to comments may sound like I lost track of what I was saying halfway through. Thank you for helping me create this safe space where I can recuperate without judgement. Since I know some of you have anxiety worse than I did I just wanted to assure you any radio silence from me is purely me being tired.

[crystalsnow95z]

Edit: oh gosh I just realized my queue never posted on Namjoon's birthday!

A story made for Namjoon's birthday written at 3am in midst of me being stressed by my big move in five hours. It's a bit short and only includes Namjoon no other members. Might do a part 2 but don't have the time.

Tw: Vomit.

Namjoon plopped down onto the bed in his parents house, wanting to try to sleep off his headache before dinner with him. He still felt jet lagged from his trip to Japan for a photoshoot and thought maybe if he slept until dinner he'd feel better.

He only had a few days off and planned to spend it at home with his family, but he was too tired to even share a meal with them. "I'll just sleep until dinner.. we can catch up then.." He murmurs to himself, hugging one of the pillows to his chest. It only took a few minutes for the rapper to fall asleep, exhaustion hitting him hard.

"Jooni Mini.. it's almost time for dinner." His father gently knocks on the door, not wanting to wake him if he was still fast asleep, the door pushing open from not being properly latched.

Namjoon was curled up laying on top of the blankets instead of under them, face down on his pillow.

He didn't close the window.. I told him to close it when he got home.. it's getting colder..

Mr. Kim enters the room to close it, going to the closet to get an extra blanket to cover up his son, gently placing it over his body.

"Appa I-"

"Aiish! you scared me." He jumps at the sound of Namjoon's voice. "I thought you were asleep.."

"I was mostly asleep when you came in..Sorry I didn't mean to startle you.." Namjoon speaks softly, his nap doing nothing to ease his headache, and now his stomach felt like it was knotting up making him feel queasy.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I woke you up. I was coming up to say dinner is ready." Mr. Kim rubs Namjoon's shoulder. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I just got a headache. I'm okay.." Namjoon sits up, not wanting to worry him. I haven't eaten since Japan since I slept most of the flight. That's most likely why I feel nauseous..

"I'll get you some medicine. You should try to eat. You already slept through lunch." Mr. Kim leaves the room.

Namjoon stretches, his stomach complaining about how empty it was with a high-pitched gurgle. He slowly rises to his feet, going to the kitchen where he mother is setting the dinner table. "Let me help."

"I got it baby, just take a seat. I'm almost done." She gestures to a chair, going back to getting chop sticks from the drawer.

"Here Joon." Mr. Kim returns with two small pills, placing them in Namjoon's palm.

"Thanks, Appa.." He bows, getting himself a bottle of water and washing the medicine down with one gulp.

"Are you not feeling well, Namjoon-ah?" His mother places the chop sticks down to rush over to Namjoon, placing a hand on his cheek. "You do look a little pale."

"I'm fine, Omma. It's just a headache and the time difference messing up my body.. I'll be fine by morning."

"Alright honey, but if you get worse, tell me, okay? I'll take you to the doctor." She places a kiss on Namjoon’s forehead.

The three sit down for their meal, Namjoon feeling a bit better after a few bites of kalguksu. "Thanks mom. It's delicious." He smiles, taking a piece of pork belly.

"I'm glad eating perked you up. Do you want some tea?"

"No, I got water. Thanks, though." Namjoon jumps when he feels his phone vibrate, not realizing he fell asleep with it in his pocket. He checks it quickly.

Did you make it home safely? You looked exhausted when you landed.

"Aaish.. sorry. It's Hoba. I forgot to text him I got here safely."

"You can answer him." Mr. Kim tells him, aware of how worried the members get over one another. "Be sure to tell the others too."

"I will.."

Namjoon texts the group chat.

I made it to my parent's house. I fell asleep right after all these flights lately are killing me. Eating dinner now.

He puts his phone back into his pocket after putting it on silent.

"So how was your trip to Japan?" Mr. Kim asks.

"It was great. I went to a museum after the photoshoot but I didn't get to stay very long because it was close to closing. A met a fan while I was there.. she reminded me how bad my Japanese is. I really need to practice more, she had to really simplify the way she spoke for me to understand her." Namjoon continues to tell his parents about his trip, smiling fondly at the memory.

He thought everything was fine until he stood up to put his plate away in the sink, his stomach churning. He drops the plate when he wrapped his hand around his aching middle, the other quickly covering his mouth as a wet burp escapes.

"Namjoon-ah are you okay?" His mother rushes over to him, gently pulling him back away from the broken glass.

"I..I don't feel well all the sudden.." Namjoon pulls away from her, running to the bathroom and dropping to his knees in front of the porcelain bowl.

Namjoon hardly gets the lid up before his dinner rises into his throat,hitting the back of the bowl. "I'm sorry.." he apologized when he heard footsteps approaching.

His father enters the bathroom, gently rubbing his back and Namjoon starts gagging, another spray of sick pushing its way up. "You don't have to be sorry if you aren't feeling well Jooni-Minie. It's okay.."

Namjoon felt guilt tightening his already ailing stomach. It's been several months since he had the time to visit home. This wasn't what he had in mind as a bonding experience.

Despite his wish to have a nice evening with his family, more sick came up, splashing into the bowl. "Omma..." He whines his stomach lurches, another mouthful coming up gripping the side of the toliet tightly as a wave of dizziness washes over him.

"I'm here baby.." Mrs. Kim enters the bathroom sitting next to Namjoon heart aching to see him in such a vulnerable state. His body was glistening with sweat, tears streaking his cheeks as more sick pours from his mouth and nose. "It's okay, it's okay.." she gently rubs his shoulders, feeling them tensing up, rising underneath her palm.

Namjoon goes to speak, but a burp of sick comes out instead, resting his head on the lid as the last bit of energy he had ebbs away. Despite being exhausted his body doesn't relent, pushing up more sick.

I wish I didn't eat so much..

Namjoon whimpers as another heave comes, less and less coming up each time until he's left only dry heaving. His body trembled with effort as he tried to keep himself upright, not wanting to risk anything actually coming up and causing a mess on his parents floor.

"You're finished Joonie, take deep breaths baby.." Mrs. Kim gently pulls him to her chest when she hears nothing coming up, pulling soms toliet paper from the roll to wipe up Namjoon’s face. "Relax.. it's okay.. deep breaths.."

Namjoon wraps around her waist, obeying his mother's instructions despite the burning pain in his sides with every deep breath, letting his breath go ragged again when his body finally accepts that he had nothing left.

"That's it.. you're okay.. I got you.." Mrs. Kim smooths down Namjoon's hair, gently scratching his scalp. "Can you blow your nose for me honey?"

Namjoon nods, reaching for some toliet paper. "I'm so gross right now.." he coughs before clearing his nose, putting the soiled tissue into the toliet. "I'm sorry.."

"Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for. Here, wash out your mouth Namjoon-ah.." Mr. Kim holds out a small cup.

Namjoon takes the cup in both hands, not trusting himself not to spill. "Thanks.." he rinses out his mouth, trying to rid himself of the acidic tang, spitting it into the toliet and flushing it down. "This isn't what I had in mind.."

"It's okay. I'm still happy to have you home. You're my son. No matter what I'll be here for you. Let's get you to bed baby. Do you think you can stand?" Mrs. Kim asks, rising to her feet, offering her hand to Namjoon.

"Yes, I think so.." Namjoon's voice comes out hoarsely as he got to his feet, stumbling into his father. "My knees are just a bit weak.."

"You poor thing.."Mr. Kim puts an arm around him to support him. "You're smaller than last time you visited.. are you eating enough?"

