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theschizoidblog · 4 years ago

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Getting diagnosed

Blog 1: 19/05/2020

I started therapy on the 23d of July 2019. I was 35 years old at the time, and I had decided to go into therapy for the following reasons:

I felt permanently exhausted

I felt like somewhere during my adult years I had slipped into a depression I’d never gotten out of and I wanted to feel happier in life than I did at that time

executive dysfunction - I still need regular help from my mom to keep my household in order

I lacked any and all ambition to do anything with my life

I had begun to suffer from anxiety and sometimes tiny anger outbursts which were occuring more often than before, which was a sign to me something was wrong and only getting worse as I aged.

I had tried seeing a psychologist when I was 30. It was a man who I disliked so much that after 2 sessions, I ghosted him. I could go into more details, but let’s just say he was not a match for me.

It took me five years before I gathered enough energy and courage to try again. In a way, Tony Atwood helped. I’d stumbled across his videos on Aspergers in women and I’d begun to think that maybe it was Aspergers then. The above symptoms would not be misplaced in a women my age with Asperger - and it was until I got my diagnosis two weeks ago, on the 8th of May, that I was bracing myself for an Asperger diagnosis.

When it turned out to be Schizoid Personality Disorder, I was like: “I’m a what now?”

But kudos to Tony Atwood’s videos for at least encouraging me to seek help and to approach a possible diagnosis with optimism. Even if it’s not Aspergers, I needed that little push in the back.

Why did it take from July to May to get a diagnosis?

Something which may be atypical for someone with Aspergers or SPD, is that I am rather open when asked questions, and I can’t give short answers to complex questions.

The first sessions were about painting a picture of the people in my life - my parents, my sister, her husband, their kid, other important figures in my life like my grandparents, the sort of household I’d grown up in - were my parents constantly fighting (quite the opposite) or did I suffer abuse (no), stuff like that.

They also asked a lot about friends. Did I have a lot of friends as a kid, was I bullied, who were my friends now, had I kept my friends from when I was younger (definitely not).

What about my job and hobbies, what jobs had I taken, what education had I had. She wanted to know when I moved out of my parents place (when I was 25), if I’d had many romantic relationships (none longer than about 8 months).

It took months to get through all that personal information. In sessions of 1 hour (which are sooner sessions of 45 minutes than a full hour) it’s hard to paint the complete picture. Sometimes I went twice a month, sometimes I skipped a month due to the full agenda of my psychologist, but on average I went once a month.

Then after that, this was already in 2020 I think, we started an autism questionnaire, to determine whether I was on the autism spectrum scale (which seemed likely due to the problems I’d mentioned). The psychologist also invited my mother for one session, where she asked questions about my childhood.

“Did Jessie have a lot of friends?” “Yes, she always had friends over.” “Yes, mom, but that’s because you arranged the play dates with the other moms - I didn’t always have a lot to say about it.” “I guess that’s true - you did always enjoy playing on your own. One party, a mom told me that all the kids were playing in the garden and you’d gone inside to play alone with some of the toys - not bothering with the other kids.” My mom remembered that as being odd. I’m far from surprised by that.

After the interview with my mother, I also answered a questionaire about other personality disorders. This is where questions were asked to determine if I had, for example, borderline or schizofrenia or bipolar disorder etc. It was to check if any of the disorders on the DSM-5 applied to me.

And so after about 2-3 sessions of answering those questions, I finally got my diagnosis last session. It was during the last five minutes or so of the session, I was like “and, and, what is it? what have I got?”

I felt numb when she told me what it was - also because I did not understand. I had *never* heard of schizoid personality disorder. And in five minutes, she didn’t have the time to fully explain it to me either. And since I was a little numb from the news, I don’t think I retained the information she gave me as well as I otherwise would have.

She explained that while it’s called a disorder, she is not fond of the word ‘disorder’. She also told me it’s something hermits and loners often are, which made sense to me. She told me that schizoids don’t mind being alone and often prefer it, and once again that struck true.

I also asked why it wasn’t autism then, to which she briefly replied that in my childhood, I did not seem to have difficulty with learning social behaviors.

Next session, I will receive more information from her on the schizoid personality disorder, abbreviated as SPD, and possibly we’ll also check on differences with Aspergers, just cause I am terribly curious about that and will ask for it.

It’s still a week or two until my next session - and in the meanwhile, I’ve looked for more info online. I’ve read the wiki, then continued on other articles online and found a few Facebook groups to join. The more I read about it, the more I’m seeing myself in stories of others.

I’m no longer numb from the diagnosis - but it did take me a day where I was exhausted, cried a bit, lay in bed, before I was like “okay this ain’t bad at all!”

I plan to continue this blog to describe things I learn about myself, to report on my “treatment”, to report on schizoids in modern-day society and to shine a light on what it is to be a schizoid woman.

If you think: “Oh, could I be a schizoid?” - I honestly can’t tell you. Nor are there online internet tests that will give you a conclusive answer to that question. I do recommend seeing a psychologist for that - but it might be harder than ever to get on a waiting list. With the Corona crisis most psychologists have their hands full these days, due to all the mental problems the neurotypicals are going through as a result of the lockdowns.

If you are a schizoid who lives alone and are now allowed to work fulltime from home for the first time in your life, you might feel like I do: that this lockdown is the best thing that ever happened to you. My anxieties are practically gone, while the anxieties of neurotypicals skyrocket.

#spd #schizoid personality disorder #aspergers #tony atwood #diagnosis #blog

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chicklette · 6 years ago

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@frostbitebakery wrecked me with her art. I made the story. The glory belongs to her.

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2

Part III (rated M for all the previous reasons):

When Bucky is twenty-seven, his mother cries a lot. She cries when Bucky gets promoted, when Becca gets pregnant, and when Becca has her bonding ceremony. She cries when George finally sells his half of the shop to his brother, and he makes good on a bonding-night promise to take her to Hawaii. (Even the air smells good there, she tells all their friends when they return.)

Mostly though, she cries because Bucky is always cold, and Bucky is deeply lonely, and Bucky lost his soulmate before he even got him. Bucky lost his soulmate before he ever knew to call another person home.

When Bucky is twenty-eight, he sits on his mother’s sofa with a new life in his hands. Becca is radiant in motherhood, in happiness. She shines like he always hoped she would, though the young years when she was painfully shy around everyone but him, the awkward years when she was coltish and tall, a face full of braces and dimples that rarely showed. Meeting Davy Proctor brought out every beautiful thing in Becca, and even though he desperately wishes he knew what it was like to shine like that, he doesn’t begrudge her even a bit of it.

Gabby smiles up at him, bright blue eyes and rosebud mouth. As six months old, she’s a snuggler more than anything, and has the endearing habit of pushing her hands up your shirt sleeves, and flexing them in time with her suckling. Bucky is utterly gone on her.

“Honey?” Winnie says, and Becca nods. Before Bucky can track what’s going on, his folks, Becca and Davy are all giving him earnest, heartbreaking looks.

“We wanted to talk to you, sweetheart,” Winnie says. “We’re worried.”

“I - you guys, I know.”

“I don’t think you do,” Becca says, and her smile is small, sad. “Buck, it feels like you haven’t smiled in a year.”

Bucky pushes a grin onto his face and even he notices how wrong it feels.

“I’m sorry,” he says, letting the smile fall. “I know, I just….” He stops because what is he supposed to say? He’s just sad.

“Son,” George says. “I know we don’t- can’t - understand. But with everything that’s happened, and everything we know -” He pauses and shrugs. “I just don’t think Steve would want you living this way.”

“I - I know. It’s just hard letting go,” Bucky says.

It’s true.

After his last dream of Steve, Bucky started having nightmares: Dreams where Bucky could have saved Steve, but didn’t.

He knows they don’t make any sense, but he also doesn’t know how to argue against his heart.

Becca’s face is solemn as she hands Bucky a small, white card. “Mr. Coulson gave this to us. He said that you should use it if you need it. He said that - you can be honest with her. She’s been...approved.”

Bucky takes the card and looks at it, before putting it in his back pocket. He doesn’t think he’ll call, but he knows he has to do something. He’s been ghosting through his life for too long now. Hell, he doesn’t know if he ever starting living it to begin with. Steve’s been a part of his life since he can remember.

He looks up at his family: His mother’s eyes are huge and wet, and his father is holding tight to his mother. Davy has his arms around Becca, and then he looks down to see Gabby watching him, eyes full of wonder before she breaks into a grin and coos.

“Alright,” he says, smiling down at his niece that he loves so much. “I’ll try.”

When Bucky is twenty-nine, he takes another leave of absence from work. He tries to resign outright, but his boss refuses, telling him to do what he needs to do, and that his job will be waiting when he returns.

Bucky travels to Europe. He sits in a pub that was rebuilt after the war, in the same corner that Steve sat in, once upon a Christmas eve. He goes to Azzano and hikes the forests surrounding what is now a war monument. When he gets there, he finds that the monument has been built around the rubble of the original building. He climbs a mountain in the Alps and fights his stomach souring when he looks down at the train tracks.

He sleeps in a tiny hotel room in London, on a narrow bed and presses his face to the sheets, the way Peggy did when Steve made love to her.

When he returns to New York, he haunts Brooklyn. He has a drink at a bar, buys a soda at what’s now a 7-11, and leaves a bouquet of flowers on a dead woman’s grave.

It takes a phone call to Coulson, and every ounce of strength he has left, but he visits Peggy Carter. He tells her that his family knew Steve back when. He listens to her stories and he tells her about Steve when he was young, and just what a little punk he was. He tells her that Steve loved her, very much. He thanks her for loving him back.

She dips in and out of lucidity, but when he’s leaving, she reaches out, grabs his wrist.

“Who are you really?” she asks. “Steve didn’t have any old family friends.”

Bucky colors but finds he can't look away.

“Oh,” she says, her brown eyes bright and clear. “Oh, my darling. After all of this time?”

Bucky nods, and can't fight the wetness that clings to his lashes.

Peggy squeezes his hand with what’s left of her frail strength. “He would have loved you.”

He stops trying to hide his tears.

When Bucky is thirty, he starts dating again. He pays for one of the good services, and fills out a questionaire that takes him almost two hours. When it asks how long he had with his soulmate, Bucky lies. Three weeks sounds so much better than “never.”

He’s matched with Darla from Kansas City. She cries twice over dinner, her wounds still too fresh. He’s matched with Michael from California, who is smart and pretty and intense, in ways that Bucky’s just not ready to handle. He’s matched with Jimmy, who is from Brooklyn, too, and they hit it it off just fine.

On their second date, Bucky notices a small tattoo just behind Jimmy’s ear: it’s the Captain America shield. Bucky’s not sure what to think, but when he asks, Jimmy talks about how Cap was the embodiment of everything that Jimmy was raised to believe was good and true and right with the world.

Bucky can’t argue.

Jimmy is kind, and sweet, and funny, but Jimmy is also fun. Bucky wasn’t expecting that.

They go ice skating in Central Park, and see bad 60’s sci-fi at the revival house on tenth. They go to parties hosted by Bucky’s friends, and Jimmy’s, and through it all, Bucky is surprised at how easy it is. Jimmy is direct and when he looks at Bucky, Bucky feels like he’s being seen.

When they have sex for the first time, Jimmy takes it easy and slow, letting Bucky take the lead until Bucky asks for more. When they’re done, Jimmy settles into Bucky’s arms, head on his chest, and whispers stories to make Bucky laugh. Bucky’s grateful, even as he feels sad, and wrong.

He pushes the feeling aside. He’s not the only one in the world without a soulmate.

When Bucky’s been dating Jimmy for about three months, he starts attending a grief and loss group meeting, led by a man named Sam.

Sam lost his soulmate while in the military, and now he tries to help others cope with the same. He and Bucky hit it off instantly, each razzing the other, but also allowing small kindnesses, like a cup of coffee, or an extra-long hug at the close of group. Bucky’s not sure if group is helping, but he goes nonetheless.

Around six months into their affair, Jimmy makes noises about wanting to move their relationship forward. Bucky isn’t aware that he’s holding back, but the way that the conversation blind-sides him makes it clear.

“I want to,” Bucky says. “I do.”

“I know,” Jimmy says, a chagrined smile on his face. “I almost think that makes it worse.”

“We could still-” Bucky starts, but Jimmy cups Bucky’s face in his hand, and the look on Jimmy’s face stops Bucky in his tracks.

“No,” Jimmy says. “We can’t.” Then he leans up and presses a small, soft kiss to the corner of Bucky’s mouth. “Take care of yourself, love,” Jimmy says, then turns and leaves.

When Bucky is thirty, he gets a tattoo. He searches designs and then researches artists, not willing to trust the work to just anyone.

He considers a shield, something like Jimmy’s, but feels like it’s too obvious. He thinks about their birthdays, of something that just says “Steve,” but none of them are the right fit.

