#ps okay i recognize i may have a pony problem

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

I Believe In A Thing Called Love, Chapter 2: Touching Me

Schneider’s not the only one who is good with his hands. Blatant wish fulfillment, the sequel. 

Penelope x Schneider, One Day At A Time. Also on AO3. Chapter 3 will go up on 2/26.

“Maybe I can help you another way.”

“If you’re offering to put me out of my misery...not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, but I’m really looking forward to the next Deadpool movie.”

“Shut it.” She squeezed his hand. “I was talking about professional help. I might be able to ease up that muscle spasm, at least enough so you can breathe.”

Schneider blinked teary eyes at her from behind his glasses. “If you could, I would be eternally grateful. I’ll buy you lunch. No, dinner. No--a pony. Do you want a pony?”

Penelope was studying in her empty apartment when the knock jolted her out of her reading.

Well, it wasn’t a knock so much as a thud. The sound alarmed her enough to have her off the couch immediately, leaving her books splayed across the cushions.

“Schneider!”

He was breathing hard, holding himself up with a hand braced against the doorframe, and even whiter than usual.

“What’s happening? What’s wrong?”

“Can...can I come in? I need to sit. Or lie down. Yeah, lying down sounds better.”

Schneider staggered past her when she stepped out of the way, dropping gracelessly onto the free couch cushion as she shut the door.

“Schneider, why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“Because I’m dying.”

He groaned, and Penelope gathered up her papers to make space next to him.

“You’re not dying. Are you sick, though? Because I have a major math test coming up and I’d rather not add a fever to the mix.”

“No, I’m not contagious. Just in pain. I thought I could make it back from the McGurbs’ but I couldn’t walk any more.”

“Too much spinning again? Are your...” Penelope decided to leave that question unasked. “Are you numb?”

“I wish.” He tried to take a deep breath, but winced and hissed the air back out. “I think I pulled a muscle in my Bikram yoga class this morning. I never should have tried to hold that handstand for so long.”

“Handstands? Isn’t that more like gymnastics than yoga?”

Schneider sighed, clutching his torso. “It wasn’t an official pose. More...aspirational.”

“Stupid.”

“Yeah, not my proudest moment. There were pretty girls there, in clingy athletic wear. Anyway, I thought I was fine, I figured it would work itself out.”

“And?”

“Now I can barely walk. It’s like...it’s like the muscle knotted itself around all my other muscles and keeps squeezing tighter, and tighter...I just want to stay in the fetal position until it stops. Or I die.”

Schneider squeezed his eyes shut. “That would also be acceptable at this point.”

“Well, like I said, I have a test,” Penelope replied firmly. “You can’t die here.”

“Can I stay in the fetal position?”

“You mean, moaning and crying in my living room? No. Studying, Schneider. Reading and highlighting and attempting to retain information. What part of that says ‘please come disrupt the process with your whining?’”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I never should have--” He tried to stand and fell over, half on top of her. “Oh, my god. It’s bad, Pen. It really hurts.”

“Oomph. Get off me, you Canadian maple tree.” She helped him back down to the couch cushion, listening to his labored breathing.

“You’re not kidding, are you? It’s really that bad.”

“It’s like I’m being stabbed with one of those grabber claw machine things, and then it’s twisting--”

Penelope clapped her hand over his mouth. “Okay. I get it. No more word pictures.”

Schneider sank into the couch, slumping a little while she frowned in his direction.

“I think you need to go to the ER, Schneider. If you’re having trouble breathing, it must be a really bad cramp.”

“No hospital.” He shook his head. “It’s just a muscle thing, it’ll stop eventually.”

“Will it stop in the next twenty minutes? ‘Cause that’s all the time I have before Mami should be back with the kids and my quiet study night is over.”

“Probably not,” he admitted. “I’ll go.”

Schneider managed to stand, visibly sweating from the wobbly effort. Penelope couldn't ignore the sharp pang of guilt.

“No, don’t do that. You’ll pass out in the elevator and Mami will find you stuck there in the morning when she leaves for Mass. You’re sure you don’t want to go to a doctor?”

“They have so many questions at the ER, Pen. 'What’s your insurance company?’ ‘Do you have any allergies?’ ‘Why did that pain pill we gave you result in your arrest for public nudity and vandalism?’ I don’t want to have to go through the whole thing...again.”

She nodded, resting her hand over his, where he was trying to push the pain back by force. “I get it. No hospital.”

“Thank you. I don’t want to wreck your night, though. Could you just help me up to my place?”

The thought probably wouldn’t have occurred to her if it were any other man on her couch, but when it did...she realized it wasn’t as crazy as it sounded in her head. Schneider had been there for her when she needed it.

“Maybe I can help you another way.”