"Last time I visited, it was in the middle of winter." Namjoon didn't want to explain he was eating less because of his ambassador work. He wanted to lose weight, so he changed his diet, only eating once a day for the past month."I'm fine, appa. It's normal."

"I'll get you some tea to soothe your throat. Honey take him to bed." Mrs. Kim leaves to the kitchen, letting the boys go to the room.

"I'll find you something lighter to wear. Lay down for now Joon." Mr. Kim gently helps Namjoon to the bed.

"I don't want to change, I want to sleep.." Namjoon whines softly curling up underneath the blanket.

"You should at least change your shirt." Mr. Kim insisted, knowing his shirt was damp with sweat. "Come on, it'll just take a minute." He goes to his son's suitcase pulling out a plain white tee.

"Alright.." Namjoon sits up, gently pulling off the sweater he wore on the plane, letting his father help him into the T-shirt.

"There, all done."

Namjoon curls up on the bed again with a yawn, his father covering him up with the blanket.

"Do you want me to leave so you can sleep?" Mr. Kim asks softly, noticing Namjoons eyes were already closed.

"Could you..stay until I fall asleep?" Namjoon asks softly.

"Of course." Mr. Kim smiles as he gently rubs the tension out of Namjoon's shoulders. "I'm surprised you aren't asking for your mother to sit with you."

When Namjoon goes to reply a white dog pushes the door open, jumping onto the bed, laying against his sour stomach. He opens his eyes in surprise when he sees the canine. "Rapmonnie..?"

"It looks like he wants to comfort you." Mr. Kim smiles fondly when Namjoon reaches to pet his furry companion.

"I thought you didn't like me anymore.." Namjoon smiles brightly when Rapmon didn't move away from his touch. It was the first time in years he approached him without Namjoon needing to bribe him with treats.

"I got you some tea Joon-ah." Mrs. Kim enters the room with a cup. "Oh? Rapmon came to make you feel better. How sweet." She takes out her phone to take a photo of her three boys.

"I'll drink it later.. I don't want to move right now.." Namjoon says softly, falling asleep from the combination of the warmth of Rapmon against his abdomen and the massage from his father easing the pain.

"Alright baby. Rest well..I love you." She smiles, relieved to see him looking so peaceful after his awful bathroom icident. She motions for her husband to follow her out of the room when she heard Namjoon's breathing slow.

"Love you joon." Mr. Kim places a soft kiss on Namjoon’s head before leaving the room. "Get well soon."

[iamthecomet]

Hello! I absolutely ADORE your writing! It is truely keeping me sane during thesis writing burnout. I would like to offer a prompt: Aether, super tired and burnt out from taking care of everyone and everything, so the rest of the ghouls corner him and force him into self care and cuddles.

Please dont feel like you have to write anything! I'm mostly stopping by to pay my compliments to you and your writing.

Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad my writing is making your burnout a little more tolerable! I hope you're doing everything you can to take care of yourself through it. Don't be like Aether.

I'm jumping this one ahead in my queue because it's been a rough few days (weeks) for Aether (and Dew, duh) in this fandom. My heart hurts today. And all I want is soft.

Aether is exhausted. Dew can see it. He knows the big ghoul better than Aether knows himself. And he can see the slur in his movements, the way his limbs look heavy on his body. And yet--he won't stop. The flu took the abbey under siege two weeks ago. And so Aether has been helping.

Because that's what he does.

Aether's been up at all hours doing everything he can. He doesn't get sick--he can't. Dew doesn't usually either, his body temperature is too hot to allow anything to take root for long. But even he got hit with it, curling up in his bed and telling Aether it was ok. That the headache was manageable. That he didn't need him to take care of him. Aether had done it anyway. Even after a day of wicking symptoms away from the cardinals, the siblings, from Papa. He pulled Dew into his arms and pressed their heads together, the pain ebbed, drained. And Aether had sagged against him, an arm wrapped loosely around his waist. "You're going to hurt yourself," Dew whispered to him. Aether shook his head, already pushing away from Dew and standing. "I'll be ok, firefly. Don't worry about me." But Dew does worry. He worries far more than anyone expects him to. He watches Aether at every turn as sickness continues to drop humans and ghouls alike. He's awake late one night when Aether finally slumps back into his room. Dew hears him collapsing into bed through the wall. He lies awake, looking at the ceiling. He waits. It's less than an hour later when he hears Aether rise again and leave. Dew tries to sleep. He doesn't. He listens for Aether to come back, for him to finally sleep. He doesn't. Dew can't take it anymore. It only takes him five minutes to get the rest of the ghouls on board, and that's only because he had to go out to the greenhouse to get Mountain. Talking rapid-fire all the way back. While Mountain nods along. "Of course, we noticed," Cirrus snaps when Dew accuses them of not paying enough attention. "It's Aether. He isn't going to slow down until he's done."

"He's done," Dew says, finite. Like it's a decision he's allowed to make. It's not a complicated plan. Dew's plans are rarely detailed, usually just one sentence about what needs to be done in order to get the result.

In this case: Corner Aether. Make him sit the fuck down. The opportunity arises later that night when Aether returns to the common room to slump onto the couch between Swiss and Rain. Dew wastes no time in picking himself off of the floor between Cumulus and Sunshine and depositing himself in Aether's lap.

"Firefly," Aether says, his voice a rumble, slurred from exhaustion. He smells like freshly used magic. "I have to get up in five minutes. I have to check on--"

"No. You don't," Dew says firmly.

"They're sick, Dew. They need me."

"Aether," Mountain says from Rain's other side. "You're going to hurt yourself." "I know my limits. I'm ok," Aether yawns even as he says it.

Dew cranks up his body heat and presses closer. He flattens his palm over Aether's heart, feels the slow steady thud of it against his palm. "You're so far past your limit," Swiss says with a chuckle. But then he's pressing in too, more gentle heat. And Rain reaches up to smooth Aether's hair back from his head, to rub his temples with cool fingers. And Aether sighs his body sagging into them, as the Ghoulettes press closer and Mountain shifts to the floor so he can press his head to Aether's thigh. They lock him in. "You have to let me up," Aether says sleepily. "You're going anywhere until you sleep. I know you haven't." Dew says, putting his hand on Aether's cheek and guiding his violet eyes to Dew's. "I know you're not eating. I know you're not taking care of yourself. I'm not letting you do it anymore." "The Cardinal is really sick he--" "He's not going to die, Aeth." Rain murmurs. "He'll be there in the morning."

"He'll suffer."

"You're suffering," Dew insists. He keeps Aether's eyes on his. "I can't watch you do this anymore. So if you can't take care of yourself for you, can you do it for me?" Aether closes his eyes. He leans into the warmth of Dew's hand. Swiss kicks up a purr, pressing his face into Aether's neck and nuzzling in. Aether sighs, cracking his eyes open to look at Dew, still so close, right there, smelling like smoke and cinnamon. He leans in to press his forehead to Dew's and nods. "For you, firefly? Anything."

[skykashi]

I'm about 30 hours late in saying this, but I can't tell you just how perfect this was 🧡. Over the weekend, I was actually trying to wrangle about eight or nine different plot ideas/oneshots for assorted fic I've been wanting to write for months now. I had thought I might try to use some for Kakashi Week, except none of what I had written really fit the prompts to my liking, and I was just feeling overwhelmed by too many choices (not to mention wanting to finish my current projects, too!).