On the cusp of sleep one night he recalls a vase he saw in the Brittish Museum. It was an image from the antiquities collection, Hercules and the Hydra. Bucky startles awake, suddenly certain and sure, that that is the right image. That is what is going to help him let go.

It doesn’t work.

When Bucky is thirty one, he and Sam are out for coffee, post-group.

“Are you happy?” Sam asks, and Bucky knows he can’t say yes.

“Man, what are you holding on for?” Sam’s eye are kind, but his voice is exasperated. “He’s gone, right?”

“Long gone,” Bucky says, a grimace on his face.

“Look,” Sam says. “I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. At some point, you’re going to have to decide whether this is what’s right, or what’s easy.”

“Sam, I know. I just -” At this, Bucky leans forward and speaks low, like he’s telling a secret. “It’s like I can still feel him. Do you get that, with Riley?”

Shaking his head, Sam says, “Nah. With Riley, it was like I felt it the moment he was gone. There was just this...space, where Riley used to be.”

Bucky sighs, and leans back in his chair. “Yeah, well,” he says, shrugging.

Sam sighs. “Alright. So you gonna help me run the Valentine’s social or what? ‘Cause I know your dumb ass doesn’t have a date.”

“Yeah,” Bucky says. “Yeah, why not?”

The conversation with Sam doesn’t sit well with Bucky, though. He turns it over and over in his mind. He sits with it through Valentine’s Day, through his birthday, Lent and Easter, and as the New York weather turns firmly toward spring, Bucky makes a decison. One way or another, it’s time to let Steve Rogers go.

When Bucky is thirty-one, he visits the archives, deep inside of SHIELD headquarters. His call to Phil Coulson has been plainative. He just needs to try to say goodbye. He thinks that maybe handling some of Steve’s things, reading some of his writings...something, anything. Something’s got to help.

It’s a cool afternoon when Bucky goes to the archives. He grabs his favorite red hoodie and his earphones for the subway. Coulson is there to greet Bucky, and he gives Bucky an all-access pass, a warm handshake, and a sad smile.

At first, the curator and Coulson hover.

After a bit though, they walk away and let Bucky have the room to himself. He sits at a table and reads through a tactical journal that Steve kept. He traces his fingertip over a picture that Steve drew, of a monkey in a uniform on a unicycle. Bucky remembers dreaming about that drawing, about Steve, being so angry and feeling so useless. He remembers the moment that Peggy Carter walked back into Steve’s life.

He touches one of Steve’s uniforms, and presses his face into the collar, breathing deep, but it doesn’t smell of anything but must.

He walks around the room, a veritable museum of one Steven Grant Rogers, before looking over some of the historical notes. His heart pangs when he sees that that someone has scratched out the “none” next to Soulmate: and put Bucky’s name there instead.

“Jesus, Steve,” Bucky whispers. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

He turns to leave, but his attention is caught by a bust of Captain America in the corner.

The bust looks to be made of marble. It’s captured Cap from about the ribs up, and seems to be life sized. Before Bucky can stop himself, he’s standing in front of it.

“I don’t understand,” Bucky says. “I don’t know why I can’t let you go, but you have to try to let me. It’s almost like I can feel you holding on, and I love you, but this - this hurts. Steve, it hurts.”

Bucky can feel his face heating and his lashes growing wet.

“You’re the only thing I ever wanted,” he says. “And watching you grow up, God, it was like -” and the he laughs, realizing what he’s about to say. “It was like you made for me. And maybe you were. But this is shitty. And it’s not fair. And I can’t keep loving your Goddamned ghost!.”

Closing his eyes, Bucky leans against the statue, feeling the cool marble against his forehead.

“I love you, Steve,” he says, and closes his eyes, letting the tears run in warm rivulets down his face. “I love you so much. But this - this has to be goodbye.”

Bucky rubs his nose against the statue, trying hard not to notice that even as marble, it’s a perfect fit. Groaning at himself, but unable to stop, he shifts and presses his lips against the statue’s, marble and flesh, hot and cold.

He holds there, reveling in the only kiss he’s ever going to share with his soulmate, before pushing away and heading for the door. He’s openly crying as he exits the building, mumbling something to the curator and ignoring Coulson’s shouts entirely.

Ducking down an alley, he comes to rest behind a dumpster, his back sliding down the brick wall before giving in and just...just crying. He cries for Steve, for himself, for the love they should have shared, but never did. He wonders if missing your soulmate can kill you, because he sure as hell isn’t living.

A stray cat sniffs at his shoe before curling in at his side, clinging to his warmth. It headbutts him once, twice, and Bucky is pulled out of his pityfest by the little purr, then chirrup it gives when he reaches his hand out to pet it.

“You’re a friendly thing,” he says, sniffling and trying to bring himself back under control. The cat, all black, peers up at him with great green eyes.

“Skinny,” he says. “You all alone?”

The cat headbutts him again, then rolls onto its side, paws flexing in the air as though it’s swimming.

“Yeah,” he says. “Okay.”

Bucky takes a few deep breaths and leans his head against the wall. The cat climbs onto his lap, then sniffs and paws at his pants pocket, where he has a granola bar stashed.

Curious, Bucky opens it and offers a bit to the cat.

Sniffing, the cat makes a slight chewing motion with it’s mouth, before leaning forward and wolfing it down in one go.

“Okay,” Bucky say. “Okay.” He abandons the rest of the bar to the cat, before pulling out his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sam?” Bucky says. “I think I could use some help.”

2300 miles away, the late spring sun shines hot, and the permafrost shifts.

Steve Rogers takes his first breath in almost seventy years.

...to be continued

a/n: next (final) chapter up just as soon as I can get it out of my head and into my laptop. BUT SOOON AND NO LATER THAN MON/TUES.

#chicklette writes things #soulmates au #shrunkyclunks au #stevexbucky #stucky #oh hai sam #i am such a jerk #sorrynotsorry #blame frostbitebakery #phil coulson is the real hero here

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emeraldcast · 3 years ago

Note

What’s the best thing about the canon you are writing?

canon questionaire

There's honestly so much to choose from. Loki is such a multi layered character, and every time I peel back a layer, I discover more and more about him. I love the fluidity of him, and in a bizarre way, how human he is. He's not all good, he's not all bad, and the trauma he's gone through, and the hurt he feels is so relatable. I also love how tongue in cheek he can be, he's got a great, if sometimes dark sense of humor which I really understand. I just love that I can practically portray him in any way, and it wouldn't necessarily be wrong, because Loki is a unpredictable and always changing.

#{ kilby speaks }

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artdjgblog · 4 years ago

Photo

Innerview: Cathy Fishel / Print Magazine August 2005 Image: Print Magazine Note: Interview for the Print Regional Design Annual.

Introduction: Cathy…Sorry you missed me. Sorry to miss you. Thanks for the message (sorry it cut you off in the middle of your phone number). Things are a bit intense as summer brings a new definition of BUSY. Work. Work. Work. Many thanks for the kind words about my work and I. It means so much. Yeah, I am sure it is chore to sift through all of the junk I’ve been dumping on the PRINT headquarters every March for the past three years or so…(I feel like a true failure if I send less than fifty entries). It is funny because just last week I was thinking about the upcoming PRINT Regional Annual and how I had not heard back on if I was selected…and I guess I have been…how many? And what? I am very curious. I had pretty much written it off. Thanks for informing me…I suppose I was supposed to receive notice upon that a while back…what happened there? Same thing happened to me last year. Out of curiosity I called somebody at PRINT last year and sure enough they had contacted me at the wrong address or something like that…I hope that wasn’t the case again. We need to get that straightened out…indeed. Certainly, I am thrilled to participate in this little questionaire. Wow, i’ve always wanted to. You don’t have to worry about smearing my name from anything said. I don’t care. Here we go… 01) How has the pace of business/number of jobs been in the past year as compared to the previous year? The pace is as thick as I want it and when I have sleep to deprive. I’ve always held other jobs and currently work a massive sixty-two hour weekly schedule as a groundskeeper and a janitorial supervisor…thus, cramming design into my pockets…and whenever I can squeeze it in my free time or find it under the pillow in the wee morning. I never actively seek my work due to time constraints and exhaustion…not yet, at least…and besides, the majority is word of mouth. Most of the time I just make stuff. Some of the time I get a nice little call or email and then just make more stuff. 02) Why is it up or down? The numbers (ups/downs) are slim if you stack them to my three previous so-called “professional” years…of course it’s due to my lack of time…fatigue…getting older…and mostly because I don’t really have a definite connection with my clients like I used to…and I don’t live with bands, attend concerts or am around my clients as much as I used to…(in case you’re wondering, my primary source of work is in the local independent music industry). Also, I am not as twenty-four-seven-gung-holike I was when I first started. I’ve accomplished most everything I set out to do at this point…(perhapsI’m just settling and need to mark a new planner?). 03) Has there been any surprises in the past year? Good or bad? Surprises in my work and thoughts come quite often. Sometimes it’s mush. Sometimes they come as sneakeries. The only real surprises come when I get random calls/emails from kind Print editors, designers requesting copies of posters, people wanting to put me in their books, seeing my work in books/magazines next to my inspirations/peers…and recent college graduates persuing job opportunities with my bedroom design operation. It’s all good…never bad…well, the only bad thing would be that I have to shell out good money for the good books that I’m in. 04) Has there been an influx of a new sort of work or client in your office? In the design community as a whole? Honestly, the only new things I approach are the things that come with each new day and in thought. I try to treat each design day new. Nothing I do is new to the worlds, other than in my own. I do thumb magazines a bit and I am a bit of a junky with design/culture and such…and I do keep my eyes open at all times…though, sometimes too much of it can make me not like design or anything. It’s getting to be way over-impacted with the idea that everyone thinks themselves to be a designer. Most of the only new sort of work that really kicks me (or I even consider new) comes from scraps of paper I find and hand painted ghetto signage. Though, if we’re talking professional work, I guess there is some good stuff coming out of the local climate. And of course I guess there is always good stuff coming out of the woods everywhere. Others might lump me in there somewhere. I don’t really know or care. 05) What is the economic climate like there in general? I was bummed when Quik Trip ended their “Cheap Drink Summer” so soonly…however, I’ve always got the Hostess thrift store two blocks away. I always find free junk in the streets and at work in the trash…and I always find great deals on paper and “whatevers” at thrift stores. No matter if I don’t cash in on design…I’ve always got cheap fuel to burn…and I will always barter for goods and services…if the price is right/not right. 06) Have any large clients closed or left the area? Who? Most of the rock ‘n’ rollers are skinny little dudes and I’m the one that’s gaining the weight around my belt and portfolio pit. There have been a few bands that have broken apart and some that have decided to play musician-designer to save money. And combined roles like that don’t always produce wickedly pretty offspring. 07) Has there been any changes in the ways that clients do business with designers (good or bad)? Not really any changes in clients. People still owe me money. Most people still don’t want to pay much or even pay at all for design…though, they are eager to push the products I slap myself onto and I give them free press in books/magazines. Oh well, that’s part of the deal and I knew that from the get go. It’s more than thant anyway. And I still love them…I am sure they still love me…I just don’t make enough from it to eat. But, I do have some wonderful clients that I hope to cradle and/or have them cradle me for a long time…we’ll see. 08) Is the design community tight-knit? Competitive? Friendly? What? I don’t really associate with other designers due to a lack of time and sometimes, simply want. I do have a few I check in on…but mostly I stick to my own guns. Therefore, I constantly hope my cats and girlfriend understand what the heck I’m talking about. It’s mostly mumbles I’m trying to say though…at least I’m entertained. In terms of the local design community…well, I guess the art/design here in Kansas City is looking pretty good. Even though i’m only in my fourth year, through the visual clutter I can see a few improvements. From what I understand, there is a tight-knit community that I’m not really associated with physically. From the outside, the knit appears to be extremely tight though. These days I like to sit at home and hunch my shoulders…and I like to think and be around people/places/things that aren’t necessarily directly connected to the design world, but they are in my personal one (whatever that means). In competitive terms I guess I fell victim to that last December. One of the best things I’ve ever done was stolen at an exhibition. Poor Mortimer was an only child and I’ve nothing to document him. Either I’m getting somewhat popular or I have a backlash. I’m also getting tired of most of the announcement boards to post posters being smaller than one of my posters (time to break out my little hands). 09) What exciting things are going on in the design community? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Well, I’m kind of excited to see where this city is headed to as a whole. There are a lot of expensive things being built…new downtown developments/arena…and a ridiculous addition to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art that looks like a giant trash bin and/or trailer home. 10) What are you looking forward to in the next year? Any big changes? Anything that you hope will happen? Well, I am getting married this Fall and thus must condense my apartment. I must lovingly adapt to sharing my artifacts, junk, libraries, wall space and work space with a woman. I also plan to start sleeping on a real bed again…and to quit my night job. She is a good one though. 11.) Why is where you are a great place/lousy place to be a designer? Since I’m a one man show, I can take my design anywhere. Though, it helps to have an outlet to a music community…I guess…if I want to continue with that. I guess with this question, it’s mostly all behind the controller. You’ve really got to chop some trees down to be heard…or just put your head down, barrel through them and not really pay attention. And my real dream is to live in the woods outside of a small town near a big city and have the requests come to my porch via arrows…and to make things for myself. I’ve never been one to worry myself about if I’m in the right place or not. As long as my brain is not too sloshy and polluted, I will be fine. 12) What advantages does the midwest hold as a design source for clients? I was born and fed here. It is ok (at times a bit too honky and wonky). I’m happy with the way things have gone so far. I’ve got a meager following here that I suppose “gets it”…and the norm that says, “That’s different.” Though I haven’t really ventured off much in my design life, or simply, life in general. I hear it’s a mighty treat to get out. And I also hear good things about the midwest’s hospitality and friendliness from outsiders and/or people who get out. Perhaps I’ll pack it up one of these days and try some new turf to ooze between my toes. 13) What is the level of student/job applicant talent? Is young talent staying in the area or leaving? It’s really flattering, funny and somewhat depressing to me that I’ve received many offers from recent design graduates who desperately want to work for me. Some are really talented too…and I must paint my sad tale of no funds or time for me to even consider full-time employment with myself. Maybe I’ll just have them move in for therapy…or start my own school with fire poles to slide through the floors of my apartment building and heaping pile of posters to burn for warmth. -djg

