#punk furiously taking notes in a hospital bed somewhere

[samijey]

#thank you for your service as always, ilja

[rauliskafan]

A Hard Lesson in Illusions: Chapter 11

Authors’ Note: Happy Saturday evening, lovely readers! Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend! When last we met, Rafael and Chief Dodds were caught in the crossfire of so much chaos. How will they and their loved ones fare once out of harm’s way? Read on for more! @vintagemichelle91 and I hope that you enjoy!!!

          “It’s just so unbelievable,” Rollins said as Fin flashed a picture he had finagled from his old narcotics unit. After the ambulance. Where Rafael hardly spoke as Natalia repeatedly told him that she loved him, that they were well out of the rain and finally safe. But her husband’s eyes stayed shut, and she was left in the lobby, her dress torn, her body numb as she sank into a plastic chair, waving off a nurse who said someone should really take a look at her. Natalia did not need a doctor. What she needed now…

           “They say everyone has a twin somewhere,” Carisi mused.

           “This Ramirez punk was small potatoes back in the day,” Fin cut in. “And with the beard… I mean you could almost...”

           One only had to look closer. Eyes a similar shade of emerald, Rafael’s Roman nose. But it was like a mask, the gaze from the green eyes without a soul. Why hadn’t she seen it straight off? Before... Natalia huddled deeper in the chair with her dark thoughts as Rollins sat beside her.

           “How are you doing?” she asked.

           “Fine,” Natalia mumbled.

           “Gotta say, I knew something was up. That day---”

           “But you didn’t do anything, did you?”

            The words came out harsh, and when Natalia saw Rollins frown, she reached for her hand under the unforgiving hospital lights.

            “I’m sorry,” Natalia said. “I just…”

             Rollins glanced at Fin and Carisi, the detectives leaving to check on the Chief as she lowered her voice.

             “It’s okay,” she soothed. “Natalia, this... this other Rafael...”

              “Please don’t call him that,” Natalia begged.

              “Fair enough,” Rollins agreed. “Do you want to talk about what he did to you?”

             “Rafael knows,” Natalia replied. “Now he knows everything. Maybe it’s too much and he... he doesn’t want to come back to me.”

             “That’s not true,” Rollins reassured her. “Natalia, if this other guy was with you, then that’s---”

             “I know what it is, Amanda!” she cried. “It’s more than that. Everything is ruined. I…”

            Her voice gave out as Rollins held her, rocking her back and forth and promising blue skies come morning. Suddenly a doctor wearing maroon scrubs with a crisp white coat appeared, and Natalia quickly climbed to her feet.

           “My husband?” she quickly asked. “Is he alright?”

           “A slight concussion. But he should be fine,” the doctor assured her with a gentle grin. “No reason why we can’t discharge him tonight. Of course, there will be some instructions to follow…”

           As she let the orders for his immediate care sink in, Natalia envisioned Rafael’s eyes open. He’d ask her... he’d need her to confirm Nevada’s version of events. No point in denying any of it now. No way he would want to lie in their bed. Especially with her. Touching her neck, no longer feeling the necklace, Natalia mourned the loss of the key and feared no other way back into his heart. 

           “Would you like to see him?” the doctor asked, cutting into her dark thoughts.

           “What do you say to that, Natalia?” Rollins asked. “I’ll come with you.”

           Shrugging her shoulders, her soul shattering with each step, they passed several rooms where TVs hummed and other patients tried to sleep, only stopping when they saw Liv coming down the other end of the hallway, her formal gown still stained with the Chief’s blood.

           “Liv! How is he?” Rollins asked.

           “He’s in surgery,” she muttered as she pushed a lock of her mussed hair behind her ear. “It’s… it’s just his arm. But he’s lost so much blood.”

           “Can I do anything to help?” she asked. Liv slowly shook her head, staring at Natalia hard.

           “No… um... Mike is talking to the doctor. Maggie… I think she went to call Lucy for me.”

           Searching for the right thing to say, Natalia tensed when Liv suddenly reached for her hand.

          “Yes?” she asked.

           “An impostor,” Liv started. “Did this really happen? I mean... how is it even---?”

           “I… yes,” Natalia confessed. “I know. Now. I know now. But for too long I... oh, Liv. I am so sorry.”

           Ready for the Lieutenant to lay into her, believing she had every right to be enraged, Natalia gasped when Liv swallowed a sob and simply hugged her tight.