When I read your comment, the BIGGEST lightbulb went off in my head for how to use team min + time travel to connect all the ideas in a fun and logical way. It was such a rush that I just sat down and typed and edited and drafted for a while, and I forgot to come back to tumblr to tell you THANK YOU!! Not just for pointing out how funny and cute and entertaining this whole thing would be, but also for reading and laughing at my dumb tags and everything! I love seeing your reactions, I'm glad we seem to have a similar sense of humor, and I always look forward to checking your blog and reading your posts. (1/2)

I'm gonna make a blog update about this a little later on, but I just thought I'd give you a bit of a headsup that I'm going to be taking a bit of a break from tumblr/ pulling back from updates and reblogs for a while. I have a short queue lined up, but over the last few days, I realized that tumblr has been absorbing a lot of my energy, and I want to reserve some of that time and energy for creating other stuff. (Writing more is definitely one of the other things). So if I'm not checking in as frequently, don't worry; I'm not losing interest in writing posts or finishing fic or anything. Just doing a bit of rebalancing.

Also, fyi, I spent the first half of yesterday re-reading the first arc of "Abandon." I kind of fell back in love with it after feeling a lot of hesitation and distance from it all summer. So that is where all my writing energy will go next, is to continuing part three, and then finishing part four + five afterwards. After that, probably continuing "Up Against The Wall," and after that, the new one with the Team Minato time travel in it. That's the plan, but I have no idea how long it will take or if I will stick with that order (hopefully not too long). Anyway, thank you for reading, and cheering me on when I'm tired of writing, and going with me and my Team Minato on their sad rollercoaster of emotions. I really appreciate it so much!! 🧡🧡🧡

Shzbvsbjsks I'm so glad you found my silly idea inspiring 🥰 it always strikes me how much Kakashi's personality changed from his kid version to his adult version so I always wondered how team Minato including kid Kakashi would react when they see adult Kakashi shenanigans 😂

It's always sad when one of my favorites blogs isn't as active as usual but it's also very understandable and it's a good thing too that you will get to focus more on writing so hopefully this will mean more new chapters will be coming 👀❤️❤️

And I can't even tell you how much I've missed "Abandon" so reading that you are falling back in love with it is such a great news to me, I can't wait to read everything you have for us, I know all of them are worth the wait 😍❤️

[esterphania]

Gling!Gling!Gling!

This sound keeps on resonating through the colony ,I don't know what making them ring the bell at this time of the day ,such an early hour 😔, oh no ! I know why it's been rang it's because today is the day all young mermaid are to come out for the race before hunting activities begin we do this once every month .I just want to sleep 😴 and cover my ears with the pillows but that's impossible since they are going to still check round all the house for us or wait 🤨 is the colony under attack that's why the bell is been rang so that everyone can come out to fight 😕 this makes me shoot my eyes open to start looking for where to hide as I can't fight for my self I can at least look for how to stay alive .

Am not like every other mermaid 🧜🏽‍♀️ am weak ,slow ,I can't make wave or create storms ,etcetera 🤔who even does that here Lol 😂 but still I can't do anything for my self so I should definitely hide before they get here 😰

Mummy,what about mum ,what do I do I can't go out to look for her I'll die before I make it to any where by now my head has started feeling so heavy I couldn't just get the picture of mom been killed right in front of me ,my hands started shaking I could feel the tears threatening to drop from my eyes 😑😭 why does this always have to happen to me .I have been having this anxiety attack and ptsd as well since when I was a kid ,no,no,no,I can't start thinking of this things I have to go get mum I just have to ,I tried moving but couldn't get my feet or body too as I applied more force I felt my strength dissipate and my eye lids close gradually as I accept the darkness that's comes with it .

"Ada ,Ada,Ada, wake up , wake up baby ,you need to go for the race ,darling wake up you are scaring me "I heard my mum say as I gently open my eyes to find my mum looking at me with worry written all over her face ,I could have sworn she had called my name more than 20 times before I woke up ,

"oh mum ,my sweet mum"I say as I hug her in a rush thanking the water Goddess for keeping my mum alive for me

"Ada ,...Adaobi, what's wrong baby are you okay ?." Mum says as she pulls me out of my daze

"yes mum am fine ,I couldn't be more better "I said to my mum mentally cursing my self for worrying her that much then it me ' the race 'am going to be late and that's if I aren't already late I wonder how many hours I was out for shit I cursed again .

"Ada prepare for the race you have twenty minutes to get out of this house and show them how strong you are " mum said knowing fully well that I was so impotent to do that 😓but still she has faith in me

"Alright mum I'll be down in a sec ,you really know I have to stop going since I haven't made any improvement since then "I said with a worried look on my face "but I'll be down soon never mind ,so no if you don't mind can you leave my room so I can get dress up ,thanks " I said as I gave mum a kiss on her cheeks

As soon as mum shut the door behind her I feel to the bed out of exhaustion am so tired of this stuff

FLASHBACK

The coach was asking all of the racers to a queue for more co-ordinance and here I was just staying in a corner as always . Coach is a man in his late forties ,it seems like he was well structured by the water goddess as he has a handsome face for a man his age with prominent jaws ,small pinky lips and attractive dimples many unmarried mermaids often go after him seeing as his wife passed away leaving him and his two children James and Julia martins and ever since then he has refused to get married .

Coach has always been one of the three people who have been nice to me although he shows it more privately than publicly ,according to him people find fault with what ever I do I'm and he won't want them reading meaning into what doesn't have a meaning although I don't care 🤷‍♀️ or maybe I do care but what can I do 😩.

Well as for his race I don't even know what an doing here ,this race takes place every month on the day which there is a storm ,not the very very troubling storms ,just the light ones as we are still young stars ,I always lose the race because I'm slow and can't challenge my self to do anything .All of my pair are better than me ,I'm ten years old now and am still as incapable as a three year old child I just pray he doesn't remember to call me .Just as I am liking my wounds I begin to hear my name from a distance

"Adaobi,come join them for the race "I felt like swearing at myself as I walk to join the others ,I mean who knows that the mind is powerful as well I thought it was just the tongue that's powerful what a mess 😪.i have never won this race before neither have I gotten between the 1st to 15th people who has been wining since I was five ,so I cant definitely win this. I'm just been put here to be the laughingstock of the community again so here I go as coach blows the third whistle ,the race begins and every one has started swimming they are so very fast and I'm still so slow .

The race is to go around the temple of the mermaids and back to the starting points before the time is up every time I pass there it seems like there's more to it although I can't quite figure it out but this time around as I passing the temple something begins to call me ,to draw my attention to check it out ,to open it , to be honest no one has been able to open the doors to the temple talk less of cracking. It was so real right here at the side of the temple As a noise begin to rise its tempo in my hears I recognized it as clattering sounds of plates and dishes and then cries then it starts to make me slow down making me want to pass out there then am sure there was something being said between all of this but I could hear it as I was almost out because of fear ,then before I know it all I begin to hear is run ,run Adaobi run ,of possible fast ways I could think of swimming nothing came through .I just did the only thing I could that was to swim as fast as I possible could to get out of there .

I got to the finishing point where I began seeing people again before my heartbeat subsided and I realize that everyone was looking at me which face of a WOW and question of 'what was pursuing you 'then I turned to the board to find out that I came in as the fifth person in the competition I couldn't believe it ,isn't it I who had never gotten past twenty second in the race is now the fifth .

I was over joyed ,confused but still happy 😆 because then I began to think that I had hope that I wasn't useless at all just then I took a look at my clothes and I think everyone had started seeing it too and started laughing at me.Well at the end even though I passed that day I never passed again which still means that no one recognized me as a winner that month they all still laughed at me .

FLASHBACK OVER

So now since that one time i thought I won till now that I'm eighteen years old I still haven't won at all am still the slowest amongst the set of people am competing with as my pairs have all graduated to another level of train about two years ago but I still continue going on my mother's request and yes if your asking whether the noise continues then I'll be glad to say 'NO big 'NO' but oops who knows what today will bring .