#innerviews

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elddansurin · 7 years ago

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found another fun OC prompt and nabbed that shit up for myself. i’ve said it before but i’ll say it again, i’m a very big proponent of filling these questionaires out completely and on my own time, just like we all used to do back in the livejournal days. let’s bring that back. be the master of your own destiny.

today i filled it out for my current golden boy, gavriil. because of course i did! also that was a fun joke, see, because he is an altmer. they’re yellow, or at least they are in my heart (looking at you, ESO)

anyway. this is long. info dump inbound:

A. Psychology

1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera… Lord I know so little about this shit. Let's go with... ISFJ? I had to look at a chart to type that. 2. What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera… I'm swinging between Lawful Good and Lawful Neutral. He very much has established morals, but whether he's good or just acting in his own self interest really depends on the circumstances.

3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? Very yes, and also very yes. Gav's got no name for what's going on with his head, and that alone is just killing him, because he's spent his life trying to quantify, trying to verbalize what he's feeling, but he's coming up short. And that fucks with a guy who's usually pretty good with words. That much aside, his coping mechanisms vary throughout his life, but he has some consistent phases: getting into relationships with dudes who take advantage of his vulnerability and low self esteem, turning hardcore to religion to feel some semblence of emotional connection to another entity, and/or drinking frequently enough that the people in his life begin to Notice. It goes without saying that his timeline is pockmarked by some rather extreme nervous breakdowns, and the only solution he has is "move somewhere new and start over." That's what got him into Skyrim, and all through the main quest storyline, all he can think about is going to Morrowind to try again. 4. Are they a pessimist or an optimist? He's a pessimist who dearly tries to be an optimist. It just doesn’t come naturally to him! 5. Are they good at handling change in their life? Generally, yes. He's gone through a lot of very radical changes, so if nothing else he knows that he'll be able to adapt. 6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.” One of the reasons Gavriil loved being a scholar, loved learning about the arcane, is that concrete facts were very comforting to him. He brought a lot of stability into his life when he was able to dig through texts and see plain truths written out. He doubts a lot of his reality, and that lack of stability gets really close to the root of what's completely wrong with him. 7. Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted? When he was younger, he did a LOT of justifying for his reactions. Now that he's older and way more burnt out, he feels a lot more confident in his emotions. That, or he'll chalk it up to "yeah, I'm just fucked up." 8. Is your OC a martyr? I don't really see him as one, no. I feel like one needs a broader sort of cause to be a martyr. Gavriil can barely stop dissociating for long enough to figure out what’s going on. 9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? He excuses other people far more often than himself. He's extremely self-critical, but his gut reaction is that someone else's actions are probably justified. There's a reason he winds up in the kind of relationships he does. 10. Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily? A bit too easily. He bends, and he's not always even sure why he does it. You want him to do some outrageously intensive task for no apparent reason? He'll be all indignant about it, but he'll do it. He won't know why, but he'll do it. 11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own? He thinks of himself as an extremely self-absorbed, self-serving person, but the truth of the matter is he prioritizes others well past the point of his own detriment. 12. Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves? Oh yes. In his heart of hearts, he knows he has issues with drinking, because he's been self-medicating with alcohol on and off through the vast majority of his adult life. He's even been called out on it in very plain terms, but he uhhhhh relapses from time to time. Never when his life is stable and happy, imagine that. 13. Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from? In his own words, he has a handful of "powerful aversions" with no particular cause. Horses, for one. Raccoons are a newer thing. 14. Is your character empathetic? Rather so, yes. 15. Is your character observant? To a point. Gav has a bad habit of getting stuck on minute details and thus missing the larger, often blatantly obvious picture. 16. Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first? He's largely a trial-and-error kind of guy. Doesn't always learn from the errors of his ways, though.

17. What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves? Those academic accomplishments are kind of a double-edged blade for Gavriil, as he feels a (justified) sense of pride in having learned as much as he has, but at the same time that comes with a very intense feeling of incompetence, because of course it does. He takes that feeling of "the more I learn, the less I know" to mean that his grasp of a particular field is insufficient, or that he's actually learned it wrong and is completely misunderstanding the material. He ends up feeling like a genuine fraud, like he's tricked people into thinking he's knowledgable. Dude can bust out master-level shock spells and brush it off as "basic knowledge," because if he's able to learn it, then it must be something anyone could pick up, right? This got off topic so fast but the gist of what I'm saying here is he's a very smart guy who feels very stupid, but he occasionally gets glimpses into his own level of genius and feels pretty okay about it. 18. Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? He does go through a lot of "god I wish that were me" moods when getting to know anyone who has their shit together, but never to the point of feeling anger or contempt toward the person in question. He's happy for them, but also wants what they have for himself. Romantically, he's not jealous at all. Kind of ties in with what I was saying about him forgiving people who don't deserve forgiving. Cheat on him, and he'll almost certainly look the other way and ask himself how he could have prevented it. 19. What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood? Anyone who expects him to follow orders without actually getting to know him. As much as he bends over backward to please the people in his life, some rando asking him for favors is going to sour his mood pretty quickly. He'll... probably still do it, though. He'll just have an attitude about it. 20. Are they harsh on themselves? Oh god yes. 21. Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why? Gavriil's look, the way I designed it, is supposed to resonate "could arguably be attractive in close to or approaching the traditional sense, but he's tired and haggard and has stopped taking care of himself, and therefore looks pretty slovenly." It's kind of reflective of his character in general: there's potential in him, but Circumstances haven't treated him well. 22. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it? Not at all. By the time the story takes place, he's completely stopped taking care of himself because he feels ugly and dirty, and he doesn't care if that's what he reflects. I wouldn't say he's confident in his mess, so much as he just doesn't care. He's tired, nothing feels good, and he doesn't care if his hair is growing in unevenly or he smells like an armpit. Which it is, and he does. 23. What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? His paaaaaaaast. His past! He knows it, but he doesn't know what to do about it! He keeps hoping that time will heal him, but surprise: it super fucking hasn’t.

B. Social

1. Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it? I can't figure out what this question means, much less what Gavriil's take would be, so I'm skipping it. 2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly? Dude's got all the time in the world. He's old as shit. A long line doesn't mean dick to him. Fucker is completely unfazed. 3. Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera? These days, they'd have to talk shit directly in front of him to get much of a reaction. He's mostly happy he's not being chased off the porch with a broom (which... has happened). Different story when he was younger and was still kinda coming off his upper class upbringing. 4. Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip? You know, I don't think there's much for tipping culture in Tamriel, but assuming there was one, he'd be pretty generous. He doesn't have much to give, but he also doesn't have much to lose, so he's pretty easy about spreading around whatever wealth he has (which isn't much) 5. Do they hold doors open for people? Yes, but in the "walks in first then holds it open for you" way. 6. Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items? Yeah, probably. 7. How do they respond to babies crying in public? He doesn't react much outwardly, but it's a very "nails on a chalkboard" reaction internally. Gav isn't great with kids. Doesn't necessarily dislike them, but he has no idea what to do around em and dreads interacting with them. It's like when you never know what to do with your own hands, so you take up smoking. 8. Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny? Most people come off with the impression that he's pretty dour, but he does have a deadpan sense of humor that a lot of people mistake for genuinity. 9. What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM… The quiet, subtle kind. 10. Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t? Most of the time he thinks it's just incredibly mean spirited and ends up feeling bad, because 'they're probably a really nice person,' and all that. If ever he does find it funny, he immediately feels awful about it. 11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late? He'd never lie about why he was late unless he was hiding something ("no, I haven't been crying, why do you ask"), but whether he'd be apologetic about it or just say "I'm late because I don't want to be here" depends on his mental state. 12. Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do? Eat the food he didn't want, feel extremely disappointed about the entire situation, pay the bill in full, then go sulk somewhere else. 13. Do they have a large or small group of friends? At best, he has a small group of friends who he knows very intimately. At worst, he's completely socially isolated. 14. Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves? Serras is the only person he's ever really spoken to in depth about his emotional issues, and that's only because it has legitimately taken him that long to find someone else like him. Doesn't matter how nice someone is, how much he trusts them, he'd at best be vague about what he's going through. Doesn't help that for most of his life, he assumed he was the only one Like That. If he ever actually met up with someone else who goes through dissociative episodes, he'd have the world's biggest Same Hat moment. 15. Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..? He's fine, as long as they're in moderation and in such an environment that he can stand off to the side when he needs to. He doesn't necessarily mind socializing or being around people, but it can get draining. 16. Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix? He's happiest when he's flying under the radar. Sure would suck if he turned out to be some kind of a mythological figure, wouldn't it?

C. Morality

1. Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it? He has a pretty strong set of morals that generally fall under the classical "good" umbrella. More than anything, he is extremely against hurting other people, and he is very much not willing to budge on that. That aside, he does see the necessity of grays when the situation calls for it. Eg stealing is generally wrong, but stealing to survive is an exception. That sort of thing. 2. Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it? He'll break his own code from time to time, and that's the sort of thing that tends to stick with him. You know, the shit that keeps you up at night. 3. Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own? For the most part, but there are things that he's willing to budge on. For instance, he's extremely over the idea of Altmeri superiority, and he's not going to mix well with anyone who thinks like that, because it's unnecessary and unjustified hate, which kind of goes against his religious beliefs and whatnot. But if he's dating a greasy klepto then, well, pobody's nerfect. 4. Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser? If you asked him this, he'd say he doesn't feel superior to anyone. Subconsciously, though, he still kind of holds a subtle disdain for non-elves, even though he doesn't realize that's what's going on. He'll look at the Skyrim locals and think they're superstitious rubes and feel pity, because that kind of thought process is so deeply socialized and ingrained him in that he doesn't even realize he has that kind of prejudice. And while he has very good impressions of Khajiit (largely thanks to Yanni and his fam), he's very uncomfortable around Argonians. Gav's a ultimately still a product of his environment, and unfortunately, his environment was not a good one. 5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational? For the most part, no! He's very firm in his moral code. Someone could be attacking him, and he'd feel terrible for fighting back. 6. What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so? He'd absolutely help, even if he didn't have much to help with. He's been in some extremely dire financial straits (including during the story), so he can empathise very much with other people who are down on their luck. 7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? He believes that ultimately, people are good, and that those who don't act good have the potential for it. That love and compassion can ultimately overcome hatred. This is probably the most optimistic aspect of his personality. This is due in no small part to his particular religious affiliations. 8. Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical? He's fairly practical. For as much good as he believes is in the world, he knows that it's a lofty ideal that he's got in his head. And, well, he's seen enough cruelty to know that not everyone is willing to tap into that potential.

D. Religion and Life and Death

1. How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general? He's very devoted to the cult (sect? church?) of Mara, as interpreted in the Aldmeri pantheon. He does pay lip service to some of the other aedra, but at the end of the day, Maran tenets are where he's at. He's also a little averse to other Altmer who talk a big game about Auri-El, due to Circumstances. That all said, the intensity of his belief comes and goes in phases. Sometimes he feels very jaded about his beliefs, and other times he's like "hey I should become a priest for five years." 2. Do they believe in an afterlife? Yes, but he has a lot of issues with the concept of dying, so the entire subject makes him nervous. 3. How comfortable are they with the idea of death? Not very! 4. Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be? He'd honestly feel very torn on this. Life is suffering, natch, so an eternity of suffering is a tall order. But he is also lowkey fucking terrified of dying, so he's pretty torn. 5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible? I feel like he's probably met at least one ghost by now.