           “Don’t do that,” she started. “It’s not on you. I’m just trying to wrap my head around too many---”

           She said nothing else as Maggie ran towards them, calling Liv back to the Chief’s side. As she hurried off, the sisters stared at one another, Maggie’s eyes wide as she grabbed Natalia’s hands.

           “Natty, are you okay?” she asked.

           “Don’t worry about me,” she said. “Go back with your family.”

           “You are my family,” Maggie insisted. “Natty, you---”

           “Can everyone just please leave me alone?” Tearing away from them and hiding in the nearest bathroom, Natalia tried to catch her breath, sighing heavily when she saw Maggie’s face behind hers in the glass.

           “What are you doing?” Maggie asked.

           “Trying to clean up,” she said. “But I can’t. I never…”

           Twisting the faucet, Natalia furiously splashed cold water on her face again, choking a few handfuls down and motioning Maggie away. But the ballerina would not budge.

           “Natty, you didn’t---”

           “Stop!” she screamed. “I should have known as soon as I saw him. Looked into his eyes. I should have called for help. That… man. He belongs in a cell. Not my bed. Not out in the open where he can hurt everyone that I…”

           Gripping the sink, she felt sick, trembling and unable to face herself in the mirror again as Maggie fought to hold her and curved around her neck to kiss her flushed cheek.

           “What about me, Natty?” Maggie asked. “You just taking off without telling me? Rafael or whoever coming to the party with another woman? Shouldn’t I have been smarter than that?”

           “Maybe,” Natalia sniffled.

           “Absolutely,” her sister replied. Accepting her embrace, Natalia wept into her shoulder, the water still running as Maggie lifted her chin and smiled through her own tears.

           “Go. You should be with Mike,” Natalia said.

           “He said I should find you,” Maggie responded. “I don’t think he wants me to see him so scared.”

           “But of course you are.”

           “See this is the part where you’re supposed to make me feel better,” Maggie tried to joke. Natalia emitted a feeble laugh, burying her head in her sister’s hair when the door creaked open.

           “Hey,” Rollins said. “I think you might want to hear this.”

           Stilling the faucet, they followed Rollins past the nurses’ station, Natalia hearing the word come down that Ward’s condition was categorized as stable but critical. Unwilling to waste another thought on the DA, her focus shifted to Carmen, shackled to a bed. Carisi asked the questions as the assistant, her arm in a sling and her face flat, sat in silence.

           “Come on, Carmen,” he said. “You really trying to tell us that this was all on you? That no one put you up to this?”

           Watching her carefully, Natalia abandoned Maggie’s side and curled her fingers around the bed rail. As she held her breath, Natalia wished for the right words, for a clue to pour forth from Carmen’s lips. Because she wanted Nevada to be the one who had given the order. She wanted attempted murder added to the long list of chargers piling up against the man ripped her sense of security out from under her life, a rug that then disintegrated in his cruel grasp. Once he was captured, she wanted him tossed him into the deepest pit where there was never even the slightest chance that he could see the light of any day again.

           “I don’t think that I should say anything else without a lawyer,” Carmen mumbled. And that was the end of it as far as the cops were concerned. Rollins barely masked her disgust, and Carisi offered to step into that role when the accused shooter, the only suspect in custody, tossed her head back with a mirthless laugh.

           “Because that’s not a conflict of interest,” she scowled. “I have nothing to say to any of you.”

           “Not even where he is?” Natalia asked. “Are you just going to let him hide out? So he can come back?”

           “Natalia, we won’t let that happen,” Fin promised, but she would not leave Carmen’s gaze until she received something in the way of an answer.

           “Well?” Natalia pressed.

           “I have no idea, Mrs. Barba. I’m not his… I’m not anyone’s pawn. Not anymore.”

           With that she turned on her side, and Natalia let Maggie pull her from the room.

           “Maybe we’ll get more information when she gets that lawyer,” Rollins said. “If she tries to cut a deal or something.”

           Some small comfort in that. With a quick kiss, Maggie said she needed to look in of the Chief, that she’d return as soon as possible.

           “Weren’t you one your way to see Barba?” Rollins reminded her.

           “I... yes.”

           Taking a few steps and turning a corner, Natalia slowly entered a small gray room to see her husband resting on paper thin sheets, a bruise forming under his eye and an IV in his arm. As soon as he saw her, his features softened, his green orbs blazing above the black and blue mark, and he extended his arms as his lips stretched into a smile.

           “Hermosa?”

           She faltered in the doorway, her hands nervously moving through her hair. He inched forward, attempting to swing his legs over the mattress. 

           “Don’t,” she whispered, hurrying to help him. “You might hurt yourself. Even more.”