[lowkeysebastianstan]

hey there. I totally get your frustration with endgame and the ending. I wasn't happy and I'm not happy how half the fandom tells me/us how we have to look at it. how we have to accept it. how the actors are happy with it and so should we. how the writers/producers - okay, I'm gonna leave them out of this seeing neither of them have any idea what they have done in the first place. after all they disagree on everything in every interview since the release. and isn't that funny? (1/?)

how even they are not on one side with the movie? what I despise most right now when it comes to this movie and this fandom is how we are treated. how we should tag our “hate” - which I think is funny since I didn’t hate the movie entirely. I hated pieces of it, like I did with past movies. I never liked doctor strange and even back then people were allowed to mention how casting cumberbatch for the part wasn’t the smartest idea they had. (2/?)

people want us to be happy with an ending that doesn’t make sense to us and they appreciate and are “allowed” to shove down our throats with their happy posts about a perfect ending. how is taking tony’s life after he finally married pepper and got a daughter is perfect? how is sending steve back to peggy after they did everything in their power to convince us he moved on from his past life…how is that perfect? (3/?)

you can probably tell I’m bitter. I really am. there’s not a day that goes by I’m not frustrated with what we got after ten years and 22 movies. however, I thought to myself what would it give me to cling on to this on my blog. would it change anything? I do know I’m not alone. I see so many people agreeing with this anger and it gives me some sort of peace. at the end of the day, though, it’s also important to see what it gives to you. (4/?)

talking to one of my closest friends about it and voicing my frustration with the end helps me more than keep posting about it. because in the end it won’t change a thing. the longer I surround myself with the frustration and anger and everything that comes with this not being what I had hoped for the more it pushes me from the fandom. of course everyone do as they please and I get people who want to get it out of their system. (5/?)

but maybe sitting down and look at what the constant repeating will give you in the end, realizing where it might end, could help finding some kind of peace for you. I’d hope for you to enjoy the parts of the fandom that still apply to you. I really like your blog and you as a person and I’d hate to see one of my fave people on this site to leave (I lost count, but this is the last)

whew! hi right back, that was quite something. 

i feel ive answered this ask before, was that also you?

i mean, yeah. i know im not alone, i do. i see some of it on my dash, but not a lot, since ive had to block every marvel related tag just to keep from indulging in some light murder (just gentle ones, not to worry), and i really cannot fathom why ppl on the other side of the isle can’t do the same? or if you’re getting tired of the negativity? blacklist. or unfollow, block even. 

as ive said a few times lately, ive been here 6 years. and this is the first time ive aired my frustration in any noticeable way. sure there’s been a few occasions where i got the salt shaker out, but that was in relation to much more limited subjects, and it was a post or two at the most. 

ive been frustrated with previous movies too, but ive kept my trap shut, ive just gone on, kept my queue stocked, giffed the rare set and hid behind pretty solid content, no drama, not personality, no engagement. 

and it’s not too bad, to just be anonymous, to look at the pretty, spread the pretty, do the occasional tag rant, and let that be it. 

but.

when i came back after a long hiatus last autumn i started writing again. i posted a psa where i apologised for the fact that i would reblog my writing on this blog, i informed what tags i was gonna use, and for the first time i actually checked my follower count before and after. i lost 20 followers the first day. for posting writing. my writing. that was tagged to a ridiculous degree. and i saw a fair few more disappear before the exodus, and idk. i made me realise a thing or two.

one, people like my blog and the content i post

two, they’re only here for that content

three, to have a strictly themed blog will limit you horribly

four, my followers in general don’t give a shit about me, only about the content i post, which fair enough

five, i care about that, even if i don’t care about the follower count as such, i do care that the ones i have actually like me

six, which is completely absurd bc none of them knows me at all, i never show myself

but that was then. this is now. and the last weeks has made me realise the most important thing of all, i dont care any more. why the fuck should i? when my showing any kind of negativity about something that i did care a whole lot about but i no longer have?

endgame might have killed all my enthusiasm for the mcu, and it fucking hurts. it’s been a staple in my life for years, ive invested my time, my creativity, my love and my goddamn money, and ive got jack shit to show for it. i have a blog that i used to love, but is becoming alien to me, and that hurts too. ive invested a lot in this blog too, after i deleted a few of my other blogs a couple of years back, this is by far my biggest one. and im torn tbh. 

do i want to leave it? no, i don’t. can i go back? honestly? i doubt it. if my love for the mcu is gone, well so is bucky. and lets be real, a sebastian stan blog with no bucky? i cannot really see it, can you?

but hey. ill make you a deal, all of you. ill ease up on the memes, i won’t stop bc i have a few scheduled, you guys blacklist or unfollow if you dont want to see them, and ill see about sprinkling in some sebastian content if i can find any i deem worth it. 

also i don’t have any close irl friends to air my frustrations with, everyone here loved this crap, and that’s not really the discourse im looking for. but im happy for you, it sounds nice :)

hope you’re having a great day! 

eta: i won’t leave btw. not unless the porn hub thing comes into fruition. just so you know, and if anyone cares. just sayin. 

eta2: also? the fact that i, or we, are complaining and being pissed at the movie, but the opposition are attacking us for doing that? instead of, again, fucking blacklist and leave us the fuck alone? yeah, doesn’t help with the bitter. if y’all are so threatened by our arguments, maybe you should reevaluate your own, seems you’re trying a bit too hard there. i don’t want to take enjoyment from anyone, i envy you too much for that, but ffs, just leave me the fuck alone to deal with it. (that’s not @ you, that’s to them)

eta3: and thank you for saying im someone you like. but see? ive been trolling you all, im terrible. and i expect you don’t like me as much now anyways. but thank you, it was nice to hear nevertheless.

[tentacle-stylograph]

:) i finally collected some stickers to put on my calendar to note when i worked on what i want to and other things. took a while. had episodes two and three of The Sandman playing in the background as i cut out surroundings for stickers and put protective tape over the semi-smaller ones, like the unicorns and the hearts and rainbows. the Demencia and 5.0.5. stickers are too big for that, but i eventually decided those didn't even need the "peel off and put on plastic backing step."

(unfortunately not too interested in The Sandman. there aren't any characters in particular i'm interested in... other than Abel and Lucienne, but they don't get enough screentime lol. i'm wondering if i would have been more interested if the story started with episode 3 and worked backward to develop context; an exorcist messing things up by successfully exorcising a demon is interesting.)

anyway.

personal training was good today. there's been definite strengthening in the past few weeks, most notable in that it was PRETTY EASY to hang from the grips for 20 seconds three times. originally even doing only 15 seconds three times was a struggle. but my hands CLAMPED today, which was surprising, instead of quickly starting to slip. super satisfying. my last hanging set i went to 31 seconds.

the ":(" for today is about how distracted i was. did zero homework and cooked zero food, which isn't good. finished the last steak i have in the fridge for lunch. lots of bad self-talk and lots of self-doubt kept me doing things that are 100% doable but not particularly important, like queueing, reblogging, and watching YouTube, instead of what's actually important and what i would have rather have been doing.

that part of the day was deeply miserable. almost just made this all a ":(" entry because of how miserable i was at myself that whole time -- wasted almost the whole day after 11:30 -- but the morning was good, and i was able to at least convince myself to do the sticker stuff. and shower. also bought two more jugs of protein powder in the morning since i'm almost out. need to buy more milk tomorrow

was reminded in training today that, if i really do have ADHD (seems likely -- my mom, brother, and i are all borderline through the questionnaire, and my mom gets tired from caffeine), then maybe caffeine will help me CALM DOWN and focus, rather than energizing me / getting me anxious