E. Education and Intelligence

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree? He's ridiculously, like viciously educated. He's smart in the classical sense of being a booksmart academic, and he knows way, way more than most about the arts of destruction and alteratation magic. He acknowledges that he is educated, thinks that the only thing going for him is his intelligence, but he feels pretty dumb. 2. Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera) I had to fucking look this up, but whatever. He'd be strongest in linguistic and logical-mathematical types of intelligence, and very lacking in intrapersonal and existential intelligence. He has no idea what's going on with his life or who the fuck he is, and philosophical debates make his eyes roll back in his skull. But the dude has a pretty firm understanding on the general workings of physics and mathematics, because you can't break laws you don't understand. This bastard loves the levitate, so you better believe he's familiar with the laws of gravity. 3. How many languages do they speak? Just the one. When I said he had linguistic smarts, I didn't mean that would extend to other languages. Just the one he knows. He's very good at that one. Not so much anything else. 4. Did they enjoy school if they went to it? Oh he absolutely thrived in any academic setting. 5. What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education? Gav would have the wizard equivalent of a PhD, and he's the kind of guy who'd have worked on his thesis indefinitely if the University hadn't more or less begged him to please, please graduate. Either start teaching or hit the road, you've been a student for too goddamn long. 6. Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education? After he left the University, more or less the first thing he did (after hitting the ground pretty hard, natch) was immediately pick up a new area of study- alchemy. At that point, he had no idea what else to do with himself! 7. Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous? He takes meticulous, fucking METICULOUS notes, probably way more than necessary. He has testing anxiety, so he's a chronic over-studier. Not the healthiest behavior, but it worked to his benefit, because he was always overprepared for exams and almost always the first to finish. It's a little hard to trip up the guy who obsessively prepares. 8. What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets? Not getting leaving home sooner.

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

1. What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there? Dude sleeps on the ground, because he is in a very gradual recovery period from an extreme breakdown. He left his home and possessions and just ghosted his entire social network, and he's still too unstable to stop moving. You ever get way, way too hot and you just start pacing, as if that's going to make anything better? But you just can't stop yourself, because your discomfort is making you so restless that you can't stay still? I think that's a good analogy for what Gavriil's going through right now. 2. What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it? Shit, can I quote Tom Petty here? I'm going for it: "So I've started out / For God knows where / I guess I'll know / When I get there" 3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”? He's living out of a tent right now, so anything with solid walls is already an improvement. 4. How clean are they overall with home upkeep? Not very. He's a hybrid of "stereotypical academic who leaves his notes strewn all over the place" and "just depressed," so environmental cleanliness is never at the forefront of his mind. 5. How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera? Oh, he's not handy at all. If something breaks, it's broken. Poor bastard barely even learned how to sew, so he's walking around with tears and holes in his clothes more often than not. 6. How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it? He currently has no fucking idea what to do with his life. Not that he doesn't have prospects, but he has such little self worth and he tends to get paralyzed with fear when faced with the potential to fail, on account of Circumstances. 7. What’s their “dream career” or job situation? He would actually do very, very well as a teacher. Explaining the things he knows is probably the one time he kind of wakes up to "holy shit, maybe I am retaining this stuff a bit better than I thought." 8. How often are they home? Ideally, quite frequently. He's at his best when he can unwind in the comfort of his own space. 9. Are they homebodies and enjoy being home? This seems like a nearly identical question, so yes. 10. Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are? He frequently makes botanical/biological sketches for alchemical record keeping purposes, but I imagine those to be a bit closer to the equivalent of a geologist's field sketches than actual art. He's pretty stunted in regards to the arts, actually. That’s more of Serras’s thing. 11. What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most? He loves to read, particularily academic texts. He feels the most valuable when he's learning! He also likes smoking anything that'll get him high, and even some shit that doesn't. 12. Would they enjoy a theme park? Not at all. Too loud, too many people, too much stimulation in general. He'd just want to sit down in the shade.

G. Family and Growing Up

1. Is your OC close to their family? No. 2. Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them? His father, mother, and little brother. He does have extended family, but none of them were every particularily close. 3. Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not? Gavriil hasn't been in communication with his family in a timespan best described as "centuries." I'm TRYING not to get into spoilers here, so I really gotta be vague here. 4. What kind of childhood did your OC have? Bad. 5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up? He was a very shy, sheltered kid, right up until his first year at the University. Before that, he was more or less in his larval stage, if I may. 6. Do they have any favorite childhood memories? Most of them involve his childhood pets (he's had a few colorful birds and whatnot) 7. Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by? He's repressed most of his younger years at this point. Yes, he is aware of that, and no, he doesn’t want to remember.

H. Romance and Intimacy

1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation? He's a big gay, and it took him getting out into the world to let that click into place. Afterward, I'd imagine he'd have a lot of "this makes so much sense now" type of revelations. I don't think he'd have considered being gay as an option prior to going to college. But once it fell into place, he kind of went ham on the identity. To make up for lost time, if you will. 2. Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover? Definitely. He puts a lot of himself into his relationships, puts a lot of effort into making things work. Lets the small stuff slide. Lets some pretty big stuff slide, actually. He'd be a fantastic boyfriend to someone who actually respected him. Hmmm. 3. Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right? He's never really bought into any of that soulmate type of stuff, instead believing that effort is the key component in making a relationship work. I feel like a lot of this might have come from his recent stint as a priest of Mara. Those guys perform marriage ceremonies in Skyrim, and I can’t help but feel like they’d inevitably end up as the Tamriellic equivalent of marriage counseling. So Gavriil’s probably at least a little wise to the notion of “we love each other just because.” Now that I’m thinking about it, I feel like Gav would be the kind of guy who gives amazing relationship advice, and takes absolutely none of it to heart. That actually sounds pretty damn consistent to his character... 4. Does your OC believe in love in first sight? Perhaps. He's never actually felt something like that, however. It always takes him a bit to warm up to someone enough to start feeling anything beyond basic infatuation. 5. Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)? Dude was a priest of Mara, of course he's game for marriage. Thinks that shit fucking rules. Almost got married at one point, even! Didn't work out. 6. Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? Never the former, as he is extremely, extremely morally opposed to that kind of thing. He has been cheated on, though. A lot. 7. What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..) His standards are low. Like, low. Read also: he has a laundry list of terrible, terrible boyfriends. That all said, his track record is comprised almost exclusively of Bosmer and Dunmer. He kind of has a type, as far as looks go. 8. What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date? It's changed a lot over time, but now he's old and tired. He just wants something quiet and intimate, probably fairly low-key. He's not really one for sweeping romantic gestures, at least in most circumstances. 9. What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners? Seeing a potential suitor treating someone else like shit will have him turning tail on the spot. He can and will put up with being treated like a dog, but the second it happens to someone else, that makes it real, that makes it harder to justify.

I. Food

1. What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera? He really likes spicy foods. If nothing else, at least well seasoned. He can roll with a lot, but bland food takes an emotional toll on him. 2. Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions… He licks ants off of rocks for sustenance. Picky, he ain’t. 3. Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances? He's probably not as empathetic toward animals as he could be. He's far from cruel, but he just doesn't really feel bad about slaughtering an animal to keep himself fed. 4. How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot? He cooks more often than not. He's a decent enough cook in a home setting, when he has access to things like utensils and counter space. As far as camping food, which makes up 99% of his diet right now, that's kind of Serras's job. I would refer back to the “eating bugs” statement above. 5. Are they a good cook? He's decent. He's probably not going to fuck up a dish he's making, but his recipe pool is probably pretty shallow. 6. Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly? Yes, it's a survival technique you need to develop when you're poor enough. So says the writer, a man who can eat chili for two solid weeks because it's CHEAP and LOW EFFORT. Gav is no different.

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

1. Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most? For an Altmer, he's fairly progressive. At least, considering the current political climate, he’s progressive. 2. How politically aware are they? Gavriil on the Stormcloaks: "Who?" Gavriil on the Mede Empire: "Oh, how are those guys doing these days?" Gavriil on the Thalmor presence in Skyrim: “Wait, what are those guys doing up here?” 3. How politically active are they? He keeps his head down. The political environment post-Oblivion Crisis is a bit overwhelming to him, so he's kind of maybe stuck his head in the sand. 4. Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong? His reaction is kind of along the lines of "Sounds fake, but I don't know enough about [SUBJECT] to debate this." He’d probably be looking for the next available out to just completely bail. 5. Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about? Depends on what sort of consequences he'd face for doing so. If it'd make a political target of himself, then fuck no. 6. How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs? Quiet disdain and the desire to vacate. 7. How much interest in environmental health do they have? Fairly decent, I guess? If for no other reason than superficial; he'd want to keep pretty locales pretty. That sort of thing. 8. In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle? He would, he's a pretty facts-based sort of guy. I feel like in a different setting (ie Earth-based), he'd be a lot more environmentally conscious.

K. didn't apply to Gav at all, so I skipped it

L. For the Writer/Owner

1. How have your characters changed since you created them? Honestly, he hasn't changed very much! I made his ears bigger, if nothing else. 2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any? Doubt, self-sabotage, and painfully unaddressed emotional traumas. 3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you? I didn't set out to project as much of myself onto Gavriil as I did, but here we are. He's not a perfect self-insert, but there is an awful lot of me in this elf. 4.Would you hang out with your OC if you could? I'd smoke with him, tbh.

There were more questions, but they started arbitrarily going off into 'which of your OCs' territory, and I'm kind of keeping this to Gav for now, so let's just stop here.

#OCs #i fuckin love doing these things #also if the formatting fucks im i'm gonna

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marshmallowsims · 7 years ago

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Psssst... >.> *whispers* All the "Character Questionaire ?'s" for Cardinal! *winks*

FULL NAME

Cardinal Emma Connor (soon to be Coleman)

PREFERRED NAME/NICKNAME

Cardi/Cardinal. She doesn’t mind.

GENERALLY REFERRED TO AS

Cardi. Though she has a few nicknames which differ depending who she’s talking too. ~ Ginger, red and little one are a few of my favourites. She herself loves “little one” the most because her best friend gave it to her :3

APPEARANCE.

FACECLAIM: tbh, I am having sucha hard time finding a faceclaim for her. But if I find one i’ll update thisSEX: FemaleHEIGHT: 4′11, though she kinda borders between 4′10 and 11WEIGHT: She’s always been around 90lbs/40kg. Though with the baby shes gone up quite a bit. So currently she’s 105lbs/47kgBUILD: ThinHAIR: Currently its long. Its soft though very curly. She straightens her hair almost everyday which as you can imagine damages it alot. So when it loses that ‘softness’ she ends up cutting it. She often leaves her hair loose but she likes putting it in ponies. She has dyed her hair a few times but she prefers her natural hair colour, red.SKIN: She’s really pale due to the fact that she doesn’t go out in the sun much (she burns really easily) she takes really good care of her skin also. Its kinda more of a self-conscious type of thing. She tries to ‘fix’ the fact that she has scars by ensuring that she doesn’t have any other blemishes and by keeping her skin soft. So its more like “they’ll comment on how soft my skin is and not on how many scars I have” EYES: Green. Like a dark foresty kinda green. In some light they appear a lighter green. She has natural bags under her eyes which sometimes make her look tired, added to the face that when she smiles she squints. Also her one eye squints slightly more than the other. Which is something she absolutely hates. She always takes selfies at an angle for that specific reason. MOUTH: Her mouth i’d say is rather small. And her lips are plumpish. It often looks like shes pouting because the bottom lip just sticks a bit. Also she has a short upper lip so her mouth is slightly open at all times. As for her teeth, they’re straight, however she has a few back teeth missing because they got knocked out. NOSE: She has a small button sorta nose. Its about the only thing she likes lol. HANDS: Her hands are really small, just like the rest of her. And her hands are cold about 90% of the time. She keeps her nails short though and every rarely does she put on nail polish. Its more of like a special occasion thing. FEET: Smol, bony feet. Cold all the time. Which is why she just keeps them in socks xD SCARS: She has about 19 visible scars. She had much more at one point but they’ve faded and become smaller over time. CLOTHES: She doesn’t have a specific ‘style’ she often goes for comfort. Like baggy tees. She does love revealing clothing though. So I suppose that can also be considered as part of her ‘style’ OTHER FEATURES: She got her ears pointed when she was 15. So her pointy ears. OTHER NOTEABLE FEATURES: She has her ears and tongue pierced.

SPEECH.