           “Feeling much better now that I see you.” Leaning closer, he attempted to kiss her when she flinched and hung her head.

           “What’s wrong?” he asked.

           “You know,” she mumbled. “You heard what... what he said.”

           Biting down on her lip, Natalia’s eyes found his fingers, and she longed for his touch. Not that she deserved it. Not that she would ever deserve anything in the way of his love for the rest of her---

           “I did,” Rafael answered. “And I’m sorry.”

           “You’re sorry?” she asked, lifting her head in surprise. “But he… I… Rafael, I lived with him like he... like he was you for two days.”

           “I know,” he said quietly.

           “I held him. Kissed him. Called him Atticus.” In some ways, it seemed worse than being with him. Like everything special that passed between them from the moment they first met had been polluted via the prism of the pretender.

           “I hate him,” Natalia said.” “I hate that he exists. I hate that he… that he destroyed all that we---”

           “No, Natalia.” Rafael gently steadied her stance when she started to sway, wrapping his arms around her waist, his kisses peppering her hair.

           “No?” she echoed, closing her own eyes as he pressed his brow to hers.

           “Nothing is wrecked,” he said. “We’re here. We still have each other. That’s all that matters.”

           “But when he… when he told you… you looked so sad.”

           “Of course I was,” Rafael replied. “Because I never want you hurt. That’s the worst part of this. Natalia?”

           Cupping her chin in his hands, his fingers gracefully caressing her jawline, Rafael waited until she nodded, until she brought her hand on his wrist and her gaze to his eyes.

           “I’m never leaving you in the rain again,” he promised.

           “You remembered,” she murmured.

           “Always,” he said. “Of course the last thing I want is a next time. But if God forbid that happens, I give you my word that I’ll put up more of a fight.” Moving to kiss her, their lips barely touched when Natalia seized his cheeks.

           “Don’t do that,” she begged.

           “Why not?” he queried.

           “Because I never want you hurt! I saw what they did to you in that room. I’d sooner cut my heart out than see that happen to you again.”

           “No,” he whispered, easing his hand to her chest.

           “Atticus, I---”

           “Your heart stays right here. Where I can feel it. Where it can beat with mine.”

           Relaxing around the feel of his fingers, Natalia sank into his shoulder, grateful for the warmth of his arms. Would it really be alright? Even if the demons remained alive and free, would they at least dwell in places where they could never touch them again?

           “You okay?” he asked when she still shuddered in his hold.

           “I’ll get there,” she promised as he nuzzled his neck before looking up suddenly.

           “You’re missing---”

           “He took the necklace,” she said “Just one more thing…”

           “Last thing,” he assured her. “No more tears, hermosa. Not if I can help it.” Natalia’s lips curled into a small smile as a knock on the door startled them apart.

           “Trevor?”

           In his rumpled tuxedo with a head of tousled hair, he stepped into the room.

           “I have news,” he started. “The senior Dodds is going to pull through.”

           “Oh thank God,” Natalia cried. “Are you sure?”

           “He’s being moved to recovery as we speak. Maggie’s man is suddenly a blubbering mess. But she’s keeping him together.”

           “He’s lucky to have her,” Rafael affirmed.

           “And how are the both of you doing?”

           Offering no answer to the question, Rafael looked to Natalia and held his breath until she linked her arm in his.

           “We’ll be okay,” she said. “As long as we have each other.”

           Exhaling as he kissed her cheek, Rafael drew her closer and Trevor snapped his fingers.

           “Have one more little surprise for you.”

           Two little legs came running through the open door.

           “Mami! Papi!”

           Violetta jumped onto the bed, and Rafael and Natalia gathered their daughter close, kissing every inch of face when she pulled away and pressed her small hands to her hips.

           “I thought vacation was for all of us,” she said. “Why you go somewhere without me?” She seemed to pose the question to Natalia before looking to her father.

           “And why you no know what book I like best?” she demanded. “You always know.”

           “I’ll... we’ll make sure that never happens again,” he promised.

            Natalia felt as if she would cry when Violetta scrunched her little nose and peered into her father’s eyes.

           “You really okay, Papi?” she asked. “You been so sick.”  

            Folding her into his arms, he stroked her fair hair, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head.

            “I’m all better now, muñequita,” he said. “Thanks to Mami.”

            Natalia blushed, still unsure if she deserved this much of his love, all of his forgiveness. But she took him by the hand, let him lead her fingers to his lips as Violetta asked if they were still going somewhere special.

           “Yes, muñequita,” Rafael replied. “We are all going home.”