-sigh- it's 11.12 pm and i need to floss. haven't brushed my teeth since, uh, yesterday morning, i think? i would like to figure out a sticker system, too, like what stickers mean what and stuff like that. otherwise, it'll just be confusing and demotivating

anyway.

again, glad i got that done. sad i spent so many hours miserable at myself and not having done any homework. worried about the semester, but again glad to have that sticker sheet done. i'd been wanting to do that for a bit

__

...okay, just had the thought:

rainbow, Reginald (the eldritch fella), unicorn, and insect stickers = normal day accomplishments. one per hour of classwork

hearts and flowers = birthdays

Demencia and 5.0.5. = every fourth day of an hour of schoolwork (or projects, like days for weekends), with Fives being for the last ones in the month first coming after the first three Dems and then after the last two. (there's five Dems total and two 5.0.5.s; the others are already on the calendar)

shark = the last few days of the month :3 __

this is liable to change, especially the 5.0.5. and Dem system, and especially with how 5.0.5. works into it. reaching 5.0.5. might eventually feel like an unobtainable goal, so i just quit. ...or how 'bout after three Dems i get the first 5.0.5.? :) yeh, something like that for now

[my-imagination-and-other-stuff]

Part 6, ending

You would never think that silent, calm breakfast time could turn into real storm. Artem kept rotating spoon in his cup and you kept looking down like it wasn't annoying. He's spent a lot of time in his room, talking by phone but you wasn't able to hear anything.

- He's leaving. Do you know that?

You gulped, knowing very well what he meant. It would be hypocrisy to act that you didn't understand his question but you only looked up at Artem.

- Melovin. He's moving to Kiev.

- Why do you ask me? You finally spoke.

- He's leaving because something happend between you two, right?

- Why do you think it has anything in common with me?- You asked him, putting out your cutlery with anger.

- Because you're silent like you was hiding something. You don't seem surprised.- Artem said. There was something in his gaze that you couldn't describe. Not really anger or sadness. It was tiring to hide that he wasn't that wrong about it but it was so obvious that he never really trusted you.

- Artem, who do you think I am?! I'm so done with your distrust. You always suspected something, didn't you?- You raised your voice and left kitchen.

- Yes because he seemed to be interested in you from the start. The way he fucking looked at you and your weird reactions when I was joining you! I'm not the only one who noticed it! - He screamed, following you to guest room- How long this was happening?- He suddenly asked you so you turned to him.

- How long- what?!

- When did you stabbed me in a back and started this shit?! - Artem yelled and pushed chair next to him. You've never seen him that angry.

- What the hell are you talking about? I've never cheated on you! He admitted that he has thing for me and left.

- Has a thing? A thing? - He hissed - I'm not a fucking idiot. I know him better than myself. He wouldn't leave his hometown just like that. It must be something serious.

- I didn’t know what he felt about me till he explained why he’s leaving. He was scared to ruin your friendship. I was scared too - You started and moved closer to Artem - Please, don't blame him. He didn't know how to hide how he feels. It wasn't easy for any of us.

- And why do you defend him?

- I don't - You murmured, confused- I just don't want to be a reason of you two fighting.

It was like never before. You felt so far from your boyfriend. The way Artem was looking at you, felt like you were strangers.

- Is he only friend to you?

- Artem..

- It's easy question - He sighed, touching his forehead.

- Whatever I feel know, I don't think we can fix what just failed - You said with tears in your eyes - It's not about Mel anymore. I'm sorry but I'm tired of this. I'm not comfortable in this relationship.

It hurted to say such words out loud. Artem looked at you in silence like he couldn't believe what he heard. You looked down, not being able to stand his face expression.

- What is it? You want to break up? - He asked weakly.

- I just think that I want some time alone. We're mess now - You whispered, tearing you wet cheeks.

- Well, let me make it easier. If you for once thought about Kostya the way he thinks about you, let's stop it right now. Because I won't stand it.

These were the last words that day. You wasn't able to answer because of upcoming tears and Artem left flat very quickly.

***

- Did you manage to come on time? - You heard female voice when you answered phone. You joined queue to big hall. It was so sunny and hot outside.

- Yes. Thank you so much for sharing room, Carmen. It would be so hard to find accommodation in good price. There are so many foreigners who booked rooms before Eurovision.

- You helped me once.. And by the way, are you going to talk to him?

- Hmm.. I don't think it's a good idea.

- Hey, you came to Lisbon to watch him performing. You said you promised him to go when he finally wins preselections - Carmen said with enthusiasm.

- It was year ago and we haven't talked since he moved out. Besides, my ex boyfriend can't see me - You sighed.

- I see. Well, have a good time.

You was so nervous when you entered hudge hall with other Eurovision fans, especially when you waited for Melovin's performance at the end of show. You came closer to group of people with ukrainian flag. You clapped with them when Melovin appeard. It happened so fast. Piano, fire, his voice.

- Oh my God, that's was great! - You shouted and when camera turned to your direction, you realised that you was filmed with the rest of fans.

- Melovin! - some man next to you screamed. After next hour, hosts announced results of second semi final. You kept your fingers crossed, looking on a big screen with your heart beating very fast. That time when they announced Ukraine as another finalist, you run to stairs where all contestants started walking down from. But when you came back to your senses, you stepped out and hid behind group of people. Kostya appeard but he couldn't see you. Neither Artem. You turned to exit but you couldn't stop yourself from watching press conference on screen in main hall.

***

- Hello? - You answered phone in the morning, seeing unknown number on screen.

- Hi - This voice sounded familiar.

- Hi..

- Are you by any chance in Lisbon? I would swear that I've seen you yesterday in a crowd from balcony. I think that I saw you in video after my performance.

- Mel..

- I can't leave rehearsals but please, come today to cafeteria on first floor in hall - He said with soft voice but you wasn't able to speak. It was so unexpected that he was able to notice your in such a big crowd and when he meant to be fully focused on his performance.

- Hello? Are you here? - Kostya asked you.

- Yes.

- Please, come - His voice sounded sad and suddenly you thought it would stupid to reject his invitation.

- Okay.. I'll come. What time?

- I'm free in two hours. Twelve o'clock?

You looked at your watch. It was taking almost an hour by train so you probably had to go out right now. Of course you didn't tell Kostya you wasn't exactly in Lisbon so you said you'd come on time. You checked out hours of departures of trains and prepared your clothes pretty fast. It was almost twelve when you caught a bus from station to another station where stadion was placed.

- Where is he? - You whispered with concern when you didn't see Kostya anywhere in cafeteria. You was twenty minutes late. He didn't answer your call and for some reason you panicked.

- I won't answer phone - You heard behind your back and saw Kostya smiling widely - I left phone in wardrobe so nobody can interrupt us.

- Did you come just now?

- Actually, five minutes ago. But I don't like sitting alone when there's a lot of people around so I walked away - He said, smiling even more - You look great.

Your heart was beating so fast that you wasn't able to feel it in your chest.

- You too.

You both sat at the table and ordered coffe.

- What brings you here? I mean.. what are you even doing here?- He laughed sweetly.

- I visited my friend..- You said uncertainly - Are you good with Artem already?

His face expression changed.

- For few months we didn't talk except work stuff - He answered shortly and leaned to you - Don't worry. It's much better now.

- I was worried that he might give up on being your manager. But he's really professional and.. he's your best friend after all.

- He is.. How long has it been? Over a year?

- Yeah - You sighed- It's good to see you but won't your team be looking for you?

- They actually know I'm here with you. Including Artem.

- He's probably angry now, right? - You said, looking down like you was ashamed.

- He's actually fine with this.