VOICECLAIM: no voiceclaim either. Again - having a hard time finding one that fits her. ACCENT: She has an Irish accent. Although its been toned down a bit due to having been in America for so long now. VERBAL TICKS: She doesn’t actually talk that much. Shes more of a show than tell type of person. So no verbal ticks. LANGUAGE: She speaks English, Gaelic and a bit of french, though she isn’t very fluent in it. ARTICULATION: Clumsy with words (just like me) EDUCATION: She prefers short simple words. Though she does like throwing in big words when shes trying to prove someone wrong or when shes pissed off.LAUGHTER: Her laugh is more of a giggle. Though she doesn’t laugh often. Jackson is kinda the only person who can really make her laugh at anytime, other than that she will laugh at funny things on TV and the like. GRUMP: She does whine a lot when grumpy. And grunts when annoyed xD BREATHING: She sighs pretty often

MANNERISMS.

FACE: Sometimes when she’s worried you can tell because she wears at her lip but other than that she has a ‘resting pout face’ HANDS: She doesn’t do any hand gestures. But she does play with her fingers, or pull at her clothing when talking. She fiddles a lot. LEGS/FEET: She taps her foot when excited or nervous. And she tends to bounce on the soles of her feet when excited. EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS: Cardi is… very emotional. So this happens… often. Random outbursts throughout the day is common for her HABITS: She fidgets and bites her lip. POSTURE: Her posture is really good most of the time. Mostly just due to years of discipline. Though she slumps if her mood is bad. WALKING POSTURE: Shes the ‘skip gleefully’ type. Her walk is always energetic. Though if shes grumpy then she purposely slumps and drags her feet till someone asks whats wrong. SITTING POSTURE: She likes to sit cross legged PERSONAL SPACE: She has some problems with personal space. Like hugging people and any physical contact really. However when shes comfortable around people then she’d just affectionately lick their cheek and grab their hand or anything random that’ll make the other person laugh… or shake their head. SPACIAL AWARENESS: She notices everything around her, and will get anxious if something is suddenly out of place. When sleepy all that just goes though. OTHER: She scrunches up her nose when in thought

HEALTH:

DIET: Her eating habits used to very unhealthy. She’d go days without eating only to later binge on junk food (when sober) otherwise the only thing in her system would be alcohol. However her eating habits have improved a lot since becoming pregnant and of couse because of Jackson’s influence. She does still have days though where she binges on an unhealthy amount of ice-cream. SLEEP: Her sleeping habits aren’t the best. She has very bad nightmares which sorta makes her scared of going to sleep at night. Due to that she’d stay up till she actually passed out from exhaustion. Though, just like her eating habits, this has improved a lot. She does still get nightmares but they are much less now. And (because of bird) she goes to be early and wakes up early. EXERCISE: She loves running and going on walks.ACTIVITY: She can be very lazy xD but if she wants something she’ll work really hard to get it. Then any bit of laziness just evaporates. CLEANLINESS: She loves taking baths and showers. ODOUR: Shes always cold so she doesn’t really sweat that much, but when she does she doesn’t smell particularly bad. Just.. normal person smell xD MEDICINAL DRUGS: She used to take anti-depressants and sleeping pills. She’s stopped since becoming pregnant though. NARCOTICS: nopeADDICTIONS: Drinking. ILLNESS: noneINJURIES: She does get really bad back pain and other aches due to past abuse that her body went through. She also has some problems with her kidneys so she does get pain from that. PARASITES: nopeeOTHER: She has trouble using her left hand. Like the grip is weakened due to a past suicide attempt.

PERSONAL.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?: She is definitely an extrovert. She does get very shy when first meeting people. OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST: Kinda in between. She switches between the two depending on her mood. GENDER: FemaleSEXUALITY: She is sexually attracted to both males and females. She’s heavily attracted to anyone that takes on the role of a ‘caregiver’ so if they look like they could be her mommy/daddy then she’s definitely interested. However when shes feeling self destructive then shes basically into anyone that looks like they could hurt her. ROMANTIC: Shes super cheesy. Into that whole romantic deal. The cheesier the romance the better. She loves it. MEMORY: She remembers everything that a person tells her. Which in time works for her because she can very easily remind them of things they’ve said. PLANNING: She’s ‘good’ at planning. But she chooses to wing it most of the time. She lives for anything spontaneous and out of the blue. She’s the type that would show up at your doorstep without calling first. PENSIVE: She thinks about everything. Then she rethinks it. Again, and again. Till she has a mental break down and hates herself even more. And repeat. INTUITION: She is the absolute worse at making good decisions. She’s very self-destructive and impulsive. So that never ends well when given a choice between a good and a bad thing. PROBLEM SOLVING: Shes good at solving other peoples problems. GOALS: Her main goal in life is to just live long enough to see her kid grow up. Short term goals would be to actually not chase away Jackson. INSECURITIES: Everything. She is insecure about everything. Literally, name a body part or her personality and she could probably give you at least 10 reasons as to why she hates it. ACHIEVEMENTS: Shes proud of having made bird and for not yet ruining her relationship completely. ANXIETY: thinking about the future causes a lot of anxiety for her. Thinking about raising bird. Anything relating to parents/her parents. When people look at her scars for too long.OVERWHELMED: She gets overwhelmed easily. Sometimes little things are enough to cue a mental breakdown. SELF-HELP: LMAO there is no self help. Shes a self-destructive mass who relies on others to make her feel better about herself. COMFORTS: Giffery. Nothing can comfort her more than that Giraffe canBAD HABITS: She is a bad habit on her own xD but really, her drinking habits are bad. Also she bites her lip and her cheeks till the point where they bleed (when shes nervous/anxious) PHILOSOPHY: she believes that everyone is out to get her. Does that count?TRIGGERS: Parents. That’s it. Just hearing people talk about their moms/dads is enough to bring back things that she would much rather keep buried deep down.

THE PAST.

PARENTS/GUARDIANS: She has a really really bad relationship with her parents, to the point where their names actually make her sick. Its.. messed up SCHOOL: She was home-schooled, so she didn’t really have a choice to not focus xD but she enjoyed having something to do so she did really well. ADOLESCENCE: This is when he ‘rebellious’ stage kinda kicked in. She also started drinking and just kinda became more apparent that she’s a mess. LEAVING HOME: Leaving home is something she marks as the best decision in her life. She’d been wanting to leave since before she even hit her ‘teen’ years so finally being able to lifted a huge weight off her shoulders. FURTHER EDUCATION: She went to college, shes currently in her third year which she does online.FIRST JOB: Her first job was working as a zoo keeper. She enjoyed it a lot. She loves wild animals so it was a really nice experience for her.LIFE EVENTS: She doesn’t really have one singular life event. More as like a whole bunch just pushed together. I think meeting someone who actually cared for her changed a lot of things for her. And then obviously falling pregnant is a really big and significant life event. However her childhood alone has a lot too do with how she’s ended up. WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: [possible suicide trigger] - worst day of her life, and one she still recalls with exact detail, is her first failed attempt. Just the after affects of it all. How she was treated in the hospital. How her parents both changed towards her (becoming harsher) her brother changed around her too. And it made everything ‘worse’ than it was before. To her anyway. BEST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: She doesn’t have one day that she counts the best. It’d be impossible for her too choose just one. However most of the ‘best days’ shes had involve Jackson or bird or both. LESSONS: Most important lessons she’s learned is that you can’t always rely on people to be there for you. And sometimes you have to deal with the most difficult of things alone. LOOKING BACK: [possible suicide trigger] looking back, the one thing she would change is making sure that her ‘attempts’ actually worked. Even with all the good things going on in her life right now, she still carries so much and none of that will ever go away.

RELATIONSHIPS.

FAMILY: She doesn’t have any grandparents or extended family. So its just her parents and her brother, whom she doesn’t always get alone with. Her parents she just hates and they her. Though, her real dad, is still out there somewhere. She has his number but she’s scared he’ll be as bad as all the rest. FRIENDSHIPS: She loves loves making friends, but she doesn’t have many. She’s not the best at starting up conversations but shes working on it. The friends she does have she loves dearly. FRIENDS IN NEED: She tries to help her friends as much as possible. With anything going on in their life she’ll drop everything she can and be there for them. She’s really supportive, understanding and she doesn’t judge either. So if they ever need her she does what she can. If all else fails she offers tons of hugs and baked goods.NEEDING A FRIEND: She’s still working on actually accepting help from people. She’s so used to doing everything alone that even when she truly needs them she’ll keep quite and try and deal with everything herself.ANNOYANCES: She hates arguing but more often than not she is the one to cause arguments (shes a shit, best to accept it now) she turns small things into something big and it kinda spirals from there. That or she just ignores whoever shes mad at (something she isn’t very good at)ROMANCE: “I’m a mess. First they feel sorry for me, then they fall in-love with me” quoting her twitter lol. But romancing people… she flirts. And she can be kinda good at that. Mostly she just puts it out there that she’d do anything for them and all she wants in turn is to be loved. Its pitiful. That’s why it works so well. MARITAL PROBLEMS: She tries to talk it out. But most of the time her and Jackson will argue, like big very big argument. And when she gets upset shes more likely to speak whats on her mind so then it comes out whats actually going on and they work from there. ADVERSARIES: kinda silly but if the person doesn’t necessary pay ‘attention’ to her then she just pulls away. She hates not feeling needed. ENEMIES: She doesn’t have any enemies. And you’d have to screw up really badly in order to become her enemy. She doesn’t even view her parents as her enemies and they messed up really really badly. STRANGERS: She gets shy around people she doesn’t meet. And it takes her a while to trust them. So with strangers she’ll be very pulled away and short till she gets to know them better. FUN STUFF: She views anything as fun. Going out to any kinda ice cream place is the funnest for her. And well, anything goofy and crazy. DATING: She loves going out. She doesn’t mind staying in occasionally but she gets restless and wants to go out to do stuff. BEST FRIEND: She considers Jeon as her best friend. She trusts him more than everyone else. LOVE: She loves Jackson. And she literally considers him the love of her life WORST ENEMY: nobody. RESPECT: She respects everyone. Even people she doesn’t like. Though if someone is flat out mean to her then she will be back. Or she’ll just cry… probably that.

INTERACTIONS.

MINGLING: I think she gets along well with almost everyone. There are some who find her annoying but she tries not to be overbearing or needy. But she really tries to be friends with everyone. COMFORT LEVELS: She gets uncomfortable if people get very touchy-feeley. If she knows them well then she doesn’t mind but otherwise she hates it. PHYSICAL: If she doesn’t know them then she keeps her distance. However when shes comfortable around them she gets very affectionate. Wanting to hug them all the time, poking them, playing with their hands. Patting their heads etc…GROUPS: She doesn’t like groups very much. 4-5 is max for her. OPENNESS: Shes very open about everything thats happened to her. She has no problem explaining in detail. Buuuut, when it comes to feelings/telling people how she felt during all that thennn you’re going to struggle to get it out of her. GENEROSITY: She likes buying things for people and visa versa. She’ll love anyone who buys things for her JEALOUSY: She kinda gets jealous of people that are happy. lmao. Its petty honestly but she just gets more sad than jealous. She gets super protective though and gets jealous easily when her friends are talking to others. TEMPER: She has a very short temper xD EMPATHY: She’s really good at being empathetic. She often tries to relate on how the other person is feeling so that she can know what to say to them. Not always to make them feel better but just so that they know that she gets it. AFFECTION: Often by spamming them with messages. Or just giving out lots of hugs. DISTASTE: She actually makes it really apparent by just flat out telling them. She hates giving off mixed signals or well making them feel disliked so she’d rather just tell them. ETIQUETTE: She tends to be polite. But she sometimes loses that filter and gets a bit TMI without really realizing itRESPONSIBILITY: She is very irresponsible. She can barely look after herself lol. But I mean she does try. She is really good with pets and taking care of them. And she takes good care of Jackson when she’s sick. As for taking responsibility over her actions… she does that.. sometimes. Only when she knows she truly screwed up and needs to fix it. SELF ESTEEM: Shes used to people pushing her around so she takes it. She won’t stand up for herself because shes just… so used to it that she can’t imagine anyone being nice to her without having some kinda gain. CONFIDENCE: She hates herself. So confidence is almost non-existent. But shes working on it. And she gets little spurts where she doesn’t hate herself as much. HONESTY: She worries sometimes about hurting out peoples feelings but she tries to be as honest as possible. She does have her secrets though. LEADER OR FOLLOWER: Shes certainly not a leader but she also hates following xD PARTY TRICKS: she’s very good at making people uncomfortable PRAISE: She tends to praise others. But she’s not used to getting praise in turn. She thinks she’s being lied to then. FAILURES: She considers herself a failure and just assumes that everything thinks the same xDCRITICISM: Her response to someone criticizing her would be “same”INSULTS: insults/compliments. She can’t tell the difference. There’s hardly anything anyone can say to her that she doesn’t already say to herself. EMBARRASSMENT: She gets embarrassed really easily. Her whole face turns red. Its adorable. FLIRTING: Shes flirty in a fun type of way. Its kinda just another way that she shows affection by ‘joke flirting’ ATTENTION SPAN: She gets distracted very easily. Like… very very easilySITUATIONS: social situations going bad… she kinda freaks a little. Often wants to leave/get away.