“If you’re offering to put me out of my misery...not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, but I’m really looking forward to the next Deadpool movie.”

“Shut it.” She squeezed his hand. “I was talking about professional help. I might be able to ease up that muscle spasm, at least enough so you can breathe.”

Schneider blinked teary eyes at her from behind his glasses. “If you could, I would be eternally grateful. I’ll buy you lunch. No, dinner. No--a pony. Do you want a pony?”

“I just want my living room back,” she replied dryly. “Okay, easy now.”

Penelope pressed him into the back of the couch so that he was leaning away from her. Slowly, she pried his hand off his side, then tugged up the bottom of his t-shirt.

“Is this where it hurts?”

Her fingers were hovering near the skin he had reddened with pressure from his hands, but not touching. He flinched anyway. “Yeah. That’s the spot.”

“Okay. I’m not gonna lie to you, Schneider. This is going to hurt. But then it should get better. Ready?”

He squared his shoulders a little and nodded, fixing his trusting eyes on hers. “Ready.”

Later, she would tell that part of the story by comparing his scream to a wounded hyena. ‘A female one,’ Penelope insisted on adding, each and every time.

In the moment, Schneider nearly blacked out. But she was right, he could breathe again, after a few moments of her careful attention to the group of muscles that were seriously pissed at him.

“Okay. Okay--I’m okay.”

“I know you’re okay.” She smirked at him, with a fond sort of amusement. “It’s just a muscle cramp, Schneider, it’s not like you got shot.”

“A really, really bad muscle cramp.”

“Yes.” She brushed her thumb over his side, checking out the area now that he was taking deeper breaths. “Very bad, but I think you’ll survive. Just maybe lay off the handstands for a while.”

Penelope rubbed slow, firm circles around the place he’d hurt, noting his sharp intake of breath. “Just need to make sure it’s not going to go back into spasm. There, how does that feel?”

His voice was tight when he replied. “It’s fine. Thanks, Pen.”

“Are you sure?” He didn’t sound fine. The edge in his tone worried her.

“Yeah. I’m good now.”

When she frowned and angled her fingers down a little, brushing them testingly over his skin, Schneider reached up and gripped her hand.

“Stop. Please.”

“What...”

Her eyes moved past his lap on their way to their joined hands, and Penelope was suddenly very aware of a different muscle group that was clearly in perfect health.

“Oh.” She pulled her hand back like he was on fire and stood up.

“Yeah. Um, sorry. I didn’t-I don’t--”

It didn’t have to be weird if they refused to make it weird, she decided. And she desperately wanted things to remain not-weird between them.

So Penelope ran a hand through her hair and chuckled. “Schneider, you know, it’s no big deal. You’re a guy; it happens. If I had a dollar for every patient that reacted that way during a basic physical exam...well, I’d be you.”

“I...” His brow furrowed, but he changed his mind about whatever he was originally going to say. “Okay. Um, I think I can walk now. In a minute.”

She nodded. “Good. I’m glad. You’re not sweating anymore,” she added, pleased.

“Nope. That I am not,” he agreed. “You’re a miracle worker, Penelope Alvarez.”

“Ha. I’m just a nurse.”

“Miracles,” he countered seriously. “Working them. Often.”

Penelope waved it away, but a happy flash of warmth spread through her. "Alright,” she declared after giving him another minute to recover. “Let’s get you home. Can you stand on your own?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Slowly, Schneider straightened up to that ridiculous height of his--offering her a weak smile when he succeeded.

“Good. That’s good.” She led the way to the door, holding out a hand just above his waist in case he decided to do something terrible, like fall over.

“I highly recommend a heating pad,” Penelope advised him as they walked down his hallway. “No ice--you don’t want the muscles to cool down and tighten up before they’re ready. But a low heat, that will help them stay relaxed while you recover. And not too much moving around. You hear me?”

“Yeah, Lupe, I hear you. Heat good, cold bad.”

They were outside his door before Schneider realized she was staring at him. The familiar nickname had fallen off his tongue by accident; he called her that in his head sometimes, though it felt too personal to actually say out loud.

He blamed the pain. Clearly, it shut his brain right off.

“So...thanks. I’m feeling much better. I’m gonna buy you that pony,” he added faintly when Penelope just kept staring.

That seemed to snap her out of whatever she was thinking. She smiled when she registered his words.

“No, thanks. What would I do with a pony?”

“I don’t know. Braid its tail? I thought every little girl dreamed of having a pony when she grew up.”

“Some of us prefer flowers,” Penelope told him, grinning, before she stood on her toes to kiss his cheek in farewell.

“I’m not kidding, though, Schneider,” she added as she backed down the hall, facing him until she disappeared around the corner. “Put some heat on that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”