- How can he..- You didn't finish, looking in Kostya's eyes. You missed looking in them You missed the way they were resting on you. You finally noticed what Artem meant by Kostya's gaze being different. You could see how he was looking at you with admiration.

- He knows well that you can't gave up on someone just like that - Kostya said silently. You tried to smile to him but at that moment you was too moved by his words.

- I would like to ask you something and get an honest answer - He added after a while when you was looking at each other- Are you really here because you're visiting friend?

- I actually.. My friend lives in different place in Portugal but I used opportunity to come here when you're performing. I wanted to see you on stage. I promised you. But I didn't expect to talk with you..- You said with heavy voice, feeling that your eyes got teary - I'm really proud of you. You did it. You really did it.

You laughed nervously and you felt Kostya's hand on yours. It seemed so natural that he wanted to comfort you. It always been like that. Both of you felt good in your own company, except some tension when you felt mutual attraction while dating someone else.

- I'm so happy that you came - Kostya said, caressing your hand.

- Me too. Even if.. I shouldn't come here - You said and added quickly, seeing his expression: - But I don't care. I missed you, Kostya.

- Do you mean that..- He didn't finish when he saw that you nodded. You both knew what was the hidden question.

- I know that timing was awful for us but what can I do when I already love you so much?- He suddenly said and made you feel shivers all over your body.

- I'm tired of denying what I feel about you but I'll always be ex of your best friend - You said, reaching for his hand.

- What is now is the most important so don't leave again.

- But how can we show up in front of our friends.. and Artem as a couple?

Kostya looked away with thoughtfulness.

- We will work it out - He said - For now stay with me till final.

- Ok - You whispered.

- What? - He asked you like he wanted to be sure what he heard. You smiled.