LIFE.

CAREER: She doesn’t have a career at the moment. However she is studying to be a pathologist. She does want to get a part time job after the baby is born to get Jackson off her backPROMOTION: read above ^ BOSS: She is her own boss. She hates her boss. DUTY: At the moment, because she stays at home, she mostly just does normal house spouse things. And she studies. TECH: Shes very in the whole social media thing. POLITICS: She kinda just tries to avoid the whole ordeal. COMBAT SKILLS: She can punch and kick but thats about it. Oh and she bites. HOME: She likes everything to be as neat as possible. Jackson’s kinda messy so she lets some things slide just so she doesn’t make herself go crazy. DAILY LIFE: She has a hard time actually getting up in the morning. But she manages. INDEPENDENCE: She depends a lot on others to assure that she does not destroy herself. She CAN do most things on her own. But she needs that extra support and help. COOKING: She’s not the best cook. But she can bake very well. BUILDING: She likes putting things together. Especially if its lego CLEANING: She hates cleaning but she likes when things are neat and in place so she does it more just to keep her sanity up. She loves when Jackson gives her small chores to do though. SHOPPING: She loves online shopping. And spends a great deal buying her baby more clothing than she’d ever wear xD DRIVING: She can but its always a hassle to get the seat right so she can touch the pedals. FINANCES: As someone who never had much growing up is careful as to what she spends it all on. So shes careful. However she does like going on little clothing sprees. MARRIAGE: She never pictured herself getting married. She never even pictures herself as making it past 18 but hey, here she is. Engaged and nearly 21KIDS: She never wanted kids. But accidents happen and well she loves her baby more than anything else in the world. She definitely doesn’t want anymore kids though. PETS: She loves animals, and currently she and Jackson have a cat and a dog.DEPENDANTS: She looks after the animals. And after Jackson when he is sick (which happens more often than you think) LAW: Underage drinking. COURT: She has a few times in her life while trying to get a restraining order against her dad. PRISON: nopeTRAVELLING: She hasn’t traveled much. Her and Jackson did go to Ireland beginning this year and she wants to go again. Shes also going to be visiting New York after bird is born. MEDICAL: She super scared of doctors. She tries everything to avoid them and she just has a fear of needing to go to the doctor/hospital. ILLNESS: She has a few mental illnesses. WORRIES: She worries a lot about people leaving her. Suddenly not being good enough. Something happening to bird. PEACE: She hates the quite. She sleeps better when there are some noises. Like the hum of the fridge or Felix (her dog) snoring. PARTYING: She ‘used’ to go partying a lot. Often went to extremes with her brother and his friends. And she took whatever chance she could get to go partying when she moved away too. Though that ceased when she went to college, she just stopped going out cause she didn’t know the place. HOBBIES: She reads a lot. And she writes. She also likes taking pictures of anything and everything.

#nonsimsical #it took me all day to write this #I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY #i'm kidding #it was fun #really got me thinking about how sad cardi is #also made me think of plot things #shes too happy rn #*evil grin*#asks #oc: cardinal #character development #oc stuff #oc asks

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svbjetarch · 7 years ago

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VinBun!

.• ♕ ┊ LET THE MUSIC PLAY.

SHIPPING QUESTIONAIRE Status : Accepting @niiiightsky

Usagi ✗ Vincent

where was their first date ? Actually, I don't think they would have had a typical first day because as they work together often, they'd just naturally slither into a relationship so a cliché first date would happen way later. They'd rather start with simple things, mostly Vincent buying her drinks and snacks when he knows they have a shooting together and he goes past a convenience store on the way or the "we both don't know where the location is so let's go get some coffee and find the way together". But after some weeks of being like that, Vincent would have made a reservation at some fancy restaurant and ask her out and all those necessities like picking her up, treating her, sharing desserts, taking her home and maybe a short kiss at the door.what my muse would do to cheer your’s up ? Let's be real: He'll buy her food. Buy her food, kiss her forehead, feed her, cuddle her. He's the really affectionate guy and worst case he'll just make stupid faces to cheer her up. But I somehow think he has it quite easy with making her smile because they're generally super sweet.who wakes the other up with kisses ( and where ) ? They'd both do it??? Usagi prolly by pecking his cheek or his lips and Vincent on his innocent days by pecking her forehead or - ngl - kissing her thighs and inbetween on his naughty days aka their days off.who would pour water on the other to wake them up? Usagi because Vincent would never dare shock her in such a way or wake her up in not gentle way. He worships her. Usagi probably doing it with the little devil on her shoulder called Kwangmin.how would my muse wake yours up ? Tell her to get up and go take a shower. Tell her again, give her a kiss and get dressed. Then tell her again and finally being more stubborn and not letting her sleep again by continueously telling her they have work and "my little bunny still has to take a shower or no time for breakfast" and all sweet.who would start a food fight while baking or cooking ? PLEASE don't make them bake/cook. D I S A S T E R. It would probably be Vincent, though, making clouds of flour by blowing it into her direction and then laughing as he brushes it out of her hair.who would suggest putting marijuana in the brownies ? Vincent? On their shared holidays in the Netherlands? Because he has gone around the world so much and is a curious little thing but he's respecting the laws so he'd only suggest so wherever it's legal.who said i love you first and how ( or when ) did they say it ? Vincent would at a gloriously romantic moment. He'd probably have it all planned out, booking dinner on a river cruise or some late visit to an amusement park or whatever but he'd just blurt them out way too early, like, when they meet up and she wears that really pretty dress or something.who would get into a physical altercation over the other ? As much as I'd love to say Usagi to burst that bubble of her innocent image, it'd probably be Vincent in the heat of the moment and especially if they dare insult her or anything alike. He's protective. A baby. Please love him.who insists on purchasing a pet together ( and what kind of pet ) ? Vincent bought a puppy with Kwangmin already. Fight me on this. It's Usagi's biggest rival in love along with his 20 cameras she's not allowed to touch.who is louder ( in and out of bed ) ? Out of bed it's Vincent and especially if that 4-cornered friendship is all together because don't leave them boys alone. But in bed it would be Vincent giving his best to make Usagi be loud. Lbr.who takes more risks ( in and out of bed ) ? Vincent??? Did you ever look at him??? But really, he's more curious than good for him at times which also shows in the way he never sticks with one specialization of photography because he wants to try it all out and master it all although he'd have had enough opportunities to make it big already. He definitely wants to play it safe later on but not without having given it all a try. He's not that much into trying out new things in bed, though, but definitely more than Usagi but only ever if it doesn't mean making her uncomfortable in any way most times or hurting her.who would bring up the word ‘daddy’ first ? He would? With a horrible lame joke as if to buy her sweets and then be like "you know what I just brought you? sugar. you know who buys sugar? daddy. so am I your sugardaddy now?" But he would feel odd about her calling him daddy??? so no???what is their shared, favourite kink ? Sex all throughout their apartment? Is that a kink? Okay, prolly their most beloved kink is the use of scented lubes/massage gels because she likes scented things and he likes giving her all kinds of sensations and these things are a totally harmless way to do so.describe their typical kiss ? S O F T. Lbr, Vincent just pulling her close, kissing her head, playing with her hair, all these things to lead towards him lifting her chin, having to lean down his head cause height difference and soft kisses. Mostly without tongue or too much passion, I bet. He merely loves the taste of her lips.how would my muse show their love for yours ? Okay but Vincent is the guy to show affection with money but not in a bad way. He wants to spoil her and make her feel spoiled so he'd often treat her to things, buy her drinks and snacks, pay her meals, buy a necklace and earrings there, a dress and a pair of shoes here. But he'd pay attention to not making her feel burdened so he'd stick to the cheaper things ( although he could afford more ) or the expensive ones for special occassions, her birthday, Christmas, her getting a big gig, all that. their favourite ways to give affection ? The things they'd both love doing definitely is cuddling and being all cozy together. Watching movies while sharing a blanket or holding hands while walking through the streets. They're drawn to PDA.who is more dominate ? Vincent? Unless Usagi's being overly adorable? Idk???who sings in the shower ? They both do? Steamy shower duets? Now, that sounded wrong. I can imagine them both singing in the shower and, like, Vincent singing in the shower but Usagi needs to brush her hair so they sing together for a while or Usagi singing and Vincent forgot his deo so he's just joining in, spraying deo, leaving. It's their thing.who washes the other’s hair in the shower ? Usagi can't even reach his head. Good try there. So Vincent it is.who initiates shower sex despite being in a rush ? Vincent would but they both know that it wouldn't just end with one round of shower sex so better none of them does if they're in a rush.who teases the other under the table at dinner with the family ? Why can I so imagine horny Vincent doing that? Caressing her thighs, sliding a bit too high, but never actually going there but seriously, the moment they're in their car, he'd lose it and definitely it would be GAME OVER once they're home.who has the weirder taste in music ? Vincent listening to African tribal music, though.who would initiate dancing in the rain ? Vincent would because he's a silly person but he'd totally manage to make Usagi have fun with it as well.who would be the one to suggest marriage ? There's no way there's suggesting, there's only Vincent proposing without ever having talked about them getting married and Usagi having to agree.what would they name their children ? Minnie and Mickey. Okay, let's be realistic. They'd probably name their kids with a Korean and a Japanese surname so there're both nationalities. Or they'd look for a name that's used in both their countries. He'd also suggest naming their kid after his mother if it turns out to be a girl.who would their children take after more ? They'll definitely earn their mother's adorableness and their father's silliness. Checkmate.

#niiiightsky #( Usagi ✗ Vincent )#( about .• ♕ ┊ Vincent )

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immoralrpg-blog · 7 years ago

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Congratulations, NALA, you have been accepted for the role of MARLENE MCKINNON, with the faceclaim of CAMI MORRONE. This was a particularly tough choice to make, but in the end your attention to detail was what made Marlene so stunning. I love the idea of Marlene’s subtle penchant for romance despite the situation she’s found herself in, and I adored the little nods to the pureblood supremacy she experiences through her family. Well done! Please head along to the CHECKLIST for your next steps.

CHARACTER NAME: the absolute gem that is marlene mckinnon !! GENDER & PRONOUNS: cisfemale, she/her/hers. FACECLAIM: cami morrone, neelam gill, ana de armas. BIOGRAPHY:

you are four years old & your mother is scolding you for breaking the china glass during supper. you didn’t mean for it to happen, but it was the fifth time mrs. rosier pinched your cheeks and it just hurt so much that you forgot about your uncontrollable magic. later, when the guests are gone, your mother will tell her house elf to repair the broken glass, and that if you ever embarrass her like that again, she will hex the magic out of you with a flick of her wand – all in one sentence. you are going to cry, but not because of her threat; no, you’ll cry because it’ll be the first ( but not the last ) time you’ll think, ‘mummy doesn’t love me.’

you are eight years old & you and your father are having ice cream with a girl named evie and her mum in the park. evie is different from your other friends because she can’t do magic, but your father says that doesn’t matter. unnerved by this, you enjoy playing with her and promise her that she can come over for a tour of your house soon. later, when your parents think you are sleeping, your mother will scream at your father for taking you to the disgusting muggle-infested world behind her back, and that her reputation is done if marley tells anybody. she will suddenly barge into your room to check your arms and legs, making sure you aren’t infected by anything. she’ll hug you so tight that you’re going to struggle to breathe, and your father will have to pry her fingers off your bruising skin. you won’t realize it for another four years, but that will be the last time your family is alone in a room together.

you are eleven years old & you hug your mother goodbye in front of the hogwarts express train. you notice your father slightly flinch at the affection, so you give him a hug and a kiss. you sit with james and frank in a compartment, waving goodbye to your parents as the train lurches forward and they disappear from your view, but a hole in your heart starts to grow bigger and bigger – because you feel like you’re saying goodbye to a happy family you’ll never come back to ( you are right ). later, when you’re sitting in the common room with your new friends, you are going to be curious to learn more about your muggle-born housemates. you’ll be confused when you realize that they aren’t barbaric animals with diseases – that they’re just like you. in the letters for your mother, you won’t talk about your new friends; instead, you’ll talk about your studies, and how much your love your history of magic class. but in the letters for your father, you’ll pour your heart out about how you think mummy was wrong all along.

you are fifteen years old & you zip your skirt as you shoot a mischievous grin at the boy in front of you. when he says, ‘we should do this again, mckinnon,’ you blush, yet offhandedly reply with a sly ‘we’ll see.’ despite your intentions, you think it’s romantic to lose your virginity in the dead of the night, with the stars gazing down at you from the top of the astronomy tower. you don’t tell him this, of course – gryffindor captains don’t have time to care about romance. later, when you receive an owl from mcgonagall congratulating you on becoming gryffindor’s newest chaser, you’ll know that your plan was successful. you’ll celebrate with your friends, accept the gifts your parents send you because they’re just so bloody proud, and you’ll have far too much fun flying your broom around the quidditch pitch with your team. after the first practice, the captain will slip his hands into your knickers while he kisses you, and guilt will resonate with you for stealing the last spot on the team just by taking off your shirt. you are going to hate feeling like an object for sex, but you’ll love the feeling of power when you can get whatever you want with a simple, doe-eyed longing look.

you are seventeen years old & you beam at the recommendation letter your defense against the dark arts professor has written for you. if dumbledore was worried you had nothing going for yourself, this will surely change his mind – you can easily land a job at the ministry with this flimsy piece of parchment. nevermind if your mother frowns at the glowing letters about your work ethic and your father keeps questioning you for your latest report card ( ‘how on earth did you get an outstanding in alchemy? i remember mcgonagall telling me that you would skip that class every week to mess with peeves…’ )you brush it off, and pretend you’re offended they don’t think you’re a star student. later, when you tell your parents that you’re going to be joining the order of the phoenix after graduation, your mother will be livid that you’re choosing to mark the mckinnon’s as blood traitors and she’ll beg you to change your mind( ‘you’re going to get us all killed, marley! why do you have to pick a side?’ ). you are going to turn to your father for support, but the way he’ll avoid your gaze will tell you everything that you need to know – that it’s okay to like muggle-borns and half-bloods, but it’s not okay to fight for them. betrayed and hurt, you will fill your trunk with everything you own and stay with a friend for the time being; unbeknownst to them, the day you decide to come back will be the day your entire lineage is slaughtered.

