#putting a very tentative 'please don't reblog' here for a hot minute

[veryvincible]

Hello, you mentioned Howard was physically abusive towards Tony but I don’t remember any physical abuse panels ... the one that comes close to it is probably Howard forcing alcohol to young Tony. I also can’t recall Maria being abused .. she was pretty spoiled and annoying during Gillens flashbacks lol. Of course I could be wrong because I didn’t read all of Howard or Maria comic appearances and I’m certainly NOT defending Howard.

He was a piece of shit but I think his abuse was mostly psychological and emotional which are horrible and are harder to spot and overcome. Which is why I agree with you about how Tony views his dad and has those mixed feelings about Howard. He shrugs it like “he tried his best” or “it was tough love” and I think that’s because he can’t fully recognise the abuse because it wasn’t your typical “abuse” aka physical ... there are no bruises. Anyway this my lengthy unsolicited 2 cents .. sorry 😩

Also.. Maria was awful too and was okay with using Tony as a decoy. She’s not a good mom. I dislike how much the fandom sympathise with her lol I hope you don’t mind me <3

Whew. Okay.

I’m putting a disclaimer here to say that this is a little rough to talk about for me, and as such, this may not be the most eloquent thing I’ve ever put together. So, with that in mind, here’s my response:

First of all, I think it’s important to remember that physical abuse doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and that it’s most often preceded by psychological and emotional abuse. While I’ll concede that victims of psychological and emotional abuse exclusively can fall into imposter syndrome much more easily as a result of a lack of physical evidence, that doesn’t necessarily mean that physical evidence of abuse will lead to someone legitimizing their experiences. Physical evidence can play a huge role in whether or not other people will believe you when you tell them what’s going on, but when it comes to actually being a victim of abuse, physical evidence isn’t actually too strong an indicator of anything. When you’ve already spent so much time justifying emotional and psychological abuse for your abuser, it’s not a huge leap to then go on to justify the physical abuse, whether you do it by invalidating your own self worth or validating the mental state your abuser is in that’s causing them to hurt you. So, Tony could still realistically be physically abused and have the mindset of, “Maybe I overreacted!” or “Maybe they tried their best and their best was shitty, but I can understand that there’s more nuance to it.” Tough love, especially, is a significant justification for victims of physical abuse, especially men.

Secondly, I think your take is perfectly valid. I think your hatred for and anger toward Maria is understandable. A lot of people need that kind of content; they themselves find catharsis through righteous anger, and when you need to feel that, you need to feel that. Letting yourself go through the motions and feel what you weren’t allowed to feel when you were under the shitty circumstances is huge for health and emotional wellbeing. That being said, it’s also incredibly important to remember that other people- other victims of abuse, specifically- find catharsis through other means.

I, myself, am a victim of severe long-term abuse, and I have a complicated family set up wherein there’s a history of abuse on both sides. Some close friends of mine have been in similar positions, and they do lean on the side of acknowledging and working through pain via anger and frustration. Due to my nature, though, that’s not generally the frame of reference I use for my situation on a day-to-day basis. I will have periods of extreme anger, and these close friends of mine have periods of mellow understanding, but at our core, we’re different. Survivors exist on a spectrum.

This is one of the reasons why I love that we get different takes on Tony’s family and his interpretation of the abuse that he’s been through; this is a result of time and writer changes, of course, but the fact is, no matter where you are on the spectrum, it’s easy to relate to some mindset of 616 Tony’s, because... well, he (as a written, inconsistent character, as opposed to a cohesive “person”) has so many to choose from.

So, I understand why you dislike that fandom has a tendency to sympathize with her. I can empathize with the feeling of being “othered” from the fandom as a result of what content is most cathartic to consume for you, specifically when this content differs from the accepted “baseline” that fanon’s built.

I respect your opinion and your desire for a no-tolerance policy in the works you consume. I understand why you would feel that way, and I legitimately do hope that you’re able to find the corner of fandom that provides you with that content that you need. All I ask is that you have the same level of respect and understanding for people like me, who have had different responses to abuse and, as such, need different content in order to process what we’ve been through. Fanon, as it is, just happens to be kind of in between us; yes, it’s incredibly difficult to swallow sometimes, but it’s important that we be respectful of this, too.

As for canon evidence of both physical abuse and Maria being a victim of Howard’s abuse.

Like the many different interpretations we get of Tony and his response to abuse, there are also many different interpretations of Howard and Maria’s relationship, not only with each other but with their son as well. But here’s one of the earliest appearances of the family as a whole, in a funky flashback scene:

There’s a good amount of canon like this, especially surrounding this issue (Vol. 1, #285), but here’s the gist of it:

Maria’s pretty clearly used to being silenced and talked down to, to the point where we can assume she’s self-regulating to avoid an outburst on Howard’s part, that might result in emotional damage or worse.

Her timidity, however, changes when her son is at risk. So, in this early depiction of the family dynamics, Maria won’t advocate for herself as an autonomous woman, but she will actively use her body to shield her son from potential harm. It’s kind of the opposite of her using Tony as a decoy. Again, there are many interpretations of these family dynamics, but this is specifically one interpretation in early canon that people can (and often do) choose to draw from.

Needless to say, “No, Howard. You won’t lay a hand on him,” implies that Howard has a history of laying his hands on his son.

There’s really not much else I have to say about this.

So, to recap: Your feelings are perfectly understandable, and I’m not asking you to be less angry or hate Maria any less. Please, please, please seek out whatever content will feel best for you. Don’t feel obligated to abide by any one bit of canon just because it’s a fanon favorite. Your feelings on this subject matter. What you need for the sake of your mental health matters. Your anger is legitimate.

But that doesn’t erase that the majority of fanon has chosen an interpretation of the Stark family dynamic that’s different from what you or I might tend to go for. We’re both a little bit further down our respective ends of the spectrum, and fanon is more in the middle. It’s imperative to the healing of everyone who uses these comics and these characters to relate to and project on that we understand we all have different needs and different “ideals” for the content we consume.

So, please, be angry, but be respectful. You don’t have to be understanding toward these fictional characters, but be understanding toward the people who want to be understanding toward them, to some degree. And don’t let anyone on the opposite end of the spectrum tell you that you’re any less correct than they are. 

This was a long one and, like I said, it is difficult to properly articulate these thoughts in a way that feels like it’s welcoming and understanding toward everyone who might come across them, so I hope I did well here.

Thank you for your ask. I most definitely do not mind you.