- Let's work it out.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Didn't say you had a girlfriend Rio: but you can tell her she's hitting me up with the back off too late and under fucked up misunderstanding, like 😂 Buster: Didn't say it 'cause I don't Buster: If some girl wishes that's her problem Buster: And yours now like 😂 Rio: It ain't funny, blowing up my phone making me look suspect, like Rio: anyway, Nance gave me the lowdown already so I know she's a cunt so I don't have to hold back Buster: Who's laughing? Buster: Send her my way if she's that desperate Buster: The lads are boring like Rio: Seriously? Rio: No I will Rio: if you're gonna do your own like that you can sort it yourself, not her pimp Rio: not* Buster: Whatever Rio: It so isn't but that's on you Rio: Are you lot out tonight then? Buster: Course Buster: You think I'm waiting at home for you, babe? Rio: Har dee har Rio: sounds like you had a cosy night in in mind tbf Rio: where you going then, wanna meet up? Buster: Not got the light or kettle on like Buster: Sick of the lad already? Rio: Yeah, what you had in mind Rio: Nah, but 2 ain't a party Rio: and I'm going home tomorrow so Buster: Wanna see if he can hang Buster: Fair Buster: I'll bring the party to you then, babe Rio: Pretty much Rio: You're feeling chipper today Buster: I'll insult you when I get there if you really want Rio: Not my kink Rio: would get us back to the status quo though Buster: Just buzzing 'cause you're off home and outta my way like Buster: Can't blame me Rio: I bet Buster: Not looking forward to kicking it in your own ends any more or what? Buster: I know you'll miss me but come on Rio: Nah but it ain't gonna be all fun and games when I get back is it Rio: Shit to sort Rio: but gotta be done Rio: and you wish Rio: I got reason to come back and annoy you some more now Buster: You're not gonna get grounded Buster: Don't worry about it Buster: And I know, kid Buster: Always making it obvious, Cavante Rio: Don't be daft Rio: I've gotta look out for Nance Rio: avoid another ex Rio: all that drama Rio: You're OBVIOUSLY deranged, McKenna Buster: You're used to all that shit many times over Buster: You got this, ma Rio: Shut up! 😂 Rio: Doesn't mean I don't get tired of it Buster: It ain't my fault you've had more exes than I've had fam dinners Buster: Not even starting on family bullshit of yours Buster: Well I'll sort you a decent line when I get there, put a pep back in your step, yeah? Rio: Yeah it is Rio: No show, you are Rio: and bet you've had more, just 'cos you ain't claiming 'em Rio: Go for it Buster: Fuck off I'm being nice here Buster: Trying to give you a proper going away and you're trying to fight me Rio: 🤷 Rio: Soz Rio: Only way I know how, clearly, all those exes, like Buster: What's wrong, babe? I know you ain't gonna miss me that bad so what is it? Rio: You shouldn't fuck Chloe Rio: Idk, you shouldn't have put that in my head Buster: I haven't Buster: She's not my type. I know what you reckon but I do have some standards Rio: Alright, good Rio: Too many lines already, I'm paranoid Rio: she's bad news Buster: Come get some fresh air with me then Buster: Plenty of people say that about me, like. Not that I'm trying to make a connection to her. Fuck that Rio: Might help Rio: Thought you were with your boys though Rio: Yeah but, at least you're upfront about what you are, good or bad Rio: 🐍 Buster: They'll be fine if I don't hold their hands through every song, babe Buster: She's really got to you, yeah? Rio: I'm just being dramatic, too many strangers here Rio: but she did a number on Nancy, that I know for facts, stand by the bad vibes even if I could relax on it rn Buster: Where are you, specifics. I'm come and get you if you ain't coming out Buster: Find those cunts later Rio: Idk, ages away from yours Rio: we're meant to be but the pre-party still going strong Rio: I'll meet you somewhere? Buster: Keep your phone on, I'll be that stalker and work out where you are Buster: Meet you near Rio: Not just a pretty face, ladies and gents Rio: It's alright, just pick a club, no need to ruin the night Buster: At least you're finally admitting how hot I am Rio: 🙄 Really needing the ego boost, yeah? Sure 👌😂 Buster: Find you in The Grand, yeah? Rio: Got it Buster: Half an hour max Rio: Cool, I'm nearer than you so I'll see you in there Rio: *He'd obviously been offended she wanted to leave the party and get a headstart on him on the town, but it was way too soon to show it (thank fuck) and still save face, so she got out without much pouting and whining. Only needed to take one bus, turns out she was about five minutes down the road from Clapham, tops; good to know. Maybe that was why she was feeling so out of it? Not knowing where she was, and who with? Been in that scenario before though and she'd not got this rattled so- blatant bullshit. Rio didn't plan on admitting it to him, but it had way more to do with Buster McKenna than was healthy. Head fuck.  This is why they avoided each other, and had for a while now. It weren't no good trying to just be nice to each other, always went too far. And arguing and being cunts didn't exactly cool the energy between 'em either. No, ignoring each other's existence was key. And yet here she was, going out to party with him. Well fucking done, girl. She rolled her eyes at herself, jogging up and down on the spot impatiently, near enough to the front of the club's queue now she needed to remember to look her hottest so they'd let her in faster. And result. She was in, no coat to put up, so she was away. Barstool, 'round of vodka shots, sorted. Toes tapping, faster than the beat of this shit tune. It was pretty early still, the club only now filling up. Shouldn't have an issue finding her. Not that it was a good idea but finish what they'd started now, like.* Buster: *The lads had been chilling at his since the afternoon doing fuck all of much but getting on his nerves, and when Barnaby suggested getting the drinks in and making something of the night he wasn't even the most relieved of the lot of them, like, so face saved there. Nice one, lad. It was the first decent favor any of them had done him in Christ knows how long, not that he was letting it show. Not a fucking amateur at that either, cheers. There was a girl he'd swiped that was why he was keen to be off. No other reason that they'd had to be privy to. James had been chatting about his cousin since he got with her and Buster wasn't trying to add to that conversation. They didn't know what they were fucking saying anyway. Silly pricks. Let them wonder and speculate over his antics tonight with the Tinder blonde, or any other, they loved it. He had his own mind full of bullshit that he personally didn't love. Worry was a new emotion regarding Rio, one that he didn't feel confident over dealing with, and a lack of confidence was even newer territory than giving a shit about Cavante's emotions. Or so he told himself before he racked up the lines to turn all that off for a while. Worked out proper well for him that had, here he was off and running to cheer her up or what the fuck ever. What was his fucking goal meant to be? Soft cunt. Gonna send her goodnight texts later or what, like? Stupid. Get real all he was gonna do was buy her some watered down drinks for as long as she let him. Big fucking deal and no great help. Still, as soon as he was in he took the stool next to her and did exactly that, ordering more of what she already had.* Rio: *And just like that, he was there by her side. As if this was all standard and they did it all the time. This week maybe but neither of them should get too fucking cosy with the idea, like. She took her share of the drinks without protest, even though she had nothing but empties to offer by the time he arrived. * Next round, like. *She shrugged, spinning the nearest shot glass aimlessly, avoiding eye contact She then spun herself to face the dance floor, like she was surveying the talent from her perch on high. This was fucking ridiculous. He'd be saying as much if she didn't act fast. Jumping up, the tunes still not there but she'd have to make do. As she weaved her way through the crowds, she took a second to break the rules and make eye contact, looking back at him and motioning with a question of 'are you coming?' hanging in the air.* Buster: *He wasn't listening to her 'cause that's how focused he had to be on not staring at her. She looked so fucking good. He'd said as much the other day, believing it when he did, but this was different. He felt it bones deep and more crucially, didn't know how not to show he was being affected. Fuck's sake. No more coke for him until he got his shit together like. Sort your head out, you twat. He shook it, playing as if he was shrugging off her offer to pay 'cause it was better she reckoned he was trying to buy her off again than- What? For the second time tonight he was already asking himself what the fuck he was trying to achieve. Shit. At least before he could chat any more nonsense to himself, or her, Rio was up and away. Not far enough given how easy dancing made it to be close, like, but a reprieve he could count in seconds. Breaths to take. Buster should've known in the next minute she'd steal it all off him with a look. Course. It was an old game. And he'd never once played by the rules, had he? It was too late to start now. He wasn't no choir boy and she was leaving in the morning she'd said. Fuck it. Not a fucking amateur, remember? He'd call her bluff and cheer her up before this shit tune was done. It was just dancing, who the hell was he if he couldn't handle that, yeah? Rio: *Again, screaming internally, asking what the fuck she thought she was doing and why the hell she was doint it; All the while making no effort to slow down, never mind stop. So glad he couldn't read her as well as he claimed, the fucking laugh he'd have about how much she was silently protesting (much too much for it to be anything but mortifying; and very bloody telling). Still, she knew the feeling of eyes lingering on her body well enough by now to know that's what was happening, what he was doing, despite himself. Despite herself, and what a good, sensible girl should do, she smirked, smug satisfaction at taking the lead in both senses. Fuck it, she could say it was the coke making her act up. If he was feeling brave enough in his own good behaviour to question it after. Not likely. So why not? She wanted this right now, so she was going for it. Whatever 'it' was. Stop thinking. Let your body takeover completely. With that in mind, or out of it, she began to move, getting closer to him than was necessary, routine full of 'almost' contact, designed to tease.* Buster: *The song was still shit but he wasn't listening to it either now. Couldn't hear anything but the sound of two heartbeats, his thumping enough to be shaming if he gave a fuck about anything other than getting closer than she already was to him, and hers once he was, echoing such a similar beat. There was smugness in having her rhythm there alongside the intrusion of his, literally hammering away at her pretense of utter control too. Loud and clear for him, drowning out everything that had been said before. Bullshit. Necessary but still ridiculous to look back on from where they were now. Nice try, Cavante, 'cause guess what, I know you are, babe. He wore a smirk to match hers, letting his 'routine' in turn spell out that the teasing shit had gone on long enough, while the hand which had settled on her waist as he moved pulled her body into his. He'd snorted his fair share of lines if he needed something to blame it on other than just being fucking over it and wanting to play a new game and it was unlikely she was gonna challenge him at this point. Hardly blameless herself, yeah? Whatever.* Rio: *She looks down at where his hand has ended up, eyes traveling back up to meet his, slowly, appreciating his body as she did so, letting him know she knew it was anything but a happy accident, but that she wasn't going to say anything either way. Hardly could now, could she? A silent deal being made on the floor tonight. 