QUESTIONAIRE

your family life. how’s it like?

“ At the moment, not too great. When I told my mum that I wanted to join the Order, she nearly fainted. I could’ve sworn her head was ‘bout to blow off. My dad, on the other hand, didn’t have much of a reaction, but that’s not good – it’s like when you do something bad in front of other people, and your parent pulls you aside and says something like, ‘just wait until we get home,’ in a calm but low voice. It feels all scary, doesn’t it? That’s what it was like when my dad found out. Except he didn’t say anything at all, so that made it even worse.

Needless to say, we had a huge row. The biggest one I’ve ever had with them, actually. Usually, they don’t talk about the things they don’t like about me to avoid the confrontation. I reckon it’s because they don’t want to lose me… it’s like I’m the only thing holding them together. Mum and Dad have always had a rocky relationship – when I was younger, Mum would go a little ballistic if she was worried about me. Dad hated it, and they used to fight about it all the time.

At least they’ve never let their relationship get in the way of raising me. Sure, my mum’s a little too obsessed with Pureblood traditions, and what my dad thinks is best for me is usually one-sided. But at the end of the day, I can safely say they provided me with a fulfilling childhood. That’s all different now, though. I’m not too sure when I’ll go back to them… ”

what can you see yourself doing in the future?

“ I love Potions. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not that studious. I just don’t have the patience for writing essays and practicing spells every weekend. Ironically enough, I do have the patience for brewing potions. The few times I’ve messed up, I just felt really motivated to keep doing it until I got it right. And practice makes perfect, so now I can brew quite a few potions with my eyes closed – I don’t mean to brag, but it feels good to know that I’m not bloody useless at everything.

I’d like to be a potioneer one day. Maybe own my shop, make a living out of it. I genuinely enjoy it, and it’s a safe route… but I don’t know if it’s what I want. Because I like to be ‘out there’, taking risks. That’s what gets my adrenaline rushing. Sometimes I think I’d be better off as an Auror, but the idea of failure just wrecks me. I think I’d be really hard on myself.

And if we’re not talking about careers, I can see myself married. Not to sound like a hopeless romantic, but I’d love to have a person – my person – who I can spend my life with, maybe have a kid or two. I know I’m young right now, and I haven’t been in too many relationships, but the idea of love is so nice. Makes my heart feel warm. Okay, this is getting a little sappy for me, and I’ve had my emotional limit for the day. Next question? ”

what do you smell in amortentia?

“ Mmm, I want to try brewing this love potion but Slughorn’s too scared to let me get my hands on it. He’s probably heard the rumors ‘bout me, and thinks I’ll use it for a quick shag…he’s not wrong. Anyway, back to your question. I’ll just list everything I can, alright? I have amazing senses, so this’ll take a few minutes.

I smell sweat after sex. Leather jackets. Trees. Firewhisky. The Quidditch pitch. Vanilla lotion. Swimming pools. Watermelons. Caramel apples. Nail polish. Red velvet. Fresh laundry. Perfume and cologne – I can’t tell which scent is stronger. Ocean air. A potion brewing. Burning wood. Tea. Musky deodorant. Old parchment. Muggle London. Peachy shampoo. The aftermath of a thunderstorm. Cheese pizza. Broomsticks. My favorite cafe in Diagon Alley. And… the Gryffindor Girls Dormitory? I blame Mary Macdonald for this one. ”

#accepted #marlene mckinnon

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brilliantchinboy · 7 years ago

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Seeing that post about getting help for mental illnesses reminded me that I don’t think I put an update on here about my whole situation? Last thing I remember was saying how I didn’t like the psychiatrist I saw at all and that I was quiting and giving up because it felt like this horribly impossible situation.

I’ll put more below the cut cause this might get pretty long. If you just want the low down here it is: pychiatrist guy was shit and made me feel like crying bc he invalidaded my experience. therapist lady is great and gives me things that seem to help and she is confused by shitty psychiatrist guy stories

After seeing him, I felt like he had taken all of my stories of how I was uncomfortable in social situations, my stories of panic attacks and basically threw them aside and said, “you’re overreacting and you’re totally normal. I’ll find some counselors you can see to learn about your personality.” I left that office after an hour and a half wanting to cry. I almost cried walking from the office to the elevator.

It took me a couple of weeks of crying over my mental health every day because it felt like this impossible weight I could never lift off my shoulders and evnetually just pushed it all aside because I was tired of crying. I had told my parents howI felt about the appointment and that I would be cancelling my next one. They were supportive, saying how it was my choice and I could do what I felt was right. (They said some other things, that I know came out of a place of wanting me to feel better, but were also a bit ignorant and came off semi-wrong because they don’t fully understand).

I left it at that until the end of that week after the appointment. My dad told me that at church there was a mental health meeting. It was the first one out what they hoped would be many, as they realized that mental health was important. I went, probably expecting more from it than a first meeting just there to inform peopel than I should have. But afterwards my dad and I walked around the church and had a nice conversation. He asked me questions about my anxiety and showed me he wanted to understand more.

My mom also gave me a pamphlet from this organization of counselors that my sister had gone to a couple years ago. She has anxiety to some degree as well and picks at sores all the time, even without meaning to. I ended up finally getting an appointment with one lady who ended up being absolutely fantastic.

In the first appointment she asked me what I was there for and what I wanted out of the appoinment(s). I expressed that I first wanted to be told whether or not I had anxiety and if I did, I just wanted ways I could help myself. After filling out a short questionaire she said I did have anxiety, which was a relief. I’ve been seeing her for almost a month now and I feel a lot better after I go.

I’m trying to push myself to impliment things she’s said because if I really want change, I know I have to impliment the things I’m given. I’m trying to do aerobics 3 times a week and meditation as well. She noticed how when I spoke about the time I teared up at everyone yelling around me and how I said that sometimes I’ve just had enough sounds/noise and even the smallest things bother me - that noise is a part of my anxiety. Which I agree with. She mentioned medidation and I said I’d done it once before and I really enjoyed it.

So it’s been really great with this new therapist. Also I’ve told her about the psychiatrist I saw and after telling her how he said I was normal, and how he reacted to the story about me tearing up in chapel (both saying I was normal, and telling me basically not to preplan what I wanted to say and just let things flow from the conversation) with things like, “You definitely have anxiety.” and “I don’t commandeer the conversation right? I try to come with stuff planned but if we don’t get to it because you have something you need to say, I’m fine with that.” (I reassured her I felt that I could say what I felt necessary to say).

#/personal #mental health

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charliesangelspathfinder · 7 years ago

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Seva’s character questionaire

1. What is your name?

Given name? Ruby Trill. Earned the surname of Nimblemind.

2. Do you have any nicknames? If you do, who gave it to you and why?

Seva – it’s an old nickname. Seth gave it to me. I was teachin’ him language and he learned the dwarven word for taking care of someone was ‘Sciever’. He couldn’t pronounce it right with his lil’ baby tongue, Seva was as close as he got.

3. How old are you now?

58, if you’d believe it.

4. When were you born?

58 years ago. What do you care more specifically?

5. Where do you call home now?

Good fuckin’ question. Next.

6. To what social class do you belong?

Guess I’m poor again.

7. What is your eye color?

I hear tell they’re blue. Been a while since I was able to check.

8. What is your hair color?

Blonde? Probably getting whiter day by day.

9. Do you have any distinguishing facial features?

You’re asking the wrong person.

10. Do you have any birthmarks? Where are they?

Again, asking the wrong person.

11. Do you have any scars? How did you get them?

I’ve got a ton. Mostly order stuff. Specifics are foggy.

12. Do you have any tattoos or other markings? How and why did you get them?

No tats. I don’t see much point, since I don’t get to enjoy you.

13. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Not any I’d admit to out loud. I guess alcohol is obvious enough.

14. Are you right or left handed?

Left handed, but more towards ambidexterity.

15. What does your voice sound like?

Jeez, you’ll ask anything. I don’t know, voices change entirely based on one’s perception, so I sound different to me than I do to you. Sound reverberates in the skull.

16. How do you dress most of the time?

Whatever’s available.

17. How do you dress up?

Whatever’s available, but clean.

18. How do you dress down?

Whatever’s available, but particularly dirty.

19. What do you wear when you go to sleep?

Whatever’s available, but a little less.

20. Do you wear any jewelry?

Not anymore.

21. What words and/or phrases do you use frequently?

I don’t think I’m too predictable like that.

22. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I don’t think I do – again, something you’d have to tell me.

23. Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they and how do you plan to get rid of them?

Too damn many to count.

24. Do you have a lifelong dream or aspiration?

Not anymore, that’s for sure.

25. Do you own a car (or other form of transportation)? Why or why not? Describe it.

Had unlimited access to transportation a long time ago. Sure don’t anymore.

26. What is your current state of mind?

What do you think is my current state of mind.

Part Two: Family

27. How close are you to your family?

What goddamn family.

28. Do you have a spouse or significant other? Describe them.

Had three marriages, none of them stuck.

29. Have you started your own family? Describe them if you do. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

Hey. Fuck you.

30. Who was your Father and what was he like?

Halfling. Quick as a whip and cleverer than a sack of monkeys. We never really got along, hell, I thought he was a pompous asshole, but his death affected me pretty deep, since he was the only blood I had left.

31. Who was your Mother and what was she like?

She was half dwarf, half halfling, and she was uneducated as shit, and desperately poor to boot. She encouraged me to steal from the time I could walk and gave me to the Order without a second thought for the promise of a sack of gold and a decent education for me.

32. Who are you closest to in your family?

Fuck you.

33. Is there someone in your family you wish you were closer to?

There ain’t nobody.

34. What was your parent’s marriage like?

They never did get married. I’d consider it remarkable that they put up with each other long enough for me to exist.

35. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Had them. Never met ‘em.

39. When’s the last time you saw a member of your family? Where are they now?

‘Bout twenty-seven years, and I’ll see ‘em next when I get to the Astral plane, too.

40. Did you meet any other family members? (Aunts Uncles, etc) Describe them.

They’re all fuckin’ dead. Quit this line of questioning.

Part Three: Friends and Relationships with Others

41. In general, how do you treat other people that you have just met?

Hold ‘em at arms length. Even reliable people aren’t necesscarily trustworthy.

42. Does your treatment of people change depending on how well you know them and if so how?

I wouldn’t say my treatment changes too much. I guess I go a little less on the tough and more on the love.

43. Who is the most important person in your life and why?

…Don’t got those no more.

44. Who is the person you respect the most and why?

I can’t even respect me anymore. I guess Gaitena, for filling my shoes.

45. Who are your friends? Describe them.

Most of ‘em are dead or changed or gone or whatever. I don’t care to try.

46. Do you have a best friend? Describe them.

I sure don’t. Narlos is gone, or dead.

47. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

I’ve got no one. How many times do I have to lay this out for you?

48. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who and why?

Nope.

49. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My guess? Nobody.

50. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

Fuckin’. Burke. Goes without fucking saying at this point.

51. Do you tend to argue with people or avoid conflict?

I’ll argue. I’ll argue till the goddamn cows come home.

52. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

I’m a leader. I don’t know how to follow.

53. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

I don’t… do that.

54. Do you care what others think of you?

Ain’t no reason to care anymore.

55. What habit do others have that annoys you the most?

Tired of being dismissed for all my flaws.

56. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend?

Don’t have any.

57. What do you most value in your friends?

Got no friends.

Part Four: Growing Up (Childhood)

58. Where were you born?

Quema.

59. Where did you grow up?

Quema.

60. How would you describe your childhood in general?

Fuckin’ sucked. Got encouraged to be a thief and pickpocket from the get-go, knew jack shit, understood even less.

61. What is your earliest memory?

Mom sendin’ me out on my lil’ baby legs to go and try to get money.

62. What is your fondest childhood memory?

I guess… Meeting Lorelei. We were both kids at the time, but she was real little, and I was told she’d probably be part of my team one day. So.

63. What is your worst childhood memory?

Probably my first day with the Order. My father had only recently lost his other kids and gotten his ass sterilized in a fight, and he was left with an ugly, uneducated, awkward child who hated him, and it was just me and him.

64. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I didn’t have much dreams. I just did what was expected of me.

65. As a child, what were your favorite activities?

I liked reading, though I learned late.

66. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

I was a lot fucking nicer than.

67. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

I was well liked, enough. The other kids thought I was weird because I was born free, and stayed free longer than most..

68. As a child, what was your favorite toy?

I wasn’t really a toys sort. I liked books.

69. As a child, what was your favorite game to play?

I liked puzzles. I wanted to get sharper. It worked.

Part Five: Growing Up (Teen/Young Adult)

70. How much schooling have you had?

I got an Order education, and a better one than most, since I absorbed fuckin’ everything. Upshots of being a Braniac.

71. Did you enjoy school?

So goddamn much. I hated when it wasn’t held more than anything else, ‘cause then it was just me and my father.

72. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

With the Order. Most in the library and schoolhouse, just as much in practical use.

73. While growing up, did you have any role models other than your parents? Describe them.

As if my role models were my fucking parents. Nope – I didn’t have any of those. I wasn’t big on… people.

74. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Like I said – mom sucked when I was with her, dad sucked when I was with him.

75. How old were you when you went on your first date? Describe the date.

The fuck’s a date/

76. What is your favorite memory from your teen years?

Hit a record for being the youngest steel brooch promoted to bronze in the ‘halfling’ category – I was just fourteen. It was nice.

77. What is your worst memory from your teen years?

One time, Dad and I got injured at the same general time. We had to spend fucking weeks in each other’s fucking business. Fuck.

78. When and with whom was your first kiss?

Don’t particularly want to think about this. Fucking hated it.

79. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

I’m not, and it sucked, and I don’t want to talk about this.

80. Describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.

I was very influenced by the things I read in the archives. Real hero stories, you know? I guess I wanted to emulate that, or write some. I dunno.

Part Six: Past Influences

81. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

I guess… Well, losing my dad changed pretty much the entire way my life was going. Led me to make a lot of calls I wouldn’t necessarily have done otherwise. Led to a lot of bad things, indirectly.

82. Who has had the most influence on you?

Dad. He was the only Brainiac I ever knew, and I worked off what he taught me. He was good at what he did, even though he was a real prick.

83. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Broke the age record for getting the gold brooch – only 26.

84. What is your greatest regret?

…I couldn’t do anything for Seth.

85. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

What’s your standard? ‘Cause I’ve done some shit.

86. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Hoo, boy, do I.

87. When was the time you were the most frightened?

I was imprisoned. Bad shit happened. Don’t want to think about it.

88. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

I don’t get embarrassing.

89. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Everything would be better if Seth were alright.

90. What is your best memory?

Guess it had to be the first time I held my boy. He sucked on my pinky with a thirst suited to somethin’ way bigger than a newborn and it was the greatest damn thing that ever happened to me in my damn life.

91. What is your worst memory?

Bein’ delirious in bed and getting the bad news about Seth. I thought I just dreamed it up, but the better I got, the realer it got.

92. When and where were you the happiest?

Between those two things.

Part Seven: Beliefs and Opinions

93. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?

Can you blame me for bein’ a pessimist?

94. What is your greatest fear?

Everything I’ve had to fear’s already come true.

95. Have you told any one your fear before?

Why bother?

96. Who would be the one person you’d never tell your fear?

There’s no goddamn one left.

97. What are your religious views?

I used to believe in something. Not anymore.

98. What are your political views?

Don’t really think much on politics anymore.

99. What are your views on sex?

In my experience? It’s bad.

100. Are you able to kill?

I’ve done it a thousand goddamn times.

101. Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?

If it ends up in a mean conservation of life, or if the lives they threaten are those of good and innocent people, go to fuckin’ town.

102. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Take everything someone has ‘till there’s nothing left, then lack the basic decency to kill ‘em afterwards.

103. Do you believe in the existence of soul males and/or true love?

What a load of bullshit.

104. What do you believe makes a successful life?

Ending up happy.

105. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings? (Meaning do you hide your true self from others and in what way?)

Not.

106. Do you have any biases or prejudices?

I am. Not saying a damn thing about it, though.

107. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why?

I’m not gonna hurt a kid.

108. Who or what, if anything, would you die for? (or go to extremes for?)

…That’s for me to fucking know.

109. What is your best feature, in your opinion?

I guess I got an alright head on my shoulder.

110. What do you think of drugs and alcohol? Are there any types that people should never do? Why or why not?

I think they should go directly to me.

111. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

At this point, I can’t even imagine it.

112. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Been there, done that, don’t want to talk about it.

Part Eight: Likes and Dislikes

113. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Like reading, when I can do that. I guess I like writing.

114. What is your most treasured possession?

My glasses, so I’m only mostly blind.

115. What is your favorite color? Why?

I dunno. Greenish.

116. What is your least favorite color? Why?

I don’t much like red.

117. What is your favorite food? Why?

I like a good spicy food.

118. What is your least favorite food? Why?

I don’t like bitter food.

119. What is your favorite sound? Why?

I like hearin’ a nice soprano sing. Nothin’ in particular specifically.

120. What is your least favorite sound? Why?

The sound of something being dragged across gravel.

121. What is your favorite smell/scent? Why?

I like the smell of opening a spice cabinet.

122. What is your least favorite smell/scent? Why?

Don’t like the smell of mud or blood.

123. What, if anything, do you like to read?

I like to read in general.

124. What is your idea of good entertainment?

Solitude. A good book.

125. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Drunk as shit, angry.

126. What makes you laugh?

Irony.

127. What makes you laugh out loud, hysterically?

...Particularly sick irony.

128. What makes you cry?

I don’t got reason for that anymore.

129. What makes you cry, hysterically?

Remembering all the reasons I’ve had.

130. What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Nothing, anymore. I’ve seen a lot.

131. What would you do if you couldn’t sleep and had to find something to amuse yourself?

Pass out drunk, probably.

132. How do you deal with stress?

I think we’ve all noticed that the answer to that is ‘fucking poorly’.

133. Are you spontaneous or do you always need to have a plan?

Plan it.

134. What are your pet peeves?

When people act in a way I can’t rationalize.

135. Where do you go when you’re angry or depressed?

Dunno.

136. What do you do when you’re bored?

Drink.

137. What type of music do you like? Favorite bands or musicians?

Not so big on non-solo acts.

144. What is your favorite book? Why?

One of the old Order archive books – the archive’s stories about the heroes of old are just fuckin’ breathtaking.

145. What is your least favorite book? Why?

I don’t like books where the hero fucking dies at the end. What’s the fucking point.

149. What annoys you more than anything else?

I can’t dig myself outta the rut I’m in.

150. What time of day is your favorite? Why?

I don’t mind dusk.

151. What time of day is your least favorite? Why?

Fuckin… mornings.

152. What kind of weather is your favorite? Why?

Overcast. I’m from Quema.

153. What kind of weather is your least favorite? Why?

Sunshine. I’m from Quema and have trouble seeing.

154. What is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

Can I just opt out of this one.

155. What is the most awful thing you have ever seen?

…Can I opt out of this one for different reasons?

156. What is your favorite drink? Why?

Anything alcoholic.

157. What is your least favorite drink? Why?

I’ve never felt so betrayed as when someone handed me a virgin drink as a form of cutting me off.

158. What is your favorite animal? Why?

Hate animals.

159. What is your least favorite animal? Why?

All of ‘em.

160. What sorts of things embarrass you?

Got nothin’ to be embarrassed about anymore.

Part Nine: Self Image

161. Describe a normal day for you.

Wake up. Drink. Fall asleep.

162. How do you feel when your routine is disrupted?

Fuckin’ pissed.

163. What is your greatest strength as a person?

I guess I got experience.

164. What is your greatest weakness?

I’m like, a tenth of the person I was.

165. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Change my heart to not beating.

166. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Introverted.

167. Are you generally organized or messy?

Lapsed organized person.

168. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at.

Memory, thought, and logic.

169. Name three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Keepin’ people I care about alive. That’s three things – keeping people, having people I care about, and keeping people alive.

170. What are your reasons for being an adventurer or heroic? Are your real reasons different than the ones you tell other people in public? If so, detail both reasons.

…Ugh.

171. What three words best describe your personality?

Bad, sad, and mad.

172. What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Bad, sad, and mad.

173. What about you is heroic?

Urrrrrgh.

174. Are you a better lead or follower? Why?

I should probably learn to follow, since it seems like I lead… bad.

175. What is your responsibility to the world? Why?

I owe the world fucking nothing at this point. It owes me.

176. What do you like about yourself?

Not much there to like.

177. What don’t you like about yourself?

Where do I start?

178. What do you find most relaxing? (not stress relief, but something that actually calms you down.)

Putting thoughts on paper.

179. What talent would you most like to have?

Dunno. I’m tired of having talents.

Part Eleven: Drug & Alcohol

189. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If yes, why? Do you want to quit?

Yes, you can guess why, and no.

190. How old were you when you had your first drink? Did you like it? Why or why not?

I had my first drink at 20, hated it, drank again at 32 and never stopped.

191. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like?

32. Less pleasant than being in my head.

192. Do you drink on a regular basis?

Sure do.

193. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?

Any.

194. Have you ever tried any kind of “mood altering” substance? Which ones? Describe the experience.

Yes, many, and I don’t want to tell you about them.

Part Twelve: Sex & Intimacy

195. Have you ever been in love? What happened?

Sure haven’t.

196. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Yep.

197. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

To align oneself with a solid preference is reductive, all my experiences have been bad so I couldn’t say for certain.

198. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? Describe the experience.

I was twenty, it was on my first wedding night, it was bad, and I hated it.

199. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Describe the experience.

I was older, it wasn’t great, and I also hated it.

200. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?

This is the last thing I want to think about.

201. What was the wildest thing you have done, sexually? Describe the experience.

Can we… not?

206. Do you ever want to get married? When do you see this happening?

Been there, done that, it sucks, don’t want to ever do that again.

207. Do you want children? Why or why not?

…

208. What is more important, sex or intimacy? Why?

If that’s your dichotomy, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Part Thirteen: Morality

213. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?

Tons. I won just enough to be here.

218. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why or why not?

Yeah, I do. I just don’t think I’ll be around for it.

219. Do you think redemption is possible? Why or why not?

Not really, no. Well, depends on the offense. But if it’s something real fucked up? Go fucking die.

221. Is it okay for men to cry?

I don’t see why not.

222. Is it okay for you to cry?

It’s the single most unpleasant feeling in the world, more unpleasant for familiarity.

223. What do you think is wrong with most people, overall?

They don’t bother understanding the people around them.

224. What is the worst thing you could ever do to someone you hated?

See what the worst thing you can do to someone period is.

225. Do you have feelings that disturb you? What and why?

All the fucking time.

226. On what occasions do you lie?

When I need to.

227. Do you think it is okay to lie?

Don’t see anything wrong so long as it’s not hurting anyone.

Part Fourteen: Supernatural Awareness

228. Tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities.

Mine was a passive ability, so soon as I was conscious after the ritual. It’s pretty fucking noticeable, to be able to think on like, a hundred trains of thought at once.

Part Fifteen: Goals and Future

235. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Pfft.

236. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Grave, if I’m lucky. Probably in some hole somewhere, dead as a doornail.

237. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Fast.

238. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Make peace with some of the gods who’d understand me more, I guess.

239. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

I… don’t. There’s nothing worth remembering.

Part Sixteen: Misc.

241. What was the worst injury you’ve ever received? How did it happen?

Wasn’t fast enough. Some manticores are poisonous in both breath and touch. Well, suffice to say it breathed on me and got a paw on me ‘till Elen pulled me out. I was out of commission for months, wouldn’t have survived without the dwarven blood.

242. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?

Don’t even fucking play this game.

243. What would you wish for if you ever found a genie? Go back thirty years. That’s all I want.

244. If your house burned down, what one thing would you want to save?

What house?

249. If you were to die and come back as any person or thing, what or who would you want to be?

Someone inconsequential and normal.

251. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Somewhere inconsequential and not a fucking desert.

253. If you could go back to any point in history and change something, what would it be?

Take a goddamn guess.

#seva #q&a

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