'This stays between us.' It didn't mean anything, like. Just sexual attraction, however fucked. She wouldn't hold it against his character if he didn't against hers. What happened in the club, like. Such a fucking cliche, Christ; but she felt like being one just this once if it felt this good. She had her back towards him now, winding up and down, hips clashing, making her ache. Before Rio could stop herself (a reoccurring theme of her time with him, it seemed), she had placed her hands over his, still on her waist, and was moving them down, to where she wanted them right now. Fuck. He was definitely going to pull away now, probably have some choice words for how sick and creepy and wrong she was and she didn't have a leg to stand on, no case to fight. Before he could, thinking fast (hopefully faster than he could), she pulls gently on his neck, so she can reach his ear to shout into it, shit tunes always being played too loud.* You promised me a line. Buster: *He shouldn't be this turned on by a few dance moves and unwavering eye contact but he is and there was no way she couldn't know, bodies pressed against each other as tightly as they were. Fucking hell. Yeah, he could lie to himself that it was the fault of the rich, white girls he usually approached not knowing how to dance without doing shit imitations of their current favorite pop icon or being too eager to check him out (sizing him up the same as he did them) to hold his gaze, but that's all it'd be, more bullshit when he'd already said no more.  It was too fucking obvious what this was about and what he wanted. And every movement of hers was as telling. None more so than when she stopped herself, 'cause it was forced in a way that none of their other actions had been, thought out instead of fluid. Of course, immediately after came a brief moment when he reckoned she was gonna nibble on his earlobe or something. No going back then, like, but he should've realised the headfuck was gonna come from a more familiar (as far as Rio Cavante was concerned) direction. Christ. When was the last time another girl had left him wanting more, this much and this soon? Buster couldn't remember. Couldn't think.  State of him.  At least her pulling away to speak let him breathe. He smirked again, faking regaining more composure than he had around her as standard, never mind on a night like this. Nodding his head in the direction of the toilets briefly, he leaned in to reply. * Come on, let's get you sorted. Rio: *She took him by the hand, pulling him through the crowd with an impatience they could both pretend was about coke. Yeah, right. Neither of 'em was fooled or in the mood for fooling now. Her mind had been fully made up for her when his reaction of outrage, disgust, and horror hadn't come; but the opposite had, the hardness she felt tight against her mirroring the ache she felt, less obvious outwardly but, was it though? He knew. She knew he knew so time to do something about it, boy! Now or never, like. Door swinging behind 'em, pulling him into the first free cubicle, reaching behind his frame to lock up, purposely trailing her hand against his exposed forearm, outstretched fingers softly trailing along the veins there, taut between ample muscle and goosebumped skin. Fucking hell. It wasn't her fault he was so god damn attractive. Regret it in the morning. She'd be long gone by then. Breaking eye contact away from where it had fallen below the belt (oops), she grinned, green meeting blue, breathing as laboured as heart.* Go on then... Buster: *The last thing he should have done was followed her into a space where every time his body shifted (however fucking subtly. Or not) it brushed somehow against hers, bringing them back to teasing each other, 'cause unless he pushed her fully against the cubicle wall there was no way to create the blatant friction they both craved, and he wasn't about to do that. Not yet. If she wanted coke, she was gonna have it. Simple as. Just as well that act was though, distracted as he'd become, like. If Buster let himself look back on any of tonight (not wise but nevertheless still likely) he'd pat himself on the back for once again not being a fucking amateur, fine chopping the lines on his coffee table before he came out so all that was left was to unwrap that shit, lay hers out and roll up a note. He'd been on autopilot getting the drugs from his pocket, breathing ragged as hers, the feeling of her stare (and where it was purposefully aimed) leaving him incapable of coherent thought about anything else. Fuck. He wanted her so bad. His own eyes fixed on the locked door, checking and rechecking, focused solely on trying to do that until the memory of her touching his arm resurfaced and then all he could think of was the idea that formed. He smirked for...what a third time? ... Christ knows, before laying her coke out on another, higher patch of exposed skin, eyebrow raised, wordlessly asking Rio how badly she wanted her share now.* Rio: *And there it was. Another silent challenge, a dare. No need for fucking words creating any unwanted space between them, made her wonder why they'd ever bothered when this was so, SO much better. No comparison. Of course, the answer was they bothered so they didn't end up here but she wasn't listening to sense tonight, fuck off. Right now, she WANTED to be here, nowhere else she'd rather, frankly. Fret over it later, like. Or not. It felt TOO damn right to call it wrong. So she wouldn't. And he wouldn't. And no one else need ever know. She wants to hesitate, knows she should. Eyebrows raising to make some display of being all 'really?', like she's so scandalized or not into it, only doing it 'cos she couldn't refuse a dare, could she? But Rio Cavante didn't even flinch, crashing into him full force, pushing him against the door, arms wrapped around his neck to steady herself, steady them both. This close, the heat of him unbearably sexy, his body was so toned and fucking perfect, Christ! She felt dizzy with it, sweat was slicking the white powder to his naked skin, collar bone a natural shelf to hold it. The temptation to lick it off him like salt for a tequila shot was almost too much but she didn't want to be accused of wasting the coke, so she pressed her nose into him, snorting it with ease, shuddering more from the sensation of being this close than anything else, tipping her head back in pleasure, hoping he didn't hear the small moan than found its way out.* Fuck! *Snapping her head back, rubbing her nose with a sniff, damn. Okay. She obviously had to one-up him. What else was a girl to do, yeah? She moved away, to the bag still laid out on the top of the loo, grabbing it 'fore he had a chance to stop her or do anything else to drive her crazy. Shit, she had to take back some control, like! She smirked back at him, the solution to her problem of how to best Buster McKenna becoming obvious as she looked down. Racking it up on her ample cleavage, as if to say, triple dog dare you, McKenna* Buster: *There was half a second as his shoulder blades hit the door, rattling the hinges with the force of their bodies colliding again, closer than they'd been yet somehow but still, at the same time - impossibly- not enough, that he wanted to tell her 'fuck the coke' or something like it. Swore he could almost feel the words tumbling out, begging practically for her to just fucking kiss him instead. But he didn't. Or make a move to himself either. As soon as he heard her moan he knew why, even though they'd waited years and his entire body was insisting that he couldn't any more, refusing in the form of his own shudders as he stood there, knees weak from barely any contact. Fuck's sake. There was so much promise in that sound that Buster grinned, holding her gaze with baited breath until she gave his eyes no choice but to travel with her, settling exactly where she planned for them to. * Oh fuck. *If she said anything about him stealing the words out of her mouth later (not that they could chat about any of this casually) he'd deny it, not realising an echo had escaped from him as he launched himself towards her, lifting her slightly so she rose to meet his bowed head easily. Finally Rio's back landed hard (thankfully against wood same as his had rather than cold, dirty porcelain) with force enough that she'd feel it tomorrow. He wanted that more than anything, even as his line disappeared, snorted all too soon. Fuck her trying to pretend she didn't remember, if her mind pulled that shit her body would call her a liar. He'd made sure of that, like. There was always more he could do though, and he didn't hesitate to put his mouth on the skin she'd already offered him, kisses desperately hard and bruising as his hands trailed lightly down her body, skimming each curve more brazenly than he'd ever looked her up and down before. Christ that seemed like a lifetime ago, her beckoning him onto the dance floor. Not that it mattered. Too much had happened to go back now and there was well more than he needed to happen still.* Rio: *Her cries, a mixture of pleasure and pain as she was unceremoniously slammed into the wall, caught in her throat. Like she couldn't express how much she wanted this, NEEDED this. And she couldn't. No moaning or dirty talk was going to cut it but she could but try. Knowing he knew regardless, and that he felt it too, only amped it up further.* You want me so bad, huh?* Stating the obvious for her own satisfaction, no question mark needed. Muffled curses at him; warning him if he dared stop, to do more, worse, faster, harder, NOW; acting as their version of pillow talk. Pulling his hair, novelty of being above him in the literal. Rio found purchase, sitting atop the toilet, kicking the seat down so he could kneel as she spread her legs for him, pushing his head down, showing him where she needed him.* Please, Buster, please... *She didn't care that this was a club bathroom, that people could definitely hear them, that they'd be hearing a lot more soon if she had anything to do with it. That he was her fucking cousin. Fuck. She just did not care about anything but having him touch her, fuck her. But before he could, there was a monstrous bang on the door that rattled the hinges harder than they had only a few minutes previous.* Shit! Legs clamping shut, jumping down from the seat, pocketing the drugs in her bra without hesitation, she clambered over him, pushing him back, so he was sat down.* I got this, yeah? Worry about yourself. Catch you later... *Rio murmured, squeezing his hand in the hope he'd fucking listen to her, not trusting a coked out McKenna to deal with what was clearly a bouncer and not just a punter desperate for a piss, like. She squeezed out of the smallest possible gap in the door, shutting it behind her, so Buster wasn't spotted.* Buster: *Fuck me. *Holy shit, every word out of her mouth was fucking him up but it was the begging that REALLY sent him over and made him use a phrase that was ridiculously literal. He couldn't help it, knowing that she wanted him bad enough to say that shit out loud what he hadn't when the coke first came out, made more than his knees go weak. He was about to insist that she told him what she wanted again, just to hear it, biting his lip to prevent a moan from coming out before the sentence did when something makes everything stop. It turned his wants back to fantasy, yet again becoming a scenario that wouldn't happen. 'Cause he isn't stupid. As much as many other parts of him were desperate to ignore the pounding on the door, his head, coked out as it is, still knows that they can't. The hired muscle out there wouldn't let them. Shit. It was somehow the unrealest part of this, fucked up as that sounded even to no other ears but his own, that this was how the night was going to end, not how he'd finally let himself want it to. They'd both given in, fully, and there was no pretending at this point (whatever he might convince himself of later, dismissing the night as a weird headfuck etc etc) the drugs were why he wanted her so badly. And worse, all they were now were the reason why he couldn't have her. Fuck's sake. Buster hadn't felt a surge of anger overwhelm him this utterly -suddenly too- since his sister left. Wherever he looked was flooded red, and for Rio's frantic movement, the only thing he managed to do was bite his tongue and clench his fists. Until she'd gone and then he stood up, immediately pacing (an agitated cokehead cliche) the cubicle transformed into a cage he didn't dare leave in this state. Just as well 'cause the next second had him striking out, kicking out hard at the space where their bodies had been, with as much power as he felt had been robbed from him. The wood protested one last time, drowning every sound in his head out with the crash, thank fuck. The cubicle didn't fall to pieces, of fucking course, 'cause it was another thing he needed to happen and he sank back onto the toilet seat, taking shallow